October 18, 2016: Tuesday ONAIRprep

***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS – FREE TO AIR! (Need to receive this earlier than when it’s posted? Get FTP access and receive a fully-produced version FREE with a customized tag specifically for your station or show! Contact me with your ONAIRprep username for details!)

AND NOW… ON WITH THE SHOW!

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20161018

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

The toughest thing about being on the air every day is meeting the high professional broadcast standards that I set for myself. That’s why, every day about this time, I lower my standards.

You know you’re addicted to coffee when you wake a half hour before the alarm goes off and decide to get up anyway because you can to the coffee that much sooner.

Kinda disappointed with my weigh-in this morning. I might trim my toenails and try again.

I think maybe my wife thinks I’m God. She was pounding on the bathroom door this morning yelling, “Good Lord, are you still in there?!?!”

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.” –James 1:17

So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets. –Matthew 7:12

The Lord confides in those who fear him; he makes his covenant known to them. My eyes are ever on the Lord, for only he will release my feet from the snare. — Psalm 25:14-15

I will show my greatness and my holiness, and I will make myself known in the sight of many nations. Then they will know that I am the LORD. — Ezekiel 38:23

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

“… I am the LORD, who exercises kindness, justice and righteousness on earth, for in these I delight,” declares the LORD. — Jeremiah 9:24

Thought: Two truths are equally crucial for us to understand in this passage. First, God is kind, just and righteous. Second, he delights in these things when he sees them in us. So what does your life stand for? Let’s be like our Father and take on the lifestyle of loving kindness, the cause of justice for all, and the character of righteousness. Why? Because we should have no greater joy than to bring delight to the Father!

Prayer: Almighty and Holy God, may my life delight you and bring you joy. However, dear Father, I am aware that my character falls far short of your holiness and righteousness, and the mercy and grace I display to others pales in comparison to the mercy and grace you have shown toward me. So please, Father, help me know those areas where I most need to grow to be pleasing to you and to bless others with your grace. Thank you for giving me the Holy Spirit to help transform me. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

2 Corinthians 10:18 NIV = For it is not the one who commends himself who is approved, but the one whom the Lord commends.

TODAY IS TUESDAY – OCTOBER 18, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
69 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is WORLD MENOPAUSE DAY. ***No comment due to my need to keep my marriage healthy and strong.

Today is PERSONS DAY in Canada. ***So, if you’re in Canada, and if you’re a person, you get the day off… right? (But ONLY if you’re a person!)

Today is NATIONAL NO BEARD DAY. ***So, for you men with beards, today is the day to finally discover in the mirror what you really look like without one.  Be sure to prepare your wife for a shock though. When I shaved my beard off after all these years of marriage, my wife didn’t recognize me and I scared the snot out of her. Ladies don’t have much to do on this day. Then again, there was my ninth grade home economics teacher… she really needed to shave…

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Hard Boiled Guy/Girl Day

National Cupcake Day

National Pharmacy Technician Day

Pro-Life Day of Silent Solidarity

World Menopause Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below.)

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 19

Evaluate Your Life Day

Hagfish Day

International Overload Day

Medial Assistants Recognition Day

Support Your Local Chamber of Commerce Day

Unity Day

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 20

Conflict Resolution Day

Get To Know Your Customers Day

Get Smart About Credit Day

International Credit Union Day

Miss American Rose Day

Spirit Day

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 21

Celebration of the Mind Day

Global Iodine Deficiency Disorder Prevention Day

Mammography Day

National Pharmacy Buyer Day

Reptile Awareness Day

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 22

Caps Locks Day

International Stuttering Awareness Day

Make a Difference Day

National Nut Day

Pit Bull Awareness Day

Smart Is Cool Day

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 23

iPod Day

Mother-in-Law Day

National Mole Day

Swallows Depart From San Juan Capistrano Day

TV Talk Show Host Day

Xterra World Championships

MONDAY, OCTOBER 24

Food Day

Lung Health Day

World Development Information Day

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 25

Chucky, The Notorious Killer Doll Day

International Artists Day

Sourest Day

World Pasta Day

ON THIS DAY

1929: The Canadian government officially declared that women were “persons.” Before that, women were “persons in matters of pains and penalties, but not persons in matters of rights and privileges.”

1949: Country songwriter Stuart Hamblen became a Christian at age 31. Author of the popular 1954 hit “This Old House,” Hamblen later wrote such Christian favorites as “It Is No Secret What God Can Do,” “How Big is God?” and “They That Wait Upon the Lord.” He died in 1990.

1967: The American League granted permission for the Philadelphia A’s to move to Oakland. Also, new franchises were awarded to Kansas City and Seattle.

1969: The federal government banned artificial sweeteners known as cyclamates because of evidence they caused cancer in laboratory rats.

1984: Actor Jon-Erik Huxum died after shooting himself with a blank cartridge. Playing Russian roulette on the set of the TV show Cover-Up, Huxum did not know the blank was dangerous. But the shot, only an inch from his head, fatally wounded the 26-year-old actor.

1986: Football’s Frank Gifford married former Hee-Haw Honey Kathie Lee. ***Aha! I KNEW she looked familiar! SAAAAALUTE!

1991: Corky retired from the U.S. Customs Service in Miami. The golden cocker spaniel, rescued from an Illinois animal shelter three years earlier, had sniffed out $18-million in drugs. ***Hey, after three years of sniffing that many drugs, you’d be forced to quit too!

1992: As the Toronto Blue Jays met the Atlanta Braves in the World Series, the U.S. Marine color guard presented the Canadian flag upside-down. Toronto won the game 5-4 and the series in six games.

2003: A woman called police after hearing somebody scream for help from a building in Bad Woerrishofen, Germany. When officers searched the building, they found a dentist had left his window open while treating a 10-year-old boy. The boy had been screaming for help, so police tried to calm him down and left.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1662: Birth of Matthew Henry, English Presbyterian pastor. He is remembered for his “Exposition of the Old and New Testaments” (1708-10) — still in print! — whose value lies in its devotional and practical comments on the books of the Bible.

1685: Louis XIV revoked the 1598 Edict of Nantes, which had permitted French Protestants limited religious tolerance. The Huguenot exodus which followed drained France’s industrial economy, and possibly hastened the French Revolution.

1931: English apologist C.S. Lewis wrote in a letter: ‘The [Christian] “doctrines” are translations into our concepts and ideas of that which God has already expressed in language more adequate, namely the actual incarnation, crucifixion, and resurrection.’

1949: Country songwriter Stuart Hamblen, 31, underwent a spiritual conversion. Author of the popular 1954 hit “This Old House,” Hamblen later wrote such Christian favorites as “It Is No Secret What God Can Do,” “How Big is God?” and “They That Wait Upon the Lord.”

1954: “The Week in Religion” aired for the last time over Dumont television. First broadcast in March 1952, this ecumenical Sunday evening panel show divided the hour into 20-minute segments each for Protestant, Catholic and Jewish news.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actress (“Happy Days,” “Joanie Loves Chachi”) Erin Moran 55 (audio clip)

  • actor (and I use that term loosely) Jean-Claude Van Damme 56

  • actress (“Mork & Mindy,” married to Mark Harmon) Pam Dawber 65 (audio clip)

  • NFL Hall-of-Famer (da coach) football’s Mike Ditka 77

  • actress (“Gilligan’s Island’s” Mary Ann) Dawn Wells 78 (audio clip)

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1926 : Chuck Berry

1937 : Cynthia Weil

1938 : Ronnie Bright (The Coasters)

1943 : Russ Giguere (The Association)

1947 : Laura Nyro

1949 : Gary Richrath (REO Speedwagon)

1949 : Joe Egan (Stealers Wheel)

1952 : Keith Knudsen (The Doobie Brothers)

1961 : Wynton Marsalis

1974 : Peter Svensson (The Cardigans)

1975 : Baby Bash

1982 : Ne-Yo

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

What exactly is St. Elmo’s fire?

St. Elmo’s Fire is an electro-luminescent corona discharge caused by the ionization of the air during thunderstorms inside of a strong electric field. Although referred to as “fire”, St. Elmo’s Fire is in fact a low density, relatively low temperature plasma caused by massive atmospheric electrical potential differences which exceed the dielectric breakdown value of air at around 3 megavolts per meter.  St. Elmo’s Fire is named after Erasmus of Formiae (also called St. Elmo), the patron saint of sailors (who held its appearance to be auspicious). Physically, it is a bright bluish-white glow, appearing like fire in some circumstances, often in double or triple jets, from tall, sharply-pointed structures such as masts, spires and chimneys.  It is named such because the phenomenon commonly occurs at the mastheads of ships during thunderstorms at sea. Benjamin Franklin correctly observed in 1749 that it is electric in nature. It is said that St. Elmo’s Fire can also appear from the tips of cattle horns during a thunderstorm, or sharp objects in the middle of a tornado, but is not the same phenomenon as ball lightning, although they are possibly related. In ancient Greece, the appearance of a single one was called Helena and two were called Castor and Pollux.

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving three days a week from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

Tiffany Lee and her husband spent their anniversary at IHOP over the weekend but it wasn’t because Jeremy is cheap. The artist who goes by Plumb on stage clarified: my husband does not want me to post this picture because he finds it “Redneck” that we are eating at IHOP on our anniversary. However, all I wanted was blueberry pancakes.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BLmhg-rDwNw/

For King and Country says the release of the movie Priceless over the weekend culminated a 21-year process. Members of the band posted: it’s been 21 years in the making. They say their movie making career actually started in 1995 with the making of Indiana jones-style home movies using a Super 8 camera. 21 years later their first movie has officially released. Priceless came out in theaters on Friday.

Have the gift of interpreting dreams? Building 429’s Jesse Garcia could use your help. He’s been using a cane since injuring his leg falling from the stage several weeks ago. This week he posted: I dreamed my cane was a huge candy cane. So after I was done with it I ate it. Jesse says: interpretations?

Paul baloche says it’s not too early to start planning for Christmas worship. He posted a video to help worship teams in the local church put together plans for worship during December. https://youtu.be/d7BbjIK8CCE

Jeremy from Big Daddy Weave was backstage at the Dove awards with his wife Anna. The two talked about chaotic lives as they combine Jeremy’s touring and Anna’s job as a costume designer for movies like war room while still also parenting their two children. They said it’s all about finding their own normal, even if it’s not normal for everyone else.

Are you interested in diving deeper in to the idea of “The Very Next Thing”? Casting Crowns is offering a monthly email centered around specific ways you can do the very next thing. If you want to be a part and are ready to take the next step in God’s calling, join today. Sign up at http://eepurl.com/ch63sj.

A first for Brandon Heath. He got to change in the Debby Reynolds dressing room during a tour stop in El Paso, Texas. Included was a day bed, another first for Brandon, and a bright pink dressing area.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BLWoWXQhS1e/

Matthew West says getting lost in a corn maze isn’t something he fears. He posted a picture of his wife in Instagram and added: I’ll get lost in a corn maze any day long as it’s with her!

https://www.instagram.com/p/BLWycNZjIm-/?taken-by=matthewjwest

Casting Crowns Megan Garrett says we all fall short. She posted: If I’m honest, I’ll admit that I’m deplorable…and you’re deplorable too, no matter which deplorable candidate you vote for.

Shane and Shane will be recording a new, live album this week and you can watch on line for free. The worship leaders will hold the recording at 7:00pm CT TODAY (Tuesday, October 18), at the Watermark Church in Texas. You can stream it live online at http://shane.cta.gs/0m5.

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. As on ONAIRprep subscriber, you can get a fully-produced, customized version of the Daily Dose of Weird News FREE with a station or show specific tag! Email darren@onairprep.com for details!)

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

In the average U.S. home, a television set is turned on for more than a third of the day: eight hours, 35 minutes.  ***But then, you have to watch that much TV in order to get a good solid half-hour of quality programming.

According to a new study: women would be better off going to bed two hours before men.  ***I can believe this for several reasons, but mostly because being asleep before your husband gets to bed means you don’t have to hear his snoring or smell the passing of his gas.

A 700 pound model named Monica Riley is trying to reach 1,000 pounds in order to gain the title of World’s Fattest Woman.  ***She’s a MODEL?  What… a Model-T?

You know it’s a real thing when the government gets involved. Obama administration officials have rolled out a plan they say will enable automakers to get self-driving cars onto the road without compromising safety. In true government fashion, there are 112 pages of guidelines, most vague enough to allow innovation while at the same time making sure that automakers, tech companies, and ride-hailing firms put safety first as the cars are developed. States have historically set the rules for licensing drivers, but the Transportation Department says it, rather than the states, would be responsible for regulating cars controlled by software. Per the guidelines, companies must explain how they’ll comply with a 15-point safety assessment before they roll out the cars. And the guidelines also make clear that the DOT’s National Highway Traffic Safety Administration will force recalls if software doesn’t perform as it should. ***It’s a strange world we live in.  We’re getting self-driving cars before we getting flying ones, and the self-driving cars only have to pass a 15-point safety test while human drivers have to pass a written test with five times that many questions.

Australia’s new five dollar bill is so high-tech vending machines can’t handle it, but it can play a record. In a video posted by the National Film and Sound Archive, officials played a record of “Brit’s Blues” using the new plastic note rather than a record player stylus. They noted that it also has special tactile features to make it accessible to the Blind community. But it still can’t help you if you just want to buy a coke.  http://on.mash.to/2dTZ52I

I’ve got bad news for you if you’re afraid of spiders. A new published in Current Biology found that many spiders can hear sounds from more than 10 feet away. Previously, scientists believed spiders, which lack eardrums, could only sense vibrations in the air from a few centimeters away. But researchers accidentally discovered this unknown ability thanks a squeaky lab chair. They were doing neural recordings of a spider’s brain to study its sense of sight when they noticed neurons firing in response to the chair. The same neurons would fire in response to clapping from up to 16 feet away. That means spiders can hear people “talking and walking.” ***Happy Halloween!

Donald Trump suggested Hillary Clinton was on something during their last debate and is now challenging her to take a drug test before their next meeting Wednesday night. ***Goodness gracious, Sammy Sousa, Lance Armstrong… and now Hillary Clinton.  Is there anybody in America that ISN’T being accused of using performance enhancing drugs?

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

After years of being told to drink plenty of water, researchers now say we may be making ourselves more, not less, dehydrated. The problem is that the water being consumed may be to acidic. Instead, officials now say that the solution is to not just drink any water but to instead make sure it’s alkaline water, which is water with a high pH either naturally or due to additives.  ***Someone needs to invent Alkaline Kool-Aid mix – and quick!

According to a study, mothers treat cute babies nicer than they do those that are homely.  ***Dads, on the other hand, treat all babies the same – they let Mom deal with them.

Hey guys, forget the champagne or wine, if you’re looking for a romantic evening with your lady, fix her a glass of organic licorice tea, and leave out some Good and Plenty licorice candy to snack on. It turns out the scent of licorice drives women crazy. In fact, a study discovered that women who were around the smell of licorice were far more likely to be “in the mood” compared to women who were around the scent of men’s cologne. ***Of course, you know what the obvious conclusion to this is, right?  Coming soon – Licorice Old Spice.

Add “Facebook depression” to potential harms linked with social media, an influential doctors’ group warns, referring to a condition it says may affect troubled teens who obsess over the online site.  Researchers disagree on whether it’s simply an extension of depression some kids feel in other circumstances, or a distinct condition linked with using the online site.  ***How can it NOT be depressing when you can instantly see people “unfriend” you?

WONDER WOMAN (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Airplane Black Box”

DAILY COMEDY CLIP (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Johnny Roberts, “Million Dollars”

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TUESDAY’S EPISODE


OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, Gruffy Bear had to cancel the checkers game with Sully the Aardvark to help a grizzly bear named Grizz find his way to a bowling alley. Apparently, Grizz was heading there to forfeit the bowling tournament that was supposed to take place that night because they didn’t have enough bowlers.

CLOSE: Will Gruffy do the right thing and play checkers with Sully as he promised? But then, he also promised Grizz that he’d help the bowling team! What will Gruffy do… what will Sully do… what will the bowling team do? Find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF OCTOBER 22/23

OPEN: When last we left the jungle, all of the animals were frantically trying to sell all of their possessions so they could run away from the jungle to escape a giant-footed creature that nobody has really even seen yet – just footprints. And the sales were so great, that everyone bought everyone else’s stuff, so now all of the animals have just as much stuff as they started with! Except one animal… who’s still working on his sign!

CLOSE: I’m sure Millard is just kidding about that. That is one smart skunk! Tune in again next time for more of our story, as FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

Got a great video you want to post on the internet?  Just be sure it’s not going to get you arrested!

The makers of a three-minute video show a modified Subaru Impreza WRX racing up and down the streets of a residential neighborhood, performing 360 degree spins and burnouts before crashing into a tree.  These same video makers where then nabbed by police after uncensored footage of their antics was posted on the internet.  That’s right – not only did they videotape the crash, they were part of it – and the footage was also posted online by the same guys.  Yep – in a rare example of geniuses traveling in packs, these boys crashed a car into a tree at high speeds on purpose while their buddies taped it from a street corner.  During the video the car heads straight for the group that is filming from the side of the road.  They could all have been killed.  And then who would’ve posted their footage on the internet?

TOP TEN

TOP TEN WAYS TO DEAL WITH TELEMARKETERS

10. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

9. If they start out with, “How are you today?” say, “I’m so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died…”

8. Say “No”, over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

7. After the Telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

6. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, they often can’t sell to employees.

5. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her HOME phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their HOME numbers you say “I guess you don’t want anyone bothering you at home, right?” The Telemarketer will agree and you say, “Me, either!” Hang up.

4. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

3. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

2. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.

1. Tell the Telemarketer you are on “home incarceration” and ask if they could bring you a pizza.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

A burglar saves the life of his own victim!

FILE #1: A burglar recently saved the life of his victim after seeing her friend poison her food. The man broke into his neighbor’s house to steal her VCR and TV. The woman arrived home with a friend — disturbing the crook halfway through his burglary — so he hid in the attic so he wouldn’t be caught. The burglar revealed himself when he spotted the woman’s friend putting poison in the meal they were making. Her friend fled and the burglar walked out of the woman’s home with the VCR and TV as a reward for saving her life.

FILE #2: Pretend you’re a parolee. Of course, stealing anything would violate parole, right? Now, what if you go out and steal something anyway… and that stolen item happens to be a prison uniform?  Florida police arrested an ex-convict at a rock festival wearing a stolen bright orange prison uniform. The 25-year-old from Lakeland allegedly stole the uniform when he was released in January. The suspect told officers he was in a Halloween costume. Of course, it was April, so the cops saw through that excuse. He’s was arrested for violating his parole.

FILE #3: Authorities charge a former Maryland cop isn’t a very good bank robber. According to deputies in Charles County, former officer Vernon Thrift robbed a bank less than a mile from his home, then used his own Honda as his getaway car. Thrift is a former Prince George’s County police officer, who used to work robbery cases. A Charles County sheriff’s spokesman says on a scale of one-to-ten, he’d give Thrift’s alleged stick-up about a two.

STRANGE LAW: In Pennsylvania, the law books require that automobiles traveling on country roads at night must send up a rocket every mile, then wait ten minutes for the road to clear.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

Drinking is no excuse for skipping jury duty.

Authorities in Missouri charge Curtis Lemons was supposed to report for jury duty in a drunk-driving case. Instead, officials say he was having a few himself. A judge ordered officers to bring Mr. Lemons to the courthouse after he told a bailiff he was too busy. Authorities say he smelled of booze. Lemons told the judge he’d been drinking rum that morning. Lemons was fined 250 bucks for contempt of court.

PHONER PHUN

What are your favorite videos you’ve found on the internet? Share them with us and we’ll post them on the radio station’s website for everyone else to see!

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: What was the name of the king who made a speech and as a result was eaten by worms?

ANSWER: Herod (Agrippa the First – Acts:12)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: What condiment was once sold as medicine in the 1830s?

ANSWER: Ketchup

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. In Japan, the number four is considered to be unlucky. (True – the Japanese word for four sounds very similar to the word death.)

2. A leopard can jump as high as ten feet off the ground. (False – it’s even higher! 16.5 feet! The puma can do the same.)

3. The Victorian Falls in Zimbabwe is so loud it can be heard 13 miles away. (False – it can be heard 40 miles away!)

4. A human embryo is smaller than a grain of rice at four weeks old. (True)

5. The largest butterfly in the world has a wingspan of nearly three feet. (False. The largest butterfly is the Queen Alexandra’s birdwing butterfly from Papua New Guinea. Its wingspan can reach to be almost 1 foot.)

6. The loudest insect in the world is the cicadas. (True. The males, specifically. When they rub their abdomens, the sound made can be heard from 1300 feet.

7. The Sequoias and Redwoods of the American West Coast are the oldest living trees in the world. (False – that honor belongs to the Macrozamia trees of Australia, which live 5,000 to 7,000 years and, some claim, may even reach 15,000 years.)

8. Stutterers usually stutter only when around other people. (True – Medical experts have observed that people who stutter rarely do when they are alone

or talking to a pet.)

9. Illinois has the highest number of personalized license plates than any other state. (True.)

10. Austin, Texas has the highest percentage of college graduates. (True – 31 percent. Newark, New Jersey has the lowest at only 6 percent.)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

COMEDIAN, GALLAGHER, SMASHES ___________ WITH SLEDGEHAMMER (OWN HEAD)

SAN FRANCISCO –  Stand-up comedian, Gallagher, badly injured himself  today in a performance at the Last Day Saloon when he mistook his own head for a watermelon.

World famous prop comic, Gallagher, has done more than 3,000 shows over 30 years – and has tirelessly toured,  bringing his unique brand of stand-up to concert halls, vegetable gardens and TV sets (via his Showtime specials) across the nation.

He’s most famously known for  smashing watermelons with a massive mallet.  He calls his mallet the Sledge-O-Matic.  “We love when he smashes a watermelon, it’s like watching The Beatles play Hey Jude,” said Gallagher groupie, Mindy Miller, 65.

But something went awry at the Last Day Saloon – Gallagher mistook his head for a watermelon.

“He came to the climax of his show and he brought out the watermelon.  The crowd went absolutely berserk. They knew what was coming. They had been waiting the entire show to see the watermelon.,” said Last Day patron, Skippy Morgan (37).  “Gallagher took out the Sledge-O-Matic, he lifted it in the air and then he seemed to get confused.   Maybe it was the flickering lights or maybe it was the three Shirley Temple’s he had before going on – but he turned away from the watermelon, put his head on the table and… BAM!  He smashed his head.”

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

A customer at Green’s Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor’s quick wit and intelligence. “Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?”

“I wouldn’t share my secret with just anyone,” Green replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won’t hear. “But since you’re a good and faithful customer, I’ll let you in on my secret: Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you’ll be positively brilliant.”

“You sell them here?” the customer asks.

“Only $4 apiece,” says Green.

The customer buys three. A week later, he’s back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting, and he isn’t any smarter.

“You didn’t eat enough of them,” says Green.

The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he’s back and this time he’s really angry.

“Hey, Green,” he says, “you’re selling me fish heads for $4 apiece when I can buy the whole fish for $2. You’re ripping me off!”

“You see?” says Green. “You’re smarter already.”

JOKE #2

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, “Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?”

Her mother replied, “Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.”

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, “Momma, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?”

JOKE #3

One day at a trial, an eminent psychologist was called to testify. A severe, no-nonsense professional, she sat down in the witness chair, unaware that its rear legs were set precariously on the back of the raised platform.

“Will you state your name?” asked the district attorney. Tilting back in her chair she opened her mouth to answer, but instead catapulted head-over-heels backward and landed in a stack of exhibits and recording equipment.

Everyone watched in stunned silence as she extricated herself, rearranged her disheveled dress and hair and was reseated on the witness stand. The glare she directed at onlookers dared anyone to so much as smirk.

“Well, doctor,” continued the district attorney without changing expression, “we could start with an easier question”.

USELESS FACTS

In 2000 the American Civil Liberties Union filed a lawsuit against Shawnee (Kansas) County Treasurer Rita Cline for promoting her own religious beliefs by posting “In God We Trust” in county offices. ***If showing that is offensive, I guess the U.S. government doesn’t want to see money from any of its citizens.

In Scotland early golf courses had varying numbers of holes. Some courses even had as few as five holes.  ***Doesn’t matter, I still would have shot a 200.

FEATURED FUNNIES

DINING OUT
Shirley and Abe, a retired couple from New York City, living in Miami, are getting ready to go out to dinner. Shirley says, “Abe, darling, do you want me to wear this Chanel suit or the Gucci?”
Abe says, “Do I care?”
A few minutes later Shirley says, “Abe, should I wear my Cartier watch or my Rolex?”
Abe says, “Who cares?”
A few more minutes pass and Shirley says, “Abe, love, shall I wear my five-carat pear diamond ring or my six-carat round diamond ring with the baguettes?”
Abe says, “Shirley, I really don’t care what you wear, but if you don’t get a move on, we’re going to miss the Early Bird Special at McDonalds.

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

WATCH THOSE DONATIONS

We’re not suggesting you stop giving to charity, just be careful to find out who’s collecting the money and where it’s going.

A recent Los Angeles Times investigation revealed that professional fundraisers keep so much of the money donated to charity that 430 different California charities over the last 10 years did not get a single penny of the contributions. In fact, in 337 cases, the charity paid an additional fee on top of getting nothing back but did come away with at least the donors’ names and addresses, for further solicitation. Philanthropy watchdogs say fundraisers should never keep more than 35 cents on the dollar, but the newspaper investigation found the overall average was 54 cents, and for missing-children charities, fundraisers kept 86 cents. Incidentally, fundraisers for an organization called “Citizens Against Government Waste” kept 94 cents of every dollar they raised!

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

I said, “Thus far and no farther will you come. Here your proud waves must stop!”—Job 38:11

In this verse God patiently explains to Job the limitations He has set for the waves of the sea. Sometimes we think evil has no bounds— that it has free reign to wreak havoc in our lives without any restrictions. However, God Almighty sets the stopping point for the attacks of the devil against us.

In Job’s life God had a predetermined time when He would suddenly throw the whole process into reverse, thus ending the greatest test endured by any human being other than Christ. Job’s patience in trial became the most significant witness of patience in biblical history: “We give great honor to those who endure under suffering. Job is an example of a man who endured patiently. From his experience we see how the Lord’s plan finally ended in good, for he is full of tenderness and mercy” (James 5:11).

The proud waters of evil may be threatening to overwhelm you, but God knows the moment when they will hit their predetermined limit. On that day your enemy will be like a wild dog at the end of a long chain, and you will be able to rest peacefully as God says to the enemy, “This far and no farther!”

–Larry Stockstill

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

JESUS’ VERY OWN PEACE

My peace I give you. —John 14:27

On the eve of the execution of Christian martyr Nicholas Ridley (1500-1555), his brother offered to stay with him in the prison to be of comfort. Ridley declined, saying that he planned to sleep as soundly as usual. Because he knew the peace of Jesus, he could rest in his Lord.

The next morning, Ridley told a fellow Christian who was also being executed, “Be of good heart, brother, for God will either assuage the fury of the flame, or else strengthen us to abide it.” Then they knelt and prayed by the stake and, after a brief conversation, were burned to death for their faith.

Jesus had given Nicholas Ridley His peace (John 14:27). But what kind of peace did Jesus have? In Matthew 16:21-23, we see His peace in His determination to go to Jerusalem even though He knew He would suffer and die (see Luke 9:51). Peter rebuked Him, but Jesus trusted His Father and went to the cross. His purpose for living was to die.

Amy Carmichael said, “The peace of Jesus stood every sort of test, every strain, and it never broke. It is this, His very own peace, which He says ‘I give.'”

No matter how big or small our trials may be, we can trust Jesus to give us His very own peace in the midst of them.

Anne Cetas

LEFTOVERS

THE CELL

Could using a mobile phone actually make you smarter?

The whole brain-cancer thing is pretty much history and has been shown to not really be an issue, but now according to a Hong Kong study, mobile phones made their users’ brains work “significantly” better. Tests showed mobile users performed mental tests better than non-users due to the findings that the local heating effect around the ear when a mobile is used causes some change in brain tissue, bringing about an increase in processing speed. ***Although, if mobile phones make people smarter, you’d think they would eventually become intelligent enough to know it’s a stupid idea to text and drive.

LIFE… LIVE IT

CAN THE RIGHT FOODS PREVENT GRAY HAIR?

We are dubious. That said, the United Kingdom’s Press Association has gathered reports from so-called experts, who claim that eating the right foods can actually prevent your hair from going gray. (And we thought it was genetics!) Hey, if it works, it’s cheaper than hair dye. Five foods that may prevent your hair from turning gray:

1. Walnuts = Melanin gives hair its pigment, and cooper is crucial in melanin production. Walnuts are rich in copper.

2. Shellfish = Zinc helps keep color in your hair, so presumably foods that are rich in zinc will keep you from going gray. In addition to shellfish, zinc-rich foods include sunflower seeds, cashews and yogurt

3. Salmon = Omega-3 fatty acids not only keep your heart strong, but also keep your hair strong. Other sources of omega-3 fatty acids are mackerel, lake trout, halibut, herring, oysters, sardines and albacore tuna.

4. Chicken = If you don’t get enough vitamin B12, it can cause your hair to become dry, thin and prematurely gray. Chicken, as well as eggs, cheese and milk, are packed with vitamin B12. Some claim that large doses certain B vitamins — B6, B12 and folic acid — will reverse the process of graying in three months. (Before you take massive doses of any vitamin or mineral, do consult your family doctor.)

5. Broccoli = Folate (or folic acid) has been linked to better hair health, while lack of it has been linked to premature graying. Folic acid is found in broccoli, asparagus, beans, peas and lentils. Many foods in the United States, such as pasta, bread, rice and cereals, have been fortified with folic acid.

JUST FOR FUN

ANARCHISTS ARISE

A 15 year old girl has been suspended because she tried to start a club at school. Sound insane? You won’t think so when you find out what kind of club she wanted to form!

Katie Sierra is a 15-year-old student at Sissonville High School in West Virginia, and she’s none too bright. It seems young Katie has been suspended for three days for promoting a club she’s trying to start. What kind of club? Oh, just your typical high school anarchy club.  Katie enlisted the help of her mom to sue the school for denying her right to free speech, but the judge ruled that she does not have a right to start her club or to wear her Anarchy T-shirts because they would be disruptive to the school.  ***MARLAR: How can you begin an “Anarchy Club?”  Isn’t the idea of a club – an organized group of believers – the exact opposite of anarchy?

FUN LIST

IT’S NOT ENGLISH, IT’S TEXISH

The engine’s runnin’, but ain’t nobody drivin’. [not real smart]

Tighter than the bark on a tree. [stingy]

We’ve howdied, but we ain’t shook yet. [We’ve met, but we haven’t been formally introduced.]

She’s got tongue enough for ten rows of teeth. [She’s a talker]

This ain’t my first rodeo. [I’ve been around].

Slide off and cool your saddle. [rest]

He’s as shy of truth as a goat is of feathers. [he lies]

Sounds like he must’ve gotten sour milk from his mother. [he’s a malcontent]

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

Little white lies. We all tell them. We do it to be kind. (“I love this gift!”) We do it to protect ourselves. (“I’m leaving in five minutes.”) We do it because it’s the easy way out. (“I didn’t see your text.”) White lies are the kinder, gentler fibs about less important things, and DirecTV surveyed 2,000 U.S. adults to find out which white lies they told the most and to whom. Provided the respondents were telling the truth, the survey yielded some fascinating results. The top 10 most frequently told white lies and the percentage of people who have used the lie:

“I’m fine.” (92 percent)

“I love this present!” (80 percent)

“Sorry, I’m sick.” (78 percent)

“I didn’t see your text.” (72 percent)

“Let’s keep in touch!” (70 percent)

“This meal you made is delicious.” (70 percent)

“Leaving in five minutes.” (69 percent)

“On my way.” (66 percent)

“I’ll be ready in 15 minutes.” (65 percent)

“No, you don’t need to lose weight.” (63 percent)

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

The next time you buy groceries, talk to the cashier. Talking with a stranger — and in so doing socially connecting with that person — can improve your own sense of well-being, according to researchers from the University of Chicago. It’s long been conventional wisdom that we avoid talking to strangers because we think it will be a negative experience. Instead, the opposite appears to be true. Small talk with a stranger can spark happiness and make you feel more positive about your own life. Nicholas Epley and Julia Schroeder from Chicago’s Booth School of Business conducted several experiments in which commuters were asked to either connect with a nearby stranger, remain disconnected or commute as normal. Those who initially said they preferred to remain in solitude during a commute found that then when they talked to a stranger they were surprised that the stranger was actually interested in making the social connection, too. And when they did take that chance and strike up a conversation with someone they didn’t know, the participants reported that it was a positive experience. The takeaway: The next time you buy a coffee, talk to the barista.

Not only is lying a sin… it’s also bad for your health. It turns out that telling the truth when you’re tempted to lie can actually improve your mental and physical health. On average, the typical American lies about 11 times a week. “We wanted to find out if living more honestly can actually cause better health,” said lead author Anita E. Kelly, a professor of psychology at the University of Notre Dame. “We found that the participants could purposefully and dramatically reduce their everyday lies, and that in turn was associated with significantly improved health.” ***Hey… I guess the Bible was right!

We joke and call them “senior moments,” but it’s not funny when you can’t remember a word, a person’s name or where you put your keys. The solution? Go take a walk. When seniors regularly took brisk walks for one year, an amazing thing happened: The hippocampus, the section of the brain that is involved in memory, actually grew in size, according to researchers from the University of Pittsburgh and University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign. Typically, the hippocampus shrinks as we age.  So rather than playing those brain games, maybe take a quick walk – it might be better for your brain!

A woman with stage 4 cancer was so determined not to miss her favorite winter holiday that she decorated her home for Christmas two months early. According to Yahoo news, Michelle Fadel said: “There’s a good chance, unless the Lord changes his mind, that I won’t make it through Christmas and I love Christmas.” The 56 year old was put on hospice care after her cancer spread to her bones, lungs and brain. But instead of complaining, Fadel decided it was time to get into the holiday spirit early by displaying her wreath, reindeer, lights and nativity set. Word spread on Fadel’s block and neighbors began hanging their own decorations. About 12 houses are decorated for Christmas on her block. Fadel’s husband Daniel is collecting everyone’s present wishlist and will soon put up a Christmas tree so the couple, their three children and six grandchildren can celebrate the holiday. http://abcn.ws/2dCsBXT

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

OCTOBER 14, 2016…

Mascots—This is a movie with Christopher Guest  (remember “Best In Show”) who helps mascots from sports team compete in their own contest about performance and costume. Let your mind go wild here. How about the Gold Fluffy as the name of a trophy  The cast includes Jane Lynch, Ed Begley, Jr., Zach Woods and Sarah Baker. “Mascots” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans of “sports” competitions.

The Accountant—Autism and dealing with it is part of the topic in this movie about a gifted man with numbers (Ben Affleck) works with criminals and also with good guys. He can find where the money is going and who is taking a share.  However…where is justice?  Hmm. Also in the cast are Anna Kendrick and J. K Simmons. “The Accountant” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans of numbers.

Kevin Hart: What Now?—Comic Kevin Hart has a new concert film out for fans which was filmed in Philadelphia. “Kevin Hart: What Now?” is not rated.

Desierto—Jeffrey Dean Morgan (“The Good Wife”) now takes on an action role in this thriller of problems along the U.S.-Mexico border. Also in the cast is Gael Garcia Bernal. “Desierto” is rated R. No rating.

Tower—This documentary is about the shootings on the University of Texas campus, August 1, 1996. The campus was shut down for over 90 minutes and in the end, 16 people were dead. This Keith Maitland directed film, has interviews with people from that time period.  “Tower” has no rating but could be PG 13 for themed material. No rating.

OCTOBER 21, 2016…

Jack Reacher: Never Go Back has Tom Cruise back in action. No more need be said.

In A Valley Of Violence concerns two men with a grudge going for a fight. Stars Ethan Hawke.

Moonlight is about a young African American man who tries to discover what he wants in life.

Ouija: Origin Of Evil begins the horror films before Halloween.

Tyler Perry’s Boo! A Madea Halloween says it all in the title. For Tyler Perry fans.

American Pastoral stars Ewan McGregor (both director and star) in an adaptation of Philip Roth’s novel of dealing with a family crisis in the 1960’s.

Keeping Up With The Joneses concerns a typical suburban couple with mysterious neighbors. A comedy. Stars Isla Fisher and Jon Hamm.

A Monster Calls is about a tree that comes to life to help a little boy cope with family problems. Stars Lewis MacDougall. Adapted from a Patrick Ness novel.

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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.