September 19, 2016: Monday ONAIRprep

***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS – FREE TO AIR! (Need to receive this earlier than when it’s posted? Get FTP access and receive a fully-produced version FREE with a customized tag specifically for your station or show! Contact me with your ONAIRprep username for details!)

***CREATION MOMENTS MINUTE – FREE TO AIR! (Please contact me to be made an affiliate and get FTP access!)

***LIFE LINES – FREE TO AIR! (Updates automatically weekdays at 8am.)

AND NOW… ON WITH THE SHOW!

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20160919

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

“In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, ‘Cut it out’.” –Steven Wright

I know it’s not good to be ego-driven.  So I’ve replaced that by being Eggo-driven.  I’m just as happy with myself – and it’s part of a complete breakfast.

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

The word of the Lord is right and true; he is faithful in all he does. The Lord loves righteousness and justice; the earth is full of his unfailing love.  –Psalm 33:4-5

But godliness with contentment is great gain. –1 Timothy 6:6

The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart. — 1 Samuel 16:7

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of the shadow of death a light has dawned. — Isaiah 9:2

Thought: This great promise in Isaiah was fulfilled with the coming of Jesus (see Matthew 4:15-16; Luke 1:79). As darkness falls tonight, look out at a street light and capture it in your memory so that every time you see a light shining in the darkness it will remind you to do two things: give thanks to God for sending his light and commit yourself to sharing that light with those you know.

Prayer: Loving and Eternal God, thank you for shining your light into my life through Jesus. Help my words and actions bless those around me so that the light of your grace and the salvation that Jesus brings may be seen by all I influence today and each day of my life that follows. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

Nehemiah 9:19 NIV = “Because of your great compassion you did not abandon them in the desert. By day the pillar of cloud did not cease to guide them on their path, nor the pillar of fire by night to shine on the way they were to take.

TODAY IS MONDAY – SEPTEMBER 19, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 1
02 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

NATIONAL BABY SAFETY WEEK begins today.  ***MARLAR: I’d think this would be a year-round kind of thing, but that’s just my opinion.

Today is TALK LIKE A PIRATE DAY.

This is NATIONAL CHIROPRACTIC WEEK. ***MARLAR: Which, ironically, helps you talk like a pirate. Once he cracks your bones it’s hard not to yell, “Aaaarrrrr…”

Today is MAKE A SCARECROW DAY.  ***MARLAR: Last Halloween I dressed a scarecrow up to look like me. Kids were too frightened to knock on the door.

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Respect For The Aged Day

COMING UP NEXT

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 20

Get Ready Day

National I.T. Professionals Day

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 21

International Day of Peace

National Rehabilitation Day

School Backpack Awareness Day

World Alzheimer’s Day

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 22

American Business Women’s Day

Autumn Equinox (Fall begins) 10:21am EDT

Car Free Day

Chainmail Day

Dear Diary Day

Elephant Appreciation Day

Hobbit Day

Ice Cream Cone Day

International Day of Radiant Peace

National Centenarian’s Day

National Rock n’ Roll Dog Day

National Teach Ag Day

National White Chocolate Day

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 23

Checkers Day (Dogs in Politics Day)

Innergize Day

Love Note Day

Restless Legs Awareness Day (***As a sufferer, just let me say this day is completely unnecessary. There is now way you are not aware that you have Restless Legs. They will not be ignored.)

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 24

Family Health and Fitness Day USA

Fish Amnesty Day

International Lace Day

International Rabbit Day

Kids Day (Kiwanis)

National Hunting and Fishing Day

National Familial Hypercholesterolemia Day

National Museum Day

National Public Lands Day

National Seat Check Saturday

Nickelodeon’s Worldwide Day of Play

Punctuation Day

Schwenkfelder Thanksgiving

R.E.A.D. In America Day

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 25

Bright Pink Lipstick Day

Gold Star Mother’s Day

International Day of the Deaf

Math Story Telling Day

National One-Hit Wonder Day

National Psychotherapy Day

National Research Administrators Day

Ataxia Awareness Day

World Pharmacists Day

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 26

Family Day – Be Involved. Stay Involved.

Johnny Appleseed Day

National Dumpling Day

Shamu the Whale Day

Situation Awareness Day

World Contraception Day

ON THIS DAY

1881: President James Garfield died of a gunshot wound inflicted by a disappointed office seeker the previous July 2.

1934: Bruno Hauptmann was arrested for the Lindbergh baby kidnap-murder.

1955: President Juan Peron of Argentina was deposed and exiled after a military coup.

1957: The United States conducted its first underground nuclear test in the Nevada desert.

1962: Gov. Ross Barnett blocked James Meredith from enrolling in the University of Mississippi.

1985: The Mexico City area was struck by the first of two devastating earthquakes that claimed thousands of lives. The second earthquake hit 36 hours later.

1994: U.S. troops entered Haiti to enforce the return of exiled president Jean-Bertrand Aristide.

2001: The Pentagon ordered combat aircraft to the Persian Gulf following the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

821: Theodulf, poet, scholar, secretary of education, and bishop of Orleans during Charlemagne’s reign is buried. He wrote hymns, among which his best remembered is “Gloria Laus et Honor” or “All Glory, Laud and Honor / To thee Redeemer King.

1853: Baptist missionary pioneer J. Hudson Taylor sets sail from England for China at the age of 21.

1888: Missionary Jonathan Goforth begins a tour of the North Honan region of China, where he would spend the rest of his life preaching, establishing churches, and ministering to the needy.

1955: Mission Aviation pilot Nate Saint spots the Auca villages in the Amazon jungle. The Auca massacred him and his companions on January 6, 1956.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • Actor (“Saturday Night Live”, Fever Pitch, “Late Night with Jimmy Fallon”) Jimmy Fallon, 42

  • (President Jimmy Carter’s daughter) Amy Carter 49

  • Actor (Die Hard: With a Vengeance, The Man in the Iron Mask, voice of ‘Scar’ in The Lion King) Jeremy Irons, 68

  • actor (“3rd Rock From The Sun”) John Lithgow is 71 (audio clip)

  • actor (TV’s campy “Batman”) Adam West 88 (audio clip)

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1921 : Billy Ward (The Dominoes)

1931 : Brook Benton

1934 : Brian Epstein (Beatles manager)

1940 : Paul Williams

1940 : Bill Medley (The Righteous Brothers)

1943 : Cass Elliot (The Mamas & The Papas)

1945 : Freda Payne

1945 : David Bromberg

1947 : Lol Creme (10cc)

1951 : Daniel Lanois

1952 : Nile Rodgers (Chic)

1956 : Rex Smith

1964 : Trisha Yearwood

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Where is the highest archaeological site in the world?

The highest archaeological site in the world is on the summit of Cerro Llullaillaco [SER-oh yu-yai-YAH-ko] in the Andes Mountains on the border between Chile and northwestern Argentina. At 22,110 feet (6743 meters), Llullaillaco is also the second highest volcano in the world. Llullaillaco is a desolate, forbidding peak. Capped with windblown snow, it is surrounded by a stark, ash-gray desert. At its peak a stone and gravel platform was recently discovered with a chamber dug into the rock underneath. In the chamber were the mummified remains of three children sacrificed in a long-forgotten Inca ritual, together with statues and jewelry. Another valuable find might have been at 20,112 feet atop nearby Nevado Quehuar, but tomb-raiders looted that site before archaeologists could get there, leaving little of scientific value.

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE! Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

Brandon Heath posted a picture with the text: here I am imparting some wisdom to these new artists. They will thank me someday. The attached picture showed Brandon talking with Steven Curtis Chapman and Third Day’s Mac Powell. Brandon will be on tour with the two longtime Christian musicians this fall.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BKUlijFhQQv/

Mac Powell was in the studio last week but he wasn’t working on a Third Day album or his next country project. Instead, Mac was recording a song with the Oak Ridge Boys. Mac Powell is part of the Oak Ridge Boys song Loves Me Like a Rock. Right now you can hear a clip of the song at https://twitter.com/oakridgeboys/status/776239324182507521/video/1.

Third Day is taking some time off but front man Mac Powell is still going to keep very busy. While the rest of the band spends time at home with their families, Mac will tour this fall with Craig Morgan and then with Steven Curtis Chapman and Brandon Heath. He will also be part of Tobymac’s Hits Deep tour in early 2017.

When and where was the last time you prayed? Chances are it wasn’t at your local movie theater. But if Chris Tomlin’s prayers are answered, on October 25th theaters across the nation will be packed with people praying for unity. Earlier this summer, Chris Tomlin kicked off his pursuit of unity with live events across the country intended to bring people to their knees in prayer for our nation and for Christians. Now he’s bringing his Worship Night in American to theaters across the country, but it’s for one night only, October 25.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/unity-chris-tomlin-is-praying-for-a-miracle-and-you_us_57d8c85ce4b047401d04690f

Michael w. Smith was celebrating Christmas early this year. He posted a picture as he recorded a Christmas TV special with Amy Grant in Salt Lake City last week.

Know someone whose marriage seems to be slipping away through their fingers? Family Life Today is encouraging you to listen to Plumb’s story. Christian artist Tiffany Lee, who goes by the name Plumb on stage, nearly split with her husband Jeremy earlier in their marriage. Last week they were featured on the program Family Life Today talking about how God brought them back together. Listen to the broadcast at http://bit.ly/2cLUg9M.

Congratulations on a job well done by Angie Smith, wife of Selah member Todd Smith. Todd posted a picture of the birthday cake and she had made for his big day. It was a replica of the Michigan football stadium. Todd posted: dreams can come true.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BKUgFmGguAi/

Mandisa already has her copy of Natalie Grant’s new book “Finding Your Voice”. She posted: this is going to liberate so many women. Can’t wait to read it.

Casting Crowns Megan Garrett isn’t letting circumstances get the best of her. She posted last week: Tour starts next week and my washer died. Newsflash, Satan: I can wear dirty clothes & STILL tell people about Jesus!

Casting Crowns Megan Garrett is in to day 3 on steroids and it isn’t getting any better. On day one she couldn’t sleep. Day two she couldn’t stand still. Now she says her skin is on fire. Makes you wonder if the cure is really better than the disease?

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. As on ONAIRprep subscriber, you can get a fully-produced, customized version of the Daily Dose of Weird News FREE with a station or show specific tag! Email darren@onairprep.com for details!)

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

Donald Trump says Hillary Clinton would not make a good president because she doesn’t have a “presidential look.”  ***Trump has been paying for beauty pageants waaaaay too long.

(CAREFUL!) Tadtoy says it wants to become the No. 2 social network. And with good reason. Tadtoy claims to be “the first social messaging platform designed exclusively for the bathroom.” Mitch Roth, the app’s co-founder, insists it’s all for real. The app, which is available for both iOS and Android, is designed to take advantage of your genuine leisure time. Tadtoy is short for “Taking A Dump, Thinking Of You”.  *** I can’t decide if that’s a compliment or not.

The trial for Hubert Zafke, a 95-year-old former Nazi medic at the Auschwitz concentration camp, opened last Monday after multiple delays this year over his health. Zafke was charged with 3,681 counts of accessory to murder, on the grounds that he witnessed prisoners being sent to their deaths at Auschwitz. The charges center on a month long period in 1944, involving the deaths of Jewish people who arrived in 14 train transports, including Anne Frank and her family. ***Assuming he makes it through the trial, how do you realistically punish someone who is 95-years-old/ What can you possibly threaten someone with who is likely going to die from old age later that afternoon anyway?

Your arteries may be in trouble. Walmart may soon be home to all your favorite greasy, delicious fair foods. A Plano, Texas, Walmart has announced plans to open a new in-store restaurant, State Fair Treats, that will serve classic fair food like corn dogs and funnel cakes. It will also peddle owner Isaac Rousso’s more inventive creations: funnel cake fries, deep-fried bacon hash browns and “cookie fries”.  ***I think I just found a legitimate reason to become one of these “people of Walmart” photos!  (The Plano location opens Sept. 20. More locations — both in Texas and nationwide — are forthcoming.  http://on.mash.to/2cVzsQz)

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

The more Americans engage in one of their favorite pastimes — sitting around — the shorter their average life span, a new study suggests. The effect remained even after researchers factored out obesity or the level of daily physical activity people were engaged in, according to a study of more than 120,000 American adults.  ***MARLAR: If this study is accurate, it means I died three years ago.

Medical research indicates that people who have a drink daily are more likely than teetotalers to survive a heart attack and less likely to develop heart failure.  *** Plus, when you’re drunk you barely feel that crushing pain in your chest.

Teen drivers often understand that shooting a quick text message, playing with their radio, or eating while driving is dangerous. However, the overwhelming majority of teen drivers engage in distracted driving behaviors anyway, according to a recent survey by AAA and Seventeen magazine. Almost nine in 10 teenage drivers (86 percent) have driven while distracted, even though 84 percent of teen drivers know it’s dangerous. ***MARLAR: The remaining 14-16 percent of teens who say they have not driven distracted are filthy nasty liars.

A study suggests that manatees can hear 10 times better than humans underwater.  *** So apparently they CAN hear the boat engines – but they obviously have no idea what that sound means, or don’t have sense enough to get out of the way of outboard motors.

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Petting Pets”

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Ron McGehee, “Korean-Irish”

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE


OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name) and (Station Call Letters) bring you another inspiringly inspiring inspiration story from the never-ending deep-jungle soap-opera saga that is, As the Jungle Turns!

CLOSE: So we have a new story, about having a story – but the story hasn’t begun yet because everyone wants the story to be about them. Or maybe that IS the story. Whatever… find out next time, As the Jungle Turns.

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF SEPTEMBER 24/25

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, all of the animals were excited at the possibility of having our next As the Jungle Turns story be about them. Unfortunately, everyone thinks the story should be about them, specifically. Everyone wants to be the star! And you just know that’s going to cause some problems, and suddenly…

CLOSE: It sounds like a really terrible, awful, disgusting, ugly, smelly, terrifying creature… maybe. Who left the giant footprints? Tune in next time – As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

What would you do if someone hands you a single U.S. million-dollar bill?

Police in southern Idaho are looking for someone trying to pass phony million-dollar bills. Officers in Twin Falls say the counterfeits are high quality except for one big problem: the U.S. Treasury never issued a million-dollar bill. The largest domination bill ever produced was the $100,000 gold certificate issued in the mid 1930s. But it was never released for general circulation.  ***MARLAR: Of course, this becomes an even greater Moment of Duh when you realize that they’re still LOOKING for this guy.  How hard can it be to track down someone who’s trying to pass fake million-dollar bills around?  The first time he asks for change, you should know where he is, shouldn’t you?

TOP TEN

TOP TEN FUN THINGS TO DO DURING A BORING SERMON

10. Pass a note to the organist asking whether he/she plays requests.

9. See if a yawn really is contagious.

8. Slap your neighbor. See if they turn the other cheek. If not, raise your hand and tell the preacher.

7. Twiddle your thumbs.

6. Twiddle your neighbor’s thumbs.

5. Wiggle your ears so that the people behind you will notice.

4. Using church bulletins or visitor cards for raw materials, design, test and modify a collection of paper airplanes.

3. Raise your hand and ask for permission to go to the rest room.

2. By unobtrusively drawing your arms up into your sleeves, turn your shirt around backwards.

1. Start from the back of the church and try to crawl all the way to the front, under the pews, without being noticed.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

It’s hard to rob a bank when everyone is ignoring you.

FILE #1: It wasn’t just the fact that he was using a fake explosive that a Michigan man’s robbery attempt was foiled. It was just that no one at the bank he was attempting to rob was paying attention. The would-be crook went to the drive-through window of the Comerica bank to demand money by placing a bag with a note and fake explosive in the tray. He then waited. And waited. And waited. But the teller never noticed the note or bag. Frustrated, the man simply drove away. Someone eventually discovered the wired-up substance in the bag and the Michigan State Police bomb squad were called in. They cleared the bank, only to discover after an hour of examinations that the ‘bomb’ was just a bar of soap with wires attached to it. He apparently was looking to “clean up”, but now it looks like his days as a criminal are all washed up.

FILE #2: An arthritic grandmother from Boynton Beach, Florida allegedly ran a family pickpocket ring from a wheelchair for 10 years! 63 year old Ernestine Williams took in as much as $50,000 per day as she sent out her 15-person crew to steal credit cards and checks from elderly shoppers in retail stores from Miami to Atlanta. Williams, along with her two children have been arrested and charged with racketeering and conspiracy to racketeer. Their family motto was, “A Family That Steals Together Stays Together!”

FILE #3: A western Kentucky woman’s attempt to get her son out of jail on bond came undone over a misspelling. The Paducah Sun reported court officials became suspicious when the 44-year-old mother presented a letter allegedly from Wagner Moving and Storage. The woman knew bond for her son would be lowered if he had written proof of a job.  But the company name was misspelled and when investigators checked, they learned the woman had asked for such a letter from the company and had been denied.  She was jailed on a charge of evidence tampering. Her son was charged with receiving stolen property.  They both are now in jail in lieu of cash bonds.  ***MARLAR: But now their family is together… and that’s the important thing.

STRANGE LAW: In Memphis, Tennessee restaurants, it is illegal to give any pie to fellow diners. It is also illegal to take unfinished pie home. All pie must be eaten on the premises.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

MySpace.com resulted in Jail.gov for one Bensalem, Pennsylvania teenager.

While many teenagers use the MySpace website to boast about using drugs, this kid apparently really was using them. His ‘this is your brain on drugs’ moment came when he made the brilliant decision to pose for a photo with a gun and a bag of pot and post it on the website. Among those logging on was a local detective who thought it seemed real enough to launch an investigation. The teenager has since been charged with possession.

PHONER PHUN

It’s Talk Like a Pirate Day. I’m sure you can find something to do with callers with this – you scalawag!

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Who will prophesy 1,260 days?

ANSWER: God’s two witnesses (Revelation 11:3)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: As a young man which president worked as a park ranger at Yellowstone National Park?
ANSWER: Gerald Ford

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

  • The Mississippi River is the longest in the world. (False – the Nile is the longest at 4,145 miles)

  • Nearly 50% of all bank robberies take place on Friday. (True)

  • A 7 year old boy was the first person to survive the Horseshoe Falls (Niagara Falls) by going over in a barrell. (False – he survived in just a life jacket!)

  • Studies indicate that listening to music is good for digestion. (True)

  • “Caterpillar” means “hairy worm” in Old French. (False – it means “hairy cat.”)

  • In a year, there are approximately 60,000 trampoline injuries that occur in the U.S. (True – as is evidenced by watching “America’s Funniest Home Videos!”)

  • Dr. Seuss wrote Green Eggs and Ham on a bet. (True – his editor dared him to write a book using fewer than fifty different words)

  • Napoleon was 26 years old when he conquered Italy. (True)

  • American and Russian space flights have always included chocolate as part of their rations. (True)

  • Albert Einstein was once offered the opportunity to become the President of Israel. (True. He refused, however, on the grounds that he had no skill in dealing with human problems.)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

STUDY: CLIMATE CHANGE CAUSES _______ ILLNESS (MENTAL)

Mental illnesses including depression and post-traumatic stress have increased  as a result of climate change.

According to a new study, prepared for the Climate Change Institute, loss of social cohesion in the wake of severe weather events related to climate change are linked to highly increased rates of anxiety, depression, post-traumatic stress and substance abuse.

As many as three in five people reported ”emotional injury, stress and despair” in the wake of these events.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. “No woman,” said one man, scornfully, “can keep a secret.”

“I don’t know about that,” answered a blonde woman guest. “I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one.” “You’ll let it out some day,” the man insisted.

“I hardly think so!” responded the blonde.  “When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever.”

JOKE #2

My youngest brother Tony had just completed Army basic training and was on leave prior to his first tour in Germany. I am an Army National Guard pilot and my other brother is my crew chief. Since we were headed to the Air Base where Tony was to catch his overseas transport, we offered to take him.

When we landed at McGuire Air Force Base, several of Tony’s fellow privates came out to greet him. Tony ran ahead, while my other brother and I followed with his gear. As Tony approached his buddies, he was bewildered by their dumbfounded stares.

Then he realized that his friends weren’t seeing his two brothers giving him a lift; they were seeing a new private arrive in his own helicopter — with a captain and sergeant carrying his bags!

JOKE #3

Once, I worked as an operator on an old IBM 370/Model 138 mainframe at a local college. My position had been reclassified so that it fell into a new area outside of the Information Technology staff.

One day, my new supervisor entered the room and stared at the air conditioning unit directly behind me. He studied the two flashing lights for a few moments and asked what job it was currently processing.

I killed my career by replying, “Actually, sir, it’s cooling the room. The computer is over there.”

USELESS FACTS

Even strange fashion choices come with rules.  A Scottish kilt should never be worn below the middle of the knee.  ***MARLAR: Of course not – that would make the men look sissy.

For a contest sponsored by Nokia, a designer created a cell phone that emits odors from the location of the caller, to make it seem as if they’re right there with you.  ***MARLAR: So please take a breath mint before calling Mom.

FEATURED FUNNIES

COMMUNION

Little Johnny was in church when the wine and wafers were passed out. His mother leaned over and told him that he was not old enough to partake in the Communion.

When the basket was passed around she leaned over once again to tell him to drop his money in, but Little Johnny held his dollar firmly in his hand, stating… “If I can’t eat, I won’t pay!”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

Even death won’t keep some people from watching the NFL.

James Henry Smith was a zealous Pittsburgh Steelers fan in life, and even death could not keep him from his favorite spot: in a recliner, in front of a TV showing his beloved team in action. The 55-year-old Smith, of Pittsburgh, died of prostate cancer. Because his death wasn’t unexpected, his family was able to plan for an unusual viewing. The funeral home erected a small stage in a viewing room, and arranged furniture on it much as it was in Smith’s home on game day Sundays. Smith’s body was on the recliner, his feet crossed and a remote in his hand. He wore black and gold silk pajamas, slippers and a robe. A pack of cigarettes and a beer were at his side, while a high-definition TV played a continuous loop of Steelers highlights. Smith’s burial plans were more traditional — he’ll be laid to rest in a casket.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

THE MORE”

The more generous we are,
the more joyous we become.

The more cooperative we are,
the more valuable we become.

The more enthusiastic we are,
the more productive we become.

The more serving we are,
the more prosperous we become.

The more outgoing we are,
the more helpful we become.

The more curious we are,
the more creative we become.

The more patient we are,
the more understanding we become.

The more persistent we are,
the more successful we become.

– William Arthur Ward

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

LEARNING TO WALK

READ: Hosea 11:1-4
I taught Ephraim to walk, taking them by their arms. —Hosea 11:3

I remember those days long ago when our children were learning to walk. First they showed their readiness by pulling themselves up and taking a tentative step or two. My wife and I would reach out our hands and encourage them to walk toward us. We held them up by their hands or by the suspenders on their overalls. We praised every effort and encouraged every attempt. We never grew discouraged, nor did we give up until they learned to walk.

So it is with our heavenly Father: He “taught [Israel] to walk” (Hos. 11:3). He took His children “by their arms” and “drew them with gentle cords, with bands of love” (vv.3-4).

Our heavenly Father stands before us with outstretched arms, encouraging us toward holiness, eager to catch us when we stumble. He picks us up when we fall. He is never discouraged with our progress, nor will He ever give up. The more difficult we find the process, the more care and kindness He expends.

George MacDonald put it this way: “God will help us when we cannot walk, and He will help us when we find it hard to walk, but He cannot help us if we will not walk.” Even though you fall, you must try again. Your Father holds you by the hand. —David H. Roper

Savior, let me walk beside Thee,
Let me feel my hand in Thine;
Let me know the joy of walking
In Thy strength and not in mine. —Sidebotham

We can’t run the Christian race until we learn to walk.

LEFTOVERS

GOT A LIGHT?

A man’s house explodes just because he wanted sausage for breakfast!

A German man trying to cook himself some sausages as a birthday treat blew up his house. Upon entering his house, he found his gas was off, and the 47-year-old Berlin man decided to hook his cooker directly to the gas line. Then he lit a cigarette and the resulting explosion blew the roof off his house, injuring seven people, including himself and his girlfriend. ***MARLAR: On the plus side, his sausage patties were done faster than usual.

LIFE… LIVE IT

Want to know if your brain is functioning well? 

According to Dr. Michael Roizen, co-author of the new book “You: The Owner’s Manual.” all you have to do is close your eyes and lift one foot off the ground. The longer you can stand on one leg without falling, the better your brain is functioning.  The book indicates balancing on one foot for 28 seconds is good for folks 20 to 30 years of age; 23 seconds is good for people ages 31 to 40, and 15 seconds is good for people ages 41 to 60.  ***MARLAR: I tried this experiment with the boss yesterday. But I don’t know how long he stayed on one foot.  The moment he closed his eyes for the experiment I grabbed his Twinkie and ran out of his office.

JUST FOR FUN

TREE-RIFIC STORY

How often do you hear about a letter being written and delivered… to a tree!

A tree received a letter from a council saying it is not to be cut down. The two-page letter was taped to the tree’s trunk. Locals had tried to save the lime tree and Southampton City Council relented. They say the letter which began “Dear The Tree” is a standard legalistic device. Peter Knight, chairman of the residents’ association which opposed the tree cutting said: “We are delighted the lime trees will be saved as they are a pleasant feature – but I’ve never heard of someone writing to a tree before.” Signed by the head of council legal services, the letter tells the tree, and three others, it now has a temporary preservation order. It also says if there are any further comments or objections they should be made in writing. ***MARLAR: On paper… which is made from trees.  That’s just cruel.

FUN LIST

DEADLY MENU

Can’t eat beef… Mad cow.

Can’t eat chicken… Bird flu.

Can’t eat eggs… Salmonella.

Can’t eat pork… fears of trichinosis.

Can’t eat fish… heavy metals in the waters has poisoned their meat.

Can’t eat fruits and veggies… insecticides and herbicides.

Hmm… I believe that leaves Chocolate!

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

Stay married… stay healthy!

This may come as a surprise to some married folks staying hitched through thick and thin is actually good for your long term health. A new study shows that the divorced, widowed and never wed have more chronic health problems and less mobility as they age than people who stay in a continuous marriage. And they continue to suffer more ailments, even if they remarry. Researchers at the University of Chicago and Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore found that divorced and widowed people experienced 20 percent more health woes, including heart disease, cancer and diabetes. They also had a 23 percent increase in mobility problems, evident by trouble climbing stairs and walking short distances. Study co-author Linda Waite says the enormous financial and emotional stress associated with divorce or the death of a spouse causes permanent damage, leading to a higher incidence of American’s two biggest killers heart disease and cancer. And remarrying even happily isn’t a panacea. Says Waite: “You move from a state where you’re getting damaged to where you’re taking care of yourself, but you still have the damage.” (National Examiner) 

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

A possible link between air pollution and Alzheimer’s disease has been suggested by scientists. The team conducted detailed studies of brain tissue in a joint British-Mexican project. They examined the brain tissue of 37 individuals who had lived in either Mexico City or Manchester, both air pollution hotspots. Using microscopic and spectroscopic analysis, scientists found tiny magnetic particles from air pollution lodged in the brains. The materials have long been associated with neurodegenerative diseases, such as Alzheimer’s.  Get the full story at http://yhoo.it/2cJcr06.

The English Standard Version (ESV) received its final update this summer, 17 years after it was first authorized by Crossway, its publisher. According to Christianity Today, the translation oversight committee changed just 52 words across 29 verses—out of more than 775,000 words across more than 31,000 verses—for the final “permanent text” edition. The board then voted, unanimously, to make the text “unchanged forever, in perpetuity.”  Read the full story at http://ow.ly/p40T304k0FL.

The Purpose Hotel™ campaign has exceeded the initial goal of $347-thousand dollars on Kickstarter in less than 48 hours. The project relaunched on September 12 and nearly 2,000 people joined in backing the crowd-sourced effort. The intial step allows The Purpose Hotel™ team to take steps in developing the initial designs and financing of the building. According to planners, every aspect of the global chain will directly contribute to those in need through strategic sourcing and procurement. They say just staying at the hotel will help those in need around the world.

https://t.e2ma.net/message/8n2uz/8vgrol

Focus on the Family is calling the nation to prayer. Jim Daly posted: You can help save America by joining our 31 DAYS OF PRAYER effort Oct. 1 to 31 in advance of the November election. Please commit to pray with us daily throughout the month of October for our nation. Pray for healing … for God’s perfect will in the elections … for our schools and children … for our courts and so much more. You can download a prayer guide with 31 specific daily points of prayer at http://ow.ly/oDHN304k0qi.

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

If you stand up and be counted, from time to time you may get yourself knocked down. But remember this: A man flattened by an opponent can get up again. A man flattened by conformity stays down for good.  –Thomas J. Watson

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

SEPTEMBER 16, 2016…

 

Blair Witch—In 1999, “Blair Witch” was a runaway hit.  Now, it is present day, and a brother of one of the characters of the first film, decides to go into the same woods and see if he can find anything.  The original people are still missing. The cast includes Callie Hernandez and Corbin Reid. “Blair Witch” is rated R. No rating.

 

Operation Avalanche—Here is another film with the premise of “found footage” dealing with a dramatic event. There is a cover-up here. Stars Matt Johnson and Josh Bales. “Operational Avalanche” is rated R. No rating.

 

Bridget Jones’s Baby—Part Three of the saga of Bridget Jones, as played by Rene Zellweger and this time around she is pregnant.  Who is the father? Colin Firth? Patrick Dempsey? Bridget has been busy, but Zellweger has not, as this is her first major film in five years. “Bridget Jones’s Baby” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

 

Snowden—Joseph Gordon-Levitt stars as Edward Snowden in this film directed by Oliver Stone. What happened, how it happened and with Zachary Quinto (“Star Trek” films) as reporter Glenn Greenwald. “Snowden” is rated PG 13. No rating.

 

SEPTEMBER 23, 2016…

 

The Magnificent Seven is a remake of the famous western with William Holden. This time, Denzel Washington is the leader and other stars are Chris Pratt and Ethan Hawke.

 

Storks is an animated film about whether storks really deliver babies or not. Voices of Andy Samberg and Kelsey Grammar. A comedy.

 

The Dressmaker stars Kate Winslet as a woman who returns to an Australian town to open a dress shop.

 

The Hollars is finally opening and written and starring John Krasinski from “The Office.” Concerns a dysfunctional family.

 

Beauty and the Beast is yet another version of the famous tale. Stars Vincent Cassel and Lea Seydroux.

 

Goat stars Nick Jonas as a student who tries to get his brother into a fraternity.

 

# # # # #

WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.