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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!
We live in a bizarre world, don’t we? We have barometers, radar, Doppler, Interactive, and satellites. Then we wait for some ugly ground rat to come out of a hole and tell us when Spring is coming. Happy Groundhog Day.
(NOTE: THIS IS PREDICATE ON PHIL SEEING HIS SHADOW TODAY!) Yes, Punxatawney Phil did see his shadow… and predicted six more weeks of Weight Watchers.
(NOTE: THIS IS PREDICATE ON PHIL SEEING HIS SHADOW TODAY!) You’ve probably already heard that Punxsutawney Phil the groundhog emerged from his burrow, saw his shadow, and predicted six more weeks of cold winter weather. *** See, another weather expert who doesn’t buy global warming.
BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY
“In everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the prophets.” –Matthew 7:12
Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord you God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. — Deuteronomy 6:4-5
He did this so that all the peoples of the earth might know that the hand of the LORD is powerful and so that you might always fear the LORD your God. — Joshua 4:24
HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT
To the pure, all things are pure, but to those who are corrupted and do not believe, nothing is pure. In fact, both their minds and consciences are corrupted. — Titus 1:15
Thought: Rust stains, grass stains, blood stains, chocolate stains — ARGH! Those stains are real nightmares in the laundry room. They don’t just leave a stain on the surface of the fabric, but they also leave a residue that infiltrates the fibers of our clothes. Evil is that way. We must not kid ourselves. Evil corrupts and leaves a residue that corrupts everything it touches, including the hearts of otherwise decent people. That’s why we are urged to stay far away from evil and avoid its very appearance. That’s also why Jesus died: to not only overcome the Evil One, but to also clean away the stain and its residue.
Prayer: Father, guard my path and give me good Christian friends who will help guard my life from evil. In addition, dear Father, please help me as I seek to share the cleansing and liberating power of Christ with those around me who are caught in evil’s destructive and deceptive grasp. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.
The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to firstname.lastname@example.org.
“BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY
The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!
1 John 2:2 NIV = He is the atoning sacrifice for our sins, and not only for ours but also for the sins of the whole world.
TODAY IS TUESDAY – FEBRUARY 02, 2016
(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 328 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.
Today is NATIONAL HEAVENLY HASH DAY. *** I find nothing heavenly about hash whatsoever.
Today is SELF-RENEWAL DAY, a time to commit to personal growth. *** I’m always committed to personal growth. In fact, just this year I gained three pounds!
Today is HEDGEHOG DAY, the ancient Roman tradition that inspired Groundhog Day in the U.S.
Today is GROUNDHOG DAY. Legend says, if the groundhog comes out today and sees his shadow, it means six more weeks of winter. Officially – to see a shadow the sun must be shining and the groundhog has to look in the correct direction. The most famous U.S. groundhog is Punxutawney Phil of Pennsylvania. Jimmy the Groundhog is in Wisconsin. Also, a festival is held in the town of Wiarton in Bruce County, Ontario, to honor Groundhog Day. The town has its own groundhog, Wiarton Willie, which it shares with the nation. *** So… if Punxutawney Phil does not see his shadow (meaning an early Spring), but Jimmy the Groundhog does see his shadow (meaning six more weeks of winter), is Wiarton Willie the tie-breaker? (audio clip)
Today is WORLD PLAY YOUR UKULELE DAY. ***MARLAR: Although, wouldn’t this just encourage the groundhog to run back inside?
TODAY IS ALSO. . .
Ayn Rand Day
Groundhog Job Shadow Day
Sled Dog Day
COMING UP NEXT
WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 03
Four Chaplains Memorial Day
The Day The Music Died
National Girls & Women in Sports Day
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 04
Facebook’s Birthday (give them a poke!)
World Cancer Day
FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 05
Move Hollywood and Broadway to Lebanon, PA Day
Shower With a Friend Day (***They’d better be a reeeeeally good friend!)
Cordova Ice Worm Day
Wear Red Day
Working Naked Day (***I’m on the radio, so you’d never know… and no, I’m not going to tell you.)
SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 06
Canadian Maple Syrup Day
Lame Duck Day
International Day of Zero Tolerance to Female Genital Mutilation
Ice Cream For Breakfast Day
Take Your Child to the Library Day
SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 07
Dump Your Significant Jerk Day
National Periodic Table Day
Super Bowl 50
Wave All Your Fingers At Your Neighbors Day
MONDAY, FEBRUARY 08
Laugh And Get Rich Day
Chinese New Year
TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 09
Read in the Bathtub Day
Extraterrestrial Culture Day
Extraterrestrial Visitor Day
International Pancake Day
ON THIS DAY
1653: New Amsterdam was incorporated. Today it’s called New York City.
1876: The National Baseball League was formed, with teams in Boston, Chicago, Cincinnati, New York, Philadelphia, St. Louis, Louisville, and Hartford.
1881: The first formal church youth organization was established in the Williston Congregational Church in Portland, Maine. Called “Christian Endeavor,” it became the prototype of the modern denominational “youth fellowship.”
1886: Punxutawney, Pennsylvania, observed its first Groundhog Day. The annual trek to Gobbler’s Knob started in 1887.
1936: The five charter members of the new Baseball Hall of Fame were announced at Cooperstown, New York. Of 226 ballots cast, Ty Cobb received 222 votes, Babe Ruth 215, Honus Wagner 215, Christy Matthewson 205, and Walter Johnson 189. At least 170 votes were required for induction.
1956: 1956, Atlantic Records signed the LA doo-wop group the Coasters. The group went on to have a string of top hits, including “Searchin’,” “Yakety Yak,” and “Charlie Brown,” all written by Jerry Leiber and Mike Stoller.
1959: Buddy Holly performed for the last time. At the Surf Ballroom in Clear Lake, Iowa, he played drums for Ritchie Valens, the Big Bopper, and Dion.
1981: Duran Duran released its first single, “Planet Earth.” The group stole its name from the villain in the Jane Fonda movie Barbarella.
1985: Former football star O.J. Simpson married Nicole Brown. In 1995 Simpson was acquitted of the June 1994 murder of Nicole and her friend Ron Goodman.
1993: The U.S. issued patent #5,182,823 to Ron Alsip of Raynham, Massachusetts, for his Toilet Seat Clock, a toilet seat with a clock built into the space normally between one’s legs while sitting on the toilet.
1993: The U.S. issued a patent (#5,182,824) to Nickolas Cipriano of Philadelphia for the Wrestling Bed, a child’s bed with padded corner posts and surrounding ropes to make it resemble a wrestling ring.
1993: First lady Hillary Clinton banned smoking in the White House.
1996: In Coventry, England, when a 4-year-old was awakened by burglars, they told him they were friends of his parents and just came to borrow the TV, VCR, and stereo. The boy was happy to help, held the door open while the burglars carried out the loot, then went back upstairs to bed. The burglars were later caught and the property recovered.
1997: Globo television announced that Brazilians were catching cockroaches by the thousands and selling them to a Rio de Janiero lab involved in allergy research. The lab needed 600-thousand cockroaches and was paying $120 a pound. It takes roughly 54,545 roaches to make a pound.
1998: President Bill Clinton introduced the first U.S. balanced budget in 30 years.
2002: Thirty-year-old Cecilio Emilio Ritz, accused of murder, broke out of Yungay Prison in Santiago, Chile, and went drinking with his buddies at a nearby bar. About three hours later he staggered back to the prison and demanded to be let back in. He walked unsteadily to his cell and fell asleep.
2002: Britney Spears hosted “Saturday Night Live.”
2004: The Bush administration said a bipartisan commission would investigate why pre-war intelligence reports that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction apparently had been wrong.
TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY
767: Alcuin, the academic who would later play a large role in establishing schools under Charlemagne, becomes headmaster of York Cathedral School, where he once studied. Alcuin’s curriculum was built on the seven liberal arts: the elementary Trivium (grammar, rhetoric, and dialectic) and the more advanced Quadrivium.
1594: Giovanni F. da Palestrina, the most gifted composer of Renaissance church music passes away.
1745: Popular British poet and dramatist Hannah More is born. She renounced the social life and concentrated on religious efforts, such as setting up Sunday schools. For her work with the Clapham Sect of British social reformers, she was once derisively called “a bishop in petticoats”.
HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS
- actress (“Malcolm in the Middle,” “The Steve Harvey Show”, Dodgeball) Lori Beth Denberg 39 (audio clip)
- model Christie Brinkley is 61
- comic (The less-brainy half of the Smothers Brothers) Tom Smothers 78
(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)
1912 : Burton Lane
1927 : Stan Getz
1932 : Arthur Lyman
1934 : Clyde “Skip” Battin (Skip and Flip)
1940 : Alan Caddy (the Tornados, Johnny Kidd and the Pirates)
1942 : Graham Nash (The Hollies, Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young)
1946 : Howard Bellamy (The Bellamy Brothers)
1947 : Peter Lucia (Tommy James and The Shondells)
1948 : Alan McKay (Earth, Wind & Fire)
1950 : Ross Valory ( Journey, The Steve Miller Band)
1957 : Tony Butler (Big Country)
1966 : Robert DeLeo (Stone Temple Pilots)
1971 : Ben Mize (Counting Crows)
1975 : Billy Mohler (The Calling)
1977 : Shakira
SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE
Who invented Groundhog Day, and when?
It’s a new millennium. It’s now the 21st Century. We have super-computers running complex weather-forecasting models in real time, yet we ask a two-foot-long member of the squirrel family to consult its shadow on the length of winter. In truth, the groundhog, or woodchuck, is a stand-in for the badger, which German farmers in the 16th century first relied on for long-term forecasting. The custom may have even more ancient origins in a similar pagan ritual called Imbolc that occurred in the dead of winter. But the ancient pagans were decent enough not to bother any hibernating animals in the process. Maybe they just relied on their super-computers.
CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS
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Brandon Heath was in Orlando last week for a big event Thursday at NASA’s Kennedy Space Center. The Kennedy Space Center Visitor Complex held a day of remembrance in honor of the crews of Apollo 1 and space shuttles Challenger and Columbia. The event honored members of the NASA family who lost their lives while furthering the cause of exploration and discovery. This years event was on the 30th anniversary of the space shuttle Challenger tragedy. As part of the day long day of remembrance Brandon Heath performed his songs “Out There” and “Love Never Fails”.
The Winter Jam tour stop in Kansas City earlier this month was extra special for the band Stars Go Dim. Kansas City was the home of Chase Lovelace, a former drummer for the band before he passed away. Chase’s parents were in attendance and the members of Stars go Dim say they were blown away by the love that Kansas City brought for their own son. They added: Thank you for allowing us to recognize his legacy tonight.
Matthew West had a special guest join him on stage at a recent Winter Jam tour stop in Kansas City. Matthew is an outspoken Kansas City Royals fan and has done concerts for Royals faith events in the past. While in Kansas City, The general manager of the World Champion Kansas City Royals, Dayton Moore, returned the favor. He made a surprise appearance during Matthew’s set at the Sprint center. Dayton Moore share his faith with the 15,000 Kansas City Royals Fans in attendance. He told the crowd: “The success of this team is because of our great city, our great fans, our great players, and an almighty and powerful God.”
The movie This Is Winter Jam! will be in theatres for one night only on April 19th! Christian music’s biggest artists will bring you an up-close and personal look into one of the world’s largest tours, the Winter Jam Tour Spectacular. The movie will feature live performances from Skillet, Jeremy Camp, Francesca Battistelli, for KING & COUNTRY, and many more, and will also provide unprecedented backstage access, and never-before seen interviews from Winter Jam artists past and present. Check out the trailer for the upcoming movie now.
Michael W Smith was doing something different this week. He tweeted: Found myself being narrator today on a very special project, a musical called ALMOST THERE!
The 20th anniversary edition of the WOW CD series will be released this year. Wow Hits 20th Anniversary edition is set to release on March 18. It will feature some of the top songs from the past 2 decades of Christian music, from Mercyme’s I Can Only Imagine to Amy Grant’s El Shaddai. The project will also include DC Talk, for King and Country, Point of Grace Casting Crowns, Third Day, and many more.
Jodi, from Love and the Outcome, was enjoying some girl time this week. She tweeted a picture as she enjoyed a prayer time and tea party with fellow artists Francesca Battistelli, Lindsay McCaul, and Jaime Jamgochian. Jodi tweeted: Me and my baby boy are so blessed. Jodi is due in February and Francesca is due in March.
(No news on the weekends. Audio clips are only valid for a few days before being removed from our servers.)
NEW NEWS KICKERS…
Marvel Comics is selling superhero-themed bedding for adults. ***Finally – something to go along with my sexy Spiderman footsie pajamas!
A Lake County, Florida, man is in the hospital after an alligator bit him while he was doing yard work. William Bechard said he was pulling weeds less than a foot way from water when the 7-foot-7 gator jumped up and chomped down on his arm. ***Once treated he’ll be given a ticket for trying to feed wild animals.
Beijing customs officials seized nearly 1,000 live ants being shipped in test tubes from Germany. Authorities believe the ants were intended to be sold as pets. ***Because as we all know, Germany is experiencing a severe ant shortage. Well… how else do you explain this?
Japanese electronics maker NEC has unveiled a unique input mechanism that allows you to type on your arm using augmented reality. The system is called the ARmKeypad and it combines a set of glasses to visualize the virtual keyboard and a smartwatch to detect how fast you type. NEC thinks the innovation could be used in a wide range of working environments including healthcare, manufacturing, document management and even security. *** But you’re only able to type with one hand since the keyboard is on your other arm – so good luck using that shift key to capitalize your sentences. http://on.mash.to/1NjaPTa
NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…
A recent report shows that America will have a shortage of 52,000 doctors by 2025. ***The good news is they expect no shortage of bureaucrats telling the remaining doctors how to run their practices.
A restaurant in New York City is offering it’s customers the experience of eating in total silence. No talking is allowed. ***MARLAR: But no one is complaining because A) they’re not allowed to talk, and B) most of them are married anyway.
The Geneva, Switzerland’s Ethics Committee on non-human Gene Technology has issued a report on the “dignity of the creature in the plant world,” and declared that plants deserve respect and that killing them arbitrarily – for instance, decapitating them without a reason – is morally wrong. However, they didn’t object to genetic engineering of plants, since it didn’t interfere with their autonomy or ability to reproduce. And they ruled that certain cruel acts that kill plants are okay, such as using plants to save human life, or even “the simple pleasure of picking the petals off a daisy might suffice as a reason.” ***MARLAR: But it’s the death penalty for anyone caught mowing a lawn!
Scientists now tell us that your body literally glows, emitting a visible light in extremely small quantities at levels that rise and fall with the day. Past research has shown that the body emits visible light, 1,000 times less intense than the levels to which our naked eyes are sensitive. In fact, virtually all living creatures emit very weak light, which is thought to be a byproduct of biochemical reactions involving free radicals. ***MARLAR: Whew! That was a close one. My boss told me I was glowing just yesterday and I thought I was pregnant!
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Phillips Screwdriver”
DAILY COMEDY CLIP
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Kenn Kington, “Fast Food”
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TUESDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!
Last time, Gruffy Bear was doing so well filling in for a bowler in a tournament that he had to cancel the checkers game he promised to Sully. In fact, this is the third time Gruffy has canceled the game… and while Sully is disappointed, at least he’s being supportive…
CLOSE: You had to see that one coming, didn’t you? Gruffy has to decide again whether or not he’s going to keep his promise to Sully, or if he’s going to break his promise so he can help out his new bowling friends. What will he do? We’ll find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF FEBRUARY 06/07
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, Louis the lion – made king of the jungle by all the rest of the animals – found out that being king is a really big responsibility, and decided he didn’t want to be king any longer. So now all of the animals are out looking for a new animal to take over the throne – and it’s not going well!
CLOSE: Sounds like they’re getting closer to finding a king… at least they’ve found some kingly, uh… stuff. Tune in again next time for another episode of As the Jungle Turns!
***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.
MOMENT OF DUH
If you were a type of dirt, what kind of dirt would you be?
In May, the New Jersey Assembly voted 75-0 to name an official state dirt. Downer soil is a mixture of grayish brown and sandy dirt that absorbs water well, and the sponsors of the bill say it will help promote Garden State agriculture by making people talk about the farm dirt in a state that’s mostly thought of as urban. But critics called it “borderline ludicrous” and asked if the Assembly didn’t have more pressing issues to address than naming a state dirt. ***MARLAR: That’s right. They’re politicians – they shouldn’t be honoring dirt, they should be slinging mud.
TOP TEN THINGS THAT MEN UNDERSTAND ABOUT WOMEN:
THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER
A German police commissioner probably didn’t congratulate his men on their latest arrest.
FILE #1: After a local bank reported a man wearing a ski mask and brandishing a gun had robbed them, the police sprang into action. They found the abandoned getaway car and traced the license plate back to the commissioner’s girlfriend who admitted she had leant it to him for the week. The commissioner’s soon-to-be former co-workers said, “I’m surprised he used his girlfriend’s car though, even the dumbest thieves usually use stolen vehicles.”
FILE #2: If you’re going to rob a place, make sure you have clean socks on. A Russian burglar put socks on his hands to avoid leaving fingerprints at a jewelry store. He was caught only a few hours later. Police believe the dog tracked him down from the smell of the stinky socks that were stuffed in his pockets.
FILE #3: If you plan to go into the field of armed robbery, it’s a good idea to invest in your career by buying the proper tools of the trade. This is a piece of advice not heeded by Pelham, Georgia’s Marty Simpson. Instead of spending a couple of bucks on a ski mask, Marty robbed a Georgia convenience store with a milk crate on his head. Simpson pulled a gun, grabbed the loot and ditched the milk crate in the parking lot, giving everyone outside a good look at his face. The whole stupid incident was caught on surveillance tape and police nabbed him about two hours later.
STRANGE LAW: In Minnesota, a person may not cross-state lines with a duck atop their head.
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS
A convicted robber thought he could fool his probation officer by submitting someone else’s urine for a court- ordered drug test.
…The test showed that the burly, hairy-chested guy was drug free, but pregnant. So they tested him again, and this time he tested positive for cocaine use. He now faces a year in jail. ***MARLAR: Where I’m sure the other guys will throw him a lovely baby shower.
There was treasure in the tire. Three Indiana state highway workers found a truck tire by I-70, with about $100,000 stuffed inside. The workers were cleaning up roadside trash when they discovered the cash stash. State Police suspect it could be drug money and are investigating. Troopers are also praising the highway crew for turning in the loot. PHONER: What about you? Would you turn in $100,000 if you found it lying somewhere, or would you keep it? What if it was just $1,000? Or $100? What if it was $1,000,000?
BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!
QUESTION: In Corinth Paul met Aquila and Priscilla who had recently come from what city?
ANSWER: Rome (Acts 18:2)
QUESTION: What U.S. state has the highest number of cases of sunburn?
TRUE OR FALSE
Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!
- People with red hair usually can’t tolerate the smell of popcorn. (False – although in my particular case it happens to be true. This question is directly aimed at our traffic director, whom I know listens to the show religiously.)
- Male moths can smell female moths from seven miles away. (True)
- Most odometers in automobiles are off as much as 10 miles per thousand. (False)
- President Andrew Jackson thought the world was flat. (True)
- The only sport that is original to the U.S. is Basketball. (True)
- Barney the dinosaur was originally designed as a kangaroo. (False)
- The human body contains enough carbon to make more than 1200 #2 pencils. (True)
- The Hundred Years War lasted more than a hundred years. (True… 116 years)
- Panama Hats are really not made in Panama. (True… Ecuador)
- Catgut originally came from cats. (False… it came from sheep and horses)
TABLOID MATCH GAME
You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!
THE BIG BANG THEORY IS _______ (WRONG)
A top scholar says there are big holes in the big bang theory.
Babu Ranganathan writes:
Big Bang scientists extrapolate a hypothetical scenario from a few facts. Yes, some galaxies are expanding, moving further away, but this is not the case with the entire universe. There are galaxies in the universe running perpendicular to the rest of the galaxies. That’s contrary to Big Bang. If Big Bang really occurred, there should be a uniform distribution of gasses.
This uniform distribution of the gasses would have made sure that the gasses would not have coalesced, due to gravitational attraction, into planets and stars. The hypothesis of dark matter providing enough gravitational force has been recently discredited.
“The (galactic) structures discovered during the past few years, however, are so massive that even if CDM (Cold Dark Matter) did exist, it could not account for their formation” (Dr. Duane T. Gish, “The Big Bang Theory Collapses”). Furthermore, an explosion cannot explain the precise orbits and courses of thousands of billions of stars in thousands of billions of galaxies.
THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY
Nathan had finally made it to the last round of the $64,000 Question. The night before the big question, he told the M.C. that he desired a question on American History. The big night had arrived. Nathan made his way on stage in front of the studio and TV audience. He had become the talk of the week. He was the best guest this show had ever seen. The M.C. stepped up to the microphone…
“Nathan, you have chosen American History as your final question. You know that if you correctly answer this question, you will walk away $64,000 dollars richer. Are you ready?”
Nathan nodded with a cocky confidence and the crowd went nuts. He hadn’t missed a single question all week.
“Nathan, your question on American History is a two part question. As you know, you may answer either part first. As a rule, the second half of the question is almost always easier. Which part would you like to take a stab at first?”
Nathan was now becoming more and more nervous. He couldn’t believe it, but he was drawing a blank. American History was his easiest subject, but he decided to play it safe. . .
“I’ll try the second part first.”
The M.C. nodded approvingly. “Here we go Nathan. I will ask you the second half first, then the first half.”
The audience tensed in silent anticipation……
“Nathan, here is your question: And in what year did it happen??”
A game warden noticed how a particular fellow named Sam consistently caught more fish than anyone else. Whereas the other guys would only catch three or four fish a day, Sam would come in from the lake with a boat full of fish.
Stringer after stringer was packed with freshly caught trout. The warden, curious, asked Sam his secret. The successful fisherman invited the game warden to accompany him and observe.
So the next morning, the two met at the dock and took off in Sam’s boat. When they got to the middle of the lake, Sam stopped the boat, and the warden sat back to see how it was done.
Sam’s approach was simple: He took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it into the air. The explosion rocked the lake with such a force that dead fish immediately began to surface. Sam took out a net and started scooping them up.
Well, you can imagine the reaction of the game warden. When he recovered from the shock of it all, he began yelling at Sam, “You can’t do this! I’ll put you in jail, buddy! You will be paying every fine there is!”
Sam, meanwhile, set his net down and took out another stick of dynamite. He lit it and tossed it in the lap of the game warden, “Are you going to sit there all day complaining, or are you going to fish?”
The first graders were attending their first music lesson. The teacher was trying to begin at the beginning. She drew a musical staff on the blackboard and asked a little girl to come up and write a note on it. The little girl went to the blackboard, looked thoughtful for a minute and wrote, “Dear Aunt Emma, just a short note to tell you I’m fine.”
Bought any Girl Scout cookies yet this year? Addicted to the Shortbread, Somoas, or the Caramel Delights? Some folks are so addicted to them; they buy them even if they have no money to buy them. Could you imagine giving a Girl Scout a check that you knew was going to bounce? Get this, the Girls Scouts council that serves the San Diego-Imperial County region of Southern California lost $20,000 one year on bad checks. Now, anyone who bounces a check for more than $100 can expect to hear from county prosecutors. ***MARLAR: If you’re so addicted to cookies that you’re willing to write a rubber check to get them, you need to check yourself into rehab… or a rubber room.
A man in Graz, Austria who claimed he was Superman and could fly was hospitalized after leaping from a fourth-floor window, authorities said. ***MARLAR: That’s a really stupid, delusional thing to do, because, as everybody knows, I’m Superman.
My niece was visiting one day when she asked, “Uncle Darren, do you know how you and God are alike?”
I mentally polished my halo while I asked, “No, how are we alike?”
“You’re both old,” she replied.
IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!
COLLEGE ENTRANCE EXAM!
Remember the days of taking “SAT’s”, “ACT’s, and other standardized college entrance examinations? Well, those days may be over.
If you were bad at “test taking”, it could be the difference upon being accepted to your desired choice for a higher education. Now, several schools across the country are providing an alternative to “standardized testing” and it involves the use of Legos! The “Lego Test” puts emphasis on hard-to-measure characteristics and less on the standardized testing. Groups of 8 to 10 students are given a box full of Lego pieces and told that they have 10 minutes to build a robot exactly like one sitting on a table in an adjacent room. Each group member is allowed to look at the robot, one at a time without taking notes. Evaluators then grade members of the group as they snap together their version of the robot. ***MARLAR: If only they’d used Lincoln Logs I might’ve had a shot at a good college.
DAILY SURVIVAL KIT
- Rubber Band
- Band Aid
- Chewing Gum
- Candy Kiss
- Tea Bag
- TOOTHPICK – to remind you to pick out the good qualities in others. Matt. 7:1
- RUBBER BAND – to remind you to be flexible, things might not always go the way you want, but it will work out. Romans 8:28
- BAND AID – to remind you to heal hurt feelings, yours or someone else’s. Col. 3:12-14
- PENCIL – to remind you to list your blessings every day. Eph. 1:3
- ERASER – To remind you that everyone makes mistakes, and it’s OK. Gen. 50:15-21
- CHEWING GUM – to remind you to stick with it and you can accomplish anything. Phil 4:13
- MINT – to remind you that you are worth a mint! John 3:16-17
- CANDY KISS – to remind you that everyone needs a kiss or a hug every day. John 4:7
- TEA BAG – to remind you to relax daily and go over that list of blessings. Thess 5:18
“A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one. Friends are a very rare jewel, indeed. They make you smile and encourage you to succeed. They lend an ear, share a word of praise and they always open their hearts to us.”
DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL
THAT’S A WRAP!
As God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. –Colossians 3:12
Just when you thought the advertising folks had covered all the bases, an enterprising California man has capitalized on the idea of transforming private automobiles into traveling billboards. Daniel Shifrin’s company pays drivers up to $400 a month to have their personal cars draped with a clear vinyl wrapper that touts everything from insurance to ice cream.
One rival company is planning to offer carefully selected applicants a pre-wrapped car to drive scot-free for 2 years. If you’d like to be considered, just remember that 25,000 people are in line ahead of you.
While some people object to this further intrusion of advertising into private life, others see no difference between a wrapped car and the designer logos on shirts and jeans. “I’m making the choice to do with my car as I please,” said a San Francisco driver who receives $250 every month for a partial wrap.
When you think about it, all of us are wrapped in something and we choose what it is every day. From our clothes to our personalities, we are walking advertisements for something or someone.
When Paul wrote to the Christians in Colosse, he urged them, “. . . clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. . . . And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity” (Colossians 3:12,14).
In other words, we are to wrap ourselves in Christ and let His presence permeate everything we do and say. That begins with quiet time to talk to the Lord in prayer and to listen to Him through His Word. It continues by offering ourselves to Christ each day, asking Him to show us the way to honor Him in all our relationships, and receiving the Holy Spirit’s power to follow through.
A car that looks like a pint of ice cream is worth a second look. And so is a person who acts like Jesus. That’s a wrap! –-DM
GOIN’ FOR A SPIN
A Laundromat owner in a Welsh town is afraid that if youngsters continue to play “truth or dare” in his store, someone is going to get hurt.
…You see, youngsters have been playing the game in a heavy-duty tumble dryer. The schoolboys were paying to see who could spin inside the dryers the longest. 36 year old Stuart Fecci concurred that his dryers become dangerously hot once they have been running for a few minutes, along with the fact that the machines are gas-fired, producing potentially deadly carbon monoxide gas. ***MARLAR: Most moms can’t get their kids near a washing machine, let alone inside one!
LIFE… LIVE IT
FIFTEEN THINGS YOUR MAIL CARRIER WON’T TELL YOU
(From Readers Digest)
- Maybe your dog won’t bite you. But in 2009, 2,863 of us were bitten, an average of nine bites per delivery day.
- Remember this on Valentine’s Day: It takes our machines longer to read addresses on red envelopes (especially if they’re written in colored ink).
- Why stand in line? At usps.com, you can buy stamps, place a hold on your mail, change your address, and apply for passports.
- Media Mail is a bargain, but most of you don’t know to ask for it…
- Most of us love our jobs and the people we serve. I met my wife and my best friend because I was their letter carrier.
- We go to great lengths to deliver to every address, no matter how remote. That’s why, in the most rural areas, even UPS and FedEx rely on us to make their final deliveries.
- Those plants around your mailbox are beautiful, but I’d like them better if you kept them trimmed back.
- Is it hot enough for me? The heat index is 110 degrees. What do you think? (Instead of asking that, offer me a cold drink.)
- Despite the “neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night” motto, we’re instructed not to deliver to a mailbox if the snow and ice around it isn’t cleared. Most of us take the motto to heart, though, and do our best to deliver in even the most hazardous conditions.
- I have people who leave a letter in their box and tape 44 cents in change to it. I’ll take it, but the next day I’ll be waiting in line like everyone else to buy you a stamp.
- One day while delivering to a woman who had been very sick, her daughter met me by the mailbox and asked me if I wanted to say goodbye to her mom. She was unconscious and didn’t know that I was there, but I held her hand and said a silent prayer for her and her family. It wasn’t even an hour later when another customer met me at his door. He was a new father, overjoyed, telling me that his wife had just given birth to his son. The whole cycle of life, in just one day.
- It’s a small thing that makes my job so much easier: Please park your car in the driveway instead of in front of the mailbox.
- If a letter has your name but the number is wrong and it gets to you, thank your carrier. We still sort our mail before we hit the street.
- If your carrier walks his route, it would be nice if you would sweep or shovel your stairs when it snows.
- Sometimes, when my wife and I are shopping or out to dinner, I ask if they give discounts to people in the “service.” They usually say “yes,” then ask “What branch are you in?” I reply, “postal.” I usually get a funny look and a little snicker… I guess that means I’m just going to have to wait for my senior citizens discount.
(Sources: Letter carriers in Missouri, New Jersey, and North Carolina; Fredric Rolando, president of the National Association of Letter Carriers; and a spokesman for the U.S. Postal Service.)
JUST FOR FUN
SONG OF THE SOUTH
A man with the name of, well… you won’t believe it unless I sing it for you…”Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah”…
My oh my it’s a wonderful day for Zipardi Duda from England. Anthony Duda (his given name at birth) says that he has taken the new name to promote a charity for children in Tanzania that he set up. His real last name happens to be Duda, so I guess Zipardi just comes in naturally. Zipardi Duda says that his family name had for years prompted jokes from friends and that in the end he had given in. His new name echoes the title of the song “Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah” which was featured in the 1946 Disney film Song of the South. He even received permission from Walt Disney Co. for the change to his name. ***MARLAR: Would I lie to you? Of course not! It’s truth, it’s actual! Everything is satisfactual! (audio clip)
Thank the good Lord for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
- The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water.” The sermon tonight: “Searching for Jesus.”
- Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your husbands.
- The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict
- For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
- Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
- Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack’s sermons.
- Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
- Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…
I have been in many places, but I’ve never been in Cahoots.
Apparently, you can’t go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
I’ve also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
I have, however, been in Sane. They don’t have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work. I live close so it’s a short drive.
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I’m not too much on physical activity anymore.
I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.
I’ve been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.
Sometimes I’m in Capable, and I go there more often as I’m getting older.
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!
And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not.
People keep telling me I’m in Denial but I’m positive I’ve never been there before!
I have been in Deepdoodoo many times; the older I get, the easier it is to get there. I actually kind of enjoy it there.
So far, I haven’t been in Continent; but my travel agent says I’ll be going soon.
OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP
GROUNDHOG DAY! The official groundhog, Punxsutawney Phil, lives at Gobbler’s Knob near Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania. Many weather researchers questioned the groundhog’s accuracy in predicting the weather but some of the groundhog’s fans may not agree. According to Groundhog Day organizers, the rodents’ forecasts are accurate 75% to 90% of the time. However, According to the StormFax Weather Almanac and records kept since 1887, Punxsutawney Phil’s weather predictions have been correct 39% of the time.
Are Christians fighting a “worship war”? According to All About Worship.com not only are we fighting a war but we are fighting the wrong war. Instead of fighting about petty things like what to wear or what to sing or the order of the announcements, they say we should be coming together to fight the darkness. We’re in a battle against the darkness, and the souls of men are at stake. The All about Worship web site goes on to point out that Worship is not about us. It never has been, and it never will be. Worship exists for one reason and one reason only: to make much of Jesus. They add: How different would this world be if there was unity among the body of Christ. Read the entire article here: http://bit.ly/ZsVSMX.
ZME Science has combined 14 world maps to bring the world we live in into perspective. The maps include the location of the worlds population, the conflicts around the world, income levels, countries with safe tap water, and more. It’s an interesting look at how America compares with the rest of the globe.
AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT
Today is Ground Hog Day, so don’t forget to give your special someone a five-pound box of sausage.
In (BIG CITY), they don’t have a groundhog, they have a road hog. If he sees his shadow it means six more decades of traffic jams.
I’m not really all that interested in Groundhog Day because the groundhog doesn’t come down the chimney and leave presents.
Today is Groundhog Day, in Florida they’ve done away with the groundhog in favor of using an alligator. If he sees his shadow, it’s 6 more weeks of tourists.
THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER
Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).
JANUARY 29, 2016…
*Note: Yet again, moved from an earlier date: Jane Got A Gun—This western is set back in pioneer days and tells the story of Jane (Natalie Portman and she fought bad guys in “Star Wars“), who is married and lives on a nice, little ranch. She catches the eye of the bad guy (Ewan McGregor) and he ends up wounding her husband. Jane needs help, so goes to an old boyfriend, Joel Edgerton, and then the battle begins. “Jane Got A Gun” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans of the stars.
The Finest Hours—Based on a real disaster in the seas around 1952, the Coast Guard finished a climactic rescue against all odds. The 2009 book by M. J. Tougias tells the story, also. If you want to know what terrible storms on the seas are like, also see “The Perfect Storm” film starring George Clooney. No picnic. This film stars Chris Pine, Casey Affleck, Eric Bana and Ben Foster. “The Finest Hours” is rated R. Rating of 3.
Kung Fu Panda 3—Yes, even the sequel has a sequel. Can’t keep a good Panda down. In this movie Poo has to travel to meet his biological father because there has been an arranged marriage between Poo and another Panda. In the meantime, there is a villain lurking about, as always. Jack Black is the voice of Poo, and other actors voices include Angelina Jolie, Dustin Hoffman, Jackie Chan and Seth Rogen. “Kung Fu Panda 3” is rated PG. Rating of 3.
50 Shades Of Black—It had to happen. Marlon Wayans both stars and puts together this parody of “50 Shades of Gray,” only this time the cast is African-American. A rough edge on the comedy. Stars include Kali Hawk, Marlon Wayans, Jane Seymour and Mike Epps. “50 Shades Of Black” is rated R. No rating.
Lazer Team—A science fiction comedy, this plot has a group of average citizens finding a space ship with space suits inside. Of course, they don’t know how to operate anything, but try to help people anyway. This cast has Alan Ritchson, Irina Voronina and Colton Dunn. “Lazer Team” is rated PG 13. No rating.
The Pastor—No rating on this yet, but could be PG 13. “The Pastor” is a story of a former gang member, released from prison, who begins a church in a Hispanic gang neighborhood. Problems happen that are difficult to deal with and test his faith. The cast has Franky G, Victoria Cartagena and Angelic Zambiana. No rating.
FEBRUARY 05, 2016…
The Choice is a drama with romance about two people and love at first sight. Stars Benjamin Walker and Teresa Palmer.
Hail! Caesar is a comedy by the Coen Brothers concerning the kidnapping of a Hollywood star. The cast includes George Clooney and Josh Brolin.
Pride and Prejudice and Zombies and you read that right. Loosely—quite loosely—adapted from the Jane Austen book, Lily James (“Downton Abbey”) and her sisters wear corsets and battle evil.
Regression is a thriller about a man who doesn’t remember abusing his daughter. Stars include Ethan Hawke, David Dencik and Emma Watson.
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