September 17, 2015: Thursday ONAIRprep

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PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20150917

 

 

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Okay, gang, better watch out for my devastating wit, because today I’m setting my personality for “Stun!”

 

My ABS light came on in my car this morning, so I tightened my stomach several times. It’s still on, but I don’t think it’s a good idea to do crunches when I’m driving. — Duane Matz

 

 

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“Be patient with everyone.” –1 Thessalonians 5:14

 

Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers. –Galatians 6:10

 

Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show it by his good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom. — James 3:13

 

 

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

Blessed be your glorious name, and may it be exalted above all blessing and praise. — Nehemiah 9:5

 

Thought: God loves to hear our praises and songs of adoration. He longs to hear us call him Abba Father and King of the Ages. But better than all the praise we can muster and higher than the highest sounds of angels is something higher still: the very name of God. Let’s make a commitment to revere and hold as holy the name of our glorious God!

 

Prayer: Almighty God, Father of compassion and Creator of the Universe, I praise you for exerting your will on our world. Now, dear Father, please make your will clearly demonstrable in my life as I seek to live for you so that your name will be exalted. In the holy name of Jesus I pray. Amen.

 

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

 

 

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

Nehemiah 9:17 NIV = …But you are a forgiving God, gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love . . .

 

 

TODAY IS THURSDAY – SEPTEMBER 17, 2015

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 99 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.  

 

Today is DOUBLE-DIGIT COUNTDOWN DAY. You now have 99 shopping days until Christmas. ***MARLAR: Feel free to begin panicking.

 

This is PLAY MY MUSIC OR ELSE DAY. In 2002 a 27-year-old gun-toting musician forced a southern Brazilian radio station to play his debut album for more than an hour after apparently having no luck opening the doors of show business. The incident ended after 70 minutes when Vinicius dos Santos surrendered to police. Nobody was injured and the deejay later informed listeners where they could buy the musician’s album.

 

Today is DOGGY DIAPER DAY. On this day in 1996 the U.S. issued a patent (#5,555,847) to Wanda M. Kelly for her Disposable Dog Diaper.  ***MARLAR: What can you say about your life when you suddenly realize your changing diapers on a dog?

 

Today is DON’T TELL ME HOW TO DRIVE DAY. In 1988 research results were released indicating that Americans did not want talking cars, cameras, or appliances that told them what to do or how to do it.  ***MARLAR: After all, that’s what a spouse is for.

 

Today is CONSTITUTION DAY, which commemorates the formation and signing of the U.S. Constitution by thirty-nine brave men on September 17, 1787, recognizing all who, are born in the U.S. or by naturalization, have become citizens. ***MARLAR: But it’s not a national holiday, because we don’t read it anymore. (

)

 

Today is M*A*S*H DAY, marking the TV shows premier on this date in 1972. It lasted 11 years. (

)

 

 

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Citizenship Day

Constitution Day

International Country Music Day

RAINN Day (Rape Abuse Incest National Network)

Time’s Up Day

VFW Ladies Auxiliary Day

 

 

COMING UP NEXT

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 18

Air Force Birthday

Chiropractic Founders Day

Constitution Day/Pledge Across America

Hug a Greeting Card Writer Day

National Ceiling Fan Day

National Cheeseburger Day

National HIV/AIDS and Aging Awareness Day

National Respect Day

World Water Monitoring Day

Clean Up The World Weekend

National POW/MIA Recognition Day

National Trademen Day

 

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 19

Clean Up The World Weekend

AKC Responsible Dog Ownership Day

Big Whopper Liar Day

Boys’ and Girls’ Club Day for Kids

Fall Astronomy Day

International Eat An Apple Day

International Coastal Clean up Day

National Gymnastics Day

National Seatcheck Saturday 2015

Talk Like a Pirate Day

 

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 20

Clean Up The World Weekend

Puppy Mill Awareness Day

Nickelodeon’s Worldwide Day of Play

Wife Appreciation Day

 

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 21

International Day of Peace

Respect For The Aged Day

World Alzheimer’s Day

 

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 22

American Business Women’s Day

Car Free Day

Chainmail Day

Dear Diary Day

Elephant Appreciation Day

Hobbit Day

Ice Cream Cone Day

International Day of Radiant Peace

National Centenarian’s Day

National Rock n’ Roll Dog Day

National Voter Registration Day

National White Chocolate Day

National Woman Road Warrior Day

Yom Kippur

 

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 23

Checkers Day (Dogs in Politics Day)

Mabon

Fall (Autumn) Equinox (4:21am)

National Rehabilitation Day

Restless Legs Awareness Day

 

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 24

Innergize Day

National Ag Day

Punctuation Day

Schwenkfelder Thanksgiving

 

 

ON THIS DAY

1787: The Constitution was completed and signed by a majority of the delegates attending the constitutional convention in Philadelphia.

 

1862: The bloodiest day in U.S. military history occurred at the Battle of Antietam when more than 23,000 were killed or wounded.

 

1908: Lt. Thomas Selfridge, a passenger in a plane piloted by Orville Wright, became the first airplane fatality when the craft crashed.

 

1920: The American Professional Football Association—a precursor of the NFL—was formed in Canton, Ohio.

 

1980: Anastasio Somoza Debayle, former president of Nicaragua, was assassinated in Paraguay.

 

1994: Heather Whitestone of Alabama became the first deaf Miss America.

 

2004: Barry Bonds became the third baseball player to hit 700 career home runs, joining Hank Aaron and Babe Ruth.

 

 

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1179: Hildegaard of Bingen, a German abbess, mystic, author, and preacher who received visions of God from the age of 5, dies at age 82.

 

1575: Swiss reformer Heinrich Bullinger dies. Next to John Calvin, Bullinger exerted the most influence over the second-generation Reformers.

 

1630: English settlers change the name of Trimountain, Massachusetts, to Boston in honor of pastor John Cotton, formerly of St. Botolph’s Church in Boston, England.

 

1776: 247 Spanish colonists consecrate their California mission of San Francisco, today a city of 725,000.

 

 

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actor (“New York Undercover”, “Thief”, “Girlfriends”, Cool Runnings) Malik Yoba 48 (
    )
  • actor (King Kong, The Kingdom, “Friday Night Lights”) Kyle Chandler 50
  • comedian Rita Rudner 59
  • actress (TV’s “Elvira, Mistress of the Dark”) Cassandra Peterson 64

 

 

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1923 : Hank Williams

1926 : Bill Black

1926 : Brother Jack McDuff

1929 : Sil Austin

1940 : LaMonte McLemore (The 5th Dimension)

1947 : Lol Creme (10cc)

1950 : Fee Waybill (The Tubes)

1950 : Mike Hossack (The Doobie Brothers)

1962 : BeBe Winans

1968 : Lord Jamar (Brand Nubian)

1970 : Vinnie (Vincent Brown – Naughty By Nature)

1976 : Maile Misajoin (Eden’s Crush)

1979 : Chuck Comeau (Simple Plan)

 

 

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Who invented the toothbrush?
Now don’t bristle, but that “who” will have to be collective. The toothbrush is an anonymous, evolving cultural artifact, not an invention. We begin with a twig, frayed at one end, which was a kind of ancient brush used at least as far back as the Egypt of the Pharaohs. They are still used in some rural areas of the United States. The modern toothbrush originated in China about the time that Columbus discovered America. They used bristles taken from the back of a hog’s neck and attached them to bamboo or bone to brush their teeth. (I guess you could say it was a kind of piggyback contraption.) Europeans adopted the device, but used horsehair for bristles. Nylon toothbrushes, considerably more sanitary, finally appeared, in the U.S. in 1938. I hope this information didn’t leave a bad taste in your mouth.
Source: EXTRAORDINARY ORIGINS OF EVERYDAY THINGS by Charles Panati

 

 

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE! Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

 

Bob Smiley: Nothing makes me feel like I’m back in the Junior High cafeteria more than Southwest Airline’s open seating policy.

 

Kevin Monahan: I like to end most debates by saying, “If it weren’t for facts and common sense, I would totally agree with you.”

 

Some fun facts about Citizen Way from Free CCM:

-Citizen Way was previously known as The Least of These.

-Ben Blascoe speaks fluent German.

-David was primarily a hip-hop producer and musician before joining Citizen Way.

 

David Crowder is back with another “deal of the day”. The front man of the band Crowder has been sharing deals he’s seen that really aren’t very good deals. He latest picture was of a sign that advertised: Today’s Offer: buy any 2 wraps and pay for them both…

 

 

WEIRD & WACKY

Flying brisket whacks woman amid beef at barbecue festival
DANVILLE, Ky. (AP) — Police say a woman was hit with a hot flying brisket when a contestant’s temper flared during a beef over a shared cooker at a central Kentucky barbecue festival. Danville police say they were called to the Kentucky State BBQ Festival after a dispute was reported between…

 

Suspect returns to burglary scene for lost keys, cellphone
TWIN FALLS, Idaho (AP) — A man is charged with burglary after police say he returned to a Twin Falls, Idaho, home for his forgotten car keys and cellphone. The Times-News reports (http://bit.ly/1W0jIri) a woman called police when she found her home ransacked on Saturday, with a stranger’s…
New York grilled-cheese truck wins top street food award
NEW YORK (AP) — A New York grilled-cheese food truck whose proceeds go to help formerly incarcerated youths has won the top Vendy award for best street fare. The Street Vendor Project sponsors the annual event. It announced this year’s Vendy Cup winner is Snowday, a truck specializing in…
Cars in Reno, Nevada, damaged by watermelons
RENO, Nev. (AP) — Police say vandals have been lobbing watermelons at cars in a Reno, Nevada, neighborhood. KOLO-TV reports (http://bit.ly/1Kl0Y21) Sunday night’s vandalism happened in Angelique Ybarra’s northwest Reno neighborhood. A watermelon dented the side of her car in July, and she…
New England experts concerned by sighting of invasive turtle    photo
BOSTON (AP) — Two odd-looking Chinese soft-shelled marsh turtles raised for food in Asia have been seen south of Boston, and there’s concern they could eventually threaten local ecosystems if they become established in New England. New England Aquarium experts said Saturday it is possible…
Police: Exotic Australian bird loose in New Hampshire
BOW, N.H. (AP) — Police are warning a New Hampshire town to watch out for an emu on the loose. Bow police say several people have reported seeing an emu wandering around Saturday morning. They say they don’t know where the bird belongs. Emus are among the largest birds in the world and are…
Police: Shoplifting suspect had raspberry cookies in pants
ALTOONA, Pa. (AP) — Police in Pennsylvania say a repeat shoplifter has been caught with his pants up — but full of raspberry cookies. HASH(0x1413fd0) Kaylor, who has six previous retail theft arrests and four convictions, was checking out at Martins Food Store in Altoona when a clerk…
Dog park committee enlists land-clearing specialists: goats
PORTSMOUTH, R.I. (AP) — A new dog park in Rhode Island got some help from a group of land-clearing specialists: goats. Organizers used a herd of the ravenous ruminants to clear brush from a plot of land in Portsmouth that will eventually be turned over to man’s best friend. HASH(0x1413140)…
Colonoscope helps Thai police recover stolen 6-carat diamond
BANGKOK (AP) — The good news for the Chinese visitor to Bangkok was that a doctor had successfully removed a foreign object from her large intestine that could have damaged her digestive system. The bad news: It was a 10 million baht ($278,000) diamond the woman was accused of stealing from a…
Concerns over aggressive goats lead to Idaho trail closure
CLARK FORK, Idaho (AP) — The U.S. Forest Service has temporarily closed a northern Idaho hiking trail over concerns about aggressive mountain goats after one animal bit a hiker and others reportedly tried to head-butt or charge visitors. HASH(0x13d3830) Visitors to the trail have been…
Utah twins pregnant again with 2nd set of twins    photo
LINDON, Utah (AP) — Kerri Bunker and Kelli Wall know a thing or two about twins. The two women are identical twins who already each have one set of twins. Now, they are getting ready to each have a second set of twins next spring, KSL-TV reports (http://bit.ly/1KbrJBy). “To have twins twice…

 

 

 

HEALTH & FITNESS

House chairman subpoenas uncut Planned Parenthood videos
WASHINGTON (AP) — A House committee chairman issued a subpoena Tuesday for an anti-abortion group’s unedited videos about Planned Parenthood’s provision of fetal tissue for research. The subpoena by Rep. Jason Chaffetz, R-Utah, who heads the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee,…

 

Panel backs aspirin for heart health in only certain adults
WASHINGTON (AP) — A government task force says a daily low-dose aspirin could help certain people in their 50s and 60s prevent a first heart attack or stroke — and they might get some protection against colon cancer at the same time. The U.S. Preventive Services Task Force issued draft…
New Ebola death reported in northern Sierra Leone
FREETOWN, Sierra Leone (AP) — Sierra Leone on Monday announced a new Ebola death in a northern district that had gone nearly six months without reporting any infections. The announcement marked another setback in ending Ebola transmission in Sierra Leone, which has totaled nearly 4,000 Ebola…
NFL’s safety campaign includes rule changes and PR effort    photo
NEW YORK (AP) — Jim Gossett has been paid to watch football games for more than 30 years: for three decades as an athletic trainer at Columbia University and four seasons as an injury spotter for the NFL. But this season, stationed high above the field at MetLife Stadium, Gossett is able to…
Big jump in number of immigrants losing health law coverage
WASHINGTON (AP) — A change in government procedures has led to a big jump in people losing coverage under the Obama health care law because of immigration and citizenship issues. More than 400,000 had their insurance canceled, nearly four times as many as last year. The Obama administration…
Russian official urges fight against alcohol abuse at work
MOSCOW (AP) — A top Russian official has called upon state-owned arms producers to introduce an ethics code in order to battle alcohol abuse in the workplace. Russian Deputy Prime Minister Olga Golodets, speaking Tuesday to human resources directors of major state-owned companies, lamented “a…
Fitness programs help campus rabbis shape up    photo
CONCORD, N.H. (AP) — As an Orthodox Jew, Rabbi Moshe Gray may not need a cross. But CrossFit? That’s another story. Gray, the director of a Jewish center at Dartmouth College, hits the high-intensity core strength and conditioning program five days a week. And he’s not the only campus rabbi…
Heroin epidemic puts pressure on schools to get antidote    photo
PROVIDENCE, R.I. (AP) — The heroin epidemic that has been taking the lives of teenagers for years is creeping into even younger age groups and putting pressure on the nation’s schools to keep a fast-acting overdose antidote within reach of every nurse and teacher. Although overdoses at school…
In Zimbabwe, a cemetery has become an exercise hotspot    photo
HARARE, Zimbabwe (AP) — Caroline Vumbunu believes that exercising among the dead helps prolong her life. Every morning, the 59-year-old takes power walks in the Warren Hills cemetery in Zimbabwe’s capital. She’s not alone. The cemetery has become a workout site for dozens of other Zimbabweans…
California lawmakers approve right-to-die legislation    photo
SACRAMENTO, Calif. (AP) — California lawmakers gave final approval Friday to a bill that would allow terminally ill patients to legally end their lives. The measure faces an uncertain future with Gov. Jerry Brown, a former Jesuit seminarian who has not said whether he will sign it. Senators…
Study suggests getting blood pressure even lower saves lives    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — Aiming lower saves more lives when it comes to controlling high blood pressure, says a major new study that could spur doctors to more aggressively treat patients over 50. Patients who got their blood pressure well below today’s usually recommended level significantly cut…

 

 

 

NEWS KICKERS

(None on the weekends)

 

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

An 84-year-old man in Evansville, Indiana, is facing battery charges after police say he dumped a bowl filled with urine over the head of a teenage boy. Charles Weatherford was arrested after he reportedly got into an argument with the 13-year-old over some smashed bricks on his property.  *** Who knew we’d look fondly on the days when the old guy neighbor would just yell at you to get off his lawn?

 

After picking up a latte from a Phoenix Starbucks recently, Kim Dillon says she nearly swallowed a legless lizard that was in her drink. Dillon adds that the experience still disturbs her. She says: “It was just so gross knowing it was in my mouth.”  *** Almost as gross as the price she paid for that Starbucks latte.

 

Western Pennsylvania’s largest 911 dispatch center – Allegheny County Emergency Services – is infested with bed bugs.  ***Is that what happens when you’re found sleeping on the job?

 

A 249-foot slide will soon take it’s place as the world’s longest slide. A team of architects has finished the design for the slide, which will wrap around a massive sculpture, originally built for the London 2012 Olympic Games. Once it’s operational in 2016, riders will pay $8 for a ride that lasts nearly 40 seconds.  ***Sounds awesome… until you do the math.  At eight bucks per 40 seconds, you’re paying $720 per hour for a glorified Slip-And-Slide.

 

New York City police say they found a loaded gun inside a hollowed-out lockbox that resembles the Bible during a traffic stop. Officers made the discovery in Brooklyn after pulling over a car with tinted windows.  Police say they searched the car after smelling a strong odor of marijuana. They also found an open alcohol container and a knife. The driver and two passengers were charged with weapon and marijuana possession.  *** Actual, the Bible is sometimes called a sword… so TWO weapons charges.

 

 

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

The best studies are the ones that tell us we are not alone. A survey from an international conference call company (from Intercall) finds that when you occasionally zone out on conference calls, you’re participating in a national pastime. More than 60 percent of respondents admitted to doing other work or sending an email while on a conference call.  *** Or shopping eBay… or putting the phone on mute and watching Netflix… or putting the phone on mute to go to the bathroom… not that I’ve done any of those things.

 

Cigarette smoking is pervasive in movies.  That’s according to a National Cancer Institute report which says tobacco marketing and showing smoking in movies promote youth smoking. The report says smoking is seen in three out of four or more, of contemporary box-office hits. And, it says identifiable cigarette brands appear in about one-third of movies. One of the recommendations suggested by the editors of the report is to put anti-tobacco advertisements before films “to partially counter the impact of tobacco portrayals in movies.”  ***MARLAR: Because that will be SO much more effective than that “this product will kill you” label that’s already on the cigarette pack.

 

Why people stutter has long been a medical mystery, with the condition blamed over the years on emotional problems, overbearing parents and browbeating teachers. Now, for the first time, scientists have found genes that could explain some cases of stuttering.  ***MARLAR: They soon plan on naming the specific gene that causes stuttering once they can all agree on a name that doesn’t contain the letters S, P or T.

 

If you’re trying to score her phone number, big guy, do it on a sunny day. A French psychologist asked five attractive guys to hit on 500 total women where the goal was to get a phone number. The guys were much more likely to grab her number if the skies were clear and sunny rather than full of clouds.  ***MARLAR: Meaning residents of Seattle will be single forever.

 

 

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Wrong Numbers Never Busy”

 

 

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Chonda Pierce, “Travel Packing”

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THURSDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, all of the jungle animals were on the lookout for the perfect picnic spot so they could have the perfect picnic. They’ve already passed some great places, and everyone wanted to stop and have their picnic… but Gruffy still isn’t satisfied, and is insisting they move on!

 

CLOSE: Is he kidding?!?! There can’t possibly be a better spot than that – and everyone is hungry and tired! What more does Gruffy want? Find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF SEPTEMBER 19/20, 2015
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, all of the jungle animals were on the lookout for the perfect picnic spot so they could have the perfect picnic. They’ve already passed some great places, and everyone wanted to stop and have their picnic… but Gruffy still isn’t satisfied, and is insisting they move on!

 

CLOSE: Is he kidding?!?! There can’t possibly be a better spot than that – and everyone is hungry and tired! What more does Gruffy want? Find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

 

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of As the Jungle Turns in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us.

 

 

MOMENT OF DUH

Ever wonder why our public education system is such a mess?  Well, here’s a clue… some of the people working in the system may not be educated well themselves! 

2002’s edition of the Washington, DC public school system’s standardized-test guide for elementary students was riddled with errors and typos, so they made a concerted effort to make the 2003 test perfect… and it came out riddled with errors and typos.  For example, one question asks the student taking the test to count an image of nine flowers. But then the only multiple-choice answers available were numbers between 22 and 30. ***MARLAR: This makes perfect sense in Washington D.C. though – because there you can increase spending while decreasing the national debt.

 

 

TOP TEN

TOP TEN DRAWBACKS TO WORKING IN A CUBICLE

 

  1. Being told to “Think Outside the Box” when I’m in the box all day!

 

  1. Fabric cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of gun fire.

 

  1. That nagging feeling that if I just press the right button, I will get a piece of cheese.

 

  1. Lack of roof rafters for the noose.

 

  1. My walls are too close together for my hammock to work right.

 

  1. 23 power cords, 1 outlet.

 

  1. Prison cells are not only bigger, they have beds.

 

  1. If you talk to yourself it causes all the surrounding cubicle inhabitants to pop their heads over the wall and say “What? I didn’t hear you.”

 

  1. You always have the feeling that someone is watching you, but by the time you turn to look they’re gone

 

  1. Can’t slam the door when you quit and walk out.

 

 

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Impersonating an officer is a big no-no.  But if you’re an officer impersonating a woman, that could just be part of the job!

 

FILE #1: Police in Ulyanovsk, Russia, got a tip that criminals planned to attack a young woman in her apartment, so a male cop took her place. Igor Selendey is a marksman and judo expert. He borrowed a wig and makeup from a theater, shaved his face three times, put on a nightie and waited. At midnight, there was a knock. Two thugs burst in, making threats and demanding money. The cop begged them not to kill “her,” then closed the door. When back-up arrived shortly afterward, the thugs were already on the floor, unconscious and in handcuffs.

 

FILE #2: Teenagers have a tendency to get into trouble when they are bored and have nothing to do and such is the case for a pair of teenagers from Wisconsin. They apparently must have been REALLY BORED one day when they were wondering what it would be like to be shot. They were going to shoot themselves to find out, until a 34-year-old relative loved them too much to allow them to do that to themselves. . . so he did it for them! He shot both of them in the legs! They were sent to the hospital and he was sent to jail!

 

FILE #3: A judge has ruled that an Arkansas man cannot file any more lawsuits without permission from the court. This follows his filing of three lawsuits against the Arkansas State Police accusing them of using ”microwave transmission” and ”high frequency sound” surveillance equipment against him. He says they have harassed him so much that he almost lost his job. He also says he has asked them often to stop sending ”thought interceptors” and ”microwave transmissions” subliminally to him. ***MARLAR: Apparently he’s never tried tinfoil. It works for me.

 

STRANGE LAW: In Hartford, Connecticut, it is illegal to kiss your wife on Sunday.

 

 

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

A man helps a friend by paying a fine for him – but ends up in jail for doing so!

In Wilmington, North Carolina, Jermelle Caldwell was heading down to the courthouse to pay the fine of a friend. But he freaked out when he rounded a corner inside the building and came face to face with a metal detector. He nervously told the deputies, “I’ve gotta go to the car.” Unfortunately for him, the deputies decided to search him anyway, discovering 14 bags of marijuana and 10 bags of heroin in his pockets. He’s joined his friend in jail.

 

 

PHONER PHUN

What kind of cool accessories have that not yet made available on cars that you’d like to see? Self-driving cars? Ability to change paint colors by pushing a button? Message boards on the back of your car to tell drivers behind you to back off? The ability to talk directly with another car you see on the road?

 

 

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: What is the name of the Bible character that preached in a valley full of dead men’s bones?
ANSWER : Ezekiel (Ezekiel 37)

 

 

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: According to a survey at Yahoo! Shine, what do the majority of women (36%) say is the most important personality trait that makes a man “relationship material?”
ANSWER: Loyalty.

 

 

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

 

  1. Julius and Ethel Rosenberg were the first couple in space. (False, they were the first married couple to go to the electric chair)

 

  1. M Scott Carpenter was America’s second man in space. (True)

 

  1. Robert Frost read a poem at Bill Clinton’s inauguration. (False, John F Kennedy’s inauguration)

 

  1. Clifford Irving admitted that his “autobiography” of Howard Hughes was a hoax. (True)

 

  1. Charles Schulz’s most famous creation was the comic, “Garfield”. (False, “Peanuts”)

 

  1. Mark Poll founded the American Institution of public Opinion. (False, George Gallup)

 

  1. Malcom X’s real last name was Lex. (False, Little)

 

  1. DeWitt Wallace founded The Reader’s Digest. (True)

 

  1. NFL officials began throwing red colored flags after abandoning white ones in 1965. (False, Gold, not red)

 

  1. NFL’s Steve Young is one of Brigham Young’s many great-great-great grandsons. (True)

 

 

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

“Soldier _______ His Sergeant’s Daughter!” (MARRIES)

Private First Class Duncan Schneider has truly got guts. He recently finished training with his Oregon Army National Guard unit and prepared for deployment to Iraq to fight in the war. But before leaving, he quickly married his longtime girlfriend — which means his unit’s first sergeant is now his mother-in-law!

 

 

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY

JOKE #1

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. “Boss,” he says, “we’re doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.”
“We’re short-handed, Smith” the boss replies. “I can’t give you the day off.”
“Thanks, boss,” says Smith “I knew I could count on you!”

 

JOKE #2

The Lamaze class included a tour of the pediatric wing of the hospital. When a new baby was brought into the nursery, all the women tried to guess its weight, but the guy standing next to Melodie was the only male to venture a number.

“Looks like 9 pounds,” he offered confidently.

“This must not be your first,” Melodie said.

“Oh, yes,” he said. “It’s my first.”

“Then how would you know the weight of a baby?” she asked.

He shrugged. “I’m a fisherman.”

 

JOKE #3

A distraught dog owner called a vet pleading for an immediate appointment. He explained that his dog had a large growth or swelling near the corner of its mouth, so I told him to bring the 
animal over.

When the man came in with his pet, the vet examined the dog as the man stood by, anxiously waiting. At last the doctor turned to him and asked, “Do you have any children?”

“Oh, good grief, is it contagious?” the man gasped.

“No,” the doctor answered. “It’s bubble gum.”

 

 

USELESS FACTS

The average Alaskan eats twice as much ice cream as residents in any other state.   ***MARLAR: Maybe because they don’t need any freezer space to keep it fresh.

 

A Kern County, California, couple were ticketed for jaywalking because one of their chickens allegedly impeded traffic by wandering onto the highway.  ***MARLAR: They’re still trying to figure out why the chicken crossed the road.

 

 

FEATURED FUNNIES

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY…

 

“Everything Comes In Threes” – Not true. In reality, everything comes in ones. Sometimes, when three “ones” come in a row, it seems like everything comes in threes. By the way, in medieval times, it was widely believed that everything came in twenty-sixes. They were wrong, too. It just took them longer to recognize the pattern.

“You Learn Something New Every Day” – Actually, you learn something old every day. Just because you’ve just learned it, doesn’t mean it’s new. Other people already knew it, Columbus is a good example of this.

“You Get What You Pay For” – Clearly this is not true. Have you been shopping recently? Only a very naive person would believe that you get what you pay for. In point of fact, if you check your purchases carefully, you’ll find that you get whatever they feel like giving you. And if corporations get any more powerful, you soon might not even get that.

“You Can’t Take It With You (when you die)” – Well…, that depends on what it is. If it’s your dark blue suit, you can certainly take it with you. In fact, not only can you take it with you, you can probably put some things in your pockets.

“Nice Guys Finish Last” – Not true. Studies have shown that, on average, nice guys finish third in a field of six. Actually, short guys finish last. By the way, in medieval times, it was widely believed that nice guys finished twenty-sixth. You can see how limited those people were.

 

 

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

DOLPHIN SWIMMING TRUNKS…

A team of Chicago zoologists saved a bottlenose dolphin that was nearly killed by a Speedo. The dolphin, nicknamed Scrappy, must’ve found the man’s swimsuit floating in Florida’s Sarasota Bay and got his head and torso stuck in the waist and leg hole. It was so tight, it could’ve severed an artery. After several days of monitoring the dolphin, the suit was still stuck; so they had to catch Scrappy and send in a “depantsing” team to remove it, then release him, naked and free, back into the bay. A spokesman said it shows that Speedos can be a threat to more than just good taste.

 

 

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

When we were living in Florida, we asked our new neighbor, a young mother, if she would like us to take the children to church where I taught 20 eager boys and girls. She happily consented.

All 22 children enjoyed hearing stories about the British professor who always taught each new class of boys, “It’s better to die than to tell a lie.” So each week as we settled in for school I would say, “Better to die .. . ,” and the class would respond, “. . . than tell a lie.”

Some time later the daddy took the family for a drive, and as they entered a sleepy town he ignored the posted speed limit. The mother called his attention to it, but he argued, “There’s no one around; why go that slow?”

Soon he was pulled over by a police officer, who asked, “Didn’t you see the speed limit sign?”

Daddy answered, “No, what sign?”

His son spoke up from the backseat, “Daddy, better to die than tell a lie!”

As the daddy flushed with shame the officer clapped him on the shoulder and said, “You’ve got a great son there. I’ll not give you a ticket this time, but you better start paying attention!”

Little words fitly spoken had a lasting impact on their whole family.

–Kay Hansen, Sautee, Georgia

 

 

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

NO MORE EXCUSES

Read: Ezekiel 18:1-18

The soul who sins shall die. —Ezekiel 18:4

When salmon travel hundreds of miles up rivers and streams to spawn, they are acting on instinct. They are in a sense being driven by an uncontrollable force.

I read about a young convict who thinks that human conduct is similar to that of the salmon. Referring to the murders he committed and to his own fate, he said, “Things just happen.” He thinks some kind of force was responsible for his pulling the trigger and killing two people. But he is wrong. Man is free and cannot blame his sinful actions on an uncontrollable force such as instinct.

More than 2,500 years ago, some Israelites were using a similar excuse for their sin. They quoted a well-known proverb that placed the blame for their sins on their ancestors (Ezekiel 18:2). But God told them they were wrong. He said that a good man will not be punished for the sins of a wicked son. Nor will a godly son be punished for the sins of his evil father.

Make no mistake. No matter what your situation, you are responsible for what you do. Stop offering excuses for your sins. Instead, acknowledge your guilt to God and accept the forgiveness He offers (Psalm 32:5). That’s the first step in exercising your individual responsibility. —Herb Vander Lugt

 

Our actions are accountable
In God’s just court above,
So we must face this certain fact:
We need His pardoning love. —Branon

 

There’s no excuse for excusing sin.

 

 

LEFTOVERS

ARE YOU INCOMPETENT?

According to a recent study, if you’re incompetent, you’d be the last person to know it!

A psychologist who has studied incompetent people says they are the least likely to realize how useless they are. He reckons the skills needed for competence are the same ones needed to recognize it. The findings may explain why people with a poor sense of humor insist on telling bad jokes. Dr David Dunning studied dozens of poor students, many of them confident in their abilities, before reaching his conclusions. Dunning’s assistant, graduate student Justin Kruger, says, “Not only do incompetents reach erroneous conclusions and make unfortunate choices but their incompetence robs them of the ability to realize it.”  ***MARLAR: I don’t get it.

 

 

LIFE… LIVE IT

Got fat? Don’t drink the milk!
While children are urged to drink plenty of milk, a new study suggests that the more milk that kids drink, the fatter they get and, surprisingly skim milk is worse than whole milk. A survey of more than 12,000 children aged 9 to 14 showed that those who drank more milk weighed more than those who drank less. Researchers now say that kids’ basic beverage should be water and they note that in many parts of the world, kids don’t drink any milk at all and they end up with healthy bones. As far as getting calcium, leafy green vegetables have that and other nutrients and are low in calories. ***MARLAR: That might be true, but it’s not practical.  Have you ever tried making a chocolate milkshake out of kale?

 

 

JUST FOR FUN

TURTLE CROSSING

We’ve heard of pedestrian crossings, cattle crossings, deer crossings… and now in Nebraska you might see a sign for a turtle crossing!

Now there are spots designated for turtle crossings at a wildlife refuge in Nebraska. To preserve rare Branding’s turtles, officials in north-central Nebraska have put up chain link fences to help herd them under U.S. Highway 83. Blanding’s turtles can live up to 70 years. They are listed nationally as a species of special concern, which means they could be headed for extinction or endangered status.  ***MARLAR: If these turtles can live for 70 years, maybe someone can teach them to use a crosswalk.

 

 

FUN LIST

CAMPING TIPS

  • Get even with a bear that raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants.
  • Old socks can be made into high fiber beef jerky by smoking them over an open fire.
  • A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.
  • While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy Knife has remained largely unheralded. Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe paddle.
  • You can compress the diameter of your rolled up sleeping bag by running over it with your car.

 

 

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

FIVE WAYS TO FIGHT LESS, LOVE MORE

(from Laurie Puhn, J.D., author of “Fight Less, Love More”)

Whatever the problem, these strategies melt away conflict.

 

  1. Eliminate Dumb Factual Arguments: “You’re wrong. You don’t know what you’re talking about. The bailout was first signed under Obama,” argues your mate.   ///   Smart Tactic: When tempers flare ask yourself, “Are we arguing about a fact or an opinion?” If you conclude it’s a fact, immediately raise the white flag and say, “This is silly. We’re arguing about a fact. Let’s stop right now to fact-check on the internet.”

 

  1. Avoid Post-Argument Arguments: After a heated verbal exchange, you finally hear the priceless word “okay” which offers you a mutually acceptable agreement on an issue.   ///   Smart Tactic: Lock your lips. Quit while you’re ahead. Recognize that you have found common ground and won the argument even if you haven’t gotten all that you want. Never make the provokingly dumb statement “I have just one more thing to say…” or you will re-start the argument.

 

  1. Reject the “Whatever” Word: If someone asks you what you think about a hot-topic political, economic or social issue or even where you want to go for dinner, you might want to take the passive route by responding with the “W” word.   ///   Smart Tactic: Whatever you do, don’t say whatever. It blows people off and incites retaliation. Instead, think and give a specific answer. Watch this short entertaining video for a play-by-play enactment of the ‘whatever’ argument.

 

  1. Engage, Don’t Enrage: Your annoying motor mouth mate, colleague, or friend desperately wants to persuade you that he/she is right about an issue. He/she won’t stop talking until you cave.   ///   Smart Tactic: Change your game plan. Don’t fight to be right. Instead, view the situation as a time to listen. Short-circuit the conflict by repeating neutral comments like, “that’s interesting,” and “that’s one way to see it.” This will tire your opponent. Then say, “I value your perspective, now I’ll share mine. I agree that we don’t agree. Will you?”

 

  1. Orchestrate a Perfect Apology: You made an insensitive verbal gaffe and you want to apologize.   ///   Smart Tactic: Don’t say “I’m sorry.” It is a bad apology. Take full responsibility and use this 3-step apology to win the mercy you want: Step 1) Embellish the wrong as in “I made a big mistake when I criticized you in public” Step 2) Add the “because” clause, as in, “I’m sorry because…. I embarrassed you.” Step 3) Offer a plan of prevention, as in, “In the future, I will……. keep my mouth shut unless you say I can tell people about your job loss.”

 

 

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Mondays Only)

 

 

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

For some of us, modern technology is just another frustration we have to deal with and work to figure out – but for others, technology is not only a benefit – but a blessing.  For the past few years, both academic study and evidence has pointed to how useful digital and mobile technology can be used to help those with autism. Now Samsung has created an educational game app designed to help kids with autism make eye contact. The company worked in partnership with several organizations to develop the app aimed at teaching autistic children to better read a person’s mood, remember faces and take photos of themselves exhibiting a range of emotions and different poses. It includes seven interactive missions featuring a point system and various rewards, sound and visual effects to keep players motivated. http://ow.ly/H28ob

 

Something as small as getting your groceries free can have a huge impact on a family’s life. One young man, with the help of a company named GungHo, was given the chance to find out just how much the impact would be. He and two young helpers went through a grocery store picking out random people and, when those people came through the checkout line, they were informed that their groceries had already been paid for. The looks of surprise and joy are priceless. http://bit.ly/1C09o7T

 

A recently social experiment had some unexpected results. In the experiment a man walking across the University of Arizona campus acts like he accidentally drops 20-dollar bills in front of 10 random people. And he says the results shocked him. Every one of the 10 people returned the $20 rather than keeping it.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xUQ7D1F3EyE#t=92

 

 

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Congress is so strange. Someone gets up to speak, talks for a long time, but says nothing. Nobody listens, and then everybody disagrees.

 

If I could get all the people in my life who have ever done mean things to me in one room, I wouldn’t go in there because, man, those are some mean people! –LeMel Hebert-Williams

 

 

THE WAY WE WORK

(Updated as it comes available. The Way WE Work is written by Mark Elfstrand from 1160Hope.com in Chicago.)

Working at Misery

While I am not a big fan of catch phrases, I will now use one. I had an “aha moment” of my true career interest in 1991. After three years in Dallas, Texas, working at two radio stations, my life had come to a point of satisfaction in a “ministry driven” job. And then it became “life interrupted.”
A few years earlier, I had been doing marketing work in Sacramento, California. One of my projects was writing brochure copy for a new trade show concept. The event became successful, and the company was developing similar ones in New York and Texas.
The owner of the trade show company called to tell me of this success. Then he invited my wife and I to join him for a nice weekend in Austin, Texas, at the Four Seasons Hotel. We gladly accepted.
My friend Gary knew of my background and interest in business and marketing. Over dinner, he asked what it would take for me to move from Dallas back to Sacramento to “head up operations” for his trade show business. Boom. Quite the unexpected.
In short, I gave him my parameters. He later called and offered me the job. We accepted. I left my ministry related work to go back to making money. And hopefully, lots of it for all parties concerned.
About a year later, I was at work and glanced at my watch. I gave a personal sigh and thought, “Good. About an hour and I can head home.” And that’s when it hit me. Working in radio, I rarely felt like I was looking forward to ending my day! Sure you get tired. But it was work I enjoyed and with which I connected. Especially…being on air.
Two months later, I was contacted about an on air job in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. In an awkward but important decision, I shared with my employer how I felt “called” back into radio. While painful to him, he released me from my obligation and sent me on my way.
The bottom line to my story is that since then, I have avoided any significant management role. My satisfaction has been met not by moving up any corporate ladder, but by seeking excellence in the work I enjoy most: being on air. Fortunately, that opportunity is still available to me.
This came to mind recently in reading an article by Arthur Brooks. And it serves as a good follow up to my blog of last week on Labor Day. Brooks is the president of the American Enterprise Institute and an opinion writer for our company, Salem Media Group.
Brooks’ piece, “Rising to Your Level of Misery at Work,” was recently published in the New York Times.
He reasons that in this age, people are not necessarily rising to their level of incompetence (The Peter Principle) but more commonly to a level of misery. They have accepted promotions that drive them from what they love doing to what they come to disdain. It’s about increasing pay, prestige, and responsibility.
Asks Brooks, “Why don’t people stop rising when they are happy? Because we are built to think that more is better — more power, authority, money, and responsibility. So we incorrectly infer that promotions will equal greater satisfaction. In an economy that has left so many people behind in recent years, this might seem like a nice problem to have. But it is a problem nonetheless, as recent research clearly demonstrates.”
Some of that research shows that while poverty creates one kind of stress, wealth creates another. A performance stress, if you will. These workers live under undesirable pressure.
Apparently, alcohol use increases with pay! Of those making over $75,000 per year, 81 per cent consume alcohol — much higher than those making less. It’s probably also why yoga or meditation has become more popular. You know, for stress — medicate or meditate … or both.
The reason I found Brooks’ piece to be a good follow up to my blog of last week is based on a single word: service. A 2014 article in the Journal of Positive Psychology revealed lawyers in public service roles were happier and more satisfied in their work than those driven by high incomes.
And the clincher? As Brooks notes, “Through this added layer of intentionality, almost any work can be understood as a genuine service job. The type of work is actually less important than the attitude of the worker.”
Jesus taught it this way: “Whoever wants to be great must become a servant.” (Mark 10:43 MSG)
What a concept!
That’s The Way WE Work.

 

 

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

 

SEPTEMBER 09, 2015…

 

Time Out Of Mind (opening in select cities)—Richard Gere has dropped out of the social structure to the point of being homeless.  He goes through New York City, just wandering, and trying to connect with himself and reconcile with his daughter, too.  “Time Out Of Mind” is rated R. No rating.

 

SEPTEMBER 11, 2015…

 

Sleeping With Other People—This film is a romantic comedy about two people with a definite problem.  They cheat romantically on people. Jason Sudeikis is one person and Alison Brie is the other person. They discover each other and try to help each other get out of this pattern, only to find they really like being together.  The cast includes Natasha Lyonne and Amanda Peet. “Sleeping With Other People” is rated R. No rating.

 

The Perfect Guy—You look for the perfect guy and after dating a few, here he comes. At last. Sanaa Lathan falls for Michael Ealy, but just who is he, anyway? Also in the cast is Morris Chestnut. “The Perfect Guy” Is rated R. No rating.

 

The Visit—What a premise for a horror film. It is about two children (Ed Oxenbould and Olivia DeJonge) who visit their grandparents for five days. Strange things happen and this is how-much-grossness-can-the-audience-take. Who directs the film? M. Night Shyamalan. “The Visit” is rated R. No rating.

 

SEPTEMBER 18, 2015…

 

Black Mass has Johnny Depp transforming himself into yet another memorable character.  This time it is based on the real life of the infamous James “Whitey” Bulger.

 

Everest takes the audience on a scary trip up Everest in 1996 when a climbing group met adverse weather conditions.  Stars Jake Gyllenhaal.

 

Maze Runner: The Scorch Trials is next in the line of books to be put on the screen. Stars Dylan O’Brien an Patricia Clarkson.

 

Sicario is about an FBI agent (Emily Blunt) who fights crime along the Mexico-U.S. border.

 

Cooties stars Elijah Wood as a teacher in a school where kids are turning into zombies.

 

# # # # #

 

 

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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.