September 15, 2015: Tuesday ONAIRprep

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PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20150915

 

 

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

I am ready to go!  I’ve already had my usual power meal before the show — a slice of baloney between two Eggos. Let’s get started!

 

 

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity. Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone. –Colossians 4:5-6 (NIV)

 

O LORD, hear my prayer, listen to my cry for mercy; in your faithfulness and righteousness come to my relief. –Psalm 143:1

 

If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. — Philippians 2:1-2

 

 

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

You, O God, do see trouble and grief; you consider it to take it in hand. The victim commits himself to you; you are the helper of the fatherless. — Psalm 10:14

 

Thought: Those who take advantage of people who are powerless, who are down on their luck, or who are in compromising situations, need to know that God sees their actions and will hold them accountable. Those who are in distress must keep their faith in God, trusting that he sees, cares, and will send his help at the right time. Those of us who fit neither category need to be working for the deliverance and blessing of those who are facing difficulties and hardships.

 

Prayer: Gracious God, please bless several people I know who are in times of real distress and heartbreak. Please use me to minister to them. But please, dear Father, fill them with your Spirit so they will have the strength and courage necessary to endure. Bless them with deliverance that is clearly from you, so that all will know your grace and give glory to you. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

 

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

 

 

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

2 Corinthians 9:15 NIV = Thanks be to God for his indescribable gift!

 

 

TODAY IS TUESDAY – SEPTEMBER 15, 2015

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 101 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.  

 

National Love Your Files Week begins today.  ***MARLAR: LOVE?  I can understand LOATHING your files… but LOVE?

 

Today is Respect For the Aged Day in Japan. It’s a national holiday.  ***MARLAR: Pretty good idea if you ask me.

 

Today is INTERNATIONAL SING-OUT DAY. ***MARLAR: Just do us all a favor and confine it to the shower, okay?

 

Today is NATIONAL WOMEN ROAD WARRIOR DAY. ***MARLAR: I’m too smart to say anything about this one.

 

Today is Someday, the day we’re all going to lose weight, start a business, learn another language, skydive, whatever.  ***MARLAR: We all have said we’d do something “someday” – well here it is.  Dagnabbit.  Now I have to go home after the show and clean out my sock drawer.

 

 

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Rosh Hashannah

8-Track Tape Day

Felt Hat Day

Get Ready Day

Google.com Day

Greenpeace Day

International Day of Democracy

International Dot Day

 

 

COMING UP NEXT

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 16

Anne Bradstreet Day

International Day for the Preservation of the Ozone Layer

Mayflower Day

National Guacamole Day

Play-Doh Day

School Backpack Awareness Day ***Huh? Are backpacks corrupting our kids without our knowing it?

Stay Away From Seattle Day

Stepfamily Day

Trail of Tears Commemoration Day

 

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 17

Citizenship Day

Constitution Day

International Country Music Day

RAINN Day (Rape Abuse Incest National Network)

Time’s Up Day

VFW Ladies Auxiliary Day

 

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 18

Air Force Birthday

Chiropractic Founders Day

Constitution Day/Pledge Across America

Hug a Greeting Card Writer Day

National Ceiling Fan Day

National Cheeseburger Day

National HIV/AIDS and Aging Awareness Day

National Respect Day

World Water Monitoring Day

Clean Up The World Weekend

National POW/MIA Recognition Day

National Trademen Day

 

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 19

Clean Up The World Weekend

AKC Responsible Dog Ownership Day

Big Whopper Liar Day

Boys’ and Girls’ Club Day for Kids

Fall Astronomy Day

International Eat An Apple Day

International Coastal Clean up Day

National Gymnastics Day

National Seatcheck Saturday 2015

Talk Like a Pirate Day

 

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 20

Clean Up The World Weekend

Puppy Mill Awareness Day

Nickelodeon’s Worldwide Day of Play

Wife Appreciation Day

 

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 21

International Day of Peace

Respect For The Aged Day

World Alzheimer’s Day

 

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 22

American Business Women’s Day

Car Free Day

Chainmail Day

Dear Diary Day

Elephant Appreciation Day

Hobbit Day

Ice Cream Cone Day

International Day of Radiant Peace

National Centenarian’s Day

National Rock n’ Roll Dog Day

National Voter Registration Day

National White Chocolate Day

National Woman Road Warrior Day

Yom Kippur

 

 

ON THIS DAY

1789: The U.S. Department of Foreign Affairs changed its name to the Department of State.

 

1821: Costa Rica, Guatemala, Honduras, Nicaragua, and El Salvador gained independence.

 

1917: Alexander Kerensky proclaimed Russia a republic.

 

1930: One of the world’s most popular comic strips, “Blondie,” first appeared. Blondie and Dagwood speak 33 languages in 1,800 newspapers in 58 countries. ***MARLAR: You wouldn’t think Dagwood would have enough time between sandwiches to learn 33 different languages, but there you go.

 

1935: The Nuremberg Laws deprived Jews of their citizenship and made the Swastika the official emblem of Nazi Germany.

 

1963: A church bombing in Birmingham, Alabama, killed four young black girls.

 

1989: Pulitzer Prize-winning author Robert Penn Warren, the first poet laureate of the United States, died.

 

1999: A man who tried to rob a bank in Dresden, Germany, got quite a surprise. Wearing a mask and carrying a gun, the would-be bandit cursed and fled when remodelers told him the bank had moved out several days earlier.

 

1999: Miss America 1999 Nicole Johnson completed one of her final obligations — to kiss a pig. The diabetic Johnson agreed to the stunt after the sugar substitute Equal offered $10,000 for American Diabetes Association research if she would kiss Wilbur, a black and white pig with a red bow around his neck. Since insulin comes from the pancreas of pigs, Johnson kissed Wilbur right on the snout — and twice again for photographers.

 

2004: The National Hockey League lockout began. The 2004-2005 season would ultimately be canceled.

 

 

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1648: The British Parliament approves the Larger and the Shorter Catechisms, now used by Presbyterian, Congregationalist, and Baptist congregations, are approved by the British Parliament.

 

1853: Antoinette Brown becomes the first female minister ordained in America.

 

1963: In a racially motivated attack, the 16th Street Baptist Church in Birmingham, Alabama, was bombed, killing four girls. The sermon that day was “The Love That Forgives,” based on Matthew 5:43-44.

 

 

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • McGruff, the crime-fighter dog 35 – that’s 245 in dog years! (
    )
  • actor (Lieutenant Shephard in The Rock, Officer Giraldi in World Trade Center, Jacks’ friend Fabrizio in Titanic) Danny Nucci 47
  • Actor/comedian (Uncle Teddy on “Rescue Me”, Gruff Grocer in Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events, barber shop car owner in Me, Myself & Irene) Lenny Clarke, 62 (
    )
  • Actor (The Fugitive, Men In Black) Tommy Lee Jones 69
  • Director (Any Given Sunday, JFK, The Doors) Oliver Stone, 69

 

 

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1903 : Roy Acuff

1924 : Bobby Short

1928 : Julian “Cannonball” Adderley

1933 : Pat Barrett (The Crew Cuts)

1939 : Jimmy Gilmer (Jimmy Gilmer and the Fireballs)

1941 : Les Braid (The Swinging Blue Jeans)

1942 : Signe Anderson (Jefferson Airplane)

1945 : Lee Dorman (Iron Butterfly)

1946 : Ola Brunkert (ABBA)

1960 : Mitch Dorge (Crash Test Dummies)

1976 : Ivette Sosa (Eden’s Crush)

 

 

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Did Julius Caesar ever eat Caesar’s Salad?
Yeah… right. We might as well ask if he ever ate Waldorf salad, Baked Alaska or Southern Fried Chicken. In the days of the Romaine, uh, Roman Empire, the Caesar Salad was unknown. And contrary to what many people think, Caesar’s Salad was not invented in Prince Mike Romanoff’s Hollywood restaurant, either. But Romanoff, who by the way was also not a prince, is credited with popularizing it and adding the anchovies. Caesar’s Salad was first tossed in Tijuana, where tourists wearing Roman sandals have passed through in legions, but never in Roman chariots, other than Alfa Romeos. Its creator was Caesar Gardini, the other Caesar, who put it together at his restaurant, Caesar’s Place, from romaine lettuce, egg and dressing.
Source: DICTIONARY OF WORD AND PHRASE ORIGINS by William and Mary Morris

 

 

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE! Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

 

Aaron Shust is focusing more on his own yard rather than on his neighbors yard. That was the analogy he used over the weekend while announcing changes to his social media usage. Aaron posted: Today I sadly stopped following many of you, dear friends in ministry and music, on Instagram. This may change in the future, but it’s something I’ve felt led to do for now. I need to obey that! https://instagram.com/p/7frK-HvGTH/

 

Jamie Grace is doing a little writing on the side. She reported over the weekend: at 3am this morning I finished my latest Screen Play. However, don’t expect a Jamie Grace movie any time soon. Jamie added: I don’t know why I love “writing movies” so much, or what I’ll ever do with them.

 

Jamie Grace was celebrating her mom’s return home over the weekend. Mona Harper has been experiencing health issues for some time and spent the last 30 days in Michigan working with a doctor there. According to the latest report, Jamie said that her mom is feeling 70 to 80 percent better. Mona shared: I am grateful for your prayers while we are waiting. God is faithful.

 

Hawk Nelson has hit the big time. A fan of the band shared: Getting a smoothie at a local place where I live and I saw y’all’s name on the specials drinks. In the window was a list of featured drinks including the Hawk Nelson Mocha. http://t.co/JDkk43BCh0

 

Kevin Max says he may be playing the role of a minivan driving soccer parent but in reality he is a grumpy biker.

 

A first for Sanctus Real front man Matt Hammitt over the weekend. He shared on Instagram: Just finished my first 5k in Orlando! Ran with lots of friends including the lovely Natalie Grant. http://t.co/6bcETyMIGx

 

Actress and producer Roma Downey joined with the Newsboys over the weekend to promote a new movie. Downey shared a picture with the Newsboys and announced her latest project, the film Ben Hur. It is based on the 1880 novel Ben-Hur: A Tale of the Christ by Lew Wallace. Filming for the project began earlier this year in Rome and the film is scheduled to release in late February of 2016.

 

Colton Dixon is officially engaged. The Christian artist proposed to his girl friend, Annie Coggeshall, while at Disney World in Florida over the weekend. Colton then took to instagram to share a picture. He posted: She said yes!!!! with the hash tags: best day ever and I cried, she didn’t. http://t.co/lQ0oUVqVE4

 

 

WEIRD & WACKY

Utah twins pregnant again with 2nd set of twins    photo
LINDON, Utah (AP) — Kerri Bunker and Kelli Wall know a thing or two about twins. The two women are identical twins who already each have one set of twins. Now, they are getting ready to each have a second set of twins next spring, KSL-TV reports (http://bit.ly/1KbrJBy). “To have twins twice…

 

New York grilled-cheese truck wins top street food award
NEW YORK (AP) — A New York grilled-cheese food truck whose proceeds go to help formerly incarcerated youths has won the top Vendy award for best street fare. The Street Vendor Project sponsors the annual event. It announced this year’s Vendy Cup winner is Snowday, a truck specializing in…
New England experts concerned by sighting of invasive turtle    photo
BOSTON (AP) — Two odd-looking Chinese soft-shelled marsh turtles raised for food in Asia have been seen south of Boston, and there’s concern they could eventually threaten local ecosystems if they become established in New England. New England Aquarium experts said Saturday it is possible…
Police: Exotic Australian bird loose in New Hampshire
BOW, N.H. (AP) — Police are warning a New Hampshire town to watch out for an emu on the loose. Bow police say several people have reported seeing an emu wandering around Saturday morning. They say they don’t know where the bird belongs. Emus are among the largest birds in the world and are…
Dog park committee enlists land-clearing specialists: goats
PORTSMOUTH, R.I. (AP) — A new dog park in Rhode Island got some help from a group of land-clearing specialists: goats. Organizers used a herd of the ravenous ruminants to clear brush from a plot of land in Portsmouth that will eventually be turned over to man’s best friend. HASH(0x1443b80)…
Colonoscope helps Thai police recover stolen 6-carat diamond
BANGKOK (AP) — The good news for the Chinese visitor to Bangkok was that a doctor had successfully removed a foreign object from her large intestine that could have damaged her digestive system. The bad news: It was a 10 million baht ($278,000) diamond the woman was accused of stealing from a…
Missing 100-pound tortoise found unharmed on side of NJ road
UNION TOWNSHIP, N.J. (AP) — A 100-pound tortoise is back with its owner after meandering more than a mile away from its northern New Jersey home. NJ.com reports (http://bit.ly/1iESjwR ) a motorist spotted Sulley on the side of a road Friday and called the state police. Pattenburg Volunteer…
Spanish police spot stolen $13,600 racing bicycle on sale
MADRID (AP) — Spanish police say they’ve recovered a prized bicycle belonging to an international racing team taking part in the Spanish Vuelta cycling race after finding it on sale in a secondhand store for a ridiculously low price. Officers in the Mediterranean port of Malaga recovered the…
Miss America shoe parade hits the Atlantic City Boardwalk    photo
ATLANTIC CITY, N.J. (AP) — Contestants in the 2016 Miss America pageant sporting butterflies, snowflakes, dice, potatoes and dinosaurs on their shoes hit the Atlantic City Boardwalk Saturday evening for the annual “Show Us Your Shoes” parade. Most of the shoes have designs specific to their…
Kansas State Fair offers hairy competition
WICHITA, Kan. (AP) — Mustaches and beards will be judged along with livestock for the first time this year at the Kansas State Fair. HASH(0x13d1880) Among the categories in the competition are best in show, natural mustache with no styling, freestyle mustache, and female’s fake facial hair,…
Man flees San Francisco police by jumping in water
SAN FRANCISCO (AP) — A motorcyclist who hit another biker and then sped away from police tried to escape by jumping into icy San Francisco waters. He was later arrested. On Thursday afternoon, a California Highway Patrol officer attempted to stop the motorcyclist for driving on a freeway…

 

 

 

HEALTH & FITNESS

Big jump in number of immigrants losing health law coverage    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — A change in government procedures has led to a big jump in people losing coverage under the Obama health care law because of immigration and citizenship issues. More than 400,000 had their insurance canceled, nearly four times as many as last year. The Obama administration…

 

Heroin epidemic puts pressure on schools to get antidote    photo
PROVIDENCE, R.I. (AP) — The heroin epidemic that has been taking the lives of teenagers for years is creeping into even younger age groups and putting pressure on the nation’s schools to keep a fast-acting overdose antidote within reach of every nurse and teacher. Although overdoses at school…
In Zimbabwe, a cemetery has become an exercise hotspot    photo
HARARE, Zimbabwe (AP) — Caroline Vumbunu believes that exercising among the dead helps prolong her life. Every morning, the 59-year-old takes power walks in the Warren Hills cemetery in Zimbabwe’s capital. She’s not alone. The cemetery has become a workout site for dozens of other Zimbabweans…
New federal food safety rules issued after deadly outbreaks    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — Food manufacturers must be more vigilant about keeping their operations clean under new government safety rules released Thursday in the wake of deadly foodborne illness outbreaks linked to ice cream, caramel apples, cantaloupes and peanuts. The rules, once promoted as an…
Fitness programs help campus rabbis shape up    photo
CONCORD, N.H. (AP) — As an Orthodox Jew, Rabbi Moshe Gray may not need a cross. But CrossFit? That’s another story. Gray, the director of a Jewish center at Dartmouth College, hits the high-intensity core strength and conditioning program five days a week. And he’s not the only campus rabbi…
California lawmakers approve right-to-die legislation    photo
SACRAMENTO, Calif. (AP) — California lawmakers gave final approval Friday to a bill that would allow terminally ill patients to legally end their lives. The measure faces an uncertain future with Gov. Jerry Brown, a former Jesuit seminarian who has not said whether he will sign it. Senators…
Study suggests getting blood pressure even lower saves lives    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — Aiming lower saves more lives when it comes to controlling high blood pressure, says a major new study that could spur doctors to more aggressively treat patients over 50. Patients who got their blood pressure well below today’s usually recommended level significantly cut…
Veterans’ home eases some restrictions after deadly bacteria    photo
QUINCY, Ill. (AP) — The scent of chlorine permeates an Illinois veterans’ home where nine elderly residents have died from a recent outbreak of Legionnaires’ disease. Although a ban on showers has been lifted, hand-written signs still warn against drinking from fountains and stacked cases of…
Uncertainty reigns over possible end of 9/11 health programs    photo
NEW YORK (AP) — Fourteen years after the 9/11 attacks, a new round of uncertainty looms for people exposed to the million tons of toxic dust that fell on New York when hijacked jets toppled the World Trade Center. Two federal programs that promised billions of dollars in compensation and…
Pelosi: Judge’s ruling in health care lawsuit ‘astounding’
WASHINGTON (AP) — House Democratic leader Nancy Pelosi said Thursday she is astonished by a judge’s ruling that clears the way for a Republican challenge to President Obama’s health care law to move ahead. Pelosi told reporters at her weekly news conference she’s confident that Wednesday’s…
Regulators halt study of cancer risks at 7 nuclear plants
HARTFORD, Conn. (AP) — Federal regulators are pulling the plug on a five-year study of the risk of cancer in communities around six U.S. nuclear plants and a nuclear fuel site. Remaining work on a pilot study would take too long, at more than three years, and cost too much, at $8 million, the…

 

 

 

NEWS KICKERS

(None on the weekends)

 

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

A Pennsylvania man has been arrested after he allegedly punched his older brother for eating three Big Macs and not saving one for him.  ***Either that, or he was punching his brother in the chest to get his heart beating again after eating three Big Macs.

 

The NFL season has officially begun. ***MARLAR: You know what that means!  It’s time for Fantasy Football – which, let’s face it, is just “Dungeons and Dragons” for jocks.

 

The wealthy son of a Swiss millionaire was sentenced to two years probation and a $33,000 fine after he torched his Ferrari 458 so that he could use the insurance money to buy the latest model.  *** Gee, you gotta feel sorry for the filthy-rich, don’t you?  They have such awful problems.

 

Not only are Americans not using all their vacation time, they aren’t doing much relaxing during the days they do take off. According to a survey of 1,000 adults (by Princess Cruises) a majority of Americans spend vacation days dealing with various errands, and many of them feel guilty about relaxing.  ***Not me.  Heck, I don’t even look at the “honey do” list.  That in itself is “work” in my opinion – and it’s my day off.

 

A new study from the University of Illinois reveals that 9- and 10-year-old children who are aerobically fit tend to have significantly thinner gray matter. Thinning of the outermost layer of brain cells in the cerebrum is associated with better math performance.  *** (SIDEKICK: I’m not buying this at all.  Aerobically fit?  Do they really expect us to believe that elementary school kids can fly?)  No, they’re saying aerobically – you’re thinking of aerodynamic.  (SIDEKICK: What’s the difference?)

 

The “Washington Post” reports the company that managed Hillary Clinton’s private email server says it does not know if the system was ever “wiped” of data, meaning it is possible that emails deleted by the former secretary of State could be recovered.  ***I’ve already got the popcorn popping – this is going to get good!

 

 

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

A study commissioned by Zipcar, the car-sharing service, says Millennials would be more devastated if they parted with their smartphone than if they had to ditch their car.  ***MARLAR: Which makes sense.  I mean, have you tried updating your Twitter using a gear shift?

 

A new study finds that breaking wind while one is flying is healthy and recommended.  AFP reports that Danish gastroenterologist Jacob Rosenberg got the idea for the study after dealing with flatulence from several passengers during a flight from Copenhagen to Tokyo.  ***MARLAR: Hopefully the TSA will now allow passengers to bring gas masks onboard.

 

You know all the times that men complain about women talking too much? Apparently there’s a biological explanation for the reason why women are chattier than men. Scientists have discovered that women possess higher levels of a “language protein” in their brains, which could explain why females are so talkative. Previous research has shown that women talk almost three times as much as men. In fact, an average woman notches up 20,000 words in a day, which is about 13,000 more than the average man. In addition, women generally speak more quickly and devote more brainpower to speaking. Yet before now, researchers haven’t been able to biologically explain why this is the case. Now, they can. New findings show that a certain protein may be the culprit.  ***MARLAR: So, women talk so much because of a language protein?  That’s it – my wife is going vegan whether she wants to or not.

 

The National Eye Institute says half of all Americans have some sort of vision problem.  The Institute analyzed data from the National Health and Nutrition Examination Survey on 12,000 people aged 20 and older. More than 33% were nearsighted and 36% has astigmatism. Another 3.6% were farsighted.  ***MARLAR: At least, I think that’s what the study said – I didn’t have my reading glasses.

 

 

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Square Meal, Round Plates”

 

 

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Tim Hawkins, “Angel Dream”

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TUESDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, all of the jungle animals had gathered together to go on a picnic. But Gruffy Bear, seeing the potential for this to be one of the best – if not THE best – picnics ever, had decided that the picnic won’t begin until they find the absolutely perfect picnic spot!

 

CLOSE: Boy, Gruffy really is being picky! Maybe they’ll find the perfect picnic spot next time… As the Jungle Turns!

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF SEPTEMBER 19/20, 2015
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, all of the jungle animals were on the lookout for the perfect picnic spot so they could have the perfect picnic. They’ve already passed some great places, and everyone wanted to stop and have their picnic… but Gruffy still isn’t satisfied, and is insisting they move on!

 

CLOSE: Is he kidding?!?! There can’t possibly be a better spot than that – and everyone is hungry and tired! What more does Gruffy want? Find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

 

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of As the Jungle Turns in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us.

 

 

MOMENT OF DUH

Today’s Moment of Duh contains three interesting elements… a robber, a gold chain, and the Heimlich maneuver.

Furio Romano snatched a gold chain from around a woman’s neck and sprinted away down the street. He didn’t get very far, however. He stuffed the chain in his mouth as he ran and as he began to breathe harder he sucked the necklace down his windpipe and fell choking to the ground. Luckily for him the cops were close behind and gave him the Heimlich maneuver before arresting him.

 

 

TOP TEN

TOP TEN CARDS FROM HALLMARK THAT WERE NEVER APPROVED

 

  1. My tire was thumping.

I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire,

I noticed your cat.

Sorry!

 

 

  1. Looking back over the years that we’ve been together,

I can’t help but wonder… “What the heck was I thinking?”

 

 

  1. Congratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad no one likes your husband.

 

 

  1. How could two people as beautiful as you…

Have such an ugly baby?

 

 

  1. As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am…

That you’re not here to ruin it for me.

 

 

  1. Congratulations on your promotion.

Before you go…

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You’ll probably need it again.

 

 

  1. Happy birthday! You look great for your age.

Almost Lifelike!

 

 

  1. When we were together,

you always said you’d die for me.

Now that we’ve broken up,

I think it’s time you kept your promise.

 

 

  1. I’m so miserable without you

it’s almost like you’re here.

 

 

  1. Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday.

So we’re having you put to sleep.

 

 

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

A Georgia woman came home from a 2 ½ week vacation and found a stranger living in her house!

 

FILE #1: …The stranger was also wearing her clothes and even ripping out carpet and repainting a room she didn’t like.  Authorities say they can’t explain why 54-year-old Beverly Valentine broke into an empty home and started acting like it was her own.  Valentine redecorated the home, ripped up carpet and took down the owner’s pictures and replaced them with her own.  If convicted, she could face one to 20 years in prison.  ***MARLAR: But the good news is that she can decorate her cell anyway she’d like!

 

FILE #2: A driver recently pulled up beside a patrol car in Charleston, South Carolina and asked to speak to the officer. He then pointed to a speeding car and told the cop that he had clocked the driver doing 55 mph in a 30 mph zone and asked the officer to chase him down to issue him a ticket. Instead, he gave a ticket to the Good Samaritan.  Why? Two reasons: One, the officer explained that the only way he could have clocked the speeding vehicle was if he indeed was engaging in speeding as well, and two, because the car in question was an unmarked police car responding to a call.

 

FILE #3: A Florida judge has sentenced career bank robber Forest “Woody” Tucker to 13 years, deeming the man “dangerous”. What makes this odd is the fact that Tucker is 80 and can only move with the aid of a walker.  Tucker isn’t your typical “grandpa-type”. The 80-year-old from Jupiter, Florida, has broken out of prison 18 times since the 1930’s. His latest heist, for $5,600 was, he said, to pay the bills of a dying friend. He was captured by police after a 45 mph car chase!

 

STRANGE LAW: In Dyersburg, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to call a man for a date.

 

 

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

If you are too drunk to drive, you might want to think about ditching the assault rifle. And the cocaine. Ditto the marijuana. And you definitely don’t want to pretend you’re a police officer.

Mohammed Faizal Taki of Duluth, Georgia pulled up to a McDonalds at 4:30 in the morning, slurring his words as he asked the attendant of the drive-thru if he could provide change for a hundred dollar bill. That’s when the clerk noticed the assault rifle. The driver said he was a police officer.  The driver then passed out.  The clerk called the police.  When the driver woke up, he was angry that he didn’t get his change and drove off. The police found him in a parking lot nearby half-asleep. They found the rifle, cocaine (both in the car and in a baggy in his shoe), marijuana and ammunition.  Anyone can get charged for drug possession. Anyone can get charged for driving drunk. However, only a true genius can get charged with driving under the influence, possession of marijuana and cocaine, impersonating an officer, carrying a concealed weapon, and possession of a firearm by a convicted felon all in the same night.

 

 

PHONER PHUN

It’s International Sing-Out Day – so here’s your chance to do exactly that! Give us a call and belt out your favorite song for ten seconds – we’ll make you a star!

 

 

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Moses called one place Taberah, because God killed some of the people with what?
ANSWER: Fire. (Numbers 11:1-3)

 

 

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: How many steel cans are recycled every second?

ANSWER: 630

 

 

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

 

  1. In 1995, KFC (Kentucky Fried Chicken) sold 2 pieces of chicken for every man, woman and child in the US. (False – eleven!)

 

  1. Each year Americans consume almost half of the entire world’s chocolate supply. (True… over 3.1 billion pounds a year!)

 

  1. In an authentic Chinese meal, the last course is soup. (True, because it allows the roast duck entree to “swim” toward digestion.)

 

  1. In the United States, a pound of potato chips costs two hundred times more than a pound of potatoes. (True)

 

  1. Large doses of coffee can be lethal. (True. Ten grams, or 100 cups over 4 hours, can kill the average human.)

 

  1. Laws forbidding the sale of ice cream sodas on Sunday prompted William Garwood to invent the ice cream sundae. (True – in Evanston, IL, in 1875)

 

  1. Meteors have destroyed three satellites so far. (False. A meteor has only destroyed one satellite, which was the European Space Agency’s Olympus in 1993.)

 

  1. Before air conditioning was invented, white cotton slipcovers were put on furniture to keep the air cool. (True)

 

  1. Every day, the Hubble telescope transmits enough data to fit 100 computer disks. (False – it’s enough for 10,000 standard computer disks)

 

  1. Cubic Zirconia is lighter than real diamonds. (False – it’s 55% heavier than real diamonds)

 

 

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

U.S. _________ SHUTTING DOWN (POST OFFICE)

WASHINGTON – The U.S. Post Office is bankrupt and will be closing for good on December 1, 2015.

The United States Postal Service is so low on cash that it won’t be able to make a $5.5 billion payment due this month and will, therefore, have to shut down.

The last day of mail delivery will be December 1, 2015.  “There’s no way we can handle the holiday rush this year, we can barely handle a normal delivery day,” said a Post Office insider.

The Obama Administration feel that the shut down will save money and they do not feel that Americans will miss their mail.  “Most Americans get everything they need in email.  And most Americans only get bills in the mail.  So if we cut out the post office, we will save Americans on bills,” said the White House Press Secretary.

 

 

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY

JOKE #1

God said unto Adam, “You have been quiet lately – is there something wrong?”

Adam said he didn’t have anyone to talk to. So God said that He would make him a companion and that it would be a woman. And God said “A woman will gather food for you, cook for you and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you have a disagreement.”
Adam asked “What will it cost me?”
God replied “An arm and a leg.”

So Adam asked “What can I get for a rib?”

 

 

JOKE #2

This older man was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to receive the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.

“Yes Dad, what is it?”

“Don’t be nervous, do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife.”

 

 

JOKE #3

When I was working as a clerk at a sporting-goods store, a woman came up to my register with a package of white athletic socks. “Will you open this up so I can see how the socks feel?” she asked.

Reluctantly I tore open the package, and she scrutinized the merchandise. She handed me the package, saying, “I’ll take them.”

Relieved, I started to ring her up, until she interrupted me. “Can I have another pack? This one’s been opened.”

 

 

USELESS FACTS

On April 4, 1974, John Massis of Belgium pulled two New York Long Island railroad passenger cars totaling 80 tons with a thick rope, with a small bit attached, using only his teeth.  ***MARLAR: When asked why he’d try such an outlandish stunt, Massis replied, “Eiff juft woonted toof shee ifsh Eiff kood droo it.”  (I just wanted to see if I could do it.)

 

A United Kingdom taxi driver has fitted a karaoke machine in the back seat of his cab. Kevan Jackson says the idea started off as a joke, but now his customers can’t get enough. Passengers can choose from more than 200 songs. The words appear on a mini television screen in the back seat. ***MARLAR: I can just imagine being stuck in rush-hour traffic while some guy in the back seat is belting out, “I Can’t Drive 55!”

 

 

FEATURED FUNNIES

NOT FEELING WELL

 

Thought I’d let my doctor check me

Cause I didn’t feel quiet right.

All these aches and pains annoyed me,

And I couldn’t sleep at night.
He could find no real disorder,

but he wouldn’t let me rest.

What, with Medicare and Blue Cross

It wouldn’t hurt to do some test.
To the hospital he sent me,

Though I didn’t feel that bad.

He arranged for them to give me,

Every test that could be had.
I was floroscoped and cystoscoped,

My aging frame displayed,

Stripped upon an ice-cold table

While my gizzards were x-rayed.
I was checked for worms and parasites

For fungus and the crud,

While they pierced me with long needles

Taking samples of my blood.
Doctors came to check me over,

Probed and pushed and poked around,

And to make sure I was living,

They wired me for sound.
They have finally concluded,

(Their results have filled a page)

What I have will someday kill me,

My affliction is old age.

 

 

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

STAYING ALIVE

Ever heard of someone being rewarded for NOT dying?

Andrew Carter has just received $3,200 from his insurance company! Why? Because… well… because he’s alive! The insurance company’s studies predicted that Andrew had zero chance of outliving the $1,000 life insurance policy he bought fifty-five years ago. Well, they were wrong… he’s now 95 years old. Workers from Country Insurance and Financial Services made a special trip to deliver the check to his home. The $3,200 was the face value of Mr. Carter’s original policy, plus additions he bought over the years. ***MARLAR: Imagine that. You have a bunch of people in business suits stopping on your doorstep, and saying, “Congratulations on not dying! Your life is worth $3,200!”

 

 

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

WHERE IS HAPPINESS FOUND?
According to one writer:

NOT IN UNBELIEF. Voltaire was an infidel of the most pronounced type. He wrote: “I wish I had never been born.”

NOT IN PLEASURE. Lord Byron lived a life of pleasure if anyone did. He wrote, “The worm, the canker, and grief are mine alone.”

NOT IN MONEY. Jay Gould, the American millionaire, had plenty of that. When dying, he said: “I suppose I am the most miserable man on earth.”

NOT IN POSITION OR FAME. Lord Beaconsfield enjoyed more than his share of both. He wrote, “Youth is a mistake; manhood a struggle; old age a regret.”

NOT IN MILITARY GLORY. Alexander the Great conquered the known world in his day. Having done so, he wept, because he said, “There are no more worlds to conquer” (The Bible Friend).

As most of us have learned the hard way, if we live for happiness we have found that it is about as elusive as searching for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

Nathaniel Hawthorne, who lived from 1804 to 1864, said the following: “Happiness in this world, when it comes, incidentally. Make it the object of pursuit, and it leads us on a wild-goose chase, and is never attained. Follow some other object, and very possibly we may find that we have caught happiness without dreaming of it.”

Another has said, “Happiness is having something to live for that is bigger than yourself.”

What better purpose could any of us have than to live primarily for God with the genuine desire to be a part of his plans and what he is doing in the world today?

This can lead to contentment and that can make us happy!

 

 

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

COMMON GROUND

READ: Acts 17:22-31
That I might win those who are without law. —1 Corinthians 9:21

Roman emperors are not generally remembered for their wisdom, but there are a few exceptions. One great thinker was Marcus Aurelius, emperor of Rome from AD 161 to 180. Gifted with a brilliant mind, he was one of the great intellectual rulers in Western civilization.
Although he never became a convert to the new faith that would be called Christianity, he displayed remarkable insight. His wisdom reflects the law of God written in the heart of someone who did not have God’s Word (Rom. 2:14-15). For example:

  • The happiness of your life depends on the quality of your thoughts.
    • You have power over your mind—not outside events.
    • Your life is what your thoughts make it.

These words sound similar to Proverbs 23:7, “As [a person] thinks in his heart, so is he.” We can learn helpful principles from non-Christians and use their beliefs as common ground for sharing the gospel. When Paul stood on Mars Hill addressing some of the leading intellectuals of his day, he did not belittle their beliefs but established common ground with them and then gave the gospel (Acts 17:26-28).

 

Let’s look for common ground with our neighbors, so that we may lead them to Christ. —Dennis Fisher

 

What common ground do you share with your friends?
A faith worth having is a faith worth sharing.

 

 

LEFTOVERS

LA-Z-JOB

Wouldn’t it be great to test the comfort of La-Z-Boy recliners for a living? One worker says it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. Yeah… right.

Tim Nelson, a La-Z-Boy recliner tester says the job of sitting down, kicking his feet up, and rocking back and forth in the company’s chairs all day is much harder than it looks: “It’s not like they give us popcorn and a TV set to watch” he says. “Up and down all day can be a workout.” Actually, Tim’s co-workers agree with him. Other testers say the job is one of the hardest at the Dayton, Tenn., plant because testers must certify the comfort and balance of up to 130 recliners a day. ***MARLAR: You know, I say the same thing about how tough it is to be a DJ. People don’t believe me either.

 

 

LIFE… LIVE IT

Do you get a headache whenever you fly? You’re not the only one.

Israeli researchers said yesterday that flying in a plane can be a real headache – literally! Headaches associated with air travel appear to be a “huge and painful problem.” In a study of 906 men and women who had traveled more than once by plane, nearly 6% reported that they experienced headaches. Based on 3.3 billion seats available each year on commercial flights, with 70% occupancy, more than 100 million people suffer from flight-associated headaches. Stress, poor air quality, engine noise, barometric pressure and the smell of jet fuel can contribute to flight headaches.

 

 

JUST FOR FUN

It’s the latest translation of the bible… for Australians!

Australians baffled by the King James Bible can now try a new translation by journalist Kel Richards. “The Aussie Bible” retells Bible stories in Outback lingo, and it’s even received the official blessing of the Anglican Church. In it, Jesus is visited by the “Three Wise Guys,” His father Joseph is called just plain “Joe,” and the Good Samaritan is described as a “really ordinary bloke you wouldn’t look twice at,” who happens on a man who was “left good as dead” by a bunch of bushrangers, patches him up with his first aid kit, and takes him to a pub.  ***MARLAR: Personally, I like the part where Jesus feeds the multitudes by throwing another shrimp on the barbie.

 

 

FUN LIST

SIGNS YOUR FAMILY IS STRESSED

  • Conversations often begin with “Put the gun down, and then we can talk.”
  • The school principal has your number on speed-dial.
  • The cat is on Valium.
  • People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.
  • You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaf.
  • The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family.
  • “Family meetings” are often mediated by law enforcement officials.
  • You have to check your kid’s day-timer to see if he can take out the trash.
  • No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners.

 

 

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

HIT ME WITH YOUR BEST SHOT

It sounds like punishment to me, but a Japanese man says he makes a living by letting people hit him.

…For the past two years, Akira Hareruya, has hired himself out as a human punching-bag to pay his debts. That’s right, he charges people to hit him. Akira, who works as an electrician by day, charges people about nine dollars to hit him. He estimates that he has been hit by 8,000 people since he started doing it. Akira, who says he never hits back even though he’s suffered broken ribs and bruises, is in debt for about $13,000 and claims this is the only way to pay it off. ***MARLAR: What will he do if the people he is in debt to want to come and rough him up? Will he charge them for hitting him?

 

 

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Mondays Only)

 

 

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

Smuggled Bibles are resulting in lots of new believers in closed countries. Mission Network News recently shared a report from the President of Vision Beyond Borders. In his blog he shared that one of the organizations major contacts has reported that there are now 700,000 believers among a tribal group that VBB has focused on getting Bibles to for the past twenty years. In another country nearby, there are over 25,000 believers from the same tribe.  https://t.co/i8end8NPVm

 

An Egyptian billionaire has provided new details about his plan to buy an island to receive hundreds of thousands of refugees from Syria and other conflict-ridden nations. The CEO of a Cairo-based Media and Technology company told CNN the first step of his plan to resolve the refugee crisis requires getting the consent of Greece or Italy, from whom he plans to purchase the island. Since the refugees do not have visas, there must still be a country willing to process their entry. http://huff.to/1QwiKQL

 

Hundreds of refugees seeking asylum in Germany have converted from Islam to Christianity at an evangelical church in Berlin. According to Relevant Magazine, though the country has taken in thousands of refugees from Syria in recent weeks, most of the converts at the Trinity Church in the last two years are from Iran and Afghanistan. According to the AP, the local evangelical church has gained a reputation for reaching out to Muslims and offering a course in the basic tenets of Christianity. One factor that may be contributing to the high number of religious conversions, though, is the increased chance of receiving legal political asylum as a Christian.  http://relm.ag/1PYUzcF

 

 

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

“Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.” –Jules Renard

 

 

THE WAY WE WORK

(Updated as it comes available. The Way WE Work is written by Mark Elfstrand from 1160Hope.com in Chicago.)

Working at Misery

While I am not a big fan of catch phrases, I will now use one. I had an “aha moment” of my true career interest in 1991. After three years in Dallas, Texas, working at two radio stations, my life had come to a point of satisfaction in a “ministry driven” job. And then it became “life interrupted.”
A few years earlier, I had been doing marketing work in Sacramento, California. One of my projects was writing brochure copy for a new trade show concept. The event became successful, and the company was developing similar ones in New York and Texas.
The owner of the trade show company called to tell me of this success. Then he invited my wife and I to join him for a nice weekend in Austin, Texas, at the Four Seasons Hotel. We gladly accepted.
My friend Gary knew of my background and interest in business and marketing. Over dinner, he asked what it would take for me to move from Dallas back to Sacramento to “head up operations” for his trade show business. Boom. Quite the unexpected.
In short, I gave him my parameters. He later called and offered me the job. We accepted. I left my ministry related work to go back to making money. And hopefully, lots of it for all parties concerned.
About a year later, I was at work and glanced at my watch. I gave a personal sigh and thought, “Good. About an hour and I can head home.” And that’s when it hit me. Working in radio, I rarely felt like I was looking forward to ending my day! Sure you get tired. But it was work I enjoyed and with which I connected. Especially…being on air.
Two months later, I was contacted about an on air job in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. In an awkward but important decision, I shared with my employer how I felt “called” back into radio. While painful to him, he released me from my obligation and sent me on my way.
The bottom line to my story is that since then, I have avoided any significant management role. My satisfaction has been met not by moving up any corporate ladder, but by seeking excellence in the work I enjoy most: being on air. Fortunately, that opportunity is still available to me.
This came to mind recently in reading an article by Arthur Brooks. And it serves as a good follow up to my blog of last week on Labor Day. Brooks is the president of the American Enterprise Institute and an opinion writer for our company, Salem Media Group.
Brooks’ piece, “Rising to Your Level of Misery at Work,” was recently published in the New York Times.
He reasons that in this age, people are not necessarily rising to their level of incompetence (The Peter Principle) but more commonly to a level of misery. They have accepted promotions that drive them from what they love doing to what they come to disdain. It’s about increasing pay, prestige, and responsibility.
Asks Brooks, “Why don’t people stop rising when they are happy? Because we are built to think that more is better — more power, authority, money, and responsibility. So we incorrectly infer that promotions will equal greater satisfaction. In an economy that has left so many people behind in recent years, this might seem like a nice problem to have. But it is a problem nonetheless, as recent research clearly demonstrates.”
Some of that research shows that while poverty creates one kind of stress, wealth creates another. A performance stress, if you will. These workers live under undesirable pressure.
Apparently, alcohol use increases with pay! Of those making over $75,000 per year, 81 per cent consume alcohol — much higher than those making less. It’s probably also why yoga or meditation has become more popular. You know, for stress — medicate or meditate … or both.
The reason I found Brooks’ piece to be a good follow up to my blog of last week is based on a single word: service. A 2014 article in the Journal of Positive Psychology revealed lawyers in public service roles were happier and more satisfied in their work than those driven by high incomes.
And the clincher? As Brooks notes, “Through this added layer of intentionality, almost any work can be understood as a genuine service job. The type of work is actually less important than the attitude of the worker.”
Jesus taught it this way: “Whoever wants to be great must become a servant.” (Mark 10:43 MSG)
What a concept!
That’s The Way WE Work.

 

 

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

 

SEPTEMBER 09, 2015…

 

Time Out Of Mind (opening in select cities)—Richard Gere has dropped out of the social structure to the point of being homeless.  He goes through New York City, just wandering, and trying to connect with himself and reconcile with his daughter, too.  “Time Out Of Mind” is rated R. No rating.

 

SEPTEMBER 11, 2015…

 

Sleeping With Other People—This film is a romantic comedy about two people with a definite problem.  They cheat romantically on people. Jason Sudeikis is one person and Alison Brie is the other person. They discover each other and try to help each other get out of this pattern, only to find they really like being together.  The cast includes Natasha Lyonne and Amanda Peet. “Sleeping With Other People” is rated R. No rating.

 

The Perfect Guy—You look for the perfect guy and after dating a few, here he comes. At last. Sanaa Lathan falls for Michael Ealy, but just who is he, anyway? Also in the cast is Morris Chestnut. “The Perfect Guy” Is rated R. No rating.

 

The Visit—What a premise for a horror film. It is about two children (Ed Oxenbould and Olivia DeJonge) who visit their grandparents for five days. Strange things happen and this is how-much-grossness-can-the-audience-take. Who directs the film? M. Night Shyamalan. “The Visit” is rated R. No rating.

 

SEPTEMBER 18, 2015…

 

Black Mass has Johnny Depp transforming himself into yet another memorable character.  This time it is based on the real life of the infamous James “Whitey” Bulger.

 

Everest takes the audience on a scary trip up Everest in 1996 when a climbing group met adverse weather conditions.  Stars Jake Gyllenhaal.

 

Maze Runner: The Scorch Trials is next in the line of books to be put on the screen. Stars Dylan O’Brien an Patricia Clarkson.

 

Sicario is about an FBI agent (Emily Blunt) who fights crime along the Mexico-U.S. border.

 

Cooties stars Elijah Wood as a teacher in a school where kids are turning into zombies.

 

# # # # #

 

 

WARNING:  Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.