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PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20151010
WELCOME TO THE SHOW!
I’ve already had my usual power breakfast — a slice of baloney between two Eggos
BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY
“Above all, love each other deeply, for love covers a multitude of sins.” –1 Peter 4:8
Correct me, LORD, but only with justice — not in your anger, lest you reduce me to nothing. –Jeremiah 10:24
It is the Lord your God you must follow, and him you must revere. Keep his commands and obey him; serve him and hold fast to him. — Deuteronomy 13:4
HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT
Laziness brings on deep sleep, and the shiftless man goes hungry. — Proverbs 19:15
Thought: I was raised in a family with three boys. Dad had a theory: A certain amount of testosterone had to be burned off by each boy every day. If it weren’t burned off daily, the house would quickly become unlivable. Dad didn’t have to memorize Proverbs 19:15 — it was embedded in his DNA! Growing up, I didn’t appreciate the importance of hard work. I knew they didn’t call it “hard” by accident! I was content to be a lollygagger (in East Texan English, that’s Solomon’s ol’ lazy, shiftless man). As I’ve grown older, I’ve found that working hard with my hands has many redeeming qualities and being a lollygagger has none!
Prayer: El Shaddai, God over all things, please teach me the balance between work and rest. Help me to balance both, so that I can bring you honor and display your gracious rule over my heart and my time. In the name of Jesus I ask this. Amen.
“BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY
The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!
Romans 10:10 NIV = For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved.
TODAY IS SATURDAY – OCTOBER 10, 2015
(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 76 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.
INTERNATIONAL DAY FOR NATURAL DISASTER REDUCTION. ***MARLAR: And exactly how are you supposed to reduce natural disasters? Do you shake an angry fist at Mother Nature and yell “stop it!”?
Today is NATIONAL ANGEL FOOD CAKE DAY. ***MARLAR: Which begs the question, why does Angel Food Cake taste so sinful?
This is IMPROVE YOUR HOME OFFICE WEEK. ***MARLAR: As if an undertaking like that could actually be accomplished in a single week.
This is NATIONAL WILDLIFE WEEK. ***MARLAR: For an example, check out (NEXT JOCK) later this afternoon.
Today is NATIONAL FLOPPY HAT DAY, a day to wear the floppiest hat you can find for at least a half hour. ***MARLAR: I thought our boss was wearing one earlier this morning… turns out he just hadn’t combed his toupee yet.
TODAY IS ALSO. . .
Columbus Day (Observed on 2nd Monday)
International Day for Natural Disaster Reduction
International Newspaper Carrier Day
National Handbag Day
Native American Day
Naval Academy Day
World Mental Health Day
COMING UP NEXT
(Note: Just because holiday is listed here it does not mean we are endorsing it.)
SUNDAY, OCTOBER 11
Ada Lovelace Day
National Face Your Fears Day
Southern Food Heritage Day
MONDAY, OCTOBER 12
Columbus Day (Observed)
Emergency Nurses Day
Free Thought Day
National Bring Your Teddy Bear To Work & School Day
International Top Spinning Day
National Take Your Parents To Lunch Day
Spanish Language Day
Stop Bullying Day
International Moment of Frustration Scream Day
TUESDAY, OCTOBER 13
International Day of Disaster Reduction
International African Penguin Awareness Day
Silly Sayings Day
World Sight Day
WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 14
Be Bald and Be Free Day
National Family Bowling Day (Kids Bowl Free Day)
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 15
Blind Americans Equality Day
International Day of Rural women
I Love Lucy Day
National Cake Decorating Day
National Grouch Day
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 16
Department Store Day
National Sunday School Teacher Appreciation Day
World Toy Camera Day
World Food Day
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 17
Black Poetry Day
International Day for the Eradication of Poverty
National Clean Your Virtual Desktop Day
SUNDAY, OCTOBER 18
World Menopause Day
MONDAY, OCTOBER 19
Evaluate Your Life Day
Support Your Local Chamber of Commerce Day
ON THIS DAY
1965: The Red Baron debuted in the “Peanuts” comic strip. ***MARLAR: Snoopy’s life has been filled with turmoil and the sound of prop planes ever since.
1989: The U.S. issued a patent (#4,872,422) to Rita Vecchia of Bend, Oregon, for her Automatic Pet Scratcher, a wall-mounted device with an artificial hand and electric eye that starts a scratching motion whenever a dog or cat comes close to it. ***MARLAR: Forget the cat… do they have one in human size?!?
1992: A 30-pound meteorite crashed through Michelle Knapp’s 1980 Chevy parked outside her home in Peekskill, New York. She heard the crash and found a huge crater beneath her demolished car. ***MARLAR: Imagine trying to explain THAT one to the insurance company! “My car was destroyed by space debris! No really… it was! NO I HAVEN’T BEEN DRINKING!! What do you mean was Captain Kirk driving? I’m telling you, a meteor destroyed my car…”
1995: Chicago’s Dr. Robert Lucas won the Nobel prize in economics and a $1-million prize. But he got to keep only half the money because his ex-wife Rita had a clause inserted in their divorce settlement five years earlier that she would get half of any Nobel prize he won before October 31, 1995. He beat the deadline by 21 days. ***MARLAR: Good thing it wasn’t for the Nobel PEACE Prize. With a divorce settlement like that, peace wouldn’t last long.
1996: A rare divorce was reported by an Albanian marriage agency in Tirana that for years had boasted that Albanian women were prized for their calmness, loyalty, and good cooking. The exception was a couple who was granted a divorce after the wife beat the husband unconscious—in the courtroom. ***MARLAR: The only good thing was that at that point he no longer had to listen to her incessant complaining.
1999: A man was arrested in southern China after hiding for 12 years in a 3-foot hole dug under a closet in his home. The suspect had emerged only occasionally at night. Why was he arrested in the first place? He stole $15.
2000: A radio personality in Malaysia set a world record for broadcasting for 104 straight hours. ***MARLAR: Of course, that was in 2000. Today if you don’t work that much you’re considered “not a team player”.
TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY
1560: Birth of Jacob Arminius, the Dutch theologian from whose writings and doctrines Protestants opposed to Calvinism have since been called “Arminians.”
1821: Charles Finney, 29, claimed to have received “a mighty baptism of the Holy Ghost,” and was converted to a Christian faith. Finney soon abandoned his pursuit of law and embarked on a 50-year career in evangelism and higher education.
1838: Birth of Theodore Zahn, German Lutheran Bible and patristics scholar. Author of many monographs and commentaries, Zahn’s leading work was his 3-volume “Introduction to the New Testament” (1899; 1909).
1841: Birth of William A. Ogden, American sacred composer. A student of Lowell Mason, Ogden became a well-known music teacher, and penned the hymns “Bring Them In” and “He is Able to Deliver Thee.”
1851: Birth of W. Robertson Nicoll, Scottish theologian. At one time editor of five periodicals, his most enduring achievement was “The Expositor’s Greek Testament,” a series of 50 volumes of commentaries he edited and published between 1888-1905.
HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS
actor (“Saved By The Bell”) Mario Lopez 42 (
(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)
1908 : Johnny Green
1914 : Ivory Joe Hunter
1917 : Thelonious Monk
1923 : Louis Gottlieb
1943 : Denis D’Ell (The Honeycombs)
1945 : Alan Cartwright (Procol Harum)
1945 : Jerry Lacroix (Blood, Sweat & Tears, Edgar Winter’s White Trash)
1946 : John Prine
1946 : Ben Vereen
1948 : Cyril Neville (The Neville Brothers)
1954 : David Lee Roth;
1958 : Tanya Tucker
1961 : Martin Kemp (Spandau Ballet)
1967 : Mike Malinin (The Goo Goo Dolls)
1968 : Michael Bivens (Bell Biv Devoe)
1972 : Vinnie Tattanelli (Nine Days)
1979 : Mya
SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE
Do people who were born blind have any concept of sight at all, or is the sense wholly replaced by other sensations? For example, do blind people “see” anything when they dream?
Dreams are experienced in the same way as life is lived. If someone loses their sight, they will dream of events during the days when sight was available in visual terms. If dreams are about recent events when sight was not used, sensations will be in terms of sound, smell, texture, and so on. Therefore a person who has never been able to see will only dream of matters as they relate to them.
CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS
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Matthew West had some help at a recent concert. He says he saw a kid dancing from the stage in Indiana and had to make sure everyone saw the real show so I brought him up on stage.
Rend Collective recently played on Fox and Friends. If you missed the performance now you can watch it online. See the video of the performance of their song Every Giant will Fall…
Jason Gray spent his day off dealing with a fender bender. Jason tweeted after being rear ended: this isn’t how I envisioned spending my day off in Nashville, but I came out of this in better shape than the driver behind me. All things considered – since I will be on the road for about three weeks – it’s a pretty good time to have my car in the shop.
Jamie Grace is looking for your help with a really big decision. She asked: what in the world am I gonna do for my 24th birthday?! (November 25)
Don’t be surprised if you get a random Facetime request from Jamie Grace. She shared this week: my phone keeps Facetiming people randomly. It literally pushes the screen by itself allllllll day long. Jamie said: so far it’s Facetime’d people, deleted texts, sent gibberish emails, “liked” random Instagram pictures and so much more
ODD & WEIRD NEWS…
|Bull elk keeps authorities on the run in downtown Waco photo
WACO, Texas (AP) — A bull elk kept officials on the run in downtown Waco for seven hours before the animal was subdued and removed to a private herd. Police Sgt. W. Patrick Swanton says officers, game warden and animal control officials mobilized after a resident reported seeing a moose about…
|Sleeping Idaho hunter wakes up to black bear biting his head photo
BOISE, Idaho (AP) — A hunter asleep in the remote Idaho wilderness woke up when he felt something tugging on his hair. Then he heard the black bear breathing. Stephen Vouch, 29, reached behind his head and felt it was wet. He yelled when he realized a bear was biting at his head. “He got a…
|Cops: Man stabbed at funeral, suspect tries to flee in limo
NORTH HAVEN, Conn. (AP) — Police say an argument at a funeral in Connecticut led to a stabbing and an attempted escape in a limousine. Family members had gathered for a funeral in All Saints Cemetery in North Haven late Wednesday morning when an argument broke out and one man was stabbed…
|Denali name change trickles down to fast-food burger
SOLDOTNA, Alaska (AP) — The name change of North America’s tallest mountain is rippling down to a fast-food chain. The extra-large sized McKinley Mac available at Alaska McDonald’s restaurants will now be marketed as the Denali Mac. The change comes after President Barack Obama in August…
|Police: Partially-clothed intruder found sleeping in home
WENTZVILLE, Mo. (AP) — A 53-year-old man has been charged with burglary and harassment after he was found asleep in an empty bedroom of someone else’s Missouri home. HASH(0x14028a0) Cole was taken to the St. Charles County Jail, where he is jailed on $15,000 bond. ___ This story has been…
|Neighbors: New Jersey home swept away by storm was nuisance photo
MIDDLE TOWNSHIP, N.J. (AP) — A Jersey shore home that washed into the bay during a weekend storm was a structurally unsound nuisance and was bound to fall into the water, neighbors said. The Grassy Sound home started falling apart long before it was swept off its pilings on Saturday and local…
|Caterpillar that’s new to Pennsylvania can cause skin rashes
STATE COLLEGE, Pa. (AP) — The bad news is that a Canadian caterpillar now found in Pennsylvania can cause a nasty rash. The good news is that most cases can be treated at home with lotion and ice, though it’ll cause several hours of discomfort. HASH(0x141f010) The white hickory tussock moth…
|Ohio seizes 4 bears as crackdown on exotic animals continues
COLUMBUS, Ohio (AP) — Four bears were seized Wednesday from an Ohio property, the second time in three days that the state took animals from owners as it cracks down on owners who haven’t complied with tightened requirements for owning dangerous wild creatures. Three black bears and a brown…
|Fire company uses purple truck to focus on domestic violence
ALTOONA, Pa. (AP) — A central Pennsylvania volunteer fire company is using a purple fire truck to raise awareness of domestic violence. The Newburg Fire Company in Logan Township uses the truck in parades and other public events, but it’s no longer used to fight fires. Although many people…
|Dog rescued after fall into crack at Volcanoes National Park
HONOLULU (AP) — A Big Island family was reunited with their dog after a rescue team removed the Labrador retriever trapped in a crack in the earth at Hawaii Volcanoes National Park. HASH(0x13d4fe0) “We had no idea that to the left of this gravel area, there is a major crack in the earth about…
|Connecticut university student arrested over mac and cheese photo
STORRS, Conn. (AP) — A University of Connecticut student faces criminal charges over a confrontation with a campus food court manager who wouldn’t let him buy macaroni and cheese with bacon and jalapeno peppers. A 9-minute, obscenity-laced video clip posted online shows freshman Luke Gatti…
HEALTH & FITNESS NEWS…
|Researcher: Children’s cancer linked to Fukushima radiation photo
TOKYO (AP) — A new study says children living near the Fukushima nuclear meltdowns have been diagnosed with thyroid cancer at a rate 20 to 50 times that of children elsewhere, a difference the authors contend undermines the government’s position that more cases have been discovered in the…
|EPA investigating VW emissions controls in 2016 diesels photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — Volkswagen plans to withdraw applications seeking U.S. emissions certifications for its 2016 model Jettas, Golfs, Passats and Beetles with diesel engines, raising the possibility that an emissions-rigging device similar to earlier models is also included in its new cars. VW…
|New Jersey agency: Nurse giving flu shots reused syringes
WEST WINDSOR, N.J. (AP) — A nurse administering flu shots to dozens of employees of a pharmaceutical company reused syringes, the state Department of Health said Wednesday. There is a low risk of infection and syringes that hold the vaccine, not needles, were reused, they said. But state and…
|FDA’s new anti-smoking campaign uses hip-hop to target youth photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — Government health officials are betting they can adapt the sounds, style and swagger of hip-hop culture to discourage young African Americans, Hispanics and other minority youths from using tobacco. The Food and Drug Administration said Tuesday that it will spend $128…
|US Sen. Harry Reid suing exercise band maker over eye injury photo
LAS VEGAS (AP) — U.S. Sen. Harry Reid is suing a company that makes and markets a flexible exercise band that he says broke or slipped from his hand during an arm-strengthening routine on New Year’s Day, causing him to fall and suffer face, rib and eye injuries. The Senate minority leader…
|Inmates help other prisoners face death in hospice program photo
COLUMBUS, Ohio (AP) — As late-morning sun streams through narrow prison windows, convicted killer Scott Abram stands beside a fellow inmate, speaks quietly to him and starts singing “Amazing Grace.” The prisoner appears to smile, but it’s difficult to gauge his response. He is dying. He…
|UN: No new Ebola cases reported last week photo
LONDON (AP) — The World Health Organization says there were no Ebola cases reported last week — the first time an entire week has passed without any new confirmed patients since the devastating outbreak began last March. The U.N. health agency said in a report issued Wednesday that all…
|Right-to-die backers say California helps fight elsewhere photo
SAN DIEGO (AP) — It will soon be legal for the terminally ill to end their own lives in the nation’s most populous state, and right-to-die advocates expect other states to follow California’s example. Gov. Jerry Brown signed a bill Monday that allows such physician-assisted deaths, marking a…
|Transplanting ovarian tissue helps some women have babies photo
LONDON (AP) — The biggest study ever of women who had ovarian tissue removed, frozen and transplanted suggests the experimental technique is safe and can help about one third of them to have babies. The procedure is intended for women with cancer who wish to preserve their fertility, since…
|Report: More US hospitals are encouraging breast-feeding
NEW YORK (AP) — Health officials say more hospitals are encouraging new mothers to breast-feed. A new report found more than two-thirds of hospitals in 2013 helped women start breast-feeding within an hour after birth. That’s up from 44 percent six years earlier. Roughly 90 percent of…
|3 share Nobel medicine prize for tropical disease drugs photo
STOCKHOLM (AP) — The Nobel prize in medicine went Monday to three scientists hailed as “heroes in the truest sense of the word” for saving millions of lives with the creation of the world’s leading malaria-fighting drug and another that has nearly wiped out two devastating tropical diseases….
(None on the weekends)
NEW NEWS KICKERS…
NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Philips Screwdriver”
DAILY COMEDY CLIP
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Ron McGehee, “Dating”
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, little Louis the lion decided he didn’t want to be king any longer. It was too hard. The animals kept coming to him for not only the big decisions, but also the little ones. So he decided not to be king any longer – and is sneaking off to find someone else to be king!
CLOSE: Wow, talk about making a guy feel bad! Louis is scared on his own, but now he has to be brave for everyone else! Tune in next time to see how brave he stays, As the Jungle Turns!
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF OCTOBER 10/11, 2015
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, Gruffy Bear was never satisfied with a picnic place. After passing up several beautiful picnic spots, the jungle animals had enough – and Millard rallied the animals together to overthrow Gruffy! They tied him up, tossed him into the river, and then headed back to one of the picnic spots to have their picnic!
CLOSE: Well, this can’t bode well for the animals’ perfect picnic… but the story is not over yet! Tune in again next time to find out what happens, As the Jungle Turns!
***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of As the Jungle Turns in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us.
MOMENT OF DUH
Just because you can pretend your hand is a gun, doesn’t mean it’s going to be effective as one.
An Ohio man attempted to pull a stick-up at a small bank by using his finger and thumb to represent a gun inside his jacket. Halfway through the attempted robbery, the man inadvertently pulled his hand out of his jacket revealing that he did not actually have a gun. Presumably, the bank gave him a bag that did not contain money.
GOVERNMENT PIPE SPECIFICATIONS
- All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal or plastic centered around the hole.
- All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length – do not use holes of different length than the pipe.
- The I.D. (inside diameter) of all pipe must not exceed the O.D. (outside diameter) – otherwise the hole will be on the outside.
- All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole so that water, steam or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.
- All pipe should be supplied without rust – this can be more readily applied at the job site. Some Vendors are now able to supply pre-rusted pipe. If available in your area, this product is recommended as it will save a lot of time on the job site.
- All pipe over 500 ft (153m) in length should have the words “long pipe” clearly painted on each end, so the Contractor will know it is a long pipe.
- Pipe over 2 miles (3.2 km) in length must have the words “very long pipe” painted in the middle, so the Contractor will not have to walk the entire length of the pipe to determine whether or not it is a long pipe or a very long pipe.
- All pipe over 6″ (152 mm) in diameter must have the words “large pipe” painted on it, so the Contractor will not mistake it for small pipe.
- Flanges must be used on all pipe. Flanges must have holes for bolts quite separate from the big hole in the middle.
- When ordering 90 degrees, 45 degrees or 30 degrees elbow, be sure to specify right hand or left hand; otherwise you will end up going the wrong way.
THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER
A man thinks that a baseball cap is enough of a disguise to get away with robbing a bank?
FILE #1: Jack Slater held up a branch of the Chase Manhattan Bank, getting away with over $7000. Now, he must have thought the baseball cap he had on during the heist was a sufficient disguise because he returned to the same bank later that same week and attempted to open a savings and a checking account with some of the cash. A teller recognized him and called the cops who stopped by and arrested him.
FILE #2: Germany’s 26-year-old Sven Mietke was fined $2,000 and had his vehicle confiscated after he was arrested for DUI and was found to be four times over the legal limit. Police say he was going down the road and weaving from side to side when they pulled him over in his electric wheelchair.
FILE #3: Nicole Gateau is a 38-year-old store clerk from Paris, France. Well she WAS a store clerk. She has since quit that job after being robbed at gunpoint six times in 24 hours. Police say each robbery was pulled off by a different man and none of them has yet been captured. The weirdest part? The store isn’t even in a bad part of town. Well it is now.
STRANGE LAW: Unless you have a doctor’s note, it’s illegal to buy ice cream after 6 PM in Newark, New Jersey.
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS
What exactly is “train rash?”
Police in Fargo, North Dakota, say a man who wanted his picture taken next to a moving train suffered “train rash” when he got too close to the train. Officials said the 34-year-old man and two friends were in Fargo for a conference. The man thought the picture would be better if he got closer to the train, so the men went around the security gates at a train crossing. But he stumbled and the train caught his back, ripping his shirt and pants. Police said alcohol was involved.
My pastor last weekend used home improvement projects to talk about how God will complete the good work that He began in you. Unlike the rest of us, who leave home improvement projects unfinished. What’s the home project that just never seems to get done at your house?
BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!
QUESTION: Who commanded the sun to stand still?
ANSWER: Joshua—Joshua 10:12
QUESTION: What is it called when the point in the Moon’s orbit each month is nearest Earth?
ANSWER: It’s called the “Perigee.”
TRUE OR FALSE
Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!
- George Lucas’s debut film ‘American Graffiti’ received 5 Oscar nominations. (True, including Best Picture. Also, the film cost $780,000 to make yet grossed $50 million worldwide.)
- Females giraffes protect their young by kicking at predators. (True.)
- Over one hundred people were killed during the construction of the Eiffel Tower. (False, it was one person.)
- There are thirty-one species of crows. (True.)
- The sunflower is the official National Floral Emblem of the United States. (False, it’s the rose.)
- There are over 17 basement chambers under the Taj Mahal. (True.)
- There are close to 4,000 varieties of mushrooms. (False – try 40,000.)
- Armadillos can hold their breath up to 6 minutes while digging. (True.)
- Iguanas can hold their breath under water for up to an hour. (True.)
- The character Anakin Skywalker, from the movie Star Wars, mother’s first name is Shmi. (True.)
TABLOID MATCH GAME
You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!
OBAMA TO BUILD __________ RAILROAD (INTERCONTINENTAL)
DENVER – President Obama plans to build an Intercontinental Railroad between New York and Paris.
At a fiery speech in Denver, President Obama unveiled his plans to build a railroad between New York City and Paris, France. The President had mentioned this idea last week and some in the media thought he committed a gaffe. ”It’s no gaffe, it’s his vision,” said White House Press Secretary, Jay Carney.
“President Kennedy dreamed of going to the moon, I dream of going to Paris – by train!” Obama told the Denver crowd.
THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish.”
“Me first! “Me first!”, says the administration clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.”
POOF! She’s gone.
“Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life.”
POOF! He’s gone.
“OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch!”
Football players at a high school were stealing the practice jerseys, so the coach ordered a set with “Property of Central High School” emblazoned on them.
When the thefts continued, he ordered a new batch that had the imprint “Stolen from Central High School.” But the jerseys still kept disappearing.
The larceny finally stopped after he changed the wording to “Central High School 4th String.”
The cop got out of his car and the kid, that was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window.
“I’ve been waiting for you all day,” the cop said.
The kid replied, “Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.” When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
In Seattle a woman was arrested after she attacked a man in a karaoke bar… because he wouldn’t stop singing. ***MARLAR: Arrested? That woman deserves a medal!
If you were on the planet Mercury, it would seem like a year or more from one day to the next. That’s because Mercury, being close to the sun, revolves around it in only 88 days, completing one year. But it takes twice as long as that for Mercury to make one full rotation on its axis thus completing a full day. ***MARLAR: And the day would go even slower if you were in the office.
Our galaxy, the Milky Way, contains between 200-400 billion stars. ***MARLAR: Slightly less than Hollywood.
HOW THINGS CHANGE
Jo’s Great-Grandmother drove a horse and carriage, but was afraid to even ride in a car. Her Grandmother drove a car, but was very afraid to even ride in a plane. Her Mother could fly a plane but was afraid to ride in a jet. Jo can fly a jet, but is afraid to even ride in a horse and carriage.
IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!
I’ve heard of rubber checks – but rubber sidewalks?
It’s true. In fact, dozens of towns – including Washington D.C. – are installing rubber sidewalks! They’re made of recycled car tires. The rubber squares are up to three times more expensive than concrete slabs but they last longer. Tree roots and freezing weather won’t crack them. The shock-absorbing surface is also easier on the joints of joggers and more forgiving when someone takes a fall. Plus environmentalists love them because they’re a great way to recycle some of the estimated 290 million tires thrown out each year in this country. Could we not use this technology to pave streets like Alpine, Perryville, and Riverside? Sure, it’d cost more initially – but wouldn’t that be better than orange barrels and pot holes every stinkin’ year? Would it not be worth it to pay more for the roads if you aren’t going to have to deal with two and three lane traffic merged into one lane every Spring because we have to pave the roads… again? I know, I know – the unions would freak because the road construction workers wouldn’t be needed. Did we worry about the manufacturers of buggy whips losing their jobs when the car came around?
TEN THINGS GOD CAN’T DO
1) God can’t get tired. “Have you not known? Have you not heard? The everlasting God, the Lord, the Creator of the ends of the earth, neither faints nor is weary.” -Isaiah 40:28
2) God can’t take on a job he can’t handle. “Ah, Lord God! Behold, you have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and outstretched arm. There is nothing too hard for you.” -Jeremiah 32:17
3) God can’t be unholy. “And one cried to another and said: ‘Holy, holy, holy is the Lord of hosts; the whole earth is full of his glory!’” -Isaiah 6:3
4) God can’t be prejudiced. “In truth I perceive that God shows no partiality. But in every nation whoever fears him and works righteousness is accepted by him.” -Acts 10:34-35
5) God can’t break a promise. “My covenant I will not break, nor alter the word that has gone out of my lips.” -Psalm 89:34
6) God can’t remember sins he’s chosen to forget. “I, even I, am he who blots out your transgressions for my own sake; and I will not remember your sins.” -Isaiah 43:25
7) God can’t make a loser. “Now thanks be to God who always leads us in triumph in Christ.” -2 Corinthians 2:14
8) God can’t abandon you. “Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the Lord your God, he is the one who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you.” -Deuteronomy 31:6
9) God can’t stop thinking about you. “How precious also are your thoughts to me, O God! How great is the sum of them! If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand; when I awake, I am still with you.” -Psalm 139:17-18
10) God can’t stop loving you. “Yes, I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore with loving kindness I have drawn you.” -Jeremiah 31:3
DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL
A LIFE-LONG ISSUE
The days of our lives are seventy years; and if . . . they are eighty years, yet their boast is only labor and sorrow. —Psalm 90:10
Scientists predict that the average lifespan in the United States may reach 100 by the end of the 21st century. They say the genetics that control aging could be altered to extend life beyond the 70 to 80 years referred to in Psalm 90:10. Life’s final chapter, however, will still read, “It is soon cut off, and we fly away.”
Moses, who wrote those words, likened our existence to grass that flourishes in the morning and is cut down and withers in the evening (vv.5-6). Although he lived to be 120 (Deuteronomy 34:7), life’s brevity was never far from his mind. That’s why he prayed, “Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom (Psalm 90:12).
- J. De Pree, a longtime member of the RBC Board of Directors, took those words literally. He calculated the number of days from the date of his birth until he would turn 70. At the end of each day he’d reduce his total by one. To see that figure decline reminded him to make each day count for the Lord.
We are all part of a rapidly passing scene. That should sober us, but not discourage us. Moses affirmed God as his “dwelling place” (v.1). That’s the way to face the life-long issue of our fleeting earthly existence. —Dennis De Haan
To gain a heart of wisdom takes a lifetime,
And we are told to seek it all our days;
But whether life is long or too soon ended,
God’s loving kindness fills our heart with praise. —Hess
A life lived for God will count for eternity.
WITH THIS X-RAY, I THEE WED
It was the time in their wedding ceremony when Mark Meltz was to give his bride Hillary Meltz her wedding ring. But she didn’t get it — Liza did. Here’s what happened: Just four hours before their wedding was to take place, Mark noticed that his fiancé’s wedding band was no longer on the counter where he had placed it earlier that day. He frantically began to look for the ring, but couldn’t find it. That’s when he remembered how earlier that day his dog, Liza, was coughing a lot. Putting two and two together, he rushed Liza to the veterinarian who determined by an x-ray that the ring was safe inside the dog’s stomach. All of this took place without his fiancé ever knowing, so when it came time to place the ring on her finger, he whipped out the x-ray and gave that to her! He then explained to Hillary and the whole church how his Labrador decided to eat her ring. Meanwhile, the couple has placed Mark’s father on ring watch (waiting for the ring to make its way out of the dog) while they are on their honeymoon.
LIFE… LIVE IT
IMPROVE YOUR SLEEP
Ralph Downey, III, Ph.D., D.A.B.S.M., F.A.A.S.M., chief of sleep medicine at Loma Linda University Medical Center and Children’s Hospital in Loma Linda, California has way to help you sleep better even with tons of things on your mind:
- Establish a soothing pre-bed ritual: Take a bath or read a book. Just avoid the TV and computer, which can stimulate you and keep you up.
- Adjust the thermostat: Sound sleep is nearly impossible if your room is too hot or too cold. The ideal temperature for optimal sleep is between 68 and 70 degrees Fahrenheit.
- Follow the 20-20 rule: If you stay in bed when you can’t sleep, you’re doing more harm than good. You’ll develop an association with the bedroom as being a place where you can’t sleep.
- Take an afternoon snooze: A nap can reduce the stress of not having slept and help you feel less anxious about going to sleep that night.
- Go cold turkey on caffeine: These may be harsh words to swallow, but because caffeine has been linked to adverse sleep effects, it’s got to go. If you can’t live without it, at least quit consuming caffeine (which includes chocolate, by the way) by 2 p.m.
- Keep a set sleep schedule: No doubt you’ve heard this, but it’s worth repeating that you should always wake up and go to bed at the same time every day, even on weekends. Consistency helps synchronize our sleep-wake cycle.
- Exercise — but don’t do it right before bed: Although regular exercise can help you sleep better, avoid vigorous workouts three hours before bed or else you may be too revved up to sleep.
JUST FOR FUN
IF THEIR FAVORITE FLAVOR IS GRAPE, WE COULD CALL THEM “GRAPE APES”
Officials at the Tama Zoo in Tokyo are conducting an experiment to see if monkeys are capable of buying a drink from a vending machine. The zoo has installed a vending machine inside the chimp enclosure to see if the animals would be able to learn to purchase a drink by watching humans do it. The monkeys have been given coins to insert into the machine. As for the results so far, earlier this week Chiko the chimp bought herself a drink, but it was unfortunately taken from her by another chimp. ***MARLAR: Give it another week and monkeys will be shaking vending machines out of frustration.
Phrases for you to use in a job interview – or to interpret when interviewing!
Phrase: I’m extremely adept at all manners of office organization.
Meaning: I’ve used Microsoft Office.
Phrase: I’m honest, hard-working and dependable.
Meaning: I pilfer office supplies.
Phrase: I take pride in my work.
Meaning: I blame others for any mistakes.
Phrase: I’m personable.
Meaning: I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
Phrase: I am very adaptable.
Meaning: I’ve changed jobs a lot.
Phrase: I am on the go.
Meaning: I’m never at my desk.
Phrase: I’m highly motivated to succeed.
Meaning: The minute I find a better job, I’m outta here.
MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…
READ TO YOUR CHILD
If your child is between 7 and 9, there is something you can do to boost their academic success — read to them. A new study found parents usually stop reading to their kids by age 7 when they are capable of reading on their own. But those extra two years help children develop a love for reading, which studies say, give them a better shot a success in math and English.
OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP
Can your sense of smell enhance your worship? In her book Wearing God, Lauren F. Winner explores smell as one of the overlooked ways the Bible depicts us meeting God. According to the report in Christianity Today, Fragrance played a crucial role in worship, as the people of Israel employed perfumers to “make the holy anointing oil and the pure, fragrant incense of spices.” Smell and emotion are deeply intertwined in our memory—to the point that some research suggests that a smell can become an emotion.
Do you need to confront a friend about something they are doing or are not doing? That’s never a pleasant situation, but there are 10 questions to examine your heart before you confront that friend:
Is my motive pure? Is my greatest concern spiritual deliverance or restoration?
Am I approaching this issue as a self-righteous bigot, or am I offering truth as one who is equally in need of God’s transforming grace?
Am I more concerned about winning an argument for morality than I am concerned about my opponent’s need for salvation or spiritual growth?
Am I prepared to give a biblical and gracious defense of my position?
Am I addressing a truth issue, or is this a preference issue?
Is this the best time to have this conversation?
Have I thoroughly prayed over this conversation?
Am I reacting in pride or humility?
Are my emotions sinfully involved with this issue?
Can I convey love to my opponent as I deliver this message of truth?
Why your coffee addiction isn’t so bad for you
- Coffee may decrease your risk of depression.
- Coffee might help prevent skin cancer.
- Smelling coffee can bust stress.
- Coffee might help fight obesity.
- Coffee may prevent Parkinson’s disease.
- Coffee could boost your workout.
AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT
To do is to be. – Descartes
To be is to do. – Voltaire
Do be do be do. – Frank Sinatra
THE WAY WE WORK
(Updated as it comes available. The Way WE Work is written by Mark Elfstrand from 1160Hope.com in Chicago.)
The film has yet to be released. In fact, it won’t arrive in theaters until December. But the merchandising is everywhere for Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens.
It seems like Disney has managed to rekindle the same intergalactic interest that the original Star Wars generated. Luke Skywalker lives on. As does Princess Leia. And Han Solo, after his production injury aboard the Millennium Falcon.
Not that I follow these matters closely, but I’ve been told that the plot for this film will be set 30 years after the Battle of Endor and the events portrayed in Return of the Jedi. I got lost in the original Star War trilogy after finding Jabba the Hutt too disgusting for my tastes. I preferred the likes of C-3PO and R2-D2, which brings me to the point of my blog today.
I often enjoy reading columnist and cultural commentator Dr. Jim Denison. One of his recent contributions worth reading is titled, “Why Robots are Bad for Men.” I hope C-3PO gets a copy of this.
Denison cites a study from two Oxford researchers. Their estimates are that 47 percent of US jobs could be taken over by robots or computers by 2033. Jobs performed primarily by men are at much greater risk than those performed by women.
Here were some of the statistics cited:
- More than 95 percent of the 3 million truck drivers in the U.S. are men; the newly developed autonomous vehicles could replace many of them.
- Men hold 97 percent of the 2.5 million US carpentry and construction jobs; a good percentage of these job tasks could be replaced by robots.
- Women, on the other hand, hold 93 percent of the registered nurse positions. The study rates their risk of obsolescence at only .009 percent.
And those tasks that involve a wide range of decisions and skills in a relational environment are least likely to be automated. Again, statistically, such jobs are generally found in the domain of women.
Denison cites this rather mind-bending premise. “Not only are jobs likely to be lost; our entire culture is being changed in ways we may not notice. In Sapiens: A Brief History of Humankind, Yuval Noah Harari notes: ‘Our computers have trouble understanding how a Homo sapiens talks, feels, and dreams. So we are teaching Homo sapiens to talk, feel, and dream in the language of numbers, which can be understood by computers.’”
Steve Wozniak, Apple’s co-founder, earlier this year warned that artificial intelligence (AI) will take over for humans. His assessment for the future had a definite bleakness to it. Fortunately he put it in non techno-geek terms.
Being quoted on this issue, Steve said, “…I agree that the future is scary and very bad for people. If we build these devices to take care of everything for us, eventually they’ll think faster than us and they’ll get rid of the slow humans to run companies more efficiently.”
Wozniak added, “Will we be the gods? Will we be the family pets? Or will we be ants that get stepped on? I don’t know about that. But when I got that thinking in my head about if I’m going to be treated in the future as a pet to these smart machines…well I’m going to treat my own pet dog really nice.”
Earlier this year, dozens of the world’s top AI experts signed an open letter calling for researchers to take care to avoid potential “pitfalls” of the disruptive technology. Professor Stephen Hawking has previously said that the rise of AI could see the human race become extinct. Technology entrepreneur Elon Musk has also described the rise of AI in the past as “our biggest existential threat.”
Many Christians were already concerned about technology and the future. Several years ago, rumors circulated about a three-story computer in Belgium called, “The Beast.” Supposedly operated by the European Common Market, it would monitor the financial transactions of every person on earth. Author Joe Musser claims he wrote this into a fiction piece and it gained life from there. Joe said for several years he had seen the story being passed along as fact.
Followers of Jesus bring more to this world with messages of hope, peace, and love than we do of fear. But wise people do not ignore the signs of the times. As Jesus said…“But be on your guard. Don’t let the sharp edge of your expectation get dulled by parties and drinking and shopping. Otherwise, that Day is going to take you by complete surprise, spring on you suddenly like a trap, for it’s going to come on everyone, everywhere, at once. So, whatever you do, don’t go to sleep at the switch. Pray constantly that you will have the strength and wits to make it through everything that’s coming and end up on your feet before the Son of Man.” (Luke 21: 34-36, MSG)
In the meantime, like Steve Wozniak, I’ve started treating my dog a lot nicer. And my boss. I think I saw a C-3PO type arrive for a job interview.
That’s The Way WE Work.
THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER
Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).
OCTOBER 09, 2015…
Knock Knock (opening in select cities)—We are getting closer to Halloween and here is a horror movie about someone’s mother starring in a movie, dying, and then reappearing in the film. Stars Taissa Farmiga. “Knock Knock” is rated R. No rating.
Pan (again!)—This is a different concept, indeed. Take the usual “Peter Pan” story and make it one with Blackbeard (Hugh Jackman) instead and the children he kidnaps, especially Peter (Levi Miller) work in his mines. Captain Hook is played by Garret Hedlund and something in the vein of Johnny Depp’s pirate characters. Tiger Lily is played by Rooney Mara. Ah, yes, not your usual story. “Pan” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.
Steve Jobs—Michael Fassbinder takes on the role of Steve Jobs, who brought out Macintosh. This movie concentrates on a person who is working in an unusual electronic business. Quite a personality. Some liked him, some did not. Adapted from the book by Walter Isaacson. Jeff Daniels stars as Apple CEO John Sculley. “Steve Jobs” is rated PG 13. No rating.
OCTOBER 16, 2015…
Goosebumps has Jack Black as the real-life writer R. L. Stine in a film about Stine’s mystery books called “Goosebumps”.
Beasts of No Nation is a Netflix movie and stars Idris Elba in a story about a boy soldier in Africa.
Crimson Peak (opening in select cities) has Mia Wasikowska living in Northern England and is courted by a mysterious stranger, Tom Hiddleston.
Room stars Brie Larson as a woman, who with her son, is imprisoned by a vengeful man.
Bridge Of Spies is based on the true story of exchanging a Russian spy for an America pilot during the Cold War. Stars Tom Hanks.
Truth stars Robert Redford and Cate Blanchett in a political thriller.
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