October 12, 2016: Wednesday ONAIRprep

***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS – FREE TO AIR! (Need to receive this earlier than when it’s posted? Get FTP access and receive a fully-produced version FREE with a customized tag specifically for your station or show! Contact me with your ONAIRprep username for details!)

AND NOW… ON WITH THE SHOW!

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20161012

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

I don’t believe in organized religion, so I joined a disorganized religion. Last Sunday, the preacher overslept and arrived thirty minutes late with no sermon, and then the Ladies’ Auxiliary lost the names of people volunteering for next week’s bake sale. –Chris Lipe

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interest of others. –Philippians 2:3-4

Listen to your father, who gave you life, and do not despise your mother when she is old. –Proverbs 23:22

Do not boast about tomorrow, for you do not know what a day may bring forth. — Proverbs 27:1

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

[A desperate and lonely woman who had been ill for years came to Jesus for healing.] She said to herself, “If I only touch his cloak, I will be healed.” — Matthew 9:21

Thought: The woman who said this to herself knew ostracism and loneliness because of her 12 year bout with an illness that made her unclean under Jewish law. She was imprisoned in isolation because of this condition. Just as Jesus freed her from her prison (vs. 22), he longs to free you from yours as well. What holds you captive? Jesus longs to give you freedom through five gifts: 1) the Scripture to help you know God’s will,  2) your surrender to his lordship, 3) cleansing from your sin and guilt, 4) the gift of the Holy Spirit to empower you, and 5) a family of brothers and sisters in Christ to support you and hold you accountable. These are God’s five precious keys to freedom.

Prayer: Father, I pray today for all those who need deliverance from Satan’s grip in whatever form he has in their lives. In Jesus’ mighty and holy name I confidently pray. Amen

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

Deuteronomy 10:12 NIV = And now, Israel, what does the Lord your God ask of you but to fear the Lord your God, to walk in obedience to him, to love him, to serve the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul,

TODAY IS WEDNESDAY – OCTOBER 12, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
75 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is INTERNATIONAL MOMENT OF FRUSTRATION SCREAM DAY, which encourages everyone to go outdoors at noon (Greenwich time) and scream for 30 seconds. ***For assistance in getting a really, really good scream, feel free to visit our radio station’s website and print out a picture of me.

Today is CHILD RAMBUNCTIOUSNESS APPRECIATION DAY, a time to admire the energy of children. ***Which often causes momentary screams of frustration.

Today is NATIONAL DOODLE BUG DAY.  ***I don’t know what it is, but I certainly don’t want to be the one in charge of cleaning up after it.

Today is also NATIONAL DOO WAH DIDDY DAY, the day in 1964 when Manfred Mann’s “Doo Wah Diddy” reached #1 in the U.S. ***Is it just me, or does “Doo Wah Diddy” sound like something a doodle bug might leave behind?

Today is the TRUE COLUMBUS DAY, marking Christopher Columbus’ discovery of America on October 12, 1842. ***Of course, he was looking for INDIA, not AMERICA.  So we celebrate every year the accomplishment of a man getting lost, refusing to ask for directions, finding a place to park, and then saying, “I meant to come here!”

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

National Online Banking Day

Columbus Day

Day of the Six Billion

Drink Local Wine Day

Emergency Nurses Day

Free Thought Day

National Bring Your Teddy Bear To Work and School Day

International Top Spinning Day

National Fossil Day

National Take Your Parents To Lunch Day

S.A.V.E. (Stop America’s Violence Everywhere)

Spanish Language Day

Stop Bullying Day

World Arthritis Day

International Moment of Frustration Scream Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below.)

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 13

English Language Day

International Day for Disaster Reduction

International African Penguin Awareness Day

International Day for Failure

Metastatic Breast Cancer Awareness Day

National Chess Day

Navy Birthday

National No Bra Day

Silly Sayings Day

World Sight Day

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 14

Be Bald and Be Free Day

National Costume Swap Day

National Family Bowling Day

Spider-Man Day

World Egg Day

World Standards Day

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 15

Blind Americans Equality Day

Bridge Day

Global Handwashing Day

International Day of Rural Women

I Love Lucy Day

National Cake Decorating Day

National Cheese Curd Day

National Grouch Day

National Latino AIDS Awareness Day

National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

Sweetest Day

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 16

National Feral Cat Day

Department Store Day

Dictionary Day

National Sunday School Teacher Appreciation Day

World Toy Camera Day

World Food Day

MONDAY, OCTOBER 17

Black Poetry Day

National Boss’s Day

International Day for the Eradication of Poverty

Mulligan Day

National Clean Your Virtual Desktop Day

National Edge Day

National Pasta Day

Wear Something Gaudy Day

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 18

Hard Boiled Guy/Girl Day

National Cupcake Day

National Pharmacy Technician Day

Pro-Life Day of Silent Solidarity

World Menopause Day

WEDNESDAY, OCTOER 19

Evaluate Your Life Day

Hagfish Day

International Overload Day

Medial Assistants Recognition Day

Support Your Local Chamber of Commerce Day

Unity Day

ON THIS DAY

1492: Roderigo de Triana, a sailor working the crow’s next aboard the Pinta, discovered Guanahani Island in the Bahamas. Christopher Columbus got all the credit, though, because he knew the queen personally. ***Same thing happened to me when I discovered radio. But did I get the credit? Noooooooooo….

1971: The rock opera Jesus Christ Superstar by Andrew Lloyd Webber and Tim Rice opened on Broadway. Hit songs included the title song and “I Don’t Know How to Love Him.”

1983: The last U.S. crank telephone call was made in Bryant Park, Maine. The community’s hand-operated phone system was finally shut down. ***So all of those phone calls I made to complete strangers during summer vacation when I was a kid weren’t crank calls? Cool! I guess I’m off the hook… so to speak.

1997: News agencies reported that 11-year-old sixth grade inventor Kimberly Klein of Manitowoc, Wisconsin, had become president of her own company. Kimberly patented Shadetree, a metal device that attaches to an auto sun visor and makes a handy place to stash sunglasses. ***What have I DONE with my life? (Sigh.)

2000: A man who tried to rob a liquor store in Dayton, Ohio, was caught after a clerk was able to slip outside and lock the robber inside the store. The store owner said the suspect was armed with a BB gun and “obviously was not a professional.”

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1518: Summoned before Cardinal Thomas Cajetan, German reformer Martin Luther, 35, refused to recant the 95 theses he had posted the previous October on the chapel door at Wittenberg Castle.

1812: The Half Moon Bluff Baptist Church was organized near Clifton. It was the first Baptist congregation to be constituted in the American territory now comprising the state of Louisiana.

1883: Birth of C. Harold Lowden, American sacred composer. His most enduring hymn tunes today are GENEVA (“God Who Touchest Earth with Beauty”) and LIVING (“Living for Jesus a Life That is True”).

1949: American missionary and martyr Jim Elliot wrote in his journal: ‘For my generation I must have the oracles of God in fresh terms.’

1971: The rock musical “Jesus Christ, Superstar” debuted on Broadway. (Twenty years later, the actor who played the part of Jesus, Jeff Fenholt became a born-again Christian.)

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actor (“Growing Pains”, Fireproof) Kirk Cameron is 45 (audio clip)

  • actor (Kate & Leopold, X-Men movies) Hugh Jackman 48

  • actor (“Eight is Enough”) Adam Rich 48 (audio clip)

  • actress (“Baywatch”, Whistlin’ Dixie, Cannonball Run 2) Susan Anton 66 (audio clip)

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1854 : James Bland

1925 : Guitar Gabriel (Robert Lewis Jones)

1935 : Sam Moore (Sam & Dave)

1935 : Luciano Pavarotti

1942 : Melvin Franklin (The Temptations)

1948 : Rick Parfitt (Status Quo)

1955 : Pat DiNizio (The Smithereens)

1960 : Bob Mould

1969 : Garfield Bright (Shai)

1969 : Martie Seidel (The Dixie Chicks)

1980 : Ashanti

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

When was the first jigsaw puzzle made?
The first jigsaw puzzle was produced around 1760 by John Spilsbury, a London engraver and mapmaker. Spilsbury mounted one of his maps on a sheet of hardwood and cut around the borders of the countries using a fine-bladed marquetry saw. The end product was an educational pastime, designed as an aid in teach British children their geography. The idea caught on and, until about 1820, jigsaw puzzles remained primarily educational tools.

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving three days a week from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

The first movie from Joel and Luke Smallbone will release this Friday. The movie by the members of For King and Country was produced by the two brothers along with several other members of their family. It’s titled Priceless, also the name of a recent Novel and the bands latest song. Leading up to the Movie’s release, Joel and Luke sat down to talk with The Tennessean about the movie, it’s back story, and how two popular musicians got into the movie business. Read their story at http://www.tennessean.com/story/entertainment/music/2016/10/06/king-country-confront-human-trafficking-ambitious-new-film/91312296/

Bear Rinehart was on Fox Sport’s College Countdown prior to this weekends college football games. The NeedToBreathe member talked with Cory McCartney about the band’s new album, Hard Love and their current tour. Bear also made his picks for this past weekend’s six ACC games. You can check out the 10 minute broadcast and see how well Bear did in his weekend picks. https://soundcloud.com/collegecountdown/needtobreathes-bear-rinehart

Jimmy Needham is asking that you join he and his family in praying about their adoption. Jimmy posted: Will you please join me in praying that our court case passes soon so we can bring our son home? Never met him but miss him bad.

Even before hurricane Matthew pounded Haiti, Citizenway’s Ben Calhoun was making plans to lead a group of the band’s fans to work in the country. Now he is inviting you to join him in traveling to Haiti in 2017 to help the residents of the country suffering through another major hurricane. Ben will be part of a Mission Adventure trip to Haiti April 3 through 7 of next year. https://twitter.com/i/web/status/784522284912545799

Kerrie Roberts is thanking everyone for their prayers. She posted over the weekend: The storm missed us and we are so thankful. I think hurricane preparation is one of those rare situations where you work really hard and hope it is for nothing. This time it was! We’re still praying for those in the path of the storm.

Danny Gokey recently released a Spanish language version of his latest album and the Hispanic community is taking notice. Late last week Danny was invited to be a presenter during the Latin AMA’s. The winners were announced on October 6th.

A special night for Casting Crowns Mark Hall last week. He posted a picture as he sang Voice of Truth with his son, JM, playing bass. Mark said it has been such a sweet moment every night.  https://www.instagram.com/p/BLMplgyjqQY/?taken-by=markhallcc&hl=en

What does Love Amplified look like?  Darren Mulligan of The Messengers is the latest Christian artist to share his thoughts. https://youtu.be/qcohPNIYNlM

Hawk Nelson’s Jon Steingard is out with another vlog. His latest broadcast is titled “I Eat Everything.” Check it out at https://youtu.be/hQZgNAlltZg.

Another video devotional is now available from Mike Donehey of Tenth Avenue North. The focus is the band’s new song I Have This Hope. Mike commented: “He is enthroned in heaven and he chased us all the way down into hell. There is nowhere we can go where He is not.” Check out the video at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ppy91cTHYJ4&feature=youtu.be

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. As on ONAIRprep subscriber, you can get a fully-produced, customized version of the Daily Dose of Weird News FREE with a station or show specific tag! Email darren@onairprep.com for details!)

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

Police in China have detained a man who they say since 2013 had called emergency response more than 700 times. When finally arrested the man told cops he was “testing the performance of his mobile phone.”  ***The police responded by telling the man he’ll be testing the performance of their jail cells.

(CAREFUL!) Action figures from “The Golden Girls” were unveiled at the New York Comic-Con. Target plans to carry them, though they’re not in stock yet. ***Can you really call these action figures?  The only Golden Girl getting any action was Blanche.

Samsung has stopped production of their Galaxy Note 7 phone until they figure out that “why it bursts into flames” issue. ***We used to all want the hottest phone on the market, now we’re just happy our phones don’t explode.

Attention atheists – I hope you’re sitting down because I’m about to give you undeniable evidence that God exists!  Are you ready?  The E! Network has shut down production on “Keeping Up with the Kardashians” and “no decision has been made as to when production will resume.”  Can I get an AMEN?

Anderson Cooper has ruled himself out as a new co-host for “Live with Kelly!” He’s staying put at CNN. ***Pssst… hey Kelly… I’m available!

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

Anyone in your company have “brain drain”? It seems that Federal programs — worth billions of dollars — are at risk because the government is not doing enough to recruit, train and keep good employees. According to the General Accounting Office, staff cutbacks, an aging work force, and competition from the private sector have contributed to the brain drain in the federal government. ***So what was the government’s excuse BEFORE this?

While the 10 commandments doesn’t include:  “thou shalt not eat chocolate cake,”– an unusual study has found that people who regularly attend religious activities are 50 percent more likely to battle obesity by middle age.  “We don’t know why frequent religious participation is associated with development of obesity,” said Matthew Feinstein, the study’s lead investigator and a fourth-year student at Northwestern University Feinberg School of Medicine. “There have been a number of studies over the years that show more religious people tend to live longer, are less likely to smoke and have better mental health,” Feinstein noted.  “Religious people are doing a lot right, but this is one special area where there is room for improvement.”  ***How can you not know why religious folks tend to be fatter?  Dude, have you not ever BEEN to a church social?  Pot bellies come from pot luck.

You can relieve your anxiety, depression and distress by cleaning your house vigorously for 20 minutes non-stop once a week. That’s the word from a study by researchers at University College London, who say that the key to alleviating the depression is physical exercise. ***That’s strange, because what depresses me the most is being asked to do housework.

If you’re dieting and exercising and still can’t get rid of that doughnut around your mid-section, this could be the answer. A recent article says stress, and it’s affect on the adrenal glands, could be impacting your body’s ability to burn fat. They say one of the first steps in overcoming the problem is reducing your stress through getting enough sleep, avoiding caffeine, and exercising.  ***But… if I give up caffeine, won’t I be that much more stressed?

WONDER WOMAN (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Broker”

DAILY COMEDY CLIP (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Charles Marshall, “Boyfriends”

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD WEDNESDAY’S EPISODE


OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you another inspiringly inspiring inspirational story in the never-ending deep-jungle soap-opera saga that is As the Jungle Turns!

CLOSE: I have no idea what Gruffy is talking about. Sounds like a fierce game of checkers is about to take place though! What do you think will happen between Gruffy and Sully that will make Sully angry though? Find out next time… As the Jungle Turns!

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF OCTOBER 15/16

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, all of the jungle animals were so scared of a giant-footed monster (a monster that no one had ever really seen, but assumed existed because they saw the footprints) that they’ve all decided to pack up their belongings, and sell everything they own to make it easier to run away!

CLOSE: Who’s going to buy furniture from a skunk? Not without a LOT of Febreeze, at least. And now all of the jungle animals have just as much junk as they started with, they’re still in the jungle, and there is still a giant-footed creature on the loose that nobody has seen! Find out what happens next time, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

A Wal-Mart store in Tennessee, just recently hired Cynthia Fraley.  And that was a bad idea! 

and a quick check would have told them that Cynthia shoplifted from the store in 2001.  In fact, Ms. Fraley was told to stay away from the store.  But, surprise surprise, they hired her – and she ended up stealing money and merchandise worth $2,900 this time around.  Note to personnel department – “Do your homework.”

TOP TEN

TOP TEN REASONS TO STAY AT WORK ALL NIGHT

1. Act out your version of a company takeover.

2. Find a way to change everyone’s password to “chrysanthemum”.

3. Around 3:20am, play connect-the-dots with lights still on in other office buildings. Keep going until you see a small woodland creature.

4. Sneaking in the boss’s desk could land you an unexpected promotion.

5. Draw stick people in all the landscape pictures on the walls, and in the morning, be the first to point out “what a terrible thing that someone did this to such beautiful works of art”.

6. Go into the other gender’s bathroom without fear of being caught.

7. Run up and down the hallways screaming, hoping security will come so you can have someone to talk to.

8. Leave prank messages on the CEO’s voice mail.

9. Finally, a chance to live out a dream and pretend to be your boss.

10. Elevator surfing!

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

A high speed chase has the criminal driving himself to jail… INTO the jail!

FILE #1: After leading police in Fremont, California, on a chase during which he ran 15 red lights and sideswiped several cars, Michael Anthony Dorsey was finally halted when he slammed his 1980 Corvette into the city jail. “He didn’t have too go to far from there,” said police Cpt. Mike Lanam. “It was like a drive-up window.”

FILE #2: Four police officers in Waukegan, Illinois, were injured during a six-hour class designed to teach police officers how to reduce injuries while subduing offenders. According to Police Chief Phillip Stevenson, three of the men suffered their injuries at the hands of other officers. The fourth broke his toe while stumbling on foam mats that were used to pad the floor.

FILE #3: And finally, we need a “Stupid Excuse Award” for this one. A man was caught in a woman’s home, her purse in his hand, and the woman woke up and surprised him. His excuse? He said he was from the neighborhood watch group, that he found her purse and came into her home to return it.

STRANGE LAW: In Florida it is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

Jason Robertson, 26, and Thomas Valliere, 24, two traveling Canadians had been doing a bit of drinking when they decided to buy some cocaine to liven up their island vacation.

Having gotten a number from a local, Jason called, only to be told it was the wrong number. Not one to give up easily Jason called the number again insisting it was correct and that he wanted to buy some cocaine. Unfortunately for Roberston the number he had called (twice) was to the cell phone of Jeff Jackson, deputy chief of the combined Police and Customs Drugs Task Force for the Cayman Islands. After the second call an undercover policeman telephoned Robertson back to set up the sale. When he met the pair and handed over the cocaine – actually nondairy coffee creamer — police swooped in. Robertson and Valliere were fined $1,000 but since they had failed to actually buy cocaine, they were not charged with possession.

PHONER PHUN

With today being INTERNATIONAL MOMENT OF FRUSTRATION SCREAM DAY, what frustrating things in day-to-day life make you want to scream?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: David escaped from Saul and went to what Philistine City?

ANSWER: Gath (1 Samuel 27:3)

QUESTION: What did Elisha’s servant see after Elisha prayed that his eyes would be opened?
ANSWER: An angelic army (2 Kings 6:15-17)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: Why did a man at a Taiwan zoo leap into the African lions’ den?

ANSWER: To covert the lions to Christianity. (At the Taipei, Taiwan, zoo, a man leapt into a den with two African lions and tried to convert them to Christianity. He shouted “Jesus will save you!” then raised both hands and yelled, “Come bite me!” The male lion bit his right leg before zookeepers drove it away with water hoses and tranquilizer guns. They said he was lucky the lions had recently been fed.  ***If he’d really read his Bible, he’d know this trick only works if your name is Daniel.)

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. On a hot afternoon, the atmosphere draws up 5,500 million gallons of water an hour from the Gulf of Mexico. (True.)

2. The standard escalator moves 310 feet per minute. (False, it’s much slower than that – 120 feet per minute.)

3. If the Sun’s energy decreased by ten percent, the entire Earth would be covered in ice one mile thick. (True. Conversly, if the sun’s energy increased by 30 percent, all life on Earth would be burnt to a cinder.)

4. Theadore Roosevelt devised the first wet suit for divers. (False – it was Benjamin Franklin. He also invented a primitive version of today’s flippers.)

5. It took 20,000 men 22 years to build the Taj Mahal. (True.)

6. The circumference of the Earth at the equator measures 24,902 miles. (True.)

7. An Oscar (Academy Award) weighs seventeen pounds. (False – it’s seven pounds.)

8. By the year 2015, 27 of the world’s 33 largest cities will be Spanish-speaking. (False – they will be Asian.)

9. The belly button of a typical blue whale is eight inches across. (True!)

10. Anne Boleyn, Queen Elizabeth I’s mother, had six fingers on one hand. (True.)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

__________ GOING EXTINCT (REDHEADS)

GLASGOW, SCOTLAND – Genetic Scientists have confirmed that the last redhead will be born in 2015!

Redheads or “gingers,” as British and Australian citizens call them, are going extinct.  The Scotland Genetic Center, made up of some of the world’s top redheaded genetic scientists, have predicted that there will be no more redheads born after 2015 and very few walking the planet in 2050.

The recessive gene for red hair is dying out.   It is not showing up with the frequency it once did.  Even if a woman or man is carrying the “red hair” gene today – there are very few.

There have been rumors of redhead extinction before, but now genetic experts around the world agree that redhead extinction is inevitable.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

An elderly man from New York was getting his affairs in order.  He prepared his will and made his final arrangements.  As part of these arrangements he met with his pastor to talk about what type of funeral service he wanted, etc.

He told his pastor that he had two final requests.  First, he wanted to be cremated, and second, he wanted his ashes scattered over Bloomingdales.

“Bloomingdales!” the pastor said.  “Why Bloomingdales?”

“That way, I know my daughters will visit me twice a week.”

JOKE #2

A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 22 grandchildren. When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, “Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids.”

JOKE #3

NASA decided to send a shuttle into space with two monkeys and an astronaut. They trained them for months. Then when they thought they were ready, they placed all three in the shuttle and got ready to send them up into space.

As the moment came closer NASA’s mission control center announced, “This is mission control to Monkey One. Initiate!” 
At that the first monkey started typing like mad and suddenly the shuttle’s engines ignited and the shuttle took off.

Two hours later NASA’s mission control center announced, “This is mission control to Monkey Two. Initiate!”
At that the second monkey started typing like mad and suddenly the shuttle separated from the empty fuel tanks.

Another two hours later mission control announced, “This is mission control to the astronaut…”

At this the astronaut responded “I know, I know. Feed the monkeys and don’t touch anything.”

USELESS FACTS

A pair of newlyweds have purchased their dream house in Hamburg, Germany, but were horrified with what they discovered as they moved in. They found the skeletal remains of a man who had been stuck in the chimney for almost 50 years. ***Wait… is this a scary Halloween story or an even scarier Christmas story?

The Roman emperor, Nero, known for his lavish and depraved lifestyle, ruled from 37 A.D. to 68 A.D.  Archaeologists recently unveiled what they think are the remains of Nero’s extravagant banquet hall, a circular space that rotated day and night to imitate the Earth’s movement and impress his guests. ***It’s also believed he was continually dizzy.

FEATURED FUNNIES

SIGNS YOUR PASTOR IS ADDICTED TO COURT TV

  • The deacons are required to wear Bailiff uniforms.
  • Every time he hears an amen, he bangs the gavel and says, “You’re out of order!”
  • The 12 member choir is now referred to as “the jurors.”
  • He has the head deacon say “All Rise” when he enters the sanctuary
  • His sermons are no longer taped but rather typed by a stenographer.
  • Instead of an invitation, he asks for closing arguments

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

PLAYING THE PART
A director of a movie being made in Morocco woke up to find that 70 of the film’s extras had abandoned him. The movie was about illegal immigrants. The actors apparently were inspired by the movie, because they decided to become illegal aliens themselves. The 70 Moroccan’s abandoned the set of the film to risk their lives sailing aboard rickety old boats over the narrow Strait of Gibraltar to Spain. 

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

While Spurgeon was still a boy preacher, he was warned about a certain angry woman, and told that she intended to give him a tongue lashing. “All right,” he replied, “but that’s a game at which two can play.”

Not long after, as he passed her gate one morning, she assailed him with a flood of rude language.  He smiled and said: “Yes, thank you, I am quite well. I hope you are the same.”

Then came another burst of rude language, pitched in a still higher key, to which he replied, still smiling: “Yes, it does look rather as if it is going to rain. I think I had better be getting on.”

“Bless the man!” she exclaimed, “He’s as deaf as a post. What’s the use of storming at him?” and so her ravings ceased and were never again attempted.

(Source: Signs of the Times)

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

(modified from Campus Journal)

Restore to me the joy of Your salvation. –Psalm 51:12

If you’re like me, the idea of transferring from one school to another or one job to another has no appeal. I’m pretty much a stay-where-you-are kind of guy. I went to one junior high school for the full three years. One high school for the full 4 years. One college for 4 years. My wife and I have lived in one house since we got married. I have the same parents I’ve always had. (Oh, yeah, you can’t change those, can you?) I’ve worked in the same career for the last ten years. As you see, I like stability. But I also like what Erin Buecher did.

Erin is an incredible basketball player. She graduated from Rincon Valley Christian High School in California and went on to be an All-American at the University of California at Santa Barbara. For 3 years, she was All-Conference each season. Then she made the big switch.

She went from Division I NCAA UCSB (enrollment 22,000) to Division I NAIA Masters College (enrollment 910). From lots of recognition, huge crowds, and the chance at NCAA tournament play–to a tiny college nestled in a canyon north of LA.

Why did she make the switch? She felt that she was drying up spiritually, and she wanted to be on a Christian campus. It was the spiritual stimulus she needed to grow in her relationship with Christ. And it worked. She felt refreshed and renewed as a follower of Jesus. The important thing is that she took action when she felt spiritually needy. She didn’t sit back and ignore her heart. She didn’t worry about basketball when her need was more basic.

Sometimes we need to make a switch. We need to get out of our comfort zone and cast our future at God’s feet. We need to see if a change will bring us closer to Him. Is God calling you to make a big switch in your life–one that will bring you closer to Him and enable you to serve Him more? You can’t do better than to follow His lead.

LEFTOVERS

AND THAT’S THE NEWS

A TV News reporter demonstrates how easy it is for a terrorist to poison a water supply in Nashville, TN… but ends up being embarrassed about it.

Nashville’s channel 5 reporter Robert Manning wanted to do a hard-nosed, in-depth news report on terrorism, and how easy it would be for terrorists to make their way into the city’s water treatment center. Of course, he thought this would be great for his own career as well. So, at the local government’s expense, he brought the cameras down ”a few hundred yards” from the city’s ”water supply” to show viewers how easily terrorists could contaminate the city’s water. From inside the fence, Robert Manning, big shot reporter, said ”it’s not too hard to crawl underneath (the fence). It took me less than 20 seconds.” He also mocked the city’s recent announcement that they were posting more guards around the plant… when he didn’t see any guards at all. Yep… his in-depth report was going well… this was going to win some award, he was sure of it. Only one problem though. Turns out Manning broke into the city’s sewage treatment plant… not the water treatment plant. ***MARLAR: All he did was show how easy it would be for someone to make potty water even more undrinkable.

LIFE… LIVE IT

PROTECTIVE PIZZA

A recent study shows that if you want to avoid skin cancer, adding pizza more often to your diet might help! German scientists say that pizza can protect you from skin cancer. They say that pizza’s unique mix of ingredients is the perfect combination to keep out the harmful UV rays of the sun. “Our research proves, for the first time in history, the effect normal supermarket groceries have on the skin,” says a spokesman for Dusseldorf University. The professor says their research builds on the recent discovery that just two ounces of tomatoes and olive oil a day can more than triple the skin’s natural ability to protect itself from even the most scorching sun. Tomatoes give the skin “basic protection” say the researchers, but they warn that sun-blocking creams should still be used. ***MARLAR: Either that or apply the pizza sauce directly to your skin.

JUST FOR FUN

SHOW AND SMELL

Shopping for cologne on Internet isn’t easy. After all, it’s impossible to know what to buy if you can’t smell it, right? Soon that will be changing. Enter the iSmell device that will re-create the scent for you. Using a mixture of a few scented oils, the device will emit smells based on digital instructions sent over the Internet or embedded in a computer program. The product which has a bit of a nose-shape to it, is still in development. It’s makers not only envision the device be used to sell products, but also as a way for people to send scented e-mails and video games to include certain smells to enhance the game.  ***MARLAR: I think might want to change the name though.  Think about it. “What’s that?” “i-smell.” “I know you smell, but what’s that thing hooked up to your computer?”

FUN LIST

TOP SEVEN CHURCH OXYMORONS

7. Brief meeting

6. Preacher’s day off

5. Early sign up

4. Clear calendar

3. Volunteer waiting list

2. Realistic budget

1. Concluding remarks

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

If you’re a boss, you might not want to be so quick to ban Facebook and Twitter from the office.  You might be doing yourself a disservice when it comes to employee productivity! (HowStuffWorks.com) Although most people think of social networking sites like Facebook and Twitter as time-wasters, a number of studies have shown just the opposite. In fact, studies show that employees who use social networking sites are 9 percent more productive than those who don’t.  How could sites that take you away from the task at hand make you more productive? Researchers credit social networking sites with giving workers needed brain breathers. When you take a couple of minutes to check up on the people and organizations you follow on Twitter, your mind gets a break from more tedious work.  ***MARLAR: Plus it’s a nice reminder that you do have friends outside of the office… even if they’re only online.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

Every year, Black Friday shopping hours seem to creep closer and closer to the time Thanksgiving dinner is still hot on the table. However, according to Mashable.com, this year, the Mall of America is taking a stand against the trend. The country’s biggest mall will be closed on Thanksgiving Day, saying the day should be spent with family rather than in shopping lines or even stampedes. The shopping center will open at 5 a.m. on Black Friday.  ***Are you listening, store owners?  How about your store being the next one to take a stand!  http://on.mash.to/2dLy5js

A group of Miami police officers gave a 7-year-old boy a morning to remember after “adopting” him for the day so he could go to his school’s yearly “Take Your Dad to School” breakfast. Oscar Portillo usually doesn’t participate since his father was deported from the U.S. three years ago and killed in Honduras. His mother, Lisa Portillo, wanted Oscar to have a chance to experience the breakfast and decided to make a call to the Miami Police Department. Instead of one officer, Oscar got four, who accompanied him to the school breakfast. At the end of the breakfast, all four officers also signed a pledge promising to support Oscar, help him be successful at school and “encourage (him) to do his best every day. http://abcn.ws/2deW4Xu

When your mom used to nag you to “Sit up straight” turns out it was for your own good. A recent study finds that sitting or standing straight with the shoulders pushed back lengthens the spine and actually makes you able to handle pain better. Also taking a “dominate” posture by sitting or standing up straight tells your brain that you are in control of a situation, say researchers at the University of Southern California and Canada’s University of Toronto. That means poor posture hunching over and curling up in a submissive pose not only makes you look weaker, but it makes you feel weaker, too. The researchers believe good posture actually has a chemical effect on the body. Sitting up straight may boost the amount of the aggressive hormone testosterone produced by the body and reduce the quantity of the stress hormone cortisol, which reduces muscle growth and bone density.  In a similar story, if your career is in a slump you might want to check your posture. Researchers at the University of Auckland, New Zealand, found that slouching can sabotage your work performance. Study participants who slumped had lower ratings of self-esteem and mood and higher ratings of anxiety during mock interviews than those who sat upright. That’s because sitting up straight may help you build resilience to high-pressure situations, the researchers say. (Men’s Health)

If you encounter a ‘#X’ followed by silence during a text conversation today you might think the other person fell asleep on their phone, but they’re actually letting you know that they’re about to drive. The symbol acts as shorthand for drivers. It’s meant to alert contacts that the person they’re trying to reach is soon to be driving, and won’t be available to chat. The code was created as part of AT&T’s “It Can Wait” campaign, which encourages drivers to put the phone down and keep their eyes on the road.

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Equal opportunity means everyone will have a fair chance at being incompetent. — Laurence J. Peter

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

OCTOBER 07, 2016…

The Birth Of A Nation—This film by Nate Parker caused quite a stir at Sundance, and now it is on the screen. The story centers in Nate Turner (played by Nate Parker), in the 1830’s, who brought about a slave uprising that killed many white slave owners.  Aja Naomi King plays Nate’s wife, Cherry. “Birth Of A Nation” is rated R. No rating.

The Girl On The Train—Paula Hawkins wrote a novel about a young woman who rides the train and observes what is going past her.  Though, she becomes interested—too interested—in a certain couple and when one goes missing, she suspects foul play. Emily Blunt is the girl on the train with quite a history of her own. Twists and turns here. Also in the cast are Haley Bennett and Justin Theroux. “The Girl On The Train” is rated R.  Rating of 2 for fans of the book.

Middle School: The Worst Years Of My Life—James Patterson wrote a “Middle School” book series and it is now on the screen, centered on Rafe Khatchadorian (Griffen Gluck) as the boy who tries to go through Middle School and adjust to his Mom’s boyfriend. The school principle is no help either. Also in the cast are Lauren Graham, Rob Riggle and Andrew Daly. “Middle School: The Worst Years Of My Life” is rated PG. Rating of 2.

Voyage Of Time (documentary)—Directed by Terence Malick and narrated by Cate Blanchett, this documentary is about Earth, the passage of time, and how life evolves.  Beautiful photography. “Voyage Of Time” is rated PG 13 for themed material. Rating of 2 for documentary fans.

OCTOBER 14, 2016…

Mascots stars Jane Lynch is a comedy about what it takes to be a team mascot.

The Accountant has Ben Affleck playing someone with autism who is also a top-notch person with math figures.

Kevin Hart: What Now?  is Kevin Hart’s concert movie.

Desierto stars Jeffrey Dean Morgan in a thriller along the U.S./Mexican border.

Tower is a documentary on the fatal shootings on a Texas college campus in 1966.

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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.