October 22, 2015: Thursday ONAIRprep

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PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20151022

 

 

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Even though I’m a famous disc jockey, not everyone recognizes me when I travel. So I always carry my American Express Card application. They won’t give me a card… so I have to show them my application.

 

 

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you.” — Psalm 119:11

 

Be careful not to do your “acts of righteousness” before men, to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven. –Matthew 6:1

 

I desire to do your will, O my God; your law is within my heart. — Psalm 40:8

 

 

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. — Proverbs 18:24

 

Thought: Who are your closest friends? Good friends are hard to come by in a world of superficial acquaintances and shallow relationships. “Hanging with the crowd” can give us a false sense of belonging, but often leaves us wounded and alone in times of trouble. Open, honest, supportive, and loving relationships don’t happen without investment. Ask the Lord to lead you to close friends in his family. Minister to and serve those around you. Listen to their requests, faithfully upholding them in prayer. Spend time in Christian service with other servant believers. Join yourself to a Bible study or accountability group. As you do, trust that God will give you that “stick-through-thick-and-thin-friend.” Companions are easy to find, but can be unreliable. Development of Christian friends is an investment of effort and time, but they are friends with whom we will share forever.

 

Prayer: Precious God, I thank you for my friends (include the names of friends). Please, dear Father, lead me into the life of someone this week who needs me to be his or her friend. Bless all those who read Today’s Verse with a Christian friend that will help them in their walk with you. Thank you so much, dear Father, for my greatest friend, Jesus, in whose name I pray. Amen.

 

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

 

 

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

Hebrews 10:22 NIV = let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water.

 

 

TODAY IS THURSDAY – OCTOBER 22, 2015

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 64 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.  

 

INTERNATIONAL STUTTERING AWARENESS DAY. ***MARLAR: Why does a word like “stuttering” have so many S’s and T’s in it?

 

Today is NATIONAL PUMPKIN SLUSH DAY. ***MARLAR: Isn’t this something you find in the street the day after Halloween? Sounds like a new Slurpee flavor at 7-Eleven.

 

This is NATIONAL SCHOOL BUS SAFETY WEEK. ***MARLAR: Great vehicles for creating pumpkin slush.

 

Today is NATIONAL NUT DAY.  ***MARLAR: Thank you. Thank you, very much.

 

Speaking of nuts, today is WORLD’S END DAY. According to religious leader William Miller, the world will end on this date in 1844.  ***MARLAR: Gee, I hope he’s not right.

 

Today is NATIONAL BARBER DAY. ***MARLAR: Unless the world really did end in 1844 – at which point you won’t need one.

 

 

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Caps Locks Day

International Stuttering Awareness Day

National Nut Day

Smart is Cool Day

 

 

COMING UP NEXT

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 23

iPod Day

National Mole Day

National Pharmacy Buyer Day

National Pharmacy Technician Day

Swallows Depart from San Juan Capistrano Day

TV Talk Show Host Day

 

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 24

Food Day

Make a Difference Day

Pit Bull Awareness Day

United Nations Day

World Development Information Day

 

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 25

Chucky, The Notorious Killer Doll Day

International Artists Day

Sourest Day

World Pasta Day

Mother-in-Law Day

Xterra World Championships

 

MONDAY, OCTOBER 26

Howl At The Moon Night

Lung Health Day

Mule Day

National Day of the Deployed

Visit a Cemetery Day

 

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 27

Cranky Co-workers Day

Navy Day

World Day of Audiovisual Heritage

 

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 28

National Chocolate Day

St. Jude’s Day

 

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 29

Internet Day

National Cat Day

World Psoriasis Day

 

 

ON THIS DAY

1922: Chester Carlson patented the electrostatic copy machine. ***MARLAR: And in true copier fashion, everyone else tried to come up with their own versions.

 

1934: 33-year-old Charles “Pretty Boy” Floyd died in an Ohio cornfield after being shot eight times by FBI agents. ***MARLAR: “Pretty Boy” wasn’t a real accurate description after that.

 

1950: The Los Angeles Rams set an NFL record by embarrassing the Baltimore Colts 70-27. It was a record score for a regular season game.

 

1962: President Kennedy announced an air and naval blockade of Cuba, following the discovery of Soviet missile bases on the island.

 

1964: EMI Records turned down a chance to sign the group High Numbers. So they changed their name back to The Who and signed with Decca. ***MARLAR: Who are the High Numbers? (Exactly.) Exactly are the High Numbers? (No, Who is.) That’s what I’M asking! (What?) The High Numbers! (Yes.) Who are they! (That’s right.) What’s right?!?!? (No… WHO’s right.) Who’s right? (Correct.) Who are the High Numbers? (Exactly.) I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING!!

 

1986: U.S. President Ronald Reagan signed The Tax Reform Act of 1986 backwards, writing his last name first. The action was legal, though apparently unprecedented in U.S. history. ***MARLAR: Hey, our tax structure is completely backwards, so why not sign it that way?

 

1992: Thieves in South Yorkshire, England, stole a truck loaded with 43-thousand cans of beer—all past their expiration date.

 

1995: Charley Boswell died in Birmingham at age 78. Blinded in World War II, he was the nation’s most famous blind golfer, winning 28 titles. A caddy told him where to shoot. His celebrity tournament raised millions for Birmingham’s Eye Foundation Hospital.

 

2003: A 37-year-old woman landed in Santa Cruze, California, after allegedly robbing a bank and then waiting in the parking lot for police to arrive. Police say the woman took $857, walked outside, and got into her pickup truck to wait for officers to arrive. She put up no struggle, and the money was recovered.

 

 

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

451: During the Fifth Session of the Council of Chalcedon, the final form of the Chalcedonian Creed was drafted. It became the Early Church’s highest and most enduring “definition” of the person and work of Jesus Christ.

 

1844: The “Great Disappointment” began when this latest date, set for the return of Christ by religious leader William Miller, passed without event. Over 100,000 disillusioned followers returned to their former churches, or abandoned the Christian faith altogether.

 

1899: American Presbyterian missionary James B. Rodgers, 34, baptized his first Filipino converts to the Christian faith, thus inaugurating the beginning of Philippine Protestant churches.

 

1952: The complete Jewish Torah was published in English for the first time. A collection of oral and written commentary (dating 200 BC to AD 500) on the first five books of the Old Testament, the Torah comprises the basic religious code of Judaism.

 

1966: Swiss Reformed theologian Karl Barth declared in a letter: ‘God makes no mistakes.’

 

 

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • Model/actress/Donald Trump’s ex-wife, Marla Maples, 52
  • Actor (the holographic Doc Zimmerman on “Star Trek: Voyager”) Robert Picardo, 62 (
    )
  • actor (Jurassic Park, Independence Day) Jeff Goldblum 63
  • Mouseketeer/actress Annette Funicello 73
  • Actor (Monty Python, A Fish Called Wanda, Rat Race) John Cleese, 76
  • actor (“Taxi,” Back to the Future, Angels in the Outfield) Christopher Lloyd is 77 (
    )

 

 

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1832 : Leopold Damrosch

1942 : Annette Funicello

1942 : Bobby Fuller (The Bobby Fuller Four)

1945 : Leslie West (Mountain)

1946 : Eddie Brigati (The Young Rascals)

1968 : Shaggy

1985 : Zac Hanson (Hanson)

 

 

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Why do we call anti-aircraft fire — and criticism aimed at prominent people — flak?

For many of the first Allied bomber pilots in World War I, bombing raids over German positions must have seemed like turkey shoots. If enemy planes didn’t come up to meet them, they could drop their bombs at will. Rifle fire from German troops on the ground posed little threat to their success or safety. That changed with the development of the Fliegerabwehrkanone, or anti-bomber canon. Can’t pronounce it? Neither could Allied pilots. But how can you brag to your comrades about what a rough time you had without naming your nemesis? So they resorted to an abbreviation: F.L.A.K., to describe what was fired from that gun. Flak also became a metaphor for criticism fired at prominent people. And PR people today who use all available ammunition — sometimes even the facts — to shoot down criticism of their clients are also called flaks.

 

 

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE! Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

 

Tiffany Leigh and her husband Jeremy were celebrating their anniversary last week. The artist who goes by the name Plumb shared: 15 years ago today Jeremy and I married for the first time. I am so thankful for the story of resurrection that we have the honor of telling. I love him more today than I ever have and consider it an honor to walk alongside him through this thing we call life. He’s my best friend. He is the greatest father I have ever seen. I feel so thankful to be his wife and the mother of his children. I look forward to at least 60 more anniversaries with him! I love you Jeremy Lee.

 

Plumb has some special back up singers during a performance of her song Exhale last week. Plumb shared: Honored to have sang Exhale with the fantastic sixth grade chorus at my children’s school!

 

More Christian music is showing up in the playoffs. Last week one fan noted that New York Mets player Daniel Murphy is using music from Jeremy Camp as his walk up song.

 

Natalie Grant is gearing up for a Christmas tour. According to New Release Today, she will be celebrating Christmas through song with Tenth Avenue North, Sidewalk Prophets, and Danny Gokey.

 

Mercyme has a special part in the Texas Rangers playoff game last week. The members of the band sang the National Anthem prior to the game against Toronto last Tuesday.

http://twitter.com/Rangers/status/653662077823746048/photo/1

 

 

ODD & WEIRD NEWS…

Missing: ‘Slightly sinister’ Ronald McDonald statue
NORTHAMPTON, Mass. (AP) — A Massachusetts family has been searching in vain for its “slightly sinister” statue of Ronald McDonald, which was taken from their summer home during a teenage house party. HASH(0x14010a0) Ryan says two boys put the statue in a tree at an athletic club. Someone…

 

Massachusetts town issues ‘citations’ for good behavior
CONCORD, Mass. (AP) — Getting a ticket from police in one Massachusetts town isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Concord’s police department says it plans to issue up to 200 “citations” for good behavior. That could include such things as wearing a bicycle helmet or a seat belt, yielding to…
The devil made her do it: ‘Hell on Wheels’ arrested for DUI
CLARKSBURG, W.Va. (AP) — Police say a woman accused of drunken driving and hitting six vehicles initially identified herself to an officer as “Hell on Wheels.” The Exponent Telegram (http://bit.ly/1KdL6cI ) reports 38-year-old Amanda Dolores Alleman of Clarksburg was arrested Friday on…
College honors retired professor with 17 mph speed limit
AMHERST, Mass. (AP) — A Massachusetts college has changed all the speed limit signs on campus to honor a retired mathematics professor who spent his career fascinated by the number 17. The speed limit change from 15 mph to 17 mph at Hampshire College was made at the request of the professor,…
Cockatoo with dinosaur-like screech vexes neighbors
BROOKLINE, Mass. (AP) — A cockatoo with the screech of a dinosaur is vexing residents of a tony Boston suburb. The white bird, named Dino because of his annoying call, flew away from his owner in July and into the trees of Brookline. He’s been gnawing on the woodwork of the Nancy Gertner’s…
Thieves break through walls in ‘Ocean’s 11’-style heist
PHILADELPHIA (AP) — Police say someone broke through the walls of two downtown Philadelphia businesses and escaped with about $250,000 in cash and merchandise from a jewelry store. HASH(0x1416b90) Kamara says she discovered the damage when she opened the store just after 8 a.m. Thursday….
Cops: Pennsylvania woman did her laundry in woman’s bathtub
SHENANDOAH, Pa. (AP) — A Pennsylvania woman has been jailed on charges she broke into a neighbor’s home, where she was caught doing her laundry in the bathtub. HASH(0x13e1e90) A woman who lives down the street from Bancroft told police she went to use the bathroom about 4:30 p.m. and found…
Overdue books returned to Oregon library, 52 years later
PORTLAND, Ore. (AP) — Portland State University librarians in Oregon finally got their hands on two overdue books — a half century after they were checked out. HASH(0x141af10) University librarian Joan Petit says the books are so old that staff members don’t know what to do with them. In the…
Los Angeles doctor delivers baby on flight from Taiwan    photo
LOS ANGELES (AP) — It was a honeymoon that Dr. Angelica Zen likely won’t ever forget, and not just because of the romantic Bali vacation. On her way home to Los Angeles last week, the UCLA physician made her first unassisted delivery of a newborn baby when a passenger suddenly went into labor…
Unexpected visitor: Woman finds bear inside apartment
ASHEVILLE, N.C. (AP) — A North Carolina woman says she entered her daughter’s apartment and found a bear, who had entered by opening an unlocked door, roaming through the home. Asheville Fire Department spokeswoman Kelley Klope told local news outlets the mother called emergency personnel…
City warns church after neighbor complains about choir noise
OAKLAND, Calif. (AP) — The city of Oakland, California, sent a letter warning a church that it could be fined after a neighbor complained that choir practice was causing unbearable night-time noise. HASH(0x13ec930) Harris says rehearsal ends at 9 p.m., but the complaint sent to the city says…

 

 

 

HEALTH & FITNESS NEWS…

How America’s ‘heroin city’ is turning itself around    photo
RUTLAND, Vt. (AP) — Rutland is fed up with heroin. Take Tom VanEps. He and his neighbors used to just watch, disgusted, as dealers worked Baxter Street, their buyers sometimes littering the ground with used syringes. Now, he said, they confront the dealers and the junkies. “We’ll make them…

 

UN: 2 new Ebola cases in Guinea show virus still spreading    photo
LONDON (AP) — The World Health Organization says there were two new cases of Ebola in Guinea this week, ending two consecutive weeks in West Africa when no cases of the devastating disease were reported. The two new patients were not previously identified contacts being tracked by health…
Bristol-Myers, Five Prime expand work on cancer, other drugs
TRENTON, N.J. (AP) — Drugmaker Bristol-Myers Squibb Co. is expanding its collaboration with Five Prime Therapeutics Inc., which could receive more than $1.75 billion if they succeed in turning Five Prime’s antibody-based drug candidates into approved medicines for cancer and immune-system…
Policy makes Plan B more accessible to American Indian women    photo
FLAGSTAFF, Ariz. (AP) — The federal Indian Health Service has finalized a policy that makes emergency contraception more accessible to American Indian and Alaska Native women. The written policy released this week requires the morning-after pill to be available to women of any age over the…
The world’s first female sex drug could spur similar meds    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — Most women with low sexual desire won’t rush to get the first prescription drug to boost female libido when it becomes available on Saturday. But they may have more options down the road. Addyi is a daily medication that can’t be taken with alcohol or certain other drugs,…
Ailing Ebola nurse in UK may be rare case of relapse    photo
LONDON (AP) — The World Health Organization says it’s possible in rare instances for patients who survived Ebola to develop the lethal disease again, when the virus lingering in the body starts to replicate at high levels. That might explain what has happened to a Scottish nurse now being…
Experts: Concussions are complex but treatable injuries
PITTSBURGH (AP) — The science surrounding how to diagnose and treat concussions is as complex as the injury itself. No two concussions are alike. And while those heavily involved in dealing with them — from researchers to clinicians to scientists — know the road ahead will…
Michigan governor OKs $9.3M to end Flint water crisis
LANSING, Mich. (AP) — A Michigan city will receive $6 million in state funding to help switch its drinking water source after lead problems prompted officials to declare a public health emergency. Gov. Rick Snyder on Thursday quickly approved $9.3 million in aid to address Flint’s water…
Is Obama’s health overhaul losing steam?    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — The health care law’s historic gains in coverage may be leveling off: The Obama administration announced Thursday it expects only a slight overall increase in enrollment next year. With the 2016 sign-up season two weeks away, Health and Human Services Secretary Sylvia M….
Leader behind Vermont aid-in-dying law uses it, ends life
MONTPELIER, Vt. (AP) — Richard “Dick” Walters, a leader in the effort to get the state to pass aid-in-dying legislation, used the rules established under the law to end his own life on Friday. He was 90 years old and had been battling cancer. Walters, the leader of Patient Choices Vermont,…
Patient attacked at Washington hospital as US funds at risk
SEATTLE (AP) — A patient attacked another patient at Washington state’s largest psychiatric hospital this week as federal regulators decide whether to cut millions of dollars to the facility over concerns about safety. Doctors at Western State Hospital say the number of violent episodes at…

 

 

 

NEWS KICKERS

(None on the weekends)

 

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

Men who wear their long hair in a bun or top-knot may increase their chance of going bald later in life.  ***And before going bald they look like the school lunch lady.

 

According to a survey, 59% of Americans believe immigrants don’t learn English quickly enough.  ***When asked what language immigrants should speak, one respondent said, “deben aprender Inglés.”

 

Apparently gone are the days of innocent Halloween costumes like superheroes, firefighters, and Frankenstein’s monster.  Among this Halloween’s costumes are “Sexy Nemo,” a “Sexy pizza slice,” the “Sexy crayon,” “Sexy Minon” and “Sexy Donald Trump.”  ***Although I’m pretty sure that last one is intended to be scary to Democrats…. and Republicans.  Okay, everybody.

 

A 54-year-old Florida man was arrested after police got reports of a man in a motorized wheelchair blocking traffic. Ronny Scott Hicks has two previous DUI convictions.  Officers say Hicks smelled of alcohol and was slurring his words. He allegedly refused to take a breathalyzer test and was taken into custody.  ***Wait a minute – you can get a DUI in a wheelchair?  Isn’t that like arresting somebody for drinking and walking?  If we did that we’d have to arrest everyone attending a (Cubs) game!

 

A couple in Oregon say they spent 10 months trying to clear up a whopping $2 million phone bill. Ken Slusher and his girlfriend, of Damascus, Oregon, have a balance of $2,156,593.64 on a Verizon Wireless bill that was for a wireless account that they opened in November. Slusher said he hoped to close on a new house but he said his mortgage company won’t sign off on a loan due to the phone debt. A spokesman for Verizon Wireless told ABC News the error was the result of a “programming error” in Verizon’s system.  ***Well, either that or they are the parents of a teenager with a mobile phone.  http://yhoo.it/1Fgt3aF

 

 

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

Did you know your dog gets jealous when you pet another dog? That’s according to researchers at the University of California, San Diego, who watched 36 dog owners interact with an animated dog. While the owners petted the fake dog, their real dogs started showing signs of jealousy, including pushing at their owner or the rival dog. The dogs were trying to break up the connection between the owners and a rival.  ***MARLAR: In other words, dog is not man’s best friend… it’s more like your ex-girlfriend.

 

Believe it or not, you really CAN catch “cooties.” The word cooties likely comes from the Malay word “kutu,” which means “body lice.” ***MARLAR: So instead of using imaginary “cootie spray” you should use a can of Raid.

 

Iran is planning a vacation resort for women that will have no men allowed as staffers or visitors, and they say it will be a “paradise” for women. ***MARLAR: How bad is the male species that a woman’s idea of paradise is to have no men at all? Then again, this is Iran – so if we’re talking Sharia Law this makes total sense.

 

Many older Americans get repeat colon cancer tests they don’t need and Medicare is paying for it, suggests a study that spotlights unnecessary risks to the elderly and a waste of money.  Almost half of the Medicare patients in the study had had a colonoscopy less than seven years after getting normal results from an earlier test. The test is recommended just every 10 years, starting at age 50, for people at average risk whose initial test is normal.  ***MARLAR: Wait a minute.  So people were getting colonoscopies more often than they needed to?  Who does that?  Sounds like Medicare might have a few candidates here for MENTAL health screenings.

 

 

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Buying Barbie’s Friends”

 

 

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Scott Gregory, “Tennis Grunting”

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THURSDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, all of the jungle animals, after searching long and hard for a new king, finally found a new lion king – but he’s already got a jungle to be king of. But then he began telling the little king, Louis, how being a king didn’t mean having answers to everything… because there was also another king…

 

CLOSE: Tune in again next time for another episode of As the Jungle Turns!

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF OCTOBER 24/25, 2015

 

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you another inspiringly inspiring inspirational story in the never-ending deep-jungle soap-opera saga that is As the Jungle Turns!

 

CLOSE: Tune in again next time for another episode of As the Jungle Turns!

 

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of As the Jungle Turns in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us.

 

 

MOMENT OF DUH

A non-thinking police officer sniffs the contents of an envelope to see if it’s anthrax!

A police officer in Claremont, South Africa was called to the home of a man that received a strange letter in the mail. The officer was given an envelope containing a powder to investigate. The outside of the envelope had a skull and crossbones and the words ”What do you wish for – Death or Anthrax?” Nevertheless, this police officer opened the envelope anyway, stuck his nose inside, took a sniff, and declared, ”this is baby powder.” And what says the man who received the envelope in the mail? ”I seriously think that they need to be trained.”

 

 

TOP TEN

TOP TEN FAMOUS LAST WORDS

 

  1. This will be a short meeting.

 

  1. Your table will be ready in 5 minutes.

 

  1. When it says empty there’s always a gallon or two left.

 

  1. That’s not poison ivy.

 

  1. You can put it together yourself in 5 minutes.

 

  1. Get a tail light later, the police will never stop you for that.

 

  1. Relax, the boss always takes over an hour for lunch.

 

  1. Trust me, no one’s dressing up.

 

  1. Those aren’t rain clouds.

 

  1. Don’t worry, my wife loves meeting new people.

 

 

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Who needs video surveillance when you have crooks that make the videos for you?

 

FILE #1: A Brazilian gang recently pulled off the master crime of breaking into a photo shop and stealing cameras. To prove their bravado, the gang took pictures of themselves in the act. They then sent the photos to be developed at the very same shop they robbed. Needless to say, employees recognized the banditos and police made the arrest.

 

FILE #2: A Manchester, New Hampshire, man faces charges after taking an unattended street sweeper out for a joy ride. The sweeper was being used in a downtown parking garage and the operator had left the machine temporarily. That’s when police say Michael Moran hopped on and started it up. Moran traveled several blocks before he was caught by people chasing him. Police have charged him with taking the sweeper without the owner’s permission and, yes, drunken driving.

 

FILE #3: A woman in West Midlands, England was attempting to rob a post office when things didn’t go as planned. You see, the woman — who was carrying a crowbar — threatened the counter clerk, who refused to cooperate. So, an ensuing struggle broke out and the robber accidentally hit herself on the head with the crowbar, and cut herself with the hook end. So she decided to run – and while doing so, got her shirt caught on something and ripped it in two.

 

STRANGE LAW: In Wisconsin, butter substitutes are not allowed to be served in state prisons.

 

 

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

A man tries to kick the drinking habit… but ends up breaking the law to do it!

It’s always a good idea to try and stop a terrible habit… especially if that habit is drinking heavily. It’s not only unhealthy for you, but can be dangerous to those around you as well. So you have to look up to one man that wanted to stop drinking… but the way he went about it was not really that bright. You see, his idea was to stay sober by serving part of a friend’s jail sentence to see whether he could fool the justice system. The problem was that he came up with this brilliant idea… while drunk. The man posed as his friend and started a one-month drunk-driving sentence, but was discovered after two weeks in jail. A court has since found him guilty of perjury and wrongful use of another person’s identity. He may now be serving his sentence along with his friend who still has to serve the original sentence.

 

 

PHONER PHUN

Best invention ever created… what is it? (Or what should be invented that hasn’t been yet?)

 

 

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Why did Hannah agonize in prayer in worship at Shiloh?

ANSWER: She asked God for a son. (1 Samuel 1:11)

 

QUESTION: As a general classification, what type of birds was Israel forbidden to eat?

ANSWER: The vulturous type (Leviticus 11:13)

 

 

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: What is the least-liked vegetable of all time?

ANSWER: The turnip.

 

 

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

 

  1. More than half a billion yo-yos have been sold in the United States. (True.)

 

  1. Actor Robert Redford was disqualified from the Navy’s pilot training program during World War II because he was color blind. (False – that was Paul Newman)

 

  1. Scientists discover 7,000 to 10,000 new insect species every year. (True – and it is believe that there are between 1 million and 10 million species yet unfound.)

 

  1. A camel can lose up to 30 percent of its body weight in perspiration and continue to cross the desert. (True – a human would die of heat shock after sweating away only 12 percent of body weight.)

 

  1. German chocolate cake did not originate in Germany. (True – in 1852, Sam German developed a sweet baking bar for Baker’s Chocolate Co. The product was named in honor of him — Baker’s German’s Sweet Chocolate.)

 

  1. Speaking of chocolate, California is the only U.S. state that grows cacao beans to produce chocolate. (False – Hawaii is the only state that does so)

 

  1. Per capita, the Irish eat more chocolate than Americans. (True – in fact, they also eat more than the Swedes, Danes, French, or Italians.)

 

  1. The blue whale is the largest animal that ever lived. (True – reaching 100 feet (30.4 m) in length and weighing 150 tons. The largest dinosaur, Argentinosaurus, was estimated to weigh 110 tons.)

 

  1. The largest ketchup bottle is a 70 ft tall water tower. (False – it’s 170 ft tall!)

 

  1. The largest volcano in our solar system is found not on a planet, but on a moon. (False – Olympus Mons, a volcano found on the planet Mars, is the largest volcano found in solar system. It is 370 miles across and rises 15 miles.)

 

 

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

OBAMA TO BAN ________ IN THE UNITED STATES! (COWS)

Obama launched his latest Climate Change initiative – he is banning cows in America!

President Obama and his administration are taking aggressive steps to bypass Congress in an effort to stop Climate Change – which they feel is the biggest problem facing mankind today.

A new study out of Harvard has confirmed that cows are the primary cause of methane gas in the atmosphere and that gas is the primary cause of global warming, which causes Climate Change.  ”If we get rid of cows, we can save the planet.  Cows and oil – the deadly duo,” said one White House insider.

It’s true. Cow farts and burps contain huge amounts of methane, this is because of their slow digestive systems. Not only cows, even farts and burps released by other animals can cause global warming.

Cow farts are made up of several gases. One among them is methane (CH4), a gas that is 23 times more powerful than carbon dioxide.

Methane when present in small amounts in the environment helps in trapping warm air around the planet. However, large amounts of methane can lead to thickness of the green house gas layer in the air which is not a very good thing.

Scientists say that on an average a dairy cow releases about 1,100 to 2,000 liters of methane gas in the form of farts that causes pollution. Therefore in that case, the pollution produced by a car in a day is about one-tenth of that produced by cow farts.

The Administration strongly feels that we should ban cows in America as a sign to t he rest of the world.  ”Cows kills the atmosphere and the atmosphere destroys the planet.  Therefore, cows destroy the planet.  They must all die,” said a White House insider.

What about milk?  ”The President hates milk.  He never drinks it.  So, he figures what’s good for him is good for the country,” said a top  White House advisor.

 

 

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY

JOKE #1

A customer in a bakery was observed carefully examining all the rich-looking pastries displayed on trays in the glass cases.

When a clerk approached him and asked, “What would you like?” he answered, “I’d like that chocolate-covered, cream-filled doughnut, that jelly-filled doughnut and that cheese Danish.”

Then with a sigh he added, “But I’ll take an oat-bran muffin.”

 

JOKE #2

An old man limped into the doctor’s office and said, “Doctor, my knee hurts so bad, I can hardly walk!”

The doctor slowly eyed him from head to toe, paused and then said, “Sir, how old are you?”

“I’m 98,” the man announced proudly.

The doctor just sighed, and looked at him again. Finally he said, “Sir, I’m sorry. I mean, just look at you. You are almost one hundred years old, and you’re complaining that your knee hurts? Well, what did you expect?”

The old man said, “Well, my other knee is 98 years old too, and it doesn’t hurt!”

 

JOKE #3

PRACTICAL JOKES YOU CAN PULL ON A VAMPIRE

  • The old rubber stake gag
  • Moving them so they wake up in a house of mirrors
  • Invite them to a sunrise service
  • “Wait a minute! That’s ketchup!”

 

 

USELESS FACTS

Playing with puppies and kittens has been proven to relieve stress and help students perform better on tests.  ***MARLAR: But just try telling your teacher that when you show up for finals holding a beagle.

 

A Swedish family, puzzled why the potato chips they were eating tasted a bit spicier than usual, were left feeling queasy when they found a dead mouse at the bottom of the bag. ***MARLAR: Cool! Potato chips now come with a secret prize in the bag!

 

Police in Cleveland, England, are searching for a pervert with a weird modus operandi. He approaches women in the street late at night, clad only in a diaper, and asks, “Are there any baby-changing facilities around here?” Police said he hasn’t harmed anyone, but they are “keen…to speak to him.”  ***MARLAR: This is a man who needs changing, in more ways than one.

 

 

FEATURED FUNNIES

TATTOOED

I couldn’t help overhearing a man on a nearby cell phone.  “I know it’s something you want,” he said earnestly, “but I don’t think tattoos are a good idea. And the same goes for body piercing. As long as you’re living in my house, I think you should respect my wishes. Besides, Mom, you’re 75 years old! You don’t NEED a tattoo!”

 

 

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

UPSET WITCHES

There will be no Halloween parties at one school district in Washington state.

According to a Seattle TV station, a spokeswoman for the Puyallup School District said there were three reasons that the parties will be canceled. The first reason was that Halloween parties and parades waste valuable classroom time. The second reason was that some families can’t afford costumes. The third reason is that it may offend real witches. She said schools have had complaints from followers of the Wiccan religion who are offended at the way Halloween is celebrated.  ***MARLAR: The witches are offended?!?  Excuse me, but Christians have been offended by schools celebrating Halloween for generations – and yet NOTHING has been done. Now suddenly a much smaller religious group steps up and says, “Hey, we don’t like it when you celebrate Halloween” and suddenly we’re canceling it?

 

 

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

Want to know why you should be a witness for Jesus Christ? Because He died for all, and therefore, all died. Because you died with Christ, you should no longer live for yourself (2 Corinthians 5:15). Because you no longer live for yourself, you are no longer the same person you were. “What this means is that those who become Christians become new persons. They are not the same anymore, for the old life is gone. A new life has begun” (v. 17)!
God has given you, as a “new creation” believer, the task of reconciling people to Him (v. 18). Your message of reconciliation is this:
“For God was in Christ, reconciling the world to himself, no longer counting people’s sins against them. This is the wonderful message he has given us to tell others” (v. 19). Legally, the world has already been forgiven in Christ; thus, your job is to be His ambassador, imploring people on Christ’s behalf to be reconciled to God (v. 20).
The conclusion? You are dead to your former life and thus unconcerned about public opinion. You live only to inform the lost that Jesus reconciled them to God. Some will receive, some will reject, but all must be told. That, dear ambassador, is your mission!

By Larry Stockstill

 

 

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

(modified from Campus Journal)

Are you single, but dating? Is that relationship Godly, or just a dating relationship?

Kenneth and Barbara have been together for a longtime. In fact, they fell in love at first sight. I met them both several years ago and was floored by their charisma and charm. They’re the hippest, coolest people you’d ever want to meet. Yet you don’t have to be on the A-list to be called their friend.

Kenneth and Barbara are invited to all the best parties, keep up with all the latest styles and trends, drive expensive cars, and travel to exotic places. They seem to have everything they could ever want, and you’ll never catch either of them without a smile.

But now I’m beginning to wonder if it’s all just superficial. They never seem to have any meaningful conversations. They don’t spend much time alone with each other. On the outside they seem to have a terrific time, but I wonder if they know that there’s so much more to life–and love.

What about that person you’re seeing pretty regularly now? It probably started out with a dinner, maybe a date. Just hanging out, having a little fun. But are you serious about trying to develop a friendship with that person, or just serious about being seen with a steady date?

If you’re both Christians, I trust that there’s more to your relationship than having a few laughs. More than having someone to go places with so you don’t have to go alone. More than the other person’s money and willingness to spend it on you. More than fitting in with your friends who keep pairing off and leaving you behind.

Nothing will deepen your connection more than praying together (Matthew 18:19-20). Talk about what the Lord is doing in your lives. Read the Bible together. Ask each other for advice about dealing with difficult situations at home, or problems at work or school. Share your goals for the future. Really get to know each other and do things that show the other person you care.

Ken and Barbie are still together–and will be for a very long time, I suspect. But their “love” will always be only skin-deep.

 

 

LEFTOVERS

BUS A MOVE

A toddler jumps onto a bus and takes off – and no one notices!

A Hong Kong toddler who just loves watching buses got the ride of his life after sneaking onto a double-decker which zipped him half way across town. The boy, barely 21 months old, slipped away from his brother on Thursday while they were playing and was only discovered on the bus about an hour later. It was not clear why the driver or other passengers didn’t notice him sooner. When finally reunited with his anxious mom and dad, he excitedly repeated: “Buses! I like buses.” ***MARLAR: Mom and Dad were thinking more along the lines of “Busted! You are busted!”

 

 

LIFE… LIVE IT

KEEP THE TARGET AWAY FROM YOUR HOUSE THIS HALLOWEEN

Good Housekeeping has these tips to make your home less of a target for Halloween gags:

  • Be friendly when you hand out candy.
  • Place jack-o’-lanterns in windows, rather than on steps or walkways, so they can’t be kicked over or smashed.
  • Keep exterior lights on all night – even after the trick-or-treaters are all in bed asleep.
  • Play loud music or turn up the TV so sounds come from the house.
  • Make sure walkways are clear and well lit.
  • Put cars in the garage or cover them with a tarp.
  • Store trashcans inside; put away bikes, lawn equipment, yard decorations, and anything that’s portable.
  • Keep pets indoors.

 

 

JUST FOR FUN

PHONY FEATURES

As if our cell phones aren’t complex enough as it is, there are some that are asking for even MORE features… and you won’t believe some of the requests!

I have a cell phone; it’s a nice one. It stores all the numbers that come in, that I dial out, it has voice dial, one touch dialing, even a recording device for me to record a little memo to myself. But it doesn’t have a little flap-up mirror – so I guess it’s a useless piece of garbage. Some people in Scandinavia actually think that way. Scandinavian cell phone users are demanding more and more features for their units. Aside from that flap-out mirror idea for women “on the go,” other ideas include a fire alarm for executives staying at hotels, features that could measure elevation, wind force and air pressure, cell phones with a built-in flashlight, and there was even the idea suggested of equipping cell phones with a small stick with which weight-conscious users could penetrate their hamburger or salad to measure calories. ***MARLAR: If you ever get to the point that you need to have a calorie thermometer on your cell phone, you might want to consider a dietary change.

 

 

FUN LIST

SIGNS YOU’RE NOT VERY TECH SAVVY

  • You think “Bluetooth” was a pirate.
  • You spent $50 on a “DVD rewinder.”
  • You don’t have any problems with spam email… not because you have good spam filters, but because you can’t figure out how to set your email up.
  • You went through 3 mice before realizing they weren’t supposed to be used like gas pedals in your new NASCAR simulator.
  • You have wireless internet, but only because you yanked the phone cord out of your wall in frustration.
  • You’re not sure what Myspace and YouTube are, but you found this amazing website with dancing hamsters called “Hamster Dance.”

 

 

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

DEER, DEER, DEER

We take baths ourselves, we bath our children, we bathe our pets, but bathing wildlife might not be all that common – but a deer got a full bubble bath in a Pennsylvania couple’s home!

It’s the case of the buck in the bubble bath. Connie Beck and her husband were awakened by a crash in their Howard, Pennsylvania, home. Beck figured their house had been hit by a tornado. It had been hit all right, but by a male deer. The buck ran past the couple’s bedroom and into the bath. Somehow the animal managed to turn on the water in the tub and knocked over a bottle of bubble bath in the process. When game wardens arrived, they found the deer in the bubbly water. The officers subdued the animal with tranquilizers. A little later, the clean and sweet-smelling deer was released in the wild.  ***MARLAR: “Dear, are you taking a bath up there? Dear? Can you hear me dear?”

 

 

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Mondays Only)

 

 

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

Medical studies revealed several years ago that a sedentary lifestyle, including sitting for long periods of time each day, was as deadly for your body as smoking. But a new study this week finds that going to the other extreme can be just as deadly. According to Breaking Christian News, the new study find that “heavy joggers are as likely to die as those leading a sedentary life.” The study did also find that “light joggers”, defined as running about 3 times a week at a slower pace have the optimum life expectancy. The researchers tracked 1,098 healthy joggers and 413 healthy but sedentary non-joggers for 12 years. They found that “strenuous joggers were as likely to die as sedentary non-joggers, while light joggers had the lowest rates of death.”  http://goo.gl/Ixkyr4

 

When you invite Jesus into your heart, He comes into your car as well. According to a report in Charisma News, A study released in the Duke University Newsletter shows attending weekly church services correlates with lower road rage than those who do not. The study shows that 40 percent of participants who attended church weekly had no road rage, while only 3.4 percent of weekly church-goers had “extreme” road rage. Following the study investigators concluded, “Frequent church attendance may help make people more sensitive to their wrongdoings and gradually revise the anti-social behavior.” http://bit.ly/1DxYGXd

 

Do your kids like to play computer games? Focus on the Family’s Clubhouse Jr. has some safe, fun games to add to your young children’s go-to list. Try Ribbit’s Bounce… http://bit.ly/1H8mPcI

 

 

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Now, today’s gambling tip for anyone who plans to buy a lottery ticket today. Just send me the dollar, and I’ll tell you that you didn’t win.

 

 

THE WAY WE WORK

(Updated as it comes available. The Way WE Work is written by Mark Elfstrand from 1160Hope.com in Chicago.)

Captains Courageous

They call a certain stretch of water in the Caribbean “Hurricane Alley.” Severe storms in that region are common. Captains of sailing vessels know enough to consider the warnings and plan accordingly.
But even skilled sailors and captains of ships are no match for forces well beyond their control. Thus was the fate recently of the cargo ship El Faro. It left port in Jacksonville, Florida, almost two weeks ago…never to return. Along with its sinking went the souls of thirty-three crew.
Experts continue to debate the wisdom of the decision to sail, let alone to take that specific route. There is no clear cut answer. The storm turned treacherous quicker than estimated — jumping past hurricane categories 1, 2, and 3, until it settled at 4.
What that meant for these sailors was a horrifying congestion of wind, waves, and rain. The seas were raging at 50 feet. Winds howling at 125 miles per hour. As the ship listed some 15 degrees with its full load of containers and cars, it began taking on water. It wasn’t long after that the engine failed. Steering was now impossible.
No survivors were found. There was one body that surfaced in a survival suit meant to keep people afloat. Other than that, a cargo door, an empty lifeboat, and a range of flotsam and jetsam is all that could be immediately found.
It’s important to note that, despite all of our advancements, we still have these sailing tragedies today. And this one happened in a relatively short course sailing run of 1200 miles! Today’s maritime world has sophisticated weather equipment, advanced navigation, and sailing technology. Lifeboats for everyone. Survival suits.
Makes you wonder, on this Columbus Day, how they made it from Spain to cross the Atlantic in the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Maria. The Santa Maria ran aground near Haiti and came apart. Oops.
The other two ships were smaller and each carried about 25 men. Close quarters, my friend. Probably no antiperspirant.
As one history site notes, “All told, there were about 120 crewmen for the combined fleet. They lived on hard biscuit, salted meat, and fish. They drank beer and water. Of course, they could not drink sea-water because of the high salt content. In that day they had not yet developed methods for distilling the sea-water to remove the salt. Living conditions were difficult.” Ya think?

The article goes on to explain that the sailors slept on a hard deck, often exposed to the weather. And because of fire danger aboard a wooden ship, any fire needed had to be strictly controlled. And cooking was done in the forward part of the ship.
And lest we forget the importance of this historic day, a few more notes from an article titled “THE FOUR EXPLORATIONS OF CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS”:
“Early on the morning of October 12th land was indeed sighted, and a landing party arrived on an island in the Bahamas and named it San Salvador. It had been thirty-three days since the three ships had left the Canary Islands, off the Atlantic coast of Africa. The natives must have been surprised to hear that their island now belonged to Spain. Over the next few weeks landings were also made on Cuba, named Juana by Columbus, and Española, now known as Hispaniola, and shared by the Dominican Republic and Haiti.
Columbus’ ships covered approximately 150 miles a day. His seafaring instincts were extraordinary. Columbus relied on “dead reckoning,” which used not only navigational instruments but also experience, intuition, observations, and guesswork to determine his ships’ positions.”

Now I realize that in this current age there are mixed reviews on the motives and behavior of the Columbus expeditions. For my purposes today, I’ll leave you to your own conclusions. (You should read the original documents and diaries.)
My point in sharing both of these stories is twofold: 1) to show that people have taken great risks and made tremendous sacrifices for our betterment, and 2) some jobs, more than others, require bravery in the face of known risks. Or call it courage.
Your job, whatever it is, may require another kind of courage. Making tough decisions. Knowing when to step out on your own. Handling employee challenges. In looking at a candidate for a job, we underestimate the importance of courage.
In the face of our challenges, when courage is needed most, it is comforting to know we can seek help from One whose power knows no limits.
As the Psalmist writes, “You answer us in amazing ways, God our Savior. People everywhere on the earth and beyond the sea trust you. You made the mountains by your strength; you are dressed in power. You stopped the roaring seas, the roaring waves, and the uproar of the nations. Even those people at the ends of the earth fear your miracles. You are praised from where the sun rises to where it sets.”  (Psalm 63:5-8, NCV)
Happy Columbus Day. May you have smooth sailing.
That’s The Way WE Work.

 

 

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

 

OCTOBER 16, 2015…

 

Goosebumps— Jack Black stars as the real-life writer R. L. Stine in a film about Stine’s mystery books called “Goosebumps”. This is the type of reading where it is fun to be frightened.  The story has a curious neighbor accidentally letting the book characters into this world.  What to do?  The cast includes Dylan Minnette.” “Goosebumps” is rated PG 13. No rating.

 

Truth—In this film, Robert Redford stars as Dan Rather and Cate Blanchett is Mary Mapes in a behind-the-scenes look at the CBS news scandal concerning then President Bush. Information came out that the then-President military service was suspect and there was a scandal.  In this film, there is a different angle. “Truth” is rated R. Rating of 3 for fans of the stars.

 

Beasts of No Nation—This is actually a Netflix movie, based on the novel by Uzogdinna Iweala, and stars Idris Elba in a story about a boy soldier in Africa. The boy (Abraham Attah)  is forced to become a soldier during the fighting in Africa with Elba as his scary commander .A film not for children. “Beasts of No Nation” is rated R. Rating of 3.

 

Crimson Peak—Shades of gothic books and movies, this one has Mia Wasikowska living in Northern England and is courted by a mysterious stranger, Tom Hiddleston and comes to live in a castle/mansion in a deserted part of the country.  What else is new?  “Crimson Peak” is rated R. No rating.

 

Room—Here is a film about  living in a small room…for years…with a child, too.  Such is the fate of Brie Larson who runs into a nut case who imprisons her. This is a scary situation. All, too often, this type of story is in the headlines. “Room” is rated R. Rating of 3.

 

Bridge Of Spies—This is based on the true story of exchanging a Russian spy for an America pilot during the Cold War. Tom Hanks is an attorney who is “asked” by the CIA to handle the negotiations. The American pilot is Mark Rylance. Also in the cast is Amy Ryan. “Bridge of Spies” is rated R and directed by Steven Spielberg. Rating of 3 for fans.

 

OCTOBER 23…

 

Bone Tomahawk stars Kurt Russell in an action/horror western.

 

Burnt with Bradley Cooper as a chef trying to get back on top of the culinary world.

 

Jem and the Holograms with Aubrey Peeples and Juliette Lewis is based on the old TV series.

 

# # # # #

 

 

WARNING:  Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.