September 13, 2016: Tuesday ONAIRprep

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AND NOW… ON WITH THE SHOW!

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20160913

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

I may sound a little weird this morning, but I’ll be fine as soon as I have my morning coffee. And I’ll have my morning coffee as soon as I can find my mouth.

Play Dungeons & Dragons at work and you’ll get fired, fast. Play Fantasy Football and it’s considered a “morale builder.”

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“The Lord detests lying lips, but He delights in men who are truthful.”  –Proverbs 12:22

He [Jesus] is before all things, and in him all things hold together. –Colossians 1:17

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again, Rejoice! — Philippians 4:4

Without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him. — Hebrews 11:6

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

“As long as the earth endures, seedtime and harvest, cold and heat, summer and winter, day and night will never cease.” — Genesis 8:22

Thought: We face one of two realities. One reality is this: tomorrow will come, the earth will turn, and the seasons will pass in their appointed order. The second reality, God will interrupt his appointed order; Jesus will come and we’ll share in his glory. These realities are as sure as the sun’s coming up in the morning and going down in the evening. Either way, God’s promises win out over our fears and Satan’s opposition. In other words, by God’s grace, we win!

Prayer: Thank you, Almighty Father, for your great and wonderful promises. I trust in tomorrow for I know you, that unless Jesus return, you will be there ensuring it and Jesus will be there guiding me through it. In the name of my Coming and Conquering Lord I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

Genesis 9:13 NIV = I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth.

TODAY IS TUESDAY – SEPTEMBER 13, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 1
08 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

This is FORTUNE COOKIE DAY. Fortune cookies were actually invented in America, in 1918 by Charles Jung.

Today is POSITIVE THINKING DAY.  ***MARLAR: At least, I’m pretty sure this is the day. Come to think of it, I’m not at all positive about that.

This is SUBSTITUTE TEACHER APPRECIATION WEEK.  ***MARLAR: We always appreciated our substitute teachers.  We appreciated that they didn’t know who the class clowns were, we appreciated that they didn’t know the old “Sharpie in the Eraser” trick, or that they didn’t know the most direct route to the Principal’s office . . .

Today is “LAW & ORDER” DAY. The popular TV series premiered on this date in 1990. (audio clip)

Today is MUPPET DAY, marking the TV premier of the original “The Muppet Show” on this date in 1976. (audio clip)

SCOOBY DOO DAY. Scooby-Doo debuted on CBS-TV on September 13, 1969. (audio clip)

Here are some facts you might not know about Scooby-Doo’s and his pals.

–The cartoon debuted on CBS September 13, 1969, and new episodes still air in syndication, making it the longest-running animated series ever.

–A CBS exec named the dog after hearing Frank Sinatra’s nonsense line “Scooby-dooby-doo” in his hit song “Strangers in the Night.”

–Scooby’s human co-stars Fred, Daphne, Velma and Shaggy were inspired by the “I Love A Mystery” radio show and the sitcom “The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis.”

–The show was originally titled “Mysteries Five And Who’s Scared?” before bigwigs settled on “Scooby-Doo, Where Are You?”

–The dog breed was chosen by a show artist, who was friends with the owner of an award-winning Great Dane.

–Scott Innes provided Scooby’s voice for the movie. On TV, the talking Great Dane was voiced by Don Messick, who also provided the vocals for Bamm-Bamm of “The Flintstones” and Yogi Bear’s buddy Boo-Boo.

–A young Dave Coulier was hired to supply various voices for the TV cartoon. Later, he starred with the Olsen twins on ABC’s “Full House.”

–Strict vegetarian Casey Kasem voices Shaggy on the TV and insists every snack his cartoon counterpart eats is completely meatless.

–Brainy Velma has never piloted the four-wheel-drive Mystery Machine van. At 15, she’s not old enough to have a driver’s license.

–In 1997, NASA scientists honored the series by dubbing a rock floating around Mars “Scooby-Doo.”

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Kids Take Over The Kitchen Day

National Celiac Awareness Day

National Peanut Day

Roald Dahl Day

Scooby-Doo Day

National Pet Memorial Day

COMING UP NEXT

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 14

National Kreme Filled Donut Day

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 15

8-Track Tape Day

Felt Hat Day

Google.com Day

Greenpeace Day

International Day of Democracy

International Dot Day

National Cheese Toast Day

RAINN Day (Rape Abuse Incest National Network)

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 16

Anne Dudley Bradstreet Day

Clean Up The World Weekend begins

Constitution Day/ Pledge Across America

International Day for the Preservation of the Ozone Layer )***You add to the carbon dioxide problem just by spouting that long name!)

International Grenache Day

Mayflower Day

National Tattoo Story Day

National Guacamole Day

National POW/MIA Recognition Day

National Trademen Day

Play-Doh Day

Stay Away From Seattle Day

Stepfamily Day

Trail of Tears Commemoration Day

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 17

AKC Responsible Dog Ownership Day

Batman Day

Big Whopper Liar Day

Boys’ and Girl’s Club Day for Kids

Citizenship Day

Constitution Day

International Country Music Day

International Eat An Apple Day

International Coastal Cleanup Day

Locate An Old Friend Day

National Gymnastics Day

National Monte Cristo Day

National Seat Check Saturday

Puppy Mill Awareness Day

Time’s Up Day

VFW Ladies Auxiliary Day

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 18

Air Force Birthday

Chiropractic Founders Day

Hug a Greeting Card Writer Day

National Ceiling Fan Day

National Cheeseburger Day

National HIV/AIDS and Aging Awareness Day

National Respect Day

Wife Appreciation Day

World Water Monitoring Day

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 19

Respect For The Aged Day

Talk Like a Pirate Day

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 20

Get Ready Day

National I.T. Professionals Day

ON THIS DAY

1916: A circus elephant named Mary was lynched in Erwin, Tennessee, as 5,000 people watched. She had killed three men. ***MARLAR: They knew she was guilty when, during questioning, she said she didn’t remember anything.

1943: Chiang Kai-Shek became president of China.

1948: Republican Margaret Chase Smith of Maine was elected to the U.S. Senate, becoming the first woman to have served in both houses of Congress.

1971: The four-day revolt at the maximum security prison in Attica, New York, ended when state police and National Guardsmen stormed the facility. Forty-two people died.

1989: A national study revealed that on an average day in the U.S. 169 women and 56 men got nose jobs. ***MARLAR: However, it was later discovered that half of those surgeries were just for Michael Jackson.

1993: Israeli Prime Minister Yitzhak Rabin and PLO Chairman Yasir Arafat shook hands after signing an historic peace agreement.

2003: An Argentinian man was refused treatment for a toothache because his medical records said he’d been dead for more than 20 years. Fifty-two-year-old Rafael Lanizante said the nurse even showed him his death certificate. He said he was so shocked the toothache went away.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1541: John Calvin returns to Geneva, where he will spend the rest of his life trying to establish a theocratic society at the request of city authorities who banished him three years earlier.

1635: The Massachusetts General Court banishes Roger Williams, 32, for, among other things, his outspoken advocacy of a separation of church and state. Williams went on to found Rhode Island and the first Baptist church in the American colonies.

1931: Pentecostal preacher Aimee Semple McPherson marries unknown vaudeville performer David Hutton. McPherson’s third marriage, it ended in divorce in 1934.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actor (“Boy Meets World”) Ben Savage 36 (audio clip)
  • actress (“Designing Women”, Kate Barnet on “Center of the Universe”, Sherry on “The District”, the voice of Dr. Possible on “Kim Possible”, First Lady Martha Logan on day five of “24”) Jean Smart 57 (audio clip)
  • actress (The Deep, Murder on the Orient Express) Jacqueline Bisset 72
  • cartoon character Woody Woodpecker 76 (audio clip)

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1874 : Arnold Schoenberg

1911 : Bill Monroe

1916 : Dick Haymes

1922 : Charles Brown

1925 : Mel Tormé

1939 : Dave Quincy (Manfred Mann)

1941 : David Clayton-Thomas (Blood, Sweat & Tears)

1943 : Ray Elliot (Them)

1944 : Peter Cetera (Chicago)

1949 : Steve Gaines (Lynyrd Skynyrd)

1952 : Randy Jones (Village People)

1952 : Don Was

1954 : Dan Hegarty (The Darts)

1956 : Joni Sledge (Sister Sledge)

1961 : Dave Mustaine (Megadeth)

1965 : Ringo Starr’s son, Zak Stakey is born.

1967 : Steve Perkins (Jane’s Addiction)

1977 : Fiona Apple

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

(edited from Creation Tips)

How do you invent a better optical lens? Scientists have gone to God’s creation to find the answers.

Scientists who have been stumped for years over how to invent better tiny lenses for optical computers have found the answer in one of God’s marine creatures. The brittle-star, a type of starfish, puzzled scientists because it seems to have no eyes but can escape quickly from predators. After some study, they found that the brittle-star’s body is covered with crystals that act as lenses. The crystals form a wonderful visual system for the creature that seems to be unique among life on earth. The researchers are now using the brittle-star’s crystal idea to fashion new micro-lenses. Results of their study were published in the journal Nature on August 23. Lead author of the paper, Dr. Joanna Aizenberg, said, “This study shows how great materials can be formed by nature, far beyond current technology.” It is interesting that it took some of the best scientific minds in the world to find a solution to the lens problem. Yet most evolutionists think the solution, the brittle-star’s ingenious lens system, evolved without a Creator. Crazy!

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE! Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

Francesca Battistelli announced over the weekend that she is now on Snap Chat. However, she might have a little catching up to do. She posted: I’m finally snappin! Is that what the kids are calling it?

Congratulations to Citizenway’s David Blascoe. He posted the time 2:48 over the weekend and added: You are looking at my new record for finishing an entire Chipotle burrito, adding that his previous record was 3 minutes flat.

(You’ll want to grab the audio from this one!) Sing along time in the Gokey car was a revelation for Danny. He posted: That moment you realize your kids sing better than you!  https://www.instagram.com/p/BKOVj5hj5r-/

Mandisa says being a football fan has its benefits. She posted after watching the Denver Broncos play the Carolina Panthers last week: My dream last night included Cam Newton and DeMarcus Ware’s smiles and dimples.

Jamie Grace asked for prayers for her mom and the rest of the family over the weekend. She shared: please pray for my family…my mom collapsed today and was rushed to the hospital. Jamie says chronic pain is something she fights daily and that day it was even worse then normal. However, Jamie added that the day had a definite God sighting. She said that normally the doctors haven’t heard of her mom’s rare condition. This time, the doctor on call not only had heard about it, but even had two other patients with the same illness.

Big Daddy Weave member Jason Weaver joined the rest of the band onstage last week for his first appearance since having both feet amputated to stop a devastating infection. The appearance took place at the Christian Music Broadcasters Momentum Conference where Big Daddy Weave received the “Rich Mullins Impact Award.” The band shared a photo on social media as their bass player sat on stage in a wheelchair and received a long, loud standing ovation. Jason is still recovering from the amputation earlier this summer but his brother Mike Weaver, the front man of the band, says they still hope he will eventually be able to return to the band.

http://www.christianpost.com/news/big-daddy-weaves-jason-weaver-hits-the-stage-for-first-time-since-feet-amputation-169291/

What is your favorite form of exercise? Kutless member James Mead posted “Been doing Fitness Blender lately, and I LOVE IT!! Great website and fun workouts!”

Casting Crowns members Megan Garrett and Melodee Devevo have differing views on dressing alike on stage. Megan posted: “She always wants to twin. I hate twinning.” Casting Crowns was playing at Disney’s Night of Joy over the weekend and Megan shared a picture. She said the two showed up for the show accidentally twinning, sporting the same look down to their necklace and shoes. Megan said Melodee was really happy and wouldn’t stop smiling.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BKJB0rxhRZo/

Jamie Grace posted: I wear “fur” and “feathers”. She said it’s her way of telling Fall, “pst. I’m ready.”

Mercyme was on stage for Disney’s night of Joy over the weekend. He family joined him for some time in the park prior to the concert, prompting front man Bart Millard to post: I believe there are 4 phases in life:

1. I will NEVER get on a roller coaster

2. I’ll ride so many times, I know exactly where the camera is.

3. I wonder if they tighten every bolt every day?

4. I will NEVER get on a roller coaster.

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. As on ONAIRprep subscriber, you can get a fully-produced, customized version of the Daily Dose of Weird News FREE with a station or show specific tag! Email darren@onairprep.com for details!)

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

Viscous Coffee, a café in Adelaide, Australia, sells a cup of super-coffee that contains five grams of caffeine — 80 times more than a normal cup of java and half the dose considered to be lethal. (Called the “Asskicker”) the strong beverage comes with a health warning for people with heart problems and blood pressure issues.  ***If that’s too strong, you do have the option of watering it down with a can of RedBull.

The BBC is lining up a new series of “slow television” shows after nearly a million people tuned in to documentary that featured nothing more than two hours of footage captured from the front of a bus traveling around a national park in Northern England. The slow TV show, titled All Aboard! The Country Bus, followed a bus along a 40-mile route around the picturesque national park, and was seen by an average of 800,000 viewers.  ***Followed next year by the big-budget follow-up movie, “Speed 3”.

Donald Trump and his daughter Ivanka Trump will sit down on The Dr. Oz Show on Thursday (September 15) where the Republican presidential nominee will talk about his “own personal health regimen.”  ***Followed shortly thereafter by an interview on Hillary’s health regimen by The Onion.

Fifty-year-old Janet Jackson is on doctor-ordered bed rest ahead of her baby’s birth.  *** Giving birth at fifty?  Now when her kid is a senior… she’ll be a senior too!

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

Be sure to drink plenty of water. This helps to prevent dehydration, which can cause confusion and memory problems. And be sure to get plenty of rest. Being tired can impair your memory as well. ***MARLAR: In other news, it’s been discovered that drinking water and getting plenty of sleep can improve your memory…

Our friends at Gallup have released another poll, and if you’re a member of Congress you might want to cover your ears. 15% approve of the job Congress is doing, and 81% disapprove.  ***MARLAR: But then, their moms weren’t allowed to vote, so this poll is totally bogus.

For most people, putting on deodorant is a necessary ritual on par with brushing teeth or washing hands. But for those who produce no armpit stench, it is totally unnecessary. Despite that, more than three-quarters of those people still use deodorant at least once a week, a new study finds.  The findings, published in the latest issue of the Journal of Investigative Dermatology, show just how much a person’s daily life is dictated by what’s considered normal.  ***MARLAR: Wait a minute – there are people whose armpits don’t stink?  We should clone these people, breed with them, make it illegal to procreate with anyone other than non-stinky-pit people.  Imagine the dramatic reduction in plastics we’d use simply by not needing deodorant…

According to a survey by ORI and The George Washington University Graduate School of Political Management, almost 2 in 3 voters believe political information on Facebook and other social media platforms has the same or higher quality than content from traditional news outlets.  ***MARLAR: But then, I did find this story on Twitter – so who knows?

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “George Washington’s I.D.”

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Kerri Pomarolli, “Dollar Store”

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TUESDAY’S EPISODE


OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle island of Razzleflabbin, everyone was running for their lives to get away from a Razzleflabbin called The Plaid Guy! Nobody knew why they were scared of him, but they were all terrified… and the Plaid Guy was about to catch Marvy when Marvy finally ducked behind a tree!

CLOSE: The Plaid Guy doesn’t seem all that scary anymore… but is it a trick? Is he really a nice guy, or is he secretly plotting to use Marvy to get the other Razzleflabbins to come out so he can get them all? Find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF SEPTEMBER 17/18

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name) and (Station Call Letters) bring you another inspiringly inspiring inspiration story from the never-ending deep-jungle soap-opera saga that is, As the Jungle Turns!

CLOSE: So we have a new story, about having a story – but the story hasn’t begun yet because everyone wants the story to be about them. Or maybe that IS the story. Whatever… find out next time, As the Jungle Turns.

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

A Bucharest man had a ton of garbage in his apartment – literally!

It has finally been removed by authorities. After the removal of the rubbish, the building had to be evacuated and disinfected. Says one neighbor, “We just couldn’t bear the smell. I think he’s kept rubbish in there for five years now. Nobody knows why he is collecting that junk. He doesn’t speak to any of us. We had to ask the authorities to intervene.” ***MARLAR: How does that saying go? “One man’s trash is another man’s… uh, trash.”

TOP TEN

TOP 10 WAYS YOU KNOW YOU MIGHT BE A NURSE

  • You have the bladder capacity of 5 people.
  • You have your weekends off planned for a year in advance.
  • You believe that “ask a nurse” is an evil plot.
  • You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if the phrase “wow, it’s really quiet” is uttered.
  • You mutter, “great veins” when being introduced to a stranger.
  • Your most common assessment question is, “What changed tonight to make it an emergency after 6 (hours, days, weeks months, years)?
  • You have been exposed to so many x-rays that you consider radiation a form of birth control.
  • You have ever had a patient say, “But I’m not pregnant; I can’t be pregnant, how can I be having a baby?”
  • You have ever had a patient control his seizures when offered some food.
  • You refer to motorcyclists as “organ donors.”

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

The perfect crime… the perfect getaway… but still, they end up in the files of Law & Disorder!

FILE #1: The latest crime of the century to hit Stockholm this week involved two robbers who forced security guards to hand over a money bag before making their getaway on a moped. Unfortunately for the crooks, the robbery wasn’t very profitable as the bags were empty.

FILE #2: Britain’s Kerry Lewis broke into a home and stole 10 bottles of Champagne, a TV and cement mixer, and loaded the goods into his van. There were just two problems. First, a neighbor spotted the crime. Second, the neighbor was able to give police a good description of the van right down to Kerry’s name, which was painted on the side in bold lettering.

FILE #3: How serious do police take those handicapped parking spaces?  A man in Omaha found out, when he parked in the handicapped space and got arrested.  It seems that he wasn’t handicapped.  And that he was on the parking lot of the police headquarters.  And that he was high on methamphetamine – smoking it right there in the police parking lot.  He was then taken to Creighton Medical Center where he agreed to have two small plastic bags of meth removed from his stomach.  Looks like they busted a Super Genius.

STRANGE LAW: Every citizen in South Carolina is obliged to carry his gun to church.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

An innocent mistake turned out to be prophetic for police in Milford, Massachusetts.

Through an extensive police sting operation, cops were able to arrest several known drug pushers. Alex Rivera, was a man high on their list. And while there was a warrant for his arrest, Rivera was still at large. By mistake, the police released his name to the newspaper as one of those arrested. Rivera saw the error and was so upset that walked into the police station to complain about the incorrect report that he was arrested. Police apologized and made the story right by arresting him on the spot.

PHONER PHUN

What’s the worst thing you or someone you know did to a teacher? Or are you a teacher willing to share a horror story?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: According to Jude’s epistle, who disputed with Satan over the body of Moses?
ANSWER: The archangel Michael (Jude 9)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: In 1819, the USA purchased Florida from Spain for how much?

ANSWER: Nothing. In fact, the USA “purchased” Florida as a cancellation of a $5 million debt Spain owed.

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. Heavier lemons produce more, and tastier, juice. (True)

2. In ancient Egypt, the only person who was allowed to wear cotton was the man of the house. (False – only the High Priest)

3. Burger King restaurants serve over 400 million ounces of orange juice a month. (False – annually)

4. The word “America” comes from the European explorer Amerigo Vespucci. (True)

5. Members of the Nazi SS had their blood type tattooed on their armpits. (True)

6. The first country to abolish capital punishment was Austria. (True, in 1787)

7. The worldwide “Spanish Flu” epidemic which broke out in 1918 killed more than 30 million people in less than a year’s time. (True)

8. One of the listed ingredients of Fruitopia fruit juice is real bug parts. (True… it contains cochineal—that’s a red dye made from the pulverized bodies of insects.)

9. Taiwan was known formerly as Mimosa. (False – Formosa)

10. The largest eggs in the world are laid by the ostrich. (False – a shark)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

_______ VOTED FRIENDLIEST PLACE ON EARTH! (NEW YORK CITY)

According to a worldwide study, the most welcoming place in the world is: New York City!

The Barnkopf Travel Study has unveiled the results of its readers choice survey on the world’s friendliest cities, with an American city (New York) being the friendliest and another American city (Los Angeles) being the least friendly.

New York City beat out beautiful cities in Brazil, Thailand, The Maldives and Italy to be the best… and was often referred to as the ‘Island of Magic’.  ”The people in New York City are so kind and friendly and nice… they are the nicest people on the planet,” said a tourist from Germany.

Meanwhile, Los Angeles – which boasts beautiful landscapes, was voted the least friendly place on Earth.  ”The people there are so rude and fake.  Very, very fake,” said a tourist from Denmark.  ”They smile on the outside but they are nasty on the inside.”

Mayor Bloomberg of New York City, however, was not voted the friendliest.  He had a 86% unfavorable rating with voters around the globe. Here’s the top ten (and bottom ten):

Friendliest cities:

1.  New York City, USA

2. Florianopolis, Brazil

2.  Rome, Italy

3. Thimpu, Bhutan

4. Queenstown, New Zealand

5. Charleston, South Carolina

6. Warsaw, Poland

7. Margaret River, Australia

8. Mandalay, Burma

9. Kilkenny, Ireland

10. Chiang Mai, Thailand

Unfriendliest cities:

1. Los Angeles, California

2. Baghdad, Iraq

3. Guantanamo Bay, Cuba

4. Luanda, Angola

5. Kuwait City, Kuwait

6. Lome, Togo

7. Seattle, Washington

8. Detroit, Michigan

9.  Beijing, China

10. Tangier, Morocco

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

Upon going away to college, my former brother-in-law received a hand mixer from his mother because of his fondness for mashed potatoes. Later that semester, she asked him how the mixer was working for him.

“Not very good,” Terry said, “the potatoes keep flying all over the kitchen.”

After a perplexed pause, his mother asked, “Terry, did you cook the potatoes first?”

To which a surprised Terry responded, “You have to cook the potatoes first?”

JOKE #2

A young salesman had asked his girlfriend to marry him. She said she would love to, but he would have to ask for her father’s permission. “He’s old-fashioned,” she said, “and he might not say yes to the first man who asks for his daughter’s hand. I sure hope that you can convince him.”

The young salesman thought about the upcoming interview for a very long time. When it finally came time to speak to his girlfriend’s father, he began by saying, “Sir, I have an idea that will save you lots of money…

JOKE #3

An elderly husband and wife noticed they were beginning to forget little things around the house. They were afraid that his could be dangerous so they decided to go see a doctor to get some help.  Their doctor told them that many people their age find it useful to write themselves little notes as reminders. This seemed like an excellent idea.

When they got home, the wife said, “Honey, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? Why don’t you write that down so you won’t forget?”

“Nonsense,” said the husband, “I can remember a dish of ice cream!”

“I’d also like some strawberries on it. You better write that down, because I know you’ll forget.”

“Don’t be silly,” replied the husband. “A dish of ice cream and some strawberries. I can remember that!”

“OK, dear, but I’d like you to put some whipped cream on top. Now you’d really better write it down now. You’ll forget,” said the wife.

“No problem, ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream.”

With that, the husband shut the kitchen door behind him. The wife could hear him getting out pots and pans and making lots of noise. He emerged from the kitchen about 15-minutes later.  Walking over to his wife, he presented her with a plate of bacon and eggs. The wife took one look at the plate, glanced up at her husband and said, “I knew you’d forget! Where’s the toast?”

USELESS FACTS

A study by the U.S. Centers For Disease Control and Prevention says that diabetes is most likely to be found in fat people.  ***In other news, it has been discovered that women are much more likely than men to get pregnant.

Olive oil was used for washing the body in the ancient Mediterranean world.  ***And that made Popeye a very happy sailor man.

FEATURED FUNNIES

A VERY MOVING EXPERIENCE
–Darren Marlar

The horrible experience of house hunting and then the unavoidable moving day has finally come to an end for me and my bride, Robin. Every time we visited an open-house we felt like the selling agent had just transferred from Bob’s Used Cars.
“So, Mr. Marlar, what’s it going to take to get you into this house today?”
“Zero-percent financing and employee-discount-pricing!” I enthusiastically reply.
“Done!” he says. But then I then see the wave of reality wash over his face. “Oh, wait a minute… that was my old job. What I meant to say was…”
“Too late, buddy,” I gleefully cheer. “Where do I sign, Suckerrrr!!!”
Still, our house payments are awful high even with zero-percent financing; probably due to the extras he talked us into. I’m not sure why I need rust proofing for the undercarriage of my vinyl siding, or road-side assistance for my fireplace – but then I’m not into home maintenance and repair, so I just trust the experts.
After walking through ninety-seven homes, I’ve noticed three key indicators that a house is a “lemon.”
1. A “Sunkist” sticker on the garage door
2. Three inspectors have mysteriously fallen ill while checking the water heater
3. House comes with extras like helmet, fire extinguisher and Jaws of Life
Fortunately, we found the right home for us and we made the move. There must be some unknown law of physics that explains why, with every relocation, you lose or break something. Somehow, I lost my favorite 52oz Bubba Keg coffee mug. Gone! The strange thing is that we only moved two-tenths of a mile. Seriously! From the apartment to the house I could’ve walked the blasted mug over in under three minutes. But somehow, placing the mug in a box with bubble wrap and pot holders triggered a kind of “inter-dimensional large-goblet gobbler,” sucking my Bubba-Keg into limbo where it will now float in a zero-gravity environment forevermore, bumping gently into lost airline luggage and socks who’ve yet to find their way back to their owners’ clothes dryers.
Less than 18 hours after the move we had our first crisis involving a family member. Her name is Patches. Apparently, cats love exploring – and an uncovered floor vent is an open invitation for feline spelunking. We woke our first morning to loud meowing – from the air ducts.
After dozens of calls, we finally found two companies that contained laughter long enough to send someone over. We also ended up greeting an animal-control specialist. Not sure how he got an invitation, but he had a truck and a really cool looking flashlight, so we let him in.
Two hours and numerous ripped-open air ducts later, we had our pain-in-the-whiskers pet in Robin’s arms. We then observed something truly ghastly. Either the trauma of the ducts was so terrifying that all of the cat’s fur instantly turned gray, or we desperately needed to clean the ducts of our new home. Turns out the latter was true, which stinks because a prematurely gray cat is a whole heck of a lot more affordable.
Cat-astrophe averted (sorry – such an obviously bad pun cannot be ignored), the three of us are fine now.
While I say I never want to move again, I am open to relocating to our permanent home awaiting us in our Father’s kingdom. I won’t have to worry about visiting dozens of homes to find the “right one for me.” I won’t have to settle on a home that is “good enough.” My home – my mansion, actually – is already there, empty, waiting for me to arrive. Of course, in this world I can’t afford a mansion – but allowing God to use me, I am already investing into the home I will someday have. The perfect home, designed precisely for me. It will have all of the luxuries and necessities needed for the perfect existence in everlasting life. I have no idea what kind of appliances would be used in Heaven – that could be an entire column in itself (and then some), but I do take comfort in knowing that God knows my needs both for here and for the hereafter. Realtors will be obsolete, air ducts will be unnecessary, moving trucks will be unheard of, cats will be well-behaved.
Back on this earth, however, if the day comes and Robin and I do have to relocate, the cat is not coming out of the vents until she finds my coffee mug. It has to be in there – it’s the only place I haven’t looked.

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

THAI NAME

Planning on taking a family vacation this summer? If you’re really into billboards and signs, you might want to take a trip to Thailand – they’re really proud of theirs.

The capital of Thailand has a new attraction for tourists… it’s their billboards! What’s so great about that? Well, the billboards have the capital’s name printed on them! Exciting, huh? I know… BIG DEAL. But the name itself – well that IS big! The city’s full name is Krungthep Mahanakhon Amon Rattanakosin Mahinthara Ayutthaya Mahadilokphop Noppharat Ratchathani Burirom Udomratchaniwet Mahasathan Amon Piman Awatan Sathit Sakkathatthiya Witsanukam Prasit. Not surprisingly, this name is so long that residents generally refer to the city by its shorter name of Krungthep – which means city of angels. Bangkok’s full name means “City of Angels, Great City of Immortals, Magnificent City of the Nine Gems, Seat of the King, City of Royal Palaces, Home of the Gods Incarnate, Erected by Visvakarman at Indra’s Behest.” The capital is now known as Bangkok, which means “City of Wild Plums.” ***MARLAR: Such a majestic title being turned in for something that essentially says, “Welcome to Prune Town.”

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION
I’m standing on a checkout line at a store across the street here. The line was long and slow. I’m kind of used to it. The woman at the register snippy and slower. The guy in front of me didn’t seem to mind and didn’t seem to be in any particular hurry. He chatted amiably with me.  And when he got up to the register, even chatted amiably with the woman at the register. How ‘ya doing with all these people?” he asked.

Without even looking at him, she just shrugged, said something about dealing with it.

“Well, you deal with it very well,” he said.

“I thank you.”

She looked up. And as she handed him a few bucks back in change, he grasped her hand.

“Keep it,” he said.

I couldn’t believe my ears. I don’t think she could either. She cocked her head. Then this most forgettable looking elderly gentleman said something I’ll never forget.

“The season’s tough, but it shouldn’t be. Have some fun.”

And he walked away. Just like that.

I think me and the cashier were the only ones who heard him. She never said a word …  not one word. But when I came up on line, she did manage one thing — a smile.

I wanted to rush and tell the old man about it. But something told me he already knew.

–By Neil Cavuto

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

GOT THIRST?

Read: Psalm 73:23-28
There is none upon earth that I desire besides You. —Psalm 73:25
Health experts tell us we should drink at least 64 ounces of water each day. It may reduce the risk of heart attack, give our skin a healthy glow, and help us lose weight. We should drink even more water during exercise or if we live in a hot or dry climate. Even if we’re not thirsty, we ought to drink water anyway.
Our thirst for God is even more beneficial. When we’re spiritually dry, we long to hear from Him through His Word, and we search for even a drop of knowledge about Him. When we’re exercising our faith in a new way, we want to be close to Him and receive His strength. Our thirst for God may increase when we see the sinfulness of people around us or when we gain a new awareness of our own sin and need for Him.
Spiritual thirst is a metaphor used throughout Scripture. Asaph thirsted for answers in his questioning psalm. When he saw the wicked prospering, he cried out to God to understand why (Psalm 73:16). He found the Lord to be his strength and realized that he desired nothing but Him (vv.25-26).
If we’re spiritually thirsty, we can follow Asaph’s example and draw near to God (v.28). He will satisfy us, yet give us a deeper thirst for Himself. We’ll learn to desire Him above all else.
—Anne Cetas

O sinner, won’t you come today to Calvary?
A fountain there is flowing deep and wide;
The Savior now invites you to the water free,
Where thirsting spirits can be satisfied.
—Peterson
© Renewal 1978, Singspiration, Inc.

A thirst for God can be satisfied only by Christ, the Living Water.

LEFTOVERS

A TOUR TO DIE FOR


Some South Carolina high school students are getting a close-up look at medical school, including the cadavers. Lynn Heard of the University of South Carolina medical school says the tours are so popular, they have to turn students away. The high schoolers have a chance to get an up-close look at the daily regimen of a medical student. But the stop at the anatomy lab has proven a little too gross for a few. University officials say they had some teen-agers who’ve fainted during the lab tour. ***MARLAR: Compared to some of my old science teachers, a cadaver might be more interesting!

LIFE… LIVE IT

Lose weight by laughing!

A study by Vanderbilt University in Nashville found that laughing can help you lose weight. Volunteers were shown clips from comedy films, and researchers found that 10 to 15 minutes of unforced laughter burned off enough calories to offset a medium-sized square of chocolate.  ***MARLAR: Does this not prove that TV sitcoms are NOT funny?  Otherwise we’d all be laughing enough that there wouldn’t be an obesity problem!

JUST FOR FUN

YOUNG DRIVER

A three year old has shocked his parents by driving their car home from the nursery!

How young where you when you first began driving a car? 16? 15?  Maybe as young as 14 or even 13 in some states?  Get this… a THREE-YEAR-OLD stole his parent’s car and drove it home from the babysitters!  Three years old! The boy’s mother left the keys in the ignition while she went into the babysitter’s for a brief moment. When she came out, the car had disappeared. The toddler’s father was painting outside their home when he saw his son park the car. That’s right… the three-year-old not only stole the car and drove it home, but PARKED it… in the garage! The mother said, “When I came out to the car it had gone. I could not believe the car was not where I had parked it.” At home, 300 meters away, Tobias’ father was painting his verandah, waiting for his wife and son to come home. He heard a loud bang in the garage and was shocked to see his son alone in the driving seat of the car. The car only had a few scratches, he said. The young boy says that his mother shouldn’t have left the keys in the ignition and that the garage was too narrow for the car.

FUN LIST

WHAT MEN EXPECT IN A WIFE

  • She will always be beautiful and cheerful.

  • She could marry a movie star, but wants only you.

  • She will have hair that never needs curlers or beauty shops.

  • Her beauty won’t run in a rainstorm.

  • She will never be sick–just allergic to jewelry and fur coats.

  • She will insist that moving the furniture by herself, it’s good for her figure.

  • She will be an expert in cooking, cleaning house, fixing the car or TV, painting the house, and keeping quiet.

  • Her favorite hobbies will be mowing the lawn and shoveling snow.

  • She will hate charge cards.

  • Her favorite expression will be, “What can I do for you, honey?”

  • She will think you have Einstein’s brain but look like Mr. America.

  • She will wish you would go out with the boys so that she could get some sewing done.

  • She will love you because you’re so sexy.

WHAT MEN USUALLY FIND IN A WIFE

  • She speaks 140 words a minute, with gusts up to 180.

  • Where there’s smoke, there she is — cooking.

  • She lets you know you only have two faults: everything you do, and everything you say.

  • If you get lost, open your wallet and she’ll find you.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

BRAZILIAN KIDS LEARN ENGLISH WITH ELDERLY AMERICANS 

So here’s a great, simple idea: Young Brazilians want to learn English. Elderly Americans living in retirement homes just want someone to talk to. Why not connect them? Ad agency FCB Brazil did just that with its “Speaking Exchange” project for a language school company. The young Brazilians and older Americans connect via web chats, and they not only begin to share a language – they develop relationships that enrich both sides culturally and emotionally.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

Wycliffe Associates has developed a new tool that enables indigenous Bible translators to translate the Bible into languages that are only spoken and have no written form. According to the organization, nearly 2,000 such languages are spoken today. In response, Wycliffe has now adapted their MAST translation program to include a Bible Translation Recording Kit that will facilitates Bible translation just as quickly for oral languages as it does for written ones. Each Bible Translation Recording Kit contains a computer tablet, special software, and recording equipment.

https://wycliffeassociates.org/who-we-are/for-the-press/press-release/665

The woman in an iconic photo shown kissing an ecstatic sailor in Times Square celebrating the end of World War II has died. According to ABC News, Greta Zimmer Friedman was 92. Friedman fled Austria during the war as a 15-year-old. She died Thursday at a hospital in Richmond, Virginia, from complications of old age. Greta Friedman was a 21-year-old dental assistant in a nurse’s uniform when she became part of one of the most famous photographs of the 20th century. Read the full story at http://abcn.ws/2c9qP51.

Long lines of Maryland residents and those in surrounding areas were expected Saturday at a BP gas station to receive free gas for their cars as part of a Maryland church’s effort to have a ministry like Jesus. The Christian Post reported last week that the First Baptist Church of District Heights would be hosting a “Gas Buy-Down” event. The goal was to allow locals to fill their gas tanks free of charge for up to $20. The event was co-sponsored by the local BP gas station. The pastor and many members of the church were at the gas pumps to service as many vehicles as possible. http://ow.ly/nv383044364

Ryan Stevenson made a special stop on his way to a concert in Florida over the weekend. He pulled up a chair at the Chick Fil A in Valrico, Florida and played a special concert for long-time employee Miss Mae and anyone else who happened to stop by. Miss Mae has been encouraging people who visit the restaurant for years so, when she came down with cancer, the community rallied around her. One of her dreams was to hear Ryan in concert and, when Ryan heard about her wish, he said he was all over it. Check out a video of his performance at https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=f7poRYmnCms&feature=youtu.be.

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Today’s sun bathing tip the boss’ office: Remember; never substitute fish oil for suntan oil – especially if you own a cat.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

SEPTEMBER 09, 2016…

The Wild Life—Here is another version of “Robinson Crusoe.”  This time, the film is animated and concerns the animals who peacefully live on the island until a human is washed ashore. They decide to help, but soon pirates are there, too. Voice of Colin Metzger. “The Wild Life” is rated PG. Rating of 2 for animation fans.

When The Bough Breaks—A couple who can’t conceive a child decide on a surrogate mother. Things don’t go smoothly here, at all.  Morris Chestnut and Regina Hall are the would-be parents, while Jaz Sinclair is the surrogate mother. “When The Bough Breaks” is rated PG 13. No rating.

Sully—It had to happen, a film about the heroic landing of a passenger plane on the Hudson River in 2009. Tom Hanks is Captain Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger, gray hair and all, and we see what happened before, during and after the plane went down. Clint Eastwood directs. Also in the cast are Aaron Eckhart and Laura Linney. “Sully” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

Before I Wake—Jacob Tremblay is a little boy without a family.  He is taken into a foster home and then adopted.  However, he has a problem.  He is afraid to go to sleep, fearing monsters.  Can he be helped? Also in the cast are Kate Bosworth and Thomas Jane. “Before I Wake” is rated PG 13.

(New Opening Date) Morgan—is a science fiction film about creating artificial life and decided whether to keep it or terminate it. Stars Kate Mara, Toby Jones, Michelle Yeoh and Anya Taylor-Joy. “Morgan” is rated PG 13. No rating.

SEPTEMBER 16, 2016…

Mr. Church is a different role for Eddie Murphy as he takes on the persona of a caring person helping a young girl and her sick mother.

Blair Witch is a sequel to the 1999 film with relatives of those disappeared going into the same wood area. Stars James Allan McCune.

Operation Avalanche concerns a government cover-up. Stars Matt Johnson.

Bridget Jones’s Baby and here is Renee Zellweger back as Bridget and pregnant. Who is the father?

Snowden has been put together by Oliver Stone and stars Joseph Gordon-Levitt as Snowden, the whistle-blower.

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WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.