November 29, 2017: Wednesday ONAIRprep

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ODT: 20171129
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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Welcome to (THE JOCK SHOW)! For the video version of my show aim your video recorder at your radio and push the little red button.

PRESIDENTIAL WIT & WISDOM (click here to buy the book)

(None on the weekends.)

“If I had permitted my failures, or what seemed to me at the time a lack of success, to discourage me I cannot see any way in which I would ever have made progress.” – Calvin Coolidge

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“Worry weighs a person down; an encouraging word cheers a person up.” –Proverbs 12:25

Daniel 6:10 = Now when Daniel learned that the decree had been published, he went home to his upstairs room where the windows opened toward Jerusalem. Three times a day he got down on his knees and prayed, giving thanks to his God, just as he had done before.

Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path. — Psalm 119:105

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

“All things have been committed to me by my Father. No one knows the Son except the Father, and no one knows the Father except the Son and those to whom the Son chooses to reveal him. Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” — Matthew 11:27-28

Thought: True rest comes from knowing God. King David reminds us of this in Psalm 23. Jesus makes it clear again. Only Jesus can fully reveal God to us. Only Jesus can take away the burden of seeking to please God without an understanding of grace. Only he can remove the burden of our past sins and enable us to stand holy, blameless, and free from accusation before God Almighty. (cf. Colossians 1:21-22)

Prayer: Father in heaven, thank you for sending Jesus to fulfill the Law and to bless me with your grace. May I never take that grace for granted. Dear Father, empower me to serve you with joy and gladness that come from the burdens of my sinfulness and failure lifted by your grace. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

Matthew 11:29 NIV = Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.

TODAY IS WEDNESDAY – NOVEMBER 29, 2017

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
25 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is NATIONAL ELECTRONIC GREETINGS DAY.  A good day to send someone an e-card.  ***With technology as advanced as it is today, is it appropriate to send people e-Christmas cards INSTEAD of cards through the postal service?

Today is NATIONAL SQUARE DANCE DAY.  ***It’s called that because you almost always feel like a square when doing it.

Today is NATIONAL CHOCOLATES DAY.  Forrest Gump was right — life is like a box of chocolates, and your favorite kind of bonbon tells us something of your personality. “An extensive survey proved the theory that chocolate is one of those foods that taps a wellspring of childhood memories,” says psychologist Dorothy Maples, of Detroit, MI. “Kids don’t bother with facades. What you see is what you get. And that same core truth about your personality is revealed by your choice of chocolate.”

  • Chocolate Covered Nuts — You’re the mainstay of your family, always there to support your loved ones. And they know that you can be depended on to solve most any problem.

  • Caramel Center — You’re the Peter Pan in your circle of loved ones — beneath your adult shell beats the heart of a youngster. Your genuine enjoyment of everything life has to offer is contagious.

  • Crème-Filled — You take pride in an old-fashioned lifestyle that’s a mirror of your parent’s values. Both pals and relatives gravitate to your home — the warmth and laughter found there are irresistible.

  • Dipped Fruit — Some may see you as kooky, but you know the truth is that you’re a genuine original. You swim against the tide of trendy thought, and others appreciate your creative views.

  • Truffles — You believe you and yours deserve only the best, and you work hard to provide for your family. Your generosity of spirit isn’t limited to your loved ones. You’re also a champion of volunteerism in your community.

And get this: Eating milk chocolate can improve your brain activity, according to a study from Wheeling Jesuit University in West Virginia. Led by Dr. Bryan Raudenbush, the researchers found that milk chocolate had a positive impact on memory, attention span and reaction time!

TODAY IS ALSO…

Electronic Greetings Day
International Day of Solidarity With The Palestinian People
National Package Protection Day (Following Wednesday after Thanksgiving)
Square Dancing Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 30

Cities for Life Day
Computer Security Day
National Mason Jar Day
National Meth Awareness Day
Stay Home Because You’re Well Day

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 01

Antartica Day
Basketball Day
Bifocals at the Monitor Liberation Day
Civil Air Patrol Day
Clark Kent’s Birthday (Superman)
Day With(out) Art Day
National Christmas Tree Lighting (DC)
National Salesperson Day (First Friday)
Rosa Parks Day
World Aids Day
Faux Fur Friday

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 02

Bartender Appreciation Day (First  Saturday)
Earmuff Day or Chester Greenwood Day (First  Saturday)
International Day for the Abolition of Slavery Day
National Mutt Day
National Rhubarb Vodka Day (First Saturday)
Safety Razor Day
Skywarn Recognition Day (First  Saturday)
Special Education Day
World Pear Day

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 03

International Day of Persons With Disabilities

MONDAY, DECEMBER 04

National Cookie Day
National Dice Day
National Sock Day
World Wildlife Conservation Day

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 05

AFL-CIO Day
Bathtub Party Day
Columbian International Day of The Reef
International Ninja Day
International Volunteer Day for Economic & Social Development
Sachertorte Day
Special Kids Day
World Soil Day

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 06

Miners’ Day
National Pawnbrokers Day
St. Nicholas Day
World Trick Shot Day
National Christmas Tree Lighting (DC)

ON THIS DAY

1877: Thomas Edison made his famous recording of “Mary Had a Little Lamb”. ***I won’t tell you how it ends, in case you plan to read the book.

1897: Motorcycle races were held on an oval track for the very first time. ***They proved to be much less exciting than the more accident-causing triangle tracks.

1936: In Iowa, in a double wedding, a father and son married sisters, making the son his father’s and step-mother’s brother-in-law. The father’s wife became both her sister’s mother-in-law and sister-in-law. The son’s wife became his step-mother’s sister, sister-in-law, and daughter-in-law. ***And let’s not even going to THINK about the children!

1941: Mississippi halfback Bobby Yandell got confused and tackled his own teammate in the Southeastern Conference championship game. Mississippi State won the title 6-0.

1951: The United States conducted their first underground atomic explosion at Frenchman Flat, Nevada. ***At first, they tried blaming it on a really big dog.

1959: Bobby Darin won two Grammy Awards for Best New Artist and Record of the Year for his hit single “Mack the Knife.”

1961: Enos the chimpanzee was launched from Cape Canaveral aboard the Mercury-Atlas Five spacecraft. Enos orbited earth twice before returning.

1963: After a million records had been ordered in England in advance, the Beatles released “I Want to Hold Your Hand.” It was their 5th single in England.

1964: John Lennon and Paul McCartney met their Motown heroes, the Miracles, while dining at the Crazy Elephant restaurant in London.

1969: Elvis Presley recorded “Don’t Cry, Daddy,” with blind background singer Ronnie Milsap.

1975: Bill Gates chose the name Microsoft for the company he and Paul Allen had formed to write the BASIC computer language for the Altair, a microcomputer design based on the Intel 8080A processor unit. ***And thus, the world was introduced to the blue screen of death.

1981: Actress Natalie Wood drowned in a boating accident off Santa Catalina Island, California. She was 43.

1984: A 14-ounce spider monkey named Miss Baker died at age 27 of kidney failure in Huntsville, Alabama. In 1959 Miss Baker became the first American to travel into outer space.

1988: U.S. patent #4,787,160 was issued to Larence Balsamo of Roselle, Illinois, for his Greeting Card Confetti Delivery System, an air suction process that would shower confetti on a person opening a greeting card.

1989: Romanian gymnast Nadia Comaneci fled to Hungary, and eventually moved to the U.S.

1991: A New Zealand company announced it would roundup any unwanted possums at no charge to export the meat to Hong Kong. Hong Kongers, apparently, love possum. ***No excuses not to have a job now – just walk down the shoulder of any road for instant possum-cash!

1996: Britain’s animal advocates warned parents not to buy Dalmatian puppies for their children after the Disney film “101 Dalmations” sparked a wave of abandoned dogs in the U.S.

2003: A 59-year-old builder from Yorkshire, England, was surprised to learn he was a tribal chief with a claim to thousands of acres of land in Canada. Mick Henry, the son of an English mother and a Canadian soldier in Britain during World War II, was tracked down via the Internet by his Native Canadian relatives from the Ojibway tribe in Manitoba. His father had returned to Canada and never maintained contact.

2004: Godzilla received a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. ***Mothra immediately challenged him.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1223: Through publication of “Regula Bullata,” Pope Honorius III formally authorized the “Regula Prima,” a settled rule of organization and administration for the Franciscan order.

1644: The Massachusetts General Court issued a call for local pastors to learn the dialects of neighboring Indian tribes, as an aid toward converting them to the Christian faith.

1776: Anglican hymnwriter John Newton wrote in a letter: ‘He knows our sorrows, not merely as He knows all things, but as one who has been in our situation, and who, though without sin himself, endured when upon earth inexpressibly more for us than He will ever lay upon us.’

1780: In Connecticut, Lemuel Haynes, 27, was licensed to preach in the Congregational Church, becoming the first black minister to be certified by a predominantly white denomination. Five years later, in 1785, Haynes was ordained pastor of a church in Torrington, CT, also making him the first black minister to pastor a white church.

1970: In Nagpur, India, six church bodies — the Anglicans, the United Church of Northern India, the Baptists, the Methodists, the Church of the Brethren and the Disciples of Christ — merged to form the Church of India.

BIRTHDAY RAP-UP

  • Actress (Scary Movie) Anna Faris 41
  • The Atari video game “Pong” is 45
  • Actor (Kevin in “The Office”) Brian Baumgartner, 45
  • Actress/model (“Baywatch”, “Price Is Right”) Gena Lee Nolin, 46 (audio clip)
  • Actress (“Saturday Night Live”) Ellen Cleghorne 52
  • Actor (Ocean’s Eleven/Twelve, After the Sunset) Don Cheadle, 53
  • Actor (St. Elmo’s Fire, Weekend At Bernie’s, Pretty In Pink) Andrew McCarthy, 55
  • Actress (Mission To Mars, “CSI: Miami”) Kim Delaney 56 (audio clip)
  • Actress (“Soapdish”, Raging Bull) Cathy Moriarty, 57
  • Actor/comedian (“Deal or No Deal”, “Bobby’s World”, “St. Elsewhere”, “America’s Got Talent”) Howie Mandel, 62 (audio clip)
  • Actress (Chinatown, Alice Doesn’t Live Here Anymore) Diane Ladd, 85

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1917 : Merle Travis

1932 : Ed Bickert (Paul Desmond Quartet)

1932 : John Gary

1933 : John Mayall (The Bluesbreakers)

1939 : Meco

1940 : Chuck Mangione

1941 : Denny Doherty (The Mamas & The Papas, Mugwumps)

1944 : Felix Cavaliere (The Rascals)

1947 : Ronnie Montrose (Edgar Winter Group, Montrose)

1951 : Barry Goudreau (Boston)

1958 : Michael Dempsey (The Cure)

1965 : Wallis Buchanan (Jamiroquai)

1968 : Jonathan Knight (New Kids on the Block)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

How could the first three days of Creation be ordinary days if the sun wasn’t created until the fourth day?

First of all, you don’t need the sun to have day and night – all you need is light shining on a rotating earth. Now, do we have light on the first three days of Creation? On the first day, God created light and separated it from the darkness. Because there’s evening and morning, it’s obvious that the earth is already rotating and the light is shining from one direction.  Where did that light come from? To be honest – we don’t know. The Bible doesn’t tell us. This shouldn’t be a worry to us, because if God told us everything we wanted to know – we’d have an infinite number of books – and we could never read them and we’d never graduate.  God has given us enough answers from His Word so we can understand all we need. Obviously God made a temporary source for light for the first three days, and then replaced it with the sun on day four.

(Edited from Answers in Genesis and Creation Tips)

NEWS KICKERS

(None on weekends. Want a customizable version with your specific station tag, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

A Mississauga teenager was cautioned by the Ontario Provincial Police after she called 911 last Tuesday to complain that her parents “forced her” to go on vacation with them at a rental cottage east of Toronto in Trent Hills.  “This appeared to be a case of a teenager being a teenager,” Northumberland OPP Const. Steve Bates told CBC News. “Although she perceived this as a real issue, it was not an appropriate use of 911.”  Officers attended the rental cottage on Trent River, about 180 kilometres northeast of Toronto, to ensure everyone was safe and that there was no “real” emergency, Bates said.  The 15-year-old girl has been cautioned for misuse of the emergency number.  ***If we could be saved from having to be with family simply by calling the cops, 911 operators would be slammed during the holidays.

Prince Harry says that President Trump will not be welcome at his upcoming wedding.  ***Donald Trump has already been to enough of his own weddings, he’d probably be bored anyway.

Police in Barrington, Illinois, charged Julie Gagne with arson and disorderly conduct after she set fire to her SUV. Police say she she set to her Infiniti QX70 using a flamethrower she bought online. ***Well, you gotta test it on something to see if it works!

George HW Bush set a presidential record Saturday by simply waking up and going about his day. Bush Sr. turned 93 and 166 days over the weekend, making him the longest living US president in the country’s history. The previous record holder, Gerald Ford, lived to be 93 and 165 days before his death in 2006. Jimmy Carter, at 93 and 56 days, isn’t too far behind.  ***Bush Sr. is still behind Bill Clinton though when it comes to breaking the record of sexual assaults by a U.S. president.

An Arkansas woman apparently stole $366,000 from a county for personal use, including buying a tuxedo for her dog.  ***That sounds like justifiable robbery to me!  It was a necessity!

It’s official — Britain’s Prince Harry and Meghan Markle are engaged, with a royal wedding in the works for next spring. ***Well there goes my idea for a British version of “The Bachelor”.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

The spacesuits Neil Armstrong & Buzz Aldrin wore 2 the moon in 1969 were actually designed by Playtex. Yes, the tampon company.  ***To the moon, Alice!!!!

A mall in Sydney, Australia is making news for banning loud kids. If your kid makes noise, you’re not welcome. Here’s the posted notice: “Stop. Parents please be considerate of other customers using the food court. Screaming children will not be tolerated in the center.”  The mall’s manger said, “Parents have to be more responsible. We have had so many complaints.”  ***Instead of bibs, the food court now distributes free ball gags.

According to Weekly World News (which we all know is a very distinguished news organization and should always be trusted), men are going extinct and scientists have now put them on the “endangered species” list.  Professor Jenna Goodman even claims the male of the species is heading for extinction by the end of this century.  Professor Goodman, one of  England’s most influential scientists, believes that women will win the battle of the sexes – and men will be permanently vanquished.  She says that the inherent fragility of the male sex chromosome, the Y sex chromosome, means that men will no longer be able to survive in the genetic pool.  ***As a man, I have to say I am completely okay with this – and even excited about it.  If we’re an endangered species, it means special treatment, federal dollars, and custom habitats built for us free of charge!  You can’t disturb our natural surroundings without government officials coming down on you, and if you damage, hurt, maim, or even bruise us in any way you’ll be arrested.  How is this NOT good for men?  Too bad ladies – you may be the “fairer sex”, but you don’t have federal protection!

Researchers at Yale University say that chocolate may be good for pregnant women.  ***Especially if used as a pickle dip.

Some colleges are turning to coloring books to help students relieve stress. ***Which will never work – trying to color in the lines always gave me a panic attack.

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TUESDAY’S EPISODE

CHRISTMAS 03 of 09

OPEN: FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) now bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time on As the Jungle Turns, Gruffy Bear was getting annoyed at his new neighbor – because he kept pounding on the wall while Gruffy Bear was trying to hibernate through the winter! But what’s the pounding all about? Gruffy is about to find out, As the Jungle Turns!

CLOSE: Now that’s what I call caroling! But it’s all new to Gruffy Bear – he always sleeps through the winter, so he’s never seen or even heard of Christmas! How’s he going to take all of this? Find out next time – As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH
Today’s Moment of Duh comes to us from the front line battle in Afghanistan with American troops!

U.S. Marine trucks armed with anti-tank weapons tore into the desert from a Marine base in southern Afghanistan to chase down an “unidentified vehicle”. As soon as the alert came in, the Marines put on flak jackets and helmets, realigned their mortars in case they needed to fire. But the tension in the air subsided when the “unidentified vehicle” was finally identified. It turned out to be. . . a camel. Of course, the Marines were a bit embarrassed by the whole incident. “How come you can’t tell a vehicle from a camel?” asked one Marine. “One has wheels, the other has legs.”

TOP TEN

TOP TEN PROCRASTINATORS COMMANDMENTS

  • I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.

  • I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.

  • I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.

  • I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.

  • I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.

  • I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.

  • If at first I don’t succeed, there is always next year.

  • I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.

  • I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.

  • I will never put off tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

For those contemplating a possible career in bank robbery, the need to make a quick getaway cannot be overemphasized.

FILE #1: That would have been advice well heeded by John Faux, who attempted to rob a bank in Niagara Falls, New York. After the teller handed him $2,000, Faux complained that he had clearly demanded $100 million and not a crummy $2,000. The ensuing argument continued until police arrived and arrested Faux.

FILE #2: Apparently too tired and lazy to pick up a newspaper or go online and read about stupid criminals falling asleep while burglarizing homes was a Bosnian man identified only as Edin M. Had Edin not been so lazy he might have read about all those stupid crooks that were awakened by police officers. Yes, Edin has confessed to breaking into a house and he told police that he saw the couch and just sat to down to rest for a while and fell asleep.

FILE #3: Police in Manchester, Connecticut, had one of the easiest arrests ever when a man who stole a car stopped to ask police for directions. Larico Garrett was driving a stolen vehicle late one night when he pulled into a convenience store parking lot to ask Officer Robert Johnson for directions to a nearby street in order to get to his girlfriend’s apartment. Garrett made the officer suspicious when he questioned the officer’s directions. The officer then ran a check of the license plate on the Cadillac that Garrett was driving and learned it was reported stolen. They then went to the home that he asked for directions to and arrested him.

STRANGE LAW: In New Jersey, it’s against the law to slurp your soup!

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.

Only a brain on drugs could find a way to run over itself with the very vehicle it was driving!

A 21-year-old man was accused of driving drunk and leading police on a chase that finally ended with him running over himself. The man was treated for minor injuries at a Santa Fe hospital and booked in to the Sandoval County detention center on charges of aggravated driving while intoxicated, fleeing a police officer, careless driving and two other outstanding traffic warrants. A tip to the state’s DrunkBuster hot line alerted authorities to a possibly drunken driver. State Police Officer Grace Romero spotted the man’s pickup truck swerving across both lanes of a highway, driving slowly and then fast. He refused to stop. After narrowly missing other vehicles, police said the suspect drove through a ditch and a barbed-wire fence before stopping. He tried to put the truck into park, but it ended up in reverse. Police said the man fell from his open door and both of his legs were run over by the front driver’s side tire.

PHONER PHUN

Today is NATIONAL ELECTRONIC GREETINGS DAY.  This actually comes up right at the time when my wife and I are working on our annual Christmas newsletter that we’ll send out to friends and family. With the availability of the internet, is it socially acceptable to send Christmas newsletters to others via the web? I say it’s no big deal, people are going to read the Christmas letters once then throw them away anyway, but my wife says that’s not the point – it’s that email is cold and unfeeling, while printing out an individual copy for each person means you thought of them. To which my response is, “how caring is it, really, when you get 300 copies made at Kinkos?” What’s YOUR opinion?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: According to the book of Proverbs, a king gives his country stability by giving it what?

ANSWER: Justice (Proverbs 29:4 = “By justice a king gives a country stability, but those who are greedy for bribes tear it down.”)

QUESTION: What man in the Bible had hair like eagle feathers and nails like bird claws?

ANSWER: Nebuchadnezzar (Daniel 4)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: According to a recent human behavior study, the average adult becomes visibly irritated after 40 seconds of doing this. What is it?

ANSWER: Waiting for an elevator

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. Earth is the only planet in our solar system not named after a pagan God. (True)

2. It’s against the law to tie an elephant to a telephone pole or street lamp in Atlanta, GA. (False… it is against the law to do that to a giraffe, however!)

3. Niagara Falls is the tallest falls in the world. (False – The Angel Falls in Venezuela are 20 times taller!)

4. Circumorbital Hematoma is just a fancy way of saying you have a broken arm. (False – it’s a black eye)

5. The Sacramento Kings basketball team used to be the Kansas City Kings (True)

6. Tarantism is an uncontrollable urge to dance. (True)

7. A sneeze travels out of your mouth at approximately 100 miles per hour (False – 600 mph!)

8. 3% of all pictures taken are taken in either Disney World or Disneyland. (True)

9. Denver, Colorado, is the highest city in the United States. (False)

10. Ants stretch when they wake up in the morning. (True)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

TUNA _______ (BOY)

NEW JERSEY –  A rare mutation happened to Fred Alan on the way to his Thanksgiving feast.  His head turned into a Tuna!

Last week, Fred Allan, an angler who went missing three miles off the coast of New Jersey, was spotted in Jersey City on his way to a Thanksgiving feast.

Fred sat through his Thanksgiving meal with his family without them noticing that his head was had turned into a tuna. But his family has never paid much attention to Fred.   He left with his turkey leftovers.

It wasn’t until he was walking home when a little boy, Chucky Thompson, saw Fred on the street and screamed, “Your head is a tuna fish!”  Fred quickly put his hands to his head and realized that Chucky was right.  Not only was he shocked to learn he had a tuna head, but also Fred realized that his hands were missing as well.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

During basic army training, a sergeant was telling his group how a submachine gun sprayed bullets. He drew a circle on a blackboard and announced that it had 260 degrees.

“But, sergeant, all circles have 360 degrees,” remarked one of the trainees.

“Don’t be stupid,” the sergeant roared. “This is a small circle.”

JOKE #2

Maggie’s kids, aged 10 and 12 were sitting under a quilt on the couch watching television. She joined them, and complained that there was not enough quilt for her.

The 10 year old replied “That’s because the quilt is in portrait not landscape!”

And sure enough, when they turned the quilt to “landscape” they all fit!

JOKE #3

The personnel manager was impressing the applicant with the prospective job. “We make parts for microscopes. You’ll be required to work with lenses that are ten-thousandths of an inch thick.”

“I can handle it,” the applicant said, “I used to slice meat in a delicatessen.”

USELESS FACTS

According to a survey conducted by the employment agency, Manpower, Inc., companies are now saying that it’s getting a lot harder to find workers who are talented and/or qualified for specific job positions.  ***That’s because work really cuts into your sleep time, and who wants to deal with that?  (Besides… it’s easier just to stay home and sell your used junk on Ebay for a quick buck.)

If you’re trying to lower your cholesterol, a new study suggests that a rigid diet could be as effective as cholesterol-lowering pills.  However, the problem could lie in sticking to the diet since it includes such things as tofu and oatmeal.  Other not so tasty items on the list were almonds, okra and eggplant.  Those who were able to stick to the diet lowered their cholesterol by 29 percent.  ***And their enjoyment of life by 79 percent.

Cows give more milk when listening to music.  ***Ironically, even more when listening to “How Dry I Am”.

FEATURED FUNNIES

A GOOD ACTRESS

I overheard two children discussing their selection in the video store.
One boy took Disney’s CINDERELLA off the shelf, pointed to the drawing of the title character on the cover, and said,
“Oh, she’s really good. I saw her in ALICE IN WONDERLAND.”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

How much money is YOUR tooth worth?  Willing to donate your loose tooth to the Red Cross? 

A few years ago, a little girl from Sioux Falls, South Dakota, sent her tooth to the Red Cross to donate Tooth Fairy money to hurricane victims, and someone gave $500 for it.

***I’ve always wondered… what exactly does the tooth fairy do with all of the teeth she collects?

What possible reason would there be for a fairy to go into the tooth-hauling business in the first place? If you think about it, she HAS to be selling the baby teeth of children on some kind of child tooth enamel black market. After all, we don’t see “Children’s Teeth” on store shelves or under the counter at pharmacies around the world – so they have to be going somewhere else.

First you must ask yourself where does all of the money come from that the Tooth Fairy leaves for the teeth? The repulsive idea of carrying around saliva-encrusted canines, molars, and bicuspids from the mouths of millions of children around the world must somehow be lessened by the financial reward the Tooth Fairy is able to obtain from turning in the teeth to some underground organization possibly led by a tooth “godfather.”

The Molar Mafia (which I can only assume exists, as I have no definitive proof), must then have quite a list of buyers. What happens to the teeth at that point is anybody’s guess, but I do have a theory. The Molar Mafia pays a handsome price for the teeth collected – and children of the world only see a small percentage of that.

Have you noticed that the pricing of teeth changes from year to year, generation to generation, and even tooth to tooth? Think about it. Sometimes a tooth earns the child a quarter. Sometimes a half dollar. Some fortunate children may receive a dollar or more for the tooth that is placed under their pillows at night. This can only be due to market fluctuations and possibly DNA testing of the individual teeth to determine their quality and value. This probably also explains why the Tooth Fairy works in the dead of night while everyone is asleep, as it takes time to do all of the necessary tests and experiments on the tooth to determine its value so the Tooth Fairy can then properly reimburse the child for their contribution. We’ll not even go into the possibility of children having gold or silver fillings, as it is blatantly obvious why a Tooth Fairy would be interested in such a rare find.

Regardless of condition, the tooth is taken 100% of the time. What is left, due to the nature of business with supply and demand, is only a percentage of what that tooth is truly worth. My guess is the child gets, at the most, 10% of what it’s worth to the Tooth Fairy. So at twenty-five cents for the child, I’m guessing the Tooth Fairy actually turns the individual tooth over to the Molar Mafia for close to $2.50; quite a profitable business for the Tooth Fairy, considering the billions of children around the world who lose their teeth as they approach their teen years.

Of course, the Molar Mafia is not going to pay that much unless it too has buyers. And as with all underground operations, a healthy profit is to be made by the Molar Mafia… that’s a given. So somewhere out there is another organization willing to pay, perhaps, $5 per tooth or more!

Mind-blowing, isn’t it? So the question now is, who on earth would pay $5 or more for a single tooth?

Which brings us to the makers of dentures…

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

THE SYMPTOMS OF INNER PEACE

  • A tendency to think and act spontaneously, rather than on fears based on past experiences.
  • An unmistakable ability to enjoy each moment.
  • A loss of interest in judging other people.
  • A loss of interest in judging self.
  • A loss of interest in interpreting the actions of others.
  • A loss of the ability to worry.
  • Frequent, overwhelming episodes of appreciation.
  • Contented feelings of connectedness with others and nature.
  • Frequent attacks of smiling.
  • An increasing tendency to let things happen.
  • An increased susceptibility to love, and to freely receive the love extended by others, as well as the uncontrollable urge to extend it.

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

Sharing your faith is sort of like changing the toilet paper.

How strongly do you feel about sharing your faith?  Are there other, less critical mattes where your passion for persuading or convincing others is stronger?

Different “causes” inspire passion in different people.  Some people are passionate about the environment or homelessness.  Others have more trivial passions like a hatred for anchovies.  I think the most trivial passion I’ve ever experienced, though, had to do with toilet paper.

That’s right – toilet paper.  I’m not talking about a passion for toilet paper.  We’ve all experienced that when the last roll is gone and the last sheet pulls off the cardboard tube.  I’m talking about the way toilet paper is mounted on the dispenser.

I was helping prepare the program for a youth rally a few years ago and I was looking for something fun to get everybody’s attention and interest before the speaker went up to do his thing.  I had just read a magazine article reporting that, when surveyed, people were fairly evenly divided over how toilet paper should be mounted on the dispenser.  Some felt strongly that the paper should be mounted so that the tissue rolled “over the top” of the spool.  Others felt just as passionately that it be pulled the other direction – from underneath.

I found it kind of funny that people even cared about such a thing… and then I got married and found out that this is a big thing for just about everyone in the world except for me.  At this high-school rally I decided to take it a step further and I had the kids argue, one-by-one for the pros and cons of each way of rolling the toilet paper off of the roll as it is used.  We then voted (by applause) on which way was the best way.

This fun idea of mind almost incited a riot.  It was practically impossible to tell by the loud, thunderous applause which way was the better way to treat the toilet paper!

MATTHEW 8:21-22… Another man, one of his disciples, said to him, “Lord, first let me go and bury my father.”

But Jesus told him, “Follow me, and let the dead bury their own dead.”

This guy was looking for a way to follow Jesus that wouldn’t risk stirring up trouble at home.  The father he was worried about burying wasn’t even dead yet – or else the disciple wouldn’t have been out listening to Jesus (same-day burial in Jesus’ day was required – for obvious reasons)!  So, it’s likely that this guy’s father just didn’t like him hanging out with Jesus.  So following Jesus, for this guy, would require a declaration of loyalty that surpassed even family relationships and responsibilities.

So – what’s this got to do with toilet paper, right?  Well – these high school students didn’t bat an eye at speaking boldly for the toilet paper procedure they believed in.  They stood up to a hostile crowd to plead their case.  But how different would this have been if they had to get up in front of that same crowd and talk about their relationship with Jesus?

Okay… so toilet paper doesn’t exactly compare to Christ, I know.  But think about it… we spend our most private moment with that rolled up paper.  We spend years convinced that it should exit the roll in a certain way – over or under.  And nobody is going to convince you otherwise now, because we’ve proved to ourselves that our way is the best way to go.

Then again – maybe these same things should characterize our faith and give us power and conviction to share it.  So… faith is kinda like how we roll the toilet paper in our bathroom.

LEFTOVERS

FROM THE GARDEN TO THE DOGHOUSE

A woman’s pet snake escapes from its cage… and follows her to work!

It’s sometimes entertaining to hear about the love of someone’s pet. The pet loves its owner so much that it actually follows the owner to work, tail wagging all the time. But what if that pet were a snake? Jackie Mills’ pet snake escaped from its cage and went missing for five weeks! The 5-ft long black and yellow Russian rat snake slithered a mile across a field, up steps and over a bridge before reaching Jackie’s workplace. The snake was eventually spotted outside her work. He has lost some weight but is now safely back home in his cage.

LIFE… LIVE IT

TIPS FOR PARENTS OF TEXTING TEENS

A new report says that teens are averaging more than 3,000 texts per month. That’s six an hour — even in school. How can you make sure your kids are on their best texting behavior?

Billions of text messages are sent every year from your kids’ mobile phones. While most kids use messaging responsibly, it’s still a powerful and extremely private communication tool that needs to be used responsibly. Here are a few tips for parents with texting teens…

  • Carefully evaluate whether or not your kids need texting on their cell phones. Just because other kids in their class have it doesn’t mean your child needs it.

  • If your kids do text, get an unlimited texting plan. Otherwise the charges mount up swiftly.

  • Make rules around when and where. No texting during meals, during class, on family outings. Oh, and turn the phone OFF at night!

  • Establish consequences for misuse. Cheating, inappropriate messages, sexual communication. These are all no-go’s. Want to make your point? Take a kid’s phone away for a week.

  • Watch your own behavior. Parents are still kids’ playbooks for right and wrong. If you text your kid during class and then turn around and tell that child that he or she can’t do that, we send mixed messages.

  • If you suspect your kids aren’t texting appropriately, you can always look at their messages. Yes, it feels like snooping, but your first job as parents is to ensure your kids use powerful technologies safely and responsibly.

JUST FOR FUN

REAL CAT BURGLAR

We’ve all heard the term “cat burglar” – but what about a real burglar that also happens to be a cat?

A Siamese cat has been committing burglaries at neighbor’s houses recently – getting in through the pet doors. The alleged cat burglar, Timone, is being accused of stealing things such as toys, clothes, shoes, underwear and a pair of oven gloves. Timone’s owner now has a full suitcase of stuff for the neighbors to stop by and check to see if any of their stuff is in it. One of the cat’s biggest heists was stealing the shoes of a builder working next door who had to wait until Timone’s owner returned home so he could get his shoes back. The owner says that it is the nature of Siamese cats to take things that don’t belong to them.

FUN LIST

IDEAS THAT SEEMED GREAT AT THE TIME…

(KeepersOfLists.org)

Investing in Enron

Jumping on Oprah’s Couch

Parachute Pants

Being honest when your wife asks you “Does this make me look fat?”

The placement of the Ford Pinto gas tank

Hitting on your girlfriends mom

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

CHRISTMAS PARKING TICKET

The red flag on the parking meter was visible, and sure enough, Scott Seomin found a souvenir from the city of West Hollywood, Calif., on his windshield. But it wasn’t a ticket – it was a poem:

The meter was red, as time had expired.

In the rush of the season,

We knew you’d be tired.


A parking ticket would just make you blue,


And in the holiday spirit this just would not do.


So during this time of friendship and good cheer,


Season’s greetings to you and best wishes all year.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

(PERENNIAL) Thanksgiving is past but all that extra food doesn’t have to be a problem. Hunter Lewis, editor of Cooking Light magazine, concedes that Thanksgiving can throw your diet for a loop, but he argued that the spirit of Thanksgiving matters more than the food. He told ABC News: “Enjoy yourself and don’t feel guilty [about the food].” Lewis, however, warned against indulging after the holiday. He says “Don’t let one day of feasting turn into five days.”  Read more and watch the video at http://abcn.ws/2fblgDl.

Earlier this month millions of Operation Christmas Child shoe boxes were delivered to drop off sites around the world. But have you ever wondered where in the world your Operation Christmas Child shoeboxes go? Now you can watch a two minute video following the boxes from drop off sites to processing locations and then on to children in Third World countries. http://fb.me/19a6Me2mI

In the days leading up to Christmas, TBN is out with a video sightseeing tour of Bethlehem. as the city prepares for Christmas. The five minute video gives an overview of the city, known for it’s ancient history and a modern conflict, as it prepares for Christmas.  http://fb.me/9fhpi9NO9

(PERENNIAL) If you switch your focus from dieting to just living a healthy lifestyle during the holidays, you’ll actually boost your chances of maintaining your perfect weight. “Many of us will gain at least five pounds from the middle of October through New Year’s Day,” said Stefanie Barthmare, a psychotherapist with the Methodist Weight Management Center in Houston. “Because weight gain is gradual, we don’t realize the damage of our indulgences right away. But the scale tells all when the holidays are over. That’s why ‘lose weight’ is at the top of our New Year’s resolution every year.” So rather than trying to lose weight between Halloween and New Year’s Day, focus instead on not gaining weight. That is, make it your goal to maintain your weight. “If you can’t get to the gym, do whatever it takes to move your body. Walk the dog more, plan a walking coffee break at work, play in the yard with the kids after dinner or throw the football around with your brothers,” Barthmare said. “Plan an active, rather than a passive vacation this holiday season. If you normally go somewhere to sit, read and eat, plan a trip where you hike, bike or ski.”

Koles is planning on making shopping easier for people with autism by introducing ‘Quiet Hour’ at 68 supermarkets around the country from Tuesday. For one hour each week, the stores will switch off the radio, dim the lighting by 50 per cent and reduce register volume in a move to help shoppers who struggle with heightened sensory environments. The initiative saw an overwhelmingly positive response from shoppers during trials earlier in 2017.
https://au.news.yahoo.com/nsw/a/37946917/coles-supermarkets-begins-quiet-hour-for-shoppers-with-autism/

(PERENNIAL) Critics of the ever-expanding holiday season, which spans nearly two months when you include New Year’s and Kwanzaa, may be surprised to find that setting up your decorations early can be beneficial to your health. Psychology experts interviewed by the Daily Mail report that decorating for holidays can make you happier and the benefits are not exclusive to the Christmas celebration. Although over 90 percent of Americans celebrate Christmas, including a large majority of non-Christians, the same benefits you get from tinsel and trees are just as readily derived by setting up a menorah. What matters is that holiday decorating is a nostalgic act that reminds you of childhood. By channeling your inner child, you are able to reconnect with a time free from the burdens and responsibilities of adulthood. According to psychoanalyst Steve McKeown, the excitement of the holidays is extended when decorations are set up early. “In a world full of stress and anxiety people like to associate to things that make them happy and Christmas decorations evoke those strong feelings of the childhood.” Researchers have also concluded that outdoor decorations make you appear more approachable and friendly to neighbors.

SOUL-GLO

(Feel-good stories! Only posted as new stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

As a soldier in the U.S. Army, Anna Cuthbertson served in the war zones of Iraq and Afghanistan. As a San Francisco police officer, she patrols the streets of the Richmond District, busting criminals and protecting citizens. The average person might think that’s heroic enough. But in a selfless act initially meant to save one life, Cuthbertson, a mother of a 13-year-old girl, donated a kidney last week to a stranger, and in the process set off a chain reaction that made it possible for eight other people to receive lifesaving kidney transplants.
https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/good-news/sf-police-officer%e2%80%99s-kidney-donation-leads-to-lifesaving-chain-of-events/ar-BBF3VOO

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Sexual harassment and abuse allegations are very hot topics right now-and the Girls Scouts of America are weighing in. The GSA website posted a warning to parents not to force their girls to hug or kiss adults as part of the holiday tradition or as a form of saying thank you if they don’t want to. Entitled: “Reminder: She Doesn’t Owe Anyone a Hug. Not Even at the Holidays,” the piece highlights scenarios in which kids are often encouraged to show affection with adults like with the arrival of an uncle at a holiday gathering or when an aunt gives the child a gift. “Telling your child that she owes someone a hug either just because she hasn’t seen this person in a while or because they gave her a gift can set the stage for her questioning whether she “owes” another person any type of physical affection when they’ve bought her dinner or done something else seemingly nice for her later in life,” the piece reads. Developmental child psychologist for the Girl Scouts, Dr. Andrea Bastiani Archibald, explained the idea is to teach girls about consent at an early age. She says, “The notion of consent may seem very grown-up and like something that doesn’t pertain to children, but the lessons girls learn when they’re young about setting physical boundaries and expecting them to be respected last a lifetime, and can influence how she feels about herself and her body as she gets older. Plus, sadly, we know that some adults prey on children, and teaching your daughter about consent early on can help her understand her rights, know when lines are being crossed, and when to go to you for help.” (The Advocate) ***So, yeah.  Now hugging a relative to thank them for a gift or to welcome them to your home is considered sexual harassment.

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

And that concludes my post-Thanksgiving edition of (THE JOCK SHOW).  It had to be my post-Thanksgiving show, because all of the jokes were leftovers.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

NOVEMBER 22, 2017…

Coco—This is an animated film and for those not familiar with the Mexican holiday, “The Day of the Dead,” it is where the dear departed are remembered. People  visit the cemetery, have a picnic there, etc. So, familiarize yourself and explain to children. This film may not be for children under the age of 10. This is not a Halloween film, it is about another culture. The story is about a young boy, Miguel (Anthony Gonzalez) who accidentally finds himself in the Land of the Dead. His family, for generations, has not liked music, and Miguel likes to sing. The Land Of The Dead  turns out to be full of friendly skeletons, and Miguel meets past ancestors, including his great-grandmother (Alanna Ubach.) Now, how to get back to the Land of the Living? One thing about this animated film, the skeletons have eyes so they don’t look that scary, but still… Additional actors doing voices are Benjamin Bratt, Edward James Olmos and Gael Garcia Bernal. “Coco” is rated PG. Rating of 2.

Darkest Hour—Gary Oldman grabs the role of Sir Winston Churchill during WWII and runs with it.  This is the time when Germany was on the move and Churchill really stood alone with some of his views, but there was always his beautiful wife, Clementine (Kristin Scott Thomas) at his side. The film is directed by Joe Wright. “Darkest Hour” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

Molly’s Game—Jessica Chastain takes on the role of Molly Bloom, who was quite an athlete in her youth, and eventually studied law at Harvard and, moved to the West Coast and become popular in another sport—poker of the high stakes. The guys actually allowed a woman into what is usually a man’s game. Things were going smoothly, until the law stepped in. Also in the cast is David Lafontaine and David Gingrich. “Molly’s Game” is rated R. Rating of 2 for poker fans.

NOVEMBER 24, 2017…

Call Me By Your Name—Coming of age can mean maturing into womanhood or manhood. It can also mean defining one’s sexual preference as told in this film adapted from the 2007 novel by Andre Aciman. Directed by Luca Guadagnino, the story unfolds between an older man, played by Armie Hammer, and the son of his employer, Timothee Chalamet. The setting is northern Italy in the summer. “Call Me By Your Name” is rated R. No rating.

**Please note: “Death Wish” with Bruce Willis and “The Current War” with Benedict Cumberbatch are now scheduled to open in March 2018.

New Films for December 1

The Disaster Artist stars James Franco as a film maker.

Wonder Wheel is the latest Woody Allen film set in the 1950’s in Coney Island. Stars Kate Winslet.

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