September 22, 2016: Thursday ONAIRprep

***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS – FREE TO AIR! (Need to receive this earlier than when it’s posted? Get FTP access and receive a fully-produced version FREE with a customized tag specifically for your station or show! Contact me with your ONAIRprep username for details!)

AND NOW… ON WITH THE SHOW!

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20160922

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

I just got junk mail in my mailbox from an organization that wants me to save the forest. I sent them back a letter telling them to stop sending me the junk mail which is printed on paper from the forest. That should take care of the problem.

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“Do not fear, little flock, for it is your Father’s good pleasure to give you the kingdom. Sell what you have and give alms; provide yourselves money bags which do not grow old, a treasure in the heavens that does not fail, where no thief approaches nor moth destroys. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. –Luke 12:32-34

The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance. –2 Peter 3:9

Jesus replied, “If anyone loves me, he will obey my teaching. My Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him.” — John 14:23

God “will give to each person according to what he has done.” To those who by persistence in doing good seek glory, honor and immortality, he will give eternal life. — Romans 2:6-7

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

Then a cloud appeared and enveloped them, and a voice came from the cloud: “This is my Son, whom I love. Listen to him!” — Mark 9:7

Thought: Who are you listening to in your life? We can hear all sorts of different voices, but we can follow only one. So who are you going to listen to as you make your decisions about morality, values, ethics, and character? Who has earned the right to be heard regarding life, death, salvation, and sin? God makes it unmistakably clear; we must listen to his Son Jesus!

Prayer: Almighty God, please help me silence the voices of doubt, deception, and demagoguery that surround me. Help me hear the voice of Jesus and follow him and obey your will in all things no matter what everyone else around may choose to do. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

Luke 9:22 NIV = And he said, “The Son of Man must suffer many things and be rejected by the elders, chief priests and teachers of the law, and he must be killed and on the third day be raised to life.”

TODAY IS THURSDAY – SEPTEMBER 22, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
99 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is DEAR DIARY DAY, a day to feel better by putting it on paper.  ***MARLAR: I never kept a diary… that’s more of girl thing, isn’t it?

Today is ELEPHANT APPRECIATION DAY.  ***MARLAR: So, if you happen to come across one while driving down the road, be nice.

Today is FISH AMNESTY DAY, a day to give fish a break by not fishing. ***MARLAR: And don’t think they don’t know about today, because they do. They can read… why else would they have schools?

Today is NO ARTIFICIAL SWEETENERS DAY. ***MARLAR: Which is fine, because on this show I am legitimately sweet.

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

American Business Women’s Day

Autumn Equinox (Fall begins) 10:21am EDT

Car Free Day

Chainmail Day

Dear Diary Day

Elephant Appreciation Day

Hobbit Day

Ice Cream Cone Day

International Day of Radiant Peace

National Centenarian’s Day

National Rock n’ Roll Dog Day

National Teach Ag Day

National White Chocolate Day

COMING UP NEXT

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 23

Checkers Day (Dogs in Politics Day)

Innergize Day

Love Note Day

Restless Legs Awareness Day (***As a sufferer, just let me say this day is completely unnecessary. There is now way you are not aware that you have Restless Legs. They will not be ignored.)

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 24

Family Health and Fitness Day USA

Fish Amnesty Day

International Lace Day

International Rabbit Day

Kids Day (Kiwanis)

National Hunting and Fishing Day

National Familial Hypercholesterolemia Day

National Museum Day

National Public Lands Day

National Seat Check Saturday

Nickelodeon’s Worldwide Day of Play

Punctuation Day

Schwenkfelder Thanksgiving

R.E.A.D. In America Day

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 25

Bright Pink Lipstick Day

Gold Star Mother’s Day

International Day of the Deaf

Math Story Telling Day

National One-Hit Wonder Day

National Psychotherapy Day

National Research Administrators Day

Ataxia Awareness Day

World Pharmacists Day

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 26

Family Day – Be Involved. Stay Involved.

Johnny Appleseed Day

National Dumpling Day

Shamu the Whale Day

Situation Awareness Day

World Contraception Day

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 27

Ancestor Appreciation Day

Google’s Birthday

National Voter Registration Day

National Women Road Warrior Day

World Tourism Day

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 28

Banned Websites Awareness Day

Fish Tank Floorshow Night

National Drink Beer Day

National Good Neighbor Day

International Right To Know Day

World Rabies Day

National Women’s Health & Fitness Day

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 29

MAGS Day

Mutation Day

National Biscotti Day

National Attend Your Grandchild’s Birth Day

International Coffee Day

VFW Day

World Heart Day

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 30

Ask a Stupid Question Day

Blasphemy Day

Hug a Vegetarian Day

International Translation Day

National Mulled Cider Day

Save The Koala Day

Support Purple For Platelets Day

Vegan Baking Day

ON THIS DAY

1776: Nathan Hale was hanged by the British as a spy during the Revolutionary War.

1789: Congress authorized the office of Postmaster-General.

1792: The French Republic was proclaimed.

1862: President Abraham Lincoln issued the preliminary Emancipation Proclamation, proposing to free all slaves of rebel states as of Jan. 1, 1863.

1951: A Stockholm court fined a sailor for kissing his girlfriend in public. The court called the offense “obnoxious behavior repulsive to public morals.”

1955: James Dean completed his final work on film, the “last supper” scene in “Giant.” Eight days later he died in an auto crash.

1969: San Francisco Giants’ star Willie Mays belted his 600th career home run during a game in San Diego.

1976: “Charlie’s Angels” debuted on ABC-TV. The crime drama starred Kate Jackson as Sabrina Duncan, Farrah Fawcett-Majors as Jill Munroe, and Jaclyn Smith as Kelly Garrett. David Doyle was Bosley, and John Forsythe was the voice of Charlie Townsend. Cheryl Ladd, Shelly Hack, and Tanya Roberts replaced departing angels during the show’s five-year run. (audio clip)

1980: Laura Ingalls got married on “Little House on the Prairie.” (audio clip)

1980: The Persian Gulf conflict between Iran and Iraq erupted into full-scale war.

1988: Football players struck the NFL, but club owners hired new players and kept playing. The strike lasted 24 days.

1988: In a village in South Sumatra, two women believed to have died and been buried by robbers crawled out of their grave to report the crime.

1989: Songwriter Irving Berlin died in New York City at age 101.

1991: Officials at the Kenai, Alaska, airport completed installation of a $6,800 moose security system. Seems they had a serious problem with moose traffic.

1994: The comedy “Friends” premiered on NBC-TV. (audio clip)

2001: A London theatre dropped plans to hire a duck for a show because it would have to pay a duck four times more than an actor.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1566: Johann Agricola (b. 1494), German theologian and reformer, dies. He became a friend of Martin Luther in 1519, though after 1540 the relationship deteriorated over the issue of the authority of Mosaic Law in believers’ and nonbelievers’ lives.

1692: Puritan magistrates hang the last 8 of 20 condemned witches are hanged in Salem, Massachusetts.

1734: The Confessors of the Glory of Christ, followers of 16th century Polish reformer Caspar Schwenckfeld, settle in the Pennsylvania Dutch countryside. In 1525 Schwenckfeld had traveled to Wittenberg to ask Martin Luther for an appointment, but found they disagreed on many issues. He became part of the Radical Reformation and Catholics and Protestants both persecuted him.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actress (Jumanji, The Green Mile, Cheaper By The Dozen, “The Bonnie Hunt Show”) Bonnie Hunt 55

  • actor (“Happy Days”, “Joanie Loves Chachi”, “Charles in Charge”) Scott Baio is 55 (audio clip)

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1930 : Joni James

1943 : Toni Basil

1949 : David Coverdale (Whitesnake, Deep Purple)

1956 : Debby Boone

1957 : Johnette Napolitano (Concrete Blonde)

1960 : Joan Jett

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

(edited from Creation Tips)

The oldest fossil ever has been found, and guess what? It looks EXACTLY the same as creatures alive today! Go figure!

It’s happened again. An “oldest” fossil has been discovered, and it’s pretty much the same as living critters. This time it is a tick (the parasite kind, not the clock kind). It was found in a vacant lot in New Jersey, believe it or not. Paleontologists (anti-creationists as well) say it is 90 million years old and is the oldest tick known. What’s so cool about this, and why is it good news to those of us that are creationists or intelligent-design believers? Well, many of these “oldest” fossil discoveries turn out to look like creatures living today. The oldest fossil bat looks like today’s bats. The oldest coelacanth fish looks like today’s coelancanths. The oldest tick was clearly enough like today’s ticks to be easily identified and classified. What this shows is that even using the evolutionists’ own time-scale, evolution hasn’t taken place. Ticks were clearly ticks back then, just as they are clearly ticks today. If no significant change has taken place, then evolution hasn’t taken place either, as we continue to point out to these evolutionist bozos. The creatures have reproduced “after their kind,” just as God, in the book of Genesis, said they would.

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE! Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

A rough travel day for Switchfoot this week. Front man Jon Foreman posted at the end of the day: Been one of those days. Roses smell better than compost, but every flower needs fertilizer. Hoping tonight smells better than today. Jon said their bus broke down, stranding them on the side of the road. However, it wasn’t all negative. He added that an “amazing female police officer” helped them fix the bus and their journey was able to continue.

Switchfoot is already having a lot of fun on their Looking for America tour with Reliant K. Earlier this week they hid the Melody League shirt worn by Jon on the first night of the tour. The guys made sure to mention that the shirt was washed before it was hidden. It took a number of hints before a follower of the band’s social media pages finally found the shirt in Amarillo, Texas.

Jimmy Needham is asking for your prayers. He posted: road blocks, opposition & hurdles keep coming as we move forward with our international adoption. Needing God’s favor!

Meredith Andrews is working on a new project but she isn’t sharing many details. Meredith posted a picture of she and her husband in clothing from the middles 70s and added: This is what we’d look like if we were around circa 1977. Not a typical day for us but SO FUN! Excited to share what we’re up to in the coming months. https://www.instagram.com/p/BKloOn7Aaw9/

Manny from Group 1 Crew is in New York this week and he says he’s having a blast. He posted this week: working on new music, loving my wife and simply enjoying the life God has given me.

Kerrie Roberts put it all in perspective this week. She posted: Total fail as far as blazing through my to do list today…but everyone in my house is safe, well and fed so I’m going to count that as one big check mark and be happy with that.

Phil Wickham says the 4th time is the charm. He posted a picture of their baby announcement cake and the frosting was blue. Phil is finally getting his boy.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BKjjmI1AaRg/

Hillary Scott had this to say when she learned her family’s song “Thy Will” was number one for a second straight week: Y’ALL! I am seriously stunned beyond words. Thank you for showing me more love and support than I ever thought was imaginable.

Casting Crowns Megan Garrett was enjoying a little break from normal life. She posted: Rainy Sunday afternoon nap. THAT was nice. I could get use to that. Then she added: now back to reality. (We’ve all been there, Megan!)

The Afters front man Josh Havens is enjoying the place God has him in right now. He posted: I can’t even begin to tell you how grateful I am to be able to do what I love and travel the world with these amazing guys! Thank you to all of you who make it possible through your support of our music!

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. As on ONAIRprep subscriber, you can get a fully-produced, customized version of the Daily Dose of Weird News FREE with a station or show specific tag! Email darren@onairprep.com for details!)

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

Twelve toys were picked as finalists for the National Toy Hall of Fame. Two or three will be inducted in November after a national committee reviews the selections. Some of the nominees are bubble wrap, Care Bears, pinball and Clue.  ***Wait a minute… bubble wrap?  A packing material is considered a toy?  Okay, yeah… I can see that.  It was definitely more fun to play than Clue.

Britney Spears recently revealed that she doesn’t listen to her own music.  ***Aaaaaand she’s not the only one.

Brunch-flavored candy corn is now a real thing. It’s available exclusively at Target this Halloween. There are three varieties: French toast, strawberry waffles, and chocolate-chip pancakes.  *** For the first time in my life I might actually be a fan of candy corn!

Famous primate expert Jane Goodall says that Donald Trump’s mannerisms remind her of the dominant behavior patterns of “male chimpanzees.”  ***People For The Ethical Treatment of Animals are suing in retaliation for Jane Goodall being that cruel to chimpanzees.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

A UK study finds that people lie about how much alcohol that they drink. ***Then again, maybe they just can’t remember.

Apparently there is a fast-growing market for positive pregnancy tests on the Internet. Some girls want to give their boyfriends a friendly little nudge into popping the question, it would seem. ***Now THERE is a sign of a healthy relationship!

A recent study says that people who get snubbed on Facebook feel a “less meaningful existence.” The study finds that the more Facebook likes and comments that a person receives, the more likely they are to feel positive about themselves. On the other hand, the fewer likes and comments responding to a person’s status reflected feelings of loneliness and low self-worth.  ***MARLAR: So, if you don’t mind – could you please like and share my Facebook posts?  I’m beginning to feel a less meaningful existence.

Stop wasting your money and buy generic like the smart kids do. A recent study (Tilburg University in the Netherlands and the University of Chicago) found 9 times out of 10 doctors buy generic aspirin over the brand-names and the majority of professional chefs buy generic, store-brand sugar and baking powder over the brand name ingredients. The study found Americans waste $44 billion a year on name brands when store brands cost half the price.  ***MARLAR: Beginning immediately, my show will now be named “The Generic Morning Show”.

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Fog Horns”

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Scott Gregory, “Tennis Grunting”

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THURSDAY’S EPISODE


OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, all of the animals were scared after finding what appeared to be five giant footprints from an unknown creature! They all began thinking it was a terrible, nasty, filthy, dangerous creature – maybe even a creature who’s favorite food is MONKEYS!

CLOSE: Wow… an “everything must go” sale! Brilliant! It’s going to be a lot easier to run away from a terrifying giant-footed monster if you don’t have to carry all your belongings with you while you’re running! Come to think of it… you can advertise here on the radio station. Just call 555/555-1212… ask for (local Sales Manager)… and we’ll get you started! Oh yeah… and tune in next time, for As the Jungle Turns!

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF SEPTEMBER 24/25

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, all of the animals were excited at the possibility of having our next As the Jungle Turns story be about them. Unfortunately, everyone thinks the story should be about them, specifically. Everyone wants to be the star! And you just know that’s going to cause some problems, and suddenly…

CLOSE: It sounds like a really terrible, awful, disgusting, ugly, smelly, terrifying creature… maybe. Who left the giant footprints? Tune in next time – As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

An IBM warning label makes it to today’s Moment of Duh!

The packaging for the IBM Compact Flash Microdrive declares on its packaging that it ”withstands a shock of 1500 G,” an enormous shock. But then, in that very same manual, it says: ”Warning-do not drop.”

TOP TEN

TOP TEN ACTUAL (AND STRANGE) ROAD SIGNS

10. Caution, water on road during rain.

9. Beware of children (Sounds like a Stephen King novel)

8. Stuff for sale here (Everybody needs more stuff)

7. Moose parts available (Run, Bullwinkle, run!)

6. Bridge Out. Open to all local traffic (Must be trying to reduce the local population)

5. Speed limit – 55, 65, 75 (Take your pick and take your chances)

4. Sherrill’s Eat Here & Get Gas (restaurant in Tipton, Indiana)

3. Diesel Fried Chicken (Sign on gas station)

2. Tattoo Charlies. . .done while you wait (What? I can’t just drop my arm off and come back after shopping?)

1. Spay or neuter your best friend (Sign at Veterinary office)

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

A thief in Germany was discovered when he fell asleep in a house he intended to steal from.

FILE #1: A 27-year-old thief broke into a house in Dortmund, Germany while the family who lived there were taking a vacation. But our would-be burglar fell asleep on a bed, and was discovered by a neighbor, who had come in to water the plants. The neighbor realized there had been a break-in, then heard snoring coming from an upstairs bedroom. The police woke the would-be burglar and took him away for questioning.

FILE #2: In Cedar Rapids, Iowa, a teenager pointed his BB pistol at the wrong car. The car stopped and the two undercover police officers inside pulled out their real .40-caliber Glock handguns.  They ordered 15-year-old Ryon Shelton to drop his gun.  Shelton said he was just “playing around” and trying to scare people during the Halloween night incident.

FILE #3: In Crestview, Florida, 48-year-old Donald Leon May entered an empty residence without permission and proceeded to take a shower. According to police reports, he entered the home through an unlocked back door. While in the shower, a boy–who thought his father was home– entered the bathroom and suddenly realized that wasn’t dad! May told the boy that President Obama let him in, and told the boy to leave. The boy went to a neighbor’s house to call the police. Police found May still in the house with nothing on but a towel wrapped around his waist. When questioned by police, May said, “The Yellow Brick Road brought him to Crestview.” So he was promptly arrested.

STRANGE LAW: In Utah, birds have the right of way on all highways.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

A man goes boating and drinking at the same time… NOT a good combination!

Drinking and driving is not only stupid, it’s dangerous. There’s a reason there are laws against it. There are also laws against drinking and boating. And here’s a prime example as to why that’s a valid law. A man who’d been drinking heavily decided to take his friend’s boat out, but fell asleep at the helm. He took off in Denmark… but ended up in Norway! The boat had crossed the entire Skagerrak Sea.

PHONER PHUN

Summer is just about over – are you sad to see it go, or are you excited for Fall to arrive? Why? Is there anything locally that you absolutely have to do do/attend before Summer disappears?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: There was a very rich man who was a disciple of Jesus. What was his name?
ANSWER: Joseph of Arimathea (Matthew 27)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: If you had a model Mark IV FM, what would you own?
ANSWER: You would own the atom bomb dropped on Nagasaki in 1945. The bomb was designated the Mark IV FM on its blueprints.

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. The planet Venus has the longest day in our solar system. (True)

2. The first atomic bomb exploded at Trinity Site, in Nevada. (False – Trinity Site is in New Mexico.)

3. All organic compounds contain carbon. (True)

4. Three astronauts manned each Apollo flight. (True)

5. Out of all the senses, taste is most closely linked to memory. (False – it’s smell.)

6. There are eight stars in the Big Dipper. (False, it’s seven stars.)

7. Dissolved salt makes up 3.5 percent of the oceans. (True)

8. Glaciers store about 75% of the world’s freshwater. (True – in Washington State alone, glaciers provide 470 billion gallons of water each summer.)

9. To an observer standing on Pluto, the sun would appear no brighter than our moon appears in our evening sky. (False – much smaller than that. The sun would probably appear more like what Venus looks like to us.)

10. Traveling at the speed of 186,000 miles per second, light take 6 hours to travel from Pluto to the earth. (True)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

STEVEN SEGAL ______ PUPPIES (SHOOTS)

ARIZONA – Steven Seagal whacked some puppies in his crimefighting reality show.

Jesus Sanchez Llovera claimed his puppies died during an early morning raid on his home by self-styled ‘Sheriff’ Seagal who was filming his reality show ’Steven Seagal: Lawman’.

Mr Llovera’s home in Arizona was set upon by volunteer officer Seagal and a local police chief as they believed he was running an illegal cockfighting ring.

Several of Llovera’s neighbors said that Seagal then came to their houses “looking for puppies to shoot.”

“He was out-of-control.  He wanted puppies and he wanted puppies dead,” said neighbor Junior Diaz.  “He tried to use Kung Fu on them or something.”

Apparently, some of the puppies fought back and one of them, Le Tigre, took Seagal to the mat and pinned him.

Robert Campus, Llovera’s attorney, believes the entire raid was staged to help actor Steven Seagal’s TV show, “Lawman.” Seagal was riding in the tank. The Sheriff’s Department has entered into a contract with Seagal and part of that contract gives Seagal carte blanche to go along with the sheriff as he arrests people.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

The tiresome jury selection process continued, each side hotly contesting and dismissing potential jurors.  Don O’Brian was called for his question session.

“Property holder?”

“Yes, I am, Your Honor.”

“Married or single?”

“Married for thirteen years, Your Honor.”

“Formed or expressed an opinion?”

“Not in thirteen years, Your Honor.”

JOKE #2

I am a very nervous flyer. During a trip from California to Indiana, it didn’t help that my connecting flight from Denver was delayed twice because of mechanical problems. Then, after we were aloft, I noticed the lights began flickering. I mentioned this to a flight attendant.

“I’ll take care of it,” she said. Moments later the lights went out. Clearly she’d solved the problem by turning off the lights.

A passenger across the aisle who had been listening leaned over and said, “Whatever you do, please don’t ask about the engines.”

JOKE #3

Joe and Joan were sitting down to their usual morning cup of coffee listening to the weather report on the radio.

“There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared,” the weather report said. 
”You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets.”

Joe said, “Okay,” and got up from his coffee.

The next day they were sitting down with their morning cups of coffee. The weather forecast was, “There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. 
You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets.”

Again Joe replied, “Darn… ” and got up from his coffee.

Two days later, again they’re sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast said, “There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the…” and the power went out and Joe didn’t get the rest of the instructions.

He turned to Joan, “Oh no, what am I going to do now, Joan? I don’t know which side of the street they need me to park on!”

Joan replied, “Aw, Joe, just leave the car in the garage today.”

USELESS FACTS

A survey by America Online found that the average American worker wastes over two hours a day.  ***MARLAR: Mostly spending time taking surveys from has-been entities like America Online.

Researchers have found unexpectedly huge differences in the genetic makeup of individual human beings — meaning the so-called genetic map may be way off. ***MARLAR: Not that male scientists stopped to look at the map or ask for directions anyway.

FEATURED FUNNIES

CHILDREN’S SERMON
During our church’s worship service, the pastor invites all the young children to join him near the altar for the “Children’s Moments Sermon.” One day, with seven small children in attendance, he spoke about the ingredients required to make up a church, using a chocolate-chip cookie as an example. He explained to the children that, as with a cookie requiring ingredients such as sugar and eggs, the church needed ingredients to make up the congregation. Holding a cookie aloft, he asked, “If I took the chocolate chips out of this cookie, what would I have?”
A shy six-year-old raised his hand.  “Six less grams of fat!”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

Bank robbers are kicking themselves right now for passing up what would’ve been the easiest bank robbery in history!

Shortly past midnight one Thursday in Argentina, an after-hours ATM user alerted police after finding the doors to the bank were left wide open. Police responded by surrounding the bank, suspecting a robbery was in progress. After an exhaustive search, police found no evidence that anyone entered the bank, and nothing was missing. The branch manager says that a bank employee replenishing cash to the ATM, prior to leaving work for the night, forgot to close the main door to the bank. The employee has been suspended.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

SOLD IT FOR SCRAP

I was watching television today and saw the Ford Taurus commercial. It was about a young boy that is involved in a car accident and calls home to tell his parents he was sorry about the damage to the car. The father told the boy not to worry about the car, as long as the boy was okay.

That commercial reminded me of my brother Eli. Eli was a drug addict back in 1980, and because he used the drugs in front of my kids (he wasn’t even supposed to have them in the house) I kicked him out and did not speak to him for 10 years.

In 1990, he ended up in jail for most of the year.  When he got out, he was clean and drug-free and returned to Georgia. I was leery of him coming back, especially around my children, but he was family and my mom asked me to at least be civil towards him. So I was.

Surprisingly, I introduced him to the missionaries from my church and, within two weeks, he became a member of my church. From that point on, he was the brother I remembered from my teen years.  He was honest, hard- working, and always thought about others.

Well, my dad owned a Gold Wing motorcycle that he cherished. One day, my brother needed a way to work and begged my dad to let him use the Gold Wing.  Reluctantly, my dad agreed. But he added the phrase: If you damage my motorcycle, you better not come back!

Eli never came back…

You see, on his way home from work that night, my brother was hit and killed by a motorist. The day after my brother died, my dad and I went to pick up the motorcycle from the police impound lot. We couldn’t believe our eyes. The motorcycle had received only a few minor scrapes.

That was when my dad said something that made me realize just how much he loved his children (he never said the words, I love you.) He said, “I would rather have my son back than this motorcycle.”

My dad sold that motorcycle for scrap two days after the funeral. He has not been on a motorcycle since.

That’s why I am so touched by the Ford Taurus commercial. That’s also why I have to tell everyone to forgive and forget. I didn’t speak to my brother for ten years, and then I was only allowed one year to make up for all the years I had missed.  He died exactly one year after joining my church. I never told him I forgive him.  I hope he knows that now.

–Kathy Grimes

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

“And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to which also you were called in one body; and be thankful”
–Col 3:15

“Be thankful.” Such a simple phrase, but what did Paul mean? Be thankful for what? To whom? Let’s think about it.

The first thing that comes to mind is to be thankful to God for giving us salvation through His Son, Jesus. That’s good. If it weren’t for that, our lives would really be meaningless. If there were no “eternity,” why would we spend so much time being “good?” Without salvation, what purpose would there be in living for anyone by yourself? We all know self-centered people. They tend to be miserable individuals — and no one really likes being around them. Yes, thank you Father that you have given us a reason to be “good.” Only in obeying your laws and accepting your free gift of grace through Jesus do we find “sanity.”

Next think about being thankful to others. Most of us know people who are good to us. Granted, some of us may have to search a little longer than others, but there are always those who love us and bless us with their goodness. How long has it been since you said “thank you?” Have you thanked your spouse lately? They give up a lot for you.

Have you thanked your parents, your children, your pastor(s), your teachers, your neighborhood policeman, your postman, your paper delivery person, the pizza delivery person, the cashier at the grocery store, the clerk at the bank? The list is endless.

Finally thank yourself. WHAT? Yes, thank yourself — for accepting salvation through Jesus — for marrying such a wonderful person — for your part in having such wonderful children. We need to develop a “thankful” spirit. One that will be gracious and kind in all circumstances — yes, even when you open that ugly tie that great aunt Paula gives you for Christmas. So what if it still has gravy stains on it from when uncle Paul was alive!

It’s the thought that counts. Be thankful in all things.

LEFTOVERS

HEADS UP

Teenagers in Bulgaria have come up with an unusual way of getting out of school. Getting head lice – intentionally.

Students have taken it upon themselves to create a head lice plague by infecting each other with the lice on purpose. They started it after they learned that infected students are required to stay home from school for three days. “This regulation, that was aimed at stopping head lice spreading, appears to have worked against us, especially when there are a lot of exams,” says an education spokesman.

LIFE… LIVE IT

NINE THINGS TEACHERS WISH PARENTS KNEW

Parents, do you wonder what it takes to help your kids do their very best at school? Good Housekeeping went into classrooms at schools around the country and talked to the teachers who spend their days with your children. Here’s what they said about how you can help them help your kids:

1. Don’t be a stranger!
Talk to your child’s teacher early and often. Back-to-school night shouldn’t be the only time you connect, but it’s a great time to introduce yourself and find out the best way to contact her in the future. Then stay in touch with updates on how things are going at home, questions about your child and his work, or to schedule conferences to head off trouble (should you worry about that string of C’s?). Most teachers have e-mail at school, which is a great way to check in.

2. Learning doesn’t stop at 3:15.
You can help the teacher do a better job by encouraging your child to show you something he’s working on at school, suggests Ron Martucci, who teaches fourth grade in Pelham, New York. It doesn’t have to be a big deal: “Ask him to demonstrate how he does long division or to read his book report out loud,” says Martucci. “Every time your child gets a chance to show off what he knows, it builds confidence.”

3. Stay involved — even when you don’t know the material.
You can provide moral support and be your child’s cheerleader no matter how well (or poorly) you did in a certain subject. “Parents tell me they didn’t take trigonometry or flunked chemistry, so how can they check the homework?” says Tim Devine, a high school social science teacher in Chicago. “But we don’t expect you to be an expert on every subject.” Just knowing a parent is paying attention can be very motivating for a student.

4. Keep your child organized.
That means helping teachers with the paper chase. “I spend way too much time tracking down tests or forms I’ve sent home for a parent’s signature,” says Judy Powell, a fifth-grade teacher from Richmond, Virginia. Usually, the missing items are crumpled up in the bottom of the kid’s backpack, along with lunch leftovers and other clutter. Powell’s solution: Have your child empty his backpack every day as part of a regular after-school routine. Set up a special place, such as a box in the kitchen, where he can put the day’s papers, and provide another spot, such as a desk drawer, for old assignments that you want to save. A bright-colored folder is a good idea, too, for toting homework — and signed papers — to and from school. And about those supplies: Keep plenty on hand. “Kids run out of pencils and paper, and it’ll be three weeks before they’ll remember to tell you,” says Powell.

5. Let your child make mistakes.
Don’t forget, he’s learning. Teachers don’t want perfect students, they want students who try hard. “Sometimes parents get caught up in thinking every assignment has to be done exactly right, and they put too much pressure on their child,” says Brian Freeman, a second-grade teacher from Red Spring, North Carolina. “But it’s OK for kids to get some problems wrong. It’s important for us to see what students don’t know, so we can go over the material again.”
Is your child struggling with an assignment? Help him brainstorm possible solutions. If he’s still stuck, resist the temptation to write a note. Instead, encourage your child to take charge by asking the teacher for help the next day.
Hands off bigger assignments, too, says Marty Kaminsky, a fourth-grade teacher in Ithaca, New York. “I assigned a project on inventors, and several kids brought in amazingly detailed reports with slide-shows. They looked great, but they clearly weren’t the work of a nine-year-old,” he says. “I was much happier with the posters with the pictures glued on crooked, because I knew those children did the work themselves. What matters isn’t the final result; it’s letting a child have ownership of the project.”

6. Raise a good reader.
Even if your child isn’t a natural-born bookworm, you can encourage him to love literature. Keep reading together, even if your kid can breeze through a book on his own. Reading aloud can expand his vocabulary, and your chats about the book will help him understand and enjoy more. But you might want to shelve books that seem way over his head. It’s tempting to push literary limits, but the goal is understanding and enjoyment.
Use audiobooks as a tool to inspire love of reading. They aren’t “cheating;” they’re a terrific way to engage kids in a good yarn.  Check out bookadventure.com for more with books kids will enjoy.

7. If the teacher deserves a good grade, give her one.
Teaching isn’t easy, and there are days when a kid has a tantrum, or a teacher feels like crying because a parent speaks to her harshly. So why not e-mail or call when your child enjoys a class event or says something nice about the instructor? And if you feel the teacher is doing a good job, let the principal know. Volunteering is another way to demonstrate your enthusiasm and support, even if you only have time to help out once a year. It shows your child — and his teacher — that you really care about his education.

8. The teacher’s on your side — give her the benefit of the doubt.
Rachel James, a third-grade teacher in Reson, Florida, was having a terrible time with one of her students. For days, the boy had been disruptive, rolling his eyes and sighing dramatically whenever anyone spoke to him. Naturally, she had to reprimand him. “His mom called and accused me of picking on her son,” says James. “When I told her what was going on, she was shocked.” After the mom had calmed down, they worked out some ways to change the boy’s behavior. “A lot of parents go into attack mode when their child complains about a teacher,” says James. “Or they take the problem to the principal, so the teacher feels blindsided. But parents need to get all the facts before they react.”

9. There is a secret to better grades.
Set up a brief get-together with your child’s teacher(s) early in the school year. A one-on-one conversation is the perfect time to bring up important issues, like the fact that your child struggled in math last year or tended to hand in homework late. Also check in with the school district’s or teachers’ website in order to stay on top of your child’s assignments, grades, test dates and scores — and more. Find out what resources there are for you, and use them.  If your child is having a tough time in a particular class, don’t just swoop in and try to make things right. Encourage your child to meet with his teacher to resolve a problem on his own. If there’s issue between your child and a teacher, don’t automatically run to the principal behind the teacher’s back. Certain situations that involve your child’s safety do merit a meeting with the head of school, but otherwise, going over the teacher’s head signals a lack of respect. When you can’t agree on a solution, set up a meeting with the teacher and a school administrator, who can help work things out.

JUST FOR FUN

SWEET SMELL OF SUCCESS

After a long run, what’s the first thing you want to do? Sit down? Have some water? How about smell your socks?

…that’s exactly what some University of California, Davis cross-country runners did after a 10-mile run. Before you think they are really weird, you should know they were doing research. The socks were developed to eliminate foot odor. The good news is they worked. The fabric’s inventor, UC Davis textile chemist Gang Sun, says the technology could have benefits far beyond sweeter-smelling locker rooms, including use as infection-fighting hospital scrubs and linens. ***MARLAR: When I was in college I used to smell dirty laundry… to see if I could get another day out of it.

FUN LIST

STOP YOUR WHINING!

Tired of your lady’s complaints? She’d have it much worse overseas.

The next time your woman busts out the following common relationship complaints, whip out this handy guide and remind her exactly how good she has it!

  • You never do any housework. — In rural Albania, men are forbidden from doing household chores because lifting a finger is seen as a sign of weakness. An Albanian lady’s “chores” can include strenuous labor, such as lugging enormous bales of hay from one paddock to another while her man stands around and smokes.

  • You’re scared of commitment. — Thanks to a cunning interpretation of an Islamic law, Syrian men can divorce their wives by muttering “I divorce you” three times. By contrast, a woman has to go to court, a process that can take up to five years. In that time, her husband may have already married several more wives.

  • You don’t support my career. — A 1996 Russian law restricts women from entering 400 professions “inconsistent with femininity.” Those industries include building, crane operation and working in tunnels. Women who had labored loyally without complaint during Soviet times found themselves jobless overnight.

  • You stifle my ambitions. — Acting “in the interests of the household,” Cameroon passed a law in June 1998 requiring women to obtain their husband’s permission before seeking a job in a trade other than his.

  • You never let me drive. — Before 1990, it was merely socially unacceptable for women to drive in Saudi Arabia. So fifty women protested the custom by taking a spin through the capital – and they were all detained and many of them lost their jobs. The Grand Mufti then outlawed lady driving altogether.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

MONEY WASTED

Do you belong to any clubs where you have to pay a certain amount each month to be involved?  You might want to reconsider – because in most cases you’re losing money by doing that!

Economists at Stanford and U.C.-Berkeley found that consumers waste a staggering amount of money every year on membership fees for things like credit cards, health clubs, video rentals and cell phone services because they think they’ll use them more than they do. They said in almost every case, it would have been much cheaper totake the pay-per-use option. For instance, out of 8,000 people who bought one-year memberships in a Boston gym, 80 percent went so infrequently, it would have been cheaper just to pay the $17 per workout fee.  ***MARLAR: That would’ve saved me a TON of money… that’d only cost me about $17 per year!

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

Friday night was special for Novi High School in Michigan. According to Mashable.com, after four years of serving the athletics department, Robby Heil, a senior with Down syndrome, finally got his chance to score a touchdown in a game. Robby was put into play during the second quarter against South Lyon East and the plan was put into place. The handoff went right to Robby, and he booked it for the end zone to score a touchdown. Robby’s mother, Debbie Heil, who has been diagnosed with terminal bone cancer, was able to be on the sidelines to watch her son’s scoring run. http://on.mash.to/2cKqEYx

History was made this week as the first wave-produced power in U.S. goes online in Hawaii. According to Yahoo News, a tall buoy bobs and sways in the water, using the rise and fall of the waves to generate electricity. The current travels through an undersea cable for a mile to a military base, where it feeds into Oahu’s power grid. By some estimates, the ocean’s endless motion packs enough power to meet a quarter of America’s energy needs and dramatically reduce the nation’s reliance on oil, gas and coal. But wave energy technology lags well behind wind and solar power, with important technical hurdles still to be overcome. http://yhoo.it/2cXxcoS

Greg Laurie’s Harvest Georgia takes place this weekend but you don’t have to travel to Georgia to attend. Harvest officials say the event will be broadcast on line each of the three evenings. While members of hundreds of local churches are expected at Infinite Energy Arena September 23–25, thousands more are expected to watch online. Music will be provided by Chris Tomlin, Lecrae, and THIRD DAY, with worship led by Phil Wickham, and a gospel message by Greg Laurie. Access the live broadcast at https://www.harvest.org/crusades-and-events/2016-georgia.

Want to donate or acquire a wheelchair? Joni and Friends this week released on short overview of the process. Find out more about getting a wheelchair into the hands of a needy child by visiting http://ow.ly/i566304pX0t.

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

There’s a big ruckus going on in our front office. Something about the boss bringing in a fingerprint expert to examine the contents of the suggestion box.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

SEPTEMBER 16, 2016…

Blair Witch—In 1999, “Blair Witch” was a runaway hit.  Now, it is present day, and a brother of one of the characters of the first film, decides to go into the same woods and see if he can find anything.  The original people are still missing. The cast includes Callie Hernandez and Corbin Reid. “Blair Witch” is rated R. No rating.

Operation Avalanche—Here is another film with the premise of “found footage” dealing with a dramatic event. There is a cover-up here. Stars Matt Johnson and Josh Bales. “Operational Avalanche” is rated R. No rating.

Bridget Jones’s Baby—Part Three of the saga of Bridget Jones, as played by Rene Zellweger and this time around she is pregnant.  Who is the father? Colin Firth? Patrick Dempsey? Bridget has been busy, but Zellweger has not, as this is her first major film in five years. “Bridget Jones’s Baby” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

Snowden—Joseph Gordon-Levitt stars as Edward Snowden in this film directed by Oliver Stone. What happened, how it happened and with Zachary Quinto (“Star Trek” films) as reporter Glenn Greenwald. “Snowden” is rated PG 13. No rating.

SEPTEMBER 23, 2016…

The Magnificent Seven is a remake of the famous western with William Holden. This time, Denzel Washington is the leader and other stars are Chris Pratt and Ethan Hawke.

Storks is an animated film about whether storks really deliver babies or not. Voices of Andy Samberg and Kelsey Grammar. A comedy.

The Dressmaker stars Kate Winslet as a woman who returns to an Australian town to open a dress shop.

The Hollars is finally opening and written and starring John Krasinski from “The Office.” Concerns a dysfunctional family.

Beauty and the Beast is yet another version of the famous tale. Stars Vincent Cassel and Lea Seydroux.

Goat stars Nick Jonas as a student who tries to get his brother into a fraternity.

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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.