September 01, 2015: Tuesday ONAIRprep

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PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20150901

 

 

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

This is the (JOCK) Show. The radio program 95% of dentists listen to while they sharpen their drills. Toms Lake Humor Company

 

 

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“A man’s pride will bring him low, but the humble in spirit will retain honor.” –Proverbs 29:23

 

Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. –Romans 12:10

 

There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus. — Galatians 3:28

 

 

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. — Philippians 4:12

 

Thought: Contentment! Mmmm, I’d like to have a little of that; how about you? I find it hard to be contented about almost anything. My performance is not up to par. My weight isn’t where it should be. My words were a little insensitive in the last conversation. It’s even easier to slip into recognizing what we don’t have financially and then pursue that. But before money, possessions, health, or any other thing can be truly enjoyed, we first have to learn that contentment is not based on our circumstances but our salvation.

 

Prayer: Almighty and generous God, you are the giver of all good gifts, so now I would like your help in finding the gift of contentment. Bless me as you choose, for I know deep in my heart that no blessing can compare to being your child and being loved and known personally by you. In Jesus’ name I thank you. Amen.

 

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

 

 

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

Psalm 9:1 NIV = I will praise you, O LORD, with all my heart; I will tell of all your wonders.

 

 

TODAY IS TUESDAY – SEPTEMBER 01, 2015

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 119 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.  

 

Today is SING A SILLY SONG IN BED DAY.  ***MARLAR: You can’t get up until you do!

 

 

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Building and Code Staff Appreciation Day

Calendar Adjustment Day

Chicken Boy’s Day

Emma M. Nutt Day

International Day of Awareness of the Dolphins of Taiji

National No Rhyme (Nor Reason) Day

Save Japan’s Dolphins Day

Toy Tips Executive Toy Test Day

 

 

COMING UP NEXT

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 02

Bison-ten Yell Day

V-J Day

 

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 03

Penny Press Day

 

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 04

Bring Your Manners To Work Day

Cow Chip Throwing Days

National College Colors Day

Hug Your Boss Day

National Lazy Boss Day

National Wildlife Day

Newspaper Carrier Day

 

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 05

Cow Chip Throwing Days

Bacon Day

Be Late For Something Day

Franchise Appreciation Day

International Day of Charity

Jury Rights Day

National Buffalo Chicken Wings Days

National Writing Date Day

Pet Rock Day

 

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 06

National Buffalo Chicken Wings Days

 

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 07

Google Commemoration Day

Great Bathtub Race

Grandma Moses Day

Labor Day

National Attention Deficit Disorder Awareness Day

“Neither Snow Nor Rain” Day

Salami Day

 

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 08

Another Look Unlimited Day

International Literacy Day

Pardon Day

Pediatric Hematology/Oncology Nurses Day

Virgin Mary Day

World Physical Therapy Day

 

 

ON THIS DAY

1878: Emma M. Nutt became the first female telephone operator in the U.S., for the Telephone Dispatch Company of Boston.

 

1905: King Zog became the first king of Albania.

 

1933: Harold Jenkins was born in Friars Point, Mississippi. As Conway Twitty he had 54 #1 pop and country songs. He died in 1993.

 

1945: RKO sold rights to the movie script “The Greatest Gift” to Frank Capra for $10-thousand. Capra turned it into a film called “It’s A Wonderful Life.”

 

1949: “Martin Kane, Private Eye” debuted on NBC-TV.

 

1956: Elvis Presley gave his mother a Cadillac—a pink Cadillac.

 

1979: A Los Angeles court ordered actor Clayton Moore to stop wearing his Lone Ranger mask. (

)

 

1981: Goodman Music Company of Dallas offered a free shotgun with the purchase of any organ or piano.

 

1985: The wreck of the luxury liner Titanic, sunk by an iceberg in 1912, was found by French and American scientists 370 miles south of Newfoundland.

 

1992: Whittle Communications’ Special Report magazine published results of an extensive burglar survey that showed 32% of burglars like to browse through family photos while on the job, 27% raid the refrigerator, and 7% watch TV.

 

1993: In Munich, Germany, a burglar returned a violin to its owner with a note that it was out of tune. The 300-year-old violin was worth $80-thousand.

 

1998: Vancouver police announced that a weekend radar trap had caught 12 rollerbladers barreling along at 12 to 15 miles an hour in a 9-mile-an-hour zone. Police set up the speed trap after pedestrians complained about unsafe skating.

 

2002: Actress Sarah Michelle Geller married her “Scooby-Doo” co-star Freddie Prinze Jr. in Mexico.

 

2004: Sexual assault charges against pro basketball star Kobe Bryant were dropped at the request of the prosecution after the alleged victim refused to testify.

 

2005: A Silicon Valley computer engineer who lost his job because he ate two pieces of pepperoni pizza left over from a company meeting won a free Caribbean cruise for winning an Internet contest that solicited stories about outrageous firings. Jim Garrison’s story was chosen from more than a thousand entries.

 

 

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

(None today)

 

 

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actor (Ben Covington on “Felicity”, Underworld, XXX: State of the Union) Scott Speedman 40 (
    )
  • TV talker Dr. Phil 63
  • comic (Nine to Five, The Incredible Shrinking Woman, “The West Wing”) Lily Tomlin 76 (
    )

 

 

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1927 : Tommy Evans (The Drifters)

1931 : Boxcar Willie

1935 : Conway Twitty

1940 : Dave White (Danny and the Juniors)

1941 : Roy Head

1941 : Diane Ray

1944 : Archie Bell

1946 : Greg Errico (Sly and the Family Stone)

1947 : Barry Gibb (The Bee Gees)

1949 : Russ Field (Showaddywaddy)

1950 : Peter Hewson (Chicory Tip)

1957 : Gloria Estefan

 

 

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

What’s the difference between a comet and a meteor?

Both have provided end of the world scenarios for science fiction films as a big rock plummets out of the heavens to smash shopping malls, fast food stands, used car lots and other artifacts of advanced civilization. In reality, comets, like planets, orbit the Sun. They consist of solid matter and ice and have a tail when they pass near the Sun. Comets are heralded and hyped way in advance of their arrival but often prove to be as vivid and exciting as a cloudy day. Meteors are pieces of solid material that have broken away from some heavenly body. Rather than orbit permanently they streak toward the Earth, burning up as they hit the atmosphere. An enormous one landing in the ocean and changing Earth’s climate may have led to the extinction of dinosaurs. It certainly spoiled the weekend.

 

 

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE! Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

 

Casting Crowns Mark Hall says he has taken the liberty of creating your shopping list for the week. Mark shared a picture of all 13 of the bands CDs along with the text: Do You Have Them?

 

Steven Curtis Chapman was recording a new live worship record in San Antonio over the weekend. The album titled Believe was recorded at the Oak Hills Church. No word on a release date at this point but word is that it was a very special night.

 

An emotional moment for Tenth Avenue North’s Mike Donehey. He recently opened his journal after leaving on another flight and found that his daughter had left him two pages of drawings. Mike added: I cried most of the trip. http://pic.twitter.com/1OkB0JHaLR

 

A close call for Colton Dixon. He shared online: When you accidentally turn your hair blue. The accompanying picture proved that he did indeed have bluish sliver hair. However, the news gets better. Colton says he was able to get it out, adding: Thanks Color Opps.  http://instagram.com/p/66qQzsQjRn/

 

A bit of a scare for Selah member Todd Smith and his family. He wife Angie shared a video of a shark swimming just off shore along with this post: Just finished swimming in the Gulf when this guy decided to join us!

 

Brandon Heath says one of his favorite things about Kentucky just came to Tennessee. Brandon says Ale-8-One, a soft drink bottled in Kentucky, is now available in Tennessee.

 

Christy Nockels starting showing pictures of their new home over the weekend. She shared a picture of the front porch of their new homestead, affectionately named Keepers Branch. Christy said she is dreaming that this will be a sweet place of love, life and leadership for the years to come! She also promised to share some pictures of their progress along the way as they make this place their home. Meanwhile, the Nockels family continues to deal with all the pains of moving. Christy said: all of our belongings are still in storage in literally 6 different places. Moving will help you remember what’s important, that’s for sure.

 

Kari Jobe is getting in some baby practice before the birth of her baby in 2016. She was babysitting and shared: auntie life prepping me for my new season coming in 6 months.

 

Third Day’s Mac Powell is helping promote the latest Kendrick brothers movie War Room. He tweeted: Go see War Room this weekend! I laughed, I cried-very encouraging! Made me wanna be a better husband, father and pray-er.

 

Casting Crowns Mark Hall has released a short kidney update video and apparently doctors want him to make a few changes in his diet. He said: The kidney that I still have isn’t doing so hot so, apparently, to get it better, I need to stop eating meat, ketchup, and other things men eat. Mark had one kidney removed back in March after doctors found a cancerous mass. While the surgery was a success it sound like Mark is finding that the limitations of life with just one kidney are a little more limiting than he had hoped. https://t.co/TvpVIEETpH

 

 

WEIRD & WACKY

Naked, body-painted bicyclists ride through Philadelphia    photo
PHILADELPHIA (AP) — Thousands of bicyclists in various stages of undress have pedaled their way around the city to promote fuel conservation and positive body image. The Philly Naked Bike Ride on Saturday featured people sporting masks, underwear, body paint, glitter or nothing at all. A lot…

 

Teacher who was late 111 times says he was eating breakfast
TRENTON, N.J. (AP) — An elementary school teacher who was allowed to keep his job despite being late for work 111 times in two years said Friday that breakfast is to blame for his tardiness. “I have a bad habit of eating breakfast in the morning, and I lost track of time,” 15-year veteran…
Lottery winners don’t get largesse, but get left out
SPRINGFIELD, Ill. (AP) — Big-time Illinois Lottery winners aren’t getting the largesse. They’re getting left out. Without a state budget agreement two months into the new fiscal year, there’s no authority for the state comptroller to cut checks over $25,000. That means smaller winnings can be…
Benedictine monk relaxing atop wind turbine spotted by drone
PORTSMOUTH, R.I. (AP) — A Benedictine monk who works at a private Rhode Island school has discovered that finding solitude is no easy feat, even 175 feet in the air. Brother Joseph Byron was recently relaxing atop the Portsmouth Abbey School’s wind turbine — as he often does —…
Golf club owner agrees to pay $100,000 over manure incident
ESCONDIDO, Calif. (AP) — The owner of a Southern California golf club, who raised a stink by spreading chicken manure on the course, has agreed to pay $100,000 to air pollution regulators. HASH(0x13e0480) San Diego County’s Air Pollution Control District claimed that last year, the owner had…
Alleged Facebook mention in prayer call sparks Egypt outcry
CAIRO (AP) — Egyptians in a Nile Delta province are outraged after a cleric allegedly changed a line in the traditional Islamic call to dawn prayers to mention Facebook. Instead of saying “prayer is better than sleep” twice, as he was supposed to, Shiekh Mahmoud Maghazi of Beheira province…
Police confront North Dakota students armed with telescope
FARGO, N.D. (AP) — Two North Dakota State University students got a scare when armed police officers mistook their telescope for a rifle. HASH(0x13ec0b0) They couldn’t see who was shining the light and presumed it was a prank by other students. An officer on patrol had spotted the two and…
Girls named Destiny questioned in cliffside vandalism case    photo
BOISE, Idaho (AP) — Sheriff’s deputies have interviewed more than a dozen girls named “Destiny” trying to crack a vandalism case where someone spray-painted a prom invitation on a southwest Idaho cliffside. But Ada County Sheriff’s Office spokesman Patrick Orr tells KBOI-TV…
‘Fire hazard’ home burns as couple signs deed to buy it
MEYERSDALE, Pa. (AP) — A western Pennsylvania couple who bought a neighboring vacant house because they feared it was a fire hazard was right: It caught fire while they were at the county courthouse signing the deed. HASH(0x14141b0) A neighbor called 911 to report the fire at about 3 p.m….
WWI cannon swiped from outside Veterans of Foreign Wars post
BENTON TOWNSHIP, Mich. (AP) — A World War I cannon was stolen from outside a Veterans of Foreign Wars building in Michigan, and an official is concerned it could be sold for scrap metal. HASH(0x13d3180) The 12- to 14-foot-long cannon has a heavy metal barrel, wooden wheel spokes and sat on a…
Beware manspreading, enjoy wine o’clock: new Oxford words    photo
LONDON (AP) — Manspreading is so widespread it’s now a word. The term, coined by commuters, refers to men on public transport who splay their legs wide apart and encroach on neighboring seats. It’s now been added to OxfordDictionaries.com. The free online dictionary of current usage, created…

 

 

 

HEALTH & FITNESS

Study: Tiny, wireless pacemaker could be surgery-free option    photo
LONDON (AP) — A tiny, wireless pacemaker could offer some heart patients a surgery-free alternative to the traditional devices, a new study says. Some doctors, however, say there are lingering safety questions and warned patients not to rush to get the new technology.   Unlike traditional…

 

Sierra Leone: Officials confirm new Ebola death
FREETOWN, Sierra Leone (AP) — Health officials in Sierra Leone on Sunday confirmed an Ebola death less than a week after the country’s last known patient was discharged from a hospital. Samples from the body of a 67-year-old woman who died recently in Kambia district in the country’s north…
Q&A: Questions, answers in Planned Parenthood controversy    photo
LOS ANGELES (AP) — Planned Parenthood Federation of America is defending its abortion practices and its donation of fetal tissue for medical research. It sent a letter Thursday to congressional leaders and included a report by experts it hired who found that undercover videos of its officials…
Leading stem cell scientist cleared of misconduct charges    photo
LONDON (AP) — Sweden’s Karolinska Institute says a leading stem cell scientist accused of unethical behavior has been cleared of scientific misconduct though he sometimes acted without due care. In a statement released on Friday, the university said complaints leveled against Dr. Paolo…
FDA lays out proposal for naming lower-cost biotech drugs
WASHINGTON (AP) — The Food and Drug Administration released its proposal Thursday for naming lower-cost biotech drugs, a critical step in creating a market for the new class of medicines. These quasi-generic biotech drugs have the potential to save the U.S. health care system billions of…
Planned Parenthood alleges ‘smear’ in letter to Congress    photo
LOS ANGELES (AP) — Planned Parenthood Federation of America defended its practices Thursday in a lengthy letter to congressional leaders and included a report by experts it hired who found undercover videos of officials discussing fetal tissue for research were heavily altered by…
Contact lens makers take fight over price law to court    photo
DENVER (AP) — Contact lens makers struggled Thursday to defend their pricing policies in a federal appeals case that could have wide-ranging effects on the $4 billion industry. At issue is a Utah law banning minimum prices for contact lenses. The nation’s largest contact lens companies…
Health official: States should post local vaccination info    photo
NEW YORK (AP) — How many kids are vaccinated at your child’s school? Federal health officials think you should be able to easily find out. Last school year, only 21 states posted vaccination rates for individual schools, school districts, counties or areas of the state. The Centers for…
What killed Knut? Riddle of polar bear’s death solved    photo
BERLIN (AP) — The sudden death four years ago of Knut, the celebrity Berlin Zoo polar bear who ended up on the cover of Vanity Fair, shocked his fans around the world and posed a riddle for veterinarians anxious to keep other animals from suffering the same fate. What killed Knut? The answer…
Amgen wins approval for second biotech cholesterol drug    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — Amgen Inc. has won federal approval for the second medicine in a new class of pricey biotech drugs that reduce artery-clogging cholesterol more than older statin drugs that have been used for decades. The drug Repatha could eventually help millions of Americans who face…
Woman gives birth to conjoined twins in Colorado    photo
AURORA, Colo. (AP) — A Colorado hospital where a Minnesota woman gave birth to conjoined twins said Thursday that one of the babies died after a complicated five-hour separation procedure. Amber McCullough delivered the twin girls, Hannah and Olivia, by cesarean section on Wednesday. Doctors…

 

 

 

NEWS KICKERS

(None on the weekends)

 

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

A panda at a zoo in Taipei is accused of faking a pregnancy to get better food and accommodations. Expectant pandas are moved to air-conditioned rooms and given more buns, fruit and bamboo. Keepers were excited when giant panda Yuan Yuan began exhibiting signs of pregnancy. But ultrasound scans determined that Yuan Yuan was not pregnant… *** It’s true… Yuan Yuan is the loneliest number you’ll ever do.

 

A Vancouver, Washington, man was taken into custody after a standoff with police in which he serenaded them while standing in front of his house naked and playing the banjo. Police were called to the man’s neighborhood because he was allegedly walking around with a knife.  *** Obviously he did NOT have a knife.  He was naked –  where would he keep it while playing the banjo?

 

An elementary school teacher has been allowed to keep his $90-thousand-a-year job despite being late for work 111 times in two years. Fifteen-year veteran teacher Arnold Anderson explains that breakfast is to blame for his tardiness. He says: “I have a bad habit of eating breakfast in the morning and I lost track of time.”  ***You were late 111 times in two years – that averages out to about once a week you were late.  Are you only eating breakfast once a week?  And what about the first thirteen years of your teaching career?  You just never ate breakfast those years?

 

A new poll finds the three words most commonly associated with Donald Trump are: “arrogant,” “blowhard” and “idiot.”  ***Or is that Hillary?  It’s kinda hard to tell at this point.

 

 

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

Bosses who notice an employee’s performance drop in one aspect of the job shouldn’t immediately think the employee is slacking off. A study led by a University of Toronto professor discovered that in many cases the employee has just shifted and refocused his efforts on a different set of tasks, which should be considered a positive sign of adaptability.  ***MARLAR: So the next time the boss sees me switch over from Facebook to Twitter, I can tell him I’m being extra-productive!

 

Researchers at the Royal Veterinary College in Hatfield, England, are studying why ostriches are able to run so fast. The birds can do about 20 mph on a good day despite the fact that they weigh over 200 pounds and run with a very awkward gait. So how do you research something like this? The team’s job is basically to observe 15 ostriches running on treadmills all day long.  ***MARLAR: I will never complain about my job being boring ever again…

 

Customer loyalty may be in short supply with bank fees soaring — and consumers will face tough decisions as they consider fleeing longtime banking relationships over lower service fees.  A recent poll, conducted by Princeton Survey Research Associates International, finds a majority of Americans say they would rather switch banks than pay higher bank fees.  ***MARLAR: The difficult part will be finding a bed mattress that has a checking account.

 

People earning over $100,000 a year are almost twice as likely to apologize after an argument or mistake as those who earn $25,000 or less, according to a Zogby International survey.  ***MARLAR: And on the off-chance it works in reverse as well, I’d like to apologize profusely to everyone I’ve ever known – and I’ll do so again tomorrow, and the next day.

 

 

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Hi Hi, Bye Bye”

 

 

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Scott Wood, “Bad Breath”

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TUESDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle island of Razzleflabbin, Marvy Snuffleson had voiced his disgust over having to work so much – he was tired of it and didn’t want to work anymore. Now he’s on Razzleflabbin Island, and his friends Karl and Olaf are showing him their new weekly calendar clock-tower…

 

CLOSE: Every day could be Saturday… we all wish that from time to time, don’t we? But would it really be a good thing? Tune in next time to find out – As the Jungle Turns!

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF SEPTEMBER 05/06, 2015
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, all of the jungle animals had gathered together to go on a picnic. But Gruffy Bear, seeing the potential for this to be one of the best – if not THE best – picnics ever, had decided that the picnic won’t begin until they find the absolutely perfect picnic spot!

 

CLOSE: Boy, Gruffy really is being picky! Maybe they’ll find the perfect picnic spot next time… As the Jungle Turns!

 

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of As the Jungle Turns in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us.

 

 

MOMENT OF DUH

Where is the worst place to lock yourself out of your room?  How about at 30,000 feet!

The pilot of a Canadian airliner who went to the washroom during a flight found himself locked out of the cockpit, forcing the crew to remove the door from its hinges to let him back in. The airline says that with 30 minutes of the flight to go, the pilot went to the washroom, leaving the first officer in charge. But when he tried to get back into the cockpit, the door would not open. For about 10 minutes passengers saw the pilot bang on the door and communicating with the cockpit though an internal telephone. An airline spokesman said that at no time was the plane or passengers in danger.

 

 

TOP TEN

TOP TEN WAYS TO SAVE ELECTRICITY

 

  1. Heat your house by importing hot air from Hawaii.

 

  1. Finally Take down all the Christmas lights.

 

  1. Breed millions of lightning bugs in your home.

 

  1. Keep one eye closed indoors. That way, you use less light.

 

  1. Ban the Electric Slide from all future parties.

 

  1. Train your roaches to scatter when the lights go off.

 

  1. Clap Off!

 

  1. Wind-up space heaters.

 

  1. Shower with your clothes on. Clean body and clean laundry at the same time!!!

 

  1. Ziplock baggies!

 

 

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

A man gets shot with a shotgun for playing his radio too loud!

 

FILE #1: An 80-year-old Toledo woman has been booked for unloading a shotgun on a man playing his radio too loud. Lillie Clouse is sitting in a Toledo jail cell for shooting at the man after he refused to lower the volume on his car stereo outside her home. Errant pellets from the 12-gauge round hit two children, but since the shotgun was purchased in 1959, as were the shells, they didn’t have the power to penetrate the children’s clothes. The intended victim was not hit. Lillie has been booked on charges of felonious assault and is being held without bail.

 

FILE #2: A 2002 ruling by the Oregon Supreme Court had a major impact on police for some time.  You see, the court had ruled that all lawyers, including prosecutors, must obey the state bar association’s nearly absolute prohibitions against deceit. What this meant was, law enforcement could not engage in “undercover” and “sting” operations (which involved tricking suspects).  So child pornographers were getting away with their crimes because prosecutors and police couldn’t pretend to be underage online to get the pedophiles. Fortunately, things have changed.

 

FILE #3: Rafael Morgan was test driving a Porsche when he was pulled over by the cops and ticketed for doing 60 in a 35 zone. When he returned to the dealership, he quickly sped away as soon as the salesperson got out of the car. It wasn’t that difficult for the cops to track the guy down, after all he had just given the officer his address when he was ticketed. The cops just drove to his home and found the Porsche outside and Rafael inside. It was when the cops arrested him that Rafael gave the REALLY dumb criminal excuse… he told them he didn’t steal the car, he just drove it home to see if it would fit into his garage. ***MARLAR: To which they responded, “Hey, we’re not arresting you… we just want to see if your wrists can fit into these handcuffs.”

 

STRANGE LAW: In Minneapolis, Minnesota, double-parkers can be put on a chain gang.

 

 

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

Apparently, even second-hand pot smoke can affect your thinking.

This has got to be embarrassing for the NYPD. Four New York City police officers were called to an apartment house in the Bronx concerning a landlord-tenant dispute. However they became distracted by a teenager in the hallway smoking a joint so they started to chase him. That’s when a pit bull jumped out of nowhere and attacked the officers. And that’s when the gunfire broke out. 26 bullets later, we had one dead dog, one bitten officer, and three other officers wounded from each other’s gunshots.

 

 

PHONER PHUN

Men’s Health asked about corporal punishment:

  • Do you approve of spanking as a form of discipline for children? 82% said yes, 18% said no.
  • Do you, or will you, use corporal punishment on your kids? 73% said yes, 27% said no.
  • Were you spanked or physically disciplined as a child? 91% said yes, only 9% said no.
  • Is it acceptable to use an object, paddle, ruler, belt, to administer corporal punishment? 39% said yes, 61% said no.
  • Do you think any form of physical discipline beyond spanking qualifies as child abuse? 67% said yes, 33% said no.

 

 

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Who commanded the sun to stand still?

ANSWER: Joshua 10:12

 

 

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: What is a misomaniac?

ANSWER: A misomaniac is someone who hates everything.

 

 

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

 

  1. The heel of a sock is called the “gore.” (True)

 

  1. A group of jellyfish is called a “colony”. (False – a “smack.”)

 

  1. None of the passengers of the Mayflower had middle names. (True)

 

  1. Benjamin Franklin gave harp lessons. (False – guitar lessons)

 

  1. A gozzard is a person who owns geese. (True)

 

  1. A warthog only has four warts. (True — all of them on its head.)

 

  1. Poison oak and poison ivy are members of the sunflower family. (False – the cashew family)

 

  1. The first man to die during construction of the Hoover Dam was the father of the last man to die during its construction. (True)

 

  1. Christopher Columbus was a redhead. (False – blonde)

 

  1. Figs are the sweetest of all fruits. (True – they have a a 55% sugar content. The flower of the fig is inside the fruit, so there are no blossoms on fig trees. Sort of like an inside out strawberry.)

 

 

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

_____ SPOTTED IN CANADA! (BIGFOOT)

Hikers in the Canadian wilderness found.. Bigfoot!

Bigfoot appeared to the men while they where hiking in the deep wilderness.  Bigfoot appeared covered in thick black hair and was seen lumbering across the mountain top.  The sighting has sparked excitement among Bigfoot fans.

In the footage the figure walks from the trees into the open, pausing briefly before disappearing back into the trees.

It remains unclear exactly where the video was shot but it is believed to have been filmed on a trail near Mission, in British Columbia.

The footage has been viewed thousands of times on YouTube with believers claiming it is evidence that the ape-like creature, known as sasquatch, actually exists.

Scientists have dismissed the Bigfoot theory, claiming it is a mixture of a hoax, folklore and incorrect identification. But Bigfoot experts have dismissed scientists as a bunch of “close-minded, eggheaded fools.”

 

 

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY

JOKE #1

Three good friends were driving along on the highway one Saturday: a doctor, a teacher, and a lawyer.

All of a sudden, a brand-new SUV cuts them off.

In an attempt to miss the shiny big vehicle, the driver swerved to the left and hit the median. The car flipped several times and all three friends died instantly.

They all found themselves in line waiting to get into Heaven. The doctor asked the others, “What do you want people to say at your funeral?

“I want them to say, ‘She was a great doctor, and she never let down any of her patients,'” responded the doctor.

The teacher said, “I want people to remember me as a great educator, so I would want to hear people say, ‘He was a wonderful teacher, a great role model for children, and he changed countless lives throughout his career.'”

Then the lawyer said, “I’d like people to say, ‘Look! He’s moving!’

 

 

JOKE #2

Mrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast. Suddenly she looked up suspiciously at her husband.

“Henry,” she said, “I’ve just received a letter from mother saying she isn’t accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her. What does she mean by that? I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn’t you?”

“Er, yes, I did,” said the husband. “But I, I couldn’t spell ‘convenience,’ so I made it ‘risk.'”

 

 

JOKE #3

At a major medical convention, a noted internist arises to announce that he has discovered a new miracle antibiotic.

“What’s it cure?” asks a member of the audience.

“Nothing we don’t already have a drug for,” the internist replies.

“Well, what’s so miraculous about it?”

“One of the side effects is short-term memory loss. Several of my patients have paid my bill three or four times.

 

 

USELESS FACTS

A Malaysian man was a bit suspicious after he received his latest telephone bill and it seemed a bit steep. He could be correct, since the bill totaled $218 TRILLION. ***MARLAR: That’s why you should only call people in your Top Five Friends plan.

 

Doctors in Mongolia are baffled by a 19-year-old girl who has been eating mud every day for 12 years but is perfectly healthy.  ***MARLAR: If swallowing mud were bad for you, I would’ve been dead long ago from drinking the radio station’s coffee.

 

 

FEATURED FUNNIES

There were 3 young kids who noticed that a fire truck that was passing by with it’s sirens sounding. On the front seat was a dog. Of course, they had their own explanations for this.

Little girl, “The dog is there to keep the people away from the fire while the firemen put the fire out.”

Another little girl, “No, the dog is there to give the firemen good luck.”

And last but not least a little boy firmly ended the discussion by saying, “No, no, no!!! The dog is needed to find the hydrant!”

 

 

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

BANK HUSTLE

Think you’re too smart to be hustled on the street? Think again! One bank chairman got hustled on the street losing his ATM card in front of his own bank!

You have millions of dollars. You are the chairman of one of Europe’s largest banks. You’ve heard it all when it comes to people ripping off the bank and its customers… so you’re an unlikely target of hustlers aren’t you? Hardly. Sir George Mathewson, chairman of the Royal Bank of Scotland was robbed at one of his own automatic teller machines after falling for a cheap street hustle. He was drawing some cash from a central London machine when two con men approached him from behind. They carefully noted his personal ID number and waited for the machine to spit out his card, before tapping him on the shoulder to tell him he had dropped a five-pound note (which is about $7.07). Sir George’s natural inclination was to bend down to pick up the supposedly dropped money, and that’s when his assailants reached over to grab the bank card and ran off. Fortunately, the bank chairman was unhurt, and the robbers didn’t get any of his money because he called the police immediately and canceled his card. ***MARLAR: If a bank chairman can get hustled, what chance does a DJ with a “C-” average from high school have?  I might as well just hand over my ATM card to the next person I see…

 

 

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

THE BIBLE IN 50 WORDS
God made

Adam bit
Noah arked
Abraham split
Jacob fooled
Joseph ruled
Bush talked
Moses balked
Pharaoh plagued
People walked
Sea divided
Tablets guided
Promise landed
Saul freaked
David peeked
Prophets warned
Jesus born
God walked
Love talked
Anger crucified
Hope died
Love rose
Spirit flamed
Word spread
God remained.

 

 

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

Matthew 7: 13-14. Enter by the narrow gate; for the gate is wide and the way is easy, that leads to destruction, and those who enter by it are many. For the gate is narrow and the way is hard, that leads to life, and those who find it are few.
Has the philosophy of “Peace at any price” entered into your family, invaded your church? Does the Bible say, “Narrow is the way that leads to destruction?” No! Narrow is the way that leads to life, and very few ever find it.
Do you understand that the person of Satan will always be standing as your accuser? He will attempt to bring doubt to your minds and timidity to your heart. He will intentionally bring up issues to divide the Body of Christ, i.e.… the death penalty, the authority of women in the church, the homosexual issue, should a divorced person be an elder or be allowed to remarry…etc.

For many of you, the answers to some of these issues seem obvious, but in truth, the Body of Christ is dividing over these issues, and for that matter, for reasons of far less significance.
Is it possible that God allows these issues into our lives in order to bring us to our knees? Why are we so despondent in seeking His supernatural wisdom and spiritual discernment? Isn’t it our duty to lift our heads out of the confusion of earth, long enough, to hear the solution of heaven?
Shouldn’t we be seeking His wisdom with the fear and love for Him to whom we all must eventually give an answer?

 

 

LEFTOVERS

HAIR OF THE DOG

While some people have pet dogs that fetch their slippers for them, you can now have slippers that are actually made of dogs!

Deborah Sergesketter has made slippers woven out of dog hair! She spent a year collecting eight bags of hair from Riley and Rio, her golden retrievers, after she found out a woman could spin it into yarn and then knit it into slippers. Rosemary Edmiston washed the dogs’ hair, then teased, carded and combed it before using her spinning wheel to turn it into yarn. They charge $50 per pair. ***MARLAR: They’re the only slippers that fetch themselves.

 

 

LIFE… LIVE IT

REJUVANATION

Do you feel tired every afternoon? Experts say you can beat afternoon fatigue by doing simple exercises that pep you up by relieving muscle tension.

Psychotherapist Jaqueline Ferguson suggests these exercises.

  • Head rolls: While you are seated comfortably, gently drop your head to your chest, then slowly rotate your chin to right shoulder and back to your chest five times. Then do five head rolls to your left side. Repeat three times for a total of fifteen head rolls on each side. This takes 30 seconds and relieves neck tension.
  • Shoulder shrugs: While still seated, gently raise youe right shoulder to your head six times. The repeat with your left shoulder. Then rotate your right shoulder front to back three times. Do the same with your left shoulder. This takes 30 seconds and relieves shoulder muscle tension.
  • Waist bends: While seated, let your chin touch your chest. With arms hanging at your sides, bend from the waist as far as you comfortably can. Repeat six times.

 

 

JUST FOR FUN

SCHOOL SNOOZE

Too tired to get up for class?  Wouldn’t it be great if you could just show up whenever you wanted?

Norway is introducing late opening schools for ‘lazy pupils’ who want to sleep in until the afternoon. The City Council of Oslo, Norway, is offering students aged 16 to 18 ‘late starts’ at certain schools. They will start classes after noon. School officials think pupils will do better academically if they are not forced to work while still half asleep in the mornings.  ***MARLAR: How is this preparing kids for the real world?  When is the last time anyone was employed by a company that said, “Hey, don’t worry if you can’t make it in by 8am every morning… 1pm is fine too.”

 

 

FUN LIST

I LOVE MY COMPUTER… SHE’S A GOOD ONE

An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language. He stated how hurricanes at one time were given only feminine names and how ships and planes were usually referred to as “she.” One of the students raised their hand and asked, “What “gender” is a computer?” The teacher wasn’t certain which it was, so he divided the class into two groups, males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

 

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

  • In order to get their attention; you have to turn them on.
  • They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
  • They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
  • As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

 

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:

  • No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
  • The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
  • Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
  • As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

 

 

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

Did You Get Married In Texas? Maybe You Didn’t!

Bad news married Texans. You may not be. Barbara Ann Radnofsky, a Houston lawyer and candidate for attorney general, says that a 22-word clause in a 2005 constitutional amendment designed to ban gay marriages has inadvertently endangered the legal status of all marriages in the state. The amendment, overwhelmingly ratified by Texas voters, declares that “marriage in this state shall consist only of the union of one man and one woman.” But it goes on to say, “This state or a political subdivision of this state may not create or recognize any legal status identical or similar to marriage” and therein lies the problem. Radnofsky says that phrase and wording effectively “eliminates all marriage in Texas,” including common-law marriages. She calls it a “massive mistake” and blames the current attorney general, Greg Abbott, for allowing the language to become part of the Texas Constitution. She also says that another constitutional amendment may be necessary to reverse the problem. However not everyone agrees. Kelly Shackelford, president of the Liberty Legal Institute in Plano says, “It’s a silly argument. Any lawsuit based on the wording of the section in question would have about one chance in a trillion of being successful.” (Star Telegram)

 

 

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Mondays Only)

 

 

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

After nine months of pregnancy — and its many discomforts — expectant moms are often willing to try anything to encourage their little ones to arrive. But few old wives’ tales can claim the success that one tasty dish being served down South does. According to Yahoo foods, Since 1980, Scalini’s Italian Restaurant in Cobb County, Georgia, has been cooking up a recipe for eggplant parmigiana that owners say brings on labor within 48 hours for hundreds of pregnant patrons per year. Myriad online testimonials, along with the photos of hundreds of babies hung inside of the restaurant’s dining room, contribute to the dish’s lore. In fact, Sometimes the action starts before customers even reach dessert. Now the restaurant is making the recipe available online. http://ow.ly/RbULr

 

About 350 people recently competed ing the Jackson County Triathlon. They swam, biked and ran to the finish line in the Midwest’s oldest triathlon. But according to Fox News, one woman did all three while pushing and pulling her 11-year-old daughter. Eleven-year-old Cecilia comes from a family of athletes and her mom, Debbie Niemann, makes sure cerebral palsy doesn’t keep her sidelined. http://bit.ly/1JGHrJ4

 

A Smart Phone app that is transforming lives! Faith Comes By Hearing has received virtual recording help from people in 30 different countries to create an app that provides audio of portions of scripture in 1650 different languages. The Bible.is app gives hundreds of thousands of illiterate people across the globe access to scripture even before the full Bible has been translated into their own language. It also allows people in even the most persecuted countries in the world access to the Gospel. Underground believers can literally have access to the Bible in their pocket. http://t.co/PJBx9RzLzd

 

 

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Even if I won the lottery, I don’t think I would quit my job.  I don’t really have it all that hard: surfing the Web looking for material and writing jokes all day.  I’d see about cutting back on that “work” stuff, though, because that part kinda stinks.

 

 

THE WAY WE WORK

(Updated as it comes available. The Way WE Work is written by Mark Elfstrand from 1160Hope.com in Chicago.)

Analyze This!

True confession. In my twenties, my first radio job barely paid me enough to buy gas to get back and forth to work and share the rent of a cheap apartment. While I knew the risks of driving without insurance, I did so for a season of time. And sure enough, I had a minor accident while uninsured. Thank God it wasn’t worse!
Several months later, I married my beloved Rhonda and our financial picture improved. Time to get my insurance squared away! We stopped in at the agency where Rhonda had her auto policy to have me added. Surprise! Not only would they not add me to any policy, they were now dropping her since she had married an insurance risk! Talk about a blow to one’s self esteem. And I didn’t get any smiles from my new bride on the way out.
Since that time, I’ve never driven without auto insurance. I’m no longer considered a risky guy. At least in that area. In fact, the company that gave us that painful rejection has made many offers over the years to have us sign up. Hmmm. I’m still thinking it over and weighing the risk factors. (Smile)
Make no mistake. I’m not questioning the right of any company to qualify their customers. Perhaps there might have been a way to work with us, however.
This brings me to a new “character” defining method being employed today, via algorithms. I learned of it in an article in the New York Times, as written by Quentin Hardy: “Using Algorithms to Determine Character.”
The story tells of a California firm that loans money. And in the course of just over a year, they have forked over $135 million to people with “mostly negligible credit ratings.” We’re talking recent college graduates without the normal credit building history.
Instead, this company, known as Upstart, chooses SAT scores, college information including majors, and grade-point averages. The quality of the chosen school factors in as well.
What I found especially interesting in the story was the way two men from different companies engaged in this analytics-based evaluation system avoided the use of the word “character.” Paul Gu, co-founder of Upstart, skips around it. And Douglas Merrill, founder and CEO of another lending company, ZestFinance, puts a qualifier on it as well.
Merrill says, “‘Character’ is a loaded term, but there is an important difference between ability to pay and willingness to pay.” Willingness is a character issue.
Some of the evaluation criteria considered is whether a person has ever given up a prepaid wireless phone number. If so, why? Were they on the run? Another firm uses analytics to predict how long an employee will stay by looking at past work behavior. Or how well a manager holds on to talent. Or a person’s tenacity.
These companies may shy away from using the word character, but it has certainly found its place of importance in business. Warren Bennis has said, “Successful leadership is not about being tough or soft, sensitive or assertive, but about a set of attributes. First and foremost is character.” Scottish minister and author John C. Geikie stated, “Our character is but the stamp on our souls of the free choices of good and evil we have made through life.”
Here’s an important lesson for all of us. The quality of our character can change over time. The person you were yesterday is not the person you have to be tomorrow. Or as I heard recently, “Your history is not your destiny.” We can develop and improve our character with time.
There is One whose character does NOT change. Hebrews 13:8 says plainly, “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.” (ESV) James 1:17 adds, “Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.” (ESV)
I wonder if there are any analytics that could measure the change in a person who comes to faith? The Bible says we become new creatures when that faith takes hold. The old has passed away. The new has come. Our character changes.
I know something else very important about God’s love. Once you’re on His plan, the policy states that you never get dropped. Whew!
That’s The Way WE Work.

 

 

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

 

AUGUST 28, 2015…

 

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon: The Green Legend—Finally, here comes the sequel for this film that was a visual feast of color and activity.  The plot is a carefully kept secret, but at least we know that the cast includes Michelle Yeoh, Donny Wen, and Jason Scott Lee. The film will first open in IMAX and Netflix, then in regular movie theaters a week later.  “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon: The Green Legend” is rated R. Rating of 3 for fans.

 

Hitman: Agent 47—The film is based on the game series and about a hitman who is part robotic. He is assigned to kill someone but begins to doubt his assignment. Stars Rupert Friend. “Hitman: Agent 47” is rated R. No rating.

 

The War Room—This film is called a Christian drama dealing with trying to keep a marriage together.  It stars Alex Kendricks who also directs.  Also in the cast are Priscilla Shirer and T. C. Stallings. “The War Room” (called because it is a special room of safety and reflection) is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

 

We Are Your Friends—In this film, Zac Efron plays an ambitious young man who wants to rise to the top of the music industry as an electronic music producer. Wes Bentley says he can help him, but is this true? “We Are Your Friends” is rated PG-13. No rating.

 

Regression—Emma Watson is a young woman who has lost her memory. What has happened? Something from her past? Abusive family or traumatic event? Also in the cast are Ethan Hawke and Dennis Dencik. “Regression” is rated R. No rating.

 

SEPTEMBER 02, 2015…

 

No Escape is a thriller about trying to get out of a Middle Eastern country during an uprising. Stars Owen Wilson and Pierce Brosnan.

 

Films Opening September 4

 

Jane Got A Gun  and this film was supposed to have opened in March but unexpectedly got pushed to fall. It’s a western starring Natalie Portman.

 

Kitchen Sink is a comedy horror film starring Vanessa Hudgens and about a town where vampires, humans and zombies live together.

 

# # # # #

 

 

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