October 03, 2016: Monday ONAIRprep

***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS – FREE TO AIR! (Need to receive this earlier than when it’s posted? Get FTP access and receive a fully-produced version FREE with a customized tag specifically for your station or show! Contact me with your ONAIRprep username for details!)

AND NOW… ON WITH THE SHOW!

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20161003

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Warning! The following program contains immature subject matter. Immature? Some of it’s downright childish. –HaLife

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

He upholds the cause of the oppressed and gives food to the hungry. The LORD sets prisoners free, the LORD gives sight to the blind, the LORD lifts up those who are bowed down, the LORD loves the righteous. The LORD watches over the alien and sustains the fatherless and the widow, but he frustrates the ways of the wicked.”  –Psalm 146:7-9

Since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you and asking God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding. –Colossians 1:9

Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe. — Proverbs 29:25

[Jesus said] “The one who received the seed that fell among the thorns is the man who hears the word, but the worries of this life and the deceitfulness of wealth choke it, making it unfruitful.” — Matthew 13:22

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

In the same way, the Lord has commanded that those who preach the gospel should receive their living from the gospel. — 1 Corinthians 9:14

Thought: One of the great tragedies of our modern world is that while some who preach and teach the gospel are charlatans and cheats, the vast majority of God’s servants work just barely scraping by financially. Why not find some underpaid and forgotten Kingdom servant and share a little of the blessings God has given you?

Prayer: Holy Father, I thank you for your servants who share your message all over the world. Father, I want to especially thank you for ___ and I ask you that this person will be blessed with good health, a faithful and loving family, and the proper support to do your work in a way worthy of your cause. Please use me to bless and encourage this minister of your grace. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

John 10:3 NIV = The watchman opens the gate for him, and the sheep listen to his voice. He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out.

TODAY IS MONDAY – OCTOBER 03, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
82 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is TAKE A KID RIDING IN A WHEELBARROW DAY. ***And if placing them at the curb, please remember that children go into the recycling pile.

This is NATIONAL DIVERSITY DAY.  ***One way to be diverse?  Cart your kid around in a wheelbarrow!

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Child Health Day

Day of Unity

Techie’s Day

World Day of Architecture

World Day of Bullying Prevention (Blue Shirt Day)

World Habitat Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below.)

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 04

Blessing of the Animals Day (Blessing of the Pets Day / World Pet Day)

Improve Your Office Day

Kanelbullens Day (Cinnamon Roll Day)

National Taco Day

National Ship In a Bottle Day

Ten-Four Day

Vodka Day

World Animal Day

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 05

Balloons Around The World Day

International Day of No Prostitution

National Kale Day

Pet Obesity Awareness Day

Walk to School Day

World Teachers Day

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 06

American Libraries Day

Ecological Debt Day

Jackie Mayer Rehab Day

Mad Hatter Day

National German-American Day

National Depression Screening Day

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 07

Lee’s National Denim Day

National Diversity Day

National Personal Safety Day

World Smile Day

You Matter To Me Day

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 08

Alvin C. York Day

Fall Astronomy Day

National Motorcycle Ride Day

National Pierogy Day

Universal Music Day

World Octopus Day

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 09

Clergy Appreciation Day

Leif Erikson Day

National Chess Day

National Pro-Life Cupcake Day

Nautilus Day (Cephalopods)

World Post Day

MONDAY, OCTOBER 10

Columbus Day

International Day for Natural Disaster Reduction

International Newspaper Carrier Day

International Stage Management Day

National Handbag Day

National Kick Butt Day

Native American Day

Naval Academy Day

Squid & Cuttlefish Day

ON THIS DAY

1945: 10-year-old Elvis Presley made his first public appearance in the Mississippi-Alabama Dairy Show talent contest. He placed second singing “Old Shep” and won $5.00.

1952: The TV situation comedy “Our Miss Brooks,” for many years a favorite on radio, premiered on CBS with Eve Arden again in the title role. (

)

1955: Two new children’s programs debuted on network television: “Captain Kangaroo” (

) on CBS and “The Mickey Mouse Club” (
) on ABC. Both became hit daytime shows.

1960: “The Andy Griffith Show” premiered on CBS-TV. It was about a sheriff and his deputy in a town with no crime. It starred Andy Griffith as Andy, Don Knotts as Barney, Ronny Howard as Opie, Frances Bavier as Aunt Bea, Jim Nabors as Gomer, Anita Corsaut as Helen, George Lindsey as Goober, Howard McNear as Floyd, Hal Smith as Otis, Jack Dodson as Howard, Paul Hartman as Emmett, Betty Lynn as Thelma Lou, and Hope Summers as Clara. It lasted eight seasons and continues today in reruns. ***MARLAR: My favorite episode is when Opie kills a bird with his sling shot. The moment he realizes what he’s done, he runs to the bird on the ground and pleads for it to get up and fly away. Probably one of the best acting jobs of any child I’ve seen – chokes me up every single time… yeah, I’m a wimp… I know… (

)

1961: “The Dick Van Dyke Show” premiered on CBS-TV. ***MARLAR: It’s a miracle the show lasted as long as it did with the numerous times Dick Van Dyke kept falling over that foot rest! (

)

1980: Rocker Bruce Springsteen, launching his U.S. tour in Ann Arbor, Michigan, forgot the words to the opening song, “Born to Run.”

1991: A burglar who looted a Newark, New Jersey, home left behind an important clue, his 4-year-old daughter. When police arrived they found the child in the house crying for Daddy.

1993: The red dot edged green and yellow to break a three-way season tie in the last dot race at Arlington Stadium in Texas. The Rangers moved into a new ballpark in 1994.

1993: Tammy Faye Bakker married builder Roe Messner in Rancho Mirage, California. According to The National Enquirer, the bride wore a white sheet and carried a plastic bouquet.

1995: A Los Angeles jury found O.J. Simpson not guilty of murdering his ex-wife Nicole Brown and waiter Ronald Goldman. Some 107 million people watched TV news coverage of the verdict. ***MARLAR: O.J. said he’d be looking for the “real killer” – who he obviously felt would be located on one of the nation’s various golf courses.

2001: Buck Weimer in New York was awarded the Ig Nobel Prize, an award by actual Nobel Prize winners for work that cannot or should not be reproduced. Weimer won the scientific award for his invention: underwear with a flatulence filter. He accepted the award, but insisted his invention was a serious medical product.

2003: Roy Horn of “Siegfried & Roy” was in critical condition on his 59th birthday following a tiger attack during a performance. The tiger, a 7-year-old male named Montecore, was debuting in his first show.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1692: In Massachusetts, Increase Mather published his “Cases of Conscience Concerning Evil Spirits,” which effectively brought an end to the Salem Witch Trials which had begun earlier this year.

1778: Anglican clergyman and hymn writer John Newton wrote in a letter: ‘A real conviction of our weakness we cannot learn merely from books or preachers. The providence of God concurs … in making us acquainted with ourselves.’

1832: Birth of Carolina (aka Lina Sandell) Berg, hymn writer. Known as the “Fanny Crosby of Sweden,” her most enduring songs which survive today are: “Day by Day (And With Each Passing Moment)” and “Children of the Heavenly Father.”

1875: Hebrew Union College was founded in Cincinnati, Ohio under Jewish auspices. It was the first Jewish college in America to train men for the rabbinate.

1929: The Church of Scotland merged with the United Free Church of Scotland, retaining the name Church of Scotland. Though it maintains an official state connection, its ecclesiastical government is presbyterian (elder-led) in nature.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • singer-actress (Bring it On, Ghosts of Girlfriends Past) Christina Milian 35

  • actress (Mary Ingalls on “Little House on the Prairie”) Melissa Sue Anderson 54 (audio clip)

  • actress (“Beauty & The Beast”, the Terminator movies) Linda Hamilton 60

  • Singer/actress (Grease, Xanadu) Olivia Newton-John is 68 (audio clip)

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1938 : Eddie Cochran

1940 : Alan O’Day

1941 : Chubby Checker; Born Ernest Evans

1945 : Antonio Martinez (Los Bravos)

1950 : Ronnie Laws (Earth, Wind & Fire)

1951 : Lindsey Buckingham (Fleetwood Mac)

1962 : Tommy Lee (Motley Crue)

1969 : Gwen Stefani (No Doubt)

1971 : Kevin Richardson (Backstreet Boys)

1975 : India.Arie

1979 : Nate Wood (The Calling)

1984 : Ashlee Simpson

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

WHY DO BIRDS SING?
Why is the sky blue? Why does the sun rise? Why do fools fall in love? We’re really getting down to bedrock with this question, which is only two degrees of separation from, “What is life?” Have you noticed that there are few sopranos among the birdies? Singing is generally a guy thing in the feathered set. One reason for it is to stake out territory, which is lot neater than how many other animals accomplish the same thing – peeing all over the place instead of putting up a fence. And, hey, you can’t nest alone. Mr. Bird breaks into song when he’s on the make. Birds who sing the most usually have marked out territory rich in food. That’s what the female birds are looking for: a guy with the goods. They don’t care if he can’t carry a tune, as long as he can put worms on the table.
Source: EVER WONDER WHY? By Douglas B. Smith

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving three days a week from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

Jamie Grace is gearing up for a new season of the Jamie Grace Show. She posted this week: Season 3 of the Jamie Grace Show is almost hereeeeeee! In the mean time, you can catch up on old episodes. http://show.jamiegrace.com/

Matt Redman will be at the Georgia Dome when Passion 2017 comes to Atlanta in early January. This week he released a short video telling what they expect at next years event. The well known worship leader said, as a result of the conference, they expect to see signs of Christ’s kingdom springing up everywhere. Watch the video clip at https://twitter.com/passion268/status/781208780113604608/video/1.

The website We are Worship USA sat down with worship leader Meredith Andrews this week. Meredith shared how she balances Ministry and family and also how she finds rest in God. Hear her thoughts at https://youtu.be/7Rok0xbYITE.

Another Story Behind The Songs release is now available from Switchfoot. The focus this time is the band’s song: I Won’t Let You Go. The band says their new album, Where the Light Shines Through, was, in many ways, an attempt to find a path towards hope. “I Won’t Let You Go” is a song that faces the darkness head on. Read the entire Story Behind the Song at http://switchfoot.com/stories-behind-songs-wont-let-go/.

Hawk Nelson’s Jon Steingard was heading to the doctor on Thursday for a very important checkup. He posted: literally walking out the door to go find the gender of the baby. John said “WOWWEE”. No word on when the rest of us will know.

Sidewalk Prophets guitarist Ben McDonald this week officially announced a major life change. In addition to playing for the band, Ben has also provided a large part of the vision and driving force behind everything that Sidewalk Prophets has done over the past several years. That led to a decision in January to no longer play on stage with the Sidewalk Prophets. Now, six months after making the change, Ben is officially announcing it to the groups fan base as a permanent change. He posted: I can clearly see that I am in the position that God has called me to. He added: The good news is that I am 110 percent just as involved with the band as I ever was. The only difference now is that I am not on the stage. This truly is not a goodbye at all… just a re-prioritizing of my life so that I can stay sane, be a better husband and continue to do what I love most which is create experiences that move people.

Comedian Chonda Pierce took a few day off from touring this week but she wasn’t taking a break. She posted: A few days off the road to have a small role in a movie with John Corbett. He played the Pastor! I played a snooty church lady! In classic Chonda Pierce form, she added: Isn’t that precious!?”

MercyMe’s Bart Millard was enjoying a fire in the family’s fire pit this week. He posted: Finally an evening in Nashville that’s not scorching hot.

The Newsboys and Focus on the Family are joining together to raise awareness around Bring Your Bible to School Day on October 6. They are giving away a trip for four to hear the Newsboys in concert in Dallas. To enter simply share your Bring Your Bible to School Day experience or your favorite Newsboys song. The page is available by clicking on the link at christianartistnews.info. While there you can also download a free Bring Your Bible to School Day how-to guide for either students, pastors or parents.

https://focusonthefamily.webconnex.com/co-bybts2016?refcd=374901

Jamie Grace will turn 25 in 2 months but she says being a quarter of a century is not a big deal. She said: I’m young and I still have Snapchat.

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. As on ONAIRprep subscriber, you can get a fully-produced, customized version of the Daily Dose of Weird News FREE with a station or show specific tag! Email darren@onairprep.com for details!)

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

Suspicions continue that Russia is somehow attempting to hack the upcoming presidential election.  ***So if somehow we end up electing Vladimir Putin as our next Commander in Chief, we might need to look into it.

18% of parents say they paid for teeth whitening as part of their kids’ back to school shopping.  ***The three R’s… reading, writing, and Really Great Smiles!

Samsung is having a rough year. First, the Galaxy Note 7’s combusting into flames and now, problems with their washing machines. There have been a few incidents where the vibrations became so bad, they self-destructed. ***They should use that vibrate function on their phones – you’d NEVER miss a call!

According to a new survey, one million Americans have already wrapped up their holiday shopping.  ***In fact, so have I… I just wrapped up my holiday shopping for 1986.

Yes, the NFL players have the right to take a knee during the playing of the national anthem. It’s a free country. But that also means people have the right to not tune in to NFL games because of the whole controversy, and they’re doing that. 3 weeks into the season, the numbers continue to decline. ***Keep it up and Colin and Friends might just protest themselves out of a job.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

It took $140,000 of your tax dollars to prove it, but scientists have confirmed that women really are more sensitive than men. Gals are quicker to cry when upset, more sympathetic to others who are in emotional pain and more likely to hug someone who is not a blood relative, the 6-year government funded study revealed. ***Men still cry though – like when we find out that $140,000 of our tax dollars go to a study to prove what we already know.

 

People who sleep more or fewer than seven hours a day, including naps, are increasing their risk for cardiovascular disease, the leading cause of death in the United States, a recent study shows.  Sleeping fewer than five hours a day, including naps, more than doubles the risk of being diagnosed with angina, coronary heart disease, heart attack, or stroke, the study, conducted by researchers at West Virginia University’s (WVU) School of Medicine and published in the journal “Sleep,” says.   And sleeping more than seven hours also increases the risk of cardiovascular disease, it says.  ***I was doing fine until I read this story and got so bored that I fell asleep and screwed up my schedule. 

 

A school library in Falkenberg, Sweden, is refusing to lend books to students whose underwear is showing.  ***Wait a minute – teenagers who walk around with their underwear showing… read BOOKS?!

 

The average American spends about an hour in the bathroom every day, or two weeks a year. A survey by the National Association for Continence found that a third of respondents said they find comfort and relief from life’s stresses in the bathroom.  *** Unless you’re last name is Clinton, at which point you’re only in there to check your email.  

 

WONDER WOMAN (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Lighter Hair, Darker Skin”

DAILY COMEDY CLIP (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Rich Praytor, “Disneyland Burgers”

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE


OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, the jungle animals were finally tired of running away from a giant-footed creature. Actually they weren’t running away from it, because nobody had ever really even seen it. In fact, this could all be just a big joke! There’s only one way to find out though… and it’s scary…

CLOSE: Oh no… it really IS a monster leaving those giant footprints! It’s a giant gorilla! What will happen to Millard? Will he really be eaten? And will the words salsa and Cheeze Whiz play a large part in our next episode? Find out next time… As the Jungle Turns!

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF OCTOBER 08/09

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, all of the animals were scared after finding what appeared to be five giant footprints from an unknown creature! They all began thinking it was a terrible, nasty, filthy, dangerous creature – maybe even a creature who’s favorite food is MONKEYS!

CLOSE: Wow… an “everything must go” sale! Brilliant! It’s going to be a lot easier to run away from a terrifying giant-footed monster if you don’t have to carry all your belongings with you while you’re running! Come to think of it… you can advertise here on the radio station. Just call 555/555-1212… ask for (local Sales Manager)… and we’ll get you started! Oh yeah… and tune in next time, for As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

In what should be an unnecessary law, it is illegal in Florida to feed alligators.
However, the law is on the books because of people like 25-year-old Danielle Rivera, of Palm Bay. Rivera told investigators that she was trying to feed an alligator when it bit her hand instead of the food. She said she did not realize it could propel itself out of the water. Luckily, Danielle still has her hand and officers decided not to charge her with a second-degree misdemeanor, seeing as how she likely learned her lesson about feeding alligators the hard way.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR KID’S SCHOOL IS TOO CROWDED

10. Kid comes home happy saying, “I got to ride inside the bus today!”

9. Principal sends warning: “He’s not skipping class enough.”

8. Teacher needs a U-Haul to bring home the book reports.

7. Losing 60 to 70 kids on class trip is considered “successful.”

6. School play is “The Ten Commandments”–there are enough kids to play all 100,000 Hebrews.

5. Class photo taken using government weather satellite.

4. The teacher calls out, “Gus Van Rauschenbach” and 17 kids say, “Here.”

3. Last Spring’s school bake sale brought in one and a quarter million.

2. There’s a waiting list to get beat up by the school bully.

1. The kids actually outnumber the rats.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

A murderer has been through six mistrials for the same offense!

FILE #1: Prosecutors and six Tampa-area juries have found Oscar Ray Bolin to be a vicious murderer, but in August, the state Supreme Court ruled, for the sixth time, that he’s entitled to a new trial, because damaging testimony from his ex-wife ought not to have been used against him. The court said Bolin had not waived his privilege not to have his wife’s words used against him. But reality says otherwise. He wrote police a six-page letter saying, “If there’s thing that you really want know about, then you’ll haft ask Cheryl Jo (his ex-wife), cause she knew just about everthin’ I was ever a part of (and) she knew bout all 3 of these homocide which I’m charged with”. ***MARLAR: Sounds like he’s guilty of murdering the English language too.

FILE #2: Security guards at a local mall in Colma, California called the cops to report a burglary. When the cops pulled up they noticed two men outside the mall using a coat hanger to try to get into a locked car. When they pulled up to investigate, the officers discovered that it was none other than two really incompetent thieves, who had returned to their getaway car with all their loot only to discover they’d locked themselves out. They’ve now been locked up.

FLE #3: A farmer in Poland had a lot of roosters but not a lot of hens. Knowing that he could get more money selling hens, he decided to make the roosters into hens. He died the hen’s feathers using wood stain and then used a hair drier to poof the feathers to make the roosters look like hens. He then proceeded to try to sell them at a market, but he didn’t fool anyone, especially the police. The farmer now faces up to eight years in jail.

STRANGE LAW: In Montana it is a misdemeanor to show movies that depict acts of felonious crime.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

Yes, drunkenness is really stupid.
Here’s the story of Dave Anthony. A friend was tearing down a house in Kent, Washington, so Anthony came over in his 4×4 GMC pickup to help. First, Anthony knocked down the garage — by ramming it with his truck. He was helped along by an 18-pack of beer which, he said, he was drinking “before, during and after” what happened next: “I just got a wild hair,” he said, and decided to drive his truck onto the roof. But the already partly-collapsed structure couldn’t handle it, and started to buckle. A local towing company brought the truck down safely, and then hauled his truck off to an impound yard when he couldn’t pay the $695 bill.  ***MARLAR: That’s when he stopped laughing – and everyone else began.

PHONER PHUN

Laws that should exist, but don’t?  Let’s make a list!

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: What magician came to be baptized by Philip?

ANSWER: Simon the sorcerer. (Acts 8:12-13)

QUESTION: What is the name of the prophet who said that Paul would be arrested in Jerusalem?
ANSWER: Agabus (Acts 21:10,11)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: In 2008, instead of finding a cat, when a Casper, Wyoming police officer was called to a house what did he find?
ANSWER: A mountain lion (cougar).  The officer was originally called to shoo off a bothersome “kitty cat” – only to find once arriving that the cat weighed 80 to 90 pounds and was no ordinary cat, but was a mountain lion!

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. An eerie statistic: the movie “The Sixth Sense” was rented out by 666 million people in the year 2000.  (False – it was only 80 million, but that was enough to make it the year’s top rated DVD and VHS title.)

2. The Australian box-jellyfish has seven eyes. (False – it has eight eyes.)

3. To produce a dozen eggs, a hen has to eat about fourteen pounds of feed. (False – it’s closer to four pounds of feed.)

4. Actor Richard Gere was considered to play the role of John McClane in the movie Die Hard.  (True – Bruce Willis played the part instead.)

5. The Hebrews use to eat flamingo tongue which was considered a delicacy. (False – but the Romans did!)

6. The fat that comes from sheep, which is called tallow, can also be used to produce soap and candles. (True.)

7. One of the most dangerous insects in the world is the common housefly. (True – they carry and transmit more diseases than any other animal in the world.)

8. 84% of a raw apple is water. (True.)

9. Outside London, Liverpool is the most filmed British city.  (True – it was used to film more than 140 films in 2002 alone.)

10. The dog with the largest ears in the world is a Basset Hound.  (True – the dog’s name is Mr. Jeffries. The dog’s ears are 11.5 inches longs, and are insured for $47,800.)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

GIANT AFRICAN _______ INVADE MIAMI (SNAILS)

MIAMI – Giant snails have invading homes in Miami, destroying houses and… killing dozens of residents!

Miami authorities are struggling to wipe out an invasion of Giant African Snails that are munching on plants, destroying houses and attacking humans.  Last week, a pair of sisters tipped off officials to the slimy creatures, which can grow up to 10 inches long by 4 inches wide, and lay roughly 120,000 eggs a year. “I had never seen anything like it,” says one frightened resident. “ We are under attack!”

Originating in East Africa, the snails are highly destructive and usually illegal in the US. The current snail infestation and attack may be related to a smuggling case last year in which a Florida man was accused of flying in the snails for an African religious ritual. For now, state employees are going house-by-house and bagging the mollusks by gloved hand. So far they’ve found about 50,000 of them, which will be placed in freezers for a “humane death,” one official says.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

Some friars were behind in their belfry payments, so they opened a small florist shop to raise the funds.  Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.
He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close.  They ignored him. He asked his mother to go ask the friars to get out of business.  They ignored her.  So, the rival florist hired Hugh Mac Taggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to “persuade” them to close.  Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close shop. Terrified, the friars did so. The Moral of the Story:  Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars!

JOKE #2

Nick lives in a subdivision that branches off the main highway. He drives a Corvette, and thinks the only two speeds are “STOP” and “FULL SPEED.”

One day, when he was late for work, he comes tearing out the road from his house, tops the little hill before getting to the main road, and sees a police car blocking the road. He slams on the brakes and comes to a screeching halt about 6 inches from the police car.

The policeman, who had often seen him driving fast, walked up and said, “Mister, I’ve been waiting for you all morning…”

Nick replied “Well gosh, I got here as fast as I could!”

JOKE #3

Walt was driving a rig in a long line of tractor-trailers when a police officer pulled him over for speeding. Astounded that he alone was caught, he asked, “Out of all these trucks that were going just as fast as I was, why did you pull me over?”

“Have you ever gone fishing?” the officer asked.

“Yes,” Walt replied.

“Well, have you ever caught all the fish in the pond?”

USELESS FACTS

Surveys in Britain and America both found that most people today are still children at 30. “Adulthood” was defined as completing your education, leaving home and becoming financially independent. Only 46 percent of men today have done all three by age 30, compared with 65 percent in 1960. Dr. Elisa Ferri of Britain’s Economic and Social Research Council said, “The delay in reaching adulthood is more and more pronounced.”  ***Most women would tell you that men are still children at age 50.

The rarest chocolate bar in the world is the Porcelana bar. There are only 20,000 of these bars produced a year, and they sell for $90 per pound.  ***Bad news for people like me – $90/pound… and I’m like 350 pounds… I can’t afford that chocolate bar.

FEATURED FUNNIES

After a very long and boring sermon the parishioners filed out of the church saying nothing to the preacher. Towards the end of the line was a thoughtful person who always commented on the sermons. “Pastor, today your sermon reminded me of the peace and love of God.”
The pastor was thrilled. “Nobody has ever said anything like that about my preaching before. Tell me why.”
“Because it endured forever.”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

HE ALMOST LOST HIS HEAD OVER IT
A man has almost lost his head in a car accident – and all he has to do now is replace his headrest! 
Yanni Torres of Miami will have to get a new head-rest for the driver’s seat of his car, but he considers himself lucky because he almost needed a new head to go with it! Yanni was driving right behind a big rig carrying large sheets of iron when one of the sheets flew off and crashed right through his windshield! He instinctively ducked which is the only thing that saved his life. The sheet sliced off the head rest and slammed into the backseat where his 2-year-old daughter usually sits. What’s really weird is she had wanted to go on the trip but Yanni says for some reason he just didn’t want to take her. ***What amazes me about this is that some people will chalk this up to “coincidence” rather than seeing it for what it truly was… an episode where God placed his hand of protection over a father and daughter.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

SPECIAL THOUGHTS
The only survivor of a shipwreck washed up on a small, uninhabited island. He prayed feverishly for God to rescue him, and every day he scanned the horizon for help, but none seemed forthcoming.
Exhausted, he eventually managed to build a little hut out of driftwood to protect him from the elements, and to store his few possessions. But then one day, after scavenging for food, he arrived home to find his little hut in flames, the smoke rolling up to the sky. The worst had happened; everything was lost. He was stung with grief and anger. “God, how could you do this to me!” he cried.
Early the next day, however, he was awakened by the sound of a ship that was approaching the island. It had come to rescue him. “How did you know I was here?” asked the weary man of his rescuers. “We saw your smoke signal,” they replied.
It is easy to get discouraged when things are going bad. But we shouldn’t lose heart, because God is at work in our lives, even in the midst of pain and suffering. Paul wrote, “. . .I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want” (Philippians 4:12). Paul had confidence that good would come out of everything (Romans 8:28), so he learned to be thankful, not bitter, even when he was suffering.
Who knows? Remember next time your little hut is burning to the ground it just may be a smoke signal that summons the grace of God.

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

GET TO KNOW JESUS
Grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. —2 Peter 3:18
In his book The Call, Os Guinness tells a story about Arthur Burns, chairman of the US Federal Reserve Board during the 1970s. Burns, who was Jewish, became part of a Bible study held at the White House at that time. One day, those in the group listened in surprise as Burns prayed, “O God, may the day come when all Jews will come to know Jesus.” But an even bigger surprise came when he prayed for the time “when all Christians will come to know Jesus.”
Burns hit on a profound truth we all need to wrestle with. Even if we claim the name of Jesus Christ, it may not be evident to others that we really know Him. Do we have a personal relationship with Him? If so, are we striving, praying, and working to know Jesus more intimately each day?
Peter, a man who knew Jesus well, said that “the knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord” will bring us multiplied “grace and peace” (2 Peter 1:2). Knowing Jesus gives us “all things that pertain to life and godliness” (v.3). And knowledge of Jesus will help us develop character traits that show the world that we are connected to Him (vv.5-8).
Can you and I honestly say, “I know Jesus better today than I did yesterday”? —Dave Branon

No knowledge gained through arduous quest
Has made my heart so free
As this great fact of time and space—
That Jesus died for me! —D. De Haan

The better you know Jesus in your heart, the more the world will see Jesus in your life.

LEFTOVERS

HOME SCHOOL DISCRIMINATION
Imagine walking into a J.C. Penny store to find a shirt that is emblazoned with the words “Home Skooled” – with “schooled” being purposely misspelled.  Would it offend you? It would if you home school your children… and that’s exactly what has happened.
T-shirts with the words “Home Skooled” (with the word “Schooled” being purposely misspelled) were pulled from J.C. Penney stores recently because of customer complaints.  Some customers said the T-shirt demeaned home-schooling and threatened to boycott the company. Tim Lyons, a spokesman for J.C. Penney, said he did not know how many of the T-shirts had appeared in stores. “It wasn’t our intent to sell an item that is offensive,” Lyons said. Upset home-schoolers and other customers called and e-mailed the retailer’s customer service centers to complain.  In response, a notice was sent to J.C. Penney stores advising them to remove the T-shirts. According to a study by the Education Department, about 850,000 of the United States’ 50 million schoolchildren are being taught at home. ***MARLAR: Now if it said “Govmint Skooled”, at least there would be some accuracy to it!

LIFE… LIVE IT

This may come as a surprise, but chewing gum is actually good for heartburn.

Chewing gum works in the same acid-neutralizing way by soothing the esophagus and washing acid back down to the stomach. You can also try sucking on hard candies, which ups your spit production, creating a natural barrier to stomach acids. But don’t chew on mint — it is one of several spices that can irritate the gastric lining and can be troublesome for heartburn sufferers, cautions the National Heartburn Alliance.

JUST FOR FUN

THE SKY IS FALLING


What do you keep admonishing to your kids? “Don’t hit your little sister”? “Clean up your room”? or “Quit playing that video game”?

…24 year old Ryan Neuhaus’ mother keeps telling him to “Take Better Care of that Car” and now he’s out of luck. The Florida man had just changed the oil in his 1995 Mercury Cougar and was told that his car needed “a lot of work” done to it when a single-engine plane fell from the sky and crushed his car. Neither Pilot Souheil Seddik nor Neuhaus were seriously injured when the Cessna 150 landed on the Mercury Cougar. ***MARLAR: Both men will now be doing commercials for Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. “You got your Cesna in my Cougar!” “You got your Cougar in my Cesna!”

FUN LIST

TOP FIVE SIGNS THE LIBRARIAN IS A LITTLE OFF HER ROCKER

  • Hands out exploding book marks

  • Likes to scream, then shoosh herself

  • Files the “C” authors between the A’s and B’s

  • She claims to have a book allergy

  • Ask her a question and she’ll let you choose the answer in fiction or non-fiction

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

OH DEER!

A manager at a Georgia grocery store received an unusual call from the customer service desk. Michael Grant, co-manager of a Kroger supermarket was faced with the task of dealing with a deer that walked into the store. A confused eight-point buck deer wandered from the woods and entered the store through the supermarket’s automatic sliding glass doors. The frightened animal pawed at the produce counter, spilling ears of corn and lettuce on the floor, and then moved to the delicatessen, where it leaped a counter. Two women employees had to take refuge inside the deli’s walk-in cooler. Grant and five customers eventually grabbed the deer by the antlers and wrestled him to the ground until Animal Control officers could arrive. ***MARLAR: Later it was discovered that the deer was simply needing change for a “buck.”

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

Abolish Abortion Florida launched an online petition to amend the state constitution so that abortion will be considered as first-degree, premeditated murder. According to the Gospel Herald, the proposed amendment will apply to both the parties who performed the procedure and the person who had the abortion. The group hopes to collect enough signatures to have the Florida constitution amended for the 2018 election ballot. Should the ballot measure pass, the state would impose that unborn babies be given the right to life from the moment of conception.  http://ow.ly/vzOF304F5Ni

Remember how last month I told you that the ESV Bible was updated and the publisher had decided it would never be revised again?  Well… now they’ve changed their minds.  The publisher of the English Standard Version (ESV) of the Bible has reversed its controversial decision to finalize the text after tweaking 29 verses. Crossway president and CEO Lane Dennis announced this week: “We have become convinced that this decision was a mistake.” Last month, Crossway announced that after changing 52 words in 29 verses—out of more than 775,000 words across more than 31,000 verses—the ESV text would “remain unchanged in all future editions.” One of the reasons for reversing the decision was the continuing development of English language. Officials say “The English language changes, and my guess is that over the years even this particularly type of translation will sound more and more stilted.”  http://bit.ly/2dadgPm

October is clergy appreciation month! Our pastors and their families work hard and sacrifice their time and energy. They need to know how much we appreciate them. Focus on the Family has made resources available to help us say thank you. To learn how you can recognize your church leaders, find a planning guide, or just to read the history of Clergy appreciation month visit http://www.thrivingpastor.com/clergyappreciation/.

The Russian Orthodox Church is hoping to make all abortions illegal. To that end, Patriarch Kirill has signed a petition that will be given to Russian president Vladimir Putin. The Russian Orthodox Church formerly worked to ban government-provided abortions, but is now calling for a ban on private abortions as well. Patriarch Kirill hopes to get one million people to sign the petition. Thus far, 300,000 people have signed it. The petition would ban all forms of abortion, including surgical and drug-induced. It would also ban the morning-after pill. http://dlvr.it/MLys0v

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

“Success always occurs in private; failure in full view.”  –Anonymous

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

SEPTEMBER 30, 2016…

Queen Of Kawte—Here is an inspirational true story of a young girl from Uganda, Phiona Mutesi (played by Madina Nahwanga)  who learns the game of chess and becomes  proficient and a winner.  Also in the cast  are David Oweloyo and Lupita Nyong.  “Queen Of Kawte” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for chess fans.

Deepwater Horizon—Remember the gigantic fire on board an oil rig about 6 years ago? Here is the cinema story that stars Mark Wahlberg, Gina Rodriguez and Kurt Russell. What started it?  How to fight it?  Heroism? Ecological disaster? It unfolds before you. “Deepwater Horizon” is rated R. Rating of 2 for disaster film fans.

Masterminds—Zach Galifianakis is an armored truck driver.  His work partner is Kristen Wiig, along with someone on the other side of the law (Owen Wilson) and they try to pull off a robbery. Hmm. “Masterminds” is rated R. No rating.

Miss Peregrine’s Home For Peculiar Children—After reading this first book in the book series by Ransom Riggs, they caught my attention.  There are now several books in this series of children with unusual abilities who use time as their ally. Tim Burton directs. The children live on a secluded island, and the main character is played by Asa Butterfield. Samuel L. Jackson is the villain. My favorite is the girl who needs weighted shoes so she doesn’t float away. “Miss Peregrine’s Home For Peculiar Children” is rated PG 13. Rating of 3 for fans of the books.

Denial—Timothy Spall plays David Irving in this real life story of a man who doesn’t believe the Holocaust happened.  Deborah Lipstadt (played by Rachel Weisz) is going to prove, in court, that the Holocaust did happen.  Quite a court case. “Denial” is rated R. Rating of 2.

OCTOBER 07, 2016…

The Birth Of A Nation is Nate Parker’s film about a slave uprising in the early 1800’s.

The Girl On The Train  is adapted from the best selling novel by Paula Hawkins. Stars Emily Blunt.

The 13th is a documentary on the U.S. prison system.

Middle School: The Worst Years Of My Life combines some animation with real life in dealing with a boy’s adventures in Middle School.

Voyage of Time (documentary) is narrated by Cate Blanchett and explores the past of Planet Earth. Beautiful photography.

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