October 21, 2017: Saturday ONAIRprep

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Ladies and gentlemen, please stand by for either (THE JOCK SHOW), or a test of the emergency broadcast system. We’re checking now to see which had the highest ratings last week.

Welcome to (THE JOCK SHOW): Contents Under Pressure–Do Not Shake.

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“But I say to you that for every idle word men may speak, they will give account of it in the Day of Judgment.” –Matthew 12:36

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. –Matthew 11:28

Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me. — Psalm 51:12

In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus. — Romans 6:11

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize. — 1 Corinthians 9:27

Thought: “Practice what you preach!” “I’d rather see a sermon than hear one any day.” “Put your life where your mouth is!” Those of us who speak out most openly about our faith in Jesus also need to make sure that we hold ourselves accountable to the same standard we are calling others to follow.

Prayer: Father in Heaven, please help my walk to be consistent with my talk and may my talk always be pleasing to you! In Jesus’ glorious name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

Deuteronomy 10:21 NIV = He is your praise; he is your God, who performed for you those great and awesome wonders you saw with your own eyes.

TODAY IS SATURDAY – OCTOBER 21, 2017

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
66 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is HUMBLE YOURSELF BY HAVING YOUR PICTURE TAKEN WEARING A BICYCLE HELMET DAY. ***Yep, that’d do it.

Today is NATIONAL PUMPKIN CHEESECAKE DAY. ***If that’s the reward for wearing the bicycle helmet, I’m in.

Today is TAKE TIME TO STOP AND WATCH THE SUNSET DAY. ***Which makes tomorrow “Get Someone To Drive You To The Emergency Room Because You’ve Gone Blind Staring At The Sun Day.

TODAY IS ALSO…

Birth of the Bab
Bridge Day
Celebration of The Mind Day
Global Iodine Deficiency Disorder (IDD) Prevention Day
Reptile Awareness Day
Sweetest Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 22

Caps Locks Day
International Stuttering Awareness Day
Kof Awareness Day
Mother-in-Law Day
National Nut Day
Smart is Cool Day
Xterra World Championships

MONDAY, OCTOBER 23

IPod Day
Lung Health Day
National Mole Day
Swallows Depart from San Juan Capistrano Day
TV Talk Show Host Day (always on Johnny Carson’s birthday)

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 24

Food Day
United Nations Day
World Development Information Day

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 25

Chucky, The Notorious Killer Doll Day
International Artists Day
Sourest Day
Unity Day
World Pasta Day

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 26

Howl at The Moon Night
Mule Day (Historical, not celebration. Honors the importation of the first Spanish Jacks to the US which were a gift from King Charles III of Spain delivered October 26, 1785 in Boston.George Washington then began breeding them in the US. For the celebration, go to March 31 or Columbia, TN )
National Day of The Deployed

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 27

Black Cat Day
Cranky Co-workers Day
Frankenstein Friday
International Bandanna Day
National Breadstix (Bread Sticks) Day
Navy Day
World Day for Audiovisual Heritage

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 28

Champagne Day
Make A Difference Day
National Chocolate Day
Pit Bull Awareness Day
St. Jude’s Day

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 29

Internet Day
National Cat Day
Reformation Sunday
Visit A Cemetery Day
World Psoriasis Day

MONDAY, OCTOBER 30

Checklist Day
Create A Great Funeral Day
Devil’s Night or Mischief Night
Haunted Refrigerator Night
National Candy Corn Day
National Publicist Day
Speak Up For Service Day
World Audio Drama Day

ON THIS DAY

1879: Thomas Edison demonstrated the first practical incandescent electric lamp. It burned out after 14 hours. ***How practical is a fourteen hour light bulb?

1918: Margaret Owen of New York City set a typing speed record of 170 words a minute. ***It would’ve been less though if they’d cut off time for spelling errors, punctuation problems, grammatical mistakes, words that don’t exist…

1960: Democrat John Kennedy and Republican Richard Nixon clashed in their fourth and final presidential debate.

1985: William “The Refrigerator” Perry, a 325-pound offensive lineman, ran for a touchdown as the Chicago Bears beat Green Bay 23-7. Perry soon became a national folk hero.

1991: Captain Kangaroo was inducted into the Admiralty of the Great Navy of the State of Nebraska, making him Admiral Kangaroo.

1998: A 34-year-old spectator got two days in jail for playing with a yo-yo in an Oklahoma City courtroom. The man said he was trying to quit smoking and yo-yoing helped him relax, but the judge wasn’t impressed. ***He’s now trying to kick the yo-yo habit and finds it relaxing to play Tiddlywinks.

1998: The New York Yankees set a major league baseball record of 125 victories for the regular and postseason combined.

2003: A concert by the heavy metal rock group POD (Payable on Death) in Siegen, Germany, had to be cancelled after the sound check made the ceiling collapse. The audience had not arrived and no one was injured. ***Talk about “bringing down the house!” Maybe they should “raise the roof.”

2004: An Associated Press poll found President Bush and Senator John Kerry locked in a tie for the popular vote for the presidency.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1532: German reformer Martin Luther declared: ‘For some years now I have read through the Bible twice every year. If you picture the Bible to be a mighty tree and every word a little branch, I have shaken every one of these branches because I wanted to know what it was and what it meant.’

1692: William Penn was deposed as Governor of Pennsylvania. His overtures of gratefulness to James II for permitting religious freedom for dissenters of the Church of England led William and Mary to charge Penn with being a papist.

1751: The first Baptist association in the American South was organized at Charleston, SC. It was formed under the initiative of Oliver Hart, who had left the Philadelphia area to become pastor of the Charleston Baptist Church in 1749.

1808: Birth of American Baptist clergyman Samuel Francis Smith. Credited with writing over 100 hymns, Smith is best remembered as the author of “America” (“My Country, ‘Tis of Thee”), written at age 23, while a student at Andover Seminary.

1892: Birth of James L Kelso, American Presbyterian archaeologist. He participated in digs at the biblical sites of Debir, Bethel and Jericho, and authored the text “Ceramic Vocabulary of the O.T.”

BIRTHDAY RAP-UP

  • actor (Will Malloy on “Reunion”, JJ Pryor on “American Dreams”) Will Estes 39
  • actor (Ben Seaver on “Growing Pains”) Jeremy Miller 41 (audio clip)
  • actress/author (Princess Leia in Star Wars) Carrie Fisher 61
  • TV’s Judge Judy Sheindlin 75

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1917 : Dizzy Gillespie

1937 : Norman Wright (Dell-Vikings)

1940 : Jimmy Beaumont (The Skyliners)

1940 : Manfred Mann

1941 : Steve Cropper (Booker T & The MGs)

1942 : Elvin Bishop

1943 : Ron Elliott (Beau Brummels)

1945 : Kathy Young (Kathy Young and the Innocents)

1946 : Lee Loughnane (Chicago)

1947 : Tetsu Yamauchi (The Faces, Free)

1947 : “Rabbit” Bundrick (Free)

1952 : Brent Mydland (Grateful Dead)

1953 : Charlotte Caffey (The Go-Go’s)

1955 : Eric Faulkner (The Bay City Rollers)

1957 : Steve Lukather (Toto)

1957 : Julian Cope

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

How did Salisbury steak get its name?

It was named after a 19th-century English physician, Dr. J. H. Salisbury, who recommended that his patients eat plenty of beef for all manner of ailments. It is essentially a ground-beef patty that has been flavored with minced onion and seasonings before being fried or broiled. Salisbury steak is often served with gravy made from pan drippings.

NEWS KICKERS

(None on weekends. Want a customizable version with your specific station tag, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, Nozzles the Elephant and Gruffy Bear went to the library, and Gruffy ran across a map of the jungle and discovered that his property line was larger than he though – and his property actually crossed over the main path through the jungle. Nozzles sarcastically suggested that he build a toll booth…

CLOSE: Wow, sounds like this toll booth idea is working out pretty well – for Gruffy, at least. But how long will it be before the rest of the jungle animals find a different route – or run out of money? More of the story next time, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

The great sport of Cow Fighting! What? You’ve never heard of it?

Cow Fighting. Don’t be surprised if it doesn’t sound familiar to you… it’s not really reached Olympic status. Each October in the tiny town of Martigny, the Swiss stage cow fights, pitting pregnant female cows against one another. This comes in spite of the fact that the cows have no natural desire whatsoever to fight other cows… and they can’t even be forced into fighting each other. Most of the time, the cows just stand there and moo. Here’s an even stranger fact about Cow Fighting… the winning cow (how that is determined no one really knows) is given the name “Queen of the Alps” and instantly becomes ten times more valuable than the losing cow. Even though both of them did nothing but stand there and moo.

TOP TEN
TOP TEN IRONIES

10. Needing to pay someone to help you pay your taxes.

9. That even the fanciest restaurants suffer from pest-control problems.

8. That we judge balding men by the choices they make in coping with their baldness.

7. That all good things come to an end, but some mediocre things seem to last a very long time.

6. Cults that build up huge arsenals, refuse to pay taxes, and complain that the FBI is watching over them.

5. People who refuse to see a psychologist because they don’t need to pay someone to help them out with their issues, but will gladly spend $100 a week at a tanning salon.

4. Paying a toll to cross a bridge when you know you’re going in the wrong direction.

3. That the most intense laughter you have usually comes at the least appropriate time.

2. That finding your roach traps empty only adds to your fear that they don’t work, instead of reassuring you that you don’t have roaches anymore.

1. Online pop-ups offering to help you get rid of online pop-ups advertisements.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Today’s files of Law & Disorder follow the actions of an attempted bank robbery – and the robber was 70-years-old!

FILE #1: When employees at the Foothills Bank in Wheat Ridge, Colorado saw an elderly man at the door with a cane and a surgical mask on, they went to help him. Police say 70-year-old George Chatfield then pulled a gun and tried to rob them. The vice president of the bank grabbed Chatfield’s hand and knocked the gun loose — and then sat on him until police arrived. When the cops arrived on the scene, they looked at the frail man and thought there was some confusion. Chatfield lives in an assisted living facility, and is in poor health.

FILE #2: A judge in Louisville, Ky., declared a mistrial in a murder case after discovering the defendant was convicted on the toss of a coin. The Louisville Courier-Journal reports a jury in Jefferson County Circuit Court deliberated for nine hours over two days before deciding to toss a coin when it was unable to agree on a verdict.  The defendant, Philip Givens, was thus convicted by the jury for the shooting death of his girlfriend. The jury was back in court a few days later, but by then, the judge had heard about the coin toss. The jury foreman confirmed the verdict was decided by flipping a silver dollar, and a mistrial was declared.  According to Philip’s attorney: “It kind of blows your mind. I think they had a lapse in judgment, and I’d like to think it doesn’t go on very often.”

FILE #3: A burglar needing money to pay his income taxes decided to burgle the safe in a store. On the safe door he was very pleased to find a note reading, “Please don’t use dynamite. The safe is not locked. Just turn the knob.” He did so. Instantly a heavy sandbag fell on him, the entire premises were floodlighted, and alarms started clanging. As the police carried him out on a stretcher, he was heard moaning, “My confidence in human nature has been rudely shaken.”

STRANGE LAW: In Oregon one may not bathe without wearing “suitable clothing,” i.e., that which covers one’s body from neck to knee.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.

Illegal drugs may have a street value… but that doesn’t mean you can purchase gasoline with them.

Frederick County sheriff’s deputies have arrested a man after he allegedly offered store clerks marijuana to pay for gasoline. It happened at the Classic Fuels Store on Old National Pike in New Market, Maryland. Deputies said a 52-year-old man offered marijuana to pay for gasoline, and a clerk in the store called authorities. The man and his motorcycle were searched, and deputies said they found suspected cocaine, Oxycodone pills and suspected marijuana. The man was charged with possession of cocaine, marijuana and drug paraphernalia.

PHONER PHUN

Ever wanted to go skydiving? Mountain climbing? Hang gliding? Standup comedy? What have you always wanted to do that your friends and family think you’re crazy for even considering?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Name the two men who entertained angels unaware.

ANSWER: Abraham and Lot (Genesis 18)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: How many times a minute does the average adult elephant’s heart beat?
ANSWER: Twenty-five. (In man, the average adult heartbeat is 70 to 80 times per minute.)

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. A million tons of meteor dust falls to Earth every day. (False – it’s a thousand tons. Still, that’s a lot!)

2. Chocolate was discovered in southern Mexico. (False – it was discovered in the West Indies. It was introduced into the United States in 1765 when cocoa beans were brought from there to Dorchester, Massachusetts.)

3. Skydivers can fall as fast as 200 miles per hour. (False – their terminal velocity is 120 mph. That’s the fastest speed you can fall on Earth due to the density of the air.)

4. In 1776, making $4,000 a year was considered being wealthy. (True.)

5. During the American Revolution, many brides wore blue instead of white. (False. But many did wear red as a symbol of rebellion.)

6. Sea lions are susceptible to sunburn. (True)

7. Sea lions can get seasick. (True again! If put on board a ship, it will get as seasick as a man.)

8. Almost half the newspapers in the world are published in the United States and Canada. (True)

9. The United States was actually the second country in the world to give women the right to vote. (False – we are number sixteen! There are fifteen nations that gave women the right to vote before the United States did in 1920. The earliest were New Zealand, in 1893, Australia, in 1902, and Finland, in 1906.)

10. On Venus, the Sun rises in the north and sets in the south. (False – it rises in the west and sets in the east, the opposite of the Earth.)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

DR. PHIL WARNS OF _________ (ALIEN INVASION)

LOS ANGELES – Dr. Phil announced on his show that there is an alien invasion under way and we must all prepare!

Dr. Phil shocked his studio audience yesterday when he announced that he believed “one hundred percent”  that an alien invasion is underway and that Americans, and citizens of the world, must prepare for psychologically for our new masters.

“I have studied this carefully with top leaders from governments around the world.  The evidence is overwhelming.  Aliens from Planet Zeeba  and Planet Gootan are amongst us and more are arriving every day.  We must all accept this, so that we can be happy and treat these aliens with the dignity and respect they deserve,” Dr. Phil told his audience.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

The patient is adamant. “Doc, I need a liver transplant, a kidney transplant, a heart transplant, a cornea transplant, a spleen transplant, a pancreas trans. . .”

“What makes you think you need all these?”

Well, replied the patient, “My boss said if I wanted to keep my job I needed to get reorganized.”

JOKE #2

“Please, your honor, I’d like to be excused from jury duty,” pleaded an anxious-looking man.

“Why should I excuse you,” asked the judge.

You see, there’s a man to whom I owe fifty dollars and he’s leaving in a few hours for a post abroad. He’ll be there for years and I want to catch him before he leaves, for it may be my last chance to repay him.”

“Excused,” stated the judge coldly. “We don’t want anyone on the jury who can lie like that.”

JOKE #3

A guy had told all of his friends about the great steak he’d eaten downtown the day before. A group of them decided to head down and see if was really as large and delicious as he was making it out to be. 
The group was seated in the back of the restaurant. After looking over the menu, they ordered and waited, hungrily, for their large, delicious pieces of gigantic steaks. 
To their collective disappointment, the waiter brought out some of the smallest steaks they’d ever seen.

“Now see here,” the very embarrassed guy said to the waiter. “Yesterday when I came down here you served me a BIG, juicy, steak. Today, though, when I have my friends invited, you serve small miniature steaks! What is the meaning of this?”

“Yes, sir,” replied the waiter, “yesterday you were sitting by the window.”

USELESS FACTS

There are a number of theories of why sailors wear bell-bottom pants. One is that bell bottoms are easier to pull on over boots. Another is that they are easier to roll up when doing chores. Others say it’s because it’s they are easier to remove if a sailor falls overboard, or that the pants could be knotted and filled with air to be used as flotation devices.  ***I think the best theory is that they just look so darn cute on the guy on the Cracker Jack box.

The Spitzer Space Telescope has discovered the biggest but never-before-seen ring around the planet Saturn. The thin array of ice and dust particles lies at the far reaches of the Saturnian system and its orbit is tilted 27 degrees from the planet’s main ring plane.  ***Not to worry though, they feel they can remove those stubborn rings using Wisk.

The ability to solve complex math problems is a trait you are born with.  ***Which means I have a birth defect.

FEATURED FUNNIES

WHAT IS THE SUM OF 2 + 2?

An accountant will say “What do you want the answer to be?”

A mathematician will say “I believe it is 4, but I will have to prove it.”

A statistician will say “The population is too small to give an accurate answer, but on the basis of the data supplied the answer lies between 3 and 5.”

An economist will say “Based on today’s thinking, the answer is 4 but the answer may be different tomorrow”.

An engineer will say “The answer is 4, but adding a safety factor we will call it 5”.

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

How would you react if your spouse told you to get rid of your pet – or he’d leave you? One woman had to make the tough decision regarding her pet crocodile!

In Australia, Vicki Lowing’s husband found just how unimportant he was when he gave his wife an ultimatum — either your pet crocodile, or me. 52-year-old Vicki said there was no way she could give up her 5-foot long “Johnnie” which she says is “like a child” to her. She’s helped raise the croc for 13 years, gives it the run of the house and even lets it sleep with her son Andrew in his bed. She adopted the crocodile after it was left on her doorstep in 1996. Her husband Greg said she spent too much time with the pet and asked her to give it up in a bid to save their marriage, but she refused so the couple divorced. Ms. Lowing, a trained nurse, said, “Husbands can look after themselves but my crocodile can’t make his meals.” As her son, Andrew, is only 18 months older than the crocodile, she said the experience was “like having two children to look after”. ***MARLAR: What kind of a mother allows her kid to sleep in the same bed with a live crocodile?!?!

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

DON’T WE ALL?

One evening I was parked in front of the mall wiping off my car. I had just come from the car wash and was waiting for my wife to get out of work. Coming my way from across the parking lot was what society would consider a bum. From the looks of him, he had no car, no home, no clean clothes, and no money. There are times when you feel generous but there are other times that you just don’t want to be bothered. This was one of the “Don’t want to be bothered” times.

“I hope he doesn’t ask me for money,” I thought. He didn’t. He came and sat on the curb in front of the bus stop and he didn’t look like he could have enough money to even ride the bus. After a few minutes he spoke. “That’s a very nice car,” he said. He was ragged but had an air of dignity around him. I said, “Thanks,” and continued wiping off my car.

He sat there quietly as I worked. The expected plea for money never came. As the silence between us widened something inside said, ‘ask him if he needs any help.’ I was sure that he would say yes, but I held true to the inner voice.

“Do you need any help?” I asked. He answered in three simple but profound words that I shall never forget. We often look for wisdom in great men and women. We expect it from those of higher learning and accomplishments. I expected nothing but an outstretched grimy hand. He spoke three words that shook me.

“Don’t we all?” he said.

I needed help. Maybe not for bus fare or a place to sleep, but I needed help. I reached in my wallet and gave him not only enough for bus fare but enough to get a warm meal and shelter for the day. Those three little words still ring true. No matter how much you have, no matter how much you have accomplished, you need help too. No matter how little you have, no matter how loaded you are with problems, even without money or a place to sleep, you can give help. Even if it’s just a compliment, you can give that.

You never know when you may see someone that appears to have it all. They are waiting on you to give them what they don’t have. A different perspective on life, a glimpse at something beautiful, a respite from daily chaos, that only you through a torn world can see.

Maybe the man was just a homeless stranger wandering the streets. Maybe he was more than that. Maybe he was sent by a power that is great and wise to minister to a soul too comfortable in themselves.

Maybe God looked down, called an Angel, dressed him like a bum, then said, “Go minister to that man cleaning the car, that man needs help.”

“Don’t We All?”

Author Unknown

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

HOW OLD ARE YOU?

For though by this time you ought to be teachers, . . . you have come to need milk and not solid food. –Hebrews 5:12

Hebrews 5 was addressed to believers who should have been mature enough to teach others, but they were still babes in Christ. They were like nursing infants, lacking spiritual fruit and in danger of severe discipline from the Lord. They were urged to put away childish things and to grow up.

The author wrote, “Leaving the discussion of the elementary principles of Christ, let us go on to perfection” (Heb. 6:1). The word perfection means “maturity.” The recipients of this letter were to leave the milk stage and grow up to “full age” (5:14) by feeding on the solid meat of the Word.

Many churches today have this same problem. They should be workshops but instead they are just nurseries for infants and crybabies. A vigorous church will have a “nursery” for new Christians, but when the babies don’t grow up the workers have to spend too much time being nursemaids while neglecting the rest of the family of God.

How long have you been a follower of Christ? How much have you grown? Are you a burden to your pastor and your fellow believers, or are you an encourager and a burden-bearer? The apostle Peter challenged us to “grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ” (2 Pet. 3:18). Let’s aim for maturity.

LEFTOVERS

Maxi Sopo just couldn’t keep himself off Facebook — and it proved to be his undoing!

Maxi’s posts made it easy for police to track him down and arrest him for fraud. Sopo’s messages made it clear he was living the high life in the Mexican resort of Cancun after he allegedly obtained more than $200,000 in credit from banks under false pretenses. In recent Facebook status updates Sopo said he was “loving it”, described himself as “living in paradise” and said he was “just here to have fun”. So the 26-year-old is now in custody in Mexico City awaiting extradition to the U.S.

LIFE… LIVE IT

HOW TO RAISE A BRAT

10. Let him/her say “No.” Some parents think it’s cute when their toddler learns to talk back and say “No.”

9. Do not give any duties or responsibilities. When you do everything for your child and never give them responsibilities, they will grow up believing the world owes them a living.

8. Never discipline them. Listen to the professionals who believe that proper discipline will hurt the child psychologically.

7. Defend them in school. No matter what happened or who is at fault, always take your child’s side. After all, your child never does anything wrong.

6. Give them everything they want.  Buy them something every time you go shopping. You never say “No” to them. Instead, when they ask for something you do everything to make sure they have it.

5. Let your child come and go as they please.  Don’t set any boundaries; after all, brats don’t need guidelines.

4. Make sure they are popular. They have to be with the “in crowd.” Never let them become an oddball. After all, the “in crowd” is the best influence they will have in their lives.

3. Let them watch TV continually. Never monitor what they watch. After all, TV is educational!  Except for today’s reality shows, they will grow up thinking they live in a fantasy world. With reality shows, they will learn how to trample and deceive others to get ahead.

2. Never instruct your child to be polite to adults. Politeness? What’s that? Who needs Emily Post these days.

1. Don’t ever say “I Love You!”  Sure, they can figure this one out for themselves. You give them everything they could ever wish for.

JUST FOR FUN

EWWW

While you might not think a law like this would even be necessary, Las Vegas city officials have made it illegal to sleep within 500 feet of urine or feces. It was part of a bill making it a misdemeanor to go to the bathroom in public. However, the city attorney says the new law was passed by mistake and won’t be enforced. Sweet dreams!  ***MARLAR: And be sure you flush the toilet if you get up in the middle of the night – otherwise you’re a criminal!

FUN LIST

WHAT DID YOUR FRIEND JUST SAY?

Not up on all the lingo being used around you?  We have a crash-course on talking like a teenager!

Sorry, parents, but if you don’t know the lingo you’ll be left scratching your head. So you know what your kid and his friends are saying, here’s a translator:

  • all up in my biznezz – when someone is meddling in your affairs or dealings.
  • all up in my grill – the act of being in someone’s face.
  • bent – a skewed impression of reality. “You got me bent, I ain’t like that.”
  • betty – an old school term for a girl/lady “Man, look at that fine looking Betty”
  • clownin’ – to make fun of someone. “Man, you tryin to clown on me?”
  • flossin’ – show off ones belongings or wealth. Often while driving, showing your vehicle, its nice rims, your new jacket, etc. “I just hung a right on Main St. Now I’m just flossin’.”
  • for sheezy – (derived from “for sure”) A statement of agreement. “Are you sure you want to do that?” “For sheezy!”
  • grain – money. “Hey mom, hook me up with some grain.”
  • hooptie – A 1972 Oldsmobile or car of the like. An old beat up car.
  • mad hops – an incredible ability to jump high. “He has mad hops.”
  • no diggity – no doubt
  • off your rector – (derived from “off your rector scale”) Acting out of control. Rambunctious. “Girl, you are off your rector. Now get down off the top of his car!”
  • salty – To have a bad attitude towards someone or something. “Don’t be get’n salty with me.”
  • selling woof tickets – Trying to get someone to believe a falsity. Spreading lies. “Girl, you be jawsin… you’re jus’ selling woof tickets.”
  • squirrel – a hot female. “Check out that squirrel.”
  • step off – a retort used to warn someone to back away. “You betta step-off!”
  • troop – a long walk or trip, “Taco Bell? That’s a troop and a half.”

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

SEEING THE LIGHT

If you don’t mind having your intelligence insulted, Carmarthenshire County in South Wales is the place to live. The county’s council recently produced a guide explaining what daylight is. It also defines children and pedestrians. It says daylight is all other times than darkness, children are people under 16 and pedestrians are road users on foot. A spokeswoman for the council said: “The terms are . . . aimed to clarify exactly what the terms mean so there’s no confusion.”  ***MARLAR: So, who’s going to clarify the clarifications?  If you have to have “daylight” explained to you, you don’t need to be on the road.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

SOUL-GLO

(Feel-good stories! Only posted as new stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Remember, today is the first day of the rest of your life. This, of course, is only a statistical estimate and the actual first day of the rest of your life is subject to change without notice.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

OCTOBER 20, 2017…

Geostorm—So global warming is causing storms that go from average-bad to terrible-bad-and-above. Weather people have to make up new terminology to keep track of these storms whether they be blizzards, tornados, typhoons, monsoons or hurricanes. Especially hurricanes in this year, as one after another breeds off the coast of Africa and comes hunting across the Atlantic Ocean for Puerto Rico or Haiti or Mexico, Texas, Florida and you name it. It is as though the southern part of the North American continent is fair game. “Geostorm” tells such a story of massive storms, triple tornadoes and the like, but is global warming always the cause?  Could there be something else lurking behind this, a master plan that is designed for something entirely different? This is what Gerard Butler is finding out as he is one person to go into space to photograph Earth images, finds satellites designed to do something else, and then gets quite a view of what is happening below. The special effects people have a ball here. Makes the term “Tornado Alley” sound calm. Also in the cast are Abbie Cornish, Daniel Wu, Ed Harris and Andy Garcia (always good to see him on screen.) “Geostorm” is rated R, and fasten your seat belt. Rating of 3 for fans.

1922 (opening in select cities)—Oh, what a tangled web life can sometimes be.  In this thriller, starring Thomas Jane, a farmer wants to murder someone and tries to get his son to help him. Money is involved, of course.  Also in the cast are Molly Parker and Neal McDonough (“Arrow”). “1922” is rated R. No rating.

Leatherface—There is much secrecy concerning the exact plot of  “Leatherface” that is supposed to be a prequel to the character in the “Texas Chainsaw” films of several years ago. Will we know how the person became “Leatherface?” After the first film, it took many years before fans could eat chili again. The film concerns a kidnapped policeman (Stephen Dorff) and a woman (Vanessa Grasse.) “Leatherface” is rated R and is an adult film. No rating.

Wonderstruck—Stay on your toes here, there are two stories going on. One is about a girl running away from home in 1927 and the other is about a boy running away from home in 1977.  Hmm. The girl really wants to find a woman she is star struck about and the boy wants to find his father. The cast has Oakes Fegley,  Julianne Moore, Michelle Williams and Tom Noonan. “Wonderstruck” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

Tyler Perry’s Boo 2! A Madea Halloween—It wouldn’t be Halloween without Tyler Perry getting into costume with his character of Madea, the family member who irritates everyone. This plot is a continuation of  “Boo!” and in that one, Madea driving the old car was enough to give anyone nightmares.  Perry’s character has a built-in audience. Also in the cast are Cassi David, Patrick Lovely and Yousef Erakat.  “Tyler Perry’s Boo 2! A Madea Halloween” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans and you know who you are.

The Snowman—Imagine, doing a movie role and not having read the novels from which the character has come. Michael Fassbinder is a fast learner and he is doing the role of Harry Hole (pronounced hoh-lee), as created by Norwegian author Jo Nesbo. In this film, there is a killer who strikes on the first snowfall, hence the name. The cast also includes Rebecca Ferguson, Val Kilmer and Charlotte Gainsbourg. “The Snowman” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.

Only The Brave—This is the true story of the Hotshot Firefighters in Arizona who braved a massive forest fire in the Yarnell Hills, only to have tragedy within their own company. A forest fire is also a wildfire, and difficult to control. Just as policemen and firemen where there is danger and everyone else leaves—they enter. Stars of the film include Josh Brolin, Miles Teller, Jeff Bridges and Taylor Kitsch. “Only The Brave” is rated R. Rating of 3 for fans.

OCTOBER 27, 2017…

Suburbicon has Matt Damon battling a home invasion.

Thank You For Your Service stars Miles Teller as a soldier coming back from war.

The Killing Of The Sacred Deer has Colin Farrell as a doctor married to Nicole Kidman.

The Square stars Elizabeth Moss (“The Handmaid’s Tale”) in a satire.

Professor Marston And The Wonder Woman is about the creator of the character of “Wonder Woman.” Stars Luke Evans.

Jigsaw and he’s back…..well, maybe.

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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.