October 06, 2016: Thursday ONAIRprep

***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS – FREE TO AIR! (Need to receive this earlier than when it’s posted? Get FTP access and receive a fully-produced version FREE with a customized tag specifically for your station or show! Contact me with your ONAIRprep username for details!)

AND NOW… ON WITH THE SHOW!

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20161006

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Welcome to another episode of (THE JOCK SHOW), with great music, fun, and (four) hours of me sitting here wondering what the boss meant when he said it would be good for my image if I got out of the business.

You know it’s going to be a long day when you’re already exhausted from brushing your teeth.

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Galatians 6:9

The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom, and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding. –Proverbs 9:10

Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. — Matthew 6:33

You alone are the LORD. You made the heavens, even the highest heavens, and all their starry host, the earth and all that is on it, the seas and all that is in them. You give life to everything, and the multitudes of heaven worship you. — Nehemiah 9:6

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

[Moses reminds the Israelites of his reaction to seeing the golden calf by saying,] “So I took the two tablets and threw them out of my hands, breaking them to pieces before your eyes.” — Deuteronomy 9:17

Thought: Anger, frustration, disappointment, and loss of self-control have sunk many of God’s greatest leaders. Leading can sometimes be a horribly disappointing task. Yet God’s people would perish without strong leaders full of godly conviction. Despite the failure of some of our leaders and the perils that can beset those who choose to lead, leadership is as honorable as it is vital! Where would Israel have been without Moses or Joshua or Hezekiah or David…? So if the Lord is calling you to lead, don’t accept his invitation lightly, but please, accept it! If you are not a leader, please remember to pray for your leaders and their families.

Prayer: Holy LORD, please bless your Church with leaders of great faith, courage, endurance, and integrity. Bless us with courage to answer you when you call us through our leaders to serve you. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

Jeremiah 10:6 NIV = No one is like you, O LORD; you are great, and your name is mighty in power.

TODAY IS THURSDAY – OCTOBER 06, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
81 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is NATIONAL NOODLE DAY. ***Nothing special about it, I just think “noodle” is a funny word.

This is NATIONAL CARRY A TUNE WEEK, a time to play and sing old songs to keep them alive. ***As if you want “MacArthur Park” running through your mind all day.

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

American Libraries Day

Ecological Debt Day

Jackie Mayer Rehab Day

Mad Hatter Day

National German-American Day

National Depression Screening Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below.)

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 07

Lee’s National Denim Day

National Diversity Day

National Personal Safety Day

World Smile Day

You Matter To Me Day

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 08

Alvin C. York Day

Fall Astronomy Day

National Motorcycle Ride Day

National Pierogy Day

Universal Music Day

World Octopus Day

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 09

Clergy Appreciation Day

Leif Erikson Day

National Chess Day

National Pro-Life Cupcake Day

Nautilus Day (Cephalopods)

World Post Day

MONDAY, OCTOBER 10

Columbus Day

International Day for Natural Disaster Reduction

International Newspaper Carrier Day

International Stage Management Day

National Handbag Day

National Kick Butt Day

Native American Day

Naval Academy Day

Squid & Cuttlefish Day

World Day Against The Death Penalty

World Homeless Day

World Mental Health Day

World Porridge Day

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 11

Ada Lovelace Day

General Pulaski Memorial Day

International Day of the Girl

Myths & Legends Day for All Fantasy Movie, Books and Legends Cephalopods

National Face Your Fears Day

National Food Truck Day

Southern Food Heritiage Day

Yom Kippur

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 12

National Online Banking Day

Columbus Day

Day of the Six Billion

Drink Local Wine Day

Emergency Nurses Day

Free Thought Day

National Bring Your Teddy Bear To Work and School Day

International Top Spinning Day

National Fossil Day

National Take Your Parents To Lunch Day

S.A.V.E. (Stop America’s Violence Everywhere)

Spanish Language Day

Stop Bullying Day

World Arthritis Day

International Moment of Frustration Scream Day

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 13

English Language Day

International Day for Disaster Reduction

International African Penguin Awareness Day

International Day for Failure

Metastatic Breast Cancer Awareness Day

National Chess Day

Navy Birthday

National No Bra Day

Silly Sayings Day

World Sight Day

ON THIS DAY

1866: History’s first disc jockey, Reginald Fessenden, was born in Milton, Quebec. In December 1906 Reg broadcast the world’s first public program of music and voice from atop a transmitter tower in Brant Rock, Massachusetts to ships at sea. He then got stuck in the tower and had to be stripped and greased to get down.

1880: The Cincinnati Reds were kicked out of the National League for selling beer. Two years later the Reds represented the new “Beer and Whiskey League” American Association and beat the National League champ Chicago White Stockings in what some call the first World Series.

1927: The era of talking pictures began with the opening of “The Jazz Singer,” a movie starring Al Jolson that featured both silent and talking scenes.

1967: Hippies in San Francisco’s Haight-Ashbury district conducted a funeral to mark the official death of hippies.

1976: A gold record was awarded to Memphis deejay Rick Dees and His Cast of Idiots for his “Disco Duck.”

1993: Burglar Craig Dodsworth couldn’t open the cash register at a drugstore in Barnsley, England, so he took the register home with him. Investigating police quickly realized the register tape had unraveled, and followed the paper to Dodsworth’s apartment about 75 yards away.

1996: The London tabloid The People reported “reliable” information that Elvis had faked his death in 1977 and run off with a secret girlfriend named Maria. The tabloid said Elvis had paid a dying man to have plastic surgery to become his double, to die at Graceland, and be buried in Elvis’s place.

2002: A worker at a McDonald’s in New Jersey stopped a robbery by using the drive-through window intercom to alert a police officer who had stopped for an iced tea. The officer radioed for backup then entered the restaurant through a back door. The bandits ran out the front but were later captured.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1520: German reformer Martin Luther, 36, published “Prelude on the Babylonian Captivity of the Church,” his famous writing which attacked the entire sacramental system of the Catholic Church.

1552: Birth of Matteo Ricci, an Italian Jesuit who was sent as a missionary to China in 1583. His complete adoption of Chinese customs raised the issue of the limits of “accommodation” to other cultures, in the preaching of the gospel.

1683: A band of religious refugees from Krefield, Germany came ashore at Philadelphia — the first Mennonites to arrive in North America. Their pastor, F. Daniel Pastorius, was considered by many the most learned man in America at the time.

1899: B.H. Irwin began issuing “Live Coals of Fire,” official publication of the Fire Baptized Holiness Association of America. Organized in 1898, the denomination was comprised of former Methodists, Quakers and River Brethren.

1982: In his daily radio broadcast, American Bible expositor Derek Prince declared: ‘God accepts responsibility for the maintenance of his appointed temple — our body.’

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actress (The Saint, The Karate Kid, Adventures in Babysitting, Hollow Man, Hide & Seek, Dreamer: Inspired By a True Story) Elisabeth Shue 53

  • actress (1973’s The Wicker Man, Mary Goodnight from the 007 movie The Man With The Golden Gun) Britt Ecklund 74

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1926 : Cyril Reuben

1945 : Robin Shaw (The Flowerpot Men)

1946 : Millie Small

1947 : Bob Weir (Grateful Dead)

1949 : Thomas McClary (The Commodores)

1949 : Bobby Farrell (Boney M)

1951 : Kevin Cronin (REO Speedwagon)

1951 : Gavin Sutherland (The Sutherland Brothers)

1954 : David Hidalgo (Los Lobos)

1964 : Matthew Sweet

1966 : Tommy Stinson (The Replacements)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

What exactly is “Plum Pudding?”

For hundreds of years spicy pies, fruity puddings and rich pastries have been traditional Christmas favorites. Plum pudding has been one of those favorite Christmas desserts. It began in medieval England as ‘plum soup.’ Mutton stock and fruits, including prunes were combined into a thick soup. The prunes gave the ‘dessert’ its name.

By the 16th Century the soup had been enriched into a pie including meat and suet which was cooked in a rectangular mold to represent the manger of the Christ child. The Christmas pie made its way into the Nursery Rhyme about “Little Jack Horner.” The legend was that eating a piece of this ‘plum pie’ at Christmas would ensure good luck throughout the coming year.
The Puritans thought such food was too rich and impious. They outlawed the Christmas pie. The general populace was not happy with is arrangement. They were cheated out of their favorite Christmas dessert. They started to make the pie into a different shape. The Christmas pie was now round and it was called “Minc’d pie.”
By the 18th Century the Christmas pie was often made without pastry. Thus the Christmas pie was transformed into plum pudding. The plum pudding of today has come a long way from a plum pie once baked for Henry VII. His chef used two bushels of flour, 24 pounds of butter and eight kinds of meat in preparing his Christmas pie. The huge nine feet long pie weighed 165 pounds and was wheeled to the table on a cart.

Sources include: The LIFE Book of Christmas. Webb Garrison
The New Shell Book of Firsts , Patrick Robertson
The Great American Almanac, Irena Chalmers

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving three days a week from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

You can now purchase tickets for Tobymac’s Hits Deep Tour 2017 and help a good cause. The long time Christian artist announced this week that tickets allowing you to sit on the front row and also meet Tobymac are now available for auction on ebay. All proceeds from the sale will benefit New Hope Academy.

http://bit.ly/ebaytmac.

Another video journal is now available from Tenth Avenue North front man Mike Donehey. The video tells the story behind the song I Have This Hope.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ppy91cTHYJ4&feature=youtu.be

A new CD and DVD combo from TobyMac is in the works. The longtime Christian artist recently recorded a live show in Louisiana. It’s being put together and mastered and will be available on November 18th.

Britt Nicole was recently asked on Twitter if she had ever thought about doing a duet with Mandisa. While Britt Nicole has yet to respond, Mandisa clearly thinks it’s a good idea. She replied to the question: Actually Britt…I need to speak to you about this very thing!

@ColtonDixon Colton Dixon has been working on new songs this week. He says writing the songs has made him ask: which song from my previous albums has impacted you most?

For King and Country’s Joel Smallbone made a quick trip home for a very good reason. His wife, fellow artist Moriah Peters, was celebrating her 24th birthday. Joel reminisced as he boarded a red-eye flight back to Nashville: I gotta tell you, I’m so proud of her. She continues to exude such grace, courage, joy, faith, charisma and true love, even during a year of trials and hardships and unknowns… Pretty awesome that I get to be the shoulder she leans on!

Jamie Grace wants to hear your story. However, there is one requirement. She says your crazy story that actually happened in your life has to fit in one tweet.  You can tag Jamie with your story @JamieGraceH.

Jonny Diaz posted this week after reading about the Trump tax return controversy: I have a confession. I take advantage of whatever laws I can to make sure I pay as little taxes as possible. Guess that makes me corrupt?

A bit of trivia about Casting Crowns. Three nannys are traveling with the band on their The Very Next Thing Tour and all three of them are named Hannah.

A new book from former Addison Road lead singer Jenny Simmons is now available. The book Made Well released on Tuesday. It’s Jenny’s second book since the band broke up.

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. As on ONAIRprep subscriber, you can get a fully-produced, customized version of the Daily Dose of Weird News FREE with a station or show specific tag! Email darren@onairprep.com for details!)

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

The first laundry sorting and folding robot goes on sale in Japan next year. They are calling it Laundroid.  ***Although the way that sounds outloud, it should be doing lawn work too.

Edie Simms now has a rap sheet. The 102 years old was recently arrested at her retirement home. However, her crime is still unclear. One of the items on the St. Louis woman’s bucket list was to be arrested. The St. Louis Metropolitan Police were happy to oblige, so a group of officers put a cheerful Simms in handcuffs on Sept. 30 and escorted her to the Senior Center in the back of a squad car. After her first ride as an outlaw, Simms decided to swear off a life of crime. Instead, she joined the rest of the senior center residents for a game of bingo. http://on.today.com/2dGG8Cu

According to the FBI, gun sales are up for the 17th consecutive month and so far, they’re up 27% over last year. ***Way to go, liberals – your anti-gun rhetoric is working wonders!

In Davis Virginia, a 13-year-old middle school student has been arrested for allegedly reaching out to a clown on social media to kill her teacher! The female student attended Davis Middle School where security was beefed up in the wake of the threats. The girl is alleged to have contacted a social media user whose avatar was a clown with hopes that the person would kill her teacher. Authorities were reportedly notified about the threat on Sunday immediately contacted the teacher in question. The girl has been charged with threatening to kill via electronic message. ***Wait… you can kill via electronic message?  So then why isn’t it considered assault if someone pokes me on Facebook?

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

Severe obesity can cut lives short by up to 14 years. That’s according to a study by the U.S. National Cancer Institute.  The study found people who were considered severely obese can die much earlier due to the increased risks of heart disease, cancer, diabetes and other diseases. The study is based on 20 studies from the United States, Sweden and Australia over the course of 30 years.  ***According to this study, I died last Tuesday.

When asked “Who would play you in a movie about your life?” most Americans selected Tom Hanks and Julia Roberts as their choices for the lead roles. Other top choices included Denzel Washington, Clint Eastwood, Bruce Willis, Meg Ryan, Halle Berry, Sandra Bullock and Meryl Streep.  *** Or, in my case, comedian Louie Anderson.

 A recent study says that Chicago has one of the most unpredictable commutes in the country. ***Ain’t that the truth!  During your commute you never know whether you’ll be dodging rain, snow or bullets!

A recent study finds that liquids make up 22 percent of calories in the average American’s diet. Is that good, or bad? Well, the problem is most Americans only count the calories they get from solid foods — which means we’re not aware of how calories are sneaking into our diet.  ***ou mean all the veggie trays I ate last Christmas mean nothing because I washed them down with a vat of eggnog?  Well, that doesn’t seem fair…

WONDER WOMAN (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Abbreviated”

DAILY COMEDY CLIP (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Jeff Allen, “Flying DELTA”

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THURSDAY’S EPISODE


OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, after thinking that the giant gorilla might just want to be friends (rather than eat the animals one at a time) they decided to go back to the footprints. Millard wasn’t too keen on the idea, seeing as he was almost made a meal of the last time, but they went back anyway. And suddenly…

CLOSE: So making friends with the gorilla didn’t work… will the animals try again to sell all of their possessions and move out of the jungle? Will they ever stop running and being scared? Tune in again next time to find out… As the Jungle Turns!

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF OCTOBER 08/09

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, all of the animals were scared after finding what appeared to be five giant footprints from an unknown creature! They all began thinking it was a terrible, nasty, filthy, dangerous creature – maybe even a creature who’s favorite food is MONKEYS!

CLOSE: Wow… an “everything must go” sale! Brilliant! It’s going to be a lot easier to run away from a terrifying giant-footed monster if you don’t have to carry all your belongings with you while you’re running! Come to think of it… you can advertise here on the radio station. Just call 555/555-1212… ask for (local Sales Manager)… and we’ll get you started! Oh yeah… and tune in next time, for As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

Do we really need a device that will call for another beer for you – so you don’t have to?

A beer mat that calls for a refill when the pint is almost empty has been invented by scientists in Germany.  The electronic beer mat was created by computer scientists Andreas Butz of the University of Munich and Michael Schmitz of Saarland University.  The mat uses pressure and acceleration sensors that react to the weight of the glass and the position and movement of the coasters.  The micro sensors then pass on this information via radio link to the bar, where the signal is picked up and decoded by a waiting computer.  ***MARLAR: If you are too impatient to wait for a refill, or are unable to ask the waiter yourself for one, is that not a pretty good indicator already that you’ve had too much to drink?

TOP TEN

TOP TEN WAYS TO KNOW YOUR INTERNET CONNECTION IS SLOW

Text on Web pages displays as Morse Code

Graphics arrive via FedEx

You believe a heavier string might improve your connection

You post a message to your favorite newsgroup and it displays a week later

Your credit card expires while ordering online

ESPN Web site exhibits “Heisman Trophy Winner” …for 1989

You’re still in the middle of downloading that popular new game, “PacMan”

Everyone you talk to on the ‘net phone’ sounds like Forrest Gump

You receive e-mails with stamps on them

When you click the “Send” button, a little door opens on the side of your monitor and a pigeon flies out.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

A love of word games can sometimes pay off in your career… especially if you’re a prison guard!

FILE #1: While reviewing inmate mail at the St. Lucie County Jail, a deputy came across a letter written in a code made up completely of symbols, dashes and asterisks. A crossword junkie and hangman game lover, Debra Wesley couldn’t resist. About 90 minutes later, she had figured out that the letter was written and signed by inmate Robert A. Heike, and that he wanted an outside accomplice to toss a tote bag containing a pair of wire cutters, a change of clothes and a garbage bag into the jail’s recreation yard. When authorities confronted Heike with the letter, he was dumbfounded. He exclaimed, “It took me four years to create this code! You solved it in an hour and a half?” ***MARLAR: Hey… he’s in prison. He obviously wasn’t that bright to begin with!

FILE #2: A St. Paul, Minnesota woman wanted the FBI to help her locate her boyfriend so she could get her car back. So she made up a story that he was a terrorist planning on planting bombs around the Mall of America. Her story was discovered as a fraud, and according to the FBI, it’s no longer relevant whether she has the car back or not considering she won’t be needing it for a while.

FILE #3: Paul Stansel was severely fined for failing to show up in court by Judge Paul Stansel! That’s right, Stansel fined himself! The Alabama judge fined himself half a month’s salary after finding himself in contempt of court. He said he forgot it was his day in court, and “I don’t think judges are above the law. I gave myself twice the fine I would normally give somebody for missing court.”

STRANGE LAW: In LeFors, Texas, it is illegal to take more than three swallows of beer while standing.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

A State College, Pennsylvania, man faces additional charges after showing up for a court hearing on charges of public drunkenness and disorderly conduct with a loaded gun. A police officer found the weapon when the 22-year-old man arrived for a hearing. The man was arraigned on new charges including possession of a firearm in a court facility. He was taken to jail in lieu of $10,000 cash bail.

PHONER PHUN

If you ran for political office, what would your slogan be?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Who was the left-handed judge?

ANSWER: Ehud (Judges 3:15)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: What do American actor Jack Nicholson, and American singer Bobby Darrin have in common?

ANSWER: They were both raised believing their grandmothers were their mothers and their mothers were their older sisters.

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. According to math experts, a deck of playing cards must be shuffled at least seven times to adequately randomize the cards. (TRUE)

2. The invention that made Alfred Nobel, benefactor of the Nobel Prizes, so wealthy was chewing gum. (FALSE: it was Dynamite)

3. The waterbed was invented by the ancient Chinese. (FALSE: it was invented in 1832 by Scottish surgeon Neil Arnott as a way of improving patients’ comfort.)

4. Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone to help his wife. (TRUE: His wife was deaf, so was his mother. He was originally an instructor for deaf children)

5. Clara Peller made the catch-phrase “Gag Me With a Spoon” popular in the 1980s. (FALSE: Clara Peller appeared in commercials for Wendy’s and made the phrase “Where’s the beef?” popular.)

6. The loose skin hanging from the neck of a chicken is known as a “Wattle”. (TRUE: That’s wattle with two “T”s. Waddle with two “D”s is the way a duck walks!)

7. Over half the cost of every bottle of beer sold in America goes to state and federal taxes. (FALSE: but it’s still high at 43%)

8. It takes a lobster seven years to grow to be one pound! (TRUE: No wonder they’re so expensive!)

9. Most people in China don’t eat cheese. (TRUE: it’s just not a big thing over there)

10. In the classic arcade video game PacMan, logs floating in a river sometimes mysteriously turned into hungry alligators. (FALSE: That’s a description of Frogger)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

ANCIENT IRISH _________ (ZOMBIES)

IRELAND – Archaeologists in Ireland unearthed two 8th-century skeletons buried with stones stuck into their mouths. Proof of Medieval zombies.

The stones were placed in their mouths so that they wouldn’t “rise” up.   Historians have long believe that zombies roamed the earth in Medieval Times and this is now proof of that fact.

Bodies identified as revenants or the “walking dead” tended to be people who had lived as outsiders.

This 8th-century skeleton was found in Ireland recently with a large stone shoved in its mouth.

Two early medieval skeletons were unearthed recently in Ireland with large stones wedged into their mouths — evidence, archaeologists say, that it was feared the individuals would rise from their graves like zombies.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers.
“As I’m sure you can understand,” she started off with one of the first applicants, “in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question.” She leaned forward. “Mr. Peterson, are you an ‘honest’ lawyer?”
“Honest?” replied the job prospect. “Let me tell you something about honest.  I’m so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case.”
“Impressive. And what sort of case was that?”
“He sued me for the money.”

JOKE #2

A teacher asked her students to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Marta said, “My family went to the Louisville Zoo, and it was fascinating to see all the animals.”

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted the word ‘fascinate.'”

Sarita raised her hand. She said, “My family went to the Cincinnati Zoo and I was fascinated by the animals.”

“That’s good, too,” said the teacher, “but I wanted the word ‘fascinate.'”

Little Billy raised his hand and said proudly, “My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but it is so small she can only fasten eight.”

JOKE #3

A farmer from back in the hills walked twelve miles, one way, to the general store.

“Heya, Wilbur,” said Sam, the store owner. “Tell me, are you and Myrtle still making fires up there by rubbing stones and flint together?”

“You betcha, Sam. Ain’t no ‘tother way. Why?”

“Got something to show you. Something to make fire. It’s called a ‘Match’.”

“‘Match’? Never heard of it.”

“Watch this. If you want a fire you just do this,” Sam says, taking a match and striking it on his pants.”

“Huh. Well, that’s something, but that ain’t for me, Sam.” “Well, why not?”

“I can’t be walking twelve miles to borrow your pants every time I want a fire.”

USELESS FACTS

The new Oxford Dictionary of English reveals that the English language has 30 terms for insane people but only half a dozen terms for people who aren’t crazy.  ***But think about it.  Anyone who’s ever driven downtown would have to agree, that’s about the right ratio of crazy vs. sane.

Hair will fall out faster on a person that is on a crash diet.  ***Boy does that mess you up getting ready for your high school reunion!  Now you have to decide whether you’d rather show up fat or bald!

FEATURED FUNNIES

THE DIPLOMATIC POLITICIAN

Politicians have a constant need to be diplomatic. Witness this candidate for the Senate who traveled to a small town community to address the single church there. Unfortunately, he had forgotten to ask which denomination so that when it was time for his speech, he inquired in this way… “My brethren, all. I must tell you that my great Grandfather was Presbyterian (absolute silence); but my Grandmother was an Episcopalian (more silence); I must tell you that my other Grand- father was a Christian Scientist (deep silence); while my other Grandmother was Methodist (continued silence). I must also tell you that I had an aunt who was a Baptist through and through (loud cheers!) and I have always considered my aunt’s path to be the right one!”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

PLEASE DON’T LET THIS HAPPEN TO ME
A 38-year-old Washington State man had been complaining of dizziness, loss of balance and shooting pains in his head when he went to the doctor to find out what the problem was. After taking a CAT scan, doctors discovered a 2-inch snail in his head! Apparently when Sam Muriko was taking a nap outdoors, the snail crawled into his ear and it grew to a point where it couldn’t get out. Muriko was quickly taken to a nearby hospital to have the snail removed.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

IF GOD SHOULD GO ON STRIKE
How is it that God above
Has never gone on strike
Because he was not treated fair
In things He didn’t like.

If only once He’d given up,
And said, ‘That’s it, I’m through!
I’ve had enough of those on earth,
So this is what I’ll do;

I’ll give my orders to the sun –
‘Cut off the heat supply!’
And to the moon – ‘Give no more
Light, and run the ocean dry.’

Then just to make things really tough
And put the pressures on,
‘Turn off the vital oxygen
Till every breath is gone!’

You know, He would be justified
If fairness was the game.
For no one has been abused
Or met with more disdain

Than God, any yet He carries on
Supplying you and me
With all the favors of His grace
And everything for free.

Men say they want a better deal
And so on strike they go.
But what a deal we’ve given
To God to whom all things we owe.

We don’t care whom we hurt
To gain the things we like.
But what a mess we’d all be in
If God should go on strike!!

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

THE ROLE OF INTERCESSION

Coming over to us, he [Agabus] took Paul’s belt, tied his own hands and feet with it and said, “The Holy Spirit says, ‘In this way the Jews of Jerusalem will bind the owner of this belt and will hand him over to the Gentiles.’ ” When we heard this, we and the people there pleaded with Paul not to go up to Jerusalem. – (Acts 21:11-12)

In my own personal spiritual pilgrimage, God has allowed me to come into relationship with those in the Body of Christ who are called to a greater level of intercessory prayer. God calls each of us to be intercessory prayer warriors, but there are individuals in the Body of Christ who are called to be frontline warriors and who are more skilled in the

area of intercession. These individuals often can have a gift of prophecy as part of their intercessory anointing. Such appears to be the case of Agabus in the Book of Acts.

Agabus seems to have received a word from God, and by way of a physical demonstration, tied his belt around Paul to let him know that he would be bound in Jerusalem if he went to this city. Agabus and the others immediately drew a conclusion that he was not to go to Jerusalem. Paul disagreed and proceeded to Jerusalem where he was, in fact, bound and beaten after giving testimony to the people and religious leaders of Jerusalem.
God calls intercessors to the role of seeing. He calls leaders to the role of interpreting actions. God allows intercessors to see a more complete picture. However, actions are never left for the intercessors to determine. Conversely, leaders need to get the spiritual picture of what they are dealing with. This is why they need gifted intercessors. They must not make the mistake of believing they can see the entire picture without the intercessors. Once they have the intercessors’ insights, they must determine the right course of action. This is their role. Conflicts arise when either tries to fulfill both roles.

Paul knew he was to go to Jerusalem, even if it meant being beaten. He did go and was beaten. However, we sense that he made the right decision based on Jesus’ comments to him in Acts chapter 23, verse 11: “The following night the Lord stood near Paul and said, ‘Take courage! As you have testified about Me in Jerusalem, so you must also testify in Rome.’ ”
Pray that God will bring intercessors and leaders into your life. He wants you to have a complete picture of the situations you face each day and to know the actions necessary for fulfilling His will for your life.

LEFTOVERS

A TAXING SITUATION

A Canadian doctor has a unique excuse as to why she doesn’t pay her taxes.

…she says that she has a phobia that prevents her from being able to fill tax forms. Dr. Diane Deveau phobia has gotten her in trouble with the law though. Deveau has compiled 10 convictions for failing to fill out her tax returns and has been sentenced to 90 days of house arrest. Her lawyer Greg Barro said, “It doesn’t make any sense. She just couldn’t bring herself to file.” Judge Robert Prince ordered the 53-year-old woman to undergo a mental health examination after a pre-trial psychiatric report showed she might suffer from the phobia.

More odd phobias:

1) Pupaphobia — Fear of puppets

2) Lachanophobia — Fear of vegetables

3) Rhytiphobia — Fear of getting wrinkles

4) Automatonophobia — Fear of a Ventriloquist’s dummy

5) Neophobia — Fear of anything new

6) Peladophobia — Fear of bald people

LIFE… LIVE IT

FLU HUMIDITY

It turns out that Grandma may have been right about keeping a teakettle warming on the stove in winter to moisten the air.

Studies of seasonal influenza have long found indications that flu spreads better in dry air. Research being published in Proceedings of the National Academy of Science indicates that the key is the absolute humidity which measures the amount of water present in the air, regardless of temperature – not the more commonly reported relative humidity. Relative humidity varies depending on air temperature; absolute humidity doesn’t. The correlation with flu and low humidity is important because in cold winter weather, when flu is most common, even a high relative humidity reading may indicate little actual moisture in the air, and the less moisture there is, the happier the flu virus seems to be. Still, overdoing the moisture can cause other problems, like mold.

JUST FOR FUN

PROM DECA-DATES

Most boys have a tough time handling one girl at a time.  Can you imagine dating ten – on the same night?

When you are the senior class president and there are 10 girls that you would like to go to the homecoming dance with, how do you ever make up your mind? Well, if you are Zak Davis from Eugene, Oregon – you don’t. Zak couldn’t make up his mind, so he invited them all, and they all accepted! The summer camp counselor, drama student and all-around good guy decided to ask the group of girls to be his dates, so one by one, he approached them in the halls of the school to ask if each would be his date and all the girls said “yes”.  ***MARLAR: I’d hate to be Zak though when all of the girls find out about all of the girls.

FUN LIST

THINGS YOU DON’T WANT TO HEAR FROM A GUY AT STARBUCKS…

  • “We ran out of coffee filters, so I’m using one of my old undershirts.”

  • “Let me make sure that’s not too hot.”

  • “You know, I licked every one of these stirrers.”

  • “One Decaf Venti Skim Mocachino Latte — that’ll be 57 dollars.”

  • “If I catch any of you people going into a Dunkin’ Donuts for coffee, I’ll break your legs!”

  • “Some whipped cream for you… and some whipped cream for me.”

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

MONEY CAN’T BUY YOU HAPPINESS

Is it true that the best that the best things in life are free? Or does money buy you happiness? A recent study found that money is not the key to happiness and fulfillment. The Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that feeling independent, competent and confident came ahead of wealth. Psychologist Dr. Kennon Sheldon who led the study at the University of Missouri in Columbia, said, “Owning a Porsche will provide feelings of pleasure but only for a short time.” ***MARLAR: If it would make rich people feel better, I would be happy to take their Porsche off their hands.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

When you’re hungry, you should honor your body and eat, right? So if, let’s say you have dinner around 6pm, and then by the time it’s 9pm and you’re calling it a night, you decide to hammer down the rest of the leftovers still sort of warm in the fridge? You’ll fill up, put yourself in a much-needed food coma to knock you out for hours and wake up feeling refreshed. Well, while all that sounds great, there’s one elephant in the room: weight gain. Kelly Allison of the University of Pennsylvania explains, “Studies tend to show that when food is consumed late at night — anywhere from after dinner to outside a person’s typical sleep/wake cycle — the body is more likely to store those calories as fat and gain weight rather than burn it as energy.”  So if you’re the type of person who feels the need to make a PB&J after hours, you should think again, especially if you’re concerned about weight gain.

A Christian School is going to Court to Defend a 30-Second Pregame Prayer. According to Christian Headlines, Last December the Florida High School Athletic Association refused to allow a private Christian school to deliver a pregame prayer over a loudspeaker before a championship football game. In late September Cambridge Christian School filed a federal lawsuit against the FHSAA alleging they unlawfully censored the prayer and violated the players’ religious freedoms. http://dlvr.it/MMNyS2

Brennan Brechard, director of basketball operations at the University of Kansas, drained a half-court shot and head coach Bill Self wrote a $10,000 check. Alone, that feat is impressive. What’s even more incredible, though, was that it happened for the second year in a row. According to Mashable.com, At Kansas’ annual preseason event, two students are randomly chosen from the crowd for a chance to win $10,000 from Self. They can either take the shot themselves, or select someone else. Sophomore Jordan Stiers clearly liked the look of Brechard’s shot last year, and selected the former Kansas player. Stiers told The Kansas City Star that she plans to give the $10,000 to her grandmother, who saved her from foster care at age 10 and offered to raise four of Stiers’ siblings.  Read more of the story and see the shot being made at http://on.mash.to/2dnZL0c.

Today (October 6) is “Bring Your Bible to School Day”. The student-led movement is designed to inform students of the freedoms they have in their local school. Focus on the Family is offering a free how-to guide for students, parents, and church leaders.  http://bit.ly/2cVaQ6M

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Snakes are God’s way of saying: Hey, look! A snake!

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

SEPTEMBER 30, 2016…

Queen Of Kawte—Here is an inspirational true story of a young girl from Uganda, Phiona Mutesi (played by Madina Nahwanga)  who learns the game of chess and becomes  proficient and a winner.  Also in the cast  are David Oweloyo and Lupita Nyong.  “Queen Of Kawte” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for chess fans.

Deepwater Horizon—Remember the gigantic fire on board an oil rig about 6 years ago? Here is the cinema story that stars Mark Wahlberg, Gina Rodriguez and Kurt Russell. What started it?  How to fight it?  Heroism? Ecological disaster? It unfolds before you. “Deepwater Horizon” is rated R. Rating of 2 for disaster film fans.

Masterminds—Zach Galifianakis is an armored truck driver.  His work partner is Kristen Wiig, along with someone on the other side of the law (Owen Wilson) and they try to pull off a robbery. Hmm. “Masterminds” is rated R. No rating.

Miss Peregrine’s Home For Peculiar Children—After reading this first book in the book series by Ransom Riggs, they caught my attention.  There are now several books in this series of children with unusual abilities who use time as their ally. Tim Burton directs. The children live on a secluded island, and the main character is played by Asa Butterfield. Samuel L. Jackson is the villain. My favorite is the girl who needs weighted shoes so she doesn’t float away. “Miss Peregrine’s Home For Peculiar Children” is rated PG 13. Rating of 3 for fans of the books.

Denial—Timothy Spall plays David Irving in this real life story of a man who doesn’t believe the Holocaust happened.  Deborah Lipstadt (played by Rachel Weisz) is going to prove, in court, that the Holocaust did happen.  Quite a court case. “Denial” is rated R. Rating of 2.

OCTOBER 07, 2016…

The Birth Of A Nation is Nate Parker’s film about a slave uprising in the early 1800’s.

The Girl On The Train  is adapted from the best selling novel by Paula Hawkins. Stars Emily Blunt.

The 13th is a documentary on the U.S. prison system.

Middle School: The Worst Years Of My Life combines some animation with real life in dealing with a boy’s adventures in Middle School.

Voyage of Time (documentary) is narrated by Cate Blanchett and explores the past of Planet Earth. Beautiful photography.

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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.