October 11, 2016: Tuesday ONAIRprep

***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS – FREE TO AIR! (Need to receive this earlier than when it’s posted? Get FTP access and receive a fully-produced version FREE with a customized tag specifically for your station or show! Contact me with your ONAIRprep username for details!)

AND NOW… ON WITH THE SHOW!

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20161011

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

It’s going to be one of those days. I just plugged in my earphones and got a busy signal.

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“Do not use harmful words, but only helpful words, the kind that build up and provide what is needed, so that what you say will do good to those who hear you.” –Ephesians 4:29

In him [Jesus our Lord] and through faith in him we may approach God with freedom and confidence. –Ephesians 3:12

Seek the Lord while he may be found; call on him while he is near. — Isaiah 55:6

That is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God. — 1 Corinthians 6:11

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

“But what about you?” he asked. “Who do you say I am?” Peter answered, “The Christ of God.” — Luke 9:20

Thought: A lot of people have their opinions about Jesus’ identity. The real issue, however, is what you believe about Jesus. What you decide about God’s Son means everything for you and for those you influence. So listen to Jesus’ question to his disciples as if he is asking it of you: “Who do you say I am?” I pray that your answer is the same as Peter’s: “You are the Messiah, the Son of God.”

Prayer: Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for Jesus, who is my Lord, Savior, friend, and older brother in your family. I praise you for sending him to reveal yourself to us and I thank you for your love demonstrated by him on the Cross. I do believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of the Living God, and the only Savior who can bring freedom, pardon, cleansing, and complete salvation. Thank you! In Jesus’ mighty name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

John 10:11 NIV = I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep.

TODAY IS TUESDAY – OCTOBER 11, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
76 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is NATIONAL SAUSAGE PIZZA DAY. ***And I’m somewhat upset that the radio station is not reimbursing me for the visual aids I brought in for it.

SNIPE HUNTING SEASON begins tonight.  ***Good luck, boys and girls – be sure to send me a photo of your snipe once you bag one!

Today is MY PARTY DAY.  ***And I’ll cry if I want to, cry if I want to, cry if I want to.  You would cry too if it happened to you.”  (I can only assume this refers to someone celebrating a birthday that requires black balloons.)

Today is DR. PEPPER BAKED BEANS APPRECIATION DAY.  ***I’ve yet to try it this – just not brave enough yet. I like Dr. Pepper, and I like baked beans, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they are good together.  I like dogs… I like food… but I do not like dog food! Then again, I’ve not been brave enough to try that either.

NATIONAL PET PEEVE WEEK begins today.  *** Pet peeve number one… people telling me that something I don’t find appealing is actually great and that I really SHOULD love it. Like, say, Dr. Pepper Baked Beans.

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Ada Lovelace Day

General Pulaski Memorial Day

International Day of the Girl

Myths & Legends Day for All Fantasy Movie, Books and Legends Cephalopods

National Face Your Fears Day

National Food Truck Day

Southern Food Heritiage Day

Yom Kippur

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below.)

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 12

National Online Banking Day

Columbus Day

Day of the Six Billion

Drink Local Wine Day

Emergency Nurses Day

Free Thought Day

National Bring Your Teddy Bear To Work and School Day

International Top Spinning Day

National Fossil Day

National Take Your Parents To Lunch Day

S.A.V.E. (Stop America’s Violence Everywhere)

Spanish Language Day

Stop Bullying Day

World Arthritis Day

International Moment of Frustration Scream Day

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 13

English Language Day

International Day for Disaster Reduction

International African Penguin Awareness Day

International Day for Failure

Metastatic Breast Cancer Awareness Day

National Chess Day

Navy Birthday

National No Bra Day

Silly Sayings Day

World Sight Day

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 14

Be Bald and Be Free Day

National Costume Swap Day

National Family Bowling Day

Spider-Man Day

World Egg Day

World Standards Day

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 15

Blind Americans Equality Day

Bridge Day

Global Handwashing Day

International Day of Rural Women

I Love Lucy Day

National Cake Decorating Day

National Cheese Curd Day

National Grouch Day

National Latino AIDS Awareness Day

National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

Sweetest Day

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 16

National Feral Cat Day

Department Store Day

Dictionary Day

National Sunday School Teacher Appreciation Day

World Toy Camera Day

World Food Day

MONDAY, OCTOBER 17

Black Poetry Day

National Boss’s Day

International Day for the Eradication of Poverty

Mulligan Day

National Clean Your Virtual Desktop Day

National Edge Day

National Pasta Day

Wear Something Gaudy Day

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 18

Hard Boiled Guy/Girl Day

National Cupcake Day

National Pharmacy Technician Day

Pro-Life Day of Silent Solidarity

World Menopause Day

ON THIS DAY

1972: Michael Galen of Cairns, Australia, set a world banana-eating record by downing 63 bananas in 10 minutes.  ***During his victory dance he slipped on one of the peels, fell, and broke his nose.

1975: Saturday Night Live debuted on NBC-TV, starring Dan Aykroyd, John Belushi, Chevy Chase, Jane Curtin, Garrett Morris, Laraine Newman, and Gilda Radner. The first host was George Carlin. (audio clip)

1983: The last hand-cranked telephone system in the U. S. went out of service as 440 telephone customers in Bryant Pond, Maine, were switched over to direct-dial service.  ***Ten minutes later townsfolk began receiving calls trying to get them to change long-distance companies.

1992: Maintenance workers in Alexandria, Indiana, solved a massive street flooding problem by removing a 200-pound hairball from the city sewer.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1521: Leo X conferred the title “Fidei Defensor” (Defender of the Faith) upon England’s Henry VIII. Three popes and 13 years later, Henry severed all ties with Rome to establish the Church of England.

1551: The 13th Session of the Council of Trent opened, during which major decisions were reached regarding the Catholic doctrine of the Eucharist.

1895: Birth of Avis B. Christiansen, devotional author. One of the most prolific hymnwriters of the 20th century, two of her most enduring hymns today are “Up Calvary’s Mountain” and “Precious Hiding Place.”

1914: During World War I, the Cathedral of Notre Dame suffered minor damage during an air raid on Paris. (Notre Dame, the most famous of the Gothic cathedrals of the Middle Ages, is distinguished for both its size and antiquity.)

1954: Presbyterian apologist Francis Schaeffer wrote in a letter: ‘Doctrinal rightness and rightness of ecclesiastical position are important, but only as a starting point to go on into a living relationship — and not as ends in themselves.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actor (“Beverly Hills 90210”) Luke Perry 50 (audio clip)

  • actress (Ice Princess, School of Rock, Grosse Point Blank, sister to John Cusack) Joan Cusack 54

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1919 : Art Blakey

]1928 : Ennio Morricone

1932 : Dottie West

1943 : Gene Watson

1946 : Gary Mallaber (The Steve Miller Band)

1948 : Daryl Hall (Hall & Oates)

1950 : Andrew Woolfolk (Earth, Wind & Fire)

1955 : Lindy Boone (The Boone Family)

1962 : Scott Johnson (The Gin Blossoms)

1971 : MC Lyte

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

What animals kills more people than any other animal?

Hippos.  The hippo’s yawn is not a sign of sleepiness or boredom but is actually a threat gesture, displaying long, thick, razor-sharp canine teeth, or tusks, with which it is capable of biting a small boat in half. Being fearlessly protective of their turf and young, hippos have killed more than 400 people in Africa – more than any other wild animal.

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving three days a week from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

(SAME AS YESTERDAY DUE TO THE U.S. HOLIDAY)

The keyboard tech for Newsboys member Jeff Frankenstein is so smart that he also knows how to fix kid’s toys. Jeff said Matt was able to complete the complex task of putting batteries in the talking robotic parrot owned by Jeff’s niece.

A Switchfoot fan was putting together a Jon Foreman “after show” kit last week. They included a pic, capo & G harmonica. When asked what else they should put in it, members of Switchfoot suggested they also include a shot of espresso.

Casting Crowns Mark Hall says it’s Halloween costume time. Or as he describes it: time for every respectable woman everywhere to lose their ever-loving minds.

The Jamie Grace Show season 3 is here and it is an interesting show. Just to give you an idea how interesting, it starts off with Jamie announcing that she’s engaged. She doesn’t know where the wedding is, what her last name is going to be, or really much else about her groom-to-be but she is officially engaged. Watch the entire 30-minute video at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lJ86Z__Skik.

Well known worship leader Chris Tomlin was ministering to a different audience this week. According to the Tennessean, some fans drifted off, others giggled with glee, and a couple picked their noses during the recent debut of his children’s book Good Good Father. Chris told the audience of 50 adults and 30 children: “Don’t tell anybody, but I think I’ve had more fun writing this book than making my music.” More than 100,000 fans watched the event live on Facebook, and an additional 120,000 fans have watched video of the event since.

http://www.tennessean.com/story/entertainment/2016/10/04/chris-tomlin-makes-debut-childrens-book-author/91482206/

The name of Casting Crowns’ latest album is The Very Next Thing. But what does doing THE VERY NEXT THING look like, practically? Casting Crowns has teamed up with The Overflow Ap for a 7-day devotional series based on 7 songs from our new album. You can participate at https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/3056-casting-crowns-the-very-next-thing

Hillary Scott says the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. According to Taste of Country Magazine, during a recent family trip to Disneyland, Hillary’s daughter, Eisele Kaye, serenaded disney characters Rapunzel and Flynn Rider. The Scotts were in the meet and greet line for the two characters and, when she reached the front of the line, Eisele sang Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.

For King and Country’s Joel Smallbone was a long way from his Australian roots last week. He shared a picture complete with a goatee and sombrero and posted: “When a gringo is celebrating his Hispanic’s wife’s birthday he must look the part…right?”  ***Just be careful there, Joel – you might be accused of cultural appropriation!

https://www.instagram.com/p/BLKEoKkgeGl/?taken-by=joelsmallbone&hl=en

Rend Collective released the new album, Campfire 2, last week. Leading up to the release they played around with a few alternate album titles. Some of their suggestions included: “Campfire 2: Revenge of the Banjo” or “Rend v Mumford: Clash of the pie-pans”.

Residents of South Florida really wanted to survive Hurricane Matthew but, even in the midst of the hurricane, they wouldn’t eat clam chowder. Kari Jobe shared a picture of a South Florida grocery store. The shelves were completely empty other than a number of cans of the chowder.

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. As on ONAIRprep subscriber, you can get a fully-produced, customized version of the Daily Dose of Weird News FREE with a station or show specific tag! Email darren@onairprep.com for details!)

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

(SAME AS YESTERDAY DUE TO THE U.S HOLIDAY)

Mike Pence says his role model for vice president is Dick Cheney.  ***Which should work just fine so long as he doesn’t want to go hunting with anybody.

Hillary Clinton is reportedly having trouble connecting with Millennials.  *** Yeah, Millennials, Gen X-ers, Boomers… but she is polling well with people who report living in cemeteries.

Former Maryland Lieutenant Governor Kathleen Kennedy Townsend saw former President George H.W. Bush and reports the 92-year-old told her he’s voting for Hillary Clinton.  ***But then, they do say that older people are more likely to have brain issues.

One of the Russian groups blamed for hacking the Democratic National Committee goes by the nickname “Fancy Bear.”  ***Apparently all of the really ominous hacker names were already taken and it was either this or “Twinkle Toes”.

To help out during the holidays Walmart will be hiring tens of thousands of season employees. ***Does it really take 55,000 people to tell me the toy I want is out of stock?

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

(SAME AS YESTERDAY DUE TO THE U.S HOLIDAY)

Looking for a unique getaway? Well, the Toilet Seat Museum in Alamo Heights, Texas, is housed in a man’s tin-roofed garage. The museum is filled with nearly 800 toilet seats and lids and even features a piece of the late Iraqi ruler Saddam Hussein’s toilet.  *** So if you plan on flushing the rest of your vacation money down the toilet anyway…

A recent survey shows the population of people in the United States who don’t have an Internet connection is down to 15 percent. That’s the equivalent of about 47 million people.  *** Part of me feels sorry for them – but then another part of me envies how someone in this world has found a way to live without access to Facebook.

A study from the University of Vermont finds that people with light-colored eyes may have a greater chance of becoming dependent on alcohol then their darker-eyed counterparts.  *** Another giveaway is if your light-colored eyes are constantly bloodshot.

New parents who don’t have enough to obsess over can now give an I.Q. test to babies as young as six months. Fisher-Price paid child expert Dr. Dorothy Einon to create the 10-question test. It determines a baby’s intellectual development by its reactions to such things as being fed, dropping a teddy bear, playing “This Little Piggy,” enjoying nursery rhymes, playing with toy phones, performing “pat-a-cake,” hearing its name and waving goodbye.  ***I enjoy all of those things – I must be a genius!

WONDER WOMAN (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Artificial Lemons” (SAME AS YESTERDAY DUE TO THE U.S. HOLIDAY

DAILY COMEDY CLIP (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Steve Geyer, “McDonald’s Drive-Thru” (SAME AS YESTERDAY DUE TO THE U.S. HOLIDAY

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TUESDAY’S EPISODE (SAME AS YESTERDAY DUE TO THE U.S. HOLIDAY


OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, all of the jungle animals tried to make friends with a giant gorilla who’d been leaving footprints around the jungle – but that didn’t work. And they were so scared they didn’t know what to do… until finally, they stopped and prayed and asked God for help. Suddenly they heard… music!

CLOSE: And all the animals foxtrotted happily ever after. Well, at least until sundown. Tune in next time as FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you another inspiringly inspiring inspirational story in the never-ending deep-jungle soap-opera saga that is As the Jungle Turns!

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF OCTOBER 15/16

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, all of the jungle animals were so scared of a giant-footed monster (a monster that no one had ever really seen, but assumed existed because they saw the footprints) that they’ve all decided to pack up their belongings, and sell everything they own to make it easier to run away!

CLOSE: Who’s going to buy furniture from a skunk? Not without a LOT of Febreeze, at least. And now all of the jungle animals have just as much junk as they started with, they’re still in the jungle, and there is still a giant-footed creature on the loose that nobody has seen! Find out what happens next time, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

A former wrestler with cell phone problems ends up creating a really big (and embarrassing) Moment of Duh!

Can you hear him now? Former wrestler Jason Perala went to his local Verizon phone store in Fargo to complain about bad phone service. Apparently service was pretty bad as Jason soon stripped to the waist, put on safety goggles and tore up the place to the tune of more than $20,000 in damages. Jason said he had intended to only scream at the store workers, but when he tried to throw his cell phone against a wall, it hit a worker in the shoulder. He continued to destroy merchandise for several minutes while workers locked themselves in an office. Jason later apologized saying, “I gotta change my ways a little bit.” Jason will have the next 60 days to change his ways behind bars.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN LIES BY CHILDREN

A top psychiatrist says your children won’t pull the wool over your eyes if you recognize and deal with those little lies boys and girls tell their parents. Here are the top ten.

10. “I lost my allowance.”

9. “No, Mom… I haven’t been watching (the forbidden TV channel.)”

8. “I haven’t used the telephone.”

7. “I didn’t eat all the candy (ice cream, etc.)”

6. “We weren’t fighting…only playing.”

5. “I haven’t got any homework.” or “I did it on the bus.”

4. “I’ve made my bed and cleaned up my room.”

3.”I didn’t smoke a cigarette.”

2. “Yes I brushed my teeth.” or “I’ve already washed my hands.”

1. “I didn’t do it, Johnny did.”

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

A robber makes sure to give proper ID before robbing a little old lady!

FILE #1: Greg Worthy broke into a 65 year old woman’s home and demanded money. The woman convinced Greg that she had no money in the house but she would write him a check if he would show her proper identification, which he gladly did. After giving him the check and showing him the door, the lady called the cops. They went to the address he had given her and there they found Mr. Greg Worthy, check in hand. He’s now residing in jail.

FILE #2: Timing is everything, even when it comes to armed robbery. In Rutland, Vermont, an armed man approached two restaurant employees as they were making their night deposit at a local bank. However, the robbery was thwarted when the employees informed the crook that they had already dropped the money off. The robber left empty handed.

FILE #3: 16 year old Nicole Lavelle is quickly learning the ins and outs of the British court system. According to the Guardian newspaper, she has taken her father to court for breach of contract. The girl charges that he had promised to pay up to about $20,000 a year for her to go to the exclusive college of her choosing and when she opted to go to a cheaper school he balked. Why? Because the college is very close to the home of the girl’s mother — his ex wife.

STRANGE LAW: In Minnesota, it’s illegal to tease skunks. (As if being sprayed weren’t enough of a deterrent.)

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

Police ride a bus to chase down a car thief!

Police who arrested a man for suspected drunk driving had to catch a bus when he stole their patrol car. The officers had taken the man into the back seat of their car after stopping him in Denmark. But the man drove off in the vehicle when they left him to deal with an argument between his friends. The officers had to catch a bus to pick up another police vehicle. They eventually found the 28-year-old when he crashed into a wall after driving their patrol car for around 15 miles with the sirens blaring. He had been celebrating his birthday. ***MARLAR: His birthday should be memorable… if he can remember it.

PHONER PHUN

Which TV show have you tried, that everyone else seems to like, but you just don’t get? (For me, it’s “Doctor Who” – I just don’t see any entertainment value in that show at all.)

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: What birds were being sold in the temple courts when Jesus drove out the salesmen?
ANSWER: Doves (John 2:14: “And he found in the temple those who sold oxen, sheep and doves, and the money changers doing business.”)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: What percentage of body fat does a bear lose during hibernation?

ANSWER: Twenty-five percent.

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. Depression afflicts ten percent as many women than it does men. (False – it’s twice as many, or 100%)

2. David Letterman used to be a weather announcer for a TV station. (True.)

3. A group of leopards is called a leap. (True.)

4. In 1876, Maria Spelternia was the first women to ever cross the English Channel on a high wire. (False, she crossed Niagra Falls.)

5. Blype is the skin that peels off after a bad sunburn. (True.)

6. Captain Kirk’s Enterprise crew numbered 430. Captain Picard had almost three times the crew. (True – Picard supposedly had 1,012 under his command.)

7. The nineteenth president of the United States, Rutherford B. Hayes gained the presidency (1877-1881) by a margin of only one electoral vote. (True. By the way, his middle name was Birchard.)

8. In ancient Athens, you could get the death penalty for cutting down an apple tree. (False. But you could be put to death for cutting down an olive tree. The olive tree was considered sacred, and all of its fruit belonged to the state.)

9. The planet Neptune does not tilt as it goes around the Sun, so consequently, it has no seasons. (False – it’s Venus with those qualities. On Mars, however, the seasons are more exaggerated and last much longer than on Earth.)

10. A plaice, a large European flounder, can lie on a checkerboard and reproduce on its upper surface the same pattern of squares, for camouflage. (True.)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

MAYANS HAD CONTACT WITH __________ (ALIENS)

MEXICO CITY – A new documentary about Mayan civilization proves that they extraterrestrial contact.

“Revelations of the Mayans 2012 and Beyond,” proves that Mayans had contact with extraterrestrials.  Producer Raul Julia-Levy told WWN that the evidence is “overwhelming.”   And the Mexican government is backing him up.

“Mexico ill release codices, artifacts and significant documents with evidence of Mayan and extraterrestrial contact, and all of their information will be corroborated by archaeologists,” said Julia-Levy, son of actor Raul Julia.

Luis Augusto Garcia Rosado, the minister of tourism for the Mexican state of Campeche, said new evidence has emerged “of contact between the Mayans and extraterrestrials, supported by translations of certain codices, which the government has kept secure in underground vaults for some time.”

He also spoke, in a phone conversation, of “landing pads in the jungle that are 3,000 years old.”

Raul-Julia claims there is proof that the Mayans had intended to lead the planet for thousands of years, but were forced to escape after an invasion by “men of dark intentions,” leaving behind evidence of an advanced race.

The Mexican government is not making this statement on their own — everything we say, we’re going to back it up,” he said.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn’t been feeling well. The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor says, “Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water.”

Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, “My goodness, doc, exactly what’s my problem?”

Doctor says, “You’re not drinking enough water.”

JOKE #2

Walking through the hallways at the middle school where I work, I saw a new teacher standing outside his classroom with his forehead against a locker.

I heard him mutter, “How did you get yourself into this?”

Knowing that he was assigned to a difficult class, I tried to offer moral support.

”Are you okay?” I asked. “Can I help?”

He lifted his head and replied, “I’ll be fine as soon as I get this kid out of his locker.”

JOKE #3

Military leaders succeed in building a computer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem.  They are assembled in front of the new machine and instructed to feed a difficult tactical problem into it.  They describe a hypothetical situation to the computer and then ask the pivotal question: attack or retreat?

The computer hums away for an hour and then comes up with the answer: YES.

The generals look at each other, somewhat stupefied.  Finally one of them submits a second request to the computer: YES WHAT?

Instantly the computer responded: YES SIR.

USELESS FACTS

A University of Florida student has developed a robot shopping cart that follows you wherever you go.  ***MARLAR: Husbands rejoice!

Early Egyptians wore sandals made from woven papyrus leaves.  ***Instead of athlete’s foot, they got root rot.

FEATURED FUNNIES

WHY GO HOME?

Just minutes before her husband’s cremation took place, the funeral director sat down with his widow.  “How old was your husband when he passed?”

The grieving widow responded, “He was 98 … two years younger than I am.”

“Really?” said the undertaker, thinking out loud. “Hardly worth your trouble to go home, wouldn’t you say?”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

People like to feel “at home” when they’re sick, or near death… but what about AFTER death?

They take the concept of resting in peace seriously at the Humenik Funeral Chapel in Brook Park, Ohio. The chapel offers a bedroom-like setting — a bed and two end tables — instead of where the casket would usually be laid out. Owner Joe Humenik opened his own funeral home in suburban Cleveland five years ago after spending 10 years in the business. He first tried out the “reposing bed” for someone very close to him — his mother. He had observed at countless funerals how mourners awkwardly approach the casket, say their good-byes then retreat to the seating area. But when his mom was laid out in a reposing bed, people stood nearby throughout the visitation. So what’s next? Maybe laying out an individual in a favorite chair or recliner? Humenik says if the family requests it, he’ll do it.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

TAKE THE TIME TO SAY
God, I want to take time to remember all the things You have done for me through the years. Oh, there are so many things. You have carried me through dark valleys of the shadow of death. You have rejoiced with me on the mountaintops. You have held my hand and helped me take a leap into unknown waters. You have applied healing balm to my hurts and warm sunshine on my soul. You have given me precious friends who have stood the test of time…and more. You have given me a loving family to grow with and be with. You have increased my territory spiritually and physically. You have picked me up when I have stumbled and nearly hit the ground. You have provided for me when I did not know where my provisions would come from. You have surrounded me with prayers and support of the family of God in time of need. You have shown me miracles and blessed my soul. You have given me desires of my heart–desires that were in line with Your will and Word. You have given me the privilege of helping advance Your kingdom through the gifts, talents, and resources You have entrusted to me. You have always patiently been there for me. You have felt my cries, laughed at my silliness, and gently guided me back onto the right paths. You have loved me with an everlasting love. I could go on and on. God I am thankful for You and all You’ve done and all You will do in my life. I love You and appreciate You and want to shout “how great is my God!” With loving thanks, in Jesus’ name, amen.

J Sears

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

(modified from Campus Journal)

A poor widow came and put in two very small copper coins, worth only a fraction of a penny. –Mark 12:42

Scholarships. Grants. Financial aid. Student loans. Savings. Christmas gifts. Work-study programs. So, how did you financing your education? Or how are you planning on financing your upcoming college education? Mike Hayes of Rochelle, Illinois, did it in an original way–one penny at a time.

Back in 1987, Mike was a chemistry freshman at the University of Illinois. Under the assumption that anyone would be able to spare a penny, he wrote to Bob Greene, Chicago Tribune columnist. He convinced the writer to ask each of his readers to send in a penny for Mike.

“Just a penny,” Hayes said. “A penny doesn’t mean anything to anyone. If everyone who is reading your column looks around the room right now, there will be a penny under the couch cushion, or on the corner of the desk, or on the floor. That’s all I’m asking. A penny from each of your readers.”

Guess what? In less than a month after the article appeared, the penny fund was up to 2.3 million cents. Donations came in from every state in the US, in addition to Mexico, Canada, and the Bahamas. Eventually, Mike ended up with $28,000!

A penny isn’t worth much, unless it’s added to a whole bunch of other pennies. Or, unless it’s your last one. The woman we read about in Mark 12 gave not a spare, disposable penny but a fraction of a penny, which was “all she had to live on” (v.44). A fraction of a penny? Hardly worth digging out of your pocket! But that little bit was honored by Jesus because it was sacrificially given.

It may be pretty hard to give an offering to the Lord regularly if you’re basically broke all the time (you know–while you’re paying that school bill). But what an example the widow’s simple sacrifice was to the disciples, and all these years later to us! In faith, she gave all she had.

Most of us have never given that kind of sacrifice. But why not see what you can trust God to provide so that you can give? Step out in faith. Get in the habit of giving something back. And after you get a fulltime job–give more.

Our example is an unnamed widow who has been dead for 2,000 years. But Jesus used her to teach us what giving really means. In quantity, it was less than a cent. In quality, it was a priceless gift of love to God.

LEFTOVERS

GARBAGE SANITATION STRIKE

If garbage workers in your community ever go out on strike, you might like to know how a wise New Yorker disposed of his refuse for several days when sanitation workers were on strike.  Each day he wrapped his garbage in gift paper. Then he put it in a shopping bag. When he parked his car, he left the bag on the front seat with the window open. When he got back to the car, the garbage had always been collected.

LIFE… LIVE IT

HOW TO WIN AN ARGUMENT

You can win an argument with a friend, co-worker or spouse if you just follow a little advice from some experts.

  • Get the first word: If you see an inevitable argument coming up, bring up the subject before the other person does. You’ll be far better prepared emotionally than your opponent will be.

  • Stick to one topic: Bringing up other subjects merely confuses the issue. If you don’t keep a clear notion of the point you are trying to make, you can’t win an argument.

  • Don’t get personal: The single most damaging thing you can do is to attack the other person instead of the problem at hand. You won’t solve your dilemma, and you’ll probably end up making an enemy.

  • Stick with it: Don’t call a temporary truce to an argument out of temper or frustration. That will cause you to lose your momentum and diminish your chances of victory. Keep the ball rolling until the issue is resolved.

  • Allow the other person to score some points: Find a minor issue you’re willing to sacrifice to your opponent. He’ll be more willing to concede if allowed to save face.

  • Use a little humor if appropriate: A friendly joke in the middle of an argument can help when you’re dealing with an understanding friend or spouse. But be careful if you’re arguing about a very touchy subject. It may serve only to make the other person angry. [Your stubbornness on this issue reminds me of the time that a priest a minister and a Rabbi walked into a bar…]

JUST FOR FUN

MAYBE THEY WERE TRYING TO DRIVE TO HEAVEN

What’s the longest amount of time it’s taken you to drive back home from church?  It recently took three elderly ladies 24-hours to get back home simply after going to church! Alice Atwater, 72, and her friends Florence King, 86, and Ruthelle Outler, 84, had only traveled 20 miles to church from their home in Upson County, Florida in order to hear a favorite preacher.  But it took them 24 hours, including detours to Birmingham, Alabama, Atlanta and Macon to get home again.  Their disappearance resulted in police sending out an APB for the ladies – which they learned about only after being pulled over by an officer spotting their vehicle.  Mrs. Atwater was cheerful but tired after driving for more than 24 hours without sleep.  ***MARLAR: So next time you have a used car salesman say that a car was used only by little old ladies driving back and forth to church – you can’t automatically assume that means fewer miles on the odometer!

FUN LIST

COOKING TERMS

TONGUE: A variety of meat, rarely served because it clearly crosses the line between a cut of beef and a piece of dead cow.

YOGURT: Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid.

RECIPE: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don’t own, to make a dish the dog won’t eat.

PORRIDGE: Thick oatmeal rarely found on American tables since children were granted the right to sue their parents. The name is an amalgamation of the words “Putrid,” “hORRId,” and “sluDGE.”

PREHEAT: To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time before cooking a dish, so that the fingers may be burned not only when the food is removed, but when it is put in.

OVEN: Compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces of meat and poultry.

MICROWAVE OVEN: Space-age kitchen appliance that uses the principle of radar to locate and immediately destroy any food placed within the cooking compartment.

CALORIE: Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the average individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular food.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

WOMAN PATENTS HERSELF

A British woman has filed an application to patent something that is very personal to her — herself. According to the national patent office, Donna Rawlinson MacLean, has become the first person to attempt to patent them self. “It has taken 30 years of hard labor for me to discover and invent myself, and now I wish to protect my invention from unauthorized exploitation, genetic or otherwise,” Maclean said.  The full details of her application, patent number GB0000180.0, will be published in 18 months. A spokesperson at the patent office said, “It is not really worth patenting something unless you make a lot of money from it.”  ***MARLAR: Technically speaking, don’t patents go to the creators of something? In that case, I think God might actually deserve the “patent” on this one.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

(SAME AS YESTERDAY DUE TO THE U.S. HOLIDAY

Nhi Ashburn was one of a dozen brides who lost their wedding gowns when a suburban New Orleans bridal shop abruptly shut down on Sept. 20. But by the end of the week, the Crescent City came to the rescue with open hearts — and closets. When Samantha Capone, a local wedding planner, heard about the nuptial nightmare, she called up her two colleagues and quickly organized a dress swap for that Sunday at a New Orleans store. Word quickly spread and soon more than 200 wedding dresses, veils, bridesmaid and flower girl dresses were donated for the event. They also helped to alter dresses that had already been purchased. http://on.today.com/2dHkNJk

U.S. Education Secretary John King created a flurry of frustration and fear among homeschool advocates recently with comments viewed as ignorant at best or, at worst, hostile toward alternative education. According to Christian Headlines, King said: “Students who are homeschooled are not getting kind of the rapid instructional experience they would get in school.” Homeschool advocates instead pointed out that students’ performance proves homeschooling’s success—homeschoolers perform better than average on standardized tests and in college. Homeschool Legal Defense Association chairman Michael Farris said he is personally reaching out to King’s office in hopes of swaying him in favor of homeschooling. http://dlvr.it/MNhYRj

A new study finds that almost half of churches entire budgets go to paying staff. According to a Relevant Magazine report, the study looked at the salary trends of 1,200 churches with regular attendance of 500 or more people throughout the United States and Canada. It also found that 98 percent of the church’s total budget comes from money the congregation gives. Meanwhile, only about half (52 percent) spend more than 10 percent of their budget “on ministry beyond their own congregation–from local soup kitchens to world missions to church planting.” http://relm.ag/AtTnurV

October is Clergy appreciation month. In response here are 10 Top Ideas for Pastor Appreciation Month

1. A Gift Card Goes A Long Way.

2. Those Extra Tickets Do A Lot.

3. Pass Along Your Airline Miles.

4. Make Your Family Cabin or Condo Available.

5. Don’t Shy From Giving Cash.

6. Pre-Pay for a Handy Man Service.

7. Take your pastor’s car to be detailed and while you’re at it, top off the gas tank.

8. Make a Pastor’s Kids Dreams Come True.

9. Give the Pastor a Date Night.

10. Dedicate time to pray for your pastor each week, but let them know what you are specifically praying.

http://margaretfeinberg.com/top-10-ideas-for-pastor-appreciate-month/

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

The man who removes a mountain begins by carrying away small stones. -William Faulkner

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

OCTOBER 07, 2016…

The Birth Of A Nation—This film by Nate Parker caused quite a stir at Sundance, and now it is on the screen. The story centers in Nate Turner (played by Nate Parker), in the 1830’s, who brought about a slave uprising that killed many white slave owners.  Aja Naomi King plays Nate’s wife, Cherry. “Birth Of A Nation” is rated R. No rating.

The Girl On The Train—Paula Hawkins wrote a novel about a young woman who rides the train and observes what is going past her.  Though, she becomes interested—too interested—in a certain couple and when one goes missing, she suspects foul play. Emily Blunt is the girl on the train with quite a history of her own. Twists and turns here. Also in the cast are Haley Bennett and Justin Theroux. “The Girl On The Train” is rated R.  Rating of 2 for fans of the book.

Middle School: The Worst Years Of My Life—James Patterson wrote a “Middle School” book series and it is now on the screen, centered on Rafe Khatchadorian (Griffen Gluck) as the boy who tries to go through Middle School and adjust to his Mom’s boyfriend. The school principle is no help either. Also in the cast are Lauren Graham, Rob Riggle and Andrew Daly. “Middle School: The Worst Years Of My Life” is rated PG. Rating of 2.

Voyage Of Time (documentary)—Directed by Terence Malick and narrated by Cate Blanchett, this documentary is about Earth, the passage of time, and how life evolves.  Beautiful photography. “Voyage Of Time” is rated PG 13 for themed material. Rating of 2 for documentary fans.

OCTOBER 14, 2016…

Mascots stars Jane Lynch is a comedy about what it takes to be a team mascot.

The Accountant has Ben Affleck playing someone with autism who is also a top-notch person with math figures.

Kevin Hart: What Now?  is Kevin Hart’s concert movie.

Desierto stars Jeffrey Dean Morgan in a thriller along the U.S./Mexican border.

Tower is a documentary on the fatal shootings on a Texas college campus in 1966.

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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.