October 26, 2016: Wednesday ONAIRprep

***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS – FREE TO AIR! (Need to receive this earlier than when it’s posted? Get FTP access and receive a fully-produced version FREE with a customized tag specifically for your station or show! Contact me with your ONAIRprep username for details!)

AND NOW… ON WITH THE SHOW!

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20161026

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Honestly, my listeners are so marvelous to me, sometimes I feel really unworthy of being so wonderful.

Forecast for today’s show: partly comedy with widely scattered corn and a severe disc jockey itch.

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass. — Psalm 37:5

Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business and to work with your hands, just as we told you, so that your daily life may win the respect of outsiders and so that you will not be dependent on anybody. –1 Thessalonians 4:11-12

Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord. — Psalm 27:14

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

Woe to those who make unjust laws, to those who issue oppressive decrees, to deprive the poor of their rights and withhold justice from the oppressed of my people, making widows their prey and robbing the fatherless. –Isaiah 10:1-2

Thought: God wants us to be a generous and concerned people. We are not to be concerned about our “stuff” but the work of God and the needs of others, especially those who are powerless and can’t defend themselves.

Prayer: O Father of the fatherless, please increase my compassion and commitment to work for those who are forgotten, abused, disenfranchised, and pushed aside. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

1 Corinthians 10:26 NIV = for, “The earth is the Lord’s, and everything in it.”

TODAY IS WEDNESDAY – OCTOBER 26, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
61 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is ST. ELSEWHERE DAY, marking the premier of the TV show on this day in 1982. ***I was never a fan, and I was kinda glad it eventually went elsewhere. (audio clip)

Today is NATIONAL MINCEMEAT PIE DAY and MULE DAY. ***Please do not get the two confused. The last thing I want is someone to surprise me with a mule meat pie.

Today is WORKAHOLIC STOP AND SMELL SOMETHING DAY, a day for workaholics to consider what they might be missing.  ***Like mule meat pie…

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Howl At The Moon Night

Intersex Awareness Day

Mule Day

National Day of the Deployed

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below.)

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 27

Cranky Co-Workers Day

Navy Day

World Day for Audiovisual Heritage

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 28

Champagne Day

International Bandana Day

National Breadsticks Day

National Chocolate Day

St. Jude’s Day

Frankenstein Friday

SATURDAY OCTOBER 29

Internet Day

National Cat Day

World Psoriasis Day

National Forgiveness Day

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 30

Checklist Day

Create a Great Funeral Day

Devil’s Night/Mischief Night

Haunted Refrigerator Night

National Candy Corn Day

Reformation Sunday

Visit a Cemetery Day

MONDAY, OCTOBER 31

Beggar’s Night

Books for Treats Day

Day of the Seven Billion

Girl Scout Founder’s Day

Halloween/All Hallows Eve

National Caramel Apple Day

National Knock-Knock Jokes Day

National Magic Day

National UNICEF Day

Samhain

World Cities Day

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 01

All Saints’ Day

Autistic Speaking Day

Hockey Mask Day ***Shouldn’t this be reserved for a Friday the 13TH?

Dia de Los Muertos (Day Of The Dead)

Extra Mile Day

Give Up Your Shoulds Day

National Authors Day

National Family Caregiver Day

National Family Literacy Day

National Go Cook For Your Pets Day

Prime Meridian Day

World Vegan Day

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 02

All Souls Day

Cookie Monster Day

International Day to End Impunity for Crimes Against Journalists

National Traffic Professionals Day

Plan Your Epitaph Day

ON THIS DAY

1881: In the “Gunfight at the OK Corral” in Tombstone, Arizona, Wyatt Earp, his two brothers, and “Doc” Holliday shot it out with Ike Clanton’s gang. Three members of Clanton’s gang were killed; Earp’s brothers were wounded.

1984: In Loma Linda, California, a baboon’s heart was transplanted into “Baby Fae,” a newborn with a severe heart defect. Baby Fae lived 21 days with her experimental animal heart.

1991: A Key West, Florida, man, convicted of violating a noise ordinance by playing his jazz records too loud, was sentenced to two hours listening to 101 Strings.

1997: St. Vincent’s Hospital in Green Bay, Wisconsin, issued an SOS after five babies were born and they ran out of green and gold Green Bay Packer caps and booties. Volunteer knitters rushed in to keep newborns warm in Packer colors, including even Packer blankets and quilts.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1779: Anglican clergyman and hymn writer John Newton wrote in a letter: ‘The Lord is so rich that He easily can — so good that He certainly will — give His children more than He will ever take away.

1813: Birth of Henry T. Smart, English sacred organist. Though largely self-taught, Smart published many compositions, two of which are still popular as hymn tunes: LANCASHIRE (“Lead On, O King Eternal”) and REGENT SQUARE (“Angels From the Realms of Glory”).

1889: Birth of Millar Burrows, American archaeologist. Director of the American School of Oriental Research at Jerusalem 1931-32, 1947-48), Burrows’ most popular published work was “What Mean These Stones?” (1941).

1948: The Pentecostal Fellowship of North America was organized at Des Moines, Iowa. The association is comprised of 24 Pentecostal groups and meets annually to promote unity among Pentecostal Christians.

1963: One month before his death at age 65, English apologist C.S. Lewis wrote in a letter addressed to a child: ‘If you continue to love Jesus, nothing much can go wrong with you, and I hope you may always do so.’

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • Actor (Wesley/Dread Pirate Roberts in The Princess Bride, Kiss The Girls, SAW, FBI Assistant Director Brad Follmer on “The X-Files”) Cary Elwes, 54 (audio clip)

  • actor Dylan McDermott (In The Line of Fire, Runaway Jury, “Dark Blue”, Bobby Donnell on “The Practice”) 55 (audio clip)

  • Actress (Jingle All The Way, Runaway Bride, Sleepless In Seattle) Rita Wilson, 58

  • Actress (“The Love Boat’s” cruise director Julie McCoy) Lauren Tewes, 62 (audio clip)

  • Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton 69

  • actress (“Charlie’s Angels’” Kelly Garrett) Jaclyn Smith, 69 (audio clip)

  • Game show host (“Wheel of Fortune”) Pat Sajak, 70 (audio clip)

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1685 : Domenico Scarlatti

1911 : Mahalia Jackson

1913 : Charlie Barnet

1929 : Neal Mathews (Jordanaires)

1944 : Alan Henderson (Them)

1944 : Michael Piano (The Sandpipers)

1946 : Keith Hopwood (Herman’s Hermits)

1951 : Bootsy Collins

1952 : David Was (Was (Not Was))

1953 : Keith Strickland (The B-52’s)

1958 : Simon Lebon (Duran Duran)

1963 : Natalie Merchant

1967 : Keith Urban

1978 : Mark Barry (BBMak)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

What was Chef Boyardee’s real name?

His real name is Chef Boyardee. Well, sort of. There is a Chef Boyardee, although his name is not spelled that way. Hector Boiardi, an Italian immigrant, came to the United States in 1914 when he was only 17. Upon his arrival, he immediately got a job as a chef at New York’s Plaza Hotel, where his brother worked as a waiter. After moving to Cleveland, he perfected his spaghetti and meatball recipe in 1929. His customers kept asking for bottles of his pasta sauce so they could have it at home, and he obliged. He then added cheeses and pasta to the sauce. The results were so popular that he started to sell the products in area stores, and later in stores outside the area.

Why do we vote on a Tuesday?

Have you ever wondered why we vote on Tuesdays? Well, here is your answer. Years ago most residents of rural America had to travel a significant distance to the county seat in order to vote, Monday was not considered reasonable since many people would need to begin travel on Sunday. This would, of course, have conflicted with Church services and Sunday worship. Why the first Tuesday after the first Monday? Lawmakers wanted to prevent Election Day from falling on the first of November for two reasons. First, November 1st is All Saints Day, a Holy Day of Obligation for Roman Catholics. Second, most merchants were in the habit of doing their books from the preceding month on the 1st. Apparently, Congress was worried that the economic success or failure of the previous month might prove an undue influence on the vote! Now you know.

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving three days a week from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

Sara Groves has a problem. She posted: I finally got cushions and curtains for my window seat, and now the kids are constantly in there.

Britt Nicole say something is off. She posted: I just realized I’m wearing a flamingo tropical shirt with a scarf.

Jonny Diaz: If you get attacked by a bunch of clowns, remember… Go for the juggler.

Jonny Diaz: I just asked my one year-old if she knew what the word “no” means. She said, no. Now I’m confused.

Hawk Nelson’s Jon Steingard pointed out today that in Psalm 118: 24 there are no conditions. The verse says “this is the day that the Lord has made; we will rejoice and be glad in it.” Jon added: We wake up. We reach for our phone. We compare. We measure our lives against the lives of others. We wonder if we will ever measure up. How often we trade the joys in front of us for the voids of the things we don’t have?

James Mead of Kutless has a specific goal for today. He posted: I hope I’m nicer to people, more gracious to people, more compassionate towards people tomorrow than I was today. James says that’s actually his goal every day.

The members of Rend Collective say lack of space in their tour bus didn’t stop them from having tour church Sunday morning. They just pulled up some old benches and cinder blocks near the venue and met outside beside the building. https://www.instagram.com/p/BL6qWdrBiig/

The band We Are Messengers has hit the big time. They posted: You know you have made it when your face is on a cookie! That happened over the weekend during a concert stop in Marion, IL. https://www.instagram.com/p/BL1aoL_hJvH/

New Christmas music is now available from Matt Redman. The long time worship leader posted over the weekend: Happy early Christmas! My first ever Christmas album “These Christmas Lights” is out now. Excited to share with you!

Hawk Nelson’s Jon steingard was going old school this weekend. He was at the airport and posted: the Sky Lounge has a fax machine. Anyone want to fax me? 310-417-7362

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. As on ONAIRprep subscriber, you can get a fully-produced, customized version of the Daily Dose of Weird News FREE with a station or show specific tag! Email darren@onairprep.com for details!)

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

If you want to do something better — be it running the mile faster, saving more for retirement or keeping your house cleaner — just tell yourself that you can do it better. And then you likely will do it better. That’s the word from British researchers who have determined that self-talk is a highly effective motivator no matter what the task. A study found that those who used self-talk as a motivator — that is, saying “I can do better next time” — performed better than the control group in every portion of the task. The greatest improvements were seen in self-talk-outcome (telling yourself, “I can beat my best score”), self-talk-process (telling yourself, “I can react quicker this time”), imagery-outcome (imagining yourself playing the game and beating your best score), and imagery-process (imagining yourself playing and reacting quicker than last time). ***This doesn’t work on everything though – last week I told myself I would win more in the lottery, and… nothing.

A new study says that binge watching television brings couples closer together.  ***I can attest to that – my wife and I have never been more in love after watching all seven seasons of “Burn Notice”.

California requires that a vehicle have a minimum of two people for carpool lanes. Driving alone means a fine of at least $481. A man has been fined because he was using a mannequin to drive in the carpool lane.  ***Kim Cattrall has been summoned to testify as a character witness.

So you think a vote for a third party is a waste?  Don’t tell that to Iceland.  The big winners in Iceland’s election last Saturday — a political party that didn’t even exist four years ago: The Pirate Party. ***And you thought political parties here in America were taking your money… how bad must the Pirate Party be?

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

Deer collision season is back. State transportation officials are warning drivers again that the height of deer’s mating season is October and November.  ***MARLAR: Sounds like “Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer” should actually be a Halloween song.

A recent study suggests — ready for this? — missed or wrong diagnoses at the doctor’s office puts thousands of patients at risk of complications each year. That’s right, if your doctor thinks that, say, a burst appendix is just a tummy ache, you could be in trouble. ***Yep, someone spent money to study that.

Lonely?  Stop wasting so much time online. If you really want to meet someone, get a dog. It turns out that one in four dog owners have met dates while walking their dogs. A third have at least made new friends. We trust dogs’ people-meters, too. Forty percent of dog owners say they would think twice if their pets and dates didn’t get along.  ***Man’s best friend – especially if you’re looking for a date this weekend.

A survey finds that a quarter of all people who take a briefcase or something similar to work with them have got SOMETHING in it for self-defense.  *** So watch out – I’m deadly accurate with my hand-held stapler.

WONDER WOMAN (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Two Percent Milk”

DAILY COMEDY CLIP (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Scott Wood, “Babe”

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD WEDNESDAY’S EPISODE


OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!

Last time, Gruffy Bear was so caught up with his bowling skills during a tournament that he kept canceling his checkers game with Sully. In fact, he’s even waved it off as unimportant and told Sully to play with Nozzles the Elephant instead… Nozzles the elephant?

CLOSE: So Gruffy isn’t on the bowling team anymore… but he told Sully to play checkers with Nozzles the Elephant. Looks like breaking promises is catching up to Gruffy. Can he mend his friendship with Sully? We’ll find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF OCTOBER 29/30

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, all of the animals were trying to sell all of their belongings to move out of the jungle and get away from a giant-footed monster, but they all bought other people’s belongings… all except Racquet the Skunk. He’s just giving stuff away! For FREE! Why do you think that is?

CLOSE: Could that be it? Could the giant-footed creature really just be a huge practical joke? Is there really no danger at all? Find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

A judge has ordered a suburban Chicago woman to stay away from her fiancé – two weeks before their wedding.

Johnson County Judge Stephen Gerard ordered 23-year-old Rucha (ROO’-chuh) Patel not to have contact with the man after she was charged with domestic abuse causing injury. Her fiancé’s name was not released. Police says Patel drove over the man’s foot and then bit his hand when he took away her keys to prevent her from driving. It was not known why he tried to stop Patel. Patel told the judge the marriage was scheduled in two weeks.  ***MARLAR: How is this marriage still scheduled?!?!

TOP TEN

SIGNS YOU ARE BETWEEN BABY BOOMER AND GENERATION X

10. You remember when Jordache jeans with a flat-handle comb in the back pocket was cool.

9. You remember the premier of MTV–or worse yet, you remember its predecessor, “Friday Night Videos.”

8. You rode in the back of the station wagon facing the cars behind you (The WAYBACK seat).

6. You remember trying to guess which episode of “The Brady Bunch” it was by the first scene.

7. You remember Bo and Luke Duke, Daisy, Boss Hogg, or–worst of all–what Sheriff Roscoe’s full name was.

5. You’ve ever had a Dorothy Hamill haircut.

4. You learned to swim at about the same time “Jaws” came out….and still carry the emotional scars to prove it.

3. You actually believed that Mikey–famed kid on the Life cereal commercials–died after eating Pop Rocks and drinking a Coke.

2. Your parents paid $2,000 for a top-loading VCR that was almost the size of a coffee table.

1. The only way you can recite the Preamble to the Constitution is by singing it. (

)

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

A well-planned robbery does not a successful robbery make!

FILE #1: In Romania, a gang of robbers broke into a bank’s headquarters in a daring overnight raid. Daring, yes, well planned, no. Had they done their homework, the three criminals would have known the bank was moving to a new location and the building was empty.

FILE #2: When all else fails, blame your lawyer. That was the philosophy of Philip Butler who was found guilty of bribery. The problem is that Butler was his own lawyer, representing himself! The West Palm Beach, Florida, defense attorney was charged with taking more than $500,000 in bribes from a family he was representing. Unfortunately, he did a lousy job of representing himself and lost the case. But ever the lawyer, he decided to appeal the decision by blaming his lawyer, arguing that he failed to tell himself about the danger of waiving competent counsel. ***MARLAR: You have to admit that he has a point – he’s obviously proven that he’s incompetent! Maybe he can bribe himself to stay out of jail!

FILE #3: Frank Jones’ mother obviously taught him to never talk with his mouth full. Ordinarily that would be good advice, except when you’ve stuffed your mouth full of marijuana after being pulled over by the cops. In an effort to hide his stash, Frank crammed all his dope into his mouth as the officers were walking to the car. The officer noticed the smell of marijuana, saw Frank’s bulging cheeks, and busted him without Frank ever saying a word.

STRANGE LAW: If a man is wearing a striped suit, you cannot throw a knife at him in Natoma, Kansas.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

A West Virginia man once again confirmed that criminals are their own worst enemies.

The man was arrested for stealing a VCR, but said he was innocent. In court he pleaded, “I plead not guilty Judge, honestly, I didn’t steal the VCR. He gave it to me because he owed me for drugs.” The good news for the man was that he was not arrested for stealing the VCR. The bad news for him (and good news for everyone else) is that he now faces felony charges for possessing and selling drugs.

PHONER PHUN

You get a knock on the door at five in the morning from the fire department telling you to get out. You got the family and the pets out, the house is on fire, you have time to go grab one more thing: what do you grab?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Where is the swimmer’s breaststroke mentioned in the Bible?

ANSWER: Isaiah (“As he that swimmeth spreadeth forth his hands to swim” – Isaiah 25)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: How long did the shortest war in history last?

ANSWER: The war between England and Zanzibar in 1896 lasted only 38 minutes. Zanzibar surrendered 38 minutes after England attacked.

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. There are approximately ten million bricks in the Empire State Building. (True)

2. Lightning travels slower than the speed of light. (True – the lightning that we see actually goes from the ground to the sky in what is known as the “return stroke” at 1/3 the speed of light. We can’t see the initial “stepped leader” that passes from the sky to the ground.)

3. From space, the brightest man-made place is Disneyland in Anaheim, California. (False – it’s Las Vegas, Nevada)

4. Elephants truly are afraid of mice. (False – in fact, go to any zoo and chances are that the mice are living in the same quarters as the elephants. The mice eat the grain and nest in the hay that is so common to elephant habitats.)

5. The Carpenters signature song, “We’ve Only Just Begun” was written for a TV commercial. (True – it was originally part of a television commercial for a California bank. The music played in the background of a scene in which a newlywed couple had, of course, just begun their lives together. Richard Carpenter saw the commercial and sculpted it into the classic song that we know today.)

6. Actress Cheryl Ladd started her career as one of Josie and the Pussycats. (True – she was the singing voice of the character Melody on the 1970’s cartoon.)

7. Ostriches bury their heads in the sand. (False. In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of eighty years, no one reported a single case where an ostrich buried its head in the sand, or even attempted to do so.)

8. Contrary to popular belief, no alligators have ever been found in the New York City sewer system. (False – one alligator was found. The 125 pound alligator was pulled out by four boys way back in 1935.)

9. The movie “The Sound of Music” had all of the music cut out in Korea. (True. A South Korean movie theater owner decided that the movie The Sound of Music was too long. His solution was to shorten the movie by cutting out all of the musical scenes!)

10. The phrase “Often a bridesmaid but never a bride” actually comes from an advertisement for Listerine mouthwash. (True! The text was written by Milton Feasley and first appeared in 1925. The advertisement was so successful that it ran for more than ten years.)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

__________ SPOTTED IN BRAZIL (ALIENS)

BRAZIL –  Aliens from Planet Zeeba were spotted walking in the Amazon jungle.

There were numerous reports of aliens spotted in the jungles of Brazil.   Several of the aliens were caught on camera by two British tourists visiting the Mamaus region of the Amazon.

Standing just a few feet from a mesmerizing flashing light, were several children of the Amazon.

As biologically diverse as the Amazon is, scientists could not identify the creature and it did not appear to be a natural inhabitant of the Brazilian jungle or, Earth.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, “There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens.”

“How did you know that?” his mother asked.

“Daddy picked them up and looked underneath,” he replied. “I think it’s printed on the bottom.

JOKE #2

The husband and wife were playing on the ninth green when she collapsed from a heart attack.

“Please dear, I need help.” she said.

The husband ran off saying “I’ll go get some help.”

A little while later he returned, picked up his club and began to line up his shot on the green.

His wife, on the ground, raised up her head and said, “I may be dying and you’re putting?”

“Don’t worry, dear. I found a doctor on the second hole. He said he will come and help you.”

“The second hole??? When in the world is he coming???”

“I told you not to worry,” he said, practice stroking his putt …..”Everyone’s already agreed to let him play through.”

JOKE #3

TOP FIVE SIGNS YOUR DAUGHTER HAS STARTED DATING FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER

  • Switched her entire home to battery-powered candles
  • Has started wearing her hair up and added grey streaks
  • Uses the word “Woof” alot
  • Thinks stitches are attractive
  • She’s always whistling “Puttin’ on the Ritz” (
    )

USELESS FACTS

People who sleep late have more mental stamina and can outperform early risers.  ***Which means I’m only at my peak on Saturdays and Sundays.

The worst thing you can eat is any food loaded with saturated fat, or in other words, anything good. Even occasional treats like this are enough to diminish your body’s ability to defend itself against heart disease according to researchers at the University of Sydney in Australia.  ***A report from the Department of Joy Removal.

FEATURED FUNNIES

HALLOWEEN LESSONS LEARNED AT THE MOVIES

  • When it appears that you have killed the monster, never check to see if it’s really dead.

  • If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.

  • Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.

  • Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any device made from deceased companions.

  • If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.

  • Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you’re in trouble if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.

  • If you’re running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it’s still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

  • When you have the benefit of numbers, never pair off and go it alone.

  • Do not take anything from the dead.

  • As a general rule, don’t solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

  • Don’t fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you’re sure you know what you are doing.

  • Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead.

  • Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

  • If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.

  • If you’re searching for something that caused a noise and find out that it’s just the cat, leave the room immediately if you value your life.

  • If you find a town that looks deserted, it’s probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away!

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

WHAT DID YOU LEARN AT SCHOOL TODAY?

Aaron Lawton, 11, said he thought his teacher was just kidding when he told him, “If you miss an assignment, the whole class gets to deck you.”

But a month later, when the Franklin Township, N.J., sixth-grader was late on a homework assignment, math teacher Maxie Rivers allegedly lined up the students and had them take turns hitting him. “Some of the punches were hard, some were soft and some were in between,” the boy said. Rivers’ attorney said the beating was “light-hearted” and that the kids only “tapped him kiddingly,” but a doctor found multiple bruises. Hillcrest School officials suspended the teacher with pay while they investigate the incident.  ***MARLAR: That must’ve been the School of Hard Knocks.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

PRAYER EXPERIMENT

A doctor has found that people that are prayed for do better at getting pregnant.

Dr. Rogerio Lobo, chairman of the ob-gyn department at Columbia Medical School, told reporters in October that he almost withheld publishing some of his most recent findings because they were so improbable. His team found that random groups of South Korean women had almost double the success rate with in-vitro fertilization if they had been prayed for by a group of Americans than if they hadn’t been. Dr. Lobo said there was probably some variable he had not accounted for, but he could not imagine what it might be. ***MARLAR: Hmmm… let me think… could that variable be… GOD?

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

ARE YOU WEARY?

Since we have this ministry, as we have received mercy, we do not lose heart. –2 Corinthians 4:1

I read a story about a pastor of a small, rural church in Scotland. He had been forced out by his elders, who claimed they saw no fruit from his ministry. The village in which the pastor served was a difficult place. People’s hearts were cold and hostile to the truth.

During the time the pastor served, there had been no conversions and no baptisms. But he did recall one positive response to his preaching.

When the offering plate was passed during a service, a young boy placed the plate on the floor, stood up, and stepped into it. When asked to explain, he replied that he had been deeply touched by the minister’s life, and while he had no money to give he wanted to give himself wholly to God.

The boy who stepped into the plate was Bobby Moffat, who in 1817 became a pioneer missionary to South Africa. He was greatly used of God to touch many lives. And it all started with that small church and the faithful work of that unappreciated pastor.

Perhaps you see no fruit from your work for the Lord. Remain faithful! Do not lose heart, but ask God to strengthen you with His power (2 Corinthians 4:1,7). In His time and in His way, He will produce a harvest if you do not give up (Galatians 6:9). —David Roper

LEFTOVERS

LADIES & GERMS

Cold and flu season is here. Take this quiz to see how “germ-free” you are:

  • You use public restrooms. – 3 points

  • You wash your hands afterwards + 3 points

  • You open the door with your bare hand – 3 points (That is where the germs are)

  • You open the door with the paper towel you dried with then toss it. +3 points

  • Given the choice of a row of stalls you take the farthest from the door. – 3 points (that is the germiest)

  • You use the stall closest to the door. +3 points (That is the cleanest)

  • You wash your hands for at least 10 seconds under running water. -3 points

  • You wash your hands for at least 20 seconds. +3 points (minimum time under running water to kill germs)

  • You use hot water while washing your hands. -3! Points (Hot water will cause you to wash for a shorter duration, and only boiling water kills germs)

  • Showering after a workout at the gym you wear flips flops or shower shoes. +3 points

  • You do not wear shower shoes or flip flops. -3 points (Bad germs there… bad)

  • You friend brings over his new dog and he gives you a big lick / kiss. -3 points (The myth of the dogs tongue being cleaner than ours is well. A myth!)

  • You fend off the dogs kiss and settle for a pat on the head. +3 points (Statistically the dogs head has the least germs. It is the only part of his body he can’t lick!)

Your score means?

  • If you scored in the negative numbers you should head to the closest decontamination shower immediately!

  • If you scored in the positive numbers you are fairly clean and worthy of a hug!  But make sure the person you hug scored in the positive numbers first, otherwise -3!

LIFE… LIVE IT

TRICK OR TREATING SAFETY

Halloween is right around the corner! Whether you celebrate it or not, here are some safety-tips for trick-or-treaters and their parents.  The American Red Cross is offering parents some basic safety tips to enjoy a safe Halloween.

  • Always walk on the sidewalk: never in the street
  • Only cross the street at the corners
  • Don’t hide behind or cross the street between parked cars.
  • Wear light colored or reflective-type clothing to be more visible; consider using reflective tape.
  • Plan your trick-or-treat route and share it with your family
  • Have an adult escort
  • Carry a flashlight
  • Stay away from open flames and candles; many costumes can be extremely flammable
  • Only visit homes that are well-lit
  • Don’t enter a stranger’s home; accept treats at the door.
  • Use face paint for costumes rather than masks or other items that may inhibit vision
  • Be cautious of animals and stranger; dogs, cats and other animals may be startled by children in costume.
  • Have an adult inspect all treats before eating; do not eat any item if the package has been opened.

JUST FOR FUN

PLAYING COPS AND ROBBERS

A man from Germany managed to fool his wife for the past seven years on what he did for a living.

…since 1993, the man told his wife that he was a police officer, meanwhile he really worked as a railway worker. The 38-year-old man left the house each morning wearing full uniform and returned to tell his wife about cases he had worked on. He told his wife eight years ago that he was studying to be an officer. He spent long nights at home studying law until he came home proudly sporting a uniform a year later. The train worker was not satisfied just to have his wife and friends think he was a police officer. He even convinced the police in town that he was an officer from another force and was allowed to accompany a traffic patrol for a day. His deception was only discovered when he was admitted to the hospital after developing a blood clot. Police are now considering charging him with impersonating a police officer. ***MARLAR: That’s strange – when our family and friends are around my wife tells me to say I do something else for a living too.

FUN LIST

TOP FICTIONAL PRESIDENTS

A third presidential candidate has been named by the American people in a vote for Favorite On-Screen President on blockbuster.com. President David Palmer of the series “24,” played by Dennis Haysbert, was chosen in the online survey as the fantasy pick for a 2008 write-in candidate. The popular votes for best on-screen president to put on the real 2008 ballot went to:

1. President David Palmer, “24” (Dennis Haysbert) 17%

2. President Mackenzie Allen, “Commander in Chief” (Geena Davis) 16%

3. President Josiah Bartlet, “West Wing” (Martin Sheen) 16%

4. President James Marshall, “Air Force One” (Harrison Ford) 12%

5. President Thomas J. Whitmore, “Independence Day” (Bill Pullman) 12%

6. President Andrew Shepherd, “The American President” (Michael Douglas) 8%

7. President Mays Gilliam, “Head of State” (Chris Rock) 8%

8. President Tom Beck, “Deep Impact” (Morgan Freeman) 7%

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

YOUR EVIL HOME DESTROYS PHONES

Your house is a hungry smartphone monster. It turns out 51% of accidents that ruin a cell phone happen inside the home. The top five danger zones for your phone…

1. Kitchen

2. Living Room

3. Bathroom

4. Driveway

5. Bedroom

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

It’s good to know 2016 hasn’t completely killed good old American decency. In upstate New York, a couple who found nearly $10,000 in a shopping cart at a Tractor Supply Co. promptly returned the cash with absolutely no expectation of a reward. The cash — $9,800 in twenties, fifties, and hundreds was turned in to staff, then the couple finished their shopping and left without leaving their names. Store manager Jeff Weltch says they’re regular customers but otherwise he doesn’t know them. On Monday, the cash’s owner, an area restaurateur who didn’t want to be named, called Tractor Supply to claim her lost envelope. The woman had been shopping Sunday after work. She had to leave her windows down because her dogs were in the car, and she didn’t want to risk having the envelope, which contained the week’s cash receipts from her restaurant, stolen. She apparently forgot the envelope in the cart after one of her dogs peed in the car, distracting her. She later said, “I was in awe that anyone in this day and age would turn that kind of money in.”

When Jessica Hoffart’s son Lucas lost his favorite stuffed animal he calls Bear, his mom worried how the 2-year-old boy — who has autism — would cope. According to Today.com, Bear is Lucas’ safety toy; Bear plays a huge role in the boy’s routine and keeps Lucas calm when he panics. So Hoffart launched a citywide search for the lost toy and only three days later Lucas and Bear were reunited, thanks to the kindness of a stranger. Sandra Morales was walking to the grocery store with her son, Daniel, when she spotted the toy. When she saw Hoffart on the news, she immediately returned Bear to Lucas. http://on.today.com/2dZeuhj

The time of day you shower may come down to personal habits and scheduling, but there is some science behind whether there are benefits, and drawbacks, to whether you soap up before work or bed. According to Today.com, Morning showers can have a meditative effect on people by allowing them to relax and reboot. However, evening showers also have their advantages, especially for people who have a hard time unwinding from their day or getting to sleep. http://on.today.com/2dnwxzr

Ever dream of living at a mall? For the residents at Arcade Providence, that dream is a reality. According to Today.com, where once there were retail stores, now there is a 48-unit micro-loft apartment complex. It was built on the privately-accessed second and third floors of the nation’s oldest indoor shopping mall in Providence, RI. And right below them, a bustling retail area with local food restaurants and clothing boutiques.  ***I’d live there!  http://on.today.com/2eksoxG

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Whoever says “money can’t buy you happiness” should turn over their savings to me, then step back and be prepared to stand corrected! –Todd Loushine

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

OCTOBER 21, 2016…

Jack Reacher: Never Go Back—Tom Cruise glides into this role of Jack Reacher, who always seems to have a bad temper.  In this film, (from novels by Lee Child) Reacher has a female partner, Susan (Cobie Smulders) and they are on the run from the bad guys. “Jack Reacher: Never Go Back” is rated R. Rating of 2 for Jack Reacher fans.

In A Valley Of Violence—Here we have a small mining town and along comes trouble in the form a guy passing through (Ethan Hawke). Sheriff John Travolta gets drawn into Hawke’s life when Hawke is challenged to a fight by James Ransone, local bully. “In A Valley Of Violence” is rated R. No rating.

Moonlight—It’s tough being a young black man in today’s society, and  Mom Naomie Harris helps in every way she can. The cast includes Trevente Rhodes, Mahershala Ali and Andre Holland. “Moonlight” is rated PG 13. No rating.

Ouija: Origin of Evil—Halloween isn’t far away, and here comes a horror film that continues in the path of the 2014 film, “Ouija.”  Oh, those game boards. This is actually a prequel to the first film and has a mother and daughter doing false seances when one becomes possessed. Stars Elizabeth Reaser, Analise Basso and Kate Siegel..  “Ouija: Origin Of Evil” is rated R. No rating.

Tyler Perry’s Boo! A Madea Halloween—Actor/Director/Producer Tyler Perry again takes on the persona of “Madea,” who can command a room at thirty paces. This time, Madea takes on Halloween while visiting her niece, Diamond White.  Nothing more need be said. Also in the cast are Bella Thorne and Andre Hall. “Tyler Perry’s Boo! A Madea Halloween” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

American Pastoral—Philip Roth wrote a novel about a man dealing with a daughter (a now grown up Dakota Fanning) and her striking, dangerous beliefs. Ewan McGregor stars (and directs) this film. What is a parent to do?  Also in the cast is Jennifer Connelly. “American Pastoral” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.

*A Note: when Dakota Fanning was a child, she was in my town promoting “Dreamer” about a race horse. I had a chance to listen to her play the piano in preparation for her participation in a piano recital when she returned to her home. She was good, well mannered and at ease with the press.

Keeping Up With The Joneses—Would you want to keep up with this Jones family of Jon Hamm and Gal Gadot? In this comedy, they are the new neighbors of Isla Fisher and Zach Galifianakis, who have free time when their kids are off to camp. Hmm. Just what is going on next door, anyway? “Keeping Up With The Joneses is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans of the stars.

A Monster Calls—A young boy (Lewis MacDougall) has much to contend with.  A family member is dying, his grandmother (Sigourney Weaver) seems uncaring, and what to do?  A large tree in the backyard comes alive to help the boy deal with these problems and others. Liam Neeson is the voice of the tree. Adapted from a novel by Patrick Ness. “A Monster Calls” is rated PG. Rating of 2 for fans of the book.

OCTOBER 28, 2016…

The Eagle Huntress, is a beautifully photographed documentary of a young Mongolism girl who wants to train eagles.

Inferno has Tom Hanks once again played Robert Langdon in the latest of the Dan Brown novels.

Rings and the traveling tape video is back just in time for Halloween.

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WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.