Just got out of the shower and I noticed my wife is using this new St. Ive’s Oatmeal & Shea Butter Body Wash.
It was bad enough having my wife smell like April Showers, or Wildflower Blossom, or Rainbow Ponies, or whatever the heck scent her previous soap was, but now she’s going to be food scented? Are we supposed to take body wash internally now? I, of course, immediately began searching for the Egg Whites & Cantaloupe Shampoo – but it was nowhere to be found.
Is this a shower, or breakfast? If this is the way of things for the foreseeable future, I also want Maple Syrup & Bacon flavored toothpaste, with a Country Fried Steak & Gravy floss to go with it. And, let’s face it, if they did that, America would immediately cease to have any further need for anyone to go into the dental profession.
Perhaps this new Oatmeal & Shea Butter Body Wash is intended to make my woman smell delicious to me – to make her “good enough to eat”, as it were. If that’s their intent, St. Ive’s has a long way to go in understanding the male species. If you want me to passionately attack my wife upon her exit from the shower, oatmeal ain’t the way to go. Lumpy and sexy don’t go together.
Pumpkin pie, however… now that’s sexy. Make her smell like that and I’ll continually be in a spirit of “Thanksgiving” – and I won’t mind the food coma.
Or, how about Chinese? Make her smell like steamed dumplings or Crab Rangoon and I’ll most certainly be interested. Plus, it’s Chinese, so I’d be hungry for more an hour later.
So… what about bathroom items for men? Well, that, my friends, has been done – and done well. From the fine folks who gave us bacon-flavored lip balm comes BACON SHAVING CREAM! (Yes, this actually exists… just in time for the Mayan Apocalypse.) Unfortunately, they only made 2,500 jars of this pork-scented lather of the gods.
Get it while you can – and be prepared, ladies, to be very hungry once your husband sets down his razor. Aw, heck, who am I kidding? With bacon shaving cream we’ll likely never leave the bathroom.