September 10, 2016: Saturday ONAIRprep

***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS – FREE TO AIR! (Receive a free customized version specifically for your station or show! Contact me with your ONAIRprep username for details!)

***CREATION MOMENTS MINUTE – FREE TO AIR! (Please contact me to be made an affiliate!)

***LIFE LINES – FREE TO AIR! (Updates automatically weekdays at 8am.)

AND NOW… ON WITH THE SHOW!

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20160910

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

I’m proud to announce that (THE JOCK SHOW) is now closed-captioned for the thinking impaired.

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“The Lord detests lying lips, but He delights in men who are truthful.”  –Proverbs 12:22

As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us. –Psalm 103:12

Teach the older men to be temperate, worthy of respect, self-controlled, and sound in faith, in love, and in endurance. — Titus 2:2

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business and to work with your hands, just as we told you, so that your daily life may win the respect of outsiders and so that you will not be dependent on anybody. — 1 Thessalonians 4:11-12

Thought: What’s your ambition? I don’t know about you, but I’m not so sure I could say my ambition is to “live a quiet life ….” But when I hear the reason for that directive, I understand. So many people I meet are frazzled, run down, and exhausted with all their “busy-ness.” So let’s make a commitment to cycle down a little, trust God more and more each day, and seek to live a life that wins the respect of those around us!

Prayer: O precious and righteous Father, I need your help to learn to slow down and tend to my own responsibilities instead of running around out of control and without purpose. Please grant me not only the wisdom that I have been praying for, but also the patience and quietude that I need for that wisdom to change my heart and mind. In Jesus’ name I ask it. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

Psalm 9:10 NIV = Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you.

TODAY IS SATURDAY – SEPTEMBER 10, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 1
11 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

This is LETTERS FROM MOM WEEK, a time to write notes and cards of encouragement to your children and teens for the new school year.

Today is HOT DOG DAY and NATIONAL WIENER SCHNITZEL DAY.  ***MARLAR: There’s a difference?

Today is NATIONAL TAKE GOOFY PHOTOS DAY. ***MARLAR: Get together with friends and ham it up for the cameras. Or hot dog it!

Today is NATIONAL SWAP IDEAS DAY.

Today is NATIONAL SCAPEGOAT DAY.  ***MARLAR: Someone to blame if swapping ideas backfires on you.

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Farmer’s Consumer Awareness Day

International Drive Your Studebaker Day

National Day of Remembrance for Aborted Children

National Hollerin’ Day

National Iguana Awareness Day

Prairie Day

Swap Ideas Day

Suicide Prevention Day

COMING UP NEXT

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 11

Pet Rock Day

Grandparents’ Day

Libraries Remember Day

Miss America Pageant

National Day of Service and Remembrance

National Hug Your Hound Day

Patriot Day

Remember Freedom Day

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 12

Day for South-South Cooperation

National Boss/Employee Exchange Day

National Programmers Day

Video Games Day

World Maritime Day

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 13

Kids Take Over The Kitchen Day

National Celiac Awareness Day

National Peanut Day

Roald Dahl Day

Scooby-Doo Day

National Pet Memorial Day

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 14

National Kreme Filled Donut Day

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 15

8-Track Tape Day

Felt Hat Day

Google.com Day

Greenpeace Day

International Day of Democracy

International Dot Day

National Cheese Toast Day

RAINN Day (Rape Abuse Incest National Network)

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 16

Anne Dudley Bradstreet Day

Clean Up The World Weekend begins

Constitution Day/ Pledge Across America

International Day for the Preservation of the Ozone Layer )***You add to the carbon dioxide problem just by spouting that long name!)

International Grenache Day

Mayflower Day

National Tattoo Story Day

National Guacamole Day

National POW/MIA Recognition Day

National Trademen Day

Play-Doh Day

Stay Away From Seattle Day

Stepfamily Day

Trail of Tears Commemoration Day

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 17

AKC Responsible Dog Ownership Day

Batman Day

Big Whopper Liar Day

Boys’ and Girl’s Club Day for Kids

Citizenship Day

Constitution Day

International Country Music Day

International Eat An Apple Day

International Coastal Cleanup Day

Locate An Old Friend Day

National Gymnastics Day

National Monte Cristo Day

National Seat Check Saturday

Puppy Mill Awareness Day

Time’s Up Day

VFW Ladies Auxiliary Day

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 18

Air Force Birthday

Chiropractic Founders Day

Hug a Greeting Card Writer Day

National Ceiling Fan Day

National Cheeseburger Day

National HIV/AIDS and Aging Awareness Day

National Respect Day

Wife Appreciation Day

World Water Monitoring Day

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 19

Respect For The Aged Day

Talk Like a Pirate Day

ON THIS DAY

1813: Oliver H. Perry sent his famous message, “We have met the enemy, and they are ours,” after defeating the British in the Battle of Lake Erie in the War of 1812.

1846: Elias Howe of Massachusetts received a patent for his sewing machine.

1897: George Smith drove his taxi into a building in London and would become history’s first convicted drunk driver. He claimed he’d had only two or three beers. ***MARLAR: Yeah… per mile.

1939: Canada declared war on Germany, entering WWII.

1953: The Swanson company sold its first frozen “TV dinner.” ***MARLAR: People weren’t quite sure what to make of it at first. “Why would a TV need to eat?” they thought. But then they saw Jackie Gleason and it all made sense.

1955: Bert Parks hosted The Miss America Pageant for the first time and sang “There She Is, Miss America” to Sharon Kay Ritchie. Parks hosted the pageant for 25 years.

1963: Twenty black students entered public schools in Birmingham, Mobile, and Tuskegee, Alabama, after President John F. Kennedy sent National Guardsman to end the standoff with Alabama Governor George Wallace.

1988: Steffi Graf achieved tennis’ first Grand Slam since Margaret Court in 1970 by winning the U.S. Open women’s final.

1989: Deion Sanders intercepted a pass and scored a touchdown for the Atlanta Falcons. Four days earlier he hit a home run for the Yankees. Two American dreams in one week. ***MARLAR: I thought the American dream was being in debt up to my ears.

1992: Police in Cedarbury, Wisconsin, arrested a 24-year-old man for robbing a Hardee’s restaurant after the bandit had parked his getaway car the wrong direction at the drive-in window, used the restroom at the service station next door, and left his car keys in the restroom. ***MARLAR: Planning, planning, planning.

1998: Zippy Chippy was banished from the Finger Lakes, New York, race track after losing his 85th consecutive race. In fact, the 7-year-old gelding, a fan favorite, had never won a race. Zippy Chippy’s career at Finger Lakes ended when he refused for the third straight time to leave the starting gate. ***MARLAR: Much like me in my recliner at home.

2002: Switzerland became the 190th member of the United Nations.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

422: Celestine is elected pope. During his tenure, he convoked the Council of Ephesus to combat the Nestorian “heresy” (this belief, that Christ had two natures and two persons, was probably more semantic overstatement than heresy) and reportedly sent Patrick to Ireland as a missionary.

1718: Founded in 1701 by Congregationalists who feared Harvard was straying from its Calvinist roots, The Collegiate School at New Haven, Connecticut, changes its name to Yale.

1869: A Baptist minister invents the ricksha in Yokohama, Japan.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • Actor (I Know What You Did Last Summer, Cruel Intentions) Ryan Phillippe, 42

  • Director (Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, Swept Away) Guy Ritchie, 48 (That’s Mr. Madonna to you.)

  • Voice actor (“The Simpson’s” Homer, Krusty the Clown, Mayor Quimby, etc.) Dan Castellaneta 57 (audio clip)

  • Actress (The Crew, Liar Liar, The Fabulous Baker Boys) Jennifer Tilly, 58

  • Actress (Crossing Delancey, Yentl) Amy Irving, 63

  • TV talk host Bill O’Reilly, 67

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1927 : Yma Sumac

1937 : Tommy Overstreet

1942 : Danny Hutton (Three Dog Night)

1945 : José Feliciano

1949 : Barriemore Barlow (Jethro Tull)

1950 : Joe Perry (Aerosmith); Born Anthony Joseph Perry

1950 : Don Powell (Slade)

1951 : Pete Tolson (Pretty Things)

1956 : Johnny Fingers (The Boomtown Rats)

1957 : Siobhan Fahey (Bananarama)

1960 : Dave Lowry (Cracker)

1966 : Miles Zuniga (Fastball)

1966 : Robin Goodridge (Bush)

1968 : Big Daddy Kane

1984 : Matthew Followill (Kings Of Leon)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Did barbershop quartets ever have anything to do with barbershops?

You’ve surely seen barbershop quartets on TV or in the movies. You know, four guys wearing straw hats, harmonizing on such Stone Age favorites as “Sweet Adeline,” “Down by the Old Mill Stream,” or “Sweet Genevieve.” American as apple pie, right? Well, as British as shepherd’s pie is more like it. In Shakespeare’s time a barbershop was a male hangout as well as a place to get one’s haircut. Guys being guys, they indulged in a little Elizabethan doo-wop while awaiting the snip-snip, with someone strumin’ and pluckin’ on a lute. That’s where it all started. Flash forward to barbershops in the American West in the late 19th century. Substitute a banjo for the lute. Add a little man-talk one wouldn’t use at home and some good harmonizing. The haircut was almost incidental. Hummmmmm.

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE! Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

Jamie Grace says food isn’t the key to her happiness but she has noticed a trend. She pointed out: every time I’m smiling, there’s always a taco nearby…

Third Day Road Pastor Nigel James shared Acts 1:8 recently. It says: ‘…you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to ends of the earth.’ Nigel then asked: How are you doing this? How about praying for a nation or ethnic group? Praying for a missionary or pastor overseas? Sending financial support? Going yourself?

Chris Tomlin on the impact of music: I think music is the art form that connects with the soul most quickly.

Some worship humor from the web site We Are Worship UK:

Little boy after church: “Mum, when I grow up I’m gonna play the drums.

His Mum replied: ‘you can’t grow up AND play drums.”

A bit of trivia about Jordan Feliz from Justin Paul. Before his album, “The River,” Jordan was an Uber driver.

Question of the day from Casting Crowns Mark Hall: On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your humility?

A reminder from Third Day Road Pastor Nigel James: Every so often it’s worth checking out our motives for following Jesus…culture? custom? convenience? cool? complacency? Conviction?

From Ryan Stevenson: Somedays, I wish I were 4 again, and I could just wear my rubber boots everywhere, for the rest of my life!

Ever wonder about the gear Newsboys guitarist Jody Davis uses on tour? A new video from the digital tour bus gives you the inside scoop. Check it out as Jodi talks his gear, about building his own guitars, and why he feels simplicity is best. http://digtb.us/2aofedt

Anita Renfroe is encouraging everyone to drink peppermint tea. Why? Because she says it makes your burps nicer.

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. As on ONAIRprep subscriber, you can get a fully-produced, customized version of the Daily Dose of Weird News FREE with a station or show specific tag! Email darren@onairprep.com for details!)

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Meteor Showers”

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Ron McGehee, “Dating”

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE


OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, Marvy Snuffleson and all of the Razzleflabbins on Razzleflabbin Island were running for their lives to get away from someone they called, the Plaid Guy! They’re so scared they’ve built plaid shelters, run numerous emergency plaid drills, and hired a scout to do nothing but stay awake and look for the Plaid Guy!

CLOSE: Oh no! It looks like Marvy isn’t fast enough to stay away from the Plaid Guy! What’s going to happen? Will the plaid guy eat Marvy? Will he eat Marvy’s teddy bear? Will he make Marvy go shopping for plaid shirts? Oh, how gruesome! Tune in next time to find out what happens… As the Jungle Turns!

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF SEPTEMBER 10/11

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, we found out the Plaid Guy – who all the Razzleflabbins had been terrified of for years, was actually a really nice guy! So nice, in fact, that the Razzleflabbins invited him to the barbecue and to the next day’s busy day of playing and singing!

CLOSE: Tune in again next time for another inspiringly inspiring inspiration story from the never-ending deep-jungle soap-opera saga that is, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

If you’re planning on playing paintball, make sure your targets know they’re playing too!

Merced, California’s John McKay, Juan Gonzalez, Nicole Cox, and a 16-year-old friend were having a great time playing paintball. Not having a great time were several passersby they shot at random. Not having fun now are our four paintball playing friends. One person they shot turned out to be Merced County’s top prosecutor. District Attorney Larry Morse II was apparently an unintended target when he was shot in the back. He was uninjured and unamused as he chased the suspects down and will prosecute them on a felony charge of conspiracy and misdemeanor battery.

TOP TEN

THE TEN MOST COMMON FORMS OF OFFICE ILLNESS

  • The Macy’s One Day Sale Flu.

  • The Drivers License Renewal Appointment 24-Hour Virus.

  • The Friday-Afternoon-Start-The-Weekend-Early Sudden Unbearable Stomach Pains.

  • The I’m Looking for a New Job and I Don’t Know How Long It’s Going to Take, but I Want To Stay On The Payroll Until Then Mysterious Infection.

  • The My Spouse Got the Week Off So Suddenly I’m Too Contagious To Come In To The Office Disease.

  • The I Need a Hair Cut and My Stylist Doesn’t Make Evening Appointments Bout of Influenza.

  • The There’s No Federal Holidays for Two Months and I Want a Day Off Sickness.

  • The It’s Spring Break and I Want To Pretend I’m a Teenager Again General Ailment.

  • The I’ve Messed Up Royally and I Won’t Come In To Face the Music Terminal Illness.

  • The I Really Am Sick and I’ve Got The Doctor’s Bills and the Completed Medical Expense Reimbursement Forms to Prove It Infirmity.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Ever had any “Red Bull”?  Be careful – it could cause you to commit crimes!

FILE #1: You’ve probably seen the ads for the energy drink Red Bull. You know… Red Bull, it’ll give you wings. That’s because Red Bull is basically a big can of caffeine. And now, in Darwin, England, a 17-year-old boy who robbed a supermarket of $17,000 at knife point says it’s because he drank too much Red Bull and went crazy. He claims he had 11 cans which doctors told the court is more than twice the caffeine needed to cause significant toxic effects possibly creating a blurring between fantasy and reality. His lawyer says since committing the crime he no longer drinks Red Bull or has had any caffeine for that matter. Justice Steven Bailey said caffeine intoxication might explain but did not excuse the crime. The boy pleaded guilty. Judge Bailey gave him a 4-year suspended jail sentence.

FILE #2: A 34-year-old saleswoman was caught driving down a Swiss motorway while she was using her laptop computer and chatting on a handheld mobile phone, police in northeastern Switzerland said. The driver said she was unaware of any wrongdoing and responded that she was “driving like I always do”, police in the canton of St Gallen said in a statement. A police patrol pulled her over after they saw her car zig-zagging along the A3 motorway near the town of Murg. The woman was remanded to magistrate’s court because of her “unreasonable behavior”, police said.

FILE #3: Lorain, Ohio, police officer Joseph Kopronica pulled over a van because it appeared “out of control.” He said the driver, Nancy M. Lang, 42, appeared drunk. But if he hadn’t noticed that, Lang may have given him a clue: “Please give me a break,” she asked him. “I’m drunk.” After failing a field sobriety test, he told Lang she was under arrest. She protested “Wait: I can do this!” and proceeded to do jumping jacks and a push-up. When she started to do a cartwheel, Kopronica stopped her, for her safety and for the officer’s.  Lang has been charged with speeding, driving under the influence of alcohol, driving with a suspended license, and driving with expired license plates.  ***MARLAR: Any calisthenics can and will be used against you in a court of law.

STRANGE LAW: In Newark, New Jersey, it is illegal to sell ice cream after 6pm, unless the customer has a note from his doctor.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

This is your mail on drugs. 

Here’s another what-was-he-thinking story. Authorities in Northern California report they busted Steven Coburn for mailing marijuana, thanks to his return address on the package. Investigators say the Mill Valley man mailed a-half pound of pot through a private shipping company but forgot to put the address on it. In accordance with procedure, workers opened the package to see if the label had been accidentally sealed inside. When workers discovered the weed, they called the cops. Coburn has been released on bail, after being charged with suspicion of drug possession for sale.  And because he used the U.S. Postal Service for his attempted delivery, it becomes a FEDERAL offense!  Nice job, Steve.

PHONER PHUN

September 10, 1955: Bert Parks hosted The Miss America Pageant for the first time and sang “There She Is, Miss America” to Sharon Kay Ritchie. Parks hosted the pageant for 25 years.

PHONER IDEA – Get listeners to call in and sing “There She Is, Miss America” for a prize. Should be pretty funny – if they can even remember the song!

Over in England a woman told a TV host that she has a fear of sunflowers. Yep, those big, tall flowers we get a wonderful snack from. After revealing her fear they brought one out. What odd thing creeps you out?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: What bird did Jesus use to teach us that God will care for us?
ANSWER: The sparrow. (“Are not two sparrows sold for a copper coin? And not one of them falls to the ground apart from your father’s will. But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Do not fear therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows.” –Matthew 10:29-31)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: What was the average life expectancy of an Egyptian about 3,000 years ago?

ANSWER: Most Egyptians died by the time they were 30.

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. An average person uses the bathroom 9 times per day. (False – six)

2. The fastest growing hair on the body is on the legs. (False – beards. If the average man never trimmed his beard, it would grow to nearly 30 feet long in his lifetime.)

3. Every human spent about three hours as a single cell. (False – 30 minutes)

4. Every person has a unique tongue print. (True)

5. Every square inch of the human body has an average of 32 million bacteria on it. (True)

6. Every time you lick a stamp, you’re consuming about one calorie. (False – one tenth of a calorie)

7. The ostrich has the biggest eyes of any animal. (False it’s the giant squie, with eyes that measure 40 centimeters – or 16 inches – in diameter)

8. Domestic cats purr at the same frequency as a diesel engine. (True – about 26 cycles per second)

9. Dr. Seuss coined the word “nerd”. (True – in his 1950 book, If I Ran the Zoo)

10. A person at rest generates as much heat as a 25-watt lightbulb. (False – a 100-watt lightbulb! So don’t let anyone call you dim!)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

“Cows Stampede When Brought to _________!”  (MCDONALD’S)

In West Haven, Utah, eight cows escaped and started a mild stampede when the rear gate of their trailer accidentally opened as the driver pulled into a McDonald’s! It took two hours to round the cows back up in what sheriff’s deputies called, “Operation Hamburger Helper.” 

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city’s most successful lawyer.  So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.  The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, “Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don’t give a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?”

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, “First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?”

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, “Uh… no, I didn’t know that.”

“Secondly,” says the lawyer, “my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is not able to support his wife and six children.”

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

“Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister’s husband died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?”

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, “I’m so sorry, I had no idea.”

And the lawyer says, “So…if I didn’t give any money to them, what makes you think I’d give any to you?”

JOKE #2

My sister landed a good job with an accounting firm, and after a while she got a generous raise. The day she found out about it, her husband picked her up from work, and they stopped for ice cream. As they continued home, my sister blurted out, “Isn’t it hard to believe that I have a job that pays this much money?”

Just then, she went to toss the last of her ice cream cone out the window. However, the window was closed, and it smacked against the glass.

Her husband replied calmly, “Yes.”

JOKE #3

The navy psychiatrist was interviewing a potential sailor. To check on the young man’s response to trouble, the psychiatrist asked, “What would you do if you looked out of that window right now and saw a battleship coming down the street?”

The baby sailor said, “I’d grab a torpedo and sink it.”

“Where would you get the torpedo?”

“The same place you got your battleship!”

USELESS FACTS

Thomas More, King Henry VIII’s Chancellor, is one of history’s most famous martyrs. The King ordered him beheaded because More would not violate his conscience in order to do his monarch’s bidding. Now here’s a little-known sidelight to that story: Henry knew that More loved to speak and ordered him not to be long-winded at the executioner’s block. But More had plenty to say at the last minute. And why not? He knew his head would be cut off anyway.

During the Cold War the Brits and Americans built what is thought to be the longest tunnel ever constructed for the purposes of spying. They began in West Berlin and dug 1,476 feet into East Berlin, intending to tap into underground cables used by the Communists to send messages. What the intelligence agencies of both countries have suppressed to this day is an embarrassing fact: when a small test hole was dug to the surface, what they saw was not the Berlin Wall but the Eiffel Tower.

FEATURED FUNNIES

What’s for Dinner?
Bernie had a fight with Rachel, his wife, and went to the movies to cool off. Later that evening, he decided to phone home to see what the situation was and maybe even apologize.
“Hello, darling,” he said, “what are you making for dinner?”
Rachel shrieks, “What am I making for dinner? After all the horrible things you said to me earlier, you want to know what I am making for dinner? Poison, that’s what I’m making! Poison!”
Bernie replies, “Okay then, just make one portion, I’m not coming home.

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

I’M NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE

We may live in a microwave “instant gratification” society, but some things we have no choice but to wait for – such as new furniture to be delivered.  One woman was tired of being patient and took matters into her own hands.
In our fast-paced society, we often have a difficult time waiting for things. Gillian Kennedy of Bristol, England, decided she just couldn’t wait any longer for the furniture she ordered and took matters into her own hands. After being told the dresser she ordered 10 weeks ago was still not in and was on backorder from Malaysia, Gillian stormed the furniture store. With a screwdriver in hand she spent 30 minutes taking apart the display model of the dresser she wanted and put the pieces in her car. Walking out the door she yelled to the store’s staff, “Don’t you dare try to stop me!” And they didn’t!

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION
The Buzzard, The Bat, and the Bumblebee

If you put a buzzard in a pen six or eight feet square and entirely open at the top, the bird, in spite of his ability to fly, will be an absolute prisoner. The reason is that a buzzard always begins a flight from the ground with a run of ten or twelve feet. Without space to run, as is his habit, he will not even attempt to fly, but will remain a prisoner for life in a small jail with no top.

The ordinary bat that flies around at night, a remarkable nimble creature in the air, cannot take off from a level place. If it is placed on the floor or flat ground, all it can do is shuffle about helplessly and, no doubt, painfully, until it reaches some slight elevation from which it can throw itself into the air. Then, at once, it takes off like a flash.

A Bumblebee if dropped into an open tumbler will be there until it dies, unless it is taken out. It never sees the means of escape at the top, but persists in trying to find some way out through the sides near the bottom. It will seek a way where none exists, until it completely destroys itself.

In many ways, there are lots of people like the buzzard, the bat and the bee. They are struggling about with all their problems and frustrations, not realizing that the answer is right there above them.

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

“Mom,” asked the little boy, “Didn’t you say we came from dust and someday we will all return to dust?” Mom smiled, “Why, yes, Son. I did. What makes you ask?” “Well,” the little tyke continued, “there’s a lot of people under my bed right now–and I just wanted to know if they were coming or going!” You smile and relate–for unless you’re some kind of neat freak, you’ve got little people coming and going under YOUR bed, dresser, sofa and TV too, just like me! Now DUST wouldn’t normally have a devastating effect on me–I can live with a little, and so can you!! But when your allergy doctor sticks your back with food, chemicals, grasses, weeds–AND dust–and you come up DUST, you sit up, say, “Please let me scratch,” and listen a little more closely! Now I exaggerate a little ’cause my case is not a bad one, but I’m learning a lot! You see, these DUST MITES–the little critters you can only see with a microscope–actually feast off our dead skin cells–in bedding, drapes, carpeting, stuffed animals–in MY house and yours. Frankly, I could certainly think of far better things to eat–yuk! In any event, they are mighty little things that can cost you money–and bring a little bit of madness along the way as you rush for the allergy pills, the nose sprays, the dust-busters and the catalogs with allergy-free comforters! Little microscopic monsters that will mess up your sinus cavities, your throat, your ears, your breathing, your voice, your head–and your life–if you let them!

Can’t help but remind me of some other “mighty mites” that march down the street and mess up our lives and homes–mighty mad mites of sins, stress, sadness, sickness……one little mite on top of another, until we are a basket case, running for cover…DON’T – for that’s where the mad mighty mites reside–IN THE COVERS–grin–go read the books! And now, get out the Good Book, read a Psalm; put on a praise-and-worship tape; calm down; find something funny in the whole little mess–and see how the mighty mad little mites will march right out of your home and life–as the Might of God’s power and Spirit put them to flight! Don’t let the little stresses and messes of life BUG you. After all, in the light of eternity, how BIG are those little mites after all….not VERY….especially in view of the great big God we serve. So after you’re all done washing your bedding, your blankets, your drapes, your carpets, don’t forget to wash YOURSELF in the Water of God’s Word…..let the mites, the bites, the fights, the blights–whatever the devil is magnifying in YOUR life, be gone as His cleansing Word fills your heart and life.

March on, little mites….you’re not wanted here, there or anywhere where God’s children are serving the Lord. We stand together against the “little mites” that mess up our lives. We gladly watch them MARCH OUT at the mention of HIS Name–and we move on to breathe deeply the fragrance of His love and His marvelous joy in our lives!

Now believe it–strike up the band and watch the little mites march right out of your life–in the Name of the Lord!

LEFTOVERS

SUDDEN DEATH

Could it be that God still strikes people dead instantaneously?  Does God still smite people?  You might question that after hearing our next story.

Ask 35-year-old Kim Russell of Somerset, England. Kim had been carrying on an Internet-based romance and planned to finally meet her chat-room boyfriend. She was so excited about the rendezvous she walked out on her husband and two children two days earlier. So after walking into the hotel room to meet this guy, for the very first time, she immediately collapsed and died right on the spot. The coroner’s inquest found no evidence of foul play and simply labeled the death “sudden death syndrome.”

LIFE… LIVE IT

FIGHTING FAT WITH FAT

It’s the latest idea in combating obesity… fighting fat with fat!

Researchers at the Dana-Farber Cancer Institute and the Joslin Diabetes Center, both in Boston, have discovered that brown fat cells – the “good” kind of fat that burns energy and keeps us warm – may lead to new treatments for obesity. Conventional white fat – the “bad” fat – stores energy. A person who is obese has large stores of white fat, and researchers think if they can coax the body into making more brown fat, they might be able to help obese people lose weight. ***MARLAR: I’m doing what I can to get just brown fat by eating only fatty foods that are brown… like doughnuts, cheeseburgers, chocolate shakes… all brown!

JUST FOR FUN

HIGHWAY TO HEAVEN

We all know what the best way is to get to Heaven… but one man is about to find the FASTEST way to get there… ON PURPOSE!

It’s not exactly a highway to heaven, but an inventor believes it will work. Wacky German inventor Bernard Muller plans to get to heaven by catapulting himself there. The man intends to strap himself into a specially designed catapult which will send him to paradise. Most people in town think he’s nuts but the professor insists there’s a method to his madness.  ***MARLAR: Sounds to me like his plan will work – he’ll make it to the other side alright.

FUN LIST

SIGNS YOU’VE BEEN ON THE COMPUTER WAY TOO LONG

  • You say LOL, LOL, LOL instead of laughing.

  • You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an instant message to.

  • Your voice mail greeting to callers sounds a little like this….”BRB. Leave your S/N and I’ll TTYL ASAP”.

  • You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.

  • You end your sentences with…..three or more periods…….

  • Being called a “newbie” is a major insult to you.

  • You’re talking on the phone and say BRB.

  • You need to be pried from your computer by the Jaws-of- life.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

 25 SIGNS YOU’RE HEARING A LIE

It’s possible to determine if that person is lying to you just by carefully watching for clues.

According to Sheri and Bob Stritof, authors of “Your Guide to Marriage” on About.com, there are specific verbal and nonverbal clues we all give when we tell a fib. While few people would exhibit all ofthese, it’s the rare person who can tell a lie and not exhibit some of them.

  1. Touching the chin or rubbing the brow

  2. Crossed arms or legs

  3. Playing with hair

  4. A line of perspiration on the brow if it isn’t a warm day

  5. Saying “no” several times

  6. Continually denying accusations

  7. Being extremely defensive

  8. Providing more information and specifics than necessary

  9. Inconsistencies in what is being shared

  10. Body language and facial expressions don’t match what is being said such as saying “no,” but nodding the head up and down

  11. Smugness

  12. Placing a barrier, such as a desk or chair, in front of self

  13. Uncommon calmness

  14. Unwillingness to touch spouse during conversation

  15. Being hesitant

  16. Slouching posture

  17. Rigidity or fidgeting

  18. Differing behaviors; not acting in a usual fashion

  19. Unnatural or limited arm and hand movements

  20. Partial shrug

  21. Lack of finger pointing

  22. Unusual voice fluctuations, word choice, sentence structure

  23. Stalling the conversation by repetitive use of pauses and comments like “um” or “you know”

  24. Lack of use of contractions; prefers emphasizing “not” when talking

  25. Avoidance of eye contact, eyes glancing to the right, staring past you, or turning away from you while talking.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

A high school in South Carolina that barred students from bringing American flags to sporting events after they were allegedly used to taunt Hispanic students from another school, has since reversed its decision. According to the Christian Post, Travelers Rest High School Principal Lou Lavely insisted that he has “the utmost respect for our flag,” but argued that using it to display unsportsmanlike behavior is in itself “improper and disrespectful to our flag.” However, he agreed to reverse his position following an ‘uproar’ from members of the community. Officials stated that, “Instead of restricting possession of the flag, the TRHS administration will, if needed, address the misuse of the flag, or any other inappropriate behavior, on an individual basis.” http://ow.ly/uHf7303L8zn

If you’re an animal lover – specifically a dog lover – you’ll also love this story!  A happy ending to a lost dog story. According a Yahoo News, Edward Casas was boating in the middle of Lake Michigan with his wife when their son’s 10-month-old puppy, Rylee, fell overboard. By the time the couple realized he was gone the dog was no where to be seen. Edward called a lost dog search team but the night went by with no sightings. It wasn’t until the next morning that someone reported seeing the dog. Officials say Rylee swam over six miles and then walked another 12 miles through the woods before he was tracked down and returned to his owners. http://abcn.ws/2bS3Uud

When he was 2, Jeremy Shuler was reading books in English and Korean. At 6, he was studying calculus. Now, according to Yahoo news, at an age when most kids are attending middle school, the exuberant 12-year-old is a freshman at Cornell University, the youngest the Ivy League school has on record. Jeremy is the home-schooled child of two aerospace engineers who were living in Grand Prairie, Texas, when he applied to Cornell. While Jeremy’s elite-level SAT and Advanced Placement test scores in math and science at age 10 showed he was intellectually ready for college, Collins said what sealed the deal was his parents’ willingness to move to Ithaca. Jeremy’s father, Andy Shuler, transferred from Lockheed Martin in Texas to its location in upstate New York. http://yhoo.it/2bKgTM4

Television and movie star Kevin Sorbo is working on a new film about an atheist who, upon experiencing a near-death experience, converts to Christianity. According to the Christian Post, the movie is titled “Let There Be Light.” The film is in production and recently completed a shoot in Birmingham, Alabama.Sorbo’s wife Sam co-wrote the script for “Let There Be Light.” Sorbo also played an atheist in the surprise 2014 box office hit “God’s Not Dead.” There he played a professor who demands that all his students conclude that God is not real only to be challenged by a young Christian man. http://ow.ly/26Mg303UGAH

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Why is it that they sell lemon juice with artificial ingredients, yet lemon floor polish is made with real lemon juice? What’s that all about? I want real lemon for my iced tea so now I drink it with a twist of Mop ‘n Glow.”

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

SEPTEMBER 09, 2016…

The Wild Life—Here is another version of “Robinson Crusoe.”  This time, the film is animated and concerns the animals who peacefully live on the island until a human is washed ashore. They decide to help, but soon pirates are there, too. Voice of Colin Metzger. “The Wild Life” is rated PG. Rating of 2 for animation fans.

When The Bough Breaks—A couple who can’t conceive a child decide on a surrogate mother. Things don’t go smoothly here, at all.  Morris Chestnut and Regina Hall are the would-be parents, while Jaz Sinclair is the surrogate mother. “When The Bough Breaks” is rated PG 13. No rating.

Sully—It had to happen, a film about the heroic landing of a passenger plane on the Hudson River in 2009. Tom Hanks is Captain Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger, gray hair and all, and we see what happened before, during and after the plane went down. Clint Eastwood directs. Also in the cast are Aaron Eckhart and Laura Linney. “Sully” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

Before I Wake—Jacob Tremblay is a little boy without a family.  He is taken into a foster home and then adopted.  However, he has a problem.  He is afraid to go to sleep, fearing monsters.  Can he be helped? Also in the cast are Kate Bosworth and Thomas Jane. “Before I Wake” is rated PG 13.

(New Opening Date) Morgan—is a science fiction film about creating artificial life and decided whether to keep it or terminate it. Stars Kate Mara, Toby Jones, Michelle Yeoh and Anya Taylor-Joy. “Morgan” is rated PG 13. No rating.

SEPTEMBER 16, 2016…

Mr. Church is a different role for Eddie Murphy as he takes on the persona of a caring person helping a young girl and her sick mother.

Blair Witch is a sequel to the 1999 film with relatives of those disappeared going into the same wood area. Stars James Allan McCune.

Operation Avalanche concerns a government cover-up. Stars Matt Johnson.

Bridget Jones’s Baby and here is Renee Zellweger back as Bridget and pregnant. Who is the father?

Snowden has been put together by Oliver Stone and stars Joseph Gordon-Levitt as Snowden, the whistle-blower.

# # # # #

WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.