September 22, 2017: Friday ONAIRprep

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ODT: 20170922
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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

I just got junk mail in my mailbox from an organization that wants me to save the forest. I sent them back a letter telling them to stop sending me the junk mail which is printed on paper from the forest. That should take care of the problem.

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“Do not fear, little flock, for it is your Father’s good pleasure to give you the kingdom. Sell what you have and give alms; provide yourselves money bags which do not grow old, a treasure in the heavens that does not fail, where no thief approaches nor moth destroys. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. –Luke 12:32-34

The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance. –2 Peter 3:9

Jesus replied, “If anyone loves me, he will obey my teaching. My Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him.” — John 14:23

God “will give to each person according to what he has done.” To those who by persistence in doing good seek glory, honor and immortality, he will give eternal life. — Romans 2:6-7

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

Then a cloud appeared and enveloped them, and a voice came from the cloud: “This is my Son, whom I love. Listen to him!” — Mark 9:7

Thought: Who are you listening to in your life? We can hear all sorts of different voices, but we can follow only one. So who are you going to listen to as you make your decisions about morality, values, ethics, and character? Who has earned the right to be heard regarding life, death, salvation, and sin? God makes it unmistakably clear; we must listen to his Son Jesus!

Prayer: Almighty God, please help me silence the voices of doubt, deception, and demagoguery that surround me. Help me hear the voice of Jesus and follow him and obey your will in all things no matter what everyone else around may choose to do. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

Luke 9:22 NIV = And he said, “The Son of Man must suffer many things and be rejected by the elders, chief priests and teachers of the law, and he must be killed and on the third day be raised to life.”

TODAY IS FRIDAY – SEPTEMBER 22, 2017

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
93 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is DEAR DIARY DAY, a day to feel better by putting it on paper.  ***I never kept a diary… that’s more of girl thing, isn’t it?

Today is ELEPHANT APPRECIATION DAY.  ***So, if you happen to come across one while driving down the road, be nice.

Today is FISH AMNESTY DAY, a day to give fish a break by not fishing. ***And don’t think they don’t know about today, because they do. They can read… why else would they have schools?

Today is NO ARTIFICIAL SWEETENERS DAY. ***Which is fine, because on this show I am legitimately sweet.

TODAY IS ALSO…

American Business Women’s Day
Autumn (Autumnal Equinox)
Bright Pink Lipstick Day
Car Free Day
Chainmail Day
Dear Diary Day
Elephant  Appreciation Day
Hobbit Day
Ice Cream Cone Day
International Day of Radiant Peace
Love Note Day
Mabon
National Centenarian’s Day
National Doodle Day
National Leg Wear Day
National Rock n’ Roll Dog Day
National White Chocolate Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 23

Checkers Day or Dogs in Politics Day
Fish Amnesty Day
Innergize Day
International Lace Day
International Rabbit Day
Kids Day (Kiwanis Clubs)
National Hunting and Fishing Day
National Museum Day
National Public Lands Day
National Seat Check Saturday
National Singles Day
National Snack Stick Day
R.E.A.D. in America Day
Restless Legs Awareness Day
Teal Talk Day

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 24

Bluebird of Happiness Day
Gold Star Mother’s Day
International Day of The Deaf
National Familial Hypercholesterolemia Day
Punctuation Day
Schwenkfelder Thanksgiving

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 25

Family Day
Math Story Telling Day
National One-Hit Wonder Day
National Psychotherapy Day
National Research Administrators Day
National Tune-up Day
(World) Ataxia Awareness Day
World Pharmacists Day

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 26

Compliance Officer Day
Johnny Appleseed Day
National Dumpling Day
National Voter Registration Day
Shamu the Whale Day
Situational Awareness Day
World Contraception Day

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 27

Ancestor Appreciation Day
Banned Websites Awareness Day
Crush A Can Day
Google’s Birthday
National Women’s Health & Fitness Day
National Woman Road Warrior Day
World Tourism Day

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 28

Fish Tank Floorshow Night
National Drink Beer Day
National Good Neighbor Day
International Right To Know Day
World Maritime Day
World Rabies Day

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 29

Ask A Stupid Question Day
Hug A Vegetarian Day
International Coffee Day
MAGS Day
Mutation Day (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)
National Biscotti
National Attend Your Grandchild’s Birth Day
National Gay Men HIV AIDS Awareness Day
Save The Koala Day
Support Purple for Platelets Day
Vegan Baking Day
VFW Day
World Heart Day

ON THIS DAY

1776: Nathan Hale was hanged by the British as a spy during the Revolutionary War.

1789: Congress authorized the office of Postmaster-General.

1792: The French Republic was proclaimed.

1862: President Abraham Lincoln issued the preliminary Emancipation Proclamation, proposing to free all slaves of rebel states as of Jan. 1, 1863.

1951: A Stockholm court fined a sailor for kissing his girlfriend in public. The court called the offense “obnoxious behavior repulsive to public morals.”

1955: James Dean completed his final work on film, the “last supper” scene in “Giant.” Eight days later he died in an auto crash.

1969: San Francisco Giants’ star Willie Mays belted his 600th career home run during a game in San Diego.

1976: “Charlie’s Angels” debuted on ABC-TV. The crime drama starred Kate Jackson as Sabrina Duncan, Farrah Fawcett-Majors as Jill Munroe, and Jaclyn Smith as Kelly Garrett. David Doyle was Bosley, and John Forsythe was the voice of Charlie Townsend. Cheryl Ladd, Shelly Hack, and Tanya Roberts replaced departing angels during the show’s five-year run. (audio clip)

1980: Laura Ingalls got married on “Little House on the Prairie.” (audio clip)

1980: The Persian Gulf conflict between Iran and Iraq erupted into full-scale war.

1988: Football players struck the NFL, but club owners hired new players and kept playing. The strike lasted 24 days.

1988: In a village in South Sumatra, two women believed to have died and been buried by robbers crawled out of their grave to report the crime.

1989: Songwriter Irving Berlin died in New York City at age 101.

1991: Officials at the Kenai, Alaska, airport completed installation of a $6,800 moose security system. Seems they had a serious problem with moose traffic.

1994: The comedy “Friends” premiered on NBC-TV. (audio clip)

2001: A London theatre dropped plans to hire a duck for a show because it would have to pay a duck four times more than an actor.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1566: Johann Agricola (b. 1494), German theologian and reformer, dies. He became a friend of Martin Luther in 1519, though after 1540 the relationship deteriorated over the issue of the authority of Mosaic Law in believers’ and nonbelievers’ lives.

1692: Puritan magistrates hang the last 8 of 20 condemned witches are hanged in Salem, Massachusetts.

1734: The Confessors of the Glory of Christ, followers of 16th century Polish reformer Caspar Schwenckfeld, settle in the Pennsylvania Dutch countryside. In 1525 Schwenckfeld had traveled to Wittenberg to ask Martin Luther for an appointment, but found they disagreed on many issues. He became part of the Radical Reformation and Catholics and Protestants both persecuted him.

BIRTHDAY RAP-UP

  • actress (Jumanji, The Green Mile, Cheaper By The Dozen, “The Bonnie Hunt Show”) Bonnie Hunt 56

  • actor (“Happy Days”, “Joanie Loves Chachi”, “Charles in Charge”) Scott Baio is 56 (audio clip)

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1930 : Joni James

1943 : Toni Basil

1949 : David Coverdale (Whitesnake, Deep Purple)

1956 : Debby Boone

1957 : Johnette Napolitano (Concrete Blonde)

1960 : Joan Jett

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

(edited from Creation Tips)

The oldest fossil ever has been found, and guess what? It looks EXACTLY the same as creatures alive today! Go figure!

It’s happened again. An “oldest” fossil has been discovered, and it’s pretty much the same as living critters. This time it is a tick (the parasite kind, not the clock kind). It was found in a vacant lot in New Jersey, believe it or not. Paleontologists (anti-creationists as well) say it is 90 million years old and is the oldest tick known. What’s so cool about this, and why is it good news to those of us that are creationists or intelligent-design believers? Well, many of these “oldest” fossil discoveries turn out to look like creatures living today. The oldest fossil bat looks like today’s bats. The oldest coelacanth fish looks like today’s coelancanths. The oldest tick was clearly enough like today’s ticks to be easily identified and classified. What this shows is that even using the evolutionists’ own time-scale, evolution hasn’t taken place. Ticks were clearly ticks back then, just as they are clearly ticks today. If no significant change has taken place, then evolution hasn’t taken place either, as we continue to point out to these evolutionist bozos. The creatures have reproduced “after their kind,” just as God, in the book of Genesis, said they would.

NEWS KICKERS

(None on weekends. Want a customizable version with your specific station tag, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Oklahoma quarterback Baker Mayfield is blaming the team’s 2014 collapse on Katy Perry, saying she jinxed the team by making eyes at then quarterback Trevor Knight.  ***Then again, if you are so easily rattled that you can no longer play well because a girl likes you, let’s face it – you likely don’t have a future in professional football anyway.

If you must gain weight, the best place for that fat to land is on your hips, butt and thighs. Fat stored here is actually good for you, since it protects against heart and metabolic problems, according to a team of experts from Oxford University in Great Britain. Hip fat actually absorbs harmful fatty acids and contains an anti-inflammatory agent that helps prevent arteries from clogging. So while a big rear may not look flattering in tight jeans, it can help you live longer. ***Okay… well, what I want to know is how do I force the fat to leave my man-boobs and head south?

Sunday’s Emmy Awards had one of the lowest viewerships in the show’s history.  ***Probably because people were already tired of hearing about politics, and they knew that’s all they would get during the Emmy’s.  And it turns out they were right.

A new study says that being neurotic can help people live longer.  ***Which is great news if you are typically neurotic about not living very long.

John Lennon’s widow, Yoko Ono, heard about a Polish beverage company’s new drink called “John Lemon.” She threatened legal action alleging that it infringed on the trademark of her late husband. The company has now agreed to change its drink’s name to “On Lemon.”  ***Ironic that the sourpuss in this story is Yoko.

Hey guys, if you want a girl to go out with you, do not waste your time on candy, flowers or poems just find a way to play her a sappy love song. Whether you bribe the band to play “My Heart Will Go On” or earnestly hum “Truly Madly Deeply”, simply let those sentimental stanzas melt her heart… then ask for her phone number. In a recent experiment, single women age 18 to 20 spent five minutes listening to either a “neutral” pop song or a “romantic ballad.” Afterward, the women who heard the ballad were twice as likely to give an “average looking” interviewer their phone number and agree to go for drinks.  ***And according to the documentary film, “Say Anything”, holding a boom box over your head playing Peter Gabriel’s “In Your Eyes” is a sure-fire winner.

The World Health Organization is now warning that the world is running out of antibiotics. ***So if you’re planning on being sick in the near future, you might want to relocate to another planet first.

Now they’re saying that Roomba vacuum could be collecting data about the layout of your home and then sold.  ***That’s right… Big Brother sucks.

A California man went on a rampage that ended with him beating up a grocery employee with a bag of bread. The 39-year-old man allegedly entered the Safeway “yelling and screaming”. One employee attempted to calm the man, but he responded by pushing him several times, then grabbing a loaf of French bread and hitting him in the face. ***The employee did not sustain major injuries but he is pressing charges of “gluten assault”.

Music not only lowers blood pressure, but also it does so nearly as effectively as cutting salt from your diet or exercising, according to researchers from Ruhr University in Germany. But there is one big gotcha: It has to be classical music. The study: Led by Hans-Joachim Trappe, the team played Mozart’s “Symphony No. 40 in G Minor,” various dances by Johann Strauss and ABBA songs to 60 volunteers. Each person’s blood pressure was taken before and after listening to the music. Mozart lowered systolic blood pressure.  Strauss did as well.  Meanwhile, the Swedish pop group Abba had no effect whatsoever.  ***And dubstep immediately put people in the ICU.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Scientists say spouses share a surprising amount of DNA. ***Although you do have to wonder about this, seeing as the study was taken at a trailer park in Louisiana.

According to a new study, having power at the workplace makes people actually think that they’re taller.  ***It also helps if you cut a couple of inches off the legs off of all of your employees’ desks and chairs.

In a survey by the group Cats Protection, 75 percent of cat owners over age 55 said they sometimes prefer to share their feelings with their cat rather than their spouse or friends. 81 percent of kids 13 and under said they’d rather talk to their cat about their feelings than to their parents or a friend. And among owners aged 20-to-40, 60 percent said they’d put up with their cat’s bad breath but not their spouse’s, nearly half get a better night’s sleep with their cat in bed than with their spouse, and 55 percent would tolerate their cat hogging the bed covers but not their spouse doing it.  ***Oh sure… it’s okay for the cat to cough up a hairball, but just let your spouse do it… (This is silly.  I know from personal experience that you can talk to your husband about your feelings, and he’ll ignore you just as well as your cat can.)

Who lies better – men or women? The New York Post reported that author Susan Shapiro Barash interviewed 500 women for her book, “Little White Lies, Deep Dark Secrets: The Truth About Why Women Lie.” Her conclusion: women are much better liars than men, and they lie about everything from shopping binges to barhopping to facelifts.  Barash said, “Women lie… to get what they want.”  ***For example, women will lie to get people to buy their book.

According to a study, nearly six in ten adult workers experience significant drowsiness during business hours.  ***Which is comforting to think about when you’re behind a HEAVY-EQUIPMENT OPERATOR shortly after he’s had a big lunch

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD FRIDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, we were at Racquet the Skunk’s house – and it turns out that his niece, Rita the Skunk, is staying with him this week while her parents are out of town. Gruffy just dropped Rita off at Racquet’s house after picking her up from school, and Rita is a bit depressed. Something to do with homework, it seems…

CLOSE: Waaaaait a minute. I think I can see where this one’s going. Do you? Find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

Don’t Try to Carjack Football Players
Here’s a pro-tip. If you’re going to try your hand as a professional carjacker, never target a group of football players fresh from practice. This happened in Albuquerque and 20-year-old Angelo Drew Martinez asked for a ride from three players around the Loma Linda Community Center football field. Once he was in the car, he pulled a gun and tried to carjack their vehicle. The players initially complied and exited the car, but when they reportedly saw Martinez fumble with the gun, one of the players got back in the car and punched him in the face. Then the other two joined in on what has to be described as a severe beat down. They then held Martinez until police arrived at the scene. Authorities said the gun wasn’t real, but Martinez also was carrying a knife and a note reading: “Give me the keys to your wip (car) and a nobody get heart. I know where you live so don’t make me kill.” His mugshot really tells the whole story as both eyes are swollen shut and the rest of his face is covered with black and purple bruises, cuts, and scrapes. Martinez has been charged with four counts of aggravated assault with a deadly weapon and attempt to commit a felony. His criminal record includes past charges of auto theft and shoplifting. We have to assume the football players have a pretty good case for self-defense – if that were to even come up. (FOX News)

TOP TEN

TOP TEN ACTUAL (AND STRANGE) ROAD SIGNS

10. Caution, water on road during rain.

9. Beware of children (Sounds like a Stephen King novel)

8. Stuff for sale here (Everybody needs more stuff)

7. Moose parts available (Run, Bullwinkle, run!)

6. Bridge Out. Open to all local traffic (Must be trying to reduce the local population)

5. Speed limit – 55, 65, 75 (Take your pick and take your chances)

4. Sherrill’s Eat Here & Get Gas (restaurant in Tipton, Indiana)

3. Diesel Fried Chicken (Sign on gas station)

2. Tattoo Charlies. . .done while you wait (What? I can’t just drop my arm off and come back after shopping?)

1. Spay or neuter your best friend (Sign at Veterinary office)

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

A thief in Germany was discovered when he fell asleep in a house he intended to steal from.

FILE #1: A 27-year-old thief broke into a house in Dortmund, Germany while the family who lived there were taking a vacation. But our would-be burglar fell asleep on a bed, and was discovered by a neighbor, who had come in to water the plants. The neighbor realized there had been a break-in, then heard snoring coming from an upstairs bedroom. The police woke the would-be burglar and took him away for questioning.

FILE #2: In Cedar Rapids, Iowa, a teenager pointed his BB pistol at the wrong car. The car stopped and the two undercover police officers inside pulled out their real .40-caliber Glock handguns.  They ordered 15-year-old Ryon Shelton to drop his gun.  Shelton said he was just “playing around” and trying to scare people during the Halloween night incident.

FILE #3: In Crestview, Florida, 48-year-old Donald Leon May entered an empty residence without permission and proceeded to take a shower. According to police reports, he entered the home through an unlocked back door. While in the shower, a boy–who thought his father was home– entered the bathroom and suddenly realized that wasn’t dad! May told the boy that President Obama let him in, and told the boy to leave. The boy went to a neighbor’s house to call the police. Police found May still in the house with nothing on but a towel wrapped around his waist. When questioned by police, May said, “The Yellow Brick Road brought him to Crestview.” So he was promptly arrested.

STRANGE LAW: In Utah, birds have the right of way on all highways.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.

Authorities say a Northern California man was arrested after he asked a police officer for a ride, agreed to be searched and was found to have cocaine in his pocket. Ongley Raymond Ocon III was charged with felony possession of cocaine. San Mateo County prosecutors say Ocon left a party in San Carlos, walked up to a Redwood City police patrol car and asked for a ride home to Danville. The officer asked Ocon whether he was carrying anything illegal. Chief Deputy District Attorney Steve Wagstaffe says Ocon initially responded “yes” before pausing and saying “no.” Wagstaffe tells the Contra Costa Times Ocon then agreed to be searched, and the officer discovered the cocaine.

PHONER PHUN

Summer is just about over – are you sad to see it go, or are you excited for Fall to arrive? Why? Is there anything locally that you absolutely have to do do/attend before Summer disappears?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: There was a very rich man who was a disciple of Jesus. What was his name?
ANSWER: Joseph of Arimathea (Matthew 27)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: If you had a model Mark IV FM, what would you own?
ANSWER: You would own the atom bomb dropped on Nagasaki in 1945. The bomb was designated the Mark IV FM on its blueprints.

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. The planet Venus has the longest day in our solar system. (True)

2. The first atomic bomb exploded at Trinity Site, in Nevada. (False – Trinity Site is in New Mexico.)

3. All organic compounds contain carbon. (True)

4. Three astronauts manned each Apollo flight. (True)

5. Out of all the senses, taste is most closely linked to memory. (False – it’s smell.)

6. There are eight stars in the Big Dipper. (False, it’s seven stars.)

7. Dissolved salt makes up 3.5 percent of the oceans. (True)

8. Glaciers store about 75% of the world’s freshwater. (True – in Washington State alone, glaciers provide 470 billion gallons of water each summer.)

9. To an observer standing on Pluto, the sun would appear no brighter than our moon appears in our evening sky. (False – much smaller than that. The sun would probably appear more like what Venus looks like to us.)

10. Traveling at the speed of 186,000 miles per second, light take 6 hours to travel from Pluto to the earth. (True)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

STEVEN SEGAL ______ PUPPIES (SHOOTS)

ARIZONA – Steven Seagal whacked some puppies in his crimefighting reality show.

Jesus Sanchez Llovera claimed his puppies died during an early morning raid on his home by self-styled ‘Sheriff’ Seagal who was filming his reality show ’Steven Seagal: Lawman’.

Mr Llovera’s home in Arizona was set upon by volunteer officer Seagal and a local police chief as they believed he was running an illegal cockfighting ring.

Several of Llovera’s neighbors said that Seagal then came to their houses “looking for puppies to shoot.”

“He was out-of-control.  He wanted puppies and he wanted puppies dead,” said neighbor Junior Diaz.  “He tried to use Kung Fu on them or something.”

Apparently, some of the puppies fought back and one of them, Le Tigre, took Seagal to the mat and pinned him.

Robert Campus, Llovera’s attorney, believes the entire raid was staged to help actor Steven Seagal’s TV show, “Lawman.” Seagal was riding in the tank. The Sheriff’s Department has entered into a contract with Seagal and part of that contract gives Seagal carte blanche to go along with the sheriff as he arrests people.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

The tiresome jury selection process continued, each side hotly contesting and dismissing potential jurors.  Don O’Brian was called for his question session.

“Property holder?”

“Yes, I am, Your Honor.”

“Married or single?”

“Married for thirteen years, Your Honor.”

“Formed or expressed an opinion?”

“Not in thirteen years, Your Honor.”

JOKE #2

I am a very nervous flyer. During a trip from California to Indiana, it didn’t help that my connecting flight from Denver was delayed twice because of mechanical problems. Then, after we were aloft, I noticed the lights began flickering. I mentioned this to a flight attendant.

“I’ll take care of it,” she said. Moments later the lights went out. Clearly she’d solved the problem by turning off the lights.

A passenger across the aisle who had been listening leaned over and said, “Whatever you do, please don’t ask about the engines.”

JOKE #3

Joe and Joan were sitting down to their usual morning cup of coffee listening to the weather report on the radio.

“There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared,” the weather report said. 
”You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets.”

Joe said, “Okay,” and got up from his coffee.

The next day they were sitting down with their morning cups of coffee. The weather forecast was, “There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. 
You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets.”

Again Joe replied, “Darn… ” and got up from his coffee.

Two days later, again they’re sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast said, “There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the…” and the power went out and Joe didn’t get the rest of the instructions.

He turned to Joan, “Oh no, what am I going to do now, Joan? I don’t know which side of the street they need me to park on!”

Joan replied, “Aw, Joe, just leave the car in the garage today.”

USELESS FACTS

A survey by America Online found that the average American worker wastes over two hours a day.  ***Mostly spending time taking surveys from has-been entities like America Online.

Researchers have found unexpectedly huge differences in the genetic makeup of individual human beings — meaning the so-called genetic map may be way off. ***Not that male scientists stopped to look at the map or ask for directions anyway.

FEATURED FUNNIES

CHILDREN’S SERMON
During our church’s worship service, the pastor invites all the young children to join him near the altar for the “Children’s Moments Sermon.” One day, with seven small children in attendance, he spoke about the ingredients required to make up a church, using a chocolate-chip cookie as an example. He explained to the children that, as with a cookie requiring ingredients such as sugar and eggs, the church needed ingredients to make up the congregation. Holding a cookie aloft, he asked, “If I took the chocolate chips out of this cookie, what would I have?”
A shy six-year-old raised his hand.  “Six less grams of fat!”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

Bank robbers are kicking themselves right now for passing up what would’ve been the easiest bank robbery in history!

Shortly past midnight one Thursday in Argentina, an after-hours ATM user alerted police after finding the doors to the bank were left wide open. Police responded by surrounding the bank, suspecting a robbery was in progress. After an exhaustive search, police found no evidence that anyone entered the bank, and nothing was missing. The branch manager says that a bank employee replenishing cash to the ATM, prior to leaving work for the night, forgot to close the main door to the bank. The employee has been suspended.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

SOLD IT FOR SCRAP

I was watching television today and saw the Ford Taurus commercial. It was about a young boy that is involved in a car accident and calls home to tell his parents he was sorry about the damage to the car. The father told the boy not to worry about the car, as long as the boy was okay.

That commercial reminded me of my brother Eli. Eli was a drug addict back in 1980, and because he used the drugs in front of my kids (he wasn’t even supposed to have them in the house) I kicked him out and did not speak to him for 10 years.

In 1990, he ended up in jail for most of the year.  When he got out, he was clean and drug-free and returned to Georgia. I was leery of him coming back, especially around my children, but he was family and my mom asked me to at least be civil towards him. So I was.

Surprisingly, I introduced him to the missionaries from my church and, within two weeks, he became a member of my church. From that point on, he was the brother I remembered from my teen years.  He was honest, hard- working, and always thought about others.

Well, my dad owned a Gold Wing motorcycle that he cherished. One day, my brother needed a way to work and begged my dad to let him use the Gold Wing.  Reluctantly, my dad agreed. But he added the phrase: If you damage my motorcycle, you better not come back!

Eli never came back…

You see, on his way home from work that night, my brother was hit and killed by a motorist. The day after my brother died, my dad and I went to pick up the motorcycle from the police impound lot. We couldn’t believe our eyes. The motorcycle had received only a few minor scrapes.

That was when my dad said something that made me realize just how much he loved his children (he never said the words, I love you.) He said, “I would rather have my son back than this motorcycle.”

My dad sold that motorcycle for scrap two days after the funeral. He has not been on a motorcycle since.

That’s why I am so touched by the Ford Taurus commercial. That’s also why I have to tell everyone to forgive and forget. I didn’t speak to my brother for ten years, and then I was only allowed one year to make up for all the years I had missed.  He died exactly one year after joining my church. I never told him I forgive him.  I hope he knows that now.

–Kathy Grimes

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

“And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to which also you were called in one body; and be thankful”
–Col 3:15

“Be thankful.” Such a simple phrase, but what did Paul mean? Be thankful for what? To whom? Let’s think about it.

The first thing that comes to mind is to be thankful to God for giving us salvation through His Son, Jesus. That’s good. If it weren’t for that, our lives would really be meaningless. If there were no “eternity,” why would we spend so much time being “good?” Without salvation, what purpose would there be in living for anyone by yourself? We all know self-centered people. They tend to be miserable individuals — and no one really likes being around them. Yes, thank you Father that you have given us a reason to be “good.” Only in obeying your laws and accepting your free gift of grace through Jesus do we find “sanity.”

Next think about being thankful to others. Most of us know people who are good to us. Granted, some of us may have to search a little longer than others, but there are always those who love us and bless us with their goodness. How long has it been since you said “thank you?” Have you thanked your spouse lately? They give up a lot for you.

Have you thanked your parents, your children, your pastor(s), your teachers, your neighborhood policeman, your postman, your paper delivery person, the pizza delivery person, the cashier at the grocery store, the clerk at the bank? The list is endless.

Finally thank yourself. WHAT? Yes, thank yourself — for accepting salvation through Jesus — for marrying such a wonderful person — for your part in having such wonderful children. We need to develop a “thankful” spirit. One that will be gracious and kind in all circumstances — yes, even when you open that ugly tie that great aunt Paula gives you for Christmas. So what if it still has gravy stains on it from when uncle Paul was alive!

It’s the thought that counts. Be thankful in all things.

LEFTOVERS

HEADS UP

Teenagers in Bulgaria have come up with an unusual way of getting out of school. Getting head lice – intentionally.

Students have taken it upon themselves to create a head lice plague by infecting each other with the lice on purpose. They started it after they learned that infected students are required to stay home from school for three days. “This regulation, that was aimed at stopping head lice spreading, appears to have worked against us, especially when there are a lot of exams,” says an education spokesman.

LIFE… LIVE IT

NINE THINGS TEACHERS WISH PARENTS KNEW

Parents, do you wonder what it takes to help your kids do their very best at school? Good Housekeeping went into classrooms at schools around the country and talked to the teachers who spend their days with your children. Here’s what they said about how you can help them help your kids:

1. Don’t be a stranger!
Talk to your child’s teacher early and often. Back-to-school night shouldn’t be the only time you connect, but it’s a great time to introduce yourself and find out the best way to contact her in the future. Then stay in touch with updates on how things are going at home, questions about your child and his work, or to schedule conferences to head off trouble (should you worry about that string of C’s?). Most teachers have e-mail at school, which is a great way to check in.

2. Learning doesn’t stop at 3:15.
You can help the teacher do a better job by encouraging your child to show you something he’s working on at school, suggests Ron Martucci, who teaches fourth grade in Pelham, New York. It doesn’t have to be a big deal: “Ask him to demonstrate how he does long division or to read his book report out loud,” says Martucci. “Every time your child gets a chance to show off what he knows, it builds confidence.”

3. Stay involved — even when you don’t know the material.
You can provide moral support and be your child’s cheerleader no matter how well (or poorly) you did in a certain subject. “Parents tell me they didn’t take trigonometry or flunked chemistry, so how can they check the homework?” says Tim Devine, a high school social science teacher in Chicago. “But we don’t expect you to be an expert on every subject.” Just knowing a parent is paying attention can be very motivating for a student.

4. Keep your child organized.
That means helping teachers with the paper chase. “I spend way too much time tracking down tests or forms I’ve sent home for a parent’s signature,” says Judy Powell, a fifth-grade teacher from Richmond, Virginia. Usually, the missing items are crumpled up in the bottom of the kid’s backpack, along with lunch leftovers and other clutter. Powell’s solution: Have your child empty his backpack every day as part of a regular after-school routine. Set up a special place, such as a box in the kitchen, where he can put the day’s papers, and provide another spot, such as a desk drawer, for old assignments that you want to save. A bright-colored folder is a good idea, too, for toting homework — and signed papers — to and from school. And about those supplies: Keep plenty on hand. “Kids run out of pencils and paper, and it’ll be three weeks before they’ll remember to tell you,” says Powell.

5. Let your child make mistakes.
Don’t forget, he’s learning. Teachers don’t want perfect students, they want students who try hard. “Sometimes parents get caught up in thinking every assignment has to be done exactly right, and they put too much pressure on their child,” says Brian Freeman, a second-grade teacher from Red Spring, North Carolina. “But it’s OK for kids to get some problems wrong. It’s important for us to see what students don’t know, so we can go over the material again.”
Is your child struggling with an assignment? Help him brainstorm possible solutions. If he’s still stuck, resist the temptation to write a note. Instead, encourage your child to take charge by asking the teacher for help the next day.
Hands off bigger assignments, too, says Marty Kaminsky, a fourth-grade teacher in Ithaca, New York. “I assigned a project on inventors, and several kids brought in amazingly detailed reports with slide-shows. They looked great, but they clearly weren’t the work of a nine-year-old,” he says. “I was much happier with the posters with the pictures glued on crooked, because I knew those children did the work themselves. What matters isn’t the final result; it’s letting a child have ownership of the project.”

6. Raise a good reader.
Even if your child isn’t a natural-born bookworm, you can encourage him to love literature. Keep reading together, even if your kid can breeze through a book on his own. Reading aloud can expand his vocabulary, and your chats about the book will help him understand and enjoy more. But you might want to shelve books that seem way over his head. It’s tempting to push literary limits, but the goal is understanding and enjoyment.
Use audiobooks as a tool to inspire love of reading. They aren’t “cheating;” they’re a terrific way to engage kids in a good yarn.  Check out bookadventure.com for more with books kids will enjoy.

7. If the teacher deserves a good grade, give her one.
Teaching isn’t easy, and there are days when a kid has a tantrum, or a teacher feels like crying because a parent speaks to her harshly. So why not e-mail or call when your child enjoys a class event or says something nice about the instructor? And if you feel the teacher is doing a good job, let the principal know. Volunteering is another way to demonstrate your enthusiasm and support, even if you only have time to help out once a year. It shows your child — and his teacher — that you really care about his education.

8. The teacher’s on your side — give her the benefit of the doubt.
Rachel James, a third-grade teacher in Reson, Florida, was having a terrible time with one of her students. For days, the boy had been disruptive, rolling his eyes and sighing dramatically whenever anyone spoke to him. Naturally, she had to reprimand him. “His mom called and accused me of picking on her son,” says James. “When I told her what was going on, she was shocked.” After the mom had calmed down, they worked out some ways to change the boy’s behavior. “A lot of parents go into attack mode when their child complains about a teacher,” says James. “Or they take the problem to the principal, so the teacher feels blindsided. But parents need to get all the facts before they react.”

9. There is a secret to better grades.
Set up a brief get-together with your child’s teacher(s) early in the school year. A one-on-one conversation is the perfect time to bring up important issues, like the fact that your child struggled in math last year or tended to hand in homework late. Also check in with the school district’s or teachers’ website in order to stay on top of your child’s assignments, grades, test dates and scores — and more. Find out what resources there are for you, and use them.  If your child is having a tough time in a particular class, don’t just swoop in and try to make things right. Encourage your child to meet with his teacher to resolve a problem on his own. If there’s issue between your child and a teacher, don’t automatically run to the principal behind the teacher’s back. Certain situations that involve your child’s safety do merit a meeting with the head of school, but otherwise, going over the teacher’s head signals a lack of respect. When you can’t agree on a solution, set up a meeting with the teacher and a school administrator, who can help work things out.

JUST FOR FUN

SWEET SMELL OF SUCCESS

After a long run, what’s the first thing you want to do? Sit down? Have some water? How about smell your socks?

…that’s exactly what some University of California, Davis cross-country runners did after a 10-mile run. Before you think they are really weird, you should know they were doing research. The socks were developed to eliminate foot odor. The good news is they worked. The fabric’s inventor, UC Davis textile chemist Gang Sun, says the technology could have benefits far beyond sweeter-smelling locker rooms, including use as infection-fighting hospital scrubs and linens. ***MARLAR: When I was in college I used to smell dirty laundry… to see if I could get another day out of it.

FUN LIST

STOP YOUR WHINING!

Tired of your lady’s complaints? She’d have it much worse overseas.

The next time your woman busts out the following common relationship complaints, whip out this handy guide and remind her exactly how good she has it!

  • You never do any housework. — In rural Albania, men are forbidden from doing household chores because lifting a finger is seen as a sign of weakness. An Albanian lady’s “chores” can include strenuous labor, such as lugging enormous bales of hay from one paddock to another while her man stands around and smokes.

  • You’re scared of commitment. — Thanks to a cunning interpretation of an Islamic law, Syrian men can divorce their wives by muttering “I divorce you” three times. By contrast, a woman has to go to court, a process that can take up to five years. In that time, her husband may have already married several more wives.

  • You don’t support my career. — A 1996 Russian law restricts women from entering 400 professions “inconsistent with femininity.” Those industries include building, crane operation and working in tunnels. Women who had labored loyally without complaint during Soviet times found themselves jobless overnight.

  • You stifle my ambitions. — Acting “in the interests of the household,” Cameroon passed a law in June 1998 requiring women to obtain their husband’s permission before seeking a job in a trade other than his.

  • You never let me drive. — Before 1990, it was merely socially unacceptable for women to drive in Saudi Arabia. So fifty women protested the custom by taking a spin through the capital – and they were all detained and many of them lost their jobs. The Grand Mufti then outlawed lady driving altogether.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

MONEY WASTED

Do you belong to any clubs where you have to pay a certain amount each month to be involved?  You might want to reconsider – because in most cases you’re losing money by doing that!

Economists at Stanford and U.C.-Berkeley found that consumers waste a staggering amount of money every year on membership fees for things like credit cards, health clubs, video rentals and cell phone services because they think they’ll use them more than they do. They said in almost every case, it would have been much cheaper totake the pay-per-use option. For instance, out of 8,000 people who bought one-year memberships in a Boston gym, 80 percent went so infrequently, it would have been cheaper just to pay the $17 per workout fee.  ***MARLAR: That would’ve saved me a TON of money… that’d only cost me about $17 per year!

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Of course, you’re going to hug and kiss your children every day and tell them you love them. But in addition to that, you should read to your them every day — beginning in infancy. That’s the word from the American Academy of Pediatrics, which maintains that daily time spent with Curious George, the Berenstain Bears or Dr. Seuss is the best way to prepare kids for school and for life. And reading together helps strengthen family ties. Research has long shown that children who were read to in their early years are the most literate later. And, yes, even infants benefit as they hear spoken words and sounds that will form the basis of future language and literacy development. Children who are deprived of this hear fewer words and so learn fewer words.

There are two reasons social media can be an energy suck, says Brian Primack, M.D., PhD, director of the Center for Research on Media, Technology and Health at the University of Pittsburgh. “On one hand, you look at everyone’s curated photos and get depressed because your life doesn’t look so perfect,” he explains. “But on the other hand, anything that’s negative also gets magnified. Neither extreme is good.” Indeed, one of his studies found a link between the amount of time spent on social media and the likelihood of depression. Not ready to cut the Facebook cord? Try paring your “friends” down to your actual friends. “When you don’t know someone, you’re more likely to have a miscommunication or be upset by something in their feed,” says Dr. Primack. “But using social media to connect with old friends can have the opposite effect it’s energizing.” (Health)

Here’s a reason to start stepping: New guidelines form the American College of Physicians say that natural remedies such as exercise like walking and massage therapy should be your first line of treatment for backaches before taking medication. Researchers note that this non-prescription route works just as well to rein in pain, and it won’t come with side effects. If you’re able, walk for 10 minutes one or two days a week and up the frequency and distance over time. (Woman’s Day)

Many diet plans are doomed from the start. Why? Too often, we say no to cake and yes to kale — and never enjoy the sweet treats. That is, we adopt the wrong strategies, planning to ditch our favorite foods and replace them with less-desirable, albeit lower calorie, options. But when dieters add healthy, tasty foods they enjoy to their diet, they tend to be more successful at losing weight. That’s the word from researchers at Baylor University’s Hankamer School of Business, who have determined that diets are more successful when dieters do not create “rules” that restrict the foods they love. Such rules have the very real effect of setting dieters up for failure. What’s a dieter to do instead? Focus attention on eating healthy, tasty foods you enjoy while allowing occasional treats.

Half of American adults are registered as organ donors. In addition, nearly a quarter say they have not registered, but would consider it, while 20 percent say they would never do that. That’s the word from The Harris Poll, which surveyed 2,212 U.S. adults nationwide. Why do people become organ donors?  Better yet, why do some people choose NOT to become organ donors?  Keep reading to find out!

Interesting facts about organ donation:

  • More than 120,000 people are currently on the waiting list to receive a lifesaving organ transplant.

  • Just one organ donor can save up to eight lives.

  • A new name joins the organ donation waiting list every 10 minutes, and 22 people die each day while waiting for an organ that never comes. The gap between supply and demand continues to grow as donation rates stagnate.

Why do people become registered organ donors?

  • 69 percent: It’s comforting to know their organs will serve a purpose after they die.

  • 60 percent: Want to help someone in need.

  • 15 percent: Know someone who has benefited from receiving a donation.

  • 7 percent: Know someone on the waiting list.

Twenty-one percent of U.S. adults say they will never register as an organ donor. Why?

  • 26 percent: Not in good enough health.

  • 26 percent: Discomfort with their organs being used after death.

  • 23 percent: Desire to avoid thinking about what happens when they die.

  • 10 percent: Concerns their family could not afford the additional medical costs associated with organ donation.

  • 9 percent: Perception that their family members already know they want to be an organ donor upon death so they don’t need to officially register.

SOUL-GLO

(Feel-good stories! Only posted as new stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Dobre Dobrev is called the living saint of Baylovo for a good reason. The Bulgarian man is now over 100 years old, yet he walks more than 26 miles every day even in the cold of winter from his village in Baylovo to Sofia to beg for alms. But he doesn’t keep the money for himself. He scrapes by on a tiny pension each month and donates the money to the orphanages and the church. So far Dobre has managed to donate 24 thousand Euros to the church which was struggling. If you see a photo of him, he kinda looks like Santa Claus – which might explain this tremendous generosity and love he has for others.

Read more about Dobre at https://faithreel.org/102-year-old-man-walks-26-miles-every-day-help-orphans/

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
Very sorry if you have cancer… but “energy healing” is a scam.
Over in England, Jerry Sargeant is the cruelest kind of con man. Calling himself “The Facilitator” he set up a website claiming to be able to cure people with cancer through “star magic” and with his hands. Sargeant claimed to be self-taught in healing after witnessing a woman’s soul leave her body in a car crash. This apparently gave him the power to heal with his hands and “edit your karmic blueprint” in sessions starting at $100 for 15 minutes. He also offered a three-month “Energy Healing Journey Together” package, which claims to be able to “dissolve an illness or disease, enhance your business performance [or] take your energy and vitality to the next level” for only $2,100. Among the many claims on his website are that he: 

  • Pulled a migraine out of his wife’s head 

  • Used crystals to help a woman walk again 

  • Visited Alpha Centaui after being taken there in a space pod that landed next to his friend’s pyramid 

  • While at Alpha Centaui had light downloaded through the top of his crown chakra 

  • Visited ancient mystery schools to learn to heal (in his mind) 

  • Edited people’s karmic blue prints through distance healing

He was finally arrested by the British police and when officers asked him when he sees customers, he replied: “I don’t need to see them, I do it over Skype.” (Metro)

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

There’s a big ruckus going on in our front office. Something about the boss bringing in a fingerprint expert to examine the contents of the suggestion box.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

SEPTEMBER 22, 2017…

Kingsmen: The Golden Circle—Yes, a sequel to the 2015 movie, “Kingsmen: The Secret Service,”  that introduced us to the spies with weapons that are tongue-in-cheek to James Bond.  In the first film, a young man, Eggsy (Taron Egerton) was selected to be a Kingsman, of  Great Britain, and taught by  Harry (Colin Firth.)  Now, there are the Statesman (guess what country) and they are Halle Berry, Channing Tatum and Jeff Bridges. Every spy group needs a villain and I present Julianne Moore as “Poppy,” who sits in the middle of a jungle complete with a main street straight out of the 1950’s. Of course, she wants to reign supreme with a certain product and everyone is out to stop her.  Among the specialized weapons are a deadly lasso and a mechanical dog that attacks on command. Guess German Shepherds wanted too much money. All of this is under the direction of Matthew Vaughn, who also directed the first film. “Kingsmen: The Secret Service” was average at the box office, but enough to have this second film, so fans, here you are. “Kingsmen: The Golden Circle” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

Battle Of The Sexes—Go back in time for this one, back to 1973 and a tennis match between a man, Bobby Riggs (played by Steve Carell) and a woman, Billie Jean King (Emma Stone) to prove who was the stronger, and hence, the winner of this match. This was the BIG MATCH of its time with 90 million viewers. The story actually centers on their private lives, with Riggs the older one. Also in the cast are Sarah Silverman and Elisabeth Shue. “Battle Of The Sexes” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans who remember this tennis match.

The LEGO Ninjago Movie—Yes, LEGO fans, another movie is here.  This time, Lloyd (voice of Dave Franco) is out to protect Ninjago City against a warlord named Garmandon (voice of Justin Theroux). Guess what…the warlord is also Lloyd’s father. Also in the cast of voices is Jackie Chan. “The LEGO Ninjago Movie” is rated PG. Rating of 2 for fans and you know who you are.

Stronger—Jake Gyllenhaal takes on the role of Jeff Bauman, who lost both legs from the Boston Marathon bombing in 2013. This is a story of courage, hardship, and building a new life when you world has crumbled around you. Tatiana Maslany (“Orphan Black”) plays his girlfriend.  “Stronger” is rated R. Rating of 3.

Victoria and Abdul—Can anyone who is the monarch of a nation have a private life? Actually, yes, and this film details the true story of a friendship between Great Britain’s Queen Victoria (played by Dame Judi Dench) and a representative from India, Abdul, who is a Muslim, and played by Ali Fazal. The young man introduced Queen Victoria to a new freedom in her life such as tasting new food,  Being also knows as the Empress of India, Victoria was surprised to know what she did not know about India, and set about, with Abdul’s help, to learn about the country she ruled. This included eating different food and actually laughing and enjoying herself as she neared the end of her reign. Judi Dench also had a somewhat controversial role in “Mrs. Brown” (great soundtrack there) in which it was hinted she liked the man who took care of the royal horses. Being a monarch is a lonely place to be, and friendships are hard to come by, when you rule in a world of everyone asking for favors from you. “Victoria and Abdul” gives us a glimpse into a break in protocol, and is rated PG 13. Rating of 3 for fans.

SEPTEMBER 29, 2017…

American Made has Tom Cruise as the real life double spy, Barry Seal.

Flatliners stars Ellen Page as one of a group of medical students who try to cross over into death and come back.  The first film, years ago, starred Kiefer Sutherland.

Mark Felt – The Man Who Brought Down The White House has Liam Neeson in the title role.

Our Souls At Night stars Robert Redford and Jane Fonda in a special romance.

Woodshock has Kirsten Dunst as a woman experimenting with drugs.

‘Til Death Due Us Part stars Taye Diggs in a film about a controlling marriage.

Lucky (opening in select cities) has Harry Dean Stanton as an atheist.

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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.