October 19, 2016: Wednesday ONAIRprep

***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS – FREE TO AIR! (Need to receive this earlier than when it’s posted? Get FTP access and receive a fully-produced version FREE with a customized tag specifically for your station or show! Contact me with your ONAIRprep username for details!)

AND NOW… ON WITH THE SHOW!

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20161019

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

The management of this station is not responsible for any loss of dignity suffered while listening to today’s (JOCK SHOW).

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.” — Colossians 3:12

People were bringing little children to Jesus to have him touch them, but the disciples rebuked them. When Jesus saw this, he was indignant. He said to them, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.” –Mark 10:13-14

Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is — his good, pleasing, and perfect will. — Romans 12:2

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit his very self? — Luke 9:25

Thought: I once had a picture in my office of a hearse pulling a U-Haul trailer with the caption, “Who says you can’t take it with you?” While it is humorous, it is also wrong … DEAD wrong. If we lose our souls in the pursuit of things, what of lasting value have we gained? Is it worth losing the only thing that really matters?

Prayer: Loving Father, help me keep my eyes on what is truly valuable and use the other blessings in my life to bring you glory and to bless others. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

Proverbs 10:19 NIV = Sin is not ended by multiplying words, but the prudent hold their tongues.

TODAY IS WEDNESDAY – OCTOBER 19, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
68 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is MAKE A SCARECROW DAY. ***Not much use at the office, unless it keeps that co-worker from secretly eating that homemade lunch you put in the fridge.

Today is EVALUATE YOUR LIFE DAY.  ***And if the most entertainment in your life is now making a scarecrow, you should probably re-evaluate your life.

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Evaluate Your Life Day

Hagfish Day

International Overload Day

Medial Assistants Recognition Day

Support Your Local Chamber of Commerce Day

Unity Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below.)

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 20

Conflict Resolution Day

Get To Know Your Customers Day

Get Smart About Credit Day

International Credit Union Day

Miss American Rose Day

Spirit Day

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 21

Celebration of the Mind Day

Global Iodine Deficiency Disorder Prevention Day

Mammography Day

National Pharmacy Buyer Day

Reptile Awareness Day

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 22

Caps Locks Day

International Stuttering Awareness Day

Make a Difference Day

National Nut Day

Pit Bull Awareness Day

Smart Is Cool Day

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 23

iPod Day

Mother-in-Law Day

National Mole Day

Swallows Depart From San Juan Capistrano Day

TV Talk Show Host Day

Xterra World Championships

MONDAY, OCTOBER 24

Food Day

Lung Health Day

World Development Information Day

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 25

Chucky, The Notorious Killer Doll Day

International Artists Day

Sourest Day

World Pasta Day

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 26

Howl At The Moon Night

Intersex Awareness Day

Mule Day

National Day of the Deployed

ON THIS DAY

1952: Some 14-thousand fans paid from a dollar to $2.80 to attend a 3:00 p.m. rehearsal and the 7:00 p.m. wedding of singer Hank Williams and Billy Jean Eshlimar at New Orleans’ municipal auditorium.

1953: Singer Julius LaRosa, a regular on the CBS television program “Arthur Godfrey Time,” was fired on the air by Godfrey, who accused him of lacking humility.

1976: President Gerald Ford signed a bill posthumously making George Washington a 6-star general, the highest ever U.S. military rank. ***And after all of that George didn’t even have the decency to show up for the awards ceremony.

1983: The annual 2-day White Elephant Sale at the Cleveland Convention Center made $427,935.21, the most ever raised at a 2-day rummage sale. ***Of course, the white elephant itself was none too happy about being auctioned off… but hey, it was for charity.

1997: Holly, Colorado, designated the school crossing guard to handle emergencies after the town marshall and his deputy resigned and another deputy was fired. It worked out okay. In six weeks, the community of 900 had only one emergency when somebody stole the trash can at the car wash.

1998: Mike Tyson got his boxing license back after pleading with the Nevada Athletic Commission to stop “torturing” him for biting Evander Holyfield’s ear during a fight 15 months earlier.

1999: A 29-year-old ginger and white tomcat named Spike was crowned as Britain’s oldest cat. Owner Mo Elkington attributed Spike’s 203 equivalent human years to a diet laced daily with bits from the aloe vera plant.

2001: A 23-year-old student teacher, rushing to get ready for class, tripped and swallowed the 5-inch, pink toothbrush she had in her mouth. Vania Lucchesi, of Cardiff, Wales, had the presence of mind to take a taxi to the University Hospital, where a surgeon made a small incision in her stomach and removed the toothbrush within 15 minutes. Doctors said the mishap could have been serious if the brush had stuck and blocked the patient’s airways.

2003: New York magician David Blaine emerged from 44 days of isolation in a clear plastic box suspended over London. He survived only on water.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1562: Birth of George Abbot, archbishop of Canterbury. A recognized leader of the English Calvinists, Abbot also demonstrated Puritan sympathies, and took a leading part in translating the 1611 King James Version of the Bible.

1609: Death of Jacob Arminius, 49, the Dutch theologian who lent his name to the beliefs (known today at Arminianism) which oppose the major tenets of Protestant Reformed (Calvinist) theology.

1720: Birth of John Woolman, American Quaker reformer. His “Journal,” written from 1756-72, greatly influenced 19th century abolitionists.

1744: English revivalist George Whitefield, 29, arrived in Maine at the start of his second visit to America. Whitefield struggled to adapt the beliefs of Calvinism to the Arminian teachings of proto-Methodists John and Charles Wesley.

1921: Birth of Bill Bright, American youth evangelist. Bill and his wife Vonette founded Campus Crusade for Christ in 1951, incorporating this evangelical Christian student organization in California in 1953.

2003: Pope John Paul II beatified Mother Teresa, the world famous nun, before hundreds of thousands of pilgrims packed into St. Peter`s Square in Vatican City, the last formal step to sainthood.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actor (The Gospel) Omar Gooding 40

  • comedian (“Saturday Night Live”) Chris Kattan 46 (audio clip)

  • Actor (Daredevil, Iron Man, “Friends”) Jon Favreau, 50 (audio clip)

  • actor (Cliffhanger, “3rd Rock from the Sun”) John Lithgow is 71 (audio clip)

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1911 : Mahalia Jackson

1923 : Bert Kaempfert

1935 : Sugar Pie DeSanto

1937 : Emile Ford (Emile Ford and the Checkmates)

1938 : Nico

1938 : Christa Paffgen

1942 : Dave Lovelady (The Fourmost)

1943 : C.F. Turner (Bachman-Turner Overdrive)

1947 : Bob Weir (Grateful Dead)

1953 : Tony Carey

1959 : Gary Kemp (Spandau Ballet)

1962 : Flea (Red Hot Chili Peppers)

1969 : Wendy Wilson (Wilson Phillips)

1977 : John Mayer

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Why are computer keyboards arranged as they are?

Computer keyboards are arranged in the so-called “QWERTY” pattern because, in the early days of mechanical typewriters, proficient typists could type so fast that the keys frequently jammed against each other. In an effort to space often-used keys apart to prevent jamming, the familiar but illogical QWERTY pattern was developed.

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving three days a week from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

Advice from the members of the band For King and Country: if the dream doesn’t scare you dream bigger.

Jamie Grace has a goal. She said I can’t help myself. I want to be friends with the world.

Meredith Andrews says joy is always the best decision, especially when the airlines loses your luggage. The well-known worship leader was sporting her travel clothing on stage this weekend after her luggage got lost on the flight to Minnesota. Her sweatshirt appropriately said Laugh More. https://www.instagram.com/p/BLkEac7AIsZ/

High Praise this weekend for the Afters. Lieutenant Preston, who has been serving in the Albany Georgia Police Department for 20 years, told the Afters frontman Josh Havens that the bands concert this weekend was the best to ever come her city.

Chris Tomlin expanded the number of sights and released a brand new trailer for his Worship Night in America over the weekend. Chris posted: We’ve added over 150 new locations around the country, including larger auditoriums in many areas that were sold out. The one night movie event will take place on October 25th Across the Nation. Watch the trailer at http://tomlin.cta.gs/0q4

Another edition of Switchfoot’s Stories Behind The Songs is now available. The latest feature is the song The Day That I Found God. Read more about the song and find out why the music is meant to be a bit uncomfortable, and disturbing. http://switchfoot.com/stories-behind-the-songs-the-day-i-found-god/

Casting Crowns Megan Garrett says her binge trip to Bath and Body Works prior to the bands latest tour paid off. She walked into her house after this weekend tour run and said she smelled all things cinnamon pumpkin.

Natalie Grant was struggling on Sunday. She posted: This is my current situation: I’m supposed to be on stage in 5 minutes. But my Seahawks just made it a 1 point game. To stall or not to stall…that is the question!

The sons of Tobymac are enjoying the fruits of their labors. Tobymac posted: Nice work Krispy Kreme…free doughnuts for Report Card A’s! Well marketed. Attached was a picture of his sons holding their box of Krispy Kreme donuts.

http://ift.tt/2ejDnlx

Tenth Avenue North front man Mike Donehey took advantage of a gorgeous day in Louisville over the weekend to actually listen to the bands new album. The latest CD from Tenth Avenue North is called Followers. It released on Friday. Saturday Mike finally was able to sit down to listen to the whole record for the first time since they recorded it.

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. As on ONAIRprep subscriber, you can get a fully-produced, customized version of the Daily Dose of Weird News FREE with a station or show specific tag! Email darren@onairprep.com for details!)

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

Nike’s newest big deal shoe, the self-lacing HyperAdapt 1.0 sneaker will hit the shelves of some stores on November 28th.  ***So we get the “power laces” from Back to the Future, but still no hoverboard.  Still…  no… HOVERBOARD!!!!

A new study has concluded that pigeons can understand words.  ***So it’s very possible that they understood you the last time you yelled at one of them for pooping on your car.

Scientists say they have been able to identify the part of the brain that causes people to enjoy the misfortunes of others.  ***They easily found a group for testing by contacting viewers of the Jerry Springer Show.

A Florida police department said it is “holding on to” 16 potted marijuana plants found on a trail until the owner comes forward. The Gainesville Police Department found the potted pot plants under a large bush near a trail. Police left a note behind at the scene, reading: “We have your weed. Call 911 to and claim it.” They also posted a photo on Facebook.  *** How awesome is this.  To protect and to serve… no matter the species!

This will make you feel old. Remember Luke Perry – the main heartthrob from TV’s Beverly Hills 90210? Well he’s back on the front cover of a magazine – but now is mugging for AARP (American Association of Retired Persons). Perry turned 50 earlier this month officially putting him in the group’s demo. ***My parachute pants are still cool though, right?

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

Joke thieves beware: Twitter seems to be cracking down on plagiarism. In a freewheeling universe home to millions of spambots, fake celebrities and trolls, it’s no surprise that many Twitter accounts habitually steal short quips to rack up followers. But now the social network is erasing and hiding a number of tweets reported as stolen.  ***Just so you know, “Thou shalt not steal” counts even if it’s only 140 characters at a time.

A new survey finds that nearly half of all Americans gain weight on the job.  According to the workers, it’s hard to eat healthy and exercise when you’re working hard.  ***Or if you work for Little Debbie.

Scientists at the National Institute of Mental Health discovered a way to turn lazy monkeys into workaholics.  The rhesus monkeys had to push a lever in response to a visual cue to get a reward of a drop of water, and after a while, they’d slack off.  But when given a gene treatment that blocks brain cells from receiving dopamine, the chemical associated with rewards, the monkeys worked harder and longer and made fewer mistakes.  ***You knew it was happening somewhere – research to find a way for companies to turn their employees into workaholics.

Many people today are familiar with miracle stories in the Bible, but it is not just people in the first century who have believed in miracles. Various polls peg U.S. belief in miracles at roughly 80 percent. One survey suggested that 73 percent of U.S. physicians believe in miracles, and 55 percent claim to have personally witnessed treatment results they consider miraculous. Even more striking than the number of people who believe in miracles is the number who claim to have witnessed or experienced them. ***However, not all miracles are true miracles.  For example, Rush Limbaugh apologizing on the air does not count.

WONDER WOMAN (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Ballpark Stands”

DAILY COMEDY CLIP (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Mark Lowry, “Paw Paw’s Chin”

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD WEDNESDAY’S EPISODE


OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, Gruffy Bear had cancelled his checkers game with Sully because he wanted to go bowling with his new friend, Grizz Bear – doing a favor for the team who was short one player. But Sully is upset about Gruffy not keeping his promise…

CLOSE: Did Gruffy get a strike and win the game for his new friend, Grizz? Will they move on to the next round? The championships? Tune in again next time, As the Jungle Turns!

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF OCTOBER 22/23

OPEN: When last we left the jungle, all of the animals were frantically trying to sell all of their possessions so they could run away from the jungle to escape a giant-footed creature that nobody has really even seen yet – just footprints. And the sales were so great, that everyone bought everyone else’s stuff, so now all of the animals have just as much stuff as they started with! Except one animal… who’s still working on his sign!

CLOSE: I’m sure Millard is just kidding about that. That is one smart skunk! Tune in again next time for more of our story, as FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

If you get a letter in the mail with white powder… it may not necessarily be dangerous… but I would not test that theory. One company’s irresponsible mail-order promotion, coming up!

It turns out that millions of letters were dropped in the mail recently containing a white powder. Doesn’t sound like a good idea, does it? I’d have to agree… but it’s not stopping Nutricia, Ltd. in Wiltshire, England. It’s not drugs or poison, but a harmless baking mix. Of course, the post-office is furious about this, saying the decision to go ahead with the promotion is “irresponsible”, “outrageous” and “in extremely bad taste”. ***MARLAR: I don’t have any “duh” comments for this story.  Some stories are so duh, and the people and companies so duh, that a duh comment would only take away from their duh-ness.

TOP TEN

You Know Something’s Wrong When…

10. There are so many signs of trouble… How does one keep track of them all?

9. Your accountant’s letter of resignation is postmarked Panama.

8. You have to hitchhike to the bank to make your car payment.

7. Your suggestion box starts ticking.

6. The simple instructions enclosed aren’t.

5. You take an assertiveness training course and you’re afraid to tell your wife.

4. The pest exterminator crawls under your house and never comes out.

3. Your pacemaker has only a thirty-day guarantee.

2. You see the cruise captain running toward the railing wearing a life jacket.

1. They pay your wages out of petty cash.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Robbing a bank is not a game – even if you have the toys to do it.

FILE #1: A struggling Austrian toyshop owner was arrested after he tried to rob a bank with one of his toy guns. The man stormed into a local bank with a stocking over his head and a gun in his hand, and demanded clerks empty their tills. But a security guard noticed the ‘weapon’ was a plastic water pistol and asked him to hand over the toy to avoid “an even bigger embarrassment”.

FILE #2: Authorities say they’ve seized late-model flat-screen TVs, DVD players and stereos, assorted firearms and mobile phones from jail cells in the national penitentiary near Manila. The Bureau of Corrections Director said he ordered the prison sweep after an upsurge in the electricity bill.

FILE #3: James Davis was in a hurry. And you know how frustrating it is when the car in front of you is just creeping along. That’s what was happening, so he decided to express his irritation by honking at the car. That in itself isn’t such a bad idea. It’s the fact that the slow traveling car was a police cruiser that got him into trouble. Things got even worse when the cops pulled him over to see what the rush was and discovered Mr. Davis was intoxicated. He’s been arrested.

STRANGE LAW: Seattle, Washington residents may not carry concealed weapons longer than six feet.  (How you carry a concealed weapon as long as you are tall is still up for debate.)

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

Authorities in Tennessee say a 10-year-old was driving about 90 miles an hour when he crashed a van.

They say his passengers were two other young children, along with two adults who had been drinking and taking pills. A sheriff’s official says authorities arrived on the scene to find a woman trying to swallow as many pills as she could and a man who reported drinking at least 15 beers. A photo released by the sheriff’s office shows the man wearing a T-shirt saying, “Buy this dad a beer.” After the crash, everyone in the van was taken to a hospital for treatment of minor injuries. Authorities says the children — two 10-year-olds and a six-year-old — are believed to be related to the adults. The children have been placed in state care. The adults are facing multiple charges.

PHONER PHUN

What do you make homemade that is better than a store or restaurant? (Willing to share the recipe with the rest of our audience via our website?)

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: How many of Jesus’ brothers wrote books of the Bible?

ANSWER: Two, James and Jude (Matthew 13)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: On the TV show, “Perry Mason” how many trials did Perry Mason lose?

ANSWER: One.  (October 17, 1963: TV defense attorney Perry Mason lost his only trial to district attorney Hamilton Burger. Mason’s client refused to reveal the evidence that would save her. But then, of course, Perry found the real culprit and exonerated his client despite herself.)

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. Mosquito repellents don’t repel. (True. They don’t repel, they actually hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito’s sensors so they don’t know you’re there. Also, the powder on the bark of a quaking aspen tree works as a mosquito repellent.)

2. Residents of Chicago, IL lead the U.S. in eating out. (False – the leaders live in Houston, Texas – approximately 4.6 times per week.)

3. The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one-mile in every five must be straight so airplanes can use the highways in case of emergency. (True.)

4. “Hang on Sloopy” is the official rock song of Ohio. (True.)

5. California consumes more bottled water than any other state. (True – not only that, but bottled water is consumed more than any other product in California!)

6. Jesus Christ has a drivers license in California. (True – in fact, California has issued 6 drivers licenses to people named “Jesus Christ.”)

7. The typical hen lays 100 dozen eggs a year. (False – it’s only 19 dozen a year)

8. Lettuce is a member of the sunflower family. (True.)

9. More than half of U.S. households consume turkey deli meat at least once every two weeks. (False – only a fourth of households do.)

10. Two hundred years ago, in every election, the U.S. Presidential candidate who came in second in a presidential race automatically became vice president. (True – prior to the adoption of the Twelfth Amendment in 1804, the candidate who ran second in a presidential race automatically became vice president. Thomas Jefferson became John Adams’ vice president in this way.)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

VIRGIN GALACTIC TO FLY TO _______ (THE SUN)

Richard Branson announced that Virgin Galactic is going to fly to sun!

Sir Richard Branson announced that the RedKnight aircraft that will fly to the sun starting in 2015.  The plane will be able to hold 238 passengers.  And the airline will be booking flights starting next month.

The Virgin Galactic team is thrilled to be the first airline to fly to the sun.

During the flight passengers will be able to float around the cabin due to weightlessness.  Passengers will all be equipped with a heat protection suit that will keep them at a cool 72 degrees as they approach the sun.

“We would love to land on the Sun, but that isn’t possible… yet,” reportedly said Sir Richard.

Accompanied by his partner, Jackie Lavin, today, Branson said: ‘I wanted to be the first Irishman in space and I’m really looking forward to it and being the first human to get close to the sun.

“I’ve been interested in space ever since I followed comic hero Dan Dare when I was a kid.”

NASA is skeptical about the flight to the sun.  ”They’re going to burn up as son as they pass Venus,” said Dr. Keith Bablon of NASA.  ”I wouldn’t ever get on that plane.”

“He’s not invited,” said Sir Richard.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

After leaving the racetrack Bill bumped into his old friend Peter on the bus.

“Say,” Peter said, “How’s it going?”

“Going? You want to hear one of the most amazing things that ever happened? Tell me – what’s today’s date?”

“July seventh.”

“Right. The seventh day, of the seventh month. I go to the track at seven minutes past seven. My son is seven years old today, and we live at number seven, Seventh Avenue.”

“Let me guess,” Peter interrupted. “You put everything you had on the seventh horse in the seventh race.”

“Right.”

“And he won?!”

“No. He came in seventh.”

JOKE #2

The police recently busted a man selling ‘secret formula’ tablets he claimed gave eternal youth. 
When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth time he was caught for committing this same criminal medical fraud. 

He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983.

JOKE #3

There were two old boys from Alabama who love to fish, and they wanted to do some ice fishing.
They’d heard about it up in Canada, and they took off up there. The lake was frozen nicely. They stopped just before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle.

One of them said, “We’re going to need an ice pick.”

So they got that, and they took off.

In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said, “We’re going to need another dozen ice picks.”
Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions, but he didn’t. He sold him the picks, and the old boy left.

In about an hour, he was back. “We’re going to need all the ice picks you’ve got.”

The bait man couldn’t stand it any longer. “By the way,” he asked, “how are you fellows doing?”

“Not very well at all,” he said. “We don’t even have the boat in the water yet.”

USELESS FACTS

There is a very small town in West Virginia called “Big Ugly”. ***No one has any idea why it was named that, but you know, it’s probably a redneck thing. There was a woman from Big Ugly who entered a beauty pageant, and won. The headline in the local paper read, “Big Ugly Woman Wins Beauty Pageant”.

Alexander Graham Bell, inventor of the telephone, was originally an instructor for deaf children and invented the telephone to help his deaf wife and mother to hear. ***He then went deaf himself hearing them say, “Why don’t you ever call?!? You never call!”

We automatically perceive people who smell good as more attractive. ***There you go boys, proof that your AXE Body Spray is not a pleasant smell.  Otherwise, you’d be surrounded by babes like in their commercials.

FEATURED FUNNIES

PUMPKIN MATH

QUESTION: What do you get if you divide the circumference of your pumpkin by its diameter?

ANSWER: Pumpkin Pi

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

OF COURSE, YOU COULD ALWAYS JUST RENAME THE TOWN

The joke in Big Lake, Texas, is that there is no lake.

…well, once in a while there is: the 1,000-acre lake is dry, and has only had water when someone has bothered to pump some in. And mayor J.R. Dunn wants to do just that. He wants to drill between 50-100 wells to feed the lake on an ongoing basis. The down side is that the idea would cost at least $2 million, which is way too much than what the town of 3,500 people can afford. Besides, they also have drinking water and irrigation problems to take of too. One local resident said the evaporation in Big Lake Texas was so bad that you’d be looking at more than a million gallons of water every day that would need to be replaced. But Mayor Dunn is undeterred. “We are sitting here living in a town called Big Lake and we don’t have a lake,” he whined.  ***MARLAR: Oh please… just paint the dirt blue and be done with it!

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

HOW MUCH DOES PATIENCE COST?

In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10 year old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in front of him.

“How much is an ice cream sundae?”

“Fifty cents,” replied the waitress.

The little boy pulled his handout of his pocket and studied a number of coins in it. “How much is a dish of plain ice cream?” he inquired.

Some people were now waiting for a table and the waitress as a bit impatient. “Thirty-five cents,” she said brusquely.

The little boy again counted the coins. “I’ll have the plain ice cream,” he said.

The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away.

The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and departed. When the waitress came back, she began wiping down the table and then swallowed hard at what she saw. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies — her tip.

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

FOR HIS EYES ONLY

Your Father who sees in secret will reward you openly. —Matthew 6:18

Typically, as we age we lose our prominence and our positions of influence. Even those of us who have never sought the limelight seem increasingly to fade into the shadows.

Obscurity and anonymity are good, however, for it is difficult to perform in public without wondering what impression we’re making on others. We fret over the extent that our reputations are being enhanced or damaged. And therein lies our peril: To the degree that we seek human recognition, we forfeit God’s approval. On the other hand, to lose the admiration of men and women may turn us to seek God’s approval only.

Here is a test for our gifts, our prayers, our fasts: Are they done for God’s eyes only? If so, though overlooked and unnoticed by others, we have our Father’s acknowledgment and reward.

Three times Jesus repeated to His disciples: “Your Father who sees in secret will reward you openly” (Matt. 6:4,6,18). This is our assurance as well. Every unobserved gift of time, energy, and love; every petition we whisper in our Father’s ears; every secret, inward struggle against sin and self-indulgence will be fully rewarded in due time. In the end, His “Well done, good and faithful servant” is all that will matter (Matt. 25:21). —David H. Roper

All service rendered to the Lord
Is sure to gain His rich reward;
And if we work with motives pure,
Our weakest efforts will endure. —D. De Haan

There is no reward from God to those who seek it from men. —Spurgeon

LEFTOVERS

A LITTLE GOOFY

Ugandan officials are currently looking for a hunter who pursues Gorilla. But he doesn’t stop there.

… once he finds them, he doesn’t kill them for food or trophies; in fact, he doesn’t kill them at all. In a bizarre twist from normal, he tranquilizes the gorillas, dresses them in clown outfits, and then makes his getaway. That means that he leaves the gorillas to wander around in their clown outfits until Officials find them, and re-tranquilize the big apes and to remove the outfits.

LIFE… LIVE IT

Here’s something to sink your teeth into. If you’re looking for a dazzling smile, Lubbock, Texas, may not be the place to go. According to a study in Men’s Health magazine, Lubbock has the worst teeth of the 100 large U.S. cities surveyed. The Texas cities of El Paso, San Antonio and Dallas also ranked low. On the other hand, the best teeth were found in Madison, Wisconsin; Nashville, and Raleigh, North Carolina.

JUST FOR FUN

SPEEDY GETAWAY

A thief drives off in a $125,000 car after convincing the dealership that he was the true owner!

A thief in California, has driven off in a new $125,000 Porsche after convincing sales staff it was his. The real buyer, who’d waited two years for his special order, arrived 20 minutes later at the dealership. Police are still looking for the Porsche 996 Turbo and the man who drove it. They say he arrived at the dealership dressed in a grey business suit and carrying a handheld computer. According to police detective Dana de la Rocha, the general manager had just told a worker to finish washing the car, because the customer who ordered it was on his way. The suspect then told the worker the Porsche was his and was given the keys. ***MARLAR: Unbelievable.  This guy gets away with driving off in a Porsche without even presenting an I.D., yet I buy ANYTHING at Radio Shack and they’re asking me for my name, phone number, address, mother’s maiden name, shoe size…

FUN LIST

WHAT IF EVERY PERSON IN THE BIBLE HAD THEIR OWN THEME SONG?

  • NOAH – Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head

  • ADAM AND EVE – Strangers in Paradise

  • SAMSON – Hair

  • DANIEL – The Lion Sleeps Tonight

  • MOSES – The Wanderer

  • JEZEBEL – The Lady is a Tramp

  • LAZARUS – The Second Time Around

  • THE THREE KINGS – When You Wish Upon a Star

  • JONAH – Got a Whale of a Tale

  • JEREMIAH – Take This Job and Shove It

  • JOSHUA – Good Vibrations

  • ESAU – Born To Be Wild

  • METHUSELAH – Stayin’ Alive

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

A dog gets his day in court and wins!

A lawyer has been awarded $100,000 for defending a dog in court. Raymond Dowd was given the award by the trial judge after a three-year long court battle. Robert the dog had been denied a share of a will left by billionaire heiress Doris Duke, for the care of her dogs. Mr. Dowd won the case and was awarded his legal fees by the judge in New York.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

An evangelist with no arms or legs has got millions of inspired fans worldwide. According to ChristianToday.com, Nick Vujicic led thousands to Christ during his recent tour of Europe. Vujicic also met with the leaders of Ukraine and Slovenia. In one “incredible” night in Ukraine, Vujicic says more than half of 5,000 people who listened to him speak in an auditorium “stood, repented, received Jesus as their Lord and Savior and are now being followed up with by the local church. http://ow.ly/POKN305fy7H

If you suffer frequent headaches, here’s something you might try.  Eat a banana.  Experts say a sudden craving for chocolate or cheese may actually be the body displaying a desire for sugar, which can signal an impending attack. But snacking on a banana will help keep your blood sugar levels even and hold a headache at bay, says Dr. Andy Dowson, director of headache services at King’s College Hospital in London.

God continues to grow His Church in Iran. According to a recent Gospel Coalition story, government persecution in the country continues to backfire. A recent report say Iranian government officials have warned citizens against reading the Bible but the warning has caused many Iranians, already disillusioned with their government, to become all the more eager to obtain a copy of the Bible. The Iranian government’s closure of churches over the past few years has forced Christians of Muslim background to meet in underground house churches. There are now so many that it’s impossible to find them all. And Christian websites are routinely blocked and TV channels scrambled in Iran. This censorship makes more people curious about what the government doesn’t want them to know. http://buff.ly/2dQ7aV5

Hey bosses, if you are busting the chops of your employees for watching cute animal videos, you might want to back off.  A recent study reveals that viewing videos and puppy and kitty “cams” on the clock actually makes you better at your job. In a series of experiments conducted at Hiroshima University in Japan, researchers found that people who looked at pictures of sweet little critters outperformed those who do not. “Cute animals not only make us happier, but also affect our behavior,” the researchers write. “This study shows that viewing cute things improves subsequent performances in tasks that require behavioral carefulness, possibly by narrowing the breadth of attention focus.” But make sure those beasts you are gazing at are young’uns – the study revealed that folks who watched babies also outperformed people who looked at photos of adult animals. Watching adult animals or adult humans did not have the same effect.

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

The reason politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they’ve passed.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

OCTOBER 14, 2016…

Mascots—This is a movie with Christopher Guest  (remember “Best In Show”) who helps mascots from sports team compete in their own contest about performance and costume. Let your mind go wild here. How about the Gold Fluffy as the name of a trophy  The cast includes Jane Lynch, Ed Begley, Jr., Zach Woods and Sarah Baker. “Mascots” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans of “sports” competitions.

The Accountant—Autism and dealing with it is part of the topic in this movie about a gifted man with numbers (Ben Affleck) works with criminals and also with good guys. He can find where the money is going and who is taking a share.  However…where is justice?  Hmm. Also in the cast are Anna Kendrick and J. K Simmons. “The Accountant” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans of numbers.

Kevin Hart: What Now?—Comic Kevin Hart has a new concert film out for fans which was filmed in Philadelphia. “Kevin Hart: What Now?” is not rated.

Desierto—Jeffrey Dean Morgan (“The Good Wife”) now takes on an action role in this thriller of problems along the U.S.-Mexico border. Also in the cast is Gael Garcia Bernal. “Desierto” is rated R. No rating.

Tower—This documentary is about the shootings on the University of Texas campus, August 1, 1996. The campus was shut down for over 90 minutes and in the end, 16 people were dead. This Keith Maitland directed film, has interviews with people from that time period.  “Tower” has no rating but could be PG 13 for themed material. No rating.

OCTOBER 21, 2016…

Jack Reacher: Never Go Back has Tom Cruise back in action. No more need be said.

In A Valley Of Violence concerns two men with a grudge going for a fight. Stars Ethan Hawke.

Moonlight is about a young African American man who tries to discover what he wants in life.

Ouija: Origin Of Evil begins the horror films before Halloween.

Tyler Perry’s Boo! A Madea Halloween says it all in the title. For Tyler Perry fans.

American Pastoral stars Ewan McGregor (both director and star) in an adaptation of Philip Roth’s novel of dealing with a family crisis in the 1960’s.

Keeping Up With The Joneses concerns a typical suburban couple with mysterious neighbors. A comedy. Stars Isla Fisher and Jon Hamm.

A Monster Calls is about a tree that comes to life to help a little boy cope with family problems. Stars Lewis MacDougall. Adapted from a Patrick Ness novel.

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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.