September 20, 2016: Tuesday ONAIRprep

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AND NOW… ON WITH THE SHOW!

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20160920

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Warning! (THE JOCK SHOW) will not cause drowsiness, so it’s perfectly okay to operate heavy machinery while listening and pregnant.

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there is disorder and every evil thing.” –James 3:16

If anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight rein on his tongue, he deceives himself and his religion is worthless. –James 1:26

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. — Ephesians 4:29

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

“Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life.” — John 9:3

Thought: Let’s ask God to help us view people through the eyes of Jesus so that we will see them as people in whom the work of God needs to be done. And just what is this work of God? Well, Jesus answered that question this way: To believe in the One he has sent! (John 6:28-29)

Prayer: Father, please help me see the people around me as Jesus does. I want to see your work done in their lives, so please give me patience with those who are rude, tenderness with those who are hurting, and boldness with those who are ready to hear the Good News of Jesus. In the name of Christ Jesus I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

Luke 9:20 NIV = “But what about you?” he asked. “Who do you say I am?” Peter answered, “The Christ of God.”

TODAY IS TUESDAY – SEPTEMBER 20, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 1
01 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is FAMILY DAY, a day to eat dinner with your children.  (Actually, there was a study on this, and apparently having dinner with your kids five or more times a week dramatically decreases the chances of your teens getting involved with drugs and underage drinking!)

Today is SAVE A CHICKEN DAY. ***MARLAR: Why did the judge cross the road? To resuscitate the chicken! On this day in 1991, a fast-acting poultry judge saved a prize-winning chicken’s life at the Western Washington Fair. The hen almost drowned while being given a bath, but Judge Sherry Milligan gave it mouth-to-beak resuscitation.

According to the Incas, today is the SUN’S BIRTHDAY.  ***MARLAR: The Incas didn’t say how old the sun is though – no one has found a way to approach it with the question without getting burned.

Today is NATIONAL STUDENT DAY and NATIONAL PUNCH DAY.  ***MARLAR: Not to be confused with “National Punch a Student Day” which is never placed on the calendar but is often fantasized about by substitute teachers.

Today is NATIONAL GIBBERISH DAY.  ***MARLAR: Also known as the monthly meeting for the (JOCK SHOW) Fan Club.

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Get Ready Day

National I.T. Professionals Day

COMING UP NEXT

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 21

International Day of Peace

National Rehabilitation Day

School Backpack Awareness Day

World Alzheimer’s Day

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 22

American Business Women’s Day

Autumn Equinox (Fall begins) 10:21am EDT

Car Free Day

Chainmail Day

Dear Diary Day

Elephant Appreciation Day

Hobbit Day

Ice Cream Cone Day

International Day of Radiant Peace

National Centenarian’s Day

National Rock n’ Roll Dog Day

National Teach Ag Day

National White Chocolate Day

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 23

Checkers Day (Dogs in Politics Day)

Innergize Day

Love Note Day

Restless Legs Awareness Day (***As a sufferer, just let me say this day is completely unnecessary. There is now way you are not aware that you have Restless Legs. They will not be ignored.)

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 24

Family Health and Fitness Day USA

Fish Amnesty Day

International Lace Day

International Rabbit Day

Kids Day (Kiwanis)

National Hunting and Fishing Day

National Familial Hypercholesterolemia Day

National Museum Day

National Public Lands Day

National Seat Check Saturday

Nickelodeon’s Worldwide Day of Play

Punctuation Day

Schwenkfelder Thanksgiving

R.E.A.D. In America Day

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 25

Bright Pink Lipstick Day

Gold Star Mother’s Day

International Day of the Deaf

Math Story Telling Day

National One-Hit Wonder Day

National Psychotherapy Day

National Research Administrators Day

Ataxia Awareness Day

World Pharmacists Day

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 26

Family Day – Be Involved. Stay Involved.

Johnny Appleseed Day

National Dumpling Day

Shamu the Whale Day

Situation Awareness Day

World Contraception Day

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 27

Ancestor Appreciation Day

Google’s Birthday

National Voter Registration Day

National Women Road Warrior Day

World Tourism Day

ON THIS DAY

1870: Victor Emmanuel II, the first king of modern Italy, seized the Papal States from the French.

1881: Chester A. Arthur was sworn in as the 21st president of the United States, succeeding James A. Garfield, who had been assassinated.

1973: Billie Jean King beat Bobby Riggs in a battle of the sexes tennis match.

1993: The Georgia state parole board probated the sentence of a 17-year-old boy, who was given three years in prison for stealing ice cream bars from a rural school. The youth had served 10 days in jail before being released on bail.

1998: Baltimore Oriole shortstop Cal Ripken, Jr., sat out a game, ending his consecutive game playing streak. Ripken played 2,632 consecutive games over 16 seasons.

2000: Independent Counsel Robert Ray announced the end of the Whitewater investigation, saying there was insufficient evidence to charge President Clinton and his wife, Hillary.

2001: President George W. Bush addressed the nation and a joint session of Congress about terrorism. He also named Tom Ridge as head of the new Office of Homeland Security.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1224: On or about this date, on Italy’s secluded Mount Alvernia, Francis of Assisi reportedly prayed, “O Lord, I beg of you two graces before I die—to experience in myself in all possible fullness the pains of your cruel passion, and to feel for you the same love that made you sacrifice yourself for us.” Soon his heart was filled with both joy and pity, and wounds appeared on his hands, feet, and side. He reportedly carried these scars (called stigmata) until his death in 1226.

1565: Spanish sea captain Menendez reportedly wipes out French Huguenots in Florida.

1883: Albrecht Alt, German Lutheran scholar of the Old Testament, is born in Stuebach, Bavaria. His book Biblia Hebraica, which he edited with R. Kittel, became the standard critical text of the Old Testament for Bible students.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actress (“3rd Rock From The Sun”) Kristen Johnston 49 (audio clip)

  • Actor (Beowulf, The I Scream Man, Back to the Future) Crispin Glover, 52

  • Actor (Midnight Caller, Brady Bunch Movie’s Mike Brady) Gary Cole, 59

  • actress (El Cid, Grumpier Old Men) Sophia Loren 82

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1924 : Gogi Grant

1947 : Chuck Panozzo (Styx)

1966 : Nuno Bettencourt (Extreme)

1967 : Matthew and Gunnar Nelson (Nelson)

1968 : Ben Shepherd (Soundgarden)

1979 : Rick Woolstenhulme (Lifehouse)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

What fish travels 800 miles backward?

When Chinook salmon fry are first hatched, they cling to the pebbles and rocks of the high mountain streams where their parents laid their eggs. For a whole year and sometimes two, the fingerling salmon live in the cold waters of the high rocky mountains.

When they are about five inches long (12 cm) the young fish allow themselves to be carried downstream, but their current-fighting instinct keeps them facing upstream. They complete the entire journey to the Pacific Ocean backwards, swimming upstream but moving downstream.

The 800-mile (1300 km) backward journey is only the first challenge the salmon must face. They must stay alive in the ocean, growing strong and fat. They then must retrace their path, swimming upstream to the same cold mountain creek where they were born, to mate and begin the cycle again.

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE! Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

A video that went viral on Facebook had an Ellie Holcomb connection. Ellie posted this weekend: Moved to tears as I watched 450 kids from my highschool serenade a teacher just before he lost his battle with cancer. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=gVyIlVzA1Ng

South Carolina’s NeedToBreathe is currently on their Tour De Compadres, featuring 53 dates across the U.S. This week Bear called in from the road, talking with Billboard about taking chances, how he thinks the genre has changed, and why the only souvenir he looks for in every city is a wooden animal. Read the entire interview at http://www.billboard.com/articles/columns/rock/7502764/needtobreathe-tour-essentials.

MercyMe’s Bart Millard posted a picture from the ballpark this weekend but the rest of the fans were noticeably absent. Bart posted: Miles is so excited about his first game, we got here a little early. They haven’t even chalked the field yet. https://www.instagram.com/p/BKdXUdbjBGE/

Hawk Nelson frontman Jon Steingard: I think this election season is a pretty decent time to be Canadian.

Cal from Sidewalk Prophets is known for not tweeting. This weekend he broke his silence, issuing His obligatory thank you for helping him reach 1000 Twitter followers. However, don’t expect many follow-up tweets. Cal added: I can’t promise to not continue not tweeting. In fact, Cal admitted that he had been forced to tweet the thank-you note.

Good news from Jesse Garcia of Building 429. He posted over the weekend: For those wondering about me and my leg..I am doing much better..off the cane and down to a slight limp. In late August the Building 429 guitarist missed a step and fell nine feet from the stage in the middle of one of their songs.

A special night for Big Daddy Weave late last week. Band members report that bass player Jay Weaver showed up and played with the band. They said: Such an amazing time. It felt great to have him on stage even if it was just for one night. Jay is still recovering from the amputation of both feet earlier this summer.

The daughter in law of Steven Curtis Chapman is hoping to finish strong. Jillian Edwards is wrapping up a fund raiser for her new album. With about a week to go, Jillian is 16 percent from her goal. Find out more about her new music at http://www.pledgemusic.com/projects/jillianedwards.

Jamie Grace is ready for Christmas. She shared what she called “a happy moment” from the weekend. Jamie said: we just passed a house already decorated for Christmas.  (PHONER: How early is “too early” to decorate for Christmas?)

Nashville is in the middle of a gas shortage but Christian artist Jenny Simmons had a good reason for pursuing her search for fuel. She posted: because I’m not into home births or ambulance bills, I’m gonna need to find a Nashville gas station that has some fuel left. Know of a place?

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. As on ONAIRprep subscriber, you can get a fully-produced, customized version of the Daily Dose of Weird News FREE with a station or show specific tag! Email darren@onairprep.com for details!)

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

A record 5.9 million US jobs are currently open. Unfortunately for some jobseekers, many of those jobs are high tech and require extensive training.  *** And no, Billy… catching all of the Pokemon does not count as “extensive training.”

In the Netherlands a Muslim woman fined for driving while using her phone claims she was using it to listen to the Koran to help cure her toothache. The driving violation was captured by a film crew shooting a documentary called Road Offenders.  ***She should’ve been listening to the Bible, because it says “The Tooth Will Set You Free!”  No, wait… that’s not right…

A 70-year-old man robbed a bank so that he would no longer have to live with his wife. ***Leaving the ball and chain… for a ball and chain.

Police in Pennsylvania stopped a weaving car. When it pulled over, the man sitting in the driver’s seat was eating a giant sandwich with both hands. The man sitting in the passenger’s seat told the officer sorry, but the weaving was his fault since he was steering while his buddy was eating.  *** It wouldn’t have been so bad if he wasn’t also texting at the time.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

New research suggests that a gene linked to wet, sticky earwax and excessive underarm odor may be an indicator of higher breast cancer risk. The Japanese study may give doctors another tool for predicting breast cancer risk. The researchers arrived at their conclusion by tracking a protein created by a gene called ABCC11, which is associated with breast cancer.  The ear wax and odor problems “may become lifesaving clues to the early detection and treatment of breast cancer.  ***MARLAR: Assuming your doctor can stomach being close enough to examine you, you waxy, smelly freak.

A Scandinavian study suggests that getting drunk increases the risk for violent behavior in people who have a strong tendency to suppress their feelings of anger when sober.  *** And in other news of the obvious…

Scientists were shocked to find sharks swimming in an underwater active volcano.  ***Coming this summer to SyFy – SHARKANO!

Depending on the specific model, your car loses 1-2% fuel efficiency for every 100 pounds of extra weight in the car. That’s a surprising amount that can really add up. Experts say cleaning out the junk in your trunk, the back seat, etc., can save you $35 or more a year in fuel costs.  ***MARLAR: Another suggestion is, when driving to work, leave your body at home.

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Girl Scout Cookies”

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Kerri Pomarolli, “Bargain Savvy Holiday Inn”

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TUESDAY’S EPISODE


OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, all of the animals were excited at the possibility of having our next As the Jungle Turns story be about them. Unfortunately, everyone thinks the story should be about them, specifically. Everyone wants to be the star! And you just know that’s going to cause some problems, and suddenly…

CLOSE: It sounds like a really terrible, awful, disgusting, ugly, smelly, terrifying creature… maybe. Who left the giant footprints? Tune in next time – As the Jungle Turns!

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF SEPTEMBER 24/25

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, all of the animals were excited at the possibility of having our next As the Jungle Turns story be about them. Unfortunately, everyone thinks the story should be about them, specifically. Everyone wants to be the star! And you just know that’s going to cause some problems, and suddenly…

CLOSE: It sounds like a really terrible, awful, disgusting, ugly, smelly, terrifying creature… maybe. Who left the giant footprints? Tune in next time – As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

A doctor in Rochester, NH, has been reprimanded for telling an overweight patient that she was endangering her health.

The woman wrote to the state medical board to complain about Dr TERRY BENNETT, who insists he’s just doing his job.  Bennett says he’s given the same lecture to many obese patients, and he’s not happy. He tells the Manchester Union Leader: “Did I have an affair with a patient?  Did I give somebody drugs? Was I careless? No. End of story.”  He wrote a letter of apology to the woman but that wasn’t enough for the medical board, which referred the case to the Attorney General’s Office. They tried to get him to attend a medical education course and admit he was wrong. He refused.  Many patients have come to Bennett’s defense, signing petitions and writing letters. MELINDA HANEY started the petition drive and says, “What really makes me angry is he told the truth. How can you punish somebody for that?” Haney says Bennett gave her the same advice and at first, she didn’t wanna listen. “I have been in this lady’s shoes. I’ve been angry and left his practice. I mean, in-my-car-taking-off angry,” Haney said. “But once you think about it, you’re angry at yourself, not Dr Bennett. He’s the messenger. He’s telling you what you already know.”  Result: he’s helped her lose 150 pounds. Bennett says simply, “I told a fat woman she was obese. I tried to get her attention. I told her you need to get on a program, join a group of like-minded people and peel off the weight that is going to kill you.”

TOP TEN

TOP TEN TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED

10. Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

9. There’s always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking about how nice it is that wrinkles don’t hurt.

8. Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

7. The best way to keep teenagers at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere… and let the air out of their tires.

6. Families are like fudge … mostly sweet with quite a few nuts.

5. Middle age is when you choose cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

4. The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.

3. If you can remain calm, you don’t have all the facts.

2. Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

1. You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

A 63-year-old woman attempting to flee from police in Baker County, Florida, accidentally ran herself over with her own van.

FILE #1: Sheriff Joey Dobson said that when 63-year-old Mary B. Davis attempted to leave the scene of a domestic dispute, she crashed into a riding lawnmower and fell from her vehicle, which then ran her over. The accident happened after Davis nearly hit a deputy with her van as he was standing by the driver’s door. The officer was able to jump out of the way and avoid injury. Davis sustained non-life-threatening injuries.

FILE #2: A 20-year-old Forth Worth, Texas, woman is faced an aggravated assault charge after she bit her boyfriend, broke a picture frame across his face, and swung at him with a sword during an argument over his refusal to do the dishes. The woman was arrested at the couple’s apartment.

FILE #3: Gregory Roberts made it really easy for the police. After breaking into a New Mexico library, he called 911. Roberts found himself in a bit of a predicament after smashing a window to gain entry into the Branigan Library. Wandering inside the library, Roberts got himself trapped between the outer and inner doors of the foyer, with no way of getting out. He eventually had to call police from a pay phone to come get him out. It’s not clear as to what he was trying to do breaking into the library. Sgt. Joel Cano jokingly said, “Sometimes, late night studying just doesn’t pay.” ***MARLAR: Police are planning on throwing the book at him.

STRANGE LAW: If a child burps during a church service in Omaha, Nebraska, his or her parents may be arrested.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

You never call 911 to ask police for a ride home. Especially if you’re drunk. Especially if you’re using a stolen phone. Especially if you’re the one who stole the phone.

A 29 year-old Duluth, Minnesota man called police for a ride home on a cell phone he found inside a purse he’d just snatched.  The man approached a woman at a pool hall and asked for a cigarette, then grabbed the purse as she was opening it and ran off. Less than 90 minutes later, the suspect called police on the woman’s cell phone to say he had been jumped. The arresting officer said that the man had not been jumped but rather was intoxicated and wanted a ride home.

PHONER PHUN

Does your family have any fun traditions that take place around the dinner table?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: What do you have that Cain, Abel, and Seth never had?
ANSWER: Grandparents

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: The word “galaxy” comes from the Greek word for what?

ANSWER: Milk

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. Aztec emperor Montezuma drank 50 golden goblets of hot chocolate every day. (True – it was thick, dyed red and flavored with chili peppers.)

2. A notch in a tree will continue to rise as the tree grows, even going into the branches. (False – the notch will remain the same distance from the ground as the tree grows.)

3. According to the Guinness Book of World Records, the largest fruit can be as heavy as 44 lbs. (True – the single-seeded fruit of the giant fan palm, or Lodoicea maldivica, can weigh 44 lbs. Commonly known as the double coconut or coco de mer, it is found wild only in the Seychelles in the Indian Ocean.)

4. Coffee was once used to treat gout. (True – advertisements for coffee in London in 1657 claimed that the beverage was a cure for scurvy, gout and other ills.)

5. The soy bean is the oldest, most widely cultivated and extensively used nuts in the world. (False – that honor belongs to the almond.)

6. Americans eat more bananas than any other fruit. (True – a total of 11 billion bananas a year.)

7. Speaking of banans, they aren’t really fruits – but vegetables. (False. They’re not vegetables or fruits – they are actually herbs. Bananas die after fruiting, like all herbs do.)

8. Arrowroot, an antidote for poisoned arrows, is also used in some recipes. (True – it’s used as a thickener in cooking.)

9. Avocados have the highest calories of any fruit. (True – 167 calories per hundred grams.)

10. Most of the world’s olives are grown in Italy. (False – 70 to 80 percent of all ripe olives are grown in California’s approximately 35,000 acres. In the 1700s, Franciscan monks brought olives to Mexico and then into California by way of the missions. The first cuttings were planted in 1769 at the San Diego Mission. Commercial cultivation of California olives began in the late 1800s. Today, anywhere from 80,000 to 160,000 tons of olives are produced in California each year.)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

______ BUYS $40 MILLION ESTATE IN HAWAII (OBAMA)

President Obama and his wife just closed on a mansion in Hawaii and plan to move – in January 2017!

Barack and Michelle Obama will be moving to Hawaii in January of 2017.  They have just purchase an estate in close proximity to land owned by the University of Hawaii. The estate is valued at $40 million.

“They want the kids to attend high school in Hawaii, and they want to be as far away from Washington as possible,” said a source in the White House.

Michelle does not want to move back to Chicago and its winters and Michelle’s mother, who’s been living in the White House with her daughter and her family, is “absolutely thrilled” to be relocating to Hawaii.

In fact, Michelle Obama’s mother, Marian Robinson, has been bragging about getting to live in Hawaii next, in a $40 million beachfront mansion after leaving the White House.  ”It was fun while it lasted”, Miss Marion is quoted by Chicagoans as saying, “but wait until you see the place they’re buying for Michelle and Barack!”

Joe Biden was also interested in buying a house in Hawaii, but the Obamas are encouraging him to find a place in Florida.  “Joe will be much happier there and the Obamas… well, they’ve seen enough of Joe,” said a source in the White House.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals went to Maimonides Hospital in Brooklyn and took his portable keyboard along. He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients’ bedsides.

When he finished he said, in farewell, “I hope you get better.”

One elderly gentleman replied, “I hope you get better, too.”

JOKE #2

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut but the barber refused saying “you do God’s work.” The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.

A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying “you protect the public.”  The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.

A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying “you serve the justice system.”  The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a haircut.

JOKE #3

The sheriff of a small town was also the town’s veterinarian. One 
night the phone rang, and his wife answered.

An agitated voice 
inquired, “Is your husband there?”

“Do you require his services as a sheriff or as a vet?” the wife 
asked.

“Both!” was the reply. “We can’t get our dog’s mouth open, and
there’s a burglar in it.”

USELESS FACTS

Off the coast of Australia a new rare and beautiful species of dolphin has been discovered .  ***MARLAR: Early reports say it tastes like chicken.

Flamingos are able to fly at a speed of approximately 34 miles per hour.  In one night they can travel over 370 miles.  ***MARLAR: Except for the pink ones – which seem to never move from my neighbor’s back yard.

FEATURED FUNNIES

BIBLE VERSIONS
A ten-year-old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible.  Then one day she floored her grandmother by asking, “Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus: the Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?”

WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR DINNER?
Two little boys were visiting their grandfather and he took them to a restaurant for lunch.  They couldn’t make up their minds about what they wanted to eat.  Finally the grandfather grinned at the server and said, “Just bring them bread and water.”
One of the little boys looked up and quavered, “Can I have ketchup on it?”

OLD AS DIRT
You know you’re old when you have owned an album for 4 or more decades in 5 different formats.
In 1978 – 8-track tape.
In 1983 – cassette tape.
In 1987 – vinyl.
In 1994 – CD
In 2008 – MP3

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

Want to know how to bring a little levity to the courtroom?

British magistrate Hector Graham was about to pass sentence in his courtroom in Luton, England, when his musical tie, a gift from his wife, came to life. “He had arrived at the part about how serious an offense it was that the defendant had committed when all of a sudden ‘Santa Claus Is Coming to Town’ started up,” a court spokesman said. “He didn’t have a clue how to stop it and was extremely embarrassed, especially because after that, it went into two more Christmas-time songs and finished with ‘We Wish You a Merry Christmas.'” ***MARLAR: All rise… and boogie!

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

A DIFFERENT KIND OF PRAYER
Heavenly Father, Help us remember that the jerk who cut us off in traffic last night is a single mother who worked nine hours that day and is rushing home to cook dinner, help with homework, do the laundry and spend a few precious moments with her children.
Help us to remember that the pierced, tattooed, disinterested young man who can’t make change correctly is a worried 19-year-old college student, balancing his apprehension over final exams with his fear of not getting his student loans for next semester.
Remind us, Lord, that the scary looking bum, begging for money in the same spot every day (who really ought to get a job!) is a slave to addictions that we can only imagine in our worst nightmares.
Help us to remember that the old couple walking annoyingly slow through the store aisles and blocking our shopping progress are savoring this moment, knowing that, based on the biopsy report she got back last week, this will be the last year that they go shopping together.
Heavenly Father, remind us each day that, of all the gifts you give us, the greatest gift is love. It is not enough to share that love with those we hold dear. Open our hearts not to just those who are close to us, but to all humanity.
Let us be slow to judge and quick to forgive, show patience, empathy and love.

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

SIN OF THE SKIN
Read: Ephesians 2:11-22
Do not hold the faith of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Lord of glory, with partiality. –James 2:1
Most people hate to be accused of racism. But racial bias is all too prevalent. Even Christians have had a long history of ethnic prejudice. In the first century, Jewish believers were reluctant to accept their Gentile brothers. In recent years, racial discrimination has been a dominant issue.
Prejudice can run so deep that it sometimes takes a tragedy to make a person see how wrong it is to discriminate on the basis of physical differences. Several years ago I read about a bigoted truckdriver who had no use for African-Americans. But one early morning, his tanker truck flipped over and burst into flames. A week later, he was lying in a hospital bed and looking into the face of a black man who had saved his life. He learned that the man had used his own coat and bare hands to smother the flames that had turned the trucker into a human torch. He wept as he thanked the man for his act of unselfish heroism.
We shouldn’t need a tragedy to open our eyes. We need only look to Calvary. There our Lord gave His life for people of every language, race, and nation.
The universal scope of His sacrifice shows His love for every human being.
Have mercy on us, Lord, if we have fanned the fire of prejudice that You died to put out.

LEFTOVERS

SOMETHING FISHY GOING ON

A boat is put out of action, because of small fish.

A car ferry in Finland has been put out of action. No, it didn’t run out of gas. No, it didn’t crash… it simply was attacked by a school of tiny fish. Engineers said the tiny fish swam through two sets of filters before clogging up the engine’s cooling system. Engines on board the Sila Symphony failed and the vessel was plunged into darkness. A spokesman said “The ship was at open sea and the sea was calm so there was no emergency. Everything was under control.”

LIFE… LIVE IT

HOW TO IMPROVE YOUR HEALTH IN JUST 5 MINUTES

(National Examiner) Got five minutes to spare? Use the time to improve your health by practicing one of these 10 top tips:

  • Correct Posture — Sitting at your desk, adjust the height of your chair so that your forearms are parallel to the floor when using a keyboard. Your thighs should be at right angles to your body.
  • Tea Time — Two cups of tea a day can halve the risk of heart disease and prevent strokes. The phytochemicals in tea contain antioxidants that knock out free radicals that can lead to cancer.
  • Brush Right — To fend off gum disease, brush and floss twice a day. Use short horizontal strokes, and follow up with mouthwash to make sure you get all the plaque.
  • Juice It — A glass of orange juice is the easiest way to get one of the five recommended daily servings of fruits and veggies and it’s packed with vitamin C.
  • Deep Breaths — Shallow breathing can lead to increased risk of infection in the lower lungs and high blood pressure. Deep breathing increases oxygen in the blood, calms nerves and lowers the heart rate.
  • Rent a Comedy — Having a good laugh can improve overall health and boost levels of immunoglobulin, an antibody that helps fight infections. It can also lower blood pressure.
  • Treat Your Feet — Wash your feet every day, and dry thoroughly, especially between the toes. Apply a moisturizing cream but not between the toes, because moisture leads to athlete’s foot.
  • Stretch — If you don’t stretch a muscle after a workout, it won’t be able to refuel with the right nutrients, and the muscle fibers won’t fall back into place.
  • Phone a Friend — Getting in touch with friends and family is an effective way of beating depression and can help you recover from illness sooner.
  • Pet Your Pet — Stroking your kitty or pooch lowers your heat rate and blood pressure, and can improve your chances of survival after a serious illness of surgery.

JUST FOR FUN

TURTLE CROSSING

We’ve heard of pedestrian crossings, cattle crossings, deer crossings… and now in Nebraska you might see a sign for a turtle crossing!

Now there are spots designated for turtle crossings at a wildlife refuge in Nebraska. To preserve rare Branding’s turtles, officials in north-central Nebraska have put up chain link fences to help herd them under U.S. Highway 83. Blanding’s turtles can live up to 70 years. They are listed nationally as a species of special concern, which means they could be headed for extinction or endangered status.  ***MARLAR: If these turtles can live for 70 years, maybe someone can teach them to use a crosswalk.

FUN LIST

LET’S FALL IN LOVE

What Happens When You Fall In Love With…

  • A chef? (You get buttered up.)

  • A chauffeur? (You get taken for a ride.)

  • A gambler? (He cheats on you.)

  • A telephone operator? (He gives you a phone-y line.)

  • A trash man? (He dumps you.)

  • A clockmaker? (He two-times you.)

  • A pastry cook? (He desserts you.)

  • A shoe salesman? (He walks all over you.)

  • An elevator operator? (He lets you down.)

  • An artist? (He gives you the brush.)

  • A jogger? (He gives you the run-around.)

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

TV DINNER

Watching too much TV is bad for your brain and your body, but Canadian researchers have discovered that the TV can also lead to an increase in food consumption. The University of Toronto found that kids who watched TV while eating lunch took in 228 extra calories than those who ate without the TV on. ***MARLAR: This is really bad for me because sometimes I’ll watch like three televisions at once!

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

Open Doors Youth is designating November 18-20 as Blackout 2016. They organization is encouraging 48 hours without Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Snapchat, WhatsApp, Spotify and anything else you do online. The goal is to bring hope to the Middle East by joining the Blackout and getting sponsored to give up all things digital for a weekend. Instead, spend your time before God praying for silenced and hidden Christians in Iraq and Syria. Think you can do it… and survive?  Learn more at http://bit.ly/2bTBv7E.

A former Atlanta fire chief who lost his job for standing on his Christian principles has been honored by the nation’s most prominent Christian media association. The National Religious Broadcaster’s gave Kelvin Cochran its 2016 Faith and Freedom Award for standing strong in the face of religious persecution. In 2014, Atlanta Mayor Kasim Reed received complaints about a men’s devotional book Cochran had written. In the devotional, Cochran included a passage on the biblical views on sex, including a statement against homosexuality. Mayor Reed ordered Cochran to complete a “sensitivity training” and later fired him for “discrimination.”  Read this man’s story of faith and commitment at http://go.cbn.com/12749.

Five-year-old Royce Thompson was running late for kindergarten one morning, but that didn’t stop him from taking a moment to honor God and his country. Even though he was late, Thompson stopped outside the school entrance and bowed his head. He recited the Pledge of Allegiance with his hand over his heart and then began praying for America. When his mom asked her son why he stopped to pray and say the Pledge of Allegiance, Thompson had a simple reply: “Duh, mom. It’s what you’re supposed to do.”  Read the whole story and get a smile at http://go.cbn.com/12526.

Fayetteville Christian School’s senior class is already making year-end preparation, but it’s not for prom, graduation, or college. Students entering their last year are making plans to return to a southern African nation to build a home for 30 orphans. The idea was birthed after the annual senior trip opened their eyes to the needs in Swaziland last year. The school hopes to raise $16,000 for the project by next spring.  Now THAT is a school field trip worth financing!  Get the details at http://go.cbn.com/12751.

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Standing in the middle of the road is dangerous. You will get knocked down by the traffic from both directions.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

SEPTEMBER 16, 2016…

Blair Witch—In 1999, “Blair Witch” was a runaway hit.  Now, it is present day, and a brother of one of the characters of the first film, decides to go into the same woods and see if he can find anything.  The original people are still missing. The cast includes Callie Hernandez and Corbin Reid. “Blair Witch” is rated R. No rating.

Operation Avalanche—Here is another film with the premise of “found footage” dealing with a dramatic event. There is a cover-up here. Stars Matt Johnson and Josh Bales. “Operational Avalanche” is rated R. No rating.

Bridget Jones’s Baby—Part Three of the saga of Bridget Jones, as played by Rene Zellweger and this time around she is pregnant.  Who is the father? Colin Firth? Patrick Dempsey? Bridget has been busy, but Zellweger has not, as this is her first major film in five years. “Bridget Jones’s Baby” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

Snowden—Joseph Gordon-Levitt stars as Edward Snowden in this film directed by Oliver Stone. What happened, how it happened and with Zachary Quinto (“Star Trek” films) as reporter Glenn Greenwald. “Snowden” is rated PG 13. No rating.

SEPTEMBER 23, 2016…

The Magnificent Seven is a remake of the famous western with William Holden. This time, Denzel Washington is the leader and other stars are Chris Pratt and Ethan Hawke.

Storks is an animated film about whether storks really deliver babies or not. Voices of Andy Samberg and Kelsey Grammar. A comedy.

The Dressmaker stars Kate Winslet as a woman who returns to an Australian town to open a dress shop.

The Hollars is finally opening and written and starring John Krasinski from “The Office.” Concerns a dysfunctional family.

Beauty and the Beast is yet another version of the famous tale. Stars Vincent Cassel and Lea Seydroux.

Goat stars Nick Jonas as a student who tries to get his brother into a fraternity.

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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.