October 28, 2015: Wednesday ONAIRprep

***RADIO ISN’T DEAD – From RadioIsntDead.com

***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS – FREE TO AIR! (Contact me to sign up!)

***CREATION MOMENTS MINUTE – FREE TO AIR! (Contact me to sign up!)

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20151028

 

 

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

I was kinda depressed yesterday, but I feel 100% better today. It’s amazing what a new box of crayons can do.

 

 

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“Your word I have written in my heart, that I might not sin against You.” –Psalm 119:11

 

I will refresh the weary and satisfy the faint. –Jeremiah 31:25

 

 

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

The word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. — Hebrews 4:12

 

Thought: How often do you let God do major surgery on your spirit as his Spirit uses the Word to encourage, judge, motivate, convict, instruct, and inspire? With such a great tool so readily at hand for most of us, let’s not let a day go by that we don’t let God use his word on hearts.

 

Prayer: Almighty God, your will is my heart’s desire. But I realize that I need to be fed more consistently by your Word revealed in Scripture. Give me strength and consistency in my walk with you through your Word. Through your Spirit, inspire me to change what needs to be changed and to be blessed and encouraged in the areas that I need it most. I turn to you and trust in your Word to point me in the way of life. I pray in the name of your ultimate Word, Jesus of Nazareth. Amen.

 

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

 

 

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

John 10:28 NIV = I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand.

 

 

TODAY IS WEDNESDAY – OCTOBER 28, 2015

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 58 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.  

 

Today is PART YOUR HAIR CROOKED JUST TO SEE IF ANYONE WILL SAY ANYTHING ABOUT IT DAY. ***MARLAR: Well, do you? You’ve not said anything about my hair yet.

 

Today is NATIONAL CHOCOLATE DAY.  ***MARLAR: Have you noticed that “Chocolate” ends up in these holidays a LOT?  Is it not enough that we’re going to have gobs of chocolate for Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year’s?  Do we also have to push chocolate NOW?  Who’s in charge of putting the holiday list together anyway, Clearasil?

 

 

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

St. Jude’s Day

 

 

COMING UP NEXT

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 29

Internet Day

National Cat Day

World Psoriasis Day

 

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 30

Checklist Day

Create a Great Funeral Day

Devil’s Night / Mischief Night

Frankenstein Friday

Haunted Refrigerator Night

International Bandanna Day

National Breadsticks Day

National Candy Corn Day

 

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 31

Beggars’ Night

Books For Treats Day

Day of the Seven Billion

Girl Scout Founder’s Day

Halloween (All Hallows Eve)

National Caramel Apple Day

National Forgiveness Day

National Knock-Knock Jokes Day

National Magic Day

Samhain

 

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 01

All Saints Day

Hockey Mask Day

Day of the Dead (Dia de Los Muertos)

Extra Mile Day

Give Up Your Shoulds Day

National Authors Day

National Family Caregiver Day

National Family Literacy Day

National Go Cook For Your Pets Day

Prime Meridian Day

Day Saving Time Ends (Turn Clocks Back One Hour)

World Vegan Day

 

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 02

All Souls Day

Cookie Monster Day

Fill Our Staplers Day

Job Action Day

International Day to End Impunity for Crimes Against Journalists

Plan Your Epitaph Day

 

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 03

Cliché Day

Election Day

Sandwich Day

SOS Day

Traffic Directors Day

 

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 04

National Chicken Lady Day

National Candy Day

Use Your Common Sense Day

 

 

ON THIS DAY

1886: The Statue of Liberty, a gift from the people of France, was dedicated in New York Harbor by President Grover Cleveland.

 

1965: The Gateway Arch was completed in St. Louis. It’s 630 feet high.

 

1974: 51-million viewers attended the TV wedding of Rhoda Morgenstern and wrecking company owner Joe Gerard. For years, Rhoda had searched unsuccessfully for a husband on “The Mary Tyler Moore Show” in Minneapolis, but found one almost immediately on her own series in New York.

 

1991: J.C.-001 set the world rap speed record on BBC-5 in London by rapping 631 syllables in 60 seconds.

 

1989: Michael Grubbs was crowned homecoming king at Rice University in Houston. The year before he had been elected homecoming queen and is the only person to have held both titles. In past years Rice students elected a dog and a refrigerator as homecoming queens.

 

1992: Disney released “Beauty and the Beast” on video and sold seven million the first week. By December it was the best selling video of all time.

 

1995: Workers began delivering 200 port-o-potties to downtown Beijing to ease a critical shortage of public toilets in the Chinese capital.

 

1999: Joseph Tiffany of Littleton, Colorado, was wounded during a hunting trip near Grants, Nebraska, when his golden retriever Samson shot him in the foot. Tiffany said he left his gun lying on the ground and the dog stepped on the trigger.

 

2002: A Turkish man with four wives and 50 children announced he didn’t want any more kids. Sirin Yavuz fathered 14 children with his first wife, 12 with the second, 14 with the third and ten with his fourth. The Istanbul tobacco farmer said he’d had enough.

 

2007: A major pet dealer reported demand for pet rats has soared 50 percent in Britain, thanks to the animated movie, “Ratatouille,” about a Paris sewer rat with ambitions to be a great chef. Rat experts warned people should plan to own more than one rat, because they were social animals. However, people should be careful of mixing sexes unless they wanted a lot of rats.

 

 

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

312: Roman emperor Constantine, 32, defeated the army of Maxentius, a contender to the throne, at Milvian Bridge, after trusting in a vision he had seen of the cross, inscribed with the words, “In this sign conquer.” Constantine was converted soon after and became the first Roman emperor to embrace the Christian faith.

 

1646: At Nonantum, Mass., colonial missionary John Eliot (“Apostle to the New England Indians”), 42, conducted the first Protestant worship service for the Indians of North America. He also delivered the first sermon preached to the Indians in their native tongue.

 

1777: Anglican clergyman and hymnwriter John Newton wrote in a letter; ‘The Lord usually reserves dying strength for a dying hour.’

 

1820: Birth of John H. Hopkins, a leader in the development of Episcopal church hymnody during the mid-19th century. Today, he is better remembered as the author and composer of the Christmas hymn, “We Three Kings of Orient Are.”

 

1949: American missionary martyr Jim Elliot, 22, inscribed in his journal perhaps the most oft-quoted of all his sayings: ‘He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain that which he cannot lose.’

 

 

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • Singer (“American Idol” runner-up) Justin Guarini, 37
  • Actress (“Baywatch”, Shallow Hal, Dog Eat Dog) Brooke Burns, 38 (
    )
  • Comedian/actor/TV personality (“Late Night with Conan O’Brien”) Andy Richter, 49
  • Singer/actress (Tony Orlando & Dawn, “Gimme A Break”) Telma Hopkins, 67 (
    )
  • TV Alien (“Alf”) Alf, 258 (
    )

 

 

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1927 : Cleo Laine

1936 : Charlie Daniels (The Charlie Daniels Band);

1937 : Graham Bond (Graham Bond Organization)

1939 : Jim Post (Friend and Lover)

1940 : Jay Proctor (Jay and the Techniques)

1941 : Curtis Lee

1941 : Hank Marvin (The Shadows)

1945 : Wayne Fontana (The Mindbenders)

1947 : George Glover (The Climax Blues Band)

1948 : Thelma Hopkins (Tony Orlando and Dawn)

1948 : Rickie Reynolds (Black Oak Arkansas)

1957 : Stephen Morris (New Order)

1958 : William Reid (The Jesus and Mary Chain)

1978 : Justin Guarini

 

 

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

How did the word “buck” come to be used for a one-dollar bill?

This American slang word for a dollar may have its origins in animal skins that were classified as “bucks” and “does.” The bucks, larger and more valuable than the does, could have become part of early American business terminology (around 1800) and later, slang for a dollar. This usage also may have come from the game of poker. During the game’s heyday (the late 19th century), a marker called a buck was placed next to a poker player to remind him that it was his turn to deal next. A silver dollar was sometimes used as the marker, perhaps leading to the expression.

 

 

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE! Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

 

Fans are making a special effort to see Sanctus real in concert this fall. It’s front man Matt Hammitt’s fair well tour and one fan drove 8 hours roundtrip, a total of 466 miles, to see the show. The fan tweeted: Well worth it. Thanks to Matt Hammitt for 20 years! Sad it’s over.

 

Another red neck idea from David Crowder. This week he shared a picture of a red neck hot tub. Crowder was impressed with the idea and added that these are his kind of people.

http://twitter.com/crowdermusic/status/656487398336045057/photo/1

 

Shan and Shane member Shane Everett is out with a new video on how technology is transforming the way worship leaders are trained. Shane Everett says technology can be a massive tool to train and equip leaders to lead worship effectively and the Shane’s are trying to be proactive in giving tools to help in that process.

http://thegspl.co/1XgbJHh

 

A milestone for Ellie Holcomb and her young daughter. Ellie shared online this week: It took almost 3 years, but she finally got her first haircut. I might have cried just a little.

 

The Sidewalk Prophets made it to their concert in Lubbock, Texas last weekend but it wasn’t easy. Members of the band tweeted that they lost three trailer tires in the middle of nowhere Texas and it took them 21 hours but they finally made it.

 

Christian artists are offering an increasing number of promotional items and early downloads to encourage fan’s to pre-order their new albums before their actual release. That trend prompted a tongue in cheek promotional offer from Casting Crowns guitarist Jaun Devevo. He shared: If you pre-order our new live CD, you’ll receive an email confirmation saying you will get our new CD. Casting Crowns live Worship album, titled A Live Worship Experience is available for pre-order right now and will officially be available for purchase on November 13.

 

Jon Foreman has done it. The Switchfoot frontman played 25 shows in 24 hours. Jon has released four EPs in 2015 called the Wonderland’s series. The four EP in the project came out the day before his 25 show blitz. All the shows took place in and around his home town of San Diego.

 

Plumb was back on stage over the weekend and says she was feeling as good as she has all week. Plumb has been dealing with a sinus infection went respiratory. In fact, at one show when the promoter was also a doctor, she had to be given a breathing treatment. Ironically, Plumb is currently on her Exhale tour.

 

A first for Natalie Grant this weekend but not one that she hopes to repeat. Natalie shared: Praying this nifty little traction machine brings some relief to the first pinched nerve I’ve ever experienced. Because I’ve decided pinched nerves are TERRIBLE.

 

Jamie Grace started a new support group this week. On 10/21/15, the date referenced in the movie Back to the Future, Jamie posted: anyone else out there that’s never seen Back to the Future? Maybe we should start a support group or something. Jamie said she also has never seen Star Wars or the Lion King.

 

 

ODD & WEIRD NEWS…

Russian police find half a ton of caviar in speeding hearse
MOSCOW (AP) — Police in Russia’s far east stopped a hearse speeding on a highway — only to find half a ton of caviar stashed inside. The Interior Ministry’s department in the Khabarovsk region said on Tuesday the hearse was caught speeding on the road connecting Khabarovsk, not far the…

 

‘I boo’: Couple gets married at haunted theme park
LITCHFIELD, N.H. (AP) — The bridesmaids wore black and the flower girl showed up in a skeleton costume at a wedding held at a haunted theme park in New Hampshire. Melissa Cote and Tom Cowern, who both work at SpookyWorld/Nightmare New England in Litchfield, tied the knot Monday night in front…
Diver removes famous fake skeletons from Colorado River    photo
PARKER, Ariz. (AP) — A diver who felt he didn’t get his fair share of the credit for discovering two fake skeletons sitting in lawn chairs at the bottom of the Colorado River has removed them from their watery grave. HASH(0x140f4d0) He alerted the La Paz County Sheriff’s Office, and…
Dog named Trigger shoots owner during Indiana waterfowl hunt
NORTH WEBSTER, Ind. (AP) — Authorities say a northern Indiana woman is recovering after being shot in the foot by her dog. And the dog’s name? Trigger. Indiana Conservation Officer Jonathon Boyd says 25-year-old Allie Carter of Avilla laid her 12-gauge shotgun on the ground without the safety…
Robber flees when elderly woman yells, ‘There’s the police’
PUNXSUTAWNEY, Pa. (AP) — Authorities say an elderly woman being robbed in a Pennsylvania parking lot shouted, “There’s the police!” and the spooked suspect dropped his gun and ran away. Punxsutawney police Chief James Borza says police are still searching for the robber, who approached the…
School on historic register boasts prominent pup’s gravesite    photo
ROLLINSFORD, N.H. (AP) — A school named to the National Register of Historic Places has an unusual feature on its grounds: the gravesite of a dog considered to be the father of the American Cocker Spaniel. The marble block at the edge of the Rollinsford Grade School’s playground marks the…
Driver in ‘Beetlejuice’ costume accused of hit-and-run
ATLANTA (AP) — Police are searching for a woman who appeared to be wearing a “Beetlejuice” costume when she damaged a car in a hit-and-run crash in southeast Atlanta. WSB-TV reports (http://bit.ly/1jKtNeH) that surveillance video shows the suspect’s car nearly flipped when it hit a…
Bigfoot believers gather at New York retreat, swap stories    photo
CHAUTAUQUA, N.Y. (AP) — Bigfoot believers gathered Saturday in western New York, convinced the legendary Sasquatch has left its footprints all over the region. About 100 people sported buttons saying “I believe” and swapped stories at the fourth annual Chautauqua Lake Bigfoot Expo. Organizer…
Spanish shepherds guide 2,000 sheep through Madrid’s streets    photo
MADRID (AP) — Spanish shepherds have led 2,000 sheep through the streets of Madrid in defense of age-old droving, grazing and migration rights that are increasingly threatened by urban sprawl and fenced-in pastures. Tourists and children were surprised to see wide avenues blocked off in the…
Think you’re unhappy in Dubai? Police may call to ask why    photo
DUBAI, United Arab Emirates (AP) — If you say you’re unhappy in Dubai, the police may call to ask you why as part of a new survey. The online poll, unveiled in recent days, comes as Dubai tries to break into the top 10 rankings of world’s happiest cities by 2021, an effort in league with…
Woman trying to repair gas-fueled water heater blows up home
TAUNTON, Mass. (AP) — Investigators say a Massachusetts woman who was trying to perform repairs on her house ended up blowing it up instead. The homeowner escaped from her Taunton residence before the fire and explosion Sunday afternoon. No one was hurt. State Fire Marshal Stephen Coan and…

 

 

 

HEALTH & FITNESS NEWS…

Family stunts disabled daughter’s growth to expand her world    photo
BALI, Indonesia (AP) — Whether Charley Hooper has any concept of the space she occupies in the world is an enigma. She is so disabled that her mother considers her “unabled.” At 10, her brain is believed to function at the level of a newborn’s. She cannot speak, cannot walk, cannot see…

 

UN agency links hot dogs and other processed meat to cancer    photo
PARIS (AP) — Bacon, hot dogs and cold cuts are under fire: The World Health Organization threw its global weight behind years of experts’ warnings and declared Monday that processed meats raise the risk of colon and stomach cancer and that red meat is probably harmful, too. Meat producers are…
A look at other common cancer-causing substances
PARIS (AP) — Hotdogs, bologna and other processed meats now rank alongside tobacco, alcohol and around 100 more substances on the International Agency for Research on Cancer’s list of Group 1 carcinogens. In 2012, 14.1 million new cancer cases were diagnosed and 8.2 million cancer deaths were…
WHO removes Nigeria from list of polio-endemic countries
LAGOS, Nigeria (AP) — The U.N. World Health Organization is formally removing Nigeria from the list of polio-endemic countries, meaning the entire African continent is free of the crippling disease. A WHO statement said Monday’s move comes after Nigeria reported no new cases for 15 months…
Another challenge to health overhaul heads to Supreme Court    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — Opponents of President Barack Obama’s health care overhaul are taking yet another challenge to the law to the Supreme Court, and say they will be back with more if this one fails. A new appeal being filed Monday by the Pacific Legal Foundation contends the law violates the…
Obama administration unveils health care premiums for 2016
WASHINGTON (AP) — When consumers turn on their laptops and tablets Monday morning, they should be able to check premiums for 2016 under President Barack Obama’s health care law. Rates are going up in many parts of the country as a new sign-up season starts Nov. 1. But people have options if…
Justices grill attorneys in New Mexico assisted suicide case    photo
SANTA FE, N.M. (AP) — Justices with New Mexico’s highest court aggressively questioned attorneys Monday in a landmark lawsuit that could decide if the state will join a handful of others in allowing terminally ill patients to end their lives with drugs prescribed by a doctor. The legal…
Carson: Can a man of great surgical skill lead a nation?    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — Ben Carson is the only 2016 candidate for president who has never led a state or company or run for political office. No matter, he says. Surely someone who can perform life-or-death surgeries can run the country. Carson challenged the medical status quo as a storied…
UN: More studies needed on new malaria shots before using it
GENEVA (AP) — Vaccine experts advising the World Health Organization have recommended that further studies be done on a new malaria vaccine to figure out if officials can actually administer the four doses needed. The new vaccine, Mosquirix, received an approval recommendation from the…
Universal health care advocates heading to Colorado voters    photo
DENVER (AP) — Supporters of universal health care loaded boxes of resident petitions off an ambulance and onto a stretcher Friday, launching their campaign to make Colorado the first state to opt out of the federal health law and replace it with taxpayer-funded coverage for all. The…
Dermatologist for Michael Jackson, other stars, dies    photo
LOS ANGELES (AP) — Dr. Arnold Klein once said, “Put me next to a patient, give me a needle and I’m really happy.” To which the man once known as Hollywood’s “Dermatologist to the Stars” might have added: “Make the patient Michael Jackson and I’ll be even happier.” Klein, who died Thursday in…

 

 

 

NEWS KICKERS

(None on the weekends)

 

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

According to a survey, ten percent of Americans dress their dogs in Halloween costumes.  *** Which might explain the increase in dog attacks over the past few years.

 

A New Mexico man binge-watching “The Walking Dead” faces murder charge after allegedly beating an acquaintance to death, claiming his friend began “to change into a zombie.” The suspect and victim had reportedly been drinking “large amounts of alcohol” before the incident occurred.  *** Which came as a surprise to absolutely nobody.

 

YouTube is introducing an option that lets users skip all the ads.  *** Because clicking the “SKIP AD” button after three seconds is just taking too darned much effort and time.

 

WikiLeaks has released the first batch of emails allegedly hacked by high school students from CIA Director John Brennan’s AOL account.  ***Wait a minute – the director of the CIA uses an AOL account?  Is it any wonder we’re being hacked by foreign governments?!?

 

Chewbacca was arrested Friday while campaigning for Darth Vader in a Ukraine mayoral race. Chewbacca was just a guy in a costume, but the guy running for mayor really did change his name to Darth Vader. Darth lost the election Sunday with less than a half-percent of the votes.  *** Mostly because no matter how many Stormtrooper clones show up, they only count as one vote.

 

 

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

The central Chinese city of Wuhan has a law that fines women who have children out of wedlock.  ***MARLAR: Which only makes sense, because we all know that men have absolutely nothing to do with the reproductive process.

 

Could exercise actually be bad for some healthy people? A well-known group of researchers, including one who helped write the scientific paper justifying national guidelines that promote exercise for all, say the answer may be a qualified yes.  By analyzing data from six rigorous exercise studies involving 1,687 people, the group found that about 10 percent actually got worse on at least one of the measures related to heart disease: blood pressure and levels of insulin, HDL cholesterol or triglycerides. About 7 percent got worse on at least two measures. And the researchers say they do not know why. ***MARLAR: Sounds like I should probably avoid working out entirely.  You know, just to be safe.

 

Is there a doctor on board? Surprisingly often, there is – in half of in-flight medical emergencies – and sick airline passengers almost always survive, a new study finds.  The research is the largest look yet at what happens to people who develop a medical problem on a commercial flight – about 44,000 of the 2.75 billion passengers worldwide each year according to researchers.  ***MARLAR: Although that’d likely be cut in half if they just stopped serving in-flight meals.

 

Britons trying to cheer up their hospitalized friends and relatives often have to do so standing up; sitting on the bed usually isn’t allowed.  In a commentary published recently in the British medical journal BMJ, Dr. Iona Heath argues the recommendation is unjustified and denies patients the chance to be close to their loved ones.  British authorities claim the ban on sitting is needed to prevent patients from getting infected by visitors and health care staff.  ***MARLAR: You can stick your fingers inside a patient during a checkup or surgery, but don’t sit next to them on their bed because that could be dangerous!

 

 

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Swimming is Good For Your Shape”

 

 

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Darren Marlar, “At the Beach”

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD WEDNESDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As The Jungle Turns! Last time, Cheetah Bonita decided she didn’t want to sing three-part harmony with her sisters any longer… she wanted to go solo. But both of her sisters hated that idea – and so did Gruffy Bear. Music in the jungle just wouldn’t be the same without that three part harmony. And then, Nozzles the Elephant stopped by…

 

CLOSE: Boy, it’s beginning to look like everybody wants to be solo – and nobody wants to harmonize! Tune in next time for another exciting episode of As the Jungle Turns!

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF OCTOBER 31/NOVEMBER 01

 

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, Marvy Snuffleson’s little sister Katie was pretty unfeeling towards Marvy and his having a cold. In fact, she showed no compassion at all. And just about that time, the snow outside began melting really fast – and it flooded the backyard, then into the house, and now she’s been swept onto the high seas!

 

CLOSE: Sounds like Candyland is going to be a really fun – and tasty place to visit! But what does all of this have to do with compassion? We’ll find out next time as our story continues, on As the Jungle Turns!

 

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of As the Jungle Turns in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us.

 

 

MOMENT OF DUH

A Catholic nun has been sentenced to six months of court supervision and 30 hours of community service…

…after pleading guilty to writing white supremacist graffiti on the walls of the hospital where she worked as a chaplain. 66-year-old Sister Dorothy Toman admits writing racist graffiti in the emergency room and on the walls of the bathrooms at Provena St. Joseph Medical Center in Joliet, Illinois. She says she did it to see how hospital administrators would react. Her little experiment worked… she did find out how they would react. They fired her.

 

 

TOP TEN

TOP TEN REJECTED SATURDAY MORNING CARTOONS

  1. “Billy, the Homicidal Smurf.”
  2. “Scooby and Shaggy Go To The Retirement Home.”
  3. “Archie, the Abcessed Tooth.”
  4. “Yosemite Sam…UNCENSORED!”
  5. “The Golden Girls meet The Power Rangers.”
  6. “Da Boys in Mister Rogers Neighborhood.”
  7. “The Land of The Lost…The Barney Years.”
  8. “COPS” in full color animation!
  9. “Arnold” goes to Green Acres
  10. “Sponge Bob” dries up

 

 

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

How far would you go to help your brother/sister pull off the perfect engagement? Would you risk being sent to jail?

 

FILE #1: Clifford Cohen’s brother Ric leased a twin engine plane to fly his girlfriend up in the clouds to propose marriage. His brother helped him write a message on the ground that could be seen in the air. Using 70 bales of hay, they spelled “‘Marry Me Ruth”. “Plan A” was to have friends drive to the field and shine their headlights on the hay, thus illuminating the message. But his friends never showed. So his brother set the hay on fire. His girlfriend saw the message, accepted, then the blaze grew out of control. Police arrived at the scene and Ric was arrested.

 

FILE #2: Two Kentucky men tried to pull the front off an ATM machine by running a chain from the bumper of their pickup, to the machine. They put their truck in gear and instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, they pulled the bumper off their truck. At this point they were so scared that they drove away, with the chain still attached to the machine, with their bumper still attached to the chain, with their vehicle’s license plate still attached to the bumper. And soon they were attached to each other with handcuffs.

 

FILE #3: A gunman walked into a bank in Columbia, Tennessee recently to announce he was robbing the bank. Finding himself in what seemed to be an empty office, he yelled, “Give me your money” to a worker and got no response. At first the workers thought it was a joke but noticed he sort of looked funny and he then asked, “This ain’t a bank anymore?” You see, the bank had moved 6 months earlier and now an Insurance company was renting the building. The thief left after robbing two workers of $127 and after getting his State Farm Atlas and a new calendar.

 

STRANGE LAW: It is illegal to hunt camels in the state of Arizona.

 

 

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

Getting drunk is bad enough.  Skipping work because you’re hung-over is worse.  Lying about why you’re calling in sick is something a brain on drugs would do!

Sydney, Australia, call center worker Kyle Doyle wanted a day off of work, so he called in sick. That part of the plan went well enough, but the 21-year-old Kyle sort of blew it when he posted an update on his Facebook profile on the date in question saying, “Kyle Doyle is not going to work… I’m still trashed. SICKIE WOO!” The boss stumbled upon the page and called Kyle out on it. Kyle denied all until the boss sent him a screen grab of the Facebook page. Realizing the jig was up, Kyle e-mailed back: “HAHAHA LOL…epic fail… no worries man.” Um, maybe some worries. The company is investigating and Kyle has changed his Facebook status to “trying to hide”.

 

 

PHONER PHUN

What’s the worst thing you ever received from a neighbor in your trick-or-treat bag? (Dental supplies? Canned food? A pencil?)

 

 

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Name the place which Joshua made the center of Israel’s worship.

ANSWER: Shiloah (Joshua 18:1)

 

 

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: What’s the average number of squirts from a cow’s udder that are needed to yield a gallon of milk?

ANSWER: 345

 

 

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

 

  1. The world’s largest McDonalds is located in Belvidere, Illinois. (False – it’s on I-44 at Vinita, Oklahoma. It goes from one side of the interstate to the other, passing over the interstate.)

 

  1. The state of Louisana has no counties. (True – it’s the only state not to have counties. They are called Parishes.)

 

  1. Hawaii is the only coffee producing state. (True – although all states have morning radio shows that make coffee.)

 

  1. Missouri has a spoon museum. (False – the Spoon Museum is in New Jersey.)

 

  1. Maine is the only state in the United States whose name is just one syllable. (True.)

 

  1. Mercury is the only metal that is liquid at room temperature. (True.)

 

  1. Monrovia, Liberia in Africa is named after U.S. President James Monroe. (True – it’s the only foreign country to have a capital named after an American president.)

 

  1. Teeth are the only parts of the human body that can’t repair themselves. (True)

 

  1. The bat is the only mammal that can fly. (True)

 

  1. The bloodhound is the only animal whose evidence is admissible in an American court. (True)

 

 

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

ALIEN ______ FOUND IN MEXICO! (ROCKS)

Alien rocks, from Planet Gootan, were discovered in Mexico.

The rocks were found in the state of Sonora.  Experts from the U.N. Panel of Extraterrestrials have identified the rocks as being from Planet Gootan.  ”They are definitely Gootan rocks.  No doubt about it,” said Dr. John Malley, the head of the U.N. Panel on Extraterrestrials.

Some thought that the rocks had fallen from a dump truck. They were wrong.  They fell from outer space.  Some thought that the smell was gas, but it’s not… it’s a radioactive, intergalactic substance know as Gooboplasm.

The U.N. is carefully going to study the rock.  The U.S. military is getting involved as well.  ”We are concerned that the rocks may be weaponized, so we are taking every precaution,” said a representative from the Defense Department.

The rocks contained phosphorite, a chemical chain reaction that could have ignited them as they were been subjected to friction. Phosphorus in rocks, or phosphorite, is usually deposited by sediment – dissolved phosphorus from continental weathering that is brought to the oceans by rivers and streams.

So why did the Gootans drop rocks on Earth?

“Earth has been under attack by the Gootans since November of 2011,” said Dr. Malley.  ”There has been a cover-up by all governments on Earth, and most citizens have not noticed because it has not impacted many populations yet.  But, there is an ongoing attack on Earth by the Gootans.”

Dr. Malley said that the U.N. is proud that they captured the Gootan rocks.  ”It is a major victory in the battle against Planet Gootan.”

 

 

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY

JOKE #1

Our local newspaper ran several stories about a study that tied male obesity to a virus. One evening my brother came home exhausted from a long day at work.

“Did you read the paper?” he asked. “I’m not going in to work tomorrow. I’m calling in fat.”

 

JOKE #2

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

“Well, it dates back to our honeymoon,” explained the man. “We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down the bottom of the canyon by pack mule.
We hadn’t gone too far when my wife’s mule stumbled.

“My wife quietly said, ‘That’s once.’

“We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Onxe more my wife quietly said, ‘That’s twice.’

“We hadn’t gone a half mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My wife promptly removed a revolver from her pocket and shot him!

“I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said, ‘That’s once.’

 

JOKE #3

(A letter to Marty from his girlfriend’s father)

Dear Marty,

I have been unable to sleep since I broke off your engagement to my daughter. Will you forgive and forget? I was much too sensitive about your Mohawk, tattoo and pierced nose. I now realize motorcycles aren’t really that dangerous, and I really should not have reacted that way to the fact that you have never held a job. I am also very sure that some other very nice people live under the bridge in the park, too.  Sure my daughter is only 18 and wants to marry you instead of going to Harvard on full scholarship. After all, you can’t learn everything about life from books. I sometimes forget how backward I can be. I was wrong. I was a fool. I have now come to my senses and you have my full blessing to marry my daughter.

Sincerely,

Your future father-in-law.

P.S. Congratulations on winning the lottery

 

 

USELESS FACTS

Zebras are actually black, with white stripes. ***MARLAR: Hmm… somehow zebras suddenly sound less racist to me.

 

Piobbico, Italy, has dedicated a monument to people who are physically ugly but beautiful on the inside.  ***MARLAR: We already have that in America… it’s called the “Radio Hall of Fame.”

 

A recent study says the U.S. leads the world in gun ownership, with nine guns for every ten Americans.  ***MARLAR: With 40% of those guns residing in Ted Nugent’s house.

 

 

FEATURED FUNNIES

DEAR JOHN

John, a Marine, was deployed to Afghanistan. While John was there, he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter, she explained that she had found a new guy while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. AND, she wanted pictures of herself back. So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women to his girlfriend with the following note: “I don’t remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back.”

 

 

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

What was the worst thing you ever received while out Trick-or-Treating? 

In a survey, these were some responses…

  • One kid got a candy apple that had so much caramel goo on it, it pulled out one of his teeth.  ***MARLAR: Suspiciously, that was a dentist giving those out.
  • Dentists giving out toothbrushes, and little things of floss. ***MARLAR: If you get it free from the office, it’s likely not going to be very cool to give to little kids.
  • A hard boiled egg. ***MARLAR: Lame! It could’ve been worse though, the eggs could’ve been decorated ones left over from Easter!
  • Mini-staplers that fit in your purse.  ***MARLAR: When you’re a nine year old boy, you don’t own a purse (likely never will) and you don’t have a big need for a pocket stapler.
  • Saltine crackers. Individual saltine crackers.  ***MARLAR: Only appropriate if the child is dressed up as a parrot.
  • Canned vegetables. ***MARLAR: If the kids are trick-or-treating and asking for canned goods to donate to the local mission, that’s cool… but if they’re looking for candy and you give them creamed corn, you’d better be ready for a toilet-papered tree later on.
  • A single pencil.  ***MARLAR: The last thing you want while going door-to-door is a reminder that you should be home doing your homework.
  • Prayer Cards.  ***MARLAR: If you’re a Christian trying to use Halloween as an opportunity to tell others about Christ, that’s great… but don’t make the neighborhood kids think that Christians are cheap.  If you’re going to pass out tracts, attach them to a candy bar or something, will ya?  That way they have something to snack on while they read it.  Otherwise all that tract is to those kids is paper – and it’ll end up in the trash before being opened.

 

 

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

HOLDING ON

William Booth (1829-1912) left an established church to become an evangelist to the poor. He eventually founded the Salvation Army because the churches would not accept his slum converts. Because of his work with the poor and downcast, General Booth eventually formulated rules for Christian living:

1) Consider your body as the temple of the Holy Spirit and treat it with reverence and care.
2) Keep your mind active. Stimulate it with thoughts of others that lead to doing something.
3) Take time to be holy with daily Bible reading and prayer.
4) Support the church of your faith.
5) Cultivate the presence of God. He wants to enter your life and will as far as you let him.
6) Take God into the details of your life. You naturally call upon him in trouble and for the bigger things.
7) Pray for this troubled world and the leaders who hold the destinies of the varied nations.
8) Have a thankful spirit for the blessings of God: country, home, friends, and numerous other blessings.
9) Work as if everything depended upon work, and pray as if everything depended upon prayer.
10) Think of death not as something to be dreaded, but as a great and new experience where loved ones are met and ambitions realized.

 

 

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

LED BY THE SPIRIT

As many as are led by the Spirit of God, these are sons of God. —Romans 8:14

As a young pastor during the 1940s, Francis Schaeffer was known for his organizational skill. A summer Bible school at his St. Louis church drew 700 children from all over the city and sparked a full-page story in the local newspaper. But when he and his wife began L’Abri Fellowship in Switzerland, Schaeffer intentionally set no organizational goals.

He described this unusual approach as God’s specific leading for them and said it was the hardest thing he had ever done. But he wanted God’s hand to be seen and not the success of well-organized programs.

Schaeffer said, “It’s a very hard thing in our own generation, it seems to me, to find anything that can’t be explained on the basis of public relations. We’ll look to the personal God to see what He wants to do with this work.”

Paul said, “As many as are led by the Spirit of God, these are sons of God” (Romans 8:14). This may apply to specific decisions, but it also speaks of a general approach to life. God’s children should not attempt anything without the leadership of the Holy Spirit.

Being led by the Spirit and following His direction is a walk of faith that brings honor to God and leads to life and peace (vv.6,13). —David McCasland

 

Led by the Spirit means yielding to Him
In all of the facets of life;
Trying to do all the work on your own
Leads to disorder and strife. —Hess

 

A man’s heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps. —Proverbs 16:9

 

 

LEFTOVERS

Jack Sprat – no longer just a fairy tale!

A family has won a court order in a German courtroom that will allow them to continue to live in a giant pumpkin. The family has lived in the eight foot high pumpkin for three years. The city tried to get them to move saying the pumpkin didn’t meet local housing ordinances. The judge told the city to leave the family alone.  ***MARLAR: They’re probably the only folks who visit a pumpkin farm accompanied by a real estate agent.

 

 

LIFE… LIVE IT

OLD WIVES’ TALES…

  • A dog’s mouth is cleaner than a human’s — False. A canine mouth contains 53 types of bacteria while a human mouth breeds only 37. So think twice before giving Spot a kiss on the mouth.
  • Reading in dim light will ruin your eyes — False. According to the American Academy of Ophthalmology, you can’t wear out your eyes by using them in poor light.
  • Toads give you warts — False. The skin glands of a toad secrete a substance that can give you hallucinations, but neither the slimy toxic gunk nor the toads cause warts.
  • Crack your knuckles and you’ll get arthritis — False. While certain repetitive actions can lead to arthritis, knuckle cracking isn’t one of them.
  • If you cross your eyes, they’ll stay that way — False. Stabismus, the disorder that causes misaligned eyes, only affects 4 percent of American children. Crossing the eyes does not cause the disease.
  • Arthritis flares up in wet weather — False. People swim and shower without flare-ups and most people stay inside when it rains.
  • Spicy foods create stomach ulcers — False. A bacterial infection or overuse of pain medications are the culprits.
  • Walking under a ladder is bad luck — True. While a stroll under a ladder won’t endanger your soul, it poses potential dangers from falling buckets and tools.
  • An apple a day keeps the doctor away — True. Apples are packed with antioxidants that fight the free radicals that cause cancer and other diseases.
  • Chocolate causes acne — False. You can eat as much chocolate as you want and not worry about breakouts, which flare up when the pores of the skin become blocked with oil.

 

 

JUST FOR FUN

I’M SUPER-DUPER DUDE!

First you couldn’t use the phrase “Super Bowl” without permission… now it looks like “Super Hero” could become off limits!

Marvel and DC Comics jointly filed a trademark on the word “super-hero.”  They claim they invented the word, so now they want to own it  and prevent anyone else from using it without their permission.   Indie comics will either have to pay up or find another way to describe their heroes.  ***MARLAR: So what could you call them?  I racked my brain trying to come up with a few… and here’s what I’ve got so far.

  • Super-power Enabled
  • Above Average Men and/or Women of Valor
  • Most Awesome Hero
  • (My personal favorite) Incredibly Talented Good Guys

 

 

FUN LIST

BULLETIN BLOOPERS

Church Bulletin bloopers from the book “Did You Read That?” by Derric Johnson:

  • The choir will meet at the Larsen house for fun and sinning.
  • The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
  • Ushers will eat latecomers.
  • The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they can be seen in the church basement Friday afternoon.
  • Today’s Sermon: How Much Can A Man Drink? with hymns from a full choir.
  • Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to the church secretary.
  • A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening. Music will follow.

 

 

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

ON EAGLE’S WINGS

A couple of tourists were stopped at a service station in Valdez, Alaska when they decided to let their little pet Chihuahua out to relieve itself. No sooner than the doggie started doing his business, he was snatched up by the strong claws of an American Bald Eagle. Before anyone could react, the pup was up, up and away. The gas station attendant says the dog’s female owner seemed very upset while her husband appeared to be rooting for the eagle.

 

 

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Mondays Only)

 

 

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

A cafe in Israel is using the power of hummus in an effort to bring Jewish and Arab residents together amid three weeks of deadly violence throughout the country and the Occupied Palestinian Territories. According to ABC News, The Hummus Bar near the coastal city of Netanya is offering a 50 percent discount off the chickpea dish for all tables where Jews and Arabs sit together, according to a post from the restaurant’s Facebook page.

http://abcn.ws/1GiKpnE

 

How far would you go to spread the Gospel? After two weeks of training, four women and a leader have embarked on a five-month road trip to share Christ and assist missionaries throughout Europe. According to Mission Network News, The eleventh Operation Mobilization Transit Team recently headed to Ireland to start a five-month journey of spreading the Gospel in Europe, a trip that includes cultural exposure, teamwork and adventure on the road. Their first stops are Ireland, Montenegro, and Austria.

https://goo.gl/LiFOA9

 

Time is out with a list of 14 cooking hacks that will make your life easier. They include:

How to Easily Separate Egg Whites

How to cut an onion without crying

How to cut clean slices of cake

How to use every bit of peanut butter

How to keep your knives sharp

http://ti.me/1jINAug

 

 

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Today’s show was only a test.  If it had been an actual show, you would’ve been entertained and be feeling pretty good right now.

 

 

THE WAY WE WORK

(Updated as it comes available. The Way WE Work is written by Mark Elfstrand from 1160Hope.com in Chicago.)

Security Checkup

(*I’m traveling this week, so this blog’s topic may look slightly familiar.)
In recent days, we’ve learned of another invasion of privacy with the hacking of two well known persons’ email accounts. Regrettably, these two people have a lot to do with our nation’s security! I’m speaking of the personal accounts of CIA Director John Brennan and Department of Homeland Security Secretary Jeh Johnson.
The New York Post revealed it was a teenager who was the cultprit. And what did he get? How about access to documents such as Social Security numbers for more than 12 US intelligence officials. This came from Brennan’s account. The hacker claims his tapping into Brennan’s AOL information contained the CIA director’s own application for top security clearance — a trove of nearly 50 pages of who knows what. Well, now the hacker does.
There appears to be a pro-Palestinian motivation behind the hacker. He claims to be non-Muslim but disapproved of US policy. He threatened more action if his views of needed change aren’t met. Even government is becoming a hacker’s paradise.
But it’s everywhere. It’s been reported that the “real problem is that so many breaches occur in the first place. Credit and debit card fraud has nearly quadrupled in past decade.” Staying a step ahead of thieves is hard work.
Security breaches in our modern age put our finances, medical history, and loads of personal information up for grabs. A news story several months back in the New York Times offered an eerie glimpse into new ways of enhancing personal security. A bank in Britain now provides voice analyzation for added security to high net worth individuals. In Japan, some ATMs scan vein patterns in a person’s palm before money is released. Fingerprint sensors on computers and smartphones are becoming more common.
As we know, pets are now commonly sold and adopted with microchips to reveal their identity in the event they are lost or stolen. Radio Frequency identification tags (RFID) are being encouraged in various parts of the globe for humans. Proponents say these devices embedded under people’s skin could help curb identity theft, improve medical care, and even help identify disaster victims.
It would seem obvious to most of us that more people are willing to sacrifice personal privacy for this sense of personal security. Cameras, for example, are everywhere. We are monitored at every turn.
So what is a person to do? Tough decisions may be ahead. How far will people go to give themselves these earthly personal protections?
Many also believe that all of this activity is connected to events leading to what are called “the end times.” One of the most difficult instructions Jesus gave his followers had to do with reading the signs of the times. Note these words of his … “But in those days, after that tribulation, the sun will be darkened, and the moon will not give its light, and the stars will be falling from heaven, and the powers in the heavens will be shaken. And then they will see the Son of Man coming in clouds with great power and glory.” (Mark 13:24-26) So … are you ready?
Oddly, it seems the vast majority of people on our planet are more concerned with personal security than eternal security. We’re more worried about a credit or email account breach than a spiritual breach in our own lives. The kind that could rob us of eternal reward.
I suggest you take the best precaution possible regarding your greatest asset: YOU! Protect yourself with a “living trust.” Make a day by day decision to abide in Him. Put your faith in Jesus.
There is no more sound investment strategy. And it never needs an upgrade.
That’s The Way WE Work.

 

 

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

 

OCTOBER 23, 2015…

 

Bone Tomahawk (opening in select cities)— Kurt Russell is in a western where there are cannibals and weapons made out of bones?  You read that right and remember Halloween isn’t far away.  Someone’s wife is kidnapped and the chase leads into spooky territory. “Bone Tomahawk” is rated R. No rating.

 

Burnt—Bradley Cooper takes on the role of a chef this time, in fact, one who lost his career due to drugs and now wants to get back on top again. He goes to London and gets help from Sienna Miller. Wonder if Miller and Cooper can really cook?  “Burnt” is rated PG 13. No rating.

 

*The Bronze does not have an opening date now.

 

Jem and the Holograms—Coming from the 1980’s TV series, Aubrey Peeples stars as a young singer who gets fans through the Internet. With family in tow, she goes to the big city only to meet a life different from her own. Also in the cast are Molly Ringwald and Juliette Lewis. “Jem and the Holograms” is rated PG 13. No rating.

 

The Last Witch Hunter— Vin Diesel comes from the Middle Ages, where he kills an important witch, only to be cursed with not being able to die.  Fast forward, and now he is in New York City, trying to get this curse off him. Also in the cast is Rose Leslie (“Game of Thrones.”) “The Last Witch Hunter” is rated R. No rating.

 

Nasty Baby (opening in select cities)— In this film, Kristen Wiig is one of three people who try three-way parenting.  It is a novel idea, but will it work?  Along comes problems and the scenario turns into a spook fest.   Also in the cast is Tunde Adebimpe. “Nasty Baby” is rated PG 13. No rating.

 

Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension— Brit Shaw is here and another installment in the saga of “Paranormal Activity.“  Sigh..yawn.  Guess there will be more film footage discovered, . and close to Halloween, so what do you think?  “Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension” is rated R. No rating.

 

Rock the Kasbah— Bill Murray in Afghanistan trying to get new music talent? Yup, you read that right. The story has Murray as a has-been manager and his only star (Zooey Deschanel) leaves him in Kabul, so he tries to find someone there to take him to the top again. Apparently, there is a version of “American Idol” there, also.  “Rock the Kasbah” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for Bill Murray fans.

 

Suffragette— Meryl Streep sinks her teeth into another role, this time as Emmeline Pankhurst who is trying to get women’s right to vote in England.  Carey Mulligan is middle class and decides to help the cause. This is about 1911. You can imagine the mayhem caused by the idea of women voting.  “Suffragette” is rated PG 13. Rating of 3 for fans of the stars.

 

OCTOBER 30, 2015…

 

Our Brand Is Crisis is a Central American political story starring Sandra Bullock and Billy Bob Thornton.

 

Scouts Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse is a horror film starring Tye Sheridan.

 

# # # # #

 

WARNING:  Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.