September 26, 2015: Saturday ONAIRprep

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PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20150926

 

 

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Wasn’t sure I’d still be here for the show today.  About an hour ago I put instant coffee in the microwave and briefly ended up in 1985.

 

 

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“Whatever situation’s I face, I will start, continue, and finish them with God’s Word.” –Revelation 1:8

 

Let not my heart be drawn to what is evil, to take part in wicked deeds with men who are evildoers; let me not eat of their delicacies. —Psalm 141:4

 

 

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

My dear children, I write this to you so that you will not sin. But if anybody does sin, we have one who speaks to the Father in our defense — Jesus Christ the Righteous One. — 1 John 2:1

 

Thought: God hates sin. Don’t you? I know I do. But isn’t it amazing how we’ll fall back into the same old traps again and again. This is where John, the tender Shepherd that he was, hits the nail on the head. The goal is to not sin even one sin. But, knowing our struggle against the flesh, John also gives assurance to those of us trying to live faithful and pure lives. He wants us to know that when we do sin, the Sacrifice for our sins, God’s Son, is also our defense attorney who proclaims us sinless by his blood! So let’s draw close to Christ. Let’s invite him into our heart each morning as we begin the day. Let’s trust in his power and grace to sustain us and carry us through. When we do, he will!

 

Prayer: God, no one and nothing is like you. I did not have to provide the sacrifice for my sins. Even though my sins broke your heart, you provided that sacrifice. Please use me today as I try to give myself, my life, and my future back to you as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to you as I try to say thank you for your grace. Through Jesus, and in his name I pray. Amen.

 

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

 

 

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

1 Corinthians 9:26 NIV = Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air.

 

 

TODAY IS SATURDAY – SEPTEMBER 26, 2015

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 90 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.  

 

This is DOG SCOUTS OF AMERICA DAY. ***MARLAR: And they can earn their “Humanities” badge by helping little old poodles across the street. (Don’t buy their cookies though – they taste like dog biscuits.)

 

Today is DEATH BY POTATO DAY. On this day in 1820 Daniel Boone died at age 85. His favorite dish was baked sweet potatoes. He ate too many and died of indigestion. ***MARLAR: But hey, he died happy!

 

Today is SHAMU DAY. The first surviving killer whale born in captivity was born at Orlando’s Sea World on September 26, 1985. Shamu now lives at Sea World San Antonio. ***MARLAR: You’d think going around and around in a circle non-stop would be a boring life for a whale, but it doesn’t seem to bother NASCAR drivers at all.

 

This is NATIONAL FARM ANIMALS AWARENESS WEEK. ***MARLAR: Actually, “awareness” is a bit of a stretch. A recent Gallup Poll of barnyard fowl showed that only three chickens in ten could name the President of the United States. You can’t call that “awareness.”

 

 

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Batman Day

Johnny Appleseed Day

Shamu The Whale Day

Family Health and Fitness Day USA

Fish Amnesty Day

International Lace Day

International Rabbit Day

Kids Day (Kiwanis Clubs)

National Hunting and Fishing Day

National Museum Day

National Public Lands Day

R.E.A.D. In America Day

Support Purple for Platelets Day

 

 

COMING UP NEXT

(Note: Just because holiday is listed here it does not mean we are endorsing it.)

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 27

Ancestor Appreciation Day

Gold Star Mother’s Day

Google’s Birthday

World Tourism Day

 

MONDAY SEPTEMBER 28

Family Day – Be Involved, Stay Involved

Fish Tank Floorshow Night

National Drink Beer Day

National Good Neighbor Day

International Right to Know Day

World Heart Day

World Rabies Day

 

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 29

MAGS Day

Mutation Day

National Biscotti Day

National Attend Your Grandchild’s Birth Day

International Coffee Day

VFW Day

 

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 30

Ask a Stupid Question Day

Banned Websites Awareness Day

Blasphemy Day

International Translation Day

National Mulled Cider Day

National Women’s Health & Fitness Day

 

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 01

CD Player Day

Fire Pup Day

International Day of Older Persons

International Music Day

Model T Day

National Book It! Day

National Lace Day

World Vegetarian Day

National Walk Your Dog Day

 

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 02

Weird Darkness Day

Guardian Angels Day

International Day of Non-Violence

National Custodial Workers Day

Phileas Fogg’s Wager Day

World Farm Animals Day

Lee’s National Denim Day

National Diversity Day

World Smile Day

 

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 03

Cephalopod Awareness Day

Inter-American Water Day

World Card Making Day

 

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 04

Blessing of The Animals Day (Blessing of the Pets Day/World Pet Day)

Improve Your Office Day

Kanelbullens Dog

National Taco Day

National Shop in a Bottle Day

Ten-Four Day

Vodka Day

World Animal Day

International Blessings of the Fishing Fleet Day

Change a Light Day

Country Inn Bed & Breakfast Day

Intergeneration Day

International African Diaspora Day

World Communion Day

 

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 05

Child Health Day

Day of Unity

International Day of No Prostitution

Techie’s Day

World Day of Architecture

World Day of Bullying Prevention / Blue Shirt Day

World Habitat Day

World Teachers Day

 

 

ON THIS DAY

1789: Thomas Jefferson was appointed America’s first Secretary of State.

 

1914: The Federal Trade Commission was established.

 

1820: Daniel Boone died at age 85. His favorite dish was baked sweet potatoes. He ate too many and died of indigestion.

 

1950: United Nations troops recaptured Seoul, the capital of South Korea, from the North Koreans.

 

1956: It was Elvis Presley Day in his hometown of Tupelo, Mississippi.

 

1957: The musical “West Side Story” opened on Broadway.

 

1960: Richard M. Nixon and John F. Kennedy took part in the first televised presidential debate.

 

1962: “The Beverly Hillbillies” debuted on CBS-TV, starring Buddy Ebsen, Irene Ryan, Donna Douglas, and Max Baer Jr. The show lasted nine seasons. The theme, “The Ballad of Jed Clampett,” was recorded by Lester Flatt & Earl Scruggs. (

)

 

1969: “The Brady Bunch” premiered on ABC-TV. (

)

 

1975: “The Rocky Horror Picture Show” premiered in Westwood, California. It’s probably still playing somewhere. The cult classic starred Tim Curry, Susan Sarandon, and Barry Bostwick.

 

1981: Houston’s Nolan Ryan pitched his 5th no hitter, shutting down the Dodgers 5-0.

 

1986: Bobby Ewing returned from the dead to take a shower on “Dallas” in one of television’s more or less memorable episodes. (

)

 

1986: William H. Rehnquist was sworn as the 16th chief justice of the Supreme Court.

 

1994: Jury selection began in Los Angeles for the double murder trial of O.J. Simpson. One year later to the day, the prosecution began closing arguments. He was acquitted of both charges.

 

2002: A 39-year-old man ordered a limousine to pick him up at a hotel in Moline, Illinois after he robbed a bank there. Unfortunately for the robber, his driver was a retired police officer, who tipped off police that a suspicious passenger had just paid $335 in cash for a ride to Chicago. State troopers arrested the suspect at a nearby truck stop.

 

2002: In Belo Horizonte, Brazil, an escaped prisoner flagged down a bus to make his getaway only to find it was full of policemen looking for him. Sergio Vilas Boas escaped from a police station and stopped the first bus he saw. Boas was arrested originally for carrying three handguns at a soccer match.

 

2005: U.S. Army PFC Lynndie England, seen in widely distributed photos with inmates at Iraq`s Abu Ghraib prison, was convicted at Fort Hood, Texas, of conspiracy and prisoner abuse. Two days later, the military court sentenced her to three years in prison.

 

 

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1460: Pope Pius II assembles European leaders, then delivers a three-hour sermon to inspire them to launch a new crusade against the Turks. The speech works, but then another speaker, Cardinal Bessarion, adds a three-hour sermon of his own. After six hours of preaching, the European princes lose all interest in the cause; they never mount the called-for crusade.

 

1897: Charles C. Overton, a Sunday school superintendent at Brighton Chapel, Staten Island, spontaneously promotes the idea of a Christian flag. The Rally Day speaker hadn’t shown up, so Overton gave an extemporaneous address on Christian meanings for the elements of the American flag. The red, white, and blue cross flag Overton later helped devise was first sewn around 1907 and continues to be used in some churches.

 

 

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • Actor (Passion of the Christ, Frequency, Thin Red Line, “Person of Interest”) Jim Caviezel, 47
  • actress (Mary Ingalls on “Little House on the Prairie”) Melissa Sue Anderson 53 (
    )
  • Actress (Terminator movies, Dante’s Peak, “Beauty & The Beast” TV show) Linda Hamilton, 59
  • Game show host (“The Weakest Link”) Anne Robinson, 71

 

 

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1898 : George Gershwin

1901 : Ted Weems

1918 : John “The Cool” Zacherle

1925 : Marty Robbins

1926 : Julie London

1931 : George Chambers (The Chambers Brothers)

1941 : Joe Bauer (The Youngbloods)

1945 : Bryan Ferry (Roxy Music)

1947 : Lynn Anderson

1948 : Olivia Newton-John

1948 : Stuart Tosh (The Alan Parsons Project)

1954 : Craig Chaquico (Jefferson Airplane)

1954 : Cesar Rosas (Los Lobos)

1955 : Carlene Carter

1962 : Tracey Thorn (Everything But The Girl)

1965 : Cindy Herron (En Vogue)

1972 : Shawn Stockman (Boyz II Men)

1981 : Christina Milian

 

 

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Why do we say that a crazy person is “loco?”

First, let’s clear up some confusion. This is not related to the old railroad slang word, which was simply short for locomotive. If you think they’re the same, you don’t know one end from another. Crazy railroad people aren’t loco, they just have a loose caboose. But I digress. The word “loco” comes from a weed found in the Southwest. This plant, a narcotic, is actually called the locoweed and it drove cattle nuts when they ate it. It became a synonym for craziness in the West in the 1840s and came into widespread use about four decades later. Did you ever see a bull run amok? Crazy, man.

 

 

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE! Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

 

Selah’s Todd Smith was taking his life into his own hands this week. He tweeted: Even in the Columbus, Ohio airport wear it proudly! Attached was a picture of his Michigan Wolverines t-shirt.

 

Jamie Grace has a unique way of dealing with lame pickup lines. She shared this week: when dudes have lame pickup lines I don’t run, I start talking about how much I love being in ministry. So sad how quickly THEY run.

 

Kutless member James Mead is a self described 2015 hippy. He tweeted: I wear Birkenstocks and mix my own beard oils.

 

Christian comedian Chonda Pierce is out with the official trailer for her movie debut titled Laughing in the dark. Chonda says the movie is as real as it gets, giving an honest look at her life. It will be in theaters for one night, on October 27. https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=10153066684181316

 

Jonny Diaz had some good news and some not so good news this week. He tweeted: Great news – I have a praying mom. Not so great news – She’s apparently discovered emojis.

 

Natalie Grant says her Tuesday involved both bleach and green juice. She shared: One natural. One not. Both necessary. The bleach was for her hair while she drank the green juice.

 

Just how good is Blanca’s music? One fan tweeted: Blanca is making Calculus 3 almost bearable.

 

Mercyme’s Bart Millard says diabetes sucks. He shared: My 13 yr old was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes at age 2. In other words, he’s had roughly 20,000 shots in his life so far.

 

Hawk Nelson member Daniel Biro was able to pass the bands latest CD onto a world leader this week. Daniel shared that he handed the band’s album Diamonds to the Canadian Prime Minister, Stephen Harper, and he accepted it.

 

 

WEIRD & WACKY

Iranian in UK tries to get sent home but is in UK legally
LONDON (AP) — Tens of thousands of people fleeing warfare and poverty are trying to enter Europe but at least one Iranian man who has made his home in Britain seems desperate to leave. Manchester Police say Arash Aria turned himself in Monday, claiming to be in Britain illegally, but after…

 

Man feared dead on eastern Pennsylvania highway was napping
WIND GAP, Pa. (AP) — State police say a man feared dead along an eastern Pennsylvania highway was just napping. HASH(0x1416dd0) But troopers who responded say they found the man was homeless and merely sleeping. They woke him up and he left the area without incident. Police say the man was…
Prisoner uses bed sheets in escape, falls when knot slips
LOUISVILLE, Ky. (AP) — Two inmates at a Louisville, Kentucky, jail could have used a course in knot-tying when authorities say they plotted an escape using bed sheets. Officials say the men escaped to the roof of a minimum-security building Monday night and used a rope made of bed sheets to…
Pennsylvania reporter working story finds missing boys
STATE COLLEGE, Pa. (AP) — A newspaper reporter found two missing boys — who it turns out were just skipping school — after he was sent to cover their disappearance in central Pennsylvania. Centre Daily Times reporter Shawn Annarelli says the brothers, age 7 and 9, were supposed to…
Bear hit with tranquilizer dart runs into pond, drowns
DAYTON, Nev. (AP) — Efforts to corral a black bear at a Nevada golf course came to a grim end when wildlife officials tranquilized the animal and it ran into a pond and drowned. Nevada Department of Wildlife spokesman Chris Healy says the 300-pound male bear was wandering Monday evening…
PETA sues to give monkey the copyright of selfie photos    photo
A macaque monkey who took now-famous selfie photographs should be declared the copyright owner of the photos, rather than the nature photographer who positioned the camera, animal-rights activists contend in a novel lawsuit filed Tuesday. The suit was filed in federal court in San Francisco by…
Sheriff: Lawyers can keep bras on while entering Maine jail
PORTLAND, Maine (AP) — Jail workers went too far in telling female lawyers they’d have to remove their underwire bras if they wanted to meet with clients, a sheriff said. At least two attorneys say they were told they’d have to remove their bras when entering the Cumberland County Jail…
Man who says ‘evil twin’ robbed stores gets over 60 years
ALLENTOWN, Pa. (AP) — A man who claimed at trial that his “evil twin” robbed 10 gas stations, convenience and beer stores in eastern Pennsylvania must spend at least 60 years in prison. HASH(0x140cec0) A jury last month convicted Felton in the 10 robberies in the Lehigh Valley, all of which…
$1 million lottery ticket found among woman’s old mail
KENTWOOD, Mich. (AP) — A Michigan woman who won a $1 million lottery prize didn’t know about it for months, after leaving the ticket in a pile of mail. Lottery officials say Linda Tuttle of Kentwood stepped forward Tuesday with a winning ticket from the May 26 Mega Millions drawing. Tuttle…
Cops: Chocolate factory worker makes bomb threat to be fired
ST. ALBANS, Vt. (AP) — Police say a Vermont chocolate factory worker hated his job and wanted to get fired, so he did the first thing that came to mind: He called in a bomb threat. Police say 22-year-old Kristofer Pregent stole a co-worker’s cellphone and made the false threat under a…
Father, son use net to capture exotic bird in New Hampshire
BOW, N.H. (AP) — An emu that had been loose and wandering around New Hampshire for more than a week has been caught. Maria Colby, a bird specialist who operates Wings of the Dawn Wildlife Sanctuary in Henniker, says a father and son captured the large, flightless bird in Bow Sunday afternoon….

 

 

 

HEALTH & FITNESS

Clinton aims to tackle out-of-pocket health care costs    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — Hillary Rodham Clinton proposed a series of steps on Wednesday to lessen the burden of out-of-pocket medical bills for Americans covered by President Barack Obama’s health care law. The Democratic presidential candidate said she would require plans to provide three sick…

 

Company says will cut price of drug after accused gouging
SAN FRANCISCO (AP) — The company that sparked an angry backlash after it raised the price of a drug for treating a deadly parasitic infection by more than 5,000 percent says it will roll back some of the increase. Turing Pharmaceuticals CEO Martin Shkreli told ABC News on Tuesday that the new…
UN Ebola response now planned to continue into 2016
DAKAR, Senegal (AP) — The United Nations is now planning for its Ebola response to last into mid-2016, suggesting the battle against the virus that has killed more than 11,000 people won’t be over by year-end, according to a report Wednesday. The news comes as health officials struggle to…
Spain court backs ruling for German firm in thalidomide case
MADRID (AP) — Spain’s Supreme Court has upheld a lower court ruling that a German pharmaceutical company does not have to pay compensation to 22 Spaniards who blame their disabilities on the drug thalidomide. The court said Wednesday that it upheld a Madrid provincial tribunal’s acceptance…
Kansas doctor, wife face new sentencing in overdose deaths    photo
WICHITA, Kan. (AP) — The Kansas physician and his wife were convicted of a shocking crime: running a moneymaking conspiracy at a clinic that prosecutors have linked to 68 drug overdose deaths. Yet Dr. Stephen Schneider and his wife, Linda, contend they also helped people with chronic pain at…
Thickening haze dampens swing of Singapore festivities    photo
SINGAPORE (AP) — A thickening, smoky haze cast a shadow over festivities in Singapore on Thursday, as Muslims headed to mosques to celebrate the culmination of the annual hajj pilgrimage and Chinese readied for a traditional harvest festival. As many Singaporeans stayed at home for the public…
Study: Diagnosis wrong too often, urgent improvement needed    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — Most people will experience at least one wrong or delayed diagnosis at some point in their lives, a blind spot in modern medicine that can have devastating consequences, says a new report that calls for urgent changes across health care. Getting the right diagnosis, at the…
Some tips for patients to reduce odds of being misdiagnosed
The Institute of Medicine says patient input is critical as health providers try to figure out the right diagnosis. Here are tips from the IOM’s report Tuesday, adapted from the National Patient Safety Foundation and the Society to Improve Diagnosis in Medicine: —Don’t hesitate to ask…
Txt msgs may lead to broad heart-linked benefits, study says
CHICAGO (AP) — Txt msgs may b gud 4U. That’s the message in a study that suggests just four monthly text messages might spur health improvements for heart patients. The simple, heart-related advice led to substantial changes in blood pressure, cholesterol and physical activity levels,…
State obesity rates hold steady; 30 pct or more in 22 states
NEW YORK (AP) — New government data shows that in most states, the rate of adult obesity is not moving. Results from a telephone survey show obesity rates stayed about the same in 45 states last year. There were small increases in Kansas, Minnesota, New Mexico, Ohio and Utah. Some experts…
FDA experts to review safety of Essure birth control implant    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — Federal medical experts will take a closer look at a host of problems reported with the birth control implant called Essure, including chronic pain, bleeding, headaches and allergic reactions. The Food and Drug Administration on Monday posted a 90-page review of Essure…

 

 

 

NEWS KICKERS

(None on the weekends)

 

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

 

 

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

 

 

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Frogs on Toadstools”

 

 

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Brad Stine, “Safe Cars”

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, Katie Snuffleson was still feeling no compassion for her brother Marvy’s head cold – but that’s the furthest thing from her mind, because she’s just learned that Razzleflabbin Island has a magical place in the clouds called Candyland – and the tram has arrived to take her there…

 

CLOSE: Candyland does sound wonderful – and we’ll see exactly HOW wonderful next time, As the Jungle Turns!

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF SEPTEMBER 26/27, 2015
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, in order to find the ultimate picnic spot for the ultimate picnic, all of the jungle animals went out together to look. Picnic spot after picnic spot have been found – each one even nicer than the next, but it seems that no matter what they find, Gruffy Bear is just never satisfied with it!

 

CLOSE: Well it’s about time… I would’ve rebelled three picnic spots ago! But what’s going to happen to Gruffy? And what’s going to happen to the perfect picnic? Find out next time – As the Jungle Turns!

 

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of As the Jungle Turns in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us.

 

 

MOMENT OF DUH

An emergency 911 dispatcher in Astoria, Oregon tells a caller that a fire is not an emergency!

A woman called 9-1-1 shortly after 10 p.m. on Oct. 3 to alert the emergency dispatcher to what appeared to be a fire on the south side of Youngs Bay, but was told by the operator that what she was seeing was likely just the play of light in the rain and fog.  The following was recorded in the 9-1-1 call:

Caller: “I see a fire, I’m sure it’s already been reported, but I live on Sonora, on the hill in Astoria. I’m looking over Youngs Bay River… “

Dispatcher: “Yeah, it’s kind of foggy and raining out. Sometimes that happens…”

Caller: “…okay…”

Dispatcher: “…yeah, it’s not a fire.”

Caller: “Really? It looks like a fire on the other side of the river.”

Dispatcher: “Yeah, it’s not a fire. It’s fog.”

The report was only taken seriously when a second call came in 10 minutes later.  It seems that the “fog” was accompanied by bright orange flames and a lot of black smoke.

 

 

TOP TEN

TOP TEN PERKS OF BEING PERKY

 

  1. 10. You never have to hear concerned individuals remark, “Gee, you look tired! Are you feeling okay?”

 

  1. 9. You can annoy people yet be too cute to slap.

 

  1. 8. You actually have a viable reason to use the word “effervescent.”

 

  1. 7. You have plenty of energy to dodge the things your irritated co-workers throw at you.

 

  1. 6. You need no experience, sense, or IQ to be hired at any airport.

 

  1. 5. All the people who hate you for being perky tend to be too lazy to actually cause you any harm.

 

  1. 4. You can save thousands a year on caffeinated beverages.

 

  1. 3. All awkward silences are now filled with interesting and informative stories about your cat and significant other.

 

  1. 2. You are able to find a bright side to everybody hating you for always looking on the bright side

 

  1. 1. Why gee whillakers, it’s just so much fun!”

 

 

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

A story that Colonel Sanders would not be pleased about.

 

FILE #1: Ignoring a possible nasty case of bird flu, 37-year-old John Morahan, of Saratoga Springs, Florida is accused of putting a roasted chicken in his pants in an effort to steal it. When the store manager approached Morahan about the chicken, Morahan bit the manager on the forearm. No word on whether that tasted like chicken, but Morahan was charged with petit larceny, second-degree assault, and second-degree robbery. ***MARLAR: And now he’s a JAIL BIRD.

 

FILE #2: Floyd Brown picked the wrong place to rob, because he had no idea what he was getting himself into when he decided to rob an Anchorage, Alaska, Holiday Inn. Brown walked up to the hotel clerk at the front desk — pretended to have a gun — and demanded all the money in the cash register. Meanwhile, Mike Collins, a hotel guest who was near the front desk ready to check out, snuck away to get help from a nearby conference room. Unbeknownst to the robber, the Holiday Inn was in the middle of hosting a two-week police training conference. Within seconds there were 30 cops there to apprehend the would-be criminal. Next time, maybe he’ll pay attention to the big banner in the lobby welcoming the police!

 

FILE #3: For most thief’s, getting through the door is the main obstacle on the way to a robbery. But for David Lee Johnson, the doors were just the main thing! Police have arrested Johnson in connection for a six-week robbing spree of 19 antique doors from people’s houses. Police finally caught the man while he was trying to sell the doors to a nearby antique store. The doors were valued between $500 and $2,000 apiece. Police Sergeant Ed Tomba said that after the arrest, “We haven’t had a door stolen since. Knock on wood.” Sounds like an open and shut case.

 

STRANGE LAW: In South Dakota it’s illegal to lie down and fall asleep in a cheese factory.

 

 

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

A mayor decides it’d be a great idea to pay the homeless with illegal drugs in order to work!

Andrew Uitvlugt, a candidate in the mayoral race in Kelowna, B.C., wants to deal with the city’s drug-addicted homeless people. And “deal” is the absolute correct word to describe what candidate Uitvlugt wants to do, because he says crack could be used as a reward or incentive to motivate people to do constructive work in the city, like picking up garbage. That’s “Crack” as in Cocaine. Once they’ve done their duties, he figures the addicts will feel so good about themselves, they may not need the crack. ***MARLAR: Let’s recap, shall we? This mayoral candidate wants to use illegal drugs as in incentive to get drug addicts to do work – and then hopes that the feeling of a good day’s work will encourage the drug-addicts to not do drugs despite the fact that they’ve been working all day for the sole purpose of obtaining those illegal drugs. It sounds to me like maybe the mayoral candidate has been use his own incentives.

 

 

PHONER PHUN

Does anyone do great farm animal noises? Call in and give us your best!

 

 

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Who was the first metal craftsman in the Bible?
ANSWER: Tubal-Cain (Genesis 4:22)

 

 

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: The average baby will spend 2.2 hours a day doing what?
ANSWER: Crying

 

 

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

 

  1. The main purpose for the gold earrings once worn by pirates and sailors was to pay for their burials. (True)

 

  1. Electric eels can deliver shocks up to 550 volts. (True)

 

  1. A group of finches is called a covey (False – it’s a “charm.”)

 

  1. One-time ruler of Egypt, Mohammed Ali, once created two infantry regiments made up entirely of one-eyed soldiers. (True – not the boxer though!)

 

  1. President Ulysses S. Grant was the first President to display fireworks at the White House. (False – it was John Adams.)

 

  1. “Pogonology” is the study of mathmatical shapes. (False – it’s the study of beards.)

 

  1. Iranian women competed in the Olympics for the first time at the 2008 Beijing Games. (False – but it hasn’t been long. Their first time was in 1995 in Atlanta.)

 

  1. “Corduroy” comes from the French, “cord du roi,” or “cloth of the king.” (True)

 

  1. In the Czech Republic, peas are thrown at brides and grooms rather than rice. (True)

 

  1. Typically, a $1 bill lasts only 18 months in circulation. (True. Also, $5 bills last two years, $10 bills last three years, $20 bills last four years, and $50 and $100 bills make it about nine years.)

 

 

 

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

________ BODIES FOUND IN HIMALAYAS (ALIEN)

American and Nepalese authorities have recovered the bodies of six aliens ship from an ice pack near the summit of a Himalayan mountain peak.

A UFO expert, Dr. John Malley, made  the discovery, with his team from the U.N. Panel on Extraterrestrials.  Dr. Malley charges that the governments of both countries are conspiring to keep the discovery secret for fear of causing a global panic if all the facts are made public.

The pictures he took of the bodies were seized by Nepalese authorities – with American government officials in the room!

“They took the photos and they have seized the bodies of the aliens.  They also took the eight fragments of a Gootan spaceship – but they don’t want us to know anything about it,” said Henri Degois, president of a Paris-based watchdog  group Scientists for Truth in UFO Reporting, which accompanied Dr. Malley in his exploration of the alien site.

“The cover-up is not only in excusable, it is outright criminal,” said Degois.

 

 

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY

JOKE #1

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, “We only have one rule here in heaven: don’t step on the ducks!”

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!”

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on … very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The woman remarks, “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?”

The guy says, “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck!”

 

JOKE #2

My sister was bemoaning the fact that she had procrastinated cleaning and organizing her house for a long time. Since she was planning to entertain, she felt a lot of pressure to get moving. That afternoon she phoned, sounding glum.

“I went to the bookstore,” she explained. “And I bought a book on how to get organized. I was all fired up, and decided to clean out all the shelves in the living room. While I was working, I found the same darn book. I had bought it a couple of years ago. . .

 

JOKE #3

Mrs. Jones called the doctor’s office and was met with this response by the secretary. “This is Dr. Whitman’s office.  What would you like to talk about?”

Mrs. Jones was disturbed by this response and replied sarcastically, “I want to order a hamburger with fries.  For goodness’s sake, why would I call a doctor if I didn’t feel sick?  I’m very sick.  I need to see the doctor.”

“Fine,” replied the secretary, “I can make an appointment for you. Let me see, ahhhh yes, I have an appointment one week from next Friday.”

“Great,” said Mrs. Jones, “I’ll have my mortician drop me off then!”

 

 

USELESS FACTS

If you were to rub garlic on the heel of your foot, it would be absorbed by the pores and eventually show up on your breath. ***MARLAR: Of course, there are much more enjoyable ways to get bad breath, but they call cause smelly feet.

 

Jail inmates in Pasco County, Florida are complaining about having to wear the new black-and-white-striped uniforms on outside work details. One man said the new prisoner uniforms made them “look like convicts.”  ***MARLAR: Kudos to the fashion designers!  Well done!

 

 

FEATURED FUNNIES

ABSTRACT NOUN
“An abstract noun,” the teacher said, “is something you can think of, but you can’t touch it. Can you give me an example of one?”
“Sure,” a teenage boy replied. “My father’s new car.”

 

 

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

RESUMANIA

“Resumania” is a term coined by Mr. Robert Half, founder of RHI Consulting’s parent company, to describe the unintentional bloopers that often appear on job candidates’ resumes, job applications and cover letters. Here’s some examples:

  • “I perform my job with effortless efficiency, effectiveness, efficacy, and expertise.” (And an eye on the “e” section of the dictionary, evidently.)
  • “Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity.” (No problem …)
  • “Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable.” (Glad to hear it.)
  • “My compensation should be at least equal to my age.” (And bonuses “tied to” his shoe size?)
  • “I am very detail-oreinted.” (With the possible exception of spelling)
  • “I can play well with others.” (We’ll be sure to tell your mommy.)
  • “Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel.” (A new twist on work-family balance.)
  • “Objection: To utilize my skills in sales.” (Have you considered law school?)
  • “My salary requirement is $34 per year.” (They say money isn’t everything.)
  • “Served as assistant sore manager.” (Ouch.)
  • “Work history: Bum. Abandoned belongings and led nomadic lifestyle.” (So you’re willing to travel?)
  • “Previous experience: Self-employed – a fiasco.” (Definitely to the point.)
  • “I vow to fulfill the goals of the company as long as I live.” (And they say loyalty is hard to come by.)
  • “Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president’s girlfriend could steal my job.” (We’re glad you’re not bitter.)

 

 

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

Do you know how powerful your prayers are?

They flow out of your mouth and they go out and find anybody that you want to pray for, wherever they are. It doesn’t matter who or where they are, God doesn’t even have to have their address, and He already knows it. It’s the power of the Spirit of God, and nothing can limit the power of the Spirit of God. It’s the Elixir of Heaven! It doesn’t matter what you pray for, it is just absolutely marvelous! Every one of you has power! It’s sad that we don’t pray more for people, because there are so many people we could pray for and help. Don’t you think you should pray for them? When you think about someone, you can send out a little prayer, just like a tracer. But a thought about someone or something is not a prayer; a thought is just like an employee who’s standing there waiting for a command, an order. And if he just stands there and waits, he’ll never get anything done. A thought is only the beginning of a prayer. When you pray a prayer in Jesus’ name, it runs just like a messenger. That’s the difference. Just thinking about them is not going to do it. You have to put feet to your prayer and send it and say, “Oh God, please help them, in Jesus’ name. I love them and I want you to help them!” You have to send the messenger. You have to pray the prayer. There is so much that you will never know that you didn’t accomplish because you didn’t pray. When you think about someone that you love, or someone that you feel sorry for or that you know needs help, it’s God by His Holy Spirit who is putting that thought in your mind. It’s just like a telephone call! You’re like the telephone exchange, and God sends the main call from His Spirit to your mind. But it’s up to you to make the connection, to send it on to the party that needs to receive it. But if you only think about them and then you just cut if off, it’s like you’re turning the phone off on God! It’s like God’s trying to make a phone call and He gives you the number and wants you to put it through. You’re the operator. God is the One whose calling, but He tries to put it through you because He wants to show you what love really is.

— Johan Lourens from South Africa

 

 

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

WHEN IT’S HARD TO PRAY

Read: Romans 8:26-27

There is not a word on my tongue, but behold, O Lord, You know it altogether. —Psalm 139:4

The Bible tells us that God knows our every thought and every word on our tongue (Psalm 139:1-4). And when we don’t know what to pray for, the Holy Spirit “makes intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered” (Romans 8:26).

These biblical truths assure us that we can have communication with God even without a word being spoken, because He knows the intentions and desires of our heart. What a comfort when we are perplexed or in deep distress! We don’t have to worry if we can’t find the words to express our thoughts and feelings. We don’t have to feel embarrassed if sometimes our sentences break off half-finished. God knows what we were going to say. We don’t have to feel guilty if our thoughts wander and we have to struggle to keep our minds focused on the Lord.

And for that matter, we don’t have to worry about a proper posture in prayer. If we are elderly or arthritic and can’t kneel, that’s okay. What God cares about is the posture of our heart.

What a wonderful God! No matter how much you falter and stumble in your praying, He hears you. His heart of infinite love responds to the needs and emotions of your own inarticulate heart. So keep on praying! —Vernon Grounds

 

Prayer is the soul’s sincere desire,
Unuttered or expressed,
The motion of a hidden fire
That trembles in the breast. —Montgomery

 

Prayer does not require eloquence but earnestness.

 

 

LEFTOVERS

STOP THAT RACKET!

One of the hottest selling CD’s in New Zealand is also one of the most annoying too! It’s 64 minutes of loud lawnmower noise.

The astro-turf covered CD of lawnmower noise is the brainchild of Geoff Marsland. Marsland said he came up with the CD as a way of combating noisy inconsiderate neighbors in apartment buildings. “If your neighbors have a party Saturday night fairly late … what you do is you get up at seven o’clock in the morning, put the hour of lawn mowing sound on and go out to a cafe,” Wellington said. The album is his second. He previously sold around 4,200 copies of an album of urban noise such as a car alarm sounding off, a revving motorcycle, and three minutes of a baby crying. ***MARLAR: Hey, if you want to annoy someone with a CD, just record my show, take out the songs, and make a CD of me talking for 64 minutes.   My wife tells me that’s enough to drive anyone nutzoid.

 

 

LIFE… LIVE IT

A new study finds that parents who use baby powder, lotion or shampoo on their infants may be exposing them to controversial chemicals with some nasty side effects.   The chemicals are called phthalates and in testing of 163 babies with an average age of 13 months, seven or more types of phthalates were found in their systems. Previous studies have linked the chemicals to reproductive abnormalities, allergies and eczema. They warn that unborn children and infants are especially vulnerable to these chemicals. Incidentally, babies don’t need lotions since it’s the one time in your life that your skin is perfect. If your baby does have a patch of dry skin, use petroleum jelly, which doesn’t absorb into the system so much.

 

 

JUST FOR FUN

MARGARINE MIRAGE

As if advertising in the grocery store isn’t straight forward enough, soon you’ll be seeing ads floating right in the middle of the aisles!

Attention shoppers! You may soon see images of advertised products floating in mid-air at the supermarket! The images come from an appliance the size of a vending machine, and it projects still or moving images about 16 inches (40cm) in size which the human eye perceives as floating in mid-air. According to Holomedia, the makers of the device, “Preliminary studies showed that these images achieve a faster and more lasting memory imprint.” In other words… they’re more likely to make you buy something than traditional advertising. ***MARLAR: Great… like I don’t have enough hallucinations already when thinking of food.

 

 

FUN LIST

THINGS PEOPLE DON’T THINK WHEN THEY SEE A CHRISTIAN SYMBOL ON YOUR CAR

  • Look! Let’s stop that car and ask those folks how we can become Christians.
  • Don’t worry, Billy, those people are Christians. They must have a good reason for driving 90 miles an hour.
  • What a joy to be sharing the highway with another car of Spirit-filled brothers and sisters.
  • Isn’t it wonderful how God blessed that Christian couple with a brand-new BMW?
  • Dad, how come people who drive like that don’t get thrown in jail? Can we get a bumper sticker like that, too?
  • Stay clear of those folks, Martha. If they get raptured, that car’s gonna be all over the road!
  • Oh, look! That Christian woman is getting a chance to share Jesus with a police officer.
  • No, that’s not garbage their throwing out of their windows, Bert. It’s probably gospel tracts for the road workers.
  • Oh boy, we’re in trouble now! We just rear-ended one of God’s cars.
  • Quick, Alice, honk the horn or they won’t know that we love Jesus!

 

 

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

ELEPHANT KIDNAPS WOMAN

A female tourist visiting a Ugandan game park ignored warnings to stay away from a male elephant. She got too close while trying to snap a picture, and the precocious pachyderm picked her up in his trunk and ran into the bushes. Wildlife officials have launched an intensive search for the missing woman.  ***MARLAR: The only good thing about an elephant kidnapping you… chances are the ransom will only be peanuts.

 

 

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Mondays Only)

 

 

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

Starbucks says you’ll never wait in line again. The mega coffee chain is rolling out its mobile app feature called Mobile Order and Pay nationwide, allowing its customers the ability to preorder and pay for food and beverages before they get to the store, bypassing the line completely. Although the app had a soft launch in Portland in December and other areas of the country earlier this summer, it is now available at more than 7,400 stores in the United States.  ***Although I personally won’t be happy until they also offer free delivery.

http://on.mash.to/1JmzkfO

 

Tillie the dog is being hailed as a hero for watching over his canine best friend, Phoebe, for a whole week after the two strayed from home and Phoebe fell into a cistern. According to the dogs’ rescuer and owner, the two dogs escaped from their home in Vashon, Washington, when the front door was left ajar on Sept. 7. The ABC News report says The “duo” was lost for a week before a community member reported seeing one of the dogs. An investigation of the area discovered Phoebe stuck in a cistern and Tillie standing just above the cistern watching guard over Phoebe. The dogs were starving and exhausted but otherwise in good health.

http://yhoo.it/1QMefSb

 

Teens who drink energy drinks a lot are more likely to get head injuries than those who don’t consume the highly caffeinated beverages. A new study from Canada found teens who had consumed energy drinks in the past week have increased odds of having a traumatic brain injury. The chance was five times greater than it was for teens who didn’t consume energy drinks at all.

http://www.foxnews.com/health/2015/09/17/energy-drinks-tied-to-brain-injuries-in-teens/

 

 

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

“If law school is so hard to get through… how come there are so many lawyers?” –Calvin Trillin

 

 

THE WAY WE WORK

(Updated as it comes available. The Way WE Work is written by Mark Elfstrand from 1160Hope.com in Chicago.)

It Can’t Be This Hard

Today is September 21st. Peace Day. More on that in a moment. But to answer the famous question, “Can’t we all just get along?” The answer is no.
Take this recent story headline from Associated Press: “Burger King to McDonalds: Let’s make a McWhopper.” Full page ads in various newspapers carried the message. A one day truce it was called. For the betterment of mankind, of course.
Burger King was attempting to get a cooperative effort with the “Golden Arches” folk to build a unique combination of a Whopper and a Big Mac. But only for a day. Peace Day.
As the AP story goes, “Burger King is tying the publicity stunt to a nonprofit called Peace One Day, which says it promotes Peace Day. The United Nations created the International Day of Peace in 1981 to coincide with its annual opening session in September. It then designated September 21 as the annual ‘day of non-violence and cease-fire’ in 2001.”
Call it a noble act. Call it promotional gimmickry. Ronald McDonald is not interested in such peace efforts. Ronald may smile at the kids, but not at the competition. Their CEO Steve Easterbrook in responding with a “no way” message, belittled the effort of burger war peace compared to “the real pain and suffering of war.” He then added, “P.S., simple phone call will do next time.” Put that in your Whopper and chew on it for a while. C’mon, man!
Well, I’m in a different kind of battle with the fast food giants. One that pleads for simple, friendly customer service and the basics in operating a restaurant. Allow me to share several examples.
At the McDonald’s I frequently stop at on my way home when my wife is out, most employees give me no welcome greeting. When I pick up my food, no “thank you.” At the Wendy’s near my office, the ketchup containers have been empty twice during the lunch hours I visited. And they were out of napkins. Hello…it’s lunch time. At Culver’s drive through, my last three meals came with no napkins. And the latest: on Friday night, my wife had a hankering for KFC grilled chicken. It was during the dinner hours but none was available. They were cooking it. Instead of serving it.
One of my favorites on this list happened a week or so ago taking our granddaughter to IKEA. They served up chicken fingers which yearned for barbecue sauce. Except…there wasn’t any. Inquiring at the counter I was told they’ve been out for a few days. My problem solving went into gear and I suggested that since a Meijer grocery story was two blocks away, maybe they could simply go and buy some until their shipment arrived so as not to disappoint customers. The young woman thought that was a good idea.
Aside from the expected reaction that “Mark, fast food isn’t very good for you anyway” I wish to affirm two companies who seem to get it right the majority of the time. One is Chick Fil A. Their folks go out of their way to make sure I have what I need. And the tireless service motto that they own is, “My pleasure.”
The second high energy, high service minded company is In-N-Out Burger. Mainly located in California, they are a fan favorite and outperform their competitors in serving up burgers and fries. They also are the ones who imprint Bible verse references on their cups and fry containers.
And so it begs the question…how can these two companies do it right so consistently? I believe it is based on a passion for the customer. Yes, you have to have food that people enjoy. All of the fast food companies lay claim to that. But not all can lay claim to placing such emphasis on customer care.
For the record, my father managed several different Perkins restaurants during my growing up years. I worked in all but one. At peak times, customer care can be a real challenge. If it’s your mission, however, you finesse it as needed.
I believe most people want to be treated well. They enjoy being respected when spending their hard earned money for a meal. They respond to people who care.
Jesus of Nazareth advised us this way, “In everything, therefore, treat people the same way you want them to treat you, for this is the Law and the Prophets.” (Luke 7:12 NASB)
Do this, Ronald McDonald, and everyone will enjoy a happy meal.
P.S.: My apologies to any franchise owners or managers who want their employees to serve better.
That’s The Way WE Work.

 

 

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

 

SEPTEMBER 25, 2015…

 

99 Homes (opening in select cities)–Andrew Garfield is a single Dad and gets chased out of his home because of non-payment. In order to get money, he is hired by a real estate man (Michael Shannon) who doesn’t care how he gets the money owed. Sad situations. Also in the cast is Laura Dern. “99 Homes” is rated R. No rating.

 

Hotel Transylvania 2—In this animated comedy, the story continues from the first film where a hotel was run for monsters to come and relax. Count Dracula has a daughter and she married and now has a son, the Count’s grandson. Who does the child resemble, the Count (with fangs) or the humans (no fangs). With others monsters about to help (and scare) the Count tries to baby-sit in his dubious way. Adam Sandler is the voice of the Count. “Hotel Transylvania 2” is rated PG. Rating of 3 for fans.

 

Mississippi Grind—Anything to earn money, that is what happens to Ryan Reynolds and Ben Mendelsohn when they have to gamble on a  modern day Mississippi riverboat to get funds. Win some, lose a lot. “Mississippi Grind” is rated R. No rating.

 

Stonewall (opening in select cities)—This Stonewall refers to the riots  of 1969 around the Stonewall Inn in Greenwich Village. Those were unsettling times (something like today) and concern gay rights. The film stars Jeremy Irvine and is directed by Roland Emmerich. “Stonewall” is rated R. No rating.

 

The Intern—Robert DeNiro is retired and wants to do something interesting, so he applies for a job as a business “intern,” to learn the ropes. Robert dresses in a suit, tie, manners and doesn’t look the part of your usual intern, namely casual clothing. Enter Anne Hathaway who heads a fashion business and is looking for assistance. When the two meet, well, you can guess the surprise in this tongue-in-cheek comedy about ages. “The Intern” is rated PG 13. Rating of 3 for fans.

 

SEPTEMBER 30, 2015…

 

The Walk is a harrowing film starring Joseph Gordon-Levitt as French street performer Philippe Petit who walked between the Twin Trade Towers on a wire (tightrope).

 

OCTOBER 02, 2015…

 

Freeheld  (opening in select cities) Julianne Moore and Ellen Page is about a romance between a  woman and a younger woman and what happens when one is ill.

 

Legend has Emily Browning and Tom Hardy married, though he is a criminal.

 

The Martian stars Matt Damon as a man thought dead and left behind on Mars. Except he is alive.

 

*Sicario starring Emily Blunt is now opening Oct. 2

 

# # # # #

 

 

WARNING:  Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.