October 17, 2016: Monday ONAIRprep

***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS – FREE TO AIR! (Need to receive this earlier than when it’s posted? Get FTP access and receive a fully-produced version FREE with a customized tag specifically for your station or show! Contact me with your ONAIRprep username for details!)

AND NOW… ON WITH THE SHOW!

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20161017

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Today’s parenting tip. Remember, if you’re playing catch with your children, don’t throw them too high. And choose a room without ceiling fans.

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“…and the God of comfort who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.” –2 Corinthians 1:3-4

He leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul. –Psalm 23:2-3

May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer. — Psalm 19:14

Worship the LORD in the splendor of his holiness; tremble before him, all the earth. — Psalm 96:9

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

To the LORD your God belong the heavens, even the highest heavens, the earth and everything in it. — Deuteronomy 10:14

Thought: It all belongs to God! The multifaceted and creative side of our heavenly Father’s nature is revealed in the astounding beauty and variety in our universe. This is not our world, but our Father has chosen to share it with us as one of his many gifts to us. Our Creator chose to provide us with the changing seasons in each year and the kaleidoscope of colors in each sunset and sunrise to frame our days. These are reminders of his love for beauty and variety, for predictability and also change. In addition to all that God has made and placed before us, he has crowned us, his human children, with glory and honor. Each of us is made, even with all of our differences, in his likeness. We are bearers of his divine image. Each person and all the peoples are precious to him. All the universe is the LORD’s, yet in his greatness, he chooses to know each one of us intimately. Ah, my friend, that is grace upon grace from the LORD who loves each one of us with an undying love as he sustains a universe too vast for us to imagine!

Prayer: LORD God Almighty, the universe is yours. You sustain it by your powerful word. All creation attests to your marvelous power and creative mastery. As the God who is so great, I pray in awe that you are also my abba Father who welcomes me into your presence. Thank you for using your majesty and might to bless us and provide for us such a wonderful world in which to live. In Jesus’ name I pray and praise you. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

Romans 10:17 NIV = Consequently, faith comes from hearing the message, and the message is heard through the word of Christ.

TODAY IS MONDAY – OCTOBER 17, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
70 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

FREEDOM FROM BULLIES WEEK is this week.  ***The rest of the year, sadly, you must remain oppressed.

Today is BIG YELLOW HAT DAY. ***Which is appropriate if Curious George is part of your staff. Otherwise, forget about it.

Today is NATIONAL GAUDY DAY. ***Also known by our receptionist as “workdays”.

Today is MULLIGAN DAY, a day to give yourself or someone else a second chance, a day for a do-over.  ***Now life would be really cool if you could just call for a mulligan, wouldn’t it?  Did you answer a question wrong during your blind date? “Mulligan!” Did you wear a big yellow hat today? “Mulligan!”

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Black Poetry Day

National Boss’s Day

International Day for the Eradication of Poverty

Mulligan Day

National Clean Your Virtual Desktop Day

National Edge Day

National Pasta Day

Wear Something Gaudy Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below.)

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 18

Hard Boiled Guy/Girl Day

National Cupcake Day

National Pharmacy Technician Day

Pro-Life Day of Silent Solidarity

World Menopause Day

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 19

Evaluate Your Life Day

Hagfish Day

International Overload Day

Medial Assistants Recognition Day

Support Your Local Chamber of Commerce Day

Unity Day

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 20

Conflict Resolution Day

Get To Know Your Customers Day

Get Smart About Credit Day

International Credit Union Day

Miss American Rose Day

Spirit Day

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 21

Celebration of the Mind Day

Global Iodine Deficiency Disorder Prevention Day

Mammography Day

National Pharmacy Buyer Day

Reptile Awareness Day

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 22

Caps Locks Day

International Stuttering Awareness Day

Make a Difference Day

National Nut Day

Pit Bull Awareness Day

Smart Is Cool Day

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 23

iPod Day

Mother-in-Law Day

National Mole Day

Swallows Depart From San Juan Capistrano Day

TV Talk Show Host Day

Xterra World Championships

MONDAY, OCTOBER 24

Food Day

Lung Health Day

World Development Information Day

ON THIS DAY

1824: Boardinghouse keepers in New York, responding to the high cost of living, voted to serve boarders only four prunes each for breakfast. ***MARLAR: It became a regular thing.

1943: The Detroit Lions set a rushing record when they achieved a minus 53 yards against the Chicago Cardinals. Amazingly, Detroit won the game 7-0, only one of three Lions’ victories in the two seasons of 1942 and 1943 combined. They went 0-11 in 1942.

1963: TV defense attorney Perry Mason lost his only trial to district attorney Hamilton Burger. Mason’s client refused to reveal the evidence that would save her. But then, of course, Perry found the real culprit and exonerated his client despite herself.

1965: The largest paper in history was printed; The New York Sunday Times was 946 pages and weighed 7.5 pounds. ***I’d hate to see the dog that was housebroke with that.

1979: The Nobel Peace Prize went to Mother Teresa of India for her 30 years of work on behalf of the poor in Calcutta.

1988: First Lady Nancy Reagan admitted that she continued to “borrow” designer clothes and jewelry without reporting them as gifts.

1990: Artex International in Highland, Illinois, finished history’s largest tablecloth: 1,502 feet long by 4½ feet wide.

1991: The California Raisins, the clay versions created in 1986 for TV commercials, left California for their new home at the Smithsonian Institute.

1995: Reuter news service reported that the 1997 edition of the popular board game Trivial Pursuit mentioned Lady Diana 18 times, more than any other person.

1999: Armed bandits trying to hold up a car at a Sao Paulo, Brazil, traffic light backed down when they recognized soccer star Pele sitting in the back seat. The two thieves lowered their pistols, apologized, and walked away.

2003: A burglar at a wood sales company in Bremen, Germany, didn’t do so well. He broke into a coffee machine that took only tokens and stole a cell phone that only worked on company grounds and a cordless screwdriver with no battery. While he was there, he drank a can of warm Coca-Cola that was 12 months past its sell-by date.

2004: Brazil began a controversial practice of allowing its air force to shoot down planes suspected of smuggling drugs.

2006: The 300-millonth American was born, probably a baby girl at a Chicago hospital. Another American is born now every 1.1 seconds.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1483: Pope Sixtus IV launched the Spanish Inquisition, placing it under joint direction of the Church and state. Tomas de Torquemada, 63, was appointed Grand Inquisitor in charge of removing Jews and Muslims from Spain.

1582: Birth of German scholar Johann Gerhard, most influential of the 17th century Lutheran theologians. His writings attained a European circulation second only to the Bible and Thomas a Kempis’ “Imitation of Christ.”

1651: French scientist Blaise Pascal wrote in a letter: ‘Jesus Christ suffered and died to sanctify death and suffering; he has been all that was great, and all that was abject, in order to sanctify in himself all things except sin, and to be the model of every condition.’

1792: Birth of John Bowring, English statesman, linguist, merchant, theologian and author of the hymn, “In the Cross of Christ I Glory.”

1812: In Washington Co., PA, the first of seven eventual conferences convened, leading ultimately to the founding in 1836 of the Evangelical Lutheran Joint Synod of Ohio and Other States.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actor (“Apple’s Way”, “Baywatch”, Payback) Vince Van Patton 58

  • actor (Norm on “Cheers”) George Wendt 68 (audio clip)

  • actress (Lois Lane opposite Christopher Reeve in the Superman movies) Margot Kidder 68

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1909 : Cozy Cole

1914 : John Mosley

1933 : Floyd Cramer

1941 : Jim Seal (Seals & Crofts)

1941 : Alan Howard (Brian Poole and the Tremeloes)

1942 : Gary Puckett (Union Gap)

1947 : David St. Hubbins (Spinal Tap)

1949 : Bill Hudson (The Hudson Brothers)

1958 : Alan Jackson

1967 : Rene Dif (Aqua)

1968 : Ziggy Marley

1971 : Christopher Kirkpatrick (‘N Sync)

1972 : Eminem

1972 : Wyclef Jean (Fugees)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Where does the custom of saying “God bless you” after a sneeze come from?

Many cultures believe that the person’s soul or vital essences were leaving them through their mouth at the time of the sneeze, so a companion would pray in order to restore their health. The same holds true in European tradition, and most likely roots from the time of the Plague.  This tradition has carried on to the modern era from etiquette, as well, as when a person sneezes, it is usually a rather loud action, so by another person saying “Bless you”, the focus is taken off of them by saying that they realize their sneeze was involuntary and that they were not offended by it, and also that they wish them to be well.

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving three days a week from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

Ryan Stevenson is part of many important concerts. However, this weekend he attended an even more important event. He posted: my little Joey turned four this weekend: glad I got to come home and join the superhero party. https://www.instagram.com/p/BLXD9BQDEs6/

Casting Crowns front man Mark Hall was showing off his pocket knife collection this week. It includes commemorative knives from the Zorro, Dale Evans, and Lone Ranger television programs. https://www.instagram.com/p/BLaFjsDD4XY/?taken-by=markhallcc

For King and Country posted this week: Seems like a good time to talk about love, chivalry and relationships The YouVersion app just released a five day video study with For King and Country sharing about what it means to love well! http://www.bible.com/reading-plans/3116-priceless-respect-honor

Michael Tait, Tobymac and Kevin Max didn’t wait until their cruise next summer for their DC Talk reunion. The three were on stage together this week at the Dove awards, performing the song “Love Feels Like”.

A major milestone this week for Chris Tomlin. The well know worship leader became the first Christian artist to receive the SoundExchange award. It’s presented to artists who have had the songs streamed online more than a billion times. Only three other artists have reached that total: Justin Timberlake, Garth Brooks, and Pitbull.

Award-winning singer Natalie Grant talked this week about her new book called Finding Your Voice. According to the Christian Post, Grant revealed in the interview that it was not until she lost her singing ability that she was able to see beyond the shallow desires of life and truly find her real voice. According to Grant, Finding Your Voice is meant to help others “find their God-given voice” in this world filled with noise and compromise. The singer says she never anticipated to write a book until Zondervan approached her with the idea, and although Grant originally declined the offer, after a few days God began to give her an idea for something He wanted her to write about, leading to Finding Your Voice. http://ow.ly/tFUM30526un

Building 429 guitarist Michael Anderson says there are certain things that a captain shouldn’t tell his passengers. One of them is that they are in a brand new plane on it’s first flight but there are problems and they could fish tail on landing. That happened to Micheal over the weekend. The good news is that it ended well. Micheal reported later that they made it safely and had a smooth landing. He added that the plane is being taken out of commission.

Casting Crowns Megan Garrett says a recent concert stop in Colorado was full of challenges but God was still there. She posted: Tonight was full of challenges, loss of voices, and on-the-spot-switcharoos in front of a sold out crowd in 30’s degree weather…but God was in our midst and He moved in a mighty way.

Public voting for the American Music Awards is now open. Hillsong United, Lauren Daigle, and Chris Tomlin are all up for the one Christian music award. You can vote once each day free your favorite artist. http://ama.votenow.tv/

Citizenway’s Ben Calhoun says his daughter had a special guest for a recent street concert. Ben says his daughter chose to sing on the street with her friends for her birthday party. One of the people stopping to enjoy the music was new Dove Award artist of the year Lauren Daigle.

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. As on ONAIRprep subscriber, you can get a fully-produced, customized version of the Daily Dose of Weird News FREE with a station or show specific tag! Email darren@onairprep.com for details!)

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

Tim Tebow is thus far 0-for-9 with three strikeouts, two walks and an RBI in the Arizona Fall League for baseball’s top prospects. Tebow explains: “I’m getting adjusted. I need to get back into the rhythm. I was a little late on a couple of fastballs I could have done something with.”  ***You know, I’m morbidly obese, 48 years old, and I’ve never played professional sports… and I can swing late at fast balls too.

Breathing room may be vital to your emotional well-being. Women are likely to get depressed when they don’t have enough personal space, a study from Cleveland State University suggests. Men are better able to mentally and physically withdraw from a claustrophobic setting, but women tend to feel obligated to interact with others.  ***This is exactly why men tend to quiet down when family is over for Thanksgiving – it’s for the good of our mental health.

Samsung is providing “explosion-proof” kits for customers returning their recalled Galaxy Note 7 phones. ***Has anyone thought maybe we should just be providing ISIS with free Galaxy Note 7s?

Roseanne Barr took a nasty spill at San Francisco’s Golden Gate Park on Tuesday and broke her kneecap in three places.  ***The man who pushed her immediately apologized, claiming he thought she was Rosie O’Donnell.

States with the least religious populations tend to be far cheaper when it comes to shelling out big bucks for charity. But people in states where religion is more important in the lives of its citizens particularly in the South, donate a larger portion of their incomes, according to a study based on IRS records of folks who itemized deductions. Those living in the Northeast, where religious participation is lower, were found to be much tighter with their wallets. ***But they are MORE than eager to spend other people’s money… which totally explains Washington D.C.

Up to 1,000 Seattle school teachers are going to wear “Black Lives Matter” t-shirts to school on a day this week.  ***Oh yeah, that won’t go terribly wrong.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

If you want to lose weight, join a soccer league. According to research from Copenhagen University in Denmark, a friendly game of soccer works off more fat and builds up more muscle than jogging or walking.  ***Especially European soccer where you get even more exercise by fist-fighting with the spectators.

A study in the New Zealand Medical Journal says airline passengers should not try to hold in abdominal gas but let it go to prevent indigestion and heartburn.  ***Is it really a good idea to give passengers permission to release flammable gasses?  (Well, if I have to fly there, you can count New Zealand out of my potential vacation destinations now.)

Did you know that more than half of Americans never ride a bike. A recently released report also found that nearly six percent of Americans don’t even know how to ride a bike. The study of nearly 1,200 people nation wide found that, in the Northeast, 12 percent of Americans said they didn’t know how to ride a bike compared to just 3 percent in the Midwest. It also showed that young people are riding bikes less. 9 percent of those ages 18 to 34 said they couldn’t ride a bike while just 3 percent of those 55 and over said they don’t know how to ride.  *** But hey, we can virtual bike-ride on Xbox, which is essentially the same thing, right?

People earning over $100,000 a year are almost twice as likely to apologize after an argument or mistake as those who earn $25,000 or less, according to a Zogby International survey.  ***And on the off-chance it works in reverse as well, I’d like to apologize profusely to everyone I’ve ever known – and I’ll do so again tomorrow, and the next day.

WONDER WOMAN (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Noah’s Mosquitos”

DAILY COMEDY CLIP (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Ken Davis, “Rat Salad”

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE


OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!

When last we left the jungle, just as Gruffy Bear and Sully the Aardvark were getting ready to play their regular game of checkers, a lost grizzly bear came knocking on the door. Gruffy Bear decided to cancel the checkers match until later that night so he could help the grizzly find his way…

CLOSE: Well that’s good, as tempting as it is, Gruffy is going to honor his promise to Sully and play checkers with him… that’s nice. Unfortunately, that means Gruffy’s new friend, Grizz, is going to have to forfeit the bowling tournament! Is there a solution to that problem? We’ll find out next time, As the Jungle Turns! right now – is sinking in quick sand! Will Gruffy be able to save him? Tune in next time to find out – As the Jungle Turns!

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF OCTOBER 22/23

OPEN: When last we left the jungle, all of the animals were frantically trying to sell all of their possessions so they could run away from the jungle to escape a giant-footed creature that nobody has really even seen yet – just footprints. And the sales were so great, that everyone bought everyone else’s stuff, so now all of the animals have just as much stuff as they started with! Except one animal… who’s still working on his sign!

CLOSE: I’m sure Millard is just kidding about that. That is one smart skunk! Tune in again next time for more of our story, as FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

Today’s Moment of Duh concentrates on someone who lied (very badly, I might add) just so he wouldn’t have to show up to court.

Terry Bennett failed to show up for his trial in Edwardsville, Ill., on Sept. 17, 2001. He was being tried for home-repair fraud, but he called the courthouse with a good reason as to why he couldn’t show up on time. According to him, he was helping out at the World Trade Center rescue site shortly after the 9/11 attacks and could not get back to Illinois. A nice sentiment… but a court employee found problems with his story:

  • The Caller-ID fixed Terry Bennett’s phone call as coming from Illinois, not New York. He tried to explain this away by saying the call had been “forwarded” by his wife, despite the fact that the court employee heard, “Terry! Telephone!”

  • Bennett said he flew to New York – but all planes had been grounded at that time.

  • He said he rode in a van with some local people whose names he did not know.

  • While on the phone with the court, no background noise was heard from the “rescue site” that Terry said he was working on – because, Bennett said, all the workers were asleep.

  • Mr. Bennett didn’t know where at the site he was working (except that it was “down off the main drag”).

  • And, finally, Terry Bennett was seen at home by the Belleville News-Democrat during the time he says he was helping out in New York. Of course, Bennett said he was merely Bennett’s identical-looking cousin.

TOP TEN

TOP 10 WAYS TO STRENGTHEN YOUR MARRIAGE

10. Start each day with a kiss. Decide to begin the day with love.

9. Wear your wedding ring at all times. Let it be a visual reminder of your commitment.

8. Go on a date with your spouse once a week. Even if it’s just for coffee, dedicate time for the two of you.

7. Accept differences. Try to remember that once you thought your spouse’s idiosyncrasies were cute. Your chances of changing them are slim, so decide to live with them.

6. Be polite. Are you more polite to co-workers or store clerks than you are to the one you love? Practice good manners at home.

5. Be gentle. Harsh words and actions have no place in your home. Choose to be kind to those you love and who love you.

4. Give gifts. While diamonds are a girl’s best friend, a card, a single rose, a favorite candy bar can also do the trick.

3. Smile often. Put on a happy face and let it determine your disposition. Remember how meaningful the glances were which you once gave each other.

2. Touch. A pat on the back or a soft caress of the cheek can show love and connection.

1. Talk about dreams. Get your conversation beyond coordinating schedules and talking about the kids. Take time to talk about ideas and dreams.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

A man gets arrested for sticking his tongue out at a little girl!

FILE #1: Jeffrey Jacobitti was arrested by police in Keansburg, N.J., after he drove up to two women and a 12-year-old girl and apparently illegally wiggled his tongue at them. The deputy police chief said the wiggling, in his opinion, was harassment that conveyed a threat: “(The wiggling) crossed the line, especially with the juvenile.”

FILE #2: In 1999 armed bandits trying to hold up a car at a Sao Paulo, Brazil, traffic light backed down when they recognized soccer star Pele sitting in the back seat. The two thieves lowered their pistols, apologized, and walked away.

FILE #3: Mark Hallan held up a couple of banks, getting away with a significant amount of cash. He then decided to lay low for awhile by spending a couple of nights in a hotel. And that was his undoing because when he checked in, the hotel clerk noticed his red hands. They were stained from the exploding dye packets in the cash he stole. She pretended not to notice and only called the cops after he was in his room. They came over and, of course, caught him red-handed.

STRANGE LAW: Men! If you go to Eureka Nevada and you have a mustache, you are forbidden, by law, from kissing a woman!

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

Our brains on drugs today come from the appropriately named city of Dummerston, Vermont.

Father and son team Herbert and Brian Powell went for a little drive over to Connecticut where they became hopelessly lost. Driving aimlessly down the road, they spotted a police car parked on the shoulder. They thought they would stop and ask for directions, which would have been fine except for the fact that they weren’t alone in the car. They were traveling with their good friends Bud and Weiser. And it didn’t help their cause any when Brian told the officer his date of birth was “September 31.” Dad has been arrested for drunk driving and son has been arrested for drug possession and resisting arrest. ***The good news is that instead of getting directions, the police simply drove them to their next destination!

PHONER PHUN

What’s the biggest lie you ever caught your children telling? How did you bust them?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Ziba was the servant of whom?

ANSWER: Saul’s (2 Samuel 9:2)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: How did Dr. Seuss pronounced the name Seuss?

ANSWER: He pronounced it in such a way that it sounded like “sue ice.”

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. A Saudi Arabian man can get a divorce if his wife doesn’t give him coffee. (False – but it does work the other way around. If the husband doesn’t get the wife coffee, she can divorce him.)

2. About 30% of the world’s population is left-handed. (False – it’s more like 10%)

3. For drinking, washing, etc., an average American uses 168 gallons of water each day day. (True)

4. 66% of American’s admit to reading in the bathroom. (True – and the preferred reading material is “Reader’s Digest.”)

5. There were only twelve automobiles in the entire United States in the year 1894. (False – there were four.)

6. Every day, about 1,300 babies are born prematurely in the USA. (True)

7. A group of tigers is called a lear. (False – it’s called a streak.)

8. Soy crayons have been invented to replace wax crayons so they are safer to eat. (True)

9. Pumpkins can be used to remove freckles. (False – but people used to think so!)

10. The 20th president of the United States, James Garfield, was able to write Greek with one hand and Latin with the other at the same time. (True)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

OBAMA: _________ WILL BE FREE FOR EVERYONE (COLLEGE)

In a recent speech, President Obama promised that the government will begin paying for college – for everyone.

Student loan debt is a major concern for many Americans and has now become a major campaign issue.

President Obama  told an enthusiastic audience in Ohio that he is going to push for the government to provide free college education to every American.

College is a right, not a privilege,” Obama reportedly told the ground.  “Every American deserves to go to a college and the government needs to pay for it.  We need to give everyone a fair shot at success.”

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

A guy walks into a doctor’s office. He has a sausage coming out of his ear, a waffle coming out of his nose, and bacon coming out of his other ear. He says worriedly, “Doc, what’s wrong with me?!?”

The doctor replies, ”Looks to me like you’re not eating properly.’

JOKE #2

After trying a new shampoo for the first time, a guy fired off an enthusiastic letter of approval to the manufacturer. 
Several weeks later he came home from work to a large carton in the middle of the floor. Inside were free samples of the many products the company produced: soaps, detergents, tooth paste, and paper items.

“Well, what do you think” his wife asked smiling.

“Next time,” he replied. “I’m writing to General Motors!”

JOKE #3

Greta was an old, grandmotherly type. She was well-known for her faith and love of talking about it. She would go out on the front porch and say, “Praise the Lord!”

Her next door neighbor would shout back, “There ain’t no Lord!”

Greta was very poor, so the neighbor decided to prove his point by buying a large bag of groceries and placing it at her door.
The next morning, she went to the porch and on seeing the groceries, shouted, “Praise the Lord!”

The neighbor stepped out from behind a tree and said, “HA! I brought those groceries, and there ain’t no Lord.”

Greta smiled and replied, “Lord, you not only sent me food but you made the devil pay for it.”

USELESS FACTS

There’s new discussion about what caused the death of classical composer Beethoven in 1827. Many experts are now saying the evidence points to possible lead poisoning.  ***Did China even HAVE exports back then?

In English, a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.  ***Yeah, right!

FEATURED FUNNIES

GOOD NEIGHBORS

While my wife was out of town, a new neighbor borrowed a pie pan. It was returned a few days later filled with an apple pie.
When my wife asked where the pie came from, I told her it was baked by our neighbors, who said they never return something without filling it up.
“You should let them borrow our checkbook,” she replied.

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

Does your husband never listen to you?  It may not be his fault!

Women accuse men of not listening to them, but turns out it’s not their fault if they don’t catch what a woman says. Because of the size and shape of the female larynx, their voices are more complex and more musical. Researchers at England’s University of Sheffield discovered that the male brain uses a simpler mechanism to process male voices, but female voices engage the same part of the male brain that processes music, which makes it more difficult for them to decipher women’s voices.  ***MARLAR: Well, unless the woman is saying that dinner is ready.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

PROFESSOR OF LIFE
By: Joseph J. Mazzella
When I was in college I had a professor who taught me a lot not only about English, but also about life. He taught with a joy, energy, and enthusiasm that touched everyone in his classes. He made us laugh, he made us learn, and he made us think as well. Here are just a few of the things that he taught me. He taught me that work isn’t about getting a paycheck at the end of each week, it is about loving what you do and doing what you love. He taught me not to take life so seriously and that laughter is good when facing life’s difficulties. He showed me that life is best when lived with zest and vitality and that what you put into life is what you get back from it. He showed me that the school of life is never out and that we keep learning everyday of our lives. He explained how everything from music, to books, to people, to experiences can be our teachers if we are only willing to learn. He explained too that it is always best to learn with enthusiasm and to live with joy.
I was truly blessed to have had such a great teacher at such a young age. He opened my mind and started me on the path of a lifetime’s worth of learning. I have tried to stay a good student of life since then. I have also tried to be a decent teacher as well by passing on what I have learned in my writings and in my life. Only time will tell how good a one I have been.
In this life we are all students and we are all teachers. What we learn and what we teach, however, is up to us. May you always learn in enthusiasm and in joy then. May you always teach with energy and with love as well. May you never stop learning what God needs you to learn and may you always teach what God wants you to teach. I hope that you graduate this life with honors as a Child of God and I hope that you spend all of your years here as a Professor of love and of life.

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

LOOK CLOSE

Warn those who are unruly, comfort the fainthearted, uphold the weak, be patient with all. —1 Thessalonians 5:14

Imagine what bowling would be like if you couldn’t see the pins. Well, in 1933 Bill Knox bowled just such a game—and had a perfect score!

The event took place in Philadelphia. Bill wanted to demonstrate the technique of spot bowling, in which you throw the ball at a mark on the floor just beyond the foul line. He had a screen placed over the lane so he couldn’t see the pins at the far end but could still see the marks. He knew that a bowler can throw more accurately when aiming at a mark that is close rather than at pins a long way off. He proved his point by bowling a perfect game of 300—12 strikes in a row!

Spot bowling reminds me of Paul’s words in today’s Bible reading. He told the Thessalonian believers that the ultimate goal of their salvation was to “be preserved blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ” (1 Thessalonians 5:23). Although this could be done only by Christ, who was working in them (vv.23-24), their part was to focus on “near actions” that were in line with that end. He urged them to comfort one another, help the weak, warn the wayward, pray without ceasing, and rejoice always (vv.12-22).

Lord, help us to concentrate on what we can do today to stay in line with Your eternal goal for us. —MRDII

Keep eternity’s goal in sight by walking daily in God’s light.

LEFTOVERS

BREATHING LEGALITIES

An oxygen bar at the Nebraska State Fair has been warned it might be violating state and federal drug laws by dispensing oxygen without a prescription. The FDA says people can stop breathing if they get too much oxygen, although the American Lung Association says the low-flow oxygen at oxygen bars won’t hurt anyone.  ***MARLAR: If they’re so concerned about air at a county or state fair, shouldn’t they first outlaw livestock from the fairgrounds?

LIFE… LIVE IT

ONE THING I’VE LEARNED IN LIFE IS

  • …if at first you don’t succeed, look in the wastebasket for the directions. – Tim, Age 26

  • …the older I get, the smarter my parent’s get. – Janetta, Age 31

  • …never to beam down to the planet if you’re wearing the red shirt! – Chris, age 37

  • …breath in, …breath out… – Kevin, Age 34

  • …there’s nothing better than to be loved. …well, maybe eating chocolate!
    – Vivien, Age 42.

  • …the only person I have to be better than, is the person I was yesterday. – Debbie, Age 37

  • … don’t let a restaurant serve your food cold. – Ellen, Age 39

  • … never to let your kids find out your age. – Barrie, Age 41

  • … becoming an adult was painful — Being an adult is the BEST!!! – Robert, Age 52

  • …the guy at the door of Wal-Mart DOESN’T say that to everyone. – Alan, Age 28

  • …OLD is always at least 15 years more than my current age. – Saucke, Age 42

  • …that computers can always crash and make our lives miserable. – Shewolf, Age 36

  • … some things never change, some things should be changed, some things can’t be changed, and sometimes after you change things, you wish you hadn’t! –Doreen, Age 34

JUST FOR FUN

WORKING AT THE CAR WASH

A man barely escapes with his life from the clutches of – the CAR WASH!

A Swedish man got dragged into the swirling brushes of a giant car wash and came out with four broken ribs recently. The 60-year-old man was using a high-pressure hose to clean his bus when the hose accidentally hit a sensor and activated the brushes, which trapped it. As the man fought to free the hose, his foot got stuck and he was pulled in and pinned against one of the machine’s rotating bristles. A court has awarded 6,000 crowns (about $570) to the man who was rescued after someone heard his screams and pushed the machine’s emergency stop button. ***MARLAR: On the plus side, he did get a free hot wax and buff dry.

FUN LIST

WOMEN’S RULES

1. The female always makes the rules.

2. The rules can change without notice.

3. Males can’t know the rules.

4. If the female suspects that the male knows all the rules, she must immediately change some of the rules.

5. The female never bears the blame for being wrong.

6. If the female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something that the male did or said which was wrong.

7. If rule 6 applies, the male must apologize for causing the misunderstanding.

8. The female can change her mind.

9. The male must never change his mind without the consent of the female.

10. The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

11. The male must always remain calm unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.

12. The female must never let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

HOW BURGLARS SAY THEY BREAK IN

(All of the following is based on a recent survey of convicted burglars from their prison cells. Well, they need something to do!)

  1. 74% were more likely to go through windows than doors. Remedy: Storm windows. No burglar surveyed would bother with them.

  2. 86% cased out a house before hitting it. Remedy: Timer lights. Have newspapers and mail picked up by neighbors. Have a neighbor park their second car in your driveway if away for an extended time.

  3. Only 20% picked locks or tried to pick them. Remedy: There’s no beating a good dead bolt.

  4. 63% cut the phone lines before entering. Remedy: A sign saying that the police will be notified automatically if the phone lines are cut.

  5. 80% looked in garage windows to see if a homeowners car was there. Remedy: cover or frost your garage windows.

  6. Finally, 56% continued to burglarize when they were already inside and realized people were at home sleeping. Remedy: Wake up and shoot them!

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

Hey, mom… do you feel guilty working outside the home?  Don’t. Children with working moms are less likely to have behavioral or emotional problems by age 5 than kids of stay at home moms, according to a British study. In fact, girls with stay at home moms were twice as likely to have behavioral problems by age 5. Dr. Anne McMunn of University College London says, “Working mothers should not feel guilty that this will have any impact on the social, emotional or behavioral development of their children.”

Tim Tebow’s first game for the Scottsdale Scorpions in the Arizona Fall League last week was one to remember, but not for reasons most would expect. His less than spectacular performance on the field ended in what some are calling a miraculous moment. As Tebow stayed to do post-game interviews and sign autographs for fans, he was made aware of a man who had fallen sick in the stands. The former NFL star turned baseball minor leaguer ran to the side of Berry, reached down, and placed a hand on the sick man as he bowed his head to say a prayer. Witnesses say seconds after he was touched by Tebow, the man jolted up and gasped for air, coughing loudly. Tebow stayed with him until the EMTs were able to administer care.  http://abcn.ws/2d6DfK1

Have you heard that you should take out your anger and frustrations by going for a run and working out?  Don’t do it! Why? Heavy exertion, such as an intense run or gym workout, while you are stressed or mad triples your risk of having a heart attack within one hour, according to research from Canada’s McMaster University. While it’s a medical fact that regular exercise is good for your heart and may help prevent heart disease, exercising when your emotions are overwrought can be physically harmful. The study found that being angry or upset doubled the risk of suffering heart attack symptoms within one hour, and heavy physical exertion also doubled the risk of suffering heart attack symptoms within one hour. Being angry or upset and heavy physical exertion together TRIPLED the risk of suffering heart attack symptoms within one hour.

He may be close to 100, but that doesn’t stop Bill Wheeler from being an active member of society. According to ABC News, Wheeler has been using his tractors to grind up debris in his neighbors’ yards left over from Hurricane Matthew. The 98-year-old said he is giving back after they helped him.  It’s amazing how people tend to come together after a tragedy or disaster.  http://abcn.ws/2e7BicG

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

No pressure, no diamonds. –Mary Case

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

OCTOBER 14, 2016…

Mascots—This is a movie with Christopher Guest  (remember “Best In Show”) who helps mascots from sports team compete in their own contest about performance and costume. Let your mind go wild here. How about the Gold Fluffy as the name of a trophy  The cast includes Jane Lynch, Ed Begley, Jr., Zach Woods and Sarah Baker. “Mascots” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans of “sports” competitions.

The Accountant—Autism and dealing with it is part of the topic in this movie about a gifted man with numbers (Ben Affleck) works with criminals and also with good guys. He can find where the money is going and who is taking a share.  However…where is justice?  Hmm. Also in the cast are Anna Kendrick and J. K Simmons. “The Accountant” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans of numbers.

Kevin Hart: What Now?—Comic Kevin Hart has a new concert film out for fans which was filmed in Philadelphia. “Kevin Hart: What Now?” is not rated.

Desierto—Jeffrey Dean Morgan (“The Good Wife”) now takes on an action role in this thriller of problems along the U.S.-Mexico border. Also in the cast is Gael Garcia Bernal. “Desierto” is rated R. No rating.

Tower—This documentary is about the shootings on the University of Texas campus, August 1, 1996. The campus was shut down for over 90 minutes and in the end, 16 people were dead. This Keith Maitland directed film, has interviews with people from that time period.  “Tower” has no rating but could be PG 13 for themed material. No rating.

OCTOBER 21, 2016…

Jack Reacher: Never Go Back has Tom Cruise back in action. No more need be said.

In A Valley Of Violence concerns two men with a grudge going for a fight. Stars Ethan Hawke.

Moonlight is about a young African American man who tries to discover what he wants in life.

Ouija: Origin Of Evil begins the horror films before Halloween.

Tyler Perry’s Boo! A Madea Halloween says it all in the title. For Tyler Perry fans.

American Pastoral stars Ewan McGregor (both director and star) in an adaptation of Philip Roth’s novel of dealing with a family crisis in the 1960’s.

Keeping Up With The Joneses concerns a typical suburban couple with mysterious neighbors. A comedy. Stars Isla Fisher and Jon Hamm.

A Monster Calls is about a tree that comes to life to help a little boy cope with family problems. Stars Lewis MacDougall. Adapted from a Patrick Ness novel.

# # # # #

WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.