October 20, 2016: Thursday ONAIRprep

***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS – FREE TO AIR! (Need to receive this earlier than when it’s posted? Get FTP access and receive a fully-produced version FREE with a customized tag specifically for your station or show! Contact me with your ONAIRprep username for details!)

AND NOW… ON WITH THE SHOW!

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20161020

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

I’ll tell you how serious this coffee is: The receptionist is using it to remove her nail polish.

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“Beloved, I pray that you may prosper in all things, just as your soul prospers.” –3 John 2

If you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. –Matthew 6:14

Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. — Psalm 37:4

Break the arm of the wicked and evil man; call him to account for his wickedness that would not be found out. — Psalm 10:15

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

If anyone is ashamed of me and my words, the Son of Man will be ashamed of him when he comes in his glory and in the glory of the Father and of the holy angels. — Luke 9:26

Thought: Some of the saddest words a loving child ever can hear are these: “I’m so disappointed in you.” We don’t want that to be the reaction of our Heavenly Father. We want the world to know that we love and honor Jesus as Lord so they can come to know our Savior, too, and so that we can bring delight to our Father in Heaven!

Prayer: LORD God Almighty, please give me boldness, wisdom, and respect as I seek to stand up for Jesus each day. May my words and my life declare my allegiance to Jesus as my Lord and Savior. In the name of the Lord Jesus I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

Deuteronomy 10:20 NIV = Fear the LORD your God and serve him. Hold fast to him and take your oaths in his name.

TODAY IS THURSDAY – OCTOBER 20, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
67 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is NATIONAL CHANGE YOUR OIL DAY.  ***With today’s oil prices, I might try to find a way to filter my oil through a paper towel and pour it right back into the car.

Today is SHAMPOO DAY.  ***A good thing to do if it’s the oil in your HAIR that needs changing. Come to think of it, has anyone come up with a way to collect oil from your scalp to use in a car’s engine? Talk about a money-saver!

Today is BIRTH OF THE BAB, or NATIONAL BABBLING DAY. Even if no one else is in the room, go ahead and yak away. You’re not crazy — a new study shows that talking to yourself is great for your mental health. Swedish psychotherapist Per Naroskin says babbling to no one forces you to listen to yourself. As a result, you’ll develop talents you never knew existed, sleep better and work more efficiently. The solo chat is even more effective, says the author of “The Benefits Of Talking Loudly To Oneself,” if the tongue-wagger uses kooky accents and funny voices. Too shy to vocalize alone? Speak to your pet, a plant, your car or, like Tom Hanks in the movie “Castaway,” to a volleyball.

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Conflict Resolution Day

Get To Know Your Customers Day

Get Smart About Credit Day

International Credit Union Day

Miss American Rose Day

Spirit Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below.)

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 21

Celebration of the Mind Day

Global Iodine Deficiency Disorder Prevention Day

Mammography Day

National Pharmacy Buyer Day

Reptile Awareness Day

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 22

Caps Locks Day

International Stuttering Awareness Day

Make a Difference Day

National Nut Day

Pit Bull Awareness Day

Smart Is Cool Day

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 23

iPod Day

Mother-in-Law Day

National Mole Day

Swallows Depart From San Juan Capistrano Day

TV Talk Show Host Day

Xterra World Championships

MONDAY, OCTOBER 24

Food Day

Lung Health Day

World Development Information Day

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 25

Chucky, The Notorious Killer Doll Day

International Artists Day

Sourest Day

World Pasta Day

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 26

Howl At The Moon Night

Intersex Awareness Day

Mule Day

National Day of the Deployed

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 27

Cranky Co-Workers Day

Navy Day

World Day for Audiovisual Heritage

ON THIS DAY

1865: In Windsor, England, Queen Victoria issued a Royal Proclamation fixing the permanent seat of the government of Canada at Ottawa. ***I’d like to get my permanent seat fixed at home – the La-Z-Boy needs some attention.

1955: “No Time For Sergeants” starring Andy Griffith opened on Broadway.

1974: California Angel Nolan Ryan threw the fastest recorded pitch in baseball history at Anaheim Stadium. The pitch was clocked at 100.9 miles an hour.

1989: Smith Dairy at Orrville, Ohio, made history’s largest milk shake: 1,575.2 gallons.

1999: The Houston Cougars ran up 1,021 yards against Southern Methodist University. The final score was 95-21.

1993: Archaeologists digging at a Stone Age village in Sweden reportedly discovered 9,000-year-old chewing gum.

1996: After being rushed to the emergency room, 78-year-old Gennaro Florio of Hamden, Connecticut, received a new pacemaker that had been on the market only three weeks. It had been designed by his son, Joseph Florio.

1996: Evelyn Noestmo of Malvik, Norway, was cooking up a pot of moose entrails for the family dog when she noticed a gold ring in the entrails. Her gold ring. Which she lost three years earlier while helping her husband push their car out of a snow drift. Her husband had bagged the moose nine miles from where she lost the ring.

1999: Columbus, Ohio, police arrested a 33-year-old man running down the street with a damaged cash register. The thief had vandalized a nearby tavern, but had ripped off only the top of the register and run off without the money.

2003: Jim Caviezel, the actor who played Jesus in Mel Gibson’s film “The Passion of Christ,” was not injured when he struck by lightning during filming in Italy. Producer Steve McEveety said he saw lightning coming out of Caviezel’s ears.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1802: Birth of Ernst W. Hengstenberg, German O.T. scholar. An outspoken defender of evangelical Christianity against the rationalism of his day, Hengstenberg’s most significant writing was his four-volume “Christology of the Old Testament.”

1828: Birth of American lawyer Horatio Gates Spafford. In 1873, upon learning of the drowning of his four daughters following a ship collision in the Atlantic, Spafford penned the lines to the hymn, “It is Well With My Soul.”

1892: Birth of Harry Dixon Loes, sacred music educator. A writer of gospel songs and choruses, it was Loes who composed the hymn tune REDEEMER (“Up Calvary’s Mountain, One Dreadful Morn”).

1908: Birth of Stuart Hamblen, country songwriter who flourished during the 1950s. His best-remembered Christian songs include “Known Only to Him,” “Beyond the Sunset,” and “It Is No Secret.”

1957: English apologist C.S. Lewis shared his longing for heaven in a letter: ‘It’ll be nice when we all wake up from this life, which has indeed something like a nightmare about it.’

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • Actress (“7th Heaven”) Ashlee Levitch, 39 (audio clip)

  • Actor (Lord of the Rings, Hidalgo) Viggo Mortenson, 57

  • Actor (“The Waltons”) Eric Scott, 58 (audio clip)

  • Actor (Father Francis Mulcahy on “M*A*S*H”) William Christopher, 83 (audio clip)

  • Psychologist/author/actress Dr. Joyce Brothers, 87

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1937 : Wanda Jackson

1950 : Tom Petty

1951 : Al Greenwood (Foreigner)

1958 : Mark King (Level 42)

1964 : Jim Sonefeld (Hootie & The Blowfish)

1972 : Snoop Dogg

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Where did the expression “every cloud has a silver lining” originate?

This expression has been around since 1637, when it appeared as a line in one of John Milton’s poems: Was I deceiv’d, or did a sable cloud turn forth her silver lining on the night? It’s been a staple of song and verse ever since, appearing in Dickens’s Bleak House, Gilbert and Sullivan’s Mikado, and Noel Coward’s 1953 song “There Are Bad Ties Just Around the Corner.”

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving three days a week from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

Francesca Battistelli admitted that her kids were playing hooky from school on Tuesday. She posted that she and her husband gave them the day off so the entire family could spend all day together before she leaves for an entire week.

Natalie Grant says her girls may be spending to much time in New York City. She said she walked around the corner in the kitchen to find two street performers. Her daughters were playing instruments, complete with an open case and all. https://www.instagram.com/p/BLuOmv7hj-7/

Brandon Heath has a unique therapy. He uses a leaf blower to clear the leaves from their back yard.

MercyMe guitarist Mike Scheuchzer was questioning his kids’ sanity this week. He posted: sometimes you think you might have the smartest kids in the world, and sometimes you find a measuring cup filled with water and baseball cards in your freezer. Mike admitted it was actually a homeschool experiment.

If you missed the first weekend showing of the new For King and Country movie Priceless we have some good news. Members of the band were asked if it would be expanded to more Cinemas in the future. Their reply: we’re happy to say yes it will. You can see a full list of theaters at their website.

After several years in what she calls a self-imposed Exile, Mandisa announced this week that she’s working on a new album. She says she hopes to meet soon with her label and nail down a release date.

TobyMac was roasting pumpkin seeds this week. He posted: better than a spiced latte.

Matthew West was a writer on two Dove Awards nominated songs this year. He co-wrote Danny Gokey’s “Tell Your Heart To Beat Again” & Casting Crowns “Just Be Held.”

Jimmy Needham says they are a step closer to bringing their son home. The artist shared a picture of Benjamin Ezekiel Needham and added: Now we prep to bring him home from India. Please pray we can get him soon. https://twitter.com/i/web/status/788060525112414208

Mandisa opened up this week after watching the movie Priceless. The well known Christian artist posted: I’ve been so insecure about the fact that, after losing over 100lbs in 2011, I gained all of it back (and then some). I’m sure that many of you noticed that I kind of went into hiding for a bit between 2013 and now. That may be part of why Priceless touched such a deep place inside of me. We are more than our weight, marital status, hairstyle, and past mistakes (1 Peter 3:3-4). Let’s change the conversation. Mandisa said that she is finally starting to believe that she is Priceless.

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. As on ONAIRprep subscriber, you can get a fully-produced, customized version of the Daily Dose of Weird News FREE with a station or show specific tag! Email darren@onairprep.com for details!)

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

Hate to break it to you, caffeine junkies: Coffee might feel like the Elixir of Life when you’re sleep-deprived, but research says that eventually the magic fades, and you really should just hit the sack. A study presented at the 2016 meeting of the Associated Professional Sleep Societies held in Denver found that after just three nights of bad sleep, caffeine stopped boosting alertness, performance and mood. The findings further underscore that “sleep debt is real,” says Tracy Doty, the research scientist at Walter Reed Army Institute of Research who led the study. “Every night you’re not sleeping, you’re building up increased sleep debt, and the same amount of caffeine is no longer effective.” ***I guess that RedBull mouthwash was a waste of money then.

Another study found the more education you receive in life, the larger your signature.  *** Signatures of Green Party voters require a magnifying glass.

A report says iPhone 7 users are hearing a “hissing” noise coming from the devices.  ***Not to worry, it’s just the demon you signed your life over to when you agreed to the service contract.

However appropriate the metaphor may be, the circus would like you to stop calling the 2016 election a circus. No kidding! This week Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey launched a new campaign titled “The Circus Wants The Circus Back.” The goal: to get rid of the negative association the presidential election has brought to the words “circus” and “clowns.” Ringmaster Johnathan Lee Iverson said in a press release: “Everyone from the media to the public to politicians to even President Barack Obama himself have repeatedly called the 2016 Presidential Election a circus or referred to the candidates as clowns. These comparisons need to stop! We want to #TakeBackTheCircus to where it belongs, to the real circus, the Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus.” ***Sorry guys, but I have to disagree… the Greatest Show On Earth right now is this circus of an election.  You never know what’s going to come out of these clowns’ mouths on a daily basis!

A guy in the U.K. called police to report his ex-girlfriend is holding his hamster hostage and overfeeding it.  ***Uh, yeah… no problem.  We’ll send Danger Mouse right over.

Target has removed clown masks from their Halloween items, because of the recent rash of scary clown sightings.  ***So you’ll have to get your Trump and Clinton costumes somewhere else.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

When men complain of the symptoms of pregnancy, it is often called “phantom pregnancy”. But there may be more to it than we think. As many as 65 percent of expectant fathers report experiencing at least one “symptom” of pregnancy, studies show; more than 20 percent of expectant dads actually sought medical care because of it.  ***The worst part is when Dad’s water breaks.

Apparently Daylight Saving Time is not only not working, it may be backfiring on us.  Turning the clocks forward for Spring was supposed to save us energy; instead, the extra sunshine encourages drivers to get out and use more fuel. Also, the change requires people to get up when it is still dark and turn on the lights.  ***It might’ve worked if we’d used dim bulbs – like the ones in Congress.

Is your computer affecting your relationship? According to a survey (by crucial.com) two out of every five U.S. Adults who reported having a computer also reported having computer-related issues in their relationship. The biggest computer-related complaint in their relationship was that their partner was spending too much time ‘plugged in’.  ***Tell me about it.  My wife and I had a huge, knock-down, drag-out argument over this very issue the other night when we were texting each other.

According to the Pew Research Center, nearly 80 percent of American don’t trust big government.  *** And it cost how much to determine what we already knew…?

WONDER WOMAN (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Only a Game”

DAILY COMEDY CLIP (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Gordon Douglas, “Philly”

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THURSDAY’S EPISODE


OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!

Last time, Gruffy Bear cancelled his checkers game with Sully so he could help out a friend’s bowling team who was short one player. Gruffy was doing well, in fact, he was doing very well! Finally it came down to the last ball, and it was all up to Gruffy… he had to get a strike or the team would lose the tournament!

CLOSE: That was great bowling by Gruffy – but now he has a dilemma. He already promised Sully that he’d play checkers tomorrow night. He’s already cancelled twice – and now he has decide whether or not to break his promise to Sully… again! What will he do? We’ll find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF OCTOBER 22/23

OPEN: When last we left the jungle, all of the animals were frantically trying to sell all of their possessions so they could run away from the jungle to escape a giant-footed creature that nobody has really even seen yet – just footprints. And the sales were so great, that everyone bought everyone else’s stuff, so now all of the animals have just as much stuff as they started with! Except one animal… who’s still working on his sign!

CLOSE: I’m sure Millard is just kidding about that. That is one smart skunk! Tune in again next time for more of our story, as FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

A woman dies, but no one realizes it for five years!

I think we would all agree that funerals are a real bummer. The passing of a loved one can have devastating effects on you for weeks, months, or even years to come in some cases. But here’s the case of a Kentucky man. He was so upset about having to arrange the funeral for his mother that had passed away that he simply decided not to… and left his mother in a chair, dead, for more than 5 years! Wondering why they hadn’t heard from her in years, relatives finally phoned police who stopped by her house and found her bones sitting in a chair covered in bedding. ***MARLAR: Wouldn’t you expect something to be wrong once Mom didn’t show up at that first Christmas?!? What kind of family doesn’t miss anyone for five years straight? Birthdays, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter… and no one noticed she was gone?  For FIVE YEARS?!??! It really makes you appreciate your own family a bit more, doesn’t it?

TOP TEN

TOP TEN NEW YORK CITY DRIVING RULES

10.) Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Long Island driver never uses them. Use of them in Massapequa may be illegal.

9.) Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

8.) Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered “going with the flow.”

7.) The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.

6.) Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork.

5.) Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it’s a chance to stretch your legs.

4.) Electronic traffic warning signs are not there to provide useful information. They are only there to make Long Island look high-tech, and to distract you from seeing the state police radar car parked on the median.

3.) Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right.

2.) Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions, and are apparently not enforceable during rush hour.

1.) Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident, or even if someone is just changing a tire.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

A 15-month-old toddler calls 911 and gets his father arrested!

FILE #1: A Florida man’s 15-month old son just happened to, by coincidence and accident, dial 911. The boy then went off and did what toddlers do best. He began crying. Dispatchers, fearing the worst, sent the police who kicked in the door, and discovered the boy’s father who was wanted on an outstanding warrant.

FILE #2: 39 year old Gustavo Rivera recently slid into the ventilator shaft of a restaurant in Miami with the idea of stealing a few dollars. Unfortunately for Rivera he got stuck in the grease-filled shaft, arms above his head, legs dangling down between grates, feet hanging over the grill for 8 hours. At 7 o’clock the next morning, a passerby heard him screaming and called 911. It was then that Fire Rescue arrived and got him out of the shaft. And when police arrived, they arrested him.

FILE #3: A New York man is alleged to have tried to open an account at a bank, four days after robbing that very same bank. Police claim Jack Schreiner is the same man who held up the Queens branch of Chase Manhattan. Staff telephoned police saying they recognized him when he came in four days later. He has been charged with robbery.

STRANGE LAW: Salt Lake City, Utah has a law against carrying an unwrapped ukulele on the street.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

Baking a cake to say thanks to your real estate agent is a good idea… unless you do it with a brain on drugs.

West Hartford police said they charged a 51-year-old woman with assault, reckless endangerment and tampering with evidence after she allegedly served a marijuana-tainted ginger cake to her real estate agent. Authorities said the 28-year-old man called 911 shortly after leaving her home, saying he felt sick. He was treated at a local hospital and released.  Medics initially thought he was allergic to the ginger cake. But police said they later determined the woman told someone else she had laced it with marijuana.  Police have ordered tests on the dessert.

PHONER PHUN

A recent survey conducted by NDS, a DVR manufacturer, has shown that digital video recorders (DVR’s) are becoming a significant part of U.S. households, being cited just behind mobile phones as the most essential, can’t-live-without household technology item. Only microwaves and washing machines beat it out in the non-technological category. PHONER: What is your can’t-live-without household technology item?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Who died at Mt. Hor?

ANSWER: Aaron (Numbers 20:27-28)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: What does the “S.O.S.” in the S.O.S. pot scrubbing pads stand for?

ANSWER: “Save Our Saucepans.” (Ed Cox from San Francisco invented the pot scrubbing S.O.S. pads in 1917. His wife came up with the name, which stands for “Save Our Saucepans.”)

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. More people are allergic to peanuts than any other food. (False – there are more people allergic to cow’s milk)

2. The largest organization devoted to Sherlock Holmes is not in England, but in Mexico. (False – the largest group is the Japan Sherlock Holmes club with over 1,200 members. There are over 375 organizations around the world devoted to Sherlock Holmes.)

3. Metal coins were introduced in Greece to replace furs as the medium of exchange. (False – in 625 B.C., metal coins were introduced in Greece and replaced grain — usually barley — as the medium of exchange. Stamped with a likeness of an ear of wheat, the new coins were lighter and easier to transport than grain, and did not get moldy.)

4. Some foggy conditions can last for several weeks. (True. Fogs over the seas on the Grand Banks, Newfoundland, Canada, can last for weeks on end. These are the longest-enduring fogs recorded in the world.)

5. Stone soup is a real thing. (True – on the Italian Riviera in Viareggio, there is a culinary tradition that a good soup must always contain one stone from the sea. This stems from the days when an Italian fisherman’s catch was scooped up in nets; fish and stones frequently ended up together in the same cooking pot.)

6. Italy is smaller than the state of Rhode Island. (False – but Italy is smaller than the state of Montana: 116,304 square miles and 147,138 square miles, respectively).

7. Cattle branding in the United States originated in Oregon. (False – it did not originate in the West at all. It began in Connecticut in the mid-19th century, when farmers were required by law to mark all their pigs.)

8. There is such a thing as real live pink elephants. (True. In regions of India where the soil is red, elephants take on a permanent pink tinge because they regularly spray dust over their bodies to protect themselves against insects.)

9. The Wright Brothers were inspired by watching buzzards. (True – the Wright Brothers spent time observing the flight of the buzzard to help them solve the mystery of flight. They realized that the bird retained balance in the air by twisting the tips of it’s wings. By creating a wing warping method based upon this observation, the brothers were able to obtain a remarkable degree of maneuverability.) ***DUANE MATZ: To this day airline luggage is known as carrion.

10. If a llama blows on you it is just saying hello. (True – llamas are reported to be inquisitive, friendly animals. A llama greeting is marked by softly blowing on each other. According to animal experts, a soft blow to a person is the llama’s way of saying hello.)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

______ FALL FROM NEW JERSEY SKY (BLACKBIRDS)

Residents in a Cumberland County, NJ were left wondering Tuesday  what caused thousands of birds to drop dead from the sky.

At  least 8,000 birds — mostly red-winged blackbirds — on the ground dead having fallen from trees and the sky.

“Crazy — something out of a horror movie,” said resident Denise Fennelli who saw the birds fall from the sky.

The birds caused a bloody mess on roadways, businesses and residential neighborhoods.

“They’d get up and attempt to fl, but they were out of control so they’d crash and fall again,” said resident Justin Winters. ”It was just strange.  It was like the end of the world or something.”

Commission ornithologist Julie Zeireski said the he birds showed physical trauma,  but had several alien burn markings on their wings.   “I’ve examined thousands of blackbirds in my basement and have never seen anything like this before.”  She first speculated that the flock could have been hit by lightning or high-altitude hail.  She was wrong.

US Extraterrestrial Expert, General Jim Bellanca of the U.S. Marines, told WWN that the government has confirmed thousands of reports of a UFO in the area, prior to the bird droppings.  “For some reason the UFO decided to open fire on the blackbirds.  We’re not sure what caused them to attack, but it does have us very concerned.”

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Not a soul was in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets.  The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him.  The dog looked up and said, “Don’t be surprised. This is just part of my job.”

“Incredible!” exclaimed the salesman. “I can’t believe it!  Does your boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!”

“No, and please don’t tell him,” answered the dog. “If that man finds out I can talk, he’ll have me answering the phone too!”

JOKE #2

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, “I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.”

The second responds, “Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.”

The third surgeon says, “No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.”

The fourth surgeon chimes in: “You know, I like construction workers… those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.”

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: “You’re all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There’s no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and bottom are interchangeable.”

JOKE #3

A friend asked a gentleman how it is that he never married?

Replied the gentleman, “Well, I guess I just never met the right woman … I guess  I’ve been looking for the perfect girl.”

“Oh, come on now,” said the friend, “Surely you have met at least one girl that you wanted to marry.”

“Yes, there was a girl… once. I guess she was the one perfect girl; the only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything… I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me.”

“Well, why didn’t you marry her,” asked the friend.

“She was looking for the perfect man.”

USELESS FACTS

Snails produce a colorless, sticky discharge that forms a protective carpet under them as they travel along. The discharge is so effective that snails can crawl along the edge of a razor without cutting themselves.  ***And they supply their own shaving gel!

Time has a way of passing some people by. Anthropologists say there are at least 21-thousand towns and villages around the world where folks live exactly as they did 100 years ago.  ***How cool is that?  I had no idea cable TV had been around that long!

Kissing helps to reduce negative energy and lower the amount of stress hormones in the body.  ***Assuming you’re doing the kissing.  No guarantees this will be the same for the random stranger you try this on.

FEATURED FUNNIES

A SPEECH PACKING A PUNCH
The CEO of a large telecommunications company was scheduled to give the keynote address at an important convention so he asked one of his top employees to write a punchy, 20-minute speech for him.  When the CEO returned from the big event, he was furious. “What’s the idea of writing me an hour long speech?!” he demanded. “Half the audience walked out before I was finished.”
The employee was baffled. “I wrote you a 20 minute speech,” he replied. “I also gave you the two extra copies you asked for.”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

Ever wonder if the person on the other end of the phone is truly listening to what you’re saying?  A new invention will solve that problem for you!

If you’ve ever wondered if that person you’re talking to on the phone is really paying attention, you may soon be able to find out thanks to the “Jerk-O-Meter.” Researchers at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology are developing software for cell phones that would analyze speech patterns and voice tones to rate people – on a scale of 0 to 100 percent according to how engaged they are in a conversation.  They say that the Jerk-O-Meter could assist telephone sales and marketing efforts and could help prevent arguments in relationships by forcing couples to be more attentive to one another.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

“Remember this—a farmer who plants only a few seeds will get a small crop. But the one who plants generously will get a generous crop”. 2 Corinthians 9:6…The power of sacrificial giving is revealed in 2 Corinthians 9:6-11. First, God will measure back to you with the same measuring device you use when giving to Him (v. 6). Second, God is looking for a heart attitude that is free, spontaneous, and cheerful in giving (v. 7). Third, God has the power to resupply your resources to such a point that you will always have enough to give to any worthy project (v. 8). Fourth, God will remember for eternity what you scatter abroad (v. 9). Fifth, if you have a sower’s heart and are faithful, God will give you more and more seed to plant (v. 10). Finally, God will prosper you financially so you can become a resource for building His kingdom in the earth (v. 11). How many people fail to start down God’s road of blessing because they sow sparingly? Step through the gate of hilarious, generous, spontaneous giving and watch God supply you with more seed to sow than you ever dreamed possible. He is looking for channels through which He can bless the world!

–Larry Stockstill

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

GOT THIRST?

There is none upon earth that I desire besides You. —Psalm 73:25

Health experts tell us we should drink at least 64 ounces of water each day. It may reduce the risk of heart attack, give our skin a healthy glow, and help us lose weight. We should drink even more water during exercise or if we live in a hot or dry climate. Even if we’re not thirsty, we ought to drink water anyway.

Our thirst for God is even more beneficial. When we’re spiritually dry, we long to hear from Him through His Word, and we search for even a drop of knowledge about Him. When we’re exercising our faith in a new way, we want to be close to Him and receive His strength. Our thirst for God may increase when we see the sinfulness of people around us or when we gain a new awareness of our own sin and need for Him.

Spiritual thirst is a metaphor used throughout Scripture. Asaph thirsted for answers in his questioning psalm. When he saw the wicked prospering, he cried out to God to understand why (Psalm 73:16). He found the Lord to be his strength and realized that he desired nothing but Him (vv.25-26).

If we’re spiritually thirsty, we can follow Asaph’s example and draw near to God (v.28). He will satisfy us, yet give us a deeper thirst for Himself. We’ll learn to desire Him above all else. —Anne Cetas

O sinner, won’t you come today to Calvary?
A fountain there is flowing deep and wide;
The Savior now invites you to the water free,
Where thirsting spirits can be satisfied. —Peterson
© Renewal 1978, Singspiration, Inc.

A thirst for God can be satisfied only by Christ, the Living Water.

LEFTOVERS

SORE LOSER

A teenager is suing her softball coach because he didn’t pay enough attention to her!

A teenager in Pennsylvania is suing her volunteer softball coach and the volunteer-run softball organization for $700,000 claiming that they incorrectly taught her how to play softball and demoralized her. She claims that her coach liked other players more and now her chances for an athletic scholarship are ruined forever. The organization named in the lawsuit has said that they think that the lawsuit is ridiculous and will do nothing but hurt a lot of innocent people who volunteer their time to try and help kids. ***MARLAR: The teenager says justice will not be done until she is taught to play softball correctly – that way she’ll be able to have the quarterback throw the softball across the plate so she can hit a touchdown and win the big game by knocking down all ten pins.

LIFE… LIVE IT

COSTUME IDEAS

Tis the season for costume parties. Even people not celebrating Halloween like to have costume parties at this time of the year, and if you’re office or school is having a party – you certainly don’t want to feel left out simply because you refuse to wear something evil or scary. Got some great family-friendly costume ideas for school or the office? Call in with your ideas! Here are a few ideas to get you started!

  • A Day Off – Assuming the party is on October 31st, use black lettering, write “October 30th” or “November 1st” on a blank shirt. When people ask what you are, say, “A day off!”

  • Running Late — Show up to the office with messy hair and disheveled clothes with your pajamas showing underneath.

  • Office Gossip — Make up fun stories about your co-workers. Fasten the stories to yourself and put the name of your favorite grocery store tabloid on a hat. Hang around the water cooler and invite people to read the latest news.

  • Pink Slip — No one ever wants to be served the dreaded pink slip at work. Wear a pink slip over your work clothes and chase your co-workers.

  • Post-it Note — Wear all yellow. If you’re doing a “trick or treat” kind of thing, pass out real Post-it notes.

  • Red Tape — Buy red tape and tape it all over your clothes and your cubicle or desk. When people ask what you are, make them cut through some red tape to get the answer.

  • Leftover — Wrap yourself in aluminum foil and give yourself an aluminum swan hat. Place a sign on your chest that says, “Anything left after 4pm on Friday will be thrown away!

  • Vending Machine — Dress in black and fasten snacks to yourself with the cost of each item displayed. If you want be really mean, place an “out of order” sign on the real vending machine and have it instruct your co-workers to come to you for their snacks – and make them pay. When they pay, make sure you throw their snacks on the ground as the vending machine does.

JUST FOR FUN

MAXIMUM WITHDRAWAL

Need a little extra money? Try using an ATM in Scotland!

ATM Machines. They are the BANE of society.  They cost money to use; they’re way too easy to get to, but I use them anyway. It’s because of ATMs that my bank account is as low as it is. I only wish one thing – that I lived in Edinburgh, Scotland. The ATMs there are much nicer to you. Recently bank customers in Scotland had their money doubled when a cash machine went on the blink. Dozens of people received twice the amount requested from the ATM. Bank customers found out about the unusually generous cash machine, and stood in line waiting for the bonus cash – some drawing the limit knowing they’d get twice as much. A bank spokesman said they are unsure how much money would be recovered. Sadly, for bank patrons, the ATM machine has been fixed.

FUN LIST

HOW MANY DOGS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?

  • Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

  • Border Collie: Just one. And then I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.

  • Dachshund: You know I can’t reach that stupid lamp!

  • Rottweiler: Yeah, go on and make me.

  • Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

  • Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!

  • German Shepherd: I’ll change it as soon as I’ve led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven’t missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.

  • Jack Russell Terrier: I’ll just pop it in while I’m bouncing off the walls and furniture.

  • Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I’m sorry, but I don’t see a light bulb!

  • Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

  • Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Or “We don’t need no stinking light bulb.”

  • Greyhound: It isn’t moving. Who cares?

  • Australian Shepherd: First, I’ll put all the light bulbs in a little circle…

  • Poodle: I’ll just blow in the Border Collie’s ear and he’ll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

HOW MANY CATS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?

  • Cats do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is, “How long will it be before I can expect some dinner, and a massage before my nap?”

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

NO PLACE LIKE HOME

The German post office has a nice tradition of sending “good luck” cards to people who move into new homes. The cards are automatically sent out as a customer relations tactic to welcome Germans to their new address. One man in Lueneburg didn’t find his new home so pleasant. The card read: “The post office wishes you a good move. You’ve made it – and now you have earned a rest so you can get used to your new surroundings.” The man who received the card was “moving” from his old home to prison. ***MARLAR: It could’ve been worse – his new address could’ve been a cemetery!

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

A high school volleyball player is being praised for an unforgettable performance, but it’s not her athletic skills that have everyone talking — it’s her voice. When a technical problem delayed the playing of the national anthem before a recent match at Holmes High School in San Antonio, Texas, one player jumped to action and offered to sing instead. Marina Garcia’s rendition of the song, captured on video by one of the coaches, has since gone viral. Check out her impromptu performance at http://on.today.com/2d9Vcrb

A Florida homeowner is taking landscaping to a whole new level. According to NPR, Chris Castro’s obsession is turning the perfectly manicured lawns in his Orlando neighborhood into mini-farms. He’s asking Floridians to hand over a good chunk of their precious yards to volunteers who plant gardens full of produce and then sell it at a local farmers market. His program is called Fleet Farming, and it’s starting off small, with 10 of these yard farms. However, there are already 300 yards on the waiting list.

http://www.npr.org/sections/thesalt/2016/05/15/477036910/an-all-volunteer-squad-of-farmers-is-turning-florida-lawns-into-food

Jonathan Quiñonez has found a fun to keeping in contact with his mother while he toured the world. He created a photo series to let her know that he was doing just fine – in fact, that’s what the words said in every photo he took: “Mom, I’m Fine”.  He had a “Mom, I’m Fine” sign for scuba diving, hiking, surfing, skydiving, and more. But Jonathan’s 62-year-old mother isn’t the only one who fell in love with the photos – Jonathan now has 178,000 Instagram followers keeping up with his adventures.  http://www.goodnewsnetwork.org/young-traveler-uses-hilarious-photos-reassure-mom-look/

Many of us have been moved by the refugee crisis but few have taken action on the scale of a Christian couple in the north of England. After the passing of the Immigration Act in the UK earlier this year stating that unaccompanied asylum-seeking children no longer have to be looked after by the local authorities, the couple opened their home not only to receive some children, but to become an assessment center for many unaccompanied children. This means that rather than going into an impersonal institution, the first experience these refugee children have of the UK is a warm, loving, family environment.  http://bit.ly/2d9E9Wj

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

You know you’re in a really cheap motel when the Gideon Bibles have a chain attached to them.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

OCTOBER 14, 2016…

Mascots—This is a movie with Christopher Guest  (remember “Best In Show”) who helps mascots from sports team compete in their own contest about performance and costume. Let your mind go wild here. How about the Gold Fluffy as the name of a trophy  The cast includes Jane Lynch, Ed Begley, Jr., Zach Woods and Sarah Baker. “Mascots” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans of “sports” competitions.

The Accountant—Autism and dealing with it is part of the topic in this movie about a gifted man with numbers (Ben Affleck) works with criminals and also with good guys. He can find where the money is going and who is taking a share.  However…where is justice?  Hmm. Also in the cast are Anna Kendrick and J. K Simmons. “The Accountant” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans of numbers.

Kevin Hart: What Now?—Comic Kevin Hart has a new concert film out for fans which was filmed in Philadelphia. “Kevin Hart: What Now?” is not rated.

Desierto—Jeffrey Dean Morgan (“The Good Wife”) now takes on an action role in this thriller of problems along the U.S.-Mexico border. Also in the cast is Gael Garcia Bernal. “Desierto” is rated R. No rating.

Tower—This documentary is about the shootings on the University of Texas campus, August 1, 1996. The campus was shut down for over 90 minutes and in the end, 16 people were dead. This Keith Maitland directed film, has interviews with people from that time period.  “Tower” has no rating but could be PG 13 for themed material. No rating.

OCTOBER 21, 2016…

Jack Reacher: Never Go Back has Tom Cruise back in action. No more need be said.

In A Valley Of Violence concerns two men with a grudge going for a fight. Stars Ethan Hawke.

Moonlight is about a young African American man who tries to discover what he wants in life.

Ouija: Origin Of Evil begins the horror films before Halloween.

Tyler Perry’s Boo! A Madea Halloween says it all in the title. For Tyler Perry fans.

American Pastoral stars Ewan McGregor (both director and star) in an adaptation of Philip Roth’s novel of dealing with a family crisis in the 1960’s.

Keeping Up With The Joneses concerns a typical suburban couple with mysterious neighbors. A comedy. Stars Isla Fisher and Jon Hamm.

A Monster Calls is about a tree that comes to life to help a little boy cope with family problems. Stars Lewis MacDougall. Adapted from a Patrick Ness novel.

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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.