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PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20150913
WELCOME TO THE SHOW!
I may sound a little weird this morning, but I’ll be fine as soon as I have my morning coffee. And I’ll have my morning coffee as soon as I can find my mouth.
Play Dungeons & Dragons at work and you’ll get fired, fast. Play Fantasy Football and it’s considered a “morale builder.”
BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY
“The Lord detests lying lips, but He delights in men who are truthful.” –Proverbs 12:22
He [Jesus] is before all things, and in him all things hold together. –Colossians 1:17
Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again, Rejoice! — Philippians 4:4
HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT
Without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him. — Hebrews 11:6
Thought: Our relationship with God is built on the atoning sacrifice of Jesus and our acceptance of that sacrifice through obedient faith. That faith trusts that God not only exists, but that he also personally cares about us and our desire to know him. He eagerly longs to bless those who seek him. What we find when we seek him, however, is that all other blessings pale in comparison to knowing, and being known by the eternal, immortal, and only true God!
Prayer: Holy God, I do seek to know you better. Please make your presence known more powerfully in my life and in the life of your Church. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.
“BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY
The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!
Genesis 9:13 NIV = I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth.
TODAY IS SUNDAY – SEPTEMBER 13, 2015
(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 107 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS. ONLY 495 DAYS UNTIL BARACK OBAMA LEAVES OFFICE.
This is FORTUNE COOKIE DAY. Fortune cookies were actually invented in America, in 1918 by Charles Jung.
Today is POSITIVE THINKING DAY. ***MARLAR: At least, I’m pretty sure this is the day. Come to think of it, I’m not at all positive about that.
This is SUBSTITUTE TEACHER APPRECIATION WEEK. ***MARLAR: We always appreciated our substitute teachers. We appreciated that they didn’t know who the class clowns were, we appreciated that they didn’t know the old “Sharpie in the Eraser” trick, or that they didn’t know the most direct route to the Principal’s office . . .
Today is “LAW & ORDER” DAY. The popular TV series premiered on this date in 1990. (
Today is MUPPET DAY, marking the TV premier of the original “The Muppet Show” on this date in 1976. (
SCOOBY DOO DAY. Scooby-Doo debuted on CBS-TV on September 13, 1969. (
Here are some facts you might not know about Scooby-Doo’s and his pals.
–The cartoon debuted on CBS September 13, 1969, and new episodes still air in syndication, making it the longest-running animated series ever.
–A CBS exec named the dog after hearing Frank Sinatra’s nonsense line “Scooby-dooby-doo” in his hit song “Strangers in the Night.”
–Scooby’s human co-stars Fred, Daphne, Velma and Shaggy were inspired by the “I Love A Mystery” radio show and the sitcom “The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis.”
–The show was originally titled “Mysteries Five And Who’s Scared?” before bigwigs settled on “Scooby-Doo, Where Are You?”
–The dog breed was chosen by a show artist, who was friends with the owner of an award-winning Great Dane.
–Scott Innes provided Scooby’s voice for the movie. On TV, the talking Great Dane was voiced by Don Messick, who also provided the vocals for Bamm-Bamm of “The Flintstones” and Yogi Bear’s buddy Boo-Boo.
–A young Dave Coulier was hired to supply various voices for the TV cartoon. Later, he starred with the Olsen twins on ABC’s “Full House.”
–Strict vegetarian Casey Kasem voices Shaggy on the TV and insists every snack his cartoon counterpart eats is completely meatless.
–Brainy Velma has never piloted the four-wheel-drive Mystery Machine van. At 15, she’s not old enough to have a driver’s license.
–In 1997, NASA scientists honored the series by dubbing a rock floating around Mars “Scooby-Doo.”
TODAY IS ALSO. . .
International Chocolate Day
National Celiac Awareness Day
Roald Dahl Day
Miss America Pageant
National Hug Your Hound Day
COMING UP NEXT
MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 14
World Maritime Day
TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 15
Felt Hat Day
International Day of Democracy
WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 16
Anne Bradstreet Day
International Day for the Preservation of the Ozone Layer
School Backpack Awareness Day ***Huh? Are backpacks corrupting our kids without our knowing it?
Trail of Tears Commemoration Day
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 17
RAINN Day (Rape Abuse Incest National Network)
Time’s Up Day
VFW Ladies Auxiliary Day
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 18
Air Force Birthday
Chiropractic Founders Day
Constitution Day/Pledge Across America
Hug a Greeting Card Writer Day
National HIV/AIDS and Aging Awareness Day
National Trademen Day
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 19
Fall Astronomy Day
International Eat An Apple Day
International Coastal Clean up Day
National Seatcheck Saturday 2015
SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 20
Wife Appreciation Day
MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 21
International Day of Peace
ON THIS DAY
1916: A circus elephant named Mary was lynched in Erwin, Tennessee, as 5,000 people watched. She had killed three men. ***MARLAR: They knew she was guilty when, during questioning, she said she didn’t remember anything.
1943: Chiang Kai-Shek became president of China.
1948: Republican Margaret Chase Smith of Maine was elected to the U.S. Senate, becoming the first woman to have served in both houses of Congress.
1971: The four-day revolt at the maximum security prison in Attica, New York, ended when state police and National Guardsmen stormed the facility. Forty-two people died.
1989: A national study revealed that on an average day in the U.S. 169 women and 56 men got nose jobs. ***MARLAR: However, it was later discovered that half of those surgeries were just for Michael Jackson.
1993: Israeli Prime Minister Yitzhak Rabin and PLO Chairman Yasir Arafat shook hands after signing an historic peace agreement.
2003: An Argentinian man was refused treatment for a toothache because his medical records said he’d been dead for more than 20 years. Fifty-two-year-old Rafael Lanizante said the nurse even showed him his death certificate. He said he was so shocked the toothache went away.
TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY
1541: John Calvin returns to Geneva, where he will spend the rest of his life trying to establish a theocratic society at the request of city authorities who banished him three years earlier.
1635: The Massachusetts General Court banishes Roger Williams, 32, for, among other things, his outspoken advocacy of a separation of church and state. Williams went on to found Rhode Island and the first Baptist church in the American colonies.
1931: Pentecostal preacher Aimee Semple McPherson marries unknown vaudeville performer David Hutton. McPherson’s third marriage, it ended in divorce in 1934.
HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS
- actor (“Boy Meets World”) Ben Savage 35 (
- actress (“Designing Women”, Kate Barnet on “Center of the Universe”, Sherry on “The District”, the voice of Dr. Possible on “Kim Possible”, First Lady Martha Logan on day five of “24”) Jean Smart 56 (
- actress (The Deep, Murder on the Orient Express) Jacqueline Bisset 71
- cartoon character Woody Woodpecker 75 (
(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)
1874 : Arnold Schoenberg
1911 : Bill Monroe
1916 : Dick Haymes
1922 : Charles Brown
1925 : Mel Tormé
1939 : Dave Quincy (Manfred Mann)
1941 : David Clayton-Thomas (Blood, Sweat & Tears)
1943 : Ray Elliot (Them)
1944 : Peter Cetera (Chicago)
1949 : Steve Gaines (Lynyrd Skynyrd)
1952 : Randy Jones (Village People)
1952 : Don Was
1954 : Dan Hegarty (The Darts)
1956 : Joni Sledge (Sister Sledge)
1961 : Dave Mustaine (Megadeth)
1965 : Ringo Starr’s son, Zak Stakey is born.
1967 : Steve Perkins (Jane’s Addiction)
1977 : Fiona Apple
SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE
(edited from Creation Tips)
How do you invent a better optical lens? Scientists have gone to God’s creation to find the answers.
Scientists who have been stumped for years over how to invent better tiny lenses for optical computers have found the answer in one of God’s marine creatures. The brittle-star, a type of starfish, puzzled scientists because it seems to have no eyes but can escape quickly from predators. After some study, they found that the brittle-star’s body is covered with crystals that act as lenses. The crystals form a wonderful visual system for the creature that seems to be unique among life on earth. The researchers are now using the brittle-star’s crystal idea to fashion new micro-lenses. Results of their study were published in the journal Nature on August 23. Lead author of the paper, Dr. Joanna Aizenberg, said, “This study shows how great materials can be formed by nature, far beyond current technology.” It is interesting that it took some of the best scientific minds in the world to find a solution to the lens problem. Yet most evolutionists think the solution, the brittle-star’s ingenious lens system, evolved without a Creator. Crazy!
CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS
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Hawk Nelson is taking your requests this week. They are asking for help in selecting the list of songs to play on their fall tour with Newsboys. Simply make your suggestions by using the hashtag #hawknelson. However, they say there is one requirement. The songs requested have to actually be Hawk Nelson’s own songs. They tweeted: we haven’t mastered all the @onedirection covers yet…
Tenth Avenue North helped Whitworth University kick of their school year this week. Front man Mike Donehey tweeted: Talking to some students tonight, I was minded how God is much more interested in the posture of our hearts than the success of our careers. More than our failures, more than our achievements, God wants…us.
Kevin Max is currently raising money for a crowd funded cover CD titled Starry Eyes. This week he announced a surprise campaign update. Right now, when you pledge, you can download first 5 songs. http://t.co/MTIN7xm85k http://t.co/ryhXNYc20I
Audio Adrenaline has found a unique way to support Haiti’s Hands and Feet Project. Front man Adam Agee is offering to give VIP tickets to the person who wins the projects Fantasy Football League. A $50 entry donation gets you in the league.
A major step in parenthood for Kevin Max. This week he traded in for a minivan. Kevin said that, with four kids and a dog, it was a necessary part of dad life.
Another groaner from Citizen Way: Someone stole my mood ring, I don’t know how I feel about that.
WEIRD & WACKY
|Berlin unearths granite head of Lenin after 24 years photo
BERLIN (AP) — A 3,900-kilogram (8,600-pound) head of Vladimir Lenin that was removed from a Berlin square in 1991 has been unearthed for a new exhibition. The granite head was part of a 19-meter (62-foot) Lenin figure unveiled in 1970 on East Berlin’s Leninplatz, or Lenin Square. After German…
|Appalachian Trail record holder pays fine for Maine bubbly photo
PORTLAND, Maine (AP) — An ultramarathoner who set the speed record for completing the Appalachian Trail paid a $500 fine Wednesday to settle citations over his celebration atop Maine’s Mount Katahdin that struck a nerve with park officials worried about crowding and commercialization of the…
|Woman stops by Colorado police station to hug officer photo
ARVADA, Colo. (AP) — The Arvada, Colorado, Police Department has posted a photo on its Facebook account of a woman who came into the station just so she could hug an officer. KMGH-TV (http://bit.ly/1IW0jyF) reports the woman told police on Monday she was upset about the deaths of law…
|Canadian couple watches beach home burglary via web cam
FORT MYERS, Fla. (AP) — A Canadian couple watched via web cam as a man broke into their Florida vacation home on Fort Myers Beach before turning the video over to authorities. The surveillance tape helped Lee County sheriff’s deputies arrest 45-year-old Thomas Hinton on Sunday, the day after…
|Owner of wayward chicken in San Francisco comes forward
SAN FRANCISCO (AP) — The owner of a wayward chicken that fouled up traffic at the Oakland-San Francisco Bay Bridge last week reclaimed his bird Tuesday and planned to take it to an elementary school garden like he intended to do the day the chicken escaped from a cardboard box in his pickup…
|Loose monkey makes life a little bananas in Kentucky town
OWINGSVILLE, Ky. (AP) — Kentucky wildlife officials have captured a monkey on the loose in a small town. State police and Bath County deputies had been helping Kentucky Fish and Wildlife officers with their monkey business in the town of Owingsville. Media reports say officials had to…
|Miss America parade shoes unveiled as competition begins photo
ATLANTIC CITY, N.J. (AP) — Contestants in the 2016 Miss America pageant will wear butterflies, snowflakes, dice, potatoes and dinosaurs on their shoes when they hit the Atlantic City Boardwalk this week. The Miss America Organization on Tuesday unveiled the footwear that each of the 52…
|King Kamehameha statue’s spear found on banks of channel photo
HONOLULU (AP) — Detectives have found the spear that was taken from King Kamehameha’s (cah-MEH’-ha-MEH’-ha) statue on Hawaii’s Big Island. The top section of the spear held by a statue of the Hawaiian warrior was reported missing Sunday. Detectives returned to the scene to continue…
|Despite 90-degree weather, school district declares snow day
KEYPORT, N.J. (AP) — On a day when temperatures surged past 90 degrees in central New Jersey, an electrical problem has forced a school district to declare a snow day. Classes were canceled Tuesday in Keyport because of a malfunctioning component at the district’s elementary school. Officials…
|Police: Stuck on elevator, burglar forced to call 911
LAUREL, Del. (AP) — Authorities say a burglar who broke into a middle school got stuck on an elevator and was forced to call 911 for help. Local media outlets report that police say 19-year-old Michael Claude of Laurel broke into the school Monday. Officials say he was riding down the…
|Kansas State says it will pay fine after band performance
Kansas State will pay a $5,000 fine and its marching band will perform without its director later this season as part of self-imposed sanctions following a routine that turned into a widespread social-media meme over the weekend. The school also said Tuesday it would require approval of all future…
HEALTH & FITNESS
|Regulators halt study of cancer risks at 7 nuclear plants
HARTFORD, Conn. (AP) — Federal regulators are pulling the plug on a five-year study of the risk of cancer in communities around six U.S. nuclear plants and a nuclear fuel site. Remaining work on a pilot study would take too long, at more than three years, and cost too much, at $8 million, the…
|Surgeon general calls for steps to promote healthy walking photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — Take a walk: That’s the U.S. surgeon general’s prescription for sedentary Americans — but communities will have to step up, too, and make neighborhoods easier and safer for foot traffic. Only half of adults and just over a quarter of high school students get the amount…
|House chairman: Planned Parenthood probe protects taxpayers photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — Opening long-awaited congressional hearings, a top Republican said Wednesday an investigation of Planned Parenthood was intended to protect taxpayers from the kind of “horrors” suggested by secretly recorded videos of group officials discussing the sale of tissue from…
|In a 1st, New York to require salt warnings on eatery menus photo
NEW YORK (AP) — Some sub sandwiches, movie theater pretzels and even milkshakes and salads will soon come with a first-of-its-kind salt warning symbol in New York City after officials agreed Wednesday to stake out new ground in a national push for healthier eating habits. The city Board of…
|Second death reported in nationwide salmonella outbreak
SAN DIEGO (AP) — A Texas woman has become the second person to die in a nationwide salmonella outbreak linked to tainted cucumbers sold by a California company, health officials reported Wednesday. The woman, who already had other serious health issues, died in late August and medical records…
|NYC ends consent requirement for circumcision suction ritual photo
NEW YORK (AP) — People who perform an ultra-Orthodox Jewish circumcision suction ritual will no longer have to get parents to sign acknowledgements of potential health risks, the city Board of Health decided Wednesday, reversing a policy that pitted health officials against religious leaders…
|California lawmakers approve right-to-die legislation photo
SACRAMENTO, Calif. (AP) — The state Assembly approved legislation Wednesday that would allow terminally ill patients to legally end their lives after an emotional and deeply personal debate, sending the proposal to the Senate that is expected to endorse it. It was the second effort by…
|Health insurance signups near 10 million in midyear report photo
CHICAGO (AP) — About 9.9 million people have signed up and paid for health insurance under President Barack Obama’s health care law, the administration said Tuesday, a slight dip from a previous count but on track toward the administration’s year-end goal of 9.1 million. The U.S. Department…
|Extreme preemies make survival gains, 20-year study finds
CHICAGO (AP) — Odds have improved that many extremely premature U.S. infants will survive without major problems, although prospects remain poor for the smallest and youngest, born nearly four months too soon, a government-funded study found. The findings suggest that the age of viability…
|3 tips for adjusting to changes in primary health care
The family doctor visit is getting complicated. Drugstores and other retailers are opening clinics that offer care alternatives. Shrinking insurance has made routine visits to a physician more expensive for many. Here are three tips for navigating this evolving world: ___ 1. OWN YOUR CARE Patients…
|Retail clinics, apps change doctor-patient relationship photo
Tom Coote suspected the stabbing pain in his abdomen was serious, but the harried doctor at the urgent care center suggested it was merely indigestion. Coote also suspected that his recently retired family physician would have taken more time to diagnose what turned out to be appendicitis. “Even…
(None on the weekends)
NEW NEWS KICKERS…
NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Do Not Turn Upside Down”
DAILY COMEDY CLIP
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Darren Marlar, “Halloween at the Mall”
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, Gruffy Bear was heading out for a picnic, singing show tunes. He wanted to go alone, but Millard the Monkey talked him into taking him along as well… but then Millard told all the other jungle animals, and now everybody is heading out for one gigantic picnic!
CLOSE: The mother of all picnic spots in order to have the mother of all picnics! Tune in again next time, As the Jungle Turns!
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF SEPTEMBER 12/13, 2015
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, all of the jungle animals were headed out for the best and biggest picnic they’d ever had. But Gruffy Bear insisted that they not have the picnic until they found the perfect picnic spot. They’ve already found a really nice spot – but it’s not good enough for Gruffy.
CLOSE: That sure sounded like the perfect picnic spot. What better place could they find? Tune in next time, As the Jungle Turns!
***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of As the Jungle Turns in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us.
MOMENT OF DUH
A Bucharest man had a ton of garbage in his apartment – literally!
It has finally been removed by authorities. After the removal of the rubbish, the building had to be evacuated and disinfected. Says one neighbor, “We just couldn’t bear the smell. I think he’s kept rubbish in there for five years now. Nobody knows why he is collecting that junk. He doesn’t speak to any of us. We had to ask the authorities to intervene.” ***MARLAR: How does that saying go? “One man’s trash is another man’s… uh, trash.”
TOP 10 WAYS YOU KNOW YOU MIGHT BE A NURSE
- You have the bladder capacity of 5 people.
- You have your weekends off planned for a year in advance.
- You believe that “ask a nurse” is an evil plot.
- You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if the phrase “wow, it’s really quiet” is uttered.
- You mutter, “great veins” when being introduced to a stranger.
- Your most common assessment question is, “What changed tonight to make it an emergency after 6 (hours, days, weeks months, years)?
- You have been exposed to so many x-rays that you consider radiation a form of birth control.
- You have ever had a patient say, “But I’m not pregnant; I can’t be pregnant, how can I be having a baby?”
- You have ever had a patient control his seizures when offered some food.
- You refer to motorcyclists as “organ donors.”
THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER
The perfect crime… the perfect getaway… but still, they end up in the files of Law & Disorder!
FILE #1: The latest crime of the century to hit Stockholm this week involved two robbers who forced security guards to hand over a money bag before making their getaway on a moped. Unfortunately for the crooks, the robbery wasn’t very profitable as the bags were empty.
FILE #2: Britain’s Kerry Lewis broke into a home and stole 10 bottles of Champagne, a TV and cement mixer, and loaded the goods into his van. There were just two problems. First, a neighbor spotted the crime. Second, the neighbor was able to give police a good description of the van right down to Kerry’s name, which was painted on the side in bold lettering.
FILE #3: How serious do police take those handicapped parking spaces? A man in Omaha found out, when he parked in the handicapped space and got arrested. It seems that he wasn’t handicapped. And that he was on the parking lot of the police headquarters. And that he was high on methamphetamine – smoking it right there in the police parking lot. He was then taken to Creighton Medical Center where he agreed to have two small plastic bags of meth removed from his stomach. Looks like they busted a Super Genius.
STRANGE LAW: Every citizen in South Carolina is obliged to carry his gun to church.
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS
An innocent mistake turned out to be prophetic for police in Milford, Massachusetts.
…Through an extensive police sting operation, cops were able to arrest several known drug pushers. Alex Rivera, was a man high on their list. And while there was a warrant for his arrest, Rivera was still at large. By mistake, the police released his name to the newspaper as one of those arrested. Rivera saw the error and was so upset that walked into the police station to complain about the incorrect report that he was arrested. Police apologized and made the story right by arresting him on the spot.
What’s the worst thing you or someone you know did to a teacher? Or are you a teacher willing to share a horror story?
BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!
QUESTION: According to Jude’s epistle, who disputed with Satan over the body of Moses?
ANSWER: The archangel Michael (Jude 9)
QUESTION: In 1819, the USA purchased Florida from Spain for how much?
ANSWER: Nothing. In fact, the USA “purchased” Florida as a cancellation of a $5 million debt Spain owed.
TRUE OR FALSE
Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!
- Heavier lemons produce more, and tastier, juice. (True)
- In ancient Egypt, the only person who was allowed to wear cotton was the man of the house. (False – only the High Priest)
- Burger King restaurants serve over 400 million ounces of orange juice a month. (False – annually)
- The word “America” comes from the European explorer Amerigo Vespucci. (True)
- Members of the Nazi SS had their blood type tattooed on their armpits. (True)
- The first country to abolish capital punishment was Austria. (True, in 1787)
- The worldwide “Spanish Flu” epidemic which broke out in 1918 killed more than 30 million people in less than a year’s time. (True)
- One of the listed ingredients of Fruitopia fruit juice is real bug parts. (True… it contains cochineal—that’s a red dye made from the pulverized bodies of insects.)
- Taiwan was known formerly as Mimosa. (False – Formosa)
- The largest eggs in the world are laid by the ostrich. (False – a shark)
TABLOID MATCH GAME
You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!
_______ VOTED FRIENDLIEST PLACE ON EARTH! (NEW YORK CITY)
According to a worldwide study, the most welcoming place in the world is: New York City!
The Barnkopf Travel Study has unveiled the results of its readers choice survey on the world’s friendliest cities, with an American city (New York) being the friendliest and another American city (Los Angeles) being the least friendly.
New York City beat out beautiful cities in Brazil, Thailand, The Maldives and Italy to be the best… and was often referred to as the ‘Island of Magic’. ”The people in New York City are so kind and friendly and nice… they are the nicest people on the planet,” said a tourist from Germany.
Meanwhile, Los Angeles – which boasts beautiful landscapes, was voted the least friendly place on Earth. ”The people there are so rude and fake. Very, very fake,” said a tourist from Denmark. ”They smile on the outside but they are nasty on the inside.”
Mayor Bloomberg of New York City, however, was not voted the friendliest. He had a 86% unfavorable rating with voters around the globe. Here’s the top ten (and bottom ten):
- New York City, USA
- Florianopolis, Brazil
- Rome, Italy
- Thimpu, Bhutan
- Queenstown, New Zealand
- Charleston, South Carolina
- Warsaw, Poland
- Margaret River, Australia
- Mandalay, Burma
- Kilkenny, Ireland
- Chiang Mai, Thailand
- Los Angeles, California
- Baghdad, Iraq
- Guantanamo Bay, Cuba
- Luanda, Angola
- Kuwait City, Kuwait
- Lome, Togo
- Seattle, Washington
- Detroit, Michigan
- Beijing, China
- Tangier, Morocco
THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY
Upon going away to college, my former brother-in-law received a hand mixer from his mother because of his fondness for mashed potatoes. Later that semester, she asked him how the mixer was working for him.
“Not very good,” Terry said, “the potatoes keep flying all over the kitchen.”
After a perplexed pause, his mother asked, “Terry, did you cook the potatoes first?”
To which a surprised Terry responded, “You have to cook the potatoes first?”
A young salesman had asked his girlfriend to marry him. She said she would love to, but he would have to ask for her father’s permission. “He’s old-fashioned,” she said, “and he might not say yes to the first man who asks for his daughter’s hand. I sure hope that you can convince him.”
The young salesman thought about the upcoming interview for a very long time. When it finally came time to speak to his girlfriend’s father, he began by saying, “Sir, I have an idea that will save you lots of money…
An elderly husband and wife noticed they were beginning to forget little things around the house. They were afraid that his could be dangerous so they decided to go see a doctor to get some help. Their doctor told them that many people their age find it useful to write themselves little notes as reminders. This seemed like an excellent idea.
When they got home, the wife said, “Honey, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? Why don’t you write that down so you won’t forget?”
“Nonsense,” said the husband, “I can remember a dish of ice cream!”
“I’d also like some strawberries on it. You better write that down, because I know you’ll forget.”
“Don’t be silly,” replied the husband. “A dish of ice cream and some strawberries. I can remember that!”
“OK, dear, but I’d like you to put some whipped cream on top. Now you’d really better write it down now. You’ll forget,” said the wife.
“No problem, ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream.”
With that, the husband shut the kitchen door behind him. The wife could hear him getting out pots and pans and making lots of noise. He emerged from the kitchen about 15-minutes later. Walking over to his wife, he presented her with a plate of bacon and eggs. The wife took one look at the plate, glanced up at her husband and said, “I knew you’d forget! Where’s the toast?”
A study by the U.S. Centers For Disease Control and Prevention says that diabetes is most likely to be found in fat people. ***MARLAR: How much did they pay for that study?
Police in Marion, Wisconsin, are searching for leads in a cheese factory break-in during which burglars stole a 40-pound block of cheese, 70 pounds of string cheese, 80 pounds of garlic sausage, 80 pounds of summer sausage, 80 pounds of beef sausage, 60 pounds of snack sausage, and 15 pounds of smoked beef. ***MARLAR: Sounds like someone was craving the ultimate Hickory Farms gift pack!
A VERY MOVING EXPERIENCE
The horrible experience of house hunting and then the unavoidable moving day has finally come to an end for me and my bride, Robin. Every time we visited an open-house we felt like the selling agent had just transferred from Bob’s Used Cars.
“So, Mr. Marlar, what’s it going to take to get you into this house today?”
“Zero-percent financing and employee-discount-pricing!” I enthusiastically reply.
“Done!” he says. But then I then see the wave of reality wash over his face. “Oh, wait a minute… that was my old job. What I meant to say was…”
“Too late, buddy,” I gleefully cheer. “Where do I sign, Suckerrrr!!!”
Still, our house payments are awful high even with zero-percent financing; probably due to the extras he talked us into. I’m not sure why I need rust proofing for the undercarriage of my vinyl siding, or road-side assistance for my fireplace – but then I’m not into home maintenance and repair, so I just trust the experts.
After walking through ninety-seven homes, I’ve noticed three key indicators that a house is a “lemon.”
1. A “Sunkist” sticker on the garage door
2. Three inspectors have mysteriously fallen ill while checking the water heater
3. House comes with extras like helmet, fire extinguisher and Jaws of Life
Fortunately, we found the right home for us and we made the move. There must be some unknown law of physics that explains why, with every relocation, you lose or break something. Somehow, I lost my favorite 52oz Bubba Keg coffee mug. Gone! The strange thing is that we only moved two-tenths of a mile. Seriously! From the apartment to the house I could’ve walked the blasted mug over in under three minutes. But somehow, placing the mug in a box with bubble wrap and pot holders triggered a kind of “inter-dimensional large-goblet gobbler,” sucking my Bubba-Keg into limbo where it will now float in a zero-gravity environment forevermore, bumping gently into lost airline luggage and socks who’ve yet to find their way back to their owners’ clothes dryers.
Less than 18 hours after the move we had our first crisis involving a family member. Her name is Patches. Apparently, cats love exploring – and an uncovered floor vent is an open invitation for feline spelunking. We woke our first morning to loud meowing – from the air ducts.
After dozens of calls, we finally found two companies that contained laughter long enough to send someone over. We also ended up greeting an animal-control specialist. Not sure how he got an invitation, but he had a truck and a really cool looking flashlight, so we let him in.
Two hours and numerous ripped-open air ducts later, we had our pain-in-the-whiskers pet in Robin’s arms. We then observed something truly ghastly. Either the trauma of the ducts was so terrifying that all of the cat’s fur instantly turned gray, or we desperately needed to clean the ducts of our new home. Turns out the latter was true, which stinks because a prematurely gray cat is a whole heck of a lot more affordable.
Cat-astrophe averted (sorry – such an obviously bad pun cannot be ignored), the three of us are fine now.
While I say I never want to move again, I am open to relocating to our permanent home awaiting us in our Father’s kingdom. I won’t have to worry about visiting dozens of homes to find the “right one for me.” I won’t have to settle on a home that is “good enough.” My home – my mansion, actually – is already there, empty, waiting for me to arrive. Of course, in this world I can’t afford a mansion – but allowing God to use me, I am already investing into the home I will someday have. The perfect home, designed precisely for me. It will have all of the luxuries and necessities needed for the perfect existence in everlasting life. I have no idea what kind of appliances would be used in Heaven – that could be an entire column in itself (and then some), but I do take comfort in knowing that God knows my needs both for here and for the hereafter. Realtors will be obsolete, air ducts will be unnecessary, moving trucks will be unheard of, cats will be well-behaved.
Back on this earth, however, if the day comes and Robin and I do have to relocate, the cat is not coming out of the vents until she finds my coffee mug. It has to be in there – it’s the only place I haven’t looked.
IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!
Planning on taking a family vacation this summer? If you’re really into billboards and signs, you might want to take a trip to Thailand – they’re really proud of theirs.
The capital of Thailand has a new attraction for tourists… it’s their billboards! What’s so great about that? Well, the billboards have the capital’s name printed on them! Exciting, huh? I know… BIG DEAL. But the name itself – well that IS big! The city’s full name is Krungthep Mahanakhon Amon Rattanakosin Mahinthara Ayutthaya Mahadilokphop Noppharat Ratchathani Burirom Udomratchaniwet Mahasathan Amon Piman Awatan Sathit Sakkathatthiya Witsanukam Prasit. Not surprisingly, this name is so long that residents generally refer to the city by its shorter name of Krungthep – which means city of angels. Bangkok’s full name means “City of Angels, Great City of Immortals, Magnificent City of the Nine Gems, Seat of the King, City of Royal Palaces, Home of the Gods Incarnate, Erected by Visvakarman at Indra’s Behest.” The capital is now known as Bangkok, which means “City of Wild Plums.” ***MARLAR: Such a majestic title being turned in for something that essentially says, “Welcome to Prune Town.”
I’m standing on a checkout line at a store across the street here. The line was long and slow. I’m kind of used to it. The woman at the register snippy and slower. The guy in front of me didn’t seem to mind and didn’t seem to be in any particular hurry. He chatted amiably with me. And when he got up to the register, even chatted amiably with the woman at the register. How ‘ya doing with all these people?” he asked.
Without even looking at him, she just shrugged, said something about dealing with it.
“Well, you deal with it very well,” he said.
“I thank you.”
She looked up. And as she handed him a few bucks back in change, he grasped her hand.
“Keep it,” he said.
I couldn’t believe my ears. I don’t think she could either. She cocked her head. Then this most forgettable looking elderly gentleman said something I’ll never forget.
“The season’s tough, but it shouldn’t be. Have some fun.”
And he walked away. Just like that.
I think me and the cashier were the only ones who heard him. She never said a word … not one word. But when I came up on line, she did manage one thing — a smile.
I wanted to rush and tell the old man about it. But something told me he already knew.
–By Neil Cavuto
DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL
Read: Psalm 73:23-28
There is none upon earth that I desire besides You. —Psalm 73:25
Health experts tell us we should drink at least 64 ounces of water each day. It may reduce the risk of heart attack, give our skin a healthy glow, and help us lose weight. We should drink even more water during exercise or if we live in a hot or dry climate. Even if we’re not thirsty, we ought to drink water anyway.
Our thirst for God is even more beneficial. When we’re spiritually dry, we long to hear from Him through His Word, and we search for even a drop of knowledge about Him. When we’re exercising our faith in a new way, we want to be close to Him and receive His strength. Our thirst for God may increase when we see the sinfulness of people around us or when we gain a new awareness of our own sin and need for Him.
Spiritual thirst is a metaphor used throughout Scripture. Asaph thirsted for answers in his questioning psalm. When he saw the wicked prospering, he cried out to God to understand why (Psalm 73:16). He found the Lord to be his strength and realized that he desired nothing but Him (vv.25-26).
If we’re spiritually thirsty, we can follow Asaph’s example and draw near to God (v.28). He will satisfy us, yet give us a deeper thirst for Himself. We’ll learn to desire Him above all else.
O sinner, won’t you come today to Calvary?
A fountain there is flowing deep and wide;
The Savior now invites you to the water free,
Where thirsting spirits can be satisfied.
© Renewal 1978, Singspiration, Inc.
A thirst for God can be satisfied only by Christ, the Living Water.
A TOUR TO DIE FOR
Some South Carolina high school students are getting a close-up look at medical school, including the cadavers. Lynn Heard of the University of South Carolina medical school says the tours are so popular, they have to turn students away. The high schoolers have a chance to get an up-close look at the daily regimen of a medical student. But the stop at the anatomy lab has proven a little too gross for a few. University officials say they had some teen-agers who’ve fainted during the lab tour. ***MARLAR: Compared to some of my old science teachers, a cadaver might be more interesting!
LIFE… LIVE IT
Lose weight by laughing! A study by Vanderbilt University in Nashville found that laughing can help you lose weight. Volunteers were shown clips from comedy films, and researchers found that 10 to 15 minutes of unforced laughter burned off enough calories to offset a medium-sized square of chocolate. ***MARLAR: Does this not prove that TV sitcoms are NOT funny? Otherwise we’d all be laughing enough that there wouldn’t be an obesity problem!
JUST FOR FUN
A three year old has shocked his parents by driving their car home from the nursery!
How young where you when you first began driving a car? 16? 15? Maybe as young as 14 or even 13 in some states? Get this… a THREE-YEAR-OLD stole his parent’s car and drove it home from the babysitters! Three years old! The boy’s mother left the keys in the ignition while she went into the babysitter’s for a brief moment. When she came out, the car had disappeared. The toddler’s father was painting outside their home when he saw his son park the car. That’s right… the three-year-old not only stole the car and drove it home, but PARKED it… in the garage! The mother said, “When I came out to the car it had gone. I could not believe the car was not where I had parked it.” At home, 300 meters away, Tobias’ father was painting his verandah, waiting for his wife and son to come home. He heard a loud bang in the garage and was shocked to see his son alone in the driving seat of the car. The car only had a few scratches, he said. The young boy says that his mother shouldn’t have left the keys in the ignition and that the garage was too narrow for the car.
WHAT MEN EXPECT IN A WIFE
- She will always be beautiful and cheerful.
- She could marry a movie star, but wants only you.
- She will have hair that never needs curlers or beauty shops.
- Her beauty won’t run in a rainstorm.
- She will never be sick–just allergic to jewelry and fur coats.
- She will insist that moving the furniture by herself, it’s good for her figure.
- She will be an expert in cooking, cleaning house, fixing the car or TV, painting the house, and keeping quiet.
- Her favorite hobbies will be mowing the lawn and shoveling snow.
- She will hate charge cards.
- Her favorite expression will be, “What can I do for you, honey?”
- She will think you have Einstein’s brain but look like Mr. America.
- She will wish you would go out with the boys so that she could get some sewing done.
- She will love you because you’re so sexy.
WHAT MEN USUALLY FIND IN A WIFE
- She speaks 140 words a minute, with gusts up to 180.
- Where there’s smoke, there she is — cooking.
- She lets you know you only have two faults: everything you do, and everything you say.
- If you get lost, open your wallet and she’ll find you.
MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…
BRAZILIAN KIDS LEARN ENGLISH WITH ELDERLY AMERICANS
So here’s a great, simple idea: Young Brazilians want to learn English. Elderly Americans living in retirement homes just want someone to talk to. Why not connect them? Ad agency FCB Brazil did just that with its “Speaking Exchange” project for a language school company. The young Brazilians and older Americans connect via web chats, and they not only begin to share a language – they develop relationships that enrich both sides culturally and emotionally.
OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP
In poverty-stricken, rural villages in South Asia, everyday life is a challenge. Most villagers are day laborers who struggle to meet their physical needs, and many are illiterate. In these areas, electronic luxuries like cell phones may seem unexpected. But strangely, they’re quite common. And that’s helpful for Gospel workers. They load a variety of electronic resources onto microSD cards and then share the content with local villagers so they can share Christ with others. https://t.co/2DYqNEPgq6
The country of Ghana is home to nearly 26 million people, around 71% of which are Christians. But many are missing one important thing. Many don’t have the resources or money to own a Bible themselves. In fact, many of the pastors don’t even have their own Bibles. That’s why CRI recently shipped a sea container full of half a million dollars’ worth of Bibles and Christian books to be distributed among the people of Ghana. https://t.co/kf4KgxyAzk
Archaeologists say they have found the buried remains of a mysterious monument close to Britain’s famous Stonehenge heritage site. Up to 90 standing stones, some originally measuring 15 feet and dating back some 4,500 years, were found burried under a bank of earth. The discovery was made at Durrington Walls — a so-called “superhenge” located less than 2 miles from Stonehenge — thanks to hi-tech sensors. http://yhoo.it/1NdGusD
AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT
Today’s sun bathing tip the boss’ office: Remember; never substitute fish oil for suntan oil – especially if you own a cat.
THE WAY WE WORK
(Updated as it comes available. The Way WE Work is written by Mark Elfstrand from 1160Hope.com in Chicago.)
Labor Day returns! I’d be interested to know, of all American holidays, which is the least recognized and celebrated? Many people don’t have a good working knowledge of Labor Day history.
Our actual holiday of Labor Day has an interesting history. The Christian Post shared some details of this a year ago. The article provides a good refresher.
Christians are divided on whether labor unions should be viewed as favorable. History has shown that many improvements in the workplace have come about through both the awareness and pressure applied by labor unions. That’s the good side.
But unions have also been known to be corrupt. Greedy. And, at times, violent in their treatment of those who don’t share their agenda. It’s hard to endorse that kind of organized labor.
But my blog today has a different focus. I’m recommending reading a fairly lengthy opinion piece in the New York Times. It’s titled, “Rethinking Work.”
The story opens with the troubling reminder that “nine out of 10 workers spend half their waking lives doing things they don’t really want to do in places they don’t particularly want to be.”
The article states that it was “Adam Smith, the father of industrial capitalism, who felt that people were naturally lazy and would work only for pay. ‘It is the interest of every man,’ he wrote in 1776 in The Wealth of Nations, ‘to live as much at his ease as he can.”’
That is a fairly brutal assessment that leaves me feeling parched for more meaningful work.
But it is why the Times opinion writer, Barry Schwartz, adds “Work is (still) structured on the assumption that we do it only because we have to. The call center employee is monitored to ensure that he ends each call quickly. The office worker’s keystrokes are overseen to guarantee productivity.”
There is, however, a different way to approach work. And it’s one of my favorite stories from this article:
About 15 years ago, the Yale organizational behavior professor Amy Wrzesniewski and colleagues studied custodians in a major academic hospital. Though the custodians’ official job duties never even mentioned other human beings, many of them viewed their work as including doing whatever they could to comfort patients and their families and to assist the professional staff members with patient care.
They would joke with patients, calm them down so that nurses could insert IVs, even dance for them. They would help family members of patients find their way around the hospital.
The custodians received no financial compensation for this “extra” work. But this aspect of the job, they said, was what got them out of bed every morning. “I enjoy entertaining the patients,” said one. “That’s what I enjoy the most.”
Now, while I can’t tell you these custodians are Christ followers, I can tell you that their attitude reflects the Godly command to all believers to work as if we are working for the Lord. Here’s the way the apostle Paul said it to the Ephesians:
“Servants, respectfully obey your earthly masters but always with an eye to obeying the real master, Christ. Don’t just do what you have to do to get by, but work heartily, as Christ’s servants doing what God wants you to do. And work with a smile on your face, always keeping in mind that no matter who happens to be giving the orders, you’re really serving God. Good work will get you good pay from the Master, regardless of whether you are slave or free.” Ephesians 6: 5-8, The Message
Do that…and your soul should be able to transform any work into a form of service in the most positive of ways. You might even call your work… a labor of love.
And with that…a Happy Labor Day.
That’s The Way WE Work.
THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER
Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).
SEPTEMBER 09, 2015…
Time Out Of Mind (opening in select cities)—Richard Gere has dropped out of the social structure to the point of being homeless. He goes through New York City, just wandering, and trying to connect with himself and reconcile with his daughter, too. “Time Out Of Mind” is rated R. No rating.
SEPTEMBER 11, 2015…
Sleeping With Other People—This film is a romantic comedy about two people with a definite problem. They cheat romantically on people. Jason Sudeikis is one person and Alison Brie is the other person. They discover each other and try to help each other get out of this pattern, only to find they really like being together. The cast includes Natasha Lyonne and Amanda Peet. “Sleeping With Other People” is rated R. No rating.
The Perfect Guy—You look for the perfect guy and after dating a few, here he comes. At last. Sanaa Lathan falls for Michael Ealy, but just who is he, anyway? Also in the cast is Morris Chestnut. “The Perfect Guy” Is rated R. No rating.
The Visit—What a premise for a horror film. It is about two children (Ed Oxenbould and Olivia DeJonge) who visit their grandparents for five days. Strange things happen and this is how-much-grossness-can-the-audience-take. Who directs the film? M. Night Shyamalan. “The Visit” is rated R. No rating.
SEPTEMBER 18, 2015…
Black Mass has Johnny Depp transforming himself into yet another memorable character. This time it is based on the real life of the infamous James “Whitey” Bulger.
Everest takes the audience on a scary trip up Everest in 1996 when a climbing group met adverse weather conditions. Stars Jake Gyllenhaal.
Maze Runner: The Scorch Trials is next in the line of books to be put on the screen. Stars Dylan O’Brien an Patricia Clarkson.
Sicario is about an FBI agent (Emily Blunt) who fights crime along the Mexico-U.S. border.
Cooties stars Elijah Wood as a teacher in a school where kids are turning into zombies.
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