October 25, 2016: Tuesday ONAIRprep

***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS – FREE TO AIR! (Need to receive this earlier than when it’s posted? Get FTP access and receive a fully-produced version FREE with a customized tag specifically for your station or show! Contact me with your ONAIRprep username for details!)

AND NOW… ON WITH THE SHOW!

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20161025

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

It was cool enough yesterday that I had to drag my leather jacket out of the closet. And, wouldn’t you know it, I’m at the mall and a lady comes up to me on the street and points out my leather jacket. ‘You know a cow was murdered for that jacket’? she says.

So I decided to have a little fun with her… “I didn’t know there were any witnesses. Now I’ll have to kill you as well.”

She didn’t think it was funny… neither did mall security.

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass. –Psalm 37:5

Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom. –Psalm 90:12

The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding. — Proverbs 9:10

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

For many years you were patient with them. By your Spirit you admonished them through your prophets. Yet they paid no attention, so you handed them over to the neighboring peoples. — Nehemiah 9:30

Thought: God has spoken repeatedly to his people through the prophets who spoke as they were inspired by the Holy Spirit of God. But so often, these people ignored their voice and abandoned their God. Let’s not let the same thing be said of us!

Prayer: Sovereign LORD and Abba Father, I praise you! Please never let me ever outlive my love for you or my heart’s desire to be obedient and pleasing to you! In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

Hebrews 10:25 NIV = Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.

TODAY IS TUESDAY – OCTOBER 25, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
62 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is NATIONAL GREASY FOODS DAY. ***Is there any other kind?

This is PEACE, FRIENDSHIP AND GOOD WILL WEEK.  ***Which means that next week we can go back to being warmongering and bent on destroying the world.

Today is PUNK FOR A DAY DAY, a special day for all punk pretenders, sometimes called punkocrits. ***So does that make hippo wannabees “hippocrits”?

Today is CARTOONISTS AGAINST CRIME DAY.  ***And thank goodness. I’m sure we all feel safer in our beds at night knowing Dilbert is looking out for us.

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Chucky, The Notorious Killer Doll Day

International Artists Day

Sourest Day

World Pasta Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below.)

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 26

Howl At The Moon Night

Intersex Awareness Day

Mule Day

National Day of the Deployed

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 27

Cranky Co-Workers Day

Navy Day

World Day for Audiovisual Heritage

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 28

Champagne Day

International Bandana Day

National Breadsticks Day

National Chocolate Day

St. Jude’s Day

Frankenstein Friday

SATURDAY OCTOBER 29

Internet Day

National Cat Day

World Psoriasis Day

National Forgiveness Day

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 30

Checklist Day

Create a Great Funeral Day

Devil’s Night/Mischief Night

Haunted Refrigerator Night

National Candy Corn Day

Reformation Sunday

Visit a Cemetery Day

MONDAY, OCTOBER 31

Beggar’s Night

Books for Treats Day

Day of the Seven Billion

Girl Scout Founder’s Day

Halloween/All Hallows Eve

National Caramel Apple Day

National Knock-Knock Jokes Day

National Magic Day

National UNICEF Day

Samhain

World Cities Day

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 01

All Saints’ Day

Autistic Speaking Day

Hockey Mask Day ***Shouldn’t this be reserved for a Friday the 13TH?

Dia de Los Muertos (Day Of The Dead)

Extra Mile Day

Give Up Your Shoulds Day

National Authors Day

National Family Caregiver Day

National Family Literacy Day

National Go Cook For Your Pets Day

Prime Meridian Day

World Vegan Day

ON THIS DAY

1921: Bat Masterson died at age 68. He served two years as city marshall of Dodge City, Kansas, and two years as a deputy U.S. Marshall, but spent most of his life as a professional gambler and New York City sports writer. ***Huh?!? What about all his adventures fighting the Joker, and Catwoman with his sidekick, Robin?

1960: The first electronic wristwatch, the Bulova Accutron, went on sale in New York City. ***Thus began the “I’m late because my watch battery died” excuse that is now a staple in all busy offices.

1979: A black and beige collie named Jessie was elected homecoming queen at Tarleton State University in Texas. ***You know it’s time to relocate when nobody can tell the difference between the most popular girl in school and dog!

1991: 33-year-old Jack Feeser set the unofficial world car kissing record in Hanover, Pennsylvania. Feeser kissed a $15,000 Geo Storm for 145 hours 14 minutes, and won the car from an auto dealer. Another 100 car lovers already had kissed off. ***Later it was discovered he’d got his braces caught in the grill.

1998: A Danish man said goodbye to his 86-year-old father by taking his corpse for a motorcycle ride, and stopping at a bar for a beer and a cigar. Flemming Pedersen asked to be left alone with his dad, dressed the corpse in leather, a helmet, boots, and dark glasses, strapped it to his Harley-Davidson, and rode around Copenhagen for three hours to his father’s favorite places. He said he felt good about the ride.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1147: The armies of the Second Crusade (1147-49) were destroyed by the Saracens at Dorylaeum (in modern Turkey). The Crusaders went on with fruitless campaigns against Damascus, Syria.

1564: Birth of Hans Leo Hassler, sacred composer. The first notable German musician educated in Italy, Hassler left a rich musical legacy, including the hymn tune PASSION CHORALE, to which the Church now sings, “O Sacred Head, Now Wounded.”

1800: Birth of Jacque Paul Migne, French theological publisher. Establishing his own press in 1836, Migne published a voluminous collection of writings by the ancient Greek and Latin fathers (161 vols: “Patrologia Graecae”; 221 vols: “Patrologia Latinae”) during his remaining 39 years.

1921: Franklin Small, 48, and a group of dissatisfied members of the Pentecostal Assemblies of Canada, obtained a Dominion charter to establish the Apostolic Church of Pentecost of Canada. In 1953, this group merged with the Evangelical Churches of Pentecost, whose major congregations are located today in the Canadian prairie provinces.

1941: The first Youth For Christ rally was held at Bryant’s Alliance Tabernacle in New York City. An international evangelical youth organization, YFC has no single founder, but rather emerged out of weekly rallies held for the youth of New York City during the 1930s.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actress (The Perfect Husband, The Perfect Tenant, Perfect Game, The Perfect Nanny, Meredith Parker on “Melrose Place”) Tracy Nelson 53 (audio clip)

  • actor (Ben Dryer on “West Wing”, Mr. Alderman on “Nip/Tuck”) Brian Kerwin 67 (audio clip)

  • coach Bobby Knight 76

  • actress (Mrs. Cunningham on “Happy Days”) Marion Ross 86 (audio clip)

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1912 : Minnie Pearl

1924 : Earl Palmer

1926 : Jimmy Heath

1937 : Jeanne Black

1941 : Helen Reddy

1943 : Dick Dodd (Standells)

1944 : Taffy Danoff (The Starland Vocal band)

1944 : Jon Anderson (Yes)

1947 : John Hall (Orleans, The Equals)

1949 : Glen Tipton (Judas Priest)

1950 : Chris Norman

1955 : Matthias Jabs (Scorpions)

1960 : Christina Amphlett (Divinyls)

1962 : Chad Smith (Red Hot Chili Peppers)

1963 : John Leven (Europe)

1968 : Speech (Arrested Development)

1970 : Ed Robertson (Barenaked Ladies)

1981 : Jermome Jones (Immature)

1984 : Katy Perry

1985 : Ciara

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Did you know that our moon actually has a name?

The earth’s satellite is the moon named Luna. Here are a few facts about this object that graces the earth’s night skies. The earth is 2,159 miles in diameter. It has a circumference of 6,790 miles. The moon is 27% of the size of the earth.  The moon’s orbit is elliptical. The distance of the moon from the earth varies from 221,463 miles at perigee (the closest point to earth) to 251,968 miles at apogee (the furthest point from earth). The orbit of the moon about earth also demonstrates capture rotation. Capture rotation is a combination of two motions where the rotation of the moon takes exactly the same length of time as the time it takes to revolve around the earth. With the rotation and revolution of the moon equal in time – the same side of the moon always faces the earth. The other side (dark side) of the moon never faces the earth and can never be seen from earth.

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving three days a week from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

Switchfoot pulled off one of the best-kept surprises of Christian music in recent years and released a new live album on Friday. According to New Release Today, Fans had previously been given no indication that the band was planning such a release. It’s titled “Live in Chicago: The Looking for America Tour” and the release marks Switchfoot’s first major live album in 7 years. The concert experience features cuts from their new album Where The Light Shines Through as well as several of the band’s signature classics. http://nrt.cc/SwitchfootLiveAlbum16

The movie “I’m Not Ashamed” hit theaters over the weekend. It tells the story of Rachel Scott, a victim of the Columbine school shootings, as taken from her diary. Now Jeremy Camp has released a music video for the title track from the movie, I’m Not Ashamed, complete with clips from the movie. Check out the music video at http://bit.ly/2dGYzo5

Sidewalk Prophets frontman Dave Fry should be getting his fill of sports. He shared a picture on Instagram as he attended an Indianapolis Colts football game Sunday afternoon. In another photo he also showed pictures of His World Series Chicago Cubs baseball tickets. The Cubs kick off the World Series on Tuesday. Dave added: Never thought I’d see the day! Going to be a great series! Go Cubs!

Francesca Battistelli is taking to social media for some help in finding a new truck. She recently posted on Instagram that she and her husband are looking for a new Ram after selling their old one to a family member. Francesca said they both hate the car buying process so she figured it was worth asking if any of those who follow her on the social media site happen to work with Ram and wanted to help them find the best deal while avoiding as much pain as possible when searching for a new one.  ***Being a celebrity has its perks! https://www.instagram.com/p/BL1j_QZDzoy/

Hawk Nelson’s Jon Steingard is finally getting back on his feet. He reported over the weekend: Slept 11 hours and feeling so much better. I don’t get sick much and when I do it’s not usually too bad. However, Jon says this one was the exception.

Good news for Jason Gray. He posted: so last week I left my MacBook in the seat back pocket of my WestJet flight from Canada. Jason added: thanks for the honest person who turned it in and to WestJet for tracking me down and making sure I got it back.

Natalie Grant made an important stop before heading out on tour over the weekend. She posted: I’m heading to the airport to go out of town but I just HAD to make a stop before I went…lunch at school with my girlies. Natalie added the hash tags: #whatmattersmost #familyiseverything https://www.instagram.com/p/BL1RQTBBy6x/

MercyMe front man Bart Millard says the fans at Wrigley Field were incredibly nice but he wasn’t taking any chances. He attended the Cubs Dodgers game over the weekend and saw the Cubs win the national league championship. However, he was there as a guest of one of the Dodgers players, so was wearing a Dodgers hat and shirt. When the crowd went crazy after the Cubs victory Bart posted a video quietly removing his Dodgers cap. With the mob going crazy he said: I wasn’t going to take my chances. https://www.instagram.com/p/BL5cOoRj_KD/

The Afters new song Battles was featured during an NFL football broadcast over the weekend. CBS played the song during this Bengals-Browns game.

The Afters have found their place in God’s plan. They posted this description of the band over the weekend: Just 4 great friends traveling the world and sharing hope through music! https://www.instagram.com/p/BL327kkgv4m/

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. As on ONAIRprep subscriber, you can get a fully-produced, customized version of the Daily Dose of Weird News FREE with a station or show specific tag! Email darren@onairprep.com for details!)

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

According to a study, about one in six cellphones in the United Kingdom have tested positive for traces of E. coli bacteria from fecal matter.  ***Do you British people not have toilet paper yet?

After Angry Birds earned more than $300 million at the box office, it was only a matter of time before other studios decided to jump on the bandwagon to adapt mobile phone games. The next one? Fruit Ninja. The mobile game lets its users slice fruit in half with a swipe of the finger. The plot will “revolve around a team of misfits who are recruited to become Fruit Ninjas in order to save the world.”  ***When is the next end-of-the-world prediction?  Somebody let me know… I want to start rooting that it’ll actually happen this time.

Doctors in China became exterminators recently when a 17-year-old girl said she woke up during the night to scratching sounds that seemed to be coming from inside her head. Doctors were shocked to discover a small cockroach living in her ear.  ***Think of that when you go to bed tonight… sweet dreams… don’t let the bed bugs bite!

A new study published in the American Journal of Preventive Medicine found that sitting for more than three hours per day is responsible for 3.8% — or approximately 433,000 — of all deaths worldwide every year. Researchers looked at data collected from 54 countries between 2002 and 2011 and found more than 60% of the world’s population sits for more than three hours per day, with the average being approximately 4.7 hours. Researchers found that eliminating sitting could increase overall life expectancy by 0.2 years, while reducing daily sitting time by two hours could decrease an individual’s mortality by 2.4%. ***So… according to this study… I should be dead by now.

Kemper County, Missouri, has officially banned clowns until after Halloween. It is officially unlawful for any person of any age to appear in public in Kemper County in a clown costume, clown mask or clown makeup, punishable by a fine of up to $150. ***All this is going to do is encourage the creepy clown jerks to come up with something new.  Next week we’ll all be creeped out not by clowns, but my people wearing Kim Kardashian costumes.

The other day in New Jersey an 85 and 86-year-old couple got married.  ***At that age, “till death do us part” isn’t that long of a commitment.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

There are all kinds of nasty things in your office coffee cup. Professor Charles P. Gerba of the University of Arizona says 90% of office coffee mugs are covered in germs. But it gets worse, because Professor Gerba says 20% of office mugs carry fecal bacteria.  ***Wow – I knew the break room’s coffee TASTED like fecal material, but I had no idea…

 If you believe the ads, good drivers get the best insurance rates. But a recent study shows auto insurers frequently charge good drivers higher premiums than those who recently caused an accident. And it appears from this research that the safe drivers who pay more are often lower income. How could this happen? The Consumer Federation of America (CFA), which conducted the study, says this reflects a common practice in the insurance industry of using factors such as education and occupation to rate risk. ***Meaning the key to good car insurance rates it to be able to afford them.

Are we suffering app overload? People download a lot of apps, but they abandon 95 percent of them, according to a study (by Nuance). Bottom line: We keep using the same apps. Facebook, YouTube, Google Play, Google Search, and Gmail were the top five apps the past couple of years.  ***Bottom of the list… the (JOCK) app.  Even I never check it.

Are you irritating to your co-workers? You are if you spend your day surfing the internet during work time, gossiping, organizing your personal life, or hitting “reply all” on your e-mails. A recent survey finds that those people are the biggest nuisances in the office.  ***The ironic thing is that we got this story from a bulk email sent to 186 people in someone’s address book.

WONDER WOMAN (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Time Clocks”

DAILY COMEDY CLIP (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Joey ILO, “Chi-Town”

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TUESDAY’S EPISODE


OPEN: When last we left the jungle, Gruffy Bear was substituting in a bowling tournament and was bowling better than he’d ever bowled before. Unfortunately, every time Gruffy bowled well, it meant the team moved to the next level… and Gruffy would have to keep canceling his checkers games with Sully. He’s already cancelled three times… will he do it to Sully again?

CLOSE: That’s not good… Gruffy is now so caught up in himself and his bowling skills that he’s about to lose a good friend. Will he snap out of it? Tune in again next time, as FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF OCTOBER 29/30

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, all of the animals were trying to sell all of their belongings to move out of the jungle and get away from a giant-footed monster, but they all bought other people’s belongings… all except Racquet the Skunk. He’s just giving stuff away! For FREE! Why do you think that is?

CLOSE: Could that be it? Could the giant-footed creature really just be a huge practical joke? Is there really no danger at all? Find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

How can banning smoking and drinking in restaurants be a Moment of Duh? 

The tiny town of Timnath, Colorado has banned smoking in restaurants in bars, which shouldn’t be too hard since Timnath currently has no restaurants or bars.  The town’s only restaurant closed earlier this year.  No matter, the city council decided to approve the ordinance anyway for the town of only 223 citizens.  According to their mayor, Donna Benson, “Now is the time to pass this ordinance before Timnath sees a rush of new businesses.”  ***MARLAR: Right – like people are lining up to open restaurants in a town of only 200 people.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU ARE A REAL MAN

1. OPENING JARS – She’s struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn’t. Jars are men’s work.

2. CALLING SOMEONE ‘SON’ – Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man.

3. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A KNIFE – Blunt, is it? Hand it here.

4. HAVING A SCAR – Ideally it’ll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. “Ooh, did it hurt?”. “Nah… I’m used to it”.

5. USING POWER TOOLS – slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while sucking a Tootsie Pop.

6. ARRIVING AT THE PARTY LATE – and everyone cheers you. It doesn’t mean you’re popular, it just means your friends are jerks. However, the rest of the party doesn’t know that.

7. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT – fat is a feminist issue. Brilliant. Now pass the meat pies.

8. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS – ideally, hardware stores would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how hard you look with any DIY item. Until then, we’ll make do with metal display shelves.

9. TAKING OUT $500 FROM THE ATM – okay, so it’s for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a gangster. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.

10. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE – unlike women, men get straight to the point. “Hey. Drink? Seven? Seeya.”

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Horses and hatchbacks just don’t belong together!

FILE #1: Police in Holland fined the driver of small hatchback car after spotting a Shetland pony crammed in the back of it. Not only did the pony have no room to move and had his head pressed against the window, he had to share the back seat with a woman who was holding it by a rope.  The cops fined the man $277.

FILE #2: An Ohio man attempted to pull a stick-up at a small bank by using his finger and thumb to represent a gun inside his jacket. Halfway through the attempted robbery, the man inadvertently pulled his hand out of his jacket revealing that he did not actually have a gun. Presumably, the bank gave him a bag that did not contain money.

FILE #3: A car thief in Sweden is in custody after trying to take a car in for servicing. Turns out he took the car to the service shop where the man he stole the car from works! The mechanic says he couldn’t believe his eyes when his stolen car pulled up at his garage. The thief realized his mistake when the real owner confronted him. He tried to run, but was arrested soon after by police. The surprised mechanic says, “I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw my car, which had been stolen two days earlier, pull up in the drive. The driver got out and casually walked into the shop and asked me to book it in for a service.”

STRANGE LAW: In Nicholas County, West Virginia no clergy members may tell jokes or humorous stories from the pulpit during church services.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

In Lawrence, Kansas, a 21-year-old man was so drunk he needed an ambulance to get home. Unfortunately, in this case, he stole said ambulance and drove it home himself! Worse — the ambulance was parked outside a business where its crew was responding to a real medical emergency. Our drunk friend led police on what was described as a brief, low-speed chase. He was arrested on charges of theft of the ambulance as well as driving under the influence.

PHONER PHUN

It’s National Greasy Foods Day… so where’s the best “greasy spoon” restaurant in town? (Make a contest out of this – you will be amazed how many nominations you get, even from the restaurants themselves who won’t mind being known as “greasy spoon” type of establishments!)

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Who cast a Spirit of Divination out of a young girl?

ANSWER: Paul (Acts 16:16-18)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: There are 28 of these in the White house.

ANSWER: Fireplaces (according to WhiteHouse.gov)

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. Hong Kong was the first city to have a population over 1 million. (False, it was Rome)

2. The #1 thing Americans say they regret wasting time doing is worrying! (Truth-according to USA Today, #2 was watching TV, #3 was commuting)

3. America was the first country to give women the right to vote. (False, it was New Zealand)

4. In over 80% of the black box recorders recovered in plane crashes, the very final word on the tape is a curse word. (Truth)

5. Of all the presidents ever elected in the U.S., only one was Catholic. (True, it was John F. Kennedy)

6. Tweety-Bird used to be a baby bird without feathers but TV censors made him have feathers because he “looked naked.” (Truth)

7. The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as figure skater’s rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast. (False)

8. Most people dream in black and white. (True… This is because that part of their brain shuts down during sleep and prevents them from seeing in color. Only a third of the population dreams in color.)

9. 53% of Americans surveyed said that the person they look to for advice the most is Ann Landers. (True… sad, but…)

10. More than 2500 left handed people are killed every year from using right-handed products. (True)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

ONE-EYED ALBINO ______ (SHARK)

MEXICO –  An extremely rare cyclops shark was recently discovered. 

The 22-inch-long fetus has a single, functioning eye at the front of its head—the hallmark of a congenital condition called cyclopia, which occurs in several animal species, including humans.

Earlier this year fisher Enrique Lucero León legally caught a pregnant dusky shark near Cerralvo Island (see map)in the Gulf of California. When León cut open his catch, he found the odd-looking male embryo along with its nine normal siblings. “He said, That’s incredible—wow,” said biologist Felipe Galván-Magaña, of the Interdisciplinary Center of Marine Sciences in La Paz, Mexico.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

One afternoon, I was in the backyard raking leaves when an old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. But when I walked into the house, he followed me, sauntered down the hall and fell asleep in a corner. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back. He resumed his position in the hallway and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: “Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.”

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: “He lives in a home with ten children – he’s trying to catch up on his sleep.”

JOKE #2

A father and son went fishing one day. After a couple hours out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, “How does this boat float?”

The father thought for a moment, then replied, “I don’t rightly know, son.”

The boy returned to his contemplation, then turned back to his father, “How do fish breath underwater?”

Once again the father replied, “Don’t rightly know, son.”

A little later the boy asked his father, “Why is the sky blue?”

Again, the father replied. “Don’t rightly know, son.”

Worried he was going to annoy his father, he says, “Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?”

“Of course not, son. If you don’t ask questions … you’ll never learn anything!”

JOKE #3

TOP FIVE DRAWBACKS OF BEING A ZOMBIE

  • Coffee doesn’t even phase you

  • Constantly being accidentally buried

  • That $300 a month habit at the tanning booth

  • Never, ever fast enough to catch a bus

  • Can’t find out how many Weight Watchers points in a serving of brains

USELESS FACTS

Men are 58% more likely to die from accidental injuries as opposed to women.  ***Ironically, 58% of those injuries to men are while trying to impress women.

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.  ***Meaning politicians will always be stronger than you (and my wife will always be stronger than me).

Redbook says you burn 50 calories by laughing for 10 to 15 minutes.  ***So listening to this show burns, what… TWO calories?

FEATURED FUNNIES

PICKUP BACKFIRE

Weary of constantly picking clothes up from the floor of her son’s room, a mother finally laid down the law: each item of clothing she had to pick up would cost her son 25 cents.

By the end of the week, he owed her $1.50. She received the money promptly, along with a 50- cent tip and a note that read,

“Thanks, Mom; keep up the good work!”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

CLEAN GETAWAY

A woman protected her store by using Windex on the would-be robbers!

A woman fought off three armed robbers by squirting them in the eyes with a cleaning solution! Julie Walsh was cleaning when the gang armed with pistols burst into her store. So she fired Fairy Liquid at the men (kinda like Windex), while ordering them to “get out”. The raiders fled the shop empty handed. She said: “I just let rip with the Fairy Liquid. I don’t think they knew what hit them. All I remember thinking is ‘I hope I don’t run out of washing up liquid’.”

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

I SHALL MEET YOU THERE

Some years ago radio evangelist Charles E. Fuller announced that he would speak the following Sunday on “Heaven”. It was to be broadcast on radio. During that week he received a letter from an old man who was very ill. Here is part of that letter:

“Next Sunday you are to talk about “Heaven”. I am interested in that land because I have held a clear title to a bit of property there for over 55 years. I did not buy it. It was given to me without money and without price. But the donor purchased it for me at a tremendous sacrifice. I am not holding it for speculation since the title is nontransferable. It is not a vacant lot. “For more than a half-century I have been sending material out of which the greatest architect and builder of the universe has been building a home for me, which will never need to be repaired because it will suit me perfectly, individually, and will never grow old.

“Termites can never undermine its foundation for it rests upon the Rock of Ages. Fire cannot destroy it. Floods cannot wash it away. No locks or bolts will ever be placed upon its doors, for no vicious person can ever enter that land where my dwelling stands, now almost completed and ready for me to enter it and abide in peace eternally without fear of being ejected.

“There is a valley of deep shadow between the place where I live in California and that to which I shall journey in a very short time. I cannot reach my home in the City of God without passing through the dark valley of shadows. But I am not afraid, because the best friend that I have ever had went through the same valley alone, a long, long, time ago and drove away all the gloom. He has stuck by me through thick and thin since we first met and became acquainted 55 years ago, and I hold His promise in printed form, never to forsake nor to leave me alone. He will be with me as I walk through the valley of shadows, and I shall not lose my way when He is with me.

“I hope to hear your sermon on “Heaven” next Sunday from my home, but I have no assurance that I shall be able to do so. My ticket to heaven has no date marked for the journey…no return coupon…and no permit for baggage. Yes, I am ready to go and may not be here while you are talking next Sunday, but I shall meet you there some day.”

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

(modified from Campus Journal)

How important are appearances? Is image everything? Hollywood says “yes”, but the Bible says, “no”.

Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart. –1 Samuel 16:7

I sat flipping through the channels and stopped at one of those entertainment shows that act as if the latest celebrity breakup should be headlining World News Tonight. A guy with blinding white teeth and a woman with an insurance policy on her legs ran a story on how Hollywood’s elite were getting ready to walk the red carpet on Oscar night. Models paraded around in gowns the nominees might wear. And they were dripping in more diamonds with more carats than I’ve ever seen. But I almost dropped the remote when they said that some actresses were having a chemical shot into their armpits so they wouldn’t sweat on Oscar night.

My first thought was, I wish my life’s biggest worry was sweat stains! My second thought was, How sad to be constantly judged on your appearance! Obsession with beauty is nothing new. Go all the way back to the book of Esther. When King Xerxes was looking for a new queen, he had only three requirements: physical beauty, youth, and virginity (2:2). And when the king’s agents found these women, they spent a whole year making them even more appealing with body oils, perfumes, and cosmetics (2:12). Esther was even given a special diet (2:9).

As a young person about to enter the workplace and the world of disposable income, you’re the target of massive advertising machines. They don’t care how you look–they just want you to spend, Spend, SPEND! They’ll tell you anything to get you to kiss your hard-earned dollar goodbye and buy into the myth that says: Success and happiness are found at the bottom of a jar of facial cream and a box of hair color. And too often they succeed.

God taught Samuel a lesson about outward appearance (1 Samuel 16:6-12). Samuel went to find the man who would succeed Saul as king. Seven brothers took their turn on the “red carpet” in front of Samuel, but it was David whom God chose, the one out herding the sheep while his brothers were showing off–the one who would become a man after God’s own heart.

Aren’t you glad that God doesn’t look at you the way the world does? Appearance, fame, and dry armpits aren’t what God cares about–He looks at your heart.

LEFTOVERS

Coming up, a lesson on one of the seven deadly sins.

Carly Sipe a student at the College of Visual Arts in St. Paul, Minnesota, was given the assignment that depicted or was based on one of the seven deadly sins. Picking “greed”, she made a 1950’s style dress out of one-dollar bills (48 of them total) held together by paper clips. Sipe said her goal was to “turn the viewer into the person with the greed. And have the greed become reality while they are standing right there and think, ‘Oh, I could take one of those dollars and no one would notice.'” Guess what? The entire dress was stolen! ***MARLAR: I guess she proved her point.

LIFE… LIVE IT

WANNA LIVE TO BE 100?

You can live to be 100 or more with tips from 25 men and women ages 101 to 126:

  • Never go to bed angry at anyone, especially yourself- or your spouse.

  • If you smoke or drink, don’t fret about it. Just be sure to eat right and get some exercise to maintain the best possible health.

  • Never, ever get on an airplane.

  • Don’t drive at night.

  • Try to do something nice for somebody else every day.

  • Don’t let others get under your skin.

  • Have lots of children and enjoy them.

  • Don’t worry needlessly about money.

  • Take time out to relax.

  • Never second-guess yourself. When you make a decision act on it- and forget it. Move on to other things.

JUST FOR FUN

SNAIL MAIL

You’ve heard the term “snail mail”… well it seems that snails really DO like mail… the TASTE of it!

Much to the dismay of the post office, snails have become hooked on the taste of saliva and glue on envelopes. Post Office officials say the creatures are crawling into post boxes for a lick. Postal staff were finding up to 30 snails at a time in the bottom of boxes in some locations. According to a post office spokesperson, “They were leaving their slime everywhere, getting into the letters, licking the paste.” ***MARLAR: Imagine that – some postal employees are SO slow that snails can actually beat them to the letters.

FUN LIST

YOU’RE WORKING TOO MUCH IF:

  • Your spouse stops in occasionally to update the photos of your kids.

  • Everyone from day shift, swing shift, and graveyard shift thinks you work their shift.

  • Your boss orders you to go home because you’re creeping everyone out.

  • The janitor dusts off you and your plants twice a week now.

  • Your kids start calling you “Uncle Daddy.”

  • You get very annoyed when some slacker lets the coffee run out at 4 a.m.!!!

  • You get five hours of sleep every day. That includes time spent napping on the freeway.

  • Even the voices in your head keep telling you they need some sleep.

  • Your 40 hour work week is met within 2 days.

  • You can always find your car in the parking lot because it’s the only one left.

  • You pick up a carton of milk on the way home and it has your picture on it.

  • Everyone else thinks 4 am is early, but you’ve taken to thinking of it as late.

  • You are at work Friday and are getting ready to leave when you look at your watch and say “Whoa, Monday already?”

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

FOUR VERY SPECIAL SECRETS


Betcha didn’t know this but there are four secrets in our world that at any given time, only two people on the planet know. The reason — to make sure these secrets stay a secret. It all makes sense when you learn what the secrets are:

  • The formula for Coca-Cola. The “only two executives have the formula at any given time” rule has been enforced for years — and so much so that the Coke folks pulled out of India because laws there would force them to give the formula to the Indian government.

  • KFC’s 11 Herbs and Spices. Pretty much ditto as Coke — and no — they’re not in India either.

  • The Farmer’s Almanac Weather Formula. Strange how the Farmer’s Almanac fairly accurately predicts the weather for a whole year in advance. Only two people know how they do it.

  • The subject of Carly Simon’s “You’re So Vain.” This has been rock trivia fodder for decades but the truth is the only two people who really know who this song is about are Carly Simon herself and Dick Ebersol, the former President of NBC. Despite being asked in virtually every interview she has ever given, Simon has never admitted who the song is about. In 2003, an auction was held on Martha’s Vineyard where one of the lots was the chance to know just who “You’re so Vain” was referring to. Dick Ebersol won with a bid of $50,000. To be fair, he’s loaded, it was for a good cause and he was also given a private performance by Carly Simon. (Cracked.com)

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

It’s not too early to start budgeting for the holidays. Tim Maurer, director of personal finance at Buckingham Asset Management, told Today.com that there are steps you can take to make sure you don’t go broke buying presents this holiday season! He suggests three budgets, for gifts, holiday expenses, and a slush fund. Check out his best tips and apps to save big this holiday season and stay stress-free.  http://www.today.com/video/how-to-budget-and-spend-wisely-this-holiday-791474243534

Last year Kyle Waring, a 28-year-old entrepreneur based in Boston, decided to start a business that sounds like a joke: selling leaves online during the fall foliage season. But in its first year, the extremely seasonable company, called ShipFoliage.com managed to sell 1,800 leaves—600 packs of three for $19.99. For the past two seasons, Waring and his wife Jessica have scoured the ground of New England picking up colorful leaves. “We collect in different states depending on the time of the season,” he says. “Most of our current leaves are from Vermont.”  ***You can read the full article at http://yhoo.it/2emuW9i.  Maybe we can do something like this in Chicagoland?  Instead of selling colorful leaves, we can send people pieces of crumbling potholed pavement!

Christian leader and psychologist Dr. James Dobson is calling on Christians to protest a California law that requires pro-life centers to tell their patients about abortion. According to wnd.com, California’s Ninth Circuit Court recently upheld the law, paving the way for it to be put into practice. The law says that 75 pregnancy centers in the state–which are state-licensed and privately funded–must educate their patients on the availability of abortion and contraception services. In response, According to Christian Headlines, Dobson posted: “I have a simple word of advice to those pastors, priests and others who run California’s crisis pregnancy centers.” “If California attempts to enforce this law, then do not comply. Make them put you in jail.” http://dlvr.it/MTtwq7

Gospel singer Carman has shared that he is now completely cancer-free, and he credits God’s healing and the prayers of supporters for his recovery. According to ChristianToday.com, In a Facebook post that included pictures, the singer wrote, “With God’s grace, coupled with your prayers and support, I won my war and today I’m 100 percent cancer-free. Carman also encourages fans to help him support others who continue to battle cancer.  http://dlvr.it/MVCFpS

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

I must apologize. I’m just not myself this week. Unfortunately, several people have called up and complimented me for that very reason.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

OCTOBER 21, 2016…

Jack Reacher: Never Go Back—Tom Cruise glides into this role of Jack Reacher, who always seems to have a bad temper.  In this film, (from novels by Lee Child) Reacher has a female partner, Susan (Cobie Smulders) and they are on the run from the bad guys. “Jack Reacher: Never Go Back” is rated R. Rating of 2 for Jack Reacher fans.

In A Valley Of Violence—Here we have a small mining town and along comes trouble in the form a guy passing through (Ethan Hawke). Sheriff John Travolta gets drawn into Hawke’s life when Hawke is challenged to a fight by James Ransone, local bully. “In A Valley Of Violence” is rated R. No rating.

Moonlight—It’s tough being a young black man in today’s society, and  Mom Naomie Harris helps in every way she can. The cast includes Trevente Rhodes, Mahershala Ali and Andre Holland. “Moonlight” is rated PG 13. No rating.

Ouija: Origin of Evil—Halloween isn’t far away, and here comes a horror film that continues in the path of the 2014 film, “Ouija.”  Oh, those game boards. This is actually a prequel to the first film and has a mother and daughter doing false seances when one becomes possessed. Stars Elizabeth Reaser, Analise Basso and Kate Siegel..  “Ouija: Origin Of Evil” is rated R. No rating.

Tyler Perry’s Boo! A Madea Halloween—Actor/Director/Producer Tyler Perry again takes on the persona of “Madea,” who can command a room at thirty paces. This time, Madea takes on Halloween while visiting her niece, Diamond White.  Nothing more need be said. Also in the cast are Bella Thorne and Andre Hall. “Tyler Perry’s Boo! A Madea Halloween” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

American Pastoral—Philip Roth wrote a novel about a man dealing with a daughter (a now grown up Dakota Fanning) and her striking, dangerous beliefs. Ewan McGregor stars (and directs) this film. What is a parent to do?  Also in the cast is Jennifer Connelly. “American Pastoral” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.

*A Note: when Dakota Fanning was a child, she was in my town promoting “Dreamer” about a race horse. I had a chance to listen to her play the piano in preparation for her participation in a piano recital when she returned to her home. She was good, well mannered and at ease with the press.

Keeping Up With The Joneses—Would you want to keep up with this Jones family of Jon Hamm and Gal Gadot? In this comedy, they are the new neighbors of Isla Fisher and Zach Galifianakis, who have free time when their kids are off to camp. Hmm. Just what is going on next door, anyway? “Keeping Up With The Joneses is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans of the stars.

A Monster Calls—A young boy (Lewis MacDougall) has much to contend with.  A family member is dying, his grandmother (Sigourney Weaver) seems uncaring, and what to do?  A large tree in the backyard comes alive to help the boy deal with these problems and others. Liam Neeson is the voice of the tree. Adapted from a novel by Patrick Ness. “A Monster Calls” is rated PG. Rating of 2 for fans of the book.

OCTOBER 28, 2016…

The Eagle Huntress, is a beautifully photographed documentary of a young Mongolism girl who wants to train eagles.

Inferno has Tom Hanks once again played Robert Langdon in the latest of the Dan Brown novels.

Rings and the traveling tape video is back just in time for Halloween.

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WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.