September 08, 2016: Thursday ONAIRprep

***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS – FREE TO AIR! (Receive a free customized version specifically for your station or show! Contact me with your ONAIRprep username for details!)

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AND NOW… ON WITH THE SHOW!

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20160908

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

And a reminder… you must be at least this tall to listen to my show.

There are two kinds of Saturday morning people: those who sleep in, and those who get up early to mow the lawn.  We would have instant world peace if someone would invent a stealth lawnmower.

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might.” –Ecclesiastes 9:10

Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body. –Ephesians 4:25

“You are no longer foreigners and aliens, but fellow citizens with God’s people and members of God’s household.” — Ephesians 2:19

Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom. — Psalm 90:12

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. — Romans 8:18

Thought: “Life is hard. Anyone who tells you differently is trying to sell you something.” This line from the movie “The Princess Bride” is poignantly accurate. But it is not eternally accurate! Better days are ahead, and they are better than anything we can dare imagine. As the old song says, “O that will be, glory for me … when by Thy grace I shall look on His face, that will be glory …”

Prayer: Please, Almighty God, give me the courage and the vision to anticipate from afar the ultimate realization of grace that you have waiting for me and to truly believe that you are working to bring me home to you, and to that glory. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

2 Corinthians 9:8 NIV = And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work.

TODAY IS THURSDAY – SEPTEMBER 08, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 1
13 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is NATIONAL BOSS/EMPLOYEE EXCHANGE DAY, a day for bosses and employees to share each other’s points of view for a day.  ***MARLAR: I can’t afford to change places with my boss – he’ll see how easy a job this is and assign it to an intern!

Today is INTERNATIONAL LITERRACY DAY, sponsored by the United Nations.  ***MARLAR: Wait a minute… is literacy really spelled with two “R”s? It’s spelled with two “R”s here…

Today is NATIONAL DATE NUT BREAD DAY.  ***MARLAR: Not to be confused with National Date A Nut Day, which may be more fun, but isn’t as good of a source of whole grain and fiber.

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

International Literacy Day

National Ampersand Day

Pardon Day

Pediatric Hematology/Oncology Nurses Day

Virgin Mary Day (birthday)

World Physical Therapy Day

COMING UP NEXT

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 09

Care Bears Share Your Care Day

International Buy a Priest a Beer Day

Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders Day

Opposite Day

Wonderful Weirdoes Day

Banana Day

Stand Up To Cancer Day

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 10

Farmer’s Consumer Awareness Day

International Drive Your Studebaker Day

National Day of Remembrance for Aborted Children

National Hollerin’ Day

National Iguana Awareness Day

Prairie Day

Swap Ideas Day

Suicide Prevention Day

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 11

Pet Rock Day

Grandparents’ Day

Libraries Remember Day

Miss America Pageant

National Day of Service and Remembrance

National Hug Your Hound Day

Patriot Day

Remember Freedom Day

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 12

Day for South-South Cooperation

National Boss/Employee Exchange Day

National Programmers Day

Video Games Day

World Maritime Day

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 13

Kids Take Over The Kitchen Day

National Celiac Awareness Day

National Peanut Day

Roald Dahl Day

Scooby-Doo Day

National Pet Memorial Day

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 14

National Kreme Filled Donut Day

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 15

8-Track Tape Day

Felt Hat Day

Google.com Day

Greenpeace Day

International Day of Democracy

International Dot Day

National Cheese Toast Day

RAINN Day (Rape Abuse Incest National Network)

ON THIS DAY

1565: Don Pedro Menendez de Aviles of Spain landed in Florida and established the first permanent settlement of Europeans in North America, eventually to be called St. Augustine.

1922: At the second Miss America pageant, 16-year-old Mary Campbell of Columbus, Ohio, won the title. She won it again the following year, the only Miss America to serve two consecutive years.

1935: At age 19, singer Frank Sinatra launched his career with a group called The Hoboken Four on the Major Bowes Amateur Hour radio talent show.

1962: “Monster Mash” by Bobby “Boris” Pickett and the Crypt Kickers entered the music charts. No record company would touch the song, so Bobby pressed a thousand copies on his own label and sent them to key radio stations. It hit #1 and still plays every Halloween.

1965: In a game against the California Angels, Kansas City’s Bert Campaneris played a different position every inning, becoming the first major-leaguer to play all nine positions in a game. Catching in the 9th, he was injured trying to block the plate from runner Ed Kirkpatrick.

1966: Thursday night at 8:30 “Star Trek” debuted on NBC-TV with an episode entitled “The Man Trap.” The series was rated at #52 for the 1966-67 season, finishing behind “Iron Horse” and “Mr. Terrific.” After even worse ratings in 1968, it was canceled on September 2, 1969. (audio clip)

1986: The Oprah Winfrey Show debuted on television.

1991: At their annual convention in Gweru, some 200 Zimbabwe medicine men accused international drug companies of stealing their formulas for ancient herbal remedies, making pills from them, and selling them for huge profits.

1994: Newlyweds Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley appeared on the MTV awards show.

1998: A man stole a 25-ton armored rocket launcher from a military base in Norway and went for a joy ride around the town of Setermoen before police arrested him. The man, dressed in a sergeant’s uniform, drove around for several hours, but no one was hurt.

1998: Mark McGwire of the St. Louis Cardinals hit his 62nd home run of the season, breaking a record that had stood for 37 years by Roger Maris. McGwire would eventually reach 70 home runs on September 27.

1999: A 37-year-old vodka-drinking, fire-breathing woman danced topless on an electrical tower beside a Seattle freeway bridge, snarling rush-hour traffic for over an hour. The light company cut power, leaving 5,000 customers without electricity. Police finally talked her down, halter-topped her, and arrested her.

2001: A Houston man finally was able to reach his cell phone and call for help after three days wedged in a storm sewer drain. Kevin Funchess fell into an open manhole at night crossing a street to pick up fried chicken at a restaurant. He was only three feet below the street, but no one heard his calls for help.

2003: The Recording Industry Association of America filed 261 copyright lawsuits across the country against Internet users for trading songs online.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

(None today)

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actor (“Home Improvement”, voice of young Simba in The Lion King) Jonathan Taylor Thomas 35 (audio clip)
  • actor (Elliot in E.T.: The Extra Terrestrial, Legends of the Fall, Gangs of New York) Henry Thomas 45
  • actor (the Scream movies, The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lava Girl, Eight-Legged Freaks) David Arquette 45
  • actress (“T.J. Hooker”, “Melrose Place”, “Spin City”, Firestarter) Heather Thomas 57 (audio clip)

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1841 : Antonin Dvorak

1932 : Patsy Cline

1934 : Bill Parsons

1942 : Brian Cole (The Association)

1945 : Cathy Jean Giordano

1945 : Kelly Groucutt (Electric Light Orchestra)

1946 : Dean Daughtry (Atlanta Rhythm Section)

1947 : Ben Orr (The Cars)

1958 : David Lewis (Atlantic Starr)

1960 : David Steele (Fine Young Cannibals)

1960 : Aimee Mann

1979 : Pink

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

What animal is immune to rattlesnake bites?

Most animals go out of their way to avoid rattlesnakes, since their venom is strong enough to kill even large creatures. But the California ground squirrel (Otospermophilus beecheyi) has quite a different strategy for dealing with the venomous predator. If a rattlesnake is seen anywhere near a ground squirrel nest, the squirrels immediately mount an offensive campaign. They rush in and out, kicking sand at the snake, even biting it if they can. A snake might be buried in dirt and pebbles, or even killed by the feisty squirrels. The adult squirrels are partly immune to rattlesnake venom. A squirrel that is bitten by the snake during the fight usually suffers no long-term damage. Young squirrels are not quite so immune, so they tend to stay out of the fray.

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE! Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

David Bartholomew: “If life gives you lemons make lemonade. If life gives you melons – you’re dyslexic.”

The Hillsong Movie is scheduled to be in theaters on September 16. This week members of the band posted: Can’t find a theater near you? No worries! 200+ theaters will be added before opening day! The documentary spotlights Hillsong UNITED’s journey from a youth group band at Hillsong Church to a band recognized worldwide.

http://theaters.hillsongmovie.com

Jonny Diaz has been watching the show fixer upper this week and he posted: Ready to see your fixer upper?! Well, unfortunately, we spent most of the budget on this giant picture of what your house used to look like!

Another vlog is now up from Hawk Nelson’s Jon Steingard. From global warming to meeting Jon’s twin, this vlog has it all. https://youtu.be/atAdVjwHaBY

Jeremy Camp is giving away the guitar he used on his tour of Japan. As part of Jeremy’s I Will Follow Tour Giveaway Contest, Jeremy is giving away the Yamaha Acoustic guitar as well as tickets to one of his shows. Enter online. http://www.jeremycamp.com/touring

Colton Dixon isn’t the only singer in the Dixon family. Colton announced this week that his sister Schyler Dixon has released her first EP. The six song project is titled Enough. And Colton says she even let him help out with one song. Colton joins Schyler on Let Me Down.

https://itun.es/us/2oFDeb

Jamie Grace does not like junk food. When asked this week what type of birthday cake she would like, Jamie responded: I just prefer extra pizza. While pizza may also be defined as junk food, Jamie quickly added that she also had already eaten five cups of kale that day. She said she really is a health nut.

A special anniversary this this week for Casting Crowns Mark and Melanie Hall. It’s been 15 years since they started working with the Student Ministry department at their home church. Fellow crowns member Jaun Devevo posted: 15 years. Can’t believe we started doing youth ministry when we were only teenagers.

Congratulations to Sidewalk Prophets front man Dave Frey. He posted a picture side by side with his girl friend, Harmony Welsh, and she was showing off a sparkling diamond ring. Dave posted: excited to live the rest of my life with this amazing woman. Let the celebration begin. We are engaged!

https://www.instagram.com/p/BJ-wRQDg3Jq/

Casting Crowns Jaun Devevo needs some help. He posted: I need a training program to help me proofread my tweets before sanding them.

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. As on ONAIRprep subscriber, you can get a fully-produced, customized version of the Daily Dose of Weird News FREE with a station or show specific tag! Email darren@onairprep.com for details!)

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

This summer, France made a big, bold step to combat email addiction. It’s actually illegal to work on email on weekends if your company has over 50 employees.  ***Can we please bring this to the United States?  Pleeeeeease?

A University of Pittsburgh student took a date to the rooftop and tried to impress her by leaping from one rooftop to the other. He misjudged and became wedged between two buildings.  ***If that guy’s date is smart, that will be her last date with him.  You don’t need to be marrying a man with this mentality.

Ramen noodles are becoming an increasingly valuable commodity in U.S. prisons—where they are even more popular than tobacco. According to research, the decline in food quality and quantity in prisons due to cost-cutting measures has caused the instant soup’s popularity to soar among inmates.  *** And you thought Michelle Obama only cared about school lunches!

A new CNN poll has Donald Trump ahead of Hillary Clinton in their race to the White House by 45 to 43%.  *** And this is being reported by the Clinton News Network… so you know it’s probably even worse for Hillary!

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

Scientists have created a pill to treat phobias. ***MARLAR: It’s effective for everything except the fear of taking pills.

According to a report by Netpop Research, women and young people are the most active users of social media today, and women in their 30s make up more than half of heavy contributors — that is, they engage in six or more social media activities.  ***MARLAR: So apparently women and teenagers talk more – no matter what method they use.

Roughly two-thirds of women complain of forgetfulness or “brain fog” during menopause. Now two new studies add to the growing body of research suggesting that cognitive decline and memory problems associated with menopause are real and may be linked to fluctuating levels of hormones in the brain.  ***MARLAR: So, what about us men?  Can we have an excuse too?  Please?  I could really use one.

 The battery of the future could be made from paper. You’ll be able to cut it into pieces, crunch it into a ball, roll it up into a tube or any other shape required to power the ever growing array of electronic devices that are hitting the market at light speed. The new battery consists of paper that’s been infused with an electrolyte substance and microscopic carbon nanotubles that form electrodes. Current flows from one side of the paper to the other. Even more amazing, the paper battery also functions as a capacitor, a device that stores electricity, so you’ll be able to charge it, wad it up and stick it in your pocket and stuff it into your cell phone whenever and wherever you need. ***MARLAR: And spit-wads would suddenly become deadly electro-magnetic weapons.

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Semi-Conductors”

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Daren Streblow, “Hotel Pools”

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THURSDAY’S EPISODE


OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle island of Razzleflabbin, Marvy Snuffleson was meeting all of the Razzleflabbins for the first time, and they were telling him how they accept everyone they meet… without exception. Everyone is welcome, everyone is considered a friend, well… except for that one Razzleflabbin…

CLOSE: What will happen to Marvy? Will the Plaid Guy put an end to Razzleflabbin Island forever? And does the Plaid Guy have a second cousin twice-removed named Paisley Guy? Tune in again to find out, As the Jungle Turns!

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF SEPTEMBER 10/11

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, we found out the Plaid Guy – who all the Razzleflabbins had been terrified of for years, was actually a really nice guy! So nice, in fact, that the Razzleflabbins invited him to the barbecue and to the next day’s busy day of playing and singing!

CLOSE: Tune in again next time for another inspiringly inspiring inspiration story from the never-ending deep-jungle soap-opera saga that is, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

Own a Toyota? They want to know how comfortable it makes you feel… even on the OUTSIDE of the car!

A Toyota customer service survey is the source of our Moment of Duh today. The Toyota survey asked owners to indicate their impression of their Toyota vehicle in ”Performance, general handling, interior comfort, exterior comfort, interior styling.”  ***MARLAR: Exterior comfort? Have they begun installing padding on the roof racks?

TOP TEN

WIMPS NEED NOT APPLY

Our Program Director and General Manager have been having meetings all week – it’s just now that we’ve discovered that they’re looking for a new sales person. However, I did notice on the web the other day a job listing that looked suspicious to me – turns out it was for us! It talked about how we were looking for go-getter sales people – “NO WIMPS.” So… the question is, what exactly is a WIMP? We’ve come up with a few options:

  • White Introverted Male Putz – we don’t want THAT on the sales team!
  • Wily Intelligent Master Personality – that sounds way too heady. Besides, I already have the ego thing going, we don’t need somebody else doing that.
  • Winner In Many Places – yeah, that could work.
  • Western Iowa Meat Packer – well, as long as he’s willing to commute every day.
  • Wasted In My Prime – yeah, but that describes just about every radio person on Earth.
  • Wanderer Into Mountain Pastures – now that is one area we’ve not been looking for new blood – mountain pastures!
  • Well Instructed Mandolin Player – I don’t think so. We don’t need to give our Program Director any ideas on changing the format.
  • What Is My Problem? – but then we’re back to me again.
  • Weird Insane Mental Patient – me.
  • Where Is My Paycheck? – yeah, this one’s my favorite.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

A woman has been arrested for two overdue library books!

FILE #1: A woman in Grafton, Wisconsin, has been arrested after failing to pay her library fines. Heidi Dalibor, 20, said she ignored the library’s calls, letters, and a notice to appear in court. She was still surprised when officers with a warrant knocked on her door, cuffed her and took her to the police station to be fingerprinted and photographed. Library director John Hanson said a couple of dozen people are cited each year for failure to return materials or pay fines. The incident cost Dalibor about $30 for the overdue paperbacks “White Oleander” and “Angels and Demons.” Her mother paid $172 to get Heidi out of jail.

FILE #2: A Goldsboro, North Carolina, couple returned home after a long business trip to find their house trashed, items missing and a teenager sleeping in their bed. Aaron Scott Everett, 16, was charged with breaking and entering, larceny and possession of stolen property. Police expect more arrests as the investigation continues. Ron and Barbara Watson found chicken bones, broken bottles, matches, guns, ammunition and human feces strewn about their home. Watson estimated the total cost in damage and stolen goods to be more than $30,000.

FILE #3: Officers in the Milwaukee, Wisconsin suburb of Greenfield say a woman celebrated her 37th birthday by helping her 17-year-old son rob two gas stations. Mom was the getaway driver while her son robbed the stations at gunpoint. Police said the woman’s 13-month-old daughter and two boys ages 10 and 14 rode along during the robberies. They were in custody by the end of the day.

STRANGE LAW: It is a misdemeanor to show movies that depict acts of felonious crime in Montana.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

There’s really no talking your way out of a drunken-driving arrest, and a 49-year-old Greenfield, Wisconsin man sure wasn’t helping himself when he was pulled over. 

The man drove almost hit a squad car.  When pulled over by Waterford police and asked what he had to drink, he reportedly said, “What didn’t I have?”  Next he went on a curse-filled tirade regarding Greenfield police officers.  He was reminded that he was in Waterford, but the man responded by saying, “Franklin cops aren’t any better.”  Police again told the drunk driver he was in Waterford, but then he made reference to “Oak Creek cops” not being any better.  If you can’t even understand where you are, and refuse to take a police officer’s word that you’re in a particular place, you’re probably too intoxicated to drive.  His blood-alcohol level registered a 0.18 on a breath test. 

PHONER PHUN

If you could change places with your boss for the day, would you? If so, what changes would you make in the office during your reign?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Who had a harem with women who were “purified” with perfumes?
ANSWER: King Ahasuerus (Esther 2:12,13)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: How many ways are there to make change for a U.S. dollar?

ANSWER: 293

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. The king of spades is the only king without a mustache on a standard playing card. (False – the King of Hearts is the only one)

2. More people use blue toothbrushes, than red ones. (True)

3. More money is spent on stamp collecting than on any other hobby. (False – gardening)

4. The hairless area of roughened skin at the tip of a bear’s snout is called the rhinarium. (True)

5. In the 1900 Sears Roebuck company catalog, a piano cost $9.80. (False – $98.00)

6. The junk mail that Americans receive in one day could produce enough energy to heat 250,000 homes. (True)

7. There are 48 teaspoons in a cup. (True. Three teaspoons make a tablespoon and 16 tablespoons to a cup.)

8. The most requested photo from the U.S. National Archives is a shot of President Kennedy being shot. (False – it’s the photo of Elvis offering his services as a drug enforcement agent to Nixon.)

9. The name of the broken-down, partially blind old horse Ichabod Crane rode in Washington Irving’s Legend of Sleepy Hollow was Bullet. (False – Gunpowder)

10. It takes 15 months of instruction at the Pentagon’s School of Music to turn out a bandleader, but merely 13 months to train a jet pilot. (True… at least, it was true in 19877 when Congressmen hear this fact and were shocked.)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

FEDS TO SEIZE ALL __________ GUITARS (ACOUSTIC) 

Federal agents raided guitar factories around the country today. They plan to seize all acoustic guitars.

Federal agents swooped in on Gibson Guitar, raiding factories and offices in Memphis and Nashville, seizing several pallets of wood, electronic files and guitars.

The Feds are saying that acoustic guitar makers are illegally harvested hardwoods from protected forests, such as the Madagascar ebony that makes for such lovely fretboards.

The Feds aren’t commenting on the raid.  But a source inside the Obama Administration told Weekly World News, that the EPA has decided that most acoustic guitars use “endangered wood” and the EPS intends to put an end to “the raping of the environment for the sake of ‘cafe house’ guitarists.”

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, “Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents. The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $1.37. Then my wife’s father died and left us two million dollars.”

JOKE #2

A young man visiting a dude ranch wanted to be “Macho”, and went out walking with one of the hired hands. Walking through the barnyard, the visitor tried starting a conversation:

“Say, look at that big bunch of buffalos.”

The hired hand replied, “Not ‘bunch’ but ‘herd’.”

“Heard what?”

“Herd of buffalos.”

“Sure, I’ve heard of buffalos. There’s a big bunch of ’em right over there.”

JOKE #3

Gail was going away for a few days and left her husband, Mike, a list of chores. For fun, she put down as Item 5: Think about your wife a lot.

After Gail returned, Mike proudly reported that he had completed every job. When she saw the list, however, each item except No. 5 had been crossed off.

“What’s this!” Gail exclaimed. “Didn’t you think about me while I was gone?”

Her chagrin vanished when he replied cheerfully, “I started to, but just never finished.”

USELESS FACTS

While James Bond creator Ian Fleming only wrote 14 Bond novels, there have been many, many more 007 movies. Fleming did write another novel though… one that was made into a Disney film! Ian Fleming wrote “Chitty Chitty Bang Bang!” ***MARLAR: I can hear Sean Connery in my head, “Bond… Chitty Chitty Bond Bond.”

It had to happen someday.  Europe now has the world’s very first outpatient addiction treatment program for problem video gamers.  ***MARLAR: It’s a two step program.  Step one… take away the video games, step two… go outside.

FEATURED FUNNIES

COOKIES

When you were a little kid, remember how hard it was to get a cookie? Way in the back, unless your mom was really mean – then they’d be on top of the refrigerator.
Nowhere, anyplace on a package of Oreos does it say, ‘Keep out of reach of small children.’
Where’s the Liquid Drano? Under the sink, right next to the rest of the poisons.

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

China’s ping-pong champion finally has a girlfriend!

China’s Wang Hao is the reigning ping pong world champion with two Olympic silver medals under his belt. You might say he had it all — well except for a girlfriend. Chinese officials had banned the 25-year-old from dating — because that’s what they do in communist countries. But that’s all changed now as national team officials permitted his relationship with former national teammate, 23-year-old Peng Luyang. Peng’s coach Qiao Yunping said, “Both of them are old enough and it’s normal.” Strict control of athletes’ personal lives is common in China’s rigid state-run sporting system — because that’s what they do in communist countries. Under the watchful eye of team officials, star athletes are often banned from dating or marrying until a certain age, restricted in endorsement contracts and sometimes have a large percentage of their winnings taken away. Because that’s what they do in communist countries.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

CATCH OF A LIFETIME

There was once an 11 year old who went fishing every chance he got from the dock at his family’s cabin on an island in the middle of a New Hampshire lake. On the day before bass season opened, he and his father were fishing early in the evening, catching sunfish and perch with worms. Then he tied on a small silver lure and practiced casting. The lure struck the water and caused colored ripples in the sunset, then silver ripples as the moon rose over the lake.

When his pole doubled over, he knew something huge was on the other end. His father watched with admiration as the boy skillfully worked the fish alongside the dock. Finally he very gingerly lifted the exhausted fish from the water. It was the largest one he had ever seen, but it was a bass.

The boy and his father looked at the handsome fish, gills playing back and forth in the moonlight. The father lit a match and looked at his watch. It was 10 p.m. — two hours before the season opened. He looked at the fish, then at the boy. “You’ll have to put it back, son,” he said.

“Dad!” cried the boy. “There will be other fish,” said his father. “Not as big as this one,” cried the boy. He looked around the lake. No other fishermen or boats were anywhere around in the moonlight. He looked again at his father.

Even though no one had seen them, nor could anyone ever know what time he caught the fish, the boy could tell by the clarity of his father’s voice that the decision was not negotiable. He slowly worked the hook out of the lip of the huge bass, and lowered it into the black water. The creature swished its powerful body and disappeared. The boy suspected that he would never again see such a great fish.

That was 34 years ago. Today the boy is a successful architect in New York City. His father’s cabin is still there on the lake. He takes his own son and daughters fishing from the same dock.

And he was right. He has never again caught such a magnificent fish as the one he landed that night long ago. But he does see that same fish…again and again…every time he comes up against a question of ethics. For, as his father taught him, ethics are simple matters of right and wrong. It is only the practice of ethics that is difficult.

Do we do right when no one is looking? Do we refuse to cut corners to get the design in on time? Or refuse to trade stocks based on information that we know we aren’t supposed to have? We would if we were taught to put the fish back when we were young. For we would have learned the truth. The decision to do right lives fresh and fragrant in our memory. It is a story we will proudly tell our friends and grandchildren. Not about how we had a chance to beat the system and took it, but about how we did the right thing and were forever strengthened.

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

COUNT ON IT

Read: Galatians 6:1-10

Whatever a man sows, that he will also reap. —Galatians 6:7

A children’s book called The Chance World describes an imaginary planet where everything happens unpredictably. For example, the sun might rise one day or it might not, and it might appear at any hour. Some days the moon might come up in its place. One day you might jump up and not come down, and the next day find gravity so strong you can’t even lift your feet.

Scottish biologist Henry Drummond commented that in such a place, where natural law was nonexistent, “reason would be impossible. It would become a lunatic world with a population of lunatics.”

We should be thankful for the dependability of the natural laws that the Creator has set in motion. They are a great benefit to us if we recognize and respect them. If we violate those laws, however, we will suffer the consequences.

That is also true of God’s spiritual laws, such as the one in today’s text. The person who ignores God’s standards and caters to sinful appetites can expect destruction. But the person who follows the leading of the Holy Spirit will experience the blessings of everlasting life.

God’s laws never fail. For better or worse, you will reap what you sow. Count on it! —Richard De Haan

Surer than autumn’s harvests
Are harvests of thought and deed;
Like those that our hands have planted,
The yield will be like the seed. —Harris

When we sow seeds of sin, we can count on a harvest of judgment.

LEFTOVERS

Want to torture anyone, anywhere? Then you want a portable karaoke machine!

Boy the Japanese just love that Karaoke don’t they? The Japanese toy company Takara Tomy has announced they will soon be selling a personal portable karaoke machine so you can belt out your favorite tunes anywhere and any time. The “Hi-kara” karaoke machine is a small 3-inch cube which weighs less than a pound and works just like a real machine. Once the singer selects a song, which can be downloaded off the Internet or from special music cartridges, the lyrics come up on a 2.4-inch display. The machine also has headphones and speakers attached. It’ll run about $100 bucks and is aimed at youngsters who cannot go into karaoke clubs that sell alcohol. If you didn’t know, Japan is the birthplace of the first karaoke machine and the name is derived from the Japanese word for “empty orchestra.”  ***MARLAR: Strange, I thought it meant, “empty talent.”

LIFE… LIVE IT

HOW TO GET OUT OF A BURNING BUILDING… ALIVE

(Cosmopolitan) No one expects to be trapped in a burning building, but it happens, obviously. Memorize some survival strategies pronto from the National Fire Protection Association. Before a blaze happens:

  • Make sure you have smoke alarms in every bedroom as well as on each floor, including the basement, of your home. They should be interconnected, so if one goes off, they all do. Test them once a month, and change the batteries once a year, fire departments recommend choosing Daylight Saving as a reminder.
  • Establish and practice an escape plan that includes two ways out of each room.
  • If you are staying in a hotel, take note of the nearest stairwells and fire exits.
  • Install emergency release devices to any security bars on your windows or doors so they can be opened in seconds.

Once the fire has started:

  • Get low, and go. Smoke rises, so air is easier to breathe closer to the floor. Stay as low as you can, and move fast.
  • Close all doors between you and the fire as you leave. It’ll slow the spread of the flames.
  • If your body or clothes are on fire, immediately drop to the floor or ground, cover your face with your hands, and keep rolling until you’ve smothered the flames.
  • Call 911 from outside. The few seconds it takes to dial those three digits may prevent you from exiting safely.
  • Once you’re safely outside, avoid the temptation to go back in for any reason.

If you’re trapped:

  • Close doors between you and the flames. If possible, seal door cracks and air vents with duct tape or towels to prevent smoke from coming in.
  • Call 911 to report your location, and if you can, go into a room with a window to await their arrival.

JUST FOR FUN

Man Uses Barbie Rod And Reel To Haul In Record Catch

It’s amazing what you can accomplish using a Barbie Doll fishing rod.

David Hayes’s granddaughter asked him to hold her Barbie rod and real while she went to the bathroom, which turned out to be a good thing for little Alyssa. Seconds after handing her granddad the Barbie rod, David landed a state record channel catfish weighing 21 pounds, 1 ounce – not much less than Alyssa weighs. According to the Winston-Salem Journal, the August 5th catch in eastern Wilkes County has been certified as a record by the North Carolina Wildlife Resources Commission. The fish was 32 inches long – 2 inches longer than the rod.  ***MARLAR: They then drove home in Barbie’s pink trailer to make dinner at their Dream House. 

FUN LIST

YOU KNOW YOU’RE HAVING A BAD DAY WHEN…

  • You’ve been at work for 4 hours before you notice that your fly is open.

  • Your twin sister forgets your birthday.

  • Your income tax refund check bounces.

  • It costs more to fill up your car with gas than it did to buy it.

  • The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.

  • Nothing you own is actually paid for.

  • People think your 40 and your only 25.

  • You open your briefcase for the big meeting and find nothing in it but your 5-year-old’s coloring papers.

  • Your secretary tells you that a film crew from some show named “60 Minutes” is waiting in your office.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

When parents hear their 3- or 4-year-old struggle with stuttering, many can’t help imagining all the ways it will cause them anxiety, especially when they enter preschool: they’ll be teased, have trouble making friends or be afraid to speak up.   But a new Australian study, published in the journal Pediatrics, suggests that it’s fairly common for preschool-age children to stutter – and those that do tend to do just fine, both emotionally and socially.  It’s important for parents to remember that stuttering is a neurological disorder, experts say, and so barking orders at a stuttering child to “slow down!” or “take a breath!” is not ultimately very helpful. Instead of telling them to slow down, for example, slow your own speech down, and the child will follow suit. Also: Don’t bombard the child with questions. Keep your full attention on the child when he or she is speaking, including eye contact. And build their confidence with very descriptive praise.  All this advice, experts point out, isn’t just good for stuttering children – it’s good advice for dealing with any child.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

An Anglican diocese in Ghana has launched a campaign to fight child trafficking in the nation. According to Christian Today, the campaign is slated to take place over five years with a goal of building a new community shelter for children rescued from the human trafficking industry. The shelter would provide a place for children to live and pursue and education. The United States embassy is also taking part in the project to keep children from sex trafficking and forced labor. A $5 million agreement was signed in support of Ghana’s efforts to combat child trafficking. http://dlvr.it/MB6L91

Wycliffe Bible Translators has started a new campaign that seeks to encourage discussion about the Gospel and show that despite statistics suggesting millennials and teenagers are becoming less engaged with God, the Bible still matters greatly in people’s lives. According to the Christian Post, Wycliffe is beginning a new campaign called Why Bible. Officials say “The goal is to create a forum for testimonies and stories shared about the Bible’s incredible impact on individuals, communities and the world.” http://ow.ly/6Fcy303QqlA

Actor Kirk Cameron is looking to inspire the nation with a live theatrical event called “Revive Us.” According to CBN, Cameron is planning a one-of-a-kind experience will bring people of faith from across the country to converge on movie theaters nationwide on October 18. “Revive Us” will feature Dr. Ben Carson, pastors Francis Chan and Dr. James MacDonald, best-selling authors Eric Metaxas and Jennifer Rothschild, along with musical performances by Vertical Church Band. The evening will conclude with a question-and-answer session created from audience-submitted questions and a time for audience members to gather in their respective theaters for prayer. http://go.cbn.com/12100

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

SEPTEMBER 02, 2016…

(New Opening Date) Equity—Anna Gunn wants to get a job in a top-notch investment film, but finds back-stabbing and bad investments, instead. Things start to happen when she starts looking at the workings of the corporation. Also in the cast is Alysia Reiner. “Equity” is rated PG 13. No rating.

The 9th Life Of Louis Drax—This is an unusual thriller about a child (Aiden Longworth) who keeps having accidents and the doctor (Jamie Dorman from “Shades of Gray”) who tries to help him. Also in the cast are Oliver Platt and Molly Parker. “The 9th Life of Louis Drax” is rated PG 13. No rating.

The Light Between Oceans—Based on the novel by M. L. Stedman, this plot concerns an Australian lighthouse keeper (Michael Fassbinder) and his wife (Alicia Vikander) who find a stranded baby on the beach and adopt her.  Years later, another woman, Rachel Weisz, enters their life. “The Light Between Oceans “ (bring hankie) is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

SEPTEMBER 09, 2016…

When The Bough Breaks is about what goes wrong when a couple contact a surrogate mother. Stars Morris Chestnut.

Sully has Tom Hanks as the famous airline pilot who brought his plane down in the Hudson River and made international headlines.

Before I Wake is a supernatural film about a little boy who is afraid to fall asleep. Stars Jacob Tremblay and Kate Bosworth.

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WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.