October 01, 2016: Saturday ONAIRprep

***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS – FREE TO AIR! (Need to receive this earlier than when it’s posted? Get FTP access and receive a fully-produced version FREE with a customized tag specifically for your station or show! Contact me with your ONAIRprep username for details!)

AND NOW… ON WITH THE SHOW!

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20161001

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

This year we’re using a “The Nightmare Before Christmas” theme in our holiday decorating so we can leave up the same decorations through Halloween and Christmas without being considered rednecks.

Our station is totally on computer. And it’s time once again for me to click on the little button that says — “Click Here To Begin The Fiasco”.

This is (THE JOCK SHOW), where every day we try to prove that getting up too early can have harmful side effects.

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“Teach your children to choose the right path, and when they are older, they will remain upon it.”  –Proverbs 22:6

How, then, can they call on the one they have not believed in? And how can they believe in the one of whom they have not heard? And how can they hear without someone preaching to them? –Romans 10:14

This is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ. — Philippians 1:9-10

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. — Ephesians 4:29

Thought: The goal in Christian communication is not just clarity. Neither is the goal just to be understood. The goal is not even just to be truthful. The goal is to be appropriate, encouraging, and uplifting to others based on the needs of that other person.

Prayer: Tender Shepherd, give me a heart that is pure so that my words may be pure. Give me a heart that is kind so that my words may be kind. Give me a heart that is full of joy and encouragement so that I may share these with those you bring to my path and with whom I share conversation. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

Zechariah 10:1 NIV = Ask the LORD for rain in the springtime; it is the LORD who makes the storm clouds. He gives showers of rain to men, and plants of the field to everyone.

TODAY IS SATURDAY – OCTOBER 01, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
84 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is the FIRST DAY OF OCTOBER.  “October” means the “eighth month.” It has been the 10th month since New Year’s Day was moved from March to January.

Today is WORLD VEGETARIAN DAY.  ***Boooring.

PUDDING SEASON begins today.  ***And remember, safety first; always wear your orange vest so you’re not accidentally shot by other pudding hunters.

Tonight is NATIONAL POPCORN AND TEARS APPRECIATION NIGHT.  ***Your phones will explode on this one!  Here’s the list our own listeners compiled last year (by no means a complete list) of movies – both men and women’s versions!

THE WOMEN SUGGESTED: Somewhere in Time; Terms of Endearment; Untamed Heart; An Affair to Remember; Ghost; Sleepless in Seattle; Something for Joey; It’s a Wonderful Life; You’ve Got Mail; The Patriot; Braveheart; Beaches; Steel Magnolias; Life is Beautiful; Savannah Smiles; Titanic; The Champ; Elephant Man; Saving Private Ryan; City of Angels; My Dog Skip; My Girl; The Notebook; Return to Me; Pay it Forward; Castaway; A Walk to Remember; Ice Castles; The Other Side of the Mountain; Love Story; Angels in the Outfield; Where the Red Fern Grows; Incredible Journey; Hope Floats; The Miracle of Cards; Shadowlands

THE MEN SUGGESTED: The Passion of the Christ; Brian’s Song; The Green Mile; Radio; The Rookie; Armageddon; Simon Birch; Color Purple; My Life; Schindlers List; E.T. the Extra Terrestrial; Ann of the Green Gables series; The Parent Trap; Jack Frost; Field of Dreams; John Q

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

CD Player Day

Cephalopod Awareness Day

Fire Pup Day

Frugal Fun Day

International Day of Older Persons

Inter-American Water Day

International Music Day

Model T Day

National Book It! Day

National Lace Day

National Walk your Dog Day

Vegan Baking Day

World Card Making Day

World Vegetarian Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below.)

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 02

Change a Light Day

Country Inn Bed & Breakfast Day

Guardian Angels Day

Intergeneration Day

International African Diaspora Day

International Blessings of the Fishing Fleet Day

International Day of Non-Violence

Islamic New Year

National Custodial Workers Day

Phileas Fogg’s Wager Day

Rosh Hashanah

World Communion Day

World Farm Animals Day

MONDAY, OCTOBER 03

Child Health Day

Day of Unity

Techie’s Day

World Day of Architecture

World Day of Bullying Prevention (Blue Shirt Day)

World Habitat Day

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 04

Blessing of the Animals Day (Blessing of the Pets Day / World Pet Day)

Improve Your Office Day

Kanelbullens Day (Cinnamon Roll Day)

National Taco Day

National Ship In a Bottle Day

Ten-Four Day

Vodka Day

World Animal Day

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 05

Balloons Around The World Day

International Day of No Prostitution

National Kale Day

Pet Obesity Awareness Day

Walk to School Day

World Teachers Day

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 06

American Libraries Day

Ecological Debt Day

Jackie Mayer Rehab Day

Mad Hatter Day

National German-American Day

National Depression Screening Day

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 07

Lee’s National Denim Day

National Diversity Day

National Personal Safety Day

World Smile Day

You Matter To Me Day

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 08

Alvin C. York Day

Fall Astronomy Day

National Motorcycle Ride Day

National Pierogy Day

Universal Music Day

World Octopus Day

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 09

Clergy Appreciation Day

Leif Erikson Day

National Chess Day

National Pro-Life Cupcake Day

Nautilus Day (Cephalopods)

World Post Day

MONDAY, OCTOBER 10

Columbus Day

International Day for Natural Disaster Reduction

International Newspaper Carrier Day

International Stage Management Day

National Handbag Day

National Kick Butt Day

Native American Day

Naval Academy Day

Squid & Cuttlefish Day

ON THIS DAY

1760: Marie, the Countess of Coventry, known as the “original dumb blonde,” died in England. Legend holds the cause of death to be excessive lead in her cosmetics.

1903: In the first game of the first baseball World Series, the Pittsburgh Pirates beat the Boston Pilgrims 7-3. Cy Young was the first losing pitcher. But Boston won the series.

1962: Johnny Carson became host of “The Tonight Show.” His first guests were Tony Bennett, Joan Crawford, Rudy Vallee, Mel Brooks, and Groucho Marx. (audio clip)

1966: As the Beatles were beginning their last tour, John Lennon apologized for saying the Beatles were more popular than Jesus Christ.

1968: The cult horror movie “Night of the Living Dead” had its world premiere in Pittsburgh.

1971: Walt Disney World opened in Orlando.

1993: The Charlotte Hornets signed Larry Johnson to the largest contract in pro-sports history up to that time: 12 years, $84-million!

1995: Romano Mussolini told an Italian magazine that his father, Dictator Benito Mussolini, was crazy about Mickey Mouse and thought “Snow White & the Seven Dwarfs” was a masterpiece.

1997: To curtail growing alcoholism, the Congress of the scorching hot Mexican state of Tabasco banned the sale of cold beer. Residents could continue to buy all the warm beer they wanted.

2001: The U.S. Supreme Court suspended former President Clinton from practicing before the high court.

2002: Police chasing a gang of car thieves in Colombia lost their suspects when they were stopped at a toll booth. The gang flew through the toll booth but workers flagged down the pursuing police car and wouldn’t let it leave until officers paid the toll. By that time, the thieves they’d chased 25 miles from Bogata were long gone.

2003: Radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh resigned as an ESPN sports commentator amid controversy over his statement that Donovan McNabb, an African-American quarterback, got credit he didn’t deserve because of his race.

2004: The California Supreme Court invalidated more than 4,000 same-sex marriage licenses issued earlier in San Francisco.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1529: The Colloquy of Marburg, which attempted to unify the followers of Martin Luther and Ulrich Zwingli, begins. It would close in failure October 4. While the Reformers agreed on 14 of the 15 articles, they remained divided over the Lutheran doctrine of the Eucharist (consubstantiation). Thus Switzerland remained Reformed and Germany stayed Lutheran—and dreams of a united European front against Roman Catholicism died.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actor (Bug in Uncle Buck) Jay Underwood 44

  • actress-model Cindy Margolis 47

  • actor (“Caprico”, “Jericho”, “Vanished”, “NYPD Blue”) Esai Morales 50

  • actor (Hard Rain, Vacation movies, Independence Day) Randy Quaid 62

  • actress (“Flamingo Road”, The Nutty Professor, Girls Girls Girls) Stella Stevens 76

  • actress (The Queen in Shrek, The Sound of Music, Enchanted, The Princess Diaries, Mary Poppins) Julie Andrews 77

  • former president Jimmy Carter is 88

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1913 : Charles Randolph Grean

1926 : Max Morath

1930 : Richard Harris

1932 : Albert Collins

1934 : Geoff Stephens (The New Vaudeville Band)

1935 : Julie Andrews

1939 : Scott McKenzie

1942 : Herb Fame (Peaches & Herb)

1943 : Jerry Martini (Sly and the Family Stone)

1944 : Barbara Parritt (The Toys)

1944 : Scott McKenzie

1945 : Donny Hathaway

1947 : Rob Davis (Mud)

1948 : Mariska Veres (The Shocking Blue)

1948 : Cub Koda (Brownsville Station)

1957 : Andy Walton (Kenny)

1959 : Youssou N’Dour

1968 : Kevin Griffin (Better than Ezra)

1973 : LaTocha Scott (Xscape)

1974 : Keith Duffy (Boyzone)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Can you ‘Take the Fifth’ on your income taxes?

Though gangster Al Capone was indicted for many crimes, he was finally convicted in 1931 for income tax evasion and sent to the island prison of Alcatraz. Since then, the Internal Revenue Service occasionally has seen “Fifth Amendment” returns from a few criminals, who accurately report their annual income and tax liability but refuse to reveal the source of the funds on the grounds that such a statement would violate their Fifth Amendment right against self-incrimination.

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving three days a week from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

Jordan Feliz is on vocal rest. Late last week he reported: I blew my voice out and have been feeling REALLY tense throughout my neck and throat. Sooooo, I have been on vocal rest. The assumption as of right now is that I have something called a “Vocal Hemorrhage”. At last report Jordan said he is not quite to complete healing but is feeling better. He added: Thanks for all the prayers.

Matthew West will debut his second full-length studio holiday album in October. The project is titled Unto Us: A Christmas Collection. It features ten songs, including five brand new songs and five of Matthews best known Christmas favorites. Matthew says: “Christmas is my favorite time of year, hands down!” “I’ve been known to break out a Christmas record in July, so no one had to twist my arm to make another Christmas project. I love the classics and wanted to include some of them on this project. ‘Silent Night’ and ‘The First Noel’ on this record are two that I’m especially excited about.”

The Afters Josh Havens says it’s a little ironic that his wife’s new vacuum came in a box filled with packing peanuts. When she removed the vacuum all the peanuts came out as well. Jose posted his picture as his kids used the peanuts as indoors snow, creating quite a mess. It looks like she will have a good test run for the new vacuum.

Kutless member James Mead got some new input into his heritage this week. He posted: Apparently I’m a little bit Greek. Just found out tonight.

David Crowder is out with a 60 second video giving a little more insight into the man behind the beard. Check out his thoughts on questions ranging from Favorite Star Wars Character to his first job.  http://ow.ly/nhYp304E7ao

Danny Gokey is in a battle and it isn’t going well. Danny posted this week: Me verses my daughters hair. I lose EVERYTIME!! Attached was a short video as Danny attempts a ponytail. It doesn’t go well.

https://twitter.com/dannygokey/status/780486158593568768/video/1

Mercyme’s Bart Millard had one goal while tweeted during this weeks presidential debate. He posted: All I want is for one of my absurd tweets to scroll across the bottom of CNN!

Hawk Nelson’s Jon Steingard says taxation without representation didn’t end at the revolutionary war. When asked who his favorite candidate is, Jon posted: I’m Canadian so can’t vote. However, Jon quickly added that he has no plans to return to his native country. He said: I still choose San Diego. Grateful to live in this country, truly.

A new release from Chris Tomlin releases next week but it isn’t a new worship album. Instead, Chris will be releasing a new children’s book called Good, Good Father.

Aaron Shust is rehearsing this week for a new album. He will be recording the new live record in Franklin Tennessee next week.

The Sidewalk Prophets are giving away stuff from their bus. Entering is as simple as following the band and retweeting the information about the giveaway. The first item up for grabs was the original bus license plate signed by the band. They say the giveaways will continue all week. All items come from their tour bus.

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. As on ONAIRprep subscriber, you can get a fully-produced, customized version of the Daily Dose of Weird News FREE with a station or show specific tag! Email darren@onairprep.com for details!)

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

NONE ON THE WEEKENDS

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

NONE ON THE WEEKENDS

WONDER WOMAN (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Lighter Hair, Darker Skin”

DAILY COMEDY CLIP (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Rich Praytor, “Disneyland Burgers”

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE


OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, the jungle animals were finally tired of running away from a giant-footed creature. Actually they weren’t running away from it, because nobody had ever really even seen it. In fact, this could all be just a big joke! There’s only one way to find out though… and it’s scary…

CLOSE: Oh no… it really IS a monster leaving those giant footprints! It’s a giant gorilla! What will happen to Millard? Will he really be eaten? And will the words salsa and Cheeze Whiz play a large part in our next episode? Find out next time… As the Jungle Turns!

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF OCTOBER 01/02

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, the jungle animals were terrified and began to panic after coming across something they’d never seen before in the jungle – they found five giant footprints to a terrible, awful, disgusting, ugly, smelly, terrifying creature! Maybe. Unfortunately, nobody’s really seen the creature itself.

CLOSE: Maybe Nozzles is right… we really don’t know what made the footprints – or even if they’re real! Right now we’re just scared of stuff we’re imagining! Just imagine what will happen next… As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

23-year-old Joe Quinone of Colorado Springs, Colorado, has been walking around for 2 1/2 months without the right side of his skull!

It was removed during emergency surgery and cannot be put back on until (get this) the two state agencies arguing over which should pay for the procedure work it out.  That’s right… we have two agencies arguing over money while poor Joe is walking around with half of his head GONE!  Could this not be something to argue about AFTER the guy’s head is put back together?!?!  In the meantime he’s been walking around wearing a helmet, unable to drive and unable to work.  And, apparently this isn’t an uncommon problem… because 22-year-old Briana Lane of Utah had to wait 4 months for half of her skull to be put back on.  The reason… the same: benefits providers argued over who should pay to have it done.  She said she’d wake up in the morning and find that her brain had shifted to the other side of her head.  Sounds to me like the benefits providers are missing half of their skulls as well.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN NON-LETHAL WEAPONS REJECTED BY THE MILITARY

10. Servo-Activated Tactical Banana Cream Pie

9. Platoons of mice duct-taped with tiny speakers blaring Roseanne’s rendition of “The Star-Spangled Banner”

8. Extra-itchy tags to plant in enemy underpants

7. A battalion of guys who go on and on about the dream they had last night

6. Nasal Attainment/Detention Device — For deployment in large scale “got your nose” assaults

5. Loud recitation of a list of funny hurricane names, translated into the appropriate language

4. Nerf bayonets

3. Very, very slow bullets

2. The Greenpeace Petition Launcher

1. Bright white flags, waved briskly to blind the opposing force

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Today’s files of Law & Disorder could be a great story for Classmates.com! 

FILE #1: In Michigan, officers heard a knock at the police station’s back door. A man and a woman said they were on a scavenger hunt with another woman who had gone to a nearby store to buy a doughnut. Part of the scavenger hunt was to get a picture of a cop eating a doughnut. They wanted to know if one of the officers would be willing to get their picture taken. The officers planned to play along, and they chatted with the man and woman while waiting for the doughnut run. The man, Louis Jasick, recognized one of the police officers, a high school classmate. The officer then remembered seeing Jasick’s name on a flier that had been posted in the station only a day earlier. Jasick was wanted on two felony warrants for failing to pay child support. Jasick was listed as a flight risk, so the officers invited him inside and arrested him.

FILE #2: In San Francisco, furniture mover Steven Maul, 24, has been ordered to stand trial on felony charges of animal cruelty after allegedly biting his dog as part of a “primal” training regime. Maul is accused of forcing his Labrador puppy “Boo” to the ground on two separate occasions and biting him on the neck to discipline him. He could be sentenced to three years.  ***MARLAR: With a muzzle and a cone around his neck.

FILE #3: Paul Stansel was severely fined for failing to show up in court by Judge Paul Stansel! That’s right, Stansel fined himself! The Alabama judge fined himself half a month’s salary after finding himself in contempt of court. He said he forgot it was his day in court because he was at home looking after his sick pony, Bubba. Stansel said, “I screwed up and missed court. I don’t think judges are above the law. I gave myself twice the fine I would normally give somebody for missing court.”

STRANGE LAWS: In Richmond, Virginia it is illegal to flip a coin in any eating establishment to determine who buys a cup of coffee.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

Is it possible to be too drunk to be drunk? 

A man in Moss, Norway, who admitted to drunk driving was acquitted because he was drunk when he signed the confession, six hours after his arrest. He retracted the confession after he sobered up. His lawyer argued that since drunken people can’t sign confessions, the confession had to be thrown out, and he was acquitted because there was no other evidence against him.  ***So, in other words, the guy was too drunk to be convicted of drunk driving!

PHONER PHUN

What kind of crazy things have your kids done to try and convince you they were too sick to go to school – when they actually weren’t?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: What was every seventh year in Israel’s economy called?

ANSWER: Sabbath year (Leviticus 25:4)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: Pinocchio had two pets. What were they and what were their names?
ANSWER: A cat named Figaro and a goldfish named Cleo

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. In 1980, the only country in the world with no telephones was Iraq. (False – it was Bhutan)

2. Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable. (True)

3. In Alaska, it is illegal to stare at a moose from an SUV. (False – but it is illegal to stare at a moose from a flying vehicle!)

4. Kitsap County, Washington, was originally called Slaughter County. (True – and the first hotel there was called The Slaughter House. Honest.)

5. Two-thirds of the world’s eggplant is grown in the state of New York. (Close, but False. It’s New Jersey.)

6. Per-capita, the Canada eats the most turkey based products in the world. (False, it’s Israel.)

7. Nobody know how New York got the name “the Big Apple.” (False – we know. New York City’s nickname the “Big Apple” is named after an early swing-dance that originated in a South Carolina club (which used to be a church) called “The Big Apple.”)

8. New York City has the most skyscrapers of any city in the world. (True. NY has 140 skyscrapers. Chicago is a distant second at 68. The term “skyscraper” technically describes all habitable buildings with a height of more than 500 feet.)

9. The Great Lakes contain six trillion gallons of fresh water. (False – it’s even more than that: six quadrillion gallons of fresh water! That’s one-fifth of the world’s fresh surface water. The Great Lakes have a combined area of 94,230 square miles which makes them larger than the states of New York, New Jersey, Connecticut, Rhode Island, Massachusetts, and Vermont combined.)

10. A queen termite can live up to 50 years. (True! The 17-year locusts may be the most well-known long-living species. But, overall, most insects live less than a year.)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

“Your Popularity Is Determined By ______, Not Personality!” (GENES)


That’s according to new research from the University of California San Diego and Harvard Medical School. Without going into the details, the researchers basically concluded that the way humans evolve into certain social positions, and who one’s friends are and how popular one is has more to do with heredity than choice.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

A woman went to a computer dating service and said she didn’t care about looks, income or background. All she wanted was a man of upright character.

Then a man came in and told them the only thing he was seeking in a woman was intelligence.

The service matched them together at once because they had one thing in common – they were both compulsive liars.

JOKE #2

My wife was complaining that I spend too much time on the computer, and not enough time with her. I decided to fix that by having a ‘movie night’ with her.

We watched ‘Hackers’, ‘The Net’, ‘Anti-Trust’, ‘You’ve Got Mail’ and ‘The Matrix’.

She’s still mad at me. What did I do?

JOKE #3

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse, named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, “Pull, Nellie, pull!” Buddy didn’t move.

Then the farmer hollered, “Pull, Buster, pull!” Buddy didn’t respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, “Pull, Coco, pull!” Nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, “Pull, Buddy, pull!” And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, “Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn’t even try.”

USELESS FACTS

You can’t kill yourself by holding your breath.  ***But you can kill someone by blowing your breath towards them if you haven’t brushed your teeth yet.

A study by the University of Nebraska says that telemarketers are more likely to permanently lose their voices than workers in other professions. ***There you go folks… proof that God is Loving and Just.

12/12/12 was the last repetitive date you saw in your lifetime. ***Well, unless you have a Flux Capacitor.

FEATURED FUNNIES

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, “How many women can a man marry?”

“Sixteen,” the boy responded.

His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. “How do you know that?”

“Easy,” the little boy said. “All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer.”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

Fix your teeth… THEN you can marry my daughter! How’s that for a future father-in-law!

In Isle of Wight, England, 32-year-old Gordon Taylor had his heart set on marrying 26-year-old Sarah Lewis. Only problem was Sarah was the daughter of a dentist and Gordon — well he didn’t exactly have the oral hygiene a dentist dreams about. So her father, Dr. Phillip Lewis, said he couldn’t marry his daughter until he had his teeth fixed. Sarah’s mother Joy added, “Gordon is a lovely chap but he had awful teeth, really awful teeth.” So now Gordon has agreed to have all the necessary fillings, caps and surgery needed for the perfect smile. Sarah said, “I will always love him regardless but I know the finished look will certainly please him as well as our family and friends.” (Ananova)

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

In order to better understand the sacrifice Christ gave for us, the price He had to pay, read this.

Roman crucifixions were not anything short of the worst possible death. They usually began with the complete stripping of the clothes that the condemned was wearing. The soldiers would proceed to mercilessly beat him numerous times. After the flogging, a whip with thorns attached to it would be wound around the chest, back, and stomach of the accused and pulled off, resulting in the peeling off of almost all the skin. As if this was not enough, if the prisoner had a beard, it would be shaved off…along with the skin. We know that Jesus had a beard because this part was mentioned in the Bible. Then they would take heavy wooden poles and beat him in the face many, many times…it’s a wonder that none of Christ’s bones were broken. But, of course, it was to fulfill Biblical prophecy. Many or all of the bones were broken in the faces of most. Then came the humiliating walk down the road carrying your cross…not to mention the extreme suffering that any and all would now be in. Could you imagine the pain of having nails put through your hands and feet? I don’t think you can. And then came the many hours hanging on a cold hard board. The organs of one would sag weighing down on your stomach, ribs protruding like crazy. The pain would be so immense. An experiment was recently done in which 10 men were tied up with ropes onto wooden crosses in the same way that Jesus would have been nailed. The pain was so great that most of the men were crying out to be let down after only a minute and a half or less…the pain was so great you could see it in their eyes as they wept on their knees panting because of it. Not one of them lasted for more than three minutes. Jesus hung for at least six hours.

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

(Modified from Campus Journal)

You did not come . . . So I felt compelled to offer the burnt offering. –1 Samuel 13:11-12

Don’t mess with nature. That’s a conclusion biologists in South Florida have come to.

Early this century, in an effort to control pests who were running rampant in sugar cane fields, somebody introduced humongous South American toads in Florida. The idea of pest-scarfing creatures may have made sense at first, but it hasn’t worked out.

These huge toads, called Bufo marinus (marine toads) can grow to 7 inches or more and weigh over 3 pounds. And, to the surprise of no one, they know how to reproduce.

But the sheer numbers alone is not the only problem. These critters are known dog-killers. Any animal foolish enough to ingest one of those toads also gets a mouthful of poisonous white gunk from the toad’s puffed-out glands that extend from behind each eye and down the back.

Our efforts to try to “fix” problems in our lives or the lives of others may backfire just as badly–especially if we are trying to play God.

Remember what happened to King Saul when he took matters into his own hands? Instead of waiting for the prophet Samuel, Saul panicked and offered sacrifices that he must have thought would magically get him and his soldiers out of deep trouble.

But his ill-advised attempt to solve one problem only led to a much bigger and irreversible one.

How do we handle those tough situations when we feel trapped, and we feel compelled to take actions that we know violate biblical principles? Maybe we need to pass a test to keep a scholarship. Maybe it’s a research paper we don’t have time to do. Or maybe it’s a dating relationship we want to end. We may, in panic, feel that the only way out is to cheat, buy a ready-made paper, or lie.

The best solution, as not only Saul but also every other character in the Bible would now tell us, is to do what is right and trust God. In the long run, it’s the only way to get out of a tight spot.

LEFTOVERS

ARTFUL IDEA

Now anyone can buy original art… just look for the vending machine at a museum near you!

There are some new vending machines to keep an eye out for. They don’t dispense salty peanuts, sweet chocolate, or fizzy soda. Nope… they dispense stuff that is pleasing to the eye. These vending machines are dispensing mini works of art… and they are selling out in the US. Almost 200 artists from seven countries have taken part in the project. The vending machines are found in galleries, museums, cafes and bookshops. Actually, they are old cigarette machines but now they dispense art-work instead. ***MARLAR: Hey, look honey… a miniature Monet! Get out your purse, I need $2-million in quarters…

LIFE… LIVE IT

Textting duz NAWT leede two baad speling!

Good news parents– University of Alberta Psychology professor Connie Varnhagen has determined that texting does not make your kids bad spellers! The proof is a comparison made of text messages among 40 Canadian students aged 12 to 17 and a spelling test. The study showed that good spellers maintained their spelling ability, even if they text words on their mobile phones in an abbreviated manner. Ironically, those who were poor spellers to begin with also made spelling errors in their texts. One example was the acronym ROTFL which in text speak means “rolling on the floor laughing.” Poor spellers would misspell it in various ways like “RATLF.” (AHN News)

JUST FOR FUN

GIFT WRAPPED

If you send a gift to someone in Germany, you may not want to label it as such… they might have you arrested!

Police in Chemnitz, Germany, scrambled into action after a man reported receiving a package from the United States marked “gift”. The problem? Well, in German… gift doesn’t mean “free package given out of love or friendship”. No; to Germans, “gift” is the word for poison. So because someone here in the states decided to send someone a gift oversees, experts in chemical and biological hazards were called in to check it out. The alert was called off when it dawned on one officer that the word on the package was English, and it was opened to reveal only a poster. ***And just imagine the confusion when they discovered the poster was of the 80’s rock band “Poison!”

FUN LIST

SIGNATURES

True webheads use “signatures” — zippy little one-line sayings that are automatically attached to the bottom of email messages. Here are several examples.

  • Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

  • Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.

  • There’s too much blood in my caffeine system.

  • Ever notice how fast Windows runs?  Neither did I.

  • Double your drive space – delete Windows!

  • What is a “free” gift ?  Aren’t all gifts free?

  • Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

  • I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.

  • Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.

  • When there’s a will, I want to be in it.

  • Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

  • Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?

  • How do I set my laser printer on stun?

  • ‘…. now touch these wires to your tongue!’

  • According to my calculations the problem doesn’t exist.

  • If at first you don’t succeed, call it version 1.0

  • Maintenance-free: When it breaks, it can’t be fixed…

  • Nostalgia: The good old days multiplied by a bad memory…

  • Asking if computers can think is like asking if submarines can swim.

  • AAAAAA – American Association Against Acronym Abuse Anonymous

  • “Daddy, what does FORMATTING DRIVE C mean?”

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

SAVE ENERGY – SWING YOUR ARMS

I don’t know why we need to know this, but swinging your arms while walking saves energy and it’s good for your legs. …That’s the result of a study to find out why humans naturally swing their arms instead of holding them still when walking. Scientists at the University of Michigan found that keeping the arms still at the side spends 12 percent more energy than swinging them while striding. The natural swing motion also gives a slight bounce to the body which softens the impact walking has on the legs. Researchers also had test subjects walk with a swing where the same side arm moves in unison with the leg. That turned out to be more taxing than the normal arm swing where the opposite arm moves in the same direction as the opposite leg. The study concluded that man developed arm swinging while walking because it makes walking easier while actually saving energy.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

At Tuesday’s Red Sox/Yankees game, Andrew Fox of Pennsylvania man planned to surprise his girlfriend by proposing. Decked out in Yankee pinstripes, he even had his stunt all worked out to be shown on the arena’s jumbotron. All was going great until he dropped the ring as he opened up the box. Andrew and his seatmates are then seen scrambling to find the ring. After almost five excruciating minutes Andrew actually starts to cry thinking the ring is gone. Then his girlfriend, Heather Terwilliger, suddenly spotted something shining in the cuff of her pants. It was the ring and the rest of the proposal went off without a hitch. She said yes. A Yankees reporter talked afterward to the couple about “RingGate 2016,” and both admitted their relief, with Andrew saying all he could think during the ring search was, “If we don’t find this, this will be the biggest fail in history.” (For the Win)

Good news for chocolate lovers. Researchers may have found a way to make chocolate more nutritious and taste even better that it currently does. Some kinds of chocolate have already been shown to lower risk for stroke, boost mood and potentially serve as brain food, helping people to feel more awake and focused. But now a researcher in Ghana is looking at ways to improve the roasting process to help the cocoa beans retain more of their heart healthy antioxidants. While more research is required, officials say a longer storage periods and a slower roasting process seemed to improve the health benefits. http://huff.to/1N9cEEm

A selfless cashier recently received a surprise he was never expecting thanks to a simple act of kindness. While Travis was working as a cashier at one of his shifts, he was approached by a little boy wanting to purchase some ice cream. After counting the change and dollar bills, Travis realized the boy didn’t have enough money. But rather than turning him away, Travis simply paid for the ice cream himself. The act of kindness was rewarded just minutes later when the little boy returned with a note from his parents thanking Travis for his generosity. Wrapped inside was a $100 bill. http://bit.ly/1DV7AC9

When Mark Ross learned that his 15-year-old sister had been killed in a car accident by a drunk driver, he left his home in Indiana and headed to where his family was in Detroit, Michigan. The problem…Mark had an outstanding misdemeanor warrant in the city and wasn’t suppose to leave town. He got pulled over in Ohio by Sergeant David Robison but that’s where the story took a turn for the better. Robison offered to drive Mark the last 100 miles, prayed over him and his family, and dropped him off at a coffee shop where his cousin picked him up. His grieving family was so touched by the officer’s gesture that they invited him to the funeral. http://ow.ly/47yz304Guhp

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

It is never too late to be what you might have been.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

SEPTEMBER 30, 2016…

Queen Of Kawte—Here is an inspirational true story of a young girl from Uganda, Phiona Mutesi (played by Madina Nahwanga)  who learns the game of chess and becomes  proficient and a winner.  Also in the cast  are David Oweloyo and Lupita Nyong.  “Queen Of Kawte” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for chess fans.

Deepwater Horizon—Remember the gigantic fire on board an oil rig about 6 years ago? Here is the cinema story that stars Mark Wahlberg, Gina Rodriguez and Kurt Russell. What started it?  How to fight it?  Heroism? Ecological disaster? It unfolds before you. “Deepwater Horizon” is rated R. Rating of 2 for disaster film fans.

Masterminds—Zach Galifianakis is an armored truck driver.  His work partner is Kristen Wiig, along with someone on the other side of the law (Owen Wilson) and they try to pull off a robbery. Hmm. “Masterminds” is rated R. No rating.

Miss Peregrine’s Home For Peculiar Children—After reading this first book in the book series by Ransom Riggs, they caught my attention.  There are now several books in this series of children with unusual abilities who use time as their ally. Tim Burton directs. The children live on a secluded island, and the main character is played by Asa Butterfield. Samuel L. Jackson is the villain. My favorite is the girl who needs weighted shoes so she doesn’t float away. “Miss Peregrine’s Home For Peculiar Children” is rated PG 13. Rating of 3 for fans of the books.

Denial—Timothy Spall plays David Irving in this real life story of a man who doesn’t believe the Holocaust happened.  Deborah Lipstadt (played by Rachel Weisz) is going to prove, in court, that the Holocaust did happen.  Quite a court case. “Denial” is rated R. Rating of 2.

OCTOBER 07, 2016…

The Birth Of A Nation is Nate Parker’s film about a slave uprising in the early 1800’s.

The Girl On The Train  is adapted from the best selling novel by Paula Hawkins. Stars Emily Blunt.

The 13th is a documentary on the U.S. prison system.

Middle School: The Worst Years Of My Life combines some animation with real life in dealing with a boy’s adventures in Middle School.

Voyage of Time (documentary) is narrated by Cate Blanchett and explores the past of Planet Earth. Beautiful photography.

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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.