October 05, 2016: Wednesday ONAIRprep

***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS – FREE TO AIR! (Need to receive this earlier than when it’s posted? Get FTP access and receive a fully-produced version FREE with a customized tag specifically for your station or show! Contact me with your ONAIRprep username for details!)

AND NOW… ON WITH THE SHOW!

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20161005

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

I will not be nervous during the following program because the program director has granted me complete immunity. –HaLife

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“You are no longer foreigners and aliens, but fellow citizens with God’s people and members of God’s household.” Ephesians 2:19

When Jesus landed and saw a large crowd, he had compassion on them, because they were like sheep without a shepherd. So he began teaching them many things. –Mark 6:34

The man without the Spirit does not accept the things that come from the Spirit of God, for they are foolishness to him, and he cannot understand them, because they are spiritually discerned. — 1 Corinthians 2:14

Without wood a fire goes out; without gossip a quarrel dies down. — Proverbs 26:20

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

“Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth.” — Genesis 9:16

Thought: I don’t know about you, but I’m a very visual person. I truly appreciate the way God made the world with all its variety, color, and rich diversity. I am thankful for the way our Father in heaven used certain key images in our world to remind us of his daily provision and eternal grace. The beauty of a rainbow is not just in its wonderful colors or in the aroma of fresh rain, but in the promise that our God has made to us. The eternal and living God has chosen to link himself to our destiny and to involve himself in our world because of his love and grace! The rainbow is a reminder that we are God-blessed.

Prayer: Almighty God, thank you for making your great promises when we had no right to expect them, much less to demand them. Thank you for attaching those promises to things in my everyday world so that I can be reminded of your constant and watchful care. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

2 Corinthians 10:5 NIV = We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

TODAY IS WEDNESDAY – OCTOBER 05, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
82 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is NATIONAL NOISY MUNCHING DAY, a day to annoy others by eating ice, pickles, chips, anything crunchy and loud. ***That’s my normal diet anyway.

Today is BE NICE TO LAWYERS DAY. ***Or they’ll sue.

Today is LONG WALK DAY. ***Something people love to tell lawyers, usually involving a short pier.

Today is DO SOMETHING NICE DAY. ***Like tell a lawyer to take a long walk off a short pier.

Today is NATIONAL DEPRESSION SCREENING DAY. ***What doesn’t make sense to me is that you can go in to get tested for depression, and the results could be “positive” – meaning you’re depressed. But the tests could come out “negative” – and that SOUNDS depressing.

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Balloons Around The World Day

International Day of No Prostitution

National Kale Day

Pet Obesity Awareness Day

Walk to School Day

World Teachers Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below.)

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 06

American Libraries Day

Ecological Debt Day

Jackie Mayer Rehab Day

Mad Hatter Day

National German-American Day

National Depression Screening Day

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 07

Lee’s National Denim Day

National Diversity Day

National Personal Safety Day

World Smile Day

You Matter To Me Day

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 08

Alvin C. York Day

Fall Astronomy Day

National Motorcycle Ride Day

National Pierogy Day

Universal Music Day

World Octopus Day

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 09

Clergy Appreciation Day

Leif Erikson Day

National Chess Day

National Pro-Life Cupcake Day

Nautilus Day (Cephalopods)

World Post Day

MONDAY, OCTOBER 10

Columbus Day

International Day for Natural Disaster Reduction

International Newspaper Carrier Day

International Stage Management Day

National Handbag Day

National Kick Butt Day

Native American Day

Naval Academy Day

Squid & Cuttlefish Day

World Day Against The Death Penalty

World Homeless Day

World Mental Health Day

World Porridge Day

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 11

Ada Lovelace Day

General Pulaski Memorial Day

International Day of the Girl

Myths & Legends Day for All Fantasy Movie, Books and Legends Cephalopods

National Face Your Fears Day

National Food Truck Day

Southern Food Heritiage Day

Yom Kippur

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 12

National Online Banking Day

Columbus Day

Day of the Six Billion

Drink Local Wine Day

Emergency Nurses Day

Free Thought Day

National Bring Your Teddy Bear To Work and School Day

International Top Spinning Day

National Fossil Day

National Take Your Parents To Lunch Day

S.A.V.E. (Stop America’s Violence Everywhere)

Spanish Language Day

Stop Bullying Day

World Arthritis Day

ON THIS DAY

1892: The Dalton Gang, notorious for its train robberies, was wiped out while attempting to rob two banks in Coffeyville, Kansas. Four members of the gang and four citizens were killed. Gang member Emmett Dawson survived serious wounds and was sentenced to life in prison.

1930: Laura Ingalls completed the first transcontinental airplane flight by a woman. She flew a bi-plane from New York to California in four days. ***Which episode of “Little House” was that?

1969: “Monty Python’s Flying Circus” debuted on BBC television. (audio clip)

1974: American David Kunst became the first person to walk around the world. The stroll took four years and 21 pairs of shoes. He crossed four continents and walked 14,450 miles.

1989: Evangelist Jim Bakker was convicted of using his TV show to defraud followers of over $150-million.

1995: In Kumi, Uganda, a thief was convicted of stealing an elderly man’s big edible rat. The ratnapper was sentenced to 12 strokes of the cane and ordered to trap five edible rats for his victim. ***A greater punishment would be forcing him to eat the rat.

1997: When the First United Methodist Church women’s group in Tulsa lit all 95 candles on Mabel McCullough’s birthday cake, it set off the fire alarm. It did not trigger the sprinkler system, but five engines and two ladder companies of firefighters showed up for the party. ***I thought “Holy Fire” was just an expression!

1998: Fergie, Duchess of York, hosted the first episode of her “chat” show “Sarah: Surviving Life” on Britain’s Sky TV.

1999: Actor Kevin Spacey received a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

2003: A Brazilian mother and daughter who hadn’t seen each other for 17 years met up when they were put in the same prison cell in Sao Paulo’s Pinheiros prison. The daughter, arrested for robbery, had run away from home at age eight. Mom was doing time for drug dealing.

2006: A 22-year-old man attempted to drive 310 miles in reverse on a remote Australian Outback highway after his transmission failed, blocking his forward gears. He drove about 12 miles before Western Australia state police spotted his car roaring in reverse down the highway at about 40 mph. An alcohol breath test was negative, but police charged the backer with reckless driving.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

869: The Fourth Constantinople (8th Ecumenical) Council opened under Pope Adrian II in the West and Emperor Basil I in the East. During its six sessions, the council condemned iconoclasm. It was the last ecumenical council held in the East.

1744: Following his ordination, David Brainerd, 26, began three years of intense missionary labors among the Indians along the Susquehannah River in New Jersey. Increasing illness from the elements led to Brainerd’s premature death, after only three years.

1833: Birth of William G. Tomer, American Civil War veteran and Methodist hymnwriter. It is to his tune, FAREWELL, that today we sing the hymn, “God Be With You Till We Meet Again.”

1969: Death of Harry Emerson Fosdick, 91. He pastored Riverside Church in New York City 1926-46, and authored the enduring hymn, “God of Grace and God of Glory.”

1989: Ten months after being indicted by a federal grand jury, televangelist Jim Bakker, 50, was found guilty on 24 counts of mail and wire fraud. Three weeks later, on October 24th, Bakker was fined $500,000 and sentenced to 45 years in prison.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actress (Finding Neverland, Sense And Sensibility, Titanic) Kate Winslet 41

  • singer-actress (Breaking All The Rules, Diary Of A Mad Black Woman) Heather Headley 42

  • actor (Scott Scanlon on “Beverly Hills 90210”) Doug Emerson 40 (audio clip)

  • actress (“Melrose Place”) Josie Bissett 44 (audio clip)

  • actor (Paparazzi, Vampires, Mullholand Falls) Daniel Baldwin 56

  • actress (Animal House, Star Man, Raiders of the Lost Ark) Karen Allen 65

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1907 : Mrs. Miller

1924 : Bill Dana

1935 : Margie Singleton

1938 : Carlo Mastrangelo (Dion & The Belmonts)

1938 : Johnny Duncan

1939 : Abi Ofarim

1942 : Richard Street (The Temptations)

1943 : Steve Miller

1947 : Brian Johnson (AC/DC)

1948 : Lucius Ross (Funkadelic)

1949 : B.W. Stevenson

1949 : Brian Connolly (Sweet)

1954 : Sir Bob Geldof (The Boomtown Rats)

1974 : Heather Headley

1980 : Paul (Good Charlotte)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

How did the tradition of the diamond engagement ring begin?

In 1477, Archduke Maximilian of Austria presented a diamond to Mary of Burgundy, and that is how the tradition of offering a diamond ring got its start. Currently, Canada has the highest diamond-engagement-ring acquisition rate in the world, as 85 percent of all Canadian brides received diamond engagement rings in the year 2000. In the United States, it was 74 percent.

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving three days a week from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

A great prayer for our pastors from Jimmy Needham: God fill their head with truth and their heart with compassion for your people.

David Crowder was asked to name one thing he couldn’t live without. His answer: oxygen.

Words to live by from David Crowder: Never pet a burning dog.

Casting Crowns Chris Huffman on the life of a touring artist: Being gone from home and from family for a long stretch is tough. It’s the hands and voices raised every night that are worth the sacrifice. Also, it makes that time at home all the more precious and cherished.

How many conversations can you carry on at the same time? Jamie Grace says her answer is one. She was FaceTiming with her sister Morgan while on speaker phone with her mom and said she couldn’t handle the craziness of the two combined.

As a former professional baseball player, Matt Diaz has played on some big stages. This weekend, though, he was cheering on his brother Jonny. Matt posted: Diaz family moment at the Atlanta Braves Turner Field as Jonny Diaz opened for Mercyme, holding the attention of 5000 people with just a guitar. Matt added: Proud Big Brother

Casting Crowns Megan Garrett is frustrated. She posted: Nothing like losing 90lbs and having someone in the meet and greet ask when my baby is due.

Sometimes even the best artists need a little help. Jason Gray posted: We took hits of pure oxygen backstage in Colorado last night to keep from getting headaches and being too winded! Jason is currently on tour with Josh Wilson and JJ Heller.

Chris and Jodi were able to spend a little time at home late last week but it wasn’t much. The duo that makes up Love and The Outcome posted: flew in, played a show, slept in our own bed, flew out. They had a total of 12 hours at home but you take what you can get.

The Switchfoot and Relient K Looking for America Tour is off to a rough start. Switchfoot frontman Jon Foreman posted: third time we’ve broken down on the side of the road, fourth bus driver, and we haven’t even played 10 shows yet.

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. As on ONAIRprep subscriber, you can get a fully-produced, customized version of the Daily Dose of Weird News FREE with a station or show specific tag! Email darren@onairprep.com for details!)

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

Oh, so you ran a half marathon? That’s impressive. But check out Anna Young, who not only ran a half marathon, she pumped breast milk in the middle of it. Young, who gave birth five months ago, broke it down on Facebook in the group Occupy Breastfeeding: “I nursed my daughter before I left my house, pumped after running the first 8 miles and nursed her after I made it past the finish line.”  ***I hope her baby likes milkshakes.

Say goodbye to plastic plates in France. According to Mashable.com, The country is the first to ban all plastic cups, plates and silverware in a law that will take full effect in 2020. By that time all disposable dishes in France will instead have to be made from biologically sourced materials and the products must be able to be composted. ***French dinnerware will now be almost as tasteless as French dinner.

Beginning this week, the government will pay for gender reassignment treatments and surgeries for soldiers. ***Because apparently our national defense depends on it.

The University of Wisconsin says they will be watching for any Halloween costumes that demonstrate any kind of racism. ***What about my blackface Hitler costume with a “White Lives Matter” sign… is that okay?

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

Men in their 40s and 50s who eat seven or more eggs a week have a higher risk of dying earlier, according to a 20-year study of 21,327 male physicians by researchers at Brigham and Women’s Hospital and Harvard Medical School.  ***Do Cadburys count?

People with initials such as ACE or GOD are likely to live longer than those whose names spell out words like APE, DUD, RAT or PIG. The study looked at 27 years’ worth of California death certificates.  ***Hmmm… so I’m guessing my initials spelling out (DRM) probably isn’t a great thing either.

The rise in drone popularity has opened up a new industry — anti-drone defense systems. New technologies are being developed in order to keep drones away from places they shouldn’t be or doing things they shouldn’t do.  ***How about an ANTI-anti-droning system for Washington D.C.  We really need to keep an eye on those people anyway we can.

 What if a drug could help you gain some of the benefits of exercise without working up a sweat?  In a study, sedentary mice that took the drug (AICAR) for four weeks burned more calories and had less fat than untreated mice.  And when tested on a treadmill, they could run about 44 percent farther and 23 percent longer than untreated mice.  Just how well those results might translate to people is an open question. But researchers say someday such a drug might help treat obesity, diabetes and people with medical conditions that keep them from exercising.  The scientists also report that in mice that did exercise training, a second drug — GW1516 — made their workout much more effective at boosting endurance.  The research is published online by the journal Cell.  ***Finally – I can get in my cardio just by running my mouth off!

WONDER WOMAN (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Psychic Wins Lottery”

DAILY COMEDY CLIP (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Chonda Pierce, “Asking for Directions”

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD WEDNESDAY’S EPISODE


OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, all of the animals found out the source of the giant footprints… there were from a giant gorilla! Somehow, all of the animals were able to run away and hide from the gorilla in a giant, scary cave… and now Cheetah Bonita is thinking the gorilla might not be so mean.

CLOSE: Here we go again! Will Millard be able to escape the gorilla’s grip? Will the gorilla try and eat the other animals too? Find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF OCTOBER 08/09

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, all of the animals were scared after finding what appeared to be five giant footprints from an unknown creature! They all began thinking it was a terrible, nasty, filthy, dangerous creature – maybe even a creature who’s favorite food is MONKEYS!

CLOSE: Wow… an “everything must go” sale! Brilliant! It’s going to be a lot easier to run away from a terrifying giant-footed monster if you don’t have to carry all your belongings with you while you’re running! Come to think of it… you can advertise here on the radio station. Just call 555/555-1212… ask for (local Sales Manager)… and we’ll get you started! Oh yeah… and tune in next time, for As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

Ever heard of a football protest with pudding?

Tennessee Titans fan Clay Travis vows to eat nothing but pudding until the NFL allows broadcasts of his favorite team in the Caribbean.  Travis went to law school at Vanderbilt in Nashville, but now lives in the U.S. Virgin Islands and can’t watch his favorite team, the Titans.  The NFL doesn’t let the local sports bars televise games that are not being broadcast locally.  He knew that he wouldn’t be able to go on a complete hunger strike, so he decided to eat only pudding.  ***MARLAR: Yeah, that will show them!

TOP TEN

TOP TEN THINGS YOU DON’T LEARN IN SCHOOL

  • Rule 10: Life is not fair — get used to it!
  • Rule 9: The world won’t care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
  • Rule 8: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won’t be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.
  • Rule 7: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.
  • Rule 6: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping — they called it opportunity.
  • Rule 5: If you mess up, it’s not your parents’ fault, so don’t whine about your mistakes, learn from them.
  • Rule 4: Before you were born, your parents weren’t as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent’s generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.
  • Rule 3: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools they have abolished failing grades and they’ll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn’t bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
  • Rule 2: Life is not divided into semesters. You don’t get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.
  • Rule 1: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

You can call him The Birdman of Havana!

FILE #1: Carlos Rodriguez Avila could find himself perched behind bars after his alleged scheme to smuggle exotic birds into the United States failed. Carlos ruffled the feathers of customs officers when he arrived in Miami and was searched. Customs officials found 44 birds strapped to his legs under his pants. He was charged with unlawful importation and possession of birds and making false statements to customs officers. A number of the birds did not survive. Carlos faces up to 10 years in prison and a $500,000 fine if convicted on both counts.

FILE #2: Thousands of dollar bills stolen from a restaurant in California’s high desert could not have been more clearly marked: The Homestead had a tradition of customers writing messages on the currency and hanging it on the walls. Authorities allege that didn’t stop 34-year-old Donald Dejarnette from using some of the cash last week to pay for – of all things – a court fine. Kern County sheriff’s Sgt. Tyson Davis said a clerk immediately recognized the bills. Some even had “Homestead” written on them. Dejarnette and four others have been arrested on suspicion of taking $8,000 from the restaurant. About $1,000 has been recovered.

FILE #3: Authorities in Malaysia report two armed robbers didn’t plan ahead. The bandits had to leave behind nearly $800,000, because they didn’t have a big enough getaway car. Police say the robbers hijacked a security van with 1.3 million dollars inside. Authorities say the bandits also stole a compact car to make their escape. But a local police chief says they were stupid, because the car was small and money bags are big. Police are searching for the two bandits and are questioning security guards to find a possible inside man.

STRANGE LAW: In Houston, Texas it is illegal to sell Limburger cheese on Sunday.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

Ever wonder what would happen if you ignored those barricades they set up on the roadways to keep you from driving past them? One drunken man found out the hard way.

The Sheriff’s Department in Kent County, Mich., says that David Postma, 22, drove around barricades and heavy equipment to drive over a bridge. The problem was, the bridge was still under construction. Postma got half-way across by driving on the unpaved I- beams making up the bridge’s structure before his pickup truck dropped between two of the open beams, falling 35 feet to the ground below. Postma was critically injured and a passenger was in fair condition. A sheriff’s spokesman noted “alcohol was a factor” in the crash.

PHONER PHUN

How much weight did you gain during your biggest pregnancy? Smallest pregnancy? Prizes go to the one who gained the least amount of weight, and the one who gained the most during their pregnancies!

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Who is the only man mentioned in the Bible as being naturally bald?
ANSWER: Elisha (2 Kings 2:23)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: Who was the first U.S. President who’s name contained all the letters from the word “criminal?”

ANSWER: Richard Milhouse Nixon. William Jefferson Clinton is the 2nd.

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. Lightning strikes about 60,000 times per minute on this planet. (False – it’s closer to 6,000)

2. Q & Y are the only letters in the alphabet that do not appear in any of the names of the United States. (False – Q isn’t used in any of the states names, but Y is – New York!)

3. A newborn baby breathes five times faster than an adult man. (True.)

4. A red-haired man is more likely to go bald than anyone else. (True.)

5. The oldest business in the United States of America is a company that still makes buggy whips. (False – it’s the cymbal company Zildjian which was founded in Constantinople in 1623.)

6. The Hallux is the medical term for your thumb. (False – it referes to your big toe)

7. The only athletics event in which you have to go backwards to win is Tug-o-war. (True.)

8. Asia is the largest continent on Earth. (True – it counts for 29.5% of all the land on Earth.)

9. Lewis Carroll, the author of Alice in Wonderland, was an Oxford University lecturer in Mathematics. (True.)

10. In the UK it’s 999, in the US 911, but to call the emergency services in Australia, you’d dial 666. (False – you’d dial 000.)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

SUPER ________ CURES ALL WOUNDS! (HONEY)

A super honey has been produced that appears to cure all wounds and infections!

The bio-engineered product Surgihoney was tested on babies, new mothers, cancer patients and the elderly for over a year in Hampshire hospitals.

Wounds and ulcers, including those infected with the superbug MRSA, healed within days, while the number of women who suffered infections after giving birth by caesarean section has halved.

It has also healed the wounds of soldiers returning from Afghanistan, and been used to treat acne and to protect the skin of cancer patients fitted with a catheter for chemotherapy.

Dr Matthew Dryden, consultant microbiologist at the Hampshire Hospitals NHS Foundation Trust, said: ‘It will revolutionise wound care around the world.’

Honey has been used for its healing powers for thousands of years, although doctors favour penicillin and antibiotics.

However, Surgihoney, which is stored in 10g sachets, can kill bacteria, parasites and fungal infections while also encouraging wounds to heal.

Dr Dryden said: ‘I have conducted numerous laboratory tests and compared it with honeys from around the world.

‘I found Surgihoney better for treating every type of bug. So for the past year I have been using it on patients and the results have been amazing.

‘There are plenty of products that can kill bacteria but they often don’t help heal tissue.

‘Honey is a fantastic natural medicine. The important extra is that it kills the bugs but doesn’t damage the tissue.’

Surgihoney is being developed by Ian Staples, a businessman who once owned the Halfords motor accessories chain.

He bought an organic farm in southern Chile, set up beehives then funded scientific researchers in Ireland to identify the unique health elements.

The honey has been licensed  by the Medicines and Healthcare products Regulatory Authority in the UK but is not yet commercially available.

Originally reported by Valerie Elliott in The Daily Mail

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

“Give me a sentence about a public servant,” said a teacher.
The small boy wrote: “The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.”
The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. “Don’t you know what pregnant means?” she asked.
“Sure,” said the young boy confidently. “Means carrying a child.”

JOKE #2

A Father asked his young son why he thought he deserved a weekly allowance.

“Well, for one thing,” replied the lad, “I keep your wife occupied all day.”

JOKE #3

The truck driver looked suspiciously at the soup he had just been served in a backwoods eatery. It contained dark flecks of seasoning, but two of the spots were suspicious.

“Hey,” he called out to the waitress, “these particles in my soup – aren’t they foreign objects?” She is scrutinizing his bowl.

“No, sir!” she reassured him. “Those things live around here.”

USELESS FACTS

Authorities in Kasmir India have banned the use of the word “widow” in official records, saying the word adds to the woman’s depression. The say they will use the expression “wife of late” instead. ***Sounds to me like the authowities bwains are getting widower and widower.

Scientists have discovered that the Earth’s gravity is actually less in northern Canada.  ***So, does that mean I can move there and instantly weigh less?

At any time, about 0.7% of the world is drunk. So, roughly 50 million people are drunk right now. ***Wow, I guess it really IS always five o’clock somewhere!

FEATURED FUNNIES

An honest seven-year-old girl told her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class. “How did that happen?” gasped her mother.
“It wasn’t easy,” admitted the young lady, “but three girls helped me catch him.”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

Ever heard of “the baby diet”?

Claire Argo went to the doctor for back pain and left with a baby! The 27-year-old had no idea she was pregnant. In fact, she was on a diet and had lost some weight. Doctors soon realized that Claire had more than just back pain — she was in labor! A trip to the hospital and four hours later, she gave birth to a healthy 8lb 3oz baby boy.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

HELP WHEN YOU NEED IT – By Murray Lancaster

A little girl came home late for supper. Her mother made the expected irate parent’s demand to know where she had been.

The little girl replied that she had stopped to help Janie, whose bicycle was broken in a fall.

“But you don’t know anything about fixing bicycles,” her mother responded.

“I know that,” the girl said. “I just stopped to help her cry.”

Not many of us know anything about fixing bicycles, either. And when our friends have fallen and broken, not their bicycles but their lives, NONE of us knows how to fix that. We simply cannot “fix” someone else’s life, even though that’s what we would like most to do. But like the little girl, we can stop to help them cry. That is the best we can do. And that is a lot!

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

Simon Peter answered him, “Lord, to whom can we go? You have the words of eternal life. (John 6.68 NRSV)

There were once twelve men sitting on a jury to try a case. Eleven of these men were active farmers. The twelfth was a retired farmer. The eleven working farmers were for a verdict of guilty. The retired farmer was for a verdict of not guilty. It was necessary that the verdict be unanimous. The eleven jurors worked diligently trying to convince their retired colleague to switch to a guilty verdict. They were concerned about getting in their hay before a storm that had been forecast for later in the day. The retired juror, however, just sat looking out of the window at the dark rain clouds as they slowly approached. As precious time dragged on the eleven active farmers showed increasing signs of nervousness. Finally, at the first clap of thunder, they panicked and all changed their votes to not guilty. Faith is hanging in there when the day looks dark and the options are limited, because you know that somehow out there is coming the victory of God. Thus you place yourself in His hands and you say with Simon Peter: “Lord, to whom can we go? You have the words of eternal life…we have believed, and have come to know, that you are the Holy One of God.”

LEFTOVERS

Did you know that pastors tend to suffer from depression and anxiety more than the average American? According to The Clergy Health Initiative at Duke Divinity School, the depression rate among pastors was at 8.7 percent while the national ratio was 5.5 percent. Some of the stress contributors mentioned included dealing with numerous stressful situations, doubting their call, a sense of guilt over not doing enough, and feeling socially isolated.

LIFE… LIVE IT

10 SIGNS HE’S CRAZY ABOUT YOU

The list is for the women, but men can use the information to become better husbands and boyfriends!

  1. He calls for no reason

  2. He describes you to his friends

  3. He is nice to your friends

  4. He listens intently

  5. He’s punctual on dates

  6. He doesn’t scoff at your interest

  7. He doesn’t mention previous relationships

  8. He loves to talk to you

  9. He makes actual dates with you

  10. He puts how he feels into words

JUST FOR FUN

WILL YOU MARRY ME, STILL?

A man and woman decided to get married recently – but the court clerk told them it wasn’t necessary because they were still married!

Two love birds were saved from committing the crime of bigamy after a court clerk searched marriage records and discovered they were already hitched to each other. Georgina and Dale Beaver got married in 1982. Things didn’t work out, and they filed for divorce in 1992. They missed each other greatly though, so they started dating again in 1997, but split up once more in 1999.  In 2001 the on-again, off-again duo decided to give it one more try. They enjoyed each other’s company so much they decided to tie the knot again. But when they went to the courthouse in Carlise, PA, to get a marriage license, they learned their lawyers failed to complete the paper work on their nine-year-old divorce and they had been married all along. ***MARLAR: Whew… do you realize how many gifts that guy now owes his wife for the missed birthdays and wedding anniversaries?!

FUN LIST

WHAT DOCTORS SAY… WHAT THEY ARE REALLY THINKING

“This should be taken care of right away.”
I’d planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.

“Welllllll, what have we here…?”
He has no idea and is hoping you’ll give him a clue.

“Let me check your medical history.”
I want to see if you’ve paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.

“Why don’t we make another appointment later in the week.”
I’m playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time.
–or–
I need the bucks, so I’m charging you for another office visit.

“We have some good news and some bad news.”
The good news is, I’m going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you’re going to pay for it.

“Let’s see how it develops.”
Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.

“Let me schedule you for some tests.”
I have a forty percent interest in the lab.

“I’d like to have my associate look at you.”
He’s going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.

“I’d like to prescribe a new drug.”
I’m writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.

“If it doesn’t clear up in a week, give me a call.”
I don’t know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.

“That’s quite a nasty looking wound.”
I think I’m going to throw up.

“This may smart a little.”
Last week two patients bit off their tongues.

“Well, we’re not feeling so well today, are we…?”
I’m stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?

“This should fix you up.”
The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.

“Everything seems to be normal.”
Rats! I guess I can’t buy that new beach condo after all.

“I’d like to run some more tests.”
I can’t figure out what’s wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.

“There is a lot of that going around.”
My God, that’s the third one this week. I’d better learn something about this.

“If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment.”
I’ve never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank goodness I’m off next week!

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

BAD DRIVING IS IN THE FAMILY

You may have gotten your mom’s eyes or your dad’s temper, but what about their driving skills? A new study has suggested that bad driving is hereditary. Researchers at the Insurance Institute for Highway Safety in Virginia said that children of dangerous drivers had more accidents and more speeding fines than those of safe drivers. A childhood spent in the back seat of a recklessly driven car was likely to instill bad driving habits. If parents had three or more tickets for traffic offenses, such as speeding or driving through a red light, then their children were 38 per cent more likely to have broken traffic laws. According to the study, sons of reckless drivers were twice as likely to have broken traffic laws as daughters. ***MARLAR: The “How’s my driving” bumper stickers will now say, “blame my parents”.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

The former CEO of Mozilla, maker of the Firefox web browser, has designed a new browser. Brendan Eich was heavily shunned after it was revealed that he had donated $1,000 to California’s Proposition 8 bill, which defined marriage as the union between one man and one woman. Eich recently announced that he has released a new internet browser called Brave. Brave is different from other browsers because it has less ads and is less intrusive for the user. It allows users to browse the web without being intrusively tracked or being forced to deal with ads that inhibit web searches. http://dlvr.it/MMk2hk

The vast majority of Americans still identify as Christian. According to a new report by the Barna Group, Christianity also maintains an important place in American culture. Indicators as wide-ranging as church attendance, belief in God, and charitable giving show the pervasive influence of the Christian faith. Barna said that 73 percent of Americans labeled themselves as Christian in “The State of the Church 2016” published on September 15. Six percent of Americans said they followed another religion, and only 21 percent identified with “no faith” or were “not sure.” Barna also found that 55 percent of Americans had “attended a church service—with varying frequency—within the past six months.” http://ow.ly/V2RT304CDuJ

Pastors may soon have more freedom in the pulpit when it comes to preaching on politics and social issues without risking their churches’ tax exempt status. A coalition of Republican leaders and attorneys are pushing a measure that would restrict the enforcement of the Johnson Amendment, a law from the 1950s they believe was manipulated to violate pastors’ free speech and freedom of religion. The bill would prevent the IRS from using the Johnson Amendment to censor churches.  http://go.cbn.com/13142

Keep your enemies close especially when dieting. Believe it or not, having a KFC or Burger King down the block can be good for your waistline. Defying conventional wisdom, people are less likely to get fat if they live close to restaurants even fast food outlets. According to a recent study, people who live less than a half mile from any source of food including grocery and convenience stores are less likely to become obese. In fact, people who lived near a wide variety of food stores and restaurants “were 10 percent less likely to become obese,” say researchers at the University of Utah. “Having multiple food destinations within waling distance encourages you to walk, rather than drive, to your next meal,” says study co-author Cathleen Zick. The study shows that cities are making a mistake when they ban fast food outlets from neighborhoods, say researchers. Instead, each neighborhood should have a wide range of food outlets, including full service restaurants and grocery stores that promote healthy fare.

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

If you love someone, set them free — then if they come back to you, you’ll know it was truly meant to be. If they don’t come back, though, it’s best to keep calling every couple of days, you know, just to see if they were trying to return but maybe got hit by a bus or something. –Michael Whitmire

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

SEPTEMBER 30, 2016…

Queen Of Kawte—Here is an inspirational true story of a young girl from Uganda, Phiona Mutesi (played by Madina Nahwanga)  who learns the game of chess and becomes  proficient and a winner.  Also in the cast  are David Oweloyo and Lupita Nyong.  “Queen Of Kawte” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for chess fans.

Deepwater Horizon—Remember the gigantic fire on board an oil rig about 6 years ago? Here is the cinema story that stars Mark Wahlberg, Gina Rodriguez and Kurt Russell. What started it?  How to fight it?  Heroism? Ecological disaster? It unfolds before you. “Deepwater Horizon” is rated R. Rating of 2 for disaster film fans.

Masterminds—Zach Galifianakis is an armored truck driver.  His work partner is Kristen Wiig, along with someone on the other side of the law (Owen Wilson) and they try to pull off a robbery. Hmm. “Masterminds” is rated R. No rating.

Miss Peregrine’s Home For Peculiar Children—After reading this first book in the book series by Ransom Riggs, they caught my attention.  There are now several books in this series of children with unusual abilities who use time as their ally. Tim Burton directs. The children live on a secluded island, and the main character is played by Asa Butterfield. Samuel L. Jackson is the villain. My favorite is the girl who needs weighted shoes so she doesn’t float away. “Miss Peregrine’s Home For Peculiar Children” is rated PG 13. Rating of 3 for fans of the books.

Denial—Timothy Spall plays David Irving in this real life story of a man who doesn’t believe the Holocaust happened.  Deborah Lipstadt (played by Rachel Weisz) is going to prove, in court, that the Holocaust did happen.  Quite a court case. “Denial” is rated R. Rating of 2.

OCTOBER 07, 2016…

The Birth Of A Nation is Nate Parker’s film about a slave uprising in the early 1800’s.

The Girl On The Train  is adapted from the best selling novel by Paula Hawkins. Stars Emily Blunt.

The 13th is a documentary on the U.S. prison system.

Middle School: The Worst Years Of My Life combines some animation with real life in dealing with a boy’s adventures in Middle School.

Voyage of Time (documentary) is narrated by Cate Blanchett and explores the past of Planet Earth. Beautiful photography.

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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.