September 04, 2016: Sunday ONAIRprep

***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS – FREE TO AIR! (Receive a free customized version specifically for your station or show! Contact me with your ONAIRprep username for details!)

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***LIFE LINES – FREE TO AIR! (Updates automatically weekdays at 8am.)

AND NOW… ON WITH THE SHOW!

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20160904

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Today’s (JOCK SHOW) will be brought to you in its entirety, even though I’m only half here.

And now, even though we already get far too much hate mail as it is, (STATION) courageously presents (THE JOCK SHOW)!

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things; and the God of peace shall be with you.”   –Philippians 4:9

In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me? –Psalm 56:4

This is what the Lord says — your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel: “I am the Lord your God, who teaches you what is best for you, who directs you in the way you should go.” — Isaiah 48:17

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

Your love has given me great joy and encouragement, because you, brother, have refreshed the hearts of the saints. — Philemon 1:7

Thought: Wouldn’t this description of Philemon be a great one to have said about you! To be loved, supported, and encouraged by an encourager is to have your heart refreshed and your attitude lifted. Let’s make a commitment to be an “encourager” who refreshes the hearts of those around us this week.

Prayer: Tender and loving God, thank you for leading the people into my life who have encouraged me when I most needed it. Please give me the eyes to see and the heart to serve those around me who desperately need my encouragement. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

Daniel 9:4 NIV = I prayed to the LORD my God and confessed: “O Lord, the great and awesome God, who keeps his covenant of love with all who love him and obey his commands.

TODAY IS SUNDAY – SEPTEMBER 04, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 1
17 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

WORLD ANTI-TWERKING DAY. ***MARLAR: Okay, so it’s not a real holiday – but don’t you think it should be?

FALLING CIRCUS DAY. In 1827 a circus went over Niagara Falls. Bankrupt owners charged 8,000 people 50¢ each to watch bears, tigers, buffalos, monkeys, wagons, everything go over the falls. ***MARLAR: Obviously before the creation of PETA.

EAT AN EXTRA DESSERT DAY.  Every week, Americans eat an average of 3 desserts, with 85% indulging in dessert at least once a week. 59% of Americans eat dinner just to order dessert, while 33% say they crave desserts more than 4 times a day.  ***MARLAR: How do you crave desserts more than 4 times a day, yet only eat an average of three each week? You’ll never become a bigger person living like that.

Today is EDSEL DAY, commemorating September 4, 1957, when Ford Motor Company introduced its infamous $350-million disaster car.  It’s considered a classic now and is sought after by collectors.  ***MARLAR: We’re hoping history will eventually vindicate my radio show as well.

Today is GILLIGAN’S ISLAND DAY. In 1964 “Gilligan’s Island” premiered on CBS-TV. The cast was stranded for three full seasons and 98 episodes. (audio clip)

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Bacon Day

Franchise Appreciation Day

National Buffalo Chicken Wings Days begin

National Tailgating Day

National Writing Date Day

Penny Press Day

COMING UP NEXT

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 04

National Wildlife Day

Newspaper Carrier Day

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 05

Be Late For Something Day

Great Bathtub Race

International Day of Charity

Jury Rights Day

Labor Day

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 06

Another Look Unlimited Day

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 07

Google Commemoration Day

Grandma Moses Day

National Attention Deficit Disorder Awareness Day ***You’d think they could come up with a shorter name for a day dedicated to people with short attention spans.

Neither Snow Nor Rain” Day

Salami Day

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 08

International Literacy Day

National Ampersand Day

Pardon Day

Pediatric Hematology/Oncology Nurses Day

Virgin Mary Day (birthday)

World Physical Therapy Day

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 09

Care Bears Share Your Care Day

International Buy a Priest a Beer Day

Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders Day

Opposite Day

Wonderful Weirdoes Day

Banana Day

Stand Up To Cancer Day

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 10

Farmer’s Consumer Awareness Day

International Drive Your Studebaker Day

National Day of Remembrance for Aborted Children

National Hollerin’ Day

National Iguana Awareness Day

Prairie Day

Swap Ideas Day

Suicide Prevention Day

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 11

Pet Rock Day

Grandparents’ Day

Libraries Remember Day

Miss America Pageant

National Day of Service and Remembrance

National Hug Your Hound Day

Patriot Day

Remember Freedom Day

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 12

Day for South-South Cooperation

National Boss/Employee Exchange Day

National Programmers Day

Video Games Day

World Maritime Day

ON THIS DAY

1827: A circus went over Niagara Falls. Bankrupt owners charged 8,000 people 50¢ each to watch bears, tigers, buffaloes, monkeys, wagons, everything go over the falls.

1882: Thomas Edison flipped a switch to turn on 400 light bulbs in offices on Spruce, Wall, Nassau, and Pearl streets in New York’s lower Manhattan, the world’s first electric lighting. Edison had demonstrated his first incandescent lamp only three years earlier.

1888: Kodak patented the world’s first roll-film camera.

1952: Gladys Knight & the Pips were formed following the 10th birthday party for Bubba Knight. Gladys was eight and had already won “Ted Mack’s Original Amateur Hour,” but since brother Bubba was older, he became the unofficial leader of the group.

1953: The New York Yankees became the first baseball team to win five consecutive American League championships.

1960: Larry Verne’s “(Please) Mr. Custer, (I Don’t Want to Go), debuted on the Billboard Hot 100. Verne had never sung before, but he worked across the hall from the song writing team. The spoof hit #1.

1962: John Lennon, Paul McCartney, George Harrison, and Ringo Starr recorded together for the first time at EMI’s St. John’s Wood Studio 2 in England. They rehearsed six numbers all day and recorded “Love Me Do” and “P.S. I Love You” that evening. “Love Me Do” was right on the 17th take. “P.S. I Love You” would be re-recorded a week later with Andy White on drums and Ringo playing maracas.

1964: “Gilligan’s Island” premiered on CBS-TV. The cast was stranded for three full seasons and 98 episodes. Bob Denver was Gilligan, Alan Hale Jr. played the Skipper. A Saturday cartoon version lasted three more seasons on ABC. (audio clip)

1968: The Rolling Stones’ single “Street Fighting Man” was banned in Chicago for fear it might incite rioting.

1972: U.S. swimmer Mark Spitz became the first athlete to win seven Olympic gold medals.

1973: Singer Charlie Rich was awarded a gold record for “Behind Closed Doors.”

1982: 8,659 British dancers formed history’s longest conga line near London.

1986: After just getting his license back after a five-year suspension, rocker Greg Allman was arrested in Florida for drunk driving.

1991: Singer Dottie West died from injuries suffered in an auto crash after catching a ride with a stranger when her car had stalled. Her biggest hits: “Here Comes My Baby” and “Country Sunshine.”

1993: New York Yankee Jim Abbott pitched a no-hitter against Cleveland and won 4-0. Abbott was born without a right hand.

2002: Texas cocktail waitress and aspiring pop star Kelly Clarkson was voted the first “American Idol” on the Fox TV series.

2002: A new Viennese ensemble debuted playing instruments made from vegetables. The Vienna Vegetable Orchestra played classical and jazz pieces on carved-out carrots, cucumbers, green peppers, and pumpkins. They came up with the idea after studying the sounds of vegetables being chopped.

2002: Singer Kelly Clarkson was voted the first “American Idol” on the Fox TV series.

2005: New Orleans completed evacuation of Hurricane Katrina survivors from the Superdome and convention center — 42,000 in one day. There still were 2,000 at the airport and another 1,000 trapped in attics of flooded buildings.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

(None today)

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • Actress (Say Anything, Wayne’s World, Fever Pitch) Ione Skye 45

  • actor (Punchline, The Last Boy Scout, Major Payne, Blankman) Damon Wayans 56

  • actress (Flags of our Fathers, Mystery Alaska, A Life Less Ordinary, The Devil’s Advocate) Judith Ivey 68

  • actress (South Pacific) Mitzi Gaynor 85

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1892 : Darius Milhaud

1940 : Sonny Charles

1942 : Merald Knight (Gladys Knight & The Pips)

1952 : Martin Chamber (The Pretenders)

1960 : Kim Thayil (Soundgarden)

1980 : Dan Miller (O-Town)

1982 : Beyoncé Knowles

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Why did children’s book author Theodor Geisel change his name to Dr. Seuss?

Well he couldn’t call himself Dr. Spock, for obvious reasons. Nobody would believe he was Dr. Louis Pasteur. Nurse Seuss didn’t quite do it. And Dr. Zeus sounded a bit presumptuous. Believe it or not, the widely beloved children’s book author needed a quick name change because of some trouble he got into in college during prohibition. He was the editor of Dartmouth college’s humor magazine when a room check turned up a bottle of the prohibited stuff in his quarters. The Grinch in charge of the place decreed that he be booted from the magazine as punishment. Outwitting the authorities, the young man took his middle name, Seuss, as his last name and stayed on the publication. In later life he promoted himself to “Dr.,” a title that Dartmouth confirmed on him officially with an honorary doctorate in 1957. Guess they never found out about his secret identity.

Source: JUST CURIOUS JEEVES by Jack Mingo and Erin Barrett

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE! Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

A reminder from Jimmy Needham: Hundreds of men and women were strung up, burned at the stake and beheaded so we could have the Bible in our own language. Read with gratitude.

An interesting observation from Danny Gokey: It seems that the presidential candidates are so distracted fighting each other that they have no time to fight real issues.

A special honor for the members of the band Kutless. They posted this week: Such an honor to be able to send off Veterans as they depart for Port Alsworth, Alaska for Operation Heal Our Patriots. James and Jon Micah Sumrall are in Alaska on a vacation with their family but will also be sharing some music with the soldiers at Operation Heal Our Patriots.

The Sidewalk Prophets announced Wednesday night that a movie, based on their song Prodigal, will be part of their upcoming fall Prodigal tour. Dave Frey took to Facebook live to talk about the tour and also share the news about the movie. He said the script was written in part by fellow band member Ben McDonald. Dave said more on the tour and the movie will be coming every week leading up to their first show.

Last weekend Building 429 guitarist Jesse Garcia missed a step and fell nine feet from the stage in the middle of one of their songs. The good news is that, although Jesse was bruised, nothing was broken. In fact, he was able to finish the concert before going in for medical attention. This week the band released a video of Jesse’s accident and it’s clear God was protecting him.  http://ow.ly/1pDQ303L0em

Casting Crowns’ Jaun Devevo says his life is on pause. He posted that he is currently waiting for the next dance craze to hit.

Hawk Nelson’s Jon Steingard is out with his latest vlog. This time Jon gets personal, telling “The Story Of Us”. Check out the story of how he met and got to know his wife Jess. https://youtu.be/Gp-WmD2ByJQ

Joel, from For King and Country, this week gave a peek behind the scenes of the band’s movie Priceless. Joel plays the lead in the movie about human trafficking. In the video he shared more about the reason the group made the movie and what to expect when it comes to the box office in October. Hear Joel’s thoughts on Priceless at https://twitter.com/PricelessMovie/status/770400949387001856/video/1.

Jimmy Needham will be behind the pulpit this weekend. He was preparing his message this week and said his plan was to get into some evangelism real-talk with 2 Timothy.

Not a good start to the day for Third Day’s Mac Powell. He posted: So my day started with getting my blood drawn….No big deal, just check up stuff. But I hate needles!

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. As on ONAIRprep subscriber, you can get a fully-produced, customized version of the Daily Dose of Weird News FREE with a station or show specific tag! Email darren@onairprep.com for details!)

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Wonder Woman”

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Bob Smiley, “Pregnant”

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE


OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle island of Razzleflabbin, Marvy Snuffelson had washed ashore after being sent to his room for not playing with a new kid in the neighborhood. He’s already met some strange birds – Beach Birds – on the island, and he’s just met some giant hairy creatures, called Razzleflabbins!

CLOSE: Okay – so we know why Marvy was sent to his room, and we know that the Razzleflabbins are friendly and want to make friend with everyone, but how does ANY of this help Marvy get back to his room? Tune in next time, As the Jungle Turns!

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF SEPTEMBER 03/04

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle island of Razzleflabbin, we discovered that the Plaid Guy – who all of the Razzleflabbins were terrified of, was actually not a bad guy at all… he was just different! They’ve all made friends now, and he’s even been invited to the Razzleflabbin Barbecue!

CLOSE: Sounds like everyone is having a great time with their new friend, the Plaid Guy… but what about Marvy? He’s still stranded on Razzleflabbin Island! Will he ever get home? Find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

What happens when the gene pool meets the job pool? A Moment of Duh happens!

In Britain, a man was applying for a position with a security firm. When the interviewer asked the man to produce identification, the only document the 24year-old had with his name and address on it was an arrest warrant from police notifying the man to turn himself in. He handed it to the interviewer, who called police.

TOP TEN

TOP 10 TV PILOTS OF ALL TIME

TV Guide’s senior writer Damian Holbrook, in all his wisdom, names the top 10 TV pilots of all time:

  • “Lost” (2004) Forget that we still have no idea why the hell Flight 815 went down. From the moment Kate started sewing up Jack’s injuries, we were sucked in like that dude who got too close to the engine. Plus, anything that can introduce one of TV’s loopiest mythologies and Josh Holloway is totally worth a $12 million budget.

  • “24” (2001) Real time was a real turn-on when Jack Bauer got to work cracking bratty Kim’s disappearance, the threat of Senator Palmer’s like, and a shocking final-moments airline explosion that only hinted at how bananas Bauer’s day was about to get. Probably would have called in sick had he known.

  • “The Shield” (2002) Who knew the Commish was such a badass?! Michael Chiklis practically scorched our corneas with his blazingly intense Det. Vic Mackey, the dirtiest Harry ever, in this profane, violent opener that took NYPD Blue’s idea of flawed cops to a corrupt new high. Or is that low? Either way, it was truly arresting.

  • The Sopranos” (1999) Ducks. One word and we’re having a panic attack right along with Tony again. Filmed two years before HBO ever aired it, this Godfather-gone-neurotic series showed that mobsters are people, too, and gave us two wildly divergent ideas of family that were both utterly unfuhgeddable.

  • “30 Rock” (2006) After a few tweaks and the swap out of Rachel Dratch for Jane Krakowski, Tina Fey’s second pass at her hit’s opener deftly nailed the bizarre world that is sketch TV, while flipping a major bird at corporate-network synergy. Comedy is rarely this smart, accessible or, well, Rock solid.

  • “Football Wives” (2007) James Van Der Beek, Eddie Cibrian, Lucy Lawless and Gabrielle Union in an American version of the Brit soap about jocks and the women who, um, support them. Hot, right? Too bad ABC dropped the ball by not picking these Wives up, ’cause they would have scored big time.

  • “Desperate Housewives” (2004) With a mix of soapy goodness and comedy darker than the garb at Mary Alice’s funeral, our Wisterian wonders somehow made bad parenting and suburban dysfunction as delicious as Bree’s muffins. Maybe it was the fierce cast. Or the fact that none of them actually looked like our real neighbors.

  • “Saturday Night Live” (1975) Live from New York, it’s the one that started it all! Hosted by George Carlin, the late-nighter – then called NBC’s Saturday Night – felt cheap and unpolished, but with Andy Kaufman’s Mighty Mouse bit and the nascent Not Ready for Prime Time Players, it was clear that we were seeing subversive greatness take shape before our not-so-sleepy eyes.

  • “ER” (1994) Marcus Welby officially left the building after these frenetic medics crashed through the doors of County General with about 1,000 ccs of realism and George Clooney on the verge of breakout stardom. When those EMTs rolled in suicidal nurse Carol Hathaway, we almost flatlined.

  • “Alias’ (2001) While there is little in this world cooler than Jennifer Garner in that red wig, what really blew us away was the adrenalized action, the coed-turned-spy’s emotional complexity and the arsenal of twists creator J.J. Abrams packed into over an hour of commercial-free mayhem. Like Sydney, this one kicks butt.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Many crooks have been jailed thanks to so-called ‘three strikes’ laws, but few have managed to rack up those three strikes in one day.

FILE #1: …However, an obviously hapless Bosnian thief identified only as Fehim managed to turn the trifecta. First, the 44-year-old was caught breaking into a car and taken to a police station. He was released after giving a statement but was back a few hours later after causing a car accident in another stolen vehicle. Once again he was released. After two more failed car thefts, Fehim tried his hand at home burglary, but was caught as he broke into an apartment. This time they put him behind bars for safe keeping.

FILE #2: Diane Haunfelder, 29, was charged with theft in Waukesha, Wis., in January after her 7-year-old son ratted her out as having directed him to shoplift a CD player and a camera from a Wal-Mart. However, according to authorities, Haunfelder claimed she was actually performing a public service by setting the boy up to get caught so that he would learn the consequences of crime: “I picked out the most expensive (items) so he’d get in trouble.”

FILE #3: Clever police in Florida are using the current economic downturn to help catch wanted criminals. The Fort Lauderdale Police Department set up a little scam they called “Operation Show Me the Money” and, using the name of the fictitious “South Florida Stimulus Coalition,” mailed letters to folks with outstanding arrest warrants telling them there was a government stimulus check waiting for them. The letters told the suspects to call a special phone number to make appointments to claim their money. 76 people did and were all arrested when they showed up for their checks. Police said such roundups are safer and more efficient than serving warrants at people’s homes. Police Sergeant Frank Sousa, who spearheaded the operation, declined to say how much money the suspects were offered but did say, “They were not large dollar amounts. No one was promised thousands of dollars.” (Reuters)

STRANGE LAW: Fowl, roosters to be specific, are prohibited from going into bakeries in Massachusetts.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

A ton of pot has gone up in smoke… 

… and now, federal authorities are trying to figure out who stored two-thousand pounds of marijuana in a south Texas warehouse. It took more than 35 firefighters about a-half hour to put out the blaze. But now those firefighters have a bit of a problem.  Edinburg Fire Chief Shawn Snider says his fire crews were exposed to so much marijuana smoke — they wouldn’t be able to pass a drug test.  ***MARLAR: And they’ve also blown the fire department’s entire grocery budget for the year due to a severe case of the munchies.

PHONER PHUN

It’s Gilligan’s Island Day! If you were asked to pick the actors and actresses to play the seven castaways for a big budget movie version of the TV show, who would you choose for the various characters?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Where does the Bible suggest that too much study is hard on the body?

ANSWER: Ecclesiastes

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: John the Baptist ate locusts – were they less meaty, or more meaty than beef?

ANSWER: Less meaty – but pound for pound, locusts contain 30 percent more protein than a T-bone steak.

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. The official state fish of Georgia is the smallmouth bass. (False -largemouth bass, designated in 1970)

2. Research has shown that ginger is more effective than Dramamine in combating motion sickness. (True)

3. The first soda pop made in the U.S. was Dr. Pepper. (False – Vernor’s Ginger Ale, created in Detroit, Michigan in 1866 by James Vernor. He sold it in his drug store for 30 years before opening a factory to produce it on a larger scale.)

4. Toward the end of the fifteenth century, men’s shoes had a square tip, like a duck’s beak, because of a man having six toes. (True. It was a fashion launched by Charles VIII of France to hide the imperfection of one of his feet, which had six toes.)

5. The Academy Awards were first broadcast in color in 1960. (False – 1966)

6. Mozart never went to school. (True)

7. Willard Scott was the first Ronald McDonald. (True)

8. A group of geese on the ground is a “gaggle,” a group of geese in the air is a “google.” (False – a “skein”)

9. A jogger’s heel strikes the ground about 1,500 times per mile. (True)

10. Caterpillars have over 4,000 muscles. (True – humans have only 639)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

Pepsi Delivery Guy Punches __________” (COKE DELIVERY GUY)

Apparently the cola wars are alive and well! After some mild bickering during a delivery at a Wal-Mart in Indiana County, Pennsylvania, police report that a Pepsi Cola route driver allegedly punched a Coca-Cola route driver repeatedly in the face. No drivers from RC Cola were reported at the scene.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

While ferrying workers back and forth from an offshore oil rig the helicopter lost power and went down. Fortunately, it landed safely in the lake. Struggling to get out, one man tore off his seat belt, inflated his life vest, and jerked open the exit door. “Don’t jump!” the pilot yelled. “This thing is supposed to float!”
As the man leapt from the helicopter into the lake, he yelled back, “Yeah? Well it’s supposed to FLY too!”

JOKE #2

When the office printer’s type began to grow faint, the office manager called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he said, the manager might try reading the printer’s manual and doing the job himself.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, the office manager asked, “Does your boss know that you discourage business?”

“Actually it’s my boss’s idea,” the employee replied. “We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first.”

JOKE #3

A couple was going out for the evening. The last thing they did was to put the cat out.
The taxi arrived, and as the couple walked out of the house, the cat shoots back in. So the husband goes back inside to chase it out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explained to the taxi driver “He’s just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.”

A few minutes later, the husband got into the taxi and said, “Sorry I took so long, the stupid thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!”

USELESS FACTS

McDonald’s Big Mac turned 49 last month.  ***MARLAR: And it’s still under the original warmers.

A judge in New Zealand ordered a man who called police officers ‘pigs’ to spend a day at a pig farm and then write an essay about the difference between pigs and police officers.  ***MARLAR: I am SO glad I am not this guy.  I look for jokes in everything, and if you tell me I have to write an essay pointing out the differences between pigs and police officers, I can guarantee you the essay is going to get me into trouble all over again.

FEATURED FUNNIES

ACTUAL CALLS RECEIVED AT THE PUBLIC GOLF COURSE (Amherst, Mass. Staff)

Staff: May I help you?

Caller: What are your green fees?

Staff: 38 dollars.

Caller: Does that include golf?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: Yes, I need to get some information from you. First, is this your correct phone number?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: Yes, we have a tee time for two weeks from Friday. What’s the weather going to be like that day?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: Yes, I had a tee time for this afternoon but I’m running late. Can you still get me out early?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: Yes, do you have one of those areas where you can buy

a bucket of golf balls and hit them for practice?

Staff: You mean a driving range?

Caller: No, that’s not it.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: Yes, I’d like to get a tee time tomorrow between 12 o’clock and noon.

Staff: Between 12 o’clock and noon?

Caller: Yes.

Staff: We’ll try to squeeze you in.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: Do you have any open tee times around 10 o’clock?

Staff: Yes, we have one at 10:15.

Caller: What’s the next time after that?

Staff: We have one at 10:22.

Caller: We’ll take that one. It will be a bit warmer.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: How much to play golf today?

Staff: 25 to walk, 38 with a cart.

Caller: 38 dollars?

Staff: No, 38 yen.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: What do you have for tee times tomorrow?

Staff: What time would you like?

Caller: What times do you have?

Staff: What time of the day?

Caller: Any time.

Staff: Morning or afternoon?

Caller: Whenever.

Staff: We have 16 times open in the morning and 20 open in the afternoon. Would you like me to read the whole list?

Caller: No, I don’t think any of those times will work for me.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: Do you have a dress code?

Staff: Yes, we do. We require soft spikes.

Caller: How about clothes?

Staff: Yes, you have to wear clothes.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: Yes, do you have a driving range there?

Staff: Yes.

Caller: How much for a bucket of large balls?

Staff: Sorry, we’re all out of large balls. But we can give you twice as many small balls for the same price.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: Can I get a tee time for tomorrow?

Staff: Sure, what time would you like?

Caller: Something between 9 o’clock and 10 o’clock. In the morning, if possible.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: Do you rent golf clubs there?

Staff: Yes, they’re 25 dollars.

Caller: How much to rent a bag?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: Yes, my husband just called me on his cell phone and told me he’s on the 15th hole. How many more holes does he have to play before he gets to the 18th?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: Yes, do you have a driving range there?

Staff: Yes.

Caller: How much for a large bucket?

Staff: Four dollars.

Caller: Does that include the balls?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: Do you have a twilight rate?

Staff: Yes, it’s 15 dollars after 2 o’clock.

Caller: And what time does that start?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: Yes, I’d like some info about your golf course.

Staff: OK, what would you like to know?

Caller: I don’t know, that’s why I called.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: My kids just came home with pockets full of range balls and said they stole them from your driving range. Would you like to buy them back?

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

PLANET OF THE APES
A little monkey-business has been going on at a safari park in Scotland. People have been receiving prank phone calls… from a chimpanzee!
Would it surprise you to know that a chimpanzee was making prank phone calls to zoo personnel? It’s true! The Blair Drummond Safari Park in central Scotland was inundated with visitors curious to see “Chippy,” who stole a mobile phone and quickly learned to use it. The chimpanzee apparently picked the pocket of one of the zoo workers who was cleaning his cage. Suddenly, some of the wardens started getting mysterious phone calls the next morning…one worker heard the chimp’s shrieks and that’s when the Chippy was busted. Chippy, one of four chimpanzees at the park, dialed into the phone’s stored numbers and started making random calls. “He was a bit depressed when we took the phone away,” said the zookeeper. “But everybody comes in wanting to see him… I haven’t been able to do my work.”

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

ACT NOW
I would rather be ashes than dust!

I would rather that my spark should burn out in a brilliant blaze than it should be stifled by dry rot.

I would rather be a superb meteor, every atom of me in magnificent glow, than a sleepy and permanent planet.

The proper function of man is to live, not to exist.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

I shall use my time.

–Jack London

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

“Death and life are in the power of the tongue, And those who love it will eat its fruit” –Proverbs 18:21
Words have the power to motivate or destroy, energize or deflate, inspire, or create despair. Many a successful executive can remember the time their father failed to give affirmation to them as a child. The result was either over achievement to prove their worth, or under achievement to prove he was right.
Many a wife has lost her ability to love because of a critical husband. Many a husband has left a marriage because of words of disrespect and ungratefulness. Stories abound to the power of words. There are just as many stories of those who have encouraged, challenged and comforted with words that made a difference in their life.

Jesus knew the power of words. He used parables to convey his principles of the Kingdom of God. He used words of forgiveness and mercy. He used words to challenge. He used words to inspire His disciples to miraculous faith.
Do your words give life? Do they inspire and challenge others to greatness? Who does God want you to encourage through your words today? Affirm someone close to you today.

LEFTOVERS

THE MISSING PRESIDENT
Imagine what would happen if the President of the United States NEVER made an appearance . . . ever.

Well, that’s not normally the case. American presidential candidates need little encouragement to give a speech, even when they have nothing to say. That’s why it’s nothing short of amazing that America’s third president, Thomas Jefferson, author of the Declaration of Independence made no public appearances or speeches in his eight years in office other than to deliver his inaugural address to Congress. He even submitted his annual State of the Union message in writing. Hardly anyone ever saw the guy. ***MARLAR: Imagine what supermarket tabloid headlines could have done with that: ALIENS ABDUCT PRESIDENT: THREE-BRAINED MONSTER IN JEFFERSON MASK LIVING IN WHITE HOUSE!

LIFE… LIVE IT

LOOKING FOR MR. RIGHT?

Look at his home. Here’s what a man’s home says about him, according to relationship expert Nancilee Wydra:

  • Bar stools are for activities that require alertness. When positioned in the dining area, stools indicate meals are practical affairs meant to handle hunger, not socializing. Men who use stools in this manner are often unwilling to make long-lasting connections.

  • A messy bathroom tabs the homeowner as someone careless about personal hygiene. The bomb-gone-off look links a man to low self-esteem or an inability to nurture others.

  • Bed location offering a clear view of the bedroom door labels the man as a take-charge kind of guy likely to assume the responsibilities of a relationship. On the flip side, sleeping with an obstructed view of the doorway may indicate a fear of assuming responsibility.

  • Kitchen clutter reveals a man’s inability to carry through on good intentions. But a clean, tidy, well-stocked kitchen caters to men who have an easy time expressing their feelings.

  • Pets or Plants portray a man who enjoys life and all living things. He’s a nurturer who’s in tune to the needs of others.

JUST FOR FUN

IRS THIEVES

Hey, it’s another story of how the IRS is ripping people off! This time, people in Minnesota are getting ripped off! You know that $600 check we all received a while back? Minnesotans only got $599.99! The IRS is ripping them off for a penny – those filthy scoundrels!

Be warned: Those IRS computers are fine-tuned. Philip Gallion, a retired Honeywell engineer living in Lake Shore, Minn., received his federal tax rebate recently. He was expecting $600. The check was for $599.99. “I thought maybe I had misread the stories about the refund,” he said. “Maybe there was a sliding scale. But a penny?” A few days later, he received a four-page letter from the IRS explaining that his rebate had been reduced to cover interest he owed on an underpayment of his 2000 taxes. Gallion called a telephone number provided in the letter. “It was the longest recorded message I’ve ever listened to,” he said. “I ate my whole breakfast waiting for a person to talk to.” When a person finally came on the line, she confirmed Gallion’s identity, then looked up his account records. “She said I made a calculation error of 46 cents,” he said. “She said they wrote it off, but the computer can’t write it off, so it generated a letter.” She wasn’t laughing, Gallion said. “It seemed like she had been answering questions like that for a while.”  ***MARLAR: And how much did it cost for them to send the letter?

FUN LIST

YOU MIGHT BE IN RADIO IF… you turn up the radio excitedly at the sound of dead air on your competitor’s station.

YOU MIGHT BE IN RADIO IF… you listen to the radio “invertedly”, turning up the volume during promos, sweepers, and talk sets, and flipping to another station during music.

YOU MIGHT BE IN RADIO IF… you drive around aimlessly looking for an unlit 4 tower array just to see it.

YOU MIGHT BE IN RADIO IF… you swear at the competition while driving when you hear a song they beat you to.

YOU MIGHT BE IN RADIO IF… you’ve ever heard of a “cart” outside of shopping.

YOU MIGHT BE IN RADIO IF… you tell someone you plan to go to lunch “coming up next hour”.

YOU MIGHT BE IN RADIO IF… you have 125 unopened CDs you’ll never listen to but, never more than $3 cash.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

ARE YOU AN AVERAGE AMERICAN GUY?

To be “average” in America is to be a solid citizen, fun-loving, charming and human. That’s the conclusion reached by marketing consultant Kevin O’Keefe, who spent more than a year searching for the ultimate traits of the average American. His results are reported in his book, “The Average American: The Extraordinary Search For The Nation’s Most Ordinary Citizen.” Here are some of the facts and statistics that reportedly mark one as an average “Ordinary Joe”:

  1. Tips the scales at between 135 and 205 pounds.  ***MARLAR: Hey, I’ve ABOVE average!

  2. Is between the ages of 18 and 53

  3. Lives within 20 minutes of a Wal-Mart and 3 miles of a McDonald’s restaurant

  4. Can name the Three Stooges.  ***MARLAR: Careful – there were actually more than three!  In fact, there were a total of SIX!  Check it out: http://www.threestooges.com/.

  5. Scarfs down ice cream once a month

  6. Spends the majority of his time indoors

  7. Resides in an owner-occupied home

  8. Has direct access to one or two automobiles or other motorized vehicles

  9. Routinely wears a seat belt

  10. Goes to church at least once a month

  11. Goes to bed before midnight

  12. Drinks up the milk from his cereal bowl

  13. Makes annual dental visits and uses dental floss on a non-set schedule

  14. Has earned at least a high-school degree

  15. Tosses out 100 pounds of food per year

  16. Has an annual income in the range of $15,000 to $75,000

  17. Spends 48 hours yearly shopping at the mall.  ***MARLAR: I am so BELOW average on this one!

  18. Wears contact lenses or eyeglasses

  19. Goes out to the movies annually

  20. Agrees with the right to bear arms

  21. Has fired a gun

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

If you are caring for someone with a disability, you might find this interesting.  Joni Tada’s husband Ken recently sat down with Ligonier Ministries to share his thoughts on caregiving for someone with a disability. As the husband of a quadriplegic, Ken is no stranger to working with disabilities. In fact, he has been helping Joni for nearly 30 years. Read more about Ken’s secrets to being a good caregiver… http://www.ligonier.org/learn/articles/caregiving-a-cause-for-christ/

A new film about the life of Christ is being released as the world’s first feature-length virtual reality movie. A 40-minute preview of the film, which uses the latest technologies such as 360 degree footage, which gives the viewer the illusion of being in the movie, is to be screened at the Venice Film Festival early next month. Jesus VR – The Story of Christ is to be released this Christmas. The film has already been shot on location in Matera, Italy, in 360-degree 4K video. Producers promise a you-are-there VR experience for the entirety of Jesus’s life and death, from his baptism to the Sermon on the Mount, and from the Last Supper to his crucifixion.”  You can read more about this unique film at http://bit.ly/2bYY7mM.

These days there is an app for just about everything, including prayer. The web site Christian Today this week released a list of their top 5 daily prayer apps. They range from a prayer journal app that allows you to record prayer requests and set up a prayer diary for specific points to a prayer app from the Church of England that gives a complete liturgy and services for morning, evening and night time prayer.  Read about all five of their suggested apps at http://bit.ly/2binDNN.

A 2-year-old North Texas boy with a disease that makes walking a challenge has a free brand-new, custom-made walker thanks to the generosity of some Home Depot employees. According to Fox News, Workers at the Home Depot in North Richland Hills, Texas spent two days crafting a walker for Silus, a 2 year old with a disease that leaves him blind and with low muscle tone. They add that has pieces that extend so, as Silus grows, the walker can grow with him.

http://ow.ly/9j5A303tqyc

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Yesterday after the show I had to pick up some stuff from the grocery store for Robin but I forgot the list and left my cell phone at home so I had to use the pay phone outside the grocery store. It was already being used, so I stood to the side and politely waited until it was free, thinking it would only be a couple of minutes. Five minutes went by, and still the man was on the phone. He was just standing there, not saying a word. Two more minutes went by, and he still wasn’t talking. Finally, I tapped him on the shoulder and asked if he was alright. “I’ll be just a second,” he responded, covering the receiver. “I’m talking to my wife.”

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

SEPTEMBER 02, 2016…

(New Opening Date) Equity—Anna Gunn wants to get a job in a top-notch investment film, but finds back-stabbing and bad investments, instead. Things start to happen when she starts looking at the workings of the corporation. Also in the cast is Alysia Reiner. “Equity” is rated PG 13. No rating.

The 9th Life Of Louis Drax—This is an unusual thriller about a child (Aiden Longworth) who keeps having accidents and the doctor (Jamie Dorman from “Shades of Gray”) who tries to help him. Also in the cast are Oliver Platt and Molly Parker. “The 9th Life of Louis Drax” is rated PG 13. No rating.

The Light Between Oceans—Based on the novel by M. L. Stedman, this plot concerns an Australian lighthouse keeper (Michael Fassbinder) and his wife (Alicia Vikander) who find a stranded baby on the beach and adopt her.  Years later, another woman, Rachel Weisz, enters their life. “The Light Between Oceans “ (bring hankie) is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

SEPTEMBER 09, 2016…

When The Bough Breaks is about what goes wrong when a couple contact a surrogate mother. Stars Morris Chestnut.

Sully has Tom Hanks as the famous airline pilot who brought his plane down in the Hudson River and made international headlines.

Before I Wake is a supernatural film about a little boy who is afraid to fall asleep. Stars Jacob Tremblay and Kate Bosworth.

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WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.