September 01, 2016: Thursday ONAIRprep

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AND NOW… ON WITH THE SHOW!

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20160901

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

This is the (JOCK) Show. The radio program 95% of dentists listen to while they sharpen their drills

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“A man’s pride will bring him low, but the humble in spirit will retain honor.” –Proverbs 29:23

Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. –Romans 12:10

There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus. — Galatians 3:28

I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. — Philippians 4:12

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

And they did not do as we expected, but they gave themselves first to the Lord and then to us in keeping with God’s will. — 2 Corinthians 8:5

Thought: Paul was surprised at the Macedonians’ generosity to the Lord’s work for two reasons. First, they were very impoverished and didn’t have much to share. Second, rather than viewing what they had as their own, they gave themselves to God and then to his servants who were asking for their help in ministering to others. Their example is a great reminder to us of how we need to approach our giving to help others in need.

Prayer: O Righteous Father and Holy God, forgive me for being selfish with the funds you have so richly shared with me. I want to give my heart and my life to you fully, not holding back anything from your will, and I ask you to help me know how to best use the blessings you have entrusted to me. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

Psalm 9:1 NIV = I will praise you, O LORD, with all my heart; I will tell of all your wonders.

TODAY IS THURSDAY – SEPTEMBER 01, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 1
20 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is SING A SILLY SONG IN BED DAY.  ***MARLAR: You can’t get up until you do!

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

International Overdose Awareness Day

Love Litigating Lawyers Day

National Matchmaker Day

Tug-of-War Day

COMING UP NEXT

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 01

Building And Code Staff Appreciation Day

Calendar Adjustment Day

Chicken Boy’s Day

Emma M. Nutt Day

National No Rhyme (Nor Reason) Day

Random Acts of Kindness Day

Save Japan’s Dolphins Day

Toy Tips Executive Toy Test Day

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 02

Bison-ten Yell Day

V-J Day

Bring Your Manners To Work Day

Cow Chip Throwing Days begin

Hug Your Boss Day

National College Colors Day

National Lazy Moms Day

National No Patrick Day

Sand Sculpting Days begin

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 03

Bacon Day

Franchise Appreciation Day

National Buffalo Chicken Wings Days begin

National Tailgating Day

National Writing Date Day

Penny Press Day

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 04

National Wildlife Day

Newspaper Carrier Day

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 05

Be Late For Something Day

Great Bathtub Race

International Day of Charity

Jury Rights Day

Labor Day

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 06

Another Look Unlimited Day

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 07

Google Commemoration Day

Grandma Moses Day

National Attention Deficit Disorder Awareness Day ***You’d think they could come up with a shorter name for a day dedicated to people with short attention spans.

Neither Snow Nor Rain” Day

Salami Day

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 08

International Literacy Day

National Ampersand Day

Pardon Day

Pediatric Hematology/Oncology Nurses Day

Virgin Mary Day (birthday)

World Physical Therapy Day

ON THIS DAY

1878: Emma M. Nutt became the first female telephone operator in the U.S., for the Telephone Dispatch Company of Boston.

1905: King Zog became the first king of Albania.

1933: Harold Jenkins was born in Friars Point, Mississippi. As Conway Twitty he had 54 #1 pop and country songs. He died in 1993.

1945: RKO sold rights to the movie script “The Greatest Gift” to Frank Capra for $10-thousand. Capra turned it into a film called “It’s A Wonderful Life.”

1949: “Martin Kane, Private Eye” debuted on NBC-TV.

1956: Elvis Presley gave his mother a Cadillac—a pink Cadillac.

1979: A Los Angeles court ordered actor Clayton Moore to stop wearing his Lone Ranger mask. (audio clip)

1981: Goodman Music Company of Dallas offered a free shotgun with the purchase of any organ or piano.

1985: The wreck of the luxury liner Titanic, sunk by an iceberg in 1912, was found by French and American scientists 370 miles south of Newfoundland.

1992: Whittle Communications’ Special Report magazine published results of an extensive burglar survey that showed 32% of burglars like to browse through family photos while on the job, 27% raid the refrigerator, and 7% watch TV.

1993: In Munich, Germany, a burglar returned a violin to its owner with a note that it was out of tune. The 300-year-old violin was worth $80-thousand.

1998: Vancouver police announced that a weekend radar trap had caught 12 rollerbladers barreling along at 12 to 15 miles an hour in a 9-mile-an-hour zone. Police set up the speed trap after pedestrians complained about unsafe skating.

2002: Actress Sarah Michelle Geller married her “Scooby-Doo” co-star Freddie Prinze Jr. in Mexico.

2004: Sexual assault charges against pro basketball star Kobe Bryant were dropped at the request of the prosecution after the alleged victim refused to testify.

2005: A Silicon Valley computer engineer who lost his job because he ate two pieces of pepperoni pizza left over from a company meeting won a free Caribbean cruise for winning an Internet contest that solicited stories about outrageous firings. Jim Garrison’s story was chosen from more than a thousand entries.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

(None today)

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actor (Ben Covington on “Felicity”, Underworld, XXX: State of the Union) Scott Speedman 41 (audio clip)

  • TV talker Dr. Phil 64

  • comic (Nine to Five, The Incredible Shrinking Woman, “The West Wing”) Lily Tomlin 77 (audio clip)

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1927 : Tommy Evans (The Drifters)

1931 : Boxcar Willie

1935 : Conway Twitty

1940 : Dave White (Danny and the Juniors)

1941 : Roy Head

1941 : Diane Ray

1944 : Archie Bell

1946 : Greg Errico (Sly and the Family Stone)

1947 : Barry Gibb (The Bee Gees)

1949 : Russ Field (Showaddywaddy)

1950 : Peter Hewson (Chicory Tip)

1957 : Gloria Estefan

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

What’s the difference between a comet and a meteor?

Both have provided end of the world scenarios for science fiction films as a big rock plummets out of the heavens to smash shopping malls, fast food stands, used car lots and other artifacts of advanced civilization. In reality, comets, like planets, orbit the Sun. They consist of solid matter and ice and have a tail when they pass near the Sun. Comets are heralded and hyped way in advance of their arrival but often prove to be as vivid and exciting as a cloudy day. Meteors are pieces of solid material that have broken away from some heavenly body. Rather than orbit permanently they streak toward the Earth, burning up as they hit the atmosphere. An enormous one landing in the ocean and changing Earth’s climate may have led to the extinction of dinosaurs. It certainly spoiled the weekend.

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE! Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

Another Christian song is showing up on secular television. The Afters say their new song “Legends” was featured on “American Ninja Warrior” on NBC earlier this week.

Hawk Nelson’s Jon Steingard gave a quick overview of the bands work day in Texas earlier this week. From riding quads to sampling coffee infused with Dr. Pepper, Jon says it wasn’t a bad day. Of course, Hawk Nelson wrapped it up by performing on stage. https://youtu.be/cXJVHXAnGwc

Did you know you can show the Worship Night In America theater event in your church? Chris Tomlin announced the possibility this week. The one night special event will air on October 28. Find out more about bringing it to your church at http://tomlin.cta.gs/0hl.

Casting Crowns Megan Garrett might need to dial it back a notch. She shared this week: My kids go all night without getting hurt around 50 teens playing volleyball, then I spike 1 ball and it hits my daughter square in the nose.

Hawk Nelson’s Jon Steingard may soon be sporting a new look. He posted: I think I wanna go platinum. My hair, not our records. Wait, really, both. But this time I mean my hair.

Newsboys Drummer Duncan Phillips shared a couple of tips for drummers this week. Duncan posted:

1. As a part of my fitness routine, I think it’s important to work on my heat stamina and endurance! That’s why I get outside every day I can in the summer to get a good cardio sweat on! It helps my show a lot! So, get out there and go hard

2. When rehearsing to play new songs live, I always chart the song first, so I know exactly where I am, and play it as its on the record! It’s funny how quickly you can forget the parts of the song! For me, it’s getting the stops and starts correct!

Jordan Feliz on how he went from the drummer to the singer: “One day the worship leader just didn’t show up.”

The Movie Insanity of God released Tuesday night at theaters around the nation but, even before it’s release, interest was growing. Selah member Todd Smith says the movie this week was trending at number one for the second week in a row. The movie features the true story of missionaries Nik and Ruth Ripken. After the death of their son, this ordinary couple journeys into the depths of the persecuted church, asking the question- IS JESUS WORTH IT? Todd recorded several songs that were used in the movie and on the movie sound track. http://InsanityofGodMovie.com

Jonny Diaz is inviting you to join he and his wife for an eight week fitness challenge. When he’s not on tour, Jonny helps manage the gym started by his wife in Nashville. This week he announced the gym’s Whole Life Challenge, a 56-day online game that allows you to make lasting change in your life. Their next Challenge begins September 17 and, since it’s online, you won’t even have to travel to Nashville to join Jonny. http://www.whole.lc/wlc1609/pt/fitfactory

Jamie Grace is actually looking forward to going gray. She posted: at 1am I found two gray hairs in my head. I am so excited. I hope they stay, and invite their friends!

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. As on ONAIRprep subscriber, you can get a fully-produced, customized version of the Daily Dose of Weird News FREE with a station or show specific tag! Email darren@onairprep.com for details!)

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

A recent poll finds the three words most commonly associated with Donald Trump are: “arrogant,” “blowhard” and “idiot.”  ***Or is that Hillary?  It’s kinda hard to tell at this point.

Five naked statues of Donald Trump popped up in cities around the country recently as part of a bizarre anti-Trump art project. The sculptures were created by a Cleveland-based artist and commissioned by a group called Indecline.  ***Actually, if we build the wall on our southern border with these statues, the Mexicans won’t WANT to come here.

A Florida pizzeria’s security camera was rolling when a postal carrier drove up to a dumpster in her truck and unloaded hundreds of pieces of mail. Louie Rondao, owner of Luigiana’s Pizza (in San Carlos Park) said he was shocked when his security camera recorded the incident. ***I say we not only DON’T arrest the mail carrier… we give them a medal for doing what we’d like them to continue doing from now on.

Doctors in central China are skeptical of a woman’s claims that she has been an expectant mother for more than 17 months. The 20-something said she became pregnant in February 2015. When she didn’t give birth in November she began to worry. Doctors say they are “perplexed” by the prolonged pregnancy, though they have their doubts since the woman has refused to undergo an ultrasound. They say there’s no evidence, medical or otherwise, that suggests she has been pregnant for 17 months.’  ***So either she’s faking it… or she’s waiting long enough to give birth that her kid will be able to go directly into the work force to take care of Mom.

Did you know your brain boots up in the morning just like a computer? As we yawn and open our eyes the brain stem sends little puffs of nitric oxide to another part of the brain, the thalamus, which then directs it elsewhere. Like a computer booting up its operating system before running more complicated programs, the nitric oxide triggers certain functions that set the stage for more complex brain operations.  ***Well then, I think we can all agree that my brain-waker-upper is broken.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

A new study found that those who drink a fair amount of sweetened sodas and fruit drinks – whether diet or regular – have an increased risk of depression. Java-drinkers, on the other hand, have a slightly lower risk of the blues.  The study was presented at the American Academy of Neurology’s annual meeting in San Diego.  ***MARLAR: So if java lowers your risk of depression, and soda raises your risk of depression, to be completely normal you have to drink carbonated coffee.   

 

Scientists have created a real-life thinking cap that works by zapping electricity through the brain.  The weird-looking headwear has had extraordinary results and experts believe it could help people be more creative.  The device was dreamt up by the University of Sydney’s Centre for the Mind in Australia and suppresses the left side of the brain to encourage the more creative right side into action.  But Centre director Allan Snyder said students hoping to use it to study up before exams would be disappointed.   He said: “You wouldn’t use this to study or to help your memory.  “You would use this if you wanted to look at a problem anew. ***MARLAR: Like figuring out why you can’t get dates because you look like a dork with a metal memory helmet on your head.

 

We already know that getting enough sleep plays a huge role in health, from maintaining a healthy weight and staving off the common cold, to just plain keeping you sane. Well, research is showing that getting enough sleep may also slow down the aging process and keep your body younger for longer. Researchers (at Duke-NUS Graduate Medical School Singapore) have found that when older adults sleep less, their brains actually age faster.  ***MARLAR: According to this research, I’m about 106 years old.  

 

In utero babies aren’t just relaxing waiting for their real world entrance — they’re actually listening to you. It turns out that unborn babies can hear a lot more than we think they do. The fun starts about 30 weeks in, and the last two months is when baby can recognize mama’s voice.  ***MARLAR: No wonder our kids are so fat – they keep hearing over and over even before they are born, “I’m eating for two… I’m eating for two…”

 

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Chili is Hot”

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Gordon Douglas, “Weird Stuff”

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THURSDAY’S EPISODE


OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left our story, Marvy Snuffleson had been sent to his room by his parents because he’d been mean to the new kid in the neighborhood and refused to play with him – mostly because it wasn’t cool. But now the thunderstorm has tossed Marvy, his teddy-bear, and his entire bed out the bedroom window and onto the high seas!

CLOSE: What kind of place is this that Marvy has washed ashore upon? And who are the furry, tall creatures? Find out next time – As the Jungle Turns!

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF SEPTEMBER 03/04

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle island of Razzleflabbin, we discovered that the Plaid Guy – who all of the Razzleflabbins were terrified of, was actually not a bad guy at all… he was just different! They’ve all made friends now, and he’s even been invited to the Razzleflabbin Barbecue!

CLOSE: Sounds like everyone is having a great time with their new friend, the Plaid Guy… but what about Marvy? He’s still stranded on Razzleflabbin Island! Will he ever get home? Find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

Where is the worst place to lock yourself out of your room?  How about at 30,000 feet!

The pilot of a Canadian airliner who went to the washroom during a flight found himself locked out of the cockpit, forcing the crew to remove the door from its hinges to let him back in. The airline says that with 30 minutes of the flight to go, the pilot went to the washroom, leaving the first officer in charge. But when he tried to get back into the cockpit, the door would not open. For about 10 minutes passengers saw the pilot bang on the door and communicating with the cockpit though an internal telephone. An airline spokesman said that at no time was the plane or passengers in danger.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN WAYS TO SAVE ELECTRICITY

10. Heat your house by importing hot air from Hawaii.

 9. Finally Take down all the Christmas lights.

 8. Breed millions of lightning bugs in your home.

 7. Keep one eye closed indoors. That way, you use less light.

 6. Ban the Electric Slide from all future parties.

 5. Train your roaches to scatter when the lights go off.

 4. Clap Off!

 3. Wind-up space heaters.

 2. Shower with your clothes on. Clean body and clean laundry at the same time!!!

 1. Ziplock baggies!

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

A man gets shot with a shotgun for playing his radio too loud!

FILE #1: An 80-year-old Toledo woman has been booked for unloading a shotgun on a man playing his radio too loud. Lillie Clouse is sitting in a Toledo jail cell for shooting at the man after he refused to lower the volume on his car stereo outside her home. Errant pellets from the 12-gauge round hit two children, but since the shotgun was purchased in 1959, as were the shells, they didn’t have the power to penetrate the children’s clothes. The intended victim was not hit. Lillie has been booked on charges of felonious assault and is being held without bail.

FILE #2: A 2002 ruling by the Oregon Supreme Court had a major impact on police for some time.  You see, the court had ruled that all lawyers, including prosecutors, must obey the state bar association’s nearly absolute prohibitions against deceit. What this meant was, law enforcement could not engage in “undercover” and “sting” operations (which involved tricking suspects).  So child pornographers were getting away with their crimes because prosecutors and police couldn’t pretend to be underage online to get the pedophiles. Fortunately, things have changed.

FILE #3: Rafael Morgan was test driving a Porsche when he was pulled over by the cops and ticketed for doing 60 in a 35 zone. When he returned to the dealership, he quickly sped away as soon as the salesperson got out of the car. It wasn’t that difficult for the cops to track the guy down, after all he had just given the officer his address when he was ticketed. The cops just drove to his home and found the Porsche outside and Rafael inside. It was when the cops arrested him that Rafael gave the REALLY dumb criminal excuse… he told them he didn’t steal the car, he just drove it home to see if it would fit into his garage. ***MARLAR: To which they responded, “Hey, we’re not arresting you… we just want to see if your wrists can fit into these handcuffs.”

STRANGE LAW: In Minneapolis, Minnesota, double-parkers can be put on a chain gang.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

Apparently, even second-hand pot smoke can affect your thinking.

This has got to be embarrassing for the NYPD. Four New York City police officers were called to an apartment house in the Bronx concerning a landlord-tenant dispute. However they became distracted by a teenager in the hallway smoking a joint so they started to chase him. That’s when a pit bull jumped out of nowhere and attacked the officers. And that’s when the gunfire broke out. 26 bullets later, we had one dead dog, one bitten officer, and three other officers wounded from each other’s gunshots.

PHONER PHUN

Men’s Health asked about corporal punishment:

  • Do you approve of spanking as a form of discipline for children? 82% said yes, 18% said no.

  • Do you, or will you, use corporal punishment on your kids? 73% said yes, 27% said no.

  • Were you spanked or physically disciplined as a child? 91% said yes, only 9% said no.

  • Is it acceptable to use an object, paddle, ruler, belt, to administer corporal punishment? 39% said yes, 61% said no.

  • Do you think any form of physical discipline beyond spanking qualifies as child abuse? 67% said yes, 33% said no.

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Who commanded the sun to stand still?

ANSWER: Joshua 10:12

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: What is a misomaniac?

ANSWER: A misomaniac is someone who hates everything.

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. The heel of a sock is called the “gore.” (True)

2. A group of jellyfish is called a “colony”. (False – a “smack.”)

3. None of the passengers of the Mayflower had middle names. (True)

4. Benjamin Franklin gave harp lessons. (False – guitar lessons)

5. A gozzard is a person who owns geese. (True)

6. A warthog only has four warts. (True — all of them on its head.)

7. Poison oak and poison ivy are members of the sunflower family. (False – the cashew family)

8. The first man to die during construction of the Hoover Dam was the father of the last man to die during its construction. (True)

9. Christopher Columbus was a redhead. (False – blonde)

10. Figs are the sweetest of all fruits. (True – they have a a 55% sugar content. The flower of the fig is inside the fruit, so there are no blossoms on fig trees. Sort of like an inside out strawberry.)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

_____ SPOTTED IN CANADA! (BIGFOOT)

Hikers in the Canadian wilderness found.. Bigfoot!

Bigfoot appeared to the men while they where hiking in the deep wilderness.  Bigfoot appeared covered in thick black hair and was seen lumbering across the mountain top.  The sighting has sparked excitement among Bigfoot fans.

In the footage the figure walks from the trees into the open, pausing briefly before disappearing back into the trees.

It remains unclear exactly where the video was shot but it is believed to have been filmed on a trail near Mission, in British Columbia.

The footage has been viewed thousands of times on YouTube with believers claiming it is evidence that the ape-like creature, known as sasquatch, actually exists.

Scientists have dismissed the Bigfoot theory, claiming it is a mixture of a hoax, folklore and incorrect identification. But Bigfoot experts have dismissed scientists as a bunch of “close-minded, eggheaded fools.”

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

Three good friends were driving along on the highway one Saturday: a doctor, a teacher, and a lawyer.

All of a sudden, a brand-new SUV cuts them off.

In an attempt to miss the shiny big vehicle, the driver swerved to the left and hit the median. The car flipped several times and all three friends died instantly.

They all found themselves in line waiting to get into Heaven. The doctor asked the others, “What do you want people to say at your funeral?

“I want them to say, ‘She was a great doctor, and she never let down any of her patients,'” responded the doctor.

The teacher said, “I want people to remember me as a great educator, so I would want to hear people say, ‘He was a wonderful teacher, a great role model for children, and he changed countless lives throughout his career.'”

Then the lawyer said, “I’d like people to say, ‘Look! He’s moving!’

JOKE #2

Mrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast. Suddenly she looked up suspiciously at her husband.

“Henry,” she said, “I’ve just received a letter from mother saying she isn’t accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her. What does she mean by that? I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn’t you?”

“Er, yes, I did,” said the husband. “But I, I couldn’t spell ‘convenience,’ so I made it ‘risk.'”

JOKE #3

At a major medical convention, a noted internist arises to announce that he has discovered a new miracle antibiotic.

“What’s it cure?” asks a member of the audience.

“Nothing we don’t already have a drug for,” the internist replies.

“Well, what’s so miraculous about it?”

“One of the side effects is short-term memory loss. Several of my patients have paid my bill three or four times.

USELESS FACTS

A Malaysian man was a bit suspicious after he received his latest telephone bill and it seemed a bit steep. He could be correct, since the bill totaled $218 TRILLION. ***MARLAR: That’s why you should only call people in your Top Five Friends plan.

Doctors in Mongolia are baffled by a 19-year-old girl who has been eating mud every day for 12 years but is perfectly healthy.  ***MARLAR: If swallowing mud were bad for you, I would’ve been dead long ago from drinking the radio station’s coffee.

FEATURED FUNNIES

There were 3 young kids who noticed that a fire truck that was passing by with it’s sirens sounding. On the front seat was a dog. Of course, they had their own explanations for this.

Little girl, “The dog is there to keep the people away from the fire while the firemen put the fire out.”

Another little girl, “No, the dog is there to give the firemen good luck.”

And last but not least a little boy firmly ended the discussion by saying, “No, no, no!!! The dog is needed to find the hydrant!”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

BANK HUSTLE

Think you’re too smart to be hustled on the street? Think again! One bank chairman got hustled on the street losing his ATM card in front of his own bank!

You have millions of dollars. You are the chairman of one of Europe’s largest banks. You’ve heard it all when it comes to people ripping off the bank and its customers… so you’re an unlikely target of hustlers aren’t you? Hardly. Sir George Mathewson, chairman of the Royal Bank of Scotland was robbed at one of his own automatic teller machines after falling for a cheap street hustle. He was drawing some cash from a central London machine when two con men approached him from behind. They carefully noted his personal ID number and waited for the machine to spit out his card, before tapping him on the shoulder to tell him he had dropped a five-pound note (which is about $7.07). Sir George’s natural inclination was to bend down to pick up the supposedly dropped money, and that’s when his assailants reached over to grab the bank card and ran off. Fortunately, the bank chairman was unhurt, and the robbers didn’t get any of his money because he called the police immediately and canceled his card. ***MARLAR: If a bank chairman can get hustled, what chance does a DJ with a “C-” average from high school have?  I might as well just hand over my ATM card to the next person I see…

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

THE BIBLE IN 50 WORDS
God made

Adam bit
Noah arked
Abraham split
Jacob fooled
Joseph ruled
Bush talked
Moses balked
Pharaoh plagued
People walked
Sea divided
Tablets guided
Promise landed
Saul freaked
David peeked
Prophets warned
Jesus born
God walked
Love talked
Anger crucified
Hope died
Love rose
Spirit flamed
Word spread
God remained.

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

Matthew 7: 13-14. Enter by the narrow gate; for the gate is wide and the way is easy, that leads to destruction, and those who enter by it are many. For the gate is narrow and the way is hard, that leads to life, and those who find it are few.
Has the philosophy of “Peace at any price” entered into your family, invaded your church? Does the Bible say, “Narrow is the way that leads to destruction?” No! Narrow is the way that leads to life, and very few ever find it.
Do you understand that the person of Satan will always be standing as your accuser? He will attempt to bring doubt to your minds and timidity to your heart. He will intentionally bring up issues to divide the Body of Christ, i.e.… the death penalty, the authority of women in the church, the homosexual issue, should a divorced person be an elder or be allowed to remarry…etc.

For many of you, the answers to some of these issues seem obvious, but in truth, the Body of Christ is dividing over these issues, and for that matter, for reasons of far less significance.
Is it possible that God allows these issues into our lives in order to bring us to our knees? Why are we so despondent in seeking His supernatural wisdom and spiritual discernment? Isn’t it our duty to lift our heads out of the confusion of earth, long enough, to hear the solution of heaven?
Shouldn’t we be seeking His wisdom with the fear and love for Him to whom we all must eventually give an answer?

LEFTOVERS

HAIR OF THE DOG

While some people have pet dogs that fetch their slippers for them, you can now have slippers that are actually made of dogs!

Deborah Sergesketter has made slippers woven out of dog hair! She spent a year collecting eight bags of hair from Riley and Rio, her golden retrievers, after she found out a woman could spin it into yarn and then knit it into slippers. Rosemary Edmiston washed the dogs’ hair, then teased, carded and combed it before using her spinning wheel to turn it into yarn. They charge $50 per pair. ***MARLAR: They’re the only slippers that fetch themselves.

LIFE… LIVE IT

REJUVANATION

Do you feel tired every afternoon? Experts say you can beat afternoon fatigue by doing simple exercises that pep you up by relieving muscle tension.

Psychotherapist Jaqueline Ferguson suggests these exercises.

  • Head rolls: While you are seated comfortably, gently drop your head to your chest, then slowly rotate your chin to right shoulder and back to your chest five times. Then do five head rolls to your left side. Repeat three times for a total of fifteen head rolls on each side. This takes 30 seconds and relieves neck tension.

  • Shoulder shrugs: While still seated, gently raise youe right shoulder to your head six times. The repeat with your left shoulder. Then rotate your right shoulder front to back three times. Do the same with your left shoulder. This takes 30 seconds and relieves shoulder muscle tension.

  • Waist bends: While seated, let your chin touch your chest. With arms hanging at your sides, bend from the waist as far as you comfortably can. Repeat six times.

JUST FOR FUN

SCHOOL SNOOZE

Too tired to get up for class?  Wouldn’t it be great if you could just show up whenever you wanted?

Norway is introducing late opening schools for ‘lazy pupils’ who want to sleep in until the afternoon. The City Council of Oslo, Norway, is offering students aged 16 to 18 ‘late starts’ at certain schools. They will start classes after noon. School officials think pupils will do better academically if they are not forced to work while still half asleep in the mornings.  ***MARLAR: How is this preparing kids for the real world?  When is the last time anyone was employed by a company that said, “Hey, don’t worry if you can’t make it in by 8am every morning… 1pm is fine too.” 

FUN LIST

I LOVE MY COMPUTER… SHE’S A GOOD ONE

An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language. He stated how hurricanes at one time were given only feminine names and how ships and planes were usually referred to as “she.” One of the students raised their hand and asked, “What “gender” is a computer?” The teacher wasn’t certain which it was, so he divided the class into two groups, males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

  • In order to get their attention; you have to turn them on.

  • They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.

  • They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.

  • As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:

  • No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

  • The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

  • Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

  • As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

Did You Get Married In Texas? Maybe You Didn’t!

Bad news married Texans. You may not be. Barbara Ann Radnofsky, a Houston lawyer and candidate for attorney general, says that a 22-word clause in a 2005 constitutional amendment designed to ban gay marriages has inadvertently endangered the legal status of all marriages in the state. The amendment, overwhelmingly ratified by Texas voters, declares that “marriage in this state shall consist only of the union of one man and one woman.” But it goes on to say, “This state or a political subdivision of this state may not create or recognize any legal status identical or similar to marriage” and therein lies the problem. Radnofsky says that phrase and wording effectively “eliminates all marriage in Texas,” including common-law marriages. She calls it a “massive mistake” and blames the current attorney general, Greg Abbott, for allowing the language to become part of the Texas Constitution. She also says that another constitutional amendment may be necessary to reverse the problem. However not everyone agrees. Kelly Shackelford, president of the Liberty Legal Institute in Plano says, “It’s a silly argument. Any lawsuit based on the wording of the section in question would have about one chance in a trillion of being successful.” (Star Telegram)

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

Preaching, welcome, style of worship and location are the four most important factors when Christians are searching for a new church. And of these, the most important is the quality of the sermon. According to a new Pew Research Study published in ChristianToday.com, Nearly half of the American adults who attend religious services regularly have found themselves needing to look for a new congregation at some point in their lives. More than eight in ten of those surveyed cited the quality of preaching as influencing their choice. Nearly as many said it was important to feel welcomed. Three-quarters say the style of worship helped them choose. http://bit.ly/2bL5uKq

Conjoined twins who had a slim chance of survival are now preparing to go to school for the first time. According to the Guardian, Rosie and Ruby Formosa, who were born joined at the abdomen and shared part of an intestine, needed an emergency operation to separate them when they were born in 2012. Their parents, Angela and Daniel Formosa, were told the girls had a low chance of survival when medics discovered they were conjoined. However, the separation operation at London’s Great Ormond Street hospital was successful and now the identical twins lead happy and healthy lives. They are preparing to start school this month.

https://www.theguardian.com/society/2016/aug/30/conjoined-twins-separated-at-birth-to-start-school

Atheists have blocked a city grant for a National Baptist USA meeting of 20,000 delegates. According to the Baptist Press, Atheists blocked a $65,000 grant the Kansas City, Missouri government had allocated for use during the National Baptist Convention USA annual meeting Sept. 5-9 in the city. Officials say they had counted on the Neighborhood Tourist Development Fund grant to help cover ground transportation costs for delegates at the 31,000 church meeting, saying the funds would support tourism. But after American Atheists Inc. and two of its Kansas City members contended in a lawsuit that the public funds would support religion, the city withheld the grant pending additional documentation from officials.  ***It never ceases to amaze me how threatened some people are of a God they insist does not exist.  http://ow.ly/I3L5303Hbvn

Initial results are in from the Southern California Harvest America event this weekend – updated from the numbers reported earlier this week. The free, three-night event featured music from Chris Tomlin, For King and Country and Tobymac as well as a message each night from Greg Laurie. Officials say that more than 105-thousand people attended the conference at Angels Stadium while another 55-thousand watched online. More than 11-thousand people made a profession of faith. However, if you missed the live broadcast, you can now watch Greg’s messages from the three nights online at https://www.harvest.org/crusades-and-events/2016-socal.

Hollywood actor and filmmaker Mel Gibson appeared as a surprise guest at SoCal Harvest at Angel Stadium Sunday night and sat down on stage with evangelist Greg Laurie to discuss recent reports that he is working on a sequel to his blockbuster reenactment film “The Passion of the Christ.” According to the Christian Post, In June, screenwriter Randall Wallace told Hollywood Reporter that he and Gibson are working on a follow-up to “The Passion of the Christ” that focuses on Christ’s resurrection. The 60-year-old Gibson, who directed and produced the 2004 film, told Laurie that he and Wallace are in fact, “talking about” the possibility of a follow-up film, which he said would be called “The Resurrection.”

http://www.christianpost.com/news/mel-gibson-tells-greg-laurie-passion-of-the-christ-sequel-the-resurrection-may-be-next-movie-168722/

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Even if I won the lottery, I don’t think I would quit my job.  I don’t really have it all that hard: surfing the Web looking for material and writing jokes all day.  I’d see about cutting back on that “work” stuff, though, because that part kinda stinks.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

AUGUST 26, 2016…

Blood Father—Mel Gibson is back in action in this thriller about a man trying to rescue his kidnapped family. Other stars include Diego Luna, William H. Macy and Thomas Mann. “Blood Father” is rated R. No rating.

Don’t Breathe—When teens get restless, they sometimes get into trouble.  Such is the premise of this film starring Jane Levy. A group decides to break into the house of a blind man, but meet with surprises.  Also in the cast is Stephan Lang. “Don’t Breathe” is rated R. No rating.

Hands Of Stone—Edgar Ramirez takes on the role of the fighter Roberto Duran in this biopic. Robert De Niro is Duran’s coach. Fighting your way up the ranks is sometimes a brutal business. “Hands Of Stone” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans of the sport.

Mechanic: Resurrection–Can you keep a good movie title down?  No, not when Jason Statham is involved.  Here he is back in action and trying  to rescue his girlfriend. Jessica Alba is also in the cast. “Mechanic: Resurrection” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.

The Hollars—John Krasinski (“The Office”) writes and directs this film about a man going to visit his family and finding they are still as dysfunctional as usual. The cast includes Sharito Copley, Anna Kendrick and Charlie Day. “The Hollars” is rated PG 13. No rating.

SEPTEMBER 02, 2016…

Equity (opening from an earlier date) stars Anna Gunn as a business woman fighting the Glass Ceiling.

The 9th Life Of Louis Drax is a thriller about a child who keeps having accidents and the doctor who tries to help him.  Stars Jamie Dorman and Aiden Longworth.

The Light Between Oceans from M. L. Stedman’s novel, nas Michael Fassbinder as a man in Australia who adopts a baby he found.

Morgan is a science fiction film about making a decision to keep an artificial life form or not. Stars Kate Mara.

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WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.