September 18, 2015: Friday ONAIRprep

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PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20150918

 

 

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

I’m so desperate for a kick-start today that I’ve replaced the water in my coffee with Red Bull. I fully expect within the next half-hour to end up halfway through yesterday.

 

A friend of mine passed on a little bit of wisdom to me the other day, and after following his advice, I’m so convinced of the benefit of that advice that I want to pass it on to you. It is definitely working for me. I have found inner peace. You see, the way to achieve inner peace is to finish things that you start. Today I finished two bags of potato chips, a chocolate pie, a 2-liter of Pepsi, and a box of chocolate candy. I feel better already.

 

Hi and welcome to (THE JOCK SHOW)!  I’m (JOCK), which is nice considering if I was anyone else I’d have to change the name of the show.

 

 

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven: A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck what is planted.”  –Ecclesiastes 3:1, 2

 

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea. –Psalm 46:1-2

 

 

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

Make the most of every opportunity. Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone. — Colossians 4:5-6

 

Thought: There are no random acts of kindness, only intentional acts given the opportunity to happen. We have thought about kindnesses we can do. We have committed ourselves to acting in ways that are kind and beneficial. We have prayed for an opportunity to be kind. Then the opportunity presents itself and bingo! We act with kindness. Nothing random about that! This is true not just in deeds, but in words as well. More than trying to avoid poor speech, we are urged to use our speech to bless and help others to come to know Christ.

 

Prayer: Father, please forgive me for the careless words I have uttered this week. I understand that these careless words are twice sins — a sin once when I committed it and a sin a second time because I didn’t see the opportunity to be redemptive and helpful with my speech. Open my eyes Lord so that I may see those people you have placed in my path to bless. Through the blessed name of Jesus I pray. Amen.

 

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware.

 

 

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

Acts 9:18 NIV = Immediately, something like scales fell from Saul’s eyes, and he could see again. He got up and was baptized,

 

 

TODAY IS FRIDAY – SEPTEMBER 18, 2015

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 98 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.  

 

This is BALANCE AWARENESS WEEK.  ***MARLAR: If you find yourself trying to walk and landing on the floor constantly, you may need to increase your balance awareness.

 

Today is NATIONAL CHOCOLATE DAY.  ***MARLAR: As if you need an excuse.

 

Today is MAKE A CORNCOB ROCKET DAY.  ***MARLAR: Find a cob, break it in half, and stick two chicken feathers in the soft stuff in the middle of the broken end. Each feather should curve out away from the other. Now, throw it as high as you can.  Fun, eh?  I didn’t think so either.

 

LUNCH PROWL WEEK begins today, a week when women learn to use their lunch hours to find single men.  ***MARLAR: Men – if you want to make sure you are left alone by the ladies today, spend your time playing with corncob rockets.

 

And finally, today is NATIONAL ATTENTION DEFICIT DISORDER AWARENESS DAY, a day to recognize that… hey, look… something bright and shiny!

 

 

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Air Force Birthday

Chiropractic Founders Day

Constitution Day/Pledge Across America

Hug a Greeting Card Writer Day

National Ceiling Fan Day

National Cheeseburger Day

National HIV/AIDS and Aging Awareness Day

National Respect Day

World Water Monitoring Day

Clean Up The World Weekend

National POW/MIA Recognition Day

National Trademen Day

 

 

COMING UP NEXT

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 19

Clean Up The World Weekend

AKC Responsible Dog Ownership Day

Big Whopper Liar Day

Boys’ and Girls’ Club Day for Kids

Fall Astronomy Day

International Eat An Apple Day

International Coastal Clean up Day

National Gymnastics Day

National Seatcheck Saturday 2015

Talk Like a Pirate Day

 

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 20

Clean Up The World Weekend

Puppy Mill Awareness Day

Nickelodeon’s Worldwide Day of Play

Wife Appreciation Day

 

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 21

International Day of Peace

Respect For The Aged Day

World Alzheimer’s Day

 

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 22

American Business Women’s Day

Car Free Day

Chainmail Day

Dear Diary Day

Elephant Appreciation Day

Hobbit Day

Ice Cream Cone Day

International Day of Radiant Peace

National Centenarian’s Day

National Rock n’ Roll Dog Day

National Voter Registration Day

National White Chocolate Day

National Woman Road Warrior Day

Yom Kippur

 

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 23

Checkers Day (Dogs in Politics Day)

Mabon

Fall (Autumn) Equinox (4:21am)

National Rehabilitation Day

Restless Legs Awareness Day

 

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 24

Innergize Day

National Ag Day

Punctuation Day

Schwenkfelder Thanksgiving

 

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 25

Bright Pink Lipstick Day

Math Story Telling Day

National One-Hit Wonder Day

National Psychotherapy Day

Vegan Baking Day

Ataxia Awareness Day

World Pharmacists Day

Hug a Vegetarian Day

Love Note Day

Save The Koala Day

 

 

ON THIS DAY

1759: French Quebec surrendered to the British after the Sept. 13 battle on the Plains of Abraham, the last battle of the French and Indian Wars. French general Montcalm and British general Wolfe died in the fray.

 

1810: Chile declared its independence from Spain.

 

1850: Congress passed the Fugitive Slave Act, which required the return of escaped slaves to their owners.

 

1851: The first edition of The New York Daily Times, which later became The New York Times, was published.

 

1947: The National Security Act, which unified the Army, Navy, and Air Force, was passed.

 

1961: Secretary-General of the UN Dag Hammarskjold was killed in a plane crash in Northern Rhodesia (Zambia).

 

1970: 27-year-old rock star, Jimi Hendrix, died in London.

 

1999: Sammy Sosa became the first player in major league baseball history to hit 60 homers in two seasons.

 

 

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1884: People pack out the Brooklyn Tabernacle for the funeral of Jerry McAuley, founder of New York’s Water Street Mission and a pioneer among American rescue missions.

 

 

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actress (Madagascar, Matrix Revolutions, “Hawthorn”) Jada Pinkett Smith 44
  • cyclist Lance Armstrong 44
  • singer/actress (“Love Inc.”, “Hanging With Mr. Cooper”, “21 Jump Street”) Holly Robinson Peete 51 (
    )
  • actor (“Back to You”, WALL-E, For Your Consideration, “Fernwood 2 Night”) Fred Willard 76
  • actor (“Baretta”) Robert Blake 82 (
    )

 

 

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1587 : Francesca Caccini

1929 : Teddi King

1933 : Jimmie Rodgers

1940 : Frankie Avalon

1946 : Alan King (Ace)

1949 : Kerry Livgren (Kansas)

1950 : Michael Hossack (The Doobie Brothers)

1952 : Dee Dee Ramone [Ramones]; Born Douglas Glenn Colvin

1962 : Joanne Catherall (The Human League)

1966 : Ian Spice (Breathe)

1967 : Ricky Bell (Bell Biv Devoe)

 

 

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Can plants commit suicide?

Turns out… yes!  Well, sort of.  When provoked beyond their endurance, plants are quite capable of committing suicide, says a new study. The findings were discovered by cell biologists and biochemists at Vienna University in Austria. The researchers found that when plant life is threatened by either animals or infection, they deliberately sacrifice parts of themselves. “It’s often a wrong assumption that immense heat or ozone kills a plant,” explains study leader Andeas Bachmair. “Most of the time, plants create a special program themselves to save what can be saved. Despite the voluntary death of certain parts, it remains alive in its core.” A variety of vegetation have developed defense mechanisms since they’ can’t run away from an enemy. Their tactics including killing off only the infected section, or appearing to be diseased to discourage foraging animals. “Instead of relocation, they do without certain parts when there is a problem,” Bachmair says. (Sun)

 

 

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE! Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

 

Jamie Grace was being open and honest in her latest Jamie Grace show video. As part of the video she shared about the struggles caused by Tourette’s and a mouth piece that is helping reduce symptoms. Jamie said that, thanks to the new technology, she has gone from over 100 tics to less than 10 tics in three minutes. Watch the entire video here: https://t.co/OVPSiPlwcd

 

Jamie Grace says even she questions God from time to time. She shared: Sometimes I’m like ummm “Jesus… Where is my husband?” And He’s like, “shh. I got this.” (Aka I go read Jeremiah 29:11 and hush…)

 

Congratulations to Tobymac. According to a report in New Release Today, he was just given the Rich Mullins Impact Award.

 

The Newsboys are now with a new music company. It was announced that their future music will be promoted by a music organization called FairTrade Services and you won’t have to wait long for their next project. The members of the Newsboys say they are currently in the studio working on their next album. It’s slated for release in March of 2016. http://t.co/Tl3KNPmTH2

 

Jason Gray says he and Big Daddy Weave had so much fun touring together in the spring that they decided to do it again this fall. Beginning this weekend Jason Gray, Big Daddy Weave, and Citizenway will travel the country as part of the My Story Tour. The tour will run through late November and will cover much of the eastern half of the United States, from Texas and Missouri to Florida and Massachusetts.

 

Tiffany Lee has a deadline. The artist who goes by the name Plumb joined her family in moving into their newly renovated home this past weekend but she says there are still a lot of little things that need done. Plumb said they are still organizing and cleaning out all of the tools and drywall dust and finishing small details. Tiffany says her niece has her baptism scheduled in their pond in six weeks so that’s her deadline to have everything put in its place and cleaned and decorated… However she starts the exhale tour today (Friday) so time is of the essence. Plumb said: any time management tips are welcome!

 

 

WEIRD & WACKY

Marlins surprise Christian Yelich with lookalike from ‘SNL’    photo
NEW YORK (AP) — The newcomer in a Miami Marlins uniform sure looked a lot like Christian Yelich — except in the batting cage. Even though they are more than 20 games under .500 as the season winds down, the Marlins had some fun Tuesday evening at Citi Field. They surprised their Gold…

 

Man thinks he and son poisoned by meth in hotel coffee maker
KEARNEY, Neb. (AP) — A Nebraska man believes he and his 2-year-old son were poisoned by a methamphetamine-tainted coffee maker at an Omaha hotel. Travis and Amber Richard and their children spent Labor Day weekend in Omaha. He says he used the coffee maker and coffee package in their room on…
Burglary suspects make poor getaway: police station
ROSWELL, Ga. (AP) — Authorities say two suspects in a drug store burglary chose one of the worst possible places to make their getaway: the police station. Police say the men ran from the business, ending up at the back gate of the Roswell police station. Roswell police say an officer on…
Stolen Red Sox World Series ring found during drug raid
QUINCY, Mass. (AP) — Police conducting a raid at a suspected drug dealer’s home south of Boston made an unusual discovery — a stolen 2004 Red Sox World Series ring. Quincy police had been watching the home for several months, and on Tuesday they executed a search warrant after…
Man who couldn’t mesh with 5 lawyers faces skeptical judges
AUGUSTA, Maine (AP) — The lawyer for a man who was stripped of his right to a court-appointed attorney because he couldn’t get along with five previous lawyers faced skeptical justices on Wednesday who were concerned the defendant was simply gaming the legal system. Several supreme court…
Flying brisket whacks woman amid beef at barbecue festival
DANVILLE, Ky. (AP) — Police say a woman was hit with a hot flying brisket when a contestant’s temper flared during a beef over a shared cooker at a central Kentucky barbecue festival. Danville police say they were called to the Kentucky State BBQ Festival after a dispute was reported between…
Suspect returns to burglary scene for lost keys, cellphone
TWIN FALLS, Idaho (AP) — A man is charged with burglary after police say he returned to a Twin Falls, Idaho, home for his forgotten car keys and cellphone. The Times-News reports (http://bit.ly/1W0jIri) a woman called police when she found her home ransacked on Saturday, with a stranger’s…
New York grilled-cheese truck wins top street food award
NEW YORK (AP) — A New York grilled-cheese food truck whose proceeds go to help formerly incarcerated youths has won the top Vendy award for best street fare. The Street Vendor Project sponsors the annual event. It announced this year’s Vendy Cup winner is Snowday, a truck specializing in…
Cars in Reno, Nevada, damaged by watermelons
RENO, Nev. (AP) — Police say vandals have been lobbing watermelons at cars in a Reno, Nevada, neighborhood. KOLO-TV reports (http://bit.ly/1Kl0Y21) Sunday night’s vandalism happened in Angelique Ybarra’s northwest Reno neighborhood. A watermelon dented the side of her car in July, and she…
1 arrest after complaint of man sniffing feet in a library    photo
MIAMI (AP) — Police say they’ve arrested a man days after a complaint that someone was spotted crawling under library tables and smelling a woman’s feet at Florida International University. Miami-Dade police say 52-year-old Eddy Juan was arrested Tuesday and charged with violation of sexual…
New England experts concerned by sighting of invasive turtle    photo
BOSTON (AP) — Two odd-looking Chinese soft-shelled marsh turtles raised for food in Asia have been seen south of Boston, and there’s concern they could eventually threaten local ecosystems if they become established in New England. New England Aquarium experts said Saturday it is possible…

 

 

 

HEALTH & FITNESS

Study: Air pollution kills 3.3 million worldwide, may double    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — Air pollution is killing 3.3 million people a year worldwide, according to a new study that includes this surprise: Farming plays a large role in smog and soot deaths in industrial nations. Scientists in Germany, Cyprus, Saudi Arabia and Harvard University calculated the…

 

Capitol Hill Buzz: Stewart lobbying for Sept. 11 responders    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — Comedian Jon Stewart turned serious Wednesday as he lobbied members of Congress to permanently extend a law providing medical monitoring and treatment for Sept. 11 first responders. Accompanied by several first responders, Stewart met with members of Congress and attended a…
APNewsBreak: Man claims bias over use of HIV-blocking drug    photo
BOSTON (AP) — As a gay man, the Boston attorney thought he was doing the responsible thing when he asked his doctor to prescribe Truvada, a drug hailed as a way to halt the spread of AIDS. But when he tried to get long-term care insurance, Mutual of Omaha turned him down, saying it does not…
Anti-abortion videos draw scrutiny to fetal tissue brokers    photo
CHICAGO (AP) — Covert videos released by an anti-abortion group have opened a window on a largely unknown corner of science: the middlemen who supply researchers with human fetal cells from elective abortions. For decades, these typically small companies or nonprofits have been quietly…
Australia to penalize parents who don’t vaccinate children
CANBERRA, Australia (AP) — The Australian government said on Wednesday that it will pass a law that would withhold child care and other payments from families that fail to immunize their children. The “No Jab, No Pay Bill” introduced to Parliament would also remove a category of…
Indian hospitals warned not to turn away dengue patients    photo
NEW DELHI (AP) — As India’s capital struggles with its worst outbreak of dengue fever in five years, officials threatened Wednesday to cancel private hospitals’ licenses if they turn away patients. More than 11 people have died from the mosquito-borne disease in New Delhi this year and about…
Report: $235M saved by year ban on Planned Parenthood funds
WASHINGTON (AP) — A Republican bill that would halt federal payments to Planned Parenthood for a year could reduce health care access for about 390,000 people while saving taxpayers about $235 million, Congress’ official authority on the budget said Wednesday. The estimate by the nonpartisan…
Panel backs aspirin for heart health in only certain adults
WASHINGTON (AP) — A government task force says a daily low-dose aspirin could help certain people in their 50s and 60s prevent a first heart attack or stroke — and they might get some protection against colon cancer at the same time. The U.S. Preventive Services Task Force issued draft…
New Ebola death reported in northern Sierra Leone
FREETOWN, Sierra Leone (AP) — Sierra Leone on Monday announced a new Ebola death in a northern district that had gone nearly six months without reporting any infections. The announcement marked another setback in ending Ebola transmission in Sierra Leone, which has totaled nearly 4,000 Ebola…
NFL’s safety campaign includes rule changes and PR effort    photo
NEW YORK (AP) — Jim Gossett has been paid to watch football games for more than 30 years: for three decades as an athletic trainer at Columbia University and four seasons as an injury spotter for the NFL. But this season, stationed high above the field at MetLife Stadium, Gossett is able to…
House chairman subpoenas uncut Planned Parenthood videos
WASHINGTON (AP) — A House committee chairman issued a subpoena Tuesday for an anti-abortion group’s unedited videos about Planned Parenthood’s provision of fetal tissue for research. The subpoena by Rep. Jason Chaffetz, R-Utah, who heads the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee,…

 

 

 

NEWS KICKERS

(None on the weekends)

 

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

A video posted to YouTube shows a flock of birds swarming, and seemingly forming the face of Russian President Vladimir Putin. The clip was posted by a New York woman who recorded it while crossing the Williamsburg Bridge in Brooklyn.  ***Proving once and for all what we all have suspected: birds are filthy communists.  http://ow.ly/R5Iar

 

The Spanish city of Tarragona plans to use DNA analysis of dog droppings to track down owners who fail to clear up their pet’s mess. The city will work with a local university to create a DNA database of registered dogs that could be used to identify its owner.  *** We can only assume this means they have successfully solved all of the open rape and murder cases where DNA analysis might’ve been used and the technicians are now just desperate for something to do.

 

A barber in Dubuque, Iowa, came up with unique way of charging children for haircuts — he asked for stories instead of money. Barber Courtney Homes would tell kids, “Go to the table and get a book you might like, and if you can’t read it, I’ll help you understand and we can read it together.”  *** Obviously I’m no longer a kid – but I’m going bring in Dr. Seuss’ “Green Eggs and Ham” for my next trim – just in case.

 

Koko the beloved 44-year-old western lowland gorilla, has been called the “world’s most intelligent gorilla.” Koko uses over 1,000 signs from American Sign Language to communicate, and has gained an understanding of spoken English. Now, a new study is suggesting that Koko may be closer to verbal communication than previously thought. Published in the journal “Animal Cognition,” the research finds that gorillas may be capable of complex vocal behavior that defies previous beliefs about their communicative abilities.  *** Also, Koko prefers the name “Caesar” and is best friends with Andy Serkis.

 

Police say dogs trying to get at a box of cupcakes left on top of a stove apparently started a small fire in a Pennsylvania home. The fire was ruled accidental and nobody was hurt.  *** I would make the obligatory “hot dogs” joke here, but I don’t need to stoke the fire.

 

 

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

In a British survey of male soccer fans, 40% of men would rather watch soccer on a weekend afternoon than have sex.  ***MARLAR: You have to admit though, those soccer players do have great legs.

 

A recent poll reveals that more than 80 percent of Americans favor major changes in the way elections are conducted.  ***MARLAR: Change number one – better candidates.

 

The Illinois office supply company Paper Mate says 100 percent of respondents in a recent national survey admitted to stealing pens from coworkers. The survey found 78 percent of those polled admitted to stealing pens by accident while 22 percent admitted to taking pens on purpose.  ***MARLAR: And you don’t really have to worry about getting into trouble; the boss can’t write you up stealing his pen because… you just stole his pen.

 

A recent study says that while duct tape may be the solution for a lot of things, its ability to cure warts may have been overstated.  A study among older adults has found duct tape helped only 21 percent of the time and was no more effective than moleskin, a cotton-tape bandage used to protect the skin.  But researchers used transparent duct tape. Only later did they learn that the transparent variety does not contain rubber, unlike the better-known, gray duct tape that appeared to be effective in a 2002 study.  The tape supposedly works by irritating the skin and stimulating the body’s immune system to attack the virus that causes warts.  Experts say warts usually clear up on their own in about two years.  The study appears in Archives of Dermatology.  ***MARLAR: So what’s worse… two years with a wart on your nose, or 2 years of duct tape on your nose?

 

 

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Australia Up-n-Over”

 

 

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… David Dean, “Mall Parking”

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD FRIDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, in order to find the ultimate picnic spot for the ultimate picnic, all of the jungle animals went out together to look. Picnic spot after picnic spot have been found – each one even nicer than the next, but it seems that no matter what they find, Gruffy Bear is just never satisfied with it!

 

CLOSE: Well it’s about time… I would’ve rebelled three picnic spots ago! But what’s going to happen to Gruffy? And what’s going to happen to the perfect picnic? Find out next time – As the Jungle Turns!

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF SEPTEMBER 19/20, 2015
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, all of the jungle animals were on the lookout for the perfect picnic spot so they could have the perfect picnic. They’ve already passed some great places, and everyone wanted to stop and have their picnic… but Gruffy still isn’t satisfied, and is insisting they move on!

 

CLOSE: Is he kidding?!?! There can’t possibly be a better spot than that – and everyone is hungry and tired! What more does Gruffy want? Find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

 

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of As the Jungle Turns in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us.

 

 

MOMENT OF DUH

If the judge suspends your driver’s license… it means IMMEDIATELY.

An East Tennessee man whose driver’s license was suspended, was charged with driving on a suspended license – on the same day. The Greeneville Sun reported a Greene County Sheriff’s officer stopped 27-year-old Billy Ray Mathes late Wednesday night. On a note attached to the arrest warrant, Lt. Wesley Holt stated he charged Mathes, who lives in Mosheim, with driving on a suspended license because he knew a judge had suspended Mathes’ driving privileges that day. Mathes had been stopped on Sept. 4 for a registration violation and was driving the same car, with the same license plate, when Holt spotted him Wednesday night. He’s due in court again on Friday.

 

 

TOP TEN

TOP TEN THINGS YOU LEARNED IN “DICTATORSHIP FOR BEGINNERS – 101”

 

  1. Make sure you position your country far enough away it takes 3 weeks to row to the nearest country.

 

  1. If you capture your enemy, kill them right away. Don’t tell them a plan, don’t keep keep them in a dungeon, don’t devise a weird way to kill them slowly, just kill them

 

  1. The proper way to give speeches from a balcony without getting shot.

 

  1. A common mistake made by rookie dictators is asking if anyone “has any suggestions for the good of the order.”

 

  1. You need some interesting facial hair to succeed.

 

  1. Pink uniforms are not an option.

 

  1. You really should make a few trips to Costco before the trade embargos kick in.

 

  1. How to duck without looking cowardly.

 

  1. All election ballots will have only one chad.

 

  1. Make sure the password to disable your thermonuclear warheads is something totally obscure, not the name of your daughter spelled backwards.

 

 

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

It’s best not to ask people out you’ve just robbed!

 

FILE #1: In Columbus, Ohio, 20-year-old Stephfon Bennett made the insane mistake of returning to the scene of the crime — to ask one of his robbery victims out on a date! Bennett was allegedly among three men who robbed a couple in their home. The woman recognized Bennett as one of the robbers when he returned to ask her out and had a relative call 911. He was arrested in front of the victim’s home.

 

FILE #2: Police in Tampa are looking for a group of three robbers who wore some pretty exotic disguises when they held up three pawnshops in the last three weeks. One of the men donned surgical scubs with surgeon’s mask but one wore a child’s safety seat on his head and another wore a beautician’s hair-washing sink! One of the robbers did point a gun at employees and ordered them to empty cash boxes and jewelry cabinets while customers were forced onto the floor. Then the employees were pushed into another part of the store so the robbers could make off with “high dollar items.” All three left the store in a stolen vehicle that was found several blocks away. Police spokesperson Andrea Davis summed up what most of us are probably thinking. She said, “The first thing you think is ‘That’s funny.’ But in reality, this is a violent crime, and there’s nothing funny about it to the victims.”

 

FILE #3: In Lancaster, Pennsylvania, 39-year-old Anthony Miller really couldn’t stand his wife. He desperately wanted to leave her but she kept threatening to hurt herself if he did. That’s when he decided the only way out was to go to jail. So he robbed a bank by approaching tellers with a BB gun. He then asked for money and told them to call the police. He even asked for updates on their efforts to reach authorities as he waited patiently. He got his wish and was just sentenced to three to six years in prison. But here’s the interesting part. The robbery happened back in 2007. It’s taken this long for the case to go to trial and sentencing and ironically, Miller and his wife did indeed divorce last year.

 

STRANGE LAW: In London, Hackney taxis must carry a bale of hay and a sack of oats.

 

 

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

A woman is so desperate for beer that she steals it from a grocery store – using a very unusual method!

…The grocery store camera caught the woman putting a 24-can case of beer between her thighs, pulling her dress back down and shuffling out of the store. But it took a while to identify and find her.  The woman didn’t deny anything when she was arrested, said Capt. David McDavid of the Zachary Police Department. “She wanted to demonstrate it …” he said. “I told her, no thanks, I wasn’t into that… we weighed a case, it was 20 pounds.”

 

 

PHONER PHUN

What happened the first time you met the in-laws (or the parents of your significant other)? Any horror stories?

 

 

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Who said “with great wrestling’s I have wrestled against my sister..”?

ANSWER: Rachel (Gen. 30:80)

 

 

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: Astronomers once believed another planet existed between Mercury and the Sun. What was the name of that planet?

ANSWER: Vulcan (not the Star Trek one though!)

 

 

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

 

  1. Tony Romo threw a record six touchdown passes in one Super Bowl, in 1995. (False, Steve Young)

 

  1. Jerry Rice became the NFL’s all-time touchdown leader in 1994. (True)

 

  1. Diarrhea was alleviated by medicine dubbed “liquid cork” by U.S. troops in Vietnam. (True)

 

  1. Bob Dole once called nationalism “the measles of mankind”. (False, Albert Einstein)

 

  1. Bird experts recommend the birdbath to be two-and-a-half-inches deep. (True)

 

  1. The Gall Bladder is located just in front of the windpipe. (False, The Thyroid)

 

  1. The Exxon Valdez oil spill happened in 1985. (False, 1989)

 

  1. The Exxon Valdex oil spill killed an estimated 144 bald eagles. (True)

 

  1. The sense of smell is sharpened by a radial keratotomy. (False, sight)

 

  1. The more common term for herpes zoster is Shingles. (True)

 

 

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

“Couple Eats Same __________ Meal Every Day For 17 Years!” (MCDONALD’S)

In Sussex, England, Lee and Mary Humphrey, both 84, have eaten the exact same meal at their local McDonald’s every day for the last 17 years. The couple always arrives at 11am, sits at the same table and both order two hamburgers with one order of fries to split between them. At current prices, the couple would have spent about $40,000 over the years and consumes 33 grams of fat and 860 calories each time they dine.

 

 

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY

JOKE #1

It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom: “Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin plowing.”

Twenty minutes later there was another announcement:  “Will the nine hundred students who went to move fourteen cars please return to class.”

 

JOKE #2

The two teenagers were arrested . The arresting officer told them they were entitled to a phone call.

Some time later, a man entered the station and the sergeant said, “I suppose you’re the kids’ lawyer.”

“Nope,” the chap replied. “I’m just here to deliver them a pizza.”

 

JOKE #3

A pastor is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.

After watching the boys efforts for some time, the pastor moves closer to the boy’s position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child’s shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.

Crouching down to the child’s level, the pastor smiles benevolently and asks, “And now what, my little man?”

To which the boy replies, “Now we run!”

 

 

USELESS FACTS

A trial court judge in the Philippines was recently dismissed from duty for his beliefs, and he’s publicly saying that he disagrees with being let go. So what does the judge believe? That he could see into the future, and that three mystic dwarfs – Armand, Luis, and Angel – advised him. When the country’s Supreme Court heard of the judge’s methods, they conducted a three-year investigation, then fined him and fired him. ***MARLAR: Sounds like one of his mystic dwarves could’ve been named Dopey.

 

A University of Delaware student is suing the school for suspending him because he was caught cheating on a corporate ethics test.  ***MARLAR: But he argues that he should get an “A” for cheating because corporations have no ethics.

 

 

FEATURED FUNNIES

BEHAVIORAL MODIFICATION

An elementary school teacher, well versed in educational jargon, asked for a small allotment of money for “behavior modification reinforcers.”
The principal saw the item and asked, “What in heaven’s name is that?”
“Lollipops,” the teacher explained.

 

 

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

NOW THAT’S LIVING!

A retired woman in Britain had decided that, instead of spending the remainder of her days in a retirement home, she’s going to spend it as a passenger on a luxury cruise ship! Why? Because, according to her, it costs the same as a retirement home! Beatrice Muller, now 82 years old, only pays 55-percent of her cabin’s full price because of her loyalty bonuses from five previous world cruises. She pays about $4,800 per month for her cabin… but it’d cost just about that much to stay in a retirement home… so which would you choose? While her peers are stuck in Britain’s muggy weather, Beatrice travels the high seas, stopping at sunny destinations, playing bridge and dancing with handsome stewards. “This is where I live and I love it,” she says. “I don’t have to do any shopping, I don’t need to do any shopping, I don’t need a car and there aren’t any gas or phone bills. I would have to pay around the same to stay in an old people’s home and it wouldn’t nearly be as much fun as here.”

 

 

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

GOD DIDN’T USE DUCT TAPE (And many other reasons why God is a much better creator than I am.)

— By Tim Bete

God created the world before Home Depot existed. That’s a theological concept I can’t comprehend. I take at least five trips to Home Depot during every project. The first trip is to buy materials, the second to return what I purchased and get the correct items, the third is to ask questions, the fourth because I forgot the answers and the fifth to ask if I can pay someone to do the project for me.

Obviously, God is a better creator than I am. God created the entire universe. I can barely assemble a gas grill. Frankly, I have never completed a project and said, “It is good.”

There are thousands of ways my ability to create pales in comparison to God’s. For instance, during the creation of the world, God separated the light from the darkness. I’ve separated an egg and my children when they fight, but that’s about it. God called the light Day, and the darkness He called Night. I called my neighbor to borrow a metric wrench to assemble the grill. God created “swarms of living creatures.” I paid an exterminator $189 to get them out of my basement.

If I had created the world, my first words would have been, “Let there be duct tape to keep the stars from falling out of the sky and the leaves on the trees.” Not God. His project was free of artificial adhesives. In my book, that’s more miraculous than creating man from dust. God didn’t even use a coat hanger–the universal household tool. Amazing!

I have discovered two ways that I resemble the Creator. First, it takes me the same amount of time to assemble a gas grill that it took God to create the world: six days. Second, God rested on the seventh day. My wife says when it comes to napping, not even God is better than me.

 

 

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

ON CREAKY KNEES

Read: Psalm 116

Because He has inclined His ear to me, therefore I will call upon Him as long as I live. –Psalm 116:2

Meet Margaret the battler. More than 90 years of memories and faith are her legacy, but she’s not ready to surrender. Her life is full of the physical pain that often accompanies old age, and even though she’s too weak to walk anymore, Margaret is not done with her ministry.

Despite her increasing feebleness, and despite her near deafness and inability to move around, Margaret has a ministry that reaches far beyond the walls of the nursing home where she lives. Every day–often for hours at a time–she sits in her chair with a stack of prayer cards and prays diligently for missionaries. And sometimes, when she can push her frail body to do so, she kneels beside her bed on creaky knees to talk with God.

Margaret doesn’t have much more than prayer to offer her Lord. She is the essence of the answer to the question in Psalm 116:12, “What shall I render to the Lord for all His benefits toward me?” Verse 13 answers, “I will . . . call upon the name of the Lord.”

A lifetime of being sustained by God’s love, grace, and mercy is just about over for Margaret. In the face of mounting physical weakness, she is staying spiritually strong to the end. O to have her courage and dedication–at any age!

(From Campus Journal)

 

 

LEFTOVERS

HAVE A COKE AND A LAWSUIT

A bottle of Coca-Cola is the source of dissension between two neighbors… as well as a lawsuit.

Two women from Maryland are fighting over whom is the legal owner of a $10,000 prize found hidden under a Coca-Cola can-cap. Michelle Mercado says Laurie Mott offered the can of Coke during a visit to Mott’s home. When Mercado popped the top off the Coke can, it was a winner of a $10,000 prize in contest sponsored by Coca-Cola. Mott took the can and claimed the prize, since she bought the drink. Mercado argues that she was given the beverage, so it should be hers. ***MARLAR:  So much for that “I’d like to buy the world a Coke and live in perfect harmony” stuff.

 

 

LIFE… LIVE IT

PROOF MIDDLE AGE IS DEPRESSING

A survey by Britain’s Warwick University of people in 80 countries confirmed what we long suspected: middle age is depressing.

A researcher said it’s remarkably common throughout the world that people follow a U-shaped graph of happiness: It starts high when you’re young…drops to the lowest point in your 40s, when people are most likely to get depressed…then rises until in your 70s, you’re as happy as a 20-year-old again. He said this happens to men and women, marrieds and singles, parents and the childless, and nobody knows why. There were only eight developing nations where reaching 40 didn’t depress people. ***MARLAR: I can totally understand. When I turned forty I began losing my hair (and finding it in my ears), I’m near-sighted and far-sighted, I’m dealing with psoriasis on my cheeks (both sets), I’ve got high cholesterol, high blood pressure, acid reflux, hemorrhoids, irritable bowel syndrome… I’ve got a toenail that looks like a Frito… and my friends wonder why I’m DEPRESSED?

 

 

JUST FOR FUN

GIVING NEW MEANING TO THE TERM “EYE CANDY”

Want to see your food more clearly when you eat?  Now you can, with chopstick-eyeglasses!

A German company has invented a pair of glasses that come apart to double as chopsticks.  (A GERMAN company?!?!)  The ‘sushi specs’ have detachable arms that can be used to eat traditional Japanese food.  Those who aren’t adept at using chopsticks can have forks attached as an alternative.  Ralph Anderl designed the glasses and said he came up with the idea after noticing that eating on the go has become increasingly popular.  Unfortunately once the arms have been removed the glasses cannot be worn until the chopsticks have been reattached. ***MARLAR: Gee, honey, you sure smell good today.  What is that scent behind your ears – essence of Sweet & Sour Pork?

 

 

FUN LIST

USED CARS CLASSIFIED TRANSLATIONS

  • MUST SELL… before it blows up.
  • RUNS FINE… I was going to say “runs excellent” but I had a last minute attack of conscience.
  • WELL-MAINTAINED… I changed the oil occasionally.
  • LOOKS LIKE NEW… just don’t try to drive it anywhere.
  • ALL ORIGINAL… I never had anything fixed, adjusted, or replaced.
  • NEEDS SOME BODY WORK… was side-swiped by a Winnebago.
  • LOADED WITH OPTIONS… each one more troublesome than the next.
  • NEVER SMOKED IN… unfortunately, that’s the best thing I can say about it.
  • PROJECT CAR… doesn’t run.
  • LOTS OF POTENTIAL… doesn’t run.
  • NEEDS MINOR REPAIR… doesn’t run.

 

 

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

How did you lose YOUR cell phone?


British insurance agencies have put together a list of the top ten excuses they have been given for their clients losing their mobile phones:

10) Phone ‘drowned’ during fishing incident

9) Pranks where owner is thrown into water

8) Sailing accidents

7) Dropped down drain

6) Run over after falling on to the road

5) Building site accidents

4) Dropped down toilet

3) Dropped on hard surface

2) Left on car roof then driving off

1) Leaving the phone on public transportation

 

 

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Mondays Only)

 

 

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

Normally a face off between a New York City cop and a street dancer results in violence. But in a recent video, such a faceoff resulted in cheers and some amazing dancing. Check out the video as both show off some amazing moves, leaving the crowd cheering for more.

http://faithreel.com/audience-goes-wild-when-nypd-cop-street-dancer-have-amazing-showdown/

 

A French-speaking German boat captain has partnered with a Frenchwoman to form an organization seeking to launch rescue operations for migrants and refugees in the Mediterranean. The two have also launched a crowdfunding campaign to fund SOS Méditerranée’s first rescue campaign. At a time when thousands of people are losing their lives attempting to reach European shores, the two want to buy a boat with the crowdfunded donations so they can rescue those making the dangerous journey.

http://huff.to/1QB4KFj

 

Many kids don’t eat healthfully at school and a new study suggests it’s because they don’t have enough time. According to a report in today.com, when children had a school lunch period of less than 20 minutes, they consumed less of their entrees, vegetables and milk, and they were less likely to choose a fruit to go with their meal. The findings were reported by Harvard researchers. They say: While eating less might seem to be a positive at a time when many children are battling obesity, with the new school nutrition guidelines, school meals may be one of the healthier meals kids eat all day. However, when kids don’t eat enough to satisfy them at lunchtime, they’re more likely to eat more junk food later in the day

http://www.today.com/health/does-your-child-have-time-eat-well-school-t43426

 

 

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

If it falls your lot to be a street sweeper, sweep streets like Michelangelo painted pictures, like Shakespeare wrote poetry, like Beethoven composed music; sweep streets so well that all the host of Heaven and Earth will have to pause and say, Here lived a great sweeper, who swept his job well. –Martin Luther King, Jr.

 

 

THE WAY WE WORK

(Updated as it comes available. The Way WE Work is written by Mark Elfstrand from 1160Hope.com in Chicago.)

Working at Misery

While I am not a big fan of catch phrases, I will now use one. I had an “aha moment” of my true career interest in 1991. After three years in Dallas, Texas, working at two radio stations, my life had come to a point of satisfaction in a “ministry driven” job. And then it became “life interrupted.”
A few years earlier, I had been doing marketing work in Sacramento, California. One of my projects was writing brochure copy for a new trade show concept. The event became successful, and the company was developing similar ones in New York and Texas.
The owner of the trade show company called to tell me of this success. Then he invited my wife and I to join him for a nice weekend in Austin, Texas, at the Four Seasons Hotel. We gladly accepted.
My friend Gary knew of my background and interest in business and marketing. Over dinner, he asked what it would take for me to move from Dallas back to Sacramento to “head up operations” for his trade show business. Boom. Quite the unexpected.
In short, I gave him my parameters. He later called and offered me the job. We accepted. I left my ministry related work to go back to making money. And hopefully, lots of it for all parties concerned.
About a year later, I was at work and glanced at my watch. I gave a personal sigh and thought, “Good. About an hour and I can head home.” And that’s when it hit me. Working in radio, I rarely felt like I was looking forward to ending my day! Sure you get tired. But it was work I enjoyed and with which I connected. Especially…being on air.
Two months later, I was contacted about an on air job in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. In an awkward but important decision, I shared with my employer how I felt “called” back into radio. While painful to him, he released me from my obligation and sent me on my way.
The bottom line to my story is that since then, I have avoided any significant management role. My satisfaction has been met not by moving up any corporate ladder, but by seeking excellence in the work I enjoy most: being on air. Fortunately, that opportunity is still available to me.
This came to mind recently in reading an article by Arthur Brooks. And it serves as a good follow up to my blog of last week on Labor Day. Brooks is the president of the American Enterprise Institute and an opinion writer for our company, Salem Media Group.
Brooks’ piece, “Rising to Your Level of Misery at Work,” was recently published in the New York Times.
He reasons that in this age, people are not necessarily rising to their level of incompetence (The Peter Principle) but more commonly to a level of misery. They have accepted promotions that drive them from what they love doing to what they come to disdain. It’s about increasing pay, prestige, and responsibility.
Asks Brooks, “Why don’t people stop rising when they are happy? Because we are built to think that more is better — more power, authority, money, and responsibility. So we incorrectly infer that promotions will equal greater satisfaction. In an economy that has left so many people behind in recent years, this might seem like a nice problem to have. But it is a problem nonetheless, as recent research clearly demonstrates.”
Some of that research shows that while poverty creates one kind of stress, wealth creates another. A performance stress, if you will. These workers live under undesirable pressure.
Apparently, alcohol use increases with pay! Of those making over $75,000 per year, 81 per cent consume alcohol — much higher than those making less. It’s probably also why yoga or meditation has become more popular. You know, for stress — medicate or meditate … or both.
The reason I found Brooks’ piece to be a good follow up to my blog of last week is based on a single word: service. A 2014 article in the Journal of Positive Psychology revealed lawyers in public service roles were happier and more satisfied in their work than those driven by high incomes.
And the clincher? As Brooks notes, “Through this added layer of intentionality, almost any work can be understood as a genuine service job. The type of work is actually less important than the attitude of the worker.”
Jesus taught it this way: “Whoever wants to be great must become a servant.” (Mark 10:43 MSG)
What a concept!
That’s The Way WE Work.

 

 

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

 

SEPTEMBER 18, 2015…

 

*Note: Sicario is now opening October 2.

 

Black Mass—Johnny Depp does another acting transformation and turns himself into the infamous James “Whitey” Bulger of South Boston, who was both an informant for the government and top man in the gangs. He is still in prison on two life sentences. Benedict Cumberbatch plays James’ brother, Bill, who was a university professor and lost his job because of this. Also in the cast for “Black Mass” is Joel Edgerton. “Black Mass” is rated R. Rating of 3 for fans.

 

Maze Runner: The Scorch Trials—Here comes another installment in “The Maze Runner” series and this time Thomas (Dylan O’Brien) is leading his group outside the Maze and into many, many problems. It is very hot weather now. Also in the cast are Kaya Scodelario, Ki Hong, Dexter Darden and Patricia Clarkson. “Maze Runner: The Scorch Trials” is rated PG 13. Rating of 3 for fans.

 

Everest—Based on a true incident in 1996 in which many climbers on Everest were caught in a sudden snowstorm and died in tragic conditions.  Even though you think you are prepared, the mountain still has something deadly up its sleeve. You can feel a chill just reading the title. The cast includes Jake Gyllenhaal, Jason Clarke and Josh Brolin. “Everest” is rated R. Rating of 3 for fans.

 

Cooties—This is an out-of-the-usual-horror-film area in which bad food in the cafeteria makes kids zombie-like.  So….who stars in this film? Elijah Wood and Rainn Wilson. What does it? Casserole? Mac and cheese? “Cooties” is rated PG 13. No rating.

 

Captive—Based on the true story and book, “Unlikely Angel,” Kate Mara stars as Ashley Smith, who was taken captive by an escaped murderer and managed to talk him into giving himself up. Talk about faith. The criminal is played by actor David Oyelowo. “Captive” is rated R. Rating of 2.

 

SEPTEMBER 25, 2015…

 

The Intern has Robert DeNiro and Anne Hathaway as a boss and a trainee, but who is really the boss and who is the trainee?

 

99 Homes stars Andrew Garfield as a guy who evicts people from their homes.

 

Hotel Transylvania 2 continues the comic animated story of a vampire count, whose daughter has married a human and now they have a son.

 

Mississippi Grind is about two guys who gamble big on the Mississippi. Stars Ben Mendelson and Ryan Reynolds.

 

Stonewall from director Roland Emmerich concerns a young man moving to New York in the late 1960’s and getting involved in the Stonewall Riots.

 

# # # # #

 

 

WARNING:  Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.