September 24, 2016: Saturday ONAIRprep

***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS – FREE TO AIR! (Need to receive this earlier than when it’s posted? Get FTP access and receive a fully-produced version FREE with a customized tag specifically for your station or show! Contact me with your ONAIRprep username for details!)

AND NOW… ON WITH THE SHOW!

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20160924

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

And now, it’s (THE JOCK SHOW) – starring me, a man who does not have a serious brain in his body.

It’s casual day at the radio station – so in the spirit of things, I’m doing the show in my Spiderman pajamas. And in answer to your next question, no, they are not footsies, because I’m an adult.

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“But the righteous will live by his faith.” –Habakkuk 2:4

“He himself bore our sins” in his body on the cross, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; “by his wounds you have been healed.” –1 Peter 2:24

We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. — Romans 5:3-4

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

[Jesus said] “By myself I can do nothing; I judge only as I hear, and my judgment is just, for I seek not to please myself but him who sent me.” — John 5:30

Thought: “So who you tryin’ to please, anyway?” These words of my dad still ring in my ears. His point? There are only two we MUST please: (1) our Father in heaven, because all praise and honor is due to him, and (2) ourselves, because we want to know that we’ve done the best we could do and been the best we could be. But I guess I’ve learned over the years that I can’t begin to do the second of those very well without seeking the first one. Don’t you hope that someday you reach the place where you can join Jesus in saying with absolute assurance: “I seek not to please myself but him who sent me!” The closer we approach that reality, the more we realize that we can’t do anything of eternal significance on our own. Only when we live to honor God do we find the significance and have the impact that our lives were made to have.

Prayer: Almighty and Righteous Father, I know that without you I can do nothing that is of lasting significance. I have tried my own way and failed. I have sought my own good and seen my success short-lived. I want to live now, today and the rest of my life to please you. As I do this, I am confident that you will provide what I need and that you will empower me to do what you would have me do. In Jesus’ name I thank you. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

Luke 9:24 NIV = For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it.

TODAY IS SATURDAY – SEPTEMBER 24, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
97 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

This is TAKE CHARGE OF YOUR TV WEEK. ***MARLAR: Isn’t that what the remote control is for?

Today is SHARE A BANANA SPLIT WITH SOMEONE YOU LOVE DAY.  ***MARLAR: Share?!?! I have to admit, I’m not sure I love anyone that much.

Today is KISS DAY.  ***MARLAR: The act of affection that is… not the rock group. (And I might actually kiss you if you bring me a banana split!) This is KISS DAY because in 1984, Eddie Levin and Delphine Crha finished history’s longest kiss in Chicago. The couple kissed for 17 days 10.5 hours, then celebrated their new record… with a kiss. And got their braces stuck together again.

This is NATIONAL DOG WEEK. ***MARLAR: Combine the week with Kiss Day at your own risk.

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Family Health and Fitness Day USA

Fish Amnesty Day

International Lace Day

International Rabbit Day

Kids Day (Kiwanis)

National Hunting and Fishing Day

National Familial Hypercholesterolemia Day

National Museum Day

National Public Lands Day

National Seat Check Saturday

Nickelodeon’s Worldwide Day of Play

Punctuation Day

Schwenkfelder Thanksgiving

R.E.A.D. In America Day

COMING UP NEXT

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 25

Bright Pink Lipstick Day

Gold Star Mother’s Day

International Day of the Deaf

Math Story Telling Day

National One-Hit Wonder Day

National Psychotherapy Day

National Research Administrators Day

Ataxia Awareness Day

World Pharmacists Day

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 26

Family Day – Be Involved. Stay Involved.

Johnny Appleseed Day

National Dumpling Day

Shamu the Whale Day

Situation Awareness Day

World Contraception Day

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 27

Ancestor Appreciation Day

Google’s Birthday

National Voter Registration Day

National Women Road Warrior Day

World Tourism Day

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 28

Banned Websites Awareness Day

Fish Tank Floorshow Night

National Drink Beer Day

National Good Neighbor Day

International Right To Know Day

World Rabies Day

National Women’s Health & Fitness Day

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 29

MAGS Day

Mutation Day

National Biscotti Day

National Attend Your Grandchild’s Birth Day

International Coffee Day

VFW Day

World Heart Day

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 30

Ask a Stupid Question Day

Blasphemy Day

Hug a Vegetarian Day

International Translation Day

National Mulled Cider Day

Save The Koala Day

Support Purple For Platelets Day

Vegan Baking Day

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 01

CD Player Day

Cephalopod Awareness Day

Fire Pup Day

Frugal Fun Day

International Day of Older Persons

Inter-American Water Day

International Music Day

Model T Day

National Book It! Day

National Lace Day

National Walk your Dog Day

Vegan Baking Day

World Card Making Day

World Vegetarian Day

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 02

Change a Light Day

Country Inn Bed & Breakfast Day

Guardian Angels Day

Intergeneration Day

International African Diaspora Day

International Blessings of the Fishing Fleet Day

International Day of Non-Violence

Islamic New Year

National Custodial Workers Day

Phileas Fogg’s Wager Day

Rosh Hashanah

World Communion Day

World Farm Animals Day

MONDAY, OCTOBER 03

Child Health Day

Day of Unity

Techie’s Day

World Day of Architecture

World Day of Bullying Prevention (Blue Shirt Day)

World Habitat Day

ON THIS DAY

1789: Congress passed the First Judiciary Act which provided for a U.S. attorney general and the Supreme Court.

1927: The NHL Toronto St. Patricks became the Maple Leafs. ***MARLAR: The Maple Leaves? Is that supposed to be intimidating? Look out! The LEAVES are coming! We’re sure to lose!

1936: Jim Henson was born in Greenville, Mississippi. He created Kermit the Frog, Big Bird, Bert & Ernie, Miss Piggy, Oscar the Grouch, Cookie Monster, Grover, Sherlock Hemlock, Mr. Snuffleuppagus, Roosevelt Franklin, and a hundred other Muppets. He won 18 Emmys, 17 Grammys, and four Peabody Awards. He died in 1993. (audio clip)

1957: The Brooklyn Dodgers played their last game at Ebbets Field, defeating the Pittsburgh Pirates 2-0.

1960: The Enterprise, the first nuclear-powered aircraft carrier, was launched.

1968: CBS premiered the television news magazine “60 Minutes.”

1969: The trial of the “Chicago Eight,” radical antiwar and counterculture activists accused of conspiring to incite riots at the 1968 Democratic convention, began.

1976: Newspaper heiress Patricia Hearst was sentenced to seven years in prison for her part in a 1974 bank robbery. She served 22 before receiving clemency from President Carter.

1984: Eddie Levin and Delphine Crha finished history’s longest kiss in Chicago. The couple kissed for 17 days 10.5 hours, then celebrated their new record with a kiss.

1984: Actor Neil Hamilton died at age 85. He played Commissioner Gordon on TV’s Batman. (audio clip)

1986: The Toronto Blue Jays hit 10 home runs against the Baltimore Orioles to set a major league baseball record for most homers in a 9 inning game.

1991: Children’s author Theodor Seuss Geisel, better known as Dr. Seuss, died at age 87. (audio clip)

1996: The United States and the world’s other major nuclear powers signed a treaty to end all testing and development of nuclear weapons.

1997: The TV sitcom “Dharma & Greg” debuted on ABC. (audio clip)

1998: Elvis Presley was inducted into the Country Music Hall of Fame.

2002: Howick Village, New Zealand, under and agreement with the national postal service, became one of the first towns to issue its own postage stamps. Unfortunately, the first batch of 20,000 stamps were printed with the sticky side on the front instead of the back.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

787: The Second Council of Nicea begins under Pope Hadrian I. The council condemned iconoclasm. The Roman Catholic Church considers this as the seventh of the 21 ecumenical councils; the Eastern Orthodox churches consider this the last of the ecumenical councils.

1757: Jonathan Edwards, perhaps America’s most brilliant theologian and a father of American revivalism, becomes president of the College of New Jersey (later Princeton). He served as president until his death in 1758.

1794: Russian Orthodox priest-monk Father Juvenaly, his brother Stephen, and eight other monks arrive at Kodiak Island, Alaska. After two years of ministry, the team had led 12,000 Alaskans to embrace the gospel. Juvenaly then extended his mission to the mainland, where he was reportedly martyred in 1796.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • Actor (“Malcolm in the Middle”) Kyle Sullivan, 27 (audio clip)

  • Actress (“Party of Five’s” Jill Holbrook, “Melrose Place”) Megan Ward, 47 (audio clip)

  • Actress (My Big Fat Greek Wedding, Connie and Carla) Nia Vardalos, 54

  • actor (“Hercules”) Kevin Sorbo 58

    actor Gordon Clapp (“NYPD Blue”) 68 (audio clip)

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1931 : Anthony Newley

1933 : Mel Taylor (The Ventures)

1936 : Jim Henson

1940 : Barbara Allbut (The Angels)

1941 : Linda McCartney

1942 : Jiggs Allbut (The Angels)

1942 : Gerry Marsden (Gerry and the Pacemakers)

1946 : Jerry Donahue (Fairport Convention)

1962 : Cedric Dent (Take 6)

1971 : Marty Cintron (No Mercy)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Why does yeast make dough rise?

Not so long ago it was a good bet that the stock market would make your dough rise. But not so much now. Maybe we should be investing in yeast? Okay… so it doesn’t raise that kind of dough. Without yeast, you will end up with matzo, the “unleavened” bread of the Jewish holiday of Passover. Yeast consists of one-celled plants that constantly split to form other plants. During this process they make two enzymes that, when mixed into flour and water, cause the resulting dough to ferment, or leaven. During fermentation, the starch in the dough is changed into sugar and then alcohol and carbon dioxide. The carbon dioxide bubbles form throughout the dough, puffing it up. The alcohol and yeast disappear during baking, leaving you with bread. Next time your stockbroker advises putting your dough to work in the market, hand him a loaf of whole wheat and see what he says.

Source: HOW A FLY WALKS UPSIDE DOWN by Martin M. Goldwyn

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving three days a week from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

Breaking news from the Jaun Devevo household. The member of Casting Crowns posted: The Cat and Vacuum have come to peaceful terms.

The Afters front man Josh Havens has a unique hobby. He says he loves trying out local coffee shops when he’s on tour! Josh asked: How do you drink your coffee? I take it black.

The Afters want to hear your Battles Stories. First see the words of the band’s latest song by watching the lyric video online. Then submit your battles stories on twitter using the hash tag #TheAftersBattles

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MQJWT017Jwc

Natalie Grant says she finally caved and joined the madness. She is now on Snapchat. Her username is: itsnataliegrant

The band Needtobreathe might be willing to come to your house for a house show but you’re going to need a pretty big house. One fan asked them if they would do a show in her home after finding that the band didn’t have a show scheduled near where she lives. They replied: how big is your house?

Jimmy Needham told his daughter: I’m teaching Paul’s letter to the Galatians tonight. She replied: Which letter? Is it “T”?

The new Crowder album American Prodigal will release this Friday. Earlier this week, Crowder shared the story behind the album. https://youtu.be/jmHMWbfkW5M

What Does “Love Amplified” Look Like? Steven Curtis Chapman talked this week about his song “Love Take Me Over” and the issues of Love that he had been struggling with. https://youtu.be/g_XcjRsTdW8

Tobymac has announced plans for a live CD/DVD combo. The well known Christian artist will record the Hits Deep Live CD and DVD on November 18. It will feature a full live album and concert video of 16 songs. This will mark Tobymac’s first live album in eight years.

Kerrie Roberts isn’t letting the weather slowed her down. She posted: It’s 95 degrees out but I think it’s time to get out the fall decorations!! Who’s with me?

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. As on ONAIRprep subscriber, you can get a fully-produced, customized version of the Daily Dose of Weird News FREE with a station or show specific tag! Email darren@onairprep.com for details!)

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Colorblind”

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Mike Williams, “Grape Nuts/Chunky Monkey”

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE


OPEN: When last we left the jungle, all of the animals were frantically trying to sell all of their possessions so they could run away from the jungle to escape a giant-footed creature that nobody has really even seen yet – just footprints. And the sales were so great, that everyone bought everyone else’s stuff, so now all of the animals have just as much stuff as they started with! Except one animal… who’s still working on his sign!

CLOSE: I’m sure Millard is just kidding about that. That is one smart skunk! Tune in again next time for more of our story, as FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF SEPTEMBER 24/25

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, all of the animals were excited at the possibility of having our next As the Jungle Turns story be about them. Unfortunately, everyone thinks the story should be about them, specifically. Everyone wants to be the star! And you just know that’s going to cause some problems, and suddenly…

CLOSE: It sounds like a really terrible, awful, disgusting, ugly, smelly, terrifying creature… maybe. Who left the giant footprints? Tune in next time – As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

Companies try to lower their gas prices to give their customers a break – and end up in trouble with the law for it!

When gasoline prices soared so high that many people couldn’t afford to even drive to work any longer, the government of the great state of Minnesota decided to step in and do something about it.  And the residents of Minnesota couldn’t have been LESS happy about it.  Minnesota decided that it was the right time, when gasoline prices in the US were at an all time high, to crack down on gas stations that wanted to give motorists a price break.  The Minnesota Commerce Department, believing that discount gasoline is worse for consumers than ridiculously inflated gasoline prices, hit Arkansas-based Murphy Oil with a $70,000 fine, and Kwik Trip Inc. with a $5,000 fine, for not making sufficient profit on their gasoline, (in other words, they were charging too little for their gasoline).  A local owner of 3 Mobil Oil stations was delighted, saying this shows that the law is working to protect motorists from high gasoline prices.  Of course, a statement like that makes absolutely no sense… which is why this is our Moment of Duh today.  Apparently this whole situation uses a logic that only a bureaucrat and a major oil company can understand.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN INDICATORS THAT YOU ARE NO LONGER COOL

10. You find yourself listening to talk radio.

9. You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears.

8. The pattern on your shorts and couch match.

7. You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit.

6. You think Tragically Hip is when a middle-aged man gets a new sports car, hair piece and a 20 year old girlfriend.

5. You criticize the kids of today for their secular music, forgetting that you rocked to Elvis Presley and The Beatles.

4. You call the police on a noisy party next door instead of joining it.

3. You turn down free tickets to a concert because you have to work the next day.

2. When grass is something that you cut, not cultivate.

1. When jogging is something you do to your memory.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

A storekeeper takes not only the gun away from a would-be robber, but also the guy’s coat and mask!

FILE #1: Evan Warner entered a store carrying a shotgun and wearing a long coat and a ski mask. After threatening the clerk he was given the cash from the register, about $100. As he turned to leave, the clerk grabbed the barrel of the shotgun and pulled it away. He also ripped the mask and the coat from our dumb criminal who then ran off. Even though the cops had a good description of the culprit they didn’t have any leads as to just who he was until he called the sheriff’s office to report his shotgun as stolen. He’s been arrested.

FILE #2: A man in China thought he’d be pulling off the jewelry store heist of the century. In the middle of the day the crook walked into the store, went behind the counter and started dumping trays of diamonds into a bag. He was shocked when security personnel nabbed him. Why? Because just minutes before he’d drank a tea he was told would make him invisible.

FILE #3: Edmond Taylor of Surrey, England, was finally cleared of a dangerous driving conviction on appeal after a year of fighting it. The real criminal had stolen his identity, which authorities would have noticed right away if they’d ever looked at the surveillance video showing that the driver was white. Taylor is black.

STRANGE LAW: In New Jersey it is illegal to slurp your soup.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

A woman tries to bail her boyfriend out of jail, but ends up in jail herself for doing so!

In Twin Falls, Idaho, all 20-year-old Erin Magill wanted to do was get her boyfriend out of jail. But now she’s in jail herself after trying to pay his bail bond with checks stolen from her own mother! And don’t even think about feeling sorry for either of these two bozos! Together, they have about a dozen cases pending in court including possession of marijuana, transferring stolen vehicles, driving under the influence, carrying a concealed weapon, providing false information to an officer, resisting arrest, burglary and more!

PHONER PHUN

What’s the weirdest craving you or your spouse had during pregnancy? 

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: What New Testament word means “teacher?”
ANSWER: Rabbi or Rabboni (John 1:38; 20:16)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: The Mayfly lives for only six hours. How long does it take for its eggs to hatch?
ANSWER: Three years.

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. Ninety percent of Americans have visited Disneyland or Disney World. (False – it’s closer to seventy percent.)

2. Chocolate manufacturers currently use 80 percent of the world’s peanuts. (False – they use 20 percent of the world’s peanuts.)

3. “Allodoxaphobia” is the fear of outdoor games. (False – it’s the fear of opinions.)

4. Beaver Cleaver’s locker number was 9. (True)

5. Yellowstone was the world’s first national park. (True)

6. In publishing, a right-hand page is called “verso.” The left is called “recto.” (False – it’s the other way around.)

7. The Vatican’s Swiss Guard wear uniforms designed by Calvin Klein. (False – the uniforms were designed by Michelangelo in the early 16th century, and that same design is still in use today.)

8. A group of bears is called a “cubbie.” (False – a group of bears is called a “sleuth”.)

9. Popey the Sailor was 5’6″ tall. (True)

10. The Chunnel, the tunnel between England and France, is 31 miles long, all of which is under water. (False. It is 31 miles long, but only 23 miles is under water.)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

“Man Rides Over A Mile on Motorbike Before Realizing He Had Lost His _____!”  (LEG)

In Japan, a 54-year-old motor biker failed to notice that his leg had been severed below the knee after hitting a safety barrier and continued to ride for more than a mile, leaving a friend behind to pick up the severed limb! Although admitting he felt excruciating pain, he didn’t notice that his right leg was actually missing until he stopped at the next intersection.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

Four men rode in a car: a mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a computer engineer. The car stalled out. The mechanical engineer said, “It must be the pistons; let’s repair them and be on our way.”
The electrical engineer said, “It has to be the spark plugs; we’ll replace them and be ready to roll in no time at all.”
The chemical engineer said. “No, it’s got to be bad gas; we’ll flush the system and be on our way.”
They turned to the computer engineer. “What do you think we should do?” they asked.
The computer engineer shrugged and said, “Let’s get out of the car, close the doors, then get back in and try restarting it.”

JOKE #2

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings.

One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:

“Hello?”

“Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”

“Yes.”

“Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It’s absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?”

“What’s the price?”

“Only $1,500.00.”

“Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much…”

“Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price… and since we need to trade-in the BMW that we bought last year…”

“What price did he quote you?”

“Only $80,000…”

“OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”

“Great! But before we hang up, something else…”

“What?”

“It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling the bank account and … I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It’s on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property…”

“How much are they asking?”

“Only $750,000 – a magnificent price … and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover …”

“Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $710,000. OK?”

“OK, sweetie … Thanks! I’ll see you later!! I love you!!!”

“Bye … I do too…”

The man hangs up, closes the phone’s flap, and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present:

“Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?”

JOKE #3

On a visit to Boston, I noticed a parking meter with a paper sack over it upon which was written: “Broken.”

A skeptical parking officer removed the bag, inserted a quarter in the meter and turned the dial. It worked perfectly. As the officer began to write a parking ticket, the car’s owner rushed out of a nearby building.

“What are you doing?” he yelled after a quick glance at the meter. “There’s plenty of time left!”

USELESS FACTS

A recent study found that about one-third of studies are incorrect.  ***MARLAR: But don’t count on that figure being accurate.

The author of a new book about insects says if you’re blonde, you’re far more likely to get bitten by mosquitoes than people with other hair colors. ***MARLAR: Not only do blondes have more fun… but they’re tasty!

FEATURED FUNNIES

A certain man had invited the pastor and his wife for dinner, and it was little Joey’s job to set the table. But when it came time to eat, Joey’s mother said with surprise, “Why didn’t you give Mrs. Brown a knife and fork dear?”

“I didn’t think I needed to,” as everyone listened as Joey explained,

“I heard Daddy say she always eats like a horse.”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

CHICK LOVES CHICKEN

What’s the weirdest craving you or your spouse had during pregnancy?  You won’t believe one woman’s obsession!

Sometimes a man will do anything for his wife. Even more so when she’s the soon-to-be mother of his child! But I have to hand it to this man; he’s more committed than I think I would ever be. This man has driven 450 miles a week to get his pregnant wife the food she is craving. Chris Bateman drives 150 miles three times a week to the nearest Kentucky Fried Chicken to get his wife Joanne her favorite meal. Chris says that his wife’s love of Kentucky Fried Chicken began before they were married. It takes him about an hour-and-a-half one way, but he says, “at the end of the day she’s worth it” ***MARLAR: After eating that much fried chicken, how can he be sure that big bulge on his wife is really a baby?

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

MIRACLE IN A GROCERY STORE
A poorly dressed lady with a look of defeat on her face, walked into a grocery store. She approached the owner of the store in a most humble manner and asked if he would let her charge a few groceries. She softly explained that her husband was very ill and unable to work, they had seven children, and they needed food.

The grocer scoffed at her and requested that she leave his store. Visualizing the family needs, she said: ‘Please, sir! I will bring you the money just as soon as I can.” He told her he could not give her credit, as she did not have a charge account at the store.

Standing beside the counter was a customer who overheard the conversation between the two. The customer walked forward and told the grocer that he would stand good for whatever she needed for her family.

The grocer said in a very reluctant voice,” Do you have a grocery list? Louise replied, “Yes sir” “O.K.” he said, “put your grocery list on the scales and whatever your grocery list weighs, I will give you that amount in groceries.”

She hesitated a moment with a bowed head, then he reached into her purse and took out a piece of paper and scribbled something on it. She then laid the piece of paper on the scale carefully with her head still bowed.

The eyes of the grocer and the customer showed amazement when the scales went down and stayed down. The grocer, staring at the scales, turned slowly to the customer and said begrudgingly, “I can’t believe it.” The customer smiled and the grocer started putting the groceries on the other side of the scales. The scale did not balance so he continued to put more and more groceries on them until the scales would hold no more.

The grocer stood there in utter disgust. Finally, he grabbed the piece of paper from the scales and looked at it with greater amazement. It was not a grocery list, it was a prayer, which said: “Dear Lord, you know my needs and I am leaving this in your hands.” The grocer gave her the groceries that he had gathered and stood in stunned silence. Louise thanked him and left the store.

The customer handed a fifty-dollar bill to the grocer and said, “It was worth every penny of it.”

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

After the catastrophic oil spill in Alaska many years ago, Exxon paid $18.3-million to clean up 357 otters. That averages out to $51,260 per otter!  (Come to think of it, my dad used to accuse me of using that much in hot water every time I took a shower.)
The expenses related to the Exxon cleanup involved salaries, boats, helicopters, and the construction of three emergency facilities… all for 357 otters.  The end result was the survival of 225 otters. Was the cost worth it?  If you were one of those otters and could understand what all the fuss was about, you might think so.
Here’s another sanitation question for you. How much does it cost to clean up sin-polluted people like you and me?
As you already know, Jesus, God’s Son, gave up His life for us.  That’s quite a cost, don’t you think?  Much more than $18.3-million!  And, because Jesus is also God of the universe, that means the cost per person is more than we can comprehend. But was the price worth it?  If you are one of the people Jesus rescued, you would certainly say yes.
How can you show appreciation to God for something like that?  You can’t pay him back by being “good enough” – that would delusional. So what can you and I do to show our thanks?  Well, that’s just it… we can be thankful.  We can devote our lives to doing whatever God wants us to do, and to telling other about the sacrifice that Jesus made in order to “clean us up.”
Then again, there is the option of drowning in your own oily-black, thick, sinful nature… but who wants to do THAT?!?

LEFTOVERS

A cheerleading squad’s new cheer lands a hit and run driver in the slammer!

The Ann Arbor, Michigan, News reported that a pickup rear-ended a car at an intersection, causing a chain reaction pile-up, then the pickup took off. Fortunately, the Lincoln High School varsity cheerleading squad witnessed it. To keep from forgetting the license number, they made it into a cheer and started chanting it. That enabled police to find the truck owner, who first claimed he thought it wasn’t a big enough wreck to stop, then said he tried to go back but traffic was too heavy.

LIFE… LIVE IT

JOB SEARCH TRAPS

Are you looking for a job in these tough economic times? Instead of feeling helpless, remember that in any economy, companies need good people. And by fine-tuning your job-search strategy, you may be able to land a position that seems out of reach. Consider these job-search traps and ways to avoid them (from Careerbuilder.com):

  • You put all your eggs in one basket. If you’re like most job seekers, you probably heavily rely on the Internet to help you in your job search. While the Web can come in handy – as a way to research potential employers, determine which companies are hiring and locate positions specific to your area, for example – it should be just one of the many tools you employ.

  • You don’t make finding a job a full-time job. Sending out a handful of resumes a week is a lot like tossing a single bottle into the ocean and hoping someone responds to the message you left inside. To find a job, you must cast a wide net. It’s a numbers game, and the more inquiries you make, resumes you submit and employment interviews you go on, the better your chances of success.

  • You’re less than perfect. Believe it or not, even one typo or grammatical goof in any of your application materials could be keeping you from finding a new position. With dozens or even hundreds of candidates to evaluate, a hiring manager won’t think twice about passing on the applicant who has five years of “word professing” experience.

  • You don’t follow up. One easy way to stand out from the crowd of applicants: Follow up with the hiring manager after submitting your resume. According to a survey by our company, 86 percent of executives said job seekers should contact a hiring manager within two weeks of sending a resume and cover letter. Yet few candidates do.

  • You don’t network. The simple truth is that networking is the most effective way to find a new job. A referral from someone you know is likely to land you an interview with a prospective employer or, at the very least, move your resume to the top of the consideration pile.

  • You haven’t registered with a staffing firm. Registering with a staffing firm can dramatically increase the size of your network. The professionals who work for these companies have contacts throughout their industries and often know of job openings that are not being actively promoted.

JUST FOR FUN

HOG WILD

A lesson in respect for the law had one man serving his punishment in a pig sty!

Mom always taught me to respect law enforcement officers. Never call them names. You call them “officer” or “patrolman” but never ever call them “pig”. Apparently, they don’t like that kind of thing. One man in Ohio obviously was not taught this because he called a police officer a “pig” and was punished by being incarcerated with a real pig! Steven Thompson had to spend two hours right next to a 350-pound pig in a pen while wearing a sign that read, “This is not a police officer.” Technically, he was arrested and charged with disorderly conduct, but you have to love the judge’s unique brand of punishment! Steve says he’s sorry. ***MARLAR: And the pig is protesting.

FUN LIST

STRANGEST SUPERSTITIONS

Of course, as Christians we don’t believe (or shouldn’t believe) in any of this stuff – but it’s fun to take a look at some of the ridiculous things people believe in out of insecurity.  Here are a few common superstitions.

  • A rabbit’s foot brings good luck.  ***MARLAR: Well, except for the rabbit.

  • Step on a crack, break your mother’s back.  ***MARLAR: I tried this once when I was grounded – it doesn’t work.

  • You can break a bad luck spell by turning seven times in a clockwise circle.  ***MARLAR: Either that or you break seven bones from falling down from dizziness.

  • Garlic protects from evil spirits.  ***MARLAR: Only because they don’t want to get close enough to smell your breath.

  • At the end of a rainbow is a pot of gold.  ***MARLAR: And a little leprechaun that gets really possessive over his Lucky Charms!

  • Clothes worn inside out will bring good luck.  ***MARLAR: And an extra day without laundry.

  • If you blow out all of the candles on your birthday cake with the first breath you will get whatever you wish for.  ***MARLAR: Assuming the only thing you ask for is a fork.

  • To have a wish come true using a wishbone, two people make a wish, then take hold of each end of the bone and pull it until it separates. The person with the longer end gets his or her wish.  ***MARLAR: I used to blow out my candles and wish that I’d win the wishbone break.

  • An itchy palm means money will come your way.  ***MARLAR: Or that your personal hygiene needs some attention.

  • A beginner will always have good luck (beginner’s luck).  ***MARLAR: Which is why when waiting tables at a restaurant, you see so many people wearing their “trainee” name tags as long as possible.

  • Eating fish makes you smart.  ***MARLAR: And eating fish heads makes you famous.

  • A cricket in the house brings good luck.  ***MARLAR: What good is luck though if you can’t get to sleep due to the incessant chirping?

  • A bird that comes in your window brings bad luck.  ***MARLAR: Especially if it eats the cricket.

  • It is bad luck to sleep on a table.  ***MARLAR: And this is a problem for…?

  • If the bottom of your feet itch, you will make a trip.  ***MARLAR: To Walgreen’s for tough-actin’ Tinactin.

  • Animals can talk at midnight on Christmas Eve.  ***MARLAR: And usually ask when “Rudolph” will be on the tube again.

  • Washing a car will bring rain.  ***MARLAR: Or bird droppings!

  • A person cannot drown before going under three times.  ***MARLAR: That’s disturbing.  How did they come to this conclusion?  Somebody had to do a study to find this out – meaning that instead of saving the poor soul who was drowning, they were counting how many times they went under before they stayed under forever.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

A LIST OF “DON’TS” FOR HALLOWEEN TRICK-OR-TREAT GIVING…

Halloween is just over a month away – so when it comes to planning what you’re giving to your trick-or-treaters at the door, here is a list of things that are frowned upon by your visitors.  Regarding the worst things you can pass out:

#5 is sugar free candy (which really shouldn’t exist at all – it’s like saying beefless hamburgers)

#4 is fruit such as apples or oranges (in fact, orange-slices candy needs to be added to that list as well because, let’s face it, that stuff is nasty)

#3 is small boxes of raisins (sorry, but that is NOT the same as a box of Raisinettes.  I mean dried-out grapes?  That’s going to stop you have having your house TP’d for Halloween?)

#2 is toothbrushes (Really?  You’re going to pass out dental equipment?  Unless you’re going to duct-tape it to a Gobstopper, forget it.)

And finally the worst thing to pass out to trick-or-treaters, #1 is pennies. (If you can’t be bothered to go out and actually buy candy, don’t think you’re going to get by with simply raiding the piggy-bank.  Even kids know that’s lazy and you may end up with a flaming bag of doggie doo on your front step.)

SICK AND TIRED OF WORKING


I’m tired. For a couple years I’ve been blaming it on iron poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies. But now I found out it ain’t that. I’m tired because I’m overworked. The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government. This leaves 19 million to do the work. Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work. There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work. Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you’re sitting there listening to my show. No wonder I’m tired, I’m the only one working.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

Stacy Koltiska is no longer a cafeteria worker at Wylandville Elementary School, in the town of Eighty Four, Pennsylvania. While she says she loves her job, she quit out of disgust saying she can no longer take hot meals away from kids who can’t pay for them. Apparently a new school policy requires workers to refuse hot meals to kids whose parents owe $25 or more for lunches. If they are in kindergarten to grade 6, they are allowed to have bread and a slice of “government cheese.” Older kids owing $25 or more get no lunch at all. Koltiska says the “lunch shaming” policy has forced her to take hot meals from kids, throw them away, and still charge them for the meal. In a Facebook post Koltiska wrote: “The first week of school on Friday, I had to take a little first grade boys chicken and give him this ‘cheese sandwich. I will never forget the look on his face and then his eyes welled up with tears.” District Superintendent Matthew Daniels says the policy isn’t intended to shame or embarrass children and it doesn’t target kids who qualify for free lunches. He also notes that before the policy was instituted, around 300 families owed the district $60,000 to $100,000 annually, and now it is down to fewer than 70 families owing less than $20,000.

A church and its pastor provided hope where there was little and gave unconditional love when it was needed most during south Louisiana’s record flooding. According to the Baptist Press, in spite of battling rising floodwater himself, pastor Pat Deshotel and members of First Baptist Church in Welsh set aside their own problems to aid their neighbors. Special attention was given to a pair of widows in the town of 3,000. Each lost a husband just before the rain and flooding began in mid-August. First Baptist also became a safe haven for others, distributing critical supplies, hot meals and “a little muscle.” http://ow.ly/IIkB304muHW

Imagine nearly everyone in the world holding a “gospel tract” that they check several times a day. That’s what technology provides for believers who want to share their faith. With most of the modern world referring to their mobile devices, there’s an app that tells about Jesus in a fresh, winsome way—often using the testimonies of celebrities. It’s a website and an app called “yesHeis,” the brainchild of a wealthy British businessman with a heart for ministry. http://bit.ly/1BoYdnt

Time Magazine says there is a weekly exercise that could change your career. No, it’s not pushups or running over your lunch break. According to the report, it’s picking up a pen and sending out one hand written note each week. The author did just that and was amazed by the response received from the recipients. Although the author wrote each note without expecting anything in return, nearly every person that received a hand written was so moved that they did something in return. http://ti.me/1HVXRtN

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Every morning when I head out the door to come to work, I try to remember to ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”  Sometimes I hate those days when I get the answer though: “He certainly wouldn’t be leaving the house wearing THAT shirt with THOSE pants.” –Unknown

If you are too busy to laugh, you are too busy.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

SEPTEMBER 23, 2016…

The Magnificent Seven—Here comes another remake of this classic western.  Denzel Washington plays the leader of this group of mercenaries with Chris Pratt as his right hand gun. It is the familiar story of a group of gunslingers who protect a defenseless town from the bad guys. Also in the cast are Ethan Hawke and Haley Bennett. The original film with William Holden came out in 1960 and that was adapted from “Seven Samuari” by Akira Kurosawa. “The Magnificent Seven” is rated R. Rating of 3 for fans.

Storks—In this animated film, what to do when your boss (the Head Stork) decides you shouldn’t deliver babies anymore, but you still have one child left.  Such is the dilemma of Andy Samberg as the lone stork and Kelsey Grammar as his boss. Katie Crown is also in the cast. “Storks” is rated PG. No rating.

The Dressmaker—Rosalie Ham wrote quite a novel about a dressmaker and it is a story of good luck and bad luck. Kate Winslet takes on this role of a woman who has sewing skills and decides to open a dress shop in the far reaches of Australia, thus giving woman there a chance at fashionable attire. Bold move. Also in the cast is Liam Hemsworth. “The Dressmaker” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for Kate Winslet fans.

The Hollars—John Krasinski (“The Office”) writes and directs this film about a man going to visit his family and finding they are still as dysfunctional as usual. The cast includes Sharito Copley, Anna Kendrick and Charlie Day. “The Hollars” is rated PG 13. No rating.

Beauty And The Beast—Here is, yet again, another re-telling of the famed story of a handsome man turned into a beast, and trying to find someone to love him so he can turn back. The stars are Vincent Cassel and Lea Seydoux. No music here. “Beauty And The Beast” is rated PG-13. No rating.

Dough (opening in select cities)—Jonathan Pryce (“Game of Thrones”) is the Jewish baker, Nat, who tries to keep his business going by avoiding a greedy real estate developer. When he takes on a young assistant from Dakar (Jerome Holder), things look bright.  Or are they?  Also in the cast is Natasha Gordon.  “Dough” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for bread-making fans.

SEPTEMBER 30, 2016…

Miss Peregrine’s Home For Peculiar Children is based on the famous novel (first of several books in the series) about special “gifted” children who are sometimes hunted for their abilities.

Deepwater Horizon and the film concerns the oil spill that was top news for months and months.

Masterminds follows a true story about armored car drivers who want to do a robbery. Stars Kristin Wiig and Owen Wilson.

Denial stars Rachel Weisz in a real life court case about the Holocaust.

(new opening date) Masterminds is about two armored truck drivers, one of which is  Zach Galifianakis. A comedy.

The Queen of Katwa is about a young woman from Uganda who becomes a chess champion. True story.

# # # # #

WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.