October 13, 2016: Thursday ONAIRprep

***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS – FREE TO AIR! (Need to receive this earlier than when it’s posted? Get FTP access and receive a fully-produced version FREE with a customized tag specifically for your station or show! Contact me with your ONAIRprep username for details!)

AND NOW… ON WITH THE SHOW!

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20161013

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

We have got to start doing a better job of dusting this studio. It’s just not good enough once a week playing a loud (Beatles) song and trying to vibrate the dirt out of here.

Somebody refresh my memory. How many cars are allowed through a (Chicago) intersection after the light turns red? Is it two or four?

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“Whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father who is in heaven will also forgive you your transgressions.” —Mark 11:25

Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity. –1 Timothy 4:12

Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge. — Psalm 62:8

If you do not obey the LORD, and if you rebel against his commands, his hand will be against you, as it was against your fathers. — 1 Samuel 12:15

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

To the weak I became weak, to win the weak. I have become all things to all men so that by all possible means I might save some. — 1 Corinthians 9:22

Thought: Christ left heaven and came to earth to save us. Paul sacrificed everything to share the Gospel with both Jews and Gentiles. What have we done… what have we left… what have we given up… what have we become… to share Jesus with those we love, know, or influence?

Prayer: Father of mercy, rich in steadfast love, please give me eyes to see those around me who need Jesus, the courage and the humility to share his grace, and the sense of timing to share Jesus with them when they are ready to know of his love. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

1 Corinthians 10:13 NIV = No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

TODAY IS THURSDAY – OCTOBER 13, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
74 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is NATIONAL NUZZLING DAY. ***MARLAR: So, horses get their own holiday?

Today is NATIONAL CLEAN THE CRUMBS OUT OF THE BROILER OVEN DAY. ***Oooh, sounds like fun! Now, what’s a broiler oven again?

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

English Language Day

International Day for Disaster Reduction

International African Penguin Awareness Day

International Day for Failure

Metastatic Breast Cancer Awareness Day

National Chess Day

Navy Birthday

National No Bra Day

Silly Sayings Day

World Sight Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below.)

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 14

Be Bald and Be Free Day

National Costume Swap Day

National Family Bowling Day

Spider-Man Day

World Egg Day

World Standards Day

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 15

Blind Americans Equality Day

Bridge Day

Global Handwashing Day

International Day of Rural Women

I Love Lucy Day

National Cake Decorating Day

National Cheese Curd Day

National Grouch Day

National Latino AIDS Awareness Day

National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

Sweetest Day

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 16

National Feral Cat Day

Department Store Day

Dictionary Day

National Sunday School Teacher Appreciation Day

World Toy Camera Day

World Food Day

MONDAY, OCTOBER 17

Black Poetry Day

National Boss’s Day

International Day for the Eradication of Poverty

Mulligan Day

National Clean Your Virtual Desktop Day

National Edge Day

National Pasta Day

Wear Something Gaudy Day

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 18

Hard Boiled Guy/Girl Day

National Cupcake Day

National Pharmacy Technician Day

Pro-Life Day of Silent Solidarity

World Menopause Day

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 19

Evaluate Your Life Day

Hagfish Day

International Overload Day

Medial Assistants Recognition Day

Support Your Local Chamber of Commerce Day

Unity Day

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 20

Conflict Resolution Day

Get To Know Your Customers Day

Get Smart About Credit Day

International Credit Union Day

Miss American Rose Day

Spirit Day

ON THIS DAY

54: The Roman Emperor Claudius was poisoned by his fourth wife, Agrippina.

1792: The cornerstone of the executive mansion, later known as the White House, was laid in the District of Columbia.

1903: The Boston Red Sox beat the Pittsburgh Pirates to win the first World Series, five games to three.

1957: Superstars Bing Crosby and Frank Sinatra hosted an hour-long TV special on ABC introducing the 1958 Edsel. The TV special was a ratings hit. ***The Edsel wasn’t.

1958: Announcer Ed MacMahon replaced Todd Russell as host Johnny Carson’s sidekick on the TV game show “Who Do You Trust.”

1960: The World Series ended on a home run for the first time. Bill Mazeroski’s bottom-of-the-ninth home run allowed the Pirates to beat the Yankees.

1978: At a British Columbia auction, Houston tavern owner Jim Anderson paid $3,000 for a pair of “bloomers” once worn by Queen Victoria. They are history’s most expensive used bloomers. ***Heck, I wouldn’t pay that much even if the underwear were new!

1990: Mike Seipel set a Guinness world record in Jacksonville, Florida, with a jump of 76 feet 5 inches while waterskiing barefooted.

1996: Miriam Flores, a brunette serving five years for robbery, was crowned Miss Mexico Jailhouse at the women’s prison in Mexico City. She won over 12 other ladies who had been chosen Mexico’s cutest convicts.

1999: A 12-year-old Fairfax, Virginia, boy sent to the principal’s office for misbehaving left school, went to the airport, boarded a TWA plane without a ticket, and flew to St. Louis. The boy called his mother from St. Louis, and TWA flew him back home the next day.

2002: An Oklahoma car thief drove 1,750 miles to get arrested for trying to sell a stolen Corvette on the internet auction site eBay. The alleged buyer was a New York City detective who knew the car was stolen. The detective said the thief probably set a record for driving the longest distance to get arrested.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

539 (BC): The Persian armies of Cyrus the Great captured Babylon. (Babylon, under Nebuchadnezzar, was the former military scourge which had taken Judah into exile in 586 BC (see 2 Kings 25).

1670: In Virginia, slavery was banned for Negroes who arrived in the American colonies as Christians. (The law was repealed in 1682.)

1843: B’nai B’rith (“Sons of the Covenant”) was established in New York City by a group of German Jews. It is both the oldest and the largest of the Jewish fraternal organizations.

1917: The Virgin Mary last appeared to three shepherd children near Fatima, Portugal. Six visions had occurred between May and October, each on the 13th of the month. (This last vision was attended by over 50,000 pilgrims.)

1988: The Bishop of Turin, Italy announced that the Shroud of Turin, long believed to be Christ’s burial sheet, did not withstand scientific testing. It dated back only to 1280, and not to the time of Jesus’ crucifixion (ca. AD 30-33).

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • skater Nancy Kerrigan 47

  • actress (“Martin”) Tisha Campbell 48

  • actress (Sky High, Cat in the Hat, Jack Frost, Jerry Maguire) Kelly Preston 54

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1941 : Paul Simon

1944 : Robert Lamm (Chicago)

1947 : Sammy Hagar

1948 : John Ford Coley

1960 : Marie Osmond

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Where does the saying “Then Bob’s your uncle” come from?

It refers to Robert Salisbury, the uncle of A. J. Balfour, Britain’s prime minister from 1902 to 1905. Lord Salisbury (of steak fame) was prime minister when A.J. was just starting his political career. He got his favorite nephew plum jobs such as chief secretary for Ireland, secretary for Scotland, and president of the Local Government Board. Salisbury’s nepotism became the subject of some controversy, and the expression “Then Bob’s your uncle” came into vogue. Clearly, if Bob (Salisbury) was your uncle, you had it made.

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving three days a week from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

The guys from NeedtoBreathe were showing off their Taxidermy t-shirt over the weekend. They say it’s perfect for fall. However, apple picking, corn mazes, and bonfires are not included.  http://bit.ly/2dB2zWe

There are a lot of new things in Jenny Simmon’s life this month. The former lead singer for the band Addison Road last week released her second book. Over the weekend she gave birth to a baby girl. Jenny posted a picture of her first child holding her brand new baby sister and added: Welcome to the world, Lucy Mae! We’re in love with you already! https://twitter.com/jennysimmons/status/784920035802226688/photo/1

Amy Perry is surrounded by football fans. The member of Selah posted a picture of fellow members Allen Hall and Todd Smith huddled around Todd’s phone and added: You know your boys love football when Todd begins prayer, “God, thank You that Michigan’s winning and we’re sorry for UT..” Amy added: This is my backstage life tonight. Football, I don’t care.

What did you do over the weekend? Francesca Battistelli enjoyed a weekend at home with her family. She posted: Today we went to the Farmer’s Market and ate Chicago dogs and warm cinnamon sugar donuts, looked at pumpkins and bought ALL the things. While the kids napped I made a delicious homemade granola, roasted beef bones and am simmering the bones on the stove now for broth. We don’t get a lot of Saturdays at home, especially in the fall. I’m so thankful for this one.

Do you know the Bible well enough to spot an erroneous quote? Insight for Living is ready to test your knowledge. Try to separate the wheat from the tares in their latest Bible quiz focusing on five areas of ordinary life. http://ow.ly/ts9O3056vFX

Mandisa was playing bingo during this week’s presidential debate. She had a card listing specific political phrases that might be discussed by either candidate. About halfway through she posted: bingo

MercyMe front man Bart Millard was looking for a silver lining after the Texas Rangers were knocked out of the American League playoffs. He posted: at least you kept me from watching the debates.

The Dove Awards were live Tuesday night in Nashville. However, if you missed it, you will also be able to watch it this Sunday on the Trinity Broadcasting Network.

Sonicflood is asking you to help their lead singer, Rick Heil. Crohn’s Disease has left Rick with only 3ft of intestines, which means he is no longer able to absorb the nutrients he needs to function. Without a miracle, his body will literally and slowly starve. Band members say traditional medicine is no longer working so they are attempting to raise $25,000 to fund 2 experimental medical procedures that might be the miracle he needs. In just four days the Go Fund Me campaign raised nearly $8,000.

https://gofund.me/RickHeil?pc=tw_co_share_w&rcid=aae4db368e6f11e68c6abc764e04c5a7

Dove Awards

Artist of the Year: Lauren Daigle

Worship Album of the Year: “Empires” – Hillsong United

Contemporary Christian Artist of the Year: For King and Country

New Artist of the Year: Jordan Feliz

Song of the Year: “Good Good Father” – Chris Tomlin

Gospel Artist of the Year: Kirk Franklin

Southern Gospel Song of the Year: “I Am Blessed” – Karen Peck

Pop Contemporary Album of the Year: “THIS IS NOT A TEST” – Tobymac

Contemporary/Christian Artist of the Year: for King and CountryInspirational Film of the Year: “War Room”

Songwriter of the Year (Artist): Lauren Daigle

Songwriter of the Year (Non-Artist): Jason Ingram

Producer of the Year: Bernie Herms

Recorded Music Packaging for “Empires” – HillsongUnited

Impact Award: The Kendrick Brothers

Pop Contemporary Song of the Year: “Trust In You” – Lauren Daigle

Southern Gospel Artist of the Year: Karen Peck

Inspirational Song of the Year: “Till I Met You” – Laura Story

Rock Contemporary Song of the Year: “Happiness” – NeedToBreathe

Short Form Music Video of the Year: “Live On Forever” – The Afters

Christmas Album of the Year: “Christmas Is Here” – Danny Gokey

Blue Grass Country Album of the Year: “Small Town” – Jeff & Sherri Easter

Country Song of the Year: “Small Town Someone (Lunch)” – Jeff & Sherri Easter

Rock Contemporary Album of the Year for The Wonderlands: Sunlight & Shadows Jon Foreman

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. As on ONAIRprep subscriber, you can get a fully-produced, customized version of the Daily Dose of Weird News FREE with a station or show specific tag! Email darren@onairprep.com for details!)

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

Ronald McDonald, the iconic clown mascot of McDonald’s, is laying low until the clown craze in the country dies down. According to Time, the fast-food giant announced earlier this week Americans will see less of the recognizable red-haired jester in the yellow suit as a result of the “current climate around clown sightings in communities.”  ***So Grimace is taking over… because a giant purple talking blob is apparently less scary than a smiling guy in makeup.

In the aftermath of Hurricane Matthew’s path through Florida, it may have been the oddest call to 911 operators: a bald eagle had gotten stuck in the grille of a car. A driver in the area near Jacksonville made the unique emergency call. Officials said the mature male bird was pulled out and turned over to the Bird Emergency Aid Sanctuary.  ***My dad used to have a Thunderbird… it was awesome.

Hurricane Matthew gave beach goers an unexpected surprise last weekend, as the storm generated powerful currents that unearthed a pile of cannonballs near Charleston, South Carolina that are thought to date to the Civil War era. The Charleston County Sheriff’s office was called to investigate, and brought in its bomb technicians along with specialists from the U.S. Air Force. ***Turns out the bombs were just the most recent Adam Sandler movies.

So, you’ve got a beautiful BMW E30 M3 and now Hurricane Matthew is coming. Just how far would you go to protect your prized vehicle? In Port St. Lucie, Florida, Randy Jalil become a viral sensation among car enthusiasts after he posted Instagram photos of his “Beemer” parked inside his living room!  ***Sadly, that didn’t leave any room for his family so they had to wait outside.

Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump shouldn’t wait around for an endorsement from red sweater fan Ken Bone. He told MSNBC on Tuesday: “I’m not going to be doing any press for either campaign. I’m happy to do as much media as people need to me to talk about the process and talk about getting people out to vote. I will state that I will not endorse either candidate and you will not hear me saying who I will be voting for before the election is over. If you hear that, it’s not me.”  ***I would say the red sweater means he’ll be voting for the most communist candidate… but that doesn’t really narrow things down for us.

Just weeks before Election Day, the Trump campaign has reportedly cancelled ad-buys in must-win battleground states including Florida, North Carolina, Ohio, Pennsylvania and Colorado.  ***So apparently Donnie has finally figured out that the White House would be a step down for him both financially in home square-footage, and maybe he doesn’t want the gig after all.  You couldn’t have to this conclusion a year ago?

It was a “Tweeting Tuesday” this week as Donald Trump took shots at the Republican establishment and announced that “the shackles are off” in the home stretch of his run for the White House against Hillary Clinton.  ***Wait… the shackles have been ON this entire time?  Really?  What’s this guy going to be like with the shackles off?  Does he turn big and green if you get him mad?  Does he control metal with only his mind?

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

When you order decaffeinated coffee, you’re coffee apparently isn’t entirely decaffeinated. A University of Florida study shows almost all decaf coffee contains some caffeine. This could be big for people told to avoid caffeine because of certain medical conditions such as high blood pressure, kidney disease or anxiety disorders. Researchers say that if someone drinks five to 10 cups of decaffeinated coffee a day, it could equal a cup or two of caffeinated coffee. The thing to remember is that decaffeinated coffee is not the same as caffeine-free coffee.  ***Caffeine-free coffee… the idea that something like that even exists is disturbing to me.  Does anyone actually drink caffeine-free coffee?  What’s the point of that?   That’s like whipped potatoes made with skim milk.  It’s pointless.  It’s like driving a sports car with an automatic transmission.  

 

According to a recent poll, 38% of dog owners love their pets more than they love their partner. The survey of dog owners finds “they are companions who provide emotional support and joy in our lives.”  ***And have no idea how to log on to AshleyMadison.com.  

 

You don’t think you’re hooked on Facebook — but all those sneaky workday News Feed peeks add up. According to numbers from Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg, they really, really do. It was revealed by the company that the average user spends 46 minutes per day on Facebook.  *** 46 minutes per day on Facebook?  I hit that mark before finishing my morning coffee. 

 

The director of the Congressional Budget Office admitted that nearly 800,000 Americans will lose their jobs before 2021 as a result of Obamacare.  ***Aaaah, so when they said the new health care law would save money, what they really meant is that we’d be firing a bunch of people and wouldn’t have to pay them!

WONDER WOMAN (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Rush Hour”

DAILY COMEDY CLIP (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Robert G. Lee, “Random Thoughts”

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THURSDAY’S EPISODE


OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, Gruffy Bear and Sully the Aardvark were about to go head to head in their regular checkers match… and it sounds as if they don’t pull any punches when it comes to playing the game or even trying to intimidate each other before the game begins!

CLOSE: Can’t miss them? I don’t even know what Gruffy is TALKING about! I don’t think I could follow those directions if they were printed out through MapQuest and fed into a GPS system! And who is this new guy… Grizz? We’ll find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF OCTOBER 15/16

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, all of the jungle animals were so scared of a giant-footed monster (a monster that no one had ever really seen, but assumed existed because they saw the footprints) that they’ve all decided to pack up their belongings, and sell everything they own to make it easier to run away!

CLOSE: Who’s going to buy furniture from a skunk? Not without a LOT of Febreeze, at least. And now all of the jungle animals have just as much junk as they started with, they’re still in the jungle, and there is still a giant-footed creature on the loose that nobody has seen! Find out what happens next time, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

Have you ever tested Burger King to see if you really can get it “your way”?  Turns out they don’t really mean that in all circumstances!

A man tried to walk through the drive-through window at a Burger King in Salt Lake City, Utah, around 9:30 Monday night. When the restaurant staff told him they didn’t serve pedestrians at the window, the man beat on the glass and then stepped to a nearby pay phone in sight of the staff. The suspect then called police and made a bomb threat on the Burger King. He was found a few minutes later and was arrested.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU’VE HAD TOO MUCH COFFEE

10. You get a speeding ticket even when you’re parked

9. You have to watch videos in fast-forward

8. You lick your coffee pot clean

7. The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse

6. You can type sixty words a minute with your feet

5. You can jump-start your car without cables

4. Your only sources of nutrition comes from “Sweet & Low”

3. You don’t sweat, you percolate

2. You’re so wired you pick up FM radio

1. Starbuck’s owns the mortgage on your house

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Sleeping on the job is never a good thing – especially if you’re a burglar!

FILE #1: A security guard caught a teenaged burglar napping in an armchair just before dawn at a medical college in central Malaysia. Police in the city were called after the man, a factory worker, was discovered sound asleep, his loot beside him. A police official said the burglar’s haul was about $530 worth of audio-visual equipment.

FILE #2: Kevin Shegog was charged in Highland Heights, Ky., with eight gas station robberies when police finally found a witness who could identify the getaway car: It was the one with the license plate with Kevin’s last name – “SHEGOG.”

FILE #3: The law is the law… whether you think that law is for the birds or not. And Helen Smith thinks that one particular law in her neighborhood really is for the birds… or AGAINST the birds… against her… whatever. Anyway, Mrs. Smith is scheduled to go before a judge because she has been cited for feeding the birds. She does it in her own yard… the same yard she’s done it in since she was a little girl… and now she’s 86 years old. But, no matter, it’s against city code to feed the birds so she’s going to court. If found guilty she could be fined up to $1,000. Of course, Mrs. Smith thinks the law is the most ridiculous thing she’s ever heard, but her neighbors are complaining that the feedings are also attracting rodents and causing unsanitary conditions.

STRANGE LAW: In Australia, it is illegal to roam the streets wearing black clothes, felt shoes and black shoe polish on your face as these items are the tools of a cat burglar.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

If you’re going to squat — don’t grow pot.

Authorities in Lincoln, Nebraska, report a man called police for help, saying someone was breaking into his apartment. When officers arrived, they found the apartment manager trying to get into a unit that was supposed to be vacant. Police say the man who had called them was in the apartment illegally. Officers report finding three pounds of pot, equipment used to grow it and nearly $3,500 in cash. The alleged squatter was busted.

PHONER PHUN

Yesterday was Columbus Day – a holiday simply because a guy got lost and hit a land he thought was India, but was actually America. If you think about it, it’s an odd reason to have a national holiday. What holidays exist that you feel shouldn’t? Or better yet, what holidays don’t exist that you think should?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Paul was in a shipwreck off the shore of Malta. How many people were aboard this wrecked ship?
ANSWER: 276 (Acts 27:37)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: According to recent news reports, what animal should children not keep as a pet?  Hamsters, baby chicks, lizards, turtles, and ____?

ANSWER: Hedgehogs. (A new report says young children should not keep hedgehogs as pets — or hamsters, baby chicks, lizards and turtles, for that matter — because of risk of disease.  According to the nation’s leading pediatricians’ group, exotic pets can carry dangerous and sometimes potentially deadly germs.  And the report says such pets may be more prone than cats and dogs to bite, scratch or claw — putting children younger than 5 particularly at risk.  Young children are vulnerable because of developing immune systems plus they often put their hands in their mouths.  That means families with children younger than 5 should avoid owning “nontraditional” pets.  The report from the American Academy of Pediatrics says kids that young should avoid contact with these animals in petting zoos or other public places.)

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. Gary Burgoff, who played Radar on the TV show M*A*S*H, had a deformed left hand. (True – he always kept his left hand out of the view of the camera, either in his pocket or under a clipboard, because his left hand is deformed.)

2. Elvis had a twin brother. (True – his named was Garon, and he died at birth, which is why Elvis’ middle name was spelled Aaron – in honor of his brother.)

3. Ernest Vincent Wright wrote a novel, “Gadsby”, which contains over 50,000 words none of them containing the letter “E.” (True. Uh, that is… Tru. Troo?)

4. Orville Wright was involved in the first aircraft accident. (True.)

5. What we call a sandwich is named after a real person. (True. Born on November 2, 1718, British politician, John Montagu, the 4th Earl of Sandwich, is credited with naming the “sandwich”. He developed a habit of eating beef between slice of toast so he could continue to play cards uninterrupted.)

6. The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in jelly. (True.)

7. A “Blue Moon” is not only rare, but is actually blue. (False. A “blue moon” is the second full moon in a calendar month and is rarely blue).

8. A bibliophile is a collector of bibles. (False – it’s a collector of rare books. And a bibliopole is a seller of rare books.)

9. A ghost writer pens horror stories. (False – a ghost writer is simply the author of an anonymous book.)

10. Similar to an epitaph, an epithalamium is a poem written for a funeral. (False – it’s a poem written to celebrate a wedding)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

__________ BANS FRENCH FRIES IN AMERICA (WHITE HOUSE)

WASHINGTON, DC – President Obama issued an Executive Order banning the production and/or consumption of French Fries!

The White House has had enough with the obese in America.  ”Americans can no longer be trusted to eat the right food,” said Michelle Obama to the National Nutrition Association (NNA).  Soon after, President Obama issued an Executive Order banning French Fries in America.

Any restaurant serving french fries will be heavily fined, as will any individuals eating french fries in public OR in their own home,” said Jay Carney, the White House Press Secretary.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

A man entered a stationery store and asked the clerk for a ‘birthday/anniversary card.’ The clerk replied, ‘We have birthday cards and we have anniversary cards. Why not take one of each?’

The man said, ‘You don’t understand. I need a card that covers both events. You see, we’re celebrating the fifth anniversary of my wife’s thirty-fourth birthday.’

JOKE #2

Prior to their wedding, David and Susan met with the minister to discuss their marriage ceremony and various traditions, such as lighting the unity candle from two individual candles. Couples usually blow out the two candles as a sign of becoming one. Their minister said that many people were now leaving their individual candles lit to signify independence and personal freedom. He asked if they wanted to extinguish our candles or leave them burning. After thinking about it, David replied, “How about if we leave mine lit and blow out hers?”

JOKE #3

Little Johnny, dressed in his Sunday best, was running as fast as he could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As he ran he prayed, “Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late! Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late!”

As he was running and praying, he tripped on a curb and fell, getting his clothes dirty and tearing his pants. He got up, brushed himself off, and started running again. As he ran he once again began to pray, “Dear Lord, please 
don’t let me be late… and please – don’t shove me again, either!”

USELESS FACTS

A study shows that the sound of barking actually raises stress levels in dogs.  ***Is it any wonder they only live one seventh as long as humans?  They get stressed out simply by holding a conversation.

If patients visiting the emergency room of Oakwood Hospital in Dearborn, Michigan, don’t see a doctor in thirty minutes a policy stipulates that they will receive an apology and free movie passes.  ***This seems like a pretty good deal to me considering it’s cheaper nowadays to go to the emergency room than a movie theater.

FEATURED FUNNIES

MARK THIS PACKAGE “FRAGILE?”

A gracious lady was mailing an old family Bible to a relative across the country.  The postal clerk asked her, “Is there anything breakable in the package?”

The lady answered with a smile, “Only the Ten Commandments!”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

Don’t bring a waffle to a gun fight!

Next time you’re eating at the Waffle House on Paxville Highway in Manning, South Carolina, don’t mess with 29-year-old waitress Yakeisha Ward. Of course you probably won’t have a chance to as she’s in jail now after a dispute with a customer. Ward got into an argument with customer Crystal Samuel. Samuel allegedly ended up throwing a waffle at the waitress. That’s when Ward jumped over the counter and as Samuel said, “We got into it.” The fight moved outside where Ward got a gun from her car and while she didn’t shoot Samuel, she did allegedly pistol whip her in the head. About that time police rolled up and arrested Ward. As for Ms. Samuel, she said she has only one thing to say about Waffle House — “bad customer service!”

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

FOR THE GARDEN OF YOUR DAILY LIVING

PLANT THREE ROWS OF PEAS:
1. Peace of mind
2. Peace of heart
3. Peace of soul

PLANT FOUR ROWS OF SQUASH:
1. Squash gossip
2. Squash indifference
3. Squash grumbling
4. Squash selfishness

PLANT FOUR ROWS OF LETTUCE:
1. Lettuce be faithful
2. Lettuce be kind
3. Lettuce be patient
4. Lettuce really love one another

NO GARDEN WITHOUT TURNIPS:
1. Turnip for meetings
2. Turnip for service
3. Turnip to help one another

TO CONCLUDE OUR GARDEN WE MUST HAVE THYME:
1. Thyme for God
2. Thyme for family
3. Thyme for friends
4. Thyme for each other

WATER FREELY WITH PATIENCE AND CULTIVATE WITH LOVE. THERE IS MUCH FRUIT IN YOUR GARDEN BECAUSE YOU REAP WHAT YOU SOW.

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

It’s right about now that people begin seriously thinking about taking a vacation away from the cold, and spending some time down south where the sand is warm, the trees bare coconuts, and the only snow you see is made of Styrofoam on the Christmas displays.

It’s strange how this works.  You drive a thousand miles, sit on the beach, enjoy the warmth of the sun as it beams down on your body which craves toasty temperatures. You love every UV ray.  Then after a few days you get back in the van, drive a thousand miles back home, and suddenly there’s no sun to be seen anywhere.  You get out of the van and nearly freeze your toes off – and you rush to back inside, back to indoor warmth.

What exactly happens here?  Is the sun missing when you leave Rockford, IL?  Do you really have to drive 1,000 miles to find the sun again?  Is the sun AWOL from the Rock River Valley and only present on the Gulf Coast?  Why does the sun warm you so well on the beach, and yet seem almost irrelevant here in northern Illinois?

After all, it’s the same sun – that huge source of all warmth.  It’s the same brilliant light in the sky.  So why do we have to drive so far away in order to feel its effects? Simply this: In Illinois, stuff gets between us and the sun.

Nothing about the sun has changed. But at the beach, we can enjoy the sun without the blockage from clouds, the discomfort of cold air fronts, and the rays coming in at a different angle.
Think about two Christians. Maybe you and a friend. The friend seems to bask in the warmth of God’s love, the comfort of God’s grace, and the hope of God’s promises. But sometimes you can’t feel the closeness of that same heavenly Father. What happened here? Was it God’s fault? Was He farther away from you than from your friend? Do you have two different Gods?
Of course not.
For a variety of reasons, you’ve allowed something to block God from having an impact on your life. Maybe it’s a cloud of sin. Maybe it’s the indifference of a cold heart. Perhaps you’ve allowed yourself to drift away from him.
Just as the sun is the same everywhere, yet it affects us differently because of where we are, so also God is the same for each of us. In your day to day walk, you can find ways to remove the blockages by confessing your faults to Him (1 John 1:9). Let the warm light of God’s own “sun” shine on you today.  That’s way better than a day at the beach.

LEFTOVERS

A woman pretends to get pregnant – then pretends her children died. And she made a profit from it!

An Anchorage, Alaska woman pleaded no contest to theft because she faked a pregnancy in order to get gifts from her friends and Co-workers. 24 year old Erica Duran told friends and Co-workers she was pregnant, collected more than $500 worth of cash and gifts, and what’s worse is that she then arranged a memorial service for her “made up” stillborn twins. According to the Anchorage Daily News, her attorney said that she lied about being pregnant because her husband put pressure on her to become pregnant.

LIFE… LIVE IT

LISTENING TO (THE JOCK SHOW) CAN HELP YOU LIVE LONGER!

Researchers in Copenhagen, Denmark say you can add 20 years to your life and enjoy better health just by laughing a lot. They say a heart belly laugh once a day is as good for your heart as an hour of aerobic exercise. Here are there tips on how you can laugh longer and harder and add years to your life…

  • Collect jokes: Funny stories not only get you laughing, they help your friends, too. Listening to jokes and telling them will add many minutes of laughter to your day.

  • See a funny movie or TV show: Comedies tickle your funny bone and provide you with endless hours of delight.

  • Read the funnies: There are enough zany characters in the comics in the paper each day to guarantee a good laugh or three.

  • Find a funny friend: Anyone who delights you and makes you giggle is worth his weight in gold.

  • Do something silly: Go to an amusement park, rollerskate, wear a goofy hat. You’ll find plenty of laughs if you just loosen up a little.

  • Hang out with kids: They know how to laugh until their sides split and they’ll help you recapture that joy.

  • Listen to (THE JOCK SHOW): You need the laughs… I need the ratings!

JUST FOR FUN

A CUT ABOVE THE REST
Often times it only looks like your hairdresser was blindfolded when they cut your hair, but Ashok Jhalani is the real deal.

…the barber from India claims to have cut hair blindfolded for the past 20 years – without ever injuring a customer. Jhalani, one of the most popular hairdressers in the town of Indore, says he started wearing the blindfold to do something different. After initially cutting his finger a few times, he eventually got the hang of it. And now customers say he cuts their hair just they want it even though he can’t see. But anyone wanting to have their hair cut by Jhalani has to be prepared to pay a bit extra – a blindfolded haircut costs ten times more than a usual cut.  ***MARLAR: If I can get a raise ten times my salary, I’ll be happy to do this show blindfolded.

FUN LIST

LIST OF WEAPONS THAT DON’T EXIST, BUT SHOULD

I have no idea why I find these funny, but I couldn’t stop laughing when I first read them.

  • Acid Balloon

  • Giant Paper (Note: the Giant Paper can be beaten by the Giant Scissors)

  • Giant Rock (Note: the Giant Rock can be destroyed by the Giant Paper)

  • Giant Scissors (Note: the Giant Scissors can be stopped by the Giant Rock)

  • Crocodile with Crocodiles for Limbs

  • Sharpened Hamster

  • The ADD Gun

  • Catapult that Catapults Catapults

  • Dance Revolution-Camouflage Land Mine

  • Radioactive Vegetables

  • Laser Guided Polar Bear

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

You think your life is boring? Wait til you hear about the “egg sandwich guy.”

A 54-year-old man from Belgium has eaten an egg sandwich every day for 38 years, and he has thousands of photos to prove it. Otto Verman started the strange habit in 38 years ago as a college stunt and has photographed himself daily over the years eating 12-thousand of the sandwiches to keep the streak going.  ***MARLAR: And to document when, exactly, his heart finally stops.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

As promised, Cleveland Browns running back Isaiah Crowell donated his first game paycheck to the Dallas Fallen Officer Foundation as penance for posting a “disturbing and unacceptable” drawing on Instagram in July. Crowell quickly deleted the Instagram photo shortly after posting it on July 6 to protest police shootings of black men in Louisiana and Minnesota. Showing remorse for his action, Crowell pledged to donate a paycheck to the Dallas Fallen Officer Foundation and soon accepted an invitation from the organization’s president to attend the funeral of a slain officer. Crowell donated 35 thousand 300 dollars to the foundation.  http://yhoo.it/2cUucHe

Six years ago, Marine Sgt. John Peck had all four of his limbs blown off by an explosion in Afghanistan. According to NPR, thanks to a double arm transplant, he is talking about the miracle of holding his fiancee’s hand and feeling the pressure when she squeezes. The 31 year old underwent a 14-hour surgery in August, performed by a team of 60 doctors, nurses and other medical personnel in Boston, the hospital’s director of upper extremity transplantation. Doctors say it will be nine to 12 months before the nerves in Peck’s new arms are fully functional again. Still, Peck said he can lift his arms and is relearning to brush his teeth, dress and feed himself. Peck says his goal is to achieve the dream he’s had since he was a boy: to become a world-class chef. http://n.pr/2dFTWLZ

Aiden Heath’s collecting of pennies paid off this as he came face-to-snout finally with his very own service dog, Angel. According to Yahoo.com, Soon after the 8 year old Vermont boy was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes four years ago, he learned about canines trained to help monitor glucose levels in people. Each service dog costs $15,000 so he started to save, one penny at a time. He kept it up for little more than four years, even nicknaming the little red wagon that toted his coins around “Brinks.” In April, when Aiden was about $9,000 from his goal, news coverage of his effort helped bring in donations from across the U.S. Almost overnight, Aiden raised more than $20,000 and this week his new dog was delivered. http://abcn.ws/2d5b3qW

Many Americans started their weekend a little early Friday with a cup of coffee and a police officer – but it was a good thing. Police departments across the country celebrated “Coffee with a Cop” day late last week. The meet-and-greet was first introduced in March of 2011 in Hawthorne California and has now spread around the country and is recognized by nearly every law enforcement agency in the U.S. The police are hoping that the gesture of communicating on a personal level with their community will alleviate fear and anxiety that others may have about officers, while helping police better understand their community. http://fw.to/IU2b1EI

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

I don’t see why people waste good money buying blenders. A garbage disposal works just as well, and it comes with the apartment. –Paul Paternoster

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

OCTOBER 07, 2016…

The Birth Of A Nation—This film by Nate Parker caused quite a stir at Sundance, and now it is on the screen. The story centers in Nate Turner (played by Nate Parker), in the 1830’s, who brought about a slave uprising that killed many white slave owners.  Aja Naomi King plays Nate’s wife, Cherry. “Birth Of A Nation” is rated R. No rating.

The Girl On The Train—Paula Hawkins wrote a novel about a young woman who rides the train and observes what is going past her.  Though, she becomes interested—too interested—in a certain couple and when one goes missing, she suspects foul play. Emily Blunt is the girl on the train with quite a history of her own. Twists and turns here. Also in the cast are Haley Bennett and Justin Theroux. “The Girl On The Train” is rated R.  Rating of 2 for fans of the book.

Middle School: The Worst Years Of My Life—James Patterson wrote a “Middle School” book series and it is now on the screen, centered on Rafe Khatchadorian (Griffen Gluck) as the boy who tries to go through Middle School and adjust to his Mom’s boyfriend. The school principle is no help either. Also in the cast are Lauren Graham, Rob Riggle and Andrew Daly. “Middle School: The Worst Years Of My Life” is rated PG. Rating of 2.

Voyage Of Time (documentary)—Directed by Terence Malick and narrated by Cate Blanchett, this documentary is about Earth, the passage of time, and how life evolves.  Beautiful photography. “Voyage Of Time” is rated PG 13 for themed material. Rating of 2 for documentary fans.

OCTOBER 14, 2016…

Mascots stars Jane Lynch is a comedy about what it takes to be a team mascot.

The Accountant has Ben Affleck playing someone with autism who is also a top-notch person with math figures.

Kevin Hart: What Now?  is Kevin Hart’s concert movie.

Desierto stars Jeffrey Dean Morgan in a thriller along the U.S./Mexican border.

Tower is a documentary on the fatal shootings on a Texas college campus in 1966.

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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.