September 12, 2016: Monday ONAIRprep

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AND NOW… ON WITH THE SHOW!

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20160912

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Welcome to (THE JOCK SHOW), where we’re always nice to the little people… because we are them. 

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.” –Philippians 4:11

Hear my prayer, O LORD; listen to my cry for mercy. In the day of my trouble I will call to you, for you will answer me. –Psalm 86:6-7

I lift up my eyes to the hills — where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth. — Psalm 121:1-2

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

Do not turn to mediums or seek out spiritists, for you will be defiled by them. I am the LORD your God. — Leviticus 19:31

Thought: Our world has a re-emerging fascination with the occult and the world of demons and witchcraft. It’s easy for us to react in one of two dangerous ways: to downplay the reality of these things or to dabble in them as matters of entertainment or amusement. God wants us to know that these fascinations are dangerous because the evil entities behind them are real and when we involve ourselves in them, they defile us. God alone is God and is to be worshiped without rival by his people.

Prayer: Holy and magnificent God, thank you for breaking the power and hold of evil powers through Jesus’ crucifixion and resurrection. Please deliver those whom I know and love that are entrapped in one way or another with a fascination with false gods and deceiving and destructive spirits. Empower your Church with your Spirit; please cleanse us and make us a holy people, undefiled and ready for your service. In the name of the Lord Jesus I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

Genesis 9:12 NIV = And God said, “This is the sign of the covenant I am making between me and you and every living creature with you, a covenant for all generations to come:

TODAY IS MONDAY – SEPTEMBER 12, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 1
09 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is VIDEO GAMES DAY, a day for kids to thank their parents for all the cartridges and quarters.  ***MARLAR: Of course, nowadays it’d be more appropriate to thank them for the Wii – but that just sounds nasty when you say it out loud.

Today is NATIONAL CHOCOLATE MILKSHAKE DAY. ***MARLAR: Energy for playing video games!

Today is LASSIE DAY, marking the debut of the TV show on this date in 1954. Through the years, the cast included six different Lassies, Tommy Rettig, Cloris Leachman, and June Lockhart. (audio clip)

LOVE A MENSCH WEEK begins today. ***MARLAR: I had to look this one up, as I had not a clue what a mensch was.  According to the dictionary, a mensch is, “A person having admirable characteristics, such as fortitude and firmness of purpose.”  So now your job is to go out and find somebody that fits that description and shake their hand, tell them “thanks for being such a mensch” and see what kind of response you get.

This is NATIONAL NO BULLY WEEK, a time in which no one is bullied at school, at work, or in society.  ***MARLAR: People bullies can’t stand? Mensches. What a fun day this is going to be.

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Day for South-South Cooperation

National Boss/Employee Exchange Day

National Programmers Day

Video Games Day

World Maritime Day

COMING UP NEXT

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 13

Kids Take Over The Kitchen Day

National Celiac Awareness Day

National Peanut Day

Roald Dahl Day

Scooby-Doo Day

National Pet Memorial Day

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 14

National Kreme Filled Donut Day

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 15

8-Track Tape Day

Felt Hat Day

Google.com Day

Greenpeace Day

International Day of Democracy

International Dot Day

National Cheese Toast Day

RAINN Day (Rape Abuse Incest National Network)

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 16

Anne Dudley Bradstreet Day

Clean Up The World Weekend begins

Constitution Day/ Pledge Across America

International Day for the Preservation of the Ozone Layer )***You add to the carbon dioxide problem just by spouting that long name!)

International Grenache Day

Mayflower Day

National Tattoo Story Day

National Guacamole Day

National POW/MIA Recognition Day

National Trademen Day

Play-Doh Day

Stay Away From Seattle Day

Stepfamily Day

Trail of Tears Commemoration Day

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 17

AKC Responsible Dog Ownership Day

Batman Day

Big Whopper Liar Day

Boys’ and Girl’s Club Day for Kids

Citizenship Day

Constitution Day

International Country Music Day

International Eat An Apple Day

International Coastal Cleanup Day

Locate An Old Friend Day

National Gymnastics Day

National Monte Cristo Day

National Seat Check Saturday

Puppy Mill Awareness Day

Time’s Up Day

VFW Ladies Auxiliary Day

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 18

Air Force Birthday

Chiropractic Founders Day

Hug a Greeting Card Writer Day

National Ceiling Fan Day

National Cheeseburger Day

National HIV/AIDS and Aging Awareness Day

National Respect Day

Wife Appreciation Day

World Water Monitoring Day

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 19

Respect For The Aged Day

Talk Like a Pirate Day

ON THIS DAY

1609: Henry Hudson began his exploration of the Hudson River.

1910: Alice Wells became the first Los Angeles policewoman with full arrest powers. Even in uniform, Alice was accused of misusing her husband’s badge to ride the streetcar free, until L.A. finally issued her “Policewoman’s Badge #1.”

1953: Future President John F. Kennedy married Jacqueline Bouvier.

1966: The Monkees invaded television. The hand-picked-for-TV group lasted until 1969 and continued in re-runs for many years as something of a cult favorite. (audio clip)

1977: South African black civil rights leader Steven Biko died while in police custody.

1981: The Antique Doorknob Collectors of America was founded in Waverly, Iowa. Today it’s headquartered in Eola, Illinois.

1992: Dr. Mae Carol Jemison became the first black woman in space aboard the Space Shuttle Endeavour.

1999: Indonesia announced it would allow an international peacekeeping force to restore order to East Timor.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1729: John W. Fletcher, early Methodist theologian, is born. During the Calvinism-Arminianism controversy within Methodism in the mid-eighteenth century, Fletcher became the chief defender of evangelical Arminianism. John Wesley hoped Fletcher would be his successor, but Fletcher died six years before Wesley.

1788: Alexander Campbell, one of the founders of the Disciples of Christ and the Church of Christ, is born in Ballymena, Ireland.

1922: The American Episcopal church votes to excise the words “to obey” from its wedding service’s marriage vows.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • American Idol singer Ruben Studdard 38
  • Actress (Robin Hood: Men In Tights, “Wings”) Amy Yasbeck 52 (audio clip)
  • Original MTV VJ (beginning in 1981), Nina Blackwood, 61
  • Actor (“Bosom Buddies”, “Newhart”) Peter Scolari, 62 (audio clip)
  • Actress (Sue Ellen Shepard Ewing on “Dallas”, Hillary Michaels on “Melrose Place”) Linda Gray, 76 (audio clip)

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1929 : Kenny Dino

1931 : George Jones

1933 : Maria Muldaur

1938 : Judy Clay

1944 : Barry White

1952 : Neal Peart (Rush)

1952 : Gerry Beckley (America)

1956 : Barry Andrews (XTC)

1957 : Hans Zimmer

1957 : Pat Dinizio (The Smithereens)

1966 : Ben Folds (Ben Folds Five)

1972 : Liam Gallagher (Oasis)

1977 : Paul McCartney’s son, James is born.

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Who invented the refrigerator, and when did it first become available to consumers?

Scottish scientist William Cullen, in 1748, discovered that the liquid ethyl ether, allowed to evaporate in a partial vacuum, cooled its surroundings. Americans in the early 19th century substituted the rapid expansion of a gas for the evaporation of a liquid as the coolant. With the widespread availability of electricity at the beginning of the 20th century, the time was ripe for the debut of the household appliance that we know. It arrived in 1913. Now grab me a cold Pepsi, will ya?

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE! Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

Our question of the day comes from Jon Steingard. He posted: Sit down and think about your life. Really step back and look at the big picture. Isn’t there so much to be grateful for?

Casting Crowns Melodee Devevo posted: God help me be a doer and not just a heater only. That post was quickly followed by another. It said: I’m really starting to hate auto correct!

Sidewalk Prophets guitarist Ben McDonald posted over the weekend: Facebook is down…time to do something productive. His response: start sending updates on twitter.

Mandisa is wondering if there is such a thing as a Puppy Biological Clock. She posted this week: I’ve never wanted a dog, but my heart tugs every time I see one lately. Mandisa added: They should make a puppy babysitting service. I’m not ready to commit, but think I could handle a weekend or so.

Natalie Grant and Danny Gokey will ring in this year’s holiday season together on the Celebrate Christmas Tour. Launching Dec. 1, the Celebrate Christmas Tour is scheduled to hit 11 cities. They will make stops in Alabama, Texas, Indiana, Michigan, Wisconsin, Illinois and Louisiana before concluding December 18 in Nashville, Tennessee.

Ryan Stevenson posted this week: As a kid growing up in Oregon, my dream was to be a pro MLB baseball player. At a recent show Ryan got the next best thing. He shared that he got to meet a childhood MLB hero, Greg Gagne, at the show. Ryan said: I watched him destroy my Atlanta Braves in the 91 World Series when he played for the Minnesota Twins. Such an awesome guy!

Mercyme’s Bart Millard is a big fan of popcorn. He posted this week: Dear whichever ancient person that figured out popcorn, Thank you from the depths of my heart.

Blanca is finally getting back on her feet. She posted earlier: I haven’t done my hair or put makeup on in a week cause I’ve been feeling under the weather. Today’s the 1st day I’m starting to feel better! However, she might have tried to come back to soon. She posted the following morning: Lost my voice last night on tour. Blanca says prayers for her recovery would be appreciated.

Mercyme’s Mike Scheuchzer and fellow artist Jeremy Camp continue to spar over their golfing game. During a concert stop in Oregon, both artist hit the links for 18 holes. Following their game Mike posted a picture confirming that he had actually out driven Jeremy off the tee. In response, Jeremy shared that he wasn’t at the top of his game because he didn’t have his own driver. Mike’s response: that’s fair… I’ll blame my tall socks for the other 17 holes that you destroyed me on.

NeedToBreathe will be returning to Conan on Monday (TONIGHT) to perform a new track from their latest album Hard Love.

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. As on ONAIRprep subscriber, you can get a fully-produced, customized version of the Daily Dose of Weird News FREE with a station or show specific tag! Email darren@onairprep.com for details!)

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

Mosquitoes pick their victims by scent and can sniff out an attractive human target as far away as forty miles.  *** So you’re good so long as you’re always within 40-miles of a can of OFF.

A Nigerian man is being charged for “breach of peace” because he named his dog after the country’s president. Making it worse, the man painted the Nigerian president’s name on both sides of the dog and paraded it up and down a busy street.  ***In Nigeria this is considered a crime.  In America it’s a typical day on Ted Nugent’s ranch.

A politician in Norway (Trine Skei Grande) was caught playing Pokémon Go during a Foreign Affairs and Defense meeting. She would ask a question and then turn back to her game.  ***Well, it was a DEFENSE meeting – and the world is obviously in danger of being overrun with Pokemon.  Sounds to me like she was just doing research on her enemy.

A UK restaurant has already put up all of its Christmas stuff. The Harvester in Gloucester, England, has erected a fully-decorated Christmas tree. A nearby sign reads: “It’s Christmas!” Another sign says “Booking now for Christmas.”  ***This would be interesting, maybe even appalling, if I didn’t already buy Christmas decorations at Walmart over the weekend.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

So… how is your credit card debt?  American credit card holders in their late 20s and early 30s have more debt than older consumers, repay it more slowly and risk dying in debt if they don’t curb their spending habits.  With this new study researchers found that people born between 1980 and 1984 have on average $5,689 more debt than their parents had at the same stage of their lives, and $8,156 more than their grandparents.  ***MARLAR: You know your son or daughter is in big financial trouble when they say, “I can’t be broke – I haven’t maxed out my Discover Card yet!”

A recent study shows that support for school prayer has steadily decreased among most Americans since the 1970s with the exception of two groups: evangelicals and older Americans.  University of Nebraska-Lincoln sociologist Philip Schwadel concludes from examining studies over the past 30-plus years that overall support for school prayer has declined – even among Catholics and mainline Protestants.  ***MARLAR: Except on test days at school, at which point student prayer spikes by 98%.

New research shows that crocodiles can climb trees. ***So, maybe I’ve finally found an answer to my squirrel problem.

American adults have a significantly higher rate of obesity than their neighbors to the north, a recent study says.  About 24 percent of Canadians are obese compared to more than 34 percent of Americans, according to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.  ***MARLAR: We’re number one!  USA!  USA!

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Meteor Showers”

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Ron McGehee, “Dating”

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE


OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, Marvy Snuffleson and all of the Razzleflabbins on Razzleflabbin Island were running for their lives to get away from someone they called, the Plaid Guy! They’re so scared they’ve built plaid shelters, run numerous emergency plaid drills, and hired a scout to do nothing but stay awake and look for the Plaid Guy!

CLOSE: Oh no! It looks like Marvy isn’t fast enough to stay away from the Plaid Guy! What’s going to happen? Will the plaid guy eat Marvy? Will he eat Marvy’s teddy bear? Will he make Marvy go shopping for plaid shirts? Oh, how gruesome! Tune in next time to find out what happens… As the Jungle Turns!

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF SEPTEMBER 17/18

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name) and (Station Call Letters) bring you another inspiringly inspiring inspiration story from the never-ending deep-jungle soap-opera saga that is, As the Jungle Turns!

CLOSE: So we have a new story, about having a story – but the story hasn’t begun yet because everyone wants the story to be about them. Or maybe that IS the story. Whatever… find out next time, As the Jungle Turns.

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

Today’s Moment of Duh proves that the old saying “the early bird gets the worm” isn’t always a fool-proof way to live.

From Wiggins, Colorado comes the story of an inDUHvidual who had a plan to rob a bright, shiny new ATM machine located in the entryway of the High Plains National Bank. He crashed his car through the front doors of the bank, in the process knocking the ATM over. He then went to work on the machine, prying it open. Much to his surprise there was no cash to be found inside. Not one bill. The newly installed ATM had not yet been loaded with cash. In fact, it hadn’t even been plugged in yet. Our inDUHvidual left empty handed.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN TODDLER PROPERTY LAWS

  • If I like it, it’s mine.
  • If it’s in my hands, it’s mine.
  • If I can take it from you, it’s mine.
  • If I had it a week ago, it’s mine.
  • If it’s mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
  • If I’m doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.
  • If it looks just like mine, it’s mine.
  • If I think it’s mine, it’s mine.
  • If it is near me, it’s mine.
  • If it’s broccoli, it’s yours.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

A cop setting up a speed trap falls into the trap of those upset about the speed trap!

FILE #1: Sarasota (Fla.) County Sheriff’s Deputy Tim Czachur recently drove his cruiser to a familiar spot to take a turn watching for speeders. The patrol car immediately rolled into a neatly created hole about 5 feet by 5 feet, which was disguised by someone’s having laid palm fronds and oak branches across it. Officer Czachur says, “Someone must have been ticketed and got upset.”

FILE #2: 36 year old Kristopher Ward and his common law wife, Christina Chastain, recently moved into a nice two-story $175,000 house. Like everyone else who moves into a new home, they had the phone connected, the water, cable, electricity, answering machine, computer, refrigerator, etc. A Real estate agent drove by the house after they had moved in and noticed something strange about the whole scenario. Randy Sons later called the police and told them that property, that was supposed to be vacant, was anything but. Police arrived at the home and issued Ward and Chastain summonses for trespassing. Ward had apparently noticed the house empty and decided to move in – they’d been there about a month.

FILE #3: An elusive thief has broken into the Amendt baking goods factory in Monroe, Michigan 3 times in the past 2 weeks. Each time, getting away with about 50 pounds of chocolate chips. The latest break-in was discovered when workers found chips scattered across an office floor and an open newspaper on a desk. The stolen goods are worth about $100.

STRANGE LAW: The town of Hood River, Oregon prohibits the act of juggling without a license.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

It was supposed to be the happiest day of their lives. Instead, their wedding day ended with a brawl. Police were called when a fight broke out at a couple’s wedding reception in Westlake, Ohio. The fight started when the bride’s father introduced his new son-in-law by the wrong name. It ended with about 10 police officers trying to calm the guests down. The bridegroom’s father and a friend of the groom were charged with drunken disorderly conduct. No one was seriously hurt. 

PHONER PHUN

Were you ever bullied as a kid? What did the bully do to you? Did you ever turn the tables on the bully?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Ruth and Boaz had a son named _____.

ANSWER: Obed (Ruth 4:13-17)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: How many years would it take to get to one billion seconds?

ANSWER: About 32 years – not that anyone has actually personally counted for themselves.

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. Porcupines are excellent swimmers. (True, because their quills are hollow)

2. The African lungfish can live out of water for up to four hours. (False – up to four YEARS!)

3. In 1935, Jesse Owens set six track and field world records in less than one hour. (True)

4. The last man on the moon was Buzz Aldrin. (False – Gene Cernan)

5. The average desktop computer contains at least five times more computing power than was used to land a man on the moon. (True)

6. Every major league baseball team in the U.S. buys about 800 baseballs each season. (False – it’s eighteen thousand baseballs each season!)

7. The onion is actually a lily. (True)

8. The moon is one million times drier than the Gobi Desert. (True)

9. A seventy-pound octopus can squeeze through a hole the size of a silver dollar. (True – because it has no backbone)

10. Donkeys can live between 10 and 20 years. (False – 30 to 50 years)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

SCIENTISTS CREATE ALLIGATOR-___________ HYBRIDS!  (CHICKEN)

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Harvard scientists are mixing chicken DNA with alligator DNA!

Harvard University scientists are mixing up chicken DNA to make “embryos with alligator-like snouts instead of beaks.” Great!

Arkhat Abzhanov, an evolutionary biologist at Harvard University, developed the chickens with snouts by cutting a square hole in the shell of a chicken egg and dropping in a small gelatinous protein bead before watching the embryo develop.

The changes allowed separate molecules on the side of the face free to grow into snouts within 14 days.

Although ethical rules prevent the eggs from bring hatched, Dr Abzhanov said he hopes to complete the work one day by turning chickens into Maniraptora.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

A lady is walking down the street to work and sees a parrot in a pet store. She stops to admire the bird. The parrot says to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.”

Well, the lady is furious! She storms past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and the parrot upon seeing her says, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.”

She was incredibly ticked now. The next day on the way to work she saw the same parrot and once again it said, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.”

The lady was so furious that she stormed into the store and threatened to sue the store and have the bird killed. The store manager apologized profusely and promised the bird wouldn’t say it again.

The next day, when the lady walked past the store after work the parrot said to her, “Hey lady.”

She paused, scowled with an icy and deadly stare, and said with a hoarse voice, “Yes?”

The bird, strutting back and forth on its perch in a cocky manner, said, “You know.”

JOKE #2

It was the first camping experience for Jed. As soon as he had pitched his tent, he went for a hike in the woods. In about fifteen minutes he rushed back into camp, bleeding and
disheveled.

“What happened?” asked a fellow camper.

“I was chased by a black snake!” cried the frightened Jed.

The camper laughed and retorted, “A black snake isn’t deadly.”

“Listen,” groaned Jed, “If he can make you jump off a fifty-foot cliff, he is!”

JOKE #3

Todd’s wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.

After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the “miracle” products, she asked, “Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?”

Looking over her carefully, Todd replied, “Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five.”

“Oh, you flatterer!” she gushed.

“Hey, wait a minute!” Todd interrupted.
”I haven’t added them up yet.”

USELESS FACTS

A hotel in the Middle East has dirt all over the floor, in the bed and in the bathroom. In fact it has dirt everywhere. Arab millionaire Rashid Abdel Hamid has opened the “Mud Hotel” — a hotel built entirely from mud — on Israel’s’ war-torn Gaza Strip. Hamid says, “Everyone says I’m crazy, but it’s going to be a huge success!”  ***MARLAR: Unless, of course, it rains!  (I understand that the rates are dirt-cheap!)

So how much of the glitz and glamour of the Miss Universe pageant is real? Not much, says Michael Schwandt, a choreographer of many of the pageants. Schwandt scrutinized the competition and revealed Donald Trump is allegedly fixing the competitions. According to Schwandt, Trump decides who will make it to the final six — after a private meeting with all the women.  ***MARLAR: Gee, who’d have thought that “Reality TV” isn’t real?

FEATURED FUNNIES

HOW DO YOU DRESS FOR CHURCH?
Come as you are…
One Sunday morning the congregation of a ritzy church (with vaulted ceilings, hand carved oak pews, stained glass windows and deep plush carpet had a stir. A man came in just minutes before the service was to begin and he was dressed horribly. He had on boots, overalls, a flannel shirt, and a cowboy hat. The congregation was aghast! Many quickly sent notes to the minister about this concern. At the end of the service the minister greeted the humbly dressed man and asked him if he enjoyed the service. The man exclaimed that he enjoyed it very much. The minister asked the man to consider possibly dressing differently, and told him to pray to Jesus about he would have him dress if he should return again. The next week the man returned. He was dressed the same and once again the congregation was disturbed. At the end of the service the minister greeted the man again and asked him what he had been told by Jesus concerning his how to dress for church. The man exclaimed, “I spoke with Jesus about this but Jesus said he didn’t know how I should dress for this church because He has never been here.”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

MR. COFFEE, YOU MAY NOW KISS THE BRIDE

Who do you love more, your cappuccino or your fiancée?  You may not have to decide between the two any longer! At The Rev. Al Holm’s drive-through espresso place, you can get a latte, a mocha — or married. His Sacred Grounds coffee shop occupies a former pizza counter in the back of a convenience store in Coeur d’Alene, Idaho. Like a lot of states, Idaho requires only a wedding license for a legal marriage. There’s no waiting period or blood test. Holm, a retired police chaplain, is ordained in the First Christian Church, but the counter of Sacred Grounds is his only pulpit. His five-minute weddings may include a bit of scripture, although he’s been known to ask couples how much religion they want. ***MARLAR: I now pronounce you “Mr. and Mrs. Coffee – you may kiss your latte!”

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION
TWO DAUGHTERS

Drained of energy and money, she’d sought medical help for twelve years. Her hemorrhaging was only worse. She greeted an endless round of sunrises, daylight hours and sleepless nights with leftover fatigue and homesteaded despair.

Lately rumors flew about a healer, one who attributed his gift to God. Men long blind were seeing. Demons ripped from the tortured. Pure-skinned lepers returned to families. Crutches abandoned, those crippled since their cradles skipped home!

Arising from bed, she ate a crust of leftover bread. Depleted of resources – bartered for promised cures – she determined to find this gentle healer.

On the stony path neighbors ran past her. Excitement crackled in the air, and ahead she saw a wall of people. Like olives pressed into a stone jar, villagers packed tight around this one  called Jesus.

Filled with odors of illness and home cures, the air was cloying. She noticed the synagogue ruler Jairus edge toward the healer. She’d heard his twelve-year-old daughter was gravely ill.

Twelve years. She knew about twelve years. The year Jairus’ daughter was born, her own plague started. She trailed behind the ruler. Jairus collapsed at Jesus’ knees. “My little daughter is dying. Please come and put your hand on her so she will be healed and live”(Mark 5:23).

His plea trumpeted hope. She thought, “If I just touch his clothes, I will be healed” (28). Finally within reach, her fingertips brushed the homespun robe, and she faith-tagged the rabbi Jesus. Whole. She felt whole!

Although jostled by many, Jesus asked, “Who touched me?” She stepped nearer Jesus and falling at his feet admitted her health-change.

“Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering” (34). While he spoke, messengers delivered an appalling blow to Jairus – his little girl was gone.

The couriers asked, “Why bother the teacher anymore?” But Jesus told Jairus, “Don’t be afraid, just believe” By nightfall, the community buzzed about the grave-robber Jesus.

Two females – twelve years of age, twelve years of pain – two daughters’ lives restored because of the Messiah.  For physical and spiritual healing, Jesus’ words are relevant.

“Don’t be afraid. Just believe.”

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

(modified from Campus Journal)

I am convinced that [nothing] will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. –Romans 8:38-39

Joanne and Bill had been going out for 2 years. Then Joanne started attending a college some distance away, while Bill continued his studies in medicine at the same school where they had met. Some of Joanne’s friends shook their heads and predicted, “Long-distance relationships never last.” Others made sly digs about the attractive girls at Bill’s medical school. But Joanne refused to listen.

College life seemed exhausting. In addition to studying, Joanne had to do her own cooking, cleaning, and washing. She held down a part-time job under the supervision of a tough boss. She had to handle, with a great deal of tact and care, a difficult roommate. But worst of all, Bill was hundreds of miles away. Yet, Joanne refused to give up hope on their relationship.

Joanne and Bill e-mailed each other daily. They exchanged funny, romantic, and sentimental cards. When funds permitted, they reveled in the luxury of telephone calls. Though loneliness, fears, and misunderstandings sometimes got in the way, they recognized that the basis of their relationship was committed love.

At their wedding, 5 years later, Bill and Joanne nudged each other when the pastor announced: “What God has joined together, let no one put asunder.” Joanne smiled inwardly as she realized that neither time nor distance nor doubts nor tough times had been able to separate her from Bill’s love, nor Bill from her love.

The Christian life is not without problems. Paul warned in his letter to the Romans that we may have to do battle with “trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword” (Romans 8:35). A formidable list!

But these problems need not cause us to panic. Difficulties need not drive us to despair. The basis of our relationship with God is that nothing can separate us from His love (vv.38-39).

Just as Joanne stood triumphant and radiant on her wedding day, one day we too will stand triumphant and radiant before Christ, our Bridegroom. As Paul reminded us, “Our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us” (v.18).

LEFTOVERS

TREKKIE WEDDING

On the Star Trek TV shows, you see all kinds of different species of aliens building friendships and even marriages between each other… but that’s all make believe, right? 

It was a wedding only Mr. Spock could appreciate.  Pamela and Ron Smith have tied the knot in the Canadian town of Vulcan (yeah, that’s the real name of the town)!  The “Star-Trek” fans exchanged their own vows in both English and Klingon.  The new Mrs. Smith even wore a fake wrinkled forehead to look like a member of the warrior Klingon race.  And with the words, “You may now kiss the Klingon,” the marriage was official.  ***MARLAR: “Do you, Ron, promise to love, honor, and obey – or be torn limb from limb by your Klingon wife until death do you come apart?”  “I do.”

LIFE… LIVE IT

MAKING LOVE LAST A LONG TIME

Guys, want to make your relationship last? Men’s Health has a list of tips to help you stay on your mate’s good side. Here’s a few:

  • When she fills out one of those quizzes in a women’s magazine, read it.

  • Send her a postcard–even when you’re home.

  • Let her pick the movie once in a while.

  • Never bring up her weight.

  • Have 2 bathrooms.

  • Keep all her vital statistics on a card in your wallet–birthday, anniversary, dress size, lingerie size, favorite flowers, etc.

  • TOP OF THE LIST!!!  Never agree with her mother when they’re arguing!  ***MARLAR: Trust me – I say this out of experience!

KILLER CAFFEINE

A recent study is titled Caffeine: The Silent Killer of Success. According to the study on the Linkedin web site, Most people start drinking caffeine because it makes them feel more alert and improves their mood. However, researchers found that large doses of caffeine accomplish that by raising blood pressure, stimulating the heart, and producing rapid shallow breathing which deprives the brain of the oxygen needed to keep your thinking calm and rational. They say it also reduces your ability to really rest.  (Read the article here.)

JUST FOR FUN

CHOCO-SOLDIERS

We’ve heard people describe the warm feeling they get when they eat chocolate, but there soon may be a chocolate bar on the market that really does increase your body temperature!

Among the potential 21st-century foods being developed for military use is a chocolate bar with special nutrients to change the body’s temperature, which could not only make soldiers warmer in cold climates but could also thus render soldiers “invisible” to an enemy’s thermal-imaging equipment. ***MARLAR: Beware our soldiers… they bring “death by chocolate!”

FUN LIST

FOOD (OR RELATED TO FOOD) DEFINITIONS

1. Tongue: A variety of meat, rarely served because it clearly crosses the line between a cut of beef and a piece of dead cow.

2. Yogurt: Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid.

3. Recipe: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don’t own, to make a dish the dog won’t eat.

4. Porridge: Thick oatmeal rarely found on American tables since children were granted the right to sue their parents. The name is an amalgamation of the words “Putrid,” “hORRId,”and “sluDGE.”

5. Preheat: To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time before cooking a dish, so that the fingers may be burned when the food is put in, as well as when it is removed.

6. Oven: Compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces of meat and poultry.

7. Microwave Oven: Space-age kitchen appliance that uses the principle of radar to locate and immediately destroy any food placed within the cooking compartment.

8. Calorie: Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the average individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular food.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

FREE EATS

Some cheap eats could be coming your way.

With the ever-failing economy, restaurants are having trouble filling their booths. In an attempt to lure you in, casual dining chains like Ruby Tuesday’s, Bennigan’s, and T.G.I. Friday’s are spreading some cheer with free coupons offering discounts and two-for-one deals. If you don’t see them in your mailbox or on your doorknob, check the newspapers. Industry observers say these restaurants are going though one of their worst slumps ever and that means we win. And don’t expect the deals to end anytime soon. Normally, the upcoming holidays are their busy time. If they’re having to do the coupon thing now, just wait for some really sweet post-holiday deals.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

When 18-year-old Lachlan Smart recently touched down in eastern Australia, he became the youngest person to fly around the world solo in a single engine aircraft. According to NPR, His seven-week-long journey flying a Cirrus SR22 aircraft took him to 24 locations and 15 countries, ultimately ending up at the same airstrip where he first took off on July 4. And at 18 years, 7 months and 21 days, he’s almost a full year younger than the previous record holder, American Matt Guthmiller. According to his website, the journey spanned over 24,000 nautical miles. http://n.pr/2bIWhl7

Beatrix Potter died 73 years ago, yet just last week she released a new book. Potter is best known for her book “The Tale of Peter Rabbit,” an immediate bestseller. Over the course of her life she produced more than 20 additional books as she created an animal universe. Last week, her publishing company expanded that universe further when they published a “rediscovered” Potter story titled “The Tale of Kitty-in-Boots.” The manuscript for the book was found by an editor in 2013 in the Potter archives at the Victoria & Albert Museum in London.  http://wapo.st/2c9y0oJ

A 14-year-old from Louisville, Kentucky, has been moving thousands of people on social media after a photograph of him giving away his shoes to a homeless man has gone viral.  The act of kindness took place last week on Labor Day when the teen went out to do homeless outreach with a local nonprofit group focused on “teaching our community how to uplift one another.” When he saw a homeless man who had holes in his shoes, the teen took the shoes off his feet and gave them away.  http://abcn.ws/2cgNj1K

Insight for Living last week shared an interview between Colleen Swindoll and Kay Warren on mental health, based on Kay Warren’s own experience. As part of the interview, Kay Warren offers practical tools and hands-on direction for supporting individuals and families struggling with mental health challenges based on her own personal tragedy and with professional insight. Watch the interview at http://ow.ly/HoWk303Wove.

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Chaos, panic and disorder — my work here is done. –Wisecrack of Dawn

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

SEPTEMBER 09, 2016…

The Wild Life—Here is another version of “Robinson Crusoe.”  This time, the film is animated and concerns the animals who peacefully live on the island until a human is washed ashore. They decide to help, but soon pirates are there, too. Voice of Colin Metzger. “The Wild Life” is rated PG. Rating of 2 for animation fans.

When The Bough Breaks—A couple who can’t conceive a child decide on a surrogate mother. Things don’t go smoothly here, at all.  Morris Chestnut and Regina Hall are the would-be parents, while Jaz Sinclair is the surrogate mother. “When The Bough Breaks” is rated PG 13. No rating.

Sully—It had to happen, a film about the heroic landing of a passenger plane on the Hudson River in 2009. Tom Hanks is Captain Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger, gray hair and all, and we see what happened before, during and after the plane went down. Clint Eastwood directs. Also in the cast are Aaron Eckhart and Laura Linney. “Sully” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

Before I Wake—Jacob Tremblay is a little boy without a family.  He is taken into a foster home and then adopted.  However, he has a problem.  He is afraid to go to sleep, fearing monsters.  Can he be helped? Also in the cast are Kate Bosworth and Thomas Jane. “Before I Wake” is rated PG 13.

(New Opening Date) Morgan—is a science fiction film about creating artificial life and decided whether to keep it or terminate it. Stars Kate Mara, Toby Jones, Michelle Yeoh and Anya Taylor-Joy. “Morgan” is rated PG 13. No rating.

SEPTEMBER 16, 2016…

Mr. Church is a different role for Eddie Murphy as he takes on the persona of a caring person helping a young girl and her sick mother.

Blair Witch is a sequel to the 1999 film with relatives of those disappeared going into the same wood area. Stars James Allan McCune.

Operation Avalanche concerns a government cover-up. Stars Matt Johnson.

Bridget Jones’s Baby and here is Renee Zellweger back as Bridget and pregnant. Who is the father?

Snowden has been put together by Oliver Stone and stars Joseph Gordon-Levitt as Snowden, the whistle-blower.

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WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.