September 15, 2016: Thursday ONAIRprep

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AND NOW… ON WITH THE SHOW!

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20160915

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

I am ready to go!  I’ve already had my usual power meal before the show — a slice of baloney between two Eggos. Let’s get started!

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity. Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone. –Colossians 4:5-6 (NIV)

O LORD, hear my prayer, listen to my cry for mercy; in your faithfulness and righteousness come to my relief. –Psalm 143:1

If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. — Philippians 2:1-2

You, O God, do see trouble and grief; you consider it to take it in hand. The victim commits himself to you; you are the helper of the fatherless. — Psalm 10:14

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God’s will. — Romans 8:26-27

Thought: Sometimes our prayers seem to bounce off the ceiling and fall to the floor. Other times, we are overcome with emotion and the words of our prayers can’t capture what’s in our hearts. Thank God for the assurance that the power of our prayers is not dependent upon our words, but upon his grace given us by the Holy Spirit’s intercession!

Prayer: Holy God and Loving Father, thank you for giving me the gift of the Holy Spirit, through whom I have the ultimate assurance that you hear my words, my thoughts, and my heart when I pray. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

2 Corinthians 9:15 NIV = Thanks be to God for his indescribable gift!

TODAY IS THURSDAY – SEPTEMBER 15, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 1
06 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

National Love Your Files Week begins today.  ***MARLAR: LOVE?  I can understand LOATHING your files… but LOVE?

Today is Respect For the Aged Day in Japan. It’s a national holiday.  ***MARLAR: Pretty good idea if you ask me.

Today is INTERNATIONAL SING-OUT DAY. ***MARLAR: Just do us all a favor and confine it to the shower, okay?

Today is NATIONAL WOMEN ROAD WARRIOR DAY. ***MARLAR: I’m too smart to say anything about this one.

Today is SOMEDAY, the day we’re all going to lose weight, start a business, learn another language, skydive, whatever.  ***MARLAR: We all have said we’d do something “someday” – well here it is.  Dagnabbit.  Now I have to go home after the show and clean out my sock drawer.

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

8-Track Tape Day

Felt Hat Day

Google.com Day

Greenpeace Day

International Day of Democracy

International Dot Day

National Cheese Toast Day

RAINN Day (Rape Abuse Incest National Network)

COMING UP NEXT

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 16

Anne Dudley Bradstreet Day

Clean Up The World Weekend begins

Constitution Day/ Pledge Across America

International Day for the Preservation of the Ozone Layer )***You add to the carbon dioxide problem just by spouting that long name!)

International Grenache Day

Mayflower Day

National Tattoo Story Day

National Guacamole Day

National POW/MIA Recognition Day

National Trademen Day

Play-Doh Day

Stay Away From Seattle Day

Stepfamily Day

Trail of Tears Commemoration Day

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 17

AKC Responsible Dog Ownership Day

Batman Day

Big Whopper Liar Day

Boys’ and Girl’s Club Day for Kids

Citizenship Day

Constitution Day

International Country Music Day

International Eat An Apple Day

International Coastal Cleanup Day

Locate An Old Friend Day

National Gymnastics Day

National Monte Cristo Day

National Seat Check Saturday

Puppy Mill Awareness Day

Time’s Up Day

VFW Ladies Auxiliary Day

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 18

Air Force Birthday

Chiropractic Founders Day

Hug a Greeting Card Writer Day

National Ceiling Fan Day

National Cheeseburger Day

National HIV/AIDS and Aging Awareness Day

National Respect Day

Wife Appreciation Day

World Water Monitoring Day

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 19

Respect For The Aged Day

Talk Like a Pirate Day

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 20

Get Ready Day

National I.T. Professionals Day

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 21

International Day of Peace

National Rehabilitation Day

School Backpack Awareness Day

World Alzheimer’s Day

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 22

American Business Women’s Day

Autumn Equinox (Fall begins) 10:21am EDT

Car Free Day

Chainmail Day

Dear Diary Day

Elephant Appreciation Day

Hobbit Day

Ice Cream Cone Day

International Day of Radiant Peace

National Centenarian’s Day

National Rock n’ Roll Dog Day

National Teach Ag Day

National White Chocolate Day

ON THIS DAY

1789: The U.S. Department of Foreign Affairs changed its name to the Department of State.

1821: Costa Rica, Guatemala, Honduras, Nicaragua, and El Salvador gained independence.

1917: Alexander Kerensky proclaimed Russia a republic.

1930: One of the world’s most popular comic strips, “Blondie,” first appeared. Blondie and Dagwood speak 33 languages in 1,800 newspapers in 58 countries. ***MARLAR: You wouldn’t think Dagwood would have enough time between sandwiches to learn 33 different languages, but there you go.

1935: The Nuremberg Laws deprived Jews of their citizenship and made the Swastika the official emblem of Nazi Germany.

1963: A church bombing in Birmingham, Alabama, killed four young black girls.

1989: Pulitzer Prize-winning author Robert Penn Warren, the first poet laureate of the United States, died.

1999: A man who tried to rob a bank in Dresden, Germany, got quite a surprise. Wearing a mask and carrying a gun, the would-be bandit cursed and fled when remodelers told him the bank had moved out several days earlier.

1999: Miss America 1999 Nicole Johnson completed one of her final obligations — to kiss a pig. The diabetic Johnson agreed to the stunt after the sugar substitute Equal offered $10,000 for American Diabetes Association research if she would kiss Wilbur, a black and white pig with a red bow around his neck. Since insulin comes from the pancreas of pigs, Johnson kissed Wilbur right on the snout — and twice again for photographers.

2004: The National Hockey League lockout began. The 2004-2005 season would ultimately be canceled.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1648: The British Parliament approves the Larger and the Shorter Catechisms, now used by Presbyterian, Congregationalist, and Baptist congregations, are approved by the British Parliament.

1853: Antoinette Brown becomes the first female minister ordained in America.

1963: In a racially motivated attack, the 16th Street Baptist Church in Birmingham, Alabama, was bombed, killing four girls. The sermon that day was “The Love That Forgives,” based on Matthew 5:43-44.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • McGruff, the crime-fighter dog 36 – that’s 252 in dog years! (audio clip)
  • actor (Lieutenant Shephard in The Rock, Officer Giraldi in World Trade Center, Jacks’ friend Fabrizio in Titanic) Danny Nucci 48
  • Actor/comedian (Uncle Teddy on “Rescue Me”, Gruff Grocer in Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events, barber shop car owner in Me, Myself & Irene) Lenny Clarke, 63 (audio clip)
  • Actor (The Fugitive, Men In Black) Tommy Lee Jones 70
  • Director (Any Given Sunday, JFK, The Doors) Oliver Stone, 70

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1903 : Roy Acuff

1924 : Bobby Short

1928 : Julian “Cannonball” Adderley

1933 : Pat Barrett (The Crew Cuts)

1939 : Jimmy Gilmer (Jimmy Gilmer and the Fireballs)

1941 : Les Braid (The Swinging Blue Jeans)

1942 : Signe Anderson (Jefferson Airplane)

1945 : Lee Dorman (Iron Butterfly)

1946 : Ola Brunkert (ABBA)

1960 : Mitch Dorge (Crash Test Dummies)

1976 : Ivette Sosa (Eden’s Crush)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Did Julius Caesar ever eat Caesar’s Salad?
Yeah… right. We might as well ask if he ever ate Waldorf salad, Baked Alaska or Southern Fried Chicken. In the days of the Romaine, uh, Roman Empire, the Caesar Salad was unknown. And contrary to what many people think, Caesar’s Salad was not invented in Prince Mike Romanoff’s Hollywood restaurant, either. But Romanoff, who by the way was also not a prince, is credited with popularizing it and adding the anchovies. Caesar’s Salad was first tossed in Tijuana, where tourists wearing Roman sandals have passed through in legions, but never in Roman chariots, other than Alfa Romeos. Its creator was Caesar Gardini, the other Caesar, who put it together at his restaurant, Caesar’s Place, from romaine lettuce, egg and dressing.
Source: DICTIONARY OF WORD AND PHRASE ORIGINS by William and Mary Morris

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE! Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

A new vlog is now available from Hawk Nelson front man Jon Steingard. He describes it as the most random/pointless vlog yet. On the vlog a man eats popcorn, a squirrel stands on his hind legs, and Jon talks about his tattoos.

https://youtu.be/i0q0M2mVpxs

Amy Grant will unveil her first all-new Christmas album in nearly twenty years on October 21, just in time for the holiday season. The collection of thirteen new recordings is titled Tennessee Christmas. It will offer a blend of original songs along with Grant’s own spin on popular classics. The goal of the project is to seamlessly weave together the joy, love, laughter, and even grief this season brings.

The Afters released their fifth album on Sept. 9. The new project is called Live On Forever. Following it’s release front man Josh Havens sat down to talk about the album, the title track, and some of the band’s other experiences. Check out the full interview at:

http://www.newreleasetoday.com/article.php?article_id=1871.

Congratulations to Hawk Nelson front man Jon Steingard. He and his wife shared a sonogram picture and announced: No going back now! Baby Steingard coming 2017.

https://twitter.com/jonsteingard/status/775784445987069952/video/1

For King and Country is now on snapchat. They posted this week: We might be late to the Snapchat party, but that doesn’t mean it’s not going to be one! Follow them at: forkingcountry.

Milo, the son of Love and the Outcome members Chris and Jodi, turned 7 months this week and he’s already well traveled. Jodi posted: he’s already been to nearly every state in the union and can say dada.

Like many students heading back to school now, Steven Curtis Chapman is out with a report on his summer. He shared an overview of his activities with his social media followers this week via email and it sounds like it was a busy one. Steven was part of Chris Tomlins Worship Night in America, he toured with Third Day, and he even performed for the Pope at the World Youth Day in Poland. Other activities included a cruise with Max Lucado and the completion of his new book “Between Heaven & The Real World: My Story”.

Casting Crowns Megan Garrett isn’t reacting well to the steroids she was given by her doctor. She posted that she was wide awake late at night after day one of the steroids. Day two wasn’t much better. She shared on twitter: can’t sit still.

Casting Crowns Melodee Devevo isn’t worried about wearing white after Labor Day. She simply wants to know: Is it time for plaid flannel yet?

This Friday, “Hillsong: Let Hope Rise” — the new film that chronicles the story of Australian-based Christian band Hillsong United — will be released nationally. Earlier this week the members of the band talked with Billboard about the movie, the success of their song Oceans, and more. Check out the interview at:

http://blbrd.cm/QMJSnw.

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. As on ONAIRprep subscriber, you can get a fully-produced, customized version of the Daily Dose of Weird News FREE with a station or show specific tag! Email darren@onairprep.com for details!)

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

Cops are hunting for a nude man who held up a South Carolina convenience store at gunpoint and escaped with only Reese’s peanut butter cups. An employee said the guy was totally nude except for a bandana over his face and a pair of black shoes.  *** I feel sorry for the other guys who also have to get naked for the criminal lineup.

Katy Perry helped in the delivery of her sister Angela’s baby this week before getting back to the studio. Perry tweeted: “Helped deliver my sister’s baby at 2pm & am in the studio by 8pm. Katy Perry has actually helped with a birth before – in February 2014, reportedly also for her sister.  ****Hey, Katy – you’re a multimillionaire.  Maybe you can consider paying so your sister can give birth in a HOSPITAL next time?

Your life can now be one big picnic, literally. A seven-story-high picnic basket is on the market just outside of Columbus, Ohio and it could be yours for a $5 million. The basket-shaped office building was originally built as the headquarters of The Longaberger Company, a maple wood basket manufacturer, back in 1997. However, the company recently relocated its headquarters so now the rather seven-story-high basket-building is for sale.  *** I wouldn’t buy it though – can you imagine how big that picnic basket’s ants would be?

NCAA announced Monday it will remove seven championship events slated for North Carolina because of the state’s controversial restroom law. In March, North Carolina’s legislature adopted legislation requiring persons use the restroom or locker room facilities that correspond with the gender on their birth certificates.  The NCAA Board of Governors made the decision to move this year’s Division I Women’s Soccer Championship, and first and second round NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament games, because it cannot support North Carolina’s restroom policy.  ***Our colleges are obviously failing – even they haven’t figured out the difference between boys and girls.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

The NFL season has officially begun. ***MARLAR: You know what that means!  It’s time for Fantasy Football – which, let’s face it, is just “Dungeons and Dragons” for jocks.

The Food and Drug Administration has approved a sunscreen that is the best in the world at blocking out dangerous cancer-causing ultraviolet light.  ***MARLAR: The downside – it’s not easy picking up chicks at the beach when you’re skin is purple.

Do we really need as much space as we have?  As urban populations and housing costs soar, micro housing is on the rise. In fact, some apartments are smaller than the average parking space. ***Although, in Chicago it’s hard to verify that as you can never find an open parking spot to measure for comparison.

Despite spending more per person on health care than any other country, Americans are getting sicker and dying younger than our international peers — a problem persisting across all ages and both genders, according to a new report.   National Research Council found life expectancy in the United States was increasing at a slower rate than in other high-income democracies.  ***MARLAR: The theory is that the life force of Americans is literally being sucked away by “Keeping Up With the Kardashians”, and every single show on BRAVO.

 Scientists have just discovered that when a shrimp is first born, it is male, and as it gets older it gradually matures into a female.  ***MARLAR: It took them until now to realize that the males are the immature ones?

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Barbie’s Friends”

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Scott Gregory, “Sleeping Bags”

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THURSDAY’S EPISODE


OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle island of Razzleflabbin, we discovered that the Plaid Guy – who all of the Razzleflabbins were terrified of, was actually not a bad guy at all… he was just different! They’ve all made friends now, and he’s even been invited to the Razzleflabbin Barbecue!

CLOSE: Sounds like everyone is having a great time with their new friend, the Plaid Guy… but what about Marvy? He’s still stranded on Razzleflabbin Island! Will he ever get home? Find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF SEPTEMBER 17/18

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name) and (Station Call Letters) bring you another inspiringly inspiring inspiration story from the never-ending deep-jungle soap-opera saga that is, As the Jungle Turns!

CLOSE: So we have a new story, about having a story – but the story hasn’t begun yet because everyone wants the story to be about them. Or maybe that IS the story. Whatever… find out next time, As the Jungle Turns.

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

Today’s Moment of Duh contains three interesting elements… a robber, a gold chain, and the Heimlich maneuver.

Furio Romano snatched a gold chain from around a woman’s neck and sprinted away down the street. He didn’t get very far, however. He stuffed the chain in his mouth as he ran and as he began to breathe harder he sucked the necklace down his windpipe and fell choking to the ground. Luckily for him the cops were close behind and gave him the Heimlich maneuver before arresting him.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN CARDS FROM HALLMARK THAT WERE NEVER APPROVED

10. My tire was thumping.

I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire,

I noticed your cat.

Sorry!

09. Looking back over the years that we’ve been together,

I can’t help but wonder… “What the heck was I thinking?”

08. Congratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad no one likes your husband.

07. How could two people as beautiful as you…

Have such an ugly baby?

06. As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am…

That you’re not here to ruin it for me.

05. Congratulations on your promotion.

Before you go…

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You’ll probably need it again.

04. Happy birthday! You look great for your age.

Almost Lifelike!

03. When we were together,

you always said you’d die for me.

Now that we’ve broken up,

I think it’s time you kept your promise.

02. I’m so miserable without you

it’s almost like you’re here.

01. Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday.

So we’re having you put to sleep.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

A Georgia woman came home from a 2 ½ week vacation and found a stranger living in her house!

FILE #1: …The stranger was also wearing her clothes and even ripping out carpet and repainting a room she didn’t like.  Authorities say they can’t explain why 54-year-old Beverly Valentine broke into an empty home and started acting like it was her own.  Valentine redecorated the home, ripped up carpet and took down the owner’s pictures and replaced them with her own.  If convicted, she could face one to 20 years in prison.  ***MARLAR: But the good news is that she can decorate her cell anyway she’d like!

FILE #2: A driver recently pulled up beside a patrol car in Charleston, South Carolina and asked to speak to the officer. He then pointed to a speeding car and told the cop that he had clocked the driver doing 55 mph in a 30 mph zone and asked the officer to chase him down to issue him a ticket. Instead, he gave a ticket to the Good Samaritan.  Why? Two reasons: One, the officer explained that the only way he could have clocked the speeding vehicle was if he indeed was engaging in speeding as well, and two, because the car in question was an unmarked police car responding to a call.

FILE #3: A Florida judge has sentenced career bank robber Forest “Woody” Tucker to 13 years, deeming the man “dangerous”. What makes this odd is the fact that Tucker is 80 and can only move with the aid of a walker.  Tucker isn’t your typical “grandpa-type”. The 80-year-old from Jupiter, Florida, has broken out of prison 18 times since the 1930’s. His latest heist, for $5,600 was, he said, to pay the bills of a dying friend. He was captured by police after a 45 mph car chase!

STRANGE LAW: In Dyersburg, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to call a man for a date.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

If you are too drunk to drive, you might want to think about ditching the assault rifle. And the cocaine. Ditto the marijuana. And you definitely don’t want to pretend you’re a police officer.

Mohammed Faizal Taki of Duluth, Georgia pulled up to a McDonalds at 4:30 in the morning, slurring his words as he asked the attendant of the drive-thru if he could provide change for a hundred dollar bill. That’s when the clerk noticed the assault rifle. The driver said he was a police officer.  The driver then passed out.  The clerk called the police.  When the driver woke up, he was angry that he didn’t get his change and drove off. The police found him in a parking lot nearby half-asleep. They found the rifle, cocaine (both in the car and in a baggy in his shoe), marijuana and ammunition.  Anyone can get charged for drug possession. Anyone can get charged for driving drunk. However, only a true genius can get charged with driving under the influence, possession of marijuana and cocaine, impersonating an officer, carrying a concealed weapon, and possession of a firearm by a convicted felon all in the same night.

PHONER PHUN

It’s International Sing-Out Day – so here’s your chance to do exactly that! Give us a call and belt out your favorite song for ten seconds – we’ll make you a star!

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: According to Isaiah, what sort of people can run and not be weary?

ANSWER: Those who wait on the Lord (Isaiah 40:31)

QUESTION: Moses called one place Taberah, because God killed some of the people with what?
ANSWER: Fire. (Numbers 11:1-3)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: How many steel cans are recycled every second?

ANSWER: 630

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. In 1995, KFC (Kentucky Fried Chicken) sold 2 pieces of chicken for every man, woman and child in the US. (False – eleven!)

2. Each year Americans consume almost half of the entire world’s chocolate supply. (True… over 3.1 billion pounds a year!)

3. In an authentic Chinese meal, the last course is soup. (True, because it allows the roast duck entree to “swim” toward digestion.)

4. In the United States, a pound of potato chips costs two hundred times more than a pound of potatoes. (True)

5. Large doses of coffee can be lethal. (True. Ten grams, or 100 cups over 4 hours, can kill the average human.)

6. Laws forbidding the sale of ice cream sodas on Sunday prompted William Garwood to invent the ice cream sundae. (True – in Evanston, IL, in 1875)

7. Meteors have destroyed three satellites so far. (False. A meteor has only destroyed one satellite, which was the European Space Agency’s Olympus in 1993.)

8. Before air conditioning was invented, white cotton slipcovers were put on furniture to keep the air cool. (True)

9. Every day, the Hubble telescope transmits enough data to fit 100 computer disks. (False – it’s enough for 10,000 standard computer disks)

10. Cubic Zirconia is lighter than real diamonds. (False – it’s 55% heavier than real diamonds)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

U.S. _________ SHUTTING DOWN (POST OFFICE)

WASHINGTON – The U.S. Post Office is bankrupt and will be closing for good on December 1, 2016.

The United States Postal Service is so low on cash that it won’t be able to make a $5.5 billion payment due this month and will, therefore, have to shut down.

The last day of mail delivery will be December 1, 2016.  “There’s no way we can handle the holiday rush this year, we can barely handle a normal delivery day,” said a Post Office insider.

The Obama Administration feel that the shut down will save money and they do not feel that Americans will miss their mail.  “Most Americans get everything they need in email.  And most Americans only get bills in the mail.  So if we cut out the post office, we will save Americans on bills,” said the White House Press Secretary.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

God said unto Adam, “You have been quiet lately – is there something wrong?”

Adam said he didn’t have anyone to talk to. So God said that He would make him a companion and that it would be a woman. And God said “A woman will gather food for you, cook for you and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you have a disagreement.”
Adam asked “What will it cost me?”
God replied “An arm and a leg.”

So Adam asked “What can I get for a rib?”

JOKE #2

This older man was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to receive the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.

“Yes Dad, what is it?”

“Don’t be nervous, do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife.”

JOKE #3

When I was working as a clerk at a sporting-goods store, a woman came up to my register with a package of white athletic socks. “Will you open this up so I can see how the socks feel?” she asked.

Reluctantly I tore open the package, and she scrutinized the merchandise. She handed me the package, saying, “I’ll take them.”

Relieved, I started to ring her up, until she interrupted me. “Can I have another pack? This one’s been opened.”

USELESS FACTS

On April 4, 1974, John Massis of Belgium pulled two New York Long Island railroad passenger cars totaling 80 tons with a thick rope, with a small bit attached, using only his teeth.  ***MARLAR: When asked why he’d try such an outlandish stunt, Massis replied, “Eiff juft woonted toof shee ifsh Eiff kood droo it.”  (I just wanted to see if I could do it.)

In 1990 there were about 15,000 vacuum cleaner related accidents in the U.S.  ***MARLAR: Man, that sucks.

FEATURED FUNNIES

NOT FEELING WELL

Thought I’d let my doctor check me

Cause I didn’t feel quiet right.

All these aches and pains annoyed me,

And I couldn’t sleep at night.

He could find no real disorder,

but he wouldn’t let me rest.

What, with Medicare and Blue Cross

It wouldn’t hurt to do some test.

To the hospital he sent me,

Though I didn’t feel that bad.

He arranged for them to give me,

Every test that could be had.

I was floroscoped and cystoscoped,

My aging frame displayed,

Stripped upon an ice-cold table

While my gizzards were x-rayed.

I was checked for worms and parasites

For fungus and the crud,

While they pierced me with long needles

Taking samples of my blood.

Doctors came to check me over,

Probed and pushed and poked around,

And to make sure I was living,

They wired me for sound.

They have finally concluded,

(Their results have filled a page)

What I have will someday kill me,

My affliction is old age.

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

STAYING ALIVE

Ever heard of someone being rewarded for NOT dying?

Andrew Carter has just received $3,200 from his insurance company! Why? Because… well… because he’s alive! The insurance company’s studies predicted that Andrew had zero chance of outliving the $1,000 life insurance policy he bought fifty-five years ago. Well, they were wrong… he’s now 95 years old. Workers from Country Insurance and Financial Services made a special trip to deliver the check to his home. The $3,200 was the face value of Mr. Carter’s original policy, plus additions he bought over the years. ***MARLAR: Imagine that. You have a bunch of people in business suits stopping on your doorstep, and saying, “Congratulations on not dying! Your life is worth $3,200!”

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION
WHERE IS HAPPINESS FOUND?
According to one writer:

NOT IN UNBELIEF. Voltaire was an infidel of the most pronounced type. He wrote: “I wish I had never been born.”

NOT IN PLEASURE. Lord Byron lived a life of pleasure if anyone did. He wrote, “The worm, the canker, and grief are mine alone.”

NOT IN MONEY. Jay Gould, the American millionaire, had plenty of that. When dying, he said: “I suppose I am the most miserable man on earth.”

NOT IN POSITION OR FAME. Lord Beaconsfield enjoyed more than his share of both. He wrote, “Youth is a mistake; manhood a struggle; old age a regret.”

NOT IN MILITARY GLORY. Alexander the Great conquered the known world in his day. Having done so, he wept, because he said, “There are no more worlds to conquer” (The Bible Friend).

As most of us have learned the hard way, if we live for happiness we have found that it is about as elusive as searching for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

Nathaniel Hawthorne, who lived from 1804 to 1864, said the following: “Happiness in this world, when it comes, incidentally. Make it the object of pursuit, and it leads us on a wild-goose chase, and is never attained. Follow some other object, and very possibly we may find that we have caught happiness without dreaming of it.”

Another has said, “Happiness is having something to live for that is bigger than yourself.”

What better purpose could any of us have than to live primarily for God with the genuine desire to be a part of his plans and what he is doing in the world today?

This can lead to contentment and that can make us happy!

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

COMMON GROUND

READ: Acts 17:22-31
That I might win those who are without law. —1 Corinthians 9:21

Roman emperors are not generally remembered for their wisdom, but there are a few exceptions. One great thinker was Marcus Aurelius, emperor of Rome from AD 161 to 180. Gifted with a brilliant mind, he was one of the great intellectual rulers in Western civilization.
Although he never became a convert to the new faith that would be called Christianity, he displayed remarkable insight. His wisdom reflects the law of God written in the heart of someone who did not have God’s Word (Rom. 2:14-15). For example:

• The happiness of your life depends on the quality of your thoughts.
• You have power over your mind—not outside events.
• Your life is what your thoughts make it.

These words sound similar to Proverbs 23:7, “As [a person] thinks in his heart, so is he.” We can learn helpful principles from non-Christians and use their beliefs as common ground for sharing the gospel. When Paul stood on Mars Hill addressing some of the leading intellectuals of his day, he did not belittle their beliefs but established common ground with them and then gave the gospel (Acts 17:26-28).

Let’s look for common ground with our neighbors, so that we may lead them to Christ. —Dennis Fisher

What common ground do you share with your friends?
A faith worth having is a faith worth sharing.

LEFTOVERS

LA-Z-JOB

Wouldn’t it be great to test the comfort of La-Z-Boy recliners for a living? One worker says it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. Yeah… right.

Tim Nelson, a La-Z-Boy recliner tester says the job of sitting down, kicking his feet up, and rocking back and forth in the company’s chairs all day is much harder than it looks: “It’s not like they give us popcorn and a TV set to watch” he says. “Up and down all day can be a workout.” Actually, Tim’s co-workers agree with him. Other testers say the job is one of the hardest at the Dayton, Tenn., plant because testers must certify the comfort and balance of up to 130 recliners a day. ***MARLAR: You know, I say the same thing about how tough it is to be a DJ. People don’t believe me either.

LIFE… LIVE IT

Do you get a headache whenever you fly? You’re not the only one.

Israeli researchers said yesterday that flying in a plane can be a real headache – literally! Headaches associated with air travel appear to be a “huge and painful problem.” In a study of 906 men and women who had traveled more than once by plane, nearly 6% reported that they experienced headaches. Based on 3.3 billion seats available each year on commercial flights, with 70% occupancy, more than 100 million people suffer from flight-associated headaches. Stress, poor air quality, engine noise, barometric pressure and the smell of jet fuel can contribute to flight headaches.

JUST FOR FUN

It’s the latest translation of the bible… for Australians!

Australians baffled by the King James Bible can now try a new translation by journalist Kel Richards. “The Aussie Bible” retells Bible stories in Outback lingo, and it’s even received the official blessing of the Anglican Church. In it, Jesus is visited by the “Three Wise Guys,” His father Joseph is called just plain “Joe,” and the Good Samaritan is described as a “really ordinary bloke you wouldn’t look twice at,” who happens on a man who was “left good as dead” by a bunch of bushrangers, patches him up with his first aid kit, and takes him to a pub.  ***MARLAR: Personally, I like the part where Jesus feeds the multitudes by throwing another shrimp on the barbie.

FUN LIST

SIGNS YOUR FAMILY IS STRESSED

  • Conversations often begin with “Put the gun down, and then we can talk.”

  • The school principal has your number on speed-dial.

  • The cat is on Valium.

  • People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.

  • You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaf.

  • The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family.

  • “Family meetings” are often mediated by law enforcement officials.

  • You have to check your kid’s day-timer to see if he can take out the trash.

  • No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

HIT ME WITH YOUR BEST SHOT

It sounds like punishment to me, but a Japanese man says he makes a living by letting people hit him.

…For the past two years, Akira Hareruya, has hired himself out as a human punching-bag to pay his debts. That’s right, he charges people to hit him. Akira, who works as an electrician by day, charges people about nine dollars to hit him. He estimates that he has been hit by 8,000 people since he started doing it. Akira, who says he never hits back even though he’s suffered broken ribs and bruises, is in debt for about $13,000 and claims this is the only way to pay it off. ***MARLAR: What will he do if the people he is in debt to want to come and rough him up? Will he charge them for hitting him?

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

A new movement is underway to label foods with their equivalent amount of the exercise. According to Time, it’s seen as one way to help fight skyrocketing rates of obesity and other weight-related diseases. The idea is to provide icons on packages that would show a stick figure walking, running, swimming or biking next to the number of minutes required to cancel out calories consumed. Officials say a mocha coffee drink would take 53 minutes to walk off and you would have to run 30 minutes to counteract a blueberry muffin and 43 minutes to take care of a couple of slices of cheese pizza.  ***It almost makes you want to stop eating altogether, doesn’t it?  http://ti.me/2ca1TI6

Planned Parenthood’s “abortion empire” is a “house of cards” that is falling apart. That’s according to Dave Daleiden, the man behind the series of undercover videos purportedly showing the abortion services provider engaging in illegal activity. According to the Christian Post, during a speech to the Values Voters Summit in Washington, DC, Daleiden said “Since the videos were released, 26 states have moved to strip Planned Parenthood of its taxpayer subsidies and reassign that money to full-spectrum, mainstream community health centers.” “And for the first time in history, Congress was able to put a bill on the president’s desk to completely end Planned Parenthood’s half-a-billion dollars in tax-payer support.”  Get the details at http://ow.ly/X7sJ3048J5E.

Four Paralympians just ran the 1500m faster than anyone at the Rio Olympics!  Fouad Baka of Algeria finished his 1500-meter race in just 3 minutes and 49.59 seconds at Maracanã Stadium in Rio de Janeiro. That’s fast. In fact, according to the Huffington post, that’s so fast that if Baka had finished with that time at that exact stadium in August, he would have beat out Matthew Centrowitz Jr. of the U.S. for the Olympic gold medal. Unfortunately for Baka, he wasn’t racing in the Olympics. He was racing in the Paralympics and he didn’t even make the podium.  Baka ended up placing fourth in the men’s 1500m race for the visually impaired. His brother finished first, winning the gold medal in a world record time of 3:48.29.  http://ow.ly/Zitq304cpVz

In the market for a new job? Like the great outdoors? You may want to check out this new listing from Columbia Sportswear. The outdoor gear and clothing company wants to pay people to go on cool adventures, test out their latest products and show off on social media. The company has announced that they are looking for a couple of people to become their “Directors of Toughness.” People who can test gear in the most unforgiving conditions on Planet Earth and then tell the world about it.  ***I’m still holding out for someone hiring tough people to test out double-chocolate-chunk.

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/slices/columbia-sportswear-wants-hire-people-go-adventures-and-post-them-instagram

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

“Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.” –Jules Renard

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

SEPTEMBER 09, 2016…

The Wild Life—Here is another version of “Robinson Crusoe.”  This time, the film is animated and concerns the animals who peacefully live on the island until a human is washed ashore. They decide to help, but soon pirates are there, too. Voice of Colin Metzger. “The Wild Life” is rated PG. Rating of 2 for animation fans.

When The Bough Breaks—A couple who can’t conceive a child decide on a surrogate mother. Things don’t go smoothly here, at all.  Morris Chestnut and Regina Hall are the would-be parents, while Jaz Sinclair is the surrogate mother. “When The Bough Breaks” is rated PG 13. No rating.

Sully—It had to happen, a film about the heroic landing of a passenger plane on the Hudson River in 2009. Tom Hanks is Captain Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger, gray hair and all, and we see what happened before, during and after the plane went down. Clint Eastwood directs. Also in the cast are Aaron Eckhart and Laura Linney. “Sully” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

Before I Wake—Jacob Tremblay is a little boy without a family.  He is taken into a foster home and then adopted.  However, he has a problem.  He is afraid to go to sleep, fearing monsters.  Can he be helped? Also in the cast are Kate Bosworth and Thomas Jane. “Before I Wake” is rated PG 13.

(New Opening Date) Morgan—is a science fiction film about creating artificial life and decided whether to keep it or terminate it. Stars Kate Mara, Toby Jones, Michelle Yeoh and Anya Taylor-Joy. “Morgan” is rated PG 13. No rating.

SEPTEMBER 16, 2016…

Mr. Church is a different role for Eddie Murphy as he takes on the persona of a caring person helping a young girl and her sick mother.

Blair Witch is a sequel to the 1999 film with relatives of those disappeared going into the same wood area. Stars James Allan McCune.

Operation Avalanche concerns a government cover-up. Stars Matt Johnson.

Bridget Jones’s Baby and here is Renee Zellweger back as Bridget and pregnant. Who is the father?

Snowden has been put together by Oliver Stone and stars Joseph Gordon-Levitt as Snowden, the whistle-blower.

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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.