October 14, 2015: Wednesday ONAIRprep

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PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20151014

 

 

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Today’s (JOCK SHOW) will be brought to you in its entirety, even though I’m only half here.

 

My checkbook is so screwed up – because I work in radio. To radio people everything is about TIME. Sixty seconds in a minute, sixty minutes in an hour. Time is money? I don’t think so – because to a radio guy, sixty cents makes a dollar. Why not? Sixty seconds makes an entire minute – shouldn’t sixty cents make an entire dollar? A quarter is twenty-five cents, yet a quarter-hour is only fifteen minutes. I see fifteen cents in my bank account, I assume I’ve got a quarter of a dollar. I was independently wealthy on the day I found out I was broke.

 

 

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“The soul of a lazy man desires, and has nothing; but the soul of the diligent shall be made rich.” — Proverbs 13:4

 

Remember your Creator in the days of your youth, before the days of trouble come and the years approach when you will say, “I find no pleasure in them.” –Ecclesiastes 12:1

 

 

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. — Proverbs 3:5-6

 

Thought: When things are tough, I find it easy to call on God and lean on his mercy and grace. He’s my ripcord Savior. But I must confess, when I’m reveling in his blessings and things are going well, I am so much like the Israelites and forget to acknowledge that all the blessings I have and all the opportunities I have received come because of his grace. In my joy and success, I need to learn to acknowledge him and not trust on my own wisdom and strength when things appear to be going well!

 

Prayer: Gracious Father, every good thing I have in my life has come because of you. The family I have been blessed with, the protection I have received, the values that I hold, the successes I have enjoyed, the hope I have, the salvation I have received, and the future I anticipate are all mine because of your grace and not my goodness. Thank you! Thank you! In the name of Jesus I thank you more! Amen.

 

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

 

 

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

John 10:14 NIV = “I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me—

 

 

TODAY IS WEDNESDAY – OCTOBER 14, 2015

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 72 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.  

 

Today is BE BALD AND BE FREE DAY, a day to go shiny and be proud. ***MARLAR: And thank goodness for guys like Patrick Stewart and Sean Connery that make that possible.

 

Today is NATIONAL DESSERT DAY.  ***MARLAR: Actually, it’s National Desert Day – but who wants to celebrate sand and heat?  So I just added another letter “s” to make the day more enjoyable for everyone.

 

Today is NATIONAL CHOCOLATE COVERED INSECT DAY.  ***MARLAR: Well, so much for dessert being enjoyable. I’d rather be in the desert.

 

Today is NATIONAL FRUMP DAY.  ***MARLAR: Believe it or not, this day is a good day – but according to the dictionary a frump is “a girl or woman regarded as dull, plain, or unfashionable.”  This time FRUMP is an acronym – standing for Frugal, Responsible, Unpretentious, Mature People.  But then, how unpretentious or mature are you if you call someone frumpy?

 

 

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Be Bald and Be Free Day

National Costume Swap Day

National Family Bowling Day (Kids Bowl Free Day)

Spider-Man Day

World Egg Day

World Standards Day

 

 

COMING UP NEXT

(Note: Just because holiday is listed here it does not mean we are endorsing it.)

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 15

Blind Americans Equality Day

Bridge Day

Global Hand Washing Day

International Day of Rural women

I Love Lucy Day

National Cake Decorating Day

National Grouch Day

National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

Sweetest Day

 

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 16

National Feral Cat Day

Department Store Day

Dictionary Day

National Sunday School Teacher Appreciation Day

World Toy Camera Day

World Food Day

 

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 17

Black Poetry Day

Boss’s Day (National Boss Day)

International Day for the Eradication of Poverty

Mulligan Day

National Pasta Day

National Clean Your Virtual Desktop Day

Wear Something Gaudy Day

 

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 18

Hard Boiled Guy/Girl Day

National Chocolate Cupcake Day

Pro-Life Day of Silent Solidarity

World Menopause Day

 

MONDAY, OCTOBER 19

Evaluate Your Life Day

Hagfish Day

Information Overload Day

Medical Assistants Recognition Day

Support Your Local Chamber of Commerce Day

Unity Day

 

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 20

Birth of the Bab

Miss American Rose Day

 

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 21

Celebration of The Mind Day

Unity Day

Hagfish Day

Information Overload Day

Global Iodine Deficiency Disorder (IDD) Prevention Day

Medical Assistants Recognition Day

Pro-Life Day of Silent Solidarity

Reptile Awareness Day

Support Your Local Chamber of Commerce

Caps Locks Day

 

 

ON THIS DAY

1912: Theodore Roosevelt, campaigning for the presidency, was shot in the chest in Milwaukee. Despite the wound, he went ahead with a scheduled speech.

 

1954: The Cecile B. DeMille epic “The Ten Commandments” began filming in Egypt. It starred Charleton Heston and 25,000 extras.

 

1968: John Bruener and Neal Watson made history’s deepest scuba dive, 437 feet, off Freeport, Grand Bahama.  ***MARLAR: Some people will go to any lengths to recover a child’s lost mouth-retainer.

 

1986: Dallas deejay Tom Joyner began doing two radio shows a day, a morning show at KKDA in Dallas and an afternoon show at WGCI in Chicago. Supposedly, he flew back and forth five days a week for almost seven years.

 

1996: Two Colombian thieves who robbed a Bogata bank of $16-hundred were mugged a block from the bank and relieved of the loot. Police caught the bank robbers, the muggers escaped.

 

2002: Britain’s Royal Society of Chemistry recognized the contribution to forensic science made by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s famous detective Sherlock Holmes with a coveted honorary fellowship. The chemists said when Holmes used his knowledge of chemistry to crack cases, he broke important ground in crime detection. It was the first time British chemists had honored a fictional character.

 

2003: In Game Six of the National League Championship Series, a Cubs fan inadvertently deflected a foul ball away from the outstretched glove of Chicago outfielder Moises Alou. The Florida Marlins, trailing 3-0 at the time, rallied to win the game. The Marlins also won game seven, and then beat the New York Yankees in the World Series.

 

2005: Eighty-three-year-old Edward Saint John found a winning million dollar lottery ticket in the trash outside of a Massachusetts convenience store. He had found a thousand dollar winner in the same trash can a few months earlier. He collected on both.

 

 

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1656: The first punitive legislation in Massachusetts against Quakers was enacted. (The marriage of church-and-state in Puritanism made them regard the ritual-free Quakers as spiritually apostate and politically subversive).

 

1735: Methodist pioneer John Wesley first set sail to America, to minister to the Indians under Georgia Gov. Oglethorpe. On this same date, Wesley began keeping his famous, 55-year-long journal, whose last entry was dated Oct 24, 1790.

 

1835: Birth of William G. Fischer, American sacred chorister. Three of his compositions later became hymn tunes: FISCHER (“Whiter Than Snow”), HANKEY (“I Love to Tell the Story”) and ROCK OF REFUGE (“The Rock That is Higher Than I”).

 

1876: Birth of Harry A. Ironside, American clergyman. Converted at 14, he preached for the Salvation Army, later for the Plymouth Brethren. From 1930-1948, he pastored at the Moody Memorial Church in Chicago.

 

1983: The National Council of Churches issued “The Inclusive Language Lectionary — ” Scripture readings translated to omit or blur gender references. God was thus called “Father and Mother” or “the One”; and “man” was replaced by “humanity” or “humankind.” The translation proved short-lived.

 

 

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actor (12 Monkeys, Primal Fear, Dear God, “U.C.: Undercover,” “Kevin Hill”) Jon Seda 45
  • comic (“Night Court”, “Cheers”) Harry Anderson is 63 (
    )
  • designer Ralph Lauren 76
  • actor (James Bond: 007) Roger Moore 88 (
    )

 

 

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1907 : Allan Jones

1926 : Bill Justis

1930 : Robert Parker

1938 : Melba Montgomery

1940 : Cliff Richard

1942 : Billy Harrison (Them)

1945 : Colin Hodgkinson (Whitesnake)

1946 : Justin Hayward The Moody Blues)

1946 : Dan McCafferty (Nazareth)

1948 : Marcia Barrett (Boney M)

1958 : Thomas Dolby

1959 : A.J. Pero (Twisted Sister)

1965 : Karyn White

1974 : Natalie Maines (The Dixie Chicks)

1975 : Shaznay Lewis (All Saints)

1978 : Usher

 

 

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Do you have the right to a lawyer if you are arrested?

You have the right to one, yes, but whether you will get one depends upon your circumstances. The Sixth Amendment provides that the accused has the right to assistance of counsel in all criminal prosecutions. But in 1979, the Supreme Court determined that only those defendants facing the possibility of going to prison for more than six months and who could not afford an attorney were entitled to an attorney at the government’s expense. Nevertheless, courts will usually appoint counsel for an indigent defendant any time he or she faces a prison sentence. So, while you might have a right to a lawyer, if you are not “indigent” you will not get one for free. And if you can’t afford one, even if you are not indigent, you are out of luck.

 

 

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

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An anniversary of sorts for Casting Crowns bass player Chris Huffman this weekend. He tweeted: This past week 14 years ago, I moved out of my parents house to join Casting Crowns. Such fun we’ve had over the years and we ain’t done yet!

 

Mercyme is showing up in the playoffs. St. Louis Cardinals left fielder Matt Holliday used the Mercyme song Greater as his walk up song during their playoff game last week.

 

The definition of words continues to change. The latest is the word Stupid, which now can mean something is exceptionally good. Over the weekend Building 429’s Jason Roy issued an endorsement of the Hawk Nelson album Diamonds. Jason tweeted: This record is stupid good ya’ll. Go get it!

 

Worship leader Paul Baloche says his life now includes subways, trains, and airplanes. Earlier this year Paul and his wife Rita moved from their long time home in Texas to New York City so they could be closer to family. As part of the move, the couple sold their car. He says that has meant a change in how they get around.  PHONER: Could you give up your car?

 

Ready or not, Josh Wilson is getting prepped for dad life. Over the weekend he was presented with a bottle of root beer, complete with a baby bottle nipple.

https://instagram.com/p/8nh1xaBkRW/

 

Kutless member James Mead is asking for prayer. He tweeted: Please pray for my Dad. Found out today that he has cancer.

 

 

ODD & WEIRD NEWS…

UConn mac and cheese incident spawns fundraisers    photo
HARTFORD, Conn. (AP) — UConn students are trying to use an embarrassing video about macaroni and cheese to raise a little cheddar. The video of a fellow student berating food service workers who refused to sell him jalapeno-bacon mac and cheese prompted a group of students to start an online…

 

Woman stops intruder with medieval combat skills, sword
INDIANAPOLIS (AP) — An Indiana woman says her training in medieval combat helped her corner a home intruder. The Indianapolis Star reports (http://indy.st/1OsFqSo) 43-year-old Karen Dolley of Indianapolis threw punches until she had the man cornered during the Thursday night break-in. She…
Face-down dummy Halloween prank prompts repeated 911 calls    photo
DETROIT (AP) — A dummy placed face down in a Detroit woman’s front yard as a Halloween prank has prompted repeated visits by police. HASH(0x1412030) By Friday, there were no calls. “Just a dummy,” says Officer Shanelle Williams. Haddon says she puts the dummy face down in a different location…
Police: Teen left court docs about auto theft in stolen car
ST. PETERSBURG, Fla. (AP) — Authorities say an 18-year-old man drove a stolen car to police headquarters to pick up court papers about a previous auto theft he was involved in — documents that were found in yet another stolen car. Carnell Eugene Butler now faces charges in three stolen…
Missing snake found under dryer tried to slither away
ORLANDO, Fla. (AP) — Elvis the king cobra put up a fight, even briefly escaping, as animal control officers tried to lure it from underneath a dryer in an Orlando woman’s garage. The snake had been missing from its owner’s home since Sept. 1 and was found Wednesday in the garage about a…
Thai beauty queen to dress like a tuk-tuk at Miss Universe    photo
BANGKOK (AP) — The smoke-belching, ear-splitting, undisciplined rickshaws known as tuk-tuks are part of the chaos on Bangkok’s clogged streets. Soon however, the tuk-tuk will stroll down a more refined runway, when Miss Thailand pays homage to her country at the Miss Universe 2015 pageant…
Prosecutors: Man posed as agent to get VIP Comic Con passes
SALT LAKE CITY (AP) — Prosecutors say a Utah man posed as a federal agent in an attempt to get VIP tickets to a Comic Con event in Salt Lake City. Jonathon M. Wall was indicted Wednesday on federal charges after the 29-year-old Layton man allegedly claimed he needed passes to catch a fugitive…
Police: Man drops wallet, gets arrested in 12 burglaries
SOUTH BRUNSWICK, N.J. (AP) — A man who lost his driver’s license while fleeing police used the van from the adult day care center where he worked to commit burglaries of several vehicles in central New Jersey, police said. Jarred Robinson, of Franklin, was arrested in at least a dozen…
Sleeping Idaho hunter wakes up to black bear biting his head    photo
BOISE, Idaho (AP) — A hunter asleep in the remote Idaho wilderness woke up when he felt something tugging on his hair. Then he heard the black bear breathing. Stephen Vouch, 29, reached behind his head and felt it was wet. He yelled when he realized a bear was biting at his head. “He got a…
‘Lucky’ pig gets new home after fall onto Colorado highway
LONGMONT, Colo. (AP) — A 650-pound pig that fell off a trailer in Colorado is getting a new name — “Lucky” — and a new home at a sanctuary for abandoned pigs. HASH(0x13ec480) The Weld County Sheriff’s Office couldn’t find the 3-year-old pig’s owner, so the boar was given to Hog Haven Farm…
Pricey pooch: $10K dog found after being reported stolen
BEAVERDAM, Va. (AP) — Call it the caper of the pricey pooch. The Hanover County Sheriff’s Office says in a press release Friday that it has found a rare South African mastiff valued at $10,000 after the dog was reported stolen by its owner. Officials say the dog, which weighs 175 pounds, was…

 

 

 

HEALTH & FITNESS NEWS…

Gun violence researchers becoming an endangered species?    photo
NEW YORK (AP) — Amid the bloodbaths of 21st-century America, you might think that there would be a lot of research into the causes of gun violence, and which policies work best against it. You would be wrong. Gun interests, wary of any possible limits on weaponry, have successfully lobbied…

 

Gene editing: Research spurs debate over promise vs. ethics    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — The hottest tool in biology has scientists using words like revolutionary as they describe the long-term potential: wiping out certain mosquitoes that carry malaria, treating genetic diseases like sickle-cell, preventing babies from inheriting a life-threatening disorder. It…
US boosts privacy protection on health insurance website    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — Responding to criticism from civil liberties advocates, the Obama administration said Friday it has strengthened consumer privacy protections on the government’s health insurance website as a new sign-up season nears. HealthCare.gov CEO Kevin Counihan said in a blog post…
Research beefing up steaks, hamburgers with healthy omega-3s    photo
WICHITA, Kan. (AP) — Health-conscious consumers might be persuaded to eat more beef if it was fortified with heart-healthy omega-3 fatty acids naturally found in salmon and walnuts, according to researchers and some ranchers who are feeding cattle flaxseed — even marine algae —…
Studies say 1/3 of young men in China to die from smoking    photo
BEIJING (AP) — Research published in the medical journal The Lancet says one in three of all the young men in China are likely to die from tobacco, but that the number can fall if the men quit smoking. The studies, conducted by researchers from Oxford University, the Chinese Academy of…
Family of Ebola nurse complains of ill treatment in Scotland
LONDON (AP) — The family of a British nurse who has been re-admitted to hospital with Ebola complications says she received bad medical advice in Scotland when she fell ill. Pauline Cafferkey is in London Royal Free Hospital’s isolation ward after becoming ill in Scotland. She was thought to…
Measure to repeal California vaccine law won’t be on ballot
SACRAMENTO, Calif. (AP) — Proponents of an effort to repeal California’s new stricter law requiring mandatory vaccines for school children failed to submit enough signatures to qualify a ballot initiative asking voters to repeal the law. County election clerks reported receiving fewer than…
Why is elephant cancer rare? Answer might help treat humans    photo
CHICAGO (AP) — Cancer is much less common in elephants than in humans, even though the big beasts’ bodies have many more cells. That’s a paradox known among scientists, and now researchers think they may have an explanation — one they say might someday lead to new ways to protect people…
Johnson & Johnson starts Ebola vaccine trial in Sierra Leone    photo
NEW BRUNSWICK, N.J. (AP) — Johnson & Johnson has begun clinical trials for an Ebola vaccine in Sierra Leone. The vaccine regimen is part of a new study being conducted in that nation’s Kambia district, where some of the country’s most recent Ebola cases have been reported. More than 11,000…
UN: Polio vaccines in Ukraine safe despite local concerns    photo
LONDON (AP) — The World Health Organization says it’s worried that millions of doses of polio vaccine might be wasted in Ukraine after a patient group raised concerns that the doses are unsafe. The U.N. health agency announced last month that the crippling disease had been identified in…
Researcher: Children’s cancer linked to Fukushima radiation    photo
TOKYO (AP) — A new study says children living near the Fukushima nuclear meltdowns have been diagnosed with thyroid cancer at a rate 20 to 50 times that of children elsewhere, a difference the authors contend undermines the government’s position that more cases have been discovered in the…

 

 

 

NEWS KICKERS

(None on the weekends)

 

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

A Pennsylvania man who claimed at trial that his “evil twin” robbed 10 gas stations, convenience and beer stores has been sentenced to at least 60 years in prison.  *** Even worse, his evil twin has gotten away scott free!

 

Starbucks says you’ll never wait in line again. The mega coffee chain is rolling out its mobile app feature called Mobile Order and Pay nationwide, allowing its customers the ability to preorder and pay for food and beverages before they get to the store, bypassing the line completely. Although the app had a soft launch in Portland in December and other areas of the country earlier this summer, it is now available at more than 7,400 stores in the United States.  ***Although I personally won’t be happy until they also offer free delivery.

 

Millennials are undoubtedly the selfie generation. According to a new survey of 1,000 young Americans, 95 per cent of the respondents have taken at least one selfie. And when you consider the estimated frequency millennials are taking pictures each week, they could end up taking an average of 25,676 selfies during their lifetime.  *** In fact, America’s two largest exports are pouty lips and butt pics.

 

The US has the highest dog population in the world. France has the second highest.  *** And their dogs are just as SNOOTY as they are.

 

Peter Chandler is seeking strategies on how best to deal with a zombie apocalypse. The Minister for Emergency Services for Australia’s Northern Territory says one of the best methods of avoiding any zombie is using the “zigzag” technique. Chandler reminds his constituents not to approach zombies, and if under immediate threat should use a zigzag approach to running away to a zombie safe zone. Chandler adds: “Zombies could be seen as serious threat.”  *** Look Minister, I’m glad you’re happy that “The Walking Dead” is back, but you might want to back off on the marathon viewings.

 

 

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

A team of researchers (University of Vermont and the Mitre Corp.) have found a way to gauge Twitter’s overall happiness. Their hedonometer tool tracks the joyfulness levels on a chart. As to be expected, there are clear spikes on holidays and notable dips in moments of tragedy.  ***MARLAR: And aren’t you glad you can finally know if Twitter is happy or not?  I know that was on the hearts of millions.

 

Tax time is just around the corner and if you’re thinking of trying to pull a fast one on Uncle Sam, forget it.  The IRS has seen it all.  Such ploys as filing a “corrected” wage form reporting zero income or trying to eliminate all of the year’s income by deducting it all won’t work.  Then there are people that tell you that wages are not income or that paying taxes is voluntary. This will not earn you anything but jail time.  Also keep in mind, you cannot blame your tax preparer for fudging on your return. The only safe way to avoid paying taxes is to not make any money.  ***MARLAR: Which means, if you work in radio you have nothing to worry about.

 

British researchers are now saying older men who have big biceps and a smaller waist circumference are not only more attractive, but also will likely live a lot longer than their more portly friends.  ***MARLAR: I guess that means I’ll die sooner and I’m uglier.  That boosts the ole’ self-esteem.

 

A new study shows that Los Angeles has the worst traffic in the nation.   ***I’m guessing mostly on the roads heading out of the state.

 

 

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Looking For Address, Radio Volume”

 

 

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Bob Smiley, “Booger Ball”

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD WEDNESDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, all of the animals followed Louis the lion into the jungle to look for a new king. A king who would be wise, and noble, and brave! But right now, Louis and all of the other jungle animals are in a deep, dark, and scary part of the jungle… and Louis is afraid of the dark!

 

CLOSE: Not only is real life decisions scary for Louis, but now even his dreams are making him nervous! Will the animals ever find the right person to be king of the jungle? Tune in again next time to find out, As the Jungle Turns!

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF OCTOBER 17/18, 2015

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!   When last we left the jungle, Gruffy Bear was tied up, gagged, and tossed into the river by the animals, led by Millard the Monkey, because Gruffy refused to settle on a picnic spot. But it wasn’t long before Millard was treated the same way by Sully the Aardvark… but now Sully’s floating down the river!

 

CLOSE: Tune in next time, as FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you another exciting episode of As the Jungle Turns!
***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of As the Jungle Turns in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us.

 

 

MOMENT OF DUH

A man tries not to get a speeding ticket from an automated camera – but ends up getting 23 speeding tickets!

A Netherlands man decided to defeat an automated camera used to catch speeders. His plan was to speed past the camera 23 times on his motorcycle, covering his license plate with his hand, expecting that the camera would run out of film. What he did not realize was that the camera can take 800 pictures on a roll of film. So when he passed yet again, with his license plate NOT covered by his hand, the police had all the evidence they needed to give him not one, but 23 speeding tickets in the mail… totaling $4,526.

 

 

TOP TEN

TOP 10 WAYS TO KNOW YOU ARE A REDNECK

  1. Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.
  2. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
  3. You pick your teeth from a catalog .
  4. You’ve ever financed a tattoo.
  5. You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the “day my ship came in.”
  6. Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
  7. Your mother has been involved in a fist-fight at a high school sports event.
  8. You’ve ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
  9. You own all the components of soap on a rope except the soap.
  10. The best way to keep things cold is to leave’em in the shade.

 

 

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

The tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth…

 

FILE #1: In Argentina a guy donned a mask and robbed a man in his home. While ordering the man to turn over his jewelry and cash, the crook became so agitated he spit out his dentures. And in his haste to make his getaway, he left them behind. Two days after the robbery, the homeowner noticed something suspicious — his own nephew seemed to have lost his teeth. He informed the cops and upon further investigation they discovered the missing teeth were a perfect fit for the man’s nephew.

 

FILE #2: When an off-duty police officer went to a Rochester, N.Y., medical clinic to get a magnetic resonance imaging exam. He told the technician he was armed, but the technician said that was no problem. Bad advice: as the officer approached the machine, its magnets yanked the gun through the air. The gun fired, but no one was injured. It took three hours to power down the MRI before technicians could pry the weapon free from the machine. “Until we send this gun back to the factory, we’re not even going to test-fire it,” said a police firearms expert. “The metal is more brittle than it should be,” he said, adding that the magnet is four times as powerful as a junkyard magnet that lifts cars.

 

FILE #3: How many times have you heard the warning, “Don’t leave your keys in the ignition?” A Pennsylvania officer wishes that she had taken that advice recently after an 11-year-old boy stole her police cruiser after she left her patrol car running. The policewoman was responding to a disturbance call at a church youth function when the kid jumped into the car and drove off, hitting several cars and finally coming to a stop after crashing into a parked car. Officials in Westmoreland County have charged the boy and are considering whether to discipline the officer.

 

STRANGE LAW: In California animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.

 

 

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

The next drugs these kids should consider taking is No-Doz.

In Tokyo, a university student and an office worker were arrested for marijuana possession. The duo was arrested after they were spotted by a citizen…while parked in their car…asleep…and stopped in the middle of a road.

 

 

PHONER PHUN

Today is “Be Bald And Be Free Day,” so how about it ladies; are men more attractive with, or without hair? Would you want your husband to use Rogaine to keep from going bald? Is he bald now and you’d wish he’d get a toupee or plugs?

 

 

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Who rolled the stone across the tomb when Jesus was buried?
ANSWER: Joseph of Arimathea (Matthew 27:57-60 = “Now when evening had come, there came a rich man from Arimathea, named Joseph, who himself had also become a disciple of Jesus.  When Joseph had taken the body, he wrapped it in a clean linen cloth…and he rolled a large stone against the door of the tomb, and departed.”)

 

 

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: What does a speleologist do?

ANSWER: A speleologist studies caves.

 

 

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

  1. The U.S. Secret Service was formed in 1865 for the primary purpose of guarding the President. (False – they were first established for the specific purpose to combat the counterfeiting of money.)

 

  1. U.S. postage stamps used to have advertising on them. (True – before 1883, the three-cent U.S. stamp was also used for advertising. The advertisment was located on the back of the stamp for various products.)

 

  1. During the 1600’s, both boys and girls in England wore dresses. (True – until they were about seven years old.)

 

  1. Great Britain was the first country to issue postage stamps. (True – in 1840)

 

  1. The first airline stewardess was hired in 1930. (True – her nanme was Ellen Church)

 

  1. In 410 A.D. Alaric the Visigoth demanded that Rome give him three thousand pounds of salt as ransom. (False – he demanded pepper.)

 

  1. Our sun is not truly a star, but actually a planet that is dying. (False – it’s actually a star. Sadly, only 55% of Americans know it’s a star)

 

  1. In 1905, 18 men died from injuries sustained on the football field. (True – President Theodore Roosevelt stepped in and instituted safety measures to make the game safer.)

 

  1. In playing poker, there is one chance in 50 of drawing a flush. (False – it’s one in 500)

 

  1. Olympic badminton rules say that the bird (birdie) has to have exactly twelve feathers. (False – it requires exactly fourteen.)

 

 

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

A MILLION ___________ WRITE SHAKESPEARE (MONKEYS)

A team of monkeys finally written the complete works of Shakespeare!

It’s the great intellectual hypothesis that, given enough time, a monkey with a typewriter would reproduce the complete works of Shakespeare.

Mathematicians have created an army of millions of computerized monkeys, bashing away at virtual typewriters.

The software apes type random prose – in an attempt to mimic real primates – and a computer program compares the trillions of lines of gibberish they produce with the output of the 16th-century Bard.

Any letters matching small portions of Shakespeare’s writing are plucked out and formed into his plays, poems or sonnets.

 

 

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY

JOKE #1

A shipwrecked mariner had spent several years on a deserted island. Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out toward him. When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him, “With the captain’s compliments. He said to read through these and let us know if you still want to be rescued.”

 

JOKE #2

Trying to control my dry hair, I treated my scalp with olive oil before washing it. Worried that the oil might leave an odor, I washed my hair several times.

That night when I went to bed, I leaned over to my husband and asked, “Do I smell like olive oil?”

“No,” he said, sniffing me, then replied, “Do I smell like Popeye?”

 

JOKE #3

One summer evening, a 3-year-old came in while his parents were setting the table for supper. Quite surprisingly, he asked if he could help.

His mother said, “No, but I appreciate your asking.”

The child responded, “Well, I appreciate your saying no.”

 

 

USELESS FACTS

Scientists have created a pill to treat phobias.  ***MARLAR: It’s effective for all people except those who have a phobia of taking pills.

 

Women in North Korea are eating more dog meat because of a rumor that it prevents wrinkles.  ***MARLAR: They believe the rumor was started by cats.  (If you want to prevent wrinkles, don’t eat the Shar-pei!)

 

 

FEATURED FUNNIES

KNOCK, KNOCK

Did you hear about the scientist who crossed a carrier pigeon with a woodpecker?  He got a bird that not only delivers messages to their destination, but knocks on the door when it gets there.

 

 

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

The “Fighting Irish” make a $29,000 mistake… and one woman has to pay for that mistake.

Earlier this year, Sara Gaspar got a $29,000 tip from the University of Notre Dame where she worked as a catering employee. It was a mistake as the tip that showed up on her paycheck should have been $29.00 dollars. But the big money ended up in her bank account anyway and Sarah says she called the university several times trying to alert them about what she thought was probably an error. But nobody ever called her back so she thought it was meant to be. So she spent the money on bills and a new car. But now Notre Dame wants their money back so they’re suing her. They say she never tried to contact them even though she insists she did and that after years of medical problems and hard times, she believed she was finally catching a break. When she told them the money was spent and she couldn’t give it back, they fired her and filed a lawsuit. Now Sara says, “How am I ever going to win against them? Nobody wants to take this case.”

 

 

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

I was asked by a co-worker, “What’s it like to be a Christian?”

I replied, “It’s like being a pumpkin. God picks you from the patch, brings you in and washes all the dirt off you. Then He cuts off the top and scoops out all the yucky stuff. He removes the seeds of doubt, hate, and greed. Then He carves for you a new smiling face and puts His light inside of you to shine for all the world to see.

 Annette DeYoung

 

 

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

Doesn’t it bug you when someone criticizes you? Points out every little thing you do wrong? It does me.

I get pretty disgusted with people who find fault with others, even if the only thing they can find to criticize is the way the person wears her hair or pronounces her words.

I think it’s often true that one person criticizes another to make himself feel better. If someone can put us down, he can prove (to himself, at least) that he is somehow superior. We enjoy it when somebody like that gets a dose of his own medicine.

The Arizona Republican had this story: As Professor Terry Mikel was speeding toward Tucson, he passed an unmarked patrol car. The officer pulled him over. When Terry explained that he was late for an important class he was teaching at the University of Arizona, the patrolman took pity on him and let him off with a warning. Before he went back to his police car, the officer gave Terry this gentle reminder: “Slow down and drive safe.”

Terry could not overcome the urge to correct him. “Excuse me, sir,” he chided, “but it should be, ‘Slow down and drive safely.’ You said, “Drive safe.'”

The officer told Mikel to wait in his vehicle. Then he walked back to his squad car, wrote him a $72 ticket, and presented it with a straight face. I guess it was just more than the officer could stand, and he had the power to do something about it.

The incident illustrates this point: Criticism hurts and humiliates people–even guys as tough as state policemen. And I suspect that it seldom leads to improvement.

Jude referred to the people who brought false doctrine and strife to the church as “faultfinders.” If you don’t want a reputation like that, resist the urge to criticize others. Someday it might even save you a speeding ticket!

 

 

LEFTOVERS

MOTHER-IN-LAW SCHOOL

Engaged couples in Brazil can take more than just the usual pre-marital counseling. A Brazilian university has begun a course that teaches couples how to deal with their in-laws and new families. The course, “Family relations between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law”, began in the year 2000 at the University in Southern Brazil.  The course tries to prevent divorces and to teach people that mothers-in-law are really not that bad. However, the class has no final exam.  ***MARLAR: Because you’ll be tested enough at every family reunion.

 

 

LIFE… LIVE IT

FOUR GREAT QUESTIONS TO ASK ON A DATE

  • What’s your favorite scene from your favorite book or movie? Talking about mass media and pop culture can clue you in to similar interests and world views.
  • What do you love about your job? The standard, “What do you do?” is a closed question that doesn’t reveal much about a person other than a job title. But if you phrase the career question a bit differently, you can delve into your date’s likes and dislikes; reveal his or her strengths; see how he or she handles conflict; and find out how happy this person is with life overall.
  • If money were no object, what would you do with your life? This tried-and-true icebreaker showcases your date’s hopes, dreams, and even regrets – topics that often remain untouched by even long-term dating.  The answers can range from a desire to travel to going back to school to learning how to play the violin. Two buttoned-up stockbrokers might discover they both share a secret longing to be athletes or a shared devotion to public service. Your date’s response will help clue you in to common goals and interests that go beyond what you do on a day-to-day basis.
  • Will you share an embarrassing moment with me? This fun question is great to ask when a date has gotten a little tense or quiet, because it reveals both details of your date’s history and his or her character. Just know that you may have to share an awkward experience first in order to make your date feel comfortable.

 

 

JUST FOR FUN

LIFE FOR SALE
Shannon O’Connell had her “life” sold and sadly it only went for $400!

…O’Connell put all of her property in a storage unit while she was working in Romania. But when she returned to Boston, she found all of her belongings gone! U-Haul storage mistakenly thought the merchandise did not belong to anyone (they blame a computer glitch) and proceeded to auction off what they could sell and burnt the rest. They ended up getting $400 for her stuff. Among her lost possessions are photographs of herself with Bill Clinton and Steven Spielberg, personal poetry and love letters – items which are, of course, irreplaceable. O’Connell, who is suing the company for a million dollars, said, “I’ve lost my entire history as a person. Everything I ever wanted to keep is gone.”  ***MARLAR: What do you think is worse… losing all of your most cherished possessions, or knowing those cherished possessions only went for 400 bucks?!

 

 

FUN LIST

THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOU AND THE BOSS

  • When you take a long time, you’re slow. When your boss takes a long time, he’s thorough.
  • When you don’t do it, you’re lazy. When your boss doesn’t do it, he’s too busy.
  • When you make a mistake, you’re an idiot. When your boss makes a mistake, he’s only human.
  • When doing something without being told, you’re overstepping your authority. When your boss does the same thing, that’s initiative.
  • When you take a stand, you’re being bull-headed. When your boss does it, he’s being firm.
  • When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you’re being rude. When your boss skips a few rules, he’s being original.
  • When you please your boss, you’re apple polishing. When your boss pleases his boss, he’s being co-operative.
  • When you’re out of the office, you’re wandering around. When your boss is out of the office, he’s on business.

 

 

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

FLUSHING MONEY

A Hong Kong jeweler has more money that he knows what to do with so Lam Sai-wing decided to build a gold washroom. He has dreamed since his youth about having enough wealth to build toilets of gold but has gone further than that with toilet bowls, wash basins, toilet brushes, toilet paper holders, mirror frames, wall-mounted chandeliers and even wall tiles and doors are all made of solid gold. The price tag topped $4.9-million and peeks at the gold commode are free for now, but will soon cost $14. ***MARLAR: Sounds to me like he’s flushed a lot of money down the toilet.

 

 

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Mondays Only)

 

 

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

There was a time when owning a Bible in China was illegal. For decades, missionaries smuggled tons of Bibles and other Christian literature into China. But not anymore. According to CBN, There are about 250 licensed Christian bookstores operating in China today. Those Christian bookstores have become a place of active evangelism and outreach. However, the news isn’t all good. Chinese authorities are increasingly restricting the number of Christian titles that can be published each year. It dropped from 200 titles a few years ago to 80 last year. As of this year, the government has only allowed 20 titles. http://go.cbn.com/3418

 

 

Four Things to Do When Your Marriage is in Crisis from Focus on the Family http://bit.ly/1OqEBto

#1: Slow Down

#2: Focus on you and what you can change

#3: Soften; Relax your posture and commit to being civil, even if your spouse is not.

#4: Get Help

 

 

What must it have been like to watch the blind man see after Jesus healed him?  We’ll never know – but we do have the ability to see someone receive their sight for the very first time after being blind all of their lives.  Two Blind Sisters are now able to see the world. Sonia and Anita were born blind in rural India. And due to a lack of money, they were unable to receive the 15 minute surgery that could restore their sight. However, all that changed when WonderWork, a charitable organization that provides free surgeries for children in poor countries, got involved. Thanks to their help Sonia and Anita received the surgery and are now able to see for the first time. Watch their first sight here: http://bit.ly/1sM0Z89.

 

 

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere!

 

 

THE WAY WE WORK

(Updated as it comes available. The Way WE Work is written by Mark Elfstrand from 1160Hope.com in Chicago.)

Captains Courageous

They call a certain stretch of water in the Caribbean “Hurricane Alley.” Severe storms in that region are common. Captains of sailing vessels know enough to consider the warnings and plan accordingly.
But even skilled sailors and captains of ships are no match for forces well beyond their control. Thus was the fate recently of the cargo ship El Faro. It left port in Jacksonville, Florida, almost two weeks ago…never to return. Along with its sinking went the souls of thirty-three crew.
Experts continue to debate the wisdom of the decision to sail, let alone to take that specific route. There is no clear cut answer. The storm turned treacherous quicker than estimated — jumping past hurricane categories 1, 2, and 3, until it settled at 4.
What that meant for these sailors was a horrifying congestion of wind, waves, and rain. The seas were raging at 50 feet. Winds howling at 125 miles per hour. As the ship listed some 15 degrees with its full load of containers and cars, it began taking on water. It wasn’t long after that the engine failed. Steering was now impossible.
No survivors were found. There was one body that surfaced in a survival suit meant to keep people afloat. Other than that, a cargo door, an empty lifeboat, and a range of flotsam and jetsam is all that could be immediately found.
It’s important to note that, despite all of our advancements, we still have these sailing tragedies today. And this one happened in a relatively short course sailing run of 1200 miles! Today’s maritime world has sophisticated weather equipment, advanced navigation, and sailing technology. Lifeboats for everyone. Survival suits.
Makes you wonder, on this Columbus Day, how they made it from Spain to cross the Atlantic in the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Maria. The Santa Maria ran aground near Haiti and came apart. Oops.
The other two ships were smaller and each carried about 25 men. Close quarters, my friend. Probably no antiperspirant.
As one history site notes, “All told, there were about 120 crewmen for the combined fleet. They lived on hard biscuit, salted meat, and fish. They drank beer and water. Of course, they could not drink sea-water because of the high salt content. In that day they had not yet developed methods for distilling the sea-water to remove the salt. Living conditions were difficult.” Ya think?

The article goes on to explain that the sailors slept on a hard deck, often exposed to the weather. And because of fire danger aboard a wooden ship, any fire needed had to be strictly controlled. And cooking was done in the forward part of the ship.
And lest we forget the importance of this historic day, a few more notes from an article titled “THE FOUR EXPLORATIONS OF CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS”:
“Early on the morning of October 12th land was indeed sighted, and a landing party arrived on an island in the Bahamas and named it San Salvador. It had been thirty-three days since the three ships had left the Canary Islands, off the Atlantic coast of Africa. The natives must have been surprised to hear that their island now belonged to Spain. Over the next few weeks landings were also made on Cuba, named Juana by Columbus, and Española, now known as Hispaniola, and shared by the Dominican Republic and Haiti.
Columbus’ ships covered approximately 150 miles a day. His seafaring instincts were extraordinary. Columbus relied on “dead reckoning,” which used not only navigational instruments but also experience, intuition, observations, and guesswork to determine his ships’ positions.”

Now I realize that in this current age there are mixed reviews on the motives and behavior of the Columbus expeditions. For my purposes today, I’ll leave you to your own conclusions. (You should read the original documents and diaries.)
My point in sharing both of these stories is twofold: 1) to show that people have taken great risks and made tremendous sacrifices for our betterment, and 2) some jobs, more than others, require bravery in the face of known risks. Or call it courage.
Your job, whatever it is, may require another kind of courage. Making tough decisions. Knowing when to step out on your own. Handling employee challenges. In looking at a candidate for a job, we underestimate the importance of courage.
In the face of our challenges, when courage is needed most, it is comforting to know we can seek help from One whose power knows no limits.
As the Psalmist writes, “You answer us in amazing ways, God our Savior. People everywhere on the earth and beyond the sea trust you. You made the mountains by your strength; you are dressed in power. You stopped the roaring seas, the roaring waves, and the uproar of the nations. Even those people at the ends of the earth fear your miracles. You are praised from where the sun rises to where it sets.”  (Psalm 63:5-8, NCV)
Happy Columbus Day. May you have smooth sailing.
That’s The Way WE Work.

 

 

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

 

OCTOBER 09, 2015…

 

Knock Knock (opening in select cities)—We are getting closer to Halloween and here is a horror movie about someone’s mother starring in a movie, dying, and then reappearing in the film. Stars Taissa Farmiga. “Knock Knock” is rated R. No rating.

 

Pan (again!)—This is a different concept, indeed.  Take the usual “Peter Pan” story and make it one with Blackbeard (Hugh Jackman) instead and the children he kidnaps, especially Peter (Levi Miller) work in his mines. Captain Hook is played by Garret Hedlund and something in the vein of Johnny Depp’s pirate characters. Tiger Lily is played by Rooney Mara. Ah, yes, not your usual story.  “Pan” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

 

Steve Jobs—Michael Fassbinder takes on the role of Steve Jobs, who brought out Macintosh. This movie concentrates on a person who is working in an unusual electronic business. Quite a personality. Some liked him, some did not. Adapted from the book by Walter Isaacson. Jeff Daniels stars as Apple CEO John Sculley. “Steve Jobs” is rated PG 13. No rating.

 

OCTOBER 16, 2015…

 

Goosebumps has Jack Black as the real-life writer R. L. Stine in a film about Stine’s mystery books called “Goosebumps”.

 

Beasts of No Nation is a Netflix movie and stars Idris Elba in a story about a boy soldier in Africa.

 

Crimson Peak (opening in select cities) has Mia Wasikowska living in Northern England and is courted by a mysterious stranger, Tom Hiddleston.

 

Room stars Brie Larson as a woman, who with her son, is imprisoned by a vengeful man.

 

Bridge Of Spies is based on the true story of exchanging a Russian spy for an America pilot during the Cold War. Stars Tom Hanks.

 

Truth stars Robert Redford and Cate Blanchett in a political thriller.

 

# # # # #

 

 

WARNING:  Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.