October 28, 2016: Friday ONAIRprep

***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS – FREE TO AIR! (Need to receive this earlier than when it’s posted? Get FTP access and receive a fully-produced version FREE with a customized tag specifically for your station or show! Contact me with your ONAIRprep username for details!)

AND NOW… ON WITH THE SHOW!

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20161028

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

I was kinda depressed yesterday, but I feel 100% better today. It’s amazing what a new box of crayons can do.

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“Your word I have written in my heart, that I might not sin against You.” –Psalm 119:11

I will refresh the weary and satisfy the faint. –Jeremiah 31:25

The word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. — Hebrews 4:12

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

Christ is the end of the law so that there may be righteousness for everyone who believes. — Romans 10:4

Thought: Christ is both the fulfillment of the Law (the goal and destination of the Law) and also the end of the Law. We are no longer judged on the basis of law-keeping. True, the standard used for us is the righteousness of God, but this is a standard that Jesus meets in us and for us by being the sin offering for us and sending the Spirit to empower us. This means that God can declare us righteous while at the same time transforming us to strive toward being righteous in the way we live. The Law’s goal is fulfilled and finds its completion in Christ as his salvation transforms us.

Prayer: Dear Father, I do believe that Jesus is your dear Son, sent to be my Savior, crucified for my sins, and raised from the dead for my victory. I trust my salvation to him and thank you for your incredible gift of grace. In the name of Jesus Christ my Lord. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

John 10:28 NIV = I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand.

TODAY IS FRIDAY – OCTOBER 28, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
59 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is PART YOUR HAIR CROOKED JUST TO SEE IF ANYONE WILL SAY ANYTHING ABOUT IT DAY. ***Well, do you? You’ve not said anything about my hair yet.

Today is NATIONAL CHOCOLATE DAY.  ***Have you noticed that “Chocolate” ends up in these holidays a LOT?  Is it not enough that we’re going to have gobs of chocolate for Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year’s?  Do we also have to push chocolate NOW?  Who’s in charge of putting the holiday list together anyway, Clearasil?

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Champagne Day

International Bandana Day

National Breadsticks Day

St. Jude’s Day

Frankenstein Friday

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below.)

SATURDAY OCTOBER 29

Internet Day

National Cat Day

World Psoriasis Day

National Forgiveness Day

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 30

Checklist Day

Create a Great Funeral Day

Devil’s Night/Mischief Night

Haunted Refrigerator Night

National Candy Corn Day

Reformation Sunday

Visit a Cemetery Day

MONDAY, OCTOBER 31

Beggar’s Night

Books for Treats Day

Day of the Seven Billion

Girl Scout Founder’s Day

Halloween/All Hallows Eve

National Caramel Apple Day

National Knock-Knock Jokes Day

National Magic Day

National UNICEF Day

Samhain

World Cities Day

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 01

All Saints’ Day

Autistic Speaking Day

Hockey Mask Day ***Shouldn’t this be reserved for a Friday the 13TH?

Dia de Los Muertos (Day Of The Dead)

Extra Mile Day

Give Up Your Shoulds Day

National Authors Day

National Family Caregiver Day

National Family Literacy Day

National Go Cook For Your Pets Day

Prime Meridian Day

World Vegan Day

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 02

All Souls Day

Cookie Monster Day

International Day to End Impunity for Crimes Against Journalists

National Traffic Professionals Day

Plan Your Epitaph Day

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 03

Cliche Day

National Men Make Dinner Day (NO BBQ ALLOWED!)

Public Television Day

Sandwich Day

SOS Day

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 04

National Chicken Lady Day

National Candy Day

https://www.americanbar.org/content/dam/aba/images/abanews/LoveYourLawyerDay.pdf

Punkin Chunkin

Use Your Common Sense Day

National Medical Science Liaison Awareness & Appreciation Day

ON THIS DAY

1886: The Statue of Liberty, a gift from the people of France, was dedicated in New York Harbor by President Grover Cleveland.

1965: The Gateway Arch was completed in St. Louis. It’s 630 feet high.

1974: 51-million viewers attended the TV wedding of Rhoda Morgenstern and wrecking company owner Joe Gerard. For years, Rhoda had searched unsuccessfully for a husband on “The Mary Tyler Moore Show” in Minneapolis, but found one almost immediately on her own series in New York.

1991: J.C.-001 set the world rap speed record on BBC-5 in London by rapping 631 syllables in 60 seconds.

1989: Michael Grubbs was crowned homecoming king at Rice University in Houston. The year before he had been elected homecoming queen and is the only person to have held both titles. In past years Rice students elected a dog and a refrigerator as homecoming queens.

1992: Disney released “Beauty and the Beast” on video and sold seven million the first week. By December it was the best selling video of all time.

1995: Workers began delivering 200 port-o-potties to downtown Beijing to ease a critical shortage of public toilets in the Chinese capital.

1999: Joseph Tiffany of Littleton, Colorado, was wounded during a hunting trip near Grants, Nebraska, when his golden retriever Samson shot him in the foot. Tiffany said he left his gun lying on the ground and the dog stepped on the trigger.

2002: A Turkish man with four wives and 50 children announced he didn’t want any more kids. Sirin Yavuz fathered 14 children with his first wife, 12 with the second, 14 with the third and ten with his fourth. The Istanbul tobacco farmer said he’d had enough.

2007: A major pet dealer reported demand for pet rats has soared 50 percent in Britain, thanks to the animated movie, “Ratatouille,” about a Paris sewer rat with ambitions to be a great chef. Rat experts warned people should plan to own more than one rat, because they were social animals. However, people should be careful of mixing sexes unless they wanted a lot of rats.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

312: Roman emperor Constantine, 32, defeated the army of Maxentius, a contender to the throne, at Milvian Bridge, after trusting in a vision he had seen of the cross, inscribed with the words, “In this sign conquer.” Constantine was converted soon after and became the first Roman emperor to embrace the Christian faith.

1646: At Nonantum, Mass., colonial missionary John Eliot (“Apostle to the New England Indians”), 42, conducted the first Protestant worship service for the Indians of North America. He also delivered the first sermon preached to the Indians in their native tongue.

1777: Anglican clergyman and hymnwriter John Newton wrote in a letter; ‘The Lord usually reserves dying strength for a dying hour.’

1820: Birth of John H. Hopkins, a leader in the development of Episcopal church hymnody during the mid-19th century. Today, he is better remembered as the author and composer of the Christmas hymn, “We Three Kings of Orient Are.”

1949: American missionary martyr Jim Elliot, 22, inscribed in his journal perhaps the most oft-quoted of all his sayings: ‘He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain that which he cannot lose.’

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • Singer (“American Idol” runner-up) Justin Guarini, 38
  • Actress (“Baywatch”, Shallow Hal, Dog Eat Dog) Brooke Burns, 39 (audio clip)
  • Comedian/actor/TV personality (“Late Night with Conan O’Brien”) Andy Richter, 50
  • Singer/actress (Tony Orlando & Dawn, “Gimme A Break”) Telma Hopkins, 68 (audio clip)
  • TV Alien (“Alf”) Alf, 259 (audio clip)

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1927 : Cleo Laine

1936 : Charlie Daniels (The Charlie Daniels Band);

1937 : Graham Bond (Graham Bond Organization)

1939 : Jim Post (Friend and Lover)

1940 : Jay Proctor (Jay and the Techniques)

1941 : Curtis Lee

1941 : Hank Marvin (The Shadows)

1945 : Wayne Fontana (The Mindbenders)

1947 : George Glover (The Climax Blues Band)

1948 : Thelma Hopkins (Tony Orlando and Dawn)

1948 : Rickie Reynolds (Black Oak Arkansas)

1957 : Stephen Morris (New Order)

1958 : William Reid (The Jesus and Mary Chain)

1978 : Justin Guarini

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

How did the word “buck” come to be used for a one-dollar bill?

This American slang word for a dollar may have its origins in animal skins that were classified as “bucks” and “does.” The bucks, larger and more valuable than the does, could have become part of early American business terminology (around 1800) and later, slang for a dollar. This usage also may have come from the game of poker. During the game’s heyday (the late 19th century), a marker called a buck was placed next to a poker player to remind him that it was his turn to deal next. A silver dollar was sometimes used as the marker, perhaps leading to the expression.

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving three days a week from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

How would you describe the Jamie Grace Show? One fan summed it up like this: funny, informative and just perfect. Plus a unicorn. What else is needed?

A reminder from Jimmy Needham: “Halfhearted praise is an oxymoron.”

Casting Crowns Megan Garrett says it only took once for her to learn her lesson. She posted: I tried to dry my hair naturally curly for the first time since cutting my hair short…and I decided to never do that again. Megan says the result was an afro. For some reason, there was no picture attached.

The McKeehan household is a full one! Tobymac and his wife Amanda have five children. 2 of their children are adopted twins!

Natalie Grant won Female Vocalist of the Year for four consecutive years, in 2006, 2007, 2008 and 2009!

Hillsong United has released a whopping 21 albums, all a combination of Live recordings, Studio albums & EP’s.

The Messengers wrote more than 100 songs that were whittled down to 14 for the self-titled debut!

The members of Citizen Way posted this week: be strong and courageous, like a bear. They then clarified: I would only assume that bears are strong and courageous.

Wanting something different for your next family photo? Big Daddy Weave member Jeremy Redmon has a suggestion. He posted: Sometimes department store dressing room mirrors are the only way to take family photos. Jeremy posted a picture of his own family and said it’s better than trying to pack everyone into the department store bathroom and using the mirror there.  https://www.instagram.com/p/BLufxu8ALK3/

Comedian Bob Smiley share the conversation he heard in his local Starbucks.

Pregnant Lady: ‘Is there caffeine in the tea?’

Starbucks Barista: ‘Yes’

Pregnant lady: ‘I’ll take a tea & a lie about the caffeine in it.’

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. As on ONAIRprep subscriber, you can get a fully-produced, customized version of the Daily Dose of Weird News FREE with a station or show specific tag! Email darren@onairprep.com for details!)

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

According to a survey, ten percent of Americans dress their dogs in Halloween costumes.  *** Which might explain the increase in dog attacks over the past few years.

Donald Trump reacted to Joe Biden’s wish to “take him out behind the gym” by calling the VP “Mr. Tough Guy” and saying he’d welcome it.  ***But then Donnie backed off when he was informed Biden was not referring to Pokemon GO.

Nearing the end of an intense campaign with Donald Trump, Vice Presidential candidate Mike Pence has suffered an upsetting personal loss. On Wednesday, the Indiana governor announced on Twitter that his beagle, Maverick, had passed away. Pence posted the sad news along with a photo of he and his wife Karen, with Maverick tucked in between them.  ***Wow, the Trump/Pence campaign is lagging so far behind they’ve killed a dog to get sympathy votes!

Arby’s will begin testing venison burgers in selected markets.  ***This would be perfect for the holidays!  “Why don’t you Prancer back to the kitchen for a venison burger and Dasher like a Comet right back to me, you Vixen!”

A Georgia teenager has awoken from a coma speaking fluent Spanish… a language he could never speak before. ***Donald Trump immediately demanded he be deported.

AMC Theaters will broadcast the election results on November 8. ***Really?  WHY?  Are people clamoring to be disappointed in large groups surrounded by the scent of buttered popcorn?  Does it somehow make the sting of defeat feel better if it’s preceded by ten minutes of coming attractions?

A youth football coach in Rhode Island was fired this week after he sent an adult man out onto the field to play in a pre-teen league game last weekend. ***Hey, in this new world of self-identifying as whatever you want, where boys can use the girls’ bathroom, a white woman can claim to be black, a female can identify as a male without gender reassignment surgery,  maybe this grown up just identified as a teenage boy?  We’re violating his civil rights by not allowing him to play!

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

Forget about hours on the treadmill. A small study suggests that you’ll be healthier if you spend your time taking long, slow walks – and standing instead of sitting whenever possible.  It might sound too good to be true, but researchers have found that it may be more important to reduce your hours sitting than it is to exercise vigorously, according to the study published in PLOS ONE.  In fact, when volunteers spent two hours standing and four hours walking each day they had healthier insulin levels and lower triglycerides than when they spent an hour a day at the gym cycling for all they were worth.  ***I hate to be a Debbie-downer here, but who walks for four hours a day?  The rest of us use treadmills because we’ve got stuff to do!

In an intriguing study, researchers isolated a biological marker that appears to predict who is most likely to catch cold. The provocative finding is that this is a very stable marker of disease susceptibility that begins to emerge in early adulthood.  ***So, it’s genetic?  Next time I catch cold I’m calling to bawl out my mom.

Researchers announced that they have figured out that they can cut the fat of a chocolate bar in half by infusing the bar with liquid such as water, fruit juice or soda. ***I know what liquid you can infuse my chocolate bar with. Chocolate milk.

The more fat you take in, the more food you may consume overall, leading to weight gain, a study from Northwestern University in Evanston, Illinois, reveals. A high-fat diet disrupted the body clock of mice, causing them to eat up a storm when they should have been asleep.  ***Wait a minute… let me see if I understand this.  The more fat you eat, the fatter you get?  Reeeeally?  Gee, who’d a thunk it?

WONDER WOMAN (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Anonymous”

DAILY COMEDY CLIP (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… John Branyan, “Morning People”

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD FRIDAY’S EPISODE


OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!

Last time, Gruffy Bear, after breaking his promise to Sully numerous times to play checkers with him, finally showed up on Sully’s door… ashamed of how he’d been acting. But Sully already had plans to play checkers with Nozzles the elephant. And that leaves Gruffy with no one…

CLOSE: Now that’s what forgiveness… and friendship… is all about. Tune in again next time, as FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you another exciting episode of As the Jungle Turns!

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF OCTOBER 29/30

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, all of the animals were trying to sell all of their belongings to move out of the jungle and get away from a giant-footed monster, but they all bought other people’s belongings… all except Racquet the Skunk. He’s just giving stuff away! For FREE! Why do you think that is?

CLOSE: Could that be it? Could the giant-footed creature really just be a huge practical joke? Is there really no danger at all? Find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

A Catholic nun has been sentenced to six months of court supervision and 30 hours of community service…

…after pleading guilty to writing white supremacist graffiti on the walls of the hospital where she worked as a chaplain. 66-year-old Sister Dorothy Toman admits writing racist graffiti in the emergency room and on the walls of the bathrooms at Provena St. Joseph Medical Center in Joliet, Illinois. She says she did it to see how hospital administrators would react. Her little experiment worked… she did find out how they would react. They fired her.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN REJECTED SATURDAY MORNING CARTOONS

10. “Billy, the Homicidal Smurf.”

9. “Scooby and Shaggy Go To The Retirement Home.”

8. “Archie, the Abcessed Tooth.”

7. “Yosemite Sam…UNCENSORED!”

6. “The Golden Girls meet The Power Rangers.”

5. “Da Boys in Mister Rogers Neighborhood.”

4. “The Land of The Lost…The Barney Years.”

3. “COPS” in full color animation!

2. “Arnold” goes to Green Acres

1. “Sponge Bob” dries up

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

How far would you go to help your brother/sister pull off the perfect engagement? Would you risk being sent to jail?

FILE #1: Clifford Cohen’s brother Ric leased a twin engine plane to fly his girlfriend up in the clouds to propose marriage. His brother helped him write a message on the ground that could be seen in the air. Using 70 bales of hay, they spelled “‘Marry Me Ruth”. “Plan A” was to have friends drive to the field and shine their headlights on the hay, thus illuminating the message. But his friends never showed. So his brother set the hay on fire. His girlfriend saw the message, accepted, then the blaze grew out of control. Police arrived at the scene and Ric was arrested.

FILE #2: Two Kentucky men tried to pull the front off an ATM machine by running a chain from the bumper of their pickup, to the machine. They put their truck in gear and instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, they pulled the bumper off their truck. At this point they were so scared that they drove away, with the chain still attached to the machine, with their bumper still attached to the chain, with their vehicle’s license plate still attached to the bumper. And soon they were attached to each other with handcuffs.

FILE #3: A gunman walked into a bank in Columbia, Tennessee recently to announce he was robbing the bank. Finding himself in what seemed to be an empty office, he yelled, “Give me your money” to a worker and got no response. At first the workers thought it was a joke but noticed he sort of looked funny and he then asked, “This ain’t a bank anymore?” You see, the bank had moved 6 months earlier and now an Insurance company was renting the building. The thief left after robbing two workers of $127 and after getting his State Farm Atlas and a new calendar.

STRANGE LAW: It is illegal to hunt camels in the state of Arizona.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

Getting drunk is bad enough.  Skipping work because you’re hung-over is worse.  Lying about why you’re calling in sick is something a brain on drugs would do!

Sydney, Australia, call center worker Kyle Doyle wanted a day off of work, so he called in sick. That part of the plan went well enough, but the 21-year-old Kyle sort of blew it when he posted an update on his Facebook profile on the date in question saying, “Kyle Doyle is not going to work… I’m still trashed. SICKIE WOO!” The boss stumbled upon the page and called Kyle out on it. Kyle denied all until the boss sent him a screen grab of the Facebook page. Realizing the jig was up, Kyle e-mailed back: “HAHAHA LOL…epic fail… no worries man.” Um, maybe some worries. The company is investigating and Kyle has changed his Facebook status to “trying to hide”.

PHONER PHUN

What’s the worst thing you ever received from a neighbor in your trick-or-treat bag? (Dental supplies? Canned food? A pencil?)

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: According to the Canaanites, which god controlled the sea?

ANSWER: Yam

QUESTION: Name the place which Joshua made the center of Israel’s worship.

ANSWER: Shiloah (Joshua 18:1)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: What’s the average number of squirts from a cow’s udder that are needed to yield a gallon of milk?

ANSWER: 345

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. The world’s largest McDonalds is located in Belvidere, Illinois. (False – it’s on I-44 at Vinita, Oklahoma. It goes from one side of the interstate to the other, passing over the interstate.)

2. The state of Louisana has no counties. (True – it’s the only state not to have counties. They are called Parishes.)

3. Hawaii is the only coffee producing state. (True – although all states have morning radio shows that make coffee.)

4. Missouri has a spoon museum. (False – the Spoon Museum is in New Jersey.)

5. Maine is the only state in the United States whose name is just one syllable. (True.)

6. Mercury is the only metal that is liquid at room temperature. (True.)

7. Monrovia, Liberia in Africa is named after U.S. President James Monroe. (True – it’s the only foreign country to have a capital named after an American president.)

8. Teeth are the only parts of the human body that can’t repair themselves. (True)

9. The bat is the only mammal that can fly. (True)

10. The bloodhound is the only animal whose evidence is admissible in an American court. (True)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

ALIEN ______ FOUND IN MEXICO! (ROCKS)

Alien rocks, from Planet Gootan, were discovered in Mexico.

The rocks were found in the state of Sonora.  Experts from the U.N. Panel of Extraterrestrials have identified the rocks as being from Planet Gootan.  ”They are definitely Gootan rocks.  No doubt about it,” said Dr. John Malley, the head of the U.N. Panel on Extraterrestrials.

Some thought that the rocks had fallen from a dump truck. They were wrong.  They fell from outer space.  Some thought that the smell was gas, but it’s not… it’s a radioactive, intergalactic substance know as Gooboplasm.

The U.N. is carefully going to study the rock.  The U.S. military is getting involved as well.  ”We are concerned that the rocks may be weaponized, so we are taking every precaution,” said a representative from the Defense Department.

The rocks contained phosphorite, a chemical chain reaction that could have ignited them as they were been subjected to friction. Phosphorus in rocks, or phosphorite, is usually deposited by sediment – dissolved phosphorus from continental weathering that is brought to the oceans by rivers and streams.

So why did the Gootans drop rocks on Earth?

“Earth has been under attack by the Gootans since November of 2011,” said Dr. Malley.  ”There has been a cover-up by all governments on Earth, and most citizens have not noticed because it has not impacted many populations yet.  But, there is an ongoing attack on Earth by the Gootans.”

Dr. Malley said that the U.N. is proud that they captured the Gootan rocks.  ”It is a major victory in the battle against Planet Gootan.”

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

Our local newspaper ran several stories about a study that tied male obesity to a virus. One evening my brother came home exhausted from a long day at work.

“Did you read the paper?” he asked. “I’m not going in to work tomorrow. I’m calling in fat.”

JOKE #2

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

“Well, it dates back to our honeymoon,” explained the man. “We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down the bottom of the canyon by pack mule.
We hadn’t gone too far when my wife’s mule stumbled.

“My wife quietly said, ‘That’s once.’

“We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Onxe more my wife quietly said, ‘That’s twice.’

“We hadn’t gone a half mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My wife promptly removed a revolver from her pocket and shot him!

“I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said, ‘That’s once.’

JOKE #3

(A letter to Marty from his girlfriend’s father)

Dear Marty,

I have been unable to sleep since I broke off your engagement to my daughter. Will you forgive and forget? I was much too sensitive about your Mohawk, tattoo and pierced nose. I now realize motorcycles aren’t really that dangerous, and I really should not have reacted that way to the fact that you have never held a job. I am also very sure that some other very nice people live under the bridge in the park, too.  Sure my daughter is only 18 and wants to marry you instead of going to Harvard on full scholarship. After all, you can’t learn everything about life from books. I sometimes forget how backward I can be. I was wrong. I was a fool. I have now come to my senses and you have my full blessing to marry my daughter.

Sincerely,

Your future father-in-law.

P.S. Congratulations on winning the lottery

USELESS FACTS

Zebras are actually black, with white stripes. ***Hmm… somehow zebras suddenly sound less racist to me.

Piobbico, Italy, has dedicated a monument to people who are physically ugly but beautiful on the inside.  ***We already have that in America… it’s called the “Radio Hall of Fame.”

A recent study says the U.S. leads the world in gun ownership, with nine guns for every ten Americans.  ***With 40% of those guns residing in Ted Nugent’s house.

FEATURED FUNNIES

DEAR JOHN

John, a Marine, was deployed to Afghanistan. While John was there, he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter, she explained that she had found a new guy while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. AND, she wanted pictures of herself back. So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women to his girlfriend with the following note: “I don’t remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back.”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

What was the worst thing you ever received while out Trick-or-Treating? 

In a survey, these were some responses…

  • One kid got a candy apple that had so much caramel goo on it, it pulled out one of his teeth.  ***Suspiciously, that was a dentist giving those out.
  • Dentists giving out toothbrushes, and little things of floss. ***If you get it free from the office, it’s likely not going to be very cool to give to little kids.
  • A hard boiled egg. ***Lame! It could’ve been worse though, the eggs could’ve been decorated ones left over from Easter!
  • Mini-staplers that fit in your purse.  ***When you’re a nine year old boy, you don’t own a purse (likely never will) and you don’t have a big need for a pocket stapler.
  • Saltine crackers. Individual saltine crackers.  ***Only appropriate if the child is dressed up as a parrot.
  • Canned vegetables. ***If the kids are trick-or-treating and asking for canned goods to donate to the local mission, that’s cool… but if they’re looking for candy and you give them creamed corn, you’d better be ready for a toilet-papered tree later on.
  • A single pencil.  ***The last thing you want while going door-to-door is a reminder that you should be home doing your homework.
  • Prayer Cards.  ***If you’re a Christian trying to use Halloween as an opportunity to tell others about Christ, that’s great… but don’t make the neighborhood kids think that Christians are cheap.  If you’re going to pass out tracts, attach them to a candy bar or something, will ya?  That way they have something to snack on while they read it.  Otherwise all that tract is to those kids is paper – and it’ll end up in the trash before being opened.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

HOLDING ON

William Booth (1829-1912) left an established church to become an evangelist to the poor. He eventually founded the Salvation Army because the churches would not accept his slum converts. Because of his work with the poor and downcast, General Booth eventually formulated rules for Christian living:

1) Consider your body as the temple of the Holy Spirit and treat it with reverence and care.
2) Keep your mind active. Stimulate it with thoughts of others that lead to doing something.
3) Take time to be holy with daily Bible reading and prayer.
4) Support the church of your faith.
5) Cultivate the presence of God. He wants to enter your life and will as far as you let him.
6) Take God into the details of your life. You naturally call upon him in trouble and for the bigger things.
7) Pray for this troubled world and the leaders who hold the destinies of the varied nations.
8) Have a thankful spirit for the blessings of God: country, home, friends, and numerous other blessings.
9) Work as if everything depended upon work, and pray as if everything depended upon prayer.
10) Think of death not as something to be dreaded, but as a great and new experience where loved ones are met and ambitions realized.

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

LED BY THE SPIRIT

As many as are led by the Spirit of God, these are sons of God. —Romans 8:14

As a young pastor during the 1940s, Francis Schaeffer was known for his organizational skill. A summer Bible school at his St. Louis church drew 700 children from all over the city and sparked a full-page story in the local newspaper. But when he and his wife began L’Abri Fellowship in Switzerland, Schaeffer intentionally set no organizational goals.

He described this unusual approach as God’s specific leading for them and said it was the hardest thing he had ever done. But he wanted God’s hand to be seen and not the success of well-organized programs.

Schaeffer said, “It’s a very hard thing in our own generation, it seems to me, to find anything that can’t be explained on the basis of public relations. We’ll look to the personal God to see what He wants to do with this work.”

Paul said, “As many as are led by the Spirit of God, these are sons of God” (Romans 8:14). This may apply to specific decisions, but it also speaks of a general approach to life. God’s children should not attempt anything without the leadership of the Holy Spirit.

Being led by the Spirit and following His direction is a walk of faith that brings honor to God and leads to life and peace (vv.6,13). —David McCasland

Led by the Spirit means yielding to Him
In all of the facets of life;
Trying to do all the work on your own
Leads to disorder and strife. —Hess

A man’s heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps. —Proverbs 16:9

LEFTOVERS

Jack Sprat – no longer just a fairy tale!

A family has won a court order in a German courtroom that will allow them to continue to live in a giant pumpkin. The family has lived in the eight foot high pumpkin for three years. The city tried to get them to move saying the pumpkin didn’t meet local housing ordinances. The judge told the city to leave the family alone.  ***MARLAR: They’re probably the only folks who visit a pumpkin farm accompanied by a real estate agent.

LIFE… LIVE IT

OLD WIVES’ TALES…

  • A dog’s mouth is cleaner than a human’s — False. A canine mouth contains 53 types of bacteria while a human mouth breeds only 37. So think twice before giving Spot a kiss on the mouth.

  • Reading in dim light will ruin your eyes — False. According to the American Academy of Ophthalmology, you can’t wear out your eyes by using them in poor light.

  • Toads give you warts — False. The skin glands of a toad secrete a substance that can give you hallucinations, but neither the slimy toxic gunk nor the toads cause warts.

  • Crack your knuckles and you’ll get arthritis — False. While certain repetitive actions can lead to arthritis, knuckle cracking isn’t one of them.

  • If you cross your eyes, they’ll stay that way — False. Stabismus, the disorder that causes misaligned eyes, only affects 4 percent of American children. Crossing the eyes does not cause the disease.

  • Arthritis flares up in wet weather — False. People swim and shower without flare-ups and most people stay inside when it rains.

  • Spicy foods create stomach ulcers — False. A bacterial infection or overuse of pain medications are the culprits.

  • Walking under a ladder is bad luck — True. While a stroll under a ladder won’t endanger your soul, it poses potential dangers from falling buckets and tools.

  • An apple a day keeps the doctor away — True. Apples are packed with antioxidants that fight the free radicals that cause cancer and other diseases.

  • Chocolate causes acne — False. You can eat as much chocolate as you want and not worry about breakouts, which flare up when the pores of the skin become blocked with oil.

JUST FOR FUN

I’M SUPER-DUPER DUDE!

First you couldn’t use the phrase “Super Bowl” without permission… now it looks like “Super Hero” could become off limits!

Marvel and DC Comics jointly filed a trademark on the word “super-hero.”  They claim they invented the word, so now they want to own it  and prevent anyone else from using it without their permission.   Indie comics will either have to pay up or find another way to describe their heroes.  ***MARLAR: So what could you call them?  I racked my brain trying to come up with a few… and here’s what I’ve got so far.

  • Super-power Enabled

  • Above Average Men and/or Women of Valor

  • Most Awesome Hero

  • (My personal favorite) Incredibly Talented Good Guys

FUN LIST

BULLETIN BLOOPERS

Church Bulletin bloopers from the book “Did You Read That?” by Derric Johnson:

  • The choir will meet at the Larsen house for fun and sinning.

  • The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

  • Ushers will eat latecomers.

  • The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they can be seen in the church basement Friday afternoon.

  • Today’s Sermon: How Much Can A Man Drink? with hymns from a full choir.

  • Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to the church secretary.

  • A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening. Music will follow.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

ON EAGLE’S WINGS

A couple of tourists were stopped at a service station in Valdez, Alaska when they decided to let their little pet Chihuahua out to relieve itself. No sooner than the doggie started doing his business, he was snatched up by the strong claws of an American Bald Eagle. Before anyone could react, the pup was up, up and away. The gas station attendant says the dog’s female owner seemed very upset while her husband appeared to be rooting for the eagle.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

How you decorate your office not only says something about who you are, but also sends a not-so-subtle message to your boss that could actually have an impact on how fast you climb the career ladder! Family photos, kids’ artwork and favorite knickknacks help personalize an office workspace, but too many personal touches and trinkets may reflect poorly on your professional image, according to researchers at the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor and McGill University in Montreal, Quebec in Canada. How much is too much? It’s an easy answer: 22 percent. That is, if more than one in five items that adorns your office or cubicle is personal in nature, you could be perpetrating an image that is viewed as unprofessional. The researchers found that the image of someone who is professional versus unprofessional reflects the proportion of objects that reference their personal, non-work life. Age and gender have no significant effect, although participants in the study expected women — more than men — to minimize the number of personal items overall.

It’s called the Sunday Night Blues. How you feel on Sunday about going back to work on Monday morning will tell you if it’s time to find a new job. While some of the dread may simply be making that weekly transition from leisure to work, you know it’s something more serious if you’re feeling trapped, hopeless or anxious about returning to the office. The Sunday Night Blues are fairly common with some 76 percent of American workers saying they suffer from it, according to a Monster.com survey. But having the blues vs. sobbing your eyes out is something different. Lynn Taylor, a national workplace expert and the author of “Tame Your Terrible Office Tyrant: How to Manage Childish Boss Behavior and Thrive in Your Job,” told Business Insider that job anxiety can steal not only your joy, but also compromise your health. Is it time to find a new job? Listen to what your gut tells you on Sunday evening. You’ll find the answer there.

When Margaret Boemer’s checkup revealed her unborn baby, Lynlee, was going into heart failure, she said she had no option but to try fetal surgery. During the surgery the doctor took Lynlee from the womb and removed the tumor from her spine. Once back into her mother’s womb, blood flow from mom to baby encouraged growth, healing and a healthy delivery at 36 weeks. Boemer said “It was her second birth, basically.” “her heart had time to heal while I was still pregnant with her so she has no heart issues now and is just doing amazing.”  ***This is why God created doctors!  http://on.today.com/2eqwtQN

Could “air bombs” be the reason for so many mysterious disappearances of planes and boats in the Bermuda Triangle over the years? According to Today.com, A pair of meteorologists speaking to the Science Channel’s “What on Earth?” believe that hexagonal-shaped clouds seen on satellite imagery could be the key to figuring out why the Bermuda Triangle has become notorious for disappearances of aircraft, ships and people. Dr. Randy Cerveny of Arizona State University says these “air bombs” pack winds up up to 170 miles per hour, more than enough to send an airplane hurtling down from the sky or create waves to capsize a ship. Cerveny added that the satellite images could allow authorities to trigger an alarm for any aircraft or ships when a hexagonal cloud is detected in order to save lives.

http://on.today.com/2eruVU9

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Today’s show was only a test.  If it had been an actual show, you would’ve been entertained and be feeling pretty good right now.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

OCTOBER 28, 2016…

The Eagle Huntress—Here is a beautifully filmed documentary (true story) of a young girl in Mongolia who wants to become an eagle trainer/hunter. This is something only men of that area have done for generations, or even centuries. How to catch a baby bird, how to become friends with the wild creature—all this is shown. However, she must go against tradition. “The Eagle Huntress” is rated PG 13. Rating of 3 for fans of birds.

Inferno—Tom Hanks, fresh off “Scully,” now takes on the role of Robert Langdon in Dan Brown’s novel concerning deciphering clues from “Dante’s Inferno.” Of course, there is a villain to stop him, and Felicity Jones is there as Hanks’ partner in the search.  “Inferno” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans of Dan Brown’s works.

Rings—Oh, yes, Halloween must be near. You thought the video tapes were gone? Ha. It is back cursing anyone who watches it and this includes Alex Roe and Matilda Lutz. “Rings” is rated R. No rating.

NOVEMBER 04, 2016…

Bleed  For This is the story of a boxer, who suffered a near fatal injury in an accident and goes back into the ring. Stars Miles Teller.

Doctor Strange is adapted from a comic book and has Benedict Cumberbatch in the title role.

Hacksaw Ridge with Andrew Garfield (former Spider-Man) is based on the true story of a conscientious objector in WWII. Mel Gibson directs.

Loving is a true story about the romance between a white man (Joel Edgerton) and a back woman (Ruth Negga).

Trolls is an animated film on the lives of the little troll dolls. Remember them? One of the voices is Justin Timberlake.

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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.