September 16, 2016: Friday ONAIRprep

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AND NOW… ON WITH THE SHOW!

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20160916

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Earl Nightingale once said, “People are where they are because that is exactly where they really want to be – whether they will admit that or not.” That means I’m here because I want to be, and you’re listening because you want to… boy, that worked out well for both of us, didn’t it?

I was petting my cat before leaving the house this morning, and she hissed and bit me. Apparently she’s as much of a morning person as my wife is.

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“And do not forget to do good and to share with others, for with such sacrifices God is pleased.” — Hebrews 13:16

Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.” –James 4:14

We know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. — 1 John 4:16

But Jehoshaphat also said to the king of Israel, “First seek the counsel of the LORD.” — 1 Kings 22:5

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. — Romans 8:28

Thought: The real issue in our lives is not God’s faithfulness, but ours. The history of God’s faithfulness to Israel and to his promises is found in the Scriptures. We can depend and rely on him to do what he promises, despite the apparent circumstances of our lives. The real issue is whether or not we choose to truly love him and live for his purposes when life becomes unbearable and faith becomes hard. This verse is no platitude, but the life-ring of hope for those with gritty faith who choose to persevere when there is no easy reason for doing so. Faith is rooted in a Savior who triumphed over death, Satan, and sin on the third day while we find ourselves caught up on the second day waiting for the dawn of our full salvation.

Prayer: Give me courage, faith, and character, O Lord, and may I never outlive my faith and hope in you. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

Genesis 9:16 NIV = Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth.”

TODAY IS FRIDAY – SEPTEMBER 16, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 1
05 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is INTERNATIONAL DAY FOR THE PRESERVATION OF THE OZONE LAYER. ***Although you considerably add to the carbon dioxide problem just by spouting that long name!

If you’ve ever wondered where the term “okay” originated, now you’ll know. Today is OKAY DAY. On this date in 1840, the O.K. Club was organized as a Democratic political group. The initials O.K. stood for Old Kinderhook, the New York hometown of President Martin Van Buren. The initials eventually came to mean “okay.”

Today is STOP THE WORLD DAY, a day to pause, calm down, and be nice.  ***MARLAR: “Stop the World” is only figurative though.  If it really did stop, we’d fly off into space at twice the speed of sound… which would not help us pause, calm down, or be nice.

Today is NATIONAL COLLECT ROCKS DAY.  ***MARLAR: They’ll fly off the Earth with you at the same speed – so you should be able to collect them fairly easily.

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Anne Dudley Bradstreet Day

Clean Up The World Weekend begins

Constitution Day/ Pledge Across America

International Grenache Day

Mayflower Day

National Tattoo Story Day

National Guacamole Day

National POW/MIA Recognition Day

National Trademen Day

Play-Doh Day

Stay Away From Seattle Day

Stepfamily Day

Trail of Tears Commemoration Day

COMING UP NEXT

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 17

AKC Responsible Dog Ownership Day

Batman Day

Big Whopper Liar Day

Boys’ and Girl’s Club Day for Kids

Citizenship Day

Constitution Day

International Country Music Day

International Eat An Apple Day

International Coastal Cleanup Day

Locate An Old Friend Day

National Gymnastics Day

National Monte Cristo Day

National Seat Check Saturday

Puppy Mill Awareness Day

Time’s Up Day

VFW Ladies Auxiliary Day

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 18

Air Force Birthday

Chiropractic Founders Day

Hug a Greeting Card Writer Day

National Ceiling Fan Day

National Cheeseburger Day

National HIV/AIDS and Aging Awareness Day

National Respect Day

Wife Appreciation Day

World Water Monitoring Day

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 19

Respect For The Aged Day

Talk Like a Pirate Day

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 20

Get Ready Day

National I.T. Professionals Day

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 21

International Day of Peace

National Rehabilitation Day

School Backpack Awareness Day

World Alzheimer’s Day

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 22

American Business Women’s Day

Autumn Equinox (Fall begins) 10:21am EDT

Car Free Day

Chainmail Day

Dear Diary Day

Elephant Appreciation Day

Hobbit Day

Ice Cream Cone Day

International Day of Radiant Peace

National Centenarian’s Day

National Rock n’ Roll Dog Day

National Teach Ag Day

National White Chocolate Day

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 23

Checkers Day (Dogs in Politics Day)

Innergize Day

Love Note Day

Restless Legs Awareness Day (***As a sufferer, just let me say this day is completely unnecessary. There is now way you are not aware that you have Restless Legs. They will not be ignored.)

ON THIS DAY

1630: The Massachusetts village of Shawmut changed its name to Boston.

1810: Mexico began its revolt against Spanish rule.

1908: General Motors was founded by William C. Durant.

1919: The American Legion was incorporated by an act of Congress.

1940: The United States first adopted peacetime conscription when President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed the Selective Training and Service Act into law.

1974: President Ford announced conditional amnesty for Vietnam War deserters and draft evaders.

1975: Papua New Guinea became independent.

1982: Lebanese Christians massacred hundreds of Palestinian refugees in Beirut.

1987: The Montreal Protocol was signed by 25 nations, limiting production on substances that harm the ozone layer. To date, 168 nations have joined the protocol.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

681: The Third Council of Constantinople adjourns, having settled the Monothelite controversy in the Eastern Church. The Council, which proclaimed the orthodox belief of two wills in Christ: divine and human, condemned as heretics, the Monothelites, who believed Christ had only “one will.”

1498: Tomas de Torquemada, the first Spanish Inquisitor General, dies. He burned over 2,000 victims, tortured thousands more, and in some areas, immolated as many as 40 percent of those accused.

1672: Puritan Anne Bradstreet, America’s first noteworthy poet, dies.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • Actress/comedian (“Saturday Night Live”, Shallow Hal) Molly Shannon 52 (audio clip)
  • magician David Copperfield 60
  • Actor (Parenthood, “St. Elsewhere”, “7th Heaven”) Ed Begley Jr. 67 (audio clip)

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1925 : Charlie Byrd

1925 : B.B. King

1943 : Bernard Calvert (The Hollies)

1943 : Joe Butler (The Lovin’ Spoonful)

1944 : Betty Kelly (Martha and the Vandellas)

1948 : Kenney Jones (The Small Faces, The Who)

1948 : Ron Blair (Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers)

1950 : David Bellamy (The Bellamy Brothers)

1954 : Frank Reed (The Chi-Lites)

1963 : Richard Marx

1968 : Marc Anthony

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

What unit is used for counting molecules?

Molecules are so small that in most cases they can’t be counted one by one, but there is a unit of measurement for counting molecules. Logically enough, it’s called a mole. One mole of a substance is the amount that contains 602,214,199,000,000,000,000,000 molecules. This number, written in scientific shorthand as 6.022 X 10^23, is called Avogadro’s number after an Italian scientist named Amedeo Avogadro who did some important work in molecule counting during the 19th century. One mole of carbon atoms is twelve grams (less than half an ounce). One mole of air at normal pressure and temperature fills 22.4 liters, a space as big a large balloon.

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE! Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

Joel of For King and Country wants to make sure everything knows; he is his wife, Moriah Peters, biggest fan. He posted a short video showing off his t-shirt. It says just that: Moriah’s biggest fan.

Hawk Nelson’s Jon Steingard says Luke 6:27-36 is one of the hardest passages in the bible. He posted the 10 verses on loving your enemies this week and added: How little I tend to apply it. Praying for the courage to do it right.

Jamie Grace is obsessed with crockpots but she says that can have a down side. She posted: the only bad thing about being obsessed with crockpots is when it’s 8pm and you realize you forgot to turn it on.

Selah member Amy Perry was praising her husband’s creative skills recently. She posted: I told Jake I wanted a hook rack for the kitchen. Amy expected him to simply pick one up at Target for $25. Instead, Jake built one himself in under an hour for less than $10. Amy said: I love that he can just build stuff.

The members of For King and Country this week announced their first Nationwide Christmas tour. The tour will kick off on November 29th in Florida and will cover the country, making 14 stops before wrapping up in Arizona on December the 18th. Also on stage with For King and Country will be fellow Christian artist Lauren Daigle.  http://smarturl.it/fkacchristmastour

Jamie Grace was live in concert in a unique venue this week. She posted a picture of a piano and added: I’m gonna go play piano and sing in Atlanta at Atlantic station. Come find this piano and join my friends and I. Check out a video clip of Jamie singing “You never let go” at https://www.facebook.com/jamiegraceh/videos/10157340968890212/.

Author and speaker Anita Renfroe recently wrote an open letter to retailer Tuesday Morning. She said: your price tags are hateful, spiteful and powerful. They must be made of the same stuff as my fat because THEY WON’T COME OFF!

The new book from Natalie Grant titled Finding Your Voice is now available. This week Natalie sat down with Fox and Friends to talk about the book and what she hopes women will gain from reading it. Natalie said: Don’t settle in your comfort zone. Find and live your thrive zone! http://fxn.ws/2cWmqkA

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. As on ONAIRprep subscriber, you can get a fully-produced, customized version of the Daily Dose of Weird News FREE with a station or show specific tag! Email darren@onairprep.com for details!)

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

A new study finds that some people are taking medication from their pets and using it on themselves or other family members.  ***Hey, when your husband has ringworm, you gotta do something – right?

According to a poll, one in four adults have not read a single book in the past year. *** We’ll let you decide which political party they belong to.

Domino’s in New Zealand has developed a drone prototype that will actually deliver pizza to customers. Scott Bush, a general manager for Domino’s Pizza Enterprises, told CNN: “In Auckland, we have such massive traffic congestion it just makes sense to take to the airways.” A customer who wants a drone delivery will get a notification on their phone when the drone is approaching. The drone will lower the food on a tether after the customer hits a button on his or her smartphone from outside.  *** When does this come to the U.S.?  I don’t even like Dominos but I want to order one now.  http://www.relevantmagazine.com/slices/new-zealand-future-pizza-delivery-now#BfW7c7XYmFPeuJ73.99

A teen in Mexico City recently received a hickey from his girlfriend. Doctors say the suction created a blood clot that traveled to the 17-year-old’s brain and, tragically, killed him.  *** This is why I never use a vacuum cleaner – it’s just too dangerous.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

An international group of scientists reports that simply inhaling the aroma of a hot cup of coffee may alter the activity of some genes in the brain, reducing the effects of sleep deprivation.  *** Starbucks will now be charging fifty cents per sniff.

There are over 400 different Sign Languages worldwide, but less than 1% have a complete translation of the Bible. Now the Deaf Bible Society is making a change to address the problem. They want to have translation projects for 75% of the Deaf population in place by 2025. Officials say that translating the Bible into 44 sign languages would allow them to do just that.  *** I have to admit this is somewhat lost on me – they’re deaf, not blind – couldn’t they just READ the Bible in their own country’s written language?

Doctors are using Coca-Cola to treat patients who have gastric phytobezoar – more commonly referred to as a stomach blockage. The treatment is now being favored over surgery, as it has a success rate of more than 90 percent, according to researchers from Athens University, which detailed their findings in the journal Alimentary Pharmacology and Therapeutics. Coca-Cola, along with the diet version and Coke Zero, have chemical ingredients that work the same way as gastric acid, and the carbonation helps move everything along. ***MARLAR: Coca-Cola… the poor man’s version of Ex-Lax!

A record number of companies in North America are permitting employees to work from home, according to a survey from World-At-Work. Forty-two percent of U.S. companies surveyed say they have offered their employees work-from-home programs this year, up from 30% last year. In Canada, the jump was even bigger – from 25% last year to 40% this year. ***MARLAR: I’m trying to get the radio station to let me work from home.  The hard part is convincing them to move the giant broadcast tower into my backyard each morning.

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Deaf People Earmuffs”

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Scott Wood, “Engagement/Mother-in-Law”

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD FRIDAY’S EPISODE


OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, we found out the Plaid Guy – who all the Razzleflabbins had been terrified of for years, was actually a really nice guy! So nice, in fact, that the Razzleflabbins invited him to the barbecue and to the next day’s busy day of playing and singing!

CLOSE: Tune in again next time for another inspiringly inspiring inspiration story from the never-ending deep-jungle soap-opera saga that is, As the Jungle Turns!

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF SEPTEMBER 17/18

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name) and (Station Call Letters) bring you another inspiringly inspiring inspiration story from the never-ending deep-jungle soap-opera saga that is, As the Jungle Turns!

CLOSE: So we have a new story, about having a story – but the story hasn’t begun yet because everyone wants the story to be about them. Or maybe that IS the story. Whatever… find out next time, As the Jungle Turns.

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

Showing videos to fish in fish-farms sounds pretty stupid – but experts say doing so could improve the little fishies chances of survival in the wild.

A researcher believes they could learn which predators to avoid by watching videos of one of their own being killed. (Not that this method has helped mankind at all – we have shoot-em-up videos everywhere and still don’t avoid the bad guys) The researcher has suggested a highly trained fish could then be put in with other fish to teach them how to react to predators. Culum Brown says after putting one of its predators behind a glass screen, the ‘Expert’ fish would show the others how to react. The researcher from Edinburgh University believes the survival training will improve the chances of fish released from Hatcheries. Studies suggest just 5% of the five billion hatchery-reared salmon released worldwide survive to adulthood. Mr. Brown suggested that a more drastic lesson would be to show the shoal footage of the predator in action. ***MARLAR: Hey, the fish already are in schools – why not learn something, right?

TOP TEN

TOP TEN COMPLAINTS FROM BIBLICAL WIVES

10. Eve to Adam: You never take me anywhere different to eat!

9. Sarah to Abraham: Maybe if you stopped treating me like your sister, we could start a family! (Gen. 12:19)

8. Elizabeth to John the Baptist: I cook you a nice meal and all you want is locust, locust, locust!

7. Pharaoh’s Daughter to Moses: Stop parting the bath water, Moses, and wash behind those ears!

6. David’s mom to Jesse, her husband: Do you really think it was a good idea to get David that sling? He’s going to put someone’s eye out with that thing!

5. Manoah’s wife to her son Samson: Can’t you clean the sink after you shampoo? I’m sick of all these long hairs!

4. Elizabeth to Mary: I love talking to you, Mary, really I do, but can you speak a little softer? This kid just won’t stop doing the rhumba in my tummy! (Luke 1:44)

3. Mary to Joseph: I TOLD you to make reservations!

2. Herodias to her daughter: I told Herod that if he didn’t do something about this John nut, I would make sure the problem came to a head!

1. Pilate’s wife to Pilate after the resurrection: You never listen to me, do you? How do you feel now Mr. Wash-Your-Hands-In-Public? (Matt. 27:19)

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

A bride’s restraining order get her own groom arrested during the wedding ceremony!

FILE #1: In Meadville, Pa., a man was hauled off to jail in the middle of his wedding ceremony when police realized that a recent restraining order, petitioned for by his bride, was still in effect.

FILE #2: Two Florida men were recently arrested for robbing a jewelry store. When questioned as to why they robbed the place, the men said they needed the money to pay college tuition. Not just any college either – they were looking to get the $2,500 needed to pay tuition at Palm Beach Community College POLICE ACADEMY! They then said they thought it would be “educational” to see how real police handle a robbery – up close and personal!

FILE #3: An unsuspecting mom was assaulted by a kooky criminal who passed up her purse and instead grabbed a bag full of dirty diapers. The woman was changing her baby’s diaper when she felt someone pulling at the bag near her leg. Cops said the guy was last seen running from the parking lot with the diapers and other baby items.

STRANGE LAW: In Wisconsin it is illegal to kiss on a train.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

Sure, I’ll let you arrest me… but can I finish my beer first?

Authorities in the Florida Panhandle say they arrested a convenience store shoplifter who demanded to drink the 12-ounce beer he had stolen before being taken into custody.  The Bay County Sheriff’s office says the man told the deputy he had recently lost his job of 13 years and wanted to drink beer. The man became combative when the deputy wouldn’t let him finish it.  George R. Linthicum II was charged Wednesday with shoplifting, battery, possession of marijuana not more than 20 grams and smuggling contraband into a detention facility.  

PHONER PHUN

The Vent-Lines are open! Give us a call and complain about whatever you want to complain about… you get 20 seconds, and then we’re hanging up on you!

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: What three young men had a father who was 500 years old?
ANSWER: Ham, Shem and Japheth: the sons of Noah (And Noah was five hundred years old: and Noah begat Shem, Ham, and Japheth. – Genesis 5:32)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: What would you get if you asked for a “pottle” of ice cream at the supermarket? 
ANSWER: The term “pottle” is the legal measurement describing an amount equal to two quarts. Legally, there is no such term as “half-gallon.”  So if you asked for a pottle of ice cream at the supermarket, you’d probably get a dumb look from the stock clerk.

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

01. Israel is one fourth the size of the state of Missouri. (True)

02. The slang word “geek” originates from the 1970s. (False = it derives back as far as 1611, referring to the scorn of others’ villainy.)

03. The slang word “cool” derives back as far as 1825. (True)

04. In 1979, President Carter apologized to Austria for pieces of Skylab falling on their country. (False = he had to apologize to Australia)

05. The human small intestine is approximately 11 feet long. (False = it’s closer to 21 feet long!)

06. Only 15% of people past age 18 get converted to Christianity. (True)

07. The typewriter was patented in 1768. (False = it was June 23, 1868 that the typewriter is patented.)

08. The first commercial product to use transistors was the radio. (False = it was a hearing aid in 1952. The radio used transistors two years later.)

09. One US gallon of pure water is about 8 pounds. (True = 8.345 pounds)

10. One inch of rainfall over one acre of ground would equal 2,178 gallons of water. (False = it’s actually closer to 27,143 gallons of water.)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

ANOTHER _______ WASHES ASHORE (HUMAN FOOT)

VANCOUVER, BC – A human foot has washed up in Vancouver — the eighth such grisly find  the last few years.

Vancouver police said that a person reported seeing “the remains of what appears to be a human foot and leg bones in a running shoe. “It was quite disturbing — quite a discovery to make,” Vancouver Police Constable Jana McGuinness told reporters.

A police statement said that the shoe was found floating in the water next to the Plaza of Nations marina in the False Creek area, which was cordoned off to allow the British Columbia Coroners Service to begin their investigation.

The discovery marks the eighth human foot to wash up in British Columbia since August 2007 and is the 12th to appear in the coastal region from British Columbia to northwestern Washington.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?”

“Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.”

So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, “Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!”

Although impressed, Bubba’s boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba’s knowing Cruise was just lucky.

“No, no, just name anyone else,” Bubba says.

“President Barack Obama,” his boss quickly retorts.

“Yes,” Bubba says, “I know him, let’s fly out to Washington.”

And off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, “Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a cup of coffee first and catch up.”

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.

“The Pope,” his boss replies. “Sure!” says Bubba. “I’ve known the Pope a long time.”

So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, “This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.”

And Bubba disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony.

But, by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss’s side, Bubba asks him, “What happened?”

His boss looks up and says, “I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the Japanese tourist next to me asked, ‘Who’s that on the balcony with Bubba?'”

JOKE #2

A caller to the national travel agency was inquiring about quarantine regulations for transporting birds into Canada from the United States. Lawrence gave him the information. The caller thanked the agent and then said, “May I ask a question? What do they do about the birds that just fly over the border?”

JOKE #3

Ted just finished his training session at the local McDonald’s. So he was a little nervous being behind the register for the first time. His first customer ordered a Milkshake.

“Ted,” his manager said, “remember to say ‘Welcome to McDonald’s’ to each customer before they order.”

His second customer ordered a Cheeseburger. This time, the manager approached Ted again, and said, “Remember to ask each customer if they want fries with their order.”

At this point a man came in wearing a ski mask, approached Ted at the register and pointed a gun in his face. “Give me all the money you got in that register kid!”

Ted took one look at his manager, thought for a second, and quickly said, “Would you like that for here or to go?”

USELESS FACTS

Scientists discovered the male Y chromosome repairs itself.  ***MARLAR: And as a male gene, it was repaired using duct tape.

Human blood travels 60,000 miles per day on its journey through the arteries, arterioles and capillaries and back through the veins.  ***MARLAR: Meanwhile, I get winded walking from here to the refrigerator.

FEATURED FUNNIES

WHEN I GROW UP I WANT TO BE A PILOT

When I grow up I want to be a pilot because it’s a fun job and easy to do. That’s why there are so many pilots flying around these days.

Pilots don’t need much school. They just have to learn to read numbers so they can read their instruments. I guess they should be able to read a road map, too.

Pilots should be brave to they won’t get scared if it’s foggy and they can’t see, or if a wing or motor falls off.

Pilots have to have good eyes to see through the clouds, and they can’t be afraid of thunder or lightning because they are much closer to them than we are.

The salary pilots make is another thing I like. They make more money than they know what to do with. This is because most people think that flying a plane is dangerous, except pilots don’t because they know how easy it is.

I hope I don’t get airsick because I get carsick and if I get airsick, I couldn’t be a pilot and then I would have to go to work.

. . . from the eyes of a child.

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

HOLY EMBARRASSMENT!

It can be tough sometimes to sit still in church. One teenaged boy learned just how tough during a prayer meeting.

The boy apparently was fidgeting with the back of a pew in front of him –when his finger got stuck in a pencil hole. Really stuck. He tried everything he could think of to get free. He pulled and tugged. He tried again and again. He probably even prayed – after all, he was at a prayer meeting. But he was careful not to interrupt the service. He didn’t say a word about his little problem to anyone for 45 minutes. In fact, he waited until the service was completely over before saying anything. After that, the church-goers tried lubricating the teen’s finger with cooking oil from the church kitchen, but that didn’t work. The finger was really stuck. At 8:30 p.m. firefighters were finally called to help. After trying everything they could think of, firefighters used a small handsaw to cut out a tiny section of the pew. “No harm,” said the pastor. “A little damage to the pew maybe, but no real harm.”

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

JUST BECAUSE, FOR THE SINGLE LADIES…

  • Just because no one has been fortunate enough to realize what a gold mine you are, doesn’t mean you shine any less.

  • Just because no one has been smart enough to figure out that you can’t be topped, doesn’t stop you from being the best.

  • Just because no one has come along to share your life, doesn’t mean that day isn’t coming.

  • Just because no one has made this race worth while, doesn’t give you permission to stop running.

  • Just because no one has shown up who can love you on your level, doesn’t mean you have to sink to theirs.

  • Just because you deserve the very best there is, doesn’t mean that life is always fair.

  • Just because God is still preparing your king, doesn’t mean that you’re not already a queen.

  • Just because your situation doesn’t seem to be progressing right now, doesn’t mean you need to change a thing.

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

In 2001, See You At The Pole took place just a week after the 9/11 attack.
On the third Wednesday of each September, millions of students meet at their school’s flagpole to pray. They pray for their school, their families, their friends, and their country.  In 2001, just days after the 9/11 terrorist attack on the United States, See You at the Pole took place with the theme, “Desperate for God.”  And after the attacks, many people were.
But how often are we desperate for God?  If He is really the “air we breathe,” (to paraphrase a Michael W. Smith song) we must live every moment of our lives by Jesus’ words in John 15:5, “Apart from Me you can do nothing.”
Somehow, though, we try to struggle through our lives by ourselves… until a tragedy hits… or we are overwhelmed by depression… or we experience heartbreak.  Now, suddenly, we’re desperate.
God responds to our cries of desperation, but does He want to be the last resort for the children He loves? The One we turn to only after all other avenues have led to dead-ends?
When David was in the desert, he wrote these words: “O God, You are my God, earnestly I seek You; my soul thirsts for You, my body longs for You, in a dry and weary land where there is no water.”  He had a constant need for God. He worshiped Him to satisfy his heart’s deepest longings. He desperately longed to know God intimately.
Our cry of desperation may finally come from a sense of our inadequacy. It may awaken in a broken heart that realizes the need for Someone greater, and we will cry out as David did for “more” of God.

LEFTOVERS

NOT A HOT TIME IN CARCERATION

A Prisoner sues the prison because it doesn’t serve spicy food!

A Hong Kong court has thrown out an appeal by a Chinese man to cut his prison term short because he can’t get spicy food behind bars. Law Kwok-hing told the court on Tuesday he had a hard time adjusting to life in prison because dishes from his native Hunan province were not available. “I am a native of Hunan and I like spicy food, but there is no spicy food here.” ***MARLAR: Is it not ironic that a man named Law wouldn’t be able to understand the concept of punishment?

LIFE… LIVE IT

COUPON CLIPPERS

As Americans continue to be concerned about the general cost of living in today’s unpredictable economy, they look for ways to save and get the most “bang for their buck.” September is National Coupon Month and a reminder that clipping coupons is an easy and fun way to save. According to recent research from the Promotion Marketing Association’s Coupon Council, many consumers are already taking advantage of the savings opportunities.

  • 89% of the overall population use coupons when shopping.
  • Coupon users save an average of 7% on their grocery bill.
  • Consumers who spend 20 minutes per week clipping and organizing their coupons can save up to $1,000 per year.
  • The typical family saves between $5.20 and $9.60 per week using coupons.
  • Approximately $2.6 billion is saved annually by consumers using manufacturer’s coupons.
  • More than $350 billion in coupons are offered annually.

JUST FOR FUN

TIP OR ELSE!

Not leaving a tip when you leave a restaurant is often considered rude.  In New York, it’s considered criminal!

A man from the New York City area was arrested after his party of nine failed to leave an 18 percent tip, the restaurant’s mandatory gratuity for parties of six or more people, which had been added to his bill.  Humberto Taveras was arrested for not producing the $13.73 tip to the $77.43 bill at Soprano’s Italian and American Grill. He faces a misdemeanor charge of theft of services and, if convicted, could serve up to a year in jail. Joe Soprano, who owns the restaurant, said that he did not intend to have Taveras arrested when they filed the complaint.  ***MARLAR: It takes a lot of guts to mess with a restaurant named “Sopranos”.

FUN LIST

TOP FIVE WAYS TO TELL YOU MIGHT BE A JERK

  • 10 mph in the left lane seems like a good idea to you.

  • You think kicking a man when he’s down is the best time to kick him.

  • You think lane changing is a competitive sport.

  • You help little old ladies across the street, against the light.

  • You actually enjoy talking to car salesmen.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

BARBIE MISSING!

The search is on for Barbie. She’s missing and police in Texas are searching for her… yes, I’m talking about the doll!

Police in Texas are searching for a collection of 40 Barbie dolls. They fell off the back of a pick-up truck owned by collector Alyson Burkett as she was moving from on apartment to another in San Antonio. The collection is worth about $1,000 – including new and vintage dolls, all in their original packaging and in mint condition. ***MARLAR: Except for the tire tracks across their torsos.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

Plans are in the works for a movie about Meriam Ibrahim, the woman who captivated the world’s attention in 2014 when it was revealed that she had been arrested and sentenced to death for alleged apostasy. According to the Christian Post, The planned feature film is currently in the fund raising phase. Producers are attempting to raise a half million dollars from the public to finance the film. It will be titled I Am A Christian. Meriam was sentenced to death when she refused to renounce her faith and spent many months in prison in Sudan, even giving birth to her daughter in prison, before finally being released. http://bit.ly/1BMlqmN

For many of us, the ever-present temptation to reach for the chocolate becomes nearly impossible to resist when we’re feeling stressed. The combination of deadline pressure and easily available sweets can easily sink your weight-management plans for the day. But newly published research suggests this dynamic can be circumvented with a bit of folk wisdom: If you sense your craving is about to be triggered, take a short, brisk walk. According to Huffington Post, A research team at the University of Innsbruck in Austria reports a 15-minute walk reduces the urge for a sugary snack even in people who are overweight, under pressure, and literally have candy available at the tips of their fingers.  ***MARLAR: If you have chocolate at the tip of your fingers, doesn’t that indicate you’ve already partaken of the chocolate? http://ow.ly/rvGC304f5HB

With just a single photo posted to Facebook and a GoFundMe.com page, a Good Samaritan was able to raise almost $150,000 for Fidencio Sanchez. The 89-year-old man sells popsicles from a cart in the Little Village neighborhood in Chicago. While driving through the area, Joel Cervantes Macías saw Sanchez struggling to push his cart and posted a photo and GoFundMe page to his Facebook account hopping to raise 3-thousand dollars to help brighten the family’s day. Instead, the site page raised over 100-thousand dollars in just 24 hours.  And it’s now over $300,000!  Check out the GoFundMe page at https://www.gofundme.com/2am4q7kk.

The Church of England is attempting to bring faith and science closer together with the launch of a series of new projects. According to Christian Today, In one project titled “Take your Vicar to the Lab” scientists who attend church will be urged to take their vicars on a tour of their working environments. A further seven projects have also been awarded up to 10,000 British Pounds in the new Scientists in Congregations scheme, aimed at helping churchgoers engage confidently with science and raising the profile of Christians whose vocation is science-related.  http://bit.ly/2cckYbT

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Hey, have a great day — and be sure to watch out for all those normal people on the streets. –HaLife

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

SEPTEMBER 16, 2016…

 

Blair Witch—In 1999, “Blair Witch” was a runaway hit.  Now, it is present day, and a brother of one of the characters of the first film, decides to go into the same woods and see if he can find anything.  The original people are still missing. The cast includes Callie Hernandez and Corbin Reid. “Blair Witch” is rated R. No rating.

 

Operation Avalanche—Here is another film with the premise of “found footage” dealing with a dramatic event. There is a cover-up here. Stars Matt Johnson and Josh Bales. “Operational Avalanche” is rated R. No rating.

 

Bridget Jones’s Baby—Part Three of the saga of Bridget Jones, as played by Rene Zellweger and this time around she is pregnant.  Who is the father? Colin Firth? Patrick Dempsey? Bridget has been busy, but Zellweger has not, as this is her first major film in five years. “Bridget Jones’s Baby” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

 

Snowden—Joseph Gordon-Levitt stars as Edward Snowden in this film directed by Oliver Stone. What happened, how it happened and with Zachary Quinto (“Star Trek” films) as reporter Glenn Greenwald. “Snowden” is rated PG 13. No rating.

 

SEPTEMBER 23, 2016…

 

The Magnificent Seven is a remake of the famous western with William Holden. This time, Denzel Washington is the leader and other stars are Chris Pratt and Ethan Hawke.

 

Storks is an animated film about whether storks really deliver babies or not. Voices of Andy Samberg and Kelsey Grammar. A comedy.

 

The Dressmaker stars Kate Winslet as a woman who returns to an Australian town to open a dress shop.

 

The Hollars is finally opening and written and starring John Krasinski from “The Office.” Concerns a dysfunctional family.

 

Beauty and the Beast is yet another version of the famous tale. Stars Vincent Cassel and Lea Seydroux.

 

Goat stars Nick Jonas as a student who tries to get his brother into a fraternity.

 

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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.