September 19, 2017: Tuesday ONAIRprep

PRINT VERSIONS OF TODAY’S PREP:
ODT: 20170919
PDF: 20170919

***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS! (As an ONAIRprep subscriber, you can gain access to all of the work parts for the Daily Dose of Weird News, allowing you to edit for length and content – and also receive a custom tag specifically for your station or show which you can have updated at any time… ABSOLUTELY FREE! IT’S PART OF YOUR SUBSCRIPTION! Email me to get more information, FTP access and your free customized tag!)

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***Today’s show prep is dedicated to my friends at Cross International. With the devastating hurricanes that hit Texas and Florida, it’s easy to forget others in need around the world such as South Sudan, where children are starving. So I’ve teamed up with Cross International and I’m asking you, my ONAIRpreppers, to save a life today! A single gift of $60 will feed a child for a full five months! You can also ask that part of your gift go to hurricane relief – so you’re helping both causes at the same time! Call 866-822-4883 to donate now or give online by clicking the Cross International banner at ONAIRprep.com.

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

I’m so desperate for a kick-start today that I’ve replaced the water in my coffee with Red Bull. I fully expect within the next half-hour to end up halfway through yesterday.

A friend of mine passed on a little bit of wisdom to me the other day, and after following his advice, I’m so convinced of the benefit of that advice that I want to pass it on to you. It is definitely working for me. I have found inner peace. You see, the way to achieve inner peace is to finish things that you start. Today I finished two bags of potato chips, a chocolate pie, a 2-liter of Pepsi, and a box of chocolate candy. I feel better already.

Hi and welcome to (THE JOCK SHOW)!  I’m (JOCK), which is nice considering if I was anyone else I’d have to change the name of the show.

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven: A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck what is planted.”  –Ecclesiastes 3:1, 2

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea. –Psalm 46:1-2

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

Make the most of every opportunity. Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone. — Colossians 4:5-6

Thought: There are no random acts of kindness, only intentional acts given the opportunity to happen. We have thought about kindnesses we can do. We have committed ourselves to acting in ways that are kind and beneficial. We have prayed for an opportunity to be kind. Then the opportunity presents itself and bingo! We act with kindness. Nothing random about that! This is true not just in deeds, but in words as well. More than trying to avoid poor speech, we are urged to use our speech to bless and help others to come to know Christ.

Prayer: Father, please forgive me for the careless words I have uttered this week. I understand that these careless words are twice sins — a sin once when I committed it and a sin a second time because I didn’t see the opportunity to be redemptive and helpful with my speech. Open my eyes Lord so that I may see those people you have placed in my path to bless. Through the blessed name of Jesus I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

Acts 9:18 NIV = Immediately, something like scales fell from Sauls eyes, and he could see again. He got up and was baptized,

TODAY IS TUESDAY – SEPTEMBER 19, 2017

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
96 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

NATIONAL BABY SAFETY WEEK begins today.  ***I’d think this would be a year-round kind of thing, but that’s just my opinion.

Today is TALK LIKE A PIRATE DAY.

This is NATIONAL CHIROPRACTIC WEEK. ***Which, ironically, helps you talk like a pirate. Once he cracks your bones it’s hard not to yell, “Aaaarrrrr…”

Today is MAKE A SCARECROW DAY.  ***Last Halloween I dressed a scarecrow up to look like me. Kids were too frightened to knock on the door.

TODAY IS ALSO…

Talk Like A Pirate Day
Get Ready Day
National IT Professionals Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 20

National Rehabilitation Day
*National String Cheese Day
School Backpack Awareness Day

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 21

International Day of Peace
National Surgical Technologists Day
Islamic New Year
RAINN Day (Rape Abuse Incest National Network)
Rosh Hashanah
National Teach Ag Day
World’s Alzheimer’s Day

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 22

American Business Women’s Day
Autumn (Autumnal Equinox)
Bright Pink Lipstick Day
Car Free Day
Chainmail Day
Dear Diary Day
Elephant  Appreciation Day
Hobbit Day
Ice Cream Cone Day
International Day of Radiant Peace
Love Note Day
Mabon
National Centenarian’s Day
National Doodle Day
National Leg Wear Day
National Rock n’ Roll Dog Day
National White Chocolate Day

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 23

Checkers Day or Dogs in Politics Day
Fish Amnesty Day
Innergize Day
International Lace Day
International Rabbit Day
Kids Day (Kiwanis Clubs)
National Hunting and Fishing Day
National Museum Day
National Public Lands Day
National Seat Check Saturday
National Singles Day
National Snack Stick Day
R.E.A.D. in America Day
Restless Legs Awareness Day
Teal Talk Day

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 24

Bluebird of Happiness Day
Gold Star Mother’s Day
International Day of The Deaf
National Familial Hypercholesterolemia Day
Punctuation Day
Schwenkfelder Thanksgiving

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 25

Family Day
Math Story Telling Day
National One-Hit Wonder Day
National Psychotherapy Day
National Research Administrators Day
National Tune-up Day
(World) Ataxia Awareness Day
World Pharmacists Day

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 26

Compliance Officer Day
Johnny Appleseed Day
National Dumpling Day
National Voter Registration Day
Shamu the Whale Day
Situational Awareness Day
World Contraception Day

ON THIS DAY

1881: President James Garfield died of a gunshot wound inflicted by a disappointed office seeker the previous July 2.

1934: Bruno Hauptmann was arrested for the Lindbergh baby kidnap-murder.

1955: President Juan Peron of Argentina was deposed and exiled after a military coup.

1957: The United States conducted its first underground nuclear test in the Nevada desert.

1962: Gov. Ross Barnett blocked James Meredith from enrolling in the University of Mississippi.

1985: The Mexico City area was struck by the first of two devastating earthquakes that claimed thousands of lives. The second earthquake hit 36 hours later.

1994: U.S. troops entered Haiti to enforce the return of exiled president Jean-Bertrand Aristide.

2001: The Pentagon ordered combat aircraft to the Persian Gulf following the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

821: Theodulf, poet, scholar, secretary of education, and bishop of Orleans during Charlemagne’s reign is buried. He wrote hymns, among which his best remembered is “Gloria Laus et Honor” or “All Glory, Laud and Honor / To thee Redeemer King.

1853: Baptist missionary pioneer J. Hudson Taylor sets sail from England for China at the age of 21.

1888: Missionary Jonathan Goforth begins a tour of the North Honan region of China, where he would spend the rest of his life preaching, establishing churches, and ministering to the needy.

1955: Mission Aviation pilot Nate Saint spots the Auca villages in the Amazon jungle. The Auca massacred him and his companions on January 6, 1956.

BIRTHDAY RAP-UP

  • Actor (“Saturday Night Live”, Fever Pitch, “Late Night with Jimmy Fallon”) Jimmy Fallon, 43

  • (President Jimmy Carter’s daughter) Amy Carter 50

  • Actor (Die Hard: With a Vengeance, The Man in the Iron Mask, voice of ‘Scar’ in The Lion King) Jeremy Irons, 69

  • actor (“3rd Rock From The Sun”) John Lithgow is 72 (audio clip)

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1921 : Billy Ward (The Dominoes)

1931 : Brook Benton

1934 : Brian Epstein (Beatles manager)

1940 : Paul Williams

1940 : Bill Medley (The Righteous Brothers)

1943 : Cass Elliot (The Mamas & The Papas)

1945 : Freda Payne

1945 : David Bromberg

1947 : Lol Creme (10cc)

1951 : Daniel Lanois

1952 : Nile Rodgers (Chic)

1956 : Rex Smith

1964 : Trisha Yearwood

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

Can plants commit suicide?

Turns out… yes!  Well, sort of.  When provoked beyond their endurance, plants are quite capable of committing suicide, says a new study. The findings were discovered by cell biologists and biochemists at Vienna University in Austria. The researchers found that when plant life is threatened by either animals or infection, they deliberately sacrifice parts of themselves. “It’s often a wrong assumption that immense heat or ozone kills a plant,” explains study leader Andeas Bachmair. “Most of the time, plants create a special program themselves to save what can be saved. Despite the voluntary death of certain parts, it remains alive in its core.” A variety of vegetation have developed defense mechanisms since they’ can’t run away from an enemy. Their tactics including killing off only the infected section, or appearing to be diseased to discourage foraging animals. “Instead of relocation, they do without certain parts when there is a problem,” Bachmair says. (Sun)

NEWS KICKERS

(None on weekends. Want a customizable version with your specific station tag, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Texas has called in the U.S. Air Force to fight the surge of mosquitoes following Hurricane Harvey.  ***They’re calling the Air Force for that?  How big are Texas mosquitos?!?

Why have your senior portraits taken in random meadows or in the middle of abandoned train tracks when you can shoot them at a place you really love? According to People.com Mikayla Cleckler had this thought when it came to deciding her own photos prior to graduating from Northeast Jones High School in Mississippi and headed to her local McDonald’s. The 17-year-old, who clearly has an amazing sense of humor, was shot in several different poses and set-ups, all involving the best that McDonald’s has to offer: french fries, large sodas and buttermilk chicken sandwiches.  ***You gotta love a girl with a super-sized sense of humor!  http://peoplem.ag/NzbfOu1

Researchers say a messy desk could be a sign of genius. ***I say we stop the research right there and just accept it as fact.

Astronomers discover a pitch black planet that reflects almost zero sunlight. A new research effort to study the exoplanet known as WASP-12b hasn’t exactly revealed what it’s made of, but it has discovered that the planet is the blackest of blacks, and reflects so little sunlight that not even freshly-laid asphalt can compare.  ***Scientists’ best guess as to what the blacker-than-black planet is made of, is the hearts of ANTIFA activists.

It’s been one year since a solar-paneled bike path was put down in the Netherlands (Krommenie) and the results have even surprised the designers. Over the past year the path has generated 70 kilowatt-hours per square meter — enough to power about three houses. The people behind SolaRoad are hopeful the path’s success will spur more cities to adopt the idea and use existing roadways to gather cheap and sustainable energy. ***How can I get my driveway paved with this stuff?

The Baltimore Ravens have rescheduled DNA Day. They made that decision just over two hours before the kickoff of their home opener on Sunday. The Ravens had planned to give out free DNA test kits to fans as they entered the stadium but decided against it at the last minute.  ***So I guess now we’ll never know who the father is of the  3,000 pregnant women at the game.

The next time someone at your office lets out a “silent but deadly” emission, maybe you should thank them. A new study at the University of Exeter in England suggests that exposure to hydrogen sulfide (what your body produces as bacteria breaks down food, causing gas) could prevent mitochondria damage. Yep, the implication is what you’re thinking: People are taking the research to mean that smelling farts could prevent disease and even cancer. While hydrogen sulfide gas is harmful in large doses, the study suggests that “a whiff here and there has the power to reduce risks of cancer, strokes, heart attacks, arthritis, and dementia by preserving mitochondria.” ***So when dad asks you to pull his finger, you can thank him for looking out for your health.

A plane clipped a catering truck at Manchester Airport in England while preparing to take off, causing significant delays and sparking an investigation into the crash. Passengers had to wait about three hours before taking off on another plane.  ***At least the passengers didn’t have to starve during the wait though – after all, they crashed into a catering truck.

We love them. We hate them. We can’t live without them. But sometimes we just have to yell “blankety-blank-blank-blank” to our computer. Almost 40% of computer users admit they have cursed at that infernal machine at one time or another, according to a worldwide survey conducted by IT security experts Avira. But not all PC users have potty mouths. 38% brag they have never once yelled at their computer in moments of frustration. 11% have wished a catastrophe would strike the company that makes the operating system software or the computer hardware crash. 9% have actually hit their computer with an object, including a baseball bat or a fist. 3% have picked up the computer and smashed it into the ground or against another object.  ***Well gee, no wonder the machines rise up against us – I don’t blame them!

Donald Trump has taken up the offer of an 11-year-old named Frank to mow the Rose Garden lawn. ***Knowing how D.C. works, the kid will mysteriously disappear after the lawnmowers union finds out about this.

Doctors are now warning that you should wear sunscreen while using your cell phone or computer.  ***Wouldn’t that get the keyboard and screen greasy?

Now they’re talking about self-piloting ships and that they could be ready in three years.  ***I’m not a fan of this idea.  I didn’t like “Speed 2: Cruise Control” the first time I saw it.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

A town in Virginia has voted to fine anyone heard using profanity in public the sum of $250.  *** You think the profanity is bad now?  Just wait until you hear what’s said once you give someone a ticket for cursing!

A research team says it may be on the right track for finding a cure for baldness. ***Sure, we could work on cures for cancer, heart attacks, AIDS… but first we have to bring an end to the comb-over!

In the story of Walt Disney’s “Pinocchio,” the boy puppet’s lies are revealed whenever his wooden nose grows. Since then, a “growing nose” has been synonymous with being caught in a fib. It turns out that this idea isn’t too far from the truth.  Researchers at the University of Granada in Spain found that when people lie, their noses and orbital muscles become hot, a condition they call the Pinocchio effect.  Researches found that when people fibbed, the temperature in the muscles around the nose and the eyes, heated up while other areas of the face cooled. This corresponds with action in the insular cortex, nestled deep within the cerebral cortex, which controls emotions, our subjective sense of our inner blood, blood pressure during exercise, and perception of pain.  ***It’s also been discovered that if you drink or smoke underage you slowly turn into a donkey.

According to a new study, rich people pay less for car insurance than poor people.  ***Nationwide is on your side… as long as your side is the right side of town.

A University of Connecticut study of Millennial found that men ages 20 to 34 and women in their early 20s have significantly weaker hand grips than young people of the same age tested in 1985.  ***But hey, they’ve got incredibly strong THUMBS for TWEETING & TEXTING!

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TUESDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, Millard the Monkey, after trying hundreds of different ways to beat Steve Mozart, finally gave up. He even decided at the last moment not to sabotage Steve Mozart’s concert – even though Mozart’s latest hit song was exactly like the one Millard wrote. Millard, sadly, went home…

CLOSE: Could it be true? Could all of Steve Mozart’s original ideas actually be MILLARD’S original ideas? Could it be that Millard is the true genius, and Steve Mozart is nothing but a low-life, paper-rifling thief? Find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

If the judge suspends your driver’s license… it means IMMEDIATELY.

An East Tennessee man whose driver’s license was suspended, was charged with driving on a suspended license – on the same day. The Greeneville Sun reported a Greene County Sheriff’s officer stopped 27-year-old Billy Ray Mathes late Wednesday night. On a note attached to the arrest warrant, Lt. Wesley Holt stated he charged Mathes, who lives in Mosheim, with driving on a suspended license because he knew a judge had suspended Mathes’ driving privileges that day. Mathes had been stopped on Sept. 4 for a registration violation and was driving the same car, with the same license plate, when Holt spotted him Wednesday night. He’s due in court again on Friday.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN THINGS YOU LEARNED IN “DICTATORSHIP FOR BEGINNERS – 101”

10. Make sure you position your country far enough away it takes 3 weeks to row to the nearest country.

9. If you capture your enemy, kill them right away. Don’t tell them a plan, don’t keep keep them in a dungeon, don’t devise a weird way to kill them slowly, just kill them

8. The proper way to give speeches from a balcony without getting shot.

7. A common mistake made by rookie dictators is asking if anyone “has any suggestions for the good of the order.”

6. You need some interesting facial hair to succeed.

5. Pink uniforms are not an option.

4. You really should make a few trips to Costco before the trade embargos kick in.

3. How to duck without looking cowardly.

2. All election ballots will have only one chad.

1. Make sure the password to disable your thermonuclear warheads is something totally obscure, not the name of your daughter spelled backwards.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

It’s best not to ask people out you’ve just robbed!

FILE #1: In Columbus, Ohio, 20-year-old Stephfon Bennett made the insane mistake of returning to the scene of the crime — to ask one of his robbery victims out on a date! Bennett was allegedly among three men who robbed a couple in their home. The woman recognized Bennett as one of the robbers when he returned to ask her out and had a relative call 911. He was arrested in front of the victim’s home.

FILE #2: Police in Tampa are looking for a group of three robbers who wore some pretty exotic disguises when they held up three pawnshops in the last three weeks. One of the men donned surgical scubs with surgeon’s mask but one wore a child’s safety seat on his head and another wore a beautician’s hair-washing sink! One of the robbers did point a gun at employees and ordered them to empty cash boxes and jewelry cabinets while customers were forced onto the floor. Then the employees were pushed into another part of the store so the robbers could make off with “high dollar items.” All three left the store in a stolen vehicle that was found several blocks away. Police spokesperson Andrea Davis summed up what most of us are probably thinking. She said, “The first thing you think is ‘That’s funny.’ But in reality, this is a violent crime, and there’s nothing funny about it to the victims.”

FILE #3: In Lancaster, Pennsylvania, 39-year-old Anthony Miller really couldn’t stand his wife. He desperately wanted to leave her but she kept threatening to hurt herself if he did. That’s when he decided the only way out was to go to jail. So he robbed a bank by approaching tellers with a BB gun. He then asked for money and told them to call the police. He even asked for updates on their efforts to reach authorities as he waited patiently. He got his wish and was just sentenced to three to six years in prison. But here’s the interesting part. The robbery happened back in 2007. It’s taken this long for the case to go to trial and sentencing and ironically, Miller and his wife did indeed divorce last year.

STRANGE LAW: In London, Hackney taxis must carry a bale of hay and a sack of oats.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.

A woman is so desperate for beer that she steals it from a grocery store – using a very unusual method!

…The grocery store camera caught the woman putting a 24-can case of beer between her thighs, pulling her dress back down and shuffling out of the store. But it took a while to identify and find her.  The woman didn’t deny anything when she was arrested, said Capt. David McDavid of the Zachary Police Department. “She wanted to demonstrate it …” he said. “I told her, no thanks, I wasn’t into that… we weighed a case, it was 20 pounds.”

PHONER PHUN

What happened the first time you met the in-laws (or the parents of your significant other)? Any horror stories?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Who said “with great wrestling’s I have wrestled against my sister..”?

ANSWER: Rachel (Gen. 30:80)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: Astronomers once believed another planet existed between Mercury and the Sun. What was the name of that planet?

ANSWER: Vulcan (not the Star Trek one though!)

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. Tony Romo threw a record six touchdown passes in one Super Bowl, in 1995. (False, Steve Young)

2. Jerry Rice became the NFL’s all-time touchdown leader in 1994. (True)

3. Diarrhea was alleviated by medicine dubbed “liquid cork” by U.S. troops in Vietnam. (True)

4. Bob Dole once called nationalism “the measles of mankind”. (False, Albert Einstein)

5. Bird experts recommend the birdbath to be two-and-a-half-inches deep. (True)

6. The Gall Bladder is located just in front of the windpipe. (False, The Thyroid)

7. The Exxon Valdez oil spill happened in 1985. (False, 1989)

8. The Exxon Valdex oil spill killed an estimated 144 bald eagles. (True)

9. The sense of smell is sharpened by a radial keratotomy. (False, sight)

10. The more common term for herpes zoster is Shingles. (True)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

“Couple Eats Same __________ Meal Every Day For 17 Years!” (MCDONALD’S)

In Sussex, England, Lee and Mary Humphrey, both 84, have eaten the exact same meal at their local McDonald’s every day for the last 17 years. The couple always arrives at 11am, sits at the same table and both order two hamburgers with one order of fries to split between them. At current prices, the couple would have spent about $40,000 over the years and consumes 33 grams of fat and 860 calories each time they dine. 

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom: “Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin plowing.”

Twenty minutes later there was another announcement:  “Will the nine hundred students who went to move fourteen cars please return to class.”

JOKE #2

The two teenagers were arrested . The arresting officer told them they were entitled to a phone call.
Some time later, a man entered the station and the sergeant said, “I suppose you’re the kids’ lawyer.”

“Nope,” the chap replied. “I’m just here to deliver them a pizza.”

JOKE #3

A pastor is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.

After watching the boys efforts for some time, the pastor moves closer to the boy’s position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child’s shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.

Crouching down to the child’s level, the pastor smiles benevolently and asks, “And now what, my little man?”

To which the boy replies, “Now we run!”

USELESS FACTS

A trial court judge in the Philippines was recently dismissed from duty for his beliefs, and he’s publicly saying that he disagrees with being let go. So what does the judge believe? That he could see into the future, and that three mystic dwarfs – Armand, Luis, and Angel – advised him. When the country’s Supreme Court heard of the judge’s methods, they conducted a three-year investigation, then fined him and fired him. ***Sounds like one of his mystic dwarves could’ve been named Dopey.

The name “Lego” came from the Danish word LEg Godt, which means “play well.”  ***Which is odd, because I’ve yet to see kids play well together with Legos.

FEATURED FUNNIES

BEHAVIORAL MODIFICATION

An elementary school teacher, well versed in educational jargon, asked for a small allotment of money for “behavior modification reinforcers.”
The principal saw the item and asked, “What in heaven’s name is that?”
“Lollipops,” the teacher explained.

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

NOW THAT’S LIVING!

A retired woman in Britain had decided that, instead of spending the remainder of her days in a retirement home, she’s going to spend it as a passenger on a luxury cruise ship! Why? Because, according to her, it costs the same as a retirement home! Beatrice Muller, now 82 years old, only pays 55-percent of her cabin’s full price because of her loyalty bonuses from five previous world cruises. She pays about $4,800 per month for her cabin… but it’d cost just about that much to stay in a retirement home… so which would you choose? While her peers are stuck in Britain’s muggy weather, Beatrice travels the high seas, stopping at sunny destinations, playing bridge and dancing with handsome stewards. “This is where I live and I love it,” she says. “I don’t have to do any shopping, I don’t need to do any shopping, I don’t need a car and there aren’t any gas or phone bills. I would have to pay around the same to stay in an old people’s home and it wouldn’t nearly be as much fun as here.”

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

GOD DIDN’T USE DUCT TAPE (And many other reasons why God is a much better creator than I am.)

–By Tim Bete

God created the world before Home Depot existed. That’s a theological concept I can’t comprehend. I take at least five trips to Home Depot during every project. The first trip is to buy materials, the second to return what I purchased and get the correct items, the third is to ask questions, the fourth because I forgot the answers and the fifth to ask if I can pay someone to do the project for me.

Obviously, God is a better creator than I am. God created the entire universe. I can barely assemble a gas grill. Frankly, I have never completed a project and said, “It is good.”

There are thousands of ways my ability to create pales in comparison to God’s. For instance, during the creation of the world, God separated the light from the darkness. I’ve separated an egg and my children when they fight, but that’s about it. God called the light Day, and the darkness He called Night. I called my neighbor to borrow a metric wrench to assemble the grill. God created “swarms of living creatures.” I paid an exterminator $189 to get them out of my basement.

If I had created the world, my first words would have been, “Let there be duct tape to keep the stars from falling out of the sky and the leaves on the trees.” Not God. His project was free of artificial adhesives. In my book, that’s more miraculous than creating man from dust. God didn’t even use a coat hanger–the universal household tool. Amazing!

I have discovered two ways that I resemble the Creator. First, it takes me the same amount of time to assemble a gas grill that it took God to create the world: six days. Second, God rested on the seventh day. My wife says when it comes to napping, not even God is better than me.

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

ON CREAKY KNEES

Read: Psalm 116

Because He has inclined His ear to me, therefore I will call upon Him as long as I live. –Psalm 116:2

Meet Margaret the battler. More than 90 years of memories and faith are her legacy, but she’s not ready to surrender. Her life is full of the physical pain that often accompanies old age, and even though she’s too weak to walk anymore, Margaret is not done with her ministry.

Despite her increasing feebleness, and despite her near deafness and inability to move around, Margaret has a ministry that reaches far beyond the walls of the nursing home where she lives. Every day–often for hours at a time–she sits in her chair with a stack of prayer cards and prays diligently for missionaries. And sometimes, when she can push her frail body to do so, she kneels beside her bed on creaky knees to talk with God.

Margaret doesn’t have much more than prayer to offer her Lord. She is the essence of the answer to the question in Psalm 116:12, “What shall I render to the Lord for all His benefits toward me?” Verse 13 answers, “I will . . . call upon the name of the Lord.”

A lifetime of being sustained by God’s love, grace, and mercy is just about over for Margaret. In the face of mounting physical weakness, she is staying spiritually strong to the end. O to have her courage and dedication–at any age!

(From Campus Journal)

LEFTOVERS

HAVE A COKE AND A LAWSUIT

A bottle of Coca-Cola is the source of dissension between two neighbors… as well as a lawsuit.

Two women from Maryland are fighting over whom is the legal owner of a $10,000 prize found hidden under a Coca-Cola can-cap. Michelle Mercado says Laurie Mott offered the can of Coke during a visit to Mott’s home. When Mercado popped the top off the Coke can, it was a winner of a $10,000 prize in contest sponsored by Coca-Cola. Mott took the can and claimed the prize, since she bought the drink. Mercado argues that she was given the beverage, so it should be hers. ***MARLAR:  So much for that “I’d like to buy the world a Coke and live in perfect harmony” stuff.

LIFE… LIVE IT

PROOF MIDDLE AGE IS DEPRESSING

A survey by Britain’s Warwick University of people in 80 countries confirmed what we long suspected: middle age is depressing.

…A researcher said it’s remarkably common throughout the world that people follow a U-shaped graph of happiness: It starts high when you’re young…drops to the lowest point in your 40s, when people are most likely to get depressed…then rises until in your 70s, you’re as happy as a 20-year-old again. He said this happens to men and women, marrieds and singles, parents and the childless, and nobody knows why. There were only eight developing nations where reaching 40 didn’t depress people. ***MARLAR: I can totally understand. When I turned forty I began losing my hair (and finding it in my ears), I’m near-sighted and far-sighted, I’m dealing with psoriasis on my cheeks (both sets), I’ve got high cholesterol, high blood pressure, acid reflux, hemorrhoids, irritable bowel syndrome… I’ve got a toenail that looks like a Frito… and my friends wonder why I’m DEPRESSED?

JUST FOR FUN

GIVING NEW MEANING TO THE TERM “EYE CANDY”

Want to see your food more clearly when you eat?  Now you can, with chopstick-eyeglasses!

A German company has invented a pair of glasses that come apart to double as chopsticks.  (A GERMAN company?!?!)  The ‘sushi specs’ have detachable arms that can be used to eat traditional Japanese food.  Those who aren’t adept at using chopsticks can have forks attached as an alternative.  Ralph Anderl designed the glasses and said he came up with the idea after noticing that eating on the go has become increasingly popular.  Unfortunately once the arms have been removed the glasses cannot be worn until the chopsticks have been reattached. ***MARLAR: Gee, honey, you sure smell good today.  What is that scent behind your ears – essence of Sweet & Sour Pork?

FUN LIST

USED CARS CLASSIFIED TRANSLATIONS

  • MUST SELL… before it blows up.

  • RUNS FINE… I was going to say “runs excellent” but I had a last minute attack of conscience.

  • WELL-MAINTAINED… I changed the oil occasionally.

  • LOOKS LIKE NEW… just don’t try to drive it anywhere.

  • ALL ORIGINAL… I never had anything fixed, adjusted, or replaced.

  • NEEDS SOME BODY WORK… was side-swiped by a Winnebago.

  • LOADED WITH OPTIONS… each one more troublesome than the next.

  • NEVER SMOKED IN… unfortunately, that’s the best thing I can say about it.

  • PROJECT CAR… doesn’t run.

  • LOTS OF POTENTIAL… doesn’t run.

  • NEEDS MINOR REPAIR… doesn’t run.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

How did you lose YOUR cell phone?


British insurance agencies have put together a list of the top ten excuses they have been given for their clients losing their mobile phones:

10) Phone ‘drowned’ during fishing incident

9) Pranks where owner is thrown into water

8) Sailing accidents

7) Dropped down drain

6) Run over after falling on to the road

5) Building site accidents

4) Dropped down toilet

3) Dropped on hard surface

2) Left on car roof then driving off

1) Leaving the phone on public transportation

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Distance does make the heart grow fonder. A recent report in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy showed that couple in long distance relationships who had more miles between them were reported to be more satisfied, have greater intimacy, and communicate better than pairs who lived closer together. “Couples who are farther from each other may be actively working harder to strengthen their relationship to make up for the distance between them,” explains study author Emma Dargie, a Ph.D. candidate in clinical psychology at Queen’s University in Ontario. “Also, the longer distance may give them a common hurdle to overcome.”

If you want to look years younger than your real age, focus on the area around your eyes. Why? This is where people get visual clues about your age and level of fatigue, HealthDay News reports of a study from a Boston plastic surgeon, who is also an associate professor of ophthalmology at the University of Tennessee Health Science Center. Even though the eyes constitute just 21 percent of the human face, they reveal much. “There is a lot going on around the eyes,” study leader Dr. Peter A. D. Rubin told HealthDay News. “For one thing, eyelids are the thinnest skin on the body, making swelling more prominent.” In addition, the area around the eyes undergo many changes during aging and suffer from significant sun damage. “Beauty is not only in the eye of the beholder,” Rubin added. “It’s also in the eye of the beholdee.”

According to a recent study in the journal Nutrition, subjects who ate about an ounce and a half of chocolate per day had a lower BMI, less body fat, and a trimmer waist, on average, than those who nibbled less. The treat contains catechins which are compounds that are believed to help regulate hormones related to obesity, says study author Magdalena Cuenca Garcia, Ph.D. Catechin levels rise with cocoa content, which means the darker you go the better.

What is the ugliest color in the world?  Whatever you’re thinking of right now, you’re probably wrong.  The world’s ugliest color is called Pantone 448C.  It’s a drab, dark brown described as “death,” “dirty” and “tar,” – but this odious hue is serving an important purpose: discouraging smoking. So what does the color look like?  You can see it for yourself at http://ti.me/2wZDMo3.

A robotic speed bump is being tested in Sweden. The speed bump is attached to a radar gun. It will automatically lower when someone is driving too fast to give them a jolt, reminding them to slow down and follow the speed limit. That description didn’t do much for me, but watching the video on Twitter explains it pretty well – it’s a good idea and will actually save fuel costs.  You can watch it for yourself at https://twitter.com/BIUK/status/908193609081528322/video/1

SOUL-GLO

(Feel-good stories! Only posted as new stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Despite floodwaters raging outside, one police officer was moved inside to take a frightened senior “Beyond the Sea”.

…Deputy Froelich was stationed at a hurricane shelter in Florida on Saturday to watch over dozens of other families and state residents seeking refuge from the storm. One of the evacuees in particular caught Froelich’s eye: a frightened-looking elderly woman who was sitting by herself in the corner. When the deputy asked if there was anything he could do to cheer her up, she simply responded with “a dance”. Froelich took her hand and danced with her as he sang “Beyond the Sea” by Bobby Darin, until she eventually cracked a smile.  Watch the video at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cEqHnpG3uS0

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
(2017) Until just last week, advertisers could log onto Facebook and target their ads to people interested in the following: “Jew hater”; “How to burn jews”; “History of why jews ruin the world”: and “Hitler did nothing wrong.” ProPublica, a nonprofit newsroom that produces investigative journalism in the public interest, reports it knows this because it paid $30 to advertise its content to those groups. It says Facebook approved those ads in less than 15 minutes. It wasn’t until ProPublica informed Facebook of this that the social media giant removed most of the categories, whose use by advertisers one Facebook official says was “not common or widespread.” Facebook says the anti-Semitic advertising categories appeared because users had listed those terms in their profiles, likely “as an interest, an employer, or a ‘field of study.'” The ad categories are based on what its users share or do online but Facebook says it will prevent such offensive categories in the future by having human employees review them or by simply having fewer categories. (ProPublica)

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

If it falls your lot to be a street sweeper, sweep streets like Michelangelo painted pictures, like Shakespeare wrote poetry, like Beethoven composed music; sweep streets so well that all the host of Heaven and Earth will have to pause and say, Here lived a great sweeper, who swept his job well. –Martin Luther King, Jr.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

SEPTEMBER 15, 2017…

American Assassin—This film is based on the first novel by Vince Flynn, as part of his book series.  It is an action film, plenty of thrills, starring newcomer Dylan O’Brien as the character Mitch Rapp. Several actors were interested in the role, but eventually it went to an actor about to begin his major career. The set-up has Rapp being an orphan in his early teens, selected by a CIA agent (Sanaa Lathan) as a protege, then sent to a trainer (Michael Keaton) to learn the tricks of the trade. What motivates Rapp is finding who killed his parents. This theme seems to dominate action films, doesn’t it? Even going back to “Batman.” As an adult, Rapp is sent to work on a case of multiple attacks and has to team with Shiva Negar from Turkey. They find their villain is “The Ghost” (Taylor Kitsch) and away everyone goes on an action adventure. You will recognize Scott Adkins and David Suchet (“Hercule Poirot”) also in the cast. “American Assassin” is rated R for violence. Rating of 2 for fans of the genre.

Brad’s Status—Ben Stiller is taking his college-age son to various schools and meets an old classmate. This makes Ben wonder just how good a father he is. Is he lacking something? Is he smart? Witty? Wealthy? The cast includes Austin Abrams, Michael Sheen, Jenna Fischer and Luke Wilson. “Brad’s Status” is rated PG 13. No rating.

mother!—Directed by Darren Aronofsky, this film is a combination comedy and drama. Stars Jennifer Lawrence and Javier Barden as a couple who have a weekend party. However, things don’t go exactly as planned. Also in the cast is Michele Pfeiffer. Aronofsky usually has surprises in his scripts. Hmm. “mother!” is rated R. No rating.

First They Killed My Father—Directed by Angelina Jolie, the film is based on the real life adventure in Cambodia by Loung Ung (played by Sareum Srey Moch).  The Khmer Rouge were in power at that time and living in Cambodia was dangerous. What to do—escape? The film is in the Khmer and English languages. Also in the cast are Phoeong Kompheak and Sueng Socheatca. “First They Killed My Father” is rated R. No rating.

SEPTEMBER 22, 2017…

Battle Of The Sexes and it had to happen, a film version of the tennis match between Billie Jean King (Emma Stone) and Bobby Riggs (Steve Carell.)

Kingsmen: The Golden Circle continues the story of a young spy teamed with an older spy. Stars Taron Egerton and Colin Firth.

The LEGO Ninjago Movie is an animated film with LEGO’S new boy hero, Lloyd (voice of Dave Franco) defending everyone.

Stronger stars Jake Gyllenhaal as Jeff Bauman, who lost his legs from the Boston Marathon bombing.

Woodshock has Kirsten Dunst taking a dangerous drug and the after effects of it.

Victoria and Abdul has Dame Judi Dench as Queen Victoria as she enters a new stage of her life.

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WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.