September 23, 2016: Friday ONAIRprep

***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS – FREE TO AIR! (Need to receive this earlier than when it’s posted? Get FTP access and receive a fully-produced version FREE with a customized tag specifically for your station or show! Contact me with your ONAIRprep username for details!)

AND NOW… ON WITH THE SHOW!

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20160923

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. And, by the way, tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

I asked God to please help me feel like a kid again. So far the only evidence I’ve seen of a change is my need to take a nap in the middle of the afternoon.

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward.” — Colossians 3:23,24

Rid yourselves of all the offenses you have committed, and get a new heart and a new spirit … Repent and live! –Ezekiel 18:31-32

Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God. — Romans 15:7

Rise in the presence of the aged, show respect for the elderly and revere your God. I am the LORD. — Leviticus 19:32

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work. — 2 Corinthians 9:8

Thought: What a powerful promise! If we are willing to generously share with others in the name of Jesus as the apostle Paul discusses in the previous two verses, we will have what we need and our lives will be full of good deeds that bring glory to God. So let’s remind ourselves of one the very first lessons we should have learned as young children: share! Only this time, as children of God, let’s share in the name of Jesus to bless others so they may come to his grace.

Prayer: Thank you, dear Father, for all the incredible blessings you have poured into my life. You have richly blessed me physically and spiritually. Now I ask that your Spirit will help me be generous with the gifts you have so richly given to me. May my life, O LORD, be a consistent conduit of your blessings so that others may come to know your grace. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

Luke 9:23 NIV = Then he said to them all: “If any would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.

TODAY IS FRIDAY – SEPTEMBER 23, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
98 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is RESTLESS LEGS AWARENESS DAY. ***As a sufferer, just let me say this day is completely unnecessary. There is no way you are not aware that you have Restless Legs. They will not be ignored.

Today is NEPTUNE DAY, marking discovery of the planet on this date in 1846. Neptune is four times larger than Earth and one year on Neptune is equal to 165 Earth years.  ***That means that on Neptune a four hour long morning show on the radio would actually take 660 hours… that’s 27.5 days!

Today is MINIATURE GOLF DAY.  ***The only kind of golf where I don’t feel the need to rap my club around the throat of anyone near me.

Today is THROW SOMETHING AWAY DAY.  ***And as a public service, I’ve thrown away my joke book.  Trust me, it needed to be done.

Today is INNERGIZE DAY, a day to set time aside for yourself to do anything you want to do. ***But what if I want to stay home and not go to work today?  Is that an option?  Apparently not… too late now…

Today is DO IMPRESSIONS OF FAMOUS PEOPLE AROUND THE OFFICE DAY.  ***Just remember, a little Elvis goes a long way.

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Checkers Day (Dogs in Politics Day)

Love Note Day

COMING UP NEXT

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 24

Family Health and Fitness Day USA

Fish Amnesty Day

International Lace Day

International Rabbit Day

Kids Day (Kiwanis)

National Hunting and Fishing Day

National Familial Hypercholesterolemia Day

National Museum Day

National Public Lands Day

National Seat Check Saturday

Nickelodeon’s Worldwide Day of Play

Punctuation Day

Schwenkfelder Thanksgiving

R.E.A.D. In America Day

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 25

Bright Pink Lipstick Day

Gold Star Mother’s Day

International Day of the Deaf

Math Story Telling Day

National One-Hit Wonder Day

National Psychotherapy Day

National Research Administrators Day

Ataxia Awareness Day

World Pharmacists Day

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 26

Family Day – Be Involved. Stay Involved.

Johnny Appleseed Day

National Dumpling Day

Shamu the Whale Day

Situation Awareness Day

World Contraception Day

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 27

Ancestor Appreciation Day

Google’s Birthday

National Voter Registration Day

National Women Road Warrior Day

World Tourism Day

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 28

Banned Websites Awareness Day

Fish Tank Floorshow Night

National Drink Beer Day

National Good Neighbor Day

International Right To Know Day

World Rabies Day

National Women’s Health & Fitness Day

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 29

MAGS Day

Mutation Day

National Biscotti Day

National Attend Your Grandchild’s Birth Day

International Coffee Day

VFW Day

World Heart Day

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 30

Ask a Stupid Question Day

Blasphemy Day

Hug a Vegetarian Day

International Translation Day

National Mulled Cider Day

Save The Koala Day

Support Purple For Platelets Day

Vegan Baking Day

ON THIS DAY

1779: John Paul Jones declared “I have not yet begun to fight!” aboard the American warship Bonhomme Richard in the battle against the British man-of-war Serapis.

1806: After a three-year journey to the Pacific Northwest, the Lewis and Clark expedition returned to St. Lewis.

1846: German astronomer Johann Gottfried Galle discovered the planet Neptune.

1912: Canadian film maker Max Sennett released the first of his Keystone Comedies in New York City. It was financed by two of his bookie friends.

1939: Dr. Sigmund Freud, father of psychoanalysis, died in London at age 83. He had undergone 31 operations to remove malignant tumors from his mouth, caused by heavy cigar-smoking.

1946: In the fastest knockout in boxing history, Al Couture landed one blow on Ralph Walton’s chin in Lewiston, Maine. Total time, including the ten-count: 11 seconds.

1952: Vice presidential candidate Richard Nixon delivered his “Checkers speech” rebutting charges of improper campaign financing.

1969: “Marcus Welby M.D.” debuted on ABC-TV. It starred Robert Young, James Brolin, and Elena Verdugo. (audio clip)

1980: George Adrian of Indianapolis set a world record by picking 365.5 bushels of apples in eight hours. That’s 15,830 pounds.

1986: Congress designated the rose as America’s national flower.

1992: The TV sitcom “Mad About You,” starring Paul Reiser and Helen Hunt, debuted on NBC. (audio clip)

1996: A Cheektowaga, New York, Australian Shepherd named Melbourne became spokesdog for Pasta Plus Pet Foods in a contest with 150 other dogs. Melbourne won because he could bark the word “pasta” on command.

2002: A pair of would-be burglars picked the wrong home to visit when they allegedly broke into the residence of a Dallas police officer. One suspect was shot in the leg trying to flee the scene and both men were arrested.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1595: Led by Fray Juan de Silva, the Spanish begin an intensive missionary campaign in the American southeast. In the following two years, 1,500 Native Americans in the area of Florida, Georgia, and South Carolina convert to the Catholic faith.

1857: Layman-turned-evangelist Jeremiah C. Lanphier holds a lunchtime prayer meeting for businessmen on Fulton Street in New York City. At first, no one shows up, but by the program’s third week, the 40 participants requested daily meetings. Other cities begin similar programs, and a revival—sometimes called “The Third Great Awakening”—catches fire across America.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actress (Rush Hour, A Single Woman, voice Mirage in The Incredibles) Elizabeth Pena 55
  • actor (“Seinfeld”, Shallow Hal) Jason Alexander 57 (audio clip)
  • Actor (The Terminal, I Robot) Chi McBride, 58
  • actress (Julie & Julia, “Big Love”, The Big Chill) Mary Kay Place 69

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1926 : John Coltrane

1930 : Ray Charles

1935 : Les McCann

1938 : Ben E. King

1939 : Roy Buchanan

1943 : John Banks (The Merseybeats)

1943 : Steve Boone (The Lovin’ Spoonful)

1943 : Julio Iglesias

1945 : Paul Petersen

1945 : Ron Bushy (Iron Butterfly)

1947 : Jerry Corbetta (Sugarloaf)

1947 : Neal Smith (Alice Cooper)

1947 : Don Grolnick

1949 : Bruce Springsteen

1959 : Lita Ford

1970 : Ani DiFranco

1972 : Jermaine Dupri

1979 : Erik-Michael Estrada (O-Town)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Why do a series of X’s at the end of a letter – “XX” – stand for kisses?

X was the kiss of death for me in school. It appeared often, in a shameful shade of red, on my short-answer exams, informing me that I was wrong yet again. X is emblazoned on my memory as a scarlet letter, a reminder of my errant ways. But I realize that for many people X just signifies kissy-kissy. How did they come by this peculiar notion? Most people in the Middle Ages were illiterate and signed documents with an “X.” Because of its cross-like appearance, people often kissed the X, as one might kiss a Bible, to show that their signature was solemn and sincere. That’s how X’s got to mean kisses.  ***MARLAR: Related to illiteracy; how do you like that! My relationship to the letter X was in the mainstream all along!

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving three days a week from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

Breaking news from the Jaun Devevo household. The member of Casting Crowns posted: The Cat and Vacuum have come to peaceful terms.

The Afters front man Josh Havens has a unique hobby. He says he loves trying out local coffee shops when he’s on tour! Josh asked: How do you drink your coffee? I take it black.

The Afters want to hear your Battles Stories. First see the words of the band’s latest song by watching the lyric video online. Then submit your battles stories on twitter using the hash tag #TheAftersBattles

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MQJWT017Jwc

Natalie Grant says she finally caved and joined the madness. She is now on Snapchat. Her username is: itsnataliegrant

The band Needtobreathe might be willing to come to your house for a house show but you’re going to need a pretty big house. One fan asked them if they would do a show in her home after finding that the band didn’t have a show scheduled near where she lives. They replied: how big is your house?

Jimmy Needham told his daughter: I’m teaching Paul’s letter to the Galatians tonight. She replied: Which letter? Is it “T”?

The new Crowder album American Prodigal will release this Friday. Earlier this week, Crowder shared the story behind the album. https://youtu.be/jmHMWbfkW5M

What Does “Love Amplified” Look Like? Steven Curtis Chapman talked this week about his song “Love Take Me Over” and the issues of Love that he had been struggling with. https://youtu.be/g_XcjRsTdW8

Tobymac has announced plans for a live CD/DVD combo. The well known Christian artist will record the Hits Deep Live CD and DVD on November 18. It will feature a full live album and concert video of 16 songs. This will mark Tobymac’s first live album in eight years.

Kerrie Roberts isn’t letting the weather slowed her down. She posted: It’s 95 degrees out but I think it’s time to get out the fall decorations!! Who’s with me?

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. As on ONAIRprep subscriber, you can get a fully-produced, customized version of the Daily Dose of Weird News FREE with a station or show specific tag! Email darren@onairprep.com for details!)

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

If Angelina Jolie’s divorce papers didn’t make it official, this certainly will. Madame Tussauds has separated Jolie’s and Brad Pitt’s wax figures. The famous wax museum announced the news early Wednesday morning. “Following the news that has shocked celebrity watchers worldwide, we can confirm we have separated Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s figures,” Mada Tussauds tweeted with a photo of the two figures standing apart. The once inseparable couple now has a random star between them: Robert Pattinson.  *** Sure, Angelina might be blaming Brad Pitt, but apparently Robert Pattinson has come between them.

Scientists think they have discovered a connection between the full moon and earthquakes. A new study suggests that large earthquakes are more likely to occur when there is a full moon. They project the reason is because of the gravitational pull on tides. Large earthquakes tend to occur near to a time of sizable tidal stress, which is often triggered by a full moon.  ***Great… like we didn’t have enough to worry about during a full moon with werewolves… now we gotta worry about outrunning them during an earthquake.

California (Parlier) police officers rescued a kitten from a drainage pipe. Officers Jimenez and Corona coaxed the little kitten to safety with their own meows and a half-eaten burrito.  ***But the cat began hissing and scratching once it realized it was in California and the burrito was vegan-friendly.

A spider is to blame for a rollover crash Wednesday morning near Portland, Oregon. The driver told deputies she was driving when a spider dropped down from her rearview mirror. She lost control and went off the road, rolling the car in a ditch. The car was totaled but the driver escaped without major injuries.  ***We understand the spider is okay too.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

Autumn is officially here, so it’s only fitting that Pumpkin spice Oreos are making their debut this week. ***MARLAR: The tough part is carving the eyes and mouth and getting the candle in to make the cookie glow.

In case you hadn’t heard, this is Climate Change Week, and it’s not too late to celebrate.  You still have time to put up your climate change tree, shop for green gifts, and to have your children write a letter to Al Gore to say they were good this year and that they deserve global warming gifts.

It’s flu-shot season already, and authorities are urging nearly everyone to get vaccinated, except those under 6 months of age. There is even a new high-dose version for people 65 or older.  ***MARLAR: You’ll want to stand in line early though, as each location will have a new ObamaCare death panel to determine whether your life is worth protecting.

Women who enjoy a daily dose of coffee may like this perk: It might lower their risk of stroke.   Women in a Swedish study who drank at least a cup of coffee everyday had a 22 to 25 percent lower risk of stroke, compared to those who drank less coffee or none at all.  “Coffee drinkers should rejoice,” said Dr. Sharonne N. Hayes, a cardiologist at Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minn. “Coffee is often made out to be potentially bad for your heart. There really hasn’t been any study that convincingly said coffee is bad.”  ***MARLAR: I don’t know if this study also applies to men, but I’m not taking any chances – which is why I start each day with a 52oz mug of the stuff.

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Hungry Clock”

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Paul Aldrich, “7-Eleven”

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD FRIDAY’S EPISODE


OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, all of the jungle animals were so scared of a giant-footed monster (a monster that no one had ever really seen, but assumed existed because they saw the footprints) that they’ve all decided to pack up their belongings, and sell everything they own to make it easier to run away!

CLOSE: Who’s going to buy furniture from a skunk? Not without a LOT of Febreeze, at least. And now all of the jungle animals have just as much junk as they started with, they’re still in the jungle, and there is still a giant-footed creature on the loose that nobody has seen! Find out what happens next time, As the Jungle Turns!

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF SEPTEMBER 24/25

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, all of the animals were excited at the possibility of having our next As the Jungle Turns story be about them. Unfortunately, everyone thinks the story should be about them, specifically. Everyone wants to be the star! And you just know that’s going to cause some problems, and suddenly…

CLOSE: It sounds like a really terrible, awful, disgusting, ugly, smelly, terrifying creature… maybe. Who left the giant footprints? Tune in next time – As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

Some folks find out that boating is a bit more difficult than they thought.

Recently, on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem.  No matter how hard they tried, they couldn’t get their brand new 22 foot boat, going.  It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied.  After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong.  A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition.  The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch.  So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath.  He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.  Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!

TOP TEN

TOP TEN FUN THINGS TO DO WITH SOCKS

10. Create a shrine to “Lamb Chop”!

9. Wear them on your hands, instead of mitts. Then, claim that you’ve just returned from Paris and it’s definitely the LATEST!

8. Follow one to see if it will lead you to the single sock burial ground!

7. Make a “Stress Sock” by filling one with mashed potatoes. Then, whenever you’re a bit stressed, simply squeeze to your hearts content. NOTE — (1) Make sure you tie the open end, first! (2) please replace the potatoes frequently!

6. Start a puppet ministry in your church!

5. Attach an elastic to one and wear it over your nose and mouth claiming it’s the only way to beat this new chicken flu!

4. Any time you meet someone new, pull a sock out of your pocket and put it on your hand before shaking!

3. Velcro one to your shoulder and dare people to knock it off!

2. Have the church address printed on them. Then, hand them out, one at a time, as you’re visiting in the community. Tell people that they’ll get the other sock if they come to the service this week!

1. Put one in your mouth upon entering an elevator and tell everyone as loudly as you can that someone just socked you in the mouth!

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Police use a homemade lie detector to trap a not-so-brilliant criminal!

FILE #1: This has got to be one of my favorite Law & Disorder stories of all time… period. Some cops in Portugal were pretty sure the man they were interrogating was guilty, so they hooked him up to a homemade lie-detector. They put a metal spaghetti strainer on the man’s head with wires that lead to a copy machine. On the copier there was a piece of paper that said “He’s lying.” Every time they asked the guy a question about the crime, a cop pushed the copy button and out popped a sheet of paper that said “He’s lying.” Amazed by the cop’s accurate lie detector, the criminal broke down and confessed to three robberies.

FILE #2: A Monroe County, Indiana man was arrested after a 10 minute shootout with police, after he got a bullet in his stomach. He said it was really nothing at all; he was just a bit touchy because he was frustrated over being constipated.

FILE #3: Evan Warner entered a store carrying a shotgun and wearing a long coat and a ski mask. After threatening the clerk he was given the cash from the register, about $100. As he turned to leave, the clerk grabbed the barrel of the shotgun and pulled it away. He also ripped the mask and the coat from our dumb criminal who then ran off. Even though the cops had a good description of the culprit they didn’t have any leads as to just who he was…until he called the sheriff’s office to report his shotgun as stolen. He’s been arrested.

STRANGE LAW: Salem, Oregon has barred women’s wrestling.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

Asking a police officer for directions is one thing.  Asking him where you can buy illegal drugs is DUMB!

Police in West Fargo, North Dakota say that 20-year-old Grace Sium called them Saturday morning and asked where she could buy marijuana. The dispatcher told her the drug is illegal, but she persisted. So, the dispatcher told her they had some in a locker. Yes, she did actually show up at the police station and attempted to purchase the pot for $3. It bought her a jail cell.

PHONER PHUN

Anyone do an impression of a famous person? Call in and let us guess who you’re doing the voice of!

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Where in the Bible do we find the phrase: “The skin of my teeth.”



ANSWER: Job 19:20

QUESTION: Miriam and Aaron were upset with Moses because he married a woman who was an _________?
ANSWER: Ethiopian (Numbers 12)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: What was the first hurricane given a male name?
ANSWER: “Bob,” in July 1979.

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. According to math experts, a deck of playing cards must be shuffled at least seven times to adequately randomize the cards. (TRUE)

2. The invention that made Alfred Nobel, benefactor of the Nobel Prizes, so wealthy was chewing gum. (FALSE: it was Dynamite)

3. The waterbed was invented by the ancient Chinese. (FALSE: it was invented in 1832 by Scottish surgeon Neil Arnott as a way of improving patients’ comfort.)

4. Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone to help his wife. (TRUE: His wife was deaf, so was his mother. He was originally an instructor for deaf children)

5. Clara Peller made the catch-phrase “Gag Me With a Spoon” popular in the 1980s. (FALSE: Clara Peller appeared in commercials for Wendy’s and made the phrase “Where’s the beef?” popular.)

6. The loose skin hanging from the neck of a chicken is known as a “Wattle”. (TRUE: That’s wattle with two “T”s. Waddle with two “D”s is the way a duck walks!)

7. Over half the cost of every bottle of beer sold in America goes to state and federal taxes. (FALSE: but it’s still high at 43%)

8. It takes a lobster seven years to grow to be one pound! (TRUE: No wonder they’re so expensive!)

9. Most people in China don’t eat cheese. (TRUE: it’s just not a big thing over there)

10. In the classic arcade video game PacMan, logs floating in a river sometimes mysteriously turned into hungry alligators. (FALSE: That’s a description of Frogger)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

AMERICANS HEAD TO MEXICO FOR ________ (JOBS)

MEXICO CITY –  Americans, in the hundreds of thousands, are crossing the border into Mexico -looking for work.

There were ZERO jobs created in the United States last week.  Unemployment remains over 9.1% and if you consider all the Americans that have stopped looking for work, the number is closer to 20%.

The answer for a large group of Americans:   Mexico.

The Mexican economy is booming.  Many of  the illegal immigrants that  have come to the United States have turned around and headed back to Mexico.  Yes, there are drug cartels killing citizens, police officers and government officials, but there are jobs there and Americans are willing to take the risk.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

The old cowboy was dying and his young grandson was visiting at his bedside. “Grandpapa, can you tell me one thing?”

“You’re my grandson, of course I’ll tell you anything. What do you want to know?” said the old cowboy.

“Grandpapa, how did you live so long?”

“Well, son,” the cowboy said in a dry raspy voice, from too many hard winters in the Texas panhandle, “You just sprinkle a little gunpowder on your oatmeal every morning and you’ll live for a long, long time.”

The young man faithfully did what his Grandpapa told him and he lived to be 93, had 14 kids, 28 grand kids, 53 great grand kids and blew the doors off the oven when they tried to cremate him.

JOKE #2

Two older women who were rivals in a social circle met at a party.

“My dear,” said the first woman “Are those real pearls?”

“They are,” replied the second woman.

“Of course the only way I could tell would be for me to bite them,” smiled the first woman.

The second responded “Yes, but for that you would need real teeth.”

JOKE #3

Every Friday after work, a mathematician goes down to the Ice Cream Parlor, sits in the second-to-last seat, turns to the last seat, which is empty, and asks a girl, who isn’t there, if he can buy her an ice cream cone.

The owner, who is used to the weird, local university types, always shrugs but keeps quiet.

But when Valentine’s Day arrives, and the mathematician makes a particularly heart wrenching plea into empty space, curiosity gets the better of him, and he says, “I apologize for my stupid questions, but surely you know there is NEVER a woman sitting in that last stool, man. Why do you persist in talking to empty space?”

The mathematician replies, “Well, according to quantum physics, empty space is never truly empty. Virtual particles come into existence and vanish all the time. You never know when the proper wave function will collapse and a girl might suddenly appear there.”

The owner raises his eyebrows. “Really? Interesting. But couldn’t you just ask one of the girls who comes here every Friday if you could buy HER a cone? You never know … she might say yes.”

The mathematician laughs. “Yeah, right. How likely is THAT to happen?”

USELESS FACTS

In Russia some dogs have been trained to discover iron ore by smelling it.  ***MARLAR: And they always seem to find it under the tails of other dogs.

Men in their 40s and 50s who eat seven or more eggs a week have a higher risk of dying earlier, according to a 20-year study of male physicians by researchers at Brigham and Women’s Hospital and Harvard Medical School. It gets worse. Men who have diabetes and eat any eggs at all raise their risk of an early death.  ***MARLAR: Does that include Cadbury’s?

FEATURED FUNNIES

Little Sister
Used to being the center of attention, Robbie was a little more than jealous of his new baby sister. The parents sat him down and said that now that she was getting older, the house was too small and they’d have to move. “It’s no use.” Robbie said, “She’s crawling good now and she’d probably just follow us.”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

BUG OFF

A radio station has found a way to keep mosquitoes away… by using your radio!

A radio station in Vienna is broadcasting something that can’t be heard. Sure, they’re still playing the music and everything, but they’re also broadcasting a very high frequency that we cannot hear. Why? Because mosquitoes can hear the signal… and they don’t like it! Energy 104.2 in Vienna has added the anti-mosquito sound to its airwaves as a public service for its listeners. ***MARLAR: We’re doing something similar here on this station – trying to find a sound that repels door-to-door salesmen.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

THE ROOM (author unknown)
In that place between wakefulness and dreams, I found myself in the room. There were no distinguishing features except for the one wall covered with small index card files. They were like the ones in libraries that list titles by author or subject in alphabetical order. But these files, which stretched from floor to ceiling and seemingly endlessly in either direction, had very different headings.
As I drew near the wall of files, the first to catch my attention was one that read “Girls I have Liked”. I opened it and began flipping through the cards. I quickly shut it, shocked to realize that I recognized the names written on each one. And then without being told, I knew exactly where I was. This lifeless room with its small files was a crude catalog system for my life. Here were written the actions of my every moment, big and small, in a detail my memory couldn’t possibly match.
A sense of wonder and curiosity, coupled with horror, stirred within me as I began randomly opening files and exploring their content. Some brought joy and sweet memories; others a sense of shame and regret so intense that I would look over my shoulder to see if anyone was watching.
A file named “Friends” was next to one marked “Friends I have Betrayed”. The titles ranged from the mundane to the outright weird. “Books I Have Read”, “Lies I Have Told”, “Comfort I Have Given”, “Jokes I Have Laughed at”. Some were almost hilarious in their exactness: “Things I’ve Yelled at My Brother”. Others I couldn’t laugh at: “Things I Have Done in My Anger”, “Things I Have Muttered Under My Breath at my Parents/ My Boss”.
I never ceased to be surprised by the contents. Often there were many more cards than I expected. Sometimes fewer than I hoped. I was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of the life I had lived. Could it be possible that I had the time in my 20 years to write each of these thousands or even millions of cards? But each card confirmed this truth. Each was written in my own handwriting. Each signed with my signature.
When I pulled out the file marked “Song I Have Heard”, I realized the files grew to contain their contents. The cards were packed tightly, and yet after two or three yards, I hadn’t found the end of the file. I shut it, shamed, not so much by the quality of music, but more by the vast amount of time I knew that file represented.
When I came to a file marked “Lustful Thoughts”, I felt a chill run through my body. I pulled the file out only an inch, not willing to test its size, and drew out a card. I shuddered at its detailed content. I felt sick to think that such a moment had been recorded. An almost animal rage broke on me.
One thought dominated my mind: “No one must ever see these cards! No one must ever see this room! I have to destroy them!” In an insane frenzy I yanked the file out. Its size didn’t mattered now. I had to empty it and burn the cards. But as I took it at one end and began pounding it on the floor, I could not dislodge a single card. I became desperate and pulled out a card, only to find it as strong as steel when I tried to tear it.
Defeated and utterly helpless, I returned the file to its slot. Leaning my forehead against the wall, I let out a long, self-pitying sigh. And then I saw it. The title bore “People I Have Shared the Gospel With”. the handle was brighter than those around it, newer, almost unused. I pulled on its handle and a small box not more than three inches long fell into my hands. I could count the cards it contained on one hand. And then the tears came. I began to weep. Sobs so deep that the hurt started in my stomach and shook through me. I fell on my knees and cried.
I cried out of shame, from the overwhelming shame of it all. The rows of file shelves swirled in my tear-filled eyes. No one must ever, ever know of this room. I must lock it up and hide the key. But then as I pushed away the tears, I saw Him. No, please not Him. Not here. Oh, anyone but Jesus.
I watched helplessly as He began to open the files and read the cards. I couldn’t bear to watch His response. And in the moments I could bring myself to look at His face, I saw a sorrow deeper than my own. He seemed to intuitively go to the worst boxes. Why did He have to read every one? Finally He turned and looked at me from across the room. He looked at me with pity in His eyes. But this was a pity that didn’t anger me. I dropped my head, covered my face with my hands and began to cry again. He walked over and put His arm around me He could have said so many things. But He didn’t say a word. He just cried with me.
Then He got up and walked back to the wall of files. Starting at one end of the room, He took out a file and, one by one, began to sign His name over mine on each card.
“No!” I shouted rushing to Him. All I could find to say was “No, No, ” as I pulled the card from Him. His name shouldn’t be on these cards. But there it was, written in red so rich, so dark, so alive. The name of Jesus covered mine. It was written with His blood. He gently took the card back. He smiled a sad smile and began to sign the cards.
I don’t think I’ll ever understand how He did it so quickly, but the next instant it seemed I heard Him close the last file and walk back to my side. He placed His hand on my shoulder and said, “It is finished.”
I stood up, and He led me out of the room. There was no lock on its door. There were still cards to be written.

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

LIVING WITH GRACE

Read: 1 Peter 5:5-11

Be clothed with humility, for “God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble.” —1 Peter 5:5

Kevin Rogers, pastor of a church in Canada, has likened the grace of God to an imaginary secretary who compels him to treat other people as God does. Rogers writes: “Grace is my secretary, but she won’t let me obey my Day-Timer. She lets the strangest people into my workspace to interrupt me. Somehow she lets calls get through that I would prefer to leave for a more convenient time. Doesn’t Grace know that I have an agenda? Some days I wish that Grace weren’t here. But Grace has an amazing way of covering my mistakes and turning the office into a holy place. Grace finds good in everything, even failures.”
By God’s grace—His unmerited love and favor—we have been forgiven in Christ. God tells us that instead of relating to others from a position of superiority, we must put others ahead of ourselves. We should wear the clothes of humility because He “resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble” (1 Peter 5:5).
When “the God of all grace” (v.10) controls our lives, He can transform interruptions into opportunities, mistakes into successes, pride into humility, and suffering into strength. That’s the amazing power of God. That’s the evidence of His grace! —David McCasland

THINKING IT THROUGH
How have you seen grace at work in your life lately?
In what areas of life do you see a need for grace?
To whom can you demonstrate God’s grace today?

When you know God’s grace, you’ll want to show God’s grace.

LEFTOVERS

You can buy just about anything on eBay nowadays… even a fire truck!

The Mount Penn Fire Company in Pennsylvania turned to eBay to buy a fire truck. The fire company solicited bids for a new ladder truck and got one quote for $808,000. They decided that was too much, so firefighter David Schwoyer turned to the Internet and found a 1992 Seagrave ladder truck being sold by the Cincinnati fire department. The Mount Penn firefighters had to sweat out waiting to see if they had won the auction, which they did on a bid of $12,000. The truck needed a new motor and a full renovation, but officials say when it’s finished in January, they’ll have a like-new machine for less than $250,000. ***MARLAR: Now that’s a hot bargain!

LIFE… LIVE IT

TOP TEN FOODS YOU SHOULD NEVER EAT ON A FIRST DATE

(from The Hot Dish)

A first date can be a nightmare of anxiety. You want to make a good impression, so you agonize over what to wear, or you rehearse intelligent things to say. So for goodness sake don’t ruin it all by ordering some foolish food at dinner that is likely to make you a source of comedy or embarrassment for the rest of the night. What are these danger foods, you ask?  We’ve helpfully compiled a list of the Top 10 foods that any sensible person should avoid when dining with a new companion. And don’t let the title of this post fool you. These rules are in force for every meal until you and your partner get married, and they apply just as much to business meetings.

10. Spaghetti: Yes, we all saw Lady and the Tramp, but that was a cartoon and they were dogs. In the real world, spaghetti is a romantic deal killer. There’s nothing remotely sexy about watching you Hoover up wayward strands of pasta or listening to the constant screech of your fork against spoon or plate. And by the end of the meal, that hot outfit you’re wearing is guaranteed to be splattered with flecks of tomato-basil sauce. You still want pasta? Order the ravioli.

9. Soup: No matter how delicious, it’s a dating disaster. Like spaghetti, it’s impossible to eat gracefully: the slurping, the backsplash. Goodness gracious, if you want to make a fool of yourself just stick the flatware up your nose and be done with it. When your server asks, “Soup or salad?” the answer is salad. Always.

8. Veal: There’s nothing difficult or embarrassing about eating veal. The problem is it’s made from calves raised in crates the size of a shoebox. Depending on the politics of your date, ordering that osso buco is basically like saying, “I believe in torturing baby farm animals.” It’s a conversation starter, sure. But not a conversation you want to have.

7. Garlic: Here’s a surefire way to guarantee your date ends in a handshake instead of a kiss… order the garlic shrimp. Or the garlic bread. Or the pizza with garlic. Ain’t no amount of furtive breath mints gonna mask your stanky breath. Not tonight, and probably not till Tuesday.

6. Watermelon, corn on the cob: Admittedly these don’t come up much on first dates. But if you’re getting together at a picnic or a friend’s backyard barbecue, better keep these off the list. In the history of the world no one has eaten a watermelon without looking like a slobbering goof. And if you’re looking to impress a date, avoid food that requires you to slide your face across a buttered surface and is guaranteed to lodge kernels so deep into your teeth you can’t remove them with hydraulic tools.

5. Ice cream cone: A refreshing little cone of Double Chocolate Oreo Mint might seem adorably romantic on a summer day, but it’s a disastrous idea for three reasons. First, your date will be judging you from the get-go (Does plain strawberry mean she’s too conservative? Does bubble gum prove he’s immature?). Second, the minute you step outside, the laws of thermodynamics become your enemy, and your rapidly melting Raspberry Mocha Swirl turns you into a frantically licking moron. Which brings us to reason three: On any first date, avoid foods you have to lick. No guy needs that kind of pressure. No woman wants that kind of attention.

4. Spinach dip, tabbouleh, pesto sauce: You say you’ve climbed the highest peaks on five continents? You recently returned from rebuilding Haiti? You just sold the film rights to your novel? Doesn’t matter. You have a little green leaf stuck between your teeth. You’re a doofus.

3. Burgers: First of all, on a first date, never order food you eat with your hands. Hamburgers are messy. After three bites your arms are covered in a revolting slime of mayo, grease, and special sauce, and your tomato is hanging precariously from the back of your bun. If you’re lucky it will land on your plate. Second of all–burgers? Really? Why don’t you just announce to your date: “I am not a provider.”

2. Barbecue, chicken wings, fried chicken: What did we just say? No hands food! You may love a good plate of ribs or buffalo wings, but by the time you’re finished you’ll look like a 3-year-old in a high chair. You could try using a knife and fork, but then you’ll just look like a priss. No. Heck no.

1. Mexican, Indian, Szechuan, Thai food: What? This is nuts, you say. Whole categories of dining off-limits? But think for a minute: What do all these foods have in common? Spice. And what does spice lead to? Come on, we’ve all been there: You’re out with someone you like and respect, eating Thai food just the way you like it–hot and spicy–when all of a sudden you’re seized with dread, and you realize: It’s begun. A slow rivulet of snot is inexorably descending from your left nostril. It doesn’t matter if you catch it in time. More will follow. Rivers. Gushers. Your nose has become the Deepwater Horizon of mucus, and no napkin on earth can help you now. You start snorting like a hog. You pray your date will look away so you can wipe your sleeve. Please! you beg to the patron saint of dating nightmares. Just look away! Nice going, Romeo. You’d have been better off with the veal.

JUST FOR FUN

MAGIC MONEY

A magician is in a little trouble for making money during his act.

A magician in Swaziland is under investigation after he claimed that he could create money during his act. The Central Bank states that only they have the power to issue notes with all the appropriate features, and that Magician German Lukhele’s money will be checked to see if it is counterfeit. ***MARLAR: At least we know where his bail money would be coming from.

FUN LIST

The sweatiest U.S. city is Phoenix, according to Procter & Gamble, makers of Old Spice deodorant and cologne. The company measured the typical perspiration level of the typical resident on a typical summer day in 100 major U.S. cities. The company estimated the amount of sweat an average-weight individual would produce by walking for an hour in that city’s average high temperatures in June, July and August. In Phoenix, you can expect to produce 26 ounces of sweat per hour on a typical summer day when the temperature hits the average high of 93.3 degrees. Here’s the top ten:

  • Phoenix

  • Las Vegas

  • Tucson

  • Dallas

  • Corpus Christi, TX

  • San Antonio

  • Austin

  • Shreveport, LA

  • Houston

  • Waco, TX

The five least sweatiest cities were:

  • San Francisco

  • Seattle

  • Spokane, WA

  • Portland, OR

  • Portland, ME

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

You want to sound smart and savvy on your resume, and the best way to do that is never use these 10 worn-out and clichéd phrases.

…Instead, write a thoughtful, accurate description of your previous employment without using meaningless, hackneyed buzzwords. That’s the advice of The Savvy Networker blog, which warns that using the wrong words on your resume could doom it to the bowels of the corporate shredder. The 10 worst canned phrases to use on a resume:

  1. Results-oriented professional

  2. Cross-functional teams

  3. More than [x] years of progressively responsible experience

  4. Superior (or excellent) communication skills

  5. Strong work ethic

  6. Met or exceeded expectations

  7. Proven track record of success

  8. Works well with all levels of staff

  9. Team player

  10. Bottom-line orientation

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

Stacy Koltiska is no longer a cafeteria worker at Wylandville Elementary School, in the town of Eighty Four, Pennsylvania. While she says she loves her job, she quit out of disgust saying she can no longer take hot meals away from kids who can’t pay for them. Apparently a new school policy requires workers to refuse hot meals to kids whose parents owe $25 or more for lunches. If they are in kindergarten to grade 6, they are allowed to have bread and a slice of “government cheese.” Older kids owing $25 or more get no lunch at all. Koltiska says the “lunch shaming” policy has forced her to take hot meals from kids, throw them away, and still charge them for the meal. In a Facebook post Koltiska wrote: “The first week of school on Friday, I had to take a little first grade boys chicken and give him this ‘cheese sandwich. I will never forget the look on his face and then his eyes welled up with tears.” District Superintendent Matthew Daniels says the policy isn’t intended to shame or embarrass children and it doesn’t target kids who qualify for free lunches. He also notes that before the policy was instituted, around 300 families owed the district $60,000 to $100,000 annually, and now it is down to fewer than 70 families owing less than $20,000.

A church and its pastor provided hope where there was little and gave unconditional love when it was needed most during south Louisiana’s record flooding. According to the Baptist Press, in spite of battling rising floodwater himself, pastor Pat Deshotel and members of First Baptist Church in Welsh set aside their own problems to aid their neighbors. Special attention was given to a pair of widows in the town of 3,000. Each lost a husband just before the rain and flooding began in mid-August. First Baptist also became a safe haven for others, distributing critical supplies, hot meals and “a little muscle.” http://ow.ly/IIkB304muHW

Imagine nearly everyone in the world holding a “gospel tract” that they check several times a day. According to Charisma News, that’s what technology provides for believers who want to share their faith. With most of the modern world referring to their mobile devices, there’s an app that tells about Jesus in a fresh, winsome way—often using the testimonies of celebrities. It’s a website and an app called “yesHeis,” the brainchild of a wealthy British businessman with a heart for ministry. http://bit.ly/1BoYdnt

Time Magazine says there is a weekly exercise that could change your career. No, it’s not pushups or running over your lunch break. According to the report, it’s picking up a pen and sending out one hand written note each week. The author did just that and was amazed by the response received from the recipients. Although the author wrote each note without expecting anything in return, nearly every person that received a hand written was so moved that they did something in return. http://ti.me/1HVXRtN

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Scientists report that nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

SEPTEMBER 23, 2016…

The Magnificent Seven—Here comes another remake of this classic western.  Denzel Washington plays the leader of this group of mercenaries with Chris Pratt as his right hand gun. It is the familiar story of a group of gunslingers who protect a defenseless town from the bad guys. Also in the cast are Ethan Hawke and Haley Bennett. The original film with William Holden came out in 1960 and that was adapted from “Seven Samuari” by Akira Kurosawa. “The Magnificent Seven” is rated R. Rating of 3 for fans.

Storks—In this animated film, what to do when your boss (the Head Stork) decides you shouldn’t deliver babies anymore, but you still have one child left.  Such is the dilemma of Andy Samberg as the lone stork and Kelsey Grammar as his boss. Katie Crown is also in the cast. “Storks” is rated PG. No rating.

The Dressmaker—Rosalie Ham wrote quite a novel about a dressmaker and it is a story of good luck and bad luck. Kate Winslet takes on this role of a woman who has sewing skills and decides to open a dress shop in the far reaches of Australia, thus giving woman there a chance at fashionable attire. Bold move. Also in the cast is Liam Hemsworth. “The Dressmaker” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for Kate Winslet fans.

The Hollars—John Krasinski (“The Office”) writes and directs this film about a man going to visit his family and finding they are still as dysfunctional as usual. The cast includes Sharito Copley, Anna Kendrick and Charlie Day. “The Hollars” is rated PG 13. No rating.

Beauty And The Beast—Here is, yet again, another re-telling of the famed story of a handsome man turned into a beast, and trying to find someone to love him so he can turn back. The stars are Vincent Cassel and Lea Seydoux. No music here. “Beauty And The Beast” is rated PG-13. No rating.

Dough (opening in select cities)—Jonathan Pryce (“Game of Thrones”) is the Jewish baker, Nat, who tries to keep his business going by avoiding a greedy real estate developer. When he takes on a young assistant from Dakar (Jerome Holder), things look bright.  Or are they?  Also in the cast is Natasha Gordon.  “Dough” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for bread-making fans.

SEPTEMBER 30, 2016…

Miss Peregrine’s Home For Peculiar Children is based on the famous novel (first of several books in the series) about special “gifted” children who are sometimes hunted for their abilities.

Deepwater Horizon and the film concerns the oil spill that was top news for months and months.

Masterminds follows a true story about armored car drivers who want to do a robbery. Stars Kristin Wiig and Owen Wilson.

Denial stars Rachel Weisz in a real life court case about the Holocaust.

(new opening date) Masterminds is about two armored truck drivers, one of which is  Zach Galifianakis. A comedy.

The Queen of Katwa is about a young woman from Uganda who becomes a chess champion. True story.

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WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.