September 10, 2015: Thursday ONAIRprep

***RADIO ISN’T DEAD – From RadioIsntDead.com

***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS – FREE TO AIR! (Contact me to sign up!)

***CREATION MOMENTS MINUTE – FREE TO AIR! (Contact me to sign up!)

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20150910

 

New Life Ministries prize package giveaway

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

I’m proud to announce that (THE JOCK SHOW) is now closed-captioned for the thinking impaired.

 

 

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“The Lord detests lying lips, but He delights in men who are truthful.”  –Proverbs 12:22

 

As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us. –Psalm 103:12

 

Teach the older men to be temperate, worthy of respect, self-controlled, and sound in faith, in love, and in endurance. — Titus 2:2

 

 

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business and to work with your hands, just as we told you, so that your daily life may win the respect of outsiders and so that you will not be dependent on anybody. — 1 Thessalonians 4:11-12

 

Thought: What’s your ambition? I don’t know about you, but I’m not so sure I could say my ambition is to “live a quiet life ….” But when I hear the reason for that directive, I understand. So many people I meet are frazzled, run down, and exhausted with all their “busy-ness.” So let’s make a commitment to cycle down a little, trust God more and more each day, and seek to live a life that wins the respect of those around us!

 

Prayer: O precious and righteous Father, I need your help to learn to slow down and tend to my own responsibilities instead of running around out of control and without purpose. Please grant me not only the wisdom that I have been praying for, but also the patience and quietude that I need for that wisdom to change my heart and mind. In Jesus’ name I ask it. Amen.

 

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

 

 

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

Psalm 9:10 NIV = Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you.

 

 

TODAY IS THURSDAY – SEPTEMBER 10, 2015

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 110 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.  ONLY 498 DAYS UNTIL BARACK OBAMA LEAVES OFFICE.

 

This is LETTERS FROM MOM WEEK, a time to write notes and cards of encouragement to your children and teens for the new school year.

 

Today is HOT DOG DAY and NATIONAL WIENER SCHNITZEL DAY.  ***MARLAR: There’s a difference?

 

Today is NATIONAL TAKE GOOFY PHOTOS DAY. ***MARLAR: Get together with friends and ham it up for the cameras. Or hot dog it!

 

Today is NATIONAL SWAP IDEAS DAY.

 

Today is NATIONAL SCAPEGOAT DAY.  ***MARLAR: Someone to blame if swapping ideas backfires on you.

 

 

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

World Suicide Prevention Day

 

 

COMING UP NEXT

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 11

Banana Day

Libraries Remember Day

National Day of Service and Remembrance

Patriot Day

Remember Freedom Day

Stand Up To Cancer Day

 

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 12

International Day for South-South Cooperation

National Day of Remembrance for Aborted Children

National Hollerin’ Day

National Iguana Awareness Day

Prairie Day

Video Games Day

Farmer Consumer Awareness Day

International Drive Your Studebaker Day

 

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 13

Grandparents’ Day

International Chocolate Day

Kids Take Over the Kitchen Day

National Celiac Awareness Day

National Peanut Day

Roald Dahl Day

Scooby-Doo Day

Miss America Pageant

National Hug Your Hound Day

National Pet Memorial Day

 

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 14

National Kreme Filled Donut Day

Rosh Hashannah

World Maritime Day

 

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 15

Rosh Hashannah

8-Track Tape Day

Felt Hat Day

Get Ready Day

Google.com Day

Greenpeace Day

International Day of Democracy

International Dot Day

 

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 16

Anne Bradstreet Day

International Day for the Preservation of the Ozone Layer

Mayflower Day

National Guacamole Day

Play-Doh Day

School Backpack Awareness Day ***Huh? Are backpacks corrupting our kids without our knowing it?

Stay Away From Seattle Day

Stepfamily Day

Trail of Tears Commemoration Day

 

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 17

Citizenship Day

Constitution Day

International Country Music Day

RAINN Day (Rape Abuse Incest National Network)

Time’s Up Day

VFW Ladies Auxiliary Day

 

 

ON THIS DAY

1813: Oliver H. Perry sent his famous message, “We have met the enemy, and they are ours,” after defeating the British in the Battle of Lake Erie in the War of 1812.

 

1846: Elias Howe of Massachusetts received a patent for his sewing machine.

 

1897: George Smith drove his taxi into a building in London and would become history’s first convicted drunk driver. He claimed he’d had only two or three beers. ***MARLAR: Yeah… per mile.

 

1939: Canada declared war on Germany, entering WWII.

 

1953: The Swanson company sold its first frozen “TV dinner.” ***MARLAR: People weren’t quite sure what to make of it at first. “Why would a TV need to eat?” they thought. But then they saw Jackie Gleason and it all made sense.

 

1955: Bert Parks hosted The Miss America Pageant for the first time and sang “There She Is, Miss America” to Sharon Kay Ritchie. Parks hosted the pageant for 25 years.

 

1963: Twenty black students entered public schools in Birmingham, Mobile, and Tuskegee, Alabama, after President John F. Kennedy sent National Guardsman to end the standoff with Alabama Governor George Wallace.

 

1988: Steffi Graf achieved tennis’ first Grand Slam since Margaret Court in 1970 by winning the U.S. Open women’s final.

 

1989: Deion Sanders intercepted a pass and scored a touchdown for the Atlanta Falcons. Four days earlier he hit a home run for the Yankees. Two American dreams in one week. ***MARLAR: I thought the American dream was being in debt up to my ears.

 

1992: Police in Cedarbury, Wisconsin, arrested a 24-year-old man for robbing a Hardee’s restaurant after the bandit had parked his getaway car the wrong direction at the drive-in window, used the restroom at the service station next door, and left his car keys in the restroom. ***MARLAR: Planning, planning, planning.

 

1998: Zippy Chippy was banished from the Finger Lakes, New York, race track after losing his 85th consecutive race. In fact, the 7-year-old gelding, a fan favorite, had never won a race. Zippy Chippy’s career at Finger Lakes ended when he refused for the third straight time to leave the starting gate. ***MARLAR: Much like me in my recliner at home.

 

2002: Switzerland became the 190th member of the United Nations.

 

 

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

422: Celestine is elected pope. During his tenure, he convoked the Council of Ephesus to combat the Nestorian “heresy” (this belief, that Christ had two natures and two persons, was probably more semantic overstatement than heresy) and reportedly sent Patrick to Ireland as a missionary.

 

1718: Founded in 1701 by Congregationalists who feared Harvard was straying from its Calvinist roots, The Collegiate School at New Haven, Connecticut, changes its name to Yale.

 

1869: A Baptist minister invents the ricksha in Yokohama, Japan.

 

 

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • Actor (I Know What You Did Last Summer, Cruel Intentions) Ryan Phillippe, 41
  • Director (Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, Swept Away) Guy Ritchie, 47 (That’s Mr. Madonna to you.)
  • Voice actor (“The Simpson’s” Homer, Krusty the Clown, Mayor Quimby, etc.) Dan Castellaneta 56 (
    )
  • Actress (The Crew, Liar Liar, The Fabulous Baker Boys) Jennifer Tilly, 57
  • Actress (Crossing Delancey, Yentl) Amy Irving, 62
  • TV talk host Bill O’Reilly, 66

 

 

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1927 : Yma Sumac

1937 : Tommy Overstreet

1942 : Danny Hutton (Three Dog Night)

1945 : José Feliciano

1949 : Barriemore Barlow (Jethro Tull)

1950 : Joe Perry (Aerosmith); Born Anthony Joseph Perry

1950 : Don Powell (Slade)

1951 : Pete Tolson (Pretty Things)

1956 : Johnny Fingers (The Boomtown Rats)

1957 : Siobhan Fahey (Bananarama)

1960 : Dave Lowry (Cracker)

1966 : Miles Zuniga (Fastball)

1966 : Robin Goodridge (Bush)

1968 : Big Daddy Kane

1984 : Matthew Followill (Kings Of Leon)

 

 

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Did barbershop quartets ever have anything to do with barbershops?

You’ve surely seen barbershop quartets on TV or in the movies. You know, four guys wearing straw hats, harmonizing on such Stone Age favorites as “Sweet Adeline,” “Down by the Old Mill Stream,” or “Sweet Genevieve.” American as apple pie, right? Well, as British as shepherd’s pie is more like it. In Shakespeare’s time a barbershop was a male hangout as well as a place to get one’s haircut. Guys being guys, they indulged in a little Elizabethan doo-wop while awaiting the snip-snip, with someone strumin’ and pluckin’ on a lute. That’s where it all started. Flash forward to barbershops in the American West in the late 19th century. Substitute a banjo for the lute. Add a little man-talk one wouldn’t use at home and some good harmonizing. The haircut was almost incidental. Hummmmmm.

 

 

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE! Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

 

Jamie Grace recently decided to take on the subject of sports. How did it turn out? Her last two posts on the subject went like this: I just decided that this is gonna be too confusing of a conversation. Sports hurt my brain. Can we eat tacos and sing happy songs instead?

 

Kevin Max is gearing up for a new cover songs project titled Starry Eyes. The long time Christian pop artist recently launched a new Pledge Music campaign to raise funds for the record. Those who pledge will be gifted an instant download of his Nat King Cole cover of “Nature Boy” and an All Access pass into the campaign. Kevin says an EP will be released when the 50-percent mark has been reached in the campaign.

http://www.pledgemusic.com/projects/starryeyessurprise

 

Natalie Grant has recorded her last vocals for her new record but the vocal work isn’t completed. This week Natalie shared a picture of her three daughters in the studio and tweeted: Having a little studio rehearsal with these 3…why you ask? They are about to record FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER on my new record! Sweet little angel voices. Natalie says the new project is scheduled for a November 13th release.

 

Third Day’s Mac Powell was dealing with a different type of crowd over the weekend. He tweeted: Cosco be crazy right now!

 

Michael W. Smith was celebrating 34 years of marriage this weekend. He tweeted: How blessed can I be!

 

Phil Wickham was back in Texas and had his check list ready. He tweeted: Mexican food, check. Giant pitcher of water with a straw in it, check.

 

 

WEIRD & WACKY

King Kamehameha statue’s spear found on banks of channel    photo
HONOLULU (AP) — Detectives have found the spear that was taken from King Kamehameha’s (cah-MEH’-ha-MEH’-ha) statute on Hawaii’s Big Island. The top section of the spear held by a statue of the Hawaiian warrior was reported missing Sunday. Detectives returned to the scene to continue…

 

Canadian couple watches beach home burglary via web cam
FORT MYERS, Fla. (AP) — A Canadian couple watched via web cam as a man broke into their Florida vacation home on Fort Myers Beach before turning the video over to authorities. The surveillance tape helped Lee County sheriff’s deputies arrest 45-year-old Thomas Hinton on Sunday, the day after…
Owner of wayward chicken in San Francisco comes forward
SAN FRANCISCO (AP) — The owner of a wayward chicken that fouled up traffic at the Oakland-San Francisco Bay Bridge last week reclaimed his bird Tuesday and planned to take it to an elementary school garden like he intended to do the day the chicken escaped from a cardboard box in his pickup…
Miss America parade shoes unveiled as competition begins    photo
ATLANTIC CITY, N.J. (AP) — Contestants in the 2016 Miss America pageant will wear butterflies, snowflakes, dice, potatoes and dinosaurs on their shoes when they hit the Atlantic City Boardwalk this week. The Miss America Organization on Tuesday unveiled the footwear that each of the 52…
Despite 90-degree weather, school district declares snow day
KEYPORT, N.J. (AP) — On a day when temperatures surged past 90 degrees in central New Jersey, an electrical problem has forced a school district to declare a snow day. Classes were canceled Tuesday in Keyport because of a malfunctioning component at the district’s elementary school. Officials…
Police: Stuck on elevator, burglar forced to call 911
LAUREL, Del. (AP) — Authorities say a burglar who broke into a middle school got stuck on an elevator and was forced to call 911 for help. Local media outlets report that police say 19-year-old Michael Claude of Laurel broke into the school Monday. Officials say he was riding down the…
Woman stops by Colorado police station to hug officer
ARVADA, Colo. (AP) — The Arvada, Colorado, Police Department has posted a photo on its Facebook account of a woman who came into the station just so she could hug an officer. KMGH-TV (http://bit.ly/1IW0jyF) reports the woman told police on Monday she was upset about the deaths of law…
Kansas State says it will pay fine after band performance
Kansas State will pay a $5,000 fine and its marching band will perform without its director later this season as part of self-imposed sanctions following a routine that turned into a widespread social-media meme over the weekend. The school also said Tuesday it would require approval of all future…
Cops: Trucker choking on soft drink crashes into 23 new cars
HERMITAGE, Pa. (AP) — Police say the driver of a milk tanker truck was choking on a soft drink when he drove off a Pennsylvania highway and crashed into 23 new cars on a dealership lot. Police in Hermitage say the driver choked on Dr Pepper on Sunday and drove the truck nearly 600 feet…
Python bites Washington state museum employee
BREMERTON, Wash. (AP) — A 10-foot long python bit a Washington state museum employee who was trying to feed it, and remained latched on until firefighters arrived to pry it off. HASH(0x13ed010) She took the snake into a back room on Monday where it became aggressive after smelling thawed…
Police: Top of Kamehameha’s spear taken from Hawaii statue    photo
HILO, Hawaii (AP) — Part of King Kamehameha’s (cah-MEH’-ha-MEH’-ha) spear is missing. Police on Hawaii’s Big Island are asking the public for help locating the top section of the spear that’s part of the statue of the Hawaiian warrior in Hilo (HEE’-loh). Police say the spear was last seen…

 

 

 

HEALTH & FITNESS

Surgeon general calls for steps to promote healthy walking    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — Take a walk: That’s the U.S. surgeon general’s prescription for sedentary Americans — but communities will have to step up, too, and make neighborhoods easier and safer for foot traffic. Only half of adults and just over a quarter of high school students get the amount…

 

Congress starts Planned Parenthood hearings, accusations fly    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — A prominent abortion foe is accusing Planned Parenthood of violating federal laws barring for-profit sales of fetal tissue, while a defender of the group says it’s done nothing illegal as Congress begins long-awaited hearings that are already weaving accusations, emotion and…
Health insurance signups near 10 million in midyear report    photo
CHICAGO (AP) — About 9.9 million people have signed up and paid for health insurance under President Barack Obama’s health care law, the administration said Tuesday, a slight dip from a previous count but on track toward the administration’s year-end goal of 9.1 million. The U.S. Department…
Extreme preemies make survival gains, 20-year study finds
CHICAGO (AP) — Odds have improved that many extremely premature U.S. infants will survive without major problems, although prospects remain poor for the smallest and youngest, born nearly four months too soon, a government-funded study found. The findings suggest that the age of viability…
Half of US adults have diabetes or pre-diabetes, study says
CHICAGO (AP) — New research suggests that half of all U.S. adults have diabetes or pre-diabetes. The study of government health surveys echoes previous research and shows numbers increased substantially between 1988 and 2012 although they mostly leveled off after 2008. Overall, 12 percent to…
Pass on the salt? NYC board to vote on menu sodium warnings
NEW YORK (AP) — Chain restaurants across New York City may soon be compelled to add a new item to their menus: a salt-warning symbol. The city Board of Health is set to vote Wednesday on a groundbreaking rule that would slap a black-and-white salt-shaker emblem on chain-eatery dishes with…
Sierra Leone officials confirm 3 new cases of Ebola
FREETOWN, Sierra Leone (AP) — The head of Sierra Leone’s National Ebola Response Center says that three new cases of Ebola have emerged in an area where a 67-year-old woman died in late August, bringing the total new cases in treatment to four. Alfred Palo Conteh said Tuesday that three new…
Across much of US, a serious shortage of psychiatrists    photo
NEW YORK (AP) — It is an irony that troubles health care providers and policymakers nationwide: Even as public awareness of mental illness increases, a shortage of psychiatrists worsens. In vast swaths of America, patients face lengthy drives to reach the nearest psychiatrist, if they can…
More precise medical codes aim to track quality of care    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — If things are a bit tense in your doctor’s office come Oct. 1, some behind-the-scenes red tape could be to blame. That’s the day when the nation’s physicians and hospitals must start using a massive new coding system to describe your visit on insurance claims so they get…
Surgeon general calls for steps to promote healthy walking    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — Take a walk: That’s the U.S. surgeon general’s prescription for sedentary Americans — but communities will have to step up, too, and make neighborhoods easier and safer for foot traffic. Only half of adults and just over a quarter of high school students get the amount…
Effort to fight African blindness wins $1.1M eyesight prize
LISBON, Portugal (AP) — Three institutions that work together to fight blindness and poverty in Africa are sharing a 1 million euro ($1.1 million) prize from a Portuguese foundation. The award announced Monday night is being given to the Tanzania-based Kilimanjaro Centre for Community…

 

 

 

NEWS KICKERS

(None on the weekends)

 

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

A German woman is grateful for her bra after she rode her bicycle through a boar hunt and the underwire deflected a hunter’s bullet.  *** She was accidentally shot during a boar hunt?  That must be one ugly woman.

 

McDonald’s is rolling out self-service kiosks in restaurants across the US that allow customers to order and pay for their food without ever having to interact with a human. According to Yahoo, the touch-screen technology is meant to speed up the ordering process and give people more control over customizing their food, while reducing opportunities for human error.  *** This is also what you get when you force business owners to increase their minimum wage.

http://yhoo.it/1MX7Ao3

 

A survey finds that a quarter of all people who take a briefcase or something similar to work with them have got SOMETHING in it for self-defense.  *** So watch out – I’m deadly accurate with my hand-held stapler.

 

When it comes down to it, a lot of the time you may not be motivated to get up at 5 in the morning to hit the gym. Well, your daily routine is about to be changed with a new fitness tracking wearable called Pavlok. This device will actively punish you for failing. At first, it starts with just vibrations. This quickly advances to a small alarm and if you are too stubborn to heed the warning, it will shock you.  *** It’s easily defeated though by eating enough junk food to puff up and expand to the point that it breaks the wristband.

 

 

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

Lonely?  Stop wasting so much time online. If you really want to meet someone, get a dog. It turns out that one in four dog owners have met dates while walking their dogs. A third have at least made new friends. We trust dogs’ people-meters, too. Forty percent of dog owners say they would think twice if their pets and dates didn’t get along.  ***MARLAR: Man’s best friend – especially if you’re looking for a date this weekend.

 

A new study suggests — ready for this? — missed or wrong diagnoses at the doctor’s office puts thousands of patients at risk of complications each year. That’s right, if your doctor thinks that, say, a burst appendix is just a tummy ache, you could be in trouble. Yep, someone spent money to study that.

 

Chocolate is better than fluoride at keeping your teeth healthy, a study at Tulane University in New Orleans has concluded. The cocoa in chocolate hardens tooth enamel and fights cavities and should be considered as a natural alternative to fluoride, which has been shrouded in controversy for decades, the researchers say. The university is now exploring ways of incorporating cocoa extract in toothpaste.  ***MARLAR: From now on I’m dipping my toothbrush in hot fudge and gargling with YooHoo.

 

A British study has found that stress at the office raises your risk of heart disease, especially if you’re under 50.  Researchers found that chronically stressed workers had a 68 percent higher risk of developing heart disease.  ***MARLAR: In other words, work can kill you.  But don’t stress out about it.

 

 

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Scream at Bottom of Lungs”

 

 

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Mike Williams, “Bumper Sticker”

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THURSDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you another inspiringly inspiring inspirational story in the never-ending deep-jungle soap-opera saga that is As the Jungle Turns!

 

CLOSE: So Gruffy’s going on a picnic… I’m thinking Millard’s going to want to go too. So what’s the big deal with that? We’ll find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF SEPTEMBER 12/13, 2015
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, all of the jungle animals were headed out for the best and biggest picnic they’d ever had. But Gruffy Bear insisted that they not have the picnic until they found the perfect picnic spot. They’ve already found a really nice spot – but it’s not good enough for Gruffy.

 

CLOSE: That sure sounded like the perfect picnic spot. What better place could they find? Tune in next time, As the Jungle Turns!

 

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of As the Jungle Turns in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us.

 

 

MOMENT OF DUH

If you’re planning on playing paintball, make sure your targets know they’re playing too!

Merced, California’s John McKay, Juan Gonzalez, Nicole Cox, and a 16-year-old friend were having a great time playing paintball. Not having a great time were several passersby they shot at random. Not having fun now are our four paintball playing friends. One person they shot turned out to be Merced County’s top prosecutor. District Attorney Larry Morse II was apparently an unintended target when he was shot in the back. He was uninjured and unamused as he chased the suspects down and will prosecute them on a felony charge of conspiracy and misdemeanor battery.

 

 

TOP TEN

THE TEN MOST COMMON FORMS OF OFFICE ILLNESS

  1. The Macy’s One Day Sale Flu.
  2. The Drivers License Renewal Appointment 24-Hour Virus.
  3. The Friday-Afternoon-Start-The-Weekend-Early Sudden Unbearable Stomach Pains.
  4. The I’m Looking for a New Job and I Don’t Know How Long It’s Going to Take, but I Want To Stay On The Payroll Until Then Mysterious Infection.
  5. The My Spouse Got the Week Off So Suddenly I’m Too Contagious To Come In To The Office Disease.
  6. The I Need a Hair Cut and My Stylist Doesn’t Make Evening Appointments Bout of Influenza.
  7. The There’s No Federal Holidays for Two Months and I Want a Day Off Sickness.
  8. The It’s Spring Break and I Want To Pretend I’m a Teenager Again General Ailment.
  9. The I’ve Messed Up Royally and I Won’t Come In To Face the Music Terminal Illness.
  10. The I Really Am Sick and I’ve Got The Doctor’s Bills and the Completed Medical Expense Reimbursement Forms to Prove It Infirmity.

 

 

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Ever had any “Red Bull”?  Be careful – it could cause you to commit crimes!

 

FILE #1: You’ve probably seen the ads for the energy drink Red Bull. You know… Red Bull, it’ll give you wings. That’s because Red Bull is basically a big can of caffeine. And now, in Darwin, England, a 17-year-old boy who robbed a supermarket of $17,000 at knife point says it’s because he drank too much Red Bull and went crazy. He claims he had 11 cans which doctors told the court is more than twice the caffeine needed to cause significant toxic effects possibly creating a blurring between fantasy and reality. His lawyer says since committing the crime he no longer drinks Red Bull or has had any caffeine for that matter. Justice Steven Bailey said caffeine intoxication might explain but did not excuse the crime. The boy pleaded guilty. Judge Bailey gave him a 4-year suspended jail sentence.

 

FILE #2: A 34-year-old saleswoman was caught driving down a Swiss motorway while she was using her laptop computer and chatting on a handheld mobile phone, police in northeastern Switzerland said. The driver said she was unaware of any wrongdoing and responded that she was “driving like I always do”, police in the canton of St Gallen said in a statement. A police patrol pulled her over after they saw her car zig-zagging along the A3 motorway near the town of Murg. The woman was remanded to magistrate’s court because of her “unreasonable behavior”, police said.

 

FILE #3: Lorain, Ohio, police officer Joseph Kopronica pulled over a van because it appeared “out of control.” He said the driver, Nancy M. Lang, 42, appeared drunk. But if he hadn’t noticed that, Lang may have given him a clue: “Please give me a break,” she asked him. “I’m drunk.” After failing a field sobriety test, he told Lang she was under arrest. She protested “Wait: I can do this!” and proceeded to do jumping jacks and a push-up. When she started to do a cartwheel, Kopronica stopped her, for her safety and for the officer’s.  Lang has been charged with speeding, driving under the influence of alcohol, driving with a suspended license, and driving with expired license plates.  ***MARLAR: Any calisthenics can and will be used against you in a court of law.

 

STRANGE LAW: In Newark, New Jersey, it is illegal to sell ice cream after 6pm, unless the customer has a note from his doctor.

 

 

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

This is your mail on drugs. 

Here’s another what-was-he-thinking story. Authorities in Northern California report they busted Steven Coburn for mailing marijuana, thanks to his return address on the package. Investigators say the Mill Valley man mailed a-half pound of pot through a private shipping company but forgot to put the address on it. In accordance with procedure, workers opened the package to see if the label had been accidentally sealed inside. When workers discovered the weed, they called the cops. Coburn has been released on bail, after being charged with suspicion of drug possession for sale.  And because he used the U.S. Postal Service for his attempted delivery, it becomes a FEDERAL offense!  Nice job, Steve.

 

 

PHONER PHUN

September 10, 1955: Bert Parks hosted The Miss America Pageant for the first time and sang “There She Is, Miss America” to Sharon Kay Ritchie. Parks hosted the pageant for 25 years.

PHONER IDEA – Get listeners to call in and sing “There She Is, Miss America” for a prize. Should be pretty funny – if they can even remember the song!

 

Over in England a woman told a TV host that she has a fear of sunflowers. Yep, those big, tall flowers we get a wonderful snack from. After revealing her fear they brought one out. What odd thing creeps you out?

 

 

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: What bird did Jesus use to teach us that God will care for us?
ANSWER: The sparrow. (“Are not two sparrows sold for a copper coin? And not one of them falls to the ground apart from your father’s will. But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Do not fear therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows.” –Matthew 10:29-31)

 

 

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: What was the average life expectancy of an Egyptian about 3,000 years ago?

ANSWER: Most Egyptians died by the time they were 30.

 

 

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

 

  1. An average person uses the bathroom 9 times per day. (False – six)

 

  1. The fastest growing hair on the body is on the legs. (False – beards. If the average man never trimmed his beard, it would grow to nearly 30 feet long in his lifetime.)

 

  1. Every human spent about three hours as a single cell. (False – 30 minutes)

 

  1. Every person has a unique tongue print. (True)

 

  1. Every square inch of the human body has an average of 32 million bacteria on it. (True)

 

  1. Every time you lick a stamp, you’re consuming about one calorie. (False – one tenth of a calorie)

 

  1. The ostrich has the biggest eyes of any animal. (False it’s the giant squie, with eyes that measure 40 centimeters – or 16 inches – in diameter)

 

  1. Domestic cats purr at the same frequency as a diesel engine. (True – about 26 cycles per second)

 

  1. Dr. Seuss coined the word “nerd”. (True – in his 1950 book, If I Ran the Zoo)

 

  1. A person at rest generates as much heat as a 25-watt lightbulb. (False – a 100-watt lightbulb! So don’t let anyone call you dim!)

 

 

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

“Cows Stampede When Brought to _________!”  (MCDONALD’S)

In West Haven, Utah, eight cows escaped and started a mild stampede when the rear gate of their trailer accidentally opened as the driver pulled into a McDonald’s! It took two hours to round the cows back up in what sheriff’s deputies called, “Operation Hamburger Helper.”

 

 

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY

JOKE #1

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city’s most successful lawyer.  So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.  The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, “Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don’t give a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?”

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, “First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?”

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, “Uh… no, I didn’t know that.”

“Secondly,” says the lawyer, “my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is not able to support his wife and six children.”

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

“Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister’s husband died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?”

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, “I’m so sorry, I had no idea.”

And the lawyer says, “So…if I didn’t give any money to them, what makes you think I’d give any to you?”

 

JOKE #2

My sister landed a good job with an accounting firm, and after a while she got a generous raise. The day she found out about it, her husband picked her up from work, and they stopped for ice cream. As they continued home, my sister blurted out, “Isn’t it hard to believe that I have a job that pays this much money?”

Just then, she went to toss the last of her ice cream cone out the window. However, the window was closed, and it smacked against the glass.

Her husband replied calmly, “Yes.”

 

JOKE #3

The navy psychiatrist was interviewing a potential sailor. To check on the young man’s response to trouble, the psychiatrist asked, “What would you do if you looked out of that window right now and saw a battleship coming down the street?”

The baby sailor said, “I’d grab a torpedo and sink it.”

“Where would you get the torpedo?”

“The same place you got your battleship!”

 

 

USELESS FACTS

Thomas More, King Henry VIII’s Chancellor, is one of history’s most famous martyrs. The King ordered him beheaded because More would not violate his conscience in order to do his monarch’s bidding. Now here’s a little-known sidelight to that story: Henry knew that More loved to speak and ordered him not to be long-winded at the executioner’s block. But More had plenty to say at the last minute. And why not? He knew his head would be cut off anyway.

 

During the Cold War the Brits and Americans built what is thought to be the longest tunnel ever constructed for the purposes of spying. They began in West Berlin and dug 1,476 feet into East Berlin, intending to tap into underground cables used by the Communists to send messages. What the intelligence agencies of both countries have suppressed to this day is an embarrassing fact: when a small test hole was dug to the surface, what they saw was not the Berlin Wall but the Eiffel Tower.

 

 

FEATURED FUNNIES

What’s for Dinner?
Bernie had a fight with Rachel, his wife, and went to the movies to cool off. Later that evening, he decided to phone home to see what the situation was and maybe even apologize.
“Hello, darling,” he said, “what are you making for dinner?”
Rachel shrieks, “What am I making for dinner? After all the horrible things you said to me earlier, you want to know what I am making for dinner? Poison, that’s what I’m making! Poison!”
Bernie replies, “Okay then, just make one portion, I’m not coming home.

 

 

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

I’M NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE

We may live in a microwave “instant gratification” society, but some things we have no choice but to wait for – such as new furniture to be delivered.  One woman was tired of being patient and took matters into her own hands.
In our fast-paced society, we often have a difficult time waiting for things. Gillian Kennedy of Bristol, England, decided she just couldn’t wait any longer for the furniture she ordered and took matters into her own hands. After being told the dresser she ordered 10 weeks ago was still not in and was on backorder from Malaysia, Gillian stormed the furniture store. With a screwdriver in hand she spent 30 minutes taking apart the display model of the dresser she wanted and put the pieces in her car. Walking out the door she yelled to the store’s staff, “Don’t you dare try to stop me!” And they didn’t!

 

 

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

The Buzzard, The Bat, and the Bumblebee

If you put a buzzard in a pen six or eight feet square and entirely open at the top, the bird, in spite of his ability to fly, will be an absolute prisoner. The reason is that a buzzard always begins a flight from the ground with a run of ten or twelve feet. Without space to run, as is his habit, he will not even attempt to fly, but will remain a prisoner for life in a small jail with no top.

The ordinary bat that flies around at night, a remarkable nimble creature in the air, cannot take off from a level place. If it is placed on the floor or flat ground, all it can do is shuffle about helplessly and, no doubt, painfully, until it reaches some slight elevation from which it can throw itself into the air. Then, at once, it takes off like a flash.

A Bumblebee if dropped into an open tumbler will be there until it dies, unless it is taken out. It never sees the means of escape at the top, but persists in trying to find some way out through the sides near the bottom. It will seek a way where none exists, until it completely destroys itself.

In many ways, there are lots of people like the buzzard, the bat and the bee. They are struggling about with all their problems and frustrations, not realizing that the answer is right there above them.

 

 

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

“Mom,” asked the little boy, “Didn’t you say we came from dust and someday we will all return to dust?” Mom smiled, “Why, yes, Son. I did. What makes you ask?” “Well,” the little tyke continued, “there’s a lot of people under my bed right now–and I just wanted to know if they were coming or going!” You smile and relate–for unless you’re some kind of neat freak, you’ve got little people coming and going under YOUR bed, dresser, sofa and TV too, just like me! Now DUST wouldn’t normally have a devastating effect on me–I can live with a little, and so can you!! But when your allergy doctor sticks your back with food, chemicals, grasses, weeds–AND dust–and you come up DUST, you sit up, say, “Please let me scratch,” and listen a little more closely! Now I exaggerate a little ’cause my case is not a bad one, but I’m learning a lot! You see, these DUST MITES–the little critters you can only see with a microscope–actually feast off our dead skin cells–in bedding, drapes, carpeting, stuffed animals–in MY house and yours. Frankly, I could certainly think of far better things to eat–yuk! In any event, they are mighty little things that can cost you money–and bring a little bit of madness along the way as you rush for the allergy pills, the nose sprays, the dust-busters and the catalogs with allergy-free comforters! Little microscopic monsters that will mess up your sinus cavities, your throat, your ears, your breathing, your voice, your head–and your life–if you let them!

Can’t help but remind me of some other “mighty mites” that march down the street and mess up our lives and homes–mighty mad mites of sins, stress, sadness, sickness……one little mite on top of another, until we are a basket case, running for cover…DON’T – for that’s where the mad mighty mites reside–IN THE COVERS–grin–go read the books! And now, get out the Good Book, read a Psalm; put on a praise-and-worship tape; calm down; find something funny in the whole little mess–and see how the mighty mad little mites will march right out of your home and life–as the Might of God’s power and Spirit put them to flight! Don’t let the little stresses and messes of life BUG you. After all, in the light of eternity, how BIG are those little mites after all….not VERY….especially in view of the great big God we serve. So after you’re all done washing your bedding, your blankets, your drapes, your carpets, don’t forget to wash YOURSELF in the Water of God’s Word…..let the mites, the bites, the fights, the blights–whatever the devil is magnifying in YOUR life, be gone as His cleansing Word fills your heart and life.

March on, little mites….you’re not wanted here, there or anywhere where God’s children are serving the Lord. We stand together against the “little mites” that mess up our lives. We gladly watch them MARCH OUT at the mention of HIS Name–and we move on to breathe deeply the fragrance of His love and His marvelous joy in our lives!

Now believe it–strike up the band and watch the little mites march right out of your life–in the Name of the Lord!

 

 

LEFTOVERS

SUDDEN DEATH

Could it be that God still strikes people dead instantaneously?  Does God still smite people?  You might question that after hearing our next story.

Ask 35-year-old Kim Russell of Somerset, England. Kim had been carrying on an Internet-based romance and planned to finally meet her chat-room boyfriend. She was so excited about the rendezvous she walked out on her husband and two children two days earlier. So after walking into the hotel room to meet this guy, for the very first time, she immediately collapsed and died right on the spot. The coroner’s inquest found no evidence of foul play and simply labeled the death “sudden death syndrome.”

 

 

LIFE… LIVE IT

FIGHTING FAT WITH FAT

It’s the latest idea in combating obesity… fighting fat with fat! Researchers at the Dana-Farber Cancer Institute and the Joslin Diabetes Center, both in Boston, have discovered that brown fat cells – the “good” kind of fat that burns energy and keeps us warm – may lead to new treatments for obesity. Conventional white fat – the “bad” fat – stores energy. A person who is obese has large stores of white fat, and researchers think if they can coax the body into making more brown fat, they might be able to help obese people lose weight. ***MARLAR: I’m doing what I can to get just brown fat by eating only fatty foods that are brown… like doughnuts, cheeseburgers, chocolate shakes… all brown!

 

 

JUST FOR FUN

HIGHWAY TO HEAVEN

We all know what the best way is to get to Heaven… but one man is about to find the FASTEST way to get there… ON PURPOSE!

It’s not exactly a highway to heaven, but an inventor believes it will work. Wacky German inventor Bernard Muller plans to get to heaven by catapulting himself there. The man intends to strap himself into a specially designed catapult which will send him to paradise. Most people in town think he’s nuts but the professor insists there’s a method to his madness.  ***MARLAR: Sounds to me like his plan will work – he’ll make it to the other side alright.

 

 

FUN LIST

SIGNS YOU’VE BEEN ON THE COMPUTER WAY TOO LONG

  • You say LOL, LOL, LOL instead of laughing.
  • You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an instant message to.
  • Your answering machine/voice mail sounds a little like this….”BRB. Leave your S/N and I’ll TTYL ASAP”.
  • You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
  • You end your sentences with…..three or more periods…….
  • Being called a “newbie” is a major insult to you.
  • You’re on the phone and say BRB.
  • You need to be pried from your computer by the Jaws-of- life.

 

 

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

25 SIGNS YOU’RE HEARING A LIE

It’s possible to determine if that person is lying to you just by carefully watching for clues.

According to Sheri and Bob Stritof, authors of “Your Guide to Marriage” on About.com, there are specific verbal and nonverbal clues we all give when we tell a fib. While few people would exhibit all ofthese, it’s the rare person who can tell a lie and not exhibit some of them.

  • Touching the chin or rubbing the brow
  • Crossed arms or legs
  • Playing with hair
  • A line of perspiration on the brow if it isn’t a warm day
  • Saying “no” several times
  • Continually denying accusations
  • Being extremely defensive
  • Providing more information and specifics than necessary
  • Inconsistencies in what is being shared
  • Body language and facial expressions don’t match what is being said such as saying “no,” but nodding the head up and down
  • Smugness
  • Placing a barrier, such as a desk or chair, in front of self
  • Uncommon calmness
  • Unwillingness to touch spouse during conversation
  • Being hesitant
  • Slouching posture
  • Rigidity or fidgeting
  • Differing behaviors; not acting in a usual fashion
  • Unnatural or limited arm and hand movements
  • Partial shrug
  • Lack of finger pointing
  • Unusual voice fluctuations, word choice, sentence structure
  • Stalling the conversation by repetitive use of pauses and comments like “um” or “you know”
  • Lack of use of contractions; prefers emphasizing “not” when talking
  • Avoidance of eye contact, eyes glancing to the right, staring past you, or turning away from you while talking.

 

 

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Mondays Only)

 

 

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP (Same material for Monday and Tuesday due to the Labor Day Holiday)

Men vs. Women – Who Gives the Best Driving Directions? A recent video from Modern Marriage Moments points out the difference between women’s directions and those given by men. http://goo.gl/DCMoub

 

An 84-year-old man recently completed a 700-mile walk to help raise money for a children’s playground in the memorial park in Princeville, Illinois, he had built to honor his late wife. According to ABC News, the man, Dean Troutman, purchased 5.75 acres of land in 2011 to establish a park for his community in memory of wife Dorothy “Peggy” Troutman.” She passed away in July of 2010 from Parkinson’s disease at age 79.  http://abcn.ws/1LV4TV6

 

Christian missionaries in El Salvador have been reunited with their baby after it was swapped at birth. The British father, Richard Cushworth, and his Salvadorian wife, Mercedes Casanellas, announced their joyful reunion on Facebook earlier this week. The Cushworths’ biological son had been raised for three months by another couple, who had no idea they were raising the wrong child. The babies of the two couples appear to have been mixed up by accident. http://bit.ly/1Uz0qwa

 

 

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Why is it that they sell lemon juice with artificial ingredients, yet lemon floor polish is made with real lemon juice? What’s that all about? I want real lemon for my iced tea so now I drink it with a twist of Mop ‘n Glow.”

 

 

THE WAY WE WORK

(Updated as it comes available. The Way WE Work is written by Mark Elfstrand from 1160Hope.com in Chicago.)

Labors of Love

Labor Day returns! I’d be interested to know, of all American holidays, which is the least recognized and celebrated? Many people don’t have a good working knowledge of Labor Day history.
Our actual holiday of Labor Day has an interesting history. The Christian Post shared some details of this a year ago. The article provides a good refresher.
Christians are divided on whether labor unions should be viewed as favorable. History has shown that many improvements in the workplace have come about through both the awareness and pressure applied by labor unions. That’s the good side.
But unions have also been known to be corrupt. Greedy. And, at times, violent in their treatment of those who don’t share their agenda. It’s hard to endorse that kind of organized labor.
But my blog today has a different focus. I’m recommending reading a fairly lengthy opinion piece in the New York Times. It’s titled, “Rethinking Work.”
The story opens with the troubling reminder that “nine out of 10 workers spend half their waking lives doing things they don’t really want to do in places they don’t particularly want to be.”
The article states that it was “Adam Smith, the father of industrial capitalism, who felt that people were naturally lazy and would work only for pay. ‘It is the interest of every man,’ he wrote in 1776 in The Wealth of Nations, ‘to live as much at his ease as he can.”’
That is a fairly brutal assessment that leaves me feeling parched for more meaningful work.
But it is why the Times opinion writer, Barry Schwartz, adds “Work is (still) structured on the assumption that we do it only because we have to. The call center employee is monitored to ensure that he ends each call quickly. The office worker’s keystrokes are overseen to guarantee productivity.”
There is, however, a different way to approach work. And it’s one of my favorite stories from this article:
About 15 years ago, the Yale organizational behavior professor Amy Wrzesniewski and colleagues studied custodians in a major academic hospital. Though the custodians’ official job duties never even mentioned other human beings, many of them viewed their work as including doing whatever they could to comfort patients and their families and to assist the professional staff members with patient care.
They would joke with patients, calm them down so that nurses could insert IVs, even dance for them. They would help family members of patients find their way around the hospital.
The custodians received no financial compensation for this “extra” work. But this aspect of the job, they said, was what got them out of bed every morning. “I enjoy entertaining the patients,” said one. “That’s what I enjoy the most.”
Now, while I can’t tell you these custodians are Christ followers, I can tell you that their attitude reflects the Godly command to all believers to work as if we are working for the Lord. Here’s the way the apostle Paul said it to the Ephesians:
“Servants, respectfully obey your earthly masters but always with an eye to obeying the real master, Christ. Don’t just do what you have to do to get by, but work heartily, as Christ’s servants doing what God wants you to do. And work with a smile on your face, always keeping in mind that no matter who happens to be giving the orders, you’re really serving God. Good work will get you good pay from the Master, regardless of whether you are slave or free.” Ephesians 6: 5-8, The Message
Do that…and your soul should be able to transform any work into a form of service in the most positive of ways. You might even call your work… a labor of love.
And with that…a Happy Labor Day.
That’s The Way WE Work.

 

 

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

 

SEPTEMBER 02, 2015…

 

No Escape—Owen Wilson and family are transferred to the Middle East and before you know it, are in the middle of a military takeover. What to do and how to protect themselves. They don’t speak the language and are the hated Americans. Along comes Pierce Brosnan to help them. The cast includes Lake Bell. “No Escape” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans of the stars.

 

*Note: Pan starring Hugh Jackman is now opening October 9

 

 

SEPTEMBER 04, 2015…

 

*Note: Moved from an earlier date: Jane Got A Gun—This western is set back in pioneer days and tells the story of Jane (Natalie Portman and she fought bad guys in “Star Wars“), who is married and lives on a nice, little ranch.  She catches the eye of the bad guy (Ewan McGregor) and he ends up wounding her husband. Jane needs help, so goes to an old boyfriend, Joel Edgerton, and then the battle begins. “Jane Got A Gun” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans of the stars.

 

Kitchen Sink—As in…“everything but the kitchen sink.“ This is a horror comedy that stars Vanessa Hudgens.  A screamer, you think, well, sort of.  The premise is that of a small town where vampires, humans and zombies peacefully co-exist. Until….aliens invade from space. You read that right. Also in the cast is Ed Westerwek. “Kitchen Sink” is rated R. No rating.

 

Mistress America—Co-written by Greta Gerwig, who also stars, this film is a story of a sister and her half-sister. The younger one, Lola Kirke, is going to college, and the older sister (Gerwig) with unconventional ways, comes to visit. Also in the cast is Heather Lind. “Mistress America” is rated PG 13. No rating.

 

Transporter Refueled—Jason Statham is not with this film series now, so newcomer Ed Skrein, comes on as the “transporter” Frank Martin.  Skrein is an English rapper and beginning an acting career. A Transporter is someone paid to deliver an expensive item (which always meant trouble for Jason Statham.) Also in this cast are Ray Stevenson and Loan Chabanol. “Transporter Refueled” is rated R. No rating.

 

 

SEPTEMBER 09, 2015…

 

Time Out Of Mind stars Richard Gere as a man trying to reconcile with his daughter.

 

 

SEPTEMBER 11, 2015…

 

The Perfect Guy is about finding the right man and then, who is he, really? Stars Sanaa Lathan and Michael Ealy.

 

The Visit is a horror film from M. Night Shyamalan where children have dire adventures visiting grandparents. Stars Olivia DeJonge.

 

Sleeping With Other People was supposed to open August 20 and stars Jason Sudeikis

in a comedy about love.

 

# # # # #

 

 

WARNING:  Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.