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PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20160906
WELCOME TO THE SHOW!
I don’t believe in organized religion, so I joined a disorganized religion. Last Sunday, the preacher overslept and arrived thirty minutes late with no sermon, and then the Ladies’ Auxiliary lost the names of people volunteering for next week’s bake sale. –Chris Lipe
BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY
“Do not sorrow, for the joy of the Lord is your strength.” — Nehemiah 8:10
Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. –James 1:17
The earth is filled with your love, O Lord; teach me your decrees. — Psalm 119:64
Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know. — Jeremiah 33:3
HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT
Jesus straightened up and asked her [the woman caught in adultery], “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?” “No one, sir,” she said. “Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.” — John 8:10-11
Thought: Forgiveness is wonderful if it leads to life change. Jesus came to call us from sin, into his presence, and for his good pleasure. He gave us grace but is also gracious enough to not leave us in sin!
Prayer: O LORD my God, holy in all your ways, please transform my heart and my life into your holy will. Give me the assurance of forgiveness and the courage to leave my sin behind. In Jesus’ name I ask you for your gracious and unlimited power to mold my heart and my life into a clearer reflection of you. Amen.
The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to firstname.lastname@example.org.
“BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY
The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!
Isaiah 9:6 NIV = For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.
TODAY IS TUESDAY – SEPTEMBER 06, 2016
(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 115 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.
CO-ED COLLEGE DAY – In 1837, Oberlin College, Ohio, which had been the first United States college to accept women, became also the first college to grant equal status to both sexes. Mary Hosford, Mary Fletcher Kellogg, Elizabeth Smith Prall, and Caroline Mary Rudd were accepted into regular courses with 30 men, beginning coeducation at the college level.
Today is NATIONAL PLAYER PIANO DAY. ***MARLAR: Does anyone have one of these anymore? Not the electric kind, but the old antique versions?
Today is NATIONAL COFFEE ICE CREAM DAY. ***MARLAR: How can you go wrong combining your two favorite things in the world? In fact, since we have coffee ice cream – shouldn’t we also have ice-cream flavored coffee?
Today is SALAMI DAY. ***MARLAR: If you hear of someone holding a salami celebration today, don’t believe them… it’s bologna.
Today is RENT A MOVIE DAY and READ A BOOK DAY. ***MARLAR: Or watch a few movies that were based on best-selling novels and kill two birds with one stone. And do so while leaning against your player piano eating salami and coffee-flavored ice cream!
TODAY IS ALSO. . .
Be Late For Something Day
Great Bathtub Race
COMING UP NEXT
TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 06
Another Look Unlimited Day
WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 07
Google Commemoration Day
Grandma Moses Day
National Attention Deficit Disorder Awareness Day ***You’d think they could come up with a shorter name for a day dedicated to people with short attention spans.
“Neither Snow Nor Rain” Day
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 08
International Literacy Day
Virgin Mary Day (birthday)
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 09
Wonderful Weirdoes Day
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 10
Farmer’s Consumer Awareness Day
International Drive Your Studebaker Day
National Hollerin’ Day
Swap Ideas Day
SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 11
Libraries Remember Day
Miss America Pageant
National Hug Your Hound Day
Remember Freedom Day
MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 12
National Boss/Employee Exchange Day
Video Games Day
World Maritime Day
TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 13
National Celiac Awareness Day
Roald Dahl Day
ON THIS DAY
1522: One of Ferdinand Magellan’s five ships — the Vittoria — arrived at SanlÃºcar de Barrameda in Spain, thus completing the first rip around the world.
1968: Eric Clapton recorded his guitar solo on the Beatles’ “While My Guitar Gently Weeps.”
1975: While in New York to compete in the U.S. Open, Czech tennis star Martina Navratilova asked for political asylum.
1988: The youngest person ever to swim the English Channel, 11-year-old Thomas Gregory, swam from France to Dover, England, in 12 hours.
1989: Basketball’s Michael Jordan married Juanita Vanoy in Las Vegas. The bride’s 5-carat wedding ring cost $25,000. The groom’s ring cost $15,000.
1990: Canadian singer Paul Anka became a U.S. citizen. While he was being sworn in, police towed away his car.
1991: An electric light glowed for the first time on the Greek island of Delos, the mythical birthplace of Apollo, the god of light. Power arrived on the island via underwater cable from the island of Mykonos.
1992: A 35-year-old man who had received a transplanted baboon liver died at the University of Pittsburgh Medical Center ten weeks after the surgery.
1993: British music lover Helen Stephens was jailed for a week after neighbors complained she played Whitney Houston’s “I Will Always Love You” loudly and constantly for five weeks.
1997: Britain’s Princess Diana was buried in the grounds of her family home. The worldwide TV audience for the funeral ceremonies was estimated at over two billion.
1998: Nebraska Governor Ben Nelson proclaimed milk to be the official state beverage. Since Nebraska’s legislature gave the governor power to make official designations, he named the channel cat as the official state fish and Kool-Aid as the state soft drink.
1999: A Rio de Janeiro court ruled that a clothing store had to pay a 23-year-old female law student “moral damages” of $267 after the teeny weeny red bikini it sold her turned see-through when it got wet.
2003: It was a marriage proposal to remember when the young woman said yes standing on the seawall at Saundersfoot, Wales. Then her lover picked up his girlfriend in a romantic embrace, lost his balance, and both plunged into the mud 20 feet below. “It is a beautiful, romantic spot,” said one of the coastguard members who rescued the couple, “but they were covered completely in mud.”
2003: An Australian man picked up a $2.5 million lottery prize almost a year after winning it. The mechanic in his 40s aid he delayed because he didn’t need the money, that his wages were enough to support his lifestyle. He said, after waiting a year, he finally decided to secure the financial future of his children, pay off his home loan, buy a new car and give some money to the Anti-Cancer Council.
2004: Former President Bill Clinton underwent a successful 4-hour quadruple bypass operation at New York Presbyterian Hospital.
2006: A Swiss driver caught speeding in Canada explained that he had been taking advantage of his ability to drive fast without hitting a goat. The driver was caught traveling 100 mph in a 60 zone in eastern Ontario. The traffic officer’s notes said it was the first time he had ever heard of such an excuse, and he had never found a goat on Ontario highways. Police issued the driver a $330 speeding ticket.
TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY
HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS
Actress (White Men Can’t Jump, It Could Happen To You) Rosie Perez, 52
Comedian/actor (“Blue Collar TV”, “Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader,” and the classic comedy routine, “You might be a redneck if…”) Jeff Foxworthy, 58
Actress (“Saturday Night Live”, “Kate & Allie”, “Third Rock from the Sun”) Jane Curtin, 69 (audio clip)
Actress (“Sisters”) Swoosie Kurtz, 72 (audio clip)
Actress/comedian (“Love American Style”, “Laugh In”) Jo Anne Worley, 79 (audio clip)
(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)
1942 : Dave Bargeron (Blood, Sweat and Tears)
1944 : Roger Waters (Pink Floyd)
1960 : Perry Bamonte (The Cure)
1960 : Sam Cooke’s daughter, Tracy Samie is born.
1969 : CeCe Peniston
1971 : Dolores O’Riordan (The Cranberries)
1974 : Nina Persson (The Cardigans)
1979 : Foxy Brown
SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE
Why don’t figure skaters get nauseous when spinning?
The great figure skaters can make as many as six revolutions per second. Since that would make most of us decorate the ice with our dinner, these folks must know something that we don’t. Indeed, they do. Skating instructors can teach even amateurs not to get dizzy in a spin, but they must have apt pupils. Actually it’s the pupils who must have apt pupils because the trick is in the eyes. Dizziness results from rapid eye movement as skaters focus on objects flying by. The trick is to keep the eyes still by imagining a fixed blurred line and focusing on it. I tried that once and imagined a buffet table. It didn’t work.
CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS
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Paul Baloche is asking for your prayers. His New York friend and drummer on his Your Mercy project was injured in a serious bike accident last week, breaking both his clavicle and his pelvis. Paul posted: Pray for quick recovery and strength.
Mercyme’s Mike Scheuchzer was celebrating this week. He posted a picture confirming that he had out driven Jeremy Camp on the golf course. However, Mike admitted that it only happened once and Jeremy added that he had a handicap. He said: I didn’t have my own driver. https://www.instagram.com/p/BJ6H7C-j2CA/
Jamie Grace says she is selling some of her guitars and keyboards. She posted: my parents told me it had to leave their garage. Included are several key boards, an electric guitar, and an acoustic guitar. https://reverb.com/shop/jamie-gs-gear-outlet
Unspoken is introducing Don, their keyboard player. They posted: His favorite verse is Luke 6:38, he loves all things vintage keys and even has a “modest” collection of over 50 vintage pianos and keyboards), and lives off candy and coffee! Travel must haves? Gum. Mints. Altoids… and, of course, candy. Don used to play keys for the JJ Weeks Band and toured the world with L.A. based Elvis impersonator Scot Bruce. https://www.instagram.com/p/BJ3SuxKgm3K/
Switchfoot and Relient K may need to invest in a bigger bus when they leave on tour in a few weeks. Front men John and Matt recorded a video as they discussed their packing list this week. They said they plan to only pack the essentials but there are a LOT of essentials. The Looking for American Tour kicks off September 17 with stops in Houston, Denver, and Kansas City the first weekend. http://switchfoot.com/what-should-i-pack-for-tour/
7eventh Time Down front man Mikey Howard recently recorded a video for Teen Challenge. As part of the minute long clip, Mikey talks about the devastating affects of drug and alcohol abuse that he saw while growing up in a small town in Kentucky. Mikey said there is hope and release found in Jesus Christ. https://twitter.com/tcusa/status/768494333016223744
Britt Nicole now has a date for her new album. Britt announced this week that her self titled CD will be available on October 7th. In an exclusive interview with People.com, Britt said she is baring her soul on the new project. She said there are songs about her marriage, her friends and her faith on the record, adding “It is a true representation of who I am.” http://smarturl.it/BrittPeople
CCM Magazine is giving you the chance to win a VIP Experience to the 47th Annual GMA Dove Awards in Nashville on Tuesday, October 11th! Officials say one winner and a guest will receive a prize pack that includes travel, hotel, Dove Awards tickets PLUS special access, artist performances, red carpet photos, dinner and more. Sign up at http://www.ccmmagazine.com/dovevip.
The DeVevo house undergoing a major makeover. Casting Crown members Jaun and Melodee Devevo pictures as the railing and posts holding up the roof over their front porch started to come down. Melodee said the work was needed due to damage caused by carpenter bees and woodpeckers. However, she added: really just using that as an excuse.
Aaron Shust shared a family update this week. You may remember Aaron announcing that his youngest son, Michael, was diagnosed with epilepsy several months ago. This week Aaron said they had to shave Michael’s entire head after he developed a type of hair loss that occurs when your immune system mistakenly attacks hair follicles. However, Aaron added: our bald angel is just as joyful as ever, even if his epilepsy medicine was supposed to make him mean and aggressive. Thank you, Jesus!
(No news on the weekends. As on ONAIRprep subscriber, you can get a fully-produced, customized version of the Daily Dose of Weird News FREE with a station or show specific tag! Email email@example.com for details!)
NEW NEWS KICKERS…
According to a study, more education may lead to more headaches. People with graduate degrees seem to get more headaches than those with college degrees. High school grads get the fewest headaches. ***But mom, I can’t go to college… it’s not good for my health!
A retired New Jersey police officer is being hailed a hero after he saved a 4-month-old baby trapped inside a sweltering parked car by bashing a window open with a sledgehammer. Steven Eckel said the baby girl was in distress Monday when he and another woman spotted her screaming in the backseat of a car in a shopping center’s parking lot. Eckel said he ran to his car in his flip-flops to fetch a sledgehammer he had in the trunk. The retired cop then raced the baby into a nearby store and began wetting her body with water to cool her down. ***I say give this officer the baby to keep – obviously the kid’s mom has no business having children.
Colin Kaepernick kneeled during the singing of the national anthem Thursday night, continuing his protest before the San Francisco 49ers’ preseason finale at San Diego. *** He began by sitting, now he’s kneeling… by this time next week he’ll be face-down in the astroturf.
Chris Brown has been fired from 50 Cent’s show “Power” because of fears about Brown’s anger issues. *** Pot… meet kettle.
NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…
One hateful Facebook comment might reduce you to tears, but a recent study found that the “likes” you get might also have a negative impact, especially on your waistline and pocketbook. Researchers (Columbia Business School professor Keith Wilcox and University of Pittsburgh business professor Andrew Stephen) studied people who use Facebook and found that the more likes and self-affirming comments they got, the more likely they were to reach for a cookie over a granola bar. ***MARLAR: Well duh… we’re celebrating people liking our comments!
If your toothbrush fell in the toilet, would you throw it away or rinse it off and continue using it? Well, get this, 9% of men said they would fish the toothbrush out of the toilet and use it again, according to a survey by dental products manufacturer Philips Sonicare. In addition, almost half of all adults said that if their toothbrush fell on the floor, they would use it again — even though they acknowledged that their bathroom floor is the dirtiest floor in the house. ***MARLAR: That all sounds gross, but if you think about it isn’t toothpaste nothing more than soap in a tube for your teeth? If so, you’re washing it every time you use your toothbrush anywhere – regardless of where it was eight seconds earlier.
A survey discovered that a quarter of us would turn off our TV for an entire month if it meant having no bills for that month. ***MARLAR: Well, I guess that would eliminate the need to even have a Comcast or Netflix bill right there, wouldn’t it?
Apparently we’re looking for just about any excuse we can find to say that being fat isn’t our own fault. Now it’s Mom’s fault because she had a job. Childhood obesity has been steadily rising the past 30 years, and this new study from American University in Washington, D.C. has found that a child’s weight may depend on how much their mothers were away at work while growing up. The research team studied body mass index (BMI) data & found that the total number of years that mothers were employed away from home had a cumulative influence on their children’s rising BMI. Over time, a higher than average BMI can lead to obesity in adulthood. ***MARLAR: Seriously? So I’m a big fat slob because my mother decided to get a job to provide for the family? If she hadn’t, what then? We’d have less food, and again it’d be Mom’s fault that I’m malnourished. Sorry, Mom – you lose either way.
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Wonder Woman” (Same as yesterday due to the Labor Day holiday.)
DAILY COMEDY CLIP
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Bob Smiley, “Pregnant” (Same as yesterday due to the Labor Day holiday.)
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TUESDAY’S EPISODE (Same as yesterday due to the Labor Day holiday.)
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle island of Razzleflabbin, Marvy Snuffelson had washed ashore after being sent to his room for not playing with a new kid in the neighborhood. He’s already met some strange birds – Beach Birds – on the island, and he’s just met some giant hairy creatures, called Razzleflabbins!
CLOSE: Okay – so we know why Marvy was sent to his room, and we know that the Razzleflabbins are friendly and want to make friend with everyone, but how does ANY of this help Marvy get back to his room? Tune in next time, As the Jungle Turns!
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF SEPTEMBER 10/11
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, we found out the Plaid Guy – who all the Razzleflabbins had been terrified of for years, was actually a really nice guy! So nice, in fact, that the Razzleflabbins invited him to the barbecue and to the next day’s busy day of playing and singing!
CLOSE: Tune in again next time for another inspiringly inspiring inspiration story from the never-ending deep-jungle soap-opera saga that is, As the Jungle Turns!
***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.
MOMENT OF DUH
Smoking in a restaurant is not just bad for you, it might also get you arrested!
Six police cars in Brazil raced to a Rio de Janeiro restaurant after police received a complaint from a restaurant patron that a man, smoking a cigar, was refusing to put out his cigar. The Justice Department is investigating why so many police showed up… and why they were called in the first place, seeing as the man was actually sitting in the smoking section.
TOP TEN FOOTBALL DEFINITIONS THAT APPLY TO CHURCH
- Quarterback Sneak – Church members quietly leaving during the invitation.
- Draw Play – What many children do with the bulletin during worship.
- Halftime – The period between Sunday School and worship when many choose to leave
- Benchwarmer – Those who do not sing, pray, work, or apparently do anything but sit.
- Backfield-in-Motion – Making a trip to the back (restroom or water fountain) during the service.
- Staying in the Pocket – What happens to a lot of money that should be given to the Lord’s work.
- Two-minute Warning – The point at which you realize the sermon is almost over and begin to gather up your children and belongings.
- Trap – You’re called on to pray and are asleep.
- Halfback Option – The decision of 50% of the congregation not to return for the evening service.
- Blitz – The rush for the restaurants following the closing prayer.
THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER
While paying a parking ticket, a man gets two more!
FILE #1: An Italian motorist was fined twice by traffic wardens while he left his car briefly to pay previous parking tickets. Diego De Carli, from Trenton, found a ticket for illegal parking slapped on his windscreen as he came out of the traffic wardens’ office. He took the notice back inside and asked the wardens to waive it but they refused. As he came out of the office again he found a second parking ticket on his car. Diego said, “When I went in the warden’s office with the second fine they broke out in hysterical laughter.” Diego added that the officials had told him they would probably not make him pay the second fine.
FILE #2: Catherine Mitchell, who worked at an army base restaurant, wanted an afternoon off. And since she didn’t have any time off coming to her she hatched the ultimate idiot vacation plan. She planted a cardboard box wrapped in duct tape underneath a table at the bar and then alerted a soldier to the suspicious package. He called the authorities and that’s when things got a little out of hand. Not only was the restaurant shut down, but approximately 1000 people from nearby homes and businesses were evacuated and a bomb disposal unit was called in. All because Catherine didn’t want to work that afternoon. She won’t have any afternoons off for a while. The judge sentenced her to 160 hours of community service.
FILE #3: Richard S. Markey, convicted in Hartford, Connecticut., of defrauding investors of $4.8 million, wrote U.S. marshals in April that he thought he had presented a strong case for his innocence and that therefore he wouldn’t be reporting to prison as scheduled on May 2, but rather was going to a relative’s place near Syracuse, N.Y., and that if he didn’t hear anything more from the marshals, he would consider the case closed. He did hear from them; they looked him up and re-arrested him. During his trial, Markey had described himself not as a “person” subject to the laws of the U.S., but as a “sovereign,” and besides, he claimed the charges had to be dismissed because the prosecutor had spelled his name in all-capitals on the indictment.
STRANGE LAW: In California it is illegal to set a mousetrap without a hunting license. (Is it any surprise we’re talking about California, here?)
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS
In Granbury, Texas, Thomas Parsons was angry because a couple of his friends had been arrested on drug possession charges.
And the longer he thought about it, the madder he became. Finally he decided to drive down to the city hall to give the police chief a piece of his mind. That’s when the trouble started. First, when attempting to park, he drove over the curb, breaking the sprinkler system and destroying several shrubs in the process. Then, when he entered the building, he was making such a fuss that the officers decided to give him a breathalyzer test. Yep. He was drunk. And a check of his car found marijuana and drug paraphernalia. He joined his friends in jail.
Today is NATIONAL PLAYER PIANO DAY. ***MARLAR: Does anyone have one of these anymore? Not the electric kind, but the old antique versions? Grab your cell phone and call in to let us hear it!
BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!
QUESTION: Who knew that by following God’s orders, he could take Jericho?
ANSWER: Joshua (Joshua 6:1-16)
QUESTION: As of 2009, how many fictional characters had stars on the Walk of Fame? (And for extra points – what characters were they?)
ANSWER: Seven… Kermit the Frog, Lassie, Rin Tin Tin, Mickey Mouse, Bugs Bunny, Woody Woodpecker and Snow White
TRUE OR FALSE
Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!
1. Olive trees may live to be 1500 years old. (True, the average life span is about 500 years)
2. The oldest American packaged food is peas. (False – it’s Philadelphia brand cream cheese; it went on sale in its protective wrapper in 1885.)
3. Bananas contains a natural chemical which can make a person happy. (True. This same chemical is found in Prozac.)
4. The small intestine is two feet long. (False – it’s 22 feet long)
5. The state of Maine produces almost all of USA’s wild blueberries. (True)
6. Another word for hiccups is “singultus.” (True)
7. A honey bee strokes its wings about 1,500 times a minute. (False – 11,500 times per minute)
8. Canada has more inland waters and lakes than any other country in the world. (True)
9. The human face is made up of 14 bones. (True)
10. Bette Davis was born Ruth Davis. (True. Ruth Elizabeth Davis was born in Lowell, Massachusetts, on April 5, 1908)
TABLOID MATCH GAME
You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!
SPACE ________ OPEN FOR BOOKINGS (HOTEL)
Book your hotel room in outer space. You’ll have to wait to 2016, but it’ll be worth it.
The age of space tourism might be closer than you think. In fact, if you have an extra $1 million lying around, five years from now you could be one of the first off-world adventurers to stay for five days in this orbiting hotel built by Russian company Orbital Technologies.
You’ll get there via a Russian Soyuz rocket, taking you about a day to reach the Commercial Space Station 217 miles above the earth. Once you catch up to the orbiting abode, you’ll settle in with your comrades — up to six other space tourists (or researchers) — for an unparalleled adventure, residing in four cabins aboard the space station.
While you’re traveling at 17,500 miles per hour in low earth orbit, you’ll be pampered with all the spacely amenities you can imagine, such as plenty of gourmet foods, a specially designed sealed shower, your choice of a vertical or horizontal bed (does it really matter in the microgravity of space?), and you might even get to sip some Tang spiked with your favorite vodka (okay, we made that last one up — unfortunately, alcohol will not be available).
Perhaps the best feature of the Commercial Space Station will be its large portholes, which will probably occupy most of your time as you gaze out into the cosmos and down at the earth below.
THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY
A man went on a ski trip, and was knocked unconscious by the chair lift. He called his insurance company from the hospital, but it refused to cover his injury. “Why is the injury not covered?” he asked.
“You got hit in the head by a chair lift,” the insurance rep said. “That makes you an idiot, and we consider that a pre-existing condition.”
A man traveling through the country stopped at a small roadside fruit stand and bought some apples. When he mentioned they were awfully small, the farmer replied, “Yup.”
The man took a bite of one of the apples and exclaimed, “Not very flavorful, either.”
“That’s right,” said the farmer. “Lucky they’re small, ain’t it?”
The frugal man walked into the house panting and almost completely exhausted.
“What happened, Honey?” asked his wife.
“It’s a great new idea I have,” he gasped. “I ran all the way home behind the bus and saved 50 cents.”
“That wasn’t to smart,” replied his wife. “Why didn’t you run behind a taxi and save five dollars?”
The average human body is covered with 20 square feet of skin. ***The hard part is getting all of those squares to fit together correctly.
Experts say kissing a child’s boo boo really does make it better. The child believes the pain will stop and that triggers the release of pain killing endorphins. ***MARLAR: I’m trying to get my mom to kiss my electric bill.
Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.
“I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE… I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO… I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR…”
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, “Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn’t deaf.”
To which the little brother replied, “No, but Gramma is!”
IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!
PEDESTRIAN POLICE OFFICERS
Police officers in Chicago went undercover as pedestrians – to bust people for a very specific driving violation.
An unusual undercover operation, Chicago police posed as pedestrians while fellow officers waited for drivers to fly by in violation of a law that requires motorists to yield at crosswalks, even if there is no stop sign. Thanks to Officer Grace Delgado, police stopped 78 vehicles in just two hours. That number could have easily been doubled, but police stopped only drivers who kept moving after Delgado had walked four or five feet into the road. Nearly 4,800 pedestrians were killed and 61,000 injured across the country in 2006, according to the most recent numbers by the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration.
THE STORY OF YOUR LIFE…
Don’t say you’re not important,
It simply isn’t true,
The fact that you were born,
Is proof God has a plan for you.
The path may seem unclear right now,
But one day you will see
That all that came before,
Was truly meant to be.
God wrote the book that is your life,
That’s all you need to know.
Each day that you are living,
Was written long ago.
God only writes best sellers,
So be proud of who you are.
Your character is important,
In this book you are the “Star”.
Enjoy the novel as it reads,
It will stand throughout the ages.
Savor each chapter as you go,
Taking time to turn the pages.
–By Wanda Mitchell
DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL
When You’re Unappreciated
Read: 1 Samuel 12:16-25
Far be it from me that I should sin against the Lord in ceasing to pray for you. –1 Samuel 12:23
Samuel was a Mount Everest personality who appeared when the historical landscape was monotonously flat. As God’s prophet, he judged the people. Since Israel was a theocracy (ruled by God), Samuel was virtually a king. He discharged his duties with skill and dedication to both God and the people.
But the people wanted a king such as the pagan nations around them had (1 Sam. 8:5). So they asked the man of God to step aside. Samuel was hurt by their rejection. He understood the scope of their disobedience (12:17-19).
The prophet could have turned his back on the new king and his rebellious people. Instead he declared, “Far be it from me that I should sin against the Lord in ceasing to pray for you” (v.23).
Why did Samuel say that? He knew that even as doors were being slammed in his face, another door was open to him–the door of intercessory prayer. Samuel demonstrated his godliness by the way he reacted. He was still God’s man, and he would still care for God’s people.
When we are snubbed by those we try to serve, we must resolve not to sin against the Lord by snubbing them in return. Instead, by God’s grace, we can pray sincerely for those who may not value our best efforts.
SAFETY AT THE SCHOOL BUS STOP:
Always walk to the bus stop. Never run. Walk facing traffic.
Have your child wait in a safe area away from traffic and the road.
Stay away from the bus until it comes to a complete stop and the driver signals for your child to board. Watch for red flashing lights and the stop sign to be extended. And cross ONLY when all traffic has stopped. Look left, right, and left again before crossing.
When being dropped off, have your child take ten giant steps away from the bus, remember that the bus driver can see your child better when they move away from the bus.
Have your child always use the handrail when entering or exiting the bus and have them always remain seated until the bus stops.
If you leave something on the bus, never return to the bus to get it. The bus driver may not see you come back and they may begin moving the bus. Also, if you drop something near the bus, tell the bus driver before you attempt to pick it up so they will know where you are.
Be aware of traffic on the roadway. Drivers are required to stop for all legal school buses, however, not all do. Have your child watch carefully before crossing the roadway. Remember in rural areas the speed limit is greater and thus more difficult for a driver to stop quickly.
LIFE… LIVE IT
Want to avoid eating junk food? Picture yourself eating it!
One way to avoid gorging on your favorite junk food may be to picture yourself eating it, one delicious bite at a time, according to a new study. Though it may sound counterintuitive, the study showed those who imagined themselves eating chocolate, bite after bite, ate less of the sweet treat when given the opportunity to actually chow down than did those who pictured themselves engaged in some other repetitive task, the researchers said. The findings go against the previously held assumption that daydreaming about something desirable (such as food) increases cravings and boosts consumption.
JUST FOR FUN
AND DOWN WILL COME BABY…
A baby falls 40 feet onto a concrete parking lot… but is completely unharmed!
In Rochester, England, 18-month-old Sabrina Taplin crawled to a window ledge of her parent’s third floor apartment and fell 40 feet to the concrete parking lot below. Amazingly she escaped with only minor cuts and bruises! Authorities say it was her diaper that helped her survive the fall. She landed on her rear end, and the diaper was so padded, it absorbed the shock and exploded on impact.
JUST THINK ABOUT THIS
We waste time, so you don’t have to.
hat do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.
The world’s full of apathy, but I don’t care.
There’s no such thing as non-existence.
There’s no future in time travel.
There are two rules for ultimate success in life. 1. Never tell everything you know.
There is no substitute for genuine lack of preparation.
There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.
MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…
Hey guys, want to make more money? Then take a lesson from billionaire Ted Turner and grow a mustache.
But just don’t count on keeping the extra moolah. A new study reveals that your school career counselors were all wrong when they told you to show up for job interviews with a good, clean shave. Men who sport mustaches are not only more likely to get hired at job interviews but they’re also more likely to command bigger paychecks, says the study performed by Quicken and the American Mustache Institute. Mustachioed men make 4.3 percent more than clean shaven guys and 8.2 percent more than bearded gents, say pollsters. But then there’s the matter of keeping the extra cash the survey shows men with mustaches spend 11 percent more and save 3 percent less than the combined average of bearded and clean shaven fellows. (National Examiner)
OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP
A server’s simple act of compassion went a long way this week. According to Mashable.com, Kasey Simmons, who works at a Dallas-area Applebee’s restaurant, was waiting in a grocery store checkout line last Monday when he noticed another patron — an older woman — looking dejected. So Simmons chatted with the woman. When she reached the register, he even paid for her groceries. But Simmons had no idea just how grateful the woman was. The next day, her daughter visited Simmons’ workplace — and left a $500 tip on a $0.37 bill. In a letter written on a restaurant napkin, the daughter explained that the day at the grocery store was a hard one for her mother: it marked the third anniversary of her husband’s death. She wrote “you made her year.” http://on.mash.to/2bY8LW9
How can a printer save someone’s life? Doctors at a hospital in Gainesville, Florida, recently separated conjoined twin girls with the help of 3-D printing. According to Yahoo News, the twins, Scarlett and Savannah, each had their own complete set of organs but were attached at the liver, diaphragm, sternum and heart. To help the doctors prepare for the risky procedure, they created what they believe is the first-ever 3-D printed conjoined twin heart. The life-sized model allowed surgeons to examine the twins’ shared structures in the heart and practice the surgical separation itself. http://abcn.ws/2bLMoIy
After a student’s recent suicide left Mason High School in Ohio reeling, five teen girls left encouraging notes on thousands of lockers as a way to start healing. According to ABC News, The campaign was initiated by a MHS sophomore, who said she and her friends spent nearly eight hours writing messages like “You are strong” and “You are unbreakable” on thousands of Post-it notes. She said that the girls placed the sticky notes on over 3,600 of the high school’s lockers. They also placed notes on teachers’ doors and administrative staff members’ desks. http://abcn.ws/2bIUIrm
iMom is launching a 30 Day Pillow Talk Challenge. The organization focused on helping and encouraging moms says bedtime is an excellent time for moms to really connect with their children. In response, they have released a printable list of 30 questions you can ask your kids as they are settling into their bed for the night. Find out more about the 30 Day Pillow Talk Challenge at http://bit.ly/2bvbFDX.
AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT
And remember, you only go around once in life. Unless, of course, you’re one of those folks who likes to hang from your ceiling fan. –HaLife
THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER
Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).
SEPTEMBER 02, 2016…
(New Opening Date) Equity—Anna Gunn wants to get a job in a top-notch investment film, but finds back-stabbing and bad investments, instead. Things start to happen when she starts looking at the workings of the corporation. Also in the cast is Alysia Reiner. “Equity” is rated PG 13. No rating.
The 9th Life Of Louis Drax—This is an unusual thriller about a child (Aiden Longworth) who keeps having accidents and the doctor (Jamie Dorman from “Shades of Gray”) who tries to help him. Also in the cast are Oliver Platt and Molly Parker. “The 9th Life of Louis Drax” is rated PG 13. No rating.
The Light Between Oceans—Based on the novel by M. L. Stedman, this plot concerns an Australian lighthouse keeper (Michael Fassbinder) and his wife (Alicia Vikander) who find a stranded baby on the beach and adopt her. Years later, another woman, Rachel Weisz, enters their life. “The Light Between Oceans “ (bring hankie) is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.
SEPTEMBER 09, 2016…
When The Bough Breaks is about what goes wrong when a couple contact a surrogate mother. Stars Morris Chestnut.
Sully has Tom Hanks as the famous airline pilot who brought his plane down in the Hudson River and made international headlines.
Before I Wake is a supernatural film about a little boy who is afraid to fall asleep. Stars Jacob Tremblay and Kate Bosworth.
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