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PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20151001
WELCOME TO THE SHOW!
This year we’re using a “The Nightmare Before Christmas” theme in our holiday decorating so we can leave up the same decorations through Halloween and Christmas without being considered rednecks.
Our station is totally on computer. And it’s time once again for me to click on the little button that says — “Click Here To Begin The Fiasco”.
This is (THE JOCK SHOW), where every day we try to prove that getting up too early can have harmful side effects.
BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY
“Teach your children to choose the right path, and when they are older, they will remain upon it.” –Proverbs 22:6
How, then, can they call on the one they have not believed in? And how can they believe in the one of whom they have not heard? And how can they hear without someone preaching to them? –Romans 10:14
This is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ. — Philippians 1:9-10
HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. — Ephesians 4:29
Thought: The goal in Christian communication is not just clarity. Neither is the goal just to be understood. The goal is not even just to be truthful. The goal is to be appropriate, encouraging, and uplifting to others based on the needs of that other person.
Prayer: Tender Shepherd, give me a heart that is pure so that my words may be pure. Give me a heart that is kind so that my words may be kind. Give me a heart that is full of joy and encouragement so that I may share these with those you bring to my path and with whom I share conversation. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.
“BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY
The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!
Zechariah 10:1 NIV = Ask the LORD for rain in the springtime; it is the LORD who makes the storm clouds. He gives showers of rain to men, and plants of the field to everyone.
TODAY IS THURSDAY – OCTOBER 01, 2015
(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 85 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.
Today is the FIRST DAY OF OCTOBER. “October” means the “eighth month.” It has been the 10th month since New Year’s Day was moved from March to January.
Today is WORLD VEGETARIAN DAY. ***MARLAR: Boooring.
PUDDING SEASON begins today. ***MARLAR: And remember, safety first; always wear your orange vest so you’re not accidentally shot by other pudding hunters.
Tonight is NATIONAL POPCORN AND TEARS APPRECIATION NIGHT. ***MARLAR: Your phones will explode on this one! Here’s the list our own listeners compiled last year (by no means a complete list) of movies – both men and women’s versions!
THE WOMEN SUGGESTED: Somewhere in Time; Terms of Endearment; Untamed Heart; An Affair to Remember; Ghost; Sleepless in Seattle; Something for Joey; It’s a Wonderful Life; You’ve Got Mail; The Patriot; Braveheart; Beaches; Steel Magnolias; Life is Beautiful; Savannah Smiles; Titanic; The Champ; Elephant Man; Saving Private Ryan; City of Angels; My Dog Skip; My Girl; The Notebook; Return to Me; Pay it Forward; Castaway; A Walk to Remember; Ice Castles; The Other Side of the Mountain; Love Story; Angels in the Outfield; Where the Red Fern Grows; Incredible Journey; Hope Floats; The Miracle of Cards; Shadowlands
THE MEN SUGGESTED: The Passion of the Christ; Brian’s Song; The Green Mile; Radio; The Rookie; Armageddon; Simon Birch; Color Purple; My Life; Schindlers List; E.T. the Extra Terrestrial; Ann of the Green Gables series; The Parent Trap; Jack Frost; Field of Dreams; John Q
TODAY IS ALSO. . .
CD Player Day
Fire Pup Day
International Day of Older Persons
Model T Day
National Book It! Day
World Vegetarian Day
COMING UP NEXT
(Note: Just because holiday is listed here it does not mean we are endorsing it.)
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 02
Guardian Angels Day
International Day of Non-Violence
National Custodial Workers Day
Phileas Fogg’s Wager Day
World Farm Animals Day
Lee’s National Denim Day
National Diversity Day
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 03
Cephalopod Awareness Day
Inter-American Water Day
World Card Making Day
SUNDAY, OCTOBER 04
Blessing of The Animals Day (Blessing of the Pets Day/World Pet Day)
Improve Your Office Day
National Shop in a Bottle Day
International Blessings of the Fishing Fleet Day
Country Inn Bed & Breakfast Day
International African Diaspora Day
World Communion Day
MONDAY, OCTOBER 05
Child Health Day
World Day of Bullying Prevention / Blue Shirt Day
World Habitat Day
TUESDAY, OCTOBER 06
Jackie Mayer Rehab Day
American Libraries Day
WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 07
Balloons Around the World Day
Emergency Nurses Day
Pet Obesity Awareness Day ***Your cat insisting it only be fed lasagna is a pretty good indicator.
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 08
Alvin C. York Day
Fall Astronomy Day
National Pierogy Day
Universal Music Day
ON THIS DAY
1760: Marie, the Countess of Coventry, known as the “original dumb blonde,” died in England. Legend holds the cause of death to be excessive lead in her cosmetics.
1903: In the first game of the first baseball World Series, the Pittsburgh Pirates beat the Boston Pilgrims 7-3. Cy Young was the first losing pitcher. But Boston won the series.
1962: Johnny Carson became host of “The Tonight Show.” His first guests were Tony Bennett, Joan Crawford, Rudy Vallee, Mel Brooks, and Groucho Marx. (
1966: As the Beatles were beginning their last tour, John Lennon apologized for saying the Beatles were more popular than Jesus Christ.
1968: The cult horror movie “Night of the Living Dead” had its world premiere in Pittsburgh.
1971: Walt Disney World opened in Orlando.
1993: The Charlotte Hornets signed Larry Johnson to the largest contract in pro-sports history up to that time: 12 years, $84-million!
1995: Romano Mussolini told an Italian magazine that his father, Dictator Benito Mussolini, was crazy about Mickey Mouse and thought “Snow White & the Seven Dwarfs” was a masterpiece.
1997: To curtail growing alcoholism, the Congress of the scorching hot Mexican state of Tabasco banned the sale of cold beer. Residents could continue to buy all the warm beer they wanted.
2001: The U.S. Supreme Court suspended former President Clinton from practicing before the high court.
2002: Police chasing a gang of car thieves in Colombia lost their suspects when they were stopped at a toll booth. The gang flew through the toll booth but workers flagged down the pursuing police car and wouldn’t let it leave until officers paid the toll. By that time, the thieves they’d chased 25 miles from Bogata were long gone.
2003: Radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh resigned as an ESPN sports commentator amid controversy over his statement that Donovan McNabb, an African-American quarterback, got credit he didn’t deserve because of his race.
2004: The California Supreme Court invalidated more than 4,000 same-sex marriage licenses issued earlier in San Francisco.
TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY
1529: The Colloquy of Marburg, which attempted to unify the followers of Martin Luther and Ulrich Zwingli, begins. It would close in failure October 4. While the Reformers agreed on 14 of the 15 articles, they remained divided over the Lutheran doctrine of the Eucharist (consubstantiation). Thus Switzerland remained Reformed and Germany stayed Lutheran—and dreams of a united European front against Roman Catholicism died.
HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS
- actor (Bug in Uncle Buck) Jay Underwood 43
- actress-model Cindy Margolis 46
- actor (“Caprico”, “Jericho”, “Vanished”, “NYPD Blue”) Esai Morales 49
- actor (Hard Rain, Vacation movies, Independence Day) Randy Quaid 61
- actress (“Flamingo Road”, The Nutty Professor, Girls Girls Girls) Stella Stevens 75
- actress (The Queen in Shrek, The Sound of Music, Enchanted, The Princess Diaries, Mary Poppins) Julie Andrews 76
- former president Jimmy Carter is 87
(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)
1913 : Charles Randolph Grean
1926 : Max Morath
1930 : Richard Harris
1932 : Albert Collins
1934 : Geoff Stephens (The New Vaudeville Band)
1935 : Julie Andrews
1939 : Scott McKenzie
1942 : Herb Fame (Peaches & Herb)
1943 : Jerry Martini (Sly and the Family Stone)
1944 : Barbara Parritt (The Toys)
1944 : Scott McKenzie
1945 : Donny Hathaway
1947 : Rob Davis (Mud)
1948 : Mariska Veres (The Shocking Blue)
1948 : Cub Koda (Brownsville Station)
1957 : Andy Walton (Kenny)
1959 : Youssou N’Dour
1968 : Kevin Griffin (Better than Ezra)
1973 : LaTocha Scott (Xscape)
1974 : Keith Duffy (Boyzone)
SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE
Can you ‘Take the Fifth’ on your income taxes?
Though gangster Al Capone was indicted for many crimes, he was finally convicted in 1931 for income tax evasion and sent to the island prison of Alcatraz. Since then, the Internal Revenue Service occasionally has seen “Fifth Amendment” returns from a few criminals, who accurately report their annual income and tax liability but refuse to reveal the source of the funds on the grounds that such a statement would violate their Fifth Amendment right against self-incrimination.
CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS
Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE! Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!
Britt Nicole was showing off her new hair cut this week. She tweeted: Visited the chop shop today! Oops my hair keeps getting shorter
Danny Gokey and his wife Leyict were enjoying a wide variety of desserts this week. He shared a video of a wide variety desserts covering the table and posted: Every diet I’ve ever implemented in my short life will be undone by this one night of eating pleasure.http://twitter.com/dannygokey/status/648660311969538048/video/1
A confession from Sara Groves: While I’ve gotten braver on a few fronts, spiders still get to me.
Selah’s Todd Smith was recently doing homework with his daughter Kate. She asked the question asked by children around the country at one time or another: “Daddy, if Adam & Eve hadn’t sinned would there still be homework?”
Earlier this month Jonny Diaz posted that he had played Presidential candidate Ben Carson in pool. Now he’s offering photographic evidence. Jonny posted as picture as he, his wife, and the couples baby daughter posed with Ben. Jonny said: Yes, I did beat him at pool. And yes, he’s as sweet as he appears on TV. http://twitter.com/jonnydiaz/status/648490230710865921/photo/1
Another Audio Adrenaline sighting. This time their song Move was featured on FOX Sports during the Oregon Football game.
Mercyme’s Mike Scheuchzer was struggling to deal with the changing seasons this week. He got some new boots for the fall and winter but added that the weather still called for shorts. So Mike choose to combine the two, with some very interesting results. Check out his photo = https://instagram.com/p/8Jt6X7lbSr/
Newsboys drummer Duncan Phillips will be taking over the twitter account of Drum Workshop Incorporated. The bands animated drummer will be fielding questions on the twitter account on October 1st and may even have a few tricks up his sleeve.
The Irish worship band Rend Collective will be performing live on Fox and Friends this Sunday morning, October 4.
WEIRD & WACKY
|Florida couple invites strangers to crash their wedding
FORT MYERS, Fla. (AP) — Inspired by the popular movie “Wedding Crashers”, a Florida couple is actually asking strangers to crash their wedding next month. Lee County sheriff’s deputy Paul Johnson and Shelly Osterhout say the more the merrier. They’re hosting the Oct. 10 wedding at an outdoor…
|Monkey has fun on the loose in Orlando suburb photo
SANFORD, Fla. (AP) — A monkey that escaped its owner’s home in an Orlando, Florida, suburb chewed on its neighbors’ mail, pulled molding off a police car and rocked back and forth on a street sign. Zeek was eventually caught when his owner returned home a short time later. Sanford police…
|Cops: Owner puts dog into idle truck, dog sends it into lake
ELLSWORTH, Maine (AP) — Police say a dog alone in a pickup had to be rescued after it caused the truck to go into a lake in Maine. Ellsworth Police say a man was walking the dog near Branch Lake on Saturday afternoon in Ellsworth. He put the dog into the truck after an encounter with another…
|New Jersey woman told to quiet down her parrots
AVALON, N.J. (AP) — A New Jersey woman must get her two parrots to quiet down after the birds gave someone something to squawk about. Elaine Scattergood was ticketed in May after someone complained that her birds, Edmund and Arthur, were too loud. HASH(0x13e9410) A judge on Monday told…
|Loose emu recognizes owner, returns home in back of a Prius photo
BOW, N.H. (AP) — An emu famous for running wild through New Hampshire for more than a week has been reunited with its owner and returned home safely to Vermont in the back of a Toyota Prius. HASH(0x13dcd40) Maria Colby, manager of the wildlife rehabilitation center, said she knew the emu was…
|Motorist sets lighter to spider at gas station, burns pump
CENTER LINE, Mich. (AP) — A man with an apparent case of arachnophobia caused a fire at a suburban Detroit gas pump by putting a lighter to what he says was a spider near his fuel door. HASH(0x140d400) The motorist can be heard on the surveillance video at the Center Line station asking: “Is…
|Marijuana bundle drops from sky, slams into family’s carport
Maya Donnelly awoke to what sounded like thunder in the early morning hours, but dismissed it as a typical monsoon storm and went back to sleep. Later that morning, she looked in the carport at her home in Nogales, near the U.S.-Mexico border, and saw pieces of wood on the ground. She found a bulky…
|Ohio man plans to jump rope Akron marathon for world record
AKRON, Ohio (AP) — An Ohio runner plans to jump rope the Akron marathon in his quest for a Guinness world record. David Livingston of Wooster has been training for several months for the attempt, which involves continually swinging the rope over the 26.2-mile course. HASH(0x13d12d0)…
|Police: Man throws fit at McDonald’s over botched order
CARLSBAD, N.M. (AP) — A McDonald’s customer in New Mexico was not loving it when employees mistakenly put pickles on his order. Police in Carlsbad say officers had to squash a public disturbance at the fast-food restaurant after the customer began harassing employees over the mistake. Workers…
|Giant pumpkin stolen from South Dakota yard in ‘brazen’ move
SPEARFISH, S.D. (AP) — Matthew Murraine wants to know who swiped his 100-pound pumpkin. Murraine has been growing a type of large pumpkin at his home in Spearfish, South Dakota, this summer. Last Friday, someone stole the largest one in a heist Murraine believes was carefully planned….
|Escaped tarantula grounds plane near Baltimore
LINTHICUM, Md. (AP) — A tarantula that escaped in the cargo hold of a passenger flight from Maryland’s BWI airport to Atlanta grounded the plane before it could take off and sent passengers onto another flight. Brian Kruse, spokesman for Delta Air Lines, tells The Baltimore Sun…
HEALTH & FITNESS
|UN: HIV patients should start treatment immediately photo
LONDON (AP) — The World Health Organization has revised its HIV guidelines to recommend that anyone who tests positive for the virus that causes AIDS should be treated immediately. That guidance fits with what is already recommended in many developed nations, including the United States. The…
|House Republicans advance bill to undo health law photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — House Republicans advanced legislation Tuesday to dismantle President Barack Obama’s health law that could actually reach the president’s desk. The House GOP has voted more than 50 times to repeal all or parts of the health law. Almost all the bills died in the Senate. But…
|Gene test finds which breast cancer patients can skip chemo photo
Many women with early-stage breast cancer can skip chemotherapy without hurting their odds of beating the disease — good news from a major study that shows the value of a gene-activity test to gauge each patient’s risk. The test accurately identified a group of women whose cancers are so…
|Nonprofits seek Supreme Court review of contraceptives case photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — Religion, birth control and President Barack Obama’s health care overhaul are about to collide at the Supreme Court yet again. Faith-affiliated charities, colleges and hospitals that oppose some or all contraception as immoral are battling the administration over rules that…
|Study: Breast cancer detection not better with computer aid
CHICAGO (AP) — Computer-assisted detection used in most U.S. mammograms adds no benefit to breast cancer screening while substantially increasing costs, a large study suggests. Some previous research said computer technology could serve almost as a second set of eyes for doctors. The…
|Facing Congress, Planned Parenthood chief rebuts videos photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — The head of Planned Parenthood defended the women’s health organization Tuesday before a Republican-run Congress bent on slashing its federal funding, telling lawmakers that accusations against her group fed by stealthily recorded videos are “offensive and categorically…
|Don’t get drunk: advice college kids may not get from docs photo
CHICAGO (AP) — Government researchers say “deplorably” few college students are warned by doctors about the danger from alcohol and drugs or encouraged to reduce drinking or substance use. Their survey suggests that most doctors ask college students and other young adults about alcohol or…
|Bill Gates and UN say malaria could be eradicated by 2040 photo
LONDON (AP) — Malaria could be wiped out by 2040, despite the lack of an effective vaccine, previous failed attempts to eradicate the disease and drug resistance problems, the United Nations and Microsoft founder Bill Gates said in a report released on Monday. Gates and Ray Chambers, the U.N….
|Dating apps fire back at billboards linking STD spread
LOS ANGELES (AP) — An AIDS health care group is defending an ad campaign in Los Angeles that links popular dating apps with the spread of sexual transmitted diseases. The AIDS Healthcare Foundation targets Tinder, a location-based dating app and Grindr, a similar site for gay men, in…
|Amid VW scandal, polluted Paris asks if time to dump diesel photo
PARIS (AP) — Guidebooks rarely mention it, but Paris is one of the most polluted cities in the rich world. The Eiffel Tower is periodically shrouded in smog, and there’s one key culprit: France’s disproportionately heavy reliance on diesel fuel. Critics are increasingly questioning the need…
|US aims to cut HIV infections in young women in Africa photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — The Obama administration is announcing a $300 million program to drastically reduce HIV infections in girls and young woman in 10 sub-Saharan African nations hard hit by the virus. Administration officials are aiming for a 25 percent infection reduction in females between…
(None on the weekends)
NEW NEWS KICKERS…
The smoking rate for American adults has continued to fall. According to a new report, the national smoking rate stands at 17% this year, a drop from the 18% reported in 2013. Other demographic trends were released in the report. Multiracial people had the highest smoking rates, at 26.8%, with those of Native American ancestry close behind at 26.1% More than 29% of smokers were below the poverty line. ***Here’s an idea – stop spending money on cigarettes and maybe you won’t be so poor. http://ti.me/1FgLpTn
A new study indicates that while students are getting more food on their trays, food waste has increased 56%. ***So beginning immediately, Michelle Obama is claiming that garbage cans count as students.
According to a study, nearly $100 billion per year goes to treat health problems of people who are overweight. ***So if you’re in college, go to medical school – the way America is going, you’ll have a job caring for fatties until you die of old age! (Now where are the donuts?)
According to the World Alzheimer Report, more than 35 million people around the world are living with Alzheimer’s disease or other types of dementia, and that number is expected only to grow as the population grows older. ***On the plus side, everywhere you go it’s a brand new experience.
German automaker Volkswagen has lost $18-billion in value since news broke of VW’s auto-emission scandal. *** It’s worst emissions scandal in history, second only to my Uncle Karl after Thanksgiving dinner.
NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…
A new study says Millennial’s are more into reading books than older generations but the study also finds that they feel they are too cool for libraries. 88 percent of Americans younger than 30 said they read a book in the past year compared with 79 percent of those older than 30. However, the same group also said that libraries weren’t “essential in their communities,” and this attitude is contributing to the trend of Americans actually purchasing more books than are borrowed. ***MARLAR: Well, duh. Welcome to the 21st Century – where we don’t feel it’s necessary to “borrow” an eBook from the library to read on a Kindle.
The food in famous paintings of the Last Supper has grown by biblical proportions over the last millennium. Using a computer, researchers compared the size of the food to the size of the heads in 52 paintings of Jesus Christ and his disciples at their final meal before his death. If art imitates life, we’re in trouble, the researchers conclude. The size of the main dish grew 69 percent; the size of the plate, 66 percent, and the bread, 23 percent, between the years 1000 and 2000. ***MARLAR: And now by federal law all paintings of the Last Supper have to include the foods’ calorie counts.
National Geographic Channel and Kelton Research found that most expect some sort of catastrophe will hit the US during the next 25 years. NGC revealed these results: “Earthquakes (64%), hurricanes (63%) and terrorism (55%) are the most feared, followed by financial collapse (51%), significant blackout (37%), a pandemic (29%) and nuclear fallout (14%).” Looking ahead 20 years, 62% believe a major catastrophe will hit the world on a global basis, and most – 71% — think it will be in the act of God, rather than man-made category. ***MARLAR: Plus 92% of those polled were concerned there might be an attempt at resurrecting Pauley Shore’s career.
Nearly half of adults in a 60 Minutes/Vanity Fair poll wished they would have made more of an effort in college. 40% wish they would have done more networking. 45% of parents said that if their child was offered a dream job while in college, they’d advise finishing school first. ***MARLAR: Don’t you just love news polls that make absolutely no impact whatsoever on the world? Sure, these people wish they’d paid more attention in college, but until someone builds a functional time machine to allow them to go back to college and start over, what’s the point of this poll? It’s like saying, “Yes-or-no… do you wish Superman was real?” It doesn’t matter how you answer… it changes nothing.
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Zero In Roman Numerals”
DAILY COMEDY CLIP
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Mark Lowry, “Open Heart Surgery”
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THURSDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you another inspiringly inspiring inspirational story in the never-ending deep-jungle soap-opera saga that is As the Jungle Turns!
CLOSE: Wow, hard to believe this entire time we’ve never had a lion – the king of the jungle – in As the Jungle Turns! Tune in next time to find out what happens!
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF OCTOBER 03/04, 2015
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, Gruffy Bear insisted on looking at picnic spot after picnic spot after picnic spot in order to find the perfect place to have an ultimate picnic. Unfortunately, he wasn’t listening to anybody else’s opinions, and everyone else is tired, hungry, and they’ve had enough…
CLOSE: All of this over finding a nice place for a picnic? Find out what happens next time, As the Jungle Turns!
***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of As the Jungle Turns in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us.
MOMENT OF DUH
23-year-old Joe Quinone of Colorado Springs, Colorado, has been walking around for 2 1/2 months without the right side of his skull!
It was removed during emergency surgery and cannot be put back on until (get this) the two state agencies arguing over which should pay for the procedure work it out. That’s right… we have two agencies arguing over money while poor Joe is walking around with half of his head GONE! Could this not be something to argue about AFTER the guy’s head is put back together?!?! In the meantime he’s been walking around wearing a helmet, unable to drive and unable to work. And, apparently this isn’t an uncommon problem… because 22-year-old Briana Lane of Utah had to wait 4 months for half of her skull to be put back on. The reason… the same: benefits providers argued over who should pay to have it done. She said she’d wake up in the morning and find that her brain had shifted to the other side of her head. Sounds to me like the benefits providers are missing half of their skulls as well.
TOP TEN NON-LETHAL WEAPONS REJECTED BY THE MILITARY
- Servo-Activated Tactical Banana Cream Pie
- Platoons of mice duct-taped with tiny speakers blaring Roseanne’s rendition of “The Star-Spangled Banner”
- Extra-itchy tags to plant in enemy underpants
- A battalion of guys who go on and on about the dream they had last night
- Nasal Attainment/Detention Device — For deployment in large scale “got your nose” assaults
- Loud recitation of a list of funny hurricane names, translated into the appropriate language
- Nerf bayonets
- Very, very slow bullets
- The Greenpeace Petition Launcher
- Bright white flags, waved briskly to blind the opposing force
THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER
Today’s files of Law & Disorder could be a great story for Classmates.com!
FILE #1: In Michigan, officers heard a knock at the police station’s back door. A man and a woman said they were on a scavenger hunt with another woman who had gone to a nearby store to buy a doughnut. Part of the scavenger hunt was to get a picture of a cop eating a doughnut. They wanted to know if one of the officers would be willing to get their picture taken. The officers planned to play along, and they chatted with the man and woman while waiting for the doughnut run. The man, Louis Jasick, recognized one of the police officers, a high school classmate. The officer then remembered seeing Jasick’s name on a flier that had been posted in the station only a day earlier. Jasick was wanted on two felony warrants for failing to pay child support. Jasick was listed as a flight risk, so the officers invited him inside and arrested him.
FILE #2: In San Francisco, furniture mover Steven Maul, 24, has been ordered to stand trial on felony charges of animal cruelty after allegedly biting his dog as part of a “primal” training regime. Maul is accused of forcing his Labrador puppy “Boo” to the ground on two separate occasions and biting him on the neck to discipline him. He could be sentenced to three years. ***MARLAR: With a muzzle and a cone around his neck.
FILE #3: Paul Stansel was severely fined for failing to show up in court by Judge Paul Stansel! That’s right, Stansel fined himself! The Alabama judge fined himself half a month’s salary after finding himself in contempt of court. He said he forgot it was his day in court because he was at home looking after his sick pony, Bubba. Stansel said, “I screwed up and missed court. I don’t think judges are above the law. I gave myself twice the fine I would normally give somebody for missing court.”
STRANGE LAWS: In Richmond, Virginia it is illegal to flip a coin in any eating establishment to determine who buys a cup of coffee.
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS
Is it possible to be too drunk to be drunk?
A man in Moss, Norway, who admitted to drunk driving was acquitted because he was drunk when he signed the confession, six hours after his arrest. He retracted the confession after he sobered up. His lawyer argued that since drunken people can’t sign confessions, the confession had to be thrown out, and he was acquitted because there was no other evidence against him. ***MARLAR: So, in other words, the guy was too drunk to be convicted of drunk driving!
What kind of crazy things have your kids done to try and convince you they were too sick to go to school – when they actually weren’t?
BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!
QUESTION: What was every seventh year in Israel’s economy called?
ANSWER: Sabbath year (Leviticus 25:4)
QUESTION: Pinocchio had two pets. What were they and what were their names?
ANSWER: A cat named Figaro and a goldfish named Cleo
TRUE OR FALSE
Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!
- In 1980, the only country in the world with no telephones was Iraq. (False – it was Bhutan)
- Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable. (True)
- In Alaska, it is illegal to stare at a moose from an SUV. (False – but it is illegal to stare at a moose from a flying vehicle!)
- Kitsap County, Washington, was originally called Slaughter County. (True – and the first hotel there was called The Slaughter House. Honest.)
- Two-thirds of the world’s eggplant is grown in the state of New York. (Close, but False. It’s New Jersey.)
- Per-capita, the Canada eats the most turkey based products in the world. (False, it’s Israel.)
- Nobody know how New York got the name “the Big Apple.” (False – we know. New York City’s nickname the “Big Apple” is named after an early swing-dance that originated in a South Carolina club (which used to be a church) called “The Big Apple.”)
- New York City has the most skyscrapers of any city in the world. (True. NY has 140 skyscrapers. Chicago is a distant second at 68. The term “skyscraper” technically describes all habitable buildings with a height of more than 500 feet.)
- The Great Lakes contain six trillion gallons of fresh water. (False – it’s even more than that: six quadrillion gallons of fresh water! That’s one-fifth of the world’s fresh surface water. The Great Lakes have a combined area of 94,230 square miles which makes them larger than the states of New York, New Jersey, Connecticut, Rhode Island, Massachusetts, and Vermont combined.)
- A queen termite can live up to 50 years. (True! The 17-year locusts may be the most well-known long-living species. But, overall, most insects live less than a year.)
TABLOID MATCH GAME
You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!
“Your Popularity Is Determined By ______, Not Personality!” (GENES)
That’s according to new research from the University of California San Diego and Harvard Medical School. Without going into the details, the researchers basically concluded that the way humans evolve into certain social positions, and who one’s friends are and how popular one is has more to do with heredity than choice.
THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY
A woman went to a computer dating service and said she didn’t care about looks, income or background. All she wanted was a man of upright character.
Then a man came in and told them the only thing he was seeking in a woman was intelligence.
The service matched them together at once because they had one thing in common – they were both compulsive liars.
My wife was complaining that I spend too much time on the computer, and not enough time with her. I decided to fix that by having a ‘movie night’ with her. We watched ‘Hackers’, ‘The Net’, ‘Anti-Trust’, ‘You’ve Got Mail’ and ‘The Matrix’. She’s still mad at me. What did I do?
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse, named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, “Pull, Nellie, pull!” Buddy didn’t move.
Then the farmer hollered, “Pull, Buster, pull!” Buddy didn’t respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, “Pull, Coco, pull!” Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, “Pull, Buddy, pull!” And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, “Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn’t even try.”
You can’t kill yourself by holding your breath. ***MARLAR: but you can kill someone by blowing your breath towards them if you haven’t brushed your teeth yet.
A study by the University of Nebraska says that telemarketers are more likely to permanently lose their voices than workers in other professions. ***MARLAR: There you go folks… proof that God is Loving and Just.
12/12/12 was the last repetitive date you saw in your lifetime. ***MARLAR: Well, unless you have a Flux Capacitor.
A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, “How many women can a man marry?”
“Sixteen,” the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. “How do you know that?”
“Easy,” the little boy said. “All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer.”
IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!
Fix your teeth… THEN you can marry my daughter! How’s that for a future father-in-law!
In Isle of Wight, England, 32-year-old Gordon Taylor had his heart set on marrying 26-year-old Sarah Lewis. Only problem was Sarah was the daughter of a dentist and Gordon — well he didn’t exactly have the oral hygiene a dentist dreams about. So her father, Dr. Phillip Lewis, said he couldn’t marry his daughter until he had his teeth fixed. Sarah’s mother Joy added, “Gordon is a lovely chap but he had awful teeth, really awful teeth.” So now Gordon has agreed to have all the necessary fillings, caps and surgery needed for the perfect smile. Sarah said, “I will always love him regardless but I know the finished look will certainly please him as well as our family and friends.” (Ananova)
In order to better understand the sacrifice Christ gave for us, the price He had to pay, read this.
Roman crucifixions were not anything short of the worst possible death. They usually began with the complete stripping of the clothes that the condemned was wearing. The soldiers would proceed to mercilessly beat him numerous times. After the flogging, a whip with thorns attached to it would be wound around the chest, back, and stomach of the accused and pulled off, resulting in the peeling off of almost all the skin. As if this was not enough, if the prisoner had a beard, it would be shaved off…along with the skin. We know that Jesus had a beard because this part was mentioned in the Bible. Then they would take heavy wooden poles and beat him in the face many, many times…it’s a wonder that none of Christ’s bones were broken. But, of course, it was to fulfill Biblical prophecy. Many or all of the bones were broken in the faces of most. Then came the humiliating walk down the road carrying your cross…not to mention the extreme suffering that any and all would now be in. Could you imagine the pain of having nails put through your hands and feet? I don’t think you can. And then came the many hours hanging on a cold hard board. The organs of one would sag weighing down on your stomach, ribs protruding like crazy. The pain would be so immense. An experiment was recently done in which 10 men were tied up with ropes onto wooden crosses in the same way that Jesus would have been nailed. The pain was so great that most of the men were crying out to be let down after only a minute and a half or less…the pain was so great you could see it in their eyes as they wept on their knees panting because of it. Not one of them lasted for more than three minutes. Jesus hung for at least six hours.
DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL
(Modified from Campus Journal)
You did not come . . . So I felt compelled to offer the burnt offering. –1 Samuel 13:11-12
Don’t mess with nature. That’s a conclusion biologists in South Florida have come to.
Early this century, in an effort to control pests who were running rampant in sugar cane fields, somebody introduced humongous South American toads in Florida. The idea of pest-scarfing creatures may have made sense at first, but it hasn’t worked out.
These huge toads, called Bufo marinus (marine toads) can grow to 7 inches or more and weigh over 3 pounds. And, to the surprise of no one, they know how to reproduce.
But the sheer numbers alone is not the only problem. These critters are known dog-killers. Any animal foolish enough to ingest one of those toads also gets a mouthful of poisonous white gunk from the toad’s puffed-out glands that extend from behind each eye and down the back.
Our efforts to try to “fix” problems in our lives or the lives of others may backfire just as badly–especially if we are trying to play God.
Remember what happened to King Saul when he took matters into his own hands? Instead of waiting for the prophet Samuel, Saul panicked and offered sacrifices that he must have thought would magically get him and his soldiers out of deep trouble.
But his ill-advised attempt to solve one problem only led to a much bigger and irreversible one.
How do we handle those tough situations when we feel trapped, and we feel compelled to take actions that we know violate biblical principles? Maybe we need to pass a test to keep a scholarship. Maybe it’s a research paper we don’t have time to do. Or maybe it’s a dating relationship we want to end. We may, in panic, feel that the only way out is to cheat, buy a ready-made paper, or lie.
The best solution, as not only Saul but also every other character in the Bible would now tell us, is to do what is right and trust God. In the long run, it’s the only way to get out of a tight spot.
Now anyone can buy original art… just look for the vending machine at a museum near you!
There are some new vending machines to keep an eye out for. They don’t dispense salty peanuts, sweet chocolate, or fizzy soda. Nope… they dispense stuff that is pleasing to the eye. These vending machines are dispensing mini works of art… and they are selling out in the US. Almost 200 artists from seven countries have taken part in the project. The vending machines are found in galleries, museums, cafes and bookshops. Actually, they are old cigarette machines but now they dispense art-work instead. ***MARLAR: Hey, look honey… a miniature Monet! Get out your purse, I need $2-million in quarters…
LIFE… LIVE IT
Textting duz NAWT leede two baad speling!
Good news parents– University of Alberta Psychology professor Connie Varnhagen has determined that texting does not make your kids bad spellers! The proof is a comparison made of text messages among 40 Canadian students aged 12 to 17 and a spelling test. The study showed that good spellers maintained their spelling ability, even if they text words on their mobile phones in an abbreviated manner. Ironically, those who were poor spellers to begin with also made spelling errors in their texts. One example was the acronym ROTFL which in text speak means “rolling on the floor laughing.” Poor spellers would misspell it in various ways like “RATLF.” (AHN News)
JUST FOR FUN
If you send a gift to someone in Germany, you may not want to label it as such… they might have you arrested!
Police in Chemnitz, Germany, scrambled into action after a man reported receiving a package from the United States marked “gift”. The problem? Well, in German… gift doesn’t mean “free package given out of love or friendship”. No; to Germans, “gift” is the word for poison. So because someone here in the states decided to send someone a gift oversees, experts in chemical and biological hazards were called in to check it out. The alert was called off when it dawned on one officer that the word on the package was English, and it was opened to reveal only a poster. ***MARLAR: And just imagine the confusion when they discovered the poster was of the 80’s rock band “Poison!”
True webheads use “signatures” — zippy little one-line sayings that are automatically attached to the bottom of email messages. Here are several examples.
- Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
- Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
- There’s too much blood in my caffeine system.
- Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
- Double your drive space – delete Windows!
- What is a “free” gift ? Aren’t all gifts free?
- Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
- I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.
- Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
- When there’s a will, I want to be in it.
- Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
- Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?
- How do I set my laser printer on stun?
- ‘…. now touch these wires to your tongue!’
- According to my calculations the problem doesn’t exist.
- If at first you don’t succeed, call it version 1.0
- Maintenance-free: When it breaks, it can’t be fixed…
- Nostalgia: The good old days multiplied by a bad memory…
- Asking if computers can think is like asking if submarines can swim.
- AAAAAA – American Association Against Acronym Abuse Anonymous
- “Daddy, what does FORMATTING DRIVE C mean?”
MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…
SAVE ENERGY – SWING YOUR ARMS
I don’t know why we need to know this, but swinging your arms while walking saves energy and it’s good for your legs. …That’s the result of a study to find out why humans naturally swing their arms instead of holding them still when walking. Scientists at the University of Michigan found that keeping the arms still at the side spends 12 percent more energy than swinging them while striding. The natural swing motion also gives a slight bounce to the body which softens the impact walking has on the legs. Researchers also had test subjects walk with a swing where the same side arm moves in unison with the leg. That turned out to be more taxing than the normal arm swing where the opposite arm moves in the same direction as the opposite leg. The study concluded that man developed arm swinging while walking because it makes walking easier while actually saving energy.
OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP
3 Ways Healthy Couples Fight from Focus on the Family
- Listen: When healthy couples disagree, they listen respectfully to one another.
- Stay Calm: No matter how passionate they feel about their disagreement, healthy couples avoid yelling and calling each other names.
- Never Threaten Divorce.
A recent honor flight has made history. The 140 veterans on the flight to Washington DC were all women, the first all-female flight in history. The women ranged in age from 28 to 96. The Honor Flight trip included 70 women who served in World War II and the Korean and Vietnam Wars both overseas and stateside. http://abcn.ws/1VaJcjA
A Georgia couple’s romantic love story is one for the books. According to ABC News, Jimmy and JoJo McLaughlin of Savannah, Georgia, shocked friends and family when they passed away this month within hours of each other, the day after their 60th wedding anniversary. Relatives of the couple say they believe Jimmy McLaughlin couldn’t bear to live without his wife, so he went to heaven to be with her again after she died. The high school sweethearts married Sept. 10, 1955, when they were both 18 years old.
AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT
It is never too late to be what you might have been.
THE WAY WE WORK
(Updated as it comes available. The Way WE Work is written by Mark Elfstrand from 1160Hope.com in Chicago.)
Today is September 21st. Peace Day. More on that in a moment. But to answer the famous question, “Can’t we all just get along?” The answer is no.
Take this recent story headline from Associated Press: “Burger King to McDonalds: Let’s make a McWhopper.” Full page ads in various newspapers carried the message. A one day truce it was called. For the betterment of mankind, of course.
Burger King was attempting to get a cooperative effort with the “Golden Arches” folk to build a unique combination of a Whopper and a Big Mac. But only for a day. Peace Day.
As the AP story goes, “Burger King is tying the publicity stunt to a nonprofit called Peace One Day, which says it promotes Peace Day. The United Nations created the International Day of Peace in 1981 to coincide with its annual opening session in September. It then designated September 21 as the annual ‘day of non-violence and cease-fire’ in 2001.”
Call it a noble act. Call it promotional gimmickry. Ronald McDonald is not interested in such peace efforts. Ronald may smile at the kids, but not at the competition. Their CEO Steve Easterbrook in responding with a “no way” message, belittled the effort of burger war peace compared to “the real pain and suffering of war.” He then added, “P.S., simple phone call will do next time.” Put that in your Whopper and chew on it for a while. C’mon, man!
Well, I’m in a different kind of battle with the fast food giants. One that pleads for simple, friendly customer service and the basics in operating a restaurant. Allow me to share several examples.
At the McDonald’s I frequently stop at on my way home when my wife is out, most employees give me no welcome greeting. When I pick up my food, no “thank you.” At the Wendy’s near my office, the ketchup containers have been empty twice during the lunch hours I visited. And they were out of napkins. Hello…it’s lunch time. At Culver’s drive through, my last three meals came with no napkins. And the latest: on Friday night, my wife had a hankering for KFC grilled chicken. It was during the dinner hours but none was available. They were cooking it. Instead of serving it.
One of my favorites on this list happened a week or so ago taking our granddaughter to IKEA. They served up chicken fingers which yearned for barbecue sauce. Except…there wasn’t any. Inquiring at the counter I was told they’ve been out for a few days. My problem solving went into gear and I suggested that since a Meijer grocery story was two blocks away, maybe they could simply go and buy some until their shipment arrived so as not to disappoint customers. The young woman thought that was a good idea.
Aside from the expected reaction that “Mark, fast food isn’t very good for you anyway” I wish to affirm two companies who seem to get it right the majority of the time. One is Chick Fil A. Their folks go out of their way to make sure I have what I need. And the tireless service motto that they own is, “My pleasure.”
The second high energy, high service minded company is In-N-Out Burger. Mainly located in California, they are a fan favorite and outperform their competitors in serving up burgers and fries. They also are the ones who imprint Bible verse references on their cups and fry containers.
And so it begs the question…how can these two companies do it right so consistently? I believe it is based on a passion for the customer. Yes, you have to have food that people enjoy. All of the fast food companies lay claim to that. But not all can lay claim to placing such emphasis on customer care.
For the record, my father managed several different Perkins restaurants during my growing up years. I worked in all but one. At peak times, customer care can be a real challenge. If it’s your mission, however, you finesse it as needed.
I believe most people want to be treated well. They enjoy being respected when spending their hard earned money for a meal. They respond to people who care.
Jesus of Nazareth advised us this way, “In everything, therefore, treat people the same way you want them to treat you, for this is the Law and the Prophets.” (Luke 7:12 NASB)
Do this, Ronald McDonald, and everyone will enjoy a happy meal.
P.S.: My apologies to any franchise owners or managers who want their employees to serve better.
That’s The Way WE Work.
THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER
Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).
SEPTEMBER 30, 2015…
The Walk—Be prepared for vertigo as Joseph Gordon-Levitt portrays tightrope walker, Philippe Petit, who in 1974 walked a tightrope between the Twin Trade Towers in New York City. This was not OK’d by anyone, he just did it. Nerves of steel doesn’t begin to say it all. Also in the cast are Ben Kingsley and Charlotte Le Bon. “The Walk” is rated PG 13. Rating of 3.
OCTOBER 02, 2015…
Freeheld (opening in select cities) Julianne Moore and Ellen Page is about a romance between a woman and a younger woman and what happens when one is ill.
Legend has Emily Browning and Tom Hardy married, though he is a criminal.
The Martian stars Matt Damon as a man thought dead and left behind on Mars. Except he is alive.
*Sicario starring Emily Blunt is now opening Oct. 2
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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.