November 29, 2016: Tuesday ONAIRprep

***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS – FREE TO AIR! (Need to receive this earlier than when it’s posted? Get FTP access and receive a fully-produced version FREE with a customized tag specifically for your station or show! Contact me with your ONAIRprep username for details!)

AND NOW… ON WITH THE SHOW!

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20161129

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Welcome to (THE JOCK SHOW)! For the video version of my show aim your video recorder at your radio and push the little red button.

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“Worry weighs a person down; an encouraging word cheers a person up.” –Proverbs 12:25

Daniel 6:10 = Now when Daniel learned that the decree had been published, he went home to his upstairs room where the windows opened toward Jerusalem. Three times a day he got down on his knees and prayed, giving thanks to his God, just as he had done before.

Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path. — Psalm 119:105

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

“All things have been committed to me by my Father. No one knows the Son except the Father, and no one knows the Father except the Son and those to whom the Son chooses to reveal him. Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” — Matthew 11:27-28

Thought: True rest comes from knowing God. King David reminds us of this in Psalm 23. Jesus makes it clear again. Only Jesus can fully reveal God to us. Only Jesus can take away the burden of seeking to please God without an understanding of grace. Only he can remove the burden of our past sins and enable us to stand holy, blameless, and free from accusation before God Almighty. (cf. Colossians 1:21-22)

Prayer: Father in heaven, thank you for sending Jesus to fulfill the Law and to bless me with your grace. May I never take that grace for granted. Dear Father, empower me to serve you with joy and gladness that come from the burdens of my sinfulness and failure lifted by your grace. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!)

Matthew 11:29 NIV = Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.

TODAY IS TUEDAY – NOVEMBER 29, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
26 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is NATIONAL ELECTRONIC GREETINGS DAY.  A good day to send someone an e-card.  ***With technology as advanced as it is today, is it appropriate to send people e-Christmas cards INSTEAD of cards through the postal service?

Today is NATIONAL SQUARE DANCE DAY.  ***It’s called that because you almost always feel like a square when doing it.

Today is NATIONAL CHOCOLATES DAY.  Forrest Gump was right — life is like a box of chocolates, and your favorite kind of bonbon tells us something of your personality. “An extensive survey proved the theory that chocolate is one of those foods that taps a wellspring of childhood memories,” says psychologist Dorothy Maples, of Detroit, MI. “Kids don’t bother with facades. What you see is what you get. And that same core truth about your personality is revealed by your choice of chocolate.”

  • Chocolate Covered Nuts — You’re the mainstay of your family, always there to support your loved ones. And they know that you can be depended on to solve most any problem.

  • Caramel Center — You’re the Peter Pan in your circle of loved ones — beneath your adult shell beats the heart of a youngster. Your genuine enjoyment of everything life has to offer is contagious.

  • Crème-Filled — You take pride in an old-fashioned lifestyle that’s a mirror of your parent’s values. Both pals and relatives gravitate to your home — the warmth and laughter found there are irresistible.

  • Dipped Fruit — Some may see you as kooky, but you know the truth is that you’re a genuine original. You swim against the tide of trendy thought, and others appreciate your creative views.

  • Truffles — You believe you and yours deserve only the best, and you work hard to provide for your family. Your generosity of spirit isn’t limited to your loved ones. You’re also a champion of volunteerism in your community.

And get this: Eating milk chocolate can improve your brain activity, according to a study from Wheeling Jesuit University in West Virginia. Led by Dr. Bryan Raudenbush, the researchers found that milk chocolate had a positive impact on memory, attention span and reaction time!

TODAY IS ALSO…

Electronic Greetings Day

Giving Tuesday

International Day of Solidarity With The Palestinian People

Square Dancing Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below.)

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 30

Computer Security Day

National Meth Awareness Day

Rockefeller Christmas Tree Lighting

Stay Home Because You’re Well Day

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 01

Antartica Day
Basketball Day
Bifocals at the Monitor Liberation Day
Civil Air Patrol Day
Day With(out) Art Day
National Christmas Tree Lighting (DC)
Rosa Parks Day
World Aids Day

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 02

Faux Fur Friday
International Day for the Abolition of Slavery Day
National Mutt Day

National Salesperson Day
Safety Razor Day
Special Education Day

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 03

Bartender Appreciation Day
Earmuff Day or Chester Greenwood Day
International Day of Persons With Disabilitie
s
National Rhubarb Vodka Day
Skywarn Recognition Day

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 04

National Cookie Day
National Dice Day
World Wildlife Conservation Day

XTERRA Trail Running Championship

MONDAY, DECEMBER 05

AFL-CIO Day
Bathtub Party Day
Columbian International Day of The Reef
International Ninja Day
International Volunteer Day for Economic & Social Development
Sachertorte Day
World Soil Day

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 06

Miners’ Day
National Pawnbrokers Day
St. Nicholas Day

ON THIS DAY

1936: In Iowa, in a double wedding, a father and son married sisters, making the son his father’s and step-mother’s brother-in-law. The father’s wife became both her sister’s mother-in-law and sister-in-law. The son’s wife became his step-mother’s sister, sister-in-law, and daughter-in-law. ***And let’s not even going to THINK about the children!

1941: Mississippi halfback Bobby Yandell got confused and tackled his own teammate in the Southeastern Conference championship game. Mississippi State won the title 6-0.

1959: Bobby Darin won two Grammy Awards for Best New Artist and Record of the Year for his hit single “Mack the Knife.”

1961: Enos the chimpanzee was launched from Cape Canaveral aboard the Mercury-Atlas Five spacecraft. Enos orbited earth twice before returning.

1963: After a million records had been ordered in England in advance, the Beatles released “I Want to Hold Your Hand.” It was their 5th single in England.

1964: John Lennon and Paul McCartney met their Motown heroes, the Miracles, while dining at the Crazy Elephant restaurant in London.

1969: Elvis Presley recorded “Don’t Cry, Daddy,” with blind background singer Ronnie Milsap.

1975: Bill Gates chose the name Microsoft for the company he and Paul Allen had formed to write the BASIC computer language for the Altair, a microcomputer design based on the Intel 8080A processor unit. ***And thus, the world was introduced to the blue screen of death.

1981: Actress Natalie Wood drowned in a boating accident off Santa Catalina Island, California. She was 43.

1984: A 14-ounce spider monkey named Miss Baker died at age 27 of kidney failure in Huntsville, Alabama. In 1959 Miss Baker became the first American to travel into outer space.

1988: U.S. patent #4,787,160 was issued to Larence Balsamo of Roselle, Illinois, for his Greeting Card Confetti Delivery System, an air suction process that would shower confetti on a person opening a greeting card.

1989: Romanian gymnast Nadia Comaneci fled to Hungary, and eventually moved to the U.S.

1991: A New Zealand company announced it would roundup any unwanted possums at no charge to export the meat to Hong Kong. Hong Kongers, apparently, love possum. ***No excuses not to have a job now – just walk down the shoulder of any road for instant possum-cash!

1996: Britain’s animal advocates warned parents not to buy Dalmatian puppies for their children after the Disney film “101 Dalmations” sparked a wave of abandoned dogs in the U.S.

2003: A 59-year-old builder from Yorkshire, England, was surprised to learn he was a tribal chief with a claim to thousands of acres of land in Canada. Mick Henry, the son of an English mother and a Canadian soldier in Britain during World War II, was tracked down via the Internet by his Native Canadian relatives from the Ojibway tribe in Manitoba. His father had returned to Canada and never maintained contact.

2004: Godzilla received a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. ***Mothra immediately challenged him.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1223: Through publication of “Regula Bullata,” Pope Honorius III formally authorized the “Regula Prima,” a settled rule of organization and administration for the Franciscan order.

1644: The Massachusetts General Court issued a call for local pastors to learn the dialects of neighboring Indian tribes, as an aid toward converting them to the Christian faith.

1776: Anglican hymnwriter John Newton wrote in a letter: ‘He knows our sorrows, not merely as He knows all things, but as one who has been in our situation, and who, though without sin himself, endured when upon earth inexpressibly more for us than He will ever lay upon us.’

1780: In Connecticut, Lemuel Haynes, 27, was licensed to preach in the Congregational Church, becoming the first black minister to be certified by a predominantly white denomination. Five years later, in 1785, Haynes was ordained pastor of a church in Torrington, CT, also making him the first black minister to pastor a white church.

1970: In Nagpur, India, six church bodies — the Anglicans, the United Church of Northern India, the Baptists, the Methodists, the Church of the Brethren and the Disciples of Christ — merged to form the Church of India.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • The Atari video game “Pong” is 44
  • Actress/model (“Baywatch”, “Price Is Right”) Gena Lee Nolin, 45 (audio clip)
  • Actress (“Saturday Night Live”) Ellen Cleghorne 51
  • Actor (Ocean’s Eleven/Twelve, After the Sunset) Don Cheadle, 52
  • Actor (St. Elmo’s Fire, Weekend At Bernie’s, Pretty In Pink) Andrew McCarthy, 54
  • Actress (Mission To Mars, “CSI: Miami”) Kim Delaney 55 (audio clip)
  • Actress (“Soapdish”, Raging Bull) Cathy Moriarty, 56
  • Actor/comedian (“Deal or No Deal”, “Bobby’s World”, “St. Elsewhere”) Howie Mandel, 61 ***I’m not getting him a present this year. He’s never used the hairbrush I got him last year. (audio clip)
  • Actress (Chinatown, Alice Doesn’t Live Here Anymore) Diane Ladd, 84

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1917 : Merle Travis

1932 : Ed Bickert (Paul Desmond Quartet)

1932 : John Gary

1933 : John Mayall (The Bluesbreakers)

1939 : Meco

1940 : Chuck Mangione

1941 : Denny Doherty (The Mamas & The Papas, Mugwumps)

1944 : Felix Cavaliere (The Rascals)

1947 : Ronnie Montrose (Edgar Winter Group, Montrose)

1951 : Barry Goudreau (Boston)

1958 : Michael Dempsey (The Cure)

1965 : Wallis Buchanan (Jamiroquai)

1968 : Jonathan Knight (New Kids on the Block)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

How could the first three days of Creation be ordinary days if the sun wasn’t created until the fourth day?

First of all, you don’t need the sun to have day and night – all you need is light shining on a rotating earth. Now, do we have light on the first three days of Creation? On the first day, God created light and separated it from the darkness. Because there’s evening and morning, it’s obvious that the earth is already rotating and the light is shining from one direction.  Where did that light come from? To be honest – we don’t know. The Bible doesn’t tell us. This shouldn’t be a worry to us, because if God told us everything we wanted to know – we’d have an infinite number of books – and we could never read them and we’d never graduate.  God has given us enough answers from His Word so we can understand all we need. Obviously God made a temporary source for light for the first three days, and then replaced it with the sun on day four.

(Edited from Answers in Genesis and Creation Tips)

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving three days a week from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

A reminder from Rend Collective as we enter into the holiday season: Memories are made of people. There will be no footnote in eternity regarding the 15% off we scored on a 4K TV, but these holiday moments of kindness, intimacy and belonging are the fabric out of which Heaven is woven.

Plumb and her family broke tradition this year and, for the first time bought a pre-lit fake tree. However, she said they had two good reasons. All of their Christmas decorations are still in a storage mobile attic from when they were building the studio and her husband had to leave on Sunday morning for two weeks overseas. So Plumb posted: we chose convenience over tradition this year. She added: We still think it’s lovely and I will confess I’m a little bit giddy about not having to water it or vacuum up it’s needles.

Third Day’s Mac Powell was hoping to cash in on the black Friday and cyber Monday sales but he may need to learn a little more about how the whole process works. On Thanksgiving Day Mac posted: Just so y’all know-I DON’T have any cyber deals going on at MacPowell.com

Tiffany Lee says she is thankful for the simple things, like spending an unexpected day with her mom. The artist who goes by the stage name Plumb was grocery shopping for Thanksgiving supplies and, with 800 other people all in the same store, she ran into her own mother and was able to spend time shopping with her.  https://www.instagram.com/p/BNKnATeDGTI/

Ben McDonald of The Sidewalk Prophets was running a road race on Thanksgiving day but he said it felt a little different than normal. He posted from the start of the Boulevard Bolt and said: it is tradition not to feel my hands at the start of the race. However, this year, Ben said it was already 60 degrees and the start of the race was still an hour away.

While most of us were celebrating Thanksgiving last week, Francesca Battistelli said Christmas came early at her house. She posted a picture of her brand-new Taylor amp that had just arrived. https://www.instagram.com/p/BNM9YsdD94a/

Speaker Anita Renfroe takes on Thanksgiving like it’s her personal Superbowl. She posted this year that she was even watching game tape of last year’s dishes in preparation for the big meal.

Third Day front man Mac Powell says he and his family have a Thanksgiving tradition. Each year they gather together to watch the Polar Express. This year was no exception.

The members of Skillet say couples that rock together stay together. The band posted a picture on their Instagram page as husband and wife members of the band John and Korey shared a kiss on stage. https://www.instagram.com/p/BNPMpmfBsAi/

Hawk Nelson’s Jon Steingard was struggling with his holiday spirit over the weekend. He posted: I was pumped to watch “Elf” – but the girls in the house have vetoed me and we are watching “The Grinch” now. Which is ironic as he is now me.

Joel from for King and County says the Thanksgiving celebration is especially important to celebrate. He posted over the holiday weekend: Coming over as an Australian boy, it’s always been profound to me that this nation reserves an entire day simply to be grateful.

https://twitter.com/4kingandcountry/status/801988693691023360/video/1

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. As on ONAIRprep subscriber, you can get a fully-produced, customized version of the Daily Dose of Weird News FREE with a station or show specific tag! Email darren@onairprep.com for details!)

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

A Californian cat named “Fat Boy” has a lot to be thankful for. The black-and-white feline was rescued Tuesday from the top of a 45-foot high power pole in Fresno, where he had been stuck for nine days. Fat Boy’s owner, Andrew Perez, wasn’t sure how the cat got up there, but guessed that a neighborhood dog may have scared him. To get the cat down electric company workers had to de-energize the 12,000-volt line. The rescue effort left about 250 homes in the area without power for a few hours.  ***And after nine days without food, Fat Boy has now been renamed Anorexic Boy.

There’s a woman from California who is driving by herself across the country to visit every single Costco in the U.S.  ***So people will drive anywhere for a good deal on Christmas shopping.

A 5-year-old boy in Florida just wanted to give thanks to his local sheriff’s office this Thanksgiving. Billy Nolin dialed 911 on Thursday to ask Walton County Sheriff’s Office deputies to join him and his family for their holiday dinner at their home. The sheriff’s office’s lead communications officer said: “With all the bad calls we take on a daily basis, this one was a welcomed happy call that made all of us smile.” She says the officers didn’t end up eating any of the family’s turkey, but they did give the boy a sheriff’s badge and let him pose for photographs inside their patrol car. His mom added that he now knows that the 911 shouldn’t be used for non-emergencies.  ***So the kid calls 911 in a non-emergency, and you teach him a lesson by giving him a badge and letting him take selfies in the patrol car.  Oh yeah, that’ll teach him.

Cards Against Humanity raised more than $100,000 to dig a hole for absolutely no reason. Throughout Black Friday, as Americans spent billions on shopping, the makers of a popular card game convinced thousands of people to give them money so that they could dig a hole. And that’s it. The pit isn’t intended for any other use; the money does not go to any charity; those who paid will not receive anything in return.  In the FAQ section of the website, the question is asked, “What do I get for contributing money to the hole?”  The answer: “A deeper hole. What else are you going to buy, an iPod?”

Christmas came a little early this year – for Ohio police that is. They caught a California man with $330,000 worth of marijuana wrapped up like Christmas presents! Officers pulled over 31-year-old Daniel Yates for following too closely. That’s when officers noticed the trunk and back seat of his rented Ford Expedition was packed with what appeared to be Christmas presents, but a drug-sniffing police dog alerted troopers to the actual contents. Officers unwrapped the “presents” and found 71 pounds of marijuana, 360 THC pills, and a pound of hash wax oil. Yates was charged with drug possession and trafficking. ***Apparently the cops weren’t buying his excuse that he was just delivering Christmas cheer.

Environmentalists say that raking leaves is not good for the ecosystem in your backyard and that yard debris constitutes 13 percent of all the solid waste in the United States every year. The National Wildlife Federation says you should leave dead leaves where they fall, since they become a natural fertilizer for your soil. In addition, chipmunks, salamanders, earthworms, turtles and other small creatures live in the leaves or use them for food and nesting material.  ***Hey, this is exactly the excuse I’ve been looking for!  (HEY, ROBIN – WE’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO RAKE THE LEAVES – IT MIGHT KILL THE PLANET!  I’M GONNA GO WATCH SOME NETFLIX NOW… I LOVE YOU!)

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

A survey says two thirds of TV viewers look at their smartphones during commercial breaks.  ***That sounds low to me.

Recently dumped? Research suggests retail therapy could actually improve your mood. Participants in one study (University of Michigan) watched a sad video clip and then were given money to buy a snack afterward. Those who got money were less sad later than those who didn’t get to buy a snack.  ***Of course, this study is complete balderdash because these people were able to buy stuff with someone else’s money.  So really, the only thing you can say about this is that spending other people’s money makes you happy – which explains all of the smiles in Congress.

Next time you need directions, just ask a cow.  Researchers say cattle seem to know how to find north and south.  They studied satellite photos of thousands of cows around the world. And it seems that most cattle that are grazing or resting tend to align their bodies in a north-south direction.  The findings held true no matter what continent the cattle were on.  Writing in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, the scientists from Germany and the Czech Republic say the Earth’s magnetic field “has to be considered as a factor.”  A German professor who led the research says scientists may now try to find out just how the animals align to the magnetic field, and why.  And, they’re wondering if humans do the same thing.  ***So instead of a TomTom, get a MooMoo!

A recent survey shows 81% of Americans do more than drive when they’re behind the wheel. Eight out of 10 surveyed by Nationwide Mutual Insurance said they adjust the radio or music while they drive. ***As for the two out of ten – liar, liar pants on fire!

WONDER WOMAN (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Square Meal”

DAILY COMEDY CLIP (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Brad Stine, “Look Out For Deer”

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TUESDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, Millard the Monkey was racking his brain and working his limbs to the bone trying to find a way to do something better than Steve Mozart. Mozart composed better music, built a better sandcastle than Millard, built a longer and stronger bridge than Millard, and now even Millard’s new boat has problems…

CLOSE: Why is it so important for Millard to beat Mozart at something? Has he never seen the movie, Amadeus? Apparently not. Tune in next time, for As the Jungle Turns!

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF DECEMBER 03/04

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, the jungle animals were finally tired of running away from a giant-footed creature. Actually they weren’t running away from it, because nobody had ever really even seen it. In fact, this could all be just a big joke! There’s only one way to find out though… and it’s scary…

CLOSE: Oh no… it really IS a monster leaving those giant footprints! It’s a giant gorilla! What will happen to Millard? Will he really be eaten? And will the words salsa and Cheeze Whiz play a large part in our next episode? Find out next time… As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

Today’s Moment of Duh comes to us from the front line battle in Afghanistan with American troops!

U.S. Marine trucks armed with anti-tank weapons tore into the desert from a Marine base in southern Afghanistan to chase down an “unidentified vehicle”. As soon as the alert came in, the Marines put on flak jackets and helmets, realigned their mortars in case they needed to fire. But the tension in the air subsided when the “unidentified vehicle” was finally identified. It turned out to be. . . a camel. Of course, the Marines were a bit embarrassed by the whole incident. “How come you can’t tell a vehicle from a camel?” asked one Marine. “One has wheels, the other has legs.”

TOP TEN

TOP TEN PROCRASTINATORS COMMANDMENTS

  • I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.

  • I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.

  • I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.

  • I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.

  • I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.

  • I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.

  • If at first I don’t succeed, there is always next year.

  • I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.

  • I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.

  • I will never put off tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

For those contemplating a possible career in bank robbery, the need to make a quick getaway cannot be overemphasized.

FILE #1: That would have been advice well heeded by John Faux, who attempted to rob a bank in Niagara Falls, New York. After the teller handed him $2,000, Faux complained that he had clearly demanded $100 million and not a crummy $2,000. The ensuing argument continued until police arrived and arrested Faux.

FILE #2: Apparently too tired and lazy to pick up a newspaper or go online and read about stupid criminals falling asleep while burglarizing homes was a Bosnian man identified only as Edin M. Had Edin not been so lazy he might have read about all those stupid crooks that were awakened by police officers. Yes, Edin has confessed to breaking into a house and he told police that he saw the couch and just sat to down to rest for a while and fell asleep.

FILE #3: Police in Manchester, Connecticut, had one of the easiest arrests ever when a man who stole a car stopped to ask police for directions. Larico Garrett was driving a stolen vehicle late one night when he pulled into a convenience store parking lot to ask Officer Robert Johnson for directions to a nearby street in order to get to his girlfriend’s apartment. Garrett made the officer suspicious when he questioned the officer’s directions. The officer then ran a check of the license plate on the Cadillac that Garrett was driving and learned it was reported stolen. They then went to the home that he asked for directions to and arrested him.

STRANGE LAW: In New Jersey, it’s against the law to slurp your soup!

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

Only a brain on drugs could find a way to run over itself with the very vehicle it was driving!

A 21-year-old man was accused of driving drunk and leading police on a chase that finally ended with him running over himself. The man was treated for minor injuries at a Santa Fe hospital and booked in to the Sandoval County detention center on charges of aggravated driving while intoxicated, fleeing a police officer, careless driving and two other outstanding traffic warrants. A tip to the state’s DrunkBuster hot line alerted authorities to a possibly drunken driver. State Police Officer Grace Romero spotted the man’s pickup truck swerving across both lanes of a highway, driving slowly and then fast. He refused to stop. After narrowly missing other vehicles, police said the suspect drove through a ditch and a barbed-wire fence before stopping. He tried to put the truck into park, but it ended up in reverse. Police said the man fell from his open door and both of his legs were run over by the front driver’s side tire.

PHONER PHUN

Today is NATIONAL ELECTRONIC GREETINGS DAY.  This actually comes up right at the time when my wife and I are working on our annual Christmas newsletter that we’ll send out to friends and family. With the availability of the internet, is it socially acceptable to send Christmas newsletters to others via the web? I say it’s no big deal, people are going to read the Christmas letters once then throw them away anyway, but my wife says that’s not the point – it’s that email is cold and unfeeling, while printing out an individual copy for each person means you thought of them. To which my response is, “how caring is it, really, when you get 300 copies made at Kinkos?” What’s YOUR opinion?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: According to the book of Proverbs, a king gives his country stability by giving it what?

ANSWER: Justice (Proverbs 29:4 = “By justice a king gives a country stability, but those who are greedy for bribes tear it down.”)

QUESTION: What man in the Bible had hair like eagle feathers and nails like bird claws?

ANSWER: Nebuchadnezzar (Daniel 4)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: According to a recent human behavior study, the average adult becomes visibly irritated after 40 seconds of doing this. What is it?

ANSWER: Waiting for an elevator

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. Earth is the only planet in our solar system not named after a pagan God. (True)

2. It’s against the law to tie an elephant to a telephone pole or street lamp in Atlanta, GA. (False… it is against the law to do that to a giraffe, however!)

3. Niagara Falls is the tallest falls in the world. (False – The Angel Falls in Venezuela are 20 times taller!)

4. Circumorbital Hematoma is just a fancy way of saying you have a broken arm. (False – it’s a black eye)

5. The Sacramento Kings basketball team used to be the Kansas City Kings (True)

6. Tarantism is an uncontrollable urge to dance. (True)

7. A sneeze travels out of your mouth at approximately 100 miles per hour (False – 600 mph!)

8. 3% of all pictures taken are taken in either Disney World or Disneyland. (True)

9. Denver, Colorado, is the highest city in the United States. (False)

10. Ants stretch when they wake up in the morning. (True)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

TUNA _______ (BOY)

NEW JERSEY –  A rare mutation happened to Fred Alan on the way to his Thanksgiving feast.  His head turned into a Tuna!

Last week, Fred Allan, an angler who went missing three miles off the coast of New Jersey, was spotted in Jersey City on his way to a Thanksgiving feast.

Fred sat through his Thanksgiving meal with his family without them noticing that his head was had turned into a tuna. But his family has never paid much attention to Fred.   He left with his turkey leftovers.

It wasn’t until he was walking home when a little boy, Chucky Thompson, saw Fred on the street and screamed, “Your head is a tuna fish!”  Fred quickly put his hands to his head and realized that Chucky was right.  Not only was he shocked to learn he had a tuna head, but also Fred realized that his hands were missing as well.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

During basic army training, a sergeant was telling his group how a submachine gun sprayed bullets. He drew a circle on a blackboard and announced that it had 260 degrees.

“But, sergeant, all circles have 360 degrees,” remarked one of the trainees.

“Don’t be stupid,” the sergeant roared. “This is a small circle.”

JOKE #2

Maggie’s kids, aged 10 and 12 were sitting under a quilt on the couch watching television. She joined them, and complained that there was not enough quilt for her.

The 10 year old replied “That’s because the quilt is in portrait not landscape!”

And sure enough, when they turned the quilt to “landscape” they all fit!

JOKE #3

The personnel manager was impressing the applicant with the prospective job. “We make parts for microscopes. You’ll be required to work with lenses that are ten-thousandths of an inch thick.”

“I can handle it,” the applicant said, “I used to slice meat in a delicatessen.”

USELESS FACTS

According to a survey conducted by the employment agency, Manpower, Inc., companies are now saying that it’s getting a lot harder to find workers who are talented and/or qualified for specific job positions.  ***That’s because work really cuts into your sleep time, and who wants to deal with that?  (Besides… it’s easier just to stay home and sell your used junk on Ebay for a quick buck.)

If you’re trying to lower your cholesterol, a new study suggests that a rigid diet could be as effective as cholesterol-lowering pills.  However, the problem could lie in sticking to the diet since it includes such things as tofu and oatmeal.  Other not so tasty items on the list were almonds, okra and eggplant.  Those who were able to stick to the diet lowered their cholesterol by 29 percent.  ***And their enjoyment of life by 79 percent.

Cows give more milk when listening to music.  ***Ironically, even more when listening to “How Dry I Am”.

FEATURED FUNNIES

A GOOD ACTRESS

I overheard two children discussing their selection in the video store.
One boy took Disney’s CINDERELLA off the shelf, pointed to the drawing of the title character on the cover, and said,
“Oh, she’s really good. I saw her in ALICE IN WONDERLAND.”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

How much money is YOUR tooth worth?  Willing to donate your loose tooth to the Red Cross? 

A few years ago, a little girl from Sioux Falls, South Dakota, sent her tooth to the Red Cross to donate Tooth Fairy money to hurricane victims, and someone gave $500 for it.

***I’ve always wondered… what exactly does the tooth fairy do with all of the teeth she collects?

What possible reason would there be for a fairy to go into the tooth-hauling business in the first place? If you think about it, she HAS to be selling the baby teeth of children on some kind of child tooth enamel black market. After all, we don’t see “Children’s Teeth” on store shelves or under the counter at pharmacies around the world – so they have to be going somewhere else.

First you must ask yourself where does all of the money come from that the Tooth Fairy leaves for the teeth? The repulsive idea of carrying around saliva-encrusted canines, molars, and bicuspids from the mouths of millions of children around the world must somehow be lessened by the financial reward the Tooth Fairy is able to obtain from turning in the teeth to some underground organization possibly led by a tooth “godfather.”

The Molar Mafia (which I can only assume exists, as I have no definitive proof), must then have quite a list of buyers. What happens to the teeth at that point is anybody’s guess, but I do have a theory. The Molar Mafia pays a handsome price for the teeth collected – and children of the world only see a small percentage of that.

Have you noticed that the pricing of teeth changes from year to year, generation to generation, and even tooth to tooth? Think about it. Sometimes a tooth earns the child a quarter. Sometimes a half dollar. Some fortunate children may receive a dollar or more for the tooth that is placed under their pillows at night. This can only be due to market fluctuations and possibly DNA testing of the individual teeth to determine their quality and value. This probably also explains why the Tooth Fairy works in the dead of night while everyone is asleep, as it takes time to do all of the necessary tests and experiments on the tooth to determine its value so the Tooth Fairy can then properly reimburse the child for their contribution. We’ll not even go into the possibility of children having gold or silver fillings, as it is blatantly obvious why a Tooth Fairy would be interested in such a rare find.

Regardless of condition, the tooth is taken 100% of the time. What is left, due to the nature of business with supply and demand, is only a percentage of what that tooth is truly worth. My guess is the child gets, at the most, 10% of what it’s worth to the Tooth Fairy. So at twenty-five cents for the child, I’m guessing the Tooth Fairy actually turns the individual tooth over to the Molar Mafia for close to $2.50; quite a profitable business for the Tooth Fairy, considering the billions of children around the world who lose their teeth as they approach their teen years.

Of course, the Molar Mafia is not going to pay that much unless it too has buyers. And as with all underground operations, a healthy profit is to be made by the Molar Mafia… that’s a given. So somewhere out there is another organization willing to pay, perhaps, $5 per tooth or more!

Mind-blowing, isn’t it? So the question now is, who on earth would pay $5 or more for a single tooth?

Which brings us to the makers of dentures…

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

THE SYMPTOMS OF INNER PEACE

  • A tendency to think and act spontaneously, rather than on fears based on past experiences.
  • An unmistakable ability to enjoy each moment.
  • A loss of interest in judging other people.
  • A loss of interest in judging self.
  • A loss of interest in interpreting the actions of others.
  • A loss of the ability to worry.
  • Frequent, overwhelming episodes of appreciation.
  • Contented feelings of connectedness with others and nature.
  • Frequent attacks of smiling.
  • An increasing tendency to let things happen.
  • An increased susceptibility to love, and to freely receive the love extended by others, as well as the uncontrollable urge to extend it.

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

Sharing your faith is sort of like changing the toilet paper.

How strongly do you feel about sharing your faith?  Are there other, less critical mattes where your passion for persuading or convincing others is stronger?

Different “causes” inspire passion in different people.  Some people are passionate about the environment or homelessness.  Others have more trivial passions like a hatred for anchovies.  I think the most trivial passion I’ve ever experienced, though, had to do with toilet paper.

That’s right – toilet paper.  I’m not talking about a passion for toilet paper.  We’ve all experienced that when the last roll is gone and the last sheet pulls off the cardboard tube.  I’m talking about the way toilet paper is mounted on the dispenser.

I was helping prepare the program for a youth rally a few years ago and I was looking for something fun to get everybody’s attention and interest before the speaker went up to do his thing.  I had just read a magazine article reporting that, when surveyed, people were fairly evenly divided over how toilet paper should be mounted on the dispenser.  Some felt strongly that the paper should be mounted so that the tissue rolled “over the top” of the spool.  Others felt just as passionately that it be pulled the other direction – from underneath.

I found it kind of funny that people even cared about such a thing… and then I got married and found out that this is a big thing for just about everyone in the world except for me.  At this high-school rally I decided to take it a step further and I had the kids argue, one-by-one for the pros and cons of each way of rolling the toilet paper off of the roll as it is used.  We then voted (by applause) on which way was the best way.

This fun idea of mind almost incited a riot.  It was practically impossible to tell by the loud, thunderous applause which way was the better way to treat the toilet paper!

MATTHEW 8:21-22… Another man, one of his disciples, said to him, “Lord, first let me go and bury my father.”

But Jesus told him, “Follow me, and let the dead bury their own dead.”

This guy was looking for a way to follow Jesus that wouldn’t risk stirring up trouble at home.  The father he was worried about burying wasn’t even dead yet – or else the disciple wouldn’t have been out listening to Jesus (same-day burial in Jesus’ day was required – for obvious reasons)!  So, it’s likely that this guy’s father just didn’t like him hanging out with Jesus.  So following Jesus, for this guy, would require a declaration of loyalty that surpassed even family relationships and responsibilities.

So – what’s this got to do with toilet paper, right?  Well – these high school students didn’t bat an eye at speaking boldly for the toilet paper procedure they believed in.  They stood up to a hostile crowd to plead their case.  But how different would this have been if they had to get up in front of that same crowd and talk about their relationship with Jesus?

Okay… so toilet paper doesn’t exactly compare to Christ, I know.  But think about it… we spend our most private moment with that rolled up paper.  We spend years convinced that it should exit the roll in a certain way – over or under.  And nobody is going to convince you otherwise now, because we’ve proved to ourselves that our way is the best way to go.

Then again – maybe these same things should characterize our faith and give us power and conviction to share it.  So… faith is kinda like how we roll the toilet paper in our bathroom.

LEFTOVERS

FROM THE GARDEN TO THE DOGHOUSE

A woman’s pet snake escapes from its cage… and follows her to work!

It’s sometimes entertaining to hear about the love of someone’s pet. The pet loves its owner so much that it actually follows the owner to work, tail wagging all the time. But what if that pet were a snake? Jackie Mills’ pet snake escaped from its cage and went missing for five weeks! The 5-ft long black and yellow Russian rat snake slithered a mile across a field, up steps and over a bridge before reaching Jackie’s workplace. The snake was eventually spotted outside her work. He has lost some weight but is now safely back home in his cage.

LIFE… LIVE IT

TIPS FOR PARENTS OF TEXTING TEENS

A new report says that teens are averaging more than 3,000 texts per month. That’s six an hour — even in school. How can you make sure your kids are on their best texting behavior?

Billions of text messages are sent every year from your kids’ mobile phones. While most kids use messaging responsibly, it’s still a powerful and extremely private communication tool that needs to be used responsibly. Here are a few tips for parents with texting teens…

  • Carefully evaluate whether or not your kids need texting on their cell phones. Just because other kids in their class have it doesn’t mean your child needs it.

  • If your kids do text, get an unlimited texting plan. Otherwise the charges mount up swiftly.

  • Make rules around when and where. No texting during meals, during class, on family outings. Oh, and turn the phone OFF at night!

  • Establish consequences for misuse. Cheating, inappropriate messages, sexual communication. These are all no-go’s. Want to make your point? Take a kid’s phone away for a week.

  • Watch your own behavior. Parents are still kids’ playbooks for right and wrong. If you text your kid during class and then turn around and tell that child that he or she can’t do that, we send mixed messages.

  • If you suspect your kids aren’t texting appropriately, you can always look at their messages. Yes, it feels like snooping, but your first job as parents is to ensure your kids use powerful technologies safely and responsibly.

JUST FOR FUN

REAL CAT BURGLAR

We’ve all heard the term “cat burglar” – but what about a real burglar that also happens to be a cat?

A Siamese cat has been committing burglaries at neighbor’s houses recently – getting in through the pet doors. The alleged cat burglar, Timone, is being accused of stealing things such as toys, clothes, shoes, underwear and a pair of oven gloves. Timone’s owner now has a full suitcase of stuff for the neighbors to stop by and check to see if any of their stuff is in it. One of the cat’s biggest heists was stealing the shoes of a builder working next door who had to wait until Timone’s owner returned home so he could get his shoes back. The owner says that it is the nature of Siamese cats to take things that don’t belong to them.

FUN LIST

IDEAS THAT SEEMED GREAT AT THE TIME…

(KeepersOfLists.org)

Investing in Enron

Jumping on Oprah’s Couch

Parachute Pants

Being honest when your wife asks you “Does this make me look fat?”

The placement of the Ford Pinto gas tank

Hitting on your girlfriends mom

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

CHRISTMAS PARKING TICKET

The red flag on the parking meter was visible, and sure enough, Scott Seomin found a souvenir from the city of West Hollywood, Calif., on his windshield. But it wasn’t a ticket – it was a poem:

The meter was red, as time had expired.

In the rush of the season,

We knew you’d be tired.


A parking ticket would just make you blue,


And in the holiday spirit this just would not do.


So during this time of friendship and good cheer,


Season’s greetings to you and best wishes all year.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

Financial experts Scott and Bethany Palmer were recently featured on Focus on the Family. Their subject: “Managing Your Finances at Christmastime.” If that sounds like some advice you could use, check out the broadcast at http://bit.ly/2eGsMG0.

Thanksgiving is past but all that extra food doesn’t have to be a problem. Hunter Lewis, editor of Cooking Light magazine, concedes that Thanksgiving can throw your diet for a loop, but he argued that the spirit of Thanksgiving matters more than the food. He told ABC News: “Enjoy yourself and don’t feel guilty [about the food].” Lewis, however, warned against indulging after the holiday. He says “Don’t let one day of feasting turn into five days.”  Read more and watch the video at http://abcn.ws/2fblgDl.

What happens when you throw boiling water over your head in temperatures hovering at 25 below zero. It creates snow ice. Watch what happens in a recently recorded slow motion video. http://twitter.com/9explore/status/725955191460098048/video/1

The 4,000-year-old jug was unveiled last week by the Israel Antiquities Authority. The jug is from the same era as Abraham and Sarah. It was discovered in a student archaeological dig in the contemporary city of Yehud and features a details figure in a thinking pose on top of a jug. It was discovered alongside daggers, arrowheads, an axe head, sheep bones and what are thought to be the bones of a donkey. Officials say the ceramic pot, about 18 cm high, was unlike anything previously discovered. They say “The level of precision and attention to detail in creating this almost 4,000-year-old sculpture is extremely impressive.”  You can read more about it at http://bit.ly/2gkezLf.

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

And that concludes my post-Thanksgiving edition of (THE JOCK SHOW).  It had to be my post-Thanksgiving show, because all of the jokes were leftovers.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

NOVEMBER 24, 2016…

 

Loving—In the 1950’s, there was some integration in the U.S., but marriage between a black person and a white person just didn’t happen.  Well, it does in 1958, with Joel Edgerton as the white man, and Ruth Onega, as the black woman. The marriage is held in Virginia and this resulted in going to the Supreme Court and the momentous 1967 anti-discrimination ruling. “Loving” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.

 

Allied—Set in 1942, between London and other cities, “Allied” is the story of two spies, who are actually falling for each other.  One is Brad Pitt and the other is Marion Collard. and shades of “Casablanca”, costumes, atmosphere and all.  Directed by Robert Clemencies. “Allied” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans of the stars.

 

Bad Santa 2—It’s a Billy Bob Thornton film for those who take the Christmas holidays with about 3 ounces of salt. He’s at it again as Willie Smoke, and this time Kathy Bates and Christina Kendrick are in the cast. Wonder what would happen if Madea (Tyler Perry) ever met Billy Bob’s “Bad Santa?” Just asking…..  “Bad Santa 2” is rated R. No rating.

 

Moana—An animated film for the holiday season, this one is set in the Islands, 2000 years ago.  It concerns a young girl (Moana and voiced by Auli Cravalho) who wants to find a mythical character called Maui (voice of Dwayne Johnson), to help her people reach a new home across the sea.  Plenty of Polynesian culture here. “Moana” is rated PG. Rating of 3 for fans.

 

Rules Don’t Apply—Warren Beatty, who hasn’t made a film in a few years, comes back starring in, and about, Howard Hughes.  The plot has Hughes observing the budding romance between two of his employees, Lily Collins and Aiden Ehrenreich. “Rules Don’t Apply” is rated PG 13. No rating.

 

Lion—Saroo (played by Dev Patel from “Slumdog Millionaire”) has been separated from his family since he was a young boy. Now, an adult, he wants to find them and uses Google Earth  to aid in his search. Saroo was adopted by Nicole Kidman and David Wenham and lives in Australia. Also in the cast is  Rooney Mara.. “Lion” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans. Bring handkerchief.

 

DECEMBER 02, 2016…

 

La La Land is a nod to the old Hollywood musicals and stars Ryan Gosling (yes, he dances) and Emma Stone.

 

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