October 24, 2017: Tuesday ONAIRprep

PRINT VERSIONS OF TODAY’S PREP:
ODT: 20171024
PDF: 20171024

***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS! (As an ONAIRprep subscriber, you can gain access to all of the work parts for the Daily Dose of Weird News, allowing you to edit for length and content – and also receive a custom tag specifically for your station or show which you can have updated at any time… ABSOLUTELY FREE! IT’S PART OF YOUR SUBSCRIPTION! Email me to get more information, FTP access and your free customized tag!)

**********

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Archaeologists have uncovered an ancient pile of artifacts just outside of town. The material is such worthless junk the scientists theorize they may have discovered a prehistoric garage sale.  –HaLife

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

But godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it.” –1 Timothy 6:6,7

Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know. — Jeremiah 33:3

A man finds joy in giving an apt reply — and how good is a timely word! — Proverbs 15:23

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

So Christ was sacrificed once to take away the sins of many people; and he will appear a second time, not to bear sin, but to bring salvation to those who are waiting for him. — Hebrews 9:28

Thought: Jesus is coming back! Are you ready? Are you waiting?

Prayer: Come Lord Jesus, your bride awaits you! Amen. (see 1 Corinthians 16:22 & Revelation 21:2, 9; 22:17)

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

1 Corinthians 10:24 NIV = Nobody should seek his own good, but the good of others.

TODAY IS TUESDAY – OCTOBER 24, 2017

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
63 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is UNITED NATIONS DAY. And at the same time, it’s also DISARMAMENT WEEK, which happens to be sponsored by the United Nations.  ***And you wonder why the United Nations doesn’t accomplish any more than it does.

Today is NATIONAL BOLOGNA DAY.  ***Please refer to the United Nations’ Disarmament Week for details. (National Bologna Day is also sort of a national holiday here on the show!)

This is PRESCRIPTION ERRORS EDUCATION AND AWARENESS WEEK.  ***Awareness of an error in your prescription keeps you from accidentally dying from taking the wrong medication.  Shouldn’t this be more than just one week of the year?

Today is SHARE A POP-TART WITH SOMEONE YOU LOVE DAY. ***Nothing against this day, but it’s awful hard to sound masculine while speaking the words, “Share a Pop Tart.”

TODAY IS ALSO…

Food Day
United Nations Day
World Development Information Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 25

Chucky, The Notorious Killer Doll Day
International Artists Day
Sourest Day
Unity Day
World Pasta Day

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 26

Howl at The Moon Night
Mule Day (Historical, not celebration. Honors the importation of the first Spanish Jacks to the US which were a gift from King Charles III of Spain delivered October 26, 1785 in Boston.George Washington then began breeding them in the US. For the celebration, go to March 31 or Columbia, TN )
National Day of The Deployed

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 27

Black Cat Day
Cranky Co-workers Day
Frankenstein Friday
International Bandanna Day
National Breadstix (Bread Sticks) Day
Navy Day
World Day for Audiovisual Heritage

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 28

Champagne Day
Make A Difference Day
National Chocolate Day
Pit Bull Awareness Day
St. Jude’s Day

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 29

Internet Day
National Cat Day
Reformation Sunday
Visit A Cemetery Day
World Psoriasis Day

MONDAY, OCTOBER 30

Checklist Day
Create A Great Funeral Day
Devil’s Night or Mischief Night
Haunted Refrigerator Night
National Candy Corn Day
National Publicist Day
Speak Up For Service Day
World Audio Drama Day

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 31

Beggars’ Night
Books For Treats Day
Day of the Seven Billion
Girl Scout Founder’s Day
Halloween or All Hallows Eve
Magic Day
National Caramel Apple Day
National Knock-Knock Jokes Day
National Magic Day
National UNICEF Day
Samhain
World Cities Day

ON THIS DAY

1955: Tappan introduced the microwave oven in Mansfield, Ohio. Suggested retail price: $1,200. ***That’s a lot of money for a popcorn popper.

1989: Actress Zsa Zsa Gabor was sentenced to 72-hours in jail for slapping Beverly Hills police officer Paul Kramer after he stopped her for a routine driver’s license check. ***She slapped him with her hand, he slapped her with some cuffs.

1998: 10-year-old Matthew Nonnemacher of Hazleton, Pennsylvania, gave 1,819,691 pennies to the United Way of Greater Hazleton after his community-wide penny drive for Make A Difference Day. That’s $18,196.91. Matt said he just wanted to help people. ***The United Way finished rolling the coins just last week.

1999: A 19-year-old woman with a gun took $150 from a Whitmire, South Carolina, video store, but left a tote bag behind that contained her pager. Police, tracing telephone records, arrested the suspect the next day.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1260: Under Pope Alexander IV, Chartres Cathedral in France was consecrated. Completed in less than 30 years, the structure represents high Gothic architecture at its purest.

1538: French reformer John Calvin wrote in a letter: ‘Among Christians there ought to be so great a dislike of schism, as that they may always avoid it so far as lies in their power.’

1790: English founder of Methodism John Wesley, 87, made the last entry in his 55-year-long journal, written after preaching a sermon: ‘I hope many even then resolved to choose the better part.’ (Wesley died the following March.)

1911: Missionary widow Aimee Elizabeth Kennedy Semple, 21, married Harold Stewart McPherson, also 21. Afterward, Aimee Semple McPherson went on to establish the International Church of the Foursquare Gospel in 1918. (She and Harold would divorce in 1921).

1956: In Syracuse, New York, Margaret Ellen Towner became the first woman ordained in the Presbyterian Church.

BIRTHDAY RAP-UP

  • actor (Scientist Henry Wu in Jurassic Park and Jurassic World, Father Ray Mukada on HBO’s “Oz”, Dr. George Huang on “Law & Order: SVU”) B.D. Wong 55

  • actor (A Fish Called Wanda, Dave, Silverado) Kevin Kline is 70

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1911 : Sonny Terry

1930 : J. P. Richardson (aka The Big Bopper)

1936 : Bill Wyman (The Rolling Stones); Born William George Perks

1937 : Santo Farina (Santo & Johnny)

1944 : Ted Templeman (Harper’s Bizarre)

1944 : Bettye Swann

1946 : Jerry Edmonton (Steppenwolf)

1946 : Rob Van Leeuwen (The Shocking Blue)

1947 : Edgar Broughton

1948 : Dale Griffin (Mott The Hoople)

1948 : Paul and Barry Ryan

1954 : Tiny Tavares

1979 : Ben Gillies (Silverchair)

1980 : Monica

1983 : Adrienne Bailon (3LW)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

How did the use of laugh tracks on television shows originate?

The laugh track was “invented” on 1940’s radio to spice up the studio audience. With the advent of Television it made the jump over with the “The Hank McCune Show” in 1950.  The Laugh Track was first introduced by engineer Charley Douglass.

NEWS KICKERS

(None on weekends. Want a customizable version with your specific station tag, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

The government admits that the Social Security Administration has paid over thirty-million dollars to dead people over the years.  ***And they are all vote regularly at the polls in Chicago.

Justin Timberlake has confirmed that he will be performing at this year’s Super Bowl.  ***TV stations nationwide have already been warned to have someone ready to hit the dump button in case of a wardrobe malfunction.

An Ohio man has built a two-story “Star Wars” inspired Halloween display in his front yard. Nick Meyer constructed the replica four-legged All Terrain Armored Transport walker outside his home in Parma.  ***It’s not known whether or not he can see it from the basement window where he lives in his mother’s house.

An author is predicting that Apple, Google and Facebook will all be gone in another 50 years. ***At which point I’ll be 99-years-old and likely couldn’t care less.

Police in Burlington, Iowa have charged 29-year-old Garret S. Selters with killing his own mother by striking her in the head with an electric guitar. Police say Garret Selters struck 56-year-old Linda Selters in the back of her head with a Les Paul guitar. Linda had called 911 that morning, seeking help because her son was having an “episode.” Officers quickly arrived and found Garret Selters outside, pacing and stating he’d killed his mother.  ***Playing in the background?  Death metal.

A 52-year-old Spanish tourist was killed by a falling chunk of one of Florence’s most famous churches, the Basilica of Santa Croce. ***My mom used to tell me it wouldn’t kill me to go to church… now I have proof she’s wrong!

The Hallmark Channel is going to have 34 new Christmas movies for you this season.  ***Which seems a bit overkill to me, seeing as most of us are happy watching “A Christmas Story” over and over again on TBS.

Chris Brown’s 8th album, coming out later this month, will include 45 songs.  ***Although if you remove the cursing and n-words, it’s only about 1 and three-quarter songs in total.

One of the funnier rumors running around about President Trump is that a lot of times he uses a Melania body double when making appearances. ***Which is ridiculous – because he doesn’t have the legs to pull that off.

Burrito dropping drones are being tested in Australia. ***Look out – it’s an aerial gas attack!

A Canadian man is suing Sunwing airlines because they served sparkling wine instead of Champagne as advertised.  ***Whatever you do, do NOT tell this guy that his Crunchberry Cap’n Crunch isn’t made with real crunchberries!

A study says intelligent people are more at risk of mental illness.  ***Meaning I have a lifetime of mental health to look forward to.

Taco Bell in Wisconsin is experimenting with the “Kit Kat Chocolatilla”. It’s basically melted chocolate and Kit Kat pieces folded in a flour tortilla, which is then grilled. It sells for $1.  ***Apparently their regular menu items weren’t killing people fast enough.

An Italian soccer player has been banned for five games after he urinated in the direction of the opposing team’s fans. Yes, on the field.  ***Hey, when you gotta go…

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

In the Netherlands a Muslim woman fined for driving while using her phone claims she was using it to listen to the Koran to help cure her toothache. The driving violation was captured by a film crew shooting a documentary called Road Offenders.  ***She should’ve been listening to the Bible, because it says “The Tooth Will Set You Free!”  I think that sounds right. I didn’t really pay much attention in Sunday School.

A study suggests that manatees can hear 10 times better than humans underwater.  ***So apparently they CAN hear the boat engines – but they obviously have no idea what that sound means, or don’t have sense enough to get out of the way of outboard motors.

Teen drivers often understand that shooting a quick text message, playing with their radio, or eating while driving is dangerous. However, the overwhelming majority of teen drivers engage in distracted driving behaviors anyway. (According to a recent survey by AAA and Seventeen magazine) almost nine in 10 teenage drivers (86 percent) have driven while distracted, even though 84 percent of teen drivers know it’s dangerous. ***The remaining 14-16 percent of teens who say they have not driven distracted are filthy nasty liars.

Medical research indicates that people who have a drink daily are more likely than teetotalers to survive a heart attack and less likely to develop heart failure.  ***Plus, when you’re drunk you barely feel that crushing pain in your chest.

The more Americans engage in one of their favorite pastimes — sitting around — the shorter their average life span, a new study suggests. The effect remained even after researchers factored out obesity or the level of daily physical activity people were engaged in, according to a study of more than 120,000 American adults.  ***If this study is accurate, it means I died three years ago.

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TUESDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, Gruffy Bear decided to take advantage of the fact that the main path through the jungle happens to pass through his property. He built a toll booth, and now every time one of the jungle animals wants to pass by using the main jungle path, they have to come up with 35-cents!

CLOSE: What a nice guy! Sure, he put up a toll booth on his property, but Gruffy is letting his friend Hermie the bug pass through at no charge… and he let Nozzles owe 5-cents instead of being hard-nosed about it. I guess he is a very understanding bear! Maybe this won’t be all that bad. We’ll find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

A botched escape attempt is the topic of today’s Moment of Duh!

Stupid criminals are everywhere… and sometimes they don’t get any smarter even when they’ve been tossed in prison. In Amsterdam, The Netherlands comes the story of an unidentified criminal inDUHvidual prisoner who was just sure he could squeeze through the hatch of his cell door and escape. He was wrong, of course. He was stuck tight and the guards first used oil, then soap and water to try to free him, but to no avail. Finally they had to bring in an oxyacetylene cutting torch to enlarge the hole in the metal door and pull the guy out from between the bars. He’s been moved to a more secure cell… just in case he wants to be stupid again.

TOP TEN
TOP TEN GAS PRICE COMPARISONS

10. Diet Snapple 16 oz for $1.29 = $10.32 per gallon

9. Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz for $1.19 = $9.52 per gallon

8. Gatorade 20 oz for $1.59 = $10.17 per gallon

7. Quart of Milk 16 oz for $1.59 = $6.32 per gallon

6. Evian (water) 9 oz for $1.49 = $21.19 per gallon

5. STP Brake Fluid 12 oz for $3.15 = $33.60 per gallon

4. Vicks Nyquil 6 oz for $8.35 = $178.13 per gallon

3. Pepto Bismol 4 oz for $3.85 = $123.20 per gallon

2. Whiteout 7 oz for $1.39 = $254.17 per gallon

1. Scope 1.5 oz for $0.99 = $84.84 per gallon

So the next time you’re at the pump be glad your car doesn’t run on Nyquil, Scope or Whiteout!

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

In Wadsworth, Ohio, firefighters hit the crime-busting jackpot while dousing a fire in a new home.

FILE #1: It did seem strange that the guy believed to be the owner suddenly took off while they were still battling the blaze. Then it all made sense — as soon as they found the $700,000 worth of marijuana plants in the basement. A total of 239 plants were found but that’s not the only crime here. The special marijuana-cultivating system, with special plant-growing lights, was wired to the home’s electrical system in a way that bypassed the meter. Police are now looking for the owner who bought the place just under a month ago.

FILE #2: A man who police said sent electronic messages around the world about the best way to commit murder without being caught will go on trial for the death of his father. In other words, he was caught! Sounds like his book isn’t all that accurate.

FILE #3: A robber is in jail after falling asleep during a car-jacking and being driven to the police station by his kidnapped victim. Emanuele Lot robbed the motorist and then his victim to drive him at gunpoint to his hometown. Lot fell asleep during the journey and his victim drove to the local police headquarters instead. He was woken up by a police officer and is now in jail.

STRANGE LAW: In Fargo, North Dakota one may be jailed for wearing a hat while dancing, or even for wearing a hat to a function where dancing is taking place.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.

Joseph S. Kelley is in double trouble for DWI.

Joseph was busted for drunken driving twice in the same day in upstate New York. Troopers report the first arrest came after Kelley stopped at state police headquarters in Millbrook early Sunday to ask for directions. Troopers charge he had a blood alcohol level twice the legal limit. He was supposed to go to a hotel to sleep it off, but police say the Massachusetts man got out of a cab and back into his SUV. He was later arrested for the second time on DWI and sent to the Dutchess County Jail.

PHONER PHUN

Do you spend your spare change, or do you save it up and cash it in later? If you cash it in after accumulating it for a while, do you have special plans for your loose-change windfall?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: The book of Proverbs lists four creatures that are small but exceedingly wise. These creatures are ANTS, CONIES (badgers), LOCUSTS, and ____?

ANSWER: Ants, conies (badgers), locusts, and SPIDERS (Proverbs 30)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: 47 copies of this book are sold or distributed every minute throughout the world. What?

ANSWER. The Bible.

QUESTION: Aside from English, what is the most popular language spoken in Hawaii?

ANSWER: Japanese.

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. The average length of a coat hanger when straightened is over six feet. (False – it’s 44 inches, just under four feet in length.)

2. An American Oyster lays about 500 million eggs during its lifetime. (False – it lays that many in just one year. Usually only one oyster out of the bunch reaches maturity.)

3. Hummingbirds are so light it would take eighteen of them to make a pound. (False – it would take that many just create a single ounce!)

4. Cats sleep more hours a day than any other mammal. (True – an average of sixteen hours each day.

5. Every square inch of the human body has an average of 32 million bacteria on it. (True. Eww.)

6. You shed over a pound of skin every year. (True – we shed about 600,000 particles of skin every hour – about 1.5 pounds a year. By 70 years of age, an average person will have lost 105 pounds of skin!)

7. Hawaii has the only royal palace in the United States. (True – Lolani.)

8. Honey is the only food that does not spoil. (True – honey found in the tombs of Egyptian pharaohs has been tasted by archaeologists and found edible.)

9. James Buchanan was the only US president never to be married. (True.)

10. Employees of Ben & Jerry’s get one free pint of ice cream a day. (False – they get three free pints each day! Every year the company holds a free cone day, giving away 1 million ice cream cones.)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

“Legal Pads To Be Made __________!”  (ILLEGAL!)


The Weekly World News reports that Virginia-based Strategic System consultant Todd Manster has filed a formal request with the Federal Corporation Commission to ban legal pads nationwide. “Those incredibly bright and loathsomely long legal pads are an absolute distraction in the workplace,” says Manster. The notebooks are notoriously disruptive in office setting for several reasons: The glaring sunshine-yellow color draws the eye away from the intended focus point; the intrusive legal-sized sheets don’t fit in regular folders, binders or filing systems; and the thick cardboard backing is an environmental nightmare, wasting nearly three trees per bundle. “By eliminating legal pads from their office supply lists, companies can increase productivity twofold and decrease waste considerably,” Manster claimed.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

There was a woman who spent some months serving God in Kenya.  On her final visit to a remote township she attended a medical clinic.  As the Maasai women there began to sing together, she found herself deeply moved by their hauntingly beautiful harmonies.

She wanted to always remember so she recorded this moment and would share it with friends when she arrived home. With tears flowing down her cheeks, she turned to her friend and asked, “Can you please tell me the translation of the words to this song?”

Her friend looked at her and solemnly replied, “If you boil the water, you won’t get dysentery.”

JOKE #2

Two storks are sitting in their nest: a father stork and baby stork. The baby stork is crying and crying and father stork is trying to calm him. “Don’t worry, son. Your mother will come back. She’s only bringing people babies and making them happy.”

The next night, it’s father’s turn to do the job. Mother and son are sitting in the nest, the baby stork is crying, and mother is saying “Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he’s bringing joy to new mommies and daddies.”

A few days later, the stork’s parents are desperate; their son is absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returns and the parents ask him where he’s been all night. The baby stork says, “Nowhere. Just out frightening college students!”

JOKE #3

Dr. Cutter is the local Veterinarian, known for his wry humor. He surpassed himself one summer day when a city dog was brought to him after an encounter with a porcupine.

After almost an hour of prying, pulling, cutting and stitching, he returned the dog to its owner, who asked what she owed. 

”Fifteen dollars, Ma’am,” he answered.

“Why that’s simply outrageous!” she stormed. “That’s what’s wrong with you Maine people, you’re always trying to over charge summer visitors. Whatever do you do in the winter, when we’re not being gypped here?”

“Raise porcupines, Ma’am.”

USELESS FACTS

Farting helps reduce high blood pressure and is good for your health. ***My dad is the healthiest man on the planet!

A lightning bolt embodies as much as 30,000 amps of electricity, reaches a temperature of 54,000-degrees Fahrenheit (give or take a few degrees), and may be anywhere from 300 yards to 4 miles long.  ***Think that’s a big charge?  You should see the charges on my last Visa bill.

FEATURED FUNNIES

TEA TIME

An Irishman living in England goes for a job on a construction site.  The foreman says, “Can you brew tea?”

The Irishman says, “Yes.”

“Good. Can you drive a fork lift?”

The Irishman looks at him and says, “Why, how big is the teapot?”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

KITT CAR?

Looking for a little more personality in your next family car? Toyota might have the solution for you… a car that smiles, frowns, and can even cry!

Some people really get into creating personalities for their cars… even going to the point of naming them. But you will soon be able to buy a car that will smile, frown, and even cry! It’s made by Toyota, and along with the personality traits, it also takes your pulse and measures your rate of perspiration. It’s called the “POD”. It has U-shaped grooves that light up to express emotion, the headlights positioned mid-way to look like eyes and side-mirrors positioned to look like ears. When its owner approaches, it lights up a happy orange-yellow. Puncture a tire or run out of fuel, it lights up blue, complete with a display of tear-drops. Swerve sharply or brake too hard and the color is an angry red. ***MARLAR: If it were my car it’d turn red from embarrassment whenever I got behind the wheel.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

THE TWENTY-THIRD PSALM

In his beautifully written book, “I Shall Not Want,” Robert Ketchum tells of a Sunday School teacher who asked her group of children if anyone could quote the entire Twenty-third Psalm.

A golden-haired, four-and-a-half-year-old girl was among those who raised their hands.

A bit skeptical, the teacher asked if she could really quote the entire Psalm.

The little girl went to the front of the room, faced the class, made a perky little bow, and said: “The Lord is my Shepherd, that’s all I want.”

She bowed again, then returned to her seat. That may well be the greatest interpretation ever heard.

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

(modified from Campus Journal)

Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers. –1 Timothy 4:12

Some people have a hard time believing that college students make good employees.

In Canada there’s been criticism of the high number of college-age young people who are working as customs and immigration officials. At Canada’s busiest airport, 80 percent of the workers are college students. During peak travel times, that number is as high as 95 percent.

A union official doesn’t like hiring young “unskilled” labor. Nor does he like it that so many young faces make customs counters look like a McDonald’s. (“Would you like fries with your McPassport?”)

But not all observers are down on youthful employees. One customs manager said, “They have had life experiences. They’re very poised, very professional. I’m very proud of them.”

Gaining respect in the church can also be difficult, but not impossible, for young people. From what the apostle Paul wrote to Timothy, the “youth factor” was something that bothered some people even back in the first century. And Timothy was probably around 30 (an old geezer by college standards).

Even though he had been trained by Paul and had been sent as the apostle’s official representative, Timothy had to work hard to earn some respect. Paul told him, “Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith, and in purity” (1 Timothy 4:12).

That’s a challenge we too need to accept today. If we want some respect, we can’t demand it, we need to earn it. As followers of Christ, that comes as we learn to control our words and as we live a pure and God-honoring life. If we take the faith seriously, others are likely to take us more seriously.

LEFTOVERS

HORSING AROUND

William Matiger had set up the perfect romantic atmosphere to pop the question to his girlfriend, Karen. There they were… on an intimate horse-drawn carriage ride through New Orleans. Just as he was about to propose, the horse began passing gas. Karen was so overcome by the odor, she couldn’t even give William an answer. William is now suing the carriage owner for over 20-thousand dollars for punitive damages.  ***Or is that “Pee-Yoo-nitive” damages?

LIFE… LIVE IT

PUMPKIN POINTERS

Woman’s Day got some Halloween help from Janet Sobesky.

Pumpkin Pointers:

  • Prolong a carved pumpkin’s life by lathering the inside of the shell and cut areas with petroleum jelly.

  • For easy cleanup, set the pumpkin on several layers of newspaper before carving.

  • Avoid cutting mouths that are large open spaces or very long horizontally. They weaken the pumpkin at the bottom and can make it collapse.

  • To prevent a fire hazard, use battery-operated candles to light the pumpkin.

  • Small children can make jack-o’-lantern faces by attaching vegetables, fruit or candy with toothpicks instead of cutting. Try cucumber or squash slices for eyes, a green bean for the nose and candy corn for teeth.

Outdoor Decorations:

  • Make streamers by cutting a plastic garbage bag into strips (cut just a few inches above the bottom of the bag so streamers stay together). Hang them from the porch.

  • Stuff an old shirt and pants to make a scarecrow body. Set on a chair and top with a plastic pumpkin for a head.

  • Fill a large jar with vampire fans and red water (use food coloring). Put it on the porch with fake spiders and bats.

  • Tie cornstalks from a garden center or farm stand to porch columns or the door frame. Put pumpkins and large gourds around the edges of the porch.

  • Put green or red bulbs in your porch lights to create an eerie glow.

Trick-Or-Treating

  • Give each child a flashlight.

  • Make sure treat bags are sturdy and easy to carry. Take along some extra bags in case one breaks.

  • Keep kids on sidewalks and walkways. Don’t cut across yards: Lawn ornaments and hidden sprinklers can cause injuries.

  • Make it a rule that treats are not to be eaten until after trick-or-treating. This gives you a chance to inspect everything and discard anything that looks suspicious.

  • Alternatives to candy: Give small treats, such as stickers, plastic figures, books, cards and bookmarks. Put the items in a bag, shallow bowl and let each child pick one or two.

JUST FOR FUN

Pregnancy might be good for your memory!

Scientists at the University of Richmond in Virginia, studying pregnant rats, say that hormones released during pregnancy and after birth cause long-lasting changes in the brains of female rats that increase their ability to remember and learn new tasks. Although the research was limited to laboratory animals, the researchers believe it could have the same implications for humans. ***MARLAR: They expect this time next year to be able to train a pregnant woman to go through a maze to find cheese.

FUN LIST

COMPUTER ONE-LINERS

  • ISDN: I Still Don’t kNow
  • ISDN: Idiot Services you Don’t Need
  • It said, “Insert disk #3,” but only two will fit!
  • Klingon prompt: strike any user when ready.
  • Manual Writer’s Creed: Garbage in, gospel out.
  • Mental backup in progress – Do Not Disturb!
  • MIPS: Meaningless Indicator of Processor Speed.
  • Multitasking – screwing up several things at once.
  • My computer NEVER cras@#%^TU*NO CARRIER
  • My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
  • Nerd: someone on the Dork Side of the Farce.
  • Network: anything reticulated or decussated at equal intervals, with interstices between the intersections.
  • Never trust a computer you can’t lift. – Stan Masor
  • Never trust a computer you can’t throw out the window. – S. Hunt
  • Old programmers never die; they just give up their resources.
  • One person’s error is another person’s data.
  • One picture is worth 128K.
  • Our system is very reliable. Nothing ever goes wr[}-_+=~'{?>.(#$%{!`’?;f;fkj;uiutoiun;gt;to;g;g;t
  • PCMCIA: People Can’t Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
  • Hard Disk space: the final frontier!
  • Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
  • hAS ANYONE SEEN MY cAPSLOCK KEY?
  • H lp! S m b d st l ll th v w ls fr m m k yb rd!
  • COMMAND: A suggestion made to a computer.
  • Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
  • ASCII a stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
  • Hold a hard drive to your ear — listen to the C:
  • I am a computer, dumber than any human and smarter than an administrator.
  • I am logged in, therefore I am.
  • I are Pentium of Borg. Division is futile. You will be approximated.
  • I came, I saw, I deleted all your files.
  • I had a life once… now I have a computer and a modem.
  • I know I’m supposed to back up my files, but I still haven’t found reverse on my PC.
  • I was going to switch her to DOS, but she had a gun
  • I’ll give up my Windows 3.1 when they pry my cold, dead fingers off the mouse.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, call it version 1.0
  • In my next life I’m going to have more memory installed
  • Intel – still number 0.999873464508.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

CHIP ON HER SHOULDER

This one’s gotta stink… being allergic to technology!

If Joan Stock doesn’t seem to be keeping up with technology, it’s because her health depends on it. The 79-year-old woman is “allergic” to microchips! She suffers from blinding headaches when she goes near computers or hi-tech equipment. Considering that microchips are everywhere now, it appears that she’s stuck in the 1970’s. She and her husband watch TV on a 25-year-old black and white set, drive and old Ford and can only shop where they use old manual cash registers. Her allergy has been diagnosed as a reaction to the electromagnetic radiation generated by microchips.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Every year when Halloween rolls around, the debate rages over which candy is the best. According to Today.com, Influenster, a retail review website and online community of two million shoppers, sought to find the answer to national candy supremacy while also breaking down each state’s favorite sugary treat. The site surveyed 40,000 of its members about their favorite Halloween candy and then created a graphic that shows which treat captivated the residents each state. http://on.today.com/2e5zrIs

When it comes to saving the big bucks — the kind needed to pay your children’s college tuition or retire with a decent lifestyle — it can be such a daunting task that you just give up and never do it. Modern psychology has come to your rescue. When it comes to our personal finances, impulsiveness and materialism can lead to bad decisions and a failure to save enough. And this affects a lot of us. The rate of personal savings has dropped to about 40 percent of what people saved in the 1980s. A study found people who often make poor financial decisions (that is, spend more and save less) are also impulsive and materialistic. Those who make the best financial decisions (that is, spend less and save more) are those who are focused on the future and are less impulsive in spending. The takeaway: Even more than understanding finances, the key to saving the big bucks is to keep a focus on the future when making financial decisions today. (Netscape)

If you desperately need that morning cup of joe to jump start your day, do not worry. A recent study from Harvard University found caffeine really does act as a mood and energy booster and can actually beat the blues. Published in the Journal of American Medical Association, “Our results support a possible protective effect of caffeine, mainly from coffee consumption, on risk of depression,” says Dr. Michael Lucas from the Harvard School of Public Health.

Sorry, guys, but the stereotype is true, men apologize less frequently than women do, according to a recent study. But, contrary to the stereotype, it is not because of their delicate egos. The simple fact is, fellas often do not know they messed up in the first place. Researchers studied people’s admitted offenses and their apologies and then had them rate the severity of their wrong doings. The conclusion? “Men and women have different thresholds for what constitutes offensive behavior,” according to the study author, Karina Schumannof the University of Waterloo in Ontario. “Men perceive offenses as less severe and less deserving of an apology than women do.” So, ladies, if you want to hear “I’m sorry” from a man, you may just need to toss him a clue as to what he did wrong.

Mastering five specific life skills could be a magic potion that is likely to make you healthier, less lonely and more financially stable, according to British researchers. The five life skills are:

  1. Emotional stability

  2. Determination

  3. Control

  4. Optimism

  5. Conscientiousness

Led by Andrew Steptoe, a professor of epidemiology and public health at University College London, the team found 25 percent of people who had the fewest of these life skills reported symptoms of depression, while just 3 percent of those who had four of the five life skills had such symptoms. Almost half of those with the fewest skills said they had high levels of loneliness. Meanwhile, just 11 percent of those with four or five of the life skills said they had the same high levels of loneliness. Slightly more than one-third of those with the least life skills said they had poor to fair health, compared with just 6 percent of people with four or five of the skills.

SOUL-GLO

(Feel-good stories! Only posted as new stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Every day, twice a day, Arnetta Griffin arrives on 22nd Avenue in Uptown, and every day her regulars are waiting. Since late May, the 51 year old mother of 8 and grandmother of 19 has cooked meals twice a day in her own kitchen, packed them in individual containers and then turned up at lunch and dinner times to hand out food to homeless people who spend their days in Uptown, and to anyone in the neighborhood in need of a meal. Each lunchtime she provides 20 meals. At dinner, she tries to give out 35. Her children take turns picking her up, helping her cook and helping her deliver the meals.
http://www.kenoshanews.com/news/local/a-one-woman-mission-to-feed-the-homeless/article_4a1c4f99-4173-57ba-8ef5-531d95ca80f7.html

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

An eastern Pennsylvania school district is dealing with a second racism incident in just over a week. They’re now investigating a Facebook photo showing current and former students posing with pumpkins carved with racist symbols including a swastika and the letters KKK. The photo shows four young people posing behind the pumpkins. It appears the photo was taken off school grounds and after school hours. A school district rep said, “We are extremely disappointed that any of our students would display this kind of hatred and vile behavior,” adding that the students’ actions were “reprehensible and intolerable.” A high school spokesperson says three of the students shown in the photo currently attend that school, while one is a former student. Superintendent Cathy Taschner says the district will “exercise its full authority” to send a message that the picture and carvings are not acceptable. Earlier this month, a black baby doll was found hanging in a Coatesville High School locker with a tie around its neck. (NBC Philadelphia)

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

TV ads show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you’ve got a bloodstained T-shirt, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. –Jerry Seinfeld

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

OCTOBER 20, 2017…

Geostorm—So global warming is causing storms that go from average-bad to terrible-bad-and-above. Weather people have to make up new terminology to keep track of these storms whether they be blizzards, tornados, typhoons, monsoons or hurricanes. Especially hurricanes in this year, as one after another breeds off the coast of Africa and comes hunting across the Atlantic Ocean for Puerto Rico or Haiti or Mexico, Texas, Florida and you name it. It is as though the southern part of the North American continent is fair game. “Geostorm” tells such a story of massive storms, triple tornadoes and the like, but is global warming always the cause?  Could there be something else lurking behind this, a master plan that is designed for something entirely different? This is what Gerard Butler is finding out as he is one person to go into space to photograph Earth images, finds satellites designed to do something else, and then gets quite a view of what is happening below. The special effects people have a ball here. Makes the term “Tornado Alley” sound calm. Also in the cast are Abbie Cornish, Daniel Wu, Ed Harris and Andy Garcia (always good to see him on screen.) “Geostorm” is rated R, and fasten your seat belt. Rating of 3 for fans.

1922 (opening in select cities)—Oh, what a tangled web life can sometimes be.  In this thriller, starring Thomas Jane, a farmer wants to murder someone and tries to get his son to help him. Money is involved, of course.  Also in the cast are Molly Parker and Neal McDonough (“Arrow”). “1922” is rated R. No rating.

Leatherface—There is much secrecy concerning the exact plot of  “Leatherface” that is supposed to be a prequel to the character in the “Texas Chainsaw” films of several years ago. Will we know how the person became “Leatherface?” After the first film, it took many years before fans could eat chili again. The film concerns a kidnapped policeman (Stephen Dorff) and a woman (Vanessa Grasse.) “Leatherface” is rated R and is an adult film. No rating.

Wonderstruck—Stay on your toes here, there are two stories going on. One is about a girl running away from home in 1927 and the other is about a boy running away from home in 1977.  Hmm. The girl really wants to find a woman she is star struck about and the boy wants to find his father. The cast has Oakes Fegley,  Julianne Moore, Michelle Williams and Tom Noonan. “Wonderstruck” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

Tyler Perry’s Boo 2! A Madea Halloween—It wouldn’t be Halloween without Tyler Perry getting into costume with his character of Madea, the family member who irritates everyone. This plot is a continuation of  “Boo!” and in that one, Madea driving the old car was enough to give anyone nightmares.  Perry’s character has a built-in audience. Also in the cast are Cassi David, Patrick Lovely and Yousef Erakat.  “Tyler Perry’s Boo 2! A Madea Halloween” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans and you know who you are.

The Snowman—Imagine, doing a movie role and not having read the novels from which the character has come. Michael Fassbinder is a fast learner and he is doing the role of Harry Hole (pronounced hoh-lee), as created by Norwegian author Jo Nesbo. In this film, there is a killer who strikes on the first snowfall, hence the name. The cast also includes Rebecca Ferguson, Val Kilmer and Charlotte Gainsbourg. “The Snowman” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.

Only The Brave—This is the true story of the Hotshot Firefighters in Arizona who braved a massive forest fire in the Yarnell Hills, only to have tragedy within their own company. A forest fire is also a wildfire, and difficult to control. Just as policemen and firemen where there is danger and everyone else leaves—they enter. Stars of the film include Josh Brolin, Miles Teller, Jeff Bridges and Taylor Kitsch. “Only The Brave” is rated R. Rating of 3 for fans.

OCTOBER 27, 2017…

Suburbicon has Matt Damon battling a home invasion.

Thank You For Your Service stars Miles Teller as a soldier coming back from war.

The Killing Of The Sacred Deer has Colin Farrell as a doctor married to Nicole Kidman.

The Square stars Elizabeth Moss (“The Handmaid’s Tale”) in a satire.

Professor Marston And The Wonder Woman is about the creator of the character of “Wonder Woman.” Stars Luke Evans.

Jigsaw and he’s back…..well, maybe.

# # # # #

WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.