September 04, 2017: Monday ONAIRprep

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ODT: 20170904
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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Today’s (JOCK SHOW) will be brought to you in its entirety, even though I’m only half here.

And now, even though we already get far too much hate mail as it is, (STATION) courageously presents (THE JOCK SHOW)!

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things; and the God of peace shall be with you.”   –Philippians 4:9

In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me? –Psalm 56:4

This is what the Lord says — your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel: “I am the Lord your God, who teaches you what is best for you, who directs you in the way you should go.” — Isaiah 48:17

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

Your love has given me great joy and encouragement, because you, brother, have refreshed the hearts of the saints. — Philemon 1:7

Thought: Wouldn’t this description of Philemon be a great one to have said about you! To be loved, supported, and encouraged by an encourager is to have your heart refreshed and your attitude lifted. Let’s make a commitment to be an “encourager” who refreshes the hearts of those around us this week.

Prayer: Tender and loving God, thank you for leading the people into my life who have encouraged me when I most needed it. Please give me the eyes to see and the heart to serve those around me who desperately need my encouragement. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

Daniel 9:4 NIV = I prayed to the LORD my God and confessed: “O Lord, the great and awesome God, who keeps his covenant of love with all who love him and obey his commands.

TODAY IS MONDAY – SEPTEMBER 04, 2017

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
111 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

FALLING CIRCUS DAY. In 1827 a circus went over Niagara Falls. Bankrupt owners charged 8,000 people 50¢ each to watch bears, tigers, buffalos, monkeys, wagons, everything go over the falls. ***Obviously before the creation of PETA.

EAT AN EXTRA DESSERT DAY.  Every week, Americans eat an average of 3 desserts, with 85% indulging in dessert at least once a week. 59% of Americans eat dinner just to order dessert, while 33% say they crave desserts more than 4 times a day.  ***How do you crave desserts more than 4 times a day, yet only eat an average of three each week? You’ll never become a bigger person living like that.

Today is EDSEL DAY, commemorating September 4, 1957, when Ford Motor Company introduced its infamous $350-million disaster car.  It’s considered a classic now and is sought after by collectors.  ***We’re hoping history will eventually vindicate my radio show as well.

Today is GILLIGAN’S ISLAND DAY. In 1964 “Gilligan’s Island” premiered on CBS-TV. The cast was stranded for three full seasons and 98 episodes. (audio clip)

WORLD ANTI-TWERKING DAY. ***Okay, so it’s not a real holiday – but don’t you think it should be?

TODAY IS ALSO…

Labor Day
Great Bathtub Race
National Wildlife Day
Newspaper Carrier Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 05

Newspaper Carrier Day
Another Look Unlimited Day
Be Late For Something Day
International Day of Charity
Jury Rights Day

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 06

(None Today)

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 07

Google Commemoration (Founded)   Day
Grandma Moses Day
National Attention Deficit Disorder Awareness Day
“Neither Snow nor Rain” Day
Salami Day

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 08

International Literacy Day
National Ampersand Day
National Dog Walker Appreciation Day
Pardon Day
Pediatric Hematology/Oncology Nurses Day
Stand Up To Cancer Day
Virgin Mary Day (birthday)
World Physical Therapy Day

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 09

Banana Day
Care Bears Share Your Care Day
International Buy A Priest A Beer Day
International Drive Your Studebaker Day
Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders Day
Farmers’ Consumer Awareness Day
National Day of Remembrance for Aborted Children
National Hollerin’ Day
National Iguana Awareness Day
National Teddy Bear Day
Opposite Day (Do the Opposite of What You Normally Do. Breathing, living, etc. is the exception)
Prairie Day
Wonderful Weirdoes Day

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 10

National Hug Your Hound Day
National Pet Memorial Day
Swap Ideas Day
(World) Suicide Prevention Day
Grandparent’s Day

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 11

Libraries Remember Day
Miss America Pageant
National Day of Service and Remembrance
Patriot Day
Pet Rock Day
Remember Freedom Day

ON THIS DAY

1827: A circus went over Niagara Falls. Bankrupt owners charged 8,000 people 50¢ each to watch bears, tigers, buffaloes, monkeys, wagons, everything go over the falls.

1882: Thomas Edison flipped a switch to turn on 400 light bulbs in offices on Spruce, Wall, Nassau, and Pearl streets in New York’s lower Manhattan, the world’s first electric lighting. Edison had demonstrated his first incandescent lamp only three years earlier.

1888: Kodak patented the world’s first roll-film camera.

1952: Gladys Knight & the Pips were formed following the 10th birthday party for Bubba Knight. Gladys was eight and had already won “Ted Mack’s Original Amateur Hour,” but since brother Bubba was older, he became the unofficial leader of the group.

1953: The New York Yankees became the first baseball team to win five consecutive American League championships.

1960: Larry Verne’s “(Please) Mr. Custer, (I Don’t Want to Go), debuted on the Billboard Hot 100. Verne had never sung before, but he worked across the hall from the song writing team. The spoof hit #1.

1962: John Lennon, Paul McCartney, George Harrison, and Ringo Starr recorded together for the first time at EMI’s St. John’s Wood Studio 2 in England. They rehearsed six numbers all day and recorded “Love Me Do” and “P.S. I Love You” that evening. “Love Me Do” was right on the 17th take. “P.S. I Love You” would be re-recorded a week later with Andy White on drums and Ringo playing maracas.

1964: “Gilligan’s Island” premiered on CBS-TV. The cast was stranded for three full seasons and 98 episodes. Bob Denver was Gilligan, Alan Hale Jr. played the Skipper. A Saturday cartoon version lasted three more seasons on ABC. (audio clip)

1968: The Rolling Stones’ single “Street Fighting Man” was banned in Chicago for fear it might incite rioting.

1972: U.S. swimmer Mark Spitz became the first athlete to win seven Olympic gold medals.

1973: Singer Charlie Rich was awarded a gold record for “Behind Closed Doors.”

1982: 8,659 British dancers formed history’s longest conga line near London.

1986: After just getting his license back after a five-year suspension, rocker Greg Allman was arrested in Florida for drunk driving.

1991: Singer Dottie West died from injuries suffered in an auto crash after catching a ride with a stranger when her car had stalled. Her biggest hits: “Here Comes My Baby” and “Country Sunshine.”

1993: New York Yankee Jim Abbott pitched a no-hitter against Cleveland and won 4-0. Abbott was born without a right hand.

2002: Texas cocktail waitress and aspiring pop star Kelly Clarkson was voted the first “American Idol” on the Fox TV series.

2002: A new Viennese ensemble debuted playing instruments made from vegetables. The Vienna Vegetable Orchestra played classical and jazz pieces on carved-out carrots, cucumbers, green peppers, and pumpkins. They came up with the idea after studying the sounds of vegetables being chopped.

2002: Singer Kelly Clarkson was voted the first “American Idol” on the Fox TV series.

2005: New Orleans completed evacuation of Hurricane Katrina survivors from the Superdome and convention center — 42,000 in one day. There still were 2,000 at the airport and another 1,000 trapped in attics of flooded buildings.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

(None today)

BIRTHDAY RAP-UP

  • Actress (Say Anything, Wayne’s World, Fever Pitch) Ione Skye 46

  • actor (Punchline, The Last Boy Scout, Major Payne, Blankman) Damon Wayans 57

  • actress (Flags of our Fathers, Mystery Alaska, A Life Less Ordinary, The Devil’s Advocate) Judith Ivey 69

  • actress (South Pacific) Mitzi Gaynor 86

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1892 : Darius Milhaud

1940 : Sonny Charles

1942 : Merald Knight (Gladys Knight & The Pips)

1952 : Martin Chamber (The Pretenders)

1960 : Kim Thayil (Soundgarden)

1980 : Dan Miller (O-Town)

1982 : Beyoncé Knowles

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

Why did children’s book author Theodor Geisel change his name to Dr. Seuss?

Well he couldn’t call himself Dr. Spock, for obvious reasons. Nobody would believe he was Dr. Louis Pasteur. Nurse Seuss didn’t quite do it. And Dr. Zeus sounded a bit presumptuous. Believe it or not, the widely beloved children’s book author needed a quick name change because of some trouble he got into in college during prohibition. He was the editor of Dartmouth college’s humor magazine when a room check turned up a bottle of the prohibited stuff in his quarters. The Grinch in charge of the place decreed that he be booted from the magazine as punishment. Outwitting the authorities, the young man took his middle name, Seuss, as his last name and stayed on the publication. In later life he promoted himself to “Dr.,” a title that Dartmouth confirmed on him officially with an honorary doctorate in 1957. Guess they never found out about his secret identity.

Source: JUST CURIOUS JEEVES by Jack Mingo and Erin Barrett

NEWS KICKERS

(None on weekends. Want a customizable version with your specific station tag, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TUESDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, Millard the Monkey was fixated on one and only one thing… to do whatever he could to beat Steve Mozart at something. He’s tried everything, and his latest project was so frustrating that he pounded the table, a vase fell and broke on his head, and now Millard is in the hospital!


CLOSE: Now that’s gotta hurt! Not the shot, that is – but the idea that even Steve Mozart gets more attention in the hospital! Maybe Millard should just give this whole idea up. It’s getting way too dangerous now. Hopefully he’ll learn his lesson in our next episode of As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

What happens when the gene pool meets the job pool? A Moment of Duh happens!

In Britain, a man was applying for a position with a security firm. When the interviewer asked the man to produce identification, the only document the 24year-old had with his name and address on it was an arrest warrant from police notifying the man to turn himself in. He handed it to the interviewer, who called police.

TOP TEN

TOP 10 TV PILOTS OF ALL TIME

TV Guide’s senior writer Damian Holbrook, in all his wisdom, names the top 10 TV pilots of all time:

  • “Lost” (2004) Forget that we still have no idea why the hell Flight 815 went down. From the moment Kate started sewing up Jack’s injuries, we were sucked in like that dude who got too close to the engine. Plus, anything that can introduce one of TV’s loopiest mythologies and Josh Holloway is totally worth a $12 million budget.

  • “24” (2001) Real time was a real turn-on when Jack Bauer got to work cracking bratty Kim’s disappearance, the threat of Senator Palmer’s like, and a shocking final-moments airline explosion that only hinted at how bananas Bauer’s day was about to get. Probably would have called in sick had he known.

  • “The Shield” (2002) Who knew the Commish was such a badass?! Michael Chiklis practically scorched our corneas with his blazingly intense Det. Vic Mackey, the dirtiest Harry ever, in this profane, violent opener that took NYPD Blue’s idea of flawed cops to a corrupt new high. Or is that low? Either way, it was truly arresting.

  • The Sopranos” (1999) Ducks. One word and we’re having a panic attack right along with Tony again. Filmed two years before HBO ever aired it, this Godfather-gone-neurotic series showed that mobsters are people, too, and gave us two wildly divergent ideas of family that were both utterly unfuhgeddable.

  • “30 Rock” (2006) After a few tweaks and the swap out of Rachel Dratch for Jane Krakowski, Tina Fey’s second pass at her hit’s opener deftly nailed the bizarre world that is sketch TV, while flipping a major bird at corporate-network synergy. Comedy is rarely this smart, accessible or, well, Rock solid.

  • “Football Wives” (2007) James Van Der Beek, Eddie Cibrian, Lucy Lawless and Gabrielle Union in an American version of the Brit soap about jocks and the women who, um, support them. Hot, right? Too bad ABC dropped the ball by not picking these Wives up, ’cause they would have scored big time.

  • “Desperate Housewives” (2004) With a mix of soapy goodness and comedy darker than the garb at Mary Alice’s funeral, our Wisterian wonders somehow made bad parenting and suburban dysfunction as delicious as Bree’s muffins. Maybe it was the fierce cast. Or the fact that none of them actually looked like our real neighbors.

  • “Saturday Night Live” (1975) Live from New York, it’s the one that started it all! Hosted by George Carlin, the late-nighter – then called NBC’s Saturday Night – felt cheap and unpolished, but with Andy Kaufman’s Mighty Mouse bit and the nascent Not Ready for Prime Time Players, it was clear that we were seeing subversive greatness take shape before our not-so-sleepy eyes.

  • “ER” (1994) Marcus Welby officially left the building after these frenetic medics crashed through the doors of County General with about 1,000 ccs of realism and George Clooney on the verge of breakout stardom. When those EMTs rolled in suicidal nurse Carol Hathaway, we almost flatlined.

  • “Alias’ (2001) While there is little in this world cooler than Jennifer Garner in that red wig, what really blew us away was the adrenalized action, the coed-turned-spy’s emotional complexity and the arsenal of twists creator J.J. Abrams packed into over an hour of commercial-free mayhem. Like Sydney, this one kicks butt.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Many crooks have been jailed thanks to so-called ‘three strikes’ laws, but few have managed to rack up those three strikes in one day.

FILE #1: …However, an obviously hapless Bosnian thief identified only as Fehim managed to turn the trifecta. First, the 44-year-old was caught breaking into a car and taken to a police station. He was released after giving a statement but was back a few hours later after causing a car accident in another stolen vehicle. Once again he was released. After two more failed car thefts, Fehim tried his hand at home burglary, but was caught as he broke into an apartment. This time they put him behind bars for safe keeping.

FILE #2: Diane Haunfelder, 29, was charged with theft in Waukesha, Wis., in January after her 7-year-old son ratted her out as having directed him to shoplift a CD player and a camera from a Wal-Mart. However, according to authorities, Haunfelder claimed she was actually performing a public service by setting the boy up to get caught so that he would learn the consequences of crime: “I picked out the most expensive (items) so he’d get in trouble.”

FILE #3: Clever police in Florida are using the current economic downturn to help catch wanted criminals. The Fort Lauderdale Police Department set up a little scam they called “Operation Show Me the Money” and, using the name of the fictitious “South Florida Stimulus Coalition,” mailed letters to folks with outstanding arrest warrants telling them there was a government stimulus check waiting for them. The letters told the suspects to call a special phone number to make appointments to claim their money. 76 people did and were all arrested when they showed up for their checks. Police said such roundups are safer and more efficient than serving warrants at people’s homes. Police Sergeant Frank Sousa, who spearheaded the operation, declined to say how much money the suspects were offered but did say, “They were not large dollar amounts. No one was promised thousands of dollars.” (Reuters)

STRANGE LAW: Fowl, roosters to be specific, are prohibited from going into bakeries in Massachusetts.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.

A ton of pot has gone up in smoke… 

… and now, federal authorities are trying to figure out who stored two-thousand pounds of marijuana in a south Texas warehouse. It took more than 35 firefighters about a-half hour to put out the blaze. But now those firefighters have a bit of a problem.  Edinburg Fire Chief Shawn Snider says his fire crews were exposed to so much marijuana smoke — they wouldn’t be able to pass a drug test.  ***MARLAR: And they’ve also blown the fire department’s entire grocery budget for the year due to a severe case of the munchies.

PHONER PHUN

It’s Gilligan’s Island Day! If you were asked to pick the actors and actresses to play the seven castaways for a big budget movie version of the TV show, who would you choose for the various characters?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Where does the Bible suggest that too much study is hard on the body?

ANSWER: Ecclesiastes

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: John the Baptist ate locusts – were they less meaty, or more meaty than beef?

ANSWER: Less meaty – but pound for pound, locusts contain 30 percent more protein than a T-bone steak.

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. The official state fish of Georgia is the smallmouth bass. (False -largemouth bass, designated in 1970)

2. Research has shown that ginger is more effective than Dramamine in combating motion sickness. (True)

3. The first soda pop made in the U.S. was Dr. Pepper. (False – Vernor’s Ginger Ale, created in Detroit, Michigan in 1866 by James Vernor. He sold it in his drug store for 30 years before opening a factory to produce it on a larger scale.)

4. Toward the end of the fifteenth century, men’s shoes had a square tip, like a duck’s beak, because of a man having six toes. (True. It was a fashion launched by Charles VIII of France to hide the imperfection of one of his feet, which had six toes.)

5. The Academy Awards were first broadcast in color in 1960. (False – 1966)

6. Mozart never went to school. (True)

7. Willard Scott was the first Ronald McDonald. (True)

8. A group of geese on the ground is a “gaggle,” a group of geese in the air is a “google.” (False – a “skein”)

9. A jogger’s heel strikes the ground about 1,500 times per mile. (True)

10. Caterpillars have over 4,000 muscles. (True – humans have only 639)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

Pepsi Delivery Guy Punches __________” (COKE DELIVERY GUY)

Apparently the cola wars are alive and well! After some mild bickering during a delivery at a Wal-Mart in Indiana County, Pennsylvania, police report that a Pepsi Cola route driver allegedly punched a Coca-Cola route driver repeatedly in the face. No drivers from RC Cola were reported at the scene.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

While ferrying workers back and forth from an offshore oil rig the helicopter lost power and went down. Fortunately, it landed safely in the lake. Struggling to get out, one man tore off his seat belt, inflated his life vest, and jerked open the exit door. “Don’t jump!” the pilot yelled. “This thing is supposed to float!”
As the man leapt from the helicopter into the lake, he yelled back, “Yeah? Well it’s supposed to FLY too!”

JOKE #2

When the office printer’s type began to grow faint, the office manager called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he said, the manager might try reading the printer’s manual and doing the job himself.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, the office manager asked, “Does your boss know that you discourage business?”

“Actually it’s my boss’s idea,” the employee replied. “We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first.”

JOKE #3

A couple was going out for the evening. The last thing they did was to put the cat out.
The taxi arrived, and as the couple walked out of the house, the cat shoots back in. So the husband goes back inside to chase it out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explained to the taxi driver “He’s just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.”

A few minutes later, the husband got into the taxi and said, “Sorry I took so long, the stupid thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!”

USELESS FACTS

McDonald’s Big Mac turned 50 last month.  ***And it’s still under the original warmers.

A judge in New Zealand ordered a man who called police officers ‘pigs’ to spend a day at a pig farm and then write an essay about the difference between pigs and police officers.  ***I am SO glad I am not this guy.  I look for jokes in everything, and if you tell me I have to write an essay pointing out the differences between pigs and police officers, I can guarantee you the essay is going to get me into trouble all over again.

FEATURED FUNNIES

ACTUAL CALLS RECEIVED AT THE PUBLIC GOLF COURSE (Amherst, Mass. Staff)

Staff: May I help you?

Caller: What are your green fees?

Staff: 38 dollars.

Caller: Does that include golf?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: Yes, I need to get some information from you. First, is this your correct phone number?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: Yes, we have a tee time for two weeks from Friday. What’s the weather going to be like that day?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: Yes, I had a tee time for this afternoon but I’m running late. Can you still get me out early?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: Yes, do you have one of those areas where you can buy

a bucket of golf balls and hit them for practice?

Staff: You mean a driving range?

Caller: No, that’s not it.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: Yes, I’d like to get a tee time tomorrow between 12 o’clock and noon.

Staff: Between 12 o’clock and noon?

Caller: Yes.

Staff: We’ll try to squeeze you in.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: Do you have any open tee times around 10 o’clock?

Staff: Yes, we have one at 10:15.

Caller: What’s the next time after that?

Staff: We have one at 10:22.

Caller: We’ll take that one. It will be a bit warmer.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: How much to play golf today?

Staff: 25 to walk, 38 with a cart.

Caller: 38 dollars?

Staff: No, 38 yen.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: What do you have for tee times tomorrow?

Staff: What time would you like?

Caller: What times do you have?

Staff: What time of the day?

Caller: Any time.

Staff: Morning or afternoon?

Caller: Whenever.

Staff: We have 16 times open in the morning and 20 open in the afternoon. Would you like me to read the whole list?

Caller: No, I don’t think any of those times will work for me.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: Do you have a dress code?

Staff: Yes, we do. We require soft spikes.

Caller: How about clothes?

Staff: Yes, you have to wear clothes.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: Yes, do you have a driving range there?

Staff: Yes.

Caller: How much for a bucket of large balls?

Staff: Sorry, we’re all out of large balls. But we can give you twice as many small balls for the same price.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: Can I get a tee time for tomorrow?

Staff: Sure, what time would you like?

Caller: Something between 9 o’clock and 10 o’clock. In the morning, if possible.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: Do you rent golf clubs there?

Staff: Yes, they’re 25 dollars.

Caller: How much to rent a bag?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: Yes, my husband just called me on his cell phone and told me he’s on the 15th hole. How many more holes does he have to play before he gets to the 18th?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: Yes, do you have a driving range there?

Staff: Yes.

Caller: How much for a large bucket?

Staff: Four dollars.

Caller: Does that include the balls?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: Do you have a twilight rate?

Staff: Yes, it’s 15 dollars after 2 o’clock.

Caller: And what time does that start?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: Yes, I’d like some info about your golf course.

Staff: OK, what would you like to know?

Caller: I don’t know, that’s why I called.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: My kids just came home with pockets full of range balls and said they stole them from your driving range. Would you like to buy them back?

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

PLANET OF THE APES
A little monkey-business has been going on at a safari park in Scotland. People have been receiving prank phone calls… from a chimpanzee!
Would it surprise you to know that a chimpanzee was making prank phone calls to zoo personnel? It’s true! The Blair Drummond Safari Park in central Scotland was inundated with visitors curious to see “Chippy,” who stole a mobile phone and quickly learned to use it. The chimpanzee apparently picked the pocket of one of the zoo workers who was cleaning his cage. Suddenly, some of the wardens started getting mysterious phone calls the next morning…one worker heard the chimp’s shrieks and that’s when the Chippy was busted. Chippy, one of four chimpanzees at the park, dialed into the phone’s stored numbers and started making random calls. “He was a bit depressed when we took the phone away,” said the zookeeper. “But everybody comes in wanting to see him… I haven’t been able to do my work.”

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

ACT NOW
I would rather be ashes than dust!

I would rather that my spark should burn out in a brilliant blaze than it should be stifled by dry rot.

I would rather be a superb meteor, every atom of me in magnificent glow, than a sleepy and permanent planet.

The proper function of man is to live, not to exist.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

I shall use my time.

–Jack London

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

“Death and life are in the power of the tongue, And those who love it will eat its fruit” –Proverbs 18:21
Words have the power to motivate or destroy, energize or deflate, inspire, or create despair. Many a successful executive can remember the time their father failed to give affirmation to them as a child. The result was either over achievement to prove their worth, or under achievement to prove he was right.
Many a wife has lost her ability to love because of a critical husband. Many a husband has left a marriage because of words of disrespect and ungratefulness. Stories abound to the power of words. There are just as many stories of those who have encouraged, challenged and comforted with words that made a difference in their life.

Jesus knew the power of words. He used parables to convey his principles of the Kingdom of God. He used words of forgiveness and mercy. He used words to challenge. He used words to inspire His disciples to miraculous faith.
Do your words give life? Do they inspire and challenge others to greatness? Who does God want you to encourage through your words today? Affirm someone close to you today.

LEFTOVERS

THE MISSING PRESIDENT
Imagine what would happen if the President of the United States NEVER made an appearance . . . ever.

Well, that’s not normally the case. American presidential candidates need little encouragement to give a speech, even when they have nothing to say. That’s why it’s nothing short of amazing that America’s third president, Thomas Jefferson, author of the Declaration of Independence made no public appearances or speeches in his eight years in office other than to deliver his inaugural address to Congress. He even submitted his annual State of the Union message in writing. Hardly anyone ever saw the guy. ***MARLAR: Imagine what supermarket tabloid headlines could have done with that: ALIENS ABDUCT PRESIDENT: THREE-BRAINED MONSTER IN JEFFERSON MASK LIVING IN WHITE HOUSE!

LIFE… LIVE IT

LOOKING FOR MR. RIGHT?

Look at his home. Here’s what a man’s home says about him, according to relationship expert Nancilee Wydra:

  • Bar stools are for activities that require alertness. When positioned in the dining area, stools indicate meals are practical affairs meant to handle hunger, not socializing. Men who use stools in this manner are often unwilling to make long-lasting connections.

  • A messy bathroom tabs the homeowner as someone careless about personal hygiene. The bomb-gone-off look links a man to low self-esteem or an inability to nurture others.

  • Bed location offering a clear view of the bedroom door labels the man as a take-charge kind of guy likely to assume the responsibilities of a relationship. On the flip side, sleeping with an obstructed view of the doorway may indicate a fear of assuming responsibility.

  • Kitchen clutter reveals a man’s inability to carry through on good intentions. But a clean, tidy, well-stocked kitchen caters to men who have an easy time expressing their feelings.

  • Pets or Plants portray a man who enjoys life and all living things. He’s a nurturer who’s in tune to the needs of others.

JUST FOR FUN

IRS THIEVES

Hey, it’s another story of how the IRS is ripping people off! This time, people in Minnesota are getting ripped off! You know that $600 check we all received a while back? Minnesotans only got $599.99! The IRS is ripping them off for a penny – those filthy scoundrels!

Be warned: Those IRS computers are fine-tuned. Philip Gallion, a retired Honeywell engineer living in Lake Shore, Minn., received his federal tax rebate recently. He was expecting $600. The check was for $599.99. “I thought maybe I had misread the stories about the refund,” he said. “Maybe there was a sliding scale. But a penny?” A few days later, he received a four-page letter from the IRS explaining that his rebate had been reduced to cover interest he owed on an underpayment of his 2000 taxes. Gallion called a telephone number provided in the letter. “It was the longest recorded message I’ve ever listened to,” he said. “I ate my whole breakfast waiting for a person to talk to.” When a person finally came on the line, she confirmed Gallion’s identity, then looked up his account records. “She said I made a calculation error of 46 cents,” he said. “She said they wrote it off, but the computer can’t write it off, so it generated a letter.” She wasn’t laughing, Gallion said. “It seemed like she had been answering questions like that for a while.”  ***MARLAR: And how much did it cost for them to send the letter?

FUN LIST

YOU MIGHT BE IN RADIO IF… you turn up the radio excitedly at the sound of dead air on your competitor’s station.

YOU MIGHT BE IN RADIO IF… you listen to the radio “invertedly”, turning up the volume during promos, sweepers, and talk sets, and flipping to another station during music.

YOU MIGHT BE IN RADIO IF… you drive around aimlessly looking for an unlit 4 tower array just to see it.

YOU MIGHT BE IN RADIO IF… you swear at the competition while driving when you hear a song they beat you to.

YOU MIGHT BE IN RADIO IF… you’ve ever heard of a “cart” outside of shopping.

YOU MIGHT BE IN RADIO IF… you tell someone you plan to go to lunch “coming up next hour”.

YOU MIGHT BE IN RADIO IF… you have 125 unopened CDs you’ll never listen to but, never more than $3 cash.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

ARE YOU AN AVERAGE AMERICAN GUY?

To be “average” in America is to be a solid citizen, fun-loving, charming and human. That’s the conclusion reached by marketing consultant Kevin O’Keefe, who spent more than a year searching for the ultimate traits of the average American. His results are reported in his book, “The Average American: The Extraordinary Search For The Nation’s Most Ordinary Citizen.” Here are some of the facts and statistics that reportedly mark one as an average “Ordinary Joe”:

  1. Tips the scales at between 135 and 205 pounds.  ***MARLAR: Hey, I’ve ABOVE average!

  2. Is between the ages of 18 and 53

  3. Lives within 20 minutes of a Wal-Mart and 3 miles of a McDonald’s restaurant

  4. Can name the Three Stooges.  ***MARLAR: Careful – there were actually more than three!  In fact, there were a total of SIX!  Check it out: http://www.threestooges.com/.

  5. Scarfs down ice cream once a month

  6. Spends the majority of his time indoors

  7. Resides in an owner-occupied home

  8. Has direct access to one or two automobiles or other motorized vehicles

  9. Routinely wears a seat belt

  10. Goes to church at least once a month

  11. Goes to bed before midnight

  12. Drinks up the milk from his cereal bowl

  13. Makes annual dental visits and uses dental floss on a non-set schedule

  14. Has earned at least a high-school degree

  15. Tosses out 100 pounds of food per year

  16. Has an annual income in the range of $15,000 to $75,000

  17. Spends 48 hours yearly shopping at the mall.  ***MARLAR: I am so BELOW average on this one!

  18. Wears contact lenses or eyeglasses

  19. Goes out to the movies annually

  20. Agrees with the right to bear arms

  21. Has fired a gun

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

SOUL-GLO

(Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Yesterday after the show I had to pick up some stuff from the grocery store for Robin but I forgot the list and left my cell phone at home so I had to use the pay phone outside the grocery store. It was already being used, so I stood to the side and politely waited until it was free, thinking it would only be a couple of minutes. Five minutes went by, and still the man was on the phone. He was just standing there, not saying a word. Two more minutes went by, and he still wasn’t talking. Finally, I tapped him on the shoulder and asked if he was alright. “I’ll be just a second,” he responded, covering the receiver. “I’m talking to my wife.”

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

SEPTEMBER 01, 2017…

Close Encounters Of The Third Kind (1977)—Ok, raise your hand. How many readers have this film of space alien encounters as one of their favorite, favorite films. Not to mention the killer soundtrack by John Williams. This year is the 40th anniversary of the release of  “Close Encounters” so you can see it again on the large screen. Richard Dreyfuss has gone on to other films and screen characters, but he will be remembered for the repairman, Roy, who has an encounter on a country road (remember those lights from behind?), his mashed potato episode and what the word “Mayflower” means. The words of the title come from a classification, developed by J. Allen Hynek,  if you should meet a space alien. Third Kind” means humans actually see the space aliens. Some people may stand and stare, some may run for the hills. Either way, you will have seen “something unusual.” The term “mothership” has also gained credence. The cast included Melinda Dillon, Teri Garr, Bob Balaban, Cary Guffey and Francois Truffaut (yes, he did act here.) “Close Encounters Of The Third Kind” is rated PG 13. Enjoy…and a rating of 4.

Goon: Last Of The Enforcers—Hockey fans out there, here, again, is Seann William Scott in the role of  Doug “The Thug” in the 2011 film, “Goon.” A term used for hockey enforcers, “goon,” is really a bully on ice. Scott reprises the same role in “Goon: Last Of The Enforcers.”  These films are called sports comedies, but be aware of sports violence as they use nefarious techniques to “get” their opponents and to spice up the game for fans. You see the same in wrestling (beware of what is under the ring). In “Goon,” Doug decided to temporarily retire from the game after many penalties. He actually is a nice person, but sometimes slow to catch on to situations. In the 2017 film, Doug is called out of retirement to help his team with a notorious enforcer from another team. Both scripts were co-written by Jay Baruchel, who directed the first film and acts in the second one. The action shots are good and Seann William Scott is a credible action star. Also in the cast are Alison Pill, Liev Schreiber (as Ross “The Boss”, the other “enforcer“), Marc-Andre Grondin, Kim Coates and Eugene Levy. “Goon: Last Of The Enforcers” is rated R. Rating of 3 for fans.

Viceroy’s House (opening in select cities)—This film is a colorful story about India trying to gain independence after WWII.  The word “colonialism” has meaning here. Gillian Anderson (“X-Files”) and Hugh Bonneville (“Downton Abbey”) are the stars. Curinder Chadha is the director. “Viceroy’s House” is rated PG 13. No rating.

I Do…Until I Don’t—This is a film about marriage vows. What if…part of the marriage vow was omitted?  The line about “…till death do us part…”  Hmm. Three couples, one of which is Lake Bell and Ed Helms, are trying to figure this one out.”I Do…Until I Don’t…” is rated PG 13. No rating.

SEPTEMBER 08, 2017…

Home Again stars Reese Witherspoon as a divorcee who goes back home to live with family and finds romance again.

IT is adapted from the Stephen King thriller about a killer clown in a small Maine village. Stars Bill Skarsgard.

Rebel In The Rye is a biopic about the author J. D. Salinger (Nicholas Hoult) and creativity in writing.

9/11 is adapted from a play and concerns people trapped in an elevator during the 9/11 attack. Stars Charlie Sheen.

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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.