October 27, 2016: Thursday ONAIRprep

***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS – FREE TO AIR! (Need to receive this earlier than when it’s posted? Get FTP access and receive a fully-produced version FREE with a customized tag specifically for your station or show! Contact me with your ONAIRprep username for details!)

AND NOW… ON WITH THE SHOW!

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20161027

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Well, fans, it finally happened. (THE JOCK SHOW) has been declared legally off the wall. You’ll have to put a warning label on your radio.

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes.” –Psalm 37:7

Nobody should seek his own good, but the good of others. –1 Corinthians 10:24

Listen to advice and accept instruction and in the end you will be wise. Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails. — Proverbs 19:20-21

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

In his arrogance the wicked man hunts down the weak, who are caught in the schemes he devises. — Psalm 10:2

Thought: God absolutely hates violence, intimidation, or any means used for the powerful to control, manipulate, or hound those who are weaker. He loathes wickedness that is based upon the strong and the mighty preying on the weak and powerless. We should, by our actions and resources, demonstrate both to the weak and the powerless that there is a God of love.

Prayer: Give me a heart, O God, that disdains the abuse of power and the misuse of wealth. Thank you, dear God, for sending Jesus to save me when I was powerless to bring about my own salvation (Romans 5:5-11). Please give me a heart like Jesus when I see others being taken advantage of. In the name of my Savior, Jesus, I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

Mark 10:27 NIV = Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God.”

TODAY IS THURSDAY – OCTOBER 27, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
60 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is CRANKY CO-WORKERS DAY. ***In honor of all the complaining and just plain cranky co-workers you have to endure all year, this is the day to let them go with it and enjoy their miseries.

Today is NATIONAL POTATO DAY. ***Kinda boring, but if you modify it and say it’s “National Boss Buys Potato Chips For The Entire Staff Day” you might not have so many cranky co-workers.

Today is BOXER SHORTS DAY.  ***And in answer to the question in your mind, the answer is, “none of your business.”

Today in BRING YOUR JACK-O-LANTERN TO WORK DAY. ***If you’re not into Halloween though, you can bring a guy named Jack and stick a candle in his mouth.

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Cranky Co-Workers Day

Navy Day

World Day for Audiovisual Heritage

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below.)

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 28

Champagne Day

International Bandana Day

National Breadsticks Day

National Chocolate Day

St. Jude’s Day

Frankenstein Friday

SATURDAY OCTOBER 29

Internet Day

National Cat Day

World Psoriasis Day

National Forgiveness Day

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 30

Checklist Day

Create a Great Funeral Day

Devil’s Night/Mischief Night

Haunted Refrigerator Night

National Candy Corn Day

Reformation Sunday

Visit a Cemetery Day

MONDAY, OCTOBER 31

Beggar’s Night

Books for Treats Day

Day of the Seven Billion

Girl Scout Founder’s Day

Halloween/All Hallows Eve

National Caramel Apple Day

National Knock-Knock Jokes Day

National Magic Day

National UNICEF Day

Samhain

World Cities Day

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 01

All Saints’ Day

Autistic Speaking Day

Hockey Mask Day ***Shouldn’t this be reserved for a Friday the 13TH?

Dia de Los Muertos (Day Of The Dead)

Extra Mile Day

Give Up Your Shoulds Day

National Authors Day

National Family Caregiver Day

National Family Literacy Day

National Go Cook For Your Pets Day

Prime Meridian Day

World Vegan Day

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 02

All Souls Day

Cookie Monster Day

International Day to End Impunity for Crimes Against Journalists

National Traffic Professionals Day

Plan Your Epitaph Day

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 03

Cliche Day

National Men Make Dinner Day (NO BBQ ALLOWED!)

Public Television Day

Sandwich Day

SOS Day

ON THIS DAY

1901: Boxer shorts were first introduced in the U.S., the same day a getaway car was used for the first time when thieves robbed a shop in Paris, France.

1941: In the Great Doughnut Debate, judges ruled that 15-year-old Hanson Gregory of Clam Cove, Maine, had invented the doughnut hole in 1847 when he punched the centers out of his mother’s fried cakes because, “the centers were never cooked done anyway.”

1947: “You Bet Your Life” debuted on ABC Radio with Groucho Marx as quizmaster and George Fenneman as Groucho’s straightman. The program continued on radio into 1959 and ran on NBC television from 1950-1961.

1954: Walt Disney’s first television program, titled “Disneyland” after his soon-to-be completed theme park, premiered on ABC.

1973: The first edition of the New International Version of the Bible was published. Over 100-million copies have been sold worldwide.

1987: A burglar broke into a house in Gilroy, California, made the bed, did the dishes, took out the trash, put dirty clothes in the hamper, and hung new curtains in the bedroom. The only thing missing was the old curtains.

1992: Low-tech Tipper Gore, campaigning for U.S. Second Lady, admitted covering the clock on her VCR with black tape so she wouldn’t have to watch it blink. ***How can that be, seeing as she married to a guy who claims he helped invent the Internet?

1995: A contract was signed that would move the Cleveland Browns to Baltimore, but it wasn’t announced until November 6th.

1998: A truck overturned in the Idaho mountains and spilled a half-million honeybees and their honey all over Interstate 90. The honey-slick highway had to be closed for two hours until it could be sanded and made safe again. No one was hurt, but state police said it was a “major mess.”

1999: A Hong Kong hospital suspended a surgeon after a patient complained he used a cellphone to talk about buying a car during the surgery. The patient said that, under only a local anaesthetic, he heard the conversation.

2002: A man in Madison, Wisconsin, was hospitalized with critical injuries after trying to kill his head lice. Police say the 26-year-old doused a towel with rubbing alcohol, put it on his head and then lit a cigarette. He suffered burns on about 50 percent of his body.

2004: The Boston Red Sox swept the St. Louis Cardinals in the World Series, winning game four 3-0. It was the Red Sox first World Series win since 1918.

2007: To stop men from urinating in public, Paris officials developed a sloping, undulating wall that sprayed urine back at anyone who peed on it. Fines of up to $600 had failed to discourage the unsightly and unsanitary habit among French men. A new sidewalk at the wall also was difficult to stand on particularly after a third beer.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1553: In Switzerland, Spanish physician Michael Servetus, 42, convicted for promulgating anti-Trinitarianism, was condemned for heresy and blasphemy, and burned at the stake in Geneva.

1771: Landing at Philadelphia, pioneer bishop Francis Asbury, 26, first arrived in America. He had been sent from England by John Wesley to oversee Methodism in the American colonies, and stayed all of his remaining 45 years, till his death in 1816.

1889: The first Lithuanian Church in America was organized in Plymouth (near Wilkes-Barre), PA. Rev. Alexander Burba was its first pastor.

1963: One month before his death at age 65, English apologist C.S. Lewis wrote in a letter: ‘Autumn is really the best of the seasons; and I’m not sure that old age isn’t the best part of life.’

1977: American missionary and apologist Francis Schaeffer wrote in a letter: ‘The unforgivable sin is not something done once and for all and which when done is without remedy. it is the constant, unremitting resistance of the gracious work of the Holy Spirit for salvation.’

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actress (Mandy Webster on “CSI: Crime Scene Investigation”, Officer Mary Franco on “NYPD Blue”) Sheeri Rappaport 39 (audio clip)

  • actress (Wild Things, Pale Rider) Carrie Snodgrass 70

  • singer (“God Bless the U.S.A.”) Lee Greenwood 74

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1782 : Niccolò Paganini

1924 : Bonnie Lou

1933 : Floyd Cramer

1942 : Lee Greenwood

1945 : Mark Ryan (Quicksilver Messenger Service)

1949 : Gary Tallent (E Street Band)

1949 : Byron Allred (The Steve Miller Band)

1951 : Kenneth K.K. Downing (Judas Priest)

1958 : Simon Le Bon (Duran Duran)

1967 : Scott Weiland (Stone Temple Pilots)

1984 : Kelly Osbourne

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

What happens to your Social Security number when you die?  Do they re-issue it?
The Social Security Administration states it does not re-assign numbers after the original holder’s death. So far, over 400 million Social Security numbers have been issued, and about six million new numbers are assigned annually. Apparently there are enough numbers left to last for several generations.

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving three days a week from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

And rough moment in security line at the airport for Britt Nicole. She opened her bottle of sparkling water and it spewed everywhere. And it got worse. Britt says all the travelers behind her had to walk through it, getting their socks wet.

Christian artist Lecrae this week shared his favorite political sign of the election season. The sign said: Dan Peyton, I’m not running for anything I just wanted a sign.  https://twitter.com/lecrae/status/790521878775332865/photo/1

Another quick bit is now available from Casting Crowns. This time Crowns member Megan Garrett talks about the last thing that made her cry. https://twitter.com/castingcrowns/status/790915865697026048/video/1

Jodi from Love and the Outcome this week shared her favorite “dark chocolate and sea salt” cookies! Check out Jodi’s baking video at https://twitter.com/i/web/status/790574031187705857

Contemporary Christian music’s newest artist, Zach Williams, is sharing the freedom he’s found in Jesus with his new song, “Chain Breaker.” According to ChristianPost.com, The former rock star walked away from a life of drugs and rock ‘n’ roll to follow God’s plan for his life and to share his newfound hope with others. Williams grew up in a Christian home where both his mother and father were heavily involved in church. But as a teenager he drifted away from the values his parents had instilled in him. After losing the division 1 basketball scholarship, Zach said: I filled that hole with more drugs and alcohol. He dropped out of college with only 30 hours left to complete a design degree, was married but then soon divorced, and took up touring with a rock band. Zach said “It really wasn’t until 2012 that I truly met Jesus and got saved. I just surrendered my life and gave Him control of everything I was doing in my life. That hole that I was trying to fill for 20 years was finally filled.

http://www.christianpost.com/news/former-rocker-zach-williams-breaks-free-destructive-lifestyle-drugs-alcohol-chain-breaker-interview-171075/

Mandisa was celebrating this week. She had her first physical in quite a few years and said that, even though she should have health problems because of her weight, she came away with a clean bill of health. Mandisa added that, after some struggles, she is back on a more healthy lifestyle and is getting her Temple back into shape.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BL_kZeuh2ta/

Hawk Nelson frontman Jon Steingard says he’s throwing his shaving cream in the trash. He posted after seeing pictures of both Chris Tomlin and Matthew West sporting a 2-day stubble. Jon said: I want to be a ruggedly handsome singer to. https://twitter.com/jonsteingard/status/791032788241625088/photo/1

7eventh Time Down is finally back. Their Twitter account was hacked over the weekend but they say they are now officially back online. Follow 7eventh Time Down on Twitter @7eventhtimedown

Jason Gray shared more pictures this week of he and his girlfriend Jaclyn. Jason said they started dating a little over a year ago and he saved the pictures until the time was right to share them. He said they were were tentative at first because they were both still healing from past relationships. Check out the pictures of Jason and Jaclyn at https://www.instagram.com/p/BL8mX98hmx8/

A little political humor from Casting Crowns Megan Garrett: Halfway through going through my emails. My “delete finger” already hurts. I can’t imagine how Hillary’s finger feels….

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. As on ONAIRprep subscriber, you can get a fully-produced, customized version of the Daily Dose of Weird News FREE with a station or show specific tag! Email darren@onairprep.com for details!)

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

Katie Holmes and Jamie Foxx are said to have ended their secret relationship. ***Although I’m reporting this to you as news, so I guess the relationship wasn’t all that secret.

Jared Fogle’s ex-wife is suing Subway, claiming that they knew about his sexual exploitation of children, but did nothing about it. ***Um… why is the ex-wife suing?  She can’t know that Subway knew about Jared, unless she also knew about Jared… at which point, shouldn’t it be Jared’s VICTIMS that are suing, not his ex-wife?  In fact, if she knew, shouldn’t his victims be suing her for not stopping her husband?!?!

Justin Timberlake took a selfie in a voting booth and posted a pic of himself Monday at the polling place. The problem is that Tennessee law prohibits voters from taking pics in the voting booths. Violators can be slapped with a 30-day jail sentence and a $50 fine. ***C’mon, Justin… you’re better than this.  It’s not like your name ends in “Bieber”.

Donald Trump said Tuesday he has no interest in a Trump TV media venture should he lose the election. Trump said, “I have no interest in Trump TV. … I have one interest, that’s on November 8th.”  ***Which makes perfect sense – because we all know the best way to show your disinterest in something is to put your name in big, bold letters on it.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

A study reported in the Archives of Family Medicine which concluded that caffeine is added to colas not for flavor but to get consumers addicted to them. ***Soft drink manufacturers say that caffeine is added to colas strictly to make them taste better, and they plan to stay up around the clock and work like crazy for weeks without a break or sleep to prove their point.

For many teachers and parents, those text abbreviations may spell the end of literacy as we know it, but a growing body of research indicates that text messages can actually help students’ ability to spell.   It may seem counterintuitive to those who wonder how hours spent slinging digital slang can’t help but translate into “lol”-peppered formal correspondence. But language experts say that no matter how dumbed-down the techno shorthand looks, the wordplay has a positive impact on students’ spelling smarts. ***Unfortunately, the language experts spelled the phrase “dumbed-down” without the letter “B”.

A British study has found that stress at the office raises your risk of heart disease, especially if you’re under 50.  Researchers found that chronically stressed workers had a 68 percent higher risk of developing heart disease.  ***In other words, work can kill you.  But don’t stress out about it.

Chocolate is better than fluoride at keeping your teeth healthy, a study at Tulane University in New Orleans has concluded. The cocoa in chocolate hardens tooth enamel and fights cavities and should be considered as a natural alternative to fluoride, which has been shrouded in controversy for decades, the researchers say. The university is now exploring ways of incorporating cocoa extract in toothpaste.  ***From now on I’m dipping my toothbrush in hot fudge and gargling with YooHoo.

WONDER WOMAN (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “X-Ray Vision”

DAILY COMEDY CLIP (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Brad Stine, “Holidays”

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THURSDAY’S EPISODE


OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, Sully the Aardvark was extremely angry at Gruffy Bear for continually breaking promises to play checkers with him. And the bowling team in the tournament, which started this whole mess, doesn’t need Gruffy anymore now either…

CLOSE: It’s good that Sully isn’t holding a grudge in all of this – and finding Nozzles to play checkers with is a great idea. But now Gruffy is really depressed about how he acted. Will he be able to make everything right again? Find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF OCTOBER 29/30

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, all of the animals were trying to sell all of their belongings to move out of the jungle and get away from a giant-footed monster, but they all bought other people’s belongings… all except Racquet the Skunk. He’s just giving stuff away! For FREE! Why do you think that is?

CLOSE: Could that be it? Could the giant-footed creature really just be a huge practical joke? Is there really no danger at all? Find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

In Romania, an unidentified man got into an argument with some of his friends and, to prove to them that he could do it, he stole a car.

He smashed the window, used a screwdriver to start the ignition and drove off down a busy road. Unfortunately, he only made it about a half a mile before crashing into a tree. He told the cops he crashed because he didn’t know the way home.  I think there might have been another problem. You see, the reason his friends didn’t think he could pull off the crime is because our guy is legally blind.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN INVENTIONS THAT DIDN’T SUCCEED

10. The water-proof towel

9. Glow in the dark sunglasses

8. Submarine screen doors

7. A book on how to read

6. A dictionary index

5. Mechanical pencil sharpeners

4. Powdered water

3. Waterproof tea bags

2. The helicopter ejector seat

1. The cordless extension cord

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

An elderly man defeats a would-be burglar!

FILE #1: Your home burglary career isn’t bound to be too promising when an 83-year-old man connected to an oxygen tank gets the drop on you. Two knife-wielding would-be robbers forced their way into the home of 83-year-old Harry Carpenter and his wife, Jackie, while they were having dinner. One of them made Harry have a seat while the other went with 80-year-old Jackie to get money from her bedroom. When Jackie pretended to faint, the intruder who was holding Harry went into the other room to see what was happening. That allowed Harry to go to the laundry room and grab his unloaded squirrel rifle. When they returned, they found themselves looking down the barrel of Harry’s rifle and fled without any money.

FILE #2: A British family was not too clear on the concept of a “real emergency”. The family in Wolverhampton, England called the 9-9-9 emergency number (the equivalent to the American 9-1-1 number) in desperate need of help. But when paramedics arrived the family’s so-called emergency was that their television had broken! A spokesperson for the ambulance company rationalized that the distraught family didn’t realize the service (the 9-9-9 number) is usually reserved for fire, police or medical emergencies.  ***MARLAR: Perhaps they should expand the service to mental health emergencies as well.

FILE #3: 64 year old Betty Richmond was arrested in December 1998 for taking her grandson to Atlanta without telling the boy’s parents, who are divorced. Richmond pleaded no contest to felony interference with child custody for keeping the boy for more than 12 hours without his parents’ consent. She was originally sentenced to 2 years in prison but it was reduced after Richmond began experiencing health problems so now she has been sentenced to a year – of quilting! Richmond has that long to make a child-themed quilt which will be raffled off to benefit a local family advocacy group.

STRANGE LAW: In Fort Madison, Iowa, firemen are required to practice for 15 minutes before attending a fire.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

The police officer of the year in Council Bluffs, Iowa has been charged with drunken driving.

Officer Terry Cozad has been on paid administrative leave since his arrest Sunday night by a Mills County sheriff’s deputy. Authorities say he refused to take an alcohol breath test. Cozad has been with the Council Bluffs police department since 1999. He was named officer of the year earlier this year.

PHONER PHUN

Adults were recently asked what candy they loved getting when they went trick-or-treating. At the top: Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups. What about it – what’s the absolute best candy to give out to those cute little boys and ghouls?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: In the Old Testament, 42,000 were killed for the incorrect pronunciation of one word. What was the word?

ANSWER: Shibboleth (Judges 12)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: Where in the world are you and in what direction are you facing if the following conditions are true? If you move to the right, it’s Saturday, July 1st. If you move to the left, it’s Sunday, July 2nd. If you move forward it’s summer, if you move backward it’s winter. Where are you?

ANSWER: You are at the intersection of the equator and the international dateline, facing north.

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. The “WD” in WD-40 stands for “Water Displacer.” (True. The name WD-40 was lifted right out chemist Norm Larsen’s laboratory notebook. Way back in 1953, he was trying to concoct an anti-corrosion formula, which worked on the basic principle of displacing water. On his 40th try, Larsen finally got it right. Hence the name WD-40. It literally means Water Displacer, 40th try.)

2. The five most stolen items in a drugstore are batteries, cosmetics, film, sunglasses, and, Preparation H. (True. Apparently people are just too embarrassed to purchase the last item. And, just in case you are curious, one of Preparation H’s main ingredients is shark liver oil. The oil not only helps shrink hemorrhoids, but will shrink any tissue. As a result, many older women in Florida use the stuff to help reduce the appearance of wrinkles!)

3. No one has yet to invent a name for the plastic things on the end of shoelaces. (False – they are called “aglets.”)

4. There is such a thing as a “Dull Men’s Hall of Fame.” (True – it’s located in Carroll, Wisconsin.)

5. Connecticut was the first state to recognize Christmas as an official holiday. (False, it was Alabama.)

6. South Carolina was the first state to have roadside picnic tables. (False – it was Michigan.)

7. No matter where you stand in Michigan, you are never more than 85 miles from a Great Lake. (True.)

8. It’s legal for the blind to hunt in the state of Michigan. (True – in 1997, Michigan became the 16th state to allow the blind to hunt.)

9. The official beverage of Ohio is potato juice. (False, it’s tomato juice.)

10. “Home on the Range” is the state song for Kansas. (True)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

WALKING _______ IN IOWA CEMETERY (DEAD)

IOWA – Lehigh’s Oak Grove Cemetery has turned into the Night of the Living Dead!

An Iowa man, and his wife went to visit her relatives in Lehigh’s  Oak Grove Cemetery and found find herself stepping onto the set of a horror film.  “There were Zombies everywhere. They were coming out of the ground!” said Laura Wilcox of Des Moines.

The Wilcox family made a run for their car, but Dan Wilcox fell on the way to the car.  Laura took off without him.  “I didn’t know what to do, there were Zombies surrounding my car,”  Wilcox told Weekly World News  through tears.  She plans to return to the cemetery later today with local authorities.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

There’s a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at the local grocery store. The manager doesn’t know what Junior’s problem is, but the boys like to tease him. They say he is two bricks short of a load, or two pickles shy of a barrel.

To prove it, sometimes the boys offer Junior his choice between a nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel, they say, because it’s bigger.

One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, the store manager got him off to one side and said, “Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don’t know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it’s bigger, or what?”

Junior said, “Well, if I took the dime, they’d quit doing it!”

JOKE #2

“I’m sorry,” said the clerk in flower shop, “we don’t have potted geraniums. Could you use African violets instead?”

Replied the customer sadly, “No, it was geraniums my wife told me to water while she was gone.”

JOKE #3

HALLOWEEN JUST ISN’T WHAT IT USED TO BE

  • Invisible man recently getting invisible hair transplants
  • Headless Horseman now driving a hybrid
  • To make ends meet, Freddy Kruger now working at Benihana’s
  • Dracula now insisting all of his victims first get a blood test
  • Wolfman constantly mistaken for Wolverine

USELESS FACTS

It’s likely that we are all descendants of the Pharaohs. ***So feel free to continue demanding the world treat you like a princess.

A teenager in Somerset, England, invented a cell phone charger that’s powered by his hamster’s exercise wheel.  ***Yeah, my cell provider suggested I do the same thing.

FEATURED FUNNIES

ALLL-EEE-OOP!

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse’s trainer meets him before the race and says, “All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, ‘ALLLLEEE OOOP!’ really loudly in the horse’s ear. Providing you do that, you’ll be fine.”

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer’s ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers ‘Aleeee ooop’ in the horse’s ear. The same thing happens–the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, “It’s no good, I’ll have to do it,” and yells, “ALLLEEE OOOP!” really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.

The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, “Nothing is wrong with me – it’s this horse. What is he – deaf or something?”

The trainer replies, “Deaf?? DEAF?? He’s not deaf–he’s BLIND!”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

GOING TO THE DOGS
Like most men, David Allison picked his best friend to be the best man at his wedding.

…the difference is, David best man was “man’s best friend”. That’s right, he picked his pet dog. David’s dog Murphy, a boxer was dressed in a bow-tie and kilt for the ceremony. The dog obviously plays a big role in the life of David. The hairdresser also named his shop after his dog: “Murphy – Hair of the Dog”. No word on how his bride felt about the whole dog-thing. She reportedly is allergic.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

Galatians 2: 16. Man is not justified by the works of the Law but through faith in Christ Jesus.
There is nothing more sure than this: Refusing to take hold of Christ by faith robs us of our comfort and the assurance of our salvation. Moreover, when anyone replaces the redemptive act of the Cross of Calvary, with their own presumption of salvation, Christ becomes a curse to them.
“The more we labor to get grace, the less we know how to take hold of Christ. The more He is unknown by faith, the more we cannot expect to receive counsel, help, or comfort, even though we may die in the attempt.” –Martin Luther

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

ADDICTED?

Face it. You’re addicted. You try to tell yourself you’re okay. That you can handle it. That you can stop anytime you want. You make vows. You make pacts with yourself. You even tell God that you won’t do it anymore. But then there’s nobody around. The computer is on. The Internet is just a couple of clicks away, and you can get into those Web sites without anybody knowing. So you forget what you told yourself. You ignore God’s promptings. You tune in and turn on to those pornographic sites you “accidentally found.” Even as you do, you cook up all your excuses–just in case you get caught. After you are through getting your thrills, you hate yourself again, just like before. You fear what you’ve heard–that someone can trace your steps on the computer and discover where you’ve been. Again you beg God to forgive you. Again you wonder how to stop.

You are not alone. Whether anyone else admits it or not, you can be assured that among your friends are others who are addicted to any number of destructive activities. It could be an illegal substance. It could be alcohol. It could be gambling. It could be nicotine. It could be other forms of media. Addictions of one form or another afflict many Christians.

What can be done if you are stuck in the unrelenting grasp of an addiction? You can go on hiding, letting yourself miss the joy of forgiveness and God’s understanding heart–or you can do something about it.

First, recognize that you are not alone. Even the apostle Paul spoke of the struggle with doing things he knew he shouldn’t do (Romans 7:18-19).

Second, realize that you are a slave to whatever you serve (Romans 6:16).

Third, understand that Christ’s gift of salvation is our ticket out of sin’s clutches (Romans 6:6).

To take advantage of that, you need to make a couple of decisions. One, don’t let sin reign (Romans 6:12). Keep it away at all costs. And two, refuse to use your body for sin (6:13). You need to see yourself as a holy dwelling place of God’s Spirit.

The next time the urge hits to follow your addiction, follow this 3-step plan, and you won’t give in to the addiction. Sometimes the addict is the last to know it.

LEFTOVERS

GREEN BIBLE

Is God, “green?”

A new Bible in stores is boasting soy-based ink and partly recycled paper.  Appropriately called The Green Bible, the book indexes all references to animals, land and water. It also highlights in green ink all verses of the New Revised Standard Version that speak to stewardship of the planet. Publisher Harper Collins says the Bible contains 1,000 references to the planet, more than twice as many as references to heaven.

LIFE… LIVE IT

HAVING A FAMILY ARGUMENT? GO TO THE KITCHEN!

The best place in the house to talk over family problems is in the kitchen. Experts say it’s the one room where everyone relaxes. It’s the heart of the home and it gives us a sense of security. Other rooms in the house have too many distractions. In the living room or family room there could be a battle over what to watch on TV, which causes barriers to rise and prevents open discussion.  ***MARLAR: I don’t know… sometimes I find a full refrigerator to be quite a distraction.

JUST FOR FUN

BEFORE THERE WAS QVC, THERE WAS RON POPEIL

Ron Popeil was an inventor who became a multimillionaire by pitching labor-saving, albeit unusual, devices on TV. But wait . . . there’s more! Here are some of Ron Popeil’s famous and infamous products – ever buy one?

  • VEG-O-MATIC – The Chop-O-Matic was introduced in the mid-1950s at the amazing low price of $3.98. Ron renamed it the Veg-O-Matic and pitched it as “the greatest kitchen appliance ever made. . . .”

  • POCKET FISHERMAN – “the biggest fishing invention since the hook . . . and still only $19.95.”

  • MR. MICROPHONE – Launched in 1978, Mr. Microphone was a low-power FM modulator that turned radios into annoying precursors of the karaoke machine.

  • SMOKELESS ASHTRAY – The Smokeless Ashtray was a tiny device that promised to suck up the smoke coming from cigars and cigarettes before it filled the room, and in the 1970s, Ron sold more than a million of these contraptions at $19.95 each.

  • INSIDE-THE-SHELL EGG SCRAMBLER – Not one of Popeil’s best sellers, but here’s how it works: A bent pin pierces the eggshell, rotates inside it, and creates perfectly scrambled eggs and yolk-free hard-boiled eggs.

  • DIAL-O-MATIC – If the Chop-O-Matic and Veg-O-Matic don’t cut veggies small enough that the kids can’t recognize them, the Dial-O-Matic will. This food slicer debuted in the mid-1950s, preceding the modern food processor, and at the original price of $3, took a much smaller slice out of the family budget.

  • AUTOMATIC PASTA MAKER – This gadget allows you to make 12 different shapes of preservative-free homemade pasta in just five minutes!

  • GLH FORMULA NUMBER 9 HAIR SYSTEM – Got a bald spot? Ron Popeil can fix it with the GLH Formula Number 9 Hair System. Great Looking Hair isn’t real hair but a spray that matches your hair color, thickens thinning hair, and covers bald spots.  Yep – it was spray paint to make it look like you had hair.

  • SHOWTIME ROTISSERIE AND BBQ OVEN – Introduced in 1998, the Showtime Rotisserie and BBQ Oven is by far Popeil’s most successful product to date. He has sold seven million units in three different models: the $99.95 Compact Rotisserie, the $159.80 Standard Rotisserie, and the $209.75 Pro Rotisserie.

  • ELECTRIC FOOD DEHYDRATOR – Introduced in 1965 at $59.95, Popeil called it “the most famous food dehydrator in the world!”

  • SOLID FLAVOR INJECTOR – Resembling a syringe with a large plastic “needle,” this gadget is used to inject fillings such as dried fruit, small vegetables, nuts, chocolate chips, and candy into foods such as hams, roasts, cupcakes, and pastries.

FUN LIST

ACTUAL WARNING LABELS

  • On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.

  • On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

  • On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.

  • On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost.

  • On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert: Do not turn upside down. (printed on bottom of the box)

  • On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating.

  • On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.

  • On Boot’s Children’s cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery.

  • On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness.

  • On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning keep out of children.

  • On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.

  • On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use.

  • On Sainsbury’s peanuts: Warning: contains nuts.

  • On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

  • On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.

  • On a child’s superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

According to the experts, surfing the web at work for non-work reasons really isn’t all that bad.

Not all employees browsing sports scores or news updates should feel guilty. A new survey by The Creative Group has found that 57% of advertising and marketing executives polled said it’s OK for employees to visit non-work-related Web sites during business hours. When asked the maximum amount of time that should be permissible each day, the average response was 32 minutes.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

When Stephanie Jaegers decided she had to go to the hospital she thought she might have kidney stones. Instead, doctors told her she was, in fact, about 38 weeks and two days pregnant. At 37, the mother of two boys and a girl thought she was done having babies. She hadn’t experienced morning sickness. Her stomach was bulging a little bit, but it wasn’t big. And her weight had fluctuated by only a few pounds over the last months. In fact, doctors said she was already in labor. Shaun Jude Jaegers was born at 3:50 a.m. last Wednesday, almost six hours after his mother arrived at the hospital, and about three hours after his parents found out he even existed.  http://wapo.st/2eG2Fgk

When life hands you lemons … squeeze ’em, sell ’em and save for your dream pet! According to Today.com, Sabastian Lucas of Queensland, Australia, worked a lemonade stand for two years in the hopes of saving up to buy his own pony. And get this … he actually did it. After watching him save a total of $3,000 over two years, Kent and her husband, Aaron Lucas, decided it was time to reward Sabastian’s hard work. Sabastian had always wanted a horse “that looked like a unicorn”: white with a long mane and tail. So when Kent found Tom Boy, a horse that fit that exact description, it seemed meant to be. http://on.today.com/2eSEyxs

A boy whom doctors said would be born with severe medical conditions and had little chance of surviving not only lived, but now, four years later, is actually thriving. When she was pregnant, doctors told Shelly Wall that her the baby had many health problems, including chromosome abnormalities and spina bifida. Wall and her husband were counseled to abort the baby, but they refused. Doctors did surgery to address the hole in the back of Noah’s head. They also inserted a tube to drain the excess fluid. They now say Noah’s brain is “almost back to normal.” http://dlvr.it/MWsNPn

The site that ancient tradition holds is where Moses saw the Promised Land before dying has reopened to the public. The Memorial of Moses on Mount Nebo in Jordan is now open again, after being closed for nearly 10 years for restoration. A church and monastery are located at the site, on top of the 3,300-foot mountain facing the northern end of the Dead Sea.  http://go.cbn.com/13720

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

It’s usually a good idea to choose your role models from sources outside of the cartoon network.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

OCTOBER 21, 2016…

Jack Reacher: Never Go Back—Tom Cruise glides into this role of Jack Reacher, who always seems to have a bad temper.  In this film, (from novels by Lee Child) Reacher has a female partner, Susan (Cobie Smulders) and they are on the run from the bad guys. “Jack Reacher: Never Go Back” is rated R. Rating of 2 for Jack Reacher fans.

In A Valley Of Violence—Here we have a small mining town and along comes trouble in the form a guy passing through (Ethan Hawke). Sheriff John Travolta gets drawn into Hawke’s life when Hawke is challenged to a fight by James Ransone, local bully. “In A Valley Of Violence” is rated R. No rating.

Moonlight—It’s tough being a young black man in today’s society, and  Mom Naomie Harris helps in every way she can. The cast includes Trevente Rhodes, Mahershala Ali and Andre Holland. “Moonlight” is rated PG 13. No rating.

Ouija: Origin of Evil—Halloween isn’t far away, and here comes a horror film that continues in the path of the 2014 film, “Ouija.”  Oh, those game boards. This is actually a prequel to the first film and has a mother and daughter doing false seances when one becomes possessed. Stars Elizabeth Reaser, Analise Basso and Kate Siegel..  “Ouija: Origin Of Evil” is rated R. No rating.

Tyler Perry’s Boo! A Madea Halloween—Actor/Director/Producer Tyler Perry again takes on the persona of “Madea,” who can command a room at thirty paces. This time, Madea takes on Halloween while visiting her niece, Diamond White.  Nothing more need be said. Also in the cast are Bella Thorne and Andre Hall. “Tyler Perry’s Boo! A Madea Halloween” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

American Pastoral—Philip Roth wrote a novel about a man dealing with a daughter (a now grown up Dakota Fanning) and her striking, dangerous beliefs. Ewan McGregor stars (and directs) this film. What is a parent to do?  Also in the cast is Jennifer Connelly. “American Pastoral” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.

*A Note: when Dakota Fanning was a child, she was in my town promoting “Dreamer” about a race horse. I had a chance to listen to her play the piano in preparation for her participation in a piano recital when she returned to her home. She was good, well mannered and at ease with the press.

Keeping Up With The Joneses—Would you want to keep up with this Jones family of Jon Hamm and Gal Gadot? In this comedy, they are the new neighbors of Isla Fisher and Zach Galifianakis, who have free time when their kids are off to camp. Hmm. Just what is going on next door, anyway? “Keeping Up With The Joneses is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans of the stars.

A Monster Calls—A young boy (Lewis MacDougall) has much to contend with.  A family member is dying, his grandmother (Sigourney Weaver) seems uncaring, and what to do?  A large tree in the backyard comes alive to help the boy deal with these problems and others. Liam Neeson is the voice of the tree. Adapted from a novel by Patrick Ness. “A Monster Calls” is rated PG. Rating of 2 for fans of the book.

OCTOBER 28, 2016…

The Eagle Huntress, is a beautifully photographed documentary of a young Mongolism girl who wants to train eagles.

Inferno has Tom Hanks once again played Robert Langdon in the latest of the Dan Brown novels.

Rings and the traveling tape video is back just in time for Halloween.

# # # # #

WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.